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Day 3 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments.
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17 Replies
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Subject: David’s Story Beats.
“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?” It’s hard to isolate. Trying to focus on the story, I found myself changing things within scenes, like dialogue and action. When looking at a whole storyline, isolating a story point is like pulling a brick from the middle of a pile.
Give us your logline.
The title of my script:
Treasures of the Santa Elena.
The logline is:
A bullied, eighteen-year-old, must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be murdered by a Cult of religious psychopaths.It’s a family, action film with a realistic story about young adults rising to a challenge. It’s like “Treasure Island” meets the “Karate Kid”.
List the current beats of your script. Number them as I did above.
OUTLINE
Opening: pg. 1. Usually, it last 1 to 4 pages and should be as interesting as possible.
1. INT. FORT ROOM 1798 – DAY
The Inquisition is shown to be malicious, greedy, and intolerant by their mistreatment of the Aztec Indians …
2. INT. GOLD ROOM – CONTINUOUS
… and the fear of the Spanish captain of the treasure ship, the Sant Elena. The Spanish captain is showing off his new sword with a golden hilt.
3. INT. GOLD ROOM 1798 – EVENING
No one is in the room. The equipment is unused. Trash is scattered around. The Santa Elena is gone. A storm is coming.
4. EXT. BEACH, GULF COAST – DAY
The storm is over. Waves still high, rain, seaweed, flotsam, corpses washing about in the surf. Lifeboats are drawn up on the sand. Survivors gather around a fire. They describe the death of the Spanish captain when he tried to cut a trapped Inquisitor free from fallen rigging.
5. EXT. A GULF OIL RIG, THE PRESENT – DAY
A burning oil rig. Two trawlers wait near the rig. One boards riggers. Both boats pull away. One last rigger appears. The empty boat turns back. The rig explodes in flames. This is a news tape.
6. INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY
PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. He is cynical. Framed newspaper articles about “Hero Sea Captain” are on the wall. Paul’s mother, Janet, tells him they are not getting compensation from the oil company.
7. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY
Paul boards captain JACK’s, 70, trawler, moored at a dock. Paul is deathly afraid of Jack’s pet Tarantula. Jack criticizes Paul’s fear and studiousness. Paul says it is stupid to risk your life.
8. EXT. PAUL’S SCHOOL – DAY
Paul sees Sandy, 17, an elegant Black new student and falls madly in love with her. They have a lot in common and are immediately attracted to each other.
9. EXT. A STREET – DAY
Paul and Sandy are walking when SANTOS DOUCET, 18, Paul’s bullying Nemesis for years, humiliates him.
Inciting Incident: pg. 12. The Inciting Incident is the event in the first 10 pages that sets the movie in motion.
10. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY
LENNY FELDER, 37, a marine engineer is with Jack. They tell Paul a Cult of religious fanatics, descended from the Spanish Inquisition, is out to kill the family to get the map of the location of the Santa Elaena.
By page 10, you know what the movie is about: pg. 14.
11. INT. CULT’S HOUSE BLACK CHAPEL – DAY
The new GRAND INQUISITOR, 45, tells his fanatic disciples that they can only get to Heaven by obeying him without question. They need the treasure to restore the Spanish Inquisition to power.
12. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS
Jack describes how their family got the map. They killed the Santa Elena’s navigator and stole the map before the Spanish Inquisition could. The family has not found the treasure because there is a secret to the map.
13. EXT. RUDE CABIN 1798 – NIGHT
14. INT. RUDE CABIN 1798 – CONTINUOUS
The death of the Navigator and the theft of the map in flashback.
15. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS
Paul doesn’t believe the story.
16. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY
Paul is doing research on Spanish history in Mesoamerica. His friends criticize him for not fighting Santos. They call him a coward and walk away. Paul tells Sandy there may not be anything worth fighting for.
17. INT. CULT’S HOUSE BLACK CHAPEL – NIGHT
The Grand Inquisitor gives his henchmen orders to find out if Jack is sailing. He tells Santos to get Paul to talk about the map.
First turning point at end of Act 1: pg. 22. But we need to be out of confusion and have a general understanding of the story.
18. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY AND CORRIDORS – NIGHT
Paul is studying when the lights go out. He starts down the stairs but hears strange noises and becomes frightened.
19. INT. SCHOOL FOYER – CONTINUOUS
Finally, Paul reaches the exit door and opens it. He is attacked by Santos and his gang. They want to know about the map. Paul tells them nothing.
20. EXT. SANDY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Paul staggers to Sandy’s house.
21. INT. SANDY’S HOUSE KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
Sandy treats his cuts. Paul meets Sandy’s cousin, Syd, who is studying History.
22. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY
Paul tells Lenny the beating convinced him the story of the Santa Elena is true.
23. INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY – DAY
Paul meets Syd. Syd tells Paul about the Inquisition’s role in the slave trade. Paul gets the clue that allows him to solve the riddle of the map. So, he thinks. The solution involves longitude, that at the time of the wreck was calculated differently for each country.
24. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – EVENING
Paul explains the solution to Jack and Lenny. They believe it.
25. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT
Jake and Carlos search the deckhouse. They reinforce their fear of Hell if they fail.
26. INT. MARINE STATION LAB – DAY.
JASON PEREZ, 35, a marine archeologist backs Paul’s idea.
