Day 19 Assignment

[Edward Lusk]

Hi George,

You get a gold star just for taking on teenage girls as main characters. It’s an uncomfortable scene/situation. I get that feeling right from the start. This is the world where these people live bounded by/to their secrets. True to the essence. Great!

Traits & Subtexts:

RENEE

Traits

– Prissy – To Blunt

– Devious –

– Outgoing –

– Conformist –

Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

MAXINE

Traits

– Tricky –

– Snobbish –

– Paranoid –

– Emotionally Wounded –

Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

Renee – yes, blunt, no beating around the bush when it comes to attacking her sister, Maxine about who she’s screwing for iPhones. Demand knowing where Mom is driving them. She doesn’t shy away from being bulimic, quite blunt about why she doing it.

Renee – Devious – (underhanded) yes, trading her threat of betrayal for Maxine’s new iPhone, shrewd, and devious. You could use her deviousness also to try to trick mom into telling where she is going – on top of the bluntness.

Renee is talkative – making her outgoing, as well as speaking her mind. She’s not the type to clam up, so that good for the trait. You could make her more interested in going to the mall – because that is where her friends are and the interactions she is looking forward to.

Renee – conformist – I can see the attempt to stay skinny for the pageant as conforming. It’s not healthy, but that is the expectations for these events. (Usually) She also being a catty teenager, which is also conforming to the demographic. She’s not the type to be in science club and 4H.

Subtext – she has the deviousness, at opening she believes she is entitled to a new iPhone as Maxine is, that works. Not seeing much more entitlement past that exchange.

There is opportunity once Mom enters the car to embellish more of the traits and subtext. It’s more about where we are going, (good for mystery) but also the traits and subtext could work in more for the why, what.

Maxine

She a phone snob, I like that. Also, her disapproval of poor Ryan and his lot in life. Maxine is a piece of work for sure.

Maxine – Tricky – poor Ryan, she has this boy wrapped around her finger. I like that he’s the “something unseen”, as a technique too, brilliant way to show an interest technique and trait all together. I’d go a little deeper than Ryan’s end of the deal is hope for a score. This trick, has an opportunity to link the deal to something more profound.

Renee – wounded – interesting way she deals with losing her virginity. I like the way she creates her own reality. Typical of the times and great for illustrating the emotional wound she’s dealing with (or not)

Paranoid – You could elevate paranoia when Maxine threatens to tell Renee’s secret. Maxine is pretty calm that Renee won’t tell Ryan about her arrangement. This could be met with a hint paranoia – her behavior that everyone is out to get Maxine. She could be paranoid that everyone suspects she’s tricky, and a snob. Show Less confidence that she’s okay with these perceptions.

Like, Renee, you could maximize more Maxine’s reactions to when Mom, get’s in the car. More than likely Maxine knows because she told mom, Renee’s secret, she going to behave differently. She could be “tricky” by playing dumb, but there’s an opportunity to work in greater paranoia.

Subtext – you have it covered Maxine is a trickster, she also devious like her sister is too. Cross trait area there. Maybe – you could work in a way that Renee was tricked into this ride to the mall, as it not a ride to the mall, perhaps mom and Maxine are in on this trick. Which could elevate the overall paranoia trait that’s underserved.

Interest Techniques

Hook — Not getting a great opening hook. Perhaps use the opportunity of the photos on the new iPhone – is there a photo of Ryan? Philip? Something incriminating? A photo of Renee – why does she look so skinny? Photo of mom- why the worried look? Something that opens Maxine’s wound, or other trait. You could back up the opening into the house where Maxine and mom have a quick scene about – does Renee suspect anything, and leave it at that.

Dilemma — what to do about the secrets they know/share. They have choice to make or not – good. Will Maxine make good on her deal with Ryan, is there a new iPad in her future? Renee- can she overcome bulimia and still win a pageant. All good stuff.

Predictions — There’s enough banter about future boyfriends and innuendo regarding sexual conquest to pass the snuff test. Mom being upset predicts that this trip won’t end well.

Something unseen — Poor Ryan! He’s the subject of much gossip. We don’t know – visually that Renee is bulimic. Maybe you could allude to other symptoms – physical weakness, pale looking, using breath mints etc. Set up/reveal.

Mystery — I see the mystery of mom’s mission – where are we going – but that is not a what, or who, or a how. Anything else?

Creating a Future — Yes – the spilling of the beans has created the future playing out -that ‘s good. Again – once mom enters the car – the dynamics change, more opportunity there for possible crating future scenarios beyond she upset and we don’t know why.

