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Day 24 Assignments
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13 Replies
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Bob Kerr – Rewrite of QE Cycle #5, Max Interest Techniques and Character Traits
LOGLINE: The lazy morning afterglow of two lovers is interrupted by police and one will leave in handcuffs.
ESSENCE: Betrayal in the high stakes world of smuggling blended with world class artists.
INT. PENTHOUSE SUITE – LATE MORNING
The suite of the world renowned conductor of the Denver Symphony Orchestra is filled with art pieces, a piano and other collectible treasures gathered from PHILLIP FORTIS’s globe trotting career. Phillip is a tall elegant looking man in his mid-40’s with a mane of silver hair and piercing blue eyes. BEVERLY HOPE, a mid-twenties attractive woman of medium height with red hair and green eyes serves as first violinist in the orchestra. Phillip is sitting on the edge of the bed rummaging on the floor for his clothes. Beverly is standing with her bare back to Phillip as she pulls on her blouse.
PHILLIP:
Where is my cape? I must have eggs benedict and mimosa today and I must have my cape. I can’t go out in public without my signature cape!
BEVERLY:
It can’t have gone far.
Beverly notices the cape on the edge of the bed and grabs it and hides it from Phillip.
BEVERLY (CONTINUED)
It’s such a nice day outside, maybe we could order something delivered? After all, we could have an encore performance right here. I could perform for you while you enjoyed your brunch?
PHILLIP:
As tempting as that is, I want to enjoy my adoring fans as we walk into the restaurant. They so loved me at last nights performance. I would feel guilt denying the peasants a glimpse of true genius!
Just then there is a knock on the door.
V.O.
This is The Denver Police. We want to talk to Phillip Fortis. Open the door
BEVERLY:
What have you done Phillip? Should I answer the door?
Phillip final pulls on a shirt and combs his hands through his silvery mane.
PHILLIP:
I insist. Probably forgot to sign the commissioners program at the after party last night.
There is now a pounding on the door.
V.O.
Open the door! We have urgent police business with Phillip Fortis. Open the door.
BEVERLY:
Okay.
Beverly walks barefoot to the front door and opens it to see two detectives flashing their id.
One, DETECTIVE POLLACK is a ruddy faced stocky man in a drab suit clearly bought off the rack. The other, DETECTIVE CHRISTIE is a handsome white man with blond hair and a tailored suit.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Where is Phillip Fortis and who are you?
BEVERLY:
The maestro is finished getting dressed. He has an appointment that he is running late for and I am escorting him to the appointment.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
Do you plan on escorting him barefoot? Might be uncomfortable don’t you think? Now who are you?
BEVERLY:
I’ll have you know I’m the first violinist of the Denver Symphony Orchestra and the maestro is very particular about people wearing shoes in his suite. Please take them off if you are coming in.
The two detectives look at each other and decide they won’t comply with the request.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Us wearing shoes is the last thing Phillip will need to worry about dear. Now where is Phillip Fortis?
Phillip emerges from his bedroom now fully dressed and his hair flowing.
PHILLIP:
Here I am my good man. Now what is that I can help you with gentlemen?
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
We need to confirm your whereabouts last night around midnight?
PHILLIP:
Why my good man I was at the Diamond Cafe enjoying champagne with the donors of our orchestra. We had a concert last night and I always go and mingle with the patrons. Let them see true greatness up close you know.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
I suppose you can get witnesses to collaborate that?
BEVERLY:
I can. I was with the maestro and I even brought my violin to entertain the patrons. It was a delightful time.
PHILLIP:
What is this all about? I have an appointment to keep and I don’t want to be late.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
We have been tracking a scheme to smuggle drugs using the luggage of the orchestra to
hide the drugs. Isn’t it true that you personally have a lot of luggage you take on tour?
PHILLIP:
Why yes my dear man, I do. I simply must keep up appearances and I have earned the reputation of the finest dressed conductor in the world. It is a byproduct of my artistic persona.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
Isn’t it also true that your luggage is never screened or inspected when you go on tour?
