Day 2 Assignment

[Erica Miner]

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is to be more open to rethink my structure when I previously had thought it was set in stone.

Erica’s Basic Structure Version 1

Logline: When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.

Current story, showing each part of the 9-part structure:

Main Conflict: young violinist trying to solve the murder of her mentor and save her closest colleague from being convicted of the murder, finds resistance from both friends and enemies.

1. Opening: At her opening night at the Metropolitan Opera, starry-eyed violin prodigy Julia receives a gift from Maestro Abel Trudeau: a song written for her which is missing a page.

2. Inciting Incident: Abel is assassinated on the podium during the performance.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Julia decides she must find Abel’s murderer, though Larry, the NYPD detective on the case tries to discourage her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: When Julia’s closest colleague Sidney is arrested for the murder, she doubles her efforts to find Abel’s real killer.

5. Mid-Point: Julia freaks out when Charles, an attractive, ambitious tenor, pursues her romantically but also has a strange interest in Abel’s song.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Julia’s friend, head stagehand Matt, is murdered.

7. Crisis: Julia realizes Abel and Matt’s killer is out to get her, and that Abel has spelled out Charles’s name on the missing page of the song he has written for Julia.

8. Climax: Confessing he has conspired with Matt’s assistant Frank to murder both Abel and Matt, Charles tries to remove Julia’s threat of exposing him by throwing her off the roof of the Met, but she outwits him.

9. Resolution: Sidney is set free, the murderers have been found, Julia and Larry become buddies, and Julia finally plays her debut performance.

Look back over the 9 elements and select at least one to elevate: Mid-point

Separating that one (or more) item(s) out, list the main purpose of that item in the story:

to reveal to Julia that the opera singer she admires and crushes on has a dark side that will prove dangerous.

Brainstorm a list of other possible ways to deliver that structural item.

Brainstorm Ideas:

1. Julia has an appointment to meet Charles at a quiet, intimate restaurant. Afraid of her attraction to him, she insists on meeting in a public place, in full view of scores of people: the fountain in Lincoln Plaza, the crossroads of the Upper West Side, with all its bustle and noise. He arrives early, waits for her. She starts to enter the plaza, sees Charles waiting impatiently. Turns around and flees.

2. Julia comes to the stagehands’ locker room to meet Charles. She peeks in the door to see Charles in a confab with assistant head stagehand Frank and surreptitiously listens in on their conversation. Both men admit Julia is desirable physically, but Frank grouses about the snootiness of the orchestra musicians overall. Julia is taken aback but is determined to show them her gutsiness. She enters the room without knocking, totally flummoxing the two men, admonishing Charles for sharing his attraction to her with Frank.

3. Charles asks Julia to bring Abel’s song to an artist’s studio, where he will be working with an opera coach. When she comes in and hears him sing, she is bowled over by the power and beauty of his voice. Noticing this, he redoubles his efforts, finishing his aria with a flourish. The coach makes himself scarce, giving Charles the opportunity to exploit Julia’s favorable impression of his singing. He persuades her to give him the only copy of the song that Abel has written for her. Then he seduces her.

Make a second list of the Main Conflict and Structural items with the improvements you’ve made. Again, it will contain the following:

Second List

Main Conflict: young violinist trying to solve the murder of her mentor and save her closest colleague from being convicted of the murder, discovers that an admired opera singer is actually a madman.

1. Opening: At her opening night at the Metropolitan Opera, starry-eyed violin prodigy Julia receives a gift from Maestro Abel Trudeau: a song written for her which is missing a page.

2. Inciting Incident: Abel is assassinated on the podium during the performance.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Julia decides she must find Abel’s murderer, though Larry, the NYPD detective on the case tries to discourage her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: When Julia’s close colleague Sidney is arrested for the murder, she doubles her efforts to find Abel’s real killer.

5. *Mid-Point [change]: Charles, a singer whom Julia crushes on, exploits her admiration of his singing by seducing her to obtain her only copy of Abel’s song.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Julia’s friend, head stagehand Matt, is murdered.

7. Crisis: Julia realizes Abel and Matt’s killer is out to get her, and that Abel has spelled out Charles’s name on the missing page of the song he has written for Julia.

8. Climax: Confessing he has conspired with Matt’s assistant Frank to murder both Abel and Matt, Charles tries to remove Julia’s threat of exposing him by throwing her off the roof of the Met, but she outwits him.

9. Resolution: Sidney is set free, the murderers have been found, Julia and Larry become buddies, and Julia finally plays her debut performance.

[Demethress Davis]

Hi Erica,

I would like to exchange feedback with you, if that’s ok. Nit sure if we are supposed to stick with the same person throughout but if you don’t mind, this round I’d like to exchange with you.

Demethress

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Erica,

First, feel free to exchange critiques with other classmates if you have time. Hopefully, they’ll give you better feedback than what I’ve been able to come up with.

Like I mentioned earlier, I think you have an authentic and interesting story going here. I also think your Basic Structure seems pretty sound. You did a good job of brainstorming. I think you improved your Mid-Point with the change. Having already written a novel about this story brings lots of depth to it.

My only questions are about the Missing Page of the song. It seems to be very important to the plot structure, providing the clue for Julia to solve the mystery. I’d like to see a few more details about the Missing Page included in the narrative here, like where it was and how Julia found it. I think that would make your structure even stronger.

Keep up the great progress!

– alan

[Demethress Davis]

Hi Erica,

Since I haven’t heard back, I will take that as a “no” and not be offended. Understand you want to stick with your original partner.

Demethress

[jaye Blohm]

JAYE’S BASIC STRUCTURE VERSION 1

What I learned is that having written the original story as a two-parter, and then deciding to make it one whole story (taking it from 176 pages down to 127) I fumbled my way through it. Coming at it from the perspective of the 9-part structure helps to put it into bite-sized pieces and helps me to start seeing what’s really important in the script.

I learned that much of my energy was put into rebuilding the team (as this was a critique I got from The BlackList) as opposed to moving forward and killing the Antagonist. I learned that as much as I wanted to have a complex script, it ended up being too convoluted.

I brainstormed in real time, so it’s wordy…

Logline.
Set in a 16th-century fantasy world, a mercenary group, comprised of weapons masters and mages, seeks revenge on a Dark Bishop that took the life of their Commander. A newcomer joins the team… can he be trusted?

Main Conflict:
Defeating a Dark Bishop who is seemingly undefeatable

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>1. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Opening:

The Dark Bishop kills his wife on a fit of rage after discovering she is pregnant with another man’s child (the local mercenary Commander)

2. Inciting Incident:
The Dark Bishop ambushes the community and slaughters the Commander and half his team

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Bern (the Commander’s son), must rebuild his team and find a way to defeat the Dark Bishop

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:
Aidan (a new and deceitful man) has joined the troop – we heavily question his loyalty

5. Mid-Point:
– Xandra (the Dark Bishop’s daughter) is trying to infiltrate the troop by convincing Rayen to leave Bern. She’ll give them the stone they’re looking for in exchange for his loyalty
– We learn that Bern is sexist and he refuses to let his light mage practice combat moves, he only wants her healing
– We also learn that Bern has a love interest that he refuses to pursue until the Bishop is defeated.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:
Xandra gets in, and gives Bern the stone. They make the enchanted sword and go off to defeat the Dark Bishop

7. Crisis:
Bern defeats the Dark Bishop, but Xandra now comes to collect. She takes Rayen with her. Xandra has lied to his team, they have lost another member in battle and his best friend has betrayed him. Their battle and cause continue.