27. INT. OUTSIDE MARINE STATION LAB – CONTINUOUS
Jack doctored the map copy so the coordinates were changed but Jack can correct for them.
28. INT. JACK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jack and Lenny think how they can leave port without the Cult following. They don’t consider Paul brave enough to help. Jack explains he was deathly afraid of spiders, and he got the Tarantula to force him to get over his fear.
29. EXT/INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT
Paul is terrified but he sabotages the Cult’s boat. He has to defeat Carlos to do it.
30. EXT. JACK’S BOAT – DAY
Jack’s boat leaves the harbor. The Cult’s boat is dead in the water.
31. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING
Lenny describes the search technique.
32. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – DAY
The sonar shows a promising tracing. Lenny surfaces from his dive, climbs aboard, and shakes his head. Paul crosses out a square on the search grid.
33. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING.
Four days later. The three lie on the deck, barely able to move. Filthy, exhausted, unshaven, and depressed. The search is a failure.
34. INT. BAR – NIGHT
Lenny and Jack blame Paul for the failure. The crew breaks up.
35. NT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY
Paul and Sandy talk. Santos challenges Paul to a fight. Paul refuses until Santos insults Sandy.
36. INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
They are hauled away by Teachers. Santos tells Paul Sandy is one of the Cult trying to get the secret to the map.
37. INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – CONTINUOUS
Sandy tells her new girlfriends, who consider Paul a loser, that she likes him.
38. INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY
Paul is accused of breaking into the school and expelled.
39. INT. MALL – DAY
Paul takes his anger out on Sandy. They break up.
Mid-Point: pg. 47. In the middle of the movie, usually, there is some kind of major change.
40. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT
Captain Jack is kidnapped by the Cult.
41. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT
Paul realizes Jack has been kidnapped.
42. INT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE DUNGEON – NIGHT
The Grand Inquisitor threatens Jack with torture if he doesn’t give up the map.
43. I/E CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT
Lenny and Paul leave whiskey for Carlos.
44. INT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE HALL OF MUMMIES – CONTINUOUS
More threats from the Grand Inquisitor.
45. INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT
Carlos is drunk. Lenny and Paul get Carlos to talk by dumping the Tarantula on Carlos’ head.
46. EXT. A BOAT ON THE BAYOU – NIGHT
Lenny and Paul approach the Cult’s dark bayou house.
47. EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Paul and Lenny capture the Grand Inquisitor and free Jack. Then they are all captured. Paul rescues them.
48. EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Paul’s crew and the Cult leave cautiously separate. Lenny burns down the Cult’s house.
49. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY
A family discussion. Jack reveals he has all the correspondence of the Inquisitor Navigator and a bejeweled cross. They are worth a fortune by themselves. The family debates whether to sell them and stop searching.
50. EXT. PAUL’S HOME ALLEY – NIGHT
Paul dreams he is stabbed by the Grand Inquisitor. He wakes up with the real solution to the secret of the map. The longitude on the map had a baseline through the Inquisition’s Chapter House.
51. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY
A family gathering. Paul says he has the secret now. Can he be trusted? Check with Jason again. Paul The family agrees to one last trip.
52. INT. MARINE STATION LAB – DAY
Jason confirms Paul’s idea. Paul’s crew asks Jason to join them.
53. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING
Jack’s boat leaves the harbor. The Cult’s boat is being repaired.
54. INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS
The Cult has hidden a tracker on Jack’s boat.
55. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – NIGHT.
The crew are beginning the search. They discuss their future after they find the treasure.
56. EXT. STORE PARKING LOT – DAY
An attempt to kidnap Sandy fails.
57. EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE STREET – DAY
Sandy sits in her car practicing introducing herself to Janet. She sees Janet leave the house with a suspicious person (the Grand Inquisitor). Sandy follows them.
58. EXT. CULT’S HOUSE STREET – CONTINUOUS
Sandy follows them to the Doucet’s house. She is hesitant to report her suspicions. She calls her girlfriends and tells them they can get unbelievable bargains in stolen goods at the house.
59. EXT. CULT’S HOUSE STREET – THIRTY-MINUTES LATER
Her girlfriends create a riot. The police come to stop it and arrest the Cultists in the house. Janet is freed. Sandy introduces herself to Janet.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: pg. 70. Usually, this is the point where the protagonist’s plan has completely failed, and it looks like there is little hope.
60. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – DAY
At sea four-days. It looks like another failure. Lenny and Jason are diving. The Cult boat approaches. The attack begins.
61. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS
Lenny and Jason scrape rakes along the bottom to find the Santa Elena’s rigging.
62. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Paul and Jack see the Cult’s trawler coming fast.
63. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
As the Cult’s boat passes over the divers Carlos throws out animal blood to attract sharks.
64. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Jack guns the engine and just avoids being rammed by the Cult’s boat.
65. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
The Cult jams radio transmission. The Grand Inquisitor comes on deck.
66. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Paul finds the ammo for their guns has been stolen. Their radio is jammed.
The Cult’s boat chases Jack’s boat. Shark fins converge on the divers.
67. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS
The divers head to the surface, but the sharks block their way, and they retreat to the bottom.
68. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Jack and Paul head to the shrimper fleet. The Cult’s boat is gaining. Paul throws out nets on floats that threaten to foul the props on the Cult’s boat. It stops.
69. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
The Cult’s boat stops and clears the net.
70. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Jack’s boat gains but they realize the divers are almost out of air and they turn back. Paul catches Carlos in their nets as they pass.
71. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Jake cuts the nets before Carlos is dragged overboard. He ties the end to a capstan and pulls the boats together.
Crisis: pg. 75. This scene is the point where the Protagonist has to decide the issue that began at the Inciting Incident in the first 10 pages of the movie.
72. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Paul frantically cuts his end of the nets free. Jack is knocked out. Paul is sideswiped. The Tarantula is freed from its cage. Paul panics and freezes, looking for the spider. He recovers and avoids another ramming by the Cult. But the boats are close enough for Carlos to jump aboard. Carlos knocks Paul down and takes control. Paul sees the spider and, overcoming his fear, throws it on Carlos. Carlos panics and jumps overboard.
73. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Jake stops to pick up his brother.
74. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Paul ignites the Cult’s boat with a flare gun.
75. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
The Cult members frantically try to put out that fire.
76. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Paul steers near the dive site. He cuts his hand and swirls it in the water to draw off the sharks from the divers. It doesn’t work.
77. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS
Jason and Lenny fight off the sharks attacking closer and closer.
78. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
A shark from underneath Paul’s boat almost bites his hand off. Paul stabs it and it bleeds enough to attract the other sharks.
79. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS
The sharks swim away and the divers surface.
80. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
The Cult’s boat is pouring smoke. The Grand Inquisitor glares at Paul. A Coast Guard helicopter comes.
81. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
The Grand Inquisitor pours a bucket of blood and guts on himself. He steps into the water. Sharks quickly gather.
82. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Paul’s crew look calmly at the Grand Inquisitor being torn apart.
83. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING
The crew is worn out. They almost miss a strong signal from the sonar. They figure it is another false alarm and want to head home. Paul sees the Tarantula, loose on the deck, and puts it back in its cage. Everyone is shamed by Paul’s lack of fear. They dive one last time.
84. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS
Lenny and Jason pull up some tarred ratlines. At their end, trapped in them, is the glittering hilt of the Spanish Captain’s sword.
85. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
Jason gives Lenny and Jack drugged whiskey. He reveals to Paul that he is one of the Cultists. Paul tricks Jason and defeats him. A wounded Jason falls overboard. Paul does not rescue him.
86. INT. MALL – DAY
Paul and Sandy make up.
Resolution: pg. 88. It tells us how this conflict will finally be resolved.
87. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY, A MONTH LATER – DAY
Pal and Sandy are the heroes of the school. Santos comes in wanting to fight. Paul knocks him down with a book. Lenny, Jack and Janet find happiness. Paul and Sandy wear gold medallions of the Santa Elena.
FADE OUT.
Starting from the end, flag the beats that need help.
Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed each of those beats.
Conclude with your new list of beats.
85. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS
A wounded Jason falls overboard. Paul does not rescue him.
Should Paul rescue him? What changes his ideals? Clarify what in another scene.
55. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – NIGHT.
The crew is beginning the search. They discuss their future after they find the treasure.
Use this scene to elaborate their character.
51. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY
A family gathering. Paul says he has the secret now. Can he be trusted? Check with Jason again. The family agrees to one last trip.
Use this scene to elaborate their character.
49. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY
A family discussion. Jack reveals he has all the correspondence of the Inquisitor Navigator and a bejeweled cross. They are worth a fortune by themselves. The family debates whether to sell them and stop searching.
Use this scene to elaborate their character.
46. EXT. A BOAT ON THE BAYOU – NIGHT
Lenny and Paul approach the Cult’s dark bayou house.
Make this scene more believable. Have Carlos tied in the bottom of the boat. Lenny threatens to throw Carlos to the alligator if he gives them false information and they survive.
47. EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Paul and Lenny capture the Grand Inquisitor and free Jack. Then they are all caught. Paul rescues them.
Add to the suspense. Make a few more frightening scenes.
39. INT. MALL – DAY
Paul takes his anger out on Sandy. They break up.
Make the argument angrier and more insulting.
37. INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – CONTINUOUS
Sandy tells her new girlfriends, who consider Paul a loser, that she likes him.
Add the characteristics that attract Sandy to Paul.
34. INT. BAR – NIGHT
Lenny and Jack blame Paul for the failure. The crew breaks up.
Make the argument angrier and more insulting.
9. EXT. A STREET-DAY
Paul and Sandy are walking when SANTOS DOUCET, 18, Paul’s bullying Nemesis for years, humiliates him.
· Sandy knows karate and beats up Santos or a Buddy. This makes Paul look even worse.
· Sandy knows Santos from a family gathering. This leads to Paul’s suspecting her later.
· Santos likes Sandy. Rescues her later and redeems himself.
7. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY
Paul boards captain JACK’s, 70, trawler, moored at a dock. Paul is deathly afraid of Jack’s pet Tarantula. Jack criticizes Paul’s fear and studiousness. Paul says it is stupid to risk your life.
Make the spider a snake.
More subtext to show Paul was not fond of his father.
As described in Assignment two, introduce Paul first and then the Cult or vice versa. Change the loss of the Santa Elena from at sea to told by survivors on a beach.
All of the changes above are at the scene level, not the story level.
Some story level changes I considered are shown below. I felt them too far out for the current story.
