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Day 22 Assignment
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INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM – DAY
Rachel talks to a beautiful woman, LESLIE, 20s. She takes one breath away. Leslie nods as Rachel gives her instructions.
RACHEL
She’s got to believe you are having an affair.
LESLIE
I guarantee an Academy Award performance.
RACHEL
You’re on.
INT. RESTAURANT – LATER
Bustling with business. Emily enters. The HOSTESS,20’s, smiles at her. Approaches.
EMILY
I’m looking for my sister. Dark hair, my height, pretty.
She looks around. Spots Rachel with a big smile on her face. She motions for Emily.
Greeting each other with a big hug Emily sits. Wiggles into her chair getting comfortable. A big sigh.
EMILY
Thanks, I needed this. Called Eugene, he wasn’t available. Doesn’t even know about the fire.
RACHEL
You poor thing. Losing all those paintings.
EMILY
You being here has been a blessing to me.
Rachel smiles.
RACHEL
It was time I realize that now.
The WAITRESS,20’s, approaches.
RACHEL
We’d like two glasses of wine.
She looks at Emily who shakes her head.
RACHEL
Not for me.
The women are looking at the menus when a loud crash interrupts the. They both jump. Look at one another and laugh.
RACHEL
Oops…
The waitress returns with iced glasses of water and a glass of wine for Rachel.
WAITRESS
Decided?
EMILY
I’ll have a burger and fries.
RACHEL
Sounds good. Me too.
Emily emits another sigh.
EMILY
Guess I really needed to get out.
Rachel reaches over and gently pats Emily’s hand. She raises her glass to Emily and drinks.
RACHEL
To my sister.
Emily sits water.
Looking around at the diners, Rachel suddenly gets a concerned look. She points her mouth aghast.
EMILY
What’s wrong?
RACHEL
I think I know why Eugene didn’t answer your call.
EMILY
What?
Rachel points to Eugene sitting with Leslie. She is laying on the charm. They look like a loving couple.
Emily looks around. Sees the loving couple. Her eyebrows lift and a quick second of her breathing is suspended.
Shaking her head, Emily stares.
EMILY
It can’t be.
She sits there. Staring. A slow disbelieving head shake. She rises…
RACHEL
Emily don’t.
She sits back down. Her anger growing.
EMILY
How could he do this to me?
Getting up from her chair, Rachel tries to pull her down, but Emily marches over to Eugene and the woman. The woman pulls her hand from his.
EMILY
Enjoying your lunch?
EUGENE
Em…Em…what are you doing here?
He’s all friendly toward her.
EMILY
Me…What are you doing?
EUGENE
This is Leslie Robbins. She’s with Management Investments. They’re interested in funding my project.
EMILY
Funding is it. I saw you holding hands.
LESLIE
We were just closing the deal.
EMILY
Fuck you.
Eugene hands Emily Leslie’s card. Emily reads it then throws it down on the floor.
LESLIE
Look, you two work this out.
She gets up from the table and heads to the restroom. Gene stares after her, defeated. He throws up his hands.
EUGENE
There goes a million bucks.
Emily’s anger gets louder and louder. The PATRONS try to ignore her and continue eating.
EMILY
Eugene…
INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM – DAY
Leslie washes her hands. She wipes them and is about to enter a stall when Rachel approaches her. She takes an envelope from her purse and hands it to Leslie.
RACHEL
And the oscar goes to…Loved the hand touching. It sealed the deal.
LESLIE
If you ever need my services again, just let me know.
Leslie disappears into a stall.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Rachel exits the restroom.
Eugene is pleading with Emily to leave. He grabs her arm and she pulls away.
Rachel stares at them as do the other patrons. She exits.
EUGENE
Emily, let’s take this outside.
She won’t budge, so he turns and leaves. She follows him.
EXT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Eugene waits for Emily. She approaches him, tears in her eyes.
He tries to comfort her, but Emily pulls away. He looks around.
EUGENE
How did you get here?
EMILY
I called you. I needed to tell you something really important. And where were you? Here with that…that…
She moves down the street to Rachel’s car and stops. Gene follows her.
Gene recognizes the car.
EUGENE
Rachel brought you. Where is she?
RACHEL
Right behind you, asshole.
He points at her.
EUGENE
You did this.
RACHEL
You are disgusting. Let’s go Emily.
Emily gets in the car. She and Rachel drive away.