Anticipatory Dialogue — Yes – with mom, enter the car – we wonder, or worry, or fear what she is up to. Expectations Maxine won’t make good on her deal with Ryan. Renee’s insight about Momma is just fine = no she is not!

Cliffhangers — A good one – cliff hanger and uncomfortable moment, as well. Whatever is going to happen in the parking lot won’t be pretty. You set this up well. There is empathy and understanding but the reactions, because of the traits illustrated, is going to be unpleasant. Nice !

Overall very good, unsettling group of characters, and situation. The subtext is coming through. I’d work on the opening, there’s opportunities there. And then once mom enters the car, added dynamics that can be further exploited. Thanks!

[George Verongos]

@Edward Lusk Oh, I just saw this as I was posting my critique. Sorry Ed. I guess you critiqued my 1st draft. LOL

Thanks for the feedback. I took some of your advice before I even read it Ha!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  George Verongos.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  George Verongos.

[Edward Lusk]

LOGLINE – An artist is confronted by another artist who is using her personal inspiration in an underhanded attempt to divulge her night of indiscretion with a married man.

ESSENCE – “Sculpture is what you bump into when you back up to see a painting.”— Barnett Newman

TRAIT CHANGED – Maxine – From Paranoid to Passionate

INT. ART SHOW – NIGHT

Artist mingle, nervous chatter fills the gallery. Their latest creations on display, ready for the curators, or easy marks. In one corner, a painter, RENEE, her face constantly puckered, fusses over refreshments on a small table under her latest painting, an impressionistic, male nude draped in a towel.

There’s a commotion across the way. A women, leads across the room, two men carrying a statue covered by a silk sheet. She is MAXINE, art personified, colorful wool shaw, statement eyewear, clunky jewelry. She brushes past RENEE, with a sneer into her exhibit space. She throws off her shaw and then spins, arms extended – Sound of Music style.

MAXINE

At last, at last, the opening! Another chance to show off one’s creative passion to those who simple don’t understand the pain they cause by their rejection.

RENEE

Good evening Maxine, I was worried you be a no show.

Maxine begrudgingly accepts Renee’s air kisses.

MAXINE

(to movers)

You don’t expect me to stand it upright. Set it down…there,… gently. This is a work of art, not a sofa gentleman.

The guys set the statue upright on a pedestal.

RENEE

Thank you gentlemen. Our show wouldn’t be a success if it weren’t for you. Refreshments?

The two men scurry away leaving the artist squaring off. Maxine admires Renee’s painting with a keen eye.

MAXINE

So this is him. The man of mystery and of deceit.

RENEE

I warned you of this, Maxine. It’s our little secret. Not one word more about the…inspiration for my piece.

MAXINE

It’s a piece alright. Inspired by a night of one’s indiscretion captured in acrylic, and rapture. Disgusting.

RENEE

A true artist captures the mood, in light, in color, and in brush strokes. Not with chisels and sledge hammers.

MAXINE

What you lack, Renee, is dimension, you hear me? Dimension. My art inhabits this space.

With a flourish, Maxine, strips off the silk sheet covering her statue. She surveys the room for any signs of disapproval to quell. It’s a stunning bronze sculpture of male, nearly nude. His lower half tantalizingly covered in the carved folds of a towel.

Renee’s face goes colder than it already is. She slowly circles the bronze statue. Taking it all in.

RENEE

But how? This is my model, (whispering) that’s my…Jay.

MAXINE

It’s Patsy’s, Jay. You coveted her husband for one lonely night while I, on the other hand, merely suggested he pose for me as I knew him more intimately now since you confessed your sins to me.

RENEE

You assume too much, Maxine, and I know a blackmailer when I see one.

MAXINE

It was guilt that compelled you transcribe the memory into fine brush strokes. Maybe you’d like to purchase my work? How divine. You can touch Jay whenever you want. Go ahead, feel him.

RENEE

It’s no mystery why you’re divorced.

MAXINE

Says the prudish slut. You know SHE is coming tonight. Won’t it be fun to watch her admire our works side by side. I’m curious to see if she recognizes her cheating husband captured in paint, or in bronze?

RENEE

I know it is Jay, and you know it is Jay. No one else can tell my painting is of Jay. That’s why I hold true the conventions of impressionism. It’s what the viewer observes based on many factors. A carver, like you, would never understand. Luckily for me you’re not so skilled. Your statue could be any average looking man.