· Make the Cult the good guys and Paul’s family the bad guys. Paul is unaware and is duped by his uncle Jack to commit a crime. The Cult is a group from the Vatican sent to battle the Cajuns, who are descended from the Inquisition.
· Change the location to the desert and mountains. The map is to the Lost Dutchman Mine.
Change the MacGuffin from a wrecked treasure ship to a Biblical Scroll with significant implications relevant to the New Testament; or to a Lost Land; or to an amulet with miraculous powers; or to the loot from a major theft; or to a thumb drive with a Bitcoin password; etc.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by David Mailman.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by David Mailman.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by David Mailman.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by David Mailman.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by David Mailman.
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What I learned in doing this assignment is it is easily to separate out and find new ways to write a scene if when I am first writing to keep an up-to-date outline.
Judith’s Story Beats Lesson 3 – ASSIGNMENT 1
LOGLINE for REUNION: When an estranged sister arrives pretending wanting to make up, her unsuspecting sibling welcomes her with open arms only to discover her sister has evil intentions.
1-5 -Rachel kills her mother and fakes her death by putting the dead body of a homeless person in the house. She sets the house on fire.
New Scene
Change so we think it is a robber in the house and rewrite so we don’t see the face of the thief/Rachel.
Delete
6 – EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT – Rachel drives by her defunct art store. Tears roll down her cheek. DROP this scene.
Delete
7 – EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT – Rachel drives by her defunct art store. Tears roll down her cheek. DROP this scene.
26 – 27 – moved from further down – ADD NEW SCENE – INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
A detective THOMAS investigates the fire. The CORONER takes the bodies away. He finds a necklace and a tea cup on the floor of the burnt out room.
ADD NEW SCENE – EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
THOMAS talks with the busy-body neighbor who informs him she heard a car speeding away. There have been many robberies in the neighborhood lately that is why she got a security system on her front door. The detective asks to see if the speeding car was recorded on her system.
Delete
8 – 11 – EXT. /INT – BARN – DAY – Emily supervises the loading of her artwork to be shipped to the gallery for tonight’s show. We meet the Protagonist, Emily Green, 32.
New Scenes
EXT. WOODS/EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY – Emily returns from her run and the paintings for the gallery movers are not there. She is upset.
INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY – She calls to husband, Eugene, and asks where are the movers. He tells her they called and said you told them to come later. Angered, she calls them and tells them to get over there right away. She didn’t call.
INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – ENTRY – DAY – EMILY hears the mail drop in the slot. She picks it up and sees a “return to sender” letter. It upsets her. She starts to move to the closet, but changes her mind. Tears the letter in half and dumps it into the trash. Her husband sees her, smiles, and says, “it’s about time.”
11 – 18 – EXT. ADOPTION AGENCY – DAY – Emily and Eugene go to sign the final papers to adopt a little girl named Katie, 8 years old.
New Scene
11- 18 – All the same except instead of seeing that Rachel is spying on them, we don’t see the person sitting in the car’s face.
19 – 24 INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY Emily gets ready for the art show. While taking a bath, Ralphie, Emily’s dog, we see that he is hurt when he returns from the woods.
25 – INT ART GALLERY – NIGHT – Emily show is a smashing success. Ruckus at the front door. Emily goes to see what is going on. Her estranged sister, Rachel has come to the show. She wants to reunite with Emily.2
New to Scene –
25 – 27 – INT. ART GALLERY – NIGHT – – Emily show is a smashing success. Ruckus at the front door. Emily goes to see what is going on. Her estranged sister, Rachel has come to the show. She wants to reunite with Emily. ADD – She’s brought flowers and a card from their mother hoping that this Christmas they can become a family.
28-30 – INT/EXT SCHOOL – DAY – We meet Katie, the little girl Emily is adopting. We meet Lynn, Emily’s best friend. Emily teaches art courses for Lynn once a week.
31 – INT. DR. GOODMAN’S OFFICE – DAY
Emily tries to enter Goodman’s office but he has been killed.
32 – 36 – EXT/INT – WOODS/DOCTOR’S OFFICES – Emily gets sick while running with Ralphie in the woods. She learns that she is pregnant. She tells Eugene at work
37 – 40 – EXT/INT – BABY BOUTIQUE – DAY
Emily runs into Rachel outside the boutique. Tells her she is pregnant. Wants to shop with her. Move this scene after the new 37 scene at the house where Emily accepts Rachel back into her life.
NEW SCENE
37 – 40 – EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY
Rachel shows up holding one of the “return to sender letters she found on the ground when she walked up to the house. She apologizes to Emily. Tells her how much she must have hurt her and says she’d understand if she didn’t want to try reunion. Emily tells her let’s try. I miss you and mom terribly. I’ve always wanted us to be a strong family.
40 – INT. GROCERY – Emily and Rachel have fun grocery shopping to celebrate Emily being pregnant.
41 – INT. CITY MORGUE – DAY – CORONER ids dead body not Rachel. Where is Rachel he wonders. ADD – mother is poisoned in tea. Neighbor said was another child. Need to find out where she is.
42 – 46 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – Rachel and Emily in good cheer prepare for a baby coming celebration dinner. Rachel finds the certificate Emily won by using Rachel’s painting in a contest and Rachel scratches it out. She pretends all is well and leaves so Eugene and Emily can celebrate their good news.
47-50 – EXT/INT. – Art Gallery – Night – while Emily and Eugene celebrate their good news about the baby, Rachel destroys Emily’s paintings.
