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Day 3 Assignment
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DAY 3 – ASSIGNMENT 1
Subject: Alan’s Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…I’m not sure how long this beat list is supposed to be, but here’s my first pass at it. I think it contains most of the main actions.
1. Give us your logline. A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs and sophisticated global sex trafficking.
2. List the current beats of your script. Number them as I did above.
Alan’s Story Beats v.1 – A BLIND EYE
For: My friends who have been victims.
1. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT
A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.
2. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT
The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.
3. AT BACK TABLE
Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.
4. AT BAR
A tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.
5. AT HOSTESS STAND
As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.
6. INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT
Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.
7. INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT
Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.
8. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.
9. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY
Denver Police Detective Swoboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.
10. EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY
Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to Sioux Falls.
11. INT. SIOUX FALLS BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.
12. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.
Jay sees Rolex Creep slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.
13. LATER
Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.
14. INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.
15. INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.
16. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.
17. EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.
18. INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY
‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.
Rolex Creep congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.
19. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.
20. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.
21. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.
22. EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY
Police find Blake dead in a gully.
23. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.
24. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY
Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.
Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.
25. INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY
Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.
26. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.
27. LATER
The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.
Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.
The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, that had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.
28. LATER
The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. They’re planning to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.
29. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.
30. INT. FBI VAN – DAY
Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.
31. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
A truck brothel thug spies Jay and Erin, and chases them. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.
32. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.
33. LATER
Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.
34. EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY
Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.
35. EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY
Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.
36. LATER
Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.
37. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.
38. EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY
Traffickers pull a bait and switch as they deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.
39. INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY
The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.
Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.
40. LATER
Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.
41. INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY
Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.
42. LATER
With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.
THE END
3. Starting from the end, flag the beats that need help.
4. Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed
each of those beats.Beat 43 – Feature Quinn to pump up her character. Make Jay super nervous to fly.
Beat 39 – Jay has to overcome his fears and fly to China to verify it’s really Holly.
Beat 38 – Jay has to beg for the money to save Holly.
Beat 34 – Add in that Jay never flies. Fear of flying. He drives to LA.
Beat 33 – Quinn discovers it’s a fake modeling job.
Beat 11 – Changed Sioux Falls to a small town to cost more of Madison’s cash.
Beat 10 – Madison hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.
5. Conclude with your new list of beats.
Alan’s Story Beats v.2 – A BLIND EYE
For: My friends who have been victims.
1. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT
A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.
2. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT
The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.
3. AT BACK TABLE
Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.
4. AT BAR
A tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.
5. AT HOSTESS STAND
As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.
6. INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT
Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.
7. INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT
Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.
8. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.
9. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY
Denver Police Detective Swoboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.
10. EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY
Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.
11. INT. BIGGER TOWN BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.
12. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.
Jay sees Rolex Creep slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.
13. LATER
Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.
14. INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.
15. INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.
16. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.
17. EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.
18. INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY
‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.
Rolex Creep congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.
19. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.
20. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.
21. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.
22. EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY
Police find Blake dead in a gully.
23. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.
24. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY
Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.
Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.
25. INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY
Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.
26. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.
27. LATER
The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.
Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.
The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, that had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.
28. LATER
The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. They’re planning to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.
29. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.
30. INT. FBI VAN – DAY
Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.
31. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
A truck brothel thug spies Jay and Erin, and chases them. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.
32. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.
33. LATER
Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin and Jay agree to sneak off to Mexico without telling the FBI. But Jay lets it leak. Quinn immediately suspects it’s fake. She calls the modeling agent and verifies the job is fake.
34. LATER
Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA. Jay won’t fly. He drives to LA and meets Quinn.
35. EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY
Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.
36. EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY
Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.
37. LATER
Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.
38. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Jay begs his and Holly’s rich father for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.
39. EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY
Overcoming his fear of flying, a nervous Jay and his dad’s security chief fly to China. There, traffickers pull a bait and switch as they deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.
40. INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY
The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.
Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.
41. LATER
Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.
42. INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY
Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.
43. LATER
With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.
THE END
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What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how much the script can be improved just by punching up the beats.
LOGLINE: When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.
CURRENT BEATS OF THE SCRIPT/ BEATS SEPARATED OUT/ HOW CHANGED:
1. INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE/HALLWAY – EVENING
Ingenuous, starry-eyed young violinist Julia, making her debut playing in the prestigious Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, is worried when she overhears a heated argument involving her between her mentor, Abel, a famous conductor, and Sidney, her closest orchestra colleague.
2. INT. ABEL’S DRESSING ROOM
Abel gifts Julia with a jeweled pin in the shape of a violin and a strange song he has written for her. She is alarmed when she reads, scribbled at the bottom, “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” He is evasive when she asks him about the bizarre inscription.
3. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
Original: Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp.
Changed: After Sidney’s turbulent argument with Abel, Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp.
4. INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
Julia becomes concerned when Sidney precipitously leaves the pit, clutching his stomach. She’s even more anxious when she sees out of the corner of her eye the glint of a metal object coming from the direction of the Viewing Room high up in the balcony.
5. INT. PIT
Julia watches in horror as Abel is shot on the podium and topples to the floor in a pool of blood. She cradles his body in her arms.
6. INT. PIT
Original: NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming.
Changed: NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming.
7. INT. VIEWING ROOM
Following the Medical Examiner’s inference that the shot came from a high angle, Larry and Buddy inspect the high-up Viewing Room, where they find a spent bullet casing.
8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.
10. EXT. BROADWAY
On a huge, high up TV screen overlooking Lincoln Plaza, Julia sees a news headline: Sidney has been arrested and charged as a suspect in Abel’s murder. Julia vows, to her close friend and colleague Katie, to prove Sidney’s innocence and find Abel’s real killer.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO (a)
1. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, 20<sup>TH</sup> PRECINCT
Larry and Buddy inform Sidney that the shell casing of the bullet that killed Abel, found in the Viewing Room of the opera house, matches one of those found in his apartment. That evidence, plus a packet of love letters between Sidney and Abel revealing Sidney’s raging jealousy over being dumped, point to Sidney’s guilt.
2. INT. JULIA/KATIE’S APARTMENT
Original: Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they owe him their loyalty at the very least.
Changed: Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they can’t just stand idly by while he faces prosecution—or worse.
3. INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM
Remembering that Abel’s song contained a warning that something might happen to him, Julia tries playing the song to look for clues. Both she and Katie are stunned when they hear a bizarre wrong note and discover that the second page is missing.
4. INT. ARTISTS’ PRACTICE STUDIO – DAY
Original: At Charles’s suggestion, Julia brings Abel’s song to his artists’ practice studio to figure out the bizarre note. When she hears him sing, the power and beauty of his voice bowl her over. He exploits her favorable impression by trying to kiss her. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his passionate embrace and leaves the song with him.
Changed: After Julia tells Charles about the bizarre note in Abel’s song, Charles suggests Julia bring the music to his artists’ practice studio to figure out what’s wrong. He admits his attraction to her and kisses her passionately. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his embrace and forgets all about the song, at least temporarily.
5. INT. BACKSTAGE
Original: Julia approaches head stagehand Matt to help find out who may have framed Sidney. Admitting that he and Sidney have had a falling out, Matt nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Matt’s assistant, Frank, eyes Julia with disapproval, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
Changed: Julia approaches Sidney’s friend, head stagehand Matt, to help find out who may have framed Sidney, Matt admits he and Sidney have had a falling out. He nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Julia becomes uncomfortable at the disapproving stare of Matt’s assistant, Frank, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
6. INT. PIT
Original: Larry undermines Julia’s insistence that Sidney is innocent, telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with a rifle. Julia is too upset to play. She asks Tony for bereavement time. He grudgingly agrees.
Changed: Larry undermines Julia’s belief that Sidney is innocent by telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with the type of rifle used to assassinate Abel. Julia becomes too agitated to play. Tony grudgingly agrees to allow her a small amount of bereavement time.
7. INT. STAGEHANDS’ LOCKER ROOM
Julia tiptoes into the room, looking for Matt but instead encountering a glowering Frank, who tells her the place is off-limits for anyone but stagehands. Intimidated by his menacing attitude, Julia bolts.
8. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
Original: Julia picks up Sidney after his release from jail and asks him who he thinks might have framed him. She becomes agitated when he yells at her to get off his case.
Changed: After Sidney’s release from jail, he is grateful to Julia for picking him up and dropping him at his apartment. But when she asks him who might have framed him, and he snarls at her to get off his case, she becomes distraught.
9. INT. BACKSTAGE/WINGS – DAY
Original: Uncomfortable at her giving in to Charles in the artists’ studio, Julia tries to play it cool. She deflects his intimate gestures by sharing her concern at not seeing the always dependable Matt at work. Charles hasn’t brought page one of the song, but he promises to look at it with Julia later.
Changed: Feeling regrets at having given in to Charles, Julia deflects his further intimate overtures. Instead, she shares her concern that Matt is missing from his onstage duties. She asks Charles if he’s brought the page of the song that she left with him. He apologizes for not having it and promises to go over the music with her later.
10. INT. CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
Julia is troubled to find that the configuration of pieces on Abel’s chess board has been changed and suspects it might have been done by Abel’s killer.
ACT TWO (b)
1. INT. HALLWAY IN FRONT OF MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Original: Julia is astonished to find an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing page two of Abel’s song. She senses she’s being watched but doesn’t see the person hidden behind a corner, watching her.
Changed: Julia is mystified when she finds an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing the missing page of Abel’s song. She doesn’t know a potential attacker, hidden out of sight behind a corner, is watching her every move.
2. INT. STAGE/PIT
During a rehearsal with a squad of Super Numerary Soldiers, the lead tenor is shot for real and wounded, sending company members into a panic.
3. INT. WINGS
Amidst the pandemonium backstage, Larry spies Damon in a soldier costume trying to sneak away and finds live ammunition instead of blanks in Damon’s stage rifle. He arrests Damon.
4. INT. STAGE
General Manager Patricia insists the rehearsal continue, despite the violence that has just occurred. Charles replaces the injured tenor onstage.
5. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS/INTERROGATION ROOM
Original: Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims he didn’t know the bullets were real. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
Changed: Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims not to have known the bullets were real and begs Larry not to lock him up. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
6. INT. WINGS
Original: Sidney appears, on his way to the pit to rehearse. Patricia waylays him and tells him it’s not appropriate for him to be there after his arrest. He storms off.
Changed: Patricia waylays Sidney on his way to the pit. She reprimands him for daring to even make an appearance after the scandal he has caused and the damage he has done to the Met’s reputation with his criminal activities. He storms off.
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Original: Charles calls Julia to ask if she’s okay. Still reeling from recent events, she tells him she doesn’t feel that she will be able to perform that night. He encourages her to get over her trauma and convinces her to play. She asks him to bring page one of the song to the performance.
Changed: Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
8. INT. STAGE DOOR – EVENING
Original: Julia suggests to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime. He promises to investigate it but can’t guarantee any results.
Changed: Julia insists to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime, and asks him to investigate further. He reluctantly agrees but tells her he can’t guarantee the results.
9. INT. WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM
Julia is puzzled when she finds a strange note from Larry attached to her locker asking her to meet him in the pit.
10. INT. PIT
Julia is surprised not to find Larry anywhere in the pit. Instead, she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body in an opening of the pit wall. She is devastated.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM
To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY
Original: Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of the song from Charles. When the note he supposedly sent her goes missing from her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer.
Changed: Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer.
3. INT. ONSTAGE
Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She is terrified.
4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET
Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. Afterward, on the street, they are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone coming. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment with a police guard at the door protecting her.
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Original: Charles finally brings Julia page one of the song. Singing it together, they agree that one of the notes is glaringly wrong. Charles suggests Julia take the music to the Met, where she can practice it on the violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
Changed: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING
As she tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, her jeweled violin pin slips off Julia’s blouse and falls to the floor, shattering. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and has Buddy take it to H.Q. for analysis.
7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE
Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout, about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by Carl Trudeau, brother of Abel Trudeau. Realizing Carl actually is Charles, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF
Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
9. EXT. ROOF
Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
10. INT. PIT – EVENING
Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
NEW LIST OF BEATS
NEW LIST OF BEATS: MURDER IN THE PIT
1. INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE/HALLWAY – EVENING
Ingenuous, starry-eyed young violinist Julia, making her debut playing in the prestigious Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, is worried when she overhears a heated argument involving her between her mentor, Abel, a famous conductor, and Sidney, her closest orchestra colleague.
2. INT. ABEL’S DRESSING ROOM
Abel gifts Julia with a jeweled pin in the shape of a violin and a strange song he has written for her. She is alarmed when she reads, scribbled at the bottom, “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” He is evasive when she asks him about the bizarre inscription.
3. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
After Sidney’s turbulent argument with Abel, Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp.
4. INT. ORCHESTRA PIT
Julia becomes concerned when Sidney precipitously leaves the pit, clutching his stomach. She’s even more anxious when she sees out of the corner of her eye the glint of a metal object coming from the direction of the Viewing Room high up in the balcony.