Eugene watches after them. Some patrons have exited the restuarant and give him an accusatory look. He pulls the Leslies’ business card from his wallet. Dials his cell phone. A message says, “This is not a working number.”
EUGENE
What’s going on here?
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Sandra’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is how to use structure, character, and dialogue interest techniques to increase the interest level of the reader to keep them fully engaged.
SITUATION: After being screwed over, Person A returns to Person B to request a truce…but in the next scene, we see that they are actually setting up Person B.
LOGLINE: Two sparing teenage brothers form a truce to discover what their parents are hiding.
SUSPENSE: Wimpy, nerdy DOUG is in his bedroom doing his homework on the computer when his angry older football player brother, RICK, barges in the room.
MAJOR TWIST: After Rick yells at Doug and threatens to break his arm, Doug pulls out a gun and threatens to shoot Rick.
SURPRISE: Suddenly, their parents arrive home and want to know why their chores aren’t done.
MORE INTERESTING SETTING: Instead of the bedroom it could be the living room or family room or school or Doug could be playing a video game or their little sister could demand attention.
MISLEAD/REVEAL: This appears to be typical sibling rivalry however they are not actually related.
SUPERIOR POSITION/DRAMATIC IRONY: We see that two people are gagged and tied to chairs in the basement.
UNCERTAINTY – HOPE/FEAR: RICK threatens to break Doug’s arm. They call a truce and play video games. Parents return home. Parents threaten to ground them and take privileges away.
INTRIQUE: Heard a noise in the basement. Results of the blood tests.
MYSTERY: How did Rick get a broken leg? Why are there hostages in the basement?
CLIFF HANGER: Who are the two hostages in the basement?
SOMETHING UNSEEN: Who and where are the boy’s real parents?
CHARACTER CHANGES RADICALLY: Rick changes from angry to afraid of rats/mice and the basement.
BETRAYAL: JOHN and SALLY aren’t really their parents, the boys were kidnapped as babies from different families.
DILEMMA: Doug could have his arm broken if he doesn’t stand up to Rick. Rick could be shot if he doesn’t let go of Doug.
UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION: Doug about to be beaten up by Rick. Rick not expecting Doug to have a gun. Their parents arriving home early.
MISINTERPRETATION: Boys are relieved to find out they are not related. They think it would be cool if their parents were aliens from outer space.
HOOK: Did you hear that noise in the basement?
PREDICTIONS: Figure things out if they work together.
CREATING A FUTURE: If the boys don’t call a truce they could kill each other. Working together they could outsmart their parents and find out what they are hiding.
ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE: Threatening to break Doug’s arm. Parent’s threat to punish the boys.
SCENE: INT. HOUSE – DAY
Typical two-story Midwestern middle class home with a nicely kept yard in a family neighborhood. Inside the living room, wimpy teenage boy, DOUG is sitting on the sofa playing a video game. We hear a noise from the basement and see a man and a woman gagged and tied to chairs. Doug hears the noise, shrugs and goes back to his game. The front door slams open, RICK, teenage football player, barges in, stomps over to the sofa, pulls Doug up, and gets in his face. Doug has a cast on his right leg.
RICK
(yelling)
Stop posting shit on facebook about me or I’ll break your arm.
Rick lets go of Doug. Doug reaches under a sofa cushion, pulls out a gun and aims it at Rick.
DOUG
Back off or I’ll use this. Don’t you think it’s time we called a truce, brother? We can get more done if we work together.
RICK
Okay. Okay. Put the gun away.
Doug puts the gun under the cushion and sits down on top of it.
DOUG
Want to play a game?
RICK
Sure.
Rick sits down on the sofa and they become engrossed in the game. They hear a noise from the basement.
RICK
What was that?
DOUG
Probably a rat or some mice.
RICK
I hate those things. Won’t catch me going down there.
DOUG
I got the results of the blood tests.
RICK
Yeah, what did they say?
DOUG
Just as we thought, that we are not related.
RICK
That’s a relief.
DOUG
Yeah. Now we need to figure out if John and Sally are our parents.
RICK
Maybe they are space aliens.
DOUG
That would be cool.
JOHN and SALLY arrive home, they come in through the kitchen door, and stand in front of the tv screen.
SALLY
I see your chores haven’t been done.
JOHN
You have 30 minutes to get them done or you will be grounded and the tv and video game privileges taken away.
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Paul’s Max Interest 2.
