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Day 28 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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27 Replies
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Critique Scene – QE #6 – Don Thompson
QE # 6 – REWRITE:
LOGLINE: CARLEY and MARCUS are on their honeymoon in Hawaii and play cat and mouse until they each realize what they really want: each other. During this process, they become rich, in a matter of speaking.
Note: I have completely rewritten this scene from the first version. Also note this scene is posted in #27 as well, thanks!
ESSENCE: Money isn’t everything, but it definitely helps.
The scene takes place in a beautiful condo on Maui.
CARLEY (30), attractive and very pretty, but somewhat world-weary, is on the balcony of the condo looking out over the ocean and the beautiful scenery.
MARCUS (35) is on the couch watching TV. He is handsome but almost too much so — to the point of having a baby face. He watches the US Open tennis match.
MARCUS (stands up): Jesus! Look at that!
He turns to Carley.
MARCUS: Honey, you can’t believe what Djokovic did to Nadal with his backhand!
Note: he pronounces Djokovic as ‘Joke-a-vich’.
CARLEY turns around.
CARLEY: Come out here and look at this view! You don’t know what you’re missing!
Marcus sits down in front of the TV again.
MARCUS: This is the US Open – I got some money on this on a pool at work. It’s important, honey!
CARLEY: It’s our honeymoon you shit head!
Marcus falls silent. Then he shuts the TV off and walks out to the deck, joining Carley.
He comes up behind her and holds her.
MARCUS: I’m sorry.
CARLEY: No, I’m sorry.
MARCUS: No, I’m more sorry. Would you stop arguing with me, please? You don’t need to be sorry.
CARLEY: OK. I’m sorry for being sorry.
Silence, then they both LAUGH loudly.
Beat.
CARLEY: Jow·kuh·vuhch
MARCUS: What?
CARLEY: His name is pronounced Jow-kuh-vuhch.
MARCUS: Joke-a-vich, Jow-kuh-vuhch. I don’t like him. But, if he wins I win the office pool.
Carley then points to the ocean.
CARLEY: Look, a whale!
Marcus looks.
MARCUS: That is not a whale. That is a boat.
CARLEY: No, next to the boat!
MARCUS: I like the boat better. I can imagine us on one, actually. When we get rich. I have a plan.
CARLEY: I’m listening.
MARCUS: Crypto. We invest the money your parents gave us in crypto.
Beat.
CARLEY: We are not throwing my parent’s hard-earned money into crypto, honey. I love my parents much too much to be so disrespectful.
MARCUS. Who says you have to tell them?
Suddenly there is a KNOCK on the door.
Marcus looks to Carley:
MARCUS: Who the hell could that be?
Carley shrugs.
MARCUS: Let me get it.
CARLEY: Tell them that we’re on our honeymoon and to go straight to hell.
Marcus walks to the door and answers. There are TWO OFFICIALS from the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes, holding a large poster.
MARCUS: Yes?
OFFICIAL ONE: My name is Tom Swenson, and I represent the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes. We are happy to inform you have just won fifty million dollars for life!
Silence.
MARCUS: Are you sure?
OFFICIAL TWO: We are sure!
MARCUS: I mean… hold on! Don’t move!
He shuts the door and rushes to Carley.
MARCUS: Carley, honey, sit down.
CARLEY: What’s wrong.
MARCUS: Just sit down.
He speaks almost in a WHISPER.
MARCUS: Did you… sign up for the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes?
CARLEY: No.
MARCUS: Neither did I. There are two people out there that claim that we won the sweepstakes for fifty million dollars.
Carley holds her hands to her mouth, almost SCREAMING.
MARCUS: Shhh…. Shhh!
She calms down.
MARCUS: We’re gonna both go back to the door, hand in hand, and accept the money. We won’t ask any questions, we won’t say that we didn’t register. We just accept the money – got it?
CARLEY shakes her head ‘no’.
CARLEY: That’s not honest. It’s not fair if we didn’t really win it.
Marcus frowns.
MARCUS: Honey… I love you. But shut the fuck up when we talk to them at the door. Come on.
Just before opening the door, he turns to her
MARCUS: I’m sorry I said to shut up.
CARLEY (nodding). It’s OK, I can take it. But if you speak to me that way again I’m divorcing you in what will be the shortest marriage in California this year.
Marcus nods.
Marcus opens the door. The two OFFICIALS are still standing there.
MARCUS (smiling): Hi folks. This is my wife, Carley. Please explain to her who you are.
OFFICIAL TWO: We are from Publisher’s Clearing House, and you’ve won fifty million dollars!
Carley then SCREAMS.
CARLEY: How did you find us? We’re on our honeymoon!
OFFICIAL ONE: We make sure to track down all contestants wherever they may be in the world. You could be in Antarctica, and we’d find you!
The OFFICIAL then holds up a mock-up of a check for fifty million dollars. The name on the check is clearly written: ‘Mr. and Mrs. Simon Djokovic’
OFFICIAL TWO: Mr. and Mrs. Djokovic (he pronounces it correctly) – let’s please take a photo together!
Marcus and Carley look at each other.
MARCUS (to the officials): Wait right here, don’t move!
He shuts the door and he and Carley sit down and speak to each other, almost in WHISPERS.
CARLEY: That isn’t us, obviously.
MARCUS: It is definitely God punishing me for making fun of Joke-a-vich’s last name.
CARLEY: Well, let’s tell them it isn’t us. End of story.
Marcus is thinking.
MARCUS: Maybe I can get a fake ID. Maybe I can change my name.
CARLEY: Right now?… I don’t think so!
Marcus ponders some more, then takes on a more resigned demeanor.
MARCUS: OK, let’s tell them it’s not us. Maybe they’ll take pity on us because it’s our honeymoon and give us the money anyway.
Marcus and Carley go to the door and open it.
MARCUS (to the officials): Ah… we’re really sorry. We are not Mr. and Mrs. Joke-a-vich.
OFFICIAL ONE: You’re not?
CARLEY: We’re not. Our last name is Johnson. Well, mine is. She’s keeping her maiden name.
OFFICIAL TWO: You’re not Mr. and Mrs. Simon Djokovic?
MARCUS: No. But… if you can’t find them and need to give the money to somebody we can certainly take the money. I mean, we need it. We’re newlyweds. Just getting started.
Beat, the Officials consider. Marcus continues.
MARCUS: Constantly scratching around for the next little morsel of cash so we can put food on the table.
The two officials look at each other.
OFFICIAL TWO: We can’t really do that. We have the winners to consider.
CARLEY: That’s what I suggest: consider the winners.
Marcus frowns at Carley.
OFFICIAL ONE: Wow, this is the first mistake in our fifty-year history of giving out prizes!
CARLEY: Maybe they’re next door. Or maybe they booked this condo but changed their itinerary. We got this one just a couple of days ago as an upgrade.
The Officials look at each other in disbelief.
OFFICIAL ONE: Well, thank you. And thank you for being honest.
MARCUS: No problem…. But again, if you can’t find Joke-a-vich we volunteer to take the money for them. It’ll mean we don’t need to invest in crypto as we planned.