8. Climax:
Bern and his team defeat Xandra and Rayen, but he was tricked and the betrayed wasn’t what it seemed. Rayen is spared.

9. Resolution:
– Rayen is earning the trust of the team
– Bern lets his light mage start practicing combat
– Bern pursues his love interest

Look back over the 9 elements and select at least one to elevate.

Right now this is a pretty big beast to tackle, so I am selecting the opening. It has been suggested to me that the death of the Commander should be more meaningful. The scene opens with Aizahn (the Commander), Bern (his son), and Rayen (Bern’s best friend and right-hand man) holding auditions for mages to join their team.
Throughout the first act, there is a battle of wills between Bern and Rayen, as Rayen is oozing with confidence, and Bern struggles with imposter syndrome.
Originally, I have the guys break off after the auditions to go fishing, and this is when the ambush occurs.
But I am thinking that I could make Bern and Rayen a younger (I currently have them in their 30s) and have Aizahn give some fatherly advice before he gets killed.
One of my openings occurred when Rayen was a boy. I’m thinking of bringing this part back, and killing off Aizahn at the end of the first act, as opposed to the first 10 pages…
I could hint to the affair with the Bishop’s wife…and the thirst for revenge could start in act 2…

Separating that one (or more) item(s) out, list the main purpose of that item in the story and brainstorm a list of other possible ways to deliver that structural item.
This has already gotten me thinking of the changes (see above). I could bring on the addition of Aidan, as I think this is a good component, and I am seeing the need to get rid of two of my other characters, that just fill holes and help pad the team. But I have been told I have too much of an ensemble cast, and scrapping these two would help with that.
So anyway, the purpose of Aizahn’s death is so Bern can get revenge. It was originally the inciting incident, but I don’t know that I can have it realistically down by page 10. I would have to rethink the inciting incident. I originally had a concept that the Bishop and Aizahn would have been friends, and it was more subtext, but maybe in this story, I can establish the friendship and a falling out while Bern is young. A betrayal that ruins the friendship, and then later, the affair with the Bishop’s wife that adds salt to the wound.
So, I think I have it… in Part 2, when this was a two-parter, my opening scene is Aizahn coming to the village to adopt Rayen (his godson) after the death of his parents. Bern is jealous as Aizahn teaches him to be part of the team, and they grow up together and become inseparable brothers and friends…. New opening: Dark Bishop and Aizahn are friends. Dark Bishop kills Rayen’s parents… doesn’t know he’s Aizahn’s godson – the Dark Bishop is far more powerful than a master swordsman, and so this ends the friendship (nutshelling it here). Then later Aizahn has the affair — but he knows the woman is the Bishop’s wife. And Bern and Rayen have no idea that the Bishop and Aizahn were ever friends.

10. Make a second list of the Main Conflict and Structural items with the improvements you’ve made. Again, it will contain the following:

Main Conflict:
Defeating a Dark Bishop who is seemingly undefeatable

1. Opening:

Aizahn and the Bishop – on a mission. Establishes their friendship. Later there’s a death, and Aizahn goes to raise his godson. Trains him to fight, Bern gets jealous. We find out the Bishop killed Rayen’s parents, that friendship is over. Bern and Rayen grow up to be BFFs

2. Inciting Incident:

Bishop kills Rayen’s parents, severs Aizahn’s and Bishop’s friendship

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Aizahn is trying to build a team that will be strong enough to defeat the Bishop.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

Bishop kills Aizahn.

5. Mid-Point:

Aidan has come on board, Bern finds a love interest but he doesn’t want to pursue it til the Bishop is dead. Xandra infiltrates the team and puts a spell on Rayen to make him leave the team with her.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Bishop is defeated

7. Crisis:

Rayen betrays Bern. A team member has died.

8. Climax:

Xandra has died; spell is broken, Rayen is spared

9. Resolution:

– Bern lets his light mage start practicing combat
– Bern pursues his love interest

This is just something I jotted down.

I may cut/adjust more, depending on what I’m looking at….

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Basic structure Version 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is …. Its tougher than it looks. Everything seems to be in place and working. What could I possibly change? So instead of action I opted to modify behaviors and relationships. This should add some depth and surprises.

The Sixth Stage of Grief

Logline – To relieve her own guilty conscience, a grieving adult daughter looks for evidence that her home security agent contributed to her mother’s untimely death.

Opening – We meet Rosemary as the star of daughter Monica’s ads for home security systems. The relationship behind the ads is tense. Mom is a shrew, Monica her long suffering aide.

Inciting incident – Security agent Dennis Wiley displays an overreaching hand in dealing with another of his clients. He takes his pride in work, obsessive about his authority.

By page 10 – Rosemary has a positive relationship with Dennis, as needy of authority as he is willing to control her life.

First turning point at end of act 1 – Paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion, interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does. When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead.

Mid-point – Monica returns to work with a guilty conscience. When a sympathetic agent vaguely hints Dennis was lax she latches onto the idea of him being guilty and heads to the house to look for evidence.

Second turning at end of Act 2 – Alarmed by Monica’s determination, Dennis impulsively locks her in the house he controls, does everything he can to get her under his control.

Crisis – Dennis enters the house, locks Monica’s boyfriend in a room to use as leverage, but only incenses Monica into a chase through the house.

Climax – They wind up locked in a cold war era bomb shelter where they go at each other in a psychological duel for dominance.

Resolution – Dog tired, emotionally spent, Monica seems to yield to Dennis at long last, but when firefighters and cops finally get the door open, she lays all blame on Dennis which results in the cop shooting him. Retribution comes at a high price.

New outline

Opening – We meet Mom Rosemary as the star of daughter Monica’s ads for home security systems. The relationship behind the ads is tense. Mom is an easily spooked, attention seeking recluse. Monica resents that Dad made caring for Rosemary her obligation. For all her education Monica doesn’t recognize how she enables Rosemary’s neediness.

Inciting incident – Security agent Dennis Wiley displays an overreaching hand in dealing with another of his clients. He takes his pride in work, seeing his guardianship as a necessary evil for the good of his people.

By page 10 – Rosemary depends on Dennis to treat her freak-outs as true emergencies. His ego is stoked by her acceptance of his authority, unlike some of his other clients. He quietly inserts wedges between Rosemary and Monica.

First turning point at end of act 1 – When Monica takes off on a surprise weekend getaway, paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion, interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does. When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead.

Mid-point – Devastated with guilt, Monica will take any reprieve. When a sympathetic agent vaguely hints Dennis overstepped his duty she assumes he’s as least as guilty and heads to the house to look for evidence.