4. What I learned from this assignment is that making this your default approach when you’re writing a script leads to a totally improved outcome. I now see my scenes in a completely different light, with new criteria. This preparation makes it easier to write the actual scene. It is also challenging. These are not easy exercises.
1. Scene Logline: When her drug-lord husband died, his rivals kicked her out of her luxury home, but now she’s back, and she’s not alone.
2.
Suspense: We see the house surrounded by gunmen, so what is this vulnerable-looking woman doing there?
Major twist: 1. After they let her past and speak to the boss, we discover this used to be her house. 2. At the end, Marisol regrets ever collaborating with the DEA.
Surprise: As the boss opens the front door to let her in, she turns around, makes a sign, and two of her own gunmen get out of the car and join her, exchanging nasty looks with the other gunmen.
More interesting setting: Instead of a townhouse, it could be a luxury villa at the beach.
Superior position: The viewer knows she is now DEA, but her enemy does not.
Uncertainty/hope & fear: Is this woman going to get out of there alive? She is facing some tough enemies.
Intrigue: What is the connection between this woman and the owner of this villa?
Mystery: We can tell there is more to her than we can see and that she is letting on to, but what is it?
Something unseen: She is “wired” so that all that she hears and sees is being monitored elsewhere.
CHARACTER
Character changes radically: The woman who looked vulnerable when she arrived, is now seen as a threat by the villa’s owner.
Betrayal: 1. The guy she’s up against thought that there was trust amongst thieves, but she has renounced the role of the narco boss’s wife, and is on the DEA’s payroll now.
Dilemma: When she signals for the DEA to come in, should she let them take her bodyguards too, since they are killers too?
Uncomfortable moment: the drug baron, now occupying the woman’s villa, makes an off-the-cuff comment about the DEA – does he know?
Misinterpretation: When the DEA finally storms the place, they are not sure who is on who’s side and are close to making a total mess.
3. The Scene
EXT. A LUXURY, BEACH-SIDE VILLA SOMEWHERE IN MEXICO. MORNING.
MARISOL, a modest-looking woman in her 50s, gets out of a normal-looking car and approaches the villa. Three men in dark suits look on. One bars her way.
MARISOL
(In a tough voice that contrasts with her modest demeanor.)
This is my house, remember?
Without a word, the man reluctantly lets her pass. As she approaches the front-door, it opens as though automatically. She enters.
INT. LUXURY VILLA. SAME.
Two more GUNMEN are standing, while JAVIER, the drug baron is spread out on a sofa in the open floor-plan ground floor.
JAVIER
(Not getting up from his sofa)
Mrs Dominguez! To what or to whom do I owe the honor?
MARISOL
The keys!
JAVIER
Keys? To the house?
MARISOL
I’ll take the keys to the Porsche outside too if you like.
JAVIER
You’re so funny! Just like your late husband.
Marisol pulls out her cell and hits CALL:
MARISOL
Come on in!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE LUXURY VILLA. SAME.
The doors of Marisol’s car open and three heavily-built men get out. The men in suits don’t dare challenge them and they enter the villa.
INT. SITTING ROOM. SAME.
The three men enter. Javier jumps up from the sofa.
JAVIER
Friends of yours?
MARISOL
The keys.
Javier looks at the three heavies and hesitates.
MARISOL
Look, while you decide what’s best for your health, I’ll go to the bathroom.
Marisol walks off to the bathroom next to the kitchen.
This was the signal for her men to immediately attack Javier’s bodyguards. If seconds they have them on the ground, their guns pointed at their heads.
INT. BATHROOM. SAME.
Marisol is whispering into her cell-phone.
MARISOL
Are you getting this? How much longer? (She looks at her watch.) OK. No later.
Marisol ends the call, fixes her necklace with two large pendants, and exits the bathroom.
INT. SITTING ROOM. SAME.
She sees Javier’s bodyguards kneeling on the floor, guns with silencers pointed at their heads.
MARISOL
(To her main guy).
There’s not enough coffee for three.
He signals to one of the other three men who pulls the trigger, dropping one of the kneeling bodyguards to the ground.
JAVIER
Marisol!
MARISOL
Let’s not get emotional.
She sits down where Javier had been sitting. He remains standing.
MARISOL
(As though playing with her necklace)
So tell me, how wis business?
JAVIER
It’s… err.
MARISOL
How many kilos of coke last month.
JAVIER
Lat month was a good month.
