-
Day 24 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
-
11 Replies
-
Sandra’s QE Cycle #5 Rewrite
LOGLINE: An undercover detective sets up an innocent woman to get to her brother.
ESSENCE: Whatever it takes to get the job done.
SCENE: INT. STOREROOM – NIGHT
Door of storeroom reads AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY. PHILLIP (35) ruggedly handsome and fit, dressed in black slacks, white shirt, and leather jacket. He looks around before unlocking the door, enters the store room, and quickly closes the door.
His cellphone buzzes and he looks at a text, “Want to go to a party?”.
Phillip texts back, “Sure.”
Next text, “BYOB and a gift”.
Phillip replies, “Car in the shop. Pick me up outside City Bank.”
Next text, “C U in 15.”
Phillip walks between rows of shelving to the back. The storeroom is neatly organized with perfectly uniform white boxes all numbered in order. When he finds the right box, he pulls it part way out, slides the lid back, hesitates before removing a small manila envelope, carefully puts it in his jacket pocket and zips it closed.
PHILLIP
I hate doing this.
Phillip pulls the lid back and pushes the box back on the shelf.
EXT. CITY BANK – SAME
Phillip stands on the corner. A red Mercedes sports car pulls up to the curb and Phillip gets into the passenger side. The driver BRANDY (30) is a gorgeous, shapely woman with long blond hair. She’s wearing four-inch high heels, black leggings, a multicolored tight fitting tank top, flashy jewelry, and a white studded jacket.
BRANDY
(flashing a big smile)
Hi, sweetie. How do I look?
PHILLIP
You always look great.
BRANDY
Are you sure? I want to make a good impression.
They share a passionate kiss.
PHILLIP
Got the gift.
He slips the envelope from his jacket pocket into her bag by his feet.
BRANDY
I’m so excited about this party.
There’s supposed to be some important people there.
PHILLIP
Where are we going and who’s party is this?
BRANDY
A guy who liked my performance
at the club the other night.
PHILLIP
I like to know who I’m associating with.
BRANDY
It’s a surprise.
PHILLIP
You know I don’t like surprises.
BRANDY
Relax, we’ll have a great time.
She pulls away from the curb and speeds off.
EXT./INT. LIQOUR STORE – SAME
They pull up to a liquor store.
BRANDY
Grab a case of expensive beer and
put it in the trunk. I’ll grab some wine.
They get out of the car, Brandy hands Phillip the car keys and they walk inside. He goes to the back and grabs a case of beer. She takes a couple bottles of wine to the checkout counter.
CLERK
Will that be all?
BRANDY
Did you go to City High?
CLERK
Nope.
BRANDY
(hands him her credit card)
You look like someone I went to school with?
Do you have a brother who was in music and drama?
CLERK
No, just a sister.
Phillip takes the beer to the car. Two police officers (one male and one female) in uniform pull up in a patrol car and get out.
PHILLIP
Good evening officers.
They nod and go inside, pour coffee and take them to the checkout counter.
CLERK
Stop that guy. He just took a case
of beer without paying.
The officers go outside, and bring Phillip inside.
BRANDY
We’re together. It’s a mistake. He’s innocent.
CLERK
Your credit card won’t go through. I tried three times
Brandy looks at Phillip.
PHILLIP
I thought you were paying for it.
Phillip pats his pockets.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
Sorry, I seem to have forgotten my wallet.
BRANDY
We’ll just return everything and go get some cash. Please let him go.
MALE POLICE OFFICER
(gruffly)
Once it goes out of the store it’s considered a theft.
You’ll have to come back to the station with us.
They handcuff Phillip and Brandy.
BRANDY
(protesting)
This is a big mistake. We’re not trying to steal.
What about my car?
MALE POLICE OFFICER
We’re checking the plates.
If you’re detained we’ll call for a tow.
Brandy and Phillip are put in the back of the patrol car, and Brandy’s bag goes in the trunk.
PHILLIP
(whispers to Brandy)
Calm down. You’ll make things worse.
PHILLIP
(to the police officers)
I have a right to call my attorney.