OFFICIAL TWO: Sure thing. And that would be Jow-kuh-vuhch.
OFFICIAL ONE: Yes, Simon Jow-kuh-vuhch.
Both Officials smile and leave.
Marcus shuts the door.
They stand, looking at each other.
CARLEY: Money is highly overrated. Love is really more important. Caring for each other is the most important.
MARCUS: I agree. I will never find anybody else like you. I’m in for the long haul.
They hug and kiss deeply.
Marcus pulls away, but still hugs her.
MARCUS: I love you so much.
CARLEY: I love you too.
Beat.
MARCUS: Man, I do wish my name was Joke-a-vich.
END OF SCENE
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Hi Don,
What a fun read, a short story in one scene. Good job there. I enjoyed reading it. You might want to go through it again with Skill Sheet in hand to improve it even more. Structural elements present: Suspense ( will they pull off the ruse), Major Twist (check made out to different couple), Surprise and Irony (the name is similar to a name Marcus mocks), Mislead/ reveal (pretend to be winners, admit they are not the couple), Hope and Fear ( Will Carly go along with ruse for 5 million), Dilemma ( be honest or lie). Missing elements: intrigue, mystery, cliffhanger. Character missing elements: changes radically, betrayal. Dialog needs hook, predictions, creating a future, anticipatory dialog. Demand, cover up, and reveal all present. Digging deeper into character relationships, into their core conflict, can elevate the scene. Character traits: I missed Carly being evasive and polite. Using her subtext would have added to the scene as to what she is hiding. Marcus appeared overly apologetic without sincerity and did not seem strategic or commanding, his subtext harder to nail down. Was he setting Carly up to lose or himself? Despite deviating from the parameters given for the scene, you created one that entertained and kept me engaged to the end. Perhaps, fewer skill sheet elements, worked better for this lighthearted piece.
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Thanks for that Rebecca! The funny thing is that I actually had the Skills Sheet and traits in front of me and really did try to develop all the traits. I tend to be a more subtle writer than some – maybe too subtle – but regardless my intent is to make more human characters. I always love the more human and the more subtle – that’s my background and relates to the kinds of films I admire. At any rate, thank you for helping me grapple with this in my writing. The bottom line is I do believe I could go back and layer the traits in a less subtle way. When I write action scripts (I have written a few) it tends to be easier for me to weave in stronger character traits. This scene I would rank more of a character piece. Thanks again.
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Don,
Good job working in the interest techniques. I would have liked the scene to stay focused on one piece of conflict. Perhaps just when the people come for the prize, Marcus and Carley have a big disagreement. I am guessing you were trying to set it up, but personally, I think it would have been more interesting if it started right away with the people at the door. Great job. Thanks for sharing!
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Thanks for that Carol!
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Hi Don,
Great Read! I love the back and forth with the name. It’s a reality that I see in my home with my wife. So adding that running joke is fantastic. It was and interesting choice to make him so apologetic that it takes him over. His wanting to get a fake ID is good showing his imaginative trait. All of her traits came out. It could have more awkwardness if you had him invite the officials in and they had their back and forth with them in the room. Great job! Thanks!
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This is very fun and interesting! I think that the profound part is comparing good fortune to wealth and true love… isn’t one just like the other, and so what if our name is different? keep up the good work!
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Lesson 26, Cycle 6
Rebecca’s QE Cycle 6 – Draft 3
Logline: Co-workers, just friends, climb down into a crevice, bicker, but pull together for survival during a surprise thunderstorm and flash flood.
Essence: He wants her. He’s her crush, but fear forces her push him away.
SCENE:
EXT. NELSON LEDGES PARK – AFTERNOON
1966, beautiful Spring day. MARCUS Mosel (24, athletic, smart) and co-worker, CARLY Albert (24, naturally luscious but reserved) stand at the edge of a steep cliff. He carries a backpack, picnic lunch and wine inside; Carly a small hip bag filled with minimal survival gear.
CARLY
Don’t you think we should wait for your friends?
MARCUS
They’re not coming.
She smacks him on the shoulder.
CARLY
You tricked me. There’s just us? I’m not sure I want to go any farther.
MARCUS
And waste this beautiful afternoon? Don’t worry; I’ll behave.
CARLY
Where now?
Marcus points into the crevasse.
Carly stares down at at the steep wall and bites her lip.
CARLY
Here? I don’t think I can do this. I’m not good with heights.
Marcus flashes a dazzling smile (perfect teeth) complete with sparkling blue eyes.
MARCUS
I thought you were a hardy farm girl. Come on; I’ll go down first and guide you. Trust me.
She controls her fear and follows his instructions down the steep wall.follows. She missteps, his hand guides her foot, and he catches at the bottom.
MARCUS
You did it. Be prepared for a treat, one of my favorite places.
CONTINUOUS:
They walk in silence along the bottom by a trickling creek, a beautiful world of moss, hanging roots, vines, and fairy waterfalls. The canyon opens into a wider area with a big rock, calm pool, and thin trickles of water that fall from the cliff.
CARLY
This is magical, so lovely.
Overheard, black clouds block out the sun. A rumble of thunder rolls down the canyon. Marcus and Carly check the sky.
CARLY
Marcus, I hate lightning more than heights; flash floods terrify me. Let’s go back.
Marcus looks around for a plan, the walls too steep and slick. He spies a familiar climbable ledge a short distance ahead. The rain pours.
CARLY
(Snippy)
Didn’t you think to check the weather?
MARCUS
(Snappy)
Did you? Follow me.
CARLY
Where, into more danger? Let’s go back the way we came.
The rain moves from heavy to deluge.
MARCUS
Not an option.
He grabs her arm and pulls her along. Numerous waterfalls flow in a heavy stream. The trail disappears, the rising water flows faster. They run to a\ledge. Marcus climbs up a few feet and throws his backpack over the edge. He jumps back down.
MARCUS
Carly, stand on my shoulders and climb up.
Marcus squats; Carly climbs on his shoulders, carefully stands, and clambers onto the ledge. The water rises even faster. Marcus jumps up and scales the wall to reach Carly. He helps boost her to an outcropping higher up and follows.
Lightning streaks; a loud boom explodes. Startled, Carly inches backward to a bush and grabs it, dizzy as she looks down on the swift flow of rising water as it pulses through the narrow canyon.
MARCUS
Carly, you got a rope in your pack?
He rummages in his backpack and pulls out a metal spike loop, hammer, and 10-foot line. He hammers the anchor into a rock at the rear of the ledge.
CARLY
(Sarcastic)
Ok, genius, now what?
MARCUS
Insurance in case the water reaches this high.
He ties the rope securely to the metal loop.
MARCUS (CONT.)
Now tie your rope to the bush and hand me the loose end.
CARLY
Why? I might need it.
MARCUS
Shut up and give me the rope.