(His voice trembles as looks over at his dead bodyguard.)
MARISOL
(As though absorbed by her necklace)
How much?
JAVIER
Oh, about 450 kilos, half a tonne.
MARISOL
Chicago still the best market?
JAVIER
We’re switching more towards the north-west, Seattle.
MARISOL
Who’s your man up there?
JAVIER
Still got your pulse on the business, haven’t you.
MARISOL
I asked who is your man up there.
The heavy who shot the bodyguard turns his gun in Javier’s direction. Javier’s gets the message.
JAVIER
His code-name’s “The Man from Uncle.”
MARISOL
DEA?
JAVIER
We only work with the best.
Marisol pulls out her cellphone again and hits a key.
JAVIER
Look, Marisol, if it’s the house you want, I’m sure we can come to some agreement.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE VILLA. SAME.
A Humvee screeches to a halt outside the villa. Six men in flak jackets jump out. The three men in suits are disposed of quickly and the new arrivals race to the villa, followed by AGENT JONES in a suit and tie.
INT. LUXURY VILLA. SAME.
MARISOL
Might be too late for that, Javier. I think you have visitors.
The men in flak jackets storm in. Marisol’s heavies open fire, but the return fire is stronger.
MARISOL
No!! Stop shooting!
It is too late. Marisol’s heavies lie dead on the ground.
AGENT JONES
(Looking at the dead bodies sprawled on the ground)
Excellent job, Marisol!
MARISOL
You total idiot! They were my men! Good men!
Marisol runs over to look for signs of life, as the men in flak jackets look on. It’s hopeless.
MARISOL
I should never have trusted you guys!
JAVIER
You stupid bitch! You think those guys are any cleaner than you or me?
One of the men in flak jacket comes across and hand-cuffs Javier, pushing him towards the war.
JAVIER
(Over his shoulder as he leaves the villa)
Never trust the government!
Marisol drops onto the sofa, weeping as she looks at her dead friends on the floor. Looking up at Agent Jones.
JAVIER
Hey, come on! This is the price we have to pay sometimes.
MARISOL
Shut the fuck up! How do I know you’re not the “Man from Uncle”?
Agent Jones responds with an ambiguous glare.
END
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Ed’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is so much of quality writing is in the preparation and planning. Much thought is required to design and scene that is interesting. It’s not easy, but I see I can make a scene more complex and creative using the brainstorming methods and interest techniques. With additional passes a scene will improve.
Logline:ene (put in the first line)
LOGLINE: Midway carny workers square off when a long held secret is revealed.
Interest technique ideas:
Suspense.There’s something illegal (drugs?) hidden inside Opal’s stuffed animal.
Appleman’s ride is broken, threatening it’s safe operation
Bad weather is threatening the fair’s success
Joey’s on his way to the fair with big news
Bernie Sue is selling drugs out of her carnival game
Zinger’s giant cannon is sabotaged
Opal is kidnapped – why by who? Reason? – Could be be Joey – real father.
B. Major twist. The carny operator announces goes out of business immediately
Random drug test by carny operator – is Appleman framed? Bernie busted?
Zinger proposes marriage to Bernie Sue
Bernie Sue threatens to leave Appleman and go back home
C. Surprise.Create (or identify) a predictable pattern, then shock us with an unexpected occurrence. This is easily done in a Setup / Surprise pattern.
Bernie Sue is not just a ride operator – she sells drugs from her stall
Bernie Sue is a prostitute
Appleman is a prostitute – male / female?
Zinger is undercover DEA – officer
Zinger is a vice officer
Opal finds the hidden item in her stuffed animal
D. Put in a More Interesting Setting –
Hurricane/Tornado baring down on carny camp
Carnival midway
Police station – jail? Interrogation rooms?
Livestock barn – on fire?
Future – fair on another planet
Historical – different time period than present day
E. Mislead / Reveal.
A character believed to be poor is rich
Appleman is not the father of Opal – back home, Joey, is
The scene is within a scene – movie set?
Opal is setting up Bernie Sue for a drug bust
Opal is directing customers to her mother’s drug dealings
Bernie Sue is actually with law enforcement
F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony -Back home Joey – is the carny owner causing Appleman’s and Zinger’s feud
Appleman sabotages Zinger’s landing net.
