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Day 3 Assignments
Reply to post assignment.
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11 Replies
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Matthew Frendo’s Suspense
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned how to easily create suspense in a script and a scene. This will make my screenplays more powerful and engaging to an audience.
Name: Alicia
Traits: Protective, Brave, Crafty, Loner
Subtext: Crafty
Name: Host
Traits: Power Hungry, Arrogant, Conspiring, Charismatic
Subtext: Conspiring
The Promise: that monsters will be released to hunt the sacrifices
What matters: the sacrifices could get killed by the monsters
The delay: waiting for the official hunt to beginINT. BEHIND AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT
The backstage area is full of workers milling about, all of whom noticeably look away from the Host, fearful. A countdown clock on the wall until the first beast is released is at 1:11, 1:10, 1:09…
The Host strides confidently backstage, then humbles himself as he sees ALEX (38) and DEB (62) standing with Bullet.
He dutifully and deferentially shakes their hands.
ALEX
Great speech! Very inspiring!
The Host responds modestly.
HOST
When it all comes from here–
(motions to his heart)
–it’s bound to inspire those with the same beauty inside of them.
DEB
You can cut the modest servant crap. There’s no audience.
The Host smirks, as she moves closer.
DEB
But it will be of great usage when you become Minister of Propaganda.
The Host smiles wide.
HOST
You mean–?
DEB
Who better? Lord knows you’ve waited long enough for it. As long as this hunt goes as well as the others–
The Host scoffs.
HOST
Please. This will be the quickest hunt in history.
DEB
Then once it’s done, come see me. We’ll discuss future plans.
She walks off.
DEB
Alex–
He dutifully follows her. Host smiles wide.
BULLET
You worried?
HOST
What would I be worried about?
BULLET
If another person makes it out like I did–
The Host scoffs again.
HOST
Have you seen the lazy turds out there this year? A group of first graders could kill them in two hours. But I do have a special surprise set up just in case. Call it an insurance investment.
(looks at Bullet)
Besides, we both know why they won’t get out like you did, don’t we?
Bullet looks down in shame as the Host gets excited.
HOST
Thirty long years…finally, I’m getting the recognition I’ve always deserved and moving up!
He punches the air in victory as he walks off–
TO THE SIDE–
Deb and Alex watch him walk off.
DEB
Make sure it all goes right tonight. Don’t need our new minister having problems before he starts.
ALEX
Got it.
Deb looks up at the countdown clock–00:12, 00:11–and turns back to Alex.
DEB
Have fun.
She turns and walks off as–
EXT. ABANDONED CIRCUS – NIGHT
Stan and Josh are walking along a forest area, looking at all the broken down circus equipment and places.
JOSH
Not much to hide out in.
STAN
What are we even hiding from, man?
JOSH
Don’t know yet. Bloodsucking spiders maybe. Large snakes that can eat a person whole. Clowns–
Stan noticeably shivers.
STAN
I hope it’s not clowns, man. I hate clowns.
A loud BOOM is heard in the distance.
STAN
What’s that mean?
Josh is panic stricken.
JOSH
Three booms mean–
He doesn’t even finish, just runs off in a frenzy. Stan watches, petrified, then follows quickly.
INT. GAMES AREA – NIGHT
Jocelyn is inside one of the old broken down game booths, rummaging quickly through items.
She pulls a screwdriver and is looking at it when–
BOOM! in the distance.
She puts the screwdriver into her belt loop and starts rummaging faster.
JOCELYN
Weapons! Where are the weapons?
EXT. CLOWN BUS – NIGHT
Nick climbs on top of the broken clown bus. He smiles, looking around.
NICK
Elevated position. Can see everything. Perfect.
BOOM! in the distance.
Then his smile drops as he looks around at all the open space around him.
NICK
This is a fucking death trap!
He quickly gets down and runs off.
INT. STRONG MAN CAGE – NIGHT
Alicia makes sure the door is locked, with a bunch of things put in front of it.
She checks the bars and finds out they’re strong.
She starts stacking some debris in front of the bars, then huddles in a corner, covering herself with various items left in the cage.
Then she sits and waits, eyes darting every which way.
QUICK MONTAGE–
–Josh and Stan badly hiding behind a tree.
–Jocelyn crouches by the games section, wrench in one hand and broken baseball bat in the other.
–Nick, in the clown bus now, watches as a sweat starts pouring down his face.
END MONTAGE
INT. CLOWN BUS – NIGHT
Nick keeps looking.
NICK
Who they gonna get first?
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DAY 3 SUSPENSE
Lisa’s Suspense
What I learned is that suspense can be added to any scene through anticipatory dialogue and the pacing of the action.
CHARACTERS:
MARY WINTERS
Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven
Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.
Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.POLICE –
SIOBHAN (pronounced Sha-vonne)
Traits: Athletic, Outspoken
Subtext: Do the right thing is Siobhan’s motto but it’s not easy when she’s tested every day. She loves her work because she helps people and her community.
Character Logline: Siobhan is a hardworking and hard playing scrappy gal who works twice as hard as her male co-workers and has developed a tough, but fair persona.
LUIS
Traits: Positive, Shy
Subtext: Squash any insecurity and show a happy face to everyone no matter the horrific situation.
Character Logline: Luis is shy at first until you get to know him, then he’s the life of the party. Luis is proud of his service to the town.
TOMMY
Traits: Tough, Skeptical
Subtext: Never let them see you sweat is Tommy’s motto. He’s not fond of his little boy’s name because he thinks it’s weak, but he couldn’t get people to make the transition to calling him just Tom.
Character Logline: Tommy is the hard-nosed boss who finds it hard to show a soft side especially when faced with a serious issue.
The Promise: Help with finding Peter and Santa
What matters: Finding Peter before he does something he’ll regret
The delay: The police don’t believe that Peter is dangerous; they laugh at her about Santa ClausScene 52 of “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”:
INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK
MARY enters the police station where three officers are sitting around. Mary runs up to SIOBHAN.
MARY
Siobhan, I need your help.
SIOBHAN
Is it about the festival? We have 10 officers all along Main Street.
MARY
It’s Peter, I have to find him.
SIOBHAN
I haven’t seen him.
MARY
No, I mean he might be in trouble.
SIOBHAN
Might? He’s probably over at Martini’s. Or have you checked his shop?
MARY
I was married to the guy; I know his usual places and he’s not at any of them.
SIOBHAN
I’m sure he’ll turn up.
MARY
No! you don’t understand! I have to find him as soon as possible.
LUIS comes over to the desk.
LUIS
Hi Mary, how’s the festival going?
MARY
Have you seen Peter?
LUIS
Hmm. I think I did see him. Let me think.
MARY
I need to find him now!
LUIS
I saw him earlier today down on Main.
MARY
What time was that?
LUIS
Well, let me think…
TOMMY comes over too.
TOMMY
Mary, how’s it going?
MARY
Have you seen Peter?
