Day 24 Assignment

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s QE Cycle #5 Second Draft

What I learned doing this assignment is that I find it very difficult to “rewrite in” the interest techniques and traits. (Subtext is easier for me). I do a lot of “prewriting” before I draft a scene. I need to note which traits will show up in which snippets of dialogue/action so when I write them, I put them in from the beginning. Even if I have to enhance them in rewrites, it’s easier if I planned to have them there from the beginning.

LOGLINE: A nanny to a wealthy tween tries to keep the boy from being arrested for shoplifting even though he did it. The boy, vengeful because she made him give the item back, tells the police that she molested him.

ESSENCE: Tweens are vicious and vengeful.

INT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – DAY

PHILLIP, a 12-yo boy in expensive clothes looks at jewelry in an upscale vintage jewelry shop.

BRANDY, his hot, 24-yo nanny has been with his family since she was an undergrad.

Phillip nudges Brandy and shows her a gaudy necklace.

BRANDY
That is gorgeous. Your mom has great

taste and I’m sure she’d love it for her birthday next week.

PHILLIP Do you like it?

The STORE MANAGER watches them closely.

BRANDY
I love it. What classy lady wouldn’t?

Brandy looks away and mock gags. Phillip slips the necklace into his jacket pocket.

They put some of the most outrageous hats on each other, laughing, obviously comfortable together. Then hang up the last of the hats.

BRANDY (CONT’D) Let’s go. I know a better place.

EXT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – CONTINUOUS

PHILLIP furtively glances down as he twiddles something in his jacket pocket.

BRANDY What is that?

Phillip pulls out the necklace with a flourish.

PHILLIP You said you liked it.

BRANDY
I do, but you have to go back in and

pay for it or give it back.

PHILLIP
It’s only $80. He won’t miss it.

They hear sirens approaching from a distance.

BRANDY
We have to go back in now, young man, and you will confess and pay for this immediately.

They stare into each other’s eyes in a showdown as the sirens draw closer.

Phillip heaves a sigh and they head back inside. INT. VINTAGE JEWELRY SHOP – CONTINUOUS

STORE OWNER
I’ve already called the police. I saw you steal the necklace.

BRANDY nudges PHILLIP who hands over a $100 dollar bill.

PHILLIP (dejected)

I’ll pay for it. Sorry. The police pull up outside the shop.

INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM – LATER

BRANDY sits at the table while a stern looking SERGEANT interrogates her.

BRANDY (brightly)

This is all a simple mistake. My employers are very prominent people. He can afford the necklace. We were joking around and he probably slipped it in his pocket the way we all pocket our phones when we need a free hand.

SERGEANT
Did you see him pocket the necklace?

BRANDY (still brightly)

No, of course not, or I would have insisted he pay for it. It was an accident.

SERGEANT
The manager has it on video.

He pays a short video from a security camera that shows Phillip checking to be sure no one is watching before pocketing the necklace.

2.

SERGEANT (CONT’D) Why do you think he stole it? A

dare? A bet?

BRANDY (faltering)

He simply forgot to pay. I hope you won’t charge him with theft. His parents will blame me and I need this job.

The sergeant grunts to signify her needs are irrelevant.

BRANDY (CONT’D)
I realize he needs to be punished or this kind of behavior will escalate, but he’s only twelve. He’ll be punished enough to ensure he never does anything like this again.

The sergeant stands to leave the room.

INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM 2 – DAY
A SECOND SERGEANT is interviewing PHILLIP.

SECOND SERGEANT
So how do you think the necklace got in your pocket?

PHILLIP
I probably dumped it in my pocket when I put my phone in to free up my hands to try on hats. Ask Brandy.

The sergeant looks irked.

SECOND SERGEANT

Show me your phone.

Phillip automatically leans forward to pull his phone out of his back pocket.

The sergeant gives him a deadpan stare. Phillip looks guilty and immediately slips the phone into his jacket pocket.

PHILLIP (whiny)

I didn’t steal the necklace. I slipped it in my pocket by accident. Can I please go home now? I have a lot of homework.

SECOND SERGEANT
This isn’t going to go away. What do you think we should do?

PHILLIP
My folks are definitely going to fire Brandy. (beat) That’s probably a good thing.

SECOND SERGEANT

Why?

Phillip looks frightened and trapped for a moment and then sneers slightly and becomes more confident.

PHILLIP Because I took it for her.

SECOND SERGEANT

Explain.

There is an awkward silence and the sergeant’s posture and expression conveys his conviction that Phillip will lie.

PHILLIP
She asked me to get her a necklace.

She knows I don’t have that kind of money, but we’re having sex and girls like presents.

SECOND SERGEANT You’re having sex? With Brandy?

That’s surprising.

PHILLIP
Why? She’s been my nanny for five years. She was still giving me my bedtime baths when she started.

The sergeant looks skeptical.

PHILLIP (CONT’D) (defensively)

She liked what she saw.
INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

SERGEANT
Are you and Phillip close?

BRANDY
Yes. I’ve been his nanny for five years.

SERGEANT
Are you having sex with him?

Brandy is flabbergasted.

BRANDY
Of course not! I have a boyfriend.

SERGEANT
He says you’re having sex.

Brandy considers that a beat.

BRANDY
Why would he make up something that absurd?

SERGEANT You said you were close.

BRANDY Not like that!

INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

The SERGEANT, SECOND SERGEANT and a POLICE CAPTAIN are confabbing in the hallway.

SERGEANT
Do we arrest him for theft? Her for sexual assault of a child? Both of them? Neither?

POLICE CAPTAIN

Phillip’s parents are rich. The lawyers will have both of them deny it and without any physical proof, the case won’t make it to trial.

SECOND SERGEANT
But what if it’s sexual assault?

POLICE CAPTAIN
Still won’t make it to trial. Was the property returned? The sergeants nod.

POLICE CAPTAIN (CONT’D) Then it seems no one took anything from anyone.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Janeen,

Impressive read. I really liked how you framed it, a privileged 12 year old and his less privileged nanny. You got in most of their character traits except for Phillip being guilt ridden. I also enjoyed the twist at the end.

Keeping this scene in the store after the jewelry had been returned and police arrive would be a small but improved setting than at the police station. Having Brandy and Phillip face to face during questioning, can ratchet up the tension, conflict, and hope and fear. Good conclusion twist at the end of your scene, but a cliff hanger will draw the reader or viewer into the next one. Another opportunity to increase conflict, hope and fear would be showing Phillip more resistant ( through dialog and action) about to returning to the store to either return the jewelry or pay for it. This would be humiliating for a privileged 12 year old boy and provide motivation for him getting even with Brandy. I see so many opportunities for you to add all of the Skill Mastery Sheet interest items to this scene. You will be surprised at how good writing like yours can be transformed into spectacular. Give it a try.

[Janeen Johnson]

Rebecca,

Thank you for your thoughtful analysis and suggestions. I had more plot than pages available and, as you pointed out, left a lot of opportunities to exploit the interest techniques more on the table. I had tidbits of all of the interest techniques included, but was at 5 pages after tweaking the traits and didn’t want to give my classmates more to read. :-> For cycle #6, I’m going to try to condense my scene to 4 pages so I will have a little room to expand/expound when rewriting.