Second turning at end of Act 2 – Alarmed by Monica’s determination, Dennis impulsively locks her in the house he controls during a power outage. He misrepresents the outage as out of his control and she has to wait. Meanwhile he does all he can to ease into her confidence. For a while it works but she’s alarmed by how familiar he is with the house when he directs her on her clean up efforts. But now she can’t get out. He’s cut off her phone and decoyed his own company with a satellite operation in his apartment. Monica’s only recourse is to taunt him into coming in after her.

Crisis – Dennis decoys a police drive by then enters the house. He traps Monica’s boyfriend in a room to use as leverage, but this only incenses Monica into a chase through the house.

Climax – They wind up locked in a cold war era bomb shelter where they go at each other in a psychological duel for dominance.

Resolution – Dog tired, emotionally spent, Monica’s grief explodes out of her control. She seems to yield to Dennis at long last, but when firefighters and cops finally get the door open, she was only playing possum and lays all blame on Dennis which results in the cop shooting him. And now she’s guilty of causing his death. Retribution comes at a high price.

[Demethress Davis]

Hi Cheryl,

I’m confused- here we are supposed to write our feedback for our partners????

Im seeing folks writing synopsis here not sure what is supposed to be in this spot – thought it was about partnering?

Please clarify…Yhx,

Demethress

[Patricia Semler]

Hi Demethress, my name is Pat. I’ve taken several SU classes. To answer your questions. In all Hal’s previous classes we respond to each other by posting feedback underneath/connected to the original post. It used to be one long page of email chains. This new format makes it easier to track. Also, to get the class instructions before the email you can look it up by tapping on Your Screenwriting Classes and going to The rewrite class. They’ll all be in there. Something new added there as well, a check in to ensure you’re doing the classes in order.

You can also private message by tapping the envelope icon in the top right corner of the page if you prefer to keep your notes private. Hope this helps.

[Demethress Davis]

Yes, Pat thanks… I’ve taken quite a few classes with Hal, however the this format is new to me. Assignment #2 I thought it was meant for Day 2 work. So when I see folks submitting Day 1’s Assignment #2 here it confused me.

So I guess still confused, I will add my critique of my partner’s work here and hope that I am posting it in the proper place.

Thanks for reaching out.

Deme

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Demethress Davis.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Basic Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is that I have a lot to improve in order to make this story A-List great.

TITLE: 89 DAYS

LOGLINE: When mercenary marshals seize, shackle and haul an angry alcoholic away in a prisoner van for a felony he doesn’t remember, he’s forced to spend almost three tortuous and life-altering months on the road before facing a judge. (Based on a true story)

MAIN CONFLICT: Is inside Terry, as he struggles with his anger at his father for abandoning the family when Terry was 12, his alcoholism, and prejudices.

1.Opening: Bouncer throws drunk Terry out of a New
Hampshire bar. His wife tries to clean him up. He’s angry, blames fight on
black homosexual. Stopped while taking a swing at his wife, fights with
undercover cop. Arrested, jailed. Wife tells judge Terry’s just angry over
father abandonment. Terry is released on OR. <div>

2.Inciting Incident: In a custody battle for his
kids in California, wife discovers there’s still a warrant for his arrest,
tells police. He’s busted, shackled, hauled off in a prisoner van by
mercenary marshals. His sister will try to raise his bail.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. Terry
suffers from severe alcohol withdrawal. We meet sadistic Marshals and prisoners.
Terry learns the harsh rules of this prison on wheels.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: When Terry
checks his bank account, a Marshal robs him of his money at gunpoint.
Marshals beat him badly for so-called attempted escape.

5. Mid-Point: Skinhead seizes a hostage, actually
attempts escape, is shot dead. Terry, wounded, accepts Angel as his AA
sponsor.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Sister’s
bail money ripped off. No getting off the van now. All is lost Angel is
let off at his prison. Terry has to fight one of the Marshals to keep the
money he found.

7. Crisis: Once the marshals have Terry to themselves,
the torture gets worse—they fracture Terry’s arm.

8. Climax: In NH, judge dismisses his case. He
must ask his estranged father for airfare back to Calif. He learns his dad
is dying of AIDS and forgives him. Sister arrives for funeral.

9. Resolution: On the trip home, his sister tells
the story why the Jews had to wander the desert. He calls his kids, eager
to be a good father to them.
Separating
that one (or more) item(s) out, list the main purpose of that item in the
story and brainstorm a list of other possible ways to deliver that
structural item.

CRISIS: The purpose of the scene is to finalize is conflict with the two Marshals.

Brainstorm:

– Angel kills the two marshals and drives Terry to his trial.

– Terry finally ties the marshals up and escapes the van

– The marshals hurt Terry so bad they have to leave him at a hospital.

– Real cops rescue Terry from the marshals in the nick of time.

– Terry pits one marshal against the other by telling each marshal the other plans to blame the attempted escape on the other one. They argue and then shoot each other.*

*I like this one for the extreme action and violence. They’ve been building towards a final conflict the whole movie.

Make
a second list of the Main Conflict and Structural items
with the improvements you’ve made. </div>

1.Opening: Bouncer throws drunk Terry out of a New Hampshire bar. His
wife tries to clean him up. He’s angry, blames fight on black homosexual. Stopped
while taking a swing at his wife, fights with undercover cop. Arrested, jailed.
Wife tells judge Terry’s just angry over father abandonment. Terry is
released on OR.

<div>

2. Inciting Incident: In a custody battle for his kids in California, wife discovers there’s still a warrant for his arrest, tells police. He’s busted, shackled, hauled off in a prisoner van by mercenary marshals. His sister will try to raise his bail.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. Terry suffers from severe alcohol withdrawal. We meet sadistic Marshals and prisoners. Terry learns the harsh rules of this prison on wheels.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: When Terry checks his bank account, a Marshal robs him of his money at gunpoint. Marshals beat him badly for so-called attempted escape.

5. Mid-Point: Skinhead seizes a hostage, actually attempts escape, is shot dead. Terry, wounded, accepts Angel as his AA sponsor.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Sister’s bail money ripped off. No getting off the van now. All is lost Angel is let off at his prison. Terry has to fight one of the Marshals to keep the money he found.

7. Crisis: Terry uses his wits to turn the marshals, who already fight constantly, against each other. They draw guns and shoot each other. Terry unshackles himself and walks to the courthouse.

8. Climax: In NH, judge dismisses his case. He must ask his estranged father for airfare back to Calif. He learns his dad is dying of AIDS and forgives him. Sister arrives for funeral.

9. Resolution: On the trip home, his sister tells the story why the Jews had to wander the desert. He calls his kids, eager to be a good father to them.

</div>

[Nadine Weathersby]

Assignment Two- Partner up with Deme, and Critique.This is a good story with exciting subtext, I had a few questions which were answered and I got clarity. One was who told Jewel to call the FBI.

[Alan Larson]

Day 2 Assignment:

SUBJECT: Alan’s Basic Structure Version 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is to be open to revising everything.

Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs and sophisticated global sex trafficking.

MAIN CONFLICT: A global sex trafficking gang abducts girls and auctions them on the Dark Web.

VERSION 1:

1. Opening: After having dinner with Jay, Holly Sampson sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted.

2. Inciting Incident: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: By page ten, Holly and Erin Raynor have both been drugged by the gang. Holly – abducted. Erin – attempted abduction.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring auctions girls to the highest bidder on the dark web.