Carly glares but ties her rope to the bush. She delivers the other end with a dramatic throw, steps backward, and falls into the rushing water. Marcus pulls out the bush and throws it to Carly. She grabs it; water covers her face. Marcus struggles against the current to pull her back. He lifts Carly and bush out of the water, pulls her to safety. Carly shakes all over. Thankful, Marcus hugs her close; she pulls away, embarrassed, still shaking. He draws her backward to a sheltering shallow cave.
CARLY
(Vibrating voice)
I’m ok, just shivery.
Marcus digs into his backpack, pulls out a blanket, and rips off her shirt. Carly slaps his face. He grabs her arm and pulls off her hip pack.
MARCUS
Take off your bra, and shorts.
Carly’s face distorts with fear. He rubs his face.
MARCUS
I’m not going to hurt you. I’m trying to save you.
He holds the blanket up high between them and looks away. Carly drops the clothing. He gently wraps the blanket around her and holds up her pack.
MARCUS
Do you carry matches in here?
Carly, shaking uncontrolled, nods yes.
MARCUS (CONT.)
I hope they’re waterproof.
She nods again. Marcus finds matches, wax candle, and a Swiss Army knife. He finds dry sticks in the cave and builds a fire near the mouth. He shakes out the bush, leans it against a wall, and removes his tee-shirt, and places it along with Carly’s clothes on the branches to dry.
CARLY
(Shaking voice)
I’m so cold and can’t stop shaking.
MARCUS
Forgive me for acting inappropriate, but I need to share the blanket and my body heat to keep you warm. Hypothermia will send you into shock.
Carly turns her face away, opens the blanket. Marcus places his body against hers and pulls them prone to the cave floor. They both remain silent until the shaking slows to a stop.
MARCUS
Feeling warmer?
CARLY
Yes.
MARCUS
Good.
He jumps out from under the blanket and turns his back to her and out into the rain to cool his manhood.
CARLY
Do you always know the right thing to do?
MARCUS
For me, there’s no right or wrong way, just possibilities and probabilities.
He leans out over the ledge to check the water levels and replaces his shirt.
CARLY
How high?
MARCUS
Me or the water? Sorry, it’s about two feet below the ledge.
He sits beside Carly lost in thought. Carly prays. Soon the rain stops. He rechecks the water level.
MARCUS
Not much higher. I think we’re safe for now unless the rain kicks in again. After adding more wood to the small fire, he snuggles close to her.
CARLY
How long before the water goes down?
MARCUS
What’s your guess, farm girl?
CARLY
I don’t know. I’m cold, thirsty, and hungry. What if the water takes days to go down? Do we swim out? No one knows where we are. I could lose my job. It’s dark outside, and I’ve never felt so helpless.
MARCUS
Unrealistic fears. Why do you think I know all the answers?
CARLY
You always do, so damn smart.
Carly’s lip quivers. Tears flood.
CARLY
I’m sorry. I should be grateful you saved my life not once but twice and all I do is complain. I’m usually more resilient.
MARCUS
I’m the one who messed up, put you in danger. I had planned something much different for our first date.
CARLY
It wasn’t a date, just a hike with a friend. What did YOU have in mind?
MARCUS
Not what you’re thinking. Just the two of us, a simple picnic on the rock by the pool, conversation, dinner after the hike. Every time I try to get to know you better, you get distracted or push me away.
Carly softens.
CARLY
I guess I misjudged you. I apologize for that.
Marcus brightens, beams his pearly whites.
MARCUS
At least, we still have the picnic.
He rummages into his backpack and pulls out cheese, salami, a baguette, and a kitchen knife. His hand reaches back in for a bottle of wine, cork puller, and two plastic cups. Carly spreads out the blanket for him to share. She redresses into her partially dried shirt and shorts and hands him a small water bottle from the hip pack.
CARLY
Perhaps, we should ration what we have.
She eyes the spread on the blanket and tears up.
CARLY
I’m not usually this emotional. Thank you, this is nice.
They eat, drink, and converse.
MARCUS
We’ve known, excuse me, been co-workers for a year and a half now. I notice that you constantly change the subject or joke around when I try to get personal. Why?
She gulps her wine.
CARLY
You tease me a lot, so I joke. I fear if I take the bait, you’ll mock me. I’m not beautiful or glamorous, just a plain nerdy Chemist.
MARCUS
Teasing? It’s called flirting.
She remains silent as she debates letting her guard down.
MARCUS (CONT.)
If you don’t understand flirting, then you, my dear, despite your numerous assets, have been sorely neglected.
CARLY
Most men scheme to get into my bra. They think my IQ is inversely proportional to my cup size until they learn I work in a Chemistry lab and dump me after one date. I refuse to be a one-night stand. I worked too hard to get where I am. I don’t want an unplanned pregnancy to ruin my life.
She contacts with his eyes.
CARLY (Cont.)
Or kill MY possibilities. Frankly, Marcus, I’m uncomfortable around you, feel awkward, you’re just too much.
He’s puzzled.
MARCUS
Why? I respect you, your work ethic, kindness, humor, bright mind, even being overly helpful.
CARLY
What do you mean overly helpful? Bossy?
MARCUS
You always go by the manual, need to do things the correct way. Manuals often provide wrong information. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, just choices. How do I make you uncomfortable?
His eyes bore into hers. Carly avoids his stare and squints into her cup.
CARLY
Because?
MARCUS
That’s a lame answer. Do I threaten you? Tell me.
He lifts her chin and gazes into her eyes. She melts, her voice soft.
CARLY
Yes, you threaten my future and yours. You wake up feelings, in me. I find it too easy to love you. But, it can never work out for us, better to save the heartache.
Her reply startles him, renders him speechless. He gets busy packing up the food, adding more fuel to the fire. He sits down opposite her. She shrinks into herself.
MARCUS
Question truth time. I ask you a question. You get to ask me one. Tell me about the farm. Did you always live there?
Carly, uncomfortable, stares into her wine.
CARLY
No. We lived in a pretty house on a lake in New Jersey until I was ten. My father moved two years earlier. Mom and I would visit until she sold the house. The farm was isolated, the buildings in a deep valley, a long walk uphill on a rutted lane to the bus stop. No electricity, running water, toilet down the path, and the bath tub hung on the wall. I learned how to care for chickens, milk a goat, and help my father with the sheep. My dog and I watched them during the day, no fencing. I’d take a bag of books with me and read to pass the time. That’s it. You asked.
She smiles, giddy, and sips more wine. Marcus chuckles.
MARCUS
See that wasn’t so hard. Your turn.
CARLY
Is it true that your father heads the FBI office in Cleveland?
MARCUS
Yes. Do you have any siblings?
Her face turns sad.
CARLY
Only one living brother. He’s fourteen years older. My other brother, ten years older, drowned saving his dog. You?
His face shows compassion.
MARCUS
I’m the only one. Why did your father move to the farm?
Carly leans out of the cave and looks up at the night sky, the clouds replaced by millions of stars. She points upward.
CARLY
Marcus, look. So many stars. You can see the Milky Way. It’s almost hard to make out the constellations. I love to look at them and think about the legends behind the names. How about you?