51 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY – Eugene discovers the scratched out certificate and becomes suspicious that Rachel is up to no good.
52 – 56 – INT. BARN STUDIO – Emily is in the studio to paint. She gets a phone call about the burnt-out gallery. Rushes to the gallery and sees the devastation. She collects pieces left over from the burning. Tries to call Eugene but can’t get him.
57- 62 – INT/EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE/BARN – DAY – Freaked out over the paintings, Emily calls clients to find out if they want money back or repainting. While trying to get control of herself, Rachel arrives and learns of the gallery fire and tells Emily she is taking her to lunch to relax.
62 – 66 – INT. RESTURANT – DAY – Rachel points out to Emily that Eugene is at the restaurant with a friendly woman. Emily freaks out thinking that is why Eugene wasn’t available. He is having an affair. We learn that Rachel hired this woman to make it look like Eugene was having an affair and brought Emily here to make her believe it.
MIDPOINT – 67 – INT. SUNNYVALE REST HOME – MOM’S ROOM – DAY – Detective Thomas learns Emily’s married name and will contact her.
68 – INT. BARN STUDIO – LATER – Emily tries to recreate the burnt paintings. Rachel supports her with some tea.
69 – 75 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – Eugene and Emily have a big fight over Rachel who Eugene suspects is up to no good. Emily doesn’t believe him and will call mom. When she calls, she learns of Mom’s and Rachel’s death in the fire. She is stunned and doesn’t know what to do. She gets a phone call from Detective Thomas wanting to talk with her. ADD some of 75-78 in this section without Rachel there.
75- 78 – EMILY’S HOUSE – Rachel appears all distraught. Emily listens to her. CUT THESE
SCENES
79 – INT. EUGENE’S LAB – DAY – Eugene’s lab has been trashed
80- INT. RESTARANT – Eugene finds a connection between Rachel and the fake investor to Eugene’s project. CUT THIS SCENE
81 – 83 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE BEDROOM – Emily believes that mom and her friend Mary were killed in the fire. Eugene kicks Rachel out of the house. Emily wants to help Rachel.
CUT THESE SCENES
84 – INT. ADOPTION AGENCY – DAY – Their adoption is on hold because they got an anonymous phone call saying Emily stole paintings and sold them as her own.
ADD – INT. – Emily goes to Rachel’s hotel to confront Rachel but she has left. The Clerk says he doesn’t know where she went, but she kept talking about a cabin she visited for vacation.
EXT. CABIN IN WOODS – DAY
Emily sees Rachel’s car parked in front of cabin 15, the one they use to stay in. She doesn’t bother knocking and bursts in. Rachel is waiting for her. They fight physically and verbally about all the things Rachel believes Emily has done to her. Rachel manages to knock Emily out and escape. The Wintertime Manager finds Emily and she goes after Rachel. (old scenes 94-96)
86 – 88 – EXT. FREEWAY – DAY – Rachel causes Eugene to have a severe accident. He is taken to the hospital.
89 – EXT. FREEWAY – DAY – a witness to the accident talks with the police.
90 – 91 – INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY – Rachel has brought a bloody rabbit foot to Katie at school when she tries to pick her up by saying Emily sent her.
92 – INT. EMILY’S CAR – DAY – she gets a phone call from Detective Thomas wanting to see her. She makes arrangements to meet him at her house the next day. She gets a second call telling her that Eugene has been hurt in an accident. She rushes to the hospital.
93 – INT. PLAYMATES HOUSE – DAY – Lynn goes to pick up Katie and head back to her home.
94 –99 INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT – Emily is with Eugene in the hospital. The doctor tells her to go home, he’ll call if things change. As Emily is leaving she realizes that she had asked Lynn to pick up Katie from the party and she heads to Lynn’s house to get Katie and take her back to her foster home.
100 – 102 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – Rachel answers the door and pretends she is Emily when Detective Thomas introduces himself.
103– INT. LYNN’S HOUSE – NIGHT – Emily gets to Lynn’s house and finds that Rachel kidnapped Katie and left Lynn dying. Emily discovers her and calls an ambulance.
104 – 108 – EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – Emily arrives home. She doesn’t see Rachel’s car. She checks the barn. Katie is not there. The only thing there are candles placed about and some paintings that Rachel has done – grotesque family portraits.
She looks in the house. Rachel and Lynn are not there. She finds her dog Ralphie tied up. She releases him and he races out the doggie door.
She races after Ralphie and finds him digging in the woods. He uncovers Detective Thomas’ body.
Rachel attacks Emily but she gets away. Rachel shoots Ralphie in the leg. He is down. Rachel tells Emily if she wants to see Katie to meet her in the barn.
109 – 110 – EXT./INT. BARN – Emily starts to go in and then changes her mind. She crawls up a ladder to the barn loft. Enters. She sees Katie. Sees the lit candles. Goes to her to untie her, but before she can, Rachel attacks.
They fight. Katie manages to escape just as the barn catches on fire. Emily manages to knock Rachel down. She crawls toward the flaming area and Emily can’t get to her. She escapes out of the barn.
Katie has called the fire department. They watch the firefighters put out the fire.
111 – EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY – Emily wheels Eugene up to the house.
112 – INT. EMILY’S JOUSE – Day – They are eating lunch. The doorbell rings. Emily answers to door. The adoption agency officer stands there with Katie, smiles, and tells Emily Katie is ready to come home.
