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Day 28 Assignment
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6 Replies
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Sandra’s QE Cycle #6 Rewrite
LOGLINE: A financial executive tries to set up a plant manager to get his way.
ESSENCE: Collaboration works better than competition.
SCENE: INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Computer screen reads, “ABC Soda Company Profit and Loss Statement. Loss of $200,000 in red at the bottom of the page”. MARCUS (38), handsome, intelligent, impeccably dressed sits behind the computer at his desk. He changes the loss to $500,000.
MARCUS
Sorry, showing a bigger loss is the only way this will work.
He saves it, prints two copies, and replaces the pages in the reports. He shreds the old pages. Packs his briefcase with a laptop and the reports.
INT. ABC SODA FACTORY – DAY
Noisy factory bottles being filled and sealed. Marcus shows his ID. Badge to the security officer at the door.
MARCUS
I’m from the corporate office. Where would I find Carl?
Security officer points to the back of the plant. Marcus approaches a man standing near a machine handing a wrench to someone laying on the floor under a machine. We only see the jean legs and steel toed work boots.
MARCUS
Excuse me, I’m looking for Carl?
Worker looks down at the floor and slightly kicks the boots. CARLEY (35) small and petite comes out from under the machine, stands up and wipes her hands on her jeans. Smiles and offers her hand.
CARLEY
It’s Carley. Carl is my father and he retired a year ago.
MARCUS
My apologies. Is there somewhere quieter where we can talk?
CARLEY
Sure, follow me.
He follows Carley up a metal staircase to the second floor offices, and into a small conference room.
MARCUS
I’m here to talk about the losses the factory continues to show.
CARLEY
Would you like some coffee or something else to drink?
MARCUS
Yes, black coffee please.
Carley leaves the room. Marcus takes out the reports from his briefcase. Carley returns with coffee and a basket of muffins and pastries.
CARLEY
I brought some food in case you’re hungry.
MARCUS
I’m good, thanks. I’ve put a report together. The profit and loss statement is on page three.
Carley quickly glances through the report. She looks at the Recommendation – close the plant.
CARLEY
We’ve been in business for over sixty years, and have a loyal fan base.
MARCUS
Soda pop is a thing of the past, sugar is bad, and the fans are shrinking. Numbers don’t lie.
CARLEY
Sometimes they’re wrong, and sometimes the books have been cooked. I’m not just some small-town hick. I have an MBA from Harvard and I was top in my class. You can’t just go by the numbers, you have to look at the whole picture.
MARCUS
Numbers are the most important part of a decision.
CARLEY
I respectfully disagree. It’s about the people and the product. We’re talking about people’s jobs… Their livelihood. Come with me.
They walk into another room with windows overlooking the plant.
CARLEY
That’s Sue, her husband was killed serving our country. And she’s raising her children alone. Bobby’s wife has breast cancer. Amy’s a single mom with three children. Mary has been working here forty years and put her children through college. Tina’s paying for his mother’s hip replacement.
MARCUS
They’ll get severance pay and find other jobs.
CARLEY
It’s not that simple.
They go back to the conference room. Carley and Marcus continue to argue as they go through the report. We see the clock at noon and they eat lunch at the conference table. The clock shows 3 pm. Carley’s cell phone rings.
CARLEY
Sorry, I have to take this.
She answers the phone and walks to the back of the room.
CARLEY
(whispers)
I’m in a meeting. Make it fast.
(beat)
The answer is NO.
(beat)
That’s not part of the deal.
(beat)
Nope, it’s not negotiable.
She disconnects and walks back to the table.
CARLEY
Now, where were we?
MARCUS
What was that about?
CARLEY
Nothing, let’s get back to work.
Marcus walks over and stands very close to her.
MARCUS
Boggles my mind how you can be soft on this business decision and hard as a rock on something else.
CARLEY
You’re proposing to close a plant that will ruin people’s lives and the economy of a town.
MARCUS
Ok, let’s pretend we don’t close the plant. Do we just down size? Do we turn it into producing something healthy like flavored water or kefir?
CARLEY
(excited)
Yes, those are wonderful ideas!
She hugs him and kisses him. He kisses her back passionately.
FADE TO BLACK.
We hear a gun shot and a thud.