TOMMY
Hmm. No, I don’t think I’ve seen him for a couple of days. What seems to be the matter?
Mary turns around and pauses, thinking, then turns back around.
MARY
(blurting it out) He’s kidnapped Santa Claus!
Siobhan, Luis, and Tommy stare at her for a moment. Then they all burst out laughing.
TOMMY
(composing himself) Okay Mary, I think the stress of running the festival has gotten to you. Why don’t you have a sit here?
Tommy points to a chair.
MARY
I don’t need to sit Tommy. I need to find Peter!
LUIS
(chuckling) And Santa…
Mary just looks at him with a “I know it sounds insane” look.
SIOBHAN
Look Mary, when and where was Peter last seen?
MARY
I’m not sure. I’ve been so busy, and the town is swamped with people… (her voice trails off)
A few moments of silence with the police giving each other “she’s lost it” looks.
MARY
(rousing) Stop laughing at me! I’m not crazy and I haven’t lost it! We have to save Santa before Peter does something to him!
LUIS
There are a lot of Santa’s in town because of the Santa run. Maybe it’s one of those Santa’s?
MARY
It’s the real Santa I’m looking for. You see Peter knows Santa. They used to work together.
The police look at each other.
SIOBHAN
How about we let our people out on the street know to keep an eye out for Peter. Well, let you know if anyone spots him.
MARY
Thanks, Siobhan.
Siobhan looks at Luis. Luis gets on the horn.
LUIS
This is Luis at the station. Everyone, keep an eye out for Peter Winters. I repeat look for Peter Winters and…(pausing) um, if he’s with someone, detain them and let us know.
SIOBHAN
There you go Mary. We will look out for Peter and let you know if we find him.
MARY
I’m worried about him. You know he isn’t always himself.
TOMMY
We know you still care for him. I mean, he’s your baby daddy.
Mary, Luis, and Siobhan all look at him surprised it came out of his mouth.
MARY
What am I doing? I’ve got to find them before it’s too late!
Mary runs out.
The three police are quiet for a minute and then they burst out laughing.
SIOBHAN
Poor Mary, she’s lost it! Besides there’s got to be a hundred Santa’s running around town.
LUIS
(pointing) There’s a Santa! There’s another Santa! Look over there, a Santa!
They all laugh.
TOMMY
Well, now I’m curious about Pete and his “condition”. I think I’ll take a drive.
Tommy grabs his keys and heads out the door. Siobhan and Luis chuckle and go back to their desks.
FADE OUT
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Anna Harper’s Suspense module
What I learned from this assignment; I really enjoyed being able to analyze the content with the templates provided. I am confident I can now create suspense throughout a scene and have a mechanism to check I have been successful.
THE BITTERSWEET OF SUMMER’S END
SITUATION Stu and his friends are getting in deeper with working alongside SIS. They are meeting with two agents to sort out the details.
KEY CHARACTERS FOR THIS SCENE
STU
Traits Hard-working likes to get his way, intelligent, old fashioned social mores.
SLU Stu is a proud man. He will not let the ship go down without a fight.
BUNNY
Traits Proud, patriot, ruthless, brave.
SLU Bunny’s reason for living is all about his patriotism. He enjoys his pub friends yet feels they are lacking something he has in spades, discipline.
AHMED
Traits Tendency to clinical depression since his wife died. Nervous, confused about how to solve his financial issues.
SLU Ahmed lives for his son. His son is the reason he still gets out of bed every morning.
AGENT DAVID
Traits Career SIS agent graduated from Oxford. Patriot, brave, intelligent, committed to the ‘firm’.
SLU David will do whatever it takes to get the job done. He does not have a life outside of his job. He does not smoke, drink, gamble etc. that would be weak. Never married.
AGENT GOLIATH
Traits Career SIS agent, weapons specialist. Has completed a number of Middle East tours, on the ground warfare. PTSD gets the best of him now and again.
SLU Army all the way. Who are we fighting today, cause I’m in. Enjoys his work. Divorced three times. Occasional pot smoker.
INT/ARMY TRUCK/AFTERNOON
NOTE 1. E F B G
INT.ARMY TRUCK/AFTERNOON
BUNNY
Don’t make a
fool of me. Keep your mouths shut unless spoken to. I
already had to disclose that the wives may have some idea
that something is going on, but they don’t know what yet.
It is way too dangerous, and unethical for me to not tell
them you may have already screwed everything up.Lucky
for all of us, they are still wanting amateurs, with no
footprint, to help out. They have already vetted all of you.
They know everything. What is in your bank account, or
should I say not in your bank account. Of course, they
know about Caleb, Stu’s marriage problems, where
Maggie is, and what she has been doing. They know about
Anthony’s mother, Ahmed’s problems, and Jonathan’s
burnout. Cleo, and the whole bloody lot of you. They know when you take a shit. So, don’t mess with
them. Got it?EXT.HOTEL/AFTERNOON
Tired and hungry, the men wake up when the truck pulls up to where the briefing is to take place, The same hotel in Cornwall used for the recent G7 conference. Security is well established and the hotel is maintained as an SIS operational unit. Soldiers with automatic weapons escort them into the building at the back of the hotel.
INT. SERVICE ELEVATOR/AFTERNOON
Everyone crams into an old service elevator which descends a couple of floors.
INT.BASEMENT HALLWAY/AFTERNOON
Overhead neon lights create an industrial, hostile and unwelcoming environment. The friends are marched along, with the soldier’s boots ringing on the floor.
NOTE 2 F, B, D
AHMED
whispers to Jonathan.
Why did we come here? I am feeling very nervous.
Bunny’s private army enters a large meeting room. There are only two men there, not wearing uniforms of any kind. Both have guns in shoulder holsters. The men appear to be very fit, middle-aged with nothing remarkable (other than the guns), about their appearance. Definitely not James Bond material. One of them invites the group to be seated.
NOTE 1. F
DAVID
For the purpose of our meeting, I am agent David, and my partner here is agent Goliath. Bunny disclosed the trouble your friend Caleb was having with the Serbian mafia. We were glad to help out with the detox. Major Bunny Holmes has earned immense respect from us. It was he who reached out for help for your friend Caleb. And now we would like your help.
NOTE 1.F. 2 A, C, E, F, G.
GOLIATH
Today we are at step 1 of an operation to find and apprehend a specific Russian agent who is here in the UK to cause harm on our soil. This is unacceptable and we will do anything and everything to run the agent to ground. You are to be a part of the operation should you decide to take it on. If not, go back to your lives as they are.
NOTE 1. A, F, G.
DAVID
We understand you all are in need of financial support
I must warn you that this is a dangerous mission. However, we are confident. You are valuable to us as you have no footprint. You are just ordinary civilians, and you have local knowledge. It will be easy for you to flow through your daily activities as cover. Therefore it is hoped they will not tumble to our operation. Seek, find and destroy the Russian operatives, and deport the Serbs. That is after we have finished with them.NOTE 1. F, F, G, 2. E.