What I learned in doing this assignment is it is easily to separate out and find new ways to write a scene if when I am first writing to keep an up-to-date outline.
ASSIGNMENT 2
LOGLINE for REUNION: When an estranged sister arrives pretending wanting to make up, her unsuspecting sibling welcomes her with open arms only to discover her sister has evil intentions.
1-5 -Rachel kills her mother and fakes her death by putting the dead body of a homeless person in the house. She sets the house on fire.
New Scene
Change so we think it is a robber in the house and rewrite so we don’t see the face of the thief/Rachel.
Delete
6 – EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT – Rachel drives by her defunct art store. Tears roll down her cheek. DROP this scene.
Delete
7 – EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT – Rachel drives by her defunct art store. Tears roll down her cheek. DROP this scene.
26 – 27 – moved from further down – ADD NEW SCENE – INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
A detective THOMAS investigates the fire. The CORONER takes the bodies away. He finds a necklace and a tea cup on the floor of the burnt out room.
ADD NEW SCENE – EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
THOMAS talks with the busy-body neighbor who informs him she heard a car speeding away. There have been many robberies in the neighborhood lately that is why she got a security system on her front door. The detective asks to see if the speeding car was recorded on her system.
Delete
8 – 11 – EXT. /INT – BARN – DAY – Emily supervises the loading of her artwork to be shipped to the gallery for tonight’s show. We meet the Protagonist, Emily Green, 32.
New Scenes
EXT. WOODS/EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY – Emily returns from her run and the paintings for the gallery movers are not there. She is upset.
INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY – She calls to husband, Eugene, and asks where are the movers. He tells her they called and said you told them to come later. Angered, she calls them and tells them to get over there right away. She didn’t call.
INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – ENTRY – DAY – EMILY hears the mail drop in the slot. She picks it up and sees a “return to sender” letter. It upsets her. She starts to move to the closet, but changes her mind. Tears the letter in half and dumps it into the trash. Her husband sees her, smiles, and says, “it’s about time.”
11 – 18 – EXT. ADOPTION AGENCY – DAY – Emily and Eugene go to sign the final papers to adopt a little girl named Katie, 8 years old.
New Scene
11- 18 – All the same except instead of seeing that Rachel is spying on them, we don’t see the person sitting in the car’s face.
19 – 24 INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY Emily gets ready for the art show. While taking a bath, Ralphie, Emily’s dog, we see that he is hurt when he returns from the woods.
25 – INT ART GALLERY – NIGHT – Emily show is a smashing success. Ruckus at the front door. Emily goes to see what is going on. Her estranged sister, Rachel has come to the show. She wants to reunite with Emily.2
New to Scene –
25 – 27 – INT. ART GALLERY – NIGHT – – Emily show is a smashing success. Ruckus at the front door. Emily goes to see what is going on. Her estranged sister, Rachel has come to the show. She wants to reunite with Emily. ADD – She’s brought flowers and a card from their mother hoping that this Christmas they can become a family.
28-30 – INT/EXT SCHOOL – DAY – We meet Katie, the little girl Emily is adopting. We meet Lynn, Emily’s best friend. Emily teaches art courses for Lynn once a week.
31 – INT. DR. GOODMAN’S OFFICE – DAY
Emily tries to enter Goodman’s office but he has been killed.
32 – 36 – EXT/INT – WOODS/DOCTOR’S OFFICES – Emily gets sick while running with Ralphie in the woods. She learns that she is pregnant. She tells Eugene at work
37 – 40 – EXT/INT – BABY BOUTIQUE – DAY
Emily runs into Rachel outside the boutique. Tells her she is pregnant. Wants to shop with her. Move this scene after the new 37 scene at the house where Emily accepts Rachel back into her life.
NEW SCENE
37 – 40 – EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY
Rachel shows up holding one of the “return to sender letters she found on the ground when she walked up to the house. She apologizes to Emily. Tells her how much she must have hurt her and says she’d understand if she didn’t want to try reunion. Emily tells her let’s try. I miss you and mom terribly. I’ve always wanted us to be a strong family.
40 – INT. GROCERY – Emily and Rachel have fun grocery shopping to celebrate Emily being pregnant.
41 – INT. CITY MORGUE – DAY – CORONER ids dead body not Rachel. Where is Rachel he wonders. ADD – mother is poisoned in tea. Neighbor said was another child. Need to find out where she is.
42 – 46 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – Rachel and Emily in good cheer prepare for a baby coming celebration dinner. Rachel finds the certificate Emily won by using Rachel’s painting in a contest and Rachel scratches it out. She pretends all is well and leaves so Eugene and Emily can celebrate their good news.
47-50 – EXT/INT. – Art Gallery – Night – while Emily and Eugene celebrate their good news about the baby, Rachel destroys Emily’s paintings.
51 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY – Eugene discovers the scratched out certificate and becomes suspicious that Rachel is up to no good.
52 – 56 – INT. BARN STUDIO – Emily is in the studio to paint. She gets a phone call about the burnt-out gallery. Rushes to the gallery and sees the devastation. She collects pieces left over from the burning. Tries to call Eugene but can’t get him.
57- 62 – INT/EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE/BARN – DAY – Freaked out over the paintings, Emily calls clients to find out if they want money back or repainting. While trying to get control of herself, Rachel arrives and learns of the gallery fire and tells Emily she is taking her to lunch to relax.