Thanks again for pointing out specific places where I could do more in a rewrite. I really appreciate it.

Janeen

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Cycle 5 Feedback Exchange

EDITED SCENE:

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

It’s 4AM, car headlights enter a parking lot behind a high rise apartment building in a dangerous seedy area of the city. The car parks in a section with blown out lights.

INT. CAR – CONT.

PHILLIP, early twenties and preppy, shuts down the engine; BRANDY, slightly younger (blonde hair blue eyes), exits the car. She checks out the empty lot and hops into the back seat.

BRANDY

Phillip, you’ll be more comfortable back here.

She pats the back seat and runs her fingers through the hairs up the back of his neck.

PHILLIP

Why did your brother pick this place and awful hour?

BRANDY

He said all the night people pass out, and very few people in public housing head out for jobs this early. It’s quiet and peaceful

. I’m lonely back here by myself. Please.

Phillip caves and joins her in the backseat. Brandy curls up close to him.

PHILLIP

You sure he’ll show?

BRANDY

He said between 4 and 4:30. How long will you be good?

PHILLIP

Two hours.

Brandy kisses him deep and snuggles closer. Phillip puts his arm around her shoulders.

BRANDY

Philip, I was thinking.

PHILIP

That could be dangerous for you.

They both laugh.

BRANDY

(Still chuckling)

Seriously! When do I get to meet your mother? I’ve never met a Senator before.

Phillip cringes slightly

PHILLIP

Mom’s only a state senator. This will be my last hit. I promise.

Perhaps, at graduation.

Phillip smiles, Brandy brightens.

BRANDY

I can’t wait? I’ve never been close to a celebrity or anyone as rich and put together as your mother.

Phillip fakes a smile before turning serious.

PHILLIP

Bran, my habit, it’s just between you and me. Don’t ever reveal my real name, not even to your brother. If the press found out they’d have a field day. It would ruin my mom. Promise me. If I keep up my grades, I can finish first in my class. Only a month to graduation. Afterwards, I’ll get clean. Things will be good for me, for us.

Phillip shoots her a sincere loving look.

BRANDY

Sweetheart, I love you. I would never ever snitch on you to anyone. You should know that.

She picks up his hand and places it over her heart and connects with his eyes. They remain like that for a few beats. Brandy removes her sweater, no bra underneath. She replaces his hand and holds in place with hers.

BRANDY

You want to, you know, while we wait? Ever do it in the back seat?

Phillip removes both hands, kisses hers, and checks out the parking lot.

PHILLIP

No, I prefer the comfort of privacy of my bed. What if your brother catches us?

BRANDY

Danny never runs on time. (seductive look) Come on I’ll make it fun.

She unbuttons Phillips shirt and runs her hands over his chest. Phillip begins to warm. She moves down towards his jeans and unzips them. He responds.

BRANDY

Pleasure me, honey, make me sing.

A bright light flashes into the front seat and then blinds the couple. They jump apart and hurriedly rearrange their clothes.

They hear a tap on the window.

BRANDY (whispering)

Oh shit, Danny.

A second flashlight beams in on them and they hear voices. Fear freezes on Brandy’s face. Could it be thugs? Someone tries the door on Phillips side, finds it unlocked, and opens it. The man with the flashlight beams the light on himself. The flashlight on the other side of the car illuminates the partially dressed Phillip and Brandy. It’s the POLICE.

OFFICER 1

Get out of the car NOW.

Brandy zaps on her sweater. Phillip zips his jeans. The both exit the car. The second officer joins the group and stands between the couple and the car.

OFFICER 1

What are you doing HERE?

Brandy becomes flippant at being caught in a compromising position. Phillip retains his cool.

BRANDY

What the hell do you think we were doing?

OFFICER 1

That’s, but why here in this parking space, behind this building in an unsafe neighborhood at…

Officer checks his watch.

OFFICER 1 (CONT.)

At 4:15 AM in the morning?

The officer flashes his light on Phillip’s stupid embarrassed grin but the young man remains silent.

BRANDY

Do you think we’d do it while driving? That’s crazy, it would cause an accident. We got heated up, so stopped. Didn’t to get arrested for diddling and driving.

She laughs at her own joke. Officer 2 flashes a light into her eyes. Brandy squints.

OFFICER 2

Cut the crap girlie. How old are you?

BRANDY

Twenty one.

Phillip finally speaks up.

PHILLIP

Yes, officer, she’s twenty-one.

Both officers motion the couple to in front of the headlights of the patrol car. They oblige. Officer 1 glares at Brandy, his voice rough.

OFFICER 1

Again, why did you originally park in a neighborhood that hates privileged white folk? You’re lucky we came by.

Brandy gets nervous.

BRANDY

We’re here to meet up with my brother. He sent me a text to meet him in this exact spot and that he’d be here between 4 and 4:30. He’s driving from Newport News.

The officer looks like he’s not buying it. Brandy’s mind races. at She points up at a window in the apartment building.

BRANDY (CONT.)

My brother lived here. His girlfriend kicked him out.

She looks towards Phillip.

OFFICER 1

No whites live in that building.

BRANDY (CONT.)

Danny and me have different mothers. He asked Creed and me to help him get his personal belongings from, ugh, Lucretia.

The officer shakes his head with disbelief. He looks towards Phillip.

OFFICER 1

At a known drug transaction sight, girlfriends, are always quick to protect their scum ball boyfriends.

Brandy moves in close to Phillip and puts a protective arm around him.

BRANDY

Phil’s not a scum ball. He’s a good boyfriend. Smart, goes to college, prominent family.

Phillip squirms and moves slightly away.

PHILLIP

Brandy, tell the truth. It’s ok. They’re on to us. Stop with the lies.

Both officers stand waiting, one hand on hip the other on gun handles. Brandy, frightened, begins to shake.

BRANDY

(Agitated)

Ok, Ok. We’re here to meet a drug dealer, make a buy. Phillip has a problem, ran out medicine.

OFFICER 2

Is the drug dealer your brother? You said you were meeting him here?

BRANDY

(Rattled)

No, my God. He lives in the building. What time is it?

OFFICER 2

4:25.

OFFICER 1

I need to see some ID.

PHILLIP

Yes, Sir. My wallets in the front cup holder. Brandy’s purse on the floor of the passenger side.

Officer 2 to grabs the wallet and purse from the car. He hands the wallet to Phillip and the purse to Officer 1.

OFFICER 1

Please hand me your drivers license.

Philip complies. The officer checks the ID and chuckles. Phillip looks down. The officer holds up Brandy’s large purse.

BRANDY

It’s in my billfold.

Officer 1 rummages through the purse and comes up with a square flowered zippered make up bag along with the matching wallet. He hands the wallet to Brandy who gives him her ID. Officer 1 hands it to Officer 2 who looks at it and returns it to Brandy.

OFFICER 2

Interesting.