Zinger is not a human cannon ball – he’s a undercover cop
Opal’s stuff animal contains a listening device
Joey is on his way to the fair – he has a picture of Opal tapped to his truck dash
G. Uncertainty — hope / fearAlternate hope and fear by revealing details that make the goal appear likely, then unlikely.
Appleman – hope – he can sabotage Zinger’s cannon to kill him
Appleman – fear – nearly caught in the act
Appleman’s hope – sabotages cannon
Appleman’s fear – weather will cancel the show
Bernie Sue’s Hope – a major drug deal, she can take Opal and leave Appleman
Bernie’s Sue’s Fear – she’ll get busted – sent to prison
Bernie sue’s Hope – Major drug deal set
Bernie Sue’s fear – she get killed making the deal
Zinger’s hope – he’ll catch the drug dealer – get out of this undercover
Zinger’s fear – the drug dealer’s is someone he knows
H. Intrigue –
Appleman’s interest in Zinger’s human cannon ball act
Zingers observation Opal doesn’t look like Appleman
Bernie Sue lying to Zinger about her money
Joey – Appleman’s drug test meddling
Mystery – How does Bernie Sue own a nice RV, strange for a game operator – drugs or is she just rich?
Who tampered with Zinger’s cannon , nearly killing him –
Who tipped off the authorities Bernie Sue’s selling drugs?
Who sent Appleman a letter now he’s suddenly suspicious of Bernie Sue’s intentions
How did Opal go missing – who did it? Why?
J. Cliffhanger A startling conclusion with a major hook. Who shot J.R.?
Joey shows up , what will he tell about he and Bernie Sue
Joey shows up and takes Opal away
K. Dilemma
Will Bernie Sue go after Opal or save Zinger from being killed by Appleman?
Will Opal confess what she knows about Zinger or let her mother get busted?
Will Opal accept a marriage proposal?
L. Something unseen – There is a listening device inside Opal’s stuffed animal.
There hidden contraband in Opal’s stuffed animal
There is a hidden camera inside Bernie Sue’s game
Home town Joey manipulating the principal characters
Scene:
EXT. CARNIVAL MIDWAY – INSIDE CANNON BARREL – NIGHT
We are looking out through the bore of a massive cannon. It’s a claustrophobic, dark space. The full moon is framed in the muzzle. The sounds of the midway echoes within the chamber. We see the eyes of ZINGER ,the Human Cannon Ball, staring back at us. He conveys what we are thinking – how nuts is this?
EXT. HUMAN CANNON BALL LANDING NET – NIGHT
A knife blade flashes in the light. We only see the hand that hold the knife as it cuts though the net tie-down lines.
EXT. CARNIVAL MIDWAY – NIGHT
The cannon rises . A hush falls over the crowd.
PA Announcer
…Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One…
KA-BOOM – Zinger, patriotic jump suit and all, flies out of the cannon in a cloud of smoke and flash of fire. He sails through the air among the screams, landing in a net. He bounces back up. Upon the second landing the net rips. Zinger is dumped to the ground. TA-DA – he’s alright, shaken but waving to the crowd.
EXT. CARNY CAMP – NIGHT
Among the hodgepodge of tents and campers sits a diesel pusher, RV, complete with bistro lights and a patio cover. Here BERNIE SUE, and APPELMAN, are making out. Zinger stomps his way over to them interrupting the passion.
ZINGER
You, Appleman! I know you did it. Don’t screw with
My net again! You hear! I’ll fucking kill you.
APPLEMAN
Keep you voice down Zinger, and mind your cussing. The little ones are still up.
BERNIE SUE
Beer, Zinger? Been a long day.
Between his huffing and puffing, Zinger plops himself down in a lawn chair. She hands him a beer.
APPLEMAN
Your nets are old. You’re old. No one’s fussing with your lame ass act.
ZINGER
Bullshit! (quieter) Bullshit. You’re retaliating because Bernie Sue and me had a thing going on…
BERNIE SUE
…Oh keep me out of this. You boys want to kill each other you go right ahead but don’t do it over me. I ain’t that kind of lady.
Little OPAL jumps out of the RV. She the same girl as we see taped to the pickup truck’s dash. She grasped tightly the same stuffed animal, an iguana, she calls Iggy.
BERNIE SUE
There’s my little angel. Why aren’t you in bed?
OPAL
Iggy wants a drink of water.
APPLEMAN
And your daddy wants another beer.
ZINGER
I got this. Come on Opal, let’s get you and Iggy settled in.
