Day 2 Assignments

[Deleted User]

ASSIGNMENT 1

———————–

Karen Crider’s logline and one page.

What I learned doing this assignment is: Defining what I am trying to pinpoint.

TITLE: For the Love of Percy

GENRE: Fantasy

LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to outer space.

OVERVIEW:

Prince Percy, the infant dragon of King Ferdinand and Queen Sophie, is cast in a cloud by his nurse, after his planetary kingdom is vanquished and his parents murdered. He enters a portal from Planet Freome, and falls to Earth inside a raindrop at a local school. A bullied, third grade boy, Dusty, sneaks home what he thinks is a lizard. After Percy rescues the boy from bullies, Dusty realizes the lizard is a magical dragon. They grow up together, but after graduation, Dusty marries, and goes into the Army. The dragon follows him for years invisibly, even to war in Afghanistan, where Percy takes shrapnel, protecting his only friend. After years of service, Dusty is discharged, and goes home. When Percy’s convinced his friend is safe, he explores space. He searches for his own kind everywhere, until he finds the Planet Freome, Planet of the Dragons; unknowingly, his home planet. The princess, (who is actually his twin sister, taken as an infant) selects Percy at her coming out debut as her beau. The king (who murdered Percy’s family,) objects, and Percy is slung into the portal by the king’s goons. He’s transported to Earth where he decides to track down his old friend, Dusty, whose wife has died. Dusty is in mourning. He’s taken his wife’s ashes to their lake cabin to scatter, when Percy returns. Dusty has forgotten about Percy, as if he’s a childhood fantasy. A clash results, but they reunite as friends. From that point on, whatever Dusty needs, Percy steals, frustrating Dusty all the more. Eventually, Percy’s blamed and charged with grand larceny. His indifferent, grown children ignore his pleas for help, after he blames the theft on a dragon. He ends up in prison. Percy breaks him out, and before the portal closes forever, they go on the lam into space, only to discover, the Bermuda Triangle intersecting with Planet Freome, lends more than irony as a home-warming gift.

[Greg Kanaga]

*

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Greg Kanaga.

[Judith Watson]

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is brainstorming helps come up with new ideas for cliché busting.

Judith’s Concept and Basic Structure Version 1

REUNION –

GENRE – thriller

Lesson 2 – Day 2: Structure

LOGLINE for REUNION: When an estranged sister arrives pretending wanting to make up, her unsuspecting sibling welcomes her with open arms only to discover her sister has evil intentions.

MAIN CONFLICT – Wanting to reunite her family, Emily won’t give up that someday, she and her sister can be a family once more. However, her sister, a revengeful and jealous person, cannot forgive Emily for some actions as children and she is bent on destroying Emily’s life taking over Emily’s successful art career and life.

OPENING – Emily returns from her morning run and discovers another “return to sender” letter in the mailbox. She stares at the letter, tears it up and throws it in the trash. Her husband, Eugene, says, “Good for you.” Eugene leaves for work. Emily opens the closet and we see that a whole box full of “return to sender” letters exist. OR start with a thief robbing and committing murder in a house. We are not sure the names of the people who are killed in the house until later.

INCITING INCIDENT – Emily is having a big success at her gallery show, selling many paintings when there is a ruckus at the front door. An uninvited guest is trying to get in. Emily checks what is going on and her estranged sister, Rachel, the “return to sender” letter sender has come uninvited to the show and wants to renew her relationship with Emily. She brings flowers from their mother and a card.

PLOT POINT 1 – Emily calls Rachel and says she is willing to try a reconciliation.

MIDPOINT – A detective meets with Emily and tells her that her mother and sister were killed in a fire in Rachel’s house. Emily is stunned and tells the Detective that is impossible. Rachel has been here the last week. She vows to confront Rachel and find out what is going on.

PLOT POINT 2 – After the attempted killing of Emily, Rachel kidnaps the little girl (Katie) who Emily is adopting to lure Emily to her so she can finish the job of killing Emily and take over her life.

CRISIS – Emily changes her goal of reconciliation and decides to rescue Katie no matter what the cost.

CLIMAX – Surrounded by fire, Rachel, and Emily fight. Emily manages to rescue Katie, but Rachel is killed in the fire.

RESOLUTION – Emily, along with Eugene and Katie watching, places flowers on her mother’s grave and Rachel’s.

PART 2 –

MAIN CONFLICT – Emily fighting for her life from her revengeful and jealous sister.

Changed plot point 1 –

The main purpose of plot point 1 is to show that Emily has been fooled by Rachel into believing that her intentions of reconciliation are honest and true.

OPENING – Emily returns from her morning run and discovers another “return to sender” letter in the mailbox. She stares at the letter, tears it up and throws it in the trash. Her husband, Eugene, says, “Good for you.” Eugene leaves for work. Emily opens the closet and we see that a whole box full of “return to sender” letters exist. OR start with a thief robbing and committing murder in a house. We are not sure the names of the people who are killed in the house until later.

INCITING INCIDENT – Emily is having a big success at her gallery show, selling many paintings when there is a ruckus at the door. An uninvited guest is trying to get in. Emily checks what is going on and her estranged sister, Rachel, the “return to sender”

letter sender has come uninvited to the show and wants to renew her relationship with Emily. She brings flowers from their mother and a card.

PLOT POINT 1 – Rachel arrives at Emily’s house holding a “return to sender” letter she found outside in the trash and apologizes for all the hurt she must have caused over the years. Emily succumbs and agrees to try a reconciliation.

MIDPOINT – A detective meets with Emily and tells her that her mother and sister were killed in a fire in Rachel’s house. Emily is stunned and tells the Detective that is impossible. Rachel has been here the last week. She vows to confront Rachel and find out what is going on.

PLOT POINT 2 – After the attempted killing of Emily, Rachel kidnaps the little girl (Katie) who Emily is adopting to lure Emily to her so she can finish the job of killing Emily and take over her life.

CRISIS – Emily changes her goal of reconciliation and decides to rescue Katie no matter what the cost.

CLIMAX – Surrounded by fire, Rachel, and Emily fight. Emily manages to rescue Katie, but Rachel is killed in the fire.

RESOLUTION – Emily, along with Eugene and Katie watching, places flowers on her mother’s grave and Rachels.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Judith Watson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Judith Watson.

[Susan Silver]

Hi Judith,

I’m working on this class all day today, but I’d like to make sure we’re partners before doing your critique. If you’d still like to partner up, could you please let me know at susanjsilver@yahoo.com or via text at (541) 286-6870? Thanks!

[Judith Watson]

I just sent you my email. best, Judith

[Susan Silver]

Got it! I have your feedback ready. Would you like me to email it to you or post it here?

[Heather Hood]

George Strakosch, thank you for partnering with me and giving me the opportunity to review your logline and One Page. Here are my thoughts:

LOGLINE

An undercover FBI agent is about to bring down a major mob boss when the criminal announces he is running for President, forcing the FBI to stand down and the agent to disobey orders and go rogue, moving deeper into this presidential campaign run by a crime family, in order to bring him to justice.

An undercover FBI agent is forced to stand down from an investigation of a major mob boss when the criminal announces he is running for President. The agent disobeys orders and goes rogue, moving deeper into the presidential campaign funded by a crime family, in order to bring him to justice.

It’s a little bit more concise, but I have to admit: loglines are not my forte. Is the campaign funded by HIS family? Because you could say ‘when the criminal admits he is running for President in a campaign funded by his family’ and cut it in the following line. Actually, you really don’t need it in there. The story is all about the mob boss and the undercover FBI. The funding will come out later as part of the story, but it really doesn’t add to the logline.

ONE PAGE

Undercover FBI Agent Johnnie Pelazza knows it will be a perfect day. Two years of his work will result in the arrest of mob boss Thomas Morelli. And allow him to go home to his family.

However, the arrest doesn’t happen that morning. Morelli has disappeared. And the U.S. Attorney believes Johnnie warned him of the pending indictment.

So, Johnnie is a suspect already? Why?

Morelli is spotted in New Hampshire. The FBI surrounds him. But the mobster announces to the press that he is running for President! He just registered for the New Hampshire Primary.

He is not arrested. The Department of Justice’s new rules say anyone running for President cannot be indicted. Johnnie and his FBI handler, Patty Burke, are told to stand down.

But Johnnie is obsessed with bringing Morelli to justice. He has a heartbreaking choice: obey FBI orders and let Morelli slip through his fingers or disobey and go back undercover. Losing his job. Losing his family. Maybe losing his life. He chooses to go rogue. He must bring Morelli down.

The intensity of his need to pursue Morelli is something you can use to really bring out Johnnie’s character later. Love this!

Johnnie goes to a high-level mob meeting, infuriating his superiors. Patty is forced to find and bring Johnnie back. She goes undercover as his girlfriend. Caught at the meeting,

What does she do that gives her away and makes her get caught? Is there something between Johnnie and Patty? All food for development later. Great job!

she is psychologically tortured and sexually abused by Ignatius Rinaldi, the mob’s underboss. At gunpoint. With Johnnie forced to watch. She barely escapes with her life.

Ok, I know we can get away with a lot on TV now, but have you thought about how you are going to describe this in the script? You have to sell the story, and not lose the audience along the way. Just sayin’.

Johnnie refuses to leave. He needs to discover Morelli’s plans.

The mob boss says he plans to use the presidency to gain more wealth, more power and immunity. He tells Johnnie he wants him to work on the campaign. To help him become president.

I know we have to hook the audience into watching the show in the first episode, but this seems fast to me. Probably because I’m not seeing the undercover relationship that has been established between Johnnie and Morelli. Would it be more appropriate if Morelli offers him the job and tells him to think about it? Again this is just me thinking because I don’t know their relationship. Maybe you should include this on the one page. How close Johnnie managed to get to Morelli. It seems like Morelli trusts him a lot.

Back at the FBI, Patty overhears the Assistant Attorney General say that the powers in D.C. believe Johnnie is too big a risk and must be eliminated. Johnnie will die tomorrow!

Can Johnnie survive his own government? Can a mob boss successfully run for President? Or can a rogue FBI agent bring him down?

This is a really well thought out first episode for a series. I haven’t watched the Sopranos or any other similar show, so I have no reference to hold this up to. Has this plot been done before? If it hasn’t, then you’ve got a shot. Have you spaced it out for 60 pages?

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>It would be interesting to see this script in depth, with the dialogue and action scenes. How do you keep the voices distinct and fresh?

Heather Hood

[George Strakosch]

Heather,

Thanks for your great feedback. I just sent you an email describing the revisions I’m making.

I also emailed you last night feedback on your Logline and One Page, in case you haven’t seen it yet.

Thanks again,

George

[Greg Kanaga]

What I learned about Clichà busting is that it’s a fun/embarrassing way to critique my writing. I laughed, I cringed, I wrote better scenes.