Officer 1 unzips the makeup bag. His face lights up.

OFFICER 1

And what do we find in here? Is this your makeup bag?

BRANDY

(Combative)

No, never saw it before.

Phillip looks surprised, the officer disgusted.

PHILLIP

Brandy, stop it with the lies. She carries a hit kit and NARCAN for me.

Officer 1 hands the drug-kit to Officer 2 who looks inside, secures it in an evidence bag, and takes it to the patrol car. Officer 1 reads Brandy her rights. Officer 2 returns with a pair of handcuffs and cuffs Brandy. She screams, kicks, and cries as they put her into the patrol car. They drive off and Phillip returns to his car and cries out his guilt.

EXT. PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Car lights speed into the lot. Phillip gets out and waits by his car. The other car stops close. DANNY, bi-racial African-American, gets out.

PHILLIP

You’re late.

DANNY

Where’s my sister?

PHILLIP

She had other plans.

Danny checks out the parking lot. Still no activity.

DANNY

You got the money?

PHILLIP

Yes.

He holds up a wad of bills.

PHILLIP

Now, let me see the goods.

Danny opens the bag, Phillip examines the contents.

PHILLIP

Three hundred, that right?

DANNY

Six. That’s pharmaceutical grade.

Phillip peels of six bills from the wad and hands it to Danny. Danny examines the bill before handing the purchase to Phillip. Phillip gets into his car, and drives towards the parking lot entrance and suddenly stops.

Four screaming patrol cars, lights flashing, speed past him and surround Danny’s car. Phillip watches as Danny and his accomplice get cuffed and placed into a patrol car that speeds off.

Phillip backs up his car, exits, and walks over to a detective. He hands him the bag. Men in the background search Danny’s car.

PHILLIP

Hi Tim, here’s your evidence.

TIM

We finally nailed that slimy a-hole. Vindication at last, for my kid brother.

PHILLIP

Jake didn’t deserve to die so young.

TIM

Thanks Phil, great work.

They man-hug. Tim looks towards the group searching the car.

TIM

What you find?

OFFICER

The mother load…cash, drugs, and firearms.

Tim smiles like he just won the lottery.

TIM

Go home Phil, get some rest. Come by the precinct tomorrow around eleven for a debriefing.

PHILLIP

Any word on Brandy?

TIM

Singing like a bird. Most likely she’ll be eligible for bond tomorrow afternoon.

Tim hesitates.

TIM (CONT.)

Her brother’s a drug lord so it will be in the press. I’ve alerted Aunt Mim to be prepared. I promised her that we’ll try to keep your real name out it, no guarantees.

PHILLIP

I understand. It’s my last buy and bust, law school this fall. You know a good bail bondsman?

END OF SCENE

[Janeen Johnson]

Lots of twists, surprises, betrayals and other interest techniques used. I saw a lot of the traits used for Brandy as well (status seeking regarding Phillip’s mom, and the rest were more obvious).

Phillip’s guilt-ridden trait showed up well when he was trying to keep his mom’s name out of it. I t think that’s been a hard one to work in, but you did it well. His other traits were more obvious. Good job!

[Don Thompson]

Don Thompson – QE #5 – REWRITE OF PREVIOUS SCENE

(also posted in #25)

Logline: It’s 1970, and a prostitute and her pimp are raided by the New York City police only to reveal that corruption and betrayal exist on many levels.

Essence: There is often no moral core in modern society.

Inside a dingy New York City apartment in Queens, BRANDY (25) sits on a couch and watches television while smoking a cigarette. In the kitchen, PHILLIP (30) looks at a drawer with a large baggy of cocaine. Phillip closes the drawer and SHOUTS to Brandy.

PHILLIP: Do you love me?

BRANDY: Sort of.

PHILLIP: Do you need me?

BRANDY: Always.

PHILLIP: I deserve to be both loved and needed. In fact, you owe me for that.

Brandy looks his way and squashes her cigarette in an ashtray. Then she gets up and switches the TV channel.

Then she turns to him and converses with him while still watching the TV.

BRANDY: You’re so full of shit. You’re the one that owes me! Like about five thousand dollars!

She returns to the chair and sits. On the TV plays JEOPARDY.

PHILLIP: How can you watch that garbage?

BRANDY: How can you not love Jeopardy? It’s so educational. Watch this show for six months and you’ll have a Ph.D.

PHILLIP: Sure thing, doc. I’ll sign up for your first class at NYU!

BRANDY: Don’t put it beyond me. I’m smarter than you think. I might just go back to college and become a professor. I have an IQ of 145.

PHILLIP: According to who?

BRANDY: According to the Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scale.

PHILLIP: And what the hell is that?

BRANDY: If you were smart you would know.

Beat. Brandy turns off the TV and speaks to Phillip.

BRANDY: I’m sorry, come on over and sit with me.

PHILLIP: Only if you treat me good.

BRANDY: I’ll treat you better than good.

Phillip walks over to the couch and sits. He turns to her, they hold each other.

PHILLIP: Do you need me?

BRANDY: I said I need you.

PHILLIP: Do you love me?

BRANDY: I love you to the moon.

PHILLIP: Do I deserve it?

BRANDY: Maybe.

They kiss.

PHILLIP: I deserve the world. You know that. I know that. Anyone that treats you with such respect deserves the world.

BRANDY: I’d be happier if you paid me my five thousand dollars on time.

Phillip looks down with a sense of shame, gets up from the couch, strolls back to the kitchen, turns toward her.

PHILLIP (with some regret): Ok, I’m sorry about that, honey, really. But I have my reasons for managing your money.

BRANDY: Yeah, because you’re a control freak and an asshole.

PHILLIP: Yes – but I am also the only pimp in New York that says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

Just then there is a LOUD KNOCK on the door. TWO POLICE OFFICERS (35, 40) stand outside the door to the apartment.

POLICE: Ok, open up! NYPD at your service!

Phillip jumps up and runs to the door.

PHILLIP: Let me handle this.

Phillip goes to the door and opens it. Brandy retreats to the kitchen and lights a cigarette.

PHILLIP: How may I help you, officers?

OFFICER ONE: Let us in.

PHILLIP: Do you have a warrant?

OFFICER TWO: We don’t need a warrant.

The two officers enter the apartment. Brandy looks on.

BRANDY: He’s innocent!

PHILLIP: And so is she!

OFFICER ONE: I’m sure you both are — you’re the picture of innocence!

PHILLIP: Just because I look guilty doesn’t mean I am guilty.

The two officers move around the apartment and start rummaging.

Phillip has moved to the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer in the kitchen where the cocaine is.

Officer Two approaches him.

OFFICER TWO: Step aside, please.

PHILLIP: Show me your warrant, please.

Officer One steps behind Officer Two. They both look at Phillip in an intimidating way.

OFFICER ONE: You’re a pimp and we’ve been receiving a lot of complaints about you and the girlie from the neighbors.

PHILLIP: Ah… don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I’m a businessman. I run a reputable business. (looks to Brandy) Don’t I, honey?

BRANDY: He is the most reputable man I know other than my father!