Marcus takes a quick look.
MARCUS
You’re doing it again, avoiding my question. I can play name the constellations too. See that red-looking star. It’s not a star but the planet my mother named me for.
Carly, tipsy now, rambles on.
CARLY
Mars? Of course, Marcus, Latin for Mars. So, you like astronomy.
MARCUS
My mother teaches it at Western Reserve. I plan to start work at Lewis Field NASA this fall. I still have a year to complete my PhD. I’ll be busy.
The couple moves back to the cave under the cave and snuggle close.
CARLY
Your last name, Mosel, Jewish?
MARCUS
My grandfather was, my grandmother catholic. She raised my father in her faith, and he married my mother, a Lutheran. What about you?
CARLY
My family doesn’t belong to a religion. I went to a Presbyterian church when young and attended a Lutheran College. I guess I’m an unaffiliated Christian.
MARCUS
Does your mother have a career?
CARLY
Yes, homemaker, the glue that holds our family together. Please don’t ask me again about my father.
She shivers; he wraps the blanket around her, pulls her close, and kisses her. This time she responds. He pulls the blanket around both of them. They sink to the cave floor and lean against the wall.
MARCUS
Do you believe in fate? Irony?
CARLY
I think so. This disastrous outing could be our fate to get closer so we can survive.
MARCUS
A story to tell our grandchildren.
She ignores the comment.
CARLY
Irony? I’m not what you think I am. If you only knew.
MARCUS
Knew what? Mystery woman, what are you hiding that has so inhibited your life? Carly, I love everything about you. You can confide in me, release the burden so you can move on. I promise not to tell anyone.
CARLY
Especially not your dad? Please, if certain people find my father, they will kill him and the rest of our family. That’s why we went into hiding.
Marcus looks into her eyes. She melts against him.
MARCUS
I promise to protect you, not tell anyone, especially my father.
Carly blurts it out.
CARLY
My real name isn’t Carly Albert; my father was a high-ranking member of the Communist Party.
MARCUS
Are you serious?
CARLY
Dead serious. Pap tried to leave. They wouldn’t let him because he knew too much. They took out a contract to kill him and later threatened the rest of us. He left, we followed later and disappeared. Neither the FBI nor their covert communist agents could find us. That’s why there’s no future for you and me, only tonight or until the water goes down.
She breaks into tears. Marcus pulls her closer and kisses them away.
MARCUS
Marry me, Carly. I’ll protect you and your secret. Marry me.
Shocked, Carly starts to speak. Marcus kisses the words into silence.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Rebecca Sukle.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Rebecca Sukle.
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Hi Rebecca –
As usual, great work! As I went through the scene kept a running list of the character traits, and indeed checked off all the traits for both Carly and Marcus. I was a little concerned Carly wouldn’t get to ‘caring’ but then her father and family story at the end solidified that for me. As far as interest techniques, I mostly saw suspense, being ‘misled’, uncertainty-fear, and intrigue-surprise. All there and doing their job for moving the scene forward with interest. On the critical side, there are some moments where I feel the exposition and ‘explaining’ about things might be a little on the nose and you could have sought out ways to reveal things through action (but you did do a lot of that!). There’s a lot to unpack – and a lot going into this scene because you’re trying to get a lot done in a short amount of time. My sense is that this could actually gel into a longer script, and some of the ‘on the nose’ exposition could become scene work — that is if the story were developed further. Thanks for the read, Rebecca!
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Thank you, Don, for your helpful feedback. I concur that I need less exposition. I plan to do one more rewrite using your suggestions just for the practice. I wrote the scene to be part of a larger work because a cliff hanger was required to draw viewers into the next scene. I like how you managed to tell a complete story in one scene, one location. I found this assignment to be the most challenging as we needed to fit all of the skill set into one scene. It proved hard for me to to that and keep it short. Best of luck and success with your future screenwriting endeavors.
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Thanks, Rebecca – I’ve also enjoyed the process and wish you success as well!
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Great job in working the techniques! I liked the setting, too. I would have liked to have seen more conflict all the way through. It felt a little muddled in some parts. Good job. Thanks for posting!
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Hi Rebecca,
Great work! Top notch dialogue. Did you watch some Q.T. or Aaron Sorkin over the past week? LOL. I thought the ending was great, even though I got lost a bit in the middle of the scene, the ending really glued it together. Like others I liked the setting as well, I felt there wasn’t intrigue until she started talking about herself. Now critically id didn’t see Marcus’s subtext, I felt that getting her to spill the beans was a set up but having her lose to him seemed forced. Other than that great work and good read!
Best
Doug
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I liked these descriptions in this scene.. very exciting! I think- maybe they could’ve had a more pronounced argument, but it is an inventive story with good atmosphere. Keep up the good work!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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LOGLINE: A young woman tries to stop a YouTuber from haggling with market venders in Kathmandu.
ESSENCE: Earthquakes have a way of bringing people together.
What I learned doing this lesson is I am a corny romantic!
EXT. KATHMANDU MARKET – DAY
Noise and people populate the background of MARCUS KELLY’S YouTube movie as he walks through the markets of Kathmandu. He’s in his 30, has brown curly hair, tan skin, and a chubby baby face. Who could refuse this man?
He stops and looks at the camera.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, everybody! I’m in Kathmandu at Ason Tole. Take your mind back 1,500 years ago and you’ll find yourself at the beginning of this ancient market. Today, I’ll walk you through on to how to get the cheapest prices for anything you want.
He walks to a stall selling trekking socks. A WOMAN (60s), wearing a winter coat, but clearly Hindu with her red bindi dot on the forehead and scarf around her head, smiles and nods.
Marcus faces the camera.
MARCUS KELLY
Here we have a Hindu woman selling trekking socks. You need them when climbing the Himalayas. Can you see them behind me? Kathmandu is in a valley surrounded by these vast mountains.
He grabs a pair of socks wrapped in cellophane.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey! How much?
WOMAN
(heavy accent)
Two-thousand.
MARCUS KELLY
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you? How much?
WOMAN
Two-thousand.
MARCUS KELLY
Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have that kind of money on me. How about 500?
The woman shakes her head.
WOMAN
One thousand nine-hundred.
MARCUS KELLY
Five-fifty or I walk away. Do you want the people watching this to think you’re trying to rip off an American?
CARLEY(late 20s), with red hair and freckles, watches. She’s wearing a white veil along with a sari covered with a ragged coat. On her feet are Uggs that look to have been passed down from several generations. Her big toe pokes out of one of them.
She grabs Marcus by the lapel.
CARLEY
Do you want your two precious viewers to think you’re ripping off these poor souls?
MARCUS KELLY
Cut!
He backs away.
MARCUS KELLY
I’m sorry, but I have over five million viewers.
CARLEY
Five million? Are you sure they’re viewers and not bots?
MARCUS KELLY
Ha, ha. How many viewers do you have? Oh, pardon me, you’re just some beggar woman harassing people trying to do their JOBS.
CARLEY
Pay the woman what she wants or put the socks back.