5. INT. PIT
Julia watches in horror as Abel is shot on the podium and topples to the floor in a pool of blood. She cradles his body in her arms.
6. INT. PIT
NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming.
7. INT. VIEWING ROOM
Following the Medical Examiner’s inference that the shot came from a high angle, Larry and Buddy inspect the high-up Viewing Room, where they find a spent bullet casing.
8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE
As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.
9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.
10. EXT. BROADWAY
On a huge, high up TV screen overlooking Lincoln Plaza, Julia sees a news headline: Sidney has been arrested and charged as a suspect in Abel’s murder. Julia vows, to her close friend and colleague Katie, to prove Sidney’s innocence and find Abel’s real killer.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO (a)
1. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, 20<sup>TH</sup> PRECINCT
Larry and Buddy inform Sidney that the shell casing of the bullet that killed Abel, found in the Viewing Room of the opera house, matches one of those found in his apartment. That evidence, plus a packet of love letters between Sidney and Abel revealing Sidney’s raging jealousy over being dumped, point to Sidney’s guilt.
2. INT. JULIA/KATIE’S APARTMENT
Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they can’t just stand idly by while he faces prosecution—or worse.
3. INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM
Remembering that Abel’s song contained a warning that something might happen to him, Julia tries playing the song to look for clues. Both she and Katie are stunned when they hear a bizarre wrong note and discover that the second page is missing.
4. INT. ARTISTS’ PRACTICE STUDIO – DAY
After Julia tells Charles about the bizarre note in Abel’s song, Charles suggests Julia bring the music to his artists’ practice studio to figure out what’s wrong. He admits his attraction to her and kisses her passionately. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his embrace and forgets all about the song, at least temporarily.
5. INT. BACKSTAGE
Julia approaches Sidney’s friend, head stagehand Matt, to help find out who may have framed Sidney, Matt admits he and Sidney have had a falling out. He nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Julia becomes uncomfortable at the disapproving stare of Matt’s assistant, Frank, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.
6. INT. PIT
Larry undermines Julia’s belief that Sidney is innocent by telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with the type of rifle used to assassinate Abel. Julia becomes too agitated to play. Tony grudgingly agrees to allow her a small amount of bereavement time.
7. INT. STAGEHANDS’ LOCKER ROOM
Julia tiptoes into the room, looking for Matt but instead encountering a glowering Frank, who tells her the place is off-limits for anyone but stagehands. Intimidated by his menacing attitude, Julia bolts.
8. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT
After Sidney’s release from jail, he is grateful to Julia for picking him up and dropping him at his apartment. But when she asks him who might have framed him, and he snarls at her to get off his case, she becomes distraught.
9. INT. BACKSTAGE/WINGS – DAY
Changed: Feeling regrets at having given in to Charles, Julia deflects his further intimate overtures. Instead, she shares her concern that Matt is missing from his onstage duties. She asks Charles if he’s brought the page of the song that she left with him. He apologizes for not having it and promises to go over the music with her later.
10. INT. CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM
Julia is troubled to find that the configuration of pieces on Abel’s chess board has been changed and suspects it might have been done by Abel’s killer.
ACT TWO (b)
1. INT. HALLWAY IN FRONT OF MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Julia is mystified when she finds an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing the missing page of Abel’s song. She doesn’t know a potential attacker, hidden out of sight behind a corner, is watching her every move.
2. INT. STAGE/PIT
During a rehearsal with a squad of Super Numerary Soldiers, the lead tenor is shot for real and wounded, sending company members into a panic.
3. INT. WINGS
Amidst the pandemonium backstage, Larry spies Damon in a soldier costume trying to sneak away and finds live ammunition instead of blanks in Damon’s stage rifle. He arrests Damon.
4. INT. STAGE
General Manager Patricia insists the rehearsal continue, despite the violence that has just occurred. Charles replaces the injured tenor onstage.
5. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS/INTERROGATION ROOM
Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims not to have known the bullets were real and begs Larry not to lock him up. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.
6. INT. WINGS
Patricia waylays Sidney on his way to the pit. She reprimands him for daring to even make an appearance after the scandal he has caused and the damage he has done to the Met’s reputation with his criminal activities. He storms off.
7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT
Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.
8. INT. STAGE DOOR – EVENING
Julia insists to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime, and asks him to investigate further. He reluctantly agrees but tells her he can’t guarantee the results.
9. INT. WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM
Julia is puzzled when she finds a strange note from Larry attached to her locker asking her to meet him in the pit.
10. INT. PIT
Julia is surprised not to find Larry anywhere in the pit. Instead, she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body in an opening of the pit wall. She is devastated.
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM
To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY
Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer.
3. INT. ONSTAGE
Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She is terrified.
4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET
Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. Afterward, on the street, they are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone coming. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment with a police guard at the door protecting her.
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Changed: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.
6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING
As she tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, her jeweled violin pin slips off Julia’s blouse and falls to the floor, shattering. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and has Buddy take it to H.Q. for analysis.
7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE
Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout, about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by Carl Trudeau, brother of Abel Trudeau. Realizing Carl actually is Charles, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF
Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
9. EXT. ROOF
Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
10. INT. PIT – EVENING
Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
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Assignment 3 – Critique of Erica’s Story Beats
Hi, Erica,
Wow. You did a lot of work on this and made a lot of really good changes. Sorry that I couldn’t come up with many helpful suggestions. You’re really crushing this class.
Act I, scene 2 – I like the warning and bizarre inscription. Great foreshadowing.
Act I, scene 6 – I didn’t see any difference between the Original and the Change?
Act II, scene 2 – Really nice change. Good job.
Act II, scene 4 – Another nice change. Good job.
Act II, scene 9 – Another good change, however, I’m a little uncertain which page of the song is which. Page 2 was noted as missing earlier, right? How many pages are there total? How many did she leave with Charles?
Act II, scene 10 – You might need to provide a little more background on Julia for readers to understand how she remembers the chess configuration?
Act III, scene 2 – that change was excellent.
Act III, scene 5 – I think you should change the scene heading. If Larry is hiding and protecting Julia at his apartment, why would they let Charles come there?
Act III, scene 9 – This is a key scene. It needs to read faster and more intensely. Shorter sentences (Readability Stats), and focusing on one key thing at a time, will really improve it.
Overall, really well done,
– alan
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Pat’s Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is to whittle out the
small details. New ideas are working their way in to up the
tension. Not all are in place yet. I did find two sequences that were out of order and fixed that.Logline – A grieving woman believes her home security agent
is responsible for her mother’s sudden death, and to prove it
must put herself under his scrutiny while searching for
evidence.INT./EXT. MANSION – NIGHT
A burglar targets a lonely Victorian mansion and the old
woman inside. She hides in a closet gripping a riot stick.INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY
Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes
Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He
worries about Monica’s snarky attitude.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Mom Rosemary calls with the latest conspiracy theory. Monica
scolds her about watching trash and not taking her diabetes
meds, signs off.INT. ADVERTISING CO – BREAK ROOM – DAY
Monica vents her frustrations to fiancé Paul. He dares her to
take off on a weekend getaway. She opts for a dinner at home
instead.INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY
Ever-vigilant Dennis consoles Rosemary over the sudden dinner
plans. He then works with Miss Ann, coldly authoritarian in
confining her to the house.
EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
An elegant three story Victorian, with locked storm shutters
and a key pad entry way into an airlock sized vestibule.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Monica introduces Paul to the 8 bedrooms, secret passages and
a cold war era bomb shelter. Dinner goes well until Rosemary
overhears a cutting remark and dumps coffee on Paul.EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Monica apologizes for Rosemary then spitefully decides to
take up Paul’s offer of the getaway.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rosemary worries over reports of food tampering, complains to
Dennis about Monica taking off.EXT. CABIN CRUISER – NIGHT
Monica has misgivings about leaving Mom alone. There’s no
phone service and Paul accuses her of being an enabler.INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
Dennis lives in a cottage house on the neighboring estate,
with a full scale mock up of his work station, detailed
drawings of Rosemary’s house and internet access.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Rosemary neglects her diabetes meds, starts a slide into
fogginess. Day agent Sam is no help to her delusions.EXT. CABIN CRUISER – DAY
Monica starts to relax for the first time in forever.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion,
interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off
with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does.INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – NIGHT
Dennis’ client, Miss Ann, escapes the house despite his best
efforts. He’s upset about losing his perfect record and Miss
Ann’s defiance and forgets Rosemary’s call.INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
Returning home, Dennis is still angry, doesn’t do his normal
check in on Rosemary from his home set up.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead. Officer
Warren is well acquainted with Rosemary’s antics. He suspects
foul play, but thinks Monica is the perpetrator. (I’m adding
a detective to lead the investigation)INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – NIGHT
Office manager Alison debriefs the agents on Rosemary’s
death. All Eyes has been cleared of any wrong doing.INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY
Monica is determined to be tough in her grief. Then Sam drops
by to offer condolences. When he vaguely hints Dennis
overstepped his duty she assumes Dennis is guilty and heads
to the house to look for evidence.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Monica starts her search of Mom’s paranoid recordings. Upset
by Dennis and Rosemary’s kibbutzing about her, she berates
him over the monitors.INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY
Dennis has no reason to believe he’s culpable, but looks
through records anyway.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Monica gets to the last phone call and there it is, “If
you’re having an issue throw your meds out and call your
doctor”. But first she has to investigate a noise upstairs.INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – NIGHT
Dennis finds the same call on a redundant system. It’s not a
smoking gun but still worrisome. He edits the tape, then
checks for Monica. Not at the computer. He hacks in to edit
her version.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Monica finds a slightly open window and a broken vase. She
cleans up the mess.INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – NIGHT
Dennis finishes his work, shuts down the connection.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Monica returns to the desk, exhausted. Shuts the computer and
heads to bed.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Refreshed, Monica can’t find the recording. There’s the
conversation, but she heard more. Paul calls to check on her.
They find the outside hack. He tells her to get out.
She’s packing up when she finds the reel to reel tape
recorder. With that tape she doesn’t need the computer file.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – DAY
Monica yanks the drawer open. CD discs skitter into a sloppy
pile – all music albums. She addresses the funerary urn. You
moved their hiding spot! Then the electric goes out.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Monica calls the power company, gets a recording of the
outage. Grabbing a flashlight she starts a search.MONTAGE:
HALL – Get emergency lights going.
SEWING ROOM – Piles of material stack the tables. DINING ROOM – Monica empties a credenza of silverware and
good plates.
BEDROOM – Stripped down to a tank top and shorts in the heat,
Monica turns out dressers, checks closets.
SMALL BEDROOM – Windows opened bare cracks don’t help any.
Monica drinks some water, splashes more on her face.
KITCHEN – The empty take-out carton tops the trash can.
STORE ROOM – Chests and plastic storage bins are lined up,
tops off to reveal contents. A frustrated Monica leaves
everything as is, heads out.
DAD’S OFFICE – Last area, full of bittersweet memories.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis wakes, gets ready for work.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAD’S OFFICE – DAY
Monica sags against the couch. A flopping arm hits a hidden
cache and she has her tapes.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Fresh from a shower, Monica unhooks the hard drive, plugs in
a flash drive.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis checks the computer. Warning lights show his access to
Mom’s computer is gone. He brings up the house monitors,
finds Monica packing up computer files.
Without conscious thought, he locks the doors, calls in sick.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis feeds a video loop to All Eyes, checks cameras until
he finds Monica.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Monica can’t open the door, calls in to All Eyes.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis’ phone buzzes. He logs on.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Monica demands release. Dennis misrepresents the outage as
out of his control and she has to wait. Meanwhile he does all
he can to ease into her confidence. (This is a change from a
direct confrontation)INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis flinches when the phone cuts off abruptly.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – HALL – DAY
Monica keys her phone, listens to it ring.INT. PAUL’S CAR – DAY
Paul navigates light traffic. His phone, in his briefcase on
the back seat, rings.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis touches keys, deactivates the internet.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – HALL – DAY
Monica’s phone goes dead mid-ring. She goes to an electrical
junction box, flips switches to test reaction.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis runs his screens. Several monitors go blank. A touch
of fingers and the screens reactivate.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis can’t bring himself to release the system. He brings
up a secondary control screen, initiates a GPS tracking
program.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DOWNSTAIRS PASSAGE – DAY
Monica digs out her phone. Still no bars. She powers down.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
The GPS Tracking screen goes blank. Dennis snarls
frustration.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DOWNSTAIRS PASSAGE – DAY
Monica checks all windows. The attic window opens but its a
sheer 40 ft drop. The basement is likewise locked. She’ll
wait for the shift change and call in.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DOWNSTAIRS PASSAGE – DAY
Back at the pantry access, Monica loads fresh batteries into
her flashlight, pockets a bottled water.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Monica makes her way past the damaged floor to the dormer
window. Tries to rest.INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis hasn’t moved from his seat. Guessing she’s hiding he
decides to make his move.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – FOYER – NIGHT
Dennis lets himself in, awed by being in the house. He goes
to the computer first.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – SEWING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis investigates hiding places he knows about.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis is still searching when his phone activates with a
caller at the front gate. Paul is there.EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Paul presses the buzzer again, bullies Dennis into letting
him in to check on Monica.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis decides having a hostage could benefit him, releases
the gate. He follows Paul on the outside monitors.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – VESTIBULE – NIGHT
Paul steps in, nervous in the dark. He cringes when the front
door shuts behind him. He’s locked in.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis leaves Paul locked in the vestibule, heads for the
basement to check the bomb shelter.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis stays in the door, clearly not comfortable here.