PHILLIP:
Absolutely. We are not simply people traveling. We are artists sharing our gifts to an adoring public.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
So you pack your own luggage?
PHILLIP:
Oh heavens sake no. I can’t be bothered with such menial tasks.
BEVERLY:
I’m the one that manages that task. As first violinist I am also the orchestra master. I am responsible for all the preparations when we go on tour. What are you suggesting? I must know.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
We’re not suggesting anything. We had a tip that you’re smuggling 5 kilos of cocaine on your west coast tour. We obtained a search warrant and found the drugs in the personal luggage of Phillip. Since you are the one supervising the preparations, you are now under arrest.
BEVERLY:
Me?! I haven’t done anything. Phillip, do somethings. I need your help!
PHILLIP:
Don’t worry my dear. This is all probably a huge misunderstanding. Now go quietly and I will get you out of bondage by this evening.
DETECTIVE CHRISIE:
Turn around miss and put your hands behind your back.
Beverly complies.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
You are under arrest for the illegal transport of narcotics. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
BEVERLY:
Phillip! Don’t leave me like this.
PHILLIP:
Where exactly are you taking her?
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
The downtown station.
PHILLIP:
Relax dear. You’re in good hands and I will move heaven and earth to free you tonight.
The detectives take custody of Beverly and walk out the door. Phillip walks to the door, glances outside and then closes the door.
INT: PENTHOUSE SUITE – AFTERNOON
Phillip is pouring himself a brandy and walks into the living room of the suite. He puts down the glass and opens the top of piano bench to pull out a burner phone. He dials a number.
PHILLIP:
Yes the plan worked perfectly. Now, when they transport that bitch to the courthouse, get your people to eliminate her and tie up the last loose thread. We’ll resume operations after I get back from the tour. They don’t call me the conductor for nothing.
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I’m sorry I didn’t get my comments to you in the right place. Please scroll down to find them. Thanks.
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Hi Bob. First off thank you again for your awesome feedback on my scene. I am in awe of how good you and Denice are on giving feedback. I will endeavor to improve in that area. So for my feedback on your scene. I really liked the setting of yours, and you painted a great visual on just how wealthy this guy is. Which makes us wonder, how did he get so rich? So character introductions were spot on. I think you did an awesome job with the character traits for both characters either with dialogue or action. Each character’s subtext was shown as well! I found it interesting that Beverly hid Phillip’s cape from him. I think you hit a home run on using interest techniques, I still struggle with using them, however, you have mastered them in my opinion. The drug smuggling was a cool twist, and your cliffhanger at the end really brought it home. Well done sir!
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Denice’s Rewrite, Lesson 24
Logline: Brandy expects Philip to get her released from prison after she lied to save him.
Essence: He sabotages her, having learned her secret.
INT. COLORADO, UNDERGROUND GLASS CELL, 2037 – DAY
Stark. Institutional. A dozen recessed monitors scour the room.
Glass and steel enclose BRANDY DUET (20’s). Vibrant, body-hugging clothes reveal a strong, sexy body. She does pushups in isolated confinement.
BRANDY (V.O.)
Two-hundred forty-eight. Two-hundred forty-nine. Two-hundred fifty.
She rises. Effortless. Not a drop of sweat on her.
A chime rings. A worried frown creases her flawless face.
PHILLIP KING (30’s) steps inside. Impeccable, tailored suit. Hawk eyes in a tall, lithe body. He lifts his Patrician nose. Squares his shoulders and strides toward her.
Brandy breaks into a relieved smile. She twirls in a little dance of pleasure.
BRANDY
I thought you’d never come.
PHILLIP
Please forgive me, Miss Duet. I had other, more important commitments.
Confusion crosses her face.
BRANDY
Didn’t you say I had the most importance in your life?
He avoids her eyes.
PHILLIP
Despite your beauty, you presented a quandary.
BRANDY
No thanks for saving your life?
He glances at the monitors in the wall.
PHILLIP
Thank you. I expected your, ah, cooperation in telling the authorities the truth. I’ve never seen such competence.
