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Day 19 Assignments
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Ed Gillow Lesson 17 QE Cycle #4 Rewrite
LOGLINE: Two best friends meet for lunch to make sure a secret remains between them.
ESSENCE: Hard to trust anyone to keep a secret especially when others can gain from the knowledge of that secret at the expense of others
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Changed Maxine’s snobbish trait to judgmental
SCENE:
INT. POSH LA RESTAURANT – DAY
MAXINE, attractive, mid 20s, sits alone at a table near the entrance. Head on a swivel, twisting her hair, and chewing her gum, Maxine keeps her eye on the front door and who is in the restaurant that might be a somebody. Now and then, she takes a sip of her water.
RENEE, very attractive, mid 20s, dressed to the nines – even at noon, makes a grand entrance through the front doors.
Maxine waves to Renee, who acknowledges her with a head nod.
As Renee runway walks her way toward Maxine, she acknowledges people she recognizes with a nod, or a handshake, or a double cheek kiss. Finally:
Maxine rises to greet Renee. They do the double cheek kiss.
BOTH
Muah. Muah.
Both women sit.
RENEE
Darling, sorry I’m late. Just had my third callback for the lead in Fast and Furious twelve. You know how long those can run over.
MAXINE
Yeah, I remember.
RENEE
Oh, I’m sorry love, I forgot your agent dropped you. Guess it’s tough not getting out much.
Maxine reacts to Renee’s comment.
MAXINE (under her breath)
Ouch!
RENEE
Did I mention Bradley is coming? He’ll be in after he parks the Bentley.
MAXINE
Why is Bradley coming?
RENEE
Well, I know how found he is of you, thought it would cheer you up.
MAXINE
Thanks. The reason I asked to meet here is to make sure you haven’t told anyone my secret.
RENEE
I may be one to always want to win, but I would never be that devious. Especially to you.
MAXINE
I need for you to promise you haven’t told anyone.
RENEE
Geez Max, you are really being paranoid here.
MAXINE
This is my career here, Renny. If this gets out, I’m done in this biz. You are my BFF. You have to promise me you haven’t told anyone. If you have this would ruin our friendship.
RENEE
Since you put it that way… I promise.
MAXINE
Promise you haven’t told anyone.
RENEE
I promise I haven’t told anyone. Geez. You satisfied?
Maxine smiles and nods.
A handsome waitperson, DOUG, 30s, arrives at their table.
DOUG
Hi, I’m Doug. I’ll be taking care of you two beauties today. Can I start you with a drink?
RENEE
Doug, sweetie, can you give us five minutes?
DOUG
No problem. Be back in five.
As Doug walks away, Renee checks him out.
RENEE
What I could do to that man in five minutes…
MAXINE
Uh Renny, you have a fiance. You are so prissy.
RENEE
Oh… yeah.
Renee throws her menu up like a barrier between herself and Maxine.
Several moments pass – WHEN:
MAXINE
Speaking of Bradley.
Renee drops her menu.
RENEE
What about him?
MAXINE
Maybe, I shouldn’t say anything.
RENEE
No, no. Come on Max, spit it out.
MAXINE
Well, the other day, after I told you my secret, Bradley point blank asked me which casting director I slept with.
Renee has a deer in headlights look.
RENEE
Uh…
MAXINE
How did he know to ask me that?
RENEE
Max, I… uh…. well…. maybe…
BRADLEY, handsome, 30s, arrives with a big smile.
BRADLEY
Hello Ladies!
Renee and Maxine stand to greet Bradley. Cheek kisses all around.
RENEE
Perfect timing my dear, Max and I were chatting about the wedding.
Maxine fake laughs.
MAXINE
If you two will excuse me, I need to hit the ladies’ room. I’m sure you have lots to discuss.
When Maxine is out of ear shot:
RENEE
Did you ask Max who she slept with?
BRADLEY (taken back)
What? NO! Honest.
RENEE
I think she knows I didn’t keep her secret.
BRADLEY
Oh baby, I told you this would come back and bite you.
Maxine returns and collects her things.
