-
Day 23 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
-
9 Replies
-
Ed. Gillow Character relationships, Reveals, New Max Interest
LOGLINE: Detective uses a rainy night to interrogate two suspects who have committed a murder.
ESSENCE: How easy it is to betray someone when your butt is on the line
INT. LAPD SQUAD CAR – EVENING
Torrential downpour outside the SUV. Periodic thunder and lightning.
Chewing gum, DETECTIVE BUNZ, 40s, sits in the front seat of the vehicle.
PHILLIP WATERS, 40s, and DR. BRANDY WINE, 30s, sit next to each other in the back seat. Both are handcuffed.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Okay, here’s the deal. One of you ain’t going home tonight. I know one of you iced Mr. Water’s husband. I’m waiting on the coroner’s report right now to collaborate my hunch.
PHILLIP
Detective Bunz, this is a total misunderstanding. My late husband had a bad heart. I’m sure the coroner will confirm that.
BRANDY
I can vouch for Phil… uh Mr. Waters. I’ve treated his husband for ten years.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
You a cardiologist Dr. Wine?
Brandy nods.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
You say you treated him for ten years?
BRANDY
That’s correct.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
And you’re how old?
A rap on the window.
DETECTIVE BUNZ (CONT’D)
Hold that thought!
Bunz rolls down the window.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah?
CORONER
Definitely poison of some sort. We’re running conclusive tests now.
Bunz opens the door.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
I’m gonna step out for a bit. I’m sure you two have lots to discuss. Don’t go anywhere.
He smiles as he exits. Slams the door.
PHILLIP
They gonna be able to trace what you used?
BRANDY
No way. Abrin. Impossible to detect cause a small dose was used.
PHILLIP
Would his death have been painful?
BRANDY
Phil, we already discussed this.
PHILLIP
Oh God Brandy, what have we done?
BRANDY
We both need that insurance payout.
PHILLIP
Well, we have to get out of this pickle first. He was my husband, so I get a bigger cut.
BRANDY
Not so fast my love. I was the one who got the poison and injected him.
PHILLIP
We both had a role to play, darling.
BRANDY
Yes we did, didn’t we?
The squad front door opens, Bunz jumps in.
PHILLIP
Get what you need, Detective.
Bunz chomps on this gum, then smiles.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah, we did. You wearing that wire was a good idea.
Brandy stares at Phillip.
An evil looks comes over Phillip’s face
PHILLIP
You incredulous money grabbing bitch. Your deception never fooled me. I hope you burn.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
More like fry. Oh wait, they don’t do that anymore. Dr. Wine, you are under arrest for the murder of Willis Rivers…
BRANDY
Spare me the rest.
The torrential rain continues to pelt the squad car.
Bunz, Phillip, and Brandy sit in silence.
-
Ed: Outside use of an unusual setting to cover the interest techniques and the character traits. Liked the twist of Phillip being gay and Dr. Brandy being involved in more ways than one. Great use of subtext. Looking forward to reading your rewrite. On the rewrite critique I’ll go more in depth about the techniques. Really love how you create these atypical settings as you do these assignments. Well done!
-
Very nice twists, Edward! I think the mood you set with the rain, and the setups you used are great. Kudos. I look forward to your rewrite!
-
-
Bob Kerr: Character relationships, New Max Interest and Reveals
LOGLINE: Two members of a world renowned orchestra are trapped in a police snare
ESSENCE: Betrayal in the artistic world on smuggling.
INT: PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – MORNING
The penthouse apartment is the residence of the world renowned conductor of the Denver Symphony orchestras, PHILLIP FORTIS. He is a dashing man in his mid-forties with a mane of blond hair and stands 6 feet tall. The apartment is filled with art work and treasures from his world travels. BRANDY HOPE , is a beautifulmid-20’s woman of medium height with flaming red hair and blue eyes, is the first violinist in the orchestra and rumored to be having an affair with Phillip.
PHILLIP:
I’m think I deserve a special brunch this morning. Something sweet with a huge glass of mimosa. That is exactly what I deserve this morning.
BRANDY:
Hmm, that sounds delicious. perhaps I could bring my violin and I could entertain you whule you enjoyed your meal. Wouldn’t that be just perfect?
There is a knock n the door.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
This is the police. We’re want to talk to Phillip Fortis.
PHILLIP:
What an unfortunate disturbance. I will have to delay our little adventure. Please, let them in.
Brandy walks to the front door and opens it. She is greeted by Detective Keizer who shows his badge. His partner, DAVID POLLACK both shows their badges and Brady acknowledges them and lets them in the apartment.
BRANDY:
Whatever this is, please be quick about it. The maestro has an urgent appointment and he can’t be late.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
And you are Brandy Hope, is that correct?
BRANDY:
Naturally. I’m the first violinist in the orchestra and I’m here to escort the maestro to his appointment.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Well, the maestro is going to be a few minutes late. Maestro, can you fill in some details where you were after last nights performance?
PHILLIP:
Naturally. I went t o the reception in the gallery across from the concert hall. It is one of the things I most look forward to after a performance. Was there about an hour and then I returned to my apartment.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
You made no other stops last night?
BRANDY:
What are all these questions? The maestro is a renowned artist and is above suspicion for whatever this is.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
Entertaining position. But, we are investigating the smuggling of drugs and the maestro, has you call him, is the prime suspect. His status and travels makes him a perfect candidate for the crime.
BRANDY:
This is absurd! I was with him after the concert and we never left the apartment. I’m his alibi.