5. Mid-Point: The FBI believes they can rescue Holly from a semi-trailer brothel. But, Holly wasn’t among the girls rescued from the brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly & Erin sky-rocket.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The gang outsmarts the FBI and abducts Erin. But Erin sends out a location alert. The FBI rescues Erin and several other girls, but Holly’s not with them. She’s already been shipped to China.

7. Crisis: Using Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the gang. But the gang bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

8. Climax: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking.

9. Resolution: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii.

ELEVATE the OPENING: Jay & Holly eat at a restaurant.

MAIN PURPOSE: Intro Main Character & Misdirection

1. Jay & Holly go out dancing.

2. Jay & Holly argue about their dad.

3. Jay & Holly jump off a cliff parasailing.

4. Jay & Holly throw snowballs at each other.

5. A WANTED POSTER sketch of Jay’s face prints out at the restaurant where Jay & Holly are eating.

ELEVATE the INCITING INCIDENT: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

MAIN PURPOSE: Showing what the movie is about.

1. Holly gets drugged and abducted.

2. Madison gets abducted.

3. Erin gets drugged and attempted abduction.

4. Jay gets arrested.

5. After seeing Jay and the matching Wanted Poster, the restaurant Hostess calls the police.

VERSION 2:

1. Opening: A Wanted Poster sketch of Jay Crockett as a Person of Interest in five Missing Girl cases prints out and gets placed on a restaurant hostess stand. The poster morphs into Jay’s face as he eats dinner at that restaurant with Holly Sampson.

2. Inciting Incident: Holly sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted by a Global Sex Trafficking Gang.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: By page ten, Holly and Erin Raynor have both been drugged by the gang. Holly – abducted. Erin – attempted abduction.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring auctions girls to the highest bidder on the dark web.

5. Mid-Point: The FBI believes they can rescue Holly from a semi-trailer brothel. But, Holly wasn’t among the girls rescued from the brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly & Erin sky-rocket.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The gang outsmarts the FBI and abducts Erin. But Erin sends out a location alert. The FBI rescues Erin and several other girls, but Holly’s not with them. She’s already been shipped to China.

7. Crisis: Using Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the gang. But the gang bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

8. Climax: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking.

9. Resolution: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii.

[Erica Miner]

Hey Alan,

I’m struggling with my beat sheet but will get to this as soon as I can.

Erica

[Rachel Morgan]

Day 2: Review structure and bust clichés

I’ve struggled with this assignment and am falling behind. I’ve decided to move onto the next assignment and return to this assignment when time permits.

ASSIGNMENT 1

Tell us your logline. In 1951 New York, a detective’s world spins out of control after he bungles two murder cases and is suspended by his department. He fights to redeem himself, but his investigation places him in the crosshairs of a Soviet spy ring and at odds with the FBI.<div>

<div>Present your current story, showing each part of the 9-part structure.<div>

<div>Give us each of these, along with the current main conflict:</div><div>

Main Conflict: A NYC detective struggles with his demons, his department and the FBI, unsure whether he has what it takes to be the good officer he hoped to be.

Opening: The story opens with Det. Bob Stoughton saving the life of a boy – showing us his sense of duty and drive to do the right thing. </div>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Inciting Incident: Stoughton is assigned to investigate the apparent suicide of a professor who is found dead in his study after he receives a visit by a mysterious Canadian named Clark.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Stoughton thinks he’s on top of his game, but in reality, he’s caught in the “fog of war” moving forward with only hints of the dangers that lie ahead.

<div>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>First turning point at end of Act 1: A high-ranking naval officer passes top-secret plans of the new nuclear sub – Nautilus – out of Groton Naval Base and passes them onto Clark.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Mid-Point: Stoughton considers giving up on his career after he is suspended for brawling with other detectives, bungled two murder cases and his wife leaves him.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Second turning point at end of Act 2: Stoughton’s world has collapsed but he finds new faith in himself from the words of the father of the boy he saved and resolves to continue a solitary investigation of the prof’s death.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Crisis: After persisting with his investigation of the prof’s death, Stoughton is convinced it’s a murder linked to the spy ring lead by Clark – but he’s on his own after the FBI tells him to leave Clark alone.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Climax: Stoughton discovers the evidence he needs to bring Clark to justice but is ambushed by Clark before he can report his findings.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Resolution: In a fight for his life, Stoughton overcomes Clark, reveals the truth about the Soviet spy ring and is reinstated into the police force.

</div></div></div></div>

[Marina Shron]

Marina S.

The Image Makers

Basi Structure – Version 1

Main Conflict: A war photographer must uncover a 20 years old conspiracy to save her life and the life of her accidental lover… but at some point has to choose between the two.

Opening:

At the suicide bombing in Kabul, Sarah discovers a body of a woman torn apart by the explosion. She takes a series of shots to capture her expression… The sun is too bright and she asks her fixer Said to move the body to the shade to get a better shot.

Inciting Incident:

1. Current version: Sarah is interviewed by Omar Khaled on his show. He challenges her addiction to photograph suffering and death (playing God) and tells that Allah will punish the image makers on the day of resurrection. Do something practical instead (plant a grain of seed).

The actual inciting incident: After the show, he asks for her help to investigate the death of his brother at Salt Pit years prior. She refuses. (page 15-17).

By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Current version: on Page 10 Sarah says “One day I’ll capture it on film, flying away (a soul).

We know what the story is about thematically. Dramatically, it’s a slow start…

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

Sarah finds out Omar has been arrested – receives his note and a videotape (and a burner cell phone she believes to be his). Decides to investigate. (First turning Point – End Act 1?). Now – page 35.

Mid-Point:

Sarah charges the phone Omar sent her along with the videotape – it’s Burr’s phone. She traces the last call made to Burr – call the number it came from – it’s Gibb’s office number. She meets with Gibbs who promises to release Omar in exchange for the tape.

To win Sarah’s trust, Gibbs tells her about his role in the 2001 renegade operation. He was Ahmed’s handler who delivered the message and the money to him. But the orders came from his boss – who now holds an important position in the government and who would do anything to cover up the op.

Sarah almost agrees to surrender the tape but receives a call from David and leaves in a hurry.

After that meeting, Gibbs decides to dig into her past (suspecting that something fishy is going on between her and David).

The second turning point at end of Act 2:

Gibbs confronts Sarah with his findings of her and David’s past – the pictures from the camera he obtained at the police station in Amsterdam. The pictures implicate David and Sarah in possibly murdering a man (Parker Luna).

Looking at the pictures – Sarah remembers and relieves the experience – her night of the soul.

She’s terrified. The next moment, she discovers that David has been killed in a car crash on orders from Finley. (They made a mistake by approaching him)

Crisis:

Gibbs realizes he is no longer in control. Finely no longer needs him. Sarah’s life is in danger.

He takes her to an old safe house intent to negotiate with Finley. But Finley has thrown him under the bus – blaming the operation on him. Gibbs attempts to use leverage against Finely (the recording of their conversations) – but Finley outplays him, murdering him and staging his death as a suicide.