INT. POLICE STATION – SAME
Male officer takes Phillip to a small room with a table and two chairs. Female officer takes Brandy to another room with a table and two chairs. Brandy sits down as the officer begins going through her bag. The female officer finds the small manila envelope and opens it.
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
What do we have here?
BRANDY
(lies)
Dunno. I’ve never seen that before.
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
Looks like cocaine to me. I’ll send it to the lab.
BRANDY
(tearfully)
Where’s Phillip? Is he okay?
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
Want to tell me what’s really going on?
Are you transporting or selling drugs?
Who do you work for?
BRANDY
Please, I need to see Phillip right now.
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
You’re not going anywhere until you cooperate.
Right now, we’re looking at theft, drug possession,
maybe car theft and other charges.
Phillip and the POLICE CHIEF, middle aged and balding, listen and watch in the next room.
CHIEF
Good job, detective.
PHILLIP
I hate this part of the job. Are you sure this is the
only way to get to her brother?
Do we really have to go through with this?
CHIEF
If you want to keep your job.
-
H Sandra, want to exchange notes?
-
That would be great.
-
ok, thanks, I’ll post my notes here so you know where to look.
-
-
-
Hi Sandra, I really enjoyed reading your scene. Beautifully crafted to include many of the interest techniques and play out the situation perfectly. I gasped several times indicating my enjoyment.
What stands out for me in no particular order:
Set up /Reveal – Phillip’s a cop working to get to Brandy’s sister and using Brandy to do it. – Also Hope/Fear for Phllip.
Hope/Fear – a good time at a party to busted for serious charges. Brandy’s fear of arrest to hope she be let go.
Major Twists – Envelope contains drugs & used to frames Brandy
Opening Hook & Mystery – Who is Phillip? What’s in the envelope/ the gift. Who’s it for?
Intrigue – Phillip took evidence from police evidence room for the frame. – this good be dramatic irony but we don’t know specifically it is an evidence room. But I think it is best we don’t as it supplies suspense and mystery.
Surprise – the cocaine, Phillip’s role in this, Brady’s card is declined.
Suspense – The envelope, who’s party is this? Why is Phillip invited. What will happen to Brandy?
Dilemma – Will Phillip continue to frame innocent people to keep his job?
Cliffhanger – What will Phillip do? Will they get Brandy’s sister?
Could be stronger:
Put in more interesting setting – I like the character descriptions, especially Brandy, but the settings are generic.
Superior Position / Dramatic Irony – you could add that the patrol car officers get a call about the set up going down in the liquor store, something that gives us a little hint they are not there by coincidence without giving away the plot twist.
Something Unseen ? Could be what Brandy’s sister got to do with this, also part of the cliffhanger.
Traits & Subtext
BRANDY
Traits
– Status seeking – High fashion, fancy car, we assume party is rich and famous.
– Entertaining – my her fashion. She says she’s a performer. – Could be stronger.
– Needy – Needs Philip at police station, she appears broke? Could be stronger
– Deceptive – avoids telling Phillip who’s party it is.
Subtext: Brandy willingly lies when it serves her purpose. – I’m not getting she telling a lot of lies. She tells the police office she never seen the envelope before – that is a lie, anything else?
PHILLIP
Traits
– Manipulative – not getting this trait in dialogue although trying to get Brandy to tell him who’s party it is comes close. He’s more so manipulative in actions.
– Sense of entitlement – He assumes Brandy’s paying for the liquor. Takes stuff from evidence room.
– Guilt ridden – does’t like framing innocent people
– Polite – yes compliments Brandy for her looks, wishes officers a good evening. Dresses well.
Subtext: Phillip is polite…as he manipulates those around him.
He is a nice guy. Very unsuspecting as a police officer on the take. Manipulative, not as strong, to me he comes across as more seductive.
There’s opportunity to introduce more traits. If you went deeper into the relationship of Brandy and Peter that would organically produce more opportunities for their traits to come out. Structurally it is a very good scene. I’d work more on the setting, the character traits, and subtext to round things out. The characters are a little too nice but interesting.
Great job!
-
Thank you, Ed. Your feedback is very helpful!