What I learned about structure is that the structure is built on top of the core of the story. No matter how great the story, without a strong structure it’s impossible to write a script producers will want to read.

THE LAST DOGFIGHT

Main Conflict: A demoted Fighter Pilot struggles to earn back his wings and the respect of his peers.

1. Opening

Connelly’s showboating in his F-4 fighter during flight training nearly kills dozens of civilians.

2. Inciting Incident:

Connelly is stripped of his pilot status and shipped to Vietnam to be a back-seater in the F-4.

3. By page 10 we know what the movie is about:

Connelly is bitter and wants his wings back.

4. First turning point at the end of act one:

After Connelly’s best friend and former back-seater is killed he gets drunk and decks a superior officer.

He’s jailed facing a dishonorable discharge.

5.. Midpoint:

Given another chance he and his front-seater, Prof, shoot down a Mig.

At the officers club he meets Maggie and they become involved. Things are finally looking up.

6. Second turning point at end of act 2:

While Connelly and Maggie are on a date at an orchid farm, a little girl is hit by a jeep of drunk airman.

7. Crises.

He is arrested again, this time for crashing a car through the base gate rushing the injured girl the the hospital.

Stripped of all flying duties he is put on a desk job. He cuts ties with everyone.

Maggie discovers she’s pregnant.

Maggie explains things to the Base Commander and Connelly is returned to flying. Not knowing she’s the reason he avoids her attempts to reconnect.

7. Climax.

Chance and Prof are shot down and presumed killed in action.

Maggie believes she has evidence that Connally may have survived but is unable to convince the bureaucracy to do another search.

She breaks down at the officers club. Out of sympathy and to get her off his back Prof’s best friend, Mad, makes one last flyover of the area.

Resolution:

Mad hears Connally’s faint voice over the emergency radio. A massive rescue is launched and he’s brought back to the arms of Maggie.

45 years later Prof’s remains are brought home. All the characters attend the funeral including Connally, Maggie and their grown daughter, an Air Force officer with wings.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Greg Kanaga.

[Frank Gaide]

ASSIGNMENT 2:

Frank’s basic structure version 1

WHAT I LEARNED: This exercise was much more difficult than expected. First pass through I found myself overwriting between each of the 9 parts in structure. I was actually writing a complete outline because I didn’t want to leave out any scenes. I decided to rely on discovering the “core” of each part and limit the description to a logline style sentence or two. KISS.

TITLE: THE UGLY BOAT

LOGLINE:

When an aimless young thief and his cut-throat brother get trapped on a boat with a million dollars in mob money and four dangerous strangers scheming to eliminate each other, he must decide who he can trust to survive.

MAIN CONFLICT: Stepbrothers searching for respect, trust, and financial security in their private lives spills into their decision to kill each other over a million dollars.

1 – OPENING:

A dead body floats ashore with debris from a shipwreck. Police investigate.

DAY BEFORE

Terri and Ronni (stepbrothers in petty crime) and Rose (Ronni’s girlfriend) steal Paul Revere’s headstone for ransom. They hope to hustle some money from the City of Boston on 4^th of July.

It means money for Terri’s young family without working for it: and an escalation in Ronni’s criminal career.

2 – INCITING INCIDENT:

Ronni smashes a classic car owned by Red (local mob boss).

Red threatens to have Ronni disappear. So Ronni and Terri must ransom the headstone to pay him. But the City of Boston refuses to pay – they’ll just replace it. Ronni talks Terri and Rose into robbing a small bank near the waterfront.

Ronni gets to up his criminal career: and Terri gets to hold onto his failing marriage with the windfall of cash.

Izzy, cheating housewife, and Diesel, her boyfriend, take his 40-foot fishing trawler to Boston, miles away from their bankrupt fishing town. They go to lunch.

3 – YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:

Terri and Ronni need to find money real fast before Red kills Ronni and Terri loses his family.

4 – FIRST TURNING POINT END OF ACT 1:

Terri, Ronni, and Rose bungle the bank heist. With police searching for them, they stupidly escape to the waterfront and hide in a large unoccupied fishing boat.

Diesel and Izzy return to their boat. Terri, Ronni, and Rose hide within.

Red arrives and discusses his ongoing drug smuggling arrangement with Diesel and Izzy. Terri, Ronni, and Rose learn there’s illegal drugs on board and millions in mob money.

Leaving the harbor, Terri, Ronni, and Izzy overpower Red, Diesel, and Izzy.

Ronni orders the boat into a bad storm, to hideout.

Terri befriends Izzy over Ronni’s increased hostility and physical threats to Diesel, Red, and Izzy.

Terri learns how to operate the boat, secretly.

Police investigate the failed bank heist and discover Red on this boat and want to catch him.

Izzy’s husband unable to locate her.

5 – MIDPOINT:

Ronni tells Terri and Rose that he plans to kill Diesel and Izzy once Terri knows how to operate the boat.

Terri doesn’t want it to go that far and secretly aligns with Izzy to stop him and asks Rose to talk Ronni down from the threat. She refuses.

Red begins to mess with Ronni’s mind – reveals to him that Ronni is his son, cozies up to Izzy like they were secretly conspiring, plays Terri against Ronni.

Izzy and Diesel conspire to survive all of them.

All on board discover police and coast guard know who they are: and a very bad summer storm is heading their way.

Ronni forces Diesel to take the boat into the storm. It’s foolish and possibly deadly, but there’s no way the Coast Guard will follow.

Ronni believes everyone, except Rose, is scheming to overtake him for the money.

In a loss of sanity, Ronni kills Red on deck.

Rose agrees to help Terri stop Ronni.

Ronni will wait to kill Izzy and Diesel after they get him through this storm.

Rose and Terri attempt to talk Ronni into surrendering his gun. Ronni believes there’s a mutiny afoot with Izzy and Diesel.

He kills Rose and warns Terri to stop conspiring or he’ll kill his wife and child when this is over.

Terri backs out of helping Izzy and Diesel subdue Ronni: they want to kill Ronni, not subdue him.

6 – SECOND TURNING POINT END OF ACT 2:

With everyone on the boat fighting to make it safely through the storm: Terri’s wife learns about the bank robbery via news report — Izzy’s husband learns about the stolen boat via Sate Police — Police suspend any ocean search and ride down to Cape Cod and wait until morning to continue.

Kat texts Terri and tells him she and the baby are leaving him for good.

Angry, Terri throws bales of drugs overboard in the storm. Ronni stabs him with a knife, leaving him for dead.

Izzy sneaks on deck and fires a hidden flare pistol at Ronni. It misses him and starts a fire.

7 – CRISIS:

Ronni goes after Izzy and Diesel in the wheelhouse.

Terri survived Ronni’s assault and Terri rescues Izzy and Diesel from Ronni.

They toss Ronni overboard.

Fire consumes everything, including the wheelhouse.

8- CLIMAX:

The boat explodes.

Terri badly wounded and burned floats to a buoy with Izzy.

They agree on an alibi and to split whatever cash and drugs survived.

At the sound of a rescue helicopter, Izzy forces Terri under water.

He drowns.

9 – RESOLUTION:

Izzy flies to beach where all this started, the only survivor, playing victim.

SECOND LIST WITH IMPROVEMENTS

MAIN CONFLICT: Stepbrothers searching for respect, trust, and financial security in their private lives spills into their decision to kill each other over a million dollars.

1 – OPENING:

A dead body floats ashore with debris from a shipwreck. Police investigate.

DAY BEFORE

Terri and Ronni (stepbrothers in petty crime) and Rose (Ronni’s girlfriend) steal Paul Revere’s headstone for ransom. They hope to hustle some money from the City of Boston on 4^th of July.

It means money for Terri’s young family without working for it: and an escalation in Ronni’s criminal career.

2 – INCITING INCIDENT:

Ronni smashes a classic car owned by Red (local mob boss).

Fitz, Red’s enforcer, beats up Terri and gives him a warning.

(Fitz is a new character introduced into the equation of characters.)

Red threatens to have Ronni disappear. So Ronni and Terri must ransom the headstone to pay him. But the City of Boston refuses to pay – they’ll just replace it. Ronni talks Terri and Rose into robbing a small bank near the waterfront.

Ronni gets to up his criminal career: and Terri gets to hold onto his failing marriage with the windfall of cash.

Izzy, cheating housewife, and Diesel, her boyfriend, take his 40-foot fishing trawler to Boston, miles away from their bankrupt fishing town. They go to lunch.

3 – YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:

Terri and Ronni need to find money real fast before Red kills Ronni and Terri loses his family.

4 – FIRST TURNING POINT END OF ACT 1:

Terri, Ronni, and Rose bungle the bank heist. With police searching for them, they stupidly escape to the waterfront and hide in a large unoccupied fishing boat.

Diesel and Izzy return to their boat. Terri, Ronni, and Rose hide within.

Red and Fitz arrive and discuss their ongoing drug smuggling arrangement with Diesel and Izzy. Terri, Ronni, and Rose learn there’s illegal drugs on board and millions in mob money.

Terri, Ronni, and Izzy overpower Red, Diesel, and Izzy.

Ronni tosses Fitz into the water to drown.

(new element: Fitz left to drown.)

The boat Leaves the harbor.

Ronni orders the boat into a bad storm, to hideout.

Terri befriends Izzy over Ronni’s increased hostility and physical threats to Diesel, Red, and Izzy.

Terri learns how to operate the boat, secretly.

Police investigate the failed bank heist and discover Red on this boat and want to catch him.

Izzy’s husband unable to locate her.

5 – MIDPOINT:

Terri receives a call from his wife. It’s Fitz. He lived. Terri believes he wants Red back, but Fitz tells him to kill Red if he wants his wife and kid to live.

(new element that reflects on the theme of trust and creates dramatic irony that only we and Terri know. Also creates more POV for Terri placing his family in danger with difficult decisions to be made.)

Ronni tells Terri and Rose that he plans to kill Diesel and Izzy once Terri knows how to operate the boat.

Terri doesn’t want it to go that far and secretly aligns with Izzy to stop him and asks Rose to talk Ronni down from the threat. She refuses.

Red begins to mess with Ronni’s mind – reveals to him that Ronni is his son, cozies up to Izzy like they were secretly conspiring, plays Terri against Ronni. Terri begins to think Ronni and Red are conspiring.

Izzy and Diesel conspire to survive all of them.

All on board discover police and coast guard know who they are: and a very bad summer storm is heading their way.

Ronni forces Diesel to take the boat into the storm. It’s foolish and possibly deadly, but there’s no way the Coast Guard will follow.

Ronni believes everyone, except Rose, is scheming to overtake him for the money.

Terri convinces Ronni That it’s Red. In a loss of sanity, Ronni kills Red.

(new element: Terri uses deceit to save his wife and child from Fitz, but Fitz doesn’t know yet)

After the murder, Rose agrees to help Terri stop Ronni.

Ronni will wait to kill Izzy and Diesel after they get him through this storm.