Sarah is crushed. Not only she’s losing the battle to expose the truth and save Omar — David and Gibbs are both gone, and she feels responsible for their deaths.

Climax:

In what seems like a suicidal mission, Sarah sneaks into Finley’s house with a gun and a camera attached to her body. She knows he wants he will try to kill her – and is recording their encounter, manipulating Finley into admitting his guilt.

Their confrontation is streamed live and goes viral. Meanwhile, Matty calls the Feds – and they arrive just on time to save Sarah’s life.

Resolution:

Finley is arrested and Sarah prepares to testify at his trial. Afraid he might still get away without a conviction – she takes the tape to Omar who, now released, sues the American government for the death of his brother. But Omar burns the tape on his show as a gesture that denounces the past and foresees the new future between the two countries.

Sarah walks out on him and drives into the mountains. No longer in immediate jeopardy, she feels the full weight of her guilt for the death of Luna, the man whose life she’s taken in Amsterdam. She feels his presence in her car. No longer a horrifying shadow from her dreams, he’s quiet, humorous… Is he the angel of death or her guardian angel? Whatever it is, she knows he’s the only man for her.

[Demethress Davis]

Demethress’ Structure Version 1

I was looking over my revisions of the OPENING and think I’d like to combine A & C for more if an impact and give audience insight into Henry’s inner struggle – Also added In A -I added what the argument was about

TITLE: The Devil’s PunchBowl

What I learned from doing this assignment is…that it’s a pain in the butt to juggle work, class and writing in one day – yes One day but I chalk it up to ONE day I will be doing this ALONE and nothing else will get in the way. For now I will do my best with the time I have. Yes, it’s worth it!

Logline: Henry, a light-skinned Black man is taken in by the town’s Good Samaritan. When Henry discovers that she is a White Supremacist intent on killing as many Black people she can, Henry must overcome his own demons before he can stop her.

MAIN CONFLICT: Henry is taken in by Lillian, a White Supremacist hellbent on killing as many Blacks and sympathizers as possible. Henry struggling with the death of his family and loss of life as he knew it, has to face and overcome his demons, learn to trust a new friend and put a stop to Lillian’s horrific carnage.

OPENING

Henry meets Lillian, who invites him into her home for room and board in exchange for him fixing things that need repairs. He gets a feel of the law of the land in the small Alemeda town.

INCITING INCIDENT

Henry witnesses the death of a young man by KKK members in the backwoods behind Lillian‘s house.

BY PAGE 10…WHAT THE STORY IS ABOUT

Henry visits the local library and learns his great great grandfather, a freed slave in Natchez, Mississippi fled to Alemeda, Ga instead of taking the offer to live area known as the Devil’s Punchbowl. Also, he discovers Lillian’s father was a member of the KKK in Alemeda, Ga. He begins a friendship with Jewel.

1ST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1

Henry finds KKK materials possibly connecting Lillian’s family. Jewel talks w/ Henry about her and Lillian’s involvement in the KKK. Did Henry make the right decision in accepting Lillian’s offer?

MID-POINT

After learning of Lillian’s past, Henry asks Jewel to help him gain access to a locked room; her actions give him pause; will she help or give him up? Jewel cones through and once inside the room, Henry finds a museum like atmosphere: Nazi flags and uniforms, photos of lynchings, Blacks being burned, whippings, maimings and other horrific atrocities against Black people. In most of the photos, Henry sees Lillian’s father and a young girl in different age stages. It appears to be Lillian.

2ED TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 2

While Henry does repairs in the attic he hears Lilian‘s conversation demanding the death of someone and he finds more incriminating material of Lillian’s KKK involvement. In his excitement, Henry jumps up and down and steps on a weak beam. He falls through the ceiling. When he awakes in the hospital, Henry is missing an eye. The doctor tells him he should be thankful that is all he lost; his blood alcohol level was way above the legal limit. Henry says he wasn’t drinking.

CRISIS

Henry witnesses another killing at the Devils Punchbowl and narrowly escaped. Lilian holds a party for former borders and all are missing a body part. Jewel invites Henry over for dinner and tells him how she lost her part of her leg. Henry reveals a part of his past. Jewel drugs Henry.

8. CLIMAX

Henry awakens to see Lillian standing over him w/ a lethal injection. Lillian tells him she knows he’s a nigger; she has eyes everywhere. Jewel among them.

Henry tells her that he knows a secret about her, but before he can reveal it jewel hits Lilian on the head with a shovel. Frees Henry.

Shocked and surprised at Jewel’s help, Henry tests her loyalty. They return to the Devil’s Punchbowl to see if anyone is still alive. They find Two people and Henry tells Jewel to get them to the hospital and call the FBI, NOT the local police. He returns to the basement to wait for the police and finds that Lillian is gone. He searches for her and is ambushed by her henchmen. They take him to The Devil’s Punchbowl where he and Lillian come face to face once again. Lillian belittles Henry causing him to revisit his demons of guilt and shame over losing his family.

He finds strength and tells Lillian the secret about her past— her mother was Black which means she is Black or as she always puts it — a Nigger! A physical fight ensues and Lillian and Henry fall into the Devil’s Punchbowl where Henry is the victor and Lillian dies just as the FBI arrive.

RESOLUTION

At an AA meeting, Henry comes to terms with who he is – a Black man who hid behind his light-skin and posed as White to avoid his demons of guilt over the loss of his family, his job. He always thought “white people get away with anything. White people get away with murder. ” No one would bother him in a small town.

Now he realizes he can’t hide behind a face that isn’t his. His demons know no color.

The FBI stand by the exit door alongside Jewel who is handcuffed.

Henry tells her he will be waiting when she gets out of prison.

Henry returns tonNew York City to be reunited with his son who is out of a coma.

I selected the OPENING to brainstorm other ideas to elevate it.

A. It’s raining heavily. Henry drives recklessly with his wife and son in the car. They argue, his wife is upset that Henry has had too much to drink & did cocaine before getting into the car. Henry doesn’t see an oncoming truck with break trouble. His wife is killed and his son is in critical condition. Henry walks away with a broken rib. Depressed and guilt ridden, Henry starts drinking and using cocaine and spirals downhill. He looses his job and apartment. His father labels him a loser and worthless. Henry leaves NYC to a town in the South.

B. It’s past midnight and people dressed in white robes and hoods stand holding torches around a large hole in the ground in the backwoods somewhere in the South.

Cries for help and asking for forgiveness emit from someone wrapped in a black sheet as the body is tossed into the hole and set on fire. Henry exits a bus at the Alemeda Bus Station. He enters a park in the town square and falls asleep on a bench under a large Weeping Willow tree.

C. CU on feet housed in red Ked sneakers as they walk down wooden steps stained in a red dye. In the middle of a dusty basement chained to a whipping pole are a Black man and woman facing each other, naked. The voice behind the red Keds commands two men dressed in white robes and hoods to begin. The sound of whips cracking and skin splitting as blood splashes a Roshak pattern across the white robes. The man and woman wince and grimace but don’t scream out. As the whipping continues the man and woman slowly sink to the basement floor until they pass out. The voice from the red Keds makes a statement: “See these are good niggers; they know not to draw attention. Cut ‘em loose and get the lye. Wake ‘em up! We ain’t done yet.”