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Ed’s QE # 6 – Rewrite
LOGLINE: A big donation from an unreputable donor has Marcus and Carley feuding over money while discovering suppressed passion.
ESSENCE: The power of love and money
INT. MUSEUM – ARMOR COURT – NIGHT
A medieval armor gallery that has seen better days. The walls lined with ancient, dusty, tapestries. Majestically standing at center court a full armored knight mounted on stuffed horse. His LANCE, extended outward ready to joust.
We see a rat gnawing on the the leather strap holding the lance in its place. After a few bites, The lance, slips, slightly, precariously held in place by the narrowest of a strand. The rat scampers away.
INT. MUSEUM – ARMOR COURT – MORNING
The lights flicker on. In marches MARCUS BLAKE, 40’s. He is the persnickety Director of this struggling museum. He runs a white kerchief over the fixtures, dismayed at the dirt left behind. He rallies at the site of the mounted knight.
MARCUS
(to knight)
What tales have thee to tell today, royal knight? Has the fair maiden who inhabits this castle come to you with news I’m desperate to hear? Sir Knight, as your captor I demand you answer me!
(a beat, Marcus frowns)
Marcus waves the kerchief over the stuffed horse’s armored nose. Dust flies and Marcus expels a healthy sneeze.
INT. MUSEUM – DONOR DEVELOPMENT OFFICE – MORNING
A cramped office. Stacks of correspondence and grants. At the computer keyboard, CASEY O’DONNELL, 30’s, hair tight bun pretends to type out a response.
CASEY
Dear valued benefactor…Although I fully understand your reasons for declining to donate this year…I can’t help but wonder why a person of your means is such a cheap,… low life… son of…
The office door opens. A old MUSEUM GUARD enters. Caught in the in the act.
CASEY
…bitch!
GUARD
I’m sorry, miss. I should’ve knocked.
CASEY
No worries. Always happy to see one of our dedicated volunteers. How are you?
Casey reaches for a correspondence, any correspondence. She leafs through it.
GUARD
Ms. O’Donnell, a man left this envelope at the front desk. He ask that I give it to you personally.
CASEY
(reading a letter)
May I offer you some coffee?
GUARD
No mam, but the man said something else…
CASEY
…Spit it out, as you can see, the needs of this institution are greater than its resources.
Casey, sets down the papers, only to pick up a pen, which she twirls amongst her fingers.
GUARD
The man said…and I quote…Pay great heed to this offer, as opportunity knocks but just once. A battle of wills is never won until the love of the will is defeated.
CASEY
What the hell is that suppose to mean? Never mind. Not your problem. Thank you. We owe a great amount of gratitude to our volunteers. I doubt we’d stay open with out you.
With a tip of his cap, the guard exits. Casey picks up an ornate DAGGER and uses it to slice open the envelope. Out drops a dried rose and a CHECK. She does a double take.
EXT. DONOR’S OFFICE DOOR.
From behind the closed door there’s a tremendous scream of jubilation. The door flings open. Casey runs past the stunned guard with the check envelope in one hand, the dagger in the other.
INT. ARMOR COURT
Sitting on the observation bench, illuminated by the skylight above, Marcus, admires the tapestry on the opposite wall, “AENEAS SAYS FAREWELL TO DIDO.” He ruminates a loud.
MARCUS
Yes, dear Dido, I must follow my destiny and must I leave for Carthage, post haste. For it is the path to follow, should I decide to go. I fear rejection most once I reach port…
Marcus daydreaming disturbed by the firm, yet hushed, voice of Casey.
CASEY
…Mr. Blake!…Mr. BLAKE!…Mr Blake!!
MARCUS
Oh, I do apologize, Ms. O’Donnell. You do know how the romances transport me away.
CASEY
Our ship has come in, Mr. Blake, take a look at this!
Casey hands over the envelope. Marcus takes it as well as noticing the dagger in her hand.
MARCUS
I trust, Ms. O’Donnell if you going to kill me, you do know the blood will be on your hands?
CASEY
Kill you?…Oh…this…it’s merely a letter opener.
MARCUS
(A twinkle in his eye)
Indeed, I’m positive that’s not what Macbeth said.
Casey laughs, a hint of flirtation behind her hardened shell. Marcus takes out the check and the dried rose. He jumps up in astonishment.