Rose and Terri attempt to talk Ronni into surrendering his gun. Ronni believes there’s a mutiny afoot with Izzy and Diesel.

He kills Rose and warns Terri to stop conspiring or he’ll kill his wife and child when this is over.

Terri backs out of helping Izzy and Diesel subdue Ronni: they want to kill Ronni, not subdue him.

6 – SECOND TURNING POINT END OF ACT 2:

With everyone on the boat fighting to make it safely through the storm: Terri’s wife learns about the bank robbery via news report — Izzy’s husband learns about the stolen boat via Sate Police – and police suspend any ocean search and ride down to Cape Cod and wait until morning to continue.

Kat texts Terri and tells him she and the baby are leaving him for good.

Terri doesn’t tell her about Fitz, instead texts him that Red is dead.

(new element: Terri refuses to tell his wife about Fitz and does the honorable thing, accepting responsibility for the failed marriage. It signifies a dramatic change, and growth, in his arc.)

Angry, Terri throws bales of drugs overboard in the storm. Ronni stabs him with a knife, leaving him for dead.

Izzy sneaks on deck and fires a hidden flare pistol at Ronni. It misses him and starts a fire.

7 – CRISIS:

Ronni goes after Izzy and Diesel in the wheelhouse.

Terri survived Ronni’s assault and Terri rescues Izzy and Diesel from Ronni.

They toss Ronni overboard.

Fire consumes everything, including the wheelhouse.

8- CLIMAX:

The boat explodes.

Terri badly wounded and burned floats to a buoy with Izzy.

They agree on an alibi and to split whatever cash and drugs survived.

At the sound of a rescue helicopter, Izzy forces Terri under water.

He drowns.

9 – RESOLUTION:

Izzy flies to the beach where this story began, the only survivor. She plays victim to the police who are after Red. They never discover if he’s one of the dead bodies that washed ashore.

[Susan Silver]

Susan’s concept and basic structure!

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that breaking down the script into these components makes it much easier to think about as a whole.

Triplicity logline: Barely surviving a brutal wildfire that consumes her life’s dream, a semi-conscious veterinarian must overthrow the emotional yoke of three men’s wounded psyches to save herself from their wreckage.

Main Conflict: Kari is enmeshed in an abusive relationship and must realize various patterns before she is able to save herself from it.

1. Opening: Andy saves Kari from a raging wildfire and brings her to the hospital, where she is intubated and loses consciousness. Over Kari’s body, Andy confronts Kari’s husband for abandoning her to die in the fire.

2. Inciting Incident: Jack charms his way into Kari’s life by feeding his dog aloe (which makes dogs vomit) so he has an excuse to make an appointment at her veterinarian’s office.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Kari must untangle herself from dangerous web three men have spun to entrap her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Kari breaks up with current boyfriend and focuses on the whirlwind romance with Jack, a seeming Prince Charming. Also meets a second love interest: JJ, a man who tugs at Kari’s heartstrings with his vulnerability (the men represent the three stages of the Cycle of Abuse).

5. Mid-Point: After a series of romantic escapades, Jack proposes way too soon (along with other red flags), and a spooked Kari turns back to her safe previous boyfriend, John.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: John, after a series of immoral acts unbeknownst to Kari, wins her back. For example, he gets land for her dream of running an animal sanctuary by immorally obtaining guardianship from his grandmother and committing her to a retirement home and stages a burglary to chase his sister and her son from the property.

7. Crisis: Kari discovers all the immoral things John had done to win her back. She learns how he got the house and that the engagement ring he gave her was stolen from his sister during the fake break-in. Jack and JJ arrive back on the scene, confusing her further. JJ has a car accident, which demands her immediate attention.

8. Climax: After escalating emotional abuse, she slowly makes the decision to shut all three men out of her life. But she is too late, and John leaves her stranded to die in the wildfire after a massive fight.

9. Resolution: Kari recovers from her hospital stay with the strength to leave them all, but with compassion and self-love: surprise ending.

I selected the Inciting Incident to elevate. The main purpose is to show how charming Jack can be while hiding his deviousness from Kari. At this point he must succeed in making her fall so deeply in love with him that he’s all she can think about. The change better reflects how even his “good deeds” are self-serving and deceitful.

Main Conflict: Kari is enmeshed in an abusive relationship and must realize various patterns before she is able to save herself from it.

1. Opening: Andy saves Kari from a raging wildfire and brings her to the hospital, where she is intubated and loses consciousness. Over Kari’s body, Andy confronts Kari’s husband for abandoning her to die in the fire.

2. Inciting Incident: Jack charms his way into Kari’s life taking his girlfriend’s bedraggled poodle, giving it a haircut to disguise it as a new dog (so his girlfriend will think he did her a favor and Kari, the vet, will think he has a well-groomed, well-cared-for dog). He then performs a magic trick using the dog to woo Kari.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Kari must untangle herself from dangerous web three men have spun to entrap her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Kari breaks up with current boyfriend and focuses on the whirlwind romance with Jack, a seeming Prince Charming. Also meets a second love interest: JJ, a man who tugs at Kari’s heartstrings with his vulnerability (the men represent the three stages of the Cycle of Abuse).

5. Mid-Point: After a series of romantic escapades, Jack proposes way too soon (along with other red flags), and a spooked Kari turns back to her safe previous boyfriend, John.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: John, after a series of immoral acts unbeknownst to Kari, wins her back. For example, he gets land for her dream of running an animal sanctuary by immorally obtaining guardianship from his grandmother and committing her to a retirement home and stages a burglary to chase his sister and her son from the property.

7. Crisis: Kari discovers all the immoral things John had done to win her back. She learns how he got the house and that the engagement ring he gave her was stolen from his sister during the fake break-in. Jack and JJ arrive back on the scene, confusing her further. JJ has a car accident, which demands her immediate attention.

8. Climax: After escalating emotional abuse, she slowly makes the decision to shut all three men out of her life. But she is too late, and John leaves her stranded to die in the wildfire after a massive fight.

9. Resolution: Kari recovers from her hospital
stay with the strength to leave them all, but with compassion and self-love:
surprise ending.

[Diana Collins]

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is: I found ways to clarify the structure, while working along side the outline and script, I found some adjustments necessary.

Diana’s Basic Structure Version 1, edited several times to resulting

1. LogLine UPDATE – V3:

The heir to a Big Game
Hunting empire falls hard for a wildlife conservationist, forcing him into a
life-changing altercation with his sadistic father. With plans to convert a
Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate
completely derailed, he must now choose between his new love and his family
legacy.

2. 9-part structure:

Main Conflict:

1. Opening: Scene 1- 3 / Page 1-2

Dakari ‘Kai’ Richards (30yrs) expertly tracks an adult male lion through the bush. Through quick flashbacks we see; young Kai (10yrs.), followed by his Maasai teachers, learning to track, then trough the tall grass into a clearing, the proud lion waits for Kai as he emerges from the bush. Flashback; we see young Kai and a young male lion staring at each other through the tall weeds. Kai and the thundering lion face off, blond-brown manes flying, eyes piecing, their history apparent.

2. Inciting Incident: Scene 4-5 / Page 2.5 – 3

As Maasai protect the Lion pride, Kai and the male lion face respectfully start their retreat. From a distance rifle shots ring out; the majestic lion falls dead in his tracks, Kai’s sadistic father Martin Richards the big game assassin.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Scene 4 – 13 / Page 10

Kai and Martin are at extreme odds, Kai decides to leave Africa in hopes of starting a new life with his best mate and childhood ‘brother’ Adam Jackson. They plan to convert a failing Wildlife Sanctuary into a modern-day Naturalistic Bow-Hunting Lodge.

4. 1^st turning point; end of Act 1: Scene 33 – 35/ Page 33

Things start to fall apart as Kai sees the depth of Adam’s addiction, and deception. Kai becomes more enthralled with Tara and starts to question the rationality of the plans he made with Adam. Martin contacts Adam and bribes him into helping him gain control.

5. Mid-Point / Turning Point: Scene 36-39/ Page 55-62

Adam and Kai are at serious odds, arguing, combative. Kai tracks Tara into the park’s Outback. They face off and conflict / tension rises, and resolution / compromise begins.

6. 2^ndturning point; end of Act 2: Scene 40/ Page 62

Kai and Adam come to blows over changes in plans, Kai’s concern over Adam’s deteriorating mental state grows intensely, as his relationship with Tara intensifies. Overwhelmed and furious, Adam contacts Martin for backing, betrays Kai.

*I added Adam contacting Martin as the elevation, which then intensified the following Crisis and Climax.

7. Crisis: Scene / Page 68.5 – *MAIN conflict starts

Adam has a complete breakdown, and Kai discovers he’s been in touch with Martin. Two South African officers, having followed Martin to Australia, fill Kai in on his recent moves. Martin and his thugs show up at the park, confront Kai and attempt to take over the conversion into a Big-Game Hunting Lodge, starting with the animals on property.

8. Climax: Scene 62/ Page 86.5 – 88.5

Tara protects her big cats from Martin’s rifle, Kai springs to her defense, Martin admits to killing Kai’s mother the same way, Kai attacks Martin and is injured. A stand-off between the SA Police, Australian Sheriff, and Martin’s men results as Martin attempts to finish Kai off. Adam redeems himself rushing to Kai’s protection and as he and Martin struggle over the gun he is shot. Martin bounds to Kai to finish him as shots ring out over Kai’s shoulder – Deputy Inspector General Bahari arrives just in time – the blasts dead centered on Martin’s chest.

9. Resolution: Scene 64-65/ Page 88-91

Deputy Inspector General Bahari takes over the case, Adam’s in recovery after hours of surgery to save his life. Kai and Tara and united and plan to stay that way. The park is safe, as Martin’s thugs are taken into custody. Kai and Tara return to their outback campsite, bodies entwined sensually kissing, morph scene to a lion and Lioness lunge playfully attack on the plain at the water’s edge, under the setting sun.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins. Reason: V3 LogLine
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Gregory Kiernan]

Gregory’s Concept and Basic Structure, version 1

What I learned from doing this assignment is that there are a number of ways I can setup my story and a number of ways it could play out, and now is the time to think about big picture ideas and what they might look at screen.

1) OPENING: Wedding day for Connor and Mallory. Connor makes a vow to always protect his new bride no matter what.