Nothing stored here but music CDs.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAD’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Dennis rummages through drawers. His phone runs security
cameras looping the rooms.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Monica jolts out of her doze, stretches stiff limbs. She gets
teary over a box of mementos. Huffing her tears under
control, she pockets the reel, finds her shoes and
flashlight.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BATH ROOM – NIGHT
Monica washes her hands, splashes water on her face. A
FLOORBOARD CREAKS in the hall. Up the hall, a tall figure
separates itself from the dark.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER HALL – NIGHT
Monica slides out along the wall, eyes on the figure well
ahead of her. One step at a time, she backs to the next room
door, lets herself in.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – SMALL BEDROOM – NIGHT
Monica slips inside, darts into the passage.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Calming, she darts to the window, leans way out to look
around the grounds below. Is that a car down there?INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LOWER HALL – NIGHT
A door eases open. Monica slithers out, listening. She uses a
flicker of light to access the call button.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER HALL – NIGHT
Dennis startles at the call ring. It’s Monica, demanding how
he let someone in the house, but she won’t say where she is.
She finds Anderson security call line is still active, calls
for help.INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – MONITOR ROOM – NIGHT
Alison has Jennifer give the info to the cops, nothing more.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Monica tries the back door, locked tight. She looks around,
pulls a knife from a block on the counter.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – FOYER – NIGHT
Monica heads to the front door. She keys the inside lock,
surprised to find Paul inside. He’s angry that she didn’t
leave when he told her to.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Monica leads Paul to the attic to hide. INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis runs a diagnostic on his laptop. The redundant
security system highlights.EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Outside the gate, Dennis works on the keypad box. A patrol
car glides up. Officer Warren questions Dennis. Dennis
dissuades him from going to the house.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – HALL – NIGHT
Monica returns to the control box, gets Jeff Anderson on the
line. Where are my cops? He calls All Eyes, stays on the line
until Sam realizes they don’t have control of the house.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Paul heads downstairs to look for Monica.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – HALL – NIGHT
Monica places a second call to Anderson. This time Jeff plays
intermediary. Sam finds that their system has bee overridden.
Monica closes the panel and breaks the lock.UPPER HALL
Dennis finds his way, guided by a light from his phone.FOYER
Monica catches a brief flash of light upstairs. She darts to
the living room, grabs Mom’s riot stick, hides. Dennis comes down the stairs. When his back is to her, Monica
sneaks up behind, scores a glancing hit as he turns.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Monica beelines to the secret panel, darts in, pulls the door
shut behind herself. Dennis follows, pops into the passage.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPSTAIRS PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Monica makes her way through. She almost stumbles into the
police tape. Inspiration! She rips it down, retreats.
Following her flashlight, Dennis steps onto the bad boards,
catching his leg to the knee.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER HALL – NIGHT
Dennis limps out of the passage. Paul leans heavily on the
wall ahead of him. Dennis smashes him with a plaster vase.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – FOYER – NIGHT
Dennis puts Paul into the vestibule, shuts the door.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – NIGHT
Monica pops out, looks for sanctuary or a weapon. She eyes
the bomb shelter door, gets an idea and sets a trap, messing
with the lock tumblers. Dennis goes to the bunker door.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis stumbles, twists to catch hold of Monica’s weapon. She
hangs on, falls on him into the bomb shelter. The door locks.EXT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
Alison and Sam approach. Sam knocks, ignoring her look. She
brings out keys, searches, fits one to the door lock.INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
The pair stop just inside, listen, look. Searching, they find
the computer set up – Alison’s worst nightmare. Sam works to
rescind Dennis’ control.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
On the verge of panic, Dennis pushes at the door, tries new
tumbler combinations. Monica retreats to a corner, goads him.
When he answers and she recognizes his voice she attacks him.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – VESTIBULE – NIGHT
Paul tries one combination after another. The camera light
turns blue and Sam tells him help is on the way.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis forces Monica to back off, works on the lock,
irritation mounting with each failure. Monica taunts him and
the argument over who is more wrong continues.EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Cop cars, a Fire Engine and EMT van all wait to see if
Officer Warren can override or short circuit the lock. An All
Eyes Security van pulls up.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Monica fights fatigue, tries to rattle Dennis with
descriptions of oxygen deprivation.EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Jeff Anderson pulls up, gets through the police line to the
gate box. He scowls the Tech away, uses his own tools to
release the gate in short order.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
The emergency lights flutter with waning power. Dennis spins
the tumblers faster, loses his temper when Monica flicks a
cigarette lighter at him. The arguing resumes.EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Anderson and Officer Warren work at the front door to break
the lock. Paul bolts out, falls into Warren’s arms.INT. AMBULANCE – NIGHT
Paul frets under treatment for dehydration and shock. The
surrounding police don’t appear to buy his story of
entrapment.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
The face off continues, both flushed with heat exhaustion and
aggravated stress, still fighting for dominance. Dennis
appears to be winning. Monica’s grief breaks.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – NIGHT
The cops converge on the bomb shelter door. Fire fighters go
for a torch.INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis waits the noise of rescue, prompts Monica on her
admission of error. At the last minute she rallies and
demands his arrest. When he reaches for her the cop shoots
him.EXT. MOM’S HOUSE
Paul waits anxiously at an ambulance, pacing out nerves.
Monica is led out of the house by a COP. She’s wracked with
guilt over Dennis’ death. -
Hi Alan,
Somehow I missed the assignment ‘ELEVATE THE OPENING’ and just found it in the email you sent me on Monday. I guess I’d better do it myself after I critique your Story Beats and before I move on to ‘CHARACTERS’.
Meanwhile, I found your VERSION 2 ‘ELEVATE THE OPENING’ dramatically improved. Much, much clearer who Jay is, when and how Holly’s abduction occurs. I had some trouble at first confusing Holly and Erin, but you made the differences between them much clearer.
The rest of the plot fell into place very well. I now understand it all much better.
Great job.
Erica
-
Hi Alan,
A couple of things about v.2. (suggestions only). And you’re right, misdirections definitely misdirected me!
9. Bistro: maybe it’s because I’m a woman, but it would help to know right off the bat that Quinn is female.
12. Good twist with Rolex Guy threatening to kill Jay.
15. Just wondering why Jay is stalking the terminal. Is it part of his persona to look for runaways and help them? After he and Madison leave together, suddenly he’s with Erin. Did he leave Madison at a safe house? With apologies, could the whole Doppelgänger thing be a bit clearer?
22. Do the Police investigate Blake’s murder?
28. It’s not quite clear they ‘They’ are the traffickers and not the FBI from the former sentence.
35. ‘pick Erin up’ doesn’t quite sound like an abduction.
37. Good twist, not finding Holly among the other women.
39. Specify we’re in China?
That’s it. much improved. If I’m putting too much detail here, let me know.
Erica
-
Day 4: Discover Your Characters
Subject: Erica Miner Character Profiles
What I’ve Learned Doing this Assignment: I don’t know my characters as well as I thought I did. But as I peeled off the layers, I gained new insights into what makes them tick.
Logline: When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.
Character Profiles, top five characters:
1. Character Name: Julia Kogan
Role: Professional violinist
Core Character Traits:
– Musical prodigy
– Ingenuous
– Sensitive
– Curious
Character Subtext Logline: Julia’s natural curiosity propels her into dangerous situations.
Flaw: Her concern for people who are important to her leaves her vulnerable.
Want/Need: Achieve top success in her field/ To be loved
*Character Arc: Goes from vulnerable to self-protective to save her own life.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: What makes this character unique?
Combines a prodigious musical gift with an ability to solve mysteries.
*Change: [*Character Arc: Goes from vulnerable to self-protective to save her own life.]
Learns to fight back aggressively when her life or a friend’s life is in danger.
Improvement: Making Julia more aggressive makes us root for her feistiness.
2. Character Name: Sidney Richter
Role: Closest colleague to lead female
Core Character Traits:
– Hot-tempered
– Avuncular
– Experienced
– Defensive/Aggressive
Character Subtext Logline: Sidney is an easily angered violinist who has a weakness for illegal substances.
Flaw: Underneath his gruff exterior, he is a total softie when it comes to protecting Julia.
*Want/Need: To find a more fulfilling life situation/ To be loved.
*Change: [Want/Need: To find a more fulfilling life situation/ To be loved.]
To be the best mentor and uncle substitute for Julia.
Improvement: Emphasizing Sidney’s altruistic side makes us feel more sympathetic toward him.
3. Character Name: Charles Tremaine
Role: Underappreciated tenor/Lover
Core Character Traits:
– Egotistical
– Capable
– Take charge
– Charmer
*Character Subtext Logline: Charles is a talented singer who resents his older brother’s career success.
Flaw: He thinks he is smarter than everyone else.
His Mission: To become the most famous tenor in the world using any means necessary.
*Change: [A talented singer who resents his older brother’s career success.]
An aggressive, unrelenting Don Juan will stop at nothing to grab the spotlight.
Improvement: Focusing on Charles’s Casanova-like behavior hints at its potential for danger.
4. Larry Somers
Role: Detective on murder case
Core Character Traits:
– Humorous
– Smart
– Skeptical
– Curious
*Character Subtext Logline: Larry is a savvy detective who takes charge first and asks questions later.
Something he doesn’t want to admit about himself: he has a soft spot for vulnerable females.
Life Metaphor/Identity: Controller of all situations.
*Change: [Larry is a savvy detective who tends to take charge first and ask questions later.]
Larry uses his control freak side to discount others’ possibly valuable opinions.
Improvement: Punches up Larry’s personality to hint at his potential to be tough and unforgiving.
5. Katie Ma
Role: Best friend to lead female
Core Character Traits:
– Upbeat
– Voluble
– *Generous
– Offhand manner
Character Subtext Logline: Katie is Julia’s oldest friend who tries to keep Julia’s impulsive behavior in check.
Flaw: She has a weakness/constant need to eat junk food as a replacement for alcohol.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She has little tolerance for her AA meetings.
*Change: [Generous] Mischievous
Improvement: Emphasizing Katie’s mischievous side will make her a quirkier, more appealing character.
-
Demethress’ STORY BEATS
What I learned is that I have a lot of work to do. I have ideas on what can improve all my scenes but I don’t want to fall behind so will make them as we move along. I am putting the changes underneath the Scenes to save space – if you read the numbers scenes first then come back to the top and read the changes for the second beat version. I realized I wasn’t writing the ESSENCE of each sense so that was the first change. Nothing is set in stone.
TITLE: THE DEVIL’S PUNCHBOWL
1.EXT. WOODS -DAY
A bulldozer finishes digging a hole in the backwoods.
CHANGE: A Black man and woman, naked, are whipped to unconsciousness. Henry arrives in Alemeda.
2.INT. CHURCH BASEMENT -BATHROOM-DAY
Henry, a homeless Black man, looks at a packet of white powder; returns it to a metal container; put into his pocket. He exits the room and enters the AA meeting.
One night, Henry tells the group, four years ago, he was drunk and high on cocaine. He insisted on driving his wife and son to the movies. There was a car accident and he is the only survivor.
CHANGE: Henry fights off his demons.
3.EXT. STREET – DAY
People pass by Henry as he sits on the hot sidewalk; with a sign that reads: WILL WORK FOR FOOD. Some toss him money, some look on him with distain. Lillian, a community leader, stops and offers him an opportunity to work doing repairs for food and shelter. A young Black boy wearing a brown backpack waves at Henry as he rides by on his bike.
CHANGE: Henry meets Lillian who offers him room and board.
4.INT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- NIGHT
Henry awaken by a boy screaming. He goes into the den to see Lillian is watching a horror movie. Convinced that is what he saw he returns to bed. Lillian goes to the window looks out at the backwoods.
CHANGE: Henry witnesses the death of a young Black man by the KKK.
5.EXT. BACKWOODS- SAME
Two people are carrying someone wrapped in a sheet into the backwoods. The person is struggling. Suddenly the body is dropping into a deep ditch. Dirt is poured over the body. Who was this person? What had he/she done?
6.EXT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- AFTERNOON
Henry and Lillian eat breakfast; listen to breaking news of a missing black boy. He was last seen riding his bike down
Greene Street. Reports that he may have been abducted by members of the Aryan Nation have not been confirmed.