MAXINE
Didn’t take as long as I thought. I need to run. My casting director friend just called me in for an audition.
Mouths open, Bradley and Renee stare at Maxine.
Maxine takes a couple of steps, stops, and turns around to face them.
MAXINE
They want me to read for the lead in Fast and Furious twelve. Well, toddles you two.
Maxine struts out of the restaurant with a huge smile on her face.
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Edward:
Good progress in the rewrite. You did a great job with the core traits of both Renee and Maxine. Love the way you blended in other characters to add to the dynamic and tension. Opened up opportunities to focus on core traits without being blatant.
Regarding the Interest Techniques: I see the Hook (what is the relationship between Maxine and Renee); the dilemma (reputation is everything in the entertainment industry); Predictions (could be some reference to the Fast and Furious but wasn’t sure); Something Unknown; (Renee’s flirtatious nature when she is engaged); Mystery (Why is Maxine doing this in a public place); Creating a Future (Renee thinks she has a great future when in reality it is Maxine with the big opportunity); Anticipatory Dialogue (the exchange after the waiter leaves. Renee may be the one with the loose reputation); Cliff Hanger ( seems to be the area with the greatest opportunity to build on) and Uncomfortable moment (when Renee confronts Bradley about what he said to Maxine)
I can see you growing more confident with these techniques. It seems to flow pretty easy for you. What might make it more of a cliff hanger is instead of Maxine saying why she has to go, have Renee get a call from her agent saying she has been cut from consideration. Renee asks who got the audition) Still a cliff hangar and we don’t know what Maxine is leaving for. Leaves us wonder what is going on and looking forward to the next scene.
This particular scene is a real challenge for me and I really do enjoy reading your work.
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Robert: As always a VERY thoughtful and worthwhile feedback. I like your idea for the cliffhanger much better than mine. Thank you as always for your feedback. Have a blessed day.
Ed.
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Hi Edward. I like this rewrite better. You have a nice scene with two actresses ultimately vying for the same part in a movie. I have a tendency to write sparsely, so I appreciate it in other writers. In your case, I think you could add more dialogue for a little more information. Perhaps Maxine waiting for a text, and checking her phone, so at the end, we understand why she left the table. Depending on how you approach adding more action/dialogue, or if you do, it could highlight Maxine’s paranoia, and her emotional wounds. What does an actress do when dumped by an agent? It could be devastating, but maybe Maxine blackmailed her ex-agent into getting another one or something. Maybe her agent comes into the restaurant, etc. Her judgmental trait and wound could be stronger in her reactions to Renee, especially when Renee talks about her losing her agent. You have a great place there to add subtext, snobbishness, and judgment. It would add more overt conflict between the friends. Renee’s outgoing and devious traits are great. Maxine’s comment about prissiness, or Renee’s comment about the waiter don’t fit as being prudish or goody-goody. You’re a good writer who doesn’t need to have the traits spelled out in dialogue. Show us: a chip in the fingernail polish, a stray hair out of place, always checking in the mirror or asking if she looks all right are examples. I’m not sure I saw her conformist trait. The interest techniques that were most obvious to me were betrayal, major twist, uncomfortable moment, anticipatory dialogue, character change, and creating a future. Great job! You could add mystery and suspense if you have Maxine waiting for a text or something similar. I hope this helps and I haven’t overstepped. Keep up the good work!
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As always totally right on with the feedback Denice. Thank you. I tend to speed through these so all of what you wrote about would come out with me taking more time. LOL… I kinda write scripts from an actor’s POV and that is why I tend to miss out on some good points (like ones you pointed out) I appreciate you taking the time to write what you wrote. Thank you! Have a blessed weekend… Ed.
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INT. INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION ZION X, SLEEPING QUARTERS, 2026 – NIGHT
Dim lights illumine the square white space. Closed sleeping compartments hide in each side, the ceiling and floor.
MAXINE, attractive communications officer, opens her cubical door. Crawls out of her narrow sleeping bag. Holds her mouth. She floats to the bathroom as fast as she can by grabbing onto anything.