Alternate opening ideas:

– Connor as a child protects a girl who did something terrible and gets a kiss on the cheek from her because of it

-Mallory as a child beating up on a boy

– Connor as a child having his mother taken away. It’s clear his mother is an unsavory character but he sees her as angel

– Connor as a child playing cops and robbers. He should “arrest” the girl robber but he likes her so decides against it

-Both Connor and Mallory are new arrivals in the big city. Mallory is horrified with people’s behavior but Connor is resolved to do well at his new job

2) INCITING INCIDENT: Mallory discovers affair of Shannon

Alternate inciting incidents:

– Mallory and Connor meets an unsavory neighbor man and a nosy neighbor, Shannon

– Connor arrives for his new job as police detective to discover the previous detective has decided not to retire after all, leaving Connor essentially unemployed in a new city

3) PAGE 10: Mallory is playing detective like her new husband

Alternate ideas:

– Connor resolves to compete against the older detective in the effort to support his family

4) ACT 1 BREAK: Mallory kills UPS guy

Alternate ideas:

– Mallory kills unsavory neighbor man in self-defense

5) MIDPOINT: Connor discovers what his wife has done and is devastated

Alternate ideas:

– Connor has known his wife tends to kill all along! But he’s still concerned because she said should would stop

6) ACT 2 BREAK: Connor defends Mallory, killing a man in the process

Alternate ideas:

– Connor and Mallory hatch a plan to frame the murder on their nosy neighbor, Shannon. Connor has Mallory swear she won’t kill anymore

7) CRISIS: Connor’s partner Weston finds out

Alternate ideas:

– Connor’s rival Weston has a lead that Mallory may have done the deed, but at this point everyone at the station has met Mallory and refuse to believe the theory

8) CLIMAX: Weston finds the evidence he needs and has them both arrested

Alternate ideas:

– Connor and Mallory find a way to kill everybody

9) RESOLUTION: Connor and Mallory escape from jail and are on the lam

[Althea McPhail]

Assignment 2

Althea’s Concept and Basic Story Structure

I learned that a good way to bust cliche’ is to take a step back, look at each scene one at a time and brain storm the possibilities.

title: GOOD SOIL

Genre: Fantasy/Faith-based

Longline:

Missing her deceased mother, desperate to grow up and insure her nemesis’ mother is not her father’s love interest, a plant-loving middle schooler secretly plays matchmaker for her widowed father.

Main Conflict: Middle schooler daughter thinks her father won’t let her grow up. Also she is afraid nemesis’ mother may be father’s love interest.

Opening:

Adira, a young wealthy app developer with her father’s complete support is at a restaurant celebrating her latest project The One dating app. She is with Marcus, boyfriend of 6 months, who is only with Adira because he believes it will get him access to her father. Marcus reminds Adira of all the other projects she’s been excited about and tells her anyone who is with her is only there because of her father. Adira breaks up with him. In her haste to leave the restaurant, Adira stumbles into Robert, Neurosurgeon and best selling author at his book signing in the same hotel.

SIX MONTHE LATER

Inciting Incident:

After Roberta(Bobbie) gives a Sunday School presentation about soil as an object lesson to the middle and high school youth group class, she overhears her nemesis, Monaglenn commenting on her personal style and lack of wearing make-up. This prompts Bobbie to try using make-up, a practice that had been previously prohibited by her father. Bobbie forgets to remove the make up and her father over reacts by yelling. Bobbie retreats to the plant room where she feels closest to her mother, Evie, 2 years deceased. Her father’s reaction is further proof to Bobbie that her father only see her as a little girl. As she cries, a tear falls into the soil of a potted sunflower, (Al) bringing him to life.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Bobbie’s solution is to find a mate for her father so he will focus on someone else. Bobbie sees a commercial for The One dating app and decides to secretly play match maker for her father.

1st turning point:

Both Al and Dee, best friend, tell Bobbie that creating a dating profile for her father is not wise but Bobbie does it anyway. The first date is at a Japanese steak house and Bobbie goes along under the ruse of an apology dinner for her father’s outburst. Adira is also there to observe the date because she believes that Robert’s date has lied on her profile. Adira overhears Bobbie talking with Dee about her father’s profile that she created without his knowledge. Adira confronts Bobbie and insists that she make her father aware. Bobbie says she will but doesn’t.

Midpoint:

Bobbie’s God mother has also been setting up dates for Robert. One of the potential contenders is Monaglenn’s mother. Bobbie is desperate to keep them apart.

Bobbie continues to schedule dates for her father at his book signing events, through the app. These dates go as well as can be expected when one person doesn’t know they are on a date.

Bobbie gets the attention of Kendrick, high schooler who is in her Sunday school class and is having a house party the same evening as a big local reading and book signing for her father.

Bobbie, who knows Tae Kwon Do, has a brief physical encounter at youth group with DeVonte’ who is a bully. Bobbie is on punishment for fighting at church and does not have permission to go to Kendrick’s party. Bobbie invites all of the previous app dates to the book signing.

2nd turning point:

In spite of warnings from Al and Dee, defying her father, Bobbie goes to Kendrick’s party.

Kendrick and Bobbie connect, dance and share a kiss.

Bobbie sees Monaglenn who is drunk and with DeVonte’.

Bobbie rescues Monaglenn from Devonte’ and calls her father’s assistant to pick them up and take Monaglenn home.

Bobbie goes to Robert’s book signing.

Crisis:

There is a fight between the app dates at the book signing that sometimes involves by standers as they try to break up the fight.

Climax:

Bobbie makes public apology from the stage admitting to everyone that she was the one who had been inviting them on dates. She is interrupted by emergency calls to Robert and Adira from the hospital.

Adira’s father has been admitted to the hospital.

Adira’s father has had a stroke but will be okay. He encourages Adira to consider Robert as potential mate.

Resolution:

Al dies.

Bobbie apologizes to Robert and tells him about Al and learns that her mother could hear plants talk too.

Monaglenn apologizes. Bobbie sits with Kendrick at church. DeVonte’ gets counseling at church.

Adira and Robert sit together in church.

Bobbie, Kendrick, Adira and Robert go on picnic. Evie and fully restored Al watch over them.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Althea McPhail.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Althea McPhail.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Althea McPhail.

[Judith Watson]

Hi Althea, I wrote you and wanted to know if you want to partner up. Please let me know. My email is cinemaself1@aol.com and my phone number is 714-336-0884. best, Judith

[Deleted User]

Karen’s Basic Structure version one

I’m resubmitting this. I tried to follow the third act structure taking into consideration what each part demanded. This was a break-through. I learned the script needs paring down to fill the requirements. Flab needs to go. I wonder how that affects page count? Lots to appreciate. Thanks.

The opening: FOR THE LOVE OF PERCY, First 1-4 pages. The setup.

THE LOGLINE: #1. LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to outer space.

EXT. SPACE – DAY

OPENING LINE: Inside the vast corridors, and hurling debris of space blaze secrets too deep to fathom; of such, includes satellites, moons and earth-like planets, like Planet Freome–Planet of the Dragons, which intersects with the Bermuda Triangle.

INCITING INCIDENT: (First ten pages. Sets things in motion. Huge, dynamic change in protag’s life. Upset balance of forces:)

The kingdom of dragons involves a Rambo type battlefield/arena, to establish rank. Eventually, the kingdom’s invaded. The king and queen are murdered. The royal dragon, Nurse Phoebe, nurse to the infant twins, hides Prince Percy inside a cumulous cloud. Princess Zenith is taken.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

TURNING POINT:(A twist, a change of life. An enlightenment)

The prince falls into a portal to earth. A school boy, Dusty saves him from predators. Percy in turn, saves Dusty from bullies, and grows up with him. Dusty graduates, marries and goes into the Army to Afghanistan.

MIDPOINT: (The protagonist is forced to react from the biggest blow yet delivered by the antagonist. (In Die Hard, McClane throws a dead guy out the window and shoots up a police car.)

Dusty doesn’t know Percy, (who’s capable of turning invisible and healing wounds,) is fighting the war with him. Percy jumps in front of Dusty and ferociously battles visibly and in-visibly for his only friend. 2^nd

TURNING POINT: All is lost. Dusty returns to his family. Percy goes to space to find roots. Unknowingly, finds his home planet.

Nurse Phoebe, recognizes him as the spitting image of his father. Princess Zenith has her debut, and picks Percy. The wicked king who murdered Percy’s family, denounces him. Percy’s ousted. Time passes.

CRISIS: True dilemma. Nothing works.

Percy returns to Dusty’s cabin and finds him mourning his wife. Dusty doesn’t remember Percy. They reunite. His bratty, narcissistic, grown children have deserted him after he goes bankrupt helping them. Friction sparks between Percy who’s used to taking whatever he wants, including a new car, which sends Dusty to jail. Percy breaks him out.

CRISIS:

Nurse Phobe returns with the princess. The nurse tells the prince and princess the truth about them being siblings. They can never be together. She reports,The wicked king and queen have died in a volcano; They want Percy to return and take his rightful place as king.

CLIMAX:

As they leave, the cops close in. Percy and Dusty escape as the cabin burns. Together, with the nurse, Princess Zenith, Dusty and Percy leave for space. As the portal closes, they get stuck in a gravitational storm. They barely make it to Planet Freome.

RESOLUTION:

Inside Planet Freome, Percy is crowned king. Dusty is in awe during the coronation when a door opens and Percy escorts his wife toward him. They are both young again. Overhead, inside the Bermuda Triangle, a plane drones. Aboard it, waits Dusty’s rebellious kids, now ironically lifelong citizens of the Planet of Freome.

[Diana Collins]

Hello – emailed ‘blue note’ copy. See bold / bullet below.

The opening: FOR THE LOVE OF PERCY, First 1-4 pages. The setup.

THE LOGLINE: #1. LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to outer space.

EXT. SPACE – DAY

OPENING LINE: Inside the vast corridors, and hurling debris of space blaze secrets too deep to fathom; of such, includes satellites, moons and earth-like planets, like Planet Freome–Planet of the Dragons, which intersects with the Bermuda Triangle.

• Love this!

INCITING INCIDENT: (First ten pages. Sets things in motion. Huge, dynamic change in protag’s life. Upset balance of forces:)

The kingdom of dragons involves a Rambo type battlefield/arena, to establish rank. Eventually, the kingdom’s invaded. The king and queen are murdered. The royal dragon, Nurse Phoebe, nurse to the infant twins, hides Prince Percy inside a cumulous cloud. Princess Zenith is taken.

Oh this is great – very clear.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

TURNING POINT:(A twist, a change of life. An enlightenment)

The prince falls into a portal to earth. A school boy, Dusty saves him from predators. Percy in turn, saves Dusty from bullies, and grows up with him. Dusty graduates, marries and goes into the Army to Afghanistan.

• How about “The Dragon Prince falls…” rest looks good.

MIDPOINT: (The protagonist is forced to react from the biggest blow yet delivered by the antagonist. (In Die Hard, McClane throws a dead guy out the window and shoots up a police car.)

Dusty doesn’t know Percy, (who’s capable of turning invisible and healing wounds,) is fighting the war with him. Percy jumps in front of Dusty and ferociously battles visibly and in-visibly for his only friend. 2^nd

• What about (who’s magical powers cloak him in invisibility and heal battle wounds)

TURNING POINT: All is lost. Dusty returns to his family. Percy goes to space to find roots. Unknowingly, finds his home planet.

• Good!