Henry is working in the garden, he feels eyes boring into his back but when he looks around, no one is there. What he doesn’t see is Jewel, a shy neighbor hiding behind the oak tree. She is spying on him. Why?
CHANGE: Henry is at the local library and senses someone is watching him…why?
7.EXT. TOWN SQUARE- AFTERNOON
Black Lives Matter Protesters host a rally outside City Hall to demand Police Reform against the violence and demand Equal Rights to Black and Brown people in the wake of the murder by police of George Floyd.
8.INT. LILLIAN’S BACK YARD- AFTERNOON
Lillian hosts a party for past boarders. They all give Lillian high praise for caring for them and turning their lives around. Everyone has some part of their bodies missing. Henry makes a joke about the missing body parts on just about everyone. He asks if they all are diabetics. A former boarder lies and says most of them do; due to alcohol & drug use, their health was poor.
Henry notices only sugar-free food and assumes they must all have diabetes. He meets Jewel, the shy neighbor who says Lillian has been someone who has helped Black people in the community and beyond get back on their feet.
He meets Paul, a neighbor who is carrying a brown backpack, like the one the young Black boy on the bike had. Paul says Lillian has been doing playing the “Good Samaritan“ for years and she needs a vacation. Anyone can take over her work for her, he would do it in a heartbeat but she’s stubborn.
CHANGE: Henry visits local library and discovers his great-great grandfather lived in Alemeda, GA. He learns of The Devil’s Punchbowl and that Lillian’s ancestors were members of the KKK.
9.INT. FUNERAL HOME- EVENING
Cicely lies in a casket as members of the community pay their respects. Henry listens as mourners weep and opine about how she was a kind person and how could she be dead.
As he kneels at the casket, he touches Cicely’s gloved hand and realizes she is missing fingers. He knew her, she always said hello and gave him a dollar when passing him on the street; but he never noticed that she was missing fingers on one hand. She had a smile that always caught his attention.
As he leaves the funeral home, he hears whispers of how Cicely should never had crossed Lillian. “She’s the devil.”
CHANGE: Henry gets his first taste of what some town’s people think of Lillian.
10.INT. POLICE STATION- AFTERNOON
Police questioned Lillian about the last time she saw Cicely. Lillian has slight tickle in her throat; says when she and Paul left her, she went to Sam’s house.
She doesn’t know where Paul went.
END OF ACT 1
11.EXT. BACKWOODS- NIGHT
Four struggling bodies wrapped in blankets are tossed into large pit and covered with dirt. Men in white robes and hoods sit around the pit smoking, joking about how Black lives matter and eating chicken.
12.INT. PAUL’S HOUSE- AFTERNOON
Police question Paul about the last time he saw Cicely. He says he went directly home, but thought he left an important paperwork. He called Cicely, but she didn’t answer and he remembered she was going to walk her dogs. So he called Lillian and then he found the paperwork. Paul said he remembers the exact time because his dog was barking when he made the call. It was 10:30pm.
Police were taken aback as Lillian hadn’t mentioned that she spoke with Paul after leaving Cicely‘s house.
CHANGE: Police question Paul about the death of Cicely. Paul lies.
13.INT. SAM’S GARAGE – LATE AFTERNOON
Sam, a neighbor who lives across the street from Lillian cries out in pain. Henry is working in the front yard doing some landscaping for him, he rushes to his aide. Sam has hurt himself while cutting a piece of wood. Before Sam falls unconscious, he whispers to Henry to leave while he still has his all his body parts; his life is in danger if he stays.
Henry thinks he sees a confederate flag amongst the clutter in Sam’s garage.
CHANGE: Sam, the neighbor has an accident, Henry comes to his aid. Sam tells him to get out while he can.
14.EXT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON
Henry is doing repairs on the roof when he distracted by Jewel; she is wearing tight pants that accentuate her big behind for a White woman. She walks slowly by the house. She turns and smiles, her gapped teeth reminded him of Chaucer’s Wife of Bathe. Henry waves back and in following her he leans back too much and falls off the roof.
CHANGE: Distracted by Jewel, Henry falls off the roof. Jewel feels responsible and a bond is formed.
15. INT. HOSPITAL – EVENING
Sam watches TV. Breaking news: Sam Newton, believed to be a member of the Aryan Nation, was arrested today. A video has surfaced showing him deliberately pushing Leslie Johnson and dragging him into an alleyway on the day of his disappearance.
Lillian visits Sam. Sam says he is tired of the life he is living and wants to make changes. Lillian says it’s his decision to make, as long as he accepts the consequences behind whatever decision he makes. Sam feels threatened. Why? What life does he lead? What consequences is Lillian talking about?
CHANGE: Sam tells Lillian he wants out of the KKK. Lillian tells him he can leave anytime he wants. Sam is scared; unsure how long he will be alive if he leaves.
16. INT. JEWEL’S HOUSE- AFTERNOON
Henry is having lunch at Jewel’s. It’s her way of saying she is sorry for what happened. Henry just fractured his finger, he’s fine. She offers him a drink; he declines but when she leaves the room for a moment he takes two swigs from the bottle.
When she returns he notices she has a prosthetic leg and he asks what happened. Jewel lies and says it’s a result of her diabetes. Why did she lie, what is she hiding?
CHANGE: Henry and Jewel trade lies.
17. INT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- EARLY EVENING
Henry is tasked with vacuuming the rugs in the house. He tries to enter a room but the door is locked. What’s behind the door? Why is it locked?
When he asks Lillian she says it’s off limits – has old childhood memories that she wants untouched. “Don’t worry about it. Besides she alone has the key.“
Paul asks where Sam is; “I thought he was coming tonight.” Lillian nor Jewel have heard from him since being released from the hospital.
Later, Jewel and Paul come over and Henry hears them discussing the protesters. Paul is sounding more like a racists but Jewel and Lillian calm him down. “After all, Blacks have rights, too.”
CHANGE: Henry finds a locked room. Sam goes missing.
18. EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE- MIDNIGHT
Paul and another person dragging something out the back door of his house.
19. INT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- SAME
Henry removes key to locked room from keychain in the kitchen; goes upstairs and unlocks door. Using a pen light, he scans the room; it’s full of White supremacy paperwork, posters, confederate flags, memorabilia. He hears a noise in backyard, cuts the light and goes to the window.
He sees Paul and someone else dragging something into the woods.
CHANGE: Henry finds White supremacy material in Lillian’s house.
INT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- HENRY’S BEDROOM- LATER
Henry lies on his bed eyeing his secret stash of cocaine. What the hell is happening? He goes to the desk and snorts seven lines.
CHANGE: FLASHBACK of Henry and his wife and son enjoying each others company just before the accident that takes away the life he had.
INT. COUNTRY STORE- MORNING
Henry buys 3 candy bars, 4 bags of chips and a 6 pack of soda.
When he exits the store, protesters gather in the streets. They are heckled and someone throws a bottle into the crowd; fights ensue and Henry runs down a street away from the melee as police begin to get involved – tear gassing and sending rubber bullets into the crowd of protesters.
CHANGE: Henry is swept up in a BLM protest turned riot, because he passes for White he is spared bodily harm.
22.INT. JEWEL’S HOUSE- AFTERNOON
Henry and Jewel discuss what was happening with the Black Lives Matter protesters. Jewel is sympathetic to their cause. Henry asks if she would go with him to one of the rallies. She says that’s not a good idea with her prosthetic leg and all. She could get hurt if anything happened. Jewel asks if Henry is getting a cold, no, why? His nose is red.
CHANGE: Henry learns more about his great-great grandfather and more about The Devil’s Punchbowl. He discusses with Jewel the riot and how it affected her. Henry lies about his drug habit.
23. INT. HENRY’S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Henry is awaken by the muffled sound of someone yelling for help. He puts on his robe and follows the sound. It leads him into the backwoods where he witness a man being buried alive.
24. INT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- SAME
Henry races back to the house and into the attic to retrieve the KKK material he took from the locked room. He plans to bring it to the police and show them what he just witnessed.
Henry steps on an old corroded wood panel and falls through the floor.
CHANGE: Lillian sends Henry to the attic to do repairs, sets a trap for him.
END OF ACT 2
25. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- AFTERNOON
Henry awakes in a hospital bed – one side of his face is bandage. He has lost an eye. The doctor says his blood tested high for alcohol and narcotics. Strange, he snorted all his stash 3 weeks ago and he wasn’t drinking.
CHANGE: Henry loses an eye; Lillian told doctor to remove it as punishment for Henry’s snooping.
26. INT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- NIGHT
Henry made a copy of the key to the locked room and he returns to see if he can find any more damaging material on Lillian. He finds before and after photos of Black men and women, boys and girls. Alive then dead. He finds Lillian’s birth certificate – her last name is ALT.
Henry hears a noise and puts Lillian’s birth certificate in his pocket, opens the door to find Lillian waiting for him.
She asks for the key to the room.
They move to the kitchen where Lillian tells Henry this was the home she grew up in and all those things in the room belonged to her father. He was a member of the KKK and she and her mother had to endure the hate he spewed for years. Her mom keep the door of that room locked her entire childhood and most of her adult life. She keeps the room locked because she wants to shut out the memories of who her father was. That is why she helps the Black people in the town; she wants them to know she is not her father; she is not a racist.
CHANGE: Henry enters locked room and finds KKK material. He asks Lillian about her family history…she lies about how she became the town’s “Good Samaritan”.
27. INT. LILlIAN’S HOUSE – BACKYARD – AFTERNOON
Henry is pruning a rose bush, listening to the news on the radio.
A body has been found in the backwoods. It’s that of a Black boy. Police believe it’s Leslie Johnson. Sam Newton, a member of the Aryan Nation has been charged with murder.
Paul wants to take over Lillian’s position and tells her if she doesn’t take that needed vacation; he will expose her to the police and once she is gone; he will be head of the chapter.
Lillian get a call from the police department – they want to question her again.
CHANGE: Paul threaten Lillian’s position. Henry hears news of a Black boy’s body being found; a boy he saw.
28. INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT- AFTERNOON
Police ask Lillian why she didn’t tell them that on the night Cicely died that she had spoken to Paul. She said she went to Sam’s house; by the way did she know where Sam was?
Lillian says she forgot about Paul, yes, he did call her; time? Around 10:30, she remembered because his dog was barking. She hadn’t gone to Sam’s house afterwards; she went to the Clam House.
She had not seen Sam nor spoken to him. They ask: “Are you sure?”
Sgt. tells Detective to get Paul on the phone – ask him to come again.
CHANGE: Lillian is questions by police; she lies about the night Cicely died. She lies about where Sam and Paul are.
29. INT. PAUL’S HOUSE – EARLY EVENING
Phone rings. Detective calling; no answer.
CHANGE: All lights on in Paul’s house. It is empty, pristine, except in the bedroom pans, shirt and underwear lie on the floor. Detectives knocking on the front door.
30. INT. HENRY’S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Henry removes a bottle of brown liquor from under the bed. He stares at it. He removes an envelope from under his pillow. Dumps the contents on the bed. Its photographs of him, a woman and a child; his family.
Flashback to Henry drunk and high on cocaine, insisting on being able to drive his wife and son to the movies which ends in a car accident and the death of his wife and son. Henry returns the bottle under the bed and cries himself to sleep.
31. EXT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- MORNING
Henry is doing repairs on the side of the house. Jewel strikes up a conversation. Henry asks her how long she has know Lillian? Jewel invites him to dinner – it’s not safe to discuss in public.
CHANGE: Henry has been doing research about The Devil’s Punchbowl and discovers Lillian’s mother’s parents were slaves and she is Black. A mulatto who her father married but kept her true race from his KKK brothers and sisters. He is not sure if he can trust Jewel with this knowledge.
32. EXT. STORE FRONT- DAY
Henry runs into Mitch, a former boarder that he met at Lillian’s party. Mitch tells Henry that Lillian’s only goal was to kill as many Black and Brown people as she could and that their lives were spared by Lillian as long as they kept sending other people of color her way to kill. When they were not successful she would take away a body part.
Henry is upset, why don’t they go to the police? Mitch says Lillian has dirt on everyone of them and if they want to keep the jobs they worked hard to get and not let the townspeople turn on them; it’s hard enough as it is for Black people. They just do what they can to save their own asses.
Besides, it was hard to stop her; from the police; not all of them, but they’re not sure who is a good cop & who is bad.
Can Henry believe Mitch after having the talk the other night with Lillian?
CHANGE: Henry gets more incriminating news about Lillian. Henry knows something about Lillian’s parents but is unsure who he can trust with the information.
33. INT. JEWEL’S HOUSE- NIGHT
At dinner, Jewel answers all Henry’s questions; she confirms Lillian has been murdering Black people. He asks, Is Jewel a member of the KKK?
Suddenly, he feels lightheaded and passes out. Jewel drugged him.