MARCUS KELLY
Or what? Little Redheaded Hindu girl is going to, what? Kick me with her Uggs that are older than civilization?
Carley kicks him.
He jumps and grabs his shin.
MARCUS KELLY
Ouch! Don’t you cut your toenails?
CARLEY
You told me to kick you.
MARCUS KELLY
Come on, let’s go. I’m taking you over to the nuns over on Navjoti. They’ll feed you and give you boots that are less dangerous.
CARLEY
No! Just stop this horrible episode. You’re ripping off these people. Ada here is taking care of her grandchildren, who lost their parents in the earthquake. She’s a widow. You’re robbing her of her only income.
The earth begins to tremble. Carley falls into Marcus’s arms. They look into each other’s eyes.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, get this on camera.
Carley backs away.
The tremor stops.
CARLEY
No! No cameras. Why don’t you buy those socks at full price? She could buy groceries for two weeks with that income.
CAMERA-MAN (O.S.)
Roll film.
Carley turns toward the CAMERA MAN, and tries yanking the camera from him.
CARLEY
No, no. I can’t be on television.
MARCUS KELLY
Ah, you’re a criminal. Hey, Pulisa! Pulisa!
RABIN and PURU, Nepali policemen, appear. They smile at Carley.
RABIN
Sist…
Carley shakes her head and puts her finger to her lips.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, guys, I’m sorry to bother you since you’re busy, but this beggar is harassing me. I think she’s a criminal.
Rabin and Puru chuckle loudly and walk away, shaking their heads.
Marcus squints his eyes.
MARCUS KELLY
Are you related to them? That’s why they were about to call you sister. Or! Or! Yeah, I got it. You’re working undercover.
Marcus motions to the camera man.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, roll the camera again. Let’s follow this so-called undercover pulisa.
The camera turns toward Carley, who rushes over and knocks it down.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, that wasn’t cheap.
CARLEY
How can I be undercover if your two viewers see my face?
She bends down, picks up the camera, turns it off, and hands it to the Camera man.
MARCUS KELLY
Look at how many viewers I have, and they’re not robots!
CARLEY
Fine. Just stop ripping off these people and telling others how to do it.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, I lived in an orphanage, too. I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps. My life was tough. Maybe even tougher than most of these people.
CARLEY
Save it, Marcus. I read your best seller.
MARCUS KELLY
They sell my book here?
CARLEY
No, I pulled it out of the trash at the airport.
The earth trembles again. They fall into each other’s arms. Again, they stare at each other. In a moment, they kiss each other passionately.
MOTHER SUPERIOR walks by and sees them.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I hate when we lose our novices to YouTubers.
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</div>What a fun and engaging read. I loved the clever dialog, and exotic location. Found most of the interest elements in the scene, mystery, intrigue, etc.. I loved the reveal at the end but it didn’t work as a cliff hanger to draw me into the next scene. Carly’s evasion when cornered could have been stronger. Adding more of the Marcus apologetic trait would have made him more likable. Overall, you did a great job with this challenging assignment. Wishing you all the best with your screenwriting career.
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Hi Carol,
Really fun and quick read! Although the ending is a bit of a mystery for me, it seemed out of place and just kind of thrown in, I do think that you had something going where they would kiss though. Marcus’s traits came out except the apologetic trait. I really didn’t see that come out. Carley’s traits were there, and her subtext came out as well. She was a well rounded character. I felt she was a great character and I could see Emma Stone, or Bryce Howard as her in a film version. Great job!
Best
Doug
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QE #6 – REWRITE
Logline: Home-improvement projects get sidetracked with Marcus wants to make strudel and Carley has her own woodworking project in mind.
Essence: All sorts of creativity happens in the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
The kitchen is filled with signs of baking. A sheet pan is on the counter. Nearby sits a bowl of perfectly diced apples, combined with golden raisins and glistening with cinnamon and sugar.
MARCUS, 40s, carefully layers thin sheets of phyllo onto parchment paper. Against all odds, his black T-shirt is still flour-free.
He carefully places another impossibly fragile sheet onto another.
MARCUS
Easy, now. You don’t want to rip the phyllo.
He gently smooths the pile of sheets in front of him.
MARCUS (cont.)
Seven, you want seven layers.
He glances over his shoulder at CARLEY (30s), who’s sitting on the countertop behind him. She stifles a yawn.
CARLEY
This is boring! Who does this anymore?
She hops off the counter. She picks up an unopened envelope on the counter from the power company, flips it over, examining it. FINAL NOTICE is emblazed on the front.
CARLEY
Oh, don’t forget this one. They look serious.
Irritated, Marcus runs his hand over the sheet of phyllo, rips it.
MARCUS
Damn it, Carley! What are you doing here, anyway? It’s late.
CARLEY
Your lights were still on. I just came over to borrow your REI sleeping bag, Markie, not for a baking lesson.
MARCUS
Sorry for cussing. I’m in the middle of the most delicate of part of my baking. Timing is everything.
Carley rolls her head back, gags.
CARLEY (cont.)
I. Just. Need. The. Damn. Sleeping. BAG. Can’t I get it from your garage? It’s with your camping stuff, right?
Marcus sighs. Picks up another sheet.
MARCUS
You. Just. Need. To. Wait.
Carley fumes, paces the kitchen.
MARCUS
What do you need the sleeping bag for now, anyway? It’s nearly midnight.
CARLEY
I’m working on a project.
Marcus picks up the apple concoction.
MARCUS
Another project? With a sleeping bag? Please tell me this won’t involve a knife or fire.
CARLEY
Shut up. Does your Martha Stewart strudel routine help with your nightm—
CRASH! Marcus drops the bowl. Apple bits hit the counter, some land on the floor.
Carley grabs a wad of nearby paper towels and dives to clean up the gushy mess on the floor.
MARCUS
Crap. Your top! And my strudel (beat) You have apple on your shirt.
Carley stands. The paper towel in her hand holds the apple filling from the floor.
She glances down at apple clinging to her scoop-neck top. A few pieces landed on her collar bone. She scrunches her mouth, narrows her eyes.
She slowly, deliberately wipes the apple bits from the paper towel onto Marcus’ black T-shirt.
CARLEY
I. Just. Need. The. Damn. Sleeping. Bag.
Marcus stops her hand, holds it tight. She yanks it back.
MARCUS
Sorry. You. Need. To. Wait.
They glare at each other, standing close.
CARLEY
(quietly)
For … ?
Marcus raises an eyebrow.
MARCUS
(quietly)
Let’s get it together.
-
Hi Hope,
Love this! Gets right to the point! I have a terrible time trying to work in the maximum interest techniques, so I’m only saying that maybe you could have worked in a little more of them in this. I don’t know what to recommend, but maybe go through this with the techniques in front of you in another rewrite. However, I really loved this! Cute! Thanks for posting!