Henry, a light-skinned Black man exits the Alemeda bus station, walks across the street to a park, sits in a bench under a Weeping Willow tree and cries.

Demethress’ Structure Version 2

Logline: Henry, a light-skinned Black man is taken in by the town’s Good Samaritan. When Henry discovers that she is a White Supremacist intent on killing as many Black people she can, Henry must overcome his own demons before he can stop her.

MAIN CONFLICT: Henry is taken in by Lillian, a White Supremacist hellbent on killing as many Blacks and sympathizers as possible. Henry struggling with the death of his family and loss of life as he knew it, has to face and overcome his demons, learn to trust a new friend and put a stop to Lillian’s horrific carnage.

OPENING

CU on feet housed in red Ked sneakers as they walk down wooden steps stained in a red dye. In the middle of a dusty basement chained to a whipping pole are a Black man and woman facing each other, naked. The voice behind the red Keds commands two men dressed in white robes and hoods to begin. The sound of whips cracking and skin splitting as blood splashes a Roshak pattern across the white robes. The man and woman wince and grimace but don’t scream out. As the whipping continues the man and woman slowly sink to the basement floor until they pass out. The voice from the red Keds makes a statement: “See these are good niggers; they know not to draw attention. Cut ‘em loose and get the lye. Wake ‘em up! We ain’t done yet.”

Henry, a light-skinned Black man exits the Alemeda bus station, walks across the street to a park, sits in a bench under a Weeping Willow tree and cries.

INCITING INCIDENT

Henry witnesses the death of a young man by KKK members in the backwoods behind Lillian‘s house.

BY PAGE 10…WHAT THE STORY IS ABOUT

Henry visits the local library and learns his great great grandfather, a freed slave in Natchez, Mississippi fled to Alemeda, Ga instead of taking the offer to live area known as the Devil’s Punchbowl. Also, he discovers Lillian’s father was a member of the KKK in Alemeda, Ga. He begins a friendship with Jewel.

1ST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1

Henry finds KKK materials possibly connecting Lillian’s family. Jewel talks w/ Henry about her and Lillian’s involvement in the KKK. Did Henry make the right decision in accepting Lillian’s offer?

MID-POINT

After learning of Lillian’s past, Henry asks Jewel to help him gain access to a locked room; her actions give him pause; will she help or give him up? Jewel cones through and once inside the room, Henry finds a museum like atmosphere: Nazi flags and uniforms, photos of lynchings, Blacks being burned, whippings, maimings and other horrific atrocities against Black people. In most of the photos, Henry sees Lillian’s father and a young girl in different age stages. It appears to be Lillian.

2ED TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 2

While Henry does repairs in the attic he hears Lilian‘s conversation demanding the death of someone and he finds more incriminating material of Lillian’s KKK involvement. In his excitement, Henry jumps up and down and steps on a weak beam. He falls through the ceiling. When he awakes in the hospital, Henry is missing an eye. The doctor tells him he should be thankful that is all he lost; his blood alcohol level was way above the legal limit. Henry says he wasn’t drinking.

CRISIS

Henry witnesses another killing at the Devils Punchbowl and narrowly escaped. Lilian holds a party for former borders and all are missing a body part. Jewel invites Henry over for dinner and tells him how she lost her part of her leg. Henry reveals a part of his past. Jewel drugs Henry.

8. CLIMAX

Henry awakens to see Lillian standing over him w/ a lethal injection. Lillian tells him she knows he’s a nigger; she has eyes everywhere. Jewel among them.

Henry tells her that he knows a secret about her, but before he can reveal it jewel hits Lilian on the head with a shovel. Frees Henry.

Shocked and surprised at Jewel’s help, Henry tests her loyalty. They return to the Devil’s Punchbowl to see if anyone is still alive. They find Two people and Henry tells Jewel to get them to the hospital and call the FBI, NOT the local police. He returns to the basement to wait for the police and finds that Lillian is gone. He searches for her and is ambushed by her henchmen. They take him to The Devil’s Punchbowl where he and Lillian come face to face once again. Lillian belittles Henry causing him to revisit his demons of guilt and shame over losing his family.

He finds strength and tells Lillian the secret about her past— her mother was Black which means she is Black or as she always puts it — a Nigger! A physical fight ensues and Lillian and Henry fall into the Devil’s Punchbowl where Henry is the victor and Lillian dies just as the FBI arrive.

RESOLUTION

At an AA meeting, Henry comes to terms with who he is – a Black man who hid behind his light-skin and posed as White to avoid his demons of guilt over the loss of his family, his job. He always thought “white people get away with anything. White people get away with murder. ” No one would bother him in a small town.

Now he realizes he can’t hide behind a face that isn’t his. His demons know no color.

The FBI stand by the exit door alongside Jewel who is handcuffed.

Henry tells her he will be waiting when she gets out of prison.

Henry returns tonNew York City to be reunited with his son who is out of a coma.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Demethress Davis.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Demethress Davis.

[Rachel Morgan]

Day 2: Review structure and bust clichés (updated)

Rachel’s concept and basic structure.

This assignment was a challenge and I’ve had to compromise somewhat so that I could move forward with the Day 3 Assignment. Rather than brainstorm a list of alternative scenes, I’ve looked for weaknesses in the existing scenes. As a result, I’ve learned from this assignment that it’s worth reviewing key points in a screenplay looking for better ways of accomplishing the goal of the scenes.

ASSIGNMENT 1

Tell us your logline.

In 1951 New York, a detective’s world spins out of control after he bungles two murder cases and is suspended by his department. He fights to redeem himself, but his investigation places him in the crosshairs of a Soviet spy ring and at odds with the FBI.

Present your current story, showing each part of the 9-part structure.
Give us each of these, along with the current main conflict:<div>

Main Conflict: A NYC detective struggles with his demons, his department and the FBI, unsure whether he has what it takes to be the good officer he hoped to be.

Opening: The story opens with Det. Bob Stoughton saving the life of a boy – showing us his sense of duty and drive to do the right thing. Inciting Incident: Stoughton is assigned to investigate the apparent suicide of a professor who is found dead in his study after a visit by a mysterious Canadian named Clark.</div>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Stoughton thinks he’s on top of his game, but in reality, he’s caught in the “fog of war” moving forward with only hints of the dangers that lie ahead.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>First turning point at end of Act 1: A high-ranking naval officer passes top-secret plans of the new nuclear sub – Nautilus – out of Groton Naval Base and passes them onto Clark.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Mid-Point: Stoughton considers giving up on his career after he is suspended for brawling with other detectives, bungled two murder cases and his wife leaves him.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Second turning point at end of Act 2: Stoughton’s world has collapsed but he finds new faith in himself from the words of the father of the boy he saved and resolves to continue a solitary investigation of the prof’s death.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Crisis: After persisting with his investigation of the prof’s death, Stoughton is convinced it’s a murder linked to the spy ring led by Clark – but he’s on his own after the FBI tells him to leave Clark alone.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Climax: Stoughton discovers the evidence he needs to bring Clark to justice but is ambushed by Clark before he can report his findings.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Resolution: In a fight for his life, Stoughton overcomes Clark, reveals the truth about the Soviet spy ring and is reinstated into the police force.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Look back over the 9 elements and select at least one <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>to elevate.