34. INT. LILLIAN’S BASEMENT -NEXT DAY
Henry awakes to see his feet and hands are tied, lying on the floor on top of a large blanket. Lillian tells him he should have listened to Sam and left. Now he can’t be trusted and must be dealt with the right way. Equal opportunity. “I treat all traitors the same.”
Jewel runs in as Lillian is about to inject Henry with drugs, shoves Lillian who falls and hits her head on the floor; HARD. She’s knocked unconscious.
Jewel unties Henry and they run through the backwoods.
CHANGE: Lillian tells Henry he knew he was a N-er all along; belittles him. Jewel comes to Henry’s rescue.
35. EXT. BACKWOODS- SAME
Jewel and Henry stumble on what they think are logs but discover it’s the bodies of Sam and Paul.
Henry tells Jewel to get the police and bring them back; he has to go back and secure Lillian; can’t let her get away.
36. INT. LILLIAN’S HOUSE- SAME
Henry enters the house, grabs rope from the garage and descends the basement stairs. Lillian is not where she fell; he turns around and is hit in the head with a shovel. He’s out cold.
CHANGE: Henry enters the house, grabs rope from the garage and descends the basement stairs. Lillian is not in the basement. He climbs the stairs to the kitchen and as he enters the living room he is ambushed by Lillian’s henchmen
37. EXT. BACKWOODS-LATER
Henry tied and wrapped in a blanket is being dragged. Lillian tells him what she will tell the police if they ask: “You were an alcoholic and a drug addict. Sure you tried to kick the habit, but you were weak; you couldn’t stop blaming yourself for causing the death of your wife and son, such a tragedy; you had so much potential. Black people just can’t get a break.” As she drags him to the top of the pit; Henry yells out for help.
Henry remembers he has the Swiss Army pocket knife that his son gave him in his back pocket – he frees his hands then feet and cuts the sheet.
Lillian is exhausted and slips, falls into the pit. Henry frees himself from the sheet and tackles her.
They struggle among the dirt and corpses. Henry gets hold of the shovel, hits Lillian. She falls face forward.
A helicopter looms overhead shining a bright light into the pit.
He hears dogs and police sirens approaching. He is lifted out of the pit. He sees Jewel walking towards him, smiling.
Police handcuff Lillian and take her into custody. She spits on the ground when she passes Henry and Jewel.
Henry is not phased-he is happy to be alive. As they walk back to the house, he asks Jewel if she ever read Chaucer’s Canterbury tales. “No?” Henry says he will introduce her to a copy of the book there’s a tale in it she might be like.
CHANGE: Lillian finds out that her mother is Black and therefore so is she. She dies a horrific death. Henry is victorious and overcomes his shame and guilt and accepts his true identity. He tells Jewel he will be there for her when she gets out of prison.
THE END
STARTING FROM THE BOTTOM TO THE TOP
A. BEATS GREAT BY THEMSELVES
Scenes: 35, 33, 30, 28, 23, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 7, 4, 5, 3,
B. BEATS SEEM DULL OR PROBLEMATIC
Scenes: 36, 31, 22, 8, 6,
C. BEATS ARE GOOD, BUT I FEEL NEED IMPROVEMENT
Scenes: 37, 34, 32, 29, 27, 26, 25, 24, 21, 20, 2, 1
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Demethress Davis.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by
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Day 3 Assignment – Time to elevate the beats of your story.
Well, it only took me a week to do this and I’ve had to cut corners. Rather than post two lists of beats, I’ve only posted the second (stronger) beats. The synopsis below doesn’t capture many of the changes I made. But I feel it’s stronger than the earlier version. So, what did learn? I learned that by creating a beat sheet it’s possible to catch inconsistencies and weaknesses. And by brainstorming other ways of writing them, it’s possible to create a stronger script. Jolly good fun!
Logline: In 1951 New York, a detective’s world spins out of control after he bungles two murder cases and is suspended by his department. He fights to redeem himself, but his investigation places him in the crosshairs of a Soviet spy ring and at odds with the FBI.
BEATS:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET – DAY
April 1951, Bob Stoughton (30s) rushes a badly injured boy to hospital on his motorcycle. He leaves the boy in the hands of an ER doctor, not knowing whether the boy lives or dies.
EXT. THAMES RIVER CONNECTICUT – DAY
An American diesel-electric sub is underway on the surface of the river. A Soviet spy team led by a mysterious man named Ian Clark (30s) is photographing the sub.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton in running gear jogs through the streets.
INT. STOUGHTON’S BEDROOM – DAY
As he finishes dressing, we see by his gun and detective badge that Stoughton is a police officer. His wife, Cindy (20s), offers encouragement as he heads to work to take on the “bad guys.”
EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD NEW WORK CITY – DAY
Ian Clark pulls up to a home in his black 1950 Ford and knocks on the door of a home. He gives a false name as he is admitted by Professor Andrew Desmond (50s).
INT. DESMOND HOME – DAY
Mrs. Desmond (50s) arrives home to find her husband dead in his study. It looks like he got drunk then put a gun in his mouth and blew his brains out.
INT. DESMOND HOME – DAY
Stoughton arrives, investigates the death scene and questions Mrs. Desmond. His line of questioning is based on the evidence indicating the professor killed himself. Mrs. Desmond disputes this and challenges Stoughton to treat the death as a murder.
INT. LT RAYMOND’S OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton reports to his boss, Lt William Raymond (50s), and tells him the evidence in the professor’s death indicates a suicide. But with Desmond’s wife’s words still in his mind, Stoughton says he wants to continue investigating – to be certain. Raymond tells him to make it fast – there’s more work for him.
INT. GROTON NAVAL BASE CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Naval officers, including Commander John Forbes (40s), pore over plans for a new submarine – USS Nautilus. Forbes leaves with some of the plans in his briefcase.
EXT.COLONIAL-STYLE HOUSE – DAY
Forbes hands the plans to Clark, who photographs them. Forbes thinks Clark is a Brit and the two men argue. Forbes tells Clark how much he detests him for being a traitor. Clark reveals he’s a disgruntled Canadian with no loyalties to any nation. Forbes wears the mantle of a loyal American, but Clark cuts him down to size by pointing out he’s stealing nuclear secrets. Forbes complains he has no choice because Clark is blackmailing him with compromising sex photos.
INT. FEDERAL BUILDING – DAY
Stoughton tries to get an interview with a member of the House Un-American Activities Committee to see if they were investigating Desmond but is stonewalled by a junior official.
INT. STOUGHTON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Stoughton has a nightmare based on his wartime experience as a combat soldier in France.
INT. STOUGHTON’S BEDROOM – DAY
As Stoughton is dressing, Cindy enters and tells him she is worried about him. She suggests he consider a different job. He refuses and tells her not worry – he can handle the stress of being a cop.
EXT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY CAMPUS – DAY
Stoughton interviews the dean of Desmond’s department, asking if Desmond was a communist or had any conflicts with others. The dean responds ambiguously, telling Stoughton that of course Desmond had conflicts with others – it’s a university – and didn’t see eye-to-eye with others on how to handle the Soviet Union.
INT. HOMICIDE DETECTIVES’ OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton is frustrated by not being able to definitively close the Desmond case. He shares his frustrations with a more experienced detective, Jack Harrison (30s). Harrison tells Stoughton to trust his instincts. Another older detective, Darren Endersby (40s) tells Stoughton to go to Desmond’s funeral.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
At Desmond’s funeral Stoughton takes note of the mourners. Aside from Desmond’s wife, the dean and colleagues, there’s a mysterious woman (50s) with piercing eyes. Clark is also there, although at this point there’s nothing to link him to Desmond’s death. As well, there’s a mysterious man in a car watching from a distance.
INT. STOUGHTON’S APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton completes a pencil sketch from memory of the mourners at Desmond’s funeral. As a man in his thirties, Clark stands out from the rest of the middle-aged mourners.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
At the end of the workday, Theodore Stankowski (20s) gets off his bus and buys some apples at a grocery store. Stankowski leaves his lunchbox at the store as he goes to help a young woman crying in a doorstep. She has been beaten up. He gives her some money and she heads off, not realizing she has dropped her blood-stained handkerchief. Stankowski pockets the handkerchief and heads after her, watched by the grocery store shopkeeper.
EXT. SMALL CITY PARK – DAY
Stoughton and Cindy are sitting on a park bench, basking in the warm glow of the evening sun. She’s feeding pigeons. He’s drawing on a sketch pad. She asks him whether he worries about making mistakes in his investigations. He responds that he goes where the evidence takes him.
EXT. NEW WORK CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton is called to a murder scene – the woman befriended by Stankowski the day before. Stoughton learns Stankowski left his lunchbox in the grocery store. His name and address are on a label inside the lunchbox.
INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
Stoughton is with Stankowski and his lawyer. The lawyer offers to introduce a guilty plea to manslaughter. Stankowski’s English is poor, and he fails to understand what’s happening.
INT. POLICE BALLISTICS DEPARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton chats with a ballistics expert, who confirms the bullet that killed Desmond came from the gun found at the death scene. The gun’s serial number has been filed off, but it could have come from a stolen shipment.
INT. BROWNSTONE WALKUP – DAY
Stoughton meets Peter Fischer, the husband of Angela Fischer, the woman Stoughton is accused of killing. Stoughton is shocked by his lack of emotion upon learning his wife is dead.
INT. MORGUE – DAY
Peter Fischer identifies his wife’s body, again with no emotion. Stoughton learns his employment is spotty and often connected with the docks.
INT. POOL HALL – NIGHT
Stoughton and his friend, Dick Galbraith (30s), play pool while discussing the Red Scare. Stoughton shares his concerns about being blocked in his investigation by people who intimate that Desmond was disloyal to American and a communist sympathizer.
EXT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY CAMPUS – DAY
Ian Clark visits the campus swimming pool where a young man is swimming laps. It’s Jorge Rodríguez (20s), the man we saw taking photos of subs.
INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY SWIMMING POOL – DAY
Three students discover Rodríguez’s body in the pool.
INT. RUN-DOWN TENEMENT – DAY
Stoughton informs Angela Fischer’s parents of her murder. They imply God has punished her for being headstrong and not obeying her husband, but they stop short of blaming Peter Fischer.
INT. POLICE STATION RECORDS ROOM – DAY
Stoughton learns Peter Fischer had a record for a handful of petty crimes. Angela Fischer had a record for prostitution.
INT. SEEDY BAR – NIGHT
Stoughton checks on Peter Fischer’s alibi for the time of Angela’s murder. A bartender and three men claim Fischer was playing cards in the bar that evening.
INT. RAYMOND’S OFFICE – DAY
Lt Raymond chastises Stoughton for bringing the three men from the bar to the station for questioning. Despite Stoughton’s protestations that he needed to check Fischer’s alibi and be certain, Raymond insists Stankowski is the guilty party and Stoughton is just wasting everyone’s time. He also tells him to close the Desmond case ASAP.
EXT. CITY STREET OUTSIDE THE COURT HOUSE – DAY
As Stoughton climbs the courthouse steps, a passing car backfires several times. Thinking it’s gunfire, Stoughton goes into a defensive posture with his gun drawn. Seeing it’s just a car, Stoughton stands, his hands shaking, and sees a man his age curled up in a ball on the stairs with his wife comforting him.
INT. DISTRICT ATTORNEY’S OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton questions the DA about how he will handle the Stankowski case and asks for more time to investigate. The DA challenges him – are you in the right job – and says he intends to convict Stankowski of murder and send him to the chair.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK – NIGHT
Clark deposits a small package in a secret location. After he leaves, another man retrieves the package and takes it to the Soviet mission.
INT. STOUGHTON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Stoughton has nightmares. He’s back in combat in France in 1944. Cindy watches him in frustration and leaves the room.
INT. STOUGHTON’S KITCHEN – DAY
Cindy suggests Stoughton seek help for his nightmares. He says he can deal with it himself.
INT. HOMICIDE DETECTIVES’ OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton is preparing to leave for the courthouse, where he will testify in the Stankowski case. He has a verbal confrontation with Detective Endersby and Detective Blatchford over the role of a cop and whether Stankowski is guilty. The other two detectives are convinced of his guilt because he is a foreigner from a communist country.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
With Stoughton on the stand, the DA makes his testimony sound like an iron-clad case for convicting Stankowski.
INT. RAYMOND’S OFFICE – DAY
As ordered, reports that Desmond’s death is a suicide based on the evidence. Raymond is happy with this and tells him to move on to the next case.
EXT. CITY STREET OUTSIDE SOVIET MISSION – NIGHT
A black van sits in the street across the street from the mission. Inside are three men monitoring transmissions, but they’re frustrated because they can’t decode them.
INT. STOUGHTON’S KITCHEN – DAY
Stoughton and Cindy are eating breakfast. Cindy is fidgeting and trying to find out what time her husband will be home after work. Stoughton says it depends on the court case.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
The jury convicts Stankowski of murder and the judge sentences him to the chair.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton arrives home early, finding Cindy dressed to the nines and heading out for lunch. He asks to join her, but she says it would be a bad idea – she will be comforting a girlfriend whose sister died.