APPLEMAN
Just hold on there, human nut ball. My daughter don’t need your charity.
ZINGER
I’m just being neighborly. Just because I live in a tent don’t make me less of a man than you Appleman.
BERNIE SUE
That’s enough! Appleman, shake Zinger’s hand and pledge a truce. I mean it. I ain’t going through another season with you two roosters cockfighting all the time.
Begrudgingly, they shake on the deal. Zinger takes Opal into the RV.
INT. BERNIE SUE’S RV
While Opal’s in the bathroom, Zinger zips open the stuffed iguana and inserts a listening device. A door slams. Zinger hurries up before Bernie Sue walks in. She saunters over.
BERNIE SUE
Now that is what I call a man.
They begin to kiss, first slowly then passionately up to the time Opal pops open the bathroom door breaking up the make out.
ZINGER
I’ll see you tomorrow. Night baby doll…night Iggy.
OPAL
Nighty night…
With a sly wink and a smile for Bernie Sue, Zinger leaves the RV passing Appleman on his way in. Bernie Sue and Appleman sit around the kitchen table.
INT. ZINGER’S TENT
Quickly Zinger turns on a small receiver and slips on headphones. He adjust the dials until the voices of Bernie Sue and Appleman crackle to life. He listens closely.
APPLEMAN (V.O)
What did you take in today?
BERNIE SUE (V.O.)
Another couple grand.
Appleman (V.O)
Not bad at all for stupid carny duck pond game.
BERNIE SUE (V.O)
Ducks on a pond, fentanyl sold under the table. Bless us Lord, for I’ve have sinned.
Zinger makes a couple of notes. He listen as the conversation continues…
INT. RV
APPLEMAN
Bernie Sue I’m worried you’re attacking too much attention. This RV is way out of reach for carny folks.
BERNIE SUE
Carny folks are plane gullible. I tell them I inherited from my folks and that’s all they care to hear. Now, how is it Zinger came walking into camp? Can’t you kill the bastard? I don’t trust him, no sir, not one bit. He ain’t carny, anyone can see that. He’s sniffing around too much.
APPLEMAN
Yea, candy folk don’t have nine lives like that fella do. I got me a special plan for tomorrow. Just you wait. That cannon going to shoot that SOB to the moon.
BERNIE SUE
I just may close up early to see that, sweetie cakes.
They go back to making out.
INT. ZINGER’S TENT
Zinger rips off his headphones. He’s doing all he can do keep inside the tent and not tear Appleman to pieces. He removes from his duffle bag a gun and his DEA shield.
EXT. CARNY CAMP
The pick up truck has arrived. The driver snaps off the photo of Opal from the dash. He opens the door and steps out. This is JOEY. He ambles through the camp softly calling out.
JOEY
Opal…Opal…Opal!
INT. RV
Appleman pulls away from Bernie Sue.
APPLEMAN
Show time. I got me a cannon to sabotage.
BERNIE SUE
You don’t kill him this time, I’ll kill you both.
APPLEMAN
I love when you talk sexy.
EXT. CARNY CAMP
Joey sneaking around, calling out Opal’s name until Zinger bounces out of his tent.
ZINGER
Who the fuck are you?
He sees the picture of Opal in Joey’s hand and snatched it.
ZINGER
Looking for little girls? How about I blow your head off, perv.
Zinger cocks his pistol, pointing it Joey’s face.
JOEY
(calmly)
You got the wrong idea mister. I got my business to attend to and you best mind yours.
APPLEMAN (O.S)
Now what the fuck. Zinger can’t you keep your nose clean?
ZINGER
This here stranger’s got a picture of Opal, knows her name too.
APPLEMAN
That so? Mister this here is a carny camp and we got what we call a carny court. Let’s go.
EXT. RV
Appleman, Zinger and Joey arrive at the RV patio. Bernie Sue exits with little Opal. She’s about to say something when her eyes land on Joey. She stiffens. She’s speechless.
Opal breaks free from Bernie Sue. She runs to Joey.
OPAL
Daddy…Daddy!
She jumps into his arms. Collectively, Appleman, and Zinger look at Bernie Sue, dumbstruck.
APPLEMAN
Daddy? Bernie Sue, something you need to tell me?
Zinger flashes his badge.
APPLEMAN
Oh shit!
Joey gets down on one knee. The ring box rests in his sweaty palm.