OFFICER TWO: That’s rich. And who’s your father?

BRANDY: He owns a bank. And he is rich, actually.

Beat. Both of the cops look at each other and smile.

Both officers open and close cabinets in the kitchen, looking for something.

OFFICER ONE (to Phillip): Where is it?

PHILLIP: What?

OFFICER ONE: The stash.

PHILLIP: How much do you want?

OFFICER TWO: What do you mean?

PHILLIP: I mean, we’ll give you part of the stash, and we’ll call it even. You can go about your business. Sell it to your neighbors.

BRANDY: There is no stash!

OFFICER ONE (to Brandy): Sit down honey. Keep your mouth shut and you’ll get out of this without any issues.

Brandy sits on the couch.

OFFICER TWO: Let me look in that drawer.

PHILLIP: Again, with all due respect, officer, you don’t have a warrant.

Officer One grabs Phillip and shoves him aside. Officer Two opens the drawer. He grabs the bag of cocaine and holds it up.

OFFICER TWO: Wow. Quite a little find here!

PHILLIP: I didn’t know that was here, honest! I’m a reputable businessman!

BRANDY: He’s telling the truth!

Officer One turns Phillip around and handcuffs him.

OFFICER ONE: Come on, let’s go.

Officer one walks Phillip out of the apartment.

PHILLIP (to Brandy): I’ll be back in an hour.

BRANDY: Don’t hurt him!

Officer One leads Phillip outside.

Officer two stays behind and turns to Brandy.

OFFICER TWO: You Ok honey?

BRANDY: I’m fine.

OFFICER TWO: You did good.

Officer two reaches into his pocket and grabs an envelope full of cash, handing it to Brandy.

OFFICER TWO: It’s your first step toward independence.

BRANDY: Will I see you later?

OFFICER TWO: Absolutely. Tomorrow at the time we set up.

Officer Two puts his hand up to Brandy’s cheek.

OFFICER TWO: You did good.

BRANDY: Sure.

Officer two leaves.

BRANDY: Don’t sell it all at once.

OFFICER TWO: I’m not selling it. The boys love a good high. Makes the night shift easier.

Brandy nods.

Officer Two leaves.

Outside, Officer One has put Phillip in the back of their squad car. Once Officer Two is in the car, he turns to Phillip, takes a notebook from Phillip’s pocket.

Officer two looks through the notebook, focuses on one of the pages, and photographs it.

OFFICER TWO (to Phillip): You did good.

OFFICER ONE: She’s got an appointment later with one of her Daddy’s friends.

PHILLIP: The politician dude…

OFFICER TWO: The mayoral candidate.

Officer reaches to Phillip, uncuffs him.

OFFICER ONE: We’ll let you off at the station. Once we get this asshole cuffed tonight, and the Times is informed and splashes it all over the headlines, your job is done.

PHILLIP: And what about her?

OFFICER TWO: She’ll get six months, max. Then we’ll get her in the hands of a good shrink – which is what her father wants. She really shouldn’t be on the street. She comes from a good family. She’s a little screwy in the head. Maybe seeking publicity in a weird way. She’s sure gonna get it.

PHILLIP: Yeah, sure.

The squad car drives off.

END OF SCENE

[James Hernandez]

Rewrite for QE Cycle #5 Scene

Logline: A talent agent attempts to save his potential client from arrest, but ultimately learns he’s the one who’s going to need saving.

Essence: Sometimes the innocent can be a cover for danger and evil.

Scene:

INT. EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT – NIGHT

The late night PATRONS wearing luxury from head to toe are scattered throughout the open air establishment. These are the folks with the biggest bank accounts.

PHILLIP (55), attempting to control his anxiety, talks to a STOUT POLICE OFFICER and a WIRY POLICE OFFICER.

Witnessing the exchange is BRANDY (22) who appears worried at the attention she’s getting from the remaining patrons. She holds her cell phone ready to send out a text at any moment.

PHILLIP

I assure you gentlemen, this is just a huge misunderstanding. I do deserve the benefit of the doubt.

The stout officer strokes his chin, skeptical.

PHILLIP

Look at her. Is that what a common criminal looks like?

They face Brandy as she pouts and immediately buries her head into her cell phone and types.

PHILLIP

Gentlemen, I know your situation. But here’s mine…

Brandy is in the middle of a cell phone chat. The message reads:

“Two cops only. Seems like no more will show up.”

PHILLIP

…I can either give her a lucrative contract and hope I don’t lose millions. Or, I can let her go, and hope I don’t regret it later. Either way, it doesn’t mesh for me. Do you see where I’m at?

STOUT OFFICER

Sounds like you’re in a pickle.

BRANDY

Please, I want to be one of the top singers in the world.

PHILLIP

Gentlemen, are you going to deny this talent from blossoming?

BRANDY

With my first million as a superstar, I plan on helping all the children of the world as their ambassador.

Outside in a wooded area, a MAN DRESSED IN BLACK with a clear view into the restaurant, focuses on his cell phone. His return message reads:

“We’re going to take them all out.”

Brandy reads the message and then CRIES uncontrollably.

PHILLIP

You see how this plight is ruining her. And it’s gonna be all my fault. All my fault.

WIRY OFFICER

We can clear this up at the station.

Brandy continues to text:

“We have little time left.”

PHILLIP

I’ve been a model citizen all my life. Do you know what this will do to my business? To my investors?

A WOMAN PATRON gets up from her table and in mid stride drops to the plush carpet. THUD!

The surrounding customers collectively GASP at the sight. A WAITER darts to the woman to give first aide.

PHILLIP

Officers, that seems to need more attention than us.

STOUT OFFICER

You stay put. We’ll radio in an ambulance.

The wiry officer gets on his radio and relays instructions.

PHILLIP

(to Brandy)

You can try helping a bit. Instead of chatting with your fans.

BRANDY

Things would be different if I had my contract.

PHILLIP

You have to earn it, my dear.

Brandy acknowledges that as a challenge, hops onto a small stage and grabs the microphone.

BRANDY

Ladies and gentlemen. Listen to these vocal cords. I hope you enjoy.

Brandy HUMS a song, which causes everyone to rotate to her. She captures complete undivided attention.

Set up outside, CROSSHAIRS move sharply showing the police officers and Phillip in its scope.

BRANDY

Is everyone enjoying the melody? Let me know. I would greatly appreciate it.

Phillip grows more frustrated and turns to the officers.

PHILLIP

Please tell me what’s the charge? You haven’t even stated a charge.

STOUT OFFICER

Miss lady singer there was seen brandishing a weapon with a suspicious individual in the parking lot.

WIRY OFFICER

That’s cause for an investigation. Given today’s climate, we need to pursue this. And since you associate with her, you’re also coming with us.

At this moment, a NAKED WOMAN is chased by a NAKED MAN who run towards the restaurant’s parking area and jump into a car.

A few folks shake their heads as others look away, mortified.

PHILLIP

You’re not going to do anything about that? And you’re treating us model citizens like felons.

STOUT OFFICER

It was a quick peep show.

WIRY OFFICER

They’ll be fine by themselves.