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Hi Hope,
As a retired chef, I liked this. In cooking or baking it’s really annoying when someone messes you up in the kitchen. I like that there was a cutoff with what I’m guessing is the word nightmare or night terrors. This seems like a scene from a broader film that could be a horror. Carley’s traits didn’t come out that clearly, I didn’t see her politeness or caring. It seems like you changed her traits? Marcus’s traits came out except his strategic trait which hurts his subtext. I still liked reading this scene, it was fun! I could see the scene and after all isn’t that what we are here to do.
Best
Doug
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Critique Scene- QE#6
Logline: At Shilo Manor Marcus reveals why he has brought everyone together, putting Carley in spot revealing who she really is.
EXT. SHILO MANOR – NIGHT
A flash of heat lightning ignites the sky before the thunder revealing this gothic marvel. Wrought iron and brick fences surround the house. Another flash in the sky reveals eyes.
The eyes dissolve into a knocker with a joker clown face. It’s smile is unsettling. There is a swinging light above the door.
CARLEY 25, cross-fit has nothing on her, stands at the majestic door a backpack slung over one shoulder and a laptop bag in her hand.
She stares at the knocker. Is it staring at her. She moves slightly side to side watching the eyes.
CARLEY
(To herself) You know you should be more nice it’s a new century.
MARCUS (O.S.) (BEHIND THE DOOR)
You know you’re late.
She is not impressed with his tone. The door opens loudly with a squeak filling Carley with light. MARCUS 29, he’s a work in progress, stands hand on his hip grin ear to ear.
Carley smiles and nods, she looks at the threshold and sighs.
CARLEY
Aren’t you going to invite me in?
She makes a pouty face. Marcus rolls his eyes and waves her in.
MARCUS
Come on in.
She enters the house looking at the floor holding her breath. Marcus shuts the door with a bang.
INT. SHILO MANOR- DRAWING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
The drawing room is wide and looks like it was updated in the…
MARCUS
Yeah the previous owner bought the manor in 1985 and as you can see…
Marcus is addressing a group of 3 people, Carley, and CHAD 30’S stoner type, sit on a couch.DR. EGRESS, 50’S stands across the room at an art deco bar.
She’s paying little attention to Marcus and looking at a painting on the wall.
CARLEY
Well, it’s not that bad just not what I was expecting when you said Gothic Haunted House.
MARCUS
I know. I know. I thought we would like some “newer” comforts. Dr Egress?
She looks at the room but doesn’t stand to address the people in the room. Marcus sits next to Carley on the couch.
DR. EGRESS
Well we are all here for one reason.
She pauses for effect, looking at Chad she raises her eyebrows in disapproval as he is on his phone.
DR. EGRESS
And it’s not to be on those silly things.
She jumps up and points to the counter there is a row of monitors showing different rooms and a thermal monitor.
DR. EGRESS
But to prove there is life after death!
Carley smiles and claps, Marcus leans in and claps as well. Chad is unimpressed
CHAD
Yeah. So great to be here.
DR. EGRESS
Well I didn’t invite you, you little shit.
He puts down his phone and clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth.
MARCUS
I did.
DR. EGRESS
Figures you would. Is this punishment or something else?
Carley is aghast, she looks at him mouth agape.
CARLEY
You didn’t? They broke up, that’s so messed up.
Marcus shrugs and smirks. He’s not saying something.
DR. EGRESS
He’s a skeptic my dear. His ego would not be able to handle the truth so he made sure I would be distracted with pettiness and not focus on my work.
CHAD
No what’s messed up is that painting on the wall. It looks like you Car.
They all look at a medium size painting on the wall in front of them. It looks exactly like Carley, she is in 17th century dress and sits on a throne with 2 dogs at her feet.
DR. EGRESS
I was wondering child, if that was a relative.
All eyes are on Carley, she looks at the painting and then at her companions. She is not as shocked as they are. She stands and addresses them in front of the painting.
CARLEY
I wouldn’t know. Chad are you sure you want to stay?
Chad nods. Marcus’s eyes move from the painting and back to Carley several times. He is taking in everything.
DR. EGRESS
Chad dear, just don’t bed her again. I need her brain.
Chad drops his phone. They all look at Egress. Marcus looks at Carley, her head drops as they make eye contact.
DR. EGRESS
Oh. You didn’t know Son.
MARCUS
I had my suspicions (Leering at Chad) but ya’ll confirmed them. Why do you think I set up this weekend?
He stands and walks to Carley, she is still looking at the ground. He gently puts his hand on her chin lifting her face to look at his.
CARLEY
Enjoying yourself?
He grips her and shoves her back towards Egress. Chad jumps up and takes a step towards Marcus. Marcus spins around and quickly puts Chad on his ass.
MARCUS
Shit! I’m sorry. This is too much.
DR. EGRESS
BOYS! ENOUGH! If anybody should be jilted it’s me. You drag me out here for this ruse for what?
Marcus steps away from Chad and turns to Carley.
MARCUS
It’s your house Car. And you know it. Tell them!
CARLEY
I didn’t mean to, sleep with him it was impulse for me. I need you to know that.
She moves to take his hand but he pushes her with both hands sending her flying back into the air. Dr. Egress jumps to catch her, but stops mid run.
The men’s eyes widen and Egress stands over the floating Carley.
MARCUS
What the fuck?
Dr. Egress looks at her monitors, she does not see Carley on the video, she does not see her heat signature on the thermal cam monitor.
DR. EGRESS
She’s not registering. This could be a possession. I told you this was..
Carley slowly floats upright three feet off the floor. She looks at the shock and awe on their faces. Her eyes are no longer blue but bloodshot yellow.
CARLEY
(Groaning) Ghosts aren’t real.
MARCUS
Holy shit!
CHAD
What the hell are you?
Carley smiles revealing pointed incisors and laughs uneasily.
CARLEY
But vampires are. Surprise!
Dr. Egress walks up to her touching her. Chad lets out a high pitched scream.
DR. EGRESS
Fascinating. Child you are a marvel.
CARLEY
I’m 500 years old so please stop with the condescending tones.
Marcus walks slowly to her, she lowers her feet to the floor meeting him. His eyes are wide and he doesn’t know what to say.
He tries to speak but Carley puts her finger on his lips. She pulls his head down and kisses him.
CARLEY
I knew your ruse. I’ve searched for someone to share this immortality with, and I found you.
Marcus is stunned and cant stop himself from kissing her, he turns his head to the side. His vein is a lover for her teeth as she bites.
Carley releases blood fills her teeth and mouth. She forces Marcus to his knees as she pokes her finger with a sharp fingernail and releases a drop of blood onto his tongue.
MARCUS
Thank you. I’ve been waiting for this since I found you.
-
Nice atmosphere! Good ideas! The characters are developed well and it’s imaginative. Very enjoyable so far…
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SUBJECT: Monica’s QE Cycle #6: Re-Write this Scene
LOGLINE: Two witches disagree on how to return magic to the Earth.
ESSENCE: Magic can be found in the mundane.
SCENE:
EXT. FOREST CLEARING – NIGHT
A full moon shines its light onto the clearing in the forest. A circle of stones surround a bonfire. In the circle a table covered in a white cloth stands. Candles burn at the four corners. Incense wafts over the table from stone bowls suspended on stands.