She checks the monitors. Takes a deep breath.
BRANDY
Will you take me to meet your family now?
PHILLIP
I’m sorry. That’s quite impossible. Although, I admit I feel some remorse.
BRANDY
What did you tell your parents about me?
PHILLIP
That you’ll be incarcerated here until your execution.
Her mouth falls open. Eyes flash orange.
BRANDY
You love me. You promised we’d have a life together.
PHILLIP
I certainly don’t belong in here and you have served your purpose.
She yells at the monitors.
BRANDY
I want to tell the truth about this murdering coward.
His black eyes narrow.
PHILLIP
More lies will only make things worse. I’m sorry. I had to tell them the secret you kept from me.
BRANDY
What secret? Why are you doing this? I love you.
PHILLIP
An easy word to say without meaning. You misled me. I abhor you. The international authorities will deal with your kind.
Brandy gasps. Wraps her arms around her waist.
PHILLIP
So sorry. Out of curiosity, what alien inhabits the other half of the entertainment you provided me?
Brandy shrieks. Unearthly. She slams into the glass. A shock of electricity reveals a beautiful, silky green alien with silver scales inside Brandy.
Phillip stares in awe. Distaste.
PHILLIP
You melded with an unknown species? I expect your stay here,will be longer than expected.
He turns away.
She collapses on the floor, her voice a whimper.
BRANDY
I need your help. Phillip. Don’t let your son die.
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Denice:
Another very unique situation and I think your rewrite made the scene stronger.
Regarding the Max Interest techniques, you have used them very well. The twist at the end represents a hook for the next scene. It suggests that there will be an escape and then a pursuit. A female bearing a child betrayed will go to the edge of destruction to have her justice. The one “bump” I experienced was when you indicated that it was an international situation. This needs more bolstering and offer great opportunity to introduce a third charact to reinforce that Phillip is working for an international organization.
The reveals, and I counted two, work well in this situation. Adds to the suspense and intrigue while holding the readers interest. Would play well for a viewing audience.
The subtext you have applied with great skill. The one area where I believe you could enhance the scene is a little more on Brandy’s “willingness to lie when it suits her purpose”. You deliver in Phillip’s dialogue but I believe there is an opportunity to have Brandy demonstrate this in a dialogue with a third person.
As a contained scene there is great attraction to the moderate budget cost to shoot the scene. Well done!
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Thank you for your comments and your suggestions, Robert! It’s always so nice to have feedback to make us see things a little differently. I need to go back and copy all of the feedback in their respective places for when I need the notes for learning. Unfortunately, these aren’t scenes to ever complete. I wonder why Hal’s scene setups are easier for me to do than my own scripts?
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Denice. Thank you again for such awesome feedback on my scene. You are very talented in giving feedback. Okay let me see if I can provide you with something of value. You continue to nail interesting settings: underground glass cell. Wow! Is 2037 the cell number? Or year? GREAT job of setting the mood and tone with the description. Great character intros as well. Definitely brought home both character’s subtext and their traits, nicely done. You mixed action and dialogue to make that happen. Lots of interest techniques in play to keep me guessing and into the story. Great cliffhanger at end with the son. You are very consistent with your writing. Well done and continued success to you!
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Hi Edward!
Thank you so much for your generous feedback. I hope you know how valuable it is to me. I’m going to miss these classes and the great guys who have been here with me the whole time.
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Ed. Gillow Rewrite of Character relationships, Reveals, New Max Interest
LOGLINE: Detective uses a rainy night to interrogate two suspects who have committed a murder.
ESSENCE: How easy it is to betray someone when your butt is on the line
INT. LAPD SQUAD CAR – EVENING
Torrential downpour outside the SUV. Periodic thunder and lightning.
Chewing gum, DETECTIVE BUNZ, 40s, sits in the front seat of the vehicle.
PHILLIP WATERS, 40s, and DR. BRANDY WINE, 30s, sit next to each other in the back seat. Both are handcuffed.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
I’m having the coroner confirm the time of death of your husband, Mr. Waters. Pardon the use of handcuffs for now.