BRANDY

Ladies and gentlemen, I will be the next superstar!

STOUT OFFICER

OK, Miss Superstar, it’s time to go.

PHILLIP

My word this can’t happen. It can’t happen. I’m about to lose millions! Me!

WIRY OFFICER

Wow. Listen to you. I thought you cared about Miss Superstar over there. What are your priorities?

STOUT OFFICER

(to Brandy)

Get down! Now!

A VAN pulls up outside. The DRIVER signals the assassin dressed in black who creeps up to the restaurant.

Brandy eases herself off the stage and checks her cell phone:

“Great job. We’re moving in.”

DRIVER

She’s gonna make a valuable asset for our order.

In the rear of the van, TWO BACKUP ASSASSINS prepared to deploy nod in agreement as they clutch their rifles.

BRANDY

I was adopted. I’m a special needs person.

STOUT OFFICER

Bad excuse, Miss Superstar.

BANG! A thunderous blast from a rifle makes everyone jump for cover.

The police officers reach for their guns.

ASSASSIN

No! Not today! Hands up!

Phillip and the officers raise their arms.

BRANDY

He’s the one who’s holding me back.

Brandy points to Phillip.

PHILLIP

After everything I’ve done for you?! I believe in you!

The two backup assassins secure the perimeter as no one moves an inch.

ASSASSIN

We’re gonna be collecting from every single one of you.

Brandy positions herself beside the assassin who aims at Phillip.

ASSASSIN

Final test, accomplished.

He hands her a Glock 9mm which she skillfully handles.

BRANDY

Now we can really negotiate my contract.

Phillip and the police officers swallow a lump.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Great Job with this. Checkmarks in almost all the boxes providing for an enjoyable read. The only trait missing was Phillip being guilt ridden but that could be fixed in a few lines of dialog. Change the setting to a large auditorium and giving Brandy the opportunity to belt out a song creating a America’s Got Talent moment with the audience (hope of fame) would make your ending even more spectacular and create a bigger cliff hanger. These are just mote points. Impressive.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Douglas Ryan]

Doug Ryan QE#5- Rewrite

What I learned was the brainstorming helped me move through the interest techniques. After I got the first draft done I ended up writing more to the scene and then taking some dialogue out. I actually posted my second draft on the previous forum. So this is more like a 3rd draft. I am finding it easier to get more interest techniques into scenes now on first draft.

EXT. LOADING DOCK POST OFFICE – DAY

BRANDY, 40’S in USPS uniform stands next to a cart and puffs on her vape. She watches as a carrier truck speeds past the dock. Inside she sees PHILLIP 20’S, he looks at her as well.

Brandy nods in his direction and he nods in hers. He exits his truck and darts up to her. He is short much shorter than Brandy.

PHILLIP

All done with your route?

She puffs her vape and blows it in his face. He coughs and winces.

BRANDY

Hell no. I gotta go talk to some postal cop. Gonna cost me my EOM.

She looks at him accusingly. He looks away and then goes in to whisper in her ear.

PHILLIP

You know me, I would never drop dime. Your photo will be up.

Brandy narrows her eyes and puts her hand on her hip.

BRANDY

Um, hum. I believe dat. Well I gotta go talk to this guy. You keep your ears open, this some shit.

He nods and looks nervous, but puffs out his chest and lifts his head high.

PHILLIP

Don’t worry B, I have it under control. I got this, you slay queen!

Brandy looks at him unimpressed. She shakes her head and walks into the building. He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh.

INSPECTOR TODD, 35 steps from around the corner. He towers over Phillip.

INSPECTOR TODD

Hi I’m Inspector Dan Todd.

Phillip has a blank deer in headlights stare. Todd moves closer and pulls out a recording device.

INSPECTOR TODD

Well you were adamant about telling your side of the events first.

Phillip looks around to see if anyone is watching him.

PHILLIP

Sure lets go talk in my truck.

INT. POST OFFICE-BACK ROOM – LATER

Brandy sits next to a small desk in a grungy office. There is a mail cart outside the door overflowing. She stares at the first 3 rows are all FBI’s most wanted.

INSPECTOR TODD (O.S.)

Recognize someone?

Brandy spins around to see Todd at the door.

BRANDY

Why you guys looking for new recruits? I could use a new pay grade.

Todd rolls his eyes as he shuts the door and makes his way to the seat in front of Brandy.

INSPECTOR TODD

Lets see how this goes.

Brandy’s eyes dart over to the door. Todd looks at the door.

INSPECTOR TODD

Expecting someone?

BRANDY

Naw. So whats up I got a route and lunch to get back to.

Todd pulls out the recording device and sets it on the desk. He turns it on as he sits and crosses his legs. He is sitting almost perfectly straight with his hand on the desk.

Brandy eyes his posture and does the opposite, sitting with her legs stretched. She is almost leaning out of the chair.

INSPECTOR TODD

This is inspector Dan Todd US postal inspector five one zero three eight. It is October 19th 2020. I am interviewing Carrier Brandy Smalls about an incident on September 30th involving another carrier Phillip Stonewall.

Brandy’s eyebrows raise and she sits up a bit, with a smile.

BRANDY

So where Phil at?

INSPECTOR TODD

He’ll be in, in a minute. I wanted to get your version of what happened on September 30th.

Brandy stares at the recorder and takes a deep breath. She turns to Todd and lets out the breath as she speaks.

BRANDY

So you know i’m doing my thing on my route. And then out of nowhere I sees this truck like. Going super slow behind the Walmart. I don’t know what it was but I knew they was shady.

Inspector Todd narrows his eyes in fascination at her story.

INSPECTOR TODD

So you deviated from your route to follow this truck?

She throws her hands up in a grand gesture, becoming animated. Moving around in her chair and using her arms to tell the story.

BRANDY

Yeah man. I was like “Yo” Cuz I heard about them dumping those things and I’m like,

Todd cuts her off.

INSPECTOR TODD

Dumping what things?

BRANDY

Votes dummy. I’m like “not on my watch.”

She throws her hands out and grabs her crotch. Todd laughs at her antics.

INSPECTOR TODD

So who did you see in the truck?

She looks to the side and squints her eyes. Todd looks at the door.

INSPECTOR TODD

Phill come on in.

The door opens and in steps Phillip. He looks at Brandy and she eyes him.

BRANDY

Speak of the devil.

PHILLIP

Hello everyone.

INSPECTOR TODD

Hi. Please sit over there.

Todd points to the other side of the desk. Phillip makes his way to the chair and sit. He is visibly nervous and keeps looking around, purposely avoids making eye contact.

BRANDY

What up Phill! Why you creeping like a mug?

Phillip makes eye contact and quickly looks at the desktop.

PHILLIP

Hey Brandy, sorry about all this.

Todd drums his fingers on the desk.

INSPECTOR TODD

Philip Stonewall has entered the room and now we will get his version of the event.

BRANDY

Yo, I didn’t finish my version.

PHILLIP

Yo Brandy it’s all good. I already gave him the 411.

Brandy shifts in her seat to look at Phillip. Her ice cold stare is felt by Phillip even though he is looking down at the desk.