MAXINE

Average!? You lack the eye for detail. Oh goody, there she is. Let the games begin.


Across the room, a women strolls along sipping champagne, mingling. She is PATSY.

RENEE

When she get’s here, not hints, no games. The unbiased eye and cloudless mind is the best way to consume the arts.

MAXINE

The best way to consume the arts is with one’s check book at the ready.

Patsy sidles up to Renee’s and Maxine’s corner of the gallery.

RENEE

Good evening. Are you enjoying the show? I have refreshments. Help yourself.

Patsy greets Renee’s painting with a dampened smile. Renee gently exhales. Patsy’s eyes narrow at the sight of Maxine’s sculpture.

PATSY

Is this your work, my dear?

MAXINE

My work, my life, my everything lasting peace.

PATSY

It’s um…it’s um…somewhat familiar to me, but I can’t place my finger on it. Yes, yes, quite the scoundrel, isn’t he?

MAXINE

I call him, “The Cad,” isn’t that amusing?

PATSY

You have a way with details I’ve never seen before. Something to to consider…yes…

Patsy glides along to the other half of the gallery.

RENEE

This is blatant revenge. Jay didn’t choose you that night, he choose me because I understand the way to a man’s heart. It’s my gift. This ridiculous trick of yours will backfire on you. I can tell you that.

A roguish looking MAN whispers in Renee’s ear.

MAN

I’d keep your voice down, if I were you.

Renee spins around.

RENEE

Jay! What are you doing here?

MAXINE

To say he likes expensive art, only to reject it for something cheaper before the evening ends.

JAY

Hello Maxine. I see you haven’t changed.

MAXINE

That depends and the view. However you have…

…Maxine steps aside revealing her statue in the likeness of Jay.

JAY

Oh my god. What have you done? Has my wife seen this?

PATSY (O.S)

Seen what dear?

They all turn and face the quizzical gaze from Patsy.

JAY

Patsy! I was just admiring the ladies’ works. So talented.

PATSY

Yes, this sculptor speaks to me. The impressionist painting is darling, just not my cup of tea.

RENEE

(under breadth)

I had your tea, it was tepid.

MAXINE

I know what it is saying…I’m the perfect statue for discriminating curators of the finest art.

Patsy studies the statue with greater detail. She puts on eye glasses that are strong around her neck.

PATSY

Look at this Jay, the statue has an appendix scar just like yours.

JAY

What a coincidence.

PATSY

The towel reads, (spelling) H. O. T. E. L… R.E.G. E…Hotel Regent! The same as our honeymoon. (studies the statue’s face closely)

Patsy lets out a loud YELP! Startling the others.

PATSY

I know exactly what is going on here.

RENEE/MAXINE/JAY

You do?

PATSY

Oh Jay, how romantic! When did you slip off to model for this exquisite sculpture for me? I simply adore surprises. It will go in our bedroom, right beside the Barcelo. Now settle up with this talented individual and I’ll see you all later at the reception.

Patsy saunters away. Jay slips his check book out from his breast pocket and slaps it across his hand.

JAY

How much?

MAXINE

For the statue, or for keeping secrets my dear?

END SCENE

[George Verongos]

QE#4 CRITIQUE for @Edward Lusk

Renee: The refreshments could be seen as prissy and outgoing. Her recitation of the merits of real art could be her conformist trait. I’m not sure about the deviousness. I think they could be a little stronger to make her character more different from Maxine. Subtext: Since Jay isn’t obviously the subject of her painting, I’m not clear on her deviousness or what she feels entitled about. Does she think she deserves Jay? Is he the prize?

Maxine: She is tricky and snobby for sure. She’s wounded by Jay choosing Renee over her for an affair? I think. Artists just seem intrinsically passionate so. I do think their traits kind of crossover here and there. More polar characters could make the exchange more tension-filled. Subtext: Was what Maxine wanted was to sell a piece? Or did she think she plotting to get Jay for herself?

I feel like with Jay being sort of aloof, both Maxine and Renee are delusional. I was questioning if Renee had even really had a one-nighter with Jay. The situation is interesting, but I am also not super sure that the secret of Jay’s affair is exposed. So I think the situation could be nailed down a bit more. What if Jay realizes what is going on and propositions the two artists to a threesome or something over the top like that. OR maybe Jay is the one who spills that the secret is out? The situation is pretty funny

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  George Verongos.

[Edward Lusk]

Thanks George, appreciate the insightful notes. Very keen observations.