Nurse Phoebe, recognizes him as the spitting image of his father. Princess Zenith has her debut, and picks Percy. The wicked king who murdered Percy’s family, denounces him. Percy’s ousted. Time passes.

CRISIS: True dilemma. Nothing works.

Percy returns to Dusty’s cabin and finds him mourning his wife. Dusty doesn’t remember Percy. They reunite. His bratty, narcissistic, grown children have deserted him after <s>he goes</s> he’s gone bankrupt helping them. Friction sparks between Percy who’s used to taking whatever he wants, including a new car, which sends Dusty to jail. Percy breaks him out.

CRISIS:

Nurse Phobe returns with the princess. The nurse tells the prince and princess the truth about them being siblings. They can never be together. She reports,(space needed) The wicked king and queen have died in a volcano; They want Percy to return and take his rightful place as king

• This is good because we see him rejoin his family and be welcomed back to his kind. It gives him a place / reason to “go home”

CLIMAX:

As they leave, the cops close in. Percy and Dusty escape as the cabin burns. Together, with the nurse, Princess Zenith, Dusty and Percy leave for space. As the portal closes, they get stuck in a gravitational storm. They barely make it to Planet Freome.

• Good bit of last minute action, and we see our favorite characters all together and on their way through their last challenge.

RESOLUTION:

Inside Planet Freome, Percy is crowned king. Dusty is in awe during the coronation when a door opens and Percy escorts his wife toward him. They are both young again. Overhead, inside the Bermuda Triangle, a plane drones. Aboard it, awaits Dusty’s rebellious kids, now ironically lifelong citizens of the Planet of Freome.

• ABSOLUTELY LOVE this ending. Great story, loads of room for buddy moments, great visuals and fun. Perfect Sunday family movie. GOOD JOB!

[Ann Goldman]

Rewrite Assignment #2

Ann L. Goldman: MEMOIR

Basic Structure Version 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment isthere are many ways to describe the story but deciding which part of the structure is essential to move the story forward is tricky. I needed time to meditate on how to clarify and define what is most important in what I’m trying to say in defining the 9 parts and identifying the themes. It is hard to know how to present each part so it will appeal to the reader.

1. Logline:

Renowned visual artist Rebekah Dari returns home to LA to premiere a documentary film about Muslim, Christian and Jewish musicians creating peace among Israeli neighbors, but when a journalist offers her a book deal, she must decide whether to expose her own reclusive life in a memoir to promote the film she passionately believes in, amidst the objections of her mother, a former lover, and an industrial magnate.

Genre: Political-religious romantic comedy

2. Structure of Main Conflict:

1. Opening

Warmly embraced by her mother and niece, internationally renowned portrait painter Rebekah Dari returns home after two years in Israel to discover another conflict is erupting between Gaza and Israel. She is accompanied by visiting professor Alex Kogan to celebrate the opening of The New Center for Middle Eastern Studies and the world premier of the documentary Cousins in Concert, which she helped produce.

2. Inciting Incident

When the journalist Jonathan Krupnik arrives at her door to make a book deal for her memoir, she rejects the offer and tries to convince him to promote the Cousins film instead. Jonathan tries to leverage his offer with knowledge that she is broke and needs the money, Rebekah is appalled that he hacked into her personal accounts and kicks him out.

3. By page 10, we know what the movie is about

Rebekah Dari has built a career painting portraits of the richest and most powerful people in the world, always shunning publicity. Two years ago, she vanished from sight to work on a project with Muslim, Christian and Jewish musicians playing music with Israeli neighbors, creating peace. She has returned home with a documentary of this project and the passionate belief that it can be a model for world peace. Jonathan Krupnik believes the world would be eager to hear about her life and mysterious journey and has come to offer her a book deal for her memoir.

4. First turning point at end of Act I

Later at dinner and discussion, Alex supports the idea of the memoir. Her mother is adamantly opposed and Rebekah finds herself exploring memories and history that might be worthy of writing about. When Raina Gordon calls, to schedule Rebekah and Alex for a national NPR interview to publicize The Center and premiere of Cousins in Concert, Rebekah doesn’t hesitate to say yes.

5. Mid-point

The NPR interview triggers an encounter with Charles Tallmadge, Rebekah’s first love and prospective son-in-law of Edgar Pepsing, the benefactor of The Center. Charles surprises Rebekah with a visit at her home and engages her to paint his portrait for his Senatorial campaign. As he leaves, Jonathan arrives after hearing Rebekah and Alex on the radio.

6. Second turning point at end of Act II

The NPR radio interview has convinced Jonathan to support Rebekah’s project and in turn, he convinces Rebekah that her memoir would really help promote the ideas in the film. Rebekah agrees to write a memoir if she can do it on her own. Jonathan agrees to be the editor.

7. Crisis

Charles goes to Rebekah’s to sit for his portrait and discovers she is writing about their first love in her memoir. He begs her not to, terrified it will ruin his Senatorial campaign, but she is not deterred. When left alone with Jonathan, Charles threatens that Edgar Pepsing will have Jonathan fired if he publishes Rebekah’s book. Rebekah overhears and tells Charles to leave.

8. Climax

A few minutes later, Jonathan gets a phone call to meet with his boss the next morning regarding Edgar Pepsing’s request to fire him. For the first time, Jonathan reveals his past to Rebekah, his deep appreciation for her work and his commitment to publishing her book. Their appreciation is mutual. At last they share their deep feelings for one another.

9. Resolution

The next morning at Rebekah’s, Judith greets Charles and Edgar with nut horns and coffee and tries to change their minds about the book. Edgar and Judith have an immediate attraction even though they’re on opposite sides of the political and religious spectrum. Rebekah returns to see her ploy has worked better than expected. Then, Callie arrives with some dazzling revelations. She is Charles fiancée and Edgar’s daughter. Jonathan arrives as Callie and Rebekah are having a private conversation, after which Callie announces to everyone’s surprise that she is pregnant, that instead of Charles, her dad should run for Senate and he should publish Rebekah’s book. In a complete reversal of expectations, three happy couples agree and the story ends in joyful celebration.

3. MY ELEMENT TO ELEVATE: 4. First turning point at end of Act I

Later at dinner and discussion, Alex supports the idea of the memoir. Her mother is adamantly opposed and Rebekah finds herself exploring memories and history that might be worthy of writing about. When Raina Gordon calls, to schedule Rebekah and Alex for a national NPR interview to publicize The Center and premiere of Cousins in Concert, Rebekah doesn’t hesitate to say yes.

4. The main purpose of the First turning point at end of Act I is to recount the history of Israel/Palestine from ancient to modern times, providing context for the current conflict and the importance of Rebekah’s dedication to promoting Cousins in Concert, which inadvertently gives purpose for her memoir.

List of Possible Ways to Elevate Scene:

a. 1-Jonathan follows Rebekah to her mothers to try to convince her family se should do the book

b. 2-Jonathan calls the mediate and floats the rumor that Rebekah is going to do a memoir on the coattails of the film

c. 3-Jonathan contacts Raina Gordon, the media relations person at The Center to try to get her to pressure/commission Rebekah for a memoir to help The new Center

d. 4-Alex actively encourages Rebekah to write the memoir and gets into a heated argument with her mother who objects to the whole idea.

e.<font face=”Times New Roman”> 5.-</font>Alex offers to co-author Rebekah’s memoir.

f. 6-Alex brainstorms ideas for the memoir with Rebekah and in the process the history of the current conflict is clarified

SECOND LIST OF MAIN CONFLICT AND STRUCTURE – which is identical except for ELEVATING the First turning point at end of Act I

1. Opening

Warmly embraced by her mother and niece, internationally renowned portrait painter Rebekah Dari returns home after two years in Israel to discover another conflict is erupting between Gaza and Israel. She is accompanied by visiting professor Alex Kogan to celebrate the opening of The New Center for Middle Eastern Studies and the world premier of the documentary Cousins in Concert, which she helped produce.

2. Inciting Incident

When the journalist Jonathan Krupnik arrives at her door to make a book deal for her memoir, she rejects the offer and tries to convince him to promote the Cousins film instead. Jonathan tries to leverage his offer with knowledge that she is broke and needs the money, Rebekah is appalled that he hacked into her personal accounts and kicks him out.

3. By page 10, we know what the movie is about

Rebekah Dari has built a career painting portraits of the richest and most powerful people in the world, always shunning publicity. Two years ago, she vanished from sight to work on a project with Muslim, Christian and Jewish musicians playing music with Israeli neighbors, creating peace. She has returned home with a documentary of this project and the passionate belief that it can be a model for world peace. Jonathan Krupnik believes the world would be eager to hear about her life and mysterious journey and has come to offer her a book deal for her memoir.

4. First turning point at end of Act I

At dinner, when Abby reveals Rebekah’s book deal to her grandmother and Alex, the two get into a heated argument of the value of the book and what it’s content might be, thereby actually convincing Rebekah to do it.

5. Mid-point

The NPR interview triggers an encounter with Charles Tallmadge, Rebekah’s first love and prospective son-in-law of Edgar Pepsing, the benefactor of The Center. Charles surprises Rebekah with a visit at her home and engages her to paint his portrait for his Senatorial campaign. As he leaves, Jonathan arrives after hearing Rebekah and Alex on the radio.

6. Second turning point at end of Act II

The NPR radio interview has convinced Jonathan to support Rebekah’s project and in turn, he convinces Rebekah that her memoir would really help promote the ideas in the film. Rebekah agrees to write a memoir if she can do it on her own. Jonathan agrees to be the editor.

7. Crisis

Charles goes to Rebekah’s to sit for his portrait and discovers she is writing about their first love in her memoir. He begs her not to, terrified it will ruin his Senatorial campaign, but she is not deterred. When left alone with Jonathan, Charles threatens that Edgar Pepsing will have Jonathan fired if he publishes Rebekah’s book. Rebekah overhears and tells Charles to leave.

8. Climax

A few minutes later, Jonathan gets a phone call to meet with his boss the next morning regarding Edgar Pepsing’s request to fire him. For the first time, Jonathan reveals his past to Rebekah, his deep appreciation for her work and his commitment to publishing her book. Their appreciation is mutual. At last they share their deep feelings for one another.

9. Resolution

The next morning at Rebekah’s, Judith greets Charles and Edgar with nut horns and coffee and tries to change their minds about the book. Edgar and Judith have an immediate attraction even though they’re on opposite sides of the political and religious spectrum. Rebekah returns to see her ploy has worked better than expected. Then, Callie arrives with some dazzling revelations. She is Charles fiancée and Edgar’s daughter. Jonathan arrives as Callie and Rebekah are having a private conversation, after which Callie announces to everyone’s surprise that she is pregnant, that instead of Charles, her dad should run for Senate and he should publish Rebekah’s book. In a complete reversal of expectations, three happy couples agree and the story ends in joyful celebration.