She opens the door. No time to close it.
INT. BATHROOM – MIGHT
Maxine kneels. Vomits – not low enough. Vomit floats up out of the commode around her head.
RENEE, friend and psychologist, stands in her pajamas at the door.
RENEE
That’s so gross.
Maxine yelps. Grabs her chest.
MAXINE
Don’t sneak up on me. It’s spooky enough at night.
Renee grins.
RENEE
Don’t worry. The boogyman didn’t follow you into space.
MAXINE
I don’t believe in common myths.
She grabs paper towels. Floats to catch the drifting vomit.
RENEE
You really need to follow bathroom protocol. Until we send you and part of the crew back home, the added scientists make it really important to be tidy.
Maxine holds back tears.
MAXINE
You know I didn’t plan being . . .I couldn’t make it here in time.
RENEE
Why not tell me who the father is? The jerk should be accountable.
MAXINE
NO. I can’t tell anyone.
She snatches a piece of floating vomit.
Renee sniffs. Blows vomit away from her.
RENEE
Take some bags to bed. It will save you this disgusting cleanup.
Maxine disposes of the final vomit.
MAXINE
God, I miss Daddy’s butler.
RENEE
Guess what? The Commander noticed how much I’ve helped the crew. He said I was the most approachable psychologist he’s ever met. And he asked me to dinner.
Maxine pushes past Renee. Peers out the open door in fright. Pulls Renee inside. Closes the door.
MAXINE
The Commander is married with three children.
RENEE
Who cares? Your affair with him was over a month ago.
MAXINE
I never date my superiors.
RENEE
I saw you together.
MAXINE
One required meeting is not being together. What are you planning?
RENEE
I worked my butt off to get here. I’m up to my ears in debt. I’ll do whatever is needed to get his recommendation when I leave in three months. Then, I can get a job that will pay me what I’m worth.
She whispers.
RENEE
But when I was talking to him, it kind of slipped out about your pregnancy. He was concerned that you hadn’t reported it.
Maxine clenches her stomach. Tears drip down her cheek.
MAXINE
You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone. How could you do this to me?
RENEE
You’ve put your life and your baby’s at great risk. We still don’t know the effect of weightlessness or radiation on a human fetus in space.
MAXINE
I would have been back home in two weeks. Before anyone found out. What am I going to do now?
RENEE
Tell the Commander. Do you want to put his career on the line?
MAXINE
What do you think will happen to my career? You have no idea of the things I’ve done to get here.
Renee shrugs.
RENEE
You’ve got rich family.
Maxine glares. Hisses.
MAXINE
I hope the Commander treats you well. He raped me.
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Denice:
This is a remarkable scene with perhaps the most unusual setting I’ve seen in a while. Well done!
You did a great job with the core traits but I wasn’t clear on which trait you changed. I see Maxine’s tricky, snobbish , paranoid trait. Wasn’t sure about here emotionally wounded part. Renee’s traits of prissy, devious, outgoing and conformist all are tied up in her role as the ships pyschologist. Good fit.
Since we are focus on the new interest techniques, here is what I gleaned from your scene.
The Hook is right off with the setting in space. Excellent job. The dilemma, of either hiding the pregnancy or Renee’s leverage to get a high paying job. Prediction when Maxine says she doesn’t date superiors, suggests something other than romance. The something unseen could be the absence of the rest of the crew in any dialogue or action. The mystery is again back to Maxine’s pregnancy and her claim that she doesn’t date supervisors. Creating a future is in Renee’s leveraging her time on the space station for a better paying job on Earth. Anticipatory dialogue is the likelihood that Renee is going to seduce, or allow herself to be seduced, by the Commander. The cliff hanger is when Maxine reveals that she was raped at the end and what will Renee do with that information. Uncomfortable moment is with the floating vomit. Can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable in space than floating vomit.
Since Hal wants us to share ideas on how to make the scene stronger, the only suggestion I have is for the Commander to call Renee to his station on a comm link. This gets her into his world faster and leaves Renee with little time to process what Maxine just revealed.