-
-
-
Ed’s QE Cycle scene # 5
LOGLINE – A dust bowl family cast suspicions over the apparent suicide of their father.
Essence – Even the most pious can fall victim to temptation.
EXT. OKLAHOMA DUST BOWL – FARM HOUSE – 1936 – MORNING
A line of drying laundry flaps in the dusty breeze. It’s splattered in blood. The farm house behind it stripped of paint from years of abrasion.
Lying in the dust, the body of a MAN dressed in best Sunday suit. Pools if blood congealing in the dirt.
A rifle propped up between his knees once pointed at what was his head now eviscerated by its large caliber bullet.
INT. FARM HOUSE – BEDROOM
BRANDY MOLES, 50’s ,awakens suddenly. Her years of prairie solitude tell her something is off. The indentation in the mattress next to her indicates her husband, Sedrek, is already awake yet the house is eerily quiet except for the TICKING of a clock off somewhere downstairs.
INT. FARM HOUSE – KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Floor boards CREEK as Brandy descend the back stairs dressed in an elaborate robe embroidered in large spring flowers. The first thing she sees is an empty kitchen table. No cigarettes butts smoldering in the ash tray, no news paper spread across the table, no coffee, and – no Sedrek.
She searches about the lace and chintz adorned house calling out.
BRANDY
Where’s that old fool gone off to know?… Sedrek?
I want my eggs!… Seddy!
It’s Sunday, you know I singing my solo at services today. Sedrek?
She stops at the fireplace. The spot above the mantel where the trusty Winchester rifle is mounted in empty. Only a dusty outline of the gun remains. She takes a hanky out of her pocket and wipes away the outline.
The front door blows open with a gust of wind. She goes to close it, then, freezes in her worn gold slippers A perfect pitched scream erupts from her well training diaphragm.
BRANDY
Sedrek!
EXT. FARM HOUSE
We see a police cruiser parked out front. An officer, MERREL MOLES, 30’s, leans over the body missing most of its head. The Winchester rifle held between his knees.
BRANDY
Is it Sedrek? Oh my dear god! Sedrek..my dearest! What have you done?
MERREL
Don’t come any closer, Ma! Stay in the house!
Merrel get’s up, trying to restrain his mother. She pushes him aside, runs up to the body. Another blood curling scream.
BRANDY
It’s him, isn’t it, Merrel? It’s Pa, I just know it is. That’s his pride and joy Winchester between his legs.
MERREL
Ma, where’s Phillip?…Phillip, where is he?
Brandy tries to focus. She turns away from the carnage.
BRANDY
Probably sleeping it off somewhere. That boys got no respect for the Lord or for his kin.
Hooch and whores, that’s all that matter to him.
MERREL
I saw him leaving the Bijou last night. Looked perfectly fine to me with Betty Sue on his arm.
BRANDY
Ha! Betty Sue. She ain’t one to talk to my Phillip, despite his short comings.
Merrel considers the corpse at his feet.
MERREL
Maybe now you should consider taking the government offer. Uncle Sam’s been buying up all the Okies land in the county. Can’t grow nothing in dust.
Merrel takes a sheet down from the laundry line and covers the man’s body.
BRANDY
This here is our home. Me and Pa’s,…well looks like just me. Don’t mean I have to stop having the church club laddies over for tea. The Lord gives it and the Lord takes it away.
A pick up truck comes racing up the dirt drive, a cloud of dust trailing it.
BRANDY
The devil is among us.
The pick up truck skids to a stop. PHILLIP MOLES , 30’s jumps out.
PHILLIP
Good morning, Merrel, Ma, some kind of trouble on this beautiful Sunday morning?
Brandy and Merrel step aside as Phillip lifts the sheet for a peak. He does, then turns and vomits, whipping his mouth with a fancy handkerchief.
PHILLIP
Excuse my weaknesses. I never had the intestinal fortitude one requires. I should have been here. I had no idea he’d commit such a sin.
BRANDY
Your Pa ain’t no sinner. He’s been tested, Lord knows. At least you found him, Merrel. That is some comfort to me.
Merrel examines the scene a little closer. He looks behind him, toward the house. Then back the body. He follows some imaginary line from the body to the house.