[Deleted User]

Hi Diana, I enjoyed your script. It becomes clearer and more entertaining with each re-write. Thank you for letting me read this. I hope my critiques help. Thank you for being my critique partner. On Sun, May 22, 2022 at 5:28 PM Karen Crider <criderthewriter@gmail.com> wrote:

#1. Main conflict; I like this more than the other, as it’s imagistic. It has a more intimate perspective on this character. It’s clear, definitive. Love it. There is a protocol to writing flashbacks. Are you aware of it?

#2. Inciting Incident: Sets the tone for the evil Richard’s and allows us to know him through his actions–good subtext. By page 10 we know what the movie is about. I love how you have signature the scenes and page numbers to maintain your structure. Excellent.

#3. By page10, we know what the script is all about. Gives rundown and motivation to the scenes. Very good.

#4. 1st Turning Point: Love the transition. Martin bribes people to get what he wants. Shows another side of him. More Subtext.

#5. Middle point: Good conflict./goal/ motivation. Keeps the ball rolling so to speak, and the interest peaked.

#6. 2nd turning point: Great plot planning. You have put time into this and it’s obvious. Aids the flow, plot and reasoning behind it.

#7. Crisis: Strong conflict. It reminds me of that game, Jenga, where you place sticks inside a structure, and if you take one out, it collapses. Yours doesn’t. One action supports/ motivates the other.

#8.Climax: I would have some mention of his killing his wife earlier in the script, some kind of foreshadowing so it isn’t so abrupt. Perhaps, trimming a loose end. Otherwise well plotted.

#9.Resolution: I like the metaphor at the end. The sunset adds to the closure of the script. The scenes would be a nice touch, a needed breath from all the action. Keep at it. Looking good!

You had some minor stuff I thought I would mention like on the climax: Tara protects her big cats from Martin’s rifle, PERIOD.

Climax: Adam redeems himself rushing to Kai’s protection COMMA (and) OMIT AND as (he) OMIT HE (and) OMIT AND Martin AND KAI struggle over the gun COMMA (KAI’S) shot.

Your editing mixes well on the page on my script. Someday, I may improve on computers, and be better at computer editing. A nice goal. lol.

Excellent writing. Good plot. Good progression. Clear, Wonderful imagery, feels like I am there. Guess we’re ahead for once. lol Karen Crider

[Leo Sopicki]

Leo’s Concept and Basic Structure

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that I need to go deeper into the mysticism and relationships and corruption among some of the characters.

ORIGINAL VERSION

Logline: DEAD SOLDIERS

Genre: Horror

Acadia, an Army widow who runs a music school in New Orleans, has her school and students threatened by Fabien, a twisted vampire king. Though an unbeliever, in desperation, she lets a Voodoo Queen raise her husband from the dead. Together they lead a zombie army against the vampires to try and save her students.

Main Conflict: The vampire Fabien wants control of the music school run by Acadia, so he can unleash demons from the portal beneath it and take revenge on New Orleans. He kidnaps Acadia’s students and threatens to kill them.

1. Opening:

Acadia at her soldier husband’s funeral, grieves and remembers.

2. Inciting Incident:

Her music school is vandalized and marked with mystical symbols.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Fabien wants something from Acadia and is using her students against her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Acadia overcomes self-pity and decides to fight Fabien.

5. Mid-Point: Her efforts to reveal Fabien’s misdeeds and plots with the help of the police fail when the detective that has been helping her is killed. She decides to turn to the supernatural for help.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

The zombie army she has raised fails in its attempts to defeat Fabien.

7. Crisis:

Fabien has taken Acadia’s students captive and will kill them if she does not give him what he wants.

8. Climax:

Acadia defeats Fabien and saves her students by sacrificing herself.

9. Resolution:

Acadia and her husband are reunited in the afterlife.

ELEVATED VERSION

Logline: DEAD SOLDIERS

Genre: Horror

Acadia, an Army widow who runs a music school in New Orleans, has her school and students threatened by Fabien, a twisted vampire king. Though an unbeliever, in desperation, she lets a Voodoo Queen raise her husband from the dead. Acadia and her husband lead a zombie army against the vampires to try to save her students.

Main Conflict: The vampire Fabien blames a web of depravity in New Orleans for his unhappiness. He wants control of the music school run by Acadia, so he can unleash demons from the portal beneath it and take revenge on the city. Acadia fights back, but then Fabien kidnaps Acadia’s students and threatens to kill them.

1. Opening:

Acadia at her soldier husband’s funeral, grieves and remembers, while being oblivious to supernatural events happening around her.

2. Inciting Incident:

Her music school is vandalized, the janitor is killed, and mystical symbols appear.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Fabien wants control of Acadia’s school and is using her students against her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Acadia sees her students being harmed and promises them she will stop this evil man who is afflicting them.

5. Mid-Point: Her efforts to reveal Fabien’s misdeeds and plots with the help of the police fail. The detective helping her gets close to exposing the web of corruption around her school and he is killed. She decides to turn to the supernatural for help.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

The zombie army she has raised fights among itself and fails in its attempts to defeat Fabien.

7. Crisis:

Fabien has taken Acadia’s students captive and will kill them if she does not give him what he wants.

8. Climax:

Acadia defeats Fabien and saves her students by sacrificing herself.

9. Resolution:

Acadia and her husband are reunited in the afterlife.

[David Mailman]

“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?” It is very difficult to reimagine a script once it is in format. It gets written in stone very quickly. Also, finding structural items is hard to pinpoint. I find, in my script, external and internal events could be the same structural point but be on different pages.

David’s Basic Structure Version 1.

Tell us your logline.

A bullied, eighteen-year-old, must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be murdered by a Cult of religious psychopaths descended from the Spanish Inquisition.

Present your current story, showing each part of the 9-part structure.
Main Conflict:

1. Opening: pg. 1. Usually, it last 1 to 4 pages and should be as interesting as possible.
The year is 1789. The Gold Room of the Spanish Inquisition in Mexico where slaughtered Aztec gold is melted for shipment to Spain. The Inquisitors are portrayed as malicious, murderous persecutors. A setup involving a golden sword is presented.

The Santa Elena is wrecked in the Gulf of Mexico while carrying the gold to Spain.

The present. The Protagonist, eighteen-year-old Paul is introduced. His father died heroically. He is withdrawn.

Paul meets Sandy. She is Black, beginning an inter-racial love story in a small Louisiana city.

The bully that tormented Paul for years is introduced. His Nemesis.

2. Inciting Incident: pg. 12. The Inciting Incident is the event in the first 10 pages that sets the movie in motion.

Eighteen-year-old Paul is told by his uncle Jack that a Cult of religious psychopaths is after him and his family. A treasure is hinted at. Lenny, a marine engineer, is introduced.

Paul’s greatest fear is spiders.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: pg. 14. The Antagonist is the Grand Inquisitor, the leader of a fanatic Cult descended from the Spanish Inquisition. Their Cause is to restore the Spanish Inquisition. They need the Sant Elena’s treasure to do it.

Paul learns the origin of the treasure map and his family’s blood feud with the Cult.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: pg. 22. But we need to be out of confusion and have a general understanding of the story.

Paul doubts the whole story. He is beaten by members of the Cult who demand the map. Paul now believes the story.

Paul thinks he figured out the map’s secret.

Jason, a marine archeologist, is introduced.

Paul acts bravely to sabotage the Cult’s boat.

Paul and his crew look for the wreck but find nothing.

Paul’s crew breaks up, angry at him.

Paul is framed for a break-in at school and is expelled.

Paul breaks up with his girlfriend, Sandy.

5. Mid-Point: pg. 47. At the middle of the movie, usually there is some kind of major change.

Uncle Jack is kidnapped forcing Paul to instigate his rescue.

Paul’s crew rescues uncle Jack.

Paul’s family is ready to give up.

Paul’s crew decides on one final search.

Paul dreams he is stabbed by the Grand Inquisitor.

Paul realizes the real secret of the map.

Jason joins the crew.

The Cult tracks Paul’s boat.

Paul’s crew sets out after the treasure again.

An attempt to kidnap Sandy fails.

Paul’s mother is kidnapped. Sandy rescues her.

Paul’s crew starts the search and diving for the Santa Elena.

They dive for days but find nothing.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: pg. 70. Usually, this is the point where the protagonists plan has completely failed and it looks like there is little hope.
The Cult attacks.

The divers are trapped below when the Cult throws blood into the water to attract sharks.

The Cult attacks Paul’s boat. The end is in doubt.

7. Crisis: pg. 75. This scene is the point where the Protagonist has to decide the issue that began at the Inciting Incident in the first 10 pages of the movie.

Paul overcomes his greatest fear in order to defeat the Cult.

Paul sets the Cult’s boat on fire.

Paul risks his life to rescue the divers.

8. Climax: pg. 79. The protagonist and antagonist come face to face for the showdown.

The Grand Inquisitor sees his dreams vanish. He commits suicide by pouring blood on himself and jumping into the water to be eaten by sharks.

The remaining Cultists are arrested by the Coast Guard.

Paul’s crew makes one last dive. They see the golden sword and find the treasure.

One of Paul’s crew betrays them.

Paul wins a fight with the betrayer. In contrast to his previous moral code, Paul lets the man die.

Paul and Sandy reconcile.

9. Resolution: pg. 88. It tells us how this conflict will finally be resolved.
Paul beats the classmate who bullied him for years.

Paul and Sandy leave the school together. Pg. 90.

CHANGED ELEMENTS.

A. The Santa Elena is wrecked in the Gulf of Mexico while carrying the gold to Spain.

To change the budget. Opening.

1. Expensive. The storm on the Santa Elena is shown. Water, lightning, St. Elmo’s fire, etc. Rigging falling, sailors panicking, lifeboats, masts falling, pitching deck, etc. A setup involving a golden sword is established.

2. Less expensive. The Gold Room is deserted. The Santa Elena has sailed and is no longer seen from the Gold Room. A storm is seen in the distance.

Survivors of the wreck arrive on a beach. They describe the last moments of the wreck and the golden sword setup.

The rest of the structure remains the same.

B. Introduce the Protagonist immediately to build identity quickly.

Opening. pg.1. The present. The Protagonist, eighteen-year-old Paul is introduced. His father died heroically. He is withdrawn.

Paul meets Sandy. She is Black, beginning an inter-racial love story in a small Louisiana city.

The bully that tormented Paul for years is introduced. His Nemesis.

Inciting Incident: pg. 9. Eighteen-year-old Paul is told by his uncle Jack that a Cult of religious psychopaths are after him and his family. A treasure is hinted at. Lenny, a marine engineer, is introduced.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: ….

The story of the wreck is introduced later when Paul sees his uncle Jack. By flashbacks and/or description … “The year is 1789. The Gold Room of the Spanish…”

Structure 4-9 stay the same.

C. Opening. Introduce the Grand Inquisitor and the Cult on page 1 to heighten the threat and add suspense. Then introduce Paul, an unsuspecting innocent.