62 – 66 – INT. RESTURANT – DAY – Rachel points out to Emily that Eugene is at the restaurant with a friendly woman. Emily freaks out thinking that is why Eugene wasn’t available. He is having an affair. We learn that Rachel hired this woman to make it look like Eugene was having an affair and brought Emily here to make her believe it.
MIDPOINT – 67 – INT. SUNNYVALE REST HOME – MOM’S ROOM – DAY – Detective Thomas learns Emily’s married name and will contact her.
68 – INT. BARN STUDIO – LATER – Emily tries to recreate the burnt paintings. Rachel supports her with some tea.
69 – 75 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – Eugene and Emily have a big fight over Rachel who Eugene suspects is up to no good. Emily doesn’t believe him and will call mom. When she calls, she learns of Mom’s and Rachel’s death in the fire. She is stunned and doesn’t know what to do. She gets a phone call from Detective Thomas wanting to talk with her. ADD some of 75-78 in this section without Rachel there.
75- 78 – EMILY’S HOUSE – Rachel appears all distraught. Emily listens to her. CUT THESE
SCENES
79 – INT. EUGENE’S LAB – DAY – Eugene’s lab has been trashed
80- INT. RESTARANT – Eugene finds a connection between Rachel and the fake investor to Eugene’s project. CUT THIS SCENE
81 – 83 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE BEDROOM – Emily believes that mom and her friend Mary were killed in the fire. Eugene kicks Rachel out of the house. Emily wants to help Rachel.
CUT THESE SCENES
84 – INT. ADOPTION AGENCY – DAY – Their adoption is on hold because they got an anonymous phone call saying Emily stole paintings and sold them as her own.
ADD – INT. – Emily goes to Rachel’s hotel to confront Rachel but she has left. The Clerk says he doesn’t know where she went, but she kept talking about a cabin she visited for vacation.
EXT. CABIN IN WOODS – DAY
Emily sees Rachel’s car parked in front of cabin 15, the one they use to stay in. She doesn’t bother knocking and bursts in. Rachel is waiting for her. They fight physically and verbally about all the things Rachel believes Emily has done to her. Rachel manages to knock Emily out and escape. The Wintertime Manager finds Emily and she goes after Rachel. (old scenes 94-96)
86 – 88 – EXT. FREEWAY – DAY – Rachel causes Eugene to have a severe accident. He is taken to the hospital.
89 – EXT. FREEWAY – DAY – a witness to the accident talks with the police.
90 – 91 – INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY – Rachel has brought a bloody rabbit foot to Katie at school when she tries to pick her up by saying Emily sent her.
92 – INT. EMILY’S CAR – DAY – she gets a phone call from Detective Thomas wanting to see her. She makes arrangements to meet him at her house the next day. She gets a second call telling her that Eugene has been hurt in an accident. She rushes to the hospital.
93 – INT. PLAYMATES HOUSE – DAY – Lynn goes to pick up Katie and head back to her home.
94 –99 INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT – Emily is with Eugene in the hospital. The doctor tells her to go home, he’ll call if things change. As Emily is leaving she realizes that she had asked Lynn to pick up Katie from the party and she heads to Lynn’s house to get Katie and take her back to her foster home.
100 – 102 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – Rachel answers the door and pretends she is Emily when Detective Thomas introduces himself.
103– INT. LYNN’S HOUSE – NIGHT – Emily gets to Lynn’s house and finds that Rachel kidnapped Katie and left Lynn dying. Emily discovers her and calls an ambulance.
104 – 108 – EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – Emily arrives home. She doesn’t see Rachel’s car. She checks the barn. Katie is not there. The only thing there are candles placed about and some paintings that Rachel has done – grotesque family portraits.
She looks in the house. Rachel and Lynn are not there. She finds her dog Ralphie tied up. She releases him and he races out the doggie door.
She races after Ralphie and finds him digging in the woods. He uncovers Detective Thomas’ body.
Rachel attacks Emily but she gets away. Rachel shoots Ralphie in the leg. He is down. Rachel tells Emily if she wants to see Katie to meet her in the barn.
109 – 110 – EXT./INT. BARN – Emily starts to go in and then changes her mind. She crawls up a ladder to the barn loft. Enters. She sees Katie. Sees the lit candles. Goes to her to untie her, but before she can, Rachel attacks.
They fight. Katie manages to escape just as the barn catches on fire. Emily manages to knock Rachel down. She crawls toward the flaming area and Emily can’t get to her. She escapes out of the barn.
Katie has called the fire department. They watch the firefighters put out the fire.
111 – EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY – Emily wheels Eugene up to the house.
112 – INT. EMILY’S HOUSE – Day – They are eating lunch. The doorbell rings. Emily answers to door. The adoption agency officer stands there with Katie, smiles, and tells Emily Katie is ready to come home.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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What I learned: there is always a way to deeper clarify what you are presenting. I edited several times and found the core of each section. Separating Out really worked in helping me to distinguish what needed to be elevated.
Diana – Story Beats
Time to elevate the beats of your story.
1. Logline:
The heir to a Big Game Hunting empire falls hard for a wildlife conservationist, forcing him into a life-changing altercation with his sadistic father. His plans to convert a failing Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate are completely derailed, and he must choose between his new love, lifelong friend, and his family legacy.