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Amechi’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is that the different interest techniques should be applied at different stages of writing a scene.After being screwed over, Person A returns to Person B to request a truce…but in the next scene, we see that they are actually setting up Person B.
LOGLINE:
1. After discovering that Tom lied about having an affair, Jane returns to Tom to request a truce… but in the next scene we see she is actually setting Tom up to fail in front of the talent scout who has come to watch their duo act.INTEREST TECHNIQUE IDEAS:
1. SUSPENSE – Is Jane going to tell Tom what she saw?
2. MAJOR TWIST – Jane does the duo act by herself.
3. SURPRISE – Tom finds the door locked.
4. PUT IN A MORE INTERESTING SETTING – Originally had an office setting but put it in a comedy club instead.
5. MISLEAD/REVEAL – Tom tells Jane that he loves her / he’s seeing another woman.
Tom says he’s going to the bathroom / She catches him talking intimately with another woman.
6. CHARACTER CHANGES RADICALLY – Jane is nice to Tom / She calls him a bastard behind his back.
7. BETRAYAL – Jane sees Tom talking intimately with another woman.
8. SUPERIOR POSITION / DRAMATIC IRONY – Jane knows what Tom did.
9. UNCERTAINTY (HOPE/FEAR) – Will Jane and tom be okay together.
10. INTRIGUE – Why doesn’t she confront him?
11. HOOK – This is their big chance.
12. DILEMMA – Confront Tom or keep the act going?
13. PREDICTIONS – They’re going to be famous after this
14. SOMETHING UNSEEN – The woman reacting to Tom’s yelling.
15. MYSTERY – Why doesn’t Jane confront him?
16. CREATING A FUTURE – They will be famous in the future.
17. ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE – Jane is ruining their big chance.
18. CLIFFHANGER – Jane beginning the duo act by herself.
19. UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT – Jane on stage alone.INT. BACKSTAGE – NIGHT
Jane, a dreamer and a clown, late 20s, dressed in a green dress, stares at something, trying not to cry.
She’s watching TOM, 30’s, wearing a suit. He’s charming man prone to fits of anger, and is speaking closely with a WOMAN, half hidden in the dark shadows of the backstage area. The woman laughs and touches his arm. It’s a charged moment between them. As Tom leans in to kiss her…
Jane storms away.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT
Jane enters. Tom is there, sipping a whiskey.TOM
There you are, my love.JANE
Sorry, I went to the bathroom too.TOM
Nerves?JANE
I’m feeling a little sick.TOM
We must have missed each other.JANE
Yes, we must have.TOM
I definitely missed you.He comes over and tries to kiss her. She avoids it.
JANE
You’ll ruin my make up.TOM
Can’t have that. Are you ready for the biggest moment of your lives?JANE
Can’t let anything ruin it, can we?TOM
We’re going to get signed after this. It’s you and me, all the way to the top.Jane smiles. Then looks concerned.
JANE
Oops. I forgot one of my gloves. Can you get it for me? I don’t wanna trip over a cable in the dark in these shoes.Tom bows and heads off.
Jane waits a beat… then follows.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT
Tom enters and looks up at the mirror. Written in lipstick is: I KNOW.
He turns for the door. Tries it. Locked. He yanks on the door. Banging on it.
TOM
Jane! Jane!EXT. DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT
Jane sits outside the dressing room. She opens a make up bag. Tom keeps banging on the door. Jane ignores it.
TOM
Jane! What are you doing?! This is our big moment!The woman approaches, concerned by the knocking.
Jane glares at her. “Keep walking”. The woman turns and leaves.INT. STAGE – NIGHT
The HOST, 50s, good natured extrovert, is at the microphone.
HOST
Alright, enough from me. Let’s give a warm welcome to tonight’s headlining act… Jane and Tom!The crowd applauds the next act coming out to the stage. The applause dies and then…
Jane walks out sideways. A spotlight follows her as she moves to the center of the stage. Another spotlight follows an empty space, eventually meeting up with Jane.
Jane looks up at the Talent Agent. He doesn’t look impressed. Nervous, still facing sideways, Jane clears her throat.
JANE
You’re all here to see the best comedy duo act in the city. Well it’s going to star me…Jane does a 180 degree turn revealing—
The other half of her face is made up to match Tom’s, complete with a drawn on mustache.
JANE
(As Tom)
And me!The audience laughs. Jane sees the Talent Agent smile.
JANE
Let’s get started!END OF SCENE
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