Remaining structure sequence stays the same.

[Patricia Snyder]

Day 2, Assignment 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that I had no real idea of the structure of my pilot episode, and that I needed to revise the storyline to move the action along pursuant to an established structural outline.

Subject: Patti’s Basic Structure Version 1

Life on the Rock hour-long television pilot

Logline: A Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.

Main Conflict: Rose inherits a house and then survives attempts on her life while she renovates it for sale.

1. Opening: Scene from the past – Three children on a beach see a strange vision of a pirate ship enshrouded in mists and clouds. . Present day – Havard biologist Rose Kelly learns she’s inherited her great-aunt’s beachfront house in Key West.

2. Act 1 (Inciting Incident): Rose travels to Key West to list the house, witnesses a wacky world completely different from Boston, then arrives to find the house is dilapidated and can’t be sold right away.

3. By page 10, you know what the story is about – Rose, frustrated at the conditions of the house, reconnects with childhood friends Miller and Mitsu, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious vision of a pirate ship decades before. They try to talk Rose into staying in Key West.

Revised point: <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Rose, frustrated at the conditions of the house, reconnects with childhood friends Miller and Mitsu, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious vision of a pirate ship decades before. They try to talk Rose into staying in Key West but she adamantly refuses.<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Rose’s distant cousin, Stuart, tries to get Rose to put him in charge of selling the house so she can return to Boston.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Rose decides to stay in Key West to renovate the house in order to sell it to fund her research.

5. Act 2 – The 3 friends catch up on “life after the vision” and Rose becomes the victim of several accidents. The three finally realize the “accidents” have a purpose – to scare Rose into leaving the Keys.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – hurricane warnings are sounded as Rose tries to determine who is trying to kill her, and why.

7. Crisis – Act 3 – Rose doesn’t know who she can trust as she, Miller, and Mitsu are trapped by the approaching storm.

8. Action to resolve Crisis – Act 4 – The three friends survive the storm and capture the bad guy.

9. Resolution – Act 5 – Rose accidentally discovers a secret room containing, among other items, a pirates chest.

End of Episode One

[David Mailman]

(I can see a fun or thriller script using visions, pirate gold, haunted (maybe) house, and/or murder. Like “And Then There Were None”. What are the comps for the series? Beetlejuice meets The Old Dark House?)

Life on the Rock hour-long television pilot (What does “Rock” mean?)

Logline: A Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged (Unhinged still doesn’t look right. Irrational?) Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm. (Nice ending.)

Main Conflict: Rose inherits a house and then survives attempts on her life while she renovates it for sale. (Would a pilot need something more dramatic than a renovation? Sufficient to justify murder?)

1. Opening: Scene from the past – Three children on a beach see a strange vision of a pirate ship enshrouded in mists and clouds. . Present day – Havard biologist Rose Kelly learns she’s inherited her great-aunt’s beachfront house in Key West.

2. Act 1 (Inciting Incident): Rose travels to Key West to list the house. (She) witnesses a wacky world completely different from Boston, <s>then arrives to find</s> (T)the house is dilapidated and can’t be sold right away.

3. By page 10, you know what the story is about – Rose, frustrated at the conditions of the house, reconnects with childhood friends Miller and Mitsu, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious vision of a pirate ship decades before. They try to talk Rose into staying in Key West. (What is inciting? What is requiring a journey? She could sell It for less and leave to do research. What makes it a need, must, force? What does she want?)

Revised point: <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Rose, frustrated at the conditions of the house, reconnects with childhood friends Miller and Mitsu, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious vision of a pirate ship decades before. They try to talk Rose into staying in Key West but she <s>adamantly</s> refuses.<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Rose’s distant cousin, Stuart, tries to get Rose to put him in charge of selling the house so she can return to Boston. (Where will he come in?)

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Rose decides to stay in Key West to renovate the house in order to sell it to fund her research. (Will she profit more from this? The land is usually worth far more than the house on it.)

5. Act 2 – The 3 friends catch up on “life after the vision” and Rose becomes the victim of several accidents. The three finally realize the “accidents” have a purpose – to scare Rose into leaving the Keys.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – hurricane warnings are sounded as Rose tries to determine who is trying to kill her, and why.

7. Crisis – Act 3 – Rose doesn’t know who she can trust as she, Miller, and Mitsu are trapped by the approaching storm. (What makes them untrustworthy? What is their mystery? Are these going to be the characters that drive the series?)

8. Action to resolve Crisis – Act 4 – The three friends survive the storm and capture the bad guy. (Need more detail here.)

9. Resolution – Act 5 – Rose accidentally discovers a secret room containing, among other items, a pirates chest. (What does Rose do to drive the plot? Accidently finding something does not show agency.)

End of Episode One (What is the genre? “Wacky” implies it will be a comedy. Attempted murder-a thriller.

I don’t have a sense of uniqueness for the characters. What makes me like/ empathize/ identify with them?

The pilot seems to end here. Is it a limited series or open-ended? A series pilot sets up many interesting characters that drive the plot for many episodes. The characters are 99% of a TV series. What are the loglines for a year’s worth of episodes that can be seen in the pilot?

I like the basic story. Will there be a really bad villain?)

[Patricia Snyder]

David, thanks for the in-depth critique. Life in the islands (just about any island in the tropics) is referred to as being on the “rock.” Island life can be pretty limiting as you see the same people and places all the time. If you’re familiar with Kenny Chesney’s song “Life on a Rock” that pretty well describes it. The tv series genre is “dramedy” – a combination of ”fish out of water” comedy and drama, with each season taking the characters into a darker direction, sort of like the Harry Potter movie progression.

I had a really hard time zeroing in on the plot points as I’m rewriting the story as I go, but I feel the story is becoming clearer. Here’s a revision based on your very helpful comments:

2. Act 1 (Inciting Incident) – Rose, very sure that she can sell the house to raise money needed for her zombie ant research relating to glioblastoma carcinoma, leaves snowy Boston and arrives in sunny Key West to discover the beautiful house she remembers from childhood has become a dilapidated money pit. Meanwhile, her distant cousin Stuart McCoy, a sleazy lawyer in Key West, learns from his dying Great-aunt Betty that some sort of treasure is hidden in the house owned by Betty’s sister Helga, Rose’s late great-aunt. On her deathbed, Betty gives Stuart a partial gold coin from the stash of treasure.

3. By Page 10, you know what the story is about – Rose, depressed and frustrated over the condition of the house, reconnects with her friends Mitsu and Miller, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious pirate ship decades before. Rose is ready to sell the house for whatever she can get and return to staid Boston, but her friends try to talk her into staying long enough to get repairs started, arguing that the expense of renovations will be worthwhile in the long run. Stuart McCoy, on the other hand, wants Rose to sell out immediately to him so that he can search for the treasure hidden somewhere on the property.

4. First turning point at the end of Act 1 – When Rose refuses to sell, strange incidents begin to happen to her. Someone tries to break into her house. With it seeming that someone is trying to run her off, she becomes angry and decides to stay until the renovations are completed.

5. Act 2 – Numerous characters are introduced as they welcome Rose to the neighborhood: the older nudist couple next door, a drag queen, aRastafarian accountant, a charter boat captain, and more. Rose deals with incompetent contractors as she expects things to happen on schedule, rather than on island time.

6. Second turning point at the end of Act 2 – “accidents” happen to Rose as a hurricane appears to be headed to the Keys.

7. Crisis – Act 3 – As the only road out of the islands is shut down down unexpectedly due to the hurricane bearing down with increased speed, Rose is trapped with Miller and Mitsu and someone who may be trying to kill her.

8. Action to Resolve Crisis – Act 4 – as the eye of the hurricane passes over Key West, Rose and friends capture the hitman and wait for the storm to pass and for the authorities to arrive.

9. Resolution – Act 5 – As Rose cleans up from the storm surge, she accidentally discovers a hidden room with what appears to be a treasure chest. Joined by her two best friends, she tries to open it and the three are seemingly swept into a time warp to the days of buccaneers and sailing ships.

END OF EPISODE ONE

[George Strakosch]

ASSIGNMENT 2

George Strakosch’s Basic Structure Version 1

LOGLINE:

An undercover FBI agent is ordered to stand down from the investigation of a major mob boss when the criminal announces he is running for President. The agent disobeys orders and goes rogue, moving deeper into the presidential campaign run by a crime family, in order to bring him to justice.

STRUCTURE:

This is difficult for me. This class is focussed on screenplays. On movies. I am rewriting a television pilot. I have decided to use the structure the Hal taught us in the Binge-worthy class. Briefly, the structure is a Teaser and five Acts. Each Act must have a turning point. The pilot is the Inciting Incident for the entire series, but the pilot must fave an inciting incident as well.

TEASER – Johnnie is working for the mob and is chased by the NYPD in a stolen truck until the FBI catches him. Turning Point: Johnnie is actually an undercover FBI agent.

ACT 1 – Johnnie, an esteemed undercover FBI agent, has developed the case against crime boss Thomas Morelli, who was supposed to be arrested and indicted that morning, but has disappeared. Turning Point: Johnnie is accused of warning Morelli of the raid.

ACT 2 – Morelli is located in New Hampshire and the FBI surrounds his location, ready to arrest him. Turning Point / Midpoint: Morelli announces he is running for president and the FBI immediately has to stand down.

ACT 3 – The FBI is ordered not to have any investigation of Morelli and begins investigating who leaked information about the raid to him. Johnnie gets message to come to a senior mob meeting and the FBI orders him not to go. Turning Point: Johnnies disobeys FBI order and goes to the meeting.

ACT 4 – Johnnie’s FBI handler, Patty Burke, is ordered to get Johnnie. She bursts into the mob meeting pretending to be his girlfriend. She ‘discretely’ orders him back to the FBI. Turning Point: Johnnie refuses to leave and stays with the mob, risking arrest by the FBI.

ACT 5 – Morelli meets with his crime family and tells them that this is their greatest opportunity for unlimited power, wealth and immunity. Meanwhile, back at the FBI, Patty tells her superiors of Johnnie’s decision. Lock In: The Assistant Attorney General says it’s not the FBI’s problem anymore, as the CIA has been ordered to kill Johnnie.

ELEMENT TO ELEVATE

I reviewed the script and did not find any scenes that seemed similar to other shows or movies. I did find one major cliche – many scenes take place in the FBI office. All crime dramas use the HQ, be it the police squad room, the FBI office, CIA headquarters, etc. But most scenes in these locations are fairly static. This was brought up in feedback during the Binge-worthy class. ‘The FBI office is boring but you need have scenes there’. Some scenes, yes. But not a lot. During Binge-worthy, I moved some scenes out of the FBI office. But 21 pages of a 60 page script take place there, and that is too many. Taking what Hal taught us here, I need to look at each of these scenes, look at the main purpose of the scene and brainstorm other ways to to deliver that purpose. This should make the script more dynamic and can be used to add more layers and strengthen the sub-plot, which is one of the objectives I had when starting this class.