GOLIATH
The first part of this assignment, should you decide to take it on, is to deliver the money that Caleb owes, which is now double what he borrowed, and to have Anton, who was Caleb’s contact, become interested in you. You will achieve this by being disrespectful and dismissive. We will coach you on technique. We call it The Chinese Takeaway.
NOTE 1. G. C. 2. E, F, G
DAVID
Step 1. The money owed to Anton will be returned as part of our plan to lure in Anton.
NOTE 1.C,E,G, 2. D.,E, F,G,
Step 2. You will commit a crime. We will set up everything for you. It will be a real crime in broad daylight. You will get away with it. Anton will hear about it, he will then contact you
NOTE 3. A, C, E.
This is all of the operations we can disclose, for everyone’s safety, at this point.
Ahmed, you will be the money delivery man.
NOTE 1. B, E,F,G, 2. B, D,F, G, 3. G.
AHMED
whispers to Stu
I am going to throw up.
NOTE 1. E, F, 2. E F, G. 3.A,C,E,
STU
What else are we going to do? Sell our kidneys?
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Cameron Martin’s Suspense
What I learned doing this assignment is…First, I really wanted to go with a scene near the ending, but am trying to hold off on those scenes until we reach the module discussing endings. Second, the simple three step format of “Promise – What matters – Delay” can help focus where the suspense should come from. Before this lesson, I was already a big fan of the “Bomb under the table analogy” and have tried to use it in a number of my writings. What I found worked for this is a similar strategy I’ve started using when writing scenes in general: answering questions with questions. For this assignment, I was really able to draw that out though with ending each beat with a new obstacle/problem to solve (Isaiah makes a system that’ll get him out of a jam, but then the system breaks and it can’t be repaired, or Sully covers himself with a protective chemical, but it doesn’t last as the nest he crawls through absorbs it and leaves him vulnerable). The suspense track really helped to give me the liberty to draw out the tense moments with constant setups and payoffs.
Side note, writing it this way made me look way smarter than I am. Had no idea I’d be writing a reversal of fortune for the two characters (Isaiah – getting out, Sully – getting in/trapped) that intersect, but it just kinda happened with finding the best way to increase the suspense throughout the scene and carry it to the next sequence.
Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising
(SCL – N/A as both characters are isolated from each other.)
The Promise: He’ll find the bunker.
What Matters: Getting himself and his son to safety
The Delay: A dangerous passage with a myriad of problems
Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle
(SCL – N/A as both characters are isolated from each other.)
The Promise: Isaiah will reunite himself with his dad.
What Matters: Staying safe and protecting his dad from what he doesn’t know.
The Delay: He’s locked in a closet.
Scenes used:
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Sully inches across the roof of the enclosed space colony in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. He walks over a weak point in the structure, but it manages to hold. Sully makes a mental note to avoid that spot in the future.
INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Isaiah is able to escape from his closet. He gathers rope and some tools from the tool room, and a spare ventilation suit.
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Sully crawls out of the roof hatch. The teeth shaped nebula glitters red behind him.
The only sound he hears is the loud recycled air in his tactical space suit. His eyes go wide as he witnesses…
A fungal nest beats like a heart over the roof, it’s roots digging and gripping into the sides of the complex, and BLOCKING Sully’s path to the bunker.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT
Isaiah rattles the door handle, but no matter how much pressure he places on it, the door won’t budge.
He punches the door as hard as he can, but the only damage done is to his hand, which he holds and starts to cry over.
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Sully walks slowly toward the fungal nest, spraying his suit with a spray bottle filled with bleach. He drenches his mask with it, and as much as it smells, it’s the aroma of the nest that makes him want to wretch.
A slithering is heard. Sully looks up to see a bulbous tail, filled to the brim with slime and eggs being deposited with each occasion splurt.
Sully takes as deep a breath as his will allows him, and slides his way between the walls of the nest.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT
Isaiah looks up and takes in his surroundings: wire clothes hangers, bed sheets, metal rods, of course an assortment of outfits, and some miscellaneous items, such as a lint roller, knick knacks, and scissors.
He organizes the items and assesses what’s there, asking “What would dad do?”
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Sully is completely smothered by the nest. It’s dark, and his only guide is the railing he clutches with total desperation.
A worm slides along his shoulder. It screeches and slithers off, the skin slightly smoldering from the toxic alkaline chemical Sully’s suit is covered in.
The bleach is doing its job, as Sully listens to the other worms keep their distance, hissing just a couple feet from him in the nest.
A small piece of nest falls on top of Sully. It disorients him for a moment, before he looks up and sees…
A weaving blanket of worms just above his head, waiting for a chance to get close.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT
Isaiah puts bits and pieces together: threading the clothes hanger pipe through the rolling attachment of the 3 lint rollers, tying clothes together to form a rope, tying a knot from the clothes to the wire hangers, which themselves have been wrapped around each other to form a strong hook.
Isaiah slides the hook under the door and latches it to the back wheel of the lift that’s still jammed under the door.
Isaiah tests his pulley system. He grabs tight, jumps up, and tugs hard on the clothes-rope—
The lift budges!
But the clothes rods break at the pressure…
And Isaiah falls to the floor.
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Sully picks up his pace, breaking through sections of the nest now.
The worms start to try and attack their intruder, getting closer and closer, as…
The once drenched suit is drying off from constant contact with the walls of the nest.
One worm STRIKES—
It’s serrated teeth on the sides of its head slicing across Sully’s shoulder.
The air starts to leak.
Sully grabs his shoulder…
And makes a run for it!
Hacking his way through with a hatchet.
The hissing of worms and rattling of the nest goes up like an alarm!
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT
Isaiah positions one part of the broken clothes rod parallel with the door, and shoves the other part under the door and over the parallel rod, making a lever system.
Isaiah sits on the rod, while hooking the wire clothes hangers onto a briefcase. With the other end of the clothes hanger still looped on the outer wheel of the lift…
Isaiah takes a thick book and uses the spine as a hammer…
STRIKING the briefcase as hard as he can.
With each hit, the lift budges a little more, until…
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Sully bursts through the remainder of the nest…
The worms hot on his tail…
He drops the hatchet…
Pulls out the bleach spray…
And starts to spray it all of the walkway behind him and all over himself.
The worms are slowed, but still pursue him.
He sees the vent that leads to the bunker…
Opening it up while spraying bleach erratically in the air, hitting nothing.
He drops inside…
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT
The lift under the door dislodges!
And Isaiah opens the door!
INT. VENT – NIGHT
Sully slams the vent door shut behind him.
He douses the vent gate with the last of the bleach…
As worms slither, hiss and scream all over the gate, trying to get to him.
For now, Sully is trapped, and there’s no going back.
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Alice’s Suspense
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create suspence in a scene, and how it works throughout the screenplay.