BRANDY

Wait what 411? (To Todd) What this motherfucka say?

INSPECTOR TODD

Shut it. Go ahead Phill, in your own words and time.

PHILLIP

Well it’s like I told you earlier. I went round to the spot where Brandy said to meet me and…

BRANDY

What!? This some bullshit!

INSPECTOR TODD

Brandy! Please continue Phillip.

He sighs and looks at the other two in the room.

BRANDY

Yeah Phill go on with your fucking lies.

INSPECTOR TODD

HEY! Enough!

Brandy throws her hands up.

PHILLIP

Well she was at the spot and well she had the whole thing set up. There was a makeshift bed and she even set up a camera.

Brandy’s eyes widen and her mouth drops wide open. Todd sees this and his look stops her from making a sound.

PHILLIP

Well, she closed the van and turned on the cam. And, we had sex. Right there on all the mail

He begins to cry. Brandy is stunned and laughs while clapping.

PHILLIP

I don’t know why but it was a fetish for her, not me.

Phillip sniffles and runs his arm across his nose wiping the snot away. He uses the back of his hand to clear his tears.

Brandy jumps out of her seat and starts pointing her hands at the two men in the room.

BRANDY

Bullshit motherfucker! It was you throwing them votes away!

INSPECTOR TODD

You sit down now!

BRANDY

I’ll sit but you show him the video Mr. Postman!

Inspector Todd pulls out his phone and plays a video, showing it to Phillip. Brandy sits and flips off Phillip as he looks at the video. His eyes widen and face drops as he watches.

INSPECTOR TODD

Care to revise your statement before I read you your rights?

[Monica Arisman]

LESSON 24: QE Cycle #5: Re-Write This Scene

LOGLINE: In order to clean up the rampant drug trafficking Toronto police send undercover officers in to nightclubs to discover the source.

ESSENCE: Don’t always believe what your eyes tell you.

SCENE:

INT. NOISY TORONTO NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

BRANDY and PHILLIP are dancing to the Rolling Stones song, I (Can’t Get No) Satisfaction. Brandy, 20s, sexy, gyrates around Phillip, 40s, devilishly handsome, well-dressed, too old to be a stoner, shuffles his feet out of time with the beat.

The dance floor is crowded. The music loud. Brandy shimmies up to Phillip. Gyrating up and down and all around him. Traces her finger up and down his arm and across his shoulder. She dances behind him. As she dances around him she presses her body against him. Slips something into his pocket.

BRANDY

(into Phillip’s ear)

So when are we going to your place. I really need to get laid.

PHILLIP

Look….what’s your name?

BRANDY

Brandy.

PHILLIP

Brandy, you don’t even know me. I’m probably old enough to be your father. It wouldn’t be right for me to take advantage of you like that.

BRANDY

It could be fun. You won’t be disappointed. I’ve always wanted to be laid by an older man.

PHILLIP

How reassuring. But you’re not my type. You’re way too young.

BRANDY

Well why are you dancing with me?

PHILLIP

To be polite. You asked and I said sure.

BANG, BANG, BANG.

VOICE (O.S.)

POLICE! Everyone down.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM 1 – NIGHT

Brandy slouches in her chair. Her hands are cuffed to the metal bars embedded in the table. One of her legs jumps up and down. She turns her head to take in the room. She looks straight at the big wall mirror and runs her tongue over her lips. Winks at the mirror.

Phillip is also cuffed to the table. He leans into the table, eyes also taking in the room.

PHILLIP

Don’t bother. They may or may not be in there.

BRANDY

Why are we here?

PHILLIP

Wrong place at the wrong time sugar.

BRANDY

I’m not your sugar.

PHILLIP

Really?! An hour ago you wanted sex with me.

The door opens. DETECTIVE SOPHIE MILLER, late-40s, fit, attractive and DETECTIVE PAUL HARRISON, 50s, army fit, distinguished looking, follows Miller in. Miller takes a seat at the table. Harrison stands with his back to the door. He looks straight at Brandy and runs his tongue over his lips. She cringes.

DETECTIVE MILLER

You’ve both been read your rights?

Brandy and Phillip nod yes.

DETECTIVE MILLER

You’re charged with possession of a controlled substance for the purpose of trafficking.

BRANDY

How’d you figure that?

DETECTIVE MILLER

The quantity.

BRANDY

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t have any controlled substance on me.

Harrison steps away from the door. He withdraws a small baggie full of white powder. The baggie is inside an evidence bag. He plops it on the table.

DETECTIVE HARRISON

You’re saying this isn’t yours?

BRANDY

That’s what I’m saying.

Harrison looks to Phillip.

PHILLIP

Not mine, sir.

Harrison snorts.

DETECTIVE MILLER

I wonder then, how did it get inside your purse Ms Betts. Any ideas?

BRANDY

In my purse. It wasn’t in my purse. I’m a nice girl. I don’t do drugs. Ask my mom.

DETECTIVE MILLER

Mother’s aren’t reliable character witnesses.

BRANDY

Does this mean, I’m going to be famous?

DETECTIVE MILLER

Being arrested, convicted and sent to jail doesn’t make you famous. It makes you infamous.

BRANDY

But that’s the same thing, right?

Miller shakes her head.

DETECTIVE MILLER

No. It’s not the same thing.

PHILLIP

Ma’am, I’m sure if she says someone put it in her purse, someone did.

DETECTIVE MILLER

Like you, maybe?

PHILLIP

No, ma’am. Why would I do that? I have no criminal record.

DETECTIVE MILLER

Then why were you at the nightclub notorious for drugs and prostitution?

PHILLIP

To relax. I’ve been much stressed lately.

DETECTIVE MILLER

So you thought to get high, get laid, stress gone?

PHILLIP

No, ma’am.

A knock at the door. Harrison opens it a crack. He has a whispered conversation with the person on the other side. He closes the door holding a piece of paper. Harrison walks over to the table and puts it in front of Miller.

DETECTIVE MILLER

Well isn’t this interesting.

She looks from one to the other. She beckons to someone on the other side of the mirror. Harrison steps to one side of the door. The door opens.

DETECTIVE MILLER

Brandy Betts you’ll go with these fine Toronto police officers to the holding cell.

BRANDY

What do you mean? I’m innocent.

DETECTIVE MILLER

Your fingerprints are all over the baggie. Only your fingerprints. I suggest you call your lawyer. Or your daddy.

The two officer’s un-cuff Brandy from the table. She struggles between them. Then tries to dig her heels into the carpet.

BRANDY

You can’t do this to me. Don’t you know who I am?

DETECTIVE MILLER

Do enlighten us.

BRANDY

The mayor’s daughter. He’s not going to be pleased you arrested his daughter.

DETECTIVE HARRISON

I know the mayor personally. He doesn’t have a daughter.

Harrison comes over to her. Looks her up and down.

DETECTIVE HARRISON

I hear you like your men older.

He rubs his crotch. Then, hikes her skirt over her hips. Revealing a garter.

DETECTIVE HARRISON

Get that garter tested.