Several hooded figures form another circle close to the trees. Their cloaks are white. There are two people whose cloaks are red. They stand at either end of the table within the circle.
One of the white hooded figures steps into the circle. This is the HIGH PRIESTESS, tall, 50s, long white hair with a streak of black. She stands at the centre position of the table.
HIGH PRIESTESS
We gather in the light of the full moon to perform the ritual to bring magic back to the world.
She looks from one to the other of the red hooded figures.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Carley and Marcus do you, of your own free will, agree to participate in this ritual.Shedding his cloak, MARCUS, 30s, tall, well-built, with dazzling blue eyes and dark hair, stands naked before the Coven.
MARCUS
I do.
All eyes are on CARLEY, 30s, petite, thin with dark eyes and long dark hair, avoids eye contact with the other members of the coven. Hugs her cloak closer to her body.
HIGH PRIESTESS
(gently)Carley, do you still wish to participate.
CARLEY
(whispers)
I don’t see how having sex with HIM is going to bring magic back to the world.
HIGH PRIESTESS
We’ve gone over this. You’re the only virgin we could find. And we need the blood of a virgin for the ritual to work.CARLEY
How do I know he’s even clean? Someone like him has probably had many lovers.
MARCUS
Never had a virgin before.
(to Carley)
I promise I’ll be gentle. But we need to hurry up or the power of the full moon will be wasted on her evasiveness. Now get on with it woman, take your cloak off.
HIGH PRIESTESS
That’s enough.MARCUS
I’d have already taken her. When I’m high priest if I have to tie them down and rape them I will.
CARLEY
Really? Then you’ll never be the high priest.
Carley walks up to Marcus. Looks him up and down.
CARLEY
You don’t know the first thing about honour, or ritual.
She starts to back away and right into a large cloaked figure who grasps her by the upper arms.
HIGH PRIESTESS
ENOUGH! A ritual infused with violence doesn’t accomplish our purposes.
MARCUS
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so blunt. But there’s nowhere to run. This was your choice. And choices have consequences.
The cloaked figure rips Carley’s robe off her. She stands naked before the coven. The rest of the coven shed their robes also. They step into the circle.
CARLEY
I’m not afraid, as much as you’d like to think I am. But I’ve never heard of this ritual before.
MARCUS
It’s old magic. Now get on the table on your back.
CARLEY
No, thank you. I want someone else. One who preferably doesn’t have the macho ego you do.
MARCUS
I’m all you got, sweetie. There isn’t anyone else.
CARLEY
In an ordinary day he’d be the last man I’d sleep with.
MARCUS
Where is this coming from?
CARLEY
From my sense of self-respect. Where are you coming from?
Marcus snorts. He saunters around the table. Carley matches his movements in the opposite direction.
MARCUS
We don’t have time for her games.
The High Priestess grabs Carley’s arm.
HIGH PRIESTESS
I am sorry. I did not realize how upset you would be.CARLEY
Not to worry.
Marcus reaches Carley. The High Priestess lets go of her arm. Carley makes a fist and spins and hits Marcus in the face. Marcus falls back on his ass on the ground.
MARCUS
What the hell was that for?
CARLEY
That’s for making this perverted instead of sacred.
Marcus slowly gets up. Working his jaw back and forth.
MARCUS
It’s sex. That’s all.
CARLEY
That’s all. That’s all. How did you even get to be a witch?
MARCUS
Family tradition. Look I’m sorry if you’re upset. But the full moon power is not going to have the effect we hope for if you keep this up.
Marcus warily approaches Carley. He reaches out his hand. She reluctantly takes it.
CARLEY
I want them all to turn around.
MARCUS
Everyone face the forest.
HIGH PRIESTESS
(turns)
Well I never.
MARCUS
Yes you have. Don’t you remember our first time? I’m wounded.
The High Priestess stiffens. Marcus takes Carley in his arms. They kiss.
MARCUS
(to Carley)
Now up on the table…
Marcus grabs Carley. She kicks him. Punches his arms. Marcus tightens his grip on her. Forces her on the table.
MARCUS
I’m really sorry this is so difficult for you. I’ll be gentle.
He holds her down. Just as he’s about to do the deed….Carley stops struggling. Smiles. Brings his head down to her face. Kisses him passionately. Releases his head.
CARLEY
I’ve had better kissers. And bigger men in the sex department.
HIGH PRIESTESS
What?! You’re supposed to be a virgin.
-
Hey! This is good in scenic depiction.. I would like to read more about what happens as the action is cool… and this is an interesting twist at the end. Not a bad storyline and the characters are cool… a fantastic story in the works!
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Kathy S
QE #6 Cycle
Logline: Marcus and Carley are at the grocery store shopping. They have just slept together and are a new couple. Both are nervous just slightly, especially about where to end up making their dinner and who they might share it with. Marcus insists it should be his friend Bryan who has no one of his own. Finally, Carley convinces Marcus to stop at her mother’s house and eat. There is a romantic moment when arriving there, he asks her to marry him and gives her a kiss.
Essence: We all share these moments as couples when we want to make others included but realize that the most special bond is shared in marriage alone. There is a tense car ride while Marcus tries to explain to Carley that his friend Bryan also means a lot to him. She almost thinks it’s too much responsibility.
Scene: Marcus and Carley are at the grocery store filling up a cart. They are happy and decide to have dinner together. They have been on several dates, and are shopping after having slept together a couple times.
MARCUS
For dinner tonight… you’re staying again right? With escargots! How about snails?
CARLEY
Marcus, not if I have to eat snails… Do you like them? Here-
(Putting groceries in the cart.)
These are the freshest vegetables for our salad… and let’s bring a watermelon to share.
MARCUS
Yes, Carley. Take some corn… we’ll eat dinner together. Just like we’ve been together a long time… but it really hasn’t been long, has it?
CARLEY
It’s only a couple dates and we’re already filling an entire grocery cart. Did you tell your Dad yet?
MARCUS
I enjoyed last night. You really should be in a two story house with a garden… kids to feed. A puppy dog. Did I not suggest that we could even stay together?
CARLEY
You’re apartment is nice enough, but you haven’t met my mother. When you see my condo- you’re gonna like it. It’s almost big enough for two.
MARCUS
Don’t think I can’t afford a home…! What I need is a place with a real sky lit studio, a private office for me… a work out room all our own. I just had no one to share it with.
CARLEY
(Looks nervously at her cell phone clock which is buzzing)
Oh, boy! Is it time already? Mom’s calling… It’s almost six o’clock. We should get going, come on!
AFTER THE CHECK OUT LINE
The two of them load groceries into his car trunk. They get in and talk as they drive.
MARCUS
Let’s go, Carley. Come on.
CARLEY
I have work tomorrow, but I guess making dinner will be a breeze. Do you want to stop at my mothers house?
MARCUS
What for? Well, I guess if you want to make dinner we could include other people. How about my friend Bryan at his place? It’s a lot closer. I already texted him that we would drop by…
CARLEY
Closer? I think my mother should meet you. She just starts to worry… and is calling already.