PHILLIP
Looks like the hound dog has found his scent. Do tell brother, what has peaked your curiosity so?
BRANDY
Just you hush.
Merrel arrives at the house. Looking closely at the walls around the door. Brandy and Phillip join him. Merrel takes a pocket knife out. He digs into the dried out wood. Pop! A slug from the wall lands in his palm. He holds it up for all to see.
PHILLIP
Clean shot. Through and through.
MERELL
Yeah, that it is. Except this here bullet is from a Colt 45, not a Winchester 30-30.
Merrel produces a small cotton sack and drops the bullet into it.
BRANDY
What’s that mean?
PHILLIP
It means, Ma, that you shouldn’t be saying anything else to Merrel on account it might look suspicious.
BRANDY
Suspicious of what?…Oh, you can’t be serious!
MERREL
Ma…When’s the last time you saw, Pa?
PHILLIP
Don’t answer that, Ma. Merrel, how about you go inside, put on some coffee? We can talk inside. I sure could use a cup and you make the best coffee.
Merrel considers the offer and heads in.
MERREL
Don’t touch anything.
Brandy looks Phillip searching for an answer.
PHILLIP
What dear brother Merrel is thinking Ma, is you made it look like Pa, killed himself with that there Winchester but the bullet Merrel dug out of the house is from the old Colt 45 you keep in the cookie jar.
BRANDY
Sweet Judas. We’re kin. He ain’t got no right and I’m a lady and a Christian. That slug could have been in the wall from when you kids were shooting whiskey bottles back when you were young-ins.
PHILLIP
The law don’t care about kin. I know we don’t always see eye to eye but let me do all the talking, okay? I love ya momma and I don’t want to see you frying like a Sunday egg in the electric chair in Oklahoma City.
BRANDY
Now that would be a show everyone would talk about. Your poor father. The stress must have been too much. Government jackasses coming by nonstop wanting to buy our land from right out from under our feet. Say they want to plant grass to keep the soil from blowing away. Pish-Posh!
PHILLIP
I do love this land. The way the sun come up in the morning. Endless horizons. I know it isn’t worth much but when you leave it to me, I’d be a good steward.
BRANDY
We ain’t got a will written. Just saying. You go on in. I’m going to say a prayer. My dear departed Sedrek Moles deserves at least that.
Phillip goes off into the house. Brandy studies Phillip’s pick up truck with keen interest. She heads off in that direction.
INT. KITCHEN
The table set with coffee pot and mugs. Merrel’s writing up his crime scene report when Phillip enters.
PHILLIP
I know I ain’t been the best son and brother, and maybe I’m a little selfish protecting Ma but what you are digging at is just plan crazy.
MERREL
Facts are facts and they aren’t lining up quite square.
Brandy enters.
BRANDY
To answer you question, Merrel, your father and I did what we do every Saturday night. We ate our dinner listening to his favorite radio show, “The Adventures of Sam Spade.” I don’t care for it, but your Pa sure loved that private detective. Follow the clues, he did. After that we read then went to bed. Normal as normal could be.
PHILLIP
He seemed okay to you, Ma? No remorses?
BRANDY
Your paw didn’t kill himself because your a jackass, Philipp. We’ve all gotten over the fact you’re hoping to marry Betty Sue and work for her rich Pa in town.
MERREL
And you, Phillip? Your whereabouts up until this morning’s arrival?
PHILLIP
What you need, Merrel is a motive. Pa never had an enemy in his life. Ma is right, Pa, just kept it all bundled up inside. Years of toiling this land just to have it blow away in the wind just too much to bear.
BRANDY
Merrel how about some cookies with your coffee? I baked some yesterday.
PHILLIP
Ma! I told you to hush.
Merrel goes to the cookie jar on the counter. Phillip braces himself.
MERREL
You got something against cookies, Phillip?
He opens the jar, reaches in and pulls out…cookies.
Phillip looks bewildered compared to Brandy’s coyness.
MERREL
There rumors going around that the government ain’t here to buy land and plant grass to slow the soil erosion. What folk’s are thinking is there’s oil under this worthless dirt, like they been finding down in Texas.