BRANDY

This is police harassment. You can’t do this to me.

The officer’s pick her up by her arms and escort out of the room. Brandy starts cursing like a sailor all the way down the hall.

Silence. Harrison comes over and un-cuffs Phillip from the table. He rubs his wrists.

PHILLIP

I hate doing that. You can do it next time Sophie.

DETECTIVE MILLER

But you’re her type. Daddy figure with that salt and pepper hair. And you play the rich playboy so well. What would you have done if she wanted to go home with you? Your wife wouldn’t have welcomed a threesome.

PHILLIP

Made out in the back of the Porsche.

DETECTIVE HARRISON

The police Porsche?!

PHILLIP

(examines his nails)

The same. And don’t worry about Millie, she’s gay.

(stands)

Now I really must be going.

DETECTIVE HARRISON

I don’t think so. Sit down.

Harrison takes the baggie. And a case from his pocket. He prepares a syringe of cocaine.

PHILLIP

What are you doing?

DETECTIVE HARRISON

You’ve become a problem. So you’re going to get a shot of this. Then I’m going to rape that little bitch. And arrange it so it looks like a murder suicide.

PHILLIP

(sits)

Not just wait a minute.

Phillip reaches under the table. Pulls a glock on both Miller and Harrison. Miller starts to pull hers from her shoulder holster.

PHILLIP

I don’t think so.

DETECTIVE MILLER

I thought he was searched?

(beat)

You don’t have the guts.

PHILLIP

Who wants to go first?

Without waiting for an answer he shoots.

[Carol Paur]

Carol Paur’s Rewrite Cycle #5

What I learned is take each line of dialogue to see where you can add more of the character’s traits.

Logline: A woman who tries to help a man stay out of prison is convicted herself.

Essence: Don’t cheat to help others.

EXT. SUPER VALUE MOTEL – MORNING

BRANDY, in her 60s, with heavy lines on her tanned face, her dried-out blond locks swooped up into a messy ponytail, exits Room 505 but re-opens the door and looks in.

BRANDY

(singing)

You light up my life!

She blows a kiss.

BRANDY

I’ll see you tonight.

She is lugging a large tote bag and marches down the steps to enter her Nissan.

INT. NISSAN

Brandy’s phone beeps.

BRANDY

Hope it’s the newspaper wanting an interview. About time they start paying attention to me.

She taps it on.

BRANDY

Yeah. Jail? You better be hung over on smoothies. I work my fingers to the bone for you. I was up all night after my party taking care of all the details for your run for Mr. Hunk.

She looks back at the hotel room and grins.

BRANDY

You stole Jake Reynolds’ crown? He showed up at my party wearing it. Can you believe that? Brought a whole entourage of celebrities to my humble little abode. I hope People Magazine was covering it.

She pauses.

BRANDY

Let me see if I can talk some sense into those people down there. A few white lies won’t hurt anyone.

INT. PO-DUNK JAIL – DAY

PHILLIP, a handsome man in his 60s, is sitting on a cot in a jail cell, when an OFFICER pushes in another INMATE. Phillip stands up and gestures to the cot.

PHILLIP

Please, have a seat. It’s not very comfortable. The bathroom is over there.

He points to the sad toilet in the corner.

INMATE

Humph.

The Inmate lies down on the cot.

PHILLIP

(grins)

What brings you in here?

INMATE

(Grunts)

PHILLIP

What do you have to do to get a decent meal around here? I’m in a contest. Judges are going to know right away if I’m off my diet.

INMATE

(Grunts)

PHILLIP

I don’t eat carbs. They add flab. You know I used to be fifty pounds heavier. It was Twinkies. I sneaked them in between meals and late at night.

INMATE

I’m not a damn priest.

Phillip pats his washer-board stomach then looks at the floor, wet and filthy.

PHILLIP

I’m also going to need some kind of mat so I can do my calisthenics. I didn’t do them this morning. I can feel the Twinkie flab starting to grow back on me.

INMATE

(Grunts)

Phillip arches his eyes and looks out the cell into the desolate hallway.

PHILLIP

Don’t you know who I am? I do commercials for Scrubbie-Clean Dentures. I don’t have dentures so… Well. They wanted a tan, fit male model. You’re not going to rat me out, are you?

INMATE

I’m trying to sleep.

BRANDY (O.S.)

Oh, where is he? He’s not getting beaten up or raped, is he? I’ve worked my fingers off the bones to get him where he is today.

Brandy appears and pushes her arms through the cell.

SOUND: Wolf whistle.

Brandy smiles, waves, and bows deeply before diverting her attention back to Phillip.

Phillip locks his fingers into Brandy’s. They try smooching through the bars. They separate.

PHILLIP

I’m feeling horrible. Did you get the stuff I needed?

BRANDY

Oh, yeah, he had tons of mousse and spray tan. And the shampoo? You’ll be the best looking contestant on stage…as long as this little arrest doesn’t get publicized.

PHILLIP

How could they even think I’d steal Reynolds’ crown? Me? I mean, I have been lusting after it for some time. All those jewels. Is envy the same as stealing?

BRANDY

Phillip, I’ve been working day and night to make sure you win this contest. You’ll get your own crown, you don’t have to envy anyone else’s piece of head-jewelry. I wish I had had someone helping me when I had gone out for Ms. Glamor. Nope. I wasn’t the right type the managers told me.

PHILLIP

Can’t you talk to someone? This place is terrible. I’m not guilty. How could they even think it was me? Then they locked me up with these…

He looks over at the inmate, snoring away on his cot.

BRANDY

I’ll take care of everything.

INT. POLICE STATION – CHIEF’S OFFICE

MARY PIPPENS, in her 40s, types away at the computer, when Brandy opens the door and enters.

MARY PIPPENS

Processing is down the hall.

Brandy sits in a chair and smiles. Mary frowns.

BRANDY

I was over 50 by the time I could afford my own computer.

MARY PIPPENS

You have 30 seconds to tell me why you’re here or I’ll have ten cops all over you.

BRANDY

(excitedly)

Really? All over me? I used to be a showgirl over at Harry’s Gentleman’s…

MARY PIPPENS

Twenty, 19…

BRANDY

I’m Phillip Sander’s manager for the Mr. Hunk beauty contest. I only pick the winners, you know. Well, I didn’t help Ryan Reynolds. I wasn’t good enough for him.

MARY PIPPENS

Ten, nine…

Phillip didn’t steal that crown. We run an honest operation, you know. There’d be no stealing under my watchful eyes.

MARY PIPPENS

Do you have any idea who would have stolen it?

Brandy looks taken aback.

BRANDY

No. I had a party last night. Mr. Reynolds was at my house. Can you believe that? This famous actor who would have nothing to do with me last year came to my house. He was wearing the crown.

MARY PIPPENS

Jake Reynolds was at your place?

BRANDY

Yeah. I had a party.

MARY PIPPENS

What time did Jake Reynolds leave your party?

Brandy winks.

BRANDY

Well, he sort of stayed around. You know, I had to keep him happy.

Mary Pippens stands up.