1. List your character names along with each character’s traits
and their SCL (Subtext Character Logline) above the scene.
Antagonist
Name: ANAUPSH
Traits: Concealing, Crafty, Treacherous, Evasive
Subtext: Evil
Character Logline: Anaupsh is Head of Development lab who uses her position for her personal scientific endeavor to construct animated monsters from parts of human bodies, making workers of Research Institute be her victims, as she murders them one by one.
Possible areas of subtext: Playing innocent, hiding part of the lab from common view, planning deception and capture. Hiding, retrieving, erasing, and exchanging information on her lab works.
Protagonist
Character Name: THANAKH
1. Basic character traits:
Suspicious, Respectful, Argumentative, Intelligent
talented, honest, reserved, and refined
2. Want/Need
Wants to bring this event to conclusion, if possible to justice
Needs to uncover who is behind missing cases
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)
That he, such a refined person, ended up in a pile of carnal bodies construction.
4. Secret:
He hides, how much he went wounded by it.
5. Flaw:
Idea, secret police might be behind it, weakens him.
6. Special:
He’s different
7. Subtext: Research, observation
8. Character Arc:
Part to be changed: He needs to find out, who’ve done it, and what happened?
Biggest fear: His biggest fear is what he sees in Anaupsh’s his lab
Completion of arc: His example as martyr changes social structure of the West. For separate-able humanity.
9. Character Logline:
Thanakh is a scientist, working as Head of the Lab at Research Institute who lost his girlfriend and must find out who is behind missing cases at RI to bring things to justice.
Possible areas of subtext: as he communicates here and there
2. Look through your outline and find a scene that you could use
today’s technique on. Preferably, a scene where you can go to an
extreme with the technique.
3. Create a 1-5 page scene that is full of suspense.
At the top of the scene, write down each of these components.
The Promise: Thanakh would finally uncover the mystery
What matters: Find Kiat if she is alive, and join her
The delay: He needs to wait till Anaupsh comes back at the morning
4. Write your scene using those three components of suspense.
INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – AFTERNOON
Thanakh walks deserted corridor of RI. Door nearby is open. Noise of rummaging. He glances in.
Anaupsh’s girl assistant is pulling at the bunch of documents, and paper sheets fall on her.
THANAKH
What are you doing?
Pause.
GIRL ASSISTANT
I work in here.
THANAKH
I thought, you are rummaging?
Pause.
GIRL ASSISTANT
Someone has to sort this out.
INT. INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh transverses the corridor. Suddenly, passing along the wall, he can hear nocking from behind.
He looks surprised.
INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh descends into lobby.
THANAKH
Please, tell me, did everyone left from the Development Lab?
Security Guard looks on the screen.
SECURITY GUARD
Yes, they went away.
INT. ANAUPSH’S LAB – EARLY MORNING
Thanakh lingers before the doors of Development Lab.
Anaupsh comes, searching for keys in her purse.
THANAKH
I was waiting for you.
ANAUPSH
Yes, come in.
She opens Lab’s door.
THANAKH
And what is it down there? It was knocking. I want to take a look at it.
ANAUPSH
It’s a Development. Go, look in.
Anaupsh nods. She slides automatic door open.
Thanakh enters, opening wooden door, leading to the incubator. And walks in.
CRISIS:
Thanakh enters, and can see huge animated construction in the middle of dark room, composed from parts of human bodies. His eyes follow its form, recognizing here and there side of a thigh, or a part of clavicle, belonged previously to this or that human.
Sound of damaging low noise, as his look slides around it.
A couple of seconds pass, as he realizes in his mentality what it is.
Thanakh drops on the floor, unconscious.
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June Fortunato’s day 3 of Boldness “Suspense” for Retirement What I learned: I configured delays into my planned scene sequence.
Marilyn Self effacing and insecure. Admires others. Goes back on decisions- Super worrier. Charming/polite, Tender hearted. Veneer of self-assuredness. Logline: When Marilyn is duped by Kim, and as a result, breaks a hip, she needs someone to pet sit and watch her house. Suzy suggests Roy and Marilyn will be damn sure to grill him in a super polite way to ensure all will be well.
Tara The other nurse. She’s kind, a bit weary – easily stressed- a lot of stress at home Forthright fast comeback- not reluctant to speak Logline: Tara is full of advice, and smart advice- for everyone but she has a hard time seeing herself. She just keeps moving on- moving forward- If she can do that everyday, that’s gold.
Suzy Traits: Self less, deep empathy, afraid to stop going, longs to believe in the good, matchmaker Logline: When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
Roy Traits: Explosive side, charming, seductive, guilt, rescuer impulse, wit, rejection of authority. Logline: Horrified Roy might have to take benefits from a government he loathes when his body is ruined but he falls in love with Kim and has to talk her into how good it could be.
The scenes pick up where we left off yesterday: Marilyn had emergency surgery-and was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital. Her dogs are left alone/in the care of an irresponsible kid- It’s Suzy’s day off but she stops by because Roy had his court hearing. He has a 6 week timeline to get permanent residency or else lose his financial benefits. His kidney is still ruined from the pummeling in the prison.
The Promise: Suzy promises Marilyn that she’ll go to Marilyn’s house to take care of the dogs. What Matters: The dogs are Marilyn’s life. The delay: Suzy also has to placate Roy and feels that his situation is all her fault.
The Promise: Suzy promises that she’ll help Roy get himself a permanent situation. What matters: His life and Suzy’s freedom. The delay: Now Roy has to have surgery and his window of time to find a permanent place is 10 days shorter. Suzy can’t stay to comfort Roy because she’s promised Marilyn she’ll help her.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM
Suzy enters Marilyn’s room. Marilyn is half out of the bed again.
SUZY
Oh!
Suzy rushes to Marilyn and catches her.
MARILYN
Nuts.
SUZY
You’re still weak. You just had anesthesia.
Suzy gets Marilyn arranged in bed again.
SUZY
It’s too dangerous to get up yet.
MARILYN
My boys need help.
Suzy looks at Marilyn’s chart. Marilyn looks at Suzy’s dress, puzzled.
MARILYN
Are you a pet sitter?
SUZY
I’m Suzy Welsh. Head nurse on the floor. It’s my day off. Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone I’m working.
Nurse Tara told me your pets are in … a situation?
MARILYN
Will you check on them?
SUZY
Whoa.
MARILYN
Please. I can’t get ahold of my neighbor. We’re not good friends- but she promised to watch
them last night. She has no idea I’m not home. My dogs must be frantic.
SUZY
Do you want me to call her?
MARILYN
I couldn’t reach her.
SUZY
Let me try.
MARILYN
Oh. I don’t know where my phone is…
She waves her arm, searching. Suzy finds Marilyn’s phone and hands it to Marilyn. But, in her
state, Marilyn can’t figure out how to unlock it.
SUZY
That’s OK. What’s her name?
MARILYN
Jeannie. Hayne. We live on Delancey Street a few blocks from the hospital. It’s very close by.