MARCUS (Continued)
Ten million dollars?! The Graham Thomas Foundation is donating ten million dollars to our museum?
Marcus concentrates on the check. Weighing the implications. Then raises the check up dramatically above his head and is about to RIP IT in half.
CASEY
Stop! Stop it! Don’t do that. You’ll ruin everything.
MARCUS
Ms. O’Donnell, let me enlighten you. Graham Thomas is an obnoxious, narcissistic, conniving, bore. I shall not, will not, and can not have his name associated with this institution!
A group of giggly school children enter the museum chaperoned by an ELDERLY MAN, wearing a derby hat. He herds the children along with the cane. A look of weary boredom droops over his face.
Casey’s hands reach up and take Marcus’s in them. Their faces are a warm breath apart. Together they lower the check, in tact. Casey holds it close to her bosom. The two separate at the sensation of their touch.
CASEY
I don’t care what the man’s reputation is, Marcus. This money is agnostic. This is the moment we’ve waited for. This gift will save us, and the museum. We can stay together. You won’t have to leave now. Think of the new collection you can curate.
The old man saunters past. He tips his derby hat and stops to admire the mounted knight.
MARCUS
Lower your voice. (contained rage) This is no gift. Graham Thomas will pull ever single string attached to his philanthropical bribe. He’ll replace the board with his own henchman. Next, I’ll be thrown out like the trash. Then he’ll sell off our greatest works, funneling the proceeds into secret bank accounts. As for you, you’ll be named the new puppet director of a tax haven masquerading like a museum. This is not the moment I’ve waited for. Quite the contrary.
CASEY
I’ve just delivered the greatest development gift this museum’s ever seen and you want to pull the rug right out from under me!
MARCUS
If I given the impression of jealously, I am sorry. That is unbecoming. However, this circumstance brings to light, what exactly did you have to do the acquire such a large gift? I wasn’t aware you knew Graham Thomas so intimately.
CASEY
How dare you?
She slaps Marcus across the face. The giggle children become silent. The elderly man clears his throat – loudly.
Marcus shakes off the assault. He locks eyes on the fire behind Casey’s indignant stare.
MARCUS
I guess I had that coming. Still, we must think clearly. You must return the check with a very grateful thank you, but not thank you, letter.
CASEY
I doubt if I could phrase such a letter. Under the circumstances, I find your behavior incomprehensible. Perhaps it’s best we convene after lunch, when one of us can come to their senses.
MARCUS
I won’t change my mind…(Casey turns to leave)…Why the dried rose?
The elderly man with the derby hat intervenes.
Elderly Man
It’s my calling card, dear boy. The rose is Graham Thomas Rose, my name sake as well as a calling card. You see the Graham Thomas Rose is a world’s favorite, an award winner, no less. And yet you disparage me so. Tsk, Tsk.
Casey and Marcus are speechless. Mouths agape, eyes wide.
CASEY
I…I…I am sorry Mr. Thomas. We are very appreciative of your generosity. Just look around, you can see our museum could use your help.
THOMAS
I don’t think Mr. Blake sees it that way. He’s blinded, you know. He has a strong will to survive, but only in his imagination. These works that surround us are not just art, they are his muse for escape. Is that right, Mr. Blake?
MARCUS
I’m afraid once I remove my foot from my mouth I’ve established we’ve got off on the wrong foot, Mr. Thomas. And you’re right. I do find I express my thoughts speaking to these relicts. Like this knight standing proudly above us. A generous gift from a nineteenth century industrialist.
THOMAS
I find art tedious. No wonder you talk to it. What’s more curious is why you bring Ms. O’Donnell, here, into your imaginative conversations.
MARCUS
I must learn to keep my voice down.
CASEY
Shouldn’t we move on? Mr. Blake’s ramblings are getting us off track. Our future is better topic than the past misunderstandings.
THOMAS
Fair enough. Let’s get down to it. My gift has no strings attached, nor nefarious plots to over throw the current regime. It’s buys this institution, one my father admired, time. Time provides many opportunities to those who are brave enough to see the truth. What is your decision?
CASEY
All this talking in circles is making me dizzy.
MARCUS
I hope your world is spinning because of me. I was afraid if I expressed my feelings for you, I’d place the museum at risk.