PHILLIP
Detective Bunz, this is a total misunderstanding. My late husband had a bad heart. I’m sure the coroner will confirm that.
BRANDY
I can vouch for Phil… uh Mr. Waters. I’ve treated his husband for ten years.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
You a cardiologist Dr. Wine?
Brandy nods.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
You say you treated him for ten years?
BRANDY
That’s correct.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
And you’re how old?
A rap on the window.
DETECTIVE BUNZ (CONT’D)
Hold that thought!
Bunz rolls down the window.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah?
CORONER
Definitely poison of some sort. We’re running conclusive tests now.
Bunz opens the door.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
I have my suspicions that it was one or both of you that iced Mr. Waters’ husband’s death. Before this night’s over, I’ll get to the bottom of this.
PHILLIP
Detective Bunz, he had a bad heart…
BRANDY
As a doctor, I can vouch…
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah, yeah. You’ve both already sung that song.
Bunz looks at both Phillip and Brandy for a few moments.
DETECTIVE BUNZ (CONT’D)
Two things are going to happen tonight. One, I’m gonna find out which one of you did this. Two, one of you ain’t going home tonight. I’m gonna step out for a bit. I’m sure you both have lots to discuss.
He smiles as he exits, then pops his head back in.
DETECTIVE BUNZ (CONT’D)
Don’t go anywhere.
Slams the door.
Phillip and Brandy watch Bunz walk over to the coroner. They watch as the two men have a heated discussion. When…
PHILLIP
They gonna be able to trace what you used?
BRANDY
Abrin? No way. Impossible to detect cause a small dose was used.
PHILLIP
You sure?
BRANDY
Stake my professional career on it.
PHILLIP
Would his death have been painful?
BRANDY
Phil, we already discussed this.
PHILLIP
Oh God Brandy, what have we done?
BRANDY
We both need that insurance payout. Me with that wrongful death suit and you with your gambling debts.
PHILLIP
Well, we have to get out of this pickle first. He was my husband, so I get a bigger cut.
BRANDY
Not so fast my love. I was the one who got the poison and injected him.
PHILLIP
We both had a role to play, darling.
BRANDY
Yes we did, didn’t we?
The squad front door opens, Bunz jumps in.
There is a long silence, when:
PHILLIP
Get what you need, Detective.
Bunz chomps on this gum, then smiles.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Yeah, we did. You wearing that wire was a good idea.
Brandy glares at Phillip.
An evil looks comes over Phillip’s face.
PHILLIP
You incredulous money grabbing bitch. Your deception never fooled me. I hope you burn.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
More like fry. Oh wait, they don’t do that anymore. Dr. Wine, you are under arrest for the murder of Willis Rivers…
BRANDY
Spare me the theatrics.
Brandy turns to Phillip, who has an evil grin on his face.
BRANDY (CONT’D)
You pathetic worm.
The torrential rain continues to pelt the squad car.
Bunz, Phillip, and Brandy sit in silence as Brandy glares at Phillip.
DETECTIVE BUNZ
Oh Mr. Waters, I almost forgot. There might be a problem with your plea bargain.
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Edward:
Really enjoyed the improvements you made in the rewrite. Filled out the characters and their dialogue. The situation lends itself to great dramatic impact and you weave it extremely well.
Regarding the Max Interest techniques, you really covered the bases on this aspect. I really enjoyed the back and forth dialogue between Phillip and Brandy and the use of Detective Bunz adds drama to the whole scene. Well done! One way to improve it is to have a little more dialogue between Phillip and Brandy to establish their relationship that gave birth to the murder. The greed for money is powerful but there is a suggestion there is more to it than than. Love to see that explored.
The reveal is well done. The demand part creates a sense of urgency and the cover-up creates a sense of partnership between Phillip and Brandy. This heightens the impact of the reveal.
The subtext is handled deftly. Really enjoyed how you wove the subtext into the story. Enjoyed the read. Thank you.