Suzy searches the web on her own cell phone. No luck. Tara pops her head in.
TARA
Roy’s room? Doc’s in there.
Suzie nods.
MARILYN
I think maybe it’s unlisted? I can’t…
Marilyn awkwardly tries to get her phone to work. She becomes more and more scattered.
MARILYN
Oh. Oh dear. Oh. I can’t…
Finally, Marilyn gets the phone to recognize her thumbprint.
MARILYN
There.
Marilyn has to lay back, dizzy. Suzy takes her phone and puts it on speaker. It rings. No answer.
SUZY
Maybe they’re at your house? Do you have a landline?
MARILYN
Yes. Yes. My number is
Marilyn is feeling the effects of surgery and anesthesia and can’t bring it to mind.
MARILYN
Home. It’s in my phone as ‘home’
Suzy finds it and rings Marilyn’s home. The receiver lifts, there are giggles, teenaged curse
words, more laughs, and then the phone goes dead. Marilyn panics.
MARILYN
That child is not trustworthy.
Tara pops her head in again.
TARA
Doctor is leaving.
MARILYN
Please, Nurse, will you go to my house? Will you go and take care of my babies? I’ll pay you?
Marilyn moves to stand once again.
TARA
Don’t!
SUZY
Stay down! OK OK, I’ll go. Stay put or you’ll never get better.
Tara looks at Suzy apologetically.
SUZY
I’ll be right back.
Suzy leaves with Tara.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
TARA
I am SOOOOO sorry. I ruined your day off. I owe you.
SUZY
What’s up with Roy?
TARA
Surgery. Catheter Embolization.
SUZY
Uh oh.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S – CONTINUOUS
The doctor is no longer there.
ROY
Looks like I’m up for another tour of duty.
SUZY
Hi Roy.
ROY
Doc says he wants to employ operation “burn the urine.”
TARA
Yeah, but, Roy! You could have 10 more days of hot turkey and free room service.
SUZY
Roy’s on a timeline.
ROY
So far, my plan to stay in the hospital is Super Duper “WINNER.”
TARA
Gotta go.
Tara bolts. Suzy’s at the door. Pause.
SUZY
I’ve got to go too, Roy.
ROY
Big date with Fancy Pants?
SUZY
No. No.
She can’t tell him why she dated Denny- Why encourage that again?
SUZY
Not necessarily 10 days, Roy. Some people leave the same day as the procedure. But you need a
place to heal.
ROY
Sit with me?
He pats the side of the bed. Suzy sits and rubs his forehead.
SUZY
I might have an idea.
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Dev Ross – Suspense
What I learned is that by turning up the tension and suspense of what’s going to happen, it sucks the reader into the moment and leaves them wanting to find out what happens.
THE PROMISE: Clay vows to kill Lincoln
WHAT MATTERS: that Lincoln stay alive
THE DELAY: the ‘shimmers’
EXT. ROAD – DAY
Lincoln drives toward home when a RIPPLING SHIMMER moves over his car just as he reaches a stoplight. A beat, a car – exactly like his – pulls to a stop next to him. Lincoln notices the other car, smiles, rolls down his passenger window, leans toward it.
LINCOLN
Hey, nice car!
Clay turns his face out of the shadows towards him. Clay’s shock at seeing Lincoln quick turns to urgency as he tries to put his driver’s window down. It only lowers a short way before getting stuck. Furious, he tries again then angrily bangs at the window.
Lincoln chuckles, indicates his window, calls out–
LINCOLN
I had the same problem! Pounding doesn’t help!
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
TEXT BUZZ. Lincoln’s attention pulls from Clay to his cellphone resting on the passenger seat. It’s his wife. He’s about to check it out when he hears muffled cursing and hard thuds. He looks up–
Clay repeatedly rams the butt of his shotgun against his window. CRACK! It gives away and Clay thrusts his shotgun through.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
LINCOLN
What the– Fuck!
The light’s still red.
Jolted with adrenaline, Lincoln guns his car through the cross-traffic ahead. His rearview mirror shows Clay narrowly avoiding a car as he speeds after him.
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Their cars dart in and out of traffic when Lincoln takes a sharp turn onto…
EXT. RURAL ROAD – CONTINOUS
…a two-lane road that stretches into rural countryside. Lincoln checks his mirror to see Clay making the turn as well and rapidly heading toward him.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
WHAM! His back bumper is hit.
LINCOLN
Fucking red neck!
He’s hit again. Lincoln floors it, gains some distance on Clay. A shotgun blast rings out. He checks the rearview mirror to see Clay steering with his right hand while leaning his body out of the window, shotgun in his left hand.
LINCOLN
Shit! Shit! Shit!
More shots are fired. Lincoln violently swerves his car–
EXT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
–back and forth across the lanes with Clay hot on his tail.
Lincoln’s car takes a pothole, no doubt damaging the car’s underside.
INT. CLAY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Clay, using his one hand, avoids the pothole but over-compensates, pitching his car to the roadside where he stalls out in a ditch.
CLAY
Shit! Shit! Shit!
He tries to restart his car…
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln, freaked but relieved, speeds ahead when he passes a BILLBOARD that depicts a white dove flying out of the fire of a burning cross. A smiling white family poses next to the cross.
LINCOLN
What the fuck?
Then – in his rearview mirror – here comes Clay just as a–
–RIPPLING SHIMMER OVERTAKES covers Lincoln’s car.
He comes out the other side to see his familiar neighborhood ahead.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln checks his mirror. No car anywhere.
EXT. LINCOLN’S CAR – ROADSIDE
He slows, pulls a U-turn and heads back a short distance. He stops, gets out and looks down the road. No car and not a billboard in sight.
Lincoln’s stunned. Then, the insistent sound of his cellphone buzzing returns him to his senses. He returns to his car to find a text from his wife: Come to hospital STAT!
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PS81 – Dana’s Suspense
What I learned from this assignment:
I didn’t know the structure of a suspense scene until this lesson. It helped me build suspense beginning, middle to the end using multiple selections from the worksheet. 1) A Threat, An Impending Crisis, 2) Someone They Love, Deepest Fears, 3) A Period of Time, Distraction.
The Promise: Ellen needs to confirm her family’s safety
What matters: Her husband; her children
The Delay: She in the middle of her radio show
Character Name: Ellen Landry
Traits: sympathetic, hopeful, ambitious, anxious/insecure
Subtext: withholding, manipulative
Character Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.
Possible Areas of Subtext: Ellen is forced to reveal secrets about her past family life to save her family.
SCENE:
This scene takes place after Dr. Ellen receives the phone call from Jason threatening her family.
INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY
Dead air! Claire quickly signals Ellen.
ELLEN
(into microphone)
Umm… Let’s go to a break. We’ll be right back after these messages. This is the Dr. Ellen show, KCSF, AM 1360, San Francisco.
The On-Air light goes off.