Again, really amazing scene. Love reading your work.
Thanks,
Bob
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Thank you for all of your comments and observations, Bob. I hope you know how much they mean to me. I’m sorry I didn’t mention the trait I changed for Maxine in this rewrite. Her tricky trait was changed to vengeful, so I know I need more of that trait coming through instead of just at the end. I like your suggestion of having the Commander pop in at the end of the scene, too. I’ve been trying to get all 19 interest techniques in the scene because I like to challenge myself. I put them together in a sequence so I can remember them. Unfortunately, I ‘m not sure which ones were for this assignment. Hopefully, I can better exploit the betrayal, character change, uncertainty, uncomfortable moment, and intrigue by adding the Commander at the end. Great idea to add strength to the scene! Thank you, again.
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Denice: Well done! Very entertaining from the start. I wish I had Robert’s ability to spot the interest techniques easily. So I can only dovetail off his feedback. GREAT setting. I think all of us find space sexy, so kudos. I like the way you mix humor with the serious. Great visuals all the way around. Core traits and subtext – check! Like Robert I wasn’t sure which trait changed I may have missed that in your first write.
I think Robert hit the interest techniques spot on.
Addition to ending. Have the commander enter the scene after Maxine reveals the rape bomb and the three of them stare at each other. Talk about uncomfortable moment, plus cliffhanger.
I really like your writing. Short, sweet and to the point. Keep on, keeping on!
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I really appreciate your comments, Edward. You and Bob suggested the same kind of ending to the scene by adding the Commander, so it will be done. Although, these scenes aren’t ours anyway. Adding the Commander in person is even better and can add suspense, surprise, uncomfortable moments, and a better cliffhanger. If I set it up correctly, it would add more betrayal if Renee summons the Commander before she sees Maxine. Thank you so much for your insight and appreciation of my writing. It means a great deal to me.
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Bob Kerr: Lesson 17 QE Cycle #4 Rewrite
LOGLINE: What starts as an innocent walk to the office turns horribly wrong
ESSENCE: A secret kept for years is revealed to the demise of one and the elevation of the other.
TRAIT I CHANGED: MAXINE from Paranoid to Bold
EXT: a bright, crisp autumn day in Denver. The sun is rising and the world is waking up. MAXINE HAZZARD, a 35 year old stunning redhead, opens the door from her condo in LODO, Denver. The doorman. in a suit and cap, holds the door open as Maxine walks through the door.
DOORMAN
Good morning Miss Hazard. A fine day it is for all us sharing the early morning.
MAXINE
Thank you Phillip. It should be a day to remember. But, where’s my car? I think you better call the driver and get it here ASAP.
DOORMAN PHILLIP:
(Pointing to RENEE TRAPPER, a late twenties, auburn hair woman wearing a sharp business coat is waiting at the bottom of the stairs holding two steaming cups of Starbucks coffee in her hands)
The young miss there said you might enjoy a walk to the office today. Said you would be okay with letting the driver go. Hope I didn’t overstep Miss Hazzard.
Maxine looks at Renee and looks at the sunrise and clear blue Colorado skies. She adjusts her Louie Vinton handbag and smiles.
MAXINE:
Phillip it’s okay. I think it is a fine morning for a walk. Nothing like a good stretch of the legs to get the heart pumping.
Maxine glides down the stairs and reaches the sidewalk where she greets Renee.
MAXINE (continued)
Renee tell me that is my usual order.
Renee offers Maxine a cup and smiles.
RENEE
A double espresso with two packets of stevia. Just like I have picked up for you a million times. Hope you don’t mind walking this morning. Get your exercise in early and free you up for the big announcement.
MAXINE
Look at you, thinking two steps ahead. I have trained you well. In fact, after the announcement, I have a big surprise for you. You’ve heard the expression “All boats rise”? Well today you get to ride my wave. Think of it as a reward for keeping things just between the two of us.
RENEE
Of course I kept all the secrets. Secrets are my currency. How else do you think I get all those VIP experiences at the last minute. After today, won’t need to worry about that anymore.