MARY PIPPENS

You have the right to remain silent…

BRANDY

No, wait! I was just…

Mary Pippens ignores her and clamps on the handcuffs.

INT. WOMEN’S PENITENTIARY BRANDY’S CELL – DAY

Brandy sits on her bed, forlorn. Her hair is fully gray. The orange jumpsuit enhances her sallow complexion. Phillip is led to her cell by a WARDEN.

Brandy jumps up.

BRANDY

Phillip! Where have you been? Did you get my letters? I never heard from you.

PHILLIP

I’m sorry. Once I won the Mr. Hunk contest, my life got very busy and complicated.

BRANDY

You couldn’t even write me one letter? The loneliness. The sense of abandonment. And all I did for you.

PHILLIP

(nods)

Yeah. You did sacrifice a lot for me. But wasn’t Mr. Scrubbie-Clean Denture Guy worth it? The guilt did poke at me a little. I almost started back on the Twinkies.

BRANDY

No, not the Twinkies! All I did for you to get away from that addiction. (Beat) Did they ever find the culprit?

PHILLIP

It was you, wasn’t it? I knew you could put me before you. You shouldn’t have.

BRANDY

I didn’t!

PHILLIP

They found the crown in your house. Sorry, Brandy, I have to go. My new manager put me on a stricter regimen.

BRANDY

New manager?

PHILLIP

What was I supposed to do? Good luck, Brandy. You’ll be out soon. Maybe Harry’s will hire you, but you better cover up all that gray.

[Kate Schank]

Kathy S.

What I learned is that the first draft isn’t going to be double quality because that wouldn’t be possible. Going over your work again at least once is going to do this for you, especially if you can incorporate all of these techniques.

Brandy and Philip arrive for their date at her favorite bar. Everything is okay until they meet her ex-boyfriend Tom who shows up seemingly expectedly. The bartender is barely able to save Tom’s life by calling the police, from Philip beating him up, when he got angry.

INT. LOCAL BAR WHERE BRANDY LIKES TO STAY

Brandy and Phil are seated, when Brandy’s ex-boyfriend Tom shows up and begins speaking to her. The bartender is busy wiping glasses down and getting the bar ready to serve them.

BRANDY

Tom- I didn’t know you show up! Come on and we’ll have a couple drinks with Philip my new boyfriend. Phil- Sweetie, this is Tom, he’s my ex but from a long time ago. I haven’t seen him in years.

TOM

It’s been a long time. She meant the world to me- I thought she’d stay with me. Brandy got away-

BRANDY

Bartender- I’m not drunk yet. My name’s Brandy- can you pour us a few?

BARTENDER

Oh, yes- this here?

He indicates a brand label.

BRANDY

Great.

Cheers! Tom- it’s to you.

TOM

What a surprise, Brandy- darling, what is this for? Cheers to me-? This poor fellow, is he following you around?

BRANDY

Are you following me?

PHIL

Pardon moi, I thought you knew we were together. Hello, my name is Phil. Nice to meet you, Brandy’s ex. What a surprise indeed.

TOM

Philip- I was feeling very dismal, you know. I can’t believe that Brandy is at the bar. Here she

is,

(Holds his glass up)

Cheers.

(Takes a drink.)

PHILIP

(Drinks down his drink in a swallow)

Tom- if only there were another Brandy now,

(Pounding the table)

At this bar.

Huh Tom?

(Puts his arm around Tom’s shoulder, giving him a hard pat)

Do forgive me for having enjoyed it a lot.

(Phil looks at Brandy)

Bartender… Another one here for this poor guy.

BRANDY

Just stay here and sit. Like we used to do. Tom and I used to come here together-

PHILIP

As long as Tom’s here- why don’t you tell us, what caused the break up between you and her? The unbearable separation- was it painful? Was the agony indomitable… has it not gone away yet?

TOM

Let’s fill!

PHIL

(To bartender)

Keep filling!

BRANDY

It’s fine. I thought I told him about you…

PHILIP

She didn’t tell you? Does that account for the awful feeling I had? Hadn’t she dumped you before I met her? Brandy- tell me.

BRANDY

Philip, more please-

(Extends her glass)

I just haven’t seen him in a while. It’s like I told you- we broke up years ago.

PHILIP

Oh really- because if you were happier with Tom here… come on, who’s the better man?

TOM

Him? The better man- listen Philip you’d better stay quiet while I talk to Brandy here.

(Turns aside)

Honey- I always loved you. I don’t know why you left… Come back.

BRANDY

(Turning to Tom)

It’s good to see you. I really missed you.

TOM

(Turns to Phil and stands up)

Phil- I’m sorry but I just have to tell you – you’re nothing. You’re not better than me…

PHILIP

(Shouts and stands up)

How could you say that to me?

TOM

Ha, ha, ha! Look at you-

PHILIP

(Angered)

Look at me? What about you- huh?

Phil punches Tom in the face and he falls over the barstool backwards drunk. Phil shoves him again and he blacks out.

BRANDY

Oh, Phil no! Tom, are you alright? Bartender! Call someone!

PHILIP

Sorry, dear.

The bartender rushes over to Tom who is lying on the ground in pain.

BARTENDER

He’s blacked out. I’ll call the ambulance right away.

(Calling)

Hello police-

Brandy

Police? No!

OPERATOR

This is 9-1-1…

MOMENTS LATER

Ambulance arrives and several police officers in their cars. They enter and take care of their work. They begin to interrogate the couple.

PHILIP

Officer, Brandy had nothing to do with this argument. I only had a little… I just couldn’t believe her ex-boyfriend wanted her to go home with him. He was really annoying.

POLICE OFFICER

You punched him. Correct?

BRANDY

Philip hit Tom.

PHILIP

I can’t help it that Brandy was drunk. Tom was drunk-

Brandy, you got drunk on purpose. You should’ve know what may happen.

BRANDY

Officer, I am personal friends with the owner of the bar. Philip, you gave my ex a black eye. There was no need for an argument to have begun! The bartender would’ve settled it.

PHILIP

Settled it? The fellow was breathing down my neck and started laughing at me…

BRANDY

Laughed about what? How he’d done it to me a thousand times and why you look- unsatisfied!

POLICE OFFICER

Is that why you hit the man in the face, and beat him until he could no longer stand and blacked out, is that true?

PHILIP

He blacked out because he’s stupid. He’s soo stupid – or he would’ve shut up and already left here. He wouldn’t be lying on the ground, and if it weren’t for that ambulance arriving I’d have polished him off…

The police officer begins to arrest Philip and reads him his rights as he cuffs him.

POLICE OFFICER

You have the right to remain silent… Anything you say, can and will be held against you…

MOMENTS LATER

POLICE OFFICER

Come with me please, down to the station and talk further.

BRANDY

I’m going to meet Tom at the hospital. He still loves me, and you’re mean.

PHILIP

Ha! You’re going with Tom? What?!

BRANDY

Maybe we’ll meet up here again soon. Bye, Phil!

PHIL

Don’t forget about me and the sex we had!

BRANDY

I might Phil, I just might. Bye.