Ellen removes her headset. Her concern is growing.
Pete enters and opens the door into the studio, dumfounded.
PETE
What the hell just happened?
CLAIRE
Some boob threatened her family, that’s what happened.
PETE
Are you okay?
ELLEN
I don’t know.
Silence. Everyone watches Ellen. She hesitates for a moment, deciding, then grabs her cell phone off the desk and begins to dial.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
I need to call my husband.
Pete and Claire wait, exchanging glances.
Ellen listens to her husband’s phone RING.
MESSAGE
(on phone)
Roger Landry is not available. At the tone, please leave a message. At the end of your message, you may hang up or press one for more options.
BEEP.
ELLEN
Roger. This is me. You need to call me right away. I’m okay, but and I need to confirm you and the girls are all right. Please. Call me.
She hands up and immediately texts him a message.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
I need to call the school. Do I have time.
CLAIRE
Take all the time you need.
She dials the school. We HEAR the tone RING.
WOMAN
(on phone)
Berkeley Day Academy. This is Wendy.
ELLEN
Wendy, this is Ellen Landry.
WOMAN
(on phone)
Oh, hello, Mrs. Landry. What can I do for you?
ELLEN
Wendy. My husband’s car wouldn’t start this morning, and he was going to drop our daughters off late. I’m just checking if they made it to class.
WENDY
Let me transfer you to Mrs. Dutton. She’s our attendance director. Hold on.
Ellen is put on hold.
Pete and Claire are growing more concerned.
Mrs. Dutton comes on the line.
MRS. DUTTON
(on phone)
Hello? Mrs. Landry?
ELLEN
Yes?
MRS. DUTTON
Wendy told me you’re checking on your daughters. My records don’t show Samantha or Mackenzie in attendance today. You said your husband was running late this morning?
ELLEN
Yes. He was going to drop them off on his way to work.
MRS. DUTTON
(comforting)
I see. Okay. Well, they may have run straight to class without checking in at the front office. That happens sometimes. Let me do this. I’ll send one of our staff members to do a physical check to see if they have in fact arrived.
ELLEN
Thank you, I appreciate that.
MRS. DUTTON
Is the number we have on file a good number to contact you?
ELLEN
Can’t I stay on the line?
MRS. DUTTON
This may take a few minutes. The school is conducting a bimonthly fire safety drill. As soon as the children are back to class, I’ll send someone to check. Okay?
ELLEN
Let me know as soon as you know.
MRS. DUTTON
I will. I promise. And I’m sure they’re fine.
Ellen hangs up and sets he phone down. Her breathing is soft and labored.
PETE
Ellen?
ELLEN
They haven’t arrived yet. The school is going to check to make sure and call me back.
PETE
Do you want to ask Hal Owens to fill in for you?
ELLEN
No, no. That’s okay. I’m okay.
PETE
You sure?
ELLEN
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’ll go nuts just waiting.
(deep breath)
I need the distraction. I’m fine.
PETE
Okay. I gotta call the police —
ELLEN
What?
PETE
It’s station policy. We notify the authorities of every crank call we receive.
CLAIRE
Bob Biggs and the sports guys get calls like this all the time and nothing every happens.
PETE
So don’t worry. It’s just a precaution.
(beat)
Are you sure you’re okay?
Ellen tries to smile.
ELLEN
Yes.
INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS
Pete closes the on-air studio door.
PETE
Call me the minutes she hears anything.
Claire nodes.
CLAIRE
(to Ellen)
Fifteen seconds, noney.
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS
Ellen nods and puts on her headset. Her eyes are focused on her phone. We HEAR BUMPER MUSIC slowly fade.
ELLEN
And welcome back to the Dr. Ellen Show. Let’s go to the phones.
WOMAN
(on radio)
Hello, Dr. Ellen. A appreciate your taking my call…
Ellen’s eyes are focused on her —
CELL PHONE – sitting silent.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
(on radio)
I am just at my wits end, and I don’t know what to do.
CUT TO:
-
KATES SUSPENSE
What I learned doing this is that a small thing can create suspense. I was terrified of writing this scene from the very first outline – as it is so far it of my world of experience -but this gave me a path to follow and helped unglue myself a bit..
Characters: (and SCL)
DARROGH -Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Vengeful, Lonely, Suspicious)
takes advantage of everyone, thinks his daughter will treat/cheat him as he ‘thinks’ her mother did, uses money as protection against intimacy, believes that being rich makes him safe, tries to buy people’s loyalty/friendship, wants to punish Luciana
MIN: Traits: businesslike, smart, confident, good game player, likes to win, a little cold, contained
Agrees to help with the land con because Darrogh is the type she has battled al her life in the Biz field and she believes in their goal. Plus she wants to connect with her son. (Shaunn)
The PROMISE: Darrogh to sign the ‘fake’ land buy deal
WHAT MATTERS: to save the land/community from the landfill
THE DELAYS – this is the 3rd meeting
Min wants tea
D feels something is off
wants to know more about Min and her relationship with the first 2 businessmen
sends the boys out of the room to talk with just Min
tries to reach Nia by phone – she doesn’t answer
can’t find his pen
wants an addendum to name it after him
SET UP: the 3rd and last meeting to get Darrogh to sign the buying agreement (the sting/con). Min, Shaunn (aka Mr Black/Steve) and Michael( aka Thomas) have planned this meeting. It is the last chance to get the signature. The bulldozers are in the field.
INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE – HIS OFFICE. AFTERNOON
Darrogh opening the front door to Michael and Shaunn (the ‘businessmen’) and Min. This is their 3rd visit, her first.
DARROGH
Welcome, Gentlemen. Oh, and Ma’am.
SHAUNN
Yes Mr McGrath, this is Mrs. Min Chang. One of our Business associates.
MIN
Mr McGrath. I apologize for the surprise. It was a last minute decision to come in person.
DARROGH
Oh, not at all. Please come in.
He leads them down a corridor to his office.
DARROGH
I don’t have a housekeeper. I prefer to take care of things myself.
He ushers them into the office. Very well appointed, with a small bar and sink, coffee urn, plate of covered scones. 4 large leather chairs are at a round dark wood table.
DARROGH
I do have an excellent cook, however. These scones were made this morning. There is coffee? Or would you like something stronger?
MIN
(Taking a seat)
I will have tea thank you. You have hot water? I have my own tea here.
She takes small tin out of her bag.
DARROGH
Yes. Over at the bar. Mr Black, could you bring over a pot of hot water? Everything you need is over there.
He waves Shaunn over to the bar as the other 2 sit, he with them almost opposite where Min sat, with Michael between them and chair for Shaunn remaining opposite him. Michael takes out some papers from his briefcase and puts them in the table.
DARROGH
Mrs – Chang? As I understand it ,this is a young company and you I think have a lot of – experience.
MIN
(smiling)
More than these two, yes. I am generally a silent partner in our business but this is so… important. That I felt it was best for me to come and meet you in person. We have to be sure just what we are agreeing to, wouldn’t you say?