<div>The two elements I’m going to rewrite are: A) the inciting incident; and B) the Pg. 10 turning point.</div><div>

Separating that one (or more) item(s) out, list the <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>main purpose of that item in the story and brainstorm a list of <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>other possible ways to deliver that structural item.

a) The original inciting incident was too passive. In the new version, the prof’s wife is more aggressive as she confronts Stoughton over his early assumption that her husband committed suicide. As well, Stoughton pushes back harder about her assumptions it was a murder. This increases the tension and leaves Stoughton with nagging doubts about the suicide. Thirdly, the connection between Clark and the sub surveillance is clarified, which heightens the stakes in the story.

b) The original Pg 10 turning point was weak. Stoughton didn’t have enough reason to challenge the suicide theory. The new Pg 10 turning point introduces the possibility that the suicide was staged. The wife’s challenge forces Stoughton to decide whether he is willing to accept the facts of the death on face value or continue investigating.

Make a second list of the Main Conflict and Structural items with the improvements you’ve made. Again, it will contain the following:</div>

<div>

Main Conflict: A NYC detective struggles with his demons, his department and the FBI, unsure whether he has what it takes to be the good officer he hoped to be.

Opening: The story opens with Det. Bob Stoughton saving the life of a boy – showing us his sense of duty and drive to do the right thing. </div>

Inciting Incident: Stoughton is assigned to investigate the apparent suicide of a professor after a visit by a mysterious Canadian named Clark. Clark is linked to a shadowy surveillance operation of U.S. subs.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Despite the overwhelming evidence pointing to suicide, Stoughton has nagging doubts. He decides to continue investigating the prof’s death, unaware of the link with Clark and the shadowy surveillance team.

First turning point at end of Act 1: A high-ranking naval officer passes top-secret plans of the new nuclear sub – Nautilus – out of Groton Naval Base and passes them onto Clark.

Mid-Point: Stoughton considers giving up on his career after he is suspended for brawling with other detectives, bungled two murder cases and his wife leaves him.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: Stoughton’s world has collapsed but he finds new faith in himself after a surprise visit from the father of the boy he saved. Stoughton resolves to continue a solitary investigation of the prof’s death.

Crisis: After persisting with his investigation, Stoughton has connected the dots and is convinced it’s a murder linked to a spy ring led by Clark. But he needs more evidence and he’s on his own after the FBI tells him to leave Clark alone.

Climax: Stoughton discovers the evidence he needs to bring Clark to justice but is ambushed by Clark before he can report his findings. In a fight for his life, Stoughton overcomes Clark but barely survives.

Resolution: Stoughton reveals the truth about the Soviet spy ring and is reinstated into the police force. The professor is shown to be a loyal American.

[Marina Shron]

Basic Structure – Alternative Version

I’m still rethinking the major plot points… I feel the inciting incident could be stronger – and Sarah’s drive to save Omar could be more grounded, emotionally… I’m toying with the idea that they knew each other in the past when they were teenagers — and got separated by her father… My reservation is that this perhaps a more cliché than having Sarah fighting for a complete stranger… I have included some options – a and b – still brainstorming the best one. Also, trying to give the mid-point more weight…

Main Conflict: A war photographer must uncover a 20 years old CIA conspiracy to save the life of her accidental lover (or – childhood sweetheart she meets by chance?) finding herself in increasing jeopardy from a corrupt politician who would stop at nothing to cover it up.

Opening:

At the suicide bombing in Kabul, Sarah discovers a body of a woman torn apart by the explosion. She removes the burka covering the woman’s face, trying to capture her expression… The sun is too bright and she asks her fixer to move the body to the shade to get a better shot.

2. Inciting Incident:

a) Sarah gets an invitation from a host of a popular religious talk show – a TV sheik. She can’t sleep and goes to the party, reluctantly. At the party, she realizes that the host, Omar Khaled is her childhood sweetheart, her first love. His father, an illegal immigrant from Afghanistan, worked for her father as (chauffeur, landscaper, gardener, chef?). When her father, the senator found about their relationship, he fired his dad. They were 14-15 at the time.

OR

b) Sarah receives an invitation to a talk show. The host has a controversial reputation… Sarah sees his picture and is intrigued. He reminds her of her first love. She discovers on the show that Omar is in fact that childhood sweetheart.

After the show, they revisit the past… He tells her he returned to Afghanistan (the country his father escaped) to help rebuild it, pave the new path… He’s a man with a vision – genuinely religious yet hypocritical… Mentions his brother Ahmed who fought with Bin Laden and died in Slat Pit, a CIA Black site near Kabul.

They rekindle their connection (end up in her hotel room?) but are interrupted by a phone call from Burr.

a) Omar rushes to see him… Leaving her, in distress, behind.

b) Omar is in a hurry to leave… Sarah goes with him. He explains in the cab that the man is a former CIA interrogator and has some sensational information about his brother’s death.

In the morning Sarah finds out in the news that Omar was arrested, accused of murdering a former CIA interrogator.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

1) Or Page 10 – Sarah and Omar rekindle their love… The audience is misled to believe this is going to be a love story.

On page 15 – Page 15 – Sarah comes with Omar to see Burr…

Then – reversal when Omar is arrested. But still a love story… I have to save him!

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

New versions:

a) Sarah is interviewed by the detective who tells her that Omar was investigating his brother’s death and that Burr was Ahmed’s interrogator at Salt Pit (a suspect). A revenge killing? shows her a surveillance video of Omar in Burr’s apartment, taking the tape as proof that Omar was there. In the video, Omar is seen taking the tape… Sarah asks who took the video – the detective says the Americans shared took it…. Burr was under surveillance. Sarah is alarmed. Denies she was with Omar that night.

When she returns to the hotel, she finds the envelope with the tape and a burner phone…

b) Omar’s wife delivers the tape to her – Omar asked her to? She tells Sarah – save my husband?

Sarah decides to investigate. Calls Said for help.

5. Mid-Point:

Sarah locates Gibbs using the burner phone (turns out it belonged to Burr).

She meets with Gibbs and makes a major discovery – about what happened back in 2011. A) Gibbs tells her his side of the story – he was Ahmed’s handler, someone who recruited him, but he was fired from the CIA after 9/11 – and someone else used his asset – then got rid of him. He’s been conducting his own investigation – that’s why he was in touch with Burr.

A) Gibbs is trying to manipulate Sarah into giving him the tape that he says he needs to crack the case.

B) Gibbs is telling the truth – he’s a good guy and Finley, his former boss is his nemesis.

Sarah initially believes Gibbs and agrees to give him the tape – but she doesn’t have it with her. They go back to the hotel… Something about his behavior alarms her… Or maybe she asks Matty to confirm his story – and Matty finds out he’s lying about being fired? Gibbs pulls a gun on her – but she escapes with the tape.

She finally calls David – they two meet. David gets an idea – to take the tape to Finley, his boss.

After that meeting, Gibbs decides to dig into her past (suspecting that something fishy is going on between her and David).