CASEY
You must stop putting the museum ahead of what matters to you most, Marcus. However, in fairness, I find myself just as guilty. What would the staff think If we are in a relationship? It’s scandal! My goodness, this morning is nothing like I ever imagined. I’m struggling to find the words the best express my…
Above them the LANCE on the royal knight creeks free. With a rusty creek it begins to fall. Marcus pushes Casey out of the way. They land together in a heap on the floor as the lance crashes down next to them.
Casey rolls off Marcus. Her DAGGER is firmly impaled into Casey’s heart. A growing circle of blood spreads beneath the tweed.
CASEY
Marcus! Marcus, stay with me. Mr. Thomas, please go get help!
Graham Thomas scurries off in search of assistance.
MARCUS
(gasping)
If there’s a will, there’s a way to my heart. Maybe one not so literal, Ms. O’Donnell.
CASEY
Please don’t die, Marcus. And, yes, I have the fondest of feelings for you too.
MARCUS
I’ll take it, but first I must rest my eyes.
Casey kisses Marcus deeply as his eyes gently close.
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Hello Edward, Sorry this comes more than a week after you posted your scene. I have just read your first and second drafts and I do see an improvement, starting with the Logline. In the first version the needed funds are turned down, but at the end of the scene we are not sure the funds will be rejected. So, I prefer your revised Logline. Not so sure about the Essence. “The power of love and money” might sound like a platitude. “Heated arguments release honest emotion” reads more as more original and more specific to this scene. Reducing the amount of description on pages 1 and 2 was also an improvement. As I read version 1 I was wondering whether the scene in the Donor Development Office was necessary and whether you couldn’t begin with Casey running to Marcus with the check and dagger in her hand. That said, the Guard does have some anticipatory dialogue (“A battle of wills is never won until the love of the will is defeated.”) which adds to the intrigue. That later prompts the question in my mind, “How does this donor know Marcus so well?” As I read your scene I ran through the list of 20 Interest Techniques and I think you cover most of them. 1. Suspense: will he accept the $10 million dollars? 2. Major Twist: the donor turns up / Marcus declares his love for Casey. 3. Surprise: the dagger in the chest! 4. Interesting setting: this dusty museum is interesting and original. 7. Uncertainty: Will Marcus finally accept the check? 10. Cliffhanger: Is he really dead? There is quite a lot of Interest Technique 20: anticipatory dialogue. This includes Marcus’s, “Has he fair maiden…” speech and his soliloquy based on Dido and Aeneas. What I did have a problem with in both versions is the sudden change in Casey, where she goes from, “Mr Blake! Mr Blake!…” to “Marcus” when she’s trying to grab back the check. Their sudden physical proximity doesn’t seem on its own to justify the sudden switch. Now, do the character traits come through? Casey is tough when she is drafting the letter to the unwilling donor, but hardly polite! Her caring is shown in her behaviour towards the volunteer Guard. She certainly manages to distract Marcus when she goes for the check and takes his mind of the conflict by rubbing up against him. Marcus comes over as commanding in the way he says he will not change his mind and orders Casey to write a “thank you but no thank you” letter. He is certainly imaginative; indeed he spends a lot of time in imaginary conversation with the artefacts in the gallery. He is also apologetic, “… we’ve got off on the wrong foot.” However, is he strategic? He seems, on the contrary, to be willing to shoot himself in the foot by refusing the $10 million. Having said all that, I feel, as I read that text, that it has been written by someone who knows what he’s doing. I have no idea how you came up with this very original story with a very original setting. I enjoyed reading the scene and it kept me engaged till the end. I just hope you are more organised than me in your work! Wishing you lots of luck with your writing!
Best wishes!
Paul
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Thank you Paul, I appreciate you taking the time for detailed and thoughtful notes. I’ve learned much from you. If you get a chance google – Cleveland Museum of Art Armor Room. It’s my inspiration and one of my favorite CMA galleries. I’ll have notes for you in a couple of days. Thanks Again!!
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I’m going to Cleveland Museum of Art right now! (Via Google!) Very atmospheric. I was very inconsistent with Creative Mastery 4, but I learnt some very valuable lessons. I now have to get back into MSC-16. Not easy to juggle two screenwriting.com courses at once. Wishing you lots of open doors for your scripts!
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Very ambitious taking two classes at once. Good luck to you too. Keep in touch…Ed
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