Shaunn arrives with the hot water and sits, passing it to Min. He sits between Darrogh and Min opposite Michael.
DARROGH
Yes, yes.
He looks at Shaunn.
DARROGH
Is there a family connection here?
MIN
My nephew. My sister married an American.
DARROGH
(gesturing to Michael)
And?
MICHAEL
Business school together.
DARROGH
Ah, that’s right and you founded this company together.
MIN
With me. As I said, I usually stay out of the business dealings directly. I now prefer to manage the flow after the initial agreements are made.
SHAUNN
Given how this has become more complicated with the extra holdings and so on, we felt it best to include Mrs Chang in this meeting.
MICHAEL
One experienced businessman to another.
DARROGH
Mrs Chang. I feel like we have met somewhere else.
MIN
Perhaps at the online Associated Independent Businesses conference last year?
DARROGH
Of course. That would be it.
MIN
It is a very interesting vision you have for the – land use.
DARROGH
Landfill. Let’s call it what it is.
MIN
Of course, but as a marketing strategy – and that would be my job – perhaps something ‘softer’ works better?
Darrogh regards her with some admiration.
DARROGH
You don’t mince words do you?
MIN
Mr McGrath –
DARROGH
Darrogh, please.
MIN
Darrogh. We are both busy people. We know what we want. You want a legacy, we know how to make that happen. We have worked through the legalities of it, the transfer of land titles and the structure of the company with regard to your investment. All that is left is to complete the deal.
DARROGH
Something isn’t right. I don’t know what but somehow..
SHAUNN
We can go over the paperwork again.
DARROGH
No, I understand it.
He stands and walks to the window, his back to them. They all look at each other. Min signals for the boys to be quiet.
After a moment Darrogh turns.
DARROGH
I want to talk to Nia.
Shaunn is startled.
SHAUNN
Nia?!
Michael jumps in.
MICHAEL
Your daughter?
DARROGH
Yes.
MIN
Ah! The legacy – for her. I understand.
DARROGH
She isn’t talking to me at the moment.
MIN
That must be hard. I don’t have children. I don’t think I would have been a – good mother.
DARROGH
It’s not easy being a parent.
MIN
I can imagine.
Another pause.
DARROGH
Gentlemen, give us a minute please. I want to talk with Mrs Chang alone.
There is a moment of confusion.
MIN
Absolutely.
To the boys.
MIN
I’ll text you.
SHAUNN
Of course.
The boys leave. After they have gone Darrogh turns to Min.
DARROGH
I don’t understand why you are involved with these two. Clearly, they don’t really know what they’re are doing, but you? You’re different.
MIN
I believe in helping the next generation. I can offer them my experience and skills. Don’t worry I keep a very close eye on all they do.
DARROGH
It’s a lot of money.
MIN
Yes, I know. I am putting up half.
DARROGH
Ah! You are the other investor. I supply the land, you make and manage the landfill.
MIN
Yes.
DARROGH
I’m going to try Nia.
Min stands to leave.
DARROGH
No, stay. This won’t take long.
Darrogh takes out his cell and tries Nia.
Min sips her tea.
No answer.
CUT TO:
SHAUNN AND MICHAEL OUT IN THE HALL
SHAUNN
What is he doing?
MICHAEL
No idea. It’s up to your Mother now.
SHAUNN
She’s good at what she does.
MICHAEL
She better be. He’s a sneaky old bastard.
SHAUNN
So’s she.
CUT BACK TO:
MIN AND DARROGH
DARROGH
She’s not answering.
MIN
Are you wanting her approval?
DARROGH
She won’t approve I know that. I just wanted…
MIN
Mr McGrath – Darrogh. I don’t understand the familial bond. I do understand business. If you want to do this deal, do it. If it makes sense to you, then..? Work it out with her afterwards.
Darrogh suddenly drops his veneer.
DARROGH
I hate this town and the people in it. That Mayor? I want her destroyed. And if I make a stack of money in the process? Then so much the better! And my name on a landfill right on her old land? Where she has to see it every day?! Perfect.
MIN
I don’t care what your reasons are, Darrogh.
She puts her tea cup down and meets his eye.
MIN
I just want to get this done – or not. I can find another partner if I need to. And I have to get back this afternoon.
Darrogh makes his decision.
DARROGH
Call the boys. Let’s sign it.
He crosses to the bar and pours a drink for himself.
Min texts Shaunn.
DARROGH
Would you like a celebratory drink?
MIN
Scotch – after we all sign.
The boys enter the room.
DARROGH
Ah, there you are. We’re ready.
Min nods at them
Michael gets out the documents.
Darrogh, at the bar, to the boys.
DARROGH
Scotch?
SHAUNN
Er! Yes. Thank you.
DARROGH
(to Michael)
Thomas?
MICHAEL
Sounds good. To celebrate!
Darrogh comes back with a tray of drinks, places it on the table. Michael slides the documents over to him with a pen.
DARROGH
I have my own pen.
He crosses to his desk, as they all exchange glances again.
DARROGH
Hmm. Not here.
SHAUNN
You can use ours.
DARROGH
(coming back to the table.)
Yes.
He sits and picks up the pen.
DARROGH
Same as the last..?
MICHAEL
Yes sir. No changes.
Darrogh suddenly puts the pen down.
DARROGH
I want an addendum.
MICHAEL
A -?
DARROGH
Yes. Clearly stating that the landfill will be named after me and I will design the entrance gates to it. To my specifications.
MIN
I have no problem with that. Thomas? Steve?
Michael and Shaunn both agree.
MIN
I’m a ‘behind the scenes’ person. I think, Darrogh, you will find me very easy to work with. The perfect business partner. You can sit back and watch it unfold.
DARROGH
Thomas, just write up a short hand-written addendum. We can all witness it.
INT.DARROGH’S HOUSE – HIS OFFICE. 10 MINUTES LATER
The last paper is signed, in 2 files on the table.
Darrogh is passing out the drinks.
DARROGH
To the worlds’ biggest landfill and the settling of an old score!
They all raise their glasses, only Darrogh knowing what the last one means.
They toast and drink. Then Min raises her glass.
MIN
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
They repeat her phrase and drink.
END SCENE
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Kate Hawkes.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Day 3 Writing with Boldness (Anita Gomez) Suspense
What I learned in this assignment: I found it really useful to break this thought into it’s 3 parts: “The promise, why it matters, and the delay”.
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
The Promise: An impending crisis (Danica will die from renal failure without a kidney transplant)
What matters: Something valuable at stake (Her life: Danica must find an appropriate kidney donor, ASAP)
The delay: Barriers and Complications (No other living relatives except her abandoned daughter, who must now be found)
INT. DOCTOR’S EXAM ROOM – DAY
Danica is seated on the edge of an exam table. Her doctor walks in with an iPad / chart in his hands. He looks concerned.