INT. CHEAP MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Clark meets with three FBI agents, led by Special Agent Garth Saunders. Saunders threatens him with arrest if he doesn’t supply better intelligence fast.
INT. HOMICIDE DETECTIVES’ OFFICE – DAY
Mrs. Stankowski enters visits Stoughton and pleads for him to save her husband.
INT. COLONIAL STYLE HOUSE STUDY – DAY
Clark puts pressure on Forbes to provide more plans for Nautilus fast.
INT. STOUGHTON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Stoughton tells Cindy he’ll attend Stankowski’s execution because he feels like he owes him.
EXT. SING SING CORRECTIONAL FACILITY – DAY
Stoughton witnesses the execution – a horrific scene.
EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN OFF CONNECTICUT COAST – DAY
An American sub spots a Soviet spy ship that is broadcasting in code as they enter the Atlantic.
INT. STOUGHTON’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
Stoughton gets a call summoning him to the station – they’ve found Angela’s purse.
INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT
Stoughton questions Holland Kirby (20s), one of the men from the bar who gave Fischer an alibi. Kirby admits Fischer gave him money to rough up Angela, but he didn’t intend to kill her.
INT. LT RAYMOND’S OFFICE – DAY
Raymond harangues Stoughton for charging Kirby and Peter Fischer for Angela’s death. Stoughton protests, but Raymond says he doesn’t want the force to be ridiculed. He tells Stoughton to get used to the fact that an innocent man was executed. It won’t be the last.
INT. HOMICIDE DETECTIVES’ OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton learns from Harrison that Fischer and Kirby were released and that both men are police informers on Endersby’s payroll.
INT. STOUGHTON’S APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton goes home drunk and is confronted by an angry Cindy.
INT. STOUGHTON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Stoughton has a nightmare – he’s back in France in 1944. He wakes up with the jitters and Cindy leaves the room.
INT. STOUGHTON’S KITCHEN – DAY
Stoughton and Cindy argue over breakfast. She’s fed up with the nightmares, the crazy hours, him driving drunk. She tells him she may go to her mother’s place for a while. He asks her to stay. Nothing is settled.
INT. HOMICIDE DETECTIVES’ OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton arrives and is ridiculed by Endersby and Blatchford for bungling the Stankowski case. A brawl ensues. Harrison comes to Stoughton’s assistance.
INT. LT RAYMOND’S RECEPTION ROOM – DAY
Raymond suspends Stoughton for brawling and for making the department a laughingstock for arresting Fischer and Kirby in Angela Fischer’s murder after Stankowski’s execution.
INT. POLICE STATION CORRIDOR – DAY
Stoughton tells Harrison he’s been suspended. Harrison is sympathetic.
INT. STOUGHTON’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Stoughton arrives home, looking for sympathy from Cindy but doesn’t get it. The phone rings and Cindy heads out, claiming she will be meeting a girlfriend.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton is suspicious and goes after Cindy. He trails her taxi to a restaurant.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Stoughton enters and sees Cindy embrace and kiss another man. Stoughton confronts them. Cindy is mortified. The other man attempts to be tough, but Stoughton easily handles him. Cindy tells Stoughton she’s fed up with his violence. He storms out.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
In a grim mood, Stoughton rides his Triumph at high speed, weaving around vehicles. He fails to see a traffic light up ahead turn red. At the last second, he realizes he’s heading into cross-traffic and pedestrians. He speeds through the intersection, narrowly missing everyone and cursing himself for being an idiot.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Stoughton goes to Harrison’s home and asks to spend the night. Harrison and his wife put him in the spare bedroom.
INT. FBI BUILDING NYC – NIGHT
Special Agent Saunders meets with his boss, Special Agent Mark Blythe, and tells him his team is increasing the pressure on Ian Clark to gain access to Soviet codes.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton is sleeping on a mattress on the floor. He’s a mess. The phone rings. It’s Mrs. Desmond.
INT. CHEZ ANDRÉ – DAY
It’s very posh. Stoughton is totally out of place in his casual clothes. The maître ‘d insists that Stoughton put on a tie and jacket before entering. Stoughton is escorted to Mrs. Desmond’s table. They argue. She insists her husband was murdered and demands Stoughton do his job properly. Do it right, this time, she tells him. She leaves him fuming at the table.
EXT. MUDDY ROAD FRANCE – DAY (STOUGHTON’S NIGHTMARE)
It’s hedgerow country, summer 1944. A young Stoughton in combat gear is falling behind his platoon. Dark clouds swirl overhead. A ghostly voice orders Stoughton to keep up.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK CONSERVATORY POND – DAY
Stoughton meets Detective Harrison and tells him he’s thinking of quitting the force. He says he’d hoped to find a place for himself as a cop. He says he’d hoped to recapture the sense of mission he felt during the war. Harrison cautions him that unlike soldiering, it’s a lot harder to tell who the bad guys are in police work.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING DARK ROOM – DAY
Under red light, Clark hangs wet prints on a line. He turns on the white light and examines the prints – detailed plans of the interior of a submarine – Nautilus.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING SECOND FLOOR – DAY
Clark makes a phone call, telling someone he will make a delivery. Looking out the window, he spots a shadowy man in a car on the other side of the street.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – NIGHT
Stoughton is at his kitchen table reading a newspaper, drinking coffee and smoking. He hasn’t shaved in days. There’s a knock on the door. Stoughton opens it. A man introduces himself as Mike Austin (30s), the father of the boy Stoughton rushed to hospital. He tells Stoughton he saved the boy’s life. He thanks Stoughton, telling him he’s a good man. After Austin leaves, Stoughton starts sobbing.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton wakes up. Initially, he’s unsure of himself, but a look of determination soon crosses his face.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton in running gear jogs through the streets.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton exits his bathroom, naked, freshly shaved and groomed. He pulls a suit out of a closet.
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM – DAY
Stoughton questions the coroner about his autopsy of Desmond. The coroner insists everything points to suicide. But then he recalls an odd detail – there was alcohol in Desmond’s lungs. He shrugs it off, but Stoughton’s curiosity is piqued.
EXT. DESMOND HOME – DAY
Stoughton knocks and Mrs. Desmond answers. He wants to see the study again. She’s suspicious of him but lets him in. She hasn’t been in it since the death of her husband.
INT. DESMOND’S STUDY – DAY
Stoughton enters finds the room trashed. Someone was looking for something. He searches the room. In a wastebasket, he finds a scrap of paper. In handwritten ink are the words “orphans donation” and “Evans”. Also, a time – 9:30, Thursday.
INT. DESMOND’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Stoughton questions Mrs. Desmond about the study. She’s shocked to learn of the break-in. He asks about Desmond’s missing appointment book. She can’t help him. He tells her he now believes Desmond was murdered. As they talk, Stoughton notices high-quality photos of New York City on the wall. It was Desmond’s hobby, and he has an extensive camera collection.
INT. DESMOND’S LIBRARY – DAY
Mrs. Desmond shows Stoughton the camera collection. Inside one of them, he finds several sheets of note paper. One is a list of names. The other is in code.
INT. RAY’S DINER – EVENING
Stoughton tries to make sense of the notes from the camera but can’t. He befriends a Black waitress who suggests he turn to his friends for help.
INT. DICK GALBRAITH’S OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton asks Galbraith to help with assessing the notes. Galbraith agrees to help.
INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY PRIVATE OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton learns that the list of names is of foreign students who have returned home. Except for one – Jorge Rodríguez, who was a student of Desmond’s and died in the swimming pool.
INT. UNIVERSITY HALLWAY – DAY
A security officer explains that a cleaning lady found a textbook with some notes in it after one of Desmond’s classes. The book had Rodríguez’s name in it, so the security officer took it to Desmond.
INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING BASEMENT – DAY
A maintenance man takes Stoughton to Rodríguez’s locker, which is empty. But a student at a nearby locker overhears them talking and volunteers that he has Rodríguez’s duffle bag. He tells Stoughton that Rodríguez had a small motorcycle and used to take trips along the coast. He was also a strong swimmer.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton opens Rodríguez’s duffle bag. He finds a pair of binoculars, a 35mm camera, a telephoto lens and a leather-bound pocket Bible. He also finds a Walther P38 pistol with three spare magazines, a map of the East Coast, and a wire-ring notebook with an elastic band around it. The pages he found in Desmond’s camera match missing pages in the notebook.
There are also scraps of paper and a pamphlet from a charitable organization, which Stoughton throws in the trash can. The map has the highway between New York and New London is highlighted in red ink.
INT. STOUGHTON’S BATHROOM – DAY
Stoughton has turned the bathroom into a temporary darkroom. From a wire, hang B&W 8×10 prints.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton examines the prints with a magnifying glass. They’re of submarines.
INT. DICK GALBRAITH’S OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton shows Galbraith the B&W prints. Galbraith shows him the Nautilus file and tells him this is the ultimate prize for Soviet espionage. He tells Stoughton to back off the case and hand it to the FBI.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton is at his table finishing a sketch of Professor Desmond. He stands and pins it to a wall beside a sketch of Rodríguez and a photo of a diesel sub.
INT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – DAY
Stoughton searches for information on cryptology.
INT. CORNELL UNIVERSITY MALOTT HALL – DAY
Stoughton knocks on the door of Prof G Greenberg. The door opens and he’s the short woman with the piercing eyes who attended Desmond’s funeral. She reveals that she’s Prof Greenberg.
INT. PROFESSOR GREENBERG’S OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton has come to see Prof Greenberg because she’s a cryptologist who worked with American Intelligence during the war. She agrees to look at the coded notes, but only if he’ll leave them with her for several days.
INT. PROFESSOR GREENBERG’S OFFICE – DAY
As soon as Stoughton leaves, Greenberg makes a phone call to a mysterious person, asking whether they know anything about a Soviet surveillance team watching East Coast sub bases.
EXT. EBBETS FIELD – DAY
Independence Day. Flags everywhere. Stoughton is watching a baseball game when the sight of tourists with a sightseeing pamphlet jars his memory. He quickly leaves the game.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton finds the rumpled pamphlet from the student’s duffle bag. The pamphlet describes the work done by a charity called Orphaned Children’s Relief Foundation. The address is in Manhattan. There’s also a head shot of Ian Clark. Stoughton compares it to the sketch he made at the funeral – they match.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton goes to the Orphaned Children’s Relief Foundation. He doesn’t notice a shadowy man in a suit sitting in a car across the street. The man watches Stoughton, then writes in his notebook.
INT. CHILDREN’S FOUNDATION – DAY
Stoughton visits ostensibly to make a donation, but in reality, to check out the organization. He meets Clark and gives him a false name. Their conversation raises suspicions in both men.
EXT. CITY STREET OUTSIDE THE CHILDREN’S FOUNDATION – DAY
As Stoughton drives off on his Triumph, Clark takes photos of his license plate.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton calls Dick Galbraith from a phone booth and asks him to dig up any info on Clark and his organization.
‘s Triumph is parked beside a phone booth. Stoughton is inside the phone booth, dropping coins into the slots. After a few rings, the call is answered.
INT. CLARK’S OFFICE – DAY
Clark has developed the photo of Stoughton’s bike and is checking with the license office on the ownership.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton pins a sketch of Clark on the wall along with those of Rodríguez, Desmond and the sub photo.
INT. PROFESSOR GREENBERG’S OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton has returned Greenberg gives him the key to deciphering the coded notes. She tells him he’s out of his depth and should go to the FBI.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – EVENING
Stoughton deciphers the coded notes and finds Clark’s name as well as info on the Soviet spy ring. He calls Dick Galbraith and makes an appointment to meet him.
EXT. STOUGHTON’S BUILDING – NIGHT
Clark sabotages Stoughton’s Triumph.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton is riding his bike to the meeting with Galbraith and his brakes fail. He narrowly misses hitting a group of moms and kids, only by turning his bike on its side.
INT. DICK GALBRAITH’S OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton tells he’s convinced Ian Clark is the head of the Soviet spy ring and killed Desmond and Rodriguez. Galbraith insists Stoughton doesn’t have the evidence – he’s just guessing. They argue. Stoughton storms out after Galbraith insists he drop this line of inquiry.
EXT. MA & PA GROCERY STORE – DAY
Stoughton exits and three FBI agents hustle him into a car.
INT. CHEAP MOTEL ROOM – DAY
Stoughton meets Special Agent Saunders, who orders him to leave Clark alone or he will face serious consequences.
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Stoughton is forced to walk home, through some of the seedier parts of town.
EXT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT
Mrs. Stankowski darts out and bumps into Stoughton. She’s in tears because she has no money to buy food for her daughter. Stoughton offers her some money, but she refuses to take it.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – NIGHT
Stoughton returns home and discovers the sketches on the wall are gone. So is Rodríguez’s duffle bag and most of his notes on the case. He checks under the desk. Rodríguez’s notebook is taped to the underside. He exhales in relief.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton is sitting at the kitchen table writing his resignation letter.