This will take more time than I have available right now for this assignment, but is a priority.

[Heather Hood]

What I learned about this assignment: there are a myriad of paths you can take your characters down, but only some lead to elevating the story.<div class=””>

1. Opening:

Father Ambrose passes out during an Advent communion service. We learn he is dying of kidney cancer, kept alive by dialysis in the hopes of finding a kidney transplant. He confesses to Bishop DeGaul, his superior, he believes this is his punishment for his sins inflicted on a child he abused as a teacher in St. Anne’s residential school. He also lets go of a secret he has been carrying for more than 40 years: the headmaster of the school murdered children after having sex with them and disposed of them in an old storm cellar beneath the school.

2.Inciting Incident:

Bishop DeGaul tells Ambrose if he really wants to be absolved of his sins, he must seek forgiveness from the young boy he abused (Jody Youngblood). Ambrose protests his weakness, but DeGaul is adamant.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Father Ambrose seeks forgiveness for his sins as the church must seek forgiveness for the actions against the Cree nation for their treatment of the children in their care.

First turning point at end of Act 1:

DeGaul contacts the Cree Band whose land The school sits on and the tribal elders hold a meeting at the Two Pines Reservation. The school is dug up and 163 skeletons are found in a pit beneath a set of stairs. The entire Reservation goes into mourning and outrage. They hire a lawyer to take the Catholic church to court.

Mid-Point:

This is not a good time to be a Catholic priest on the Two Pines Reservation. Yet Ambrose and DeGaul try to navigate forgiveness for the wrong done to the Reservation’s relations. Jody Youngblood would rather die than talk to Ambrose. Forgiveness? He can forget about that – Jody was locked in a tiny little cupboard for 5 solid days just for speaking his native tongue. He has claustrophobia so bad he had to rip all the walls out of his house and self medicates with alcohol just to stand being inside.

But there are people on the Rez who just want peace. Who just want to move forward. These are the ones welcoming the priests into their home since the Rez is so remote there are no motels for miles. These are the ones recognizing no one from the church has ever stepped forward to be a witness for their side: who can testify to what the priests and nuns actually did to the students. These are the people who need to keep Ambrose alive because the Vatican has sent a lawyer of their own to shadow them. And Cardinal Ignacio Angelino has his own agenda that doesn’t answer to anyone other than God. Not even the Pope.

Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Ambrose has missed his appointment for dialysis, and with Christmas holidays looming, it’s imperative he get treatment. The Chief decides since he needs to speak to Jody, Jody can drive him to the appointment. Ambrose is too sick to say much and Jody is too wierded out because of how sick Ambrose is and the responsibility of driving the tribe’s star witness.

Crisis:

A blizzard blows in and Jody and Ambrose are stranded in the middle of nowhere when the truck dies. Ambrose’s port has gone septic and he’s running a deadly fever that could finish him. Jody only knows bush medicine and wilderness survival.

Elevating the structure: currently Jody builds a survival shelter to wait out the storm. It might be better if I have him build a travois and try and haul Ambrose out to the nearest road where he can flag down help. Also that gives him a chance to ‘vent’ his anger.

Climax:

Search and rescue find them and get Ambrose to a hospital. Instead of being safe one of Angelino’s aides tries to poison Ambrose. He is left too weak to retrieve the box of photos he needs for evidence from the school. He must trust the Chief’s son to get them.

While getting the box, Angelino’s other aide tries to kill the Chief’s son, but he outwits him and staggers into the courtroom at the last minute with the evidence to support Ambrose’s claims.

Elevation: What if Jody doesn’t forgive Ambrose at all? What if Jody has to be the one retrieving the photos? Then he is forced to see what Ambrose risked in order to take them. He would understand if it had been any other teacher, he would have been dead. No one else would have let him out of the cupboard. And that would lead to Jody questioning what he believes about his entire past.

Resolution:

The Cree win their case, Angelino goes to jail. Ambrose chooses to die under the stars where he can see God all around him. DeGaul resigns his position from the Catholic church, choosing to be a humble servant of God.

</div>

[Benito Selim]

Benito Selim’s Basic Structure Version 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is separating every part of the story will help you in a better rewrite. I can isolate the key problems to fix in my script.

DETOUR- HORROR

Two sisters and their friends on their way to the Florida Keys for spring break become stranded in the everglades. Their situation becomes dire as they are hunted by reptiles who have grown mysteriously aggressive, unprovoked.

MAIN CONFLICT:

Two sisters attempting to mend their relationship decide to join friends in the Florida Keys for spring break. While making a pit stop, they become stranded deep in the Florida Everglades stalked by aggressive reptiles.

OPENING:

A new housing development near the Florida Everglades is the center of controversy when a protest erupts with claims that the company is using a harmful chemical towards reptiles, despite the company claiming it’s environmentally safe. The situation is defused by law enforcement but when the coast is clear, the site foreman is killed by two alligators (Alligator 1 and 2).

Later in the night, Kayla parties with her sorority sisters Megan and Candy, they make plans to go to the Florida Keys for spring break. Kayla doesn’t tell them she had already made plans with her sister Lynette to go home and visit their parents. Lynette calls her, but she ignores her call.

INCITING INCIDENT:

Lynette tells Kayla their parents are on vacation; the trip home is cancelled. Kayla talks Lynette into going with her to the keys. The group is stuck in traffic and takes a detour that will cut through the everglades.

BY PAGE 10, YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:

Kayla is trying to mend her relationship with her sister while they enter imminent danger in the everglades with their friends.

FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 1:

Back at the construction site a reptile doctor named Aaron joins Sheriff Dale into investigation the alligators attacked. Aaron discovers paint from the houses that has drained into a river that connects to the everglades.

In the everglades, Lynette educates the girls on wildlife. Megan and Candy encounter Alligator 1 and 2, they feed them which Lynette discourages them from doing. Lynette informs them alligators will associate people with food and won’t hesitate to come up to them.

MID-POINT:

Megan takes the wrong way out and ends up deep in the glades where her car becomes stuck and sinks into a mud. The girls become stranded without anyone knowing they are there.

While making there way out they stumble upon three Pythons (Python 1, 2 and 3) who pursue the girls, just as the alligators find them. Unfamiliar with the environment, they all must band together to fight to stay alive.

SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 2:

After Candy is killed, the girls are an open target as they venture deeper into the glades with nowhere to hide.

Aaron does a test with the paint and discovers it makes reptiles temporarily aggressive, once it washes off, they are back to normal, he contacts Sheriff Dale.

Ranger Paul discovers Megan’s abandoned car and calls it in. Aaron and Sheriff Dale arrive to inform him they must shut the park down. Paul tells them about people possibly stuck inside.

CRISIS:

Kayla, Lynette, and Megan are trapped inside a maintenance shack with the alligators and pythons closing in.

CLIMAX:

The alligators and pythons attack each other trying to get to the girls. Two helicopters arrive to rescue them. Megan along with two pilots, two pythons and the alligators are killed. Python 1 hides on one of the helicopters and makes it to the front entrance with the group, before it can hurt anyone it’s killed.

RESOLUTION:

Kayla and Lynette reconcile and found being through this traumatic experience showed they had more in common than they thought.

This ends on a cliffhanger. Python 1 is sent back to Aaron’s lab for research and alligator eggs are found inside them. The eggs are hatched and attack Aaron’s assistant who is conducting the test.

[Shannon Phipps]

Assignment 2:

What I learned: I realized I was confusing the core story with a minor thread. This exercise helped me to refocus the story. I’m so glad I did this assignment!

Title: The Faithful One

*NEW* Logline: A newly widowed woman travels with her ailing mother-in-law from her home in urban India to rural Kansas and proves herself faithful as they build a new life together.

Opening: Amana stares at her life in boxes in her home in India. She remembers the life she had but is interrupted by a phone alert that brings her back to reality. She has a plane to catch.

Inciting Incident: Amana and Naomi travel to the U.S. where they are detained over a customs issue. Amana remembers her commitment to care for her mother-in-law as they wait to learn their fate, will they get to stay in the U.S. or be deported?

By page 10, the movie is about: Amana keeping her word and beginning a new life in the U.S. with Oscar.

First Turning Point: Naomi’s old building could be a new start for her and Amana if they can pay the back taxes on it. Amana gets a job with a family friend of Naomi’s. Naomi begins trying to get the money to pay the tax bill.

Mid-Point: Amana is promoted and begins a friendship with her boss, Oscar. Naomi begins to envision her new life and is, for the first time, hopeful. She begins to look for financial help.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: Naomi has exhausted all options to come up with the money to pay the taxes. Amana has fallen in love with Oscar. She thinks she will lose her job during the slow season.

Crisis: The deadline is here and there’s no money for the taxes. Naomi tells Amana to ask Oscar for the taxes, something Amana is not eager to do.

Climax: Amana asks Oscar for help with the taxes.

Resolution: Oscar agrees to help Amana and Naomi because he loves them both. When his brother cannot help without backing out of a deal and losing his earnest money, Oscar pays the taxes.

PART 2:

Opening: Amana stares at her life in boxes in her home in India. She remembers the life she had but is interrupted by a phone alert that brings her back to reality. She has a plane to catch.

Inciting Incident: Amana and Naomi travel to the U.S. where they are detained over a customs issue. Amana remembers her commitment to care for her mother-in-law as they wait to learn their fate, will they get to stay in the U.S. or be deported?

By page 10, the movie is about: Amana keeping her word and beginning a new life in the U.S. <s>with Oscar</s>.

First Turning Point: Naomi’s old building could be a new start for her and Amana if they can pay the back taxes on it. Amana gets a job with a family friend of Naomi’s. Naomi begins trying to get the money to pay the tax bill.

Mid-Point: Amana is promoted and begins a friendship with her boss, Oscar. Naomi begins to envision her new life and is, for the first time, hopeful. Naomi begins to look for financial help.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: Naomi has exhausted all options to come up with the money to pay the taxes. Amana has fallen in love with Oscar. As she gets closer to Oscar she moves away from Naomi.

Crisis: The deadline is here and there’s no money for the taxes.<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> <font face=”inherit”>Naomi tells Amana to ask Oscar for the tax money, a favor Amana is not eager to do. She’s not sure she wants to ask him as it may put </font>her<font face=”inherit”> relationship with Oscar in jeopardy. </font>Maybe he will think she’s only after his money.<font face=”inherit”> She must choose between her love for Oscar and her commitment to Naomi. </font><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>(CHANGE: This change takes us back to the theme of faithfulness and refocuses the story on Amana and Naomi instead of Amana and Oscar.)

Climax: Amana asks Oscar for help with the taxes.

Resolution: Oscar agrees to help Amana and Naomi but asks his brother first. When his brother cannot help without backing out of a deal and losing his earnest money, Oscar pays the taxes and reveals his love and respect for Amana.