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Gibbs confronts Sarah with his findings of her and David’s past – the pictures from the camera he obtained at the police station in Amsterdam. The pictures implicate David and Sarah in possibly murdering a man (Parker Luna).

Looking at the pictures – Sarah remembers and relieves the experience – her night of the soul.

She’s terrified. The next moment, she discovers that David has been killed in a car crash on orders from Finley. (They made a mistake by approaching him)

7. Crisis:

Gibbs realizes he is no longer in control. Finely no longer needs him. Sarah’s life is in danger.

He takes her to an old safe house intent to negotiate with Finley. But Finley has thrown him under the bus – blaming the operation on him. Gibbs attempts to use leverage against Finely (the recording of their conversations) – but Finley outplays him, murdering him and staging his death as a suicide.

Sarah is crushed. Not only she’s losing the battle to expose the truth and save Omar — David and Gibbs are both gone, and she feels responsible for their deaths.

8. Climax:

In what seems like a suicidal mission, Sarah sneaks into Finley’s house with a gun and a camera attached to her body. She knows he wants he will try to kill her – and is recording their encounter, manipulating Finley into admitting his guilt.

Their confrontation is streamed live and goes viral. Meanwhile, Matty calls the Feds – and they arrive just on time to save Sarah’s life.

9. Resolution:

Finley is arrested and Sarah prepares to testify at his trial. Afraid he might still get away without a conviction – she takes the tape to Omar who, now released, sues the American government for the death of his brother. But Omar burns the tape on his show as a gesture that denounces the past and foresees the new future between the two countries.

Sarah walks out on him and drives into the mountains. No longer in immediate jeopardy, she feels the full weight of her guilt for the death of Luna, the man whose life she’s taken in Amsterdam. She feels his presence in her car. No longer a horrifying shadow from her dreams, he’s quiet, humorous… Is he the angel of death or her guardian angel? Whatever it is, she knows he’s the only man for her.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Marina Shron.

[Rachel Morgan]

Hi Marina,

I think the first version holds together better than the revised version(s). It seems far fetched that Sarah and Omar would have known each other as children. The scenes seem less connected and it’s harder to follow the story. I sense you put a lot of work into that earlier version and it works for me – a gripping tale of espionage, betrayal and dashed hopes.

[Marina Shron]

Haha, thanks.

Maybe I’m overthinking it:)

[Erica Miner]

HI Alan,

Thanks so much for your critique. Honestly, I’d rather just work with you if that’s okay. I find your manner, your suggestions and insights really resonate with me. I appreciate your suggesting to me not only what needs improvement but also what needs work and most importantly, HOW to improve things.

Great input about the Missing Page. That is one plot point that I’ve never felt satisfied with. It’s a bit better in the actual script, but I should be making it much clearer via the beats. So, thank you for that.

I found this assignment very tough and hugely labor intensive. That’s probably what Hal intended! It doesn’t help that I’m behind on a bunch of music articles that are due. I feel rather overextended. Timing is everything. Tomorrow is another day, and I intend to start with critiquing yours.

Have a great evening, and thanks again.

Erica

[Erica Miner]

Hi Demethress,

Thanks so much for reaching out about exchanging feedback. I honestly am feeling pretty overwhelmed just getting the assignments done and critiquing my partner, so regretfully I have to decline your offer. But I do appreciate it.

Erica

[Marina Shron]

Rachel,

I like the new logline – much clearer.

Still not sure how bungling these investigations is related to his personal demons…

Or is it that he’s just naive? Maybe he’s used by someone who’s more powerful and ruthless than he is? Or someone he has an emotional attachment to?

And is Clark an FBI informer?

Also, it seems at the Mid point, Clark is the one who is active. What is our her’s action, his choice?

[Rachel Morgan]

Hi Marina,

Thanks for your insights. They’re helpful.

In answer to your questions: Clark is the primary antagonist and like Prof. Moriarity, he is largely in the background pulling strings and running his own game. Although not directly interacting with Stoughton through much of the story, his actions have an impact on Stoughton’s life – an impact that Stoughton is not aware of.

Clark is not an FBI informant in the normal sense. In the script, it becomes clear the FBI twigged to Clark’s spy ring but were only aware that he was monitoring conventional sub movements.

Clark is a disgruntled Canadian veteran recruited by the Soviets to spy on U.S sub bases on the East Coast. He has compromising sex pics of the high-ranking naval officer who is ferreting Nautilus plans out of Groton naval base.

The FBI consider Clark to be a double agent who is dancing to their tune. They have threatened to throw him behind bars forever if he doesn’t do what they want – they want him to use his status as a Soviet spy to obtain secret codes used by the Soviets to converse with their military and espionage operations. (At this time in history, the U.S. and NATO forces couldn’t crack Soviet codes.)

Stoughton’s demons stem from PTSD. He was a combat soldier in Europe in the Second World War. He has nightmares and trouble controlling his anger. These demons damage his marriage and spark friction with fellow officers. Most scenes focus on Stoughton. The first half of the screenplay focuses on his downfall – he bungles two murder cases (a Columbia University professor and a young woman found bludgeoned in an alley), gets suspended for brawling and his wife walks out on him.

By the mid-point, Stoughton is mired in depression and self-doubt. He’s a failure. But the father of a boy he saved in the opening scene pays a visit and tells Stoughton he’s a good man – if not for Stoughton’s decisive actions, his son would have died. It’s a simple scene resulting in Stoughton sobbing alone in his tiny apartment. It’s cathartic and gives him the spark to clean himself up and start over.

<font face=”inherit”>Stoughton pushes on with the investigation of one of the murders he botched – an apparent suicide by a Columbia University professor. Stoughton learns of the Soviet spy ring headed by Clark. His investigation is impeded by the FBI, who warn him not to </font>interfere in their dealings with Clark. <font face=”inherit”> </font>

<font face=”inherit”>But Stoughton persists and discovers that Clark is stealing the secret plans of the Nautilus. He discovers the source of the plans – the naval officer. And he discovers evidence that Clark has committed two murders (the professor and a foreign student at Columbia), making one look like suicide and the other as an accident. With solid evidence, he plans to go to the FBI. The climax is his confrontation with Clark, which results in Clark’s death and the near death of Stoughton. </font>

<font face=”inherit”>The subplot focuses on the conviction and execution of a Polish immigrant who fled communism in his home country to establish a better life for his family in the U.S. He is wrongly convicted of the murder of the young woman in the </font>agley<font face=”inherit”> and tarred as a communist. </font>

<font face=”inherit”>My goal was to use this injustice as a mirror to highlight the hypocrisy of others who claimed to be loyal Americans, or in Clark’s case, amoral with no loyalties to any nation. It channels the fear and persecution that </font>occurred during the McCarthy years – a fascinating period in history that has implications for us today.

I admit that I’m struggling to make all of this clear within the parameters of the assignments. I’m also having trouble working within the parameters of the 3-act story as described by Hal in his instructions for the assignment. I don’t mean to disparage the assignments, I appreciate how they challenge us to think carefully about our structure and our characters. Ultimately, I may have to do a major rewrite of the entire screenplay. The game is afoot.