EXT. CITY STREET OUTSIDE STOUGHTON’S APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton is fixing the brakes on his bike.
EXT. CITY STREET NEAR CHILDREN’S FOUNDATION – DAY
Stoughton parks his Triumph a block from the foundation. He spots a man in a car watching the building. Stoughton quietly makes his way to a diner and enters.
INT. DINER – DAY
Stoughton keeps an eye on Clark’s building. There’s a changing of the guard for the shadowy observers. Then Clark leaves his office and gets into a blue Pontiac and drives off. The observer in a Chevy pulls away from the curb and follows him.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Stoughton leaves the diner and heads after Clark and the Chevy.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Clark pulls up outside a townhouse and enters. The Chevy parks nearby.
Stoughton pulls up out of sight and watches the townhouse. After a moment, he partially circles the block, behind Clark’s building and watches.
EXT. BACK COURTYARD – DAY
The back door of Clark’s townhouse opens. Stoughton watches Clark walk to his black Ford and get in. Stoughton follows him to New London.
EXT. COLONIAL STYLE HOUSE – DAY
As Stoughton watches the house, Forbes pulls up in his burgundy Pontiac and enters the house carrying a briefcase. He notes the plate number of Forbes’ car. Forbes leaves and Stoughton follows him. Clark watching from a window spots him.
EXT. GROTON NAVAL BASE – DAY
Stoughton watches Forbes enter the base. As he heads back to New York, he fails to see Clark’s black Ford parked at the side of the road
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Stoughton phones the licence office to check on Forbes’s number.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – NIGHT
Stoughton, dressed entirely in black, prepares for a break-in.
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Stoughton is at a small bookstore near Clark’s foundation, watching the building. When Clark leaves, with his usual shadow, Stoughton picks the lock and enters.
INT. CHILDREN’S FOUNDATION – NIGHT
Stoughton enters and searches the office. He can’t open the safe, but he finds a one-way Pan Am ticket to Paris. He finds a stack of photos of Commander Forbes in bed with a young woman. He finds a photo of his license plate with a piece of paper bearing his name and address. And he finds Desmond’s appointment book
INT. CLARK’S TOWNHOUSE BEDROOM – DAY
Clark packs a briefcase with a bottle of bourbon, a bottle of chloroform, cotton batting, a Webley pistol and a Colt .38. He stands by the window and makes a show of settling in with a book but goes out the back way carrying a briefcase.
INT. RADIO ROOM – CONTINUOUS
In Clark’s office, Stoughton finds a shortwave radio with a map of the East Coast, a Russian-English dictionary and a leather-bound Bible similar to the one Jorge Rodríguez had.
INT. DARK ROOM – CONTINUOUS
In the dark room, Stoughton finds strips of negatives and prints of diesel-electric subs, and the Nautilus plans.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH – NIGHT
Stoughton tries calling Special Agent Saunders but can’t reach him. He calls Dick Galbraith and arranges to meet him later this night. But first he must go home to pick up something.
INT. A LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
It’s pitch black. A shadowy figure is sitting in a chair smoking a cigarette, only the glowing tip is visible.
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Stoughton is riding his Triumph through the city. It starts to rain. He comes to his building and parks his bike.
INT. STOUGHTON’S NEW APARTMENT – NIGHT
Stoughton enters the dark suite and reaches for the light switch. A hand plants a wad of cotton batting soaked in chloroform over his face. Stoughton struggles briefly but passes out.
INT. STOUGHTON’S APARTMENT – LATER
Stoughton regains consciousness and finds himself sitting in a chair with a Colt .38 in his right hand, a bottle of bourbon and a glass on the table beside him. Clark is staging his suicide. With difficulty, Stoughton wrestles with Clark and eventually gets the drop on him. Clark tries to talk Stoughton into joining forces, but Stoughton refuses. A shootout ensues. Clark dies. Stoughton is shot in the shoulder and passes out. The apartment is on fire from a dropped cigarette.
EXT. NEW WORK CITY TIMES SQUARE – DAY (STOUGHTON’S NIGHTMARE)
Stoughton has a nightmare about a Soviet nuclear sub launching missiles at New York.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Stoughton wakes to find Harrison sitting beside his bed. Harrison explains the FBI have “forgiven” him for going after Clark and Raymond wants to reinstate him. Stoughton isn’t sure he wants to go back – he doesn’t want to be Raymond’s kind of cop. “Then be your own kind of cop,” Harrison says.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – LATER
Stoughton wakes to find Dick Galbraith sitting beside him. Galbraith tells him the FBI are thankful that Stoughton ended Clark’s spying. But they don’t know how he got the secret documents. Stoughton says he can tell them.
INT. COLONIAL STYLE HOUSE – DAY
Forbes enters the lobby and is arrested by the FBI. Galbraith tells Stoughton that Uncle Sam owes him for this. Stoughton says he has several ideas about payment.
INT. DESMOND’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Stoughton tells Mrs. Desmond a story will run in the papers clearing her husband of any taint of communism – he will be a hero. Mrs. Desmond is grateful.
INT. STANKOWSKI APARTMENT KITCHEN – DAY
Mrs. Stankowski, very pregnant, is feeding her daughter when a letter pops through the mail slot in the front door. The letter says her husband has been cleared of the wrongful conviction and she has been granted U.S. citizenship. She’s overwhelmed.
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT CORRIDOR – DAY
Stoughton exits Lieutenant Raymond’s office. He pockets his badge and slips his snub-nose Colt .38 into his holster.
INT. HOMICIDE DETECTIVES’ OFFICE – DAY
Stoughton enters the office. Other detectives ignore Stoughton as he walks to his desk. He pulls an envelope out of his pocket – his resignation letter. He rips it up and drops it into the garbage can. Harrison notes there’s a baseball game on after work and suggests he and Stoughton attend. Stoughton agrees. His world has returned to normal and he’s back in the saddle.
FADE OUT
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Here’s my beath sheet with some reflections upon possible improvements… Jave I misunderstood the assignment? And it’s more of a free form.
The Image Makes
By Marina S
Logline: An American war photographer with a dark secret in her past becomes entangled in her accidental lover’s investigation of a CIA renegade operation in Afghanistan circa 2001 and must risk her life and her family legacy to save him and atone for her past.
Act 1
Beat 1 Page 1-3
A MONTAGE OF PHOTOGRAPHS.
Macabre, bizarre, strangely beautiful images, all in sharp focus.
EXT. STREETS OF KABUL
Sarah and her fixer Said on the way to the bombing Said. She flips through her photographs – the picture book of hell. He acts like her older dotting brother.
Beat 2 Page 3-4
EXT. AMSTERDAM (2001) — RED LIGHT DISTRICT – EVENING (FLASHBACK)
Sarah remembers Amsterdam – a thief stealing her purse in the red light district.
Suddenly, she’s in two places/time layers at once, mind and body split.
Beat 3 Page 4-6
EXT. KABUL – THE EXPLOSION SITE – DAY (PRESENT)
The site of suicide bombing.
Sara is reckless – crosses into the site despite the policeman’s warning.
Detached – takes a picture of a dismembered female body, asking Said to help her move it. Said is horrified.
Beat 4 Page 6-7
Sarah remembers the trans woman in Amsterdam – the look of loathing on her face. A hint of her deeply seated self-loathing.
Beat 5 Page 7-8
INT. JEEP – KABUL
Sarah apologizes to Said – they make peace.
Said warns her about Omar Khaled, the host of the TV show she’s invited on – “he’s going to fuck with you.
Beat 6 Page 8-10
INT. GANDAMACK LODGE – SARAH’S ROOM – DAY
Sarah is on Skype with Matty, her boss, and on-again, off-again lover.
We realize her personal is a mess… Running away from herself: “I need to shed my skin once in a while.”
Beat 7 Page 10 – 11
EXT. AMSTERDAM (2001) – NIGHT (FLASHBACK/DREAM)
A flashback of Sarah jumping into a canal to get her bag – merges into a dream of a man on fire who sinking underwater next to her. He tries to touch her – she pushes him down, terrified.
Beat 7 Page 11- 14
INT. KABUL – LIVE TV STUDIO – EVENING (PRESENT)
Omar interviews Sarah on his show in front of the live studio audience.
Accuses her of playing God, quoting Allah – “who does more wrong than one who tries to create something like my creation? Let create a grain of wheat…”
Sarah is pissed off. Get away with a self-congratulating joke.
Act 1 Inciting incident — Love Plot-line
Beat 8 Page 14-18
INT. KABUL – THE EYE OF ALLAH STUDIO — DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT
In his dressing room, Omar tells her about his investigation of his brother’s suspicious death at a black site in 2001. Suggests they join efforts. She refuses to say she’s not a journalist. She’s attracted to him… also troubled by him. What does he want from her?
Beat 9 Page 18-19
INT. AMSTERDAM (2001) – HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
Back at the hotel, Sarah has a flashback of Amsterdam.
She’s dancing with Parker Luna, a Black jazz musician, 40s, in a hotel room,
to the sound of his sax (on a vinyl record).
Beat 10
Page 19-23
INT. GANDAMACK LODGE – SARAH’S ROOM
and
INT. GANDAMACK LODGE – BAR – NIGHT
Unable to sleep, Sarah comes down to the hotel bar.
Omar is there, waiting for Burr, a retired CIA interrogator from the black site who promised some sensational information about his brother – but stood him up. This time Sarah is willing to listen. His presence troubles her – it’s more than physical attraction.
She has another flashback of Amsterdam – the same hotel room, the same man… This time David is revealed watching her, jealous.
To put an end to this suspense, she invites Omar to her room.
Beat 11 Page 23- 28
INT. GANDAMACK LODGE – SARAH’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sarah and Omar’s post-coital bliss is interrupted by a phone call from Burr. He wants to see Omar right away, telling him he’s been followed. Omar leaves in a hurry. Sarah comes with him (Do I know how tired I am of this patriarchal bullshit?)
Beat 12 Page 28 – 32
INT/EXT. RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD IN KABUL – BURR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Sarah and Omar find Burr’s house empty – the door unlocked. Omar goes inside to investigate, leaving Sarah waiting in a cab.
Inside the house, Omar discovers a tape left in a VRC slot (Burr was watching just before they arrived) – a harsh interrogation of his brother Ahmed by Burr back in 2001.
Omar pockets the tape and leaves… Unaware of an assassin hiding in the bathroom, next to Burr’s body.
Outside the house, Sarah discovers a mysterious Cable TV van with tinted windows. Suspicious, she takes a picture of the van.
Omar hurries out of the house – and they drive away.
Omar drops Sarah off at the hotel, not to mention the tape…
She feels suspicious and disappointed. What is he hiding?
This Act 1 Inciting Incident – Conspiracy Plot-line (B)
Beat 13 Page 32- 33
INT. HOTEL ROOM IN AMSTERDAM (2001)- NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
A flashback to Amsterdam – Sarah and David are tripping on mushrooms.
Beat 14 Page 33 -36
INT. KABUL – GANDAMACK LODGE – SARAH’S ROOM – EARLY MORNING
(PRESENT)
Omar’s servant delivers an envelope with a videotape and a burner phone at Sarah’s door.
Said calls – and tells her that Omar has been arrested accused of murdering Burr.
Sarah refuses to believe Omar is guilty and asks Said to help translate the tape believing it will prove he’s innocent (Do you have a VCR at home?)
End Act 1 for the love storyline (A).
End Inciting Incident chain for conspiracy storyline (B) (Sarah’s on a mission)
Beat 15 Page 36
INT. CIA SPECIAL ACTIVITIES DIVISION (SAD) NEW YORK OFFICES
In his office in New York, Agent Gibbs (the chief of the CIA special ops division) studies the surveillance video of Omar in Burr’s house in Kabul. He reports to his
superior that the videotape is missing — Omar must have had an associate. Was Omar set up?
The antagonist 1 is introduced.
Act 2 ( B storyline)
Beat 16 Page 37 – 42
EXT. KABUL – SAID’S BUILDING – DAY
And
INT. SAID’S APARTMENT – LATER
Sarah and Said watch the interrogation tape in Said’s apartment.
On the tape, Ahmed tells Burr that he works for the CIA… Burr sends his men out of the room ready to listen. Light his cigarette…
Sarah has a brief flashback of Luna’s face, staring at her… She feels sick.
Beat 17 Page 42
INT. NEW YORK – GIBBS OFFICE – MORNING
Gibbs scrolls down Sarah’s digital file on the computer screen and reports her whereabouts to his superior. He calls the hired assassin in Kabul to make his move. Get the tape but let the girl go.
He is having his doubts.
Beat 18 Page…
The assassin breaks into Said’s apartment. Said is killed. Sarah is spared. The assassin gets the wrong tape (Said tricks him).
Beat 19
Gibbs gets the news about the wrong tape. Prepares for Sarah’s arrival.