MARCUS
Calling already? Well- doesn’t she know who I am? It’s a long time, I’m your lover… I can’t wait to show off my chick. But- if you don’t feel like bein shown off, and would rather go home. Maybe that would be alright for a while.
CARLEY
Alright? What do you mean maybe? Why are you thinking about showing me to your friend Bryan? Mother hasn’t met you yet.
MARCUS
Okay- to meet your mother, but now right now. I have Bryan to think about.
CARLEY
Bryan? He’s not married?
MARCUS
Yeah, he’s single. I said I’d bring over some chicks come to feed him… And he’s alone.
CARLEY
What?! I’m a chick but I’m just one person. You want me to feed your friends? I thought we were gong to be together for dinner. I wanted to introduce you to my mother tonight.
MARCUS
I know but Bryan hasn’t met you.
CARLEY
What do you mean? You mean I should bring a girl friend.
MARCUS
I won’t do anything unless he tells me. I mean-
CARLEY
Anything? Marcus! You’re driving me insane.
MARCUS
He never told me to meet your family. Bryan’s like my other half…
CARLEY
Fine. I don’t think I can feed both of you. Why don’t you drop me off at my mother’s.
MARCUS
Ahh- Carley! Don’t you want to spend the night?
CARLEY
Oh, like last night and the night before? What about when is this… getting too serious for me? How could you expect me to be there every night… I have to work.
MARCUS
Work. I thought you really liked me.
CARLEY
Yeah, I guess.
MARCUS
Tonight? What about Bryan?
CARLEY
Gosh Marcus! How aggravating. Bryan has nothing to do with it. Stop at my mother’s house right now. I want to see how she’s doing.
MARCUS
Well, okay- I’m sorry dear. I didn’t mean to be insistent about feeding Bryan. You know I do want to explain to her that I’m concerned for your well-being. After all, you just became my girl. Carley- I’m just a little nervous about it.
CARLEY
As long as you won’t share me with your friend. We could move in together.
MARCUS
Ah, Carley! You’re my sweetheart, then. But- not without your mother’s approval. Then we’ll tell my Dad!
CARLEY
Do you really think he’ll approve?
MARCUS
We both like dinner with escargots.
CARLEY
Snails! Did I say I don’t ilke those?
MARCUS
How come you’re so slow then?
CARLEY
Slow at what?
MARCUS
At deciding you want to marry me?
CARLEY
Marcus! You mean it really? You want to get married? Are you going to tell my Mom?
MARCUS
I might.
CARLEY
Ha! Come on home then… let’s go tell her right now- you crazy fool! How did you know I like escargots? Huh-
MARCUS
I knew… I was giving you a hard time. You’re taste is very refined. I’m sure we could make a new home together… let’s go tell Mom.
CARLEY
Great! Marcus- did you want to invite Bryan? I really wouldn’t mind… I’m sorry.
MARCUS
That’s nice of you. How about we invite him another time?
Pulling up in front of her mother’s house, they linger in the front seat of Marcus’s car.
CARLEY
Sure. That’s so considerate of you. I’m glad we’re here.
MARCUS
You’re my fiance! You’re really sweet… come here, I want to kiss you.
Carley kisses Marcus. They share a passionate kiss, and a moment of their love’s embrace.
CARLEY
Marcus! Do you really love me a lot? Come on and meet Mom!
MARCUS
Carley, you’re divine… let’s meet my mother-in-law. Come on Sweetie!
CARLEY
Yes, dear!
-
QE # 6 – Rewrite Second Draft
LOGLINE: Reconciling differences isn’t easy.
ESSENCE: Diverse types can overcome difficulties and get together.
SCENE: Carley’s toughness links to Marcus’ being commanding.
Marcus’ being apologetic links to Carley’s politeness.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING
WAITRESS pours coffee for CARLEY, who finishes her breakfast at the counter.
WAITRESS
Did you want pie or fruit with that?CARLEY
Not sure.Waitress refills MARCUS’ coffee. He breakfasts in a booth. Pretends to read a paper.
MARCUS
There’s more sugar in the fruit than the pie.CARLEY
Yogurt, please.
Portion size is the main thing.Waitress brings her yogurt.
MARCUS
That’s better.Carley stares at him as she eats her yogurt, puts cash beside her plate, picks up a toothpick and exits.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
Carley checks her tires and in her car.
Marcus strolls by and looks her way.
CARLEY
Pardon me. But do you
hassle males like you do females?MARCUS
Only when necessary.CARLEY
I’ve seen you before.MARCUS
In a lineup?CARLEY
That’s it. Why were you picked up?MARCUS
Nothing they could prove.CARLEY
What did you do?MARCUS
Usually what I want to.
I was at the right place and time.CARLEY
I’m sure you know which.MARCUS
Depends who’s looking.
You’re with the local P.D.CARLEY
So you are a detective.MARCUS
Please. I have to work for
a living. I do undercover.He holds up his badge.
CARLEY
But you’re still a detective.MARCUS
Driving around interviewing gets
old. No skin in the game. Better
to get down in the dirt and see
to it bent folks don’t win.CARLEY
You care about right or wrong.MARCUS
I tend to let people
do what they’re best at.CARLEY
So you can put them in jail.MARCUS
If they’re so inclined, I assist.She glances around and sees no other cars in the lot
CARLEY
Can I offer you a lift?MARCUS
Would you mind you dropping me at the station?She sees a pistol tucked in his boot.
CARLEY
Which P.D. are you with?MARCUS
State.CARLEY
Then you work high-end political stuff.MARCUS
Unfortunately.CARLEY
You got something on a local?Carley drives them a few blocks and pulls into her police station parking lot.
As they exit the front seat, Marcus pops her trunk and moves to the back of the car.
CARLEY
What the hell!Puzzled, she runs to the back of her car. Cautiously looks in the trunk. Sees a pile of mail.
Her eyes bulge. She gasps.
CARLEY
They put it in the wrong car.Hugs herself with her arms.
MARCUS
Checks stolen from mail boxes
in the apartment next door to you.CARLEY
How? What? Why?MARCUS
I’m sorry. It’s a sensitive cop
case. The grand jury you testified
before indicted your partner Spivak.CARLEY
For shooting that unarmed
Castro kid last month.She shakes her head at the stolen mail.
CARLEY
Why would he do that?Marcus shows her video on his cellphone.
MARCUS
Last night we caught Spivak planting this in your car.CARLEY
But why?MARCUS
His lawyer must think it’ll discredit your testimony.CARLEY
You got him for witness tampering.She leans against the car. Holds her head with her hands.
He unfolds a plastic bag. Fills it with the mail. Takes it inside.
A few minutes later he returns.
She grabs him and kisses him. He kisses her back.
CARLEY
May I take you out to dinner tonight?He smiles, clearly embarrassed.
MARCUS
I’m sorry I strung you along about this.CARLEY
How about you swing by at seven?MARCUS
Let’s meet at the restaurant.Carley is not so sure about that.
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