PHILLIP:
Brandy please, don’t protect me. My innocence is all that is required. Now detective, how could I possible be a suspect in this terrible crime?
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Don’t you travel with a significant amount of luggage when you perform?
PHILLIP:
Yes, I do I have to maintain appearances at all my concerts, and other appearances. I am entitled to look my best at all times. I’ve earned my reputation as one of the best dressed men in my profession.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
That’s the point. No one looks at your luggage. Your VIP status has earned you the ability to travel with immunity from inspection. Last night we got a tip that you were smuggling cocaine in one of your pieces for the trip to Europe starting tomorrow. Is that true?
PHILLIP:
It’s a command performance tour. But, I don’t pack my luggage. That is far too menial a task for me to waste my time with. All I do is leave the instructions for the wardrobe to Brandy and she makes sure everything is packed and accounted for. I feel guilty about delegating that task but I must concentrate on my work and not my packing.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
Is that true Miss Hope. You are responsible for packing the luggage?
BRANDY:
Why yes. It is part of my responsibilities as first violinist. I’m the orchestra master and I’m responsible to over see all of the equipment and luggage.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
Then you are the one who is responsible for the five kilos of cocaine we found in the luggage?
BRANDY:
No! I just took the list and packed the wardrobe. Nothing else. Why would I traffic in drugs?
I’m innocent.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
That’s not what the evidence says. You are under arrest for the smuggling of cocaine and anything you say can and will be used against you. Now turn around and put your hands behind your back.
BRANDY:
Phillip, do something. You know I’m innocent! Help me, please!
PHILLIP:
Don’t worry my dear. We’ll get this all settled. Just cooperate and go with these nice detectives and I will do everything in my power to get you out in time to leave tomorrow.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Do what you have to do sir. We’re booking her and she will be held at the downtown station..
With that the detectives take Brandy, in handcuffs, out the door All the while Brndy is proclaiming her innocence.
INT: PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – AFTERNOON
Phillip is sitting in his chair as he talks on his burner cell phone. He is drinking a glass of brandy.
PHILLIP:
That set-up worked great. The little bitch is going to languish in the justice system
while we head off to Europe and our buyers. Don’t worry about anything. If the police get suspicious, just eliminate the patsy and the media will spin as a gang situation. They don’t call me the conductor for nothing.
-
Bob! Most excellent job as always! I thought you hit many of the max interest techniques. Definitely the subtext of both characters came out. Kudos. You did a great job of showing the character traits for both characters through the dialogue. Nice setups on the relationship between Phillip and Brandy. The betrayal at the end was totally awesome. His politeness at the end of the first scene rang through the change of character with his evilness at the start of the second scene. Nice snappy dialogue helped complement many of the interest techniques. Nicely done. Definitely a screenplay in your work. Cheers!
-
I really love your situation and setup! You nailed Philip’s traits, but I see more of a protective trait in Brandy than deceptive or her subtext of lying. Since Brandy is needy, she might be imploring Phillip to help her at the end. It might be interesting to make us think both of your characters are guilty with their dialogue, even if they aren’t. Then hit us with the traitor. I look forward to your rewrite!
-
-
Denice’s QE #5 Scene
Logline: Brandy expects Phillip to get her released from prison after she lied to save him.
Essence: His plan doesn’t include forgiveness.
SCENE:
INT. COLORADO, UNDERGROUND GLASS CELL – DAY
A frown mars BRANDY DUET’S flawless face. She twenty-something. Does pushups in isolated confinement.
BRANDY
Two-hundred fifty.
She rises. Effortless. Not a drop of sweat on her.
A chime rings.
PHILLIP KING (30’s), strides through the iron doors toward her. He takes a deep breath.
Her face breaks into a relieved smile. She does a little dance.
He stands rigid. Avoids her eyes.
PHILLIP
You are beautiful. I must admit you caused me quite a quandary.
BRANDY
No, thank you for my life?
PHILLIP
I expected your, ah, cooperation.
He looks at the security camera. Leans in and whispers.
PHILLIP
Miss Duet. I’ve never seen such competence.
Confusion fills her face.
BRANDY
Will your parents accept me now?
PHILLIP
They won’t have the opportunity.
Her mouth falls open in shocked disbelief.
PHILLIP
I do feel some remorse.
BRANDY
What did you tell your parents about me?
PHILLIP
That you’ll be incarcerated here until your execution.
Her eyes flash orange. She sinks to the floor.
BRANDY
You promised we’d have a life together.
PHILLIP
You have served your purpose. I certainly don’t belong in here. His black eyes narrow.
BRANDY
I don’t understand.
PHILLIP
You misled me. I abhor aliens.
She leaps up. Glass shocks her hands. She crashes to the floor.
BRANDY
Please, Phillip. I love you.
PHILLIP
I pretended to love you.
She shrieks. Unearthly.
He retreats in disgust. Turns.
PHILLIP
Out of curiosity, what’s your other half? Tragon? Slogth? Finarian? No matter. Goodbye, Miss Duet.
Shocked, she can barely speak.
BRANDY
Don’t leave us to die. I’m pregnant with your son.
-
Denice:
Another great situation and setting. Your creativity and imagination shows through. This scene offers great insight to the interest techniques and the reveal. I look for ward to your rewrite and providing a more detailed critique of your work. Great job!
-
Thank you for your comments, Robert. Your critique really inspires me. After listening to Hal’s talk about Michael’s example, I felt that I needed more set-up/reveals in my scene and found it difficult to do with two characters. I swayed back and forth about whether or not to add another character, but decided to rewrite the scene with two. I look forward to your critique on the final.
-
-
Log in to reply.