The assassin (the hired gun) is in trouble.
Beat 20 Page
EXT./INT. AIRPLANE TAKEOFF – NIGHT
Sarah calls Matty asking her to meet her at the airport – she’s on her way to New York.
End Act 1 Conspiracy Storyline (B).
ACT 2 (B)
Beat 21 Page…
Gibbs installs surveillance equipment in Sarah’s apartment and waits outside in his car for her arrival.
Beat 22
EXT. JFK AIRPORT, ARRIVALS HALL – MORNING
Matty meets Sarah at the airport.
Beat 23
EXT. SARAH’S BUILDING – AFTERNOON
Gibbs’s SUV is parked across the street. INSIDE, it is equipped with portable surveillance equipment.
Gibbs is watching Sarah and Matty watch the tape.
Beat 24
Gibbs has a flashback – meeting Ahmed, his asset, in Tora Bora, with a sack full of cash. The mission is to “fail in capturing Bin Laden.
Beat 25
Sarah and Matty are shocked. Should they trust what they’ve just heard?
Matty says the tape is not enough to get the story published (not newsworthy). Sarah shows her the pictures of the TV Van near Burr’s house. Matty leaves promising to make inquires (the source at the CIA).
Suggest Sarah calls David – an aspiring politician. Sarah refuses. What happened between you two? You used to be so close?
Beat 26
Sarah, alone, takes a shower. Gibbs breaks in looking for the tape. Doesn’t find it. Installs spyware app on Sarah’s phone (Pegasus?)
Beat 27
Sarah comes out of the shower, picks up her phone – sees a strange text message. Suspects she’s being watched. “I have a feeling they are watching me right now…”. Packs up and leaves in a hurry.
Beat 28
Sarah checks herself into a small hotel.
Has a flashback of her and David in Amsterdam (a dingy hotel – we get robbed. Let’s have an adventure.)
She calls David and leaves a message.
Beat 29
Sarah charges the phone Omar left to her. Realizes it’s Bur’s phone. Listens to the message left by Gibbs for Burr ( no deal). Call back the number.
Gibs answers. “It’s time we talked.”
Beat 30
Sarah meets Gibbs in a diner. He offers her a deal – a tape in exchange for Omar’s release. (elevate the scene)
Sarah considers it… when David calls. She quickly walks away… but not before Gibb plants a surveillance device inside her bag. (elevate this)
Beat 31
David has a flashback of Amsterdam – they and Luna in a restaurant. He buys them dinner (he resents it. Sarah’s on the edge, flirting with Luna… “Are you brother and sister in a biblical sense, he jokes? David throws a drink at him.
Move this to the next beat.
Beat 32
Sarah meets David in her hotel room and plays the copy of the tape to him.
Initially, he’s not impressed (this is the old news). She’s angry — he thinks like a politician… He asks – is it all about that man, Omar? Your taste in men hasn’t changed… Their mind shifts to Amsterdam (Do you really NOT remember, he asks? “Bits and pieces… I wish I could remember. He responds — “I wish I could forget.”
Add – a flashback to the dinner with Luna. His flashback. He remembers him as a creep. In his mind, he saved Sarah from a sexual attack.
Back in the present — I wish Dad was alive (subtext – he saved us then, he might save us now). David has an idea to take the tape to his boss Finely, a conservative politician nominated for a high government post. His nomination is stalling in the senate – this conspiracy case could be his ticket to get the senate’s approval.
Elevate this — Sarah’s life is at stake. She gets a strange message on her phone. David realizes it the spyware used by the CIA and other high profile government agencies. He MUST save her once again.
Beat 33
Gibbs in his office, going through the old newspaper clippings about Sarah and David in Amsterdam. “Brother saves his sister from an attack. The attacker is dead on the scene…” “The official investigation has been dropped.
He decides to investigate further – tells his assistant to book a flight to Amsterdam.
Beat 34
David meets with Finley, who seems to take the bait. He jumps on the case, eager to start an investigation into the CIA’s past improprieties, protect Sarah as a witness.
When David leaves – he places an angry call to Gibbs, threatening to take matters into his own hands. We realize he is Gibb’s elusive boss.
Elevate the beat – introduce Finley earlier, set him up before the reveal… When?
Beat 35
Gibbs doesn’t pick up. He’s at the police station in Amsterdam, questioning the detective who was in charge of Sarah and David’s case back in 2001.
The detective tells him that Sarah and David had been caught dragging the victim’s scorched body toward the canal (in an attempt to dispose of it), He believes the siblings, two spoiled brats killed the man (set him on fire) because he caught them having an improper relationship. Both were under the drug influence. Their father, the senator, used his influence to shut down the investigation.
He produces the box with evidence that includes Sarah’s Leica camera with unprocessed film inside.
Offers the camera to Gibbs (make sure the justice is served this time).
Beat 36
On his way to the airport, Gibbs returns Finley’s call, telling him he has found something that could be “a game-changer”.
Insert a new Beat 37
David’s driving back to see Sarah – gets off the phone with her. Realizes he’s being followed by a truck.
Beat 38
In his office, Gibbs studies the processed photos from Sarah’s camera, arranges them so that to tell a “story.”
Quips, satisfied. Locates Sarah on the spyware map – on his way to confront her.
Calls Finely— again, no answer. He seems concerned.
Beat 39
Finely in his office not picking up the phone. He stares at the screen – on it, David’s car is seen from the POV of the pursuer.
Beat 40
David is trying to escape the truck that follows him.
He speeds up the car. Has a flashback of Amsterdam – fighting with Luna who overpowers him? A flick… Luna is a torch of fire…
Then, an explosion – everything goes black.
Beat 41
On his screen, Finley watches David’s car crashing… bursting into flames.
Beat 42
Sarah’s hotel room. A knock at the door. Sarah is frantic – believes it’s David… But it’s Gibbs.
He confronts her using the processed photographs as proof.
Lays out the pictures in front of her…
She remembers.
Beat 43
A flashback – reveal of the fatal night in Amsterdam.
…
Elevate – Sarah’s the one who lights the match – sets Luna on fire – as he overpowers David.
In her subconscious mind – Luna is a manifestation of her father (a negative image)?
David is her lost childhood love (that her father sent away)?)
Beat 44
Int. Hotel Room
Sarah recovers her memory of the event. She is crushed by guilt.
Immediately, she’s under pressure from Gibbs to sure Nader the tape – or else he will take the story to the press.
Sarah tells him it’s too late. The truth is out. Finley knows about the tape.
Gibbs is shocked. You don’t know what you’ve done. You put a target on David’s back. And yours too.
Her mother calls – or she calls her. There has been a cat accident.
Sarah is catatonic. Gibbs convinced her to promise his help in exposing Finley.
Too eventful for one scene?
End Act 2
Beat 45
Farmhouse – Night
Gibbs takes data to an old CIA safe house.
He wants to negotiate with Finley to boy sometime for her to leave the country.
She refuses to leave and be silent. Wants him to go on record and implicate Finley.
His phone rings – it’s Omar. He kept his promise to get him released.
Sarah steps outside to talk to Omar.
When she returns, Gibbs stares at the tv screen –
Where Finley is giving a press conference. He’s executing David’s plan accusing Gibbs of being the renegade cis operative responsible for the 2001black up and the present cover-up.
Gibbs is stunned. He’s ready to go n record. Call Marty
Beat 46
Ext. farmhouse- Night
Sarah his Gibbs on his way to meet with Matty. He has evidence –
Records of his phone conversations with Finley.
He leaves Sarah a gun. She watches him drive away and has a dark premonition.
Maybe – as a flashback of dree hunting with her father (dead deer – to foreshadow the later scene at a cemetery)
Beat 47
Sarah waits, anxiously, to hear from Gibbs.
Calls Matty – he hasn’t shown up yet.
The TV is on – and suddenly, she hears “the breaking news” sound.
Gibbs was found dead in his office in what seems like an apparent suicide. Left behind a confession.
Sarah is desperate.
She looks at the gun in her hand – comes up with an idea…
Elevate – show Gibbs’s show off with Finley? He arrives at the office to pick up the recording of his conversations with Finley… Finley is there, waiting for him. Linda, Gibbs’s invisible assistant had betrayed him…
Beat 48
Finley’s House – Night
Finley work in his office – his wife glances in. She’s back from David’s funeral – reprimands him for not attending. Says she brought a guest with her – David’s sister, Sarah. She’s desperate, poor thing. She will spend the night.
When Evelyn leaves, Sarah shows up at the door of his study, a gun in her hand.
Is this plausible? Maybe – Sarah sneaks in and shows up at Finley’s door, a gun in her hand?
Or – show David’s funeral? Sarah is there – and so is Finley… his security officer nearby waiting to get to Sarah as soon as the funeral is over? Sarah gets inside into Finley’s car or Evelyn’s car…
That – or a gathering at the Hauser’s home (Sarah’s mother is there) – Sarah befriends Evelyn there? Finely leaves earlier… Then, back at his house – Even has brought Sarah with her?
Beat 49
Int. Finley’s Study
With a gun in her hand, Sarah demands Finley to confess – but is overpowered by Alvaro, Finley’s security man – and is taken to a lake house.
Beat 50
Int. Finley’s Lake House
It is clear that Finely plans to eliminate her, the final loose end – but he can’t help but play the cat and mouse game with her. Tells her she knew her as a kid…
Sarah has a flashback of seeing Finley in her father’s study as she’s saying goodbye (before leaving for Amsterdam). She overheard her father’s voice behind the closed door… (if Evil didn’t exist, it would have to be invented…)
Finley tells her that it was her father who was the mastermind of the renegade operation to save Bin Laden. The paper trail will lead to him… He then gives an order to Alvaro to take Sarah out…. His wife calls.
It is revealed that Sarah was recording the entire scene with a body cam – and it is live-streamed on the internet.
Alvaro panics. Finley manages to locate the camera in the button of Sarah’s blouse (or a necklace) – but it’s too late. The FB men special forces are at the door.
Before they break in, Finley shoots Alvaro, shouting “I saved her life…”
Beat 51
EXT. Cemetery
Sarah and Matty visit David’s grave.
Finley will be put on trial – but Sarah is in doubt. “What if he gets away with it? Blame everything on my father…
“Everyone saw him confess on camera”
It’s not like he shot me on camera…”
‘Was that your plan?” Matty asks.
Sarah turns to David’s grave – “please forgive me.”
Then, to her father’s grave. “Maybe he planned this… his day of reckoning. I want to believe that…”
(She sees 2 deer watching her, near the grave. ”Don’t let him forget.”)
Then, to Matty. ‘There’s something I need to tell you. Once the trial is over…
Elevate the scene – (She decides to confess to Matty). Or she – I can’t testify on trial because I too am guilty? Tell Matty about Amsterdam – “ and this is on record.”
Or the scene takes place after Finley’s trial? He’s convicted but Sarah is disappointed with the results. That’s why she’s on her way to see Omar – to give him the tape?
Beat 52
INT. Kabul – Omar’s Studio.
Sarah meets Omar and gives him the tape. He’s suing the American government for his brother’s death.
She watches his show on the monitor – he burns the tape as a gesture of reconciliation.
She walks out on him – and drives away, into the mountains. The spirit of Luna (the mand whose life she had taken) is with her. He’s her wound her shadow in the past – now her guardian angel (is she driving to her death)?
Elevate: Sarah delivers the tape to Omar. For him – it’s a long-anticipated scene of love fulfilled. (He tells he’s getting a divorce?) But she can’t have him…She watches him on the screen as he shows the tape to his followers (the gem of truth) calling for reconciliation… She walks out, leaving a recording with her “confession…”
As she drives away with the spirit of Luna in her car (You’re the only man for me”, we hear her voice as Omar (and Matty? Listen to her “confession”): “Where you hear this, I’ll be far away…”
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Hi Marina,
This assignment challenged me, too. For one thing, I’m not sure I understood what was meant by “beat”. Is it an individual scene or something broader, such as the inciting incident, the call to action or a turning point.
In reading other students’ work, I’m also finding it difficult to fully appreciate the changes designed to elevate the beat. I felt it would have been helpful to be able to read the “before” and “after” versions. But that would take an inordinate amount of time – more time than the assignment specified.
I’m probably overthinking this assignment. Hal clearly didn’t expect us to spend a week working on one assignment.
Having said that, I’m finding this course helpful in rethinking much of my own screenplay. So, even though I’m way behind, I’m going to continue soldiering on. Best of luck to all of us.
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Hi Rachel, in my experience, it takes more than a week to create or revise a beat sheet… I would say, one week is hardly enough… Anyways, I would be happy to give yours a read. Unfortunately, I’m traveling next week – and won’t be able to do it until I’m back… The same goes for my own assignments:) I’d say it’s good to have this kind of structure and look at one layer after another… At this point, the deadlines are not so important… not for me, anyway. I’m hoping to come up with a new draft by late September at which point I’m doing a Stowe story lab. How about you? Any pressing deadlines?
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