DOCTOR
Dani. I heard about your sister Rebecca. I’m sorry for your loss.
(beat)
Perhaps her passing will help you understand your own dire health situation.
Dani sits looking at her toes.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
We’ve talked before about your chronic kidney disease. And unfortunately your blood markers tell us your CKD has progressed.
He glances down at the lab results.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Your estimated glomerular filtration rate, or eGFR is way off, as well as your creatinine levels. And your electrolytes are imbalanced with abnormal levels of phosphorus, calcium, and vitamin D.
Dani finally looks up.
DANICA
What does that mean, in English?
DOCTOR
It means that a great deal of kidney damage has occurred. And your high blood pressure isn’t as controlled as we’d like, even with the prescription you’ve been taking.
DANICA
So what are we talking about? More meds? Dialysis?
DOCTOR
Unfortunately for patients with end-stage renal failure dialysis isn’t an effective long-term solution.
(beat)
Dani, you only have one kidney to begin with. You’re going to need a transplant.
Dani just stares at him like she doesn’t understand. As the Doctor goes on to explain statistics, all she really hears is a buzzing white noise –
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
The good news is that last year nearly 25,000 successful kidney transplants took place. The bad news? Over 3,000 new patients are added to the kidney waiting list every month. And approximately 22 people die each day while waiting for a transplant. Sadly, that’s 8,000 people who die each year because the organs they need are not donated in time.
Danica begins to tune in to what he is saying –
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Dani, I don’t want you to be one of those statistics. Do you have any close relatives we can approach?
DANICA
You mean as a donor? No. No there isn’t anyone –
Danica glazes over.
DOCTOR
Well, it doesn’t have to be an immediate family member, although blood type, gender matching, proximity to the donor all enhance the chances of a successful match.
DANICA
There might be someone… someone from my past –
DOCTOR
That’s good. I encourage you to contact them. The important thing is we get aggressive about finding you a match, rather than just waiting on a list.
The Doctor sees that Dani is overwhelmed.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
So today, I’ll add you to UNOS, who manages the list across the <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>US</st1:place></st1:country-region> of people waiting for a transplant. And I’ll have my nurse make you a follow-up appointment.
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Day 3 – Suspense – Assignment
Mike O – Suspense
What I learned is the suspense doesn’t have to be physical action, danger or threat of violence. Suspense allows you to increase the expectation level in the reader/audience. It also allows for some spontaneous creativity in extending the suspense.
1. List your character names along with each character’s traits and their SCL (Subtext Character Logline) above the scene.
2. Look through your outline and find a scene that you could use today’s technique on. Preferably, a scene where you can go to an extreme with the technique.
3. Create a 1-5 page scene that is full of suspense. At the top of the scene, write down each of these components.
The Promise:
What matters:
The delay:4. Write your scene using those three components of suspense.
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The Promise: Brooklyn wants to know her father, no matter what it reveals.
What matters: The truth about her father and whether he loved her or not.
The delay: electricity goes out, has to light kerosene lanterns, her cell phone is about to die…=========================
08. INT. CABIN – CONTINUOUS
Brooklyn tosses a log on the fire as the glow of the day’s merriment fades.
She glances at the staircase. To herself:
BROOKLYN “You already know. Let it go.”
Brooklyn takes a step. Stops. A cleansing breath. Starts for the stairs, her stride one of determination.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Shoe box sits on the bed where she left it. Dread fills in the silence. Brooklyn stands in the doorway taking in the room, the furniture, the French door keeping out the snow.
BROOKLYN “I need to know. Daddy, I want the truth.”
Spoken out loud, it isn’t motivating. She all but runs to the bed.
As Brooklyn reaches for the shoe box, the electricity GOES OUT.
BROOKLYN “Is that you, mother?”
Startled, she retrieves her phone from a hip pocket and turns ON the phone’s flashlight application.
BROOKLYN (grabs shoebox) “You can’t hide the truth from me anymore.”
We TRACK over Brooklyn’s shoulder — FOLLOW beam of light from her phone — out the room, across the hallway, down the stairs — toward the kitchen.
CLOSE ON PHONE battery life reads: “critically low.”
BROOKLYN (shakes phone) “Don’t you dare.”
INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
Under the sink, Brooklyn finds three kerosene lanterns and a years’ old box of wooden matches.
BROOKLYN (to herself) “You can do this.”
HOLD ON WOODEN MATCH, its bright flicker of FLAME a promise in the dark.
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Warmth from the fireplace steadies Brooklyn whose emotions swing from sadness, to anger, back to regret. Left with a deep sense of loss, she pours more wine.
HALO OF LIGHT from the kerosene lantern on the end table reveals a pile of opened envelopes. Several dozen letters lie on the coffee table.
Cathartic. Painful. Brooklyn reads every letter, every Christmas greeting and birthday card she never received. The un-cashed bank checks she sets to one side.
BROOKLYN (teary eyed) “I’m here, daddy. I’m so sorry.”
In a plain white envelope, Brooklyn discovers an old snapshot taken prior to the divorce. They are posing in front of a fake Christmas tree.
It takes her back to the fourth grade: to a two, bedroom apartment. And as the echo of her parents arguing over money and bills surfaces…
CAMERA ZOOMS IN on Brooklyn’s mother: pretty lady in a headstrong, alpha female way, we PUSH INTO the dilated pupils.
INT. BEDROOM – FEW YEARS LATER
Brooklyn, at a vanity brushing her long hair. A tweener, she is all elbows and knees.
Her mother stands behind her: dressed elegantly, hair up, jewelry and cleavage in evidence.
ANGLE ON: THE BEDROOM – elegant, clearly not an apartment. Four poster bed with canopy, matching vanity. French doors leading out, onto a terrace. Corner archway revealing a large sunken tub and the bathroom.
BROOKLYN (fusses) “What’s wrong with wanting to be an artist? My art teacher says…
BETHANY (interrupts) “They are a dime a dozen. Ninety-eight percent of them wind up starving to death. No daughter of mine is going to throw her life away chasing after nonsense. Dreams and pretty pictures do not pay the bills.”
The condemnation underscores the moment and ends the conversation. Brooklyn sets the brush down with emphasis.
BETHANY “Come, the photographer is waiting downstairs. Frank couldn’t get away from the banker’s conference. So, it’ll just be the two of us.”
Off Brooklyn’s SIGH and Thank-God expression…
BACK TO PRESENT
Coming out of it, Brooklyn goes to the fireplace, stack of bank checks in hand. She tosses them in, not sure what she’s feeling. As the slips of paper curl and turn to cinder.
She begins pacing, her eyes taking in the stone chimney. And as she begins counting:
grouping the vertical stones into clusters of sevens and the horizontal rocks into rows of nines.
The power returns, cabin lights FLICKER — then flood the room, the luminescence a sign.
BROOKLYN (out loud) “You were right, Carolyn. Love finds a way.”
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