BRANDY & PHILLIP
Is that so?
MERREL
It is a rumor, that’s all. Now Phillip, after I saw you with Betty Sue leave the Bijou, you went into the diner, talking to some fella in a fancy suit. Now who might that have been?
PHILLIP
Just a stranger, asking for directions. Nothing nefarious about that, is there?
BRANDY
It is if that stranger left you any papers to sign?
PHILLIP
I told you, I don’t want your land. It’s yours until the day you die.
MERREL
Why don’t we take a look inside that truck of yours.
PHILLIP
I don’t deserve none of this. Look at you two, always ganging up on me.
EXT/INT. PHILLIP’S PICK UP TRUCK
Merrel opens the glove compartment of the pick up truck. Reaches in and removes the Colt 45.
He opens the chamber, looks inside. Smells it.
MERREL
Seems one shot has been fired. My blood hound nose says relatively soon.
BRANDY
How could you, Phillip? Your own flesh and blood. Saints preserve us!
PHILLIP
How you know that fella there dead in the dirt is even Pa? He ain’t got no head left.
Heads snap back in the direction of the house as a door SLAMS shut.
-
Hi Ed,
Great job! This is a very intriguing and interesting scene.
You seemed to capture all of Brandy’s traits and subtext. However, you may want to make sure more of her deceptive trait comes out in some of the dialogue that did not seem to show a specific trait. You did a great job with including Phillip’s traits and subtext. The trait that stood out the most was his manipulative trait and the trait I noticed the least was sense of entitlement.
The way you introduced interest techniques from the beginning, like uncertainty, hook, suspense, surprise, mystery, intrigue, and an uncomfortable moment, kept me engaged and wanting to find out what was going to happen next. I also noticed how the following interest techniques were woven into the story – predicting a future, anticipatory dialogue, hope/fear, prediction, creating a future, betrayal, mislead/reveal, and something unseen. The ending cliffhanger was fantastic!
Hope this is helpful.
Thank you for exchanging.
-
Thanks Sandra! Appreciate you taking the time and your insights are spot on. It is hard getting all those traits in, isn’t it?
-
Yes, it is indeed! Also a challenge to include all the interest techniques.
-
-
-
-
Amechi’s QE CYCLE #5 REWRITE
SITUATION: Brandy protects Phillip when talking to the police, but is then arrested. The next scene reveals that Phillip set the whole thing up.
SCENE ARC: From Phillip looking innocent to Phillip looking evil.
SCENE
INT. MANSION – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
BRANDY, 50s, a woman who’s best years are behind her, but in her mind she’s right in the middle of them. She leads in DET. SUMMERS, 60s, fit, sharp eyed, and DET. GANZ, 30s, heavyset, suspicious of everything.
PHILLIP, 20, Brandy’s son, uncomfortable in his own skin, and does everything he can not to be noticed, lingers by the room’s entrance.
BRANDY
I’m the woman of the house. Can I get you anything?The detectives shake their heads, “No”.
BRANDY
My late husband…
(A theatrical hand to her chest)
God rest his soul… was one of the supreme architects that this city has ever seen. Did you know that?The detectives are puzzled by this.
PHILLIP
Mom, I don’t think they want to hear…A glare from Brandy silences Phillip.
BRANDY
Phillip is going to follow in his father’s footsteps, and create buildings as beautiful as these.She gestures to a series of miniature building models on top of the mantle piece, that depict glorious skyscrapers.
BRANDY
Isn’t that right, Phillip?PHILLIP
Yes, ma’am.BRANDY
It’s the least he can do after…She trails off.
DET. SUMMERS
We’re here because your son’s math professor is missing…BRANDY
Phillip had nothing to do with it.DET. GANZ
How can you know that?DET. SUMMERS
You can’t keep an eye on him 24/7…BRANDY
I don’t need to.DET GANZ
People saw them arguing about grades. It got pretty heated.PHILLIP
I feel bad about that, but I swear I kept under control, sir.BRANDY
He deserved an A. Phillip needs an A.PHILLIP
I worked really hard. I think I deserved a better grade. That’s all I said.BRANDY
The family name carries a lot of weight. Few people know the pressure he’s under to restore this family’s pride…PHILLIP
Mom spoke to him too…Brandy stares daggers at Phillip, who looks at the floor.