MAXINE
Your loyalty has always been the anchor in my world. Reminds me what life is like for “normal people”. Without that, I would be lost. But, isn’t that a new coat?
RENEE
Yes it is.
Opening the coat Renee shows off a new business suit
It’s just like the one you wore at the “Meet and Greet with the new clients” last month. Like you always told me, dress for the job you want.
MAXINE
Renee that is an outstanding outfit. But, I’ll share a secret with you. It’s not the dress that closes the deal, it’s what you wear underneath the dress that gives you the leverage. I know, I’ve worn enough low cut blouses in my life just to get where I am. Not bad from a girl with a past.
RENEE
Why Maxine, I could never do anything like that. Besides, I like being the prim and proper gal with an outgoing personality. It’s always stead me well, particularly around this town
MAXINE
Each to their own style. But I’m feeling great today. I’m thinking I might give Preston a call and set-up a nooner. Just the pick me up I need till the announcement this afternoon.
RENEE
That’s a bold move on your part. But, it’s what I’ve learned from you. You got to take what you want and hold onto it.
They continue walking towards the office building and they see a group of police officers waiting outside the entrance.
MAXINE
Wonder what they are doing there?
RENEE
I’ve got a pretty good idea. Seems someone gave a tip to the police about an illegal assisted suicide. They are here to take someone in custody.
Maxine stops dead in her tracks.
MAXINE
Renee what have you done?
RENEE
Just following your lead. Remember what I said about secrets are my currency. Well, I leveraged some of that currency for a fast track to a big promotion.
POLICE OFFICER
Miss Hazzard, Miss Maxine Hazzard. We would like to talk to you.
MAXINE
Your fired Renee!
RENEE:
That’s okay. I got a better offer anyway.
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Robert! Didn’t see that ending coming. WOW! nice. As you already know, I really like your writing style. Really engaging. This had a ‘Devil Wears Prada’ feel. Nice.
This may be me, but it seemed like Maxine had some of Renee’s traits. Not sure if I saw Renee’s prissy side.
As for their subtext, well done!
Snappy pacing, good back and forth.
Interest techniques. Intuitively, I know they are there, I’m just not good in itemizing them like you so expertly do.
Great ending and cliffhanger which propels us into the next scene.
Nicely done overall… keep on, keeping on!
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Hi Bob. I really like your revision. You rearranged ideas, dialogue and action to great benefit. I love their last names, Hazard and Trapper. Nice irony. Both women’s subtext is spot on. You have a great setup for Renee’s betrayal. Great prissiness. Her traits of devious and outgoing are outstanding with the coffee she brings her boss and the setup/payoff at the end with the police. You might have added a comment by Maxine to give us more information and emotional wound about the assisted suicide; for example: you told them about my mother, or whatever. Then we can engage with Maxine. Or if you want us to side with Renee, make Maxine more snobbish, and bold so we don’t like Maxine. Although I do like siding with Maxine because it’s a twist on the old idea of underlings getting the shaft. Your dialogue gives us an idea of what kind of boss Maxine has been that she would help her assistant. You could show more of an emotional wound with Maxine in action and dialogue when she knows her secret is out. I like the cliffhanger, but would also like to have it clearer as to what better offer Renee gets to add more irony. Knowing how long have they worked together would make the betrayal shockingly worse as well as a betrayal that seems to have been a long time in coming. You could have the police arrest Maxine for even greater impact. You’ve done a super job with other interest techniques: anticipatory dialogue, character change, creating a future, a major twist, uncomfortable moment, an intriguing setting instead of the usual. If you wanted to add suspense and mystery you could show us Renee outside first in some way interacting with Philip or a taxi driver, or whatever. And maybe dilemma when Maxine sees the police. Only suggestions. Your scene is very well done as it is.
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Denice: Thank you for this very helpful critique. As I work through these QE Cycles I realize that I tend to rush through the assignment. Your suggestions clearly would make a stronger scene. I love the ideas of expanding the dialogue at the end. Your feedback is very helpful and continue to strengthen my skills and my focus. Thank you.
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