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Hi Edward,
I’m sorry I’ve taken so long. I really like the mood you set up with the weather. Great job. I think you can use it even more when the Detective goes in and out the door. Perhaps a few more traits for Brandy and Phillip could show up then–her need for protection from him, his politeness. You’ve set up a super crucible by confining your main characters in a car. Good job.
Traits and Subtext:
Brandy – Her deceptive trait and subtext are the strongest elements. Rather than have her ‘nod’ to the detective, you’ve created a great place to add dialogue to demonstrate a trait. For example: I’m one step away from being the top cardiologist in LA, or do you need a heart exam, Detective? I know you can think of the perfect line or lines. Another way of showing more traits is to eliminate your repetitive phrases between the detective and Brandy. When Brandy says, “Yes we did, didn’t we?” to Phillip, you could show another of her traits. When she’s betrayed, she might say something instead of glaring–a lie of something to incriminate him as this is a big shocking twist.
Phillip – HIs traits and subtext as a manipulator come shining through. If Brandy hesitates to talk about what she gave his husband, he could be even more manipulative, entitled, and guilt-ridden. The use of ‘please’ or some other word when he’s talking to the detective would highlight his polite trait.
Interest Techniques: You hook us with the handcuffs and ‘husband’. I really like the major twist that uses betrayal, anticipatory dialogue, and character change. You’ve set up the suspense, uncertainty, uncomfortable moments, prediction, creating a future with the wait for the coroner’s decision in a great way. You might be able to add a little more mystery and dilemma between Brandy and Phillip so we understand their relationship a little better. Then when he betrays her, it could be even bigger. You certainly have an interesting setting in the car with the weather. You could mislead us a bit more with how Phillip treats Brandy in the beginning so that his betrayal is even worse. It could also highlight both of their traits. I love the cliffhanger twist at the end! Good job!
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Hi Robert! I really like your choice of characters, very unique. Here are comments and suggestions to think about.
Traits and Subtext – Phillip – His dominate traits are manipulation and entitlement with needing his cape, his comment about his public. He shows politeness when he calls the cops, my good man, but you could change the polite phrases so they aren’t so repetitive. He could also use ‘please’ with Brandy. I see one reference about guilt that he says about himself. His actions toward her could show this. Excellent subtext. You could even change his sentence about freeing her to be subtextual.
Traits and Subtext – Brandy – Her traits are a little more balanced: entertaining in the restaurant, her super subtext about performing for him. You might be able to raise her status-seeking trait if she wasn’t first violin and is doing everything she can to get that position – like sleeping with him, playing for hime, packing for him, waiting on him. Why would she ask Phillip “What have you done?” when the cops knock on the door? There’s nothing in the scene that would suggest this question here. I love her first dialogue with the cops! Rather than complying with the cops later on and accepting the handcuffs with no dialogue, this is a good place to have her subtext of lying to serve her purpose, her pleading for help from Phillip.
Interest Techniques: You have done a great job with these! Rather than point them out, I’d rather comment on how you might add more. I usually lack Superior Position. But you could rearrange the scene and have us hear the conversation Phillip has with his hired killer first – maybe even keep us in suspense about what he’s talking about for a set-up, too. He could be in the bathroom or something. That way you might have a bigger cliffhanger when Brandy is taken away. I like the cliffhanger as it is, but it seems like a forgone conclusion that Brandy doesn’t have a chance. Just a suggestion. I’m sure you can come up with a better one. Phillip might even show or relate his dilemma when Brandy is actually cuffed. He could also mislead the cops in her defense which manipulates everyone.
You might separate the long descriptive beginning for easier reading. Set the place, separate the characters, their actions.
Thank you for the entertaining read! You made me laugh.
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Denice:
Thank you for the feedback. Your suggestions clearly will make the scene stronger. As I continue to work with these techniques, I find myself more comfortable with some of them and some I really need to get more practice.
The real u7pside is the lessons in the class will greatly improve my script and other future projects I am working to develop.
I will get your feedback tomorrow morning. The weekend has been crazy and challenging.
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