PHILLIP
Sorry, ma’am.DET SUMMERS
You spoke to Professor Bayer too?BRANDY
No… I mean, yes. In a friendly manner. It had nothing to do with Phillip.DET SUMMERS
You’re the woman who was seen screaming at him by his car…DET. GANZ
Was it about Phillip’s grade? You were scared of losing his dream?BRANDY
The professor and I used to… we had a relationship.PHILLIP
They were in a few community theater plays together.DET SUMMERS
And that’s it? Did it ever get more personal?Brandy flops down on the couch.
BRANDY
You know, I’m not feeling up to volunteering any more information. My son is no killer, and neither am I!DET. GANZ
Who said he was dead?BRANDY
You implied it. Do you have proof he’s not?!PHILLIP
Mom, you rest, I’ll show the detectives out.INT. MANSION – HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Phillip leads the detectives into the hallway and starts for the back of the house.
PHILLIP
This way please detectives.DET. SUMMERS
We came in through the front…PHILLIP
I apologize. The floor’s a little sticky.DET. SUMMERS
Sticky?PHILLIP
And wet. My mom just told me to mop it. This way is fine.The detectives exchange a look and follow Phillip through the kitchen and out to—
EXT. BACK GARDEN – CONTINUOUS
They cross towards the gate and walk past A SHED.
DET. SUMMERS
What’s in there?PHILLIP
My mom does her woodworking in there.The door is open.
DET. SUMMERS
Can we take a quick look?They head in without waiting for a response. Phillip doesn’t object but looks nervous.
INT. HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Brandy sees them entering the shed from upstairs. She bangs on the window to get Phillips attention but he doesn’t hear her. She hurries down.INT. SHED – MOMENTS LATER
Brandy rushes in. The detectives are looking around at the blocks of wood, sculptures, and works in progress.BRANDY
I thought you were leaving!DET. SUMMERS
And I thought you were sick…Caught, Brandy shakes her head.
BRANDY
I didn’t invite you in!DET. SUMMERS
Your son did.Brandy glares at Phillip again.
PHILLIP
Wait, I didn’t say…DET
This is your workshop, ma’am?Brandy nods.
BRANDY
Welcome! Can I get you anything?!PHILLIP
Am I allowed in, mom? I won’t touch anything.Brandy is fuming. She bumps one of her sculptures over. It hits the floor, startling the detectives. Det. Ganz notices something.
DET GANZ
What’s this?He turns, holding up a BLOODY KNIFE.
BRANDY
A knife.DET GANZ
Is this blood?BRANDY
Out! Right now! This instant!Something in the corner catches Det. Summers eye.
A man’s shoe…
On a foot… attached to a leg…
Detective Summers shoves aside a table revealing
The lifeless body of PROFESSOR MAYER.Brandy screams and turns to run. Det. Summers is on her before she makes the door, dragging her arms behind her back.
EXT. FRONT YARD – MOMENTS LATER
Brandy kicking and screaming the whole way as they lead her to the waiting car. Lights go on the neighbors home.
BRANDY
I’m a tax paying citizen! You can’t handle me like this!Brandy is driven away.
BRANDY
Phillip! Help me!PHILLIP
Let her go! She didn’t do anything!INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Phillip sits in the living room alone. He hears a noise, looks up. Det. Summers coming to him from the kitchen.
DET. SUMMERS
This doesn’t look good for your mom…PHILLIP
This is my fault. She was trying to protect me. Trying to help me…Phillip bursts into tears. Det. Summers pats him on the shoulder.
DET. SUMMERS
Hey, it’s gonna be okay…PHILLIP
No, it won’t. What am I supposed to do with my life now?DET. SUMMERS
Anything you want.Det. Summers leaves.
Phillip walks over to the mantle, where his father’s model buildings stand. And sweeps them all to the floor.
He turns to the window with a smile on his face and takes a deep relaxing breath.
END OF SCENE
Log in to reply.