2. List of current beats from my script: VERSION 05.25.22
V4 – 05.25.2022 1:25am
ELEVATIONS / CUTS are in Blue / Bold under each section that needed
CREDITS / TRIBAL MUSIC ROLL OVER:
TITLE OVER; SOUTHWESTERN KENYA AFRICA, PRESENT DAY
OPENING
EXT. THE GRASSLANDS, KENYA – MID DAY
Kai storms through the tall grass, leading his Maasai ‘brothers’ on an olamayio (hunt) in pursuit of a cheetah that’s attacked the tribes’ cattle.
EXT. MAASAI VILLAGE, KENYA, AFRICA – EVENING
Kai and the hunters celebrate the kill in tribal fashion with the Chieftain, Kamaria and villagers. The women and children at village festivities in awe of Kai. The children drag him off into a wild dance – we see a surprising side of Kai.
END CREDITS
TITLE OVER: KORIANGA LODGE, KENYA, AFRICA – PRESENT DAY
EXT. KORIANGA LODGE – MORNING
Kai returns from the village, wanders passed gaping eyes, raised eyebrows. His father Martin watches from balcony, father / son eyes meet – disgust and loathing apparent.
EXT. GRASSLANDS, OUTSIDE LODGE GROUNDS – EARLY AFTERNOON
Kai tracks a male lion across the savannah. Intercut flashback: Kai as a 10yr old, with Maasai tribe, learning to track. (Present) The proud lion waits for Kai as he emerges from the bush, they come face to face. Intercut flashback: Kai and a young lion face off. Martin / gang shoot Lion. Kai and Martin confrontation
EXT. OUTDOOR PATIO, LODGE BAR – LATE AFTERNOON
Martin adored by the crowds, Kai with Deputy Inspector General Bahari Zuberi. Kai give Bahari an envelope. Kai enjoys farewell drink with Bartender
INT. KAI’S HOME, BATHROOM SHOWER – DUSK
Kai in shower, fortitude grows to leave Africa and join his childhood best mate Adam in Australia. We see the full extent of his tribal markings and lifestyle.
INT. KAI’S HOME, PATIO BALCONY – CONTINUOUS
Kai starts transfer of funds at computer on balcony
INT. KAI’S HOME, BEDROOM, GREAT ROOM – CONTINUOUS – EVENING
Kamaria visits to say goodbye. She talks of his mother, gives him advice, and photo album. Blesses him and leaves
TITLE OVER: AMAROO WILDLIFE SANCTUARY, WESTERN AUSTRALIA
Exterior shots of grounds and expanse of Australia Outback.
PAN ZOOM TO:
EXT. WILDLIFE SANCTUARY, NURSERY – SUNRISE
Tara in the Nursery feeds a young Joey. Adam, vies for her attention, pounding on the glass window, she dismisses him. Emergency radio call, Tara races out.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS, OUTSIDE NURSERY – CONTINUOUS
Tara jumps into jeep, drives off leaves Adam in the dust.
INT. SANCTUARY VET HOSPITAL – LATER
Tara and vet tech work on saving koala. Adam and Tara have fight; money problems due to Adam’s recent binge drinking. He leaves, telling Tara he’s meeting an investor.
EXT. ADAM’S HOME, PATIO – EVENING
Adam drinking / popping pain pills. He calls Kai questioning him about funding. Plans are discussed for Kai to join Adam in Western Australia to pursue their boyhood dream of open a bow hunting lodge on the grounds of the failing wildlife sanctuary
BY PAGE 10 WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:
Kai’s overbearing father Martin is sadistic, forcing Kai to leave his home. Kai and his ‘little brother’ Adam plan to open a Naturalist Hunting Lodge on the grounds of a failing wildlife sanctuary. Adam and Tara are at odds.
TITLE OVER: THE RICHARDSON HOTEL SPA, PERTH AUSTRALIA
INT. HOTEL BAR – NEXT EVENING
Kai arrives at the bar to find Adam’s been drinking heavily and is unruly
INT. THE RICHARDSON HOTEL SPA, PENTHOUSE – MID DAY
Adam’s been up for hours binging on drinks, pills and pastries. Kai joins him to discuss the ‘plan’, growing concerned over Adam’s behavior.
EXT. SANCTUARY GROUNDS – 2 DAYS LATER, AFTERNOON
Adam and Kai arrive at the park as Tara and the crew buzz saw through a downed tree and repair fences. Kai is introduced to a stunned Tara. Kai is taken aback as well. Sparks ignite.
EXT. PARK, ADAM’S HOME PORCH – LATE AFTERNOON (pg18)
Adam and Kai on Adam’s deck closely observing Tara, tries to get to the truth. Adam doesn’t like Kai’s fascination with Tara.
EXT. GIRAFFE PADDOCK – MOMENTS LATER (pg19)
Kai approaches Tara in paddock, she challenges him to help out. Kai’s flirting playboy moves unnerve her. She walks away, he concedes defeat, she returns and hands him a shovel and instruction
EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO FIRE PITS – LATE NIGHT
Adam and Kai at firepit, After a long day Tara joins them. Intrigue; is friendship possible?
EXT. PARK GROUNDS, ZEBRA PADDOCK – MOMENTS LATER (pg 23)
Tara saves a baby zebra entangled in fencing, Kai jumps in to help, she’s blown away.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS, KOALA DAY CAMP – NOON
Wildlife Day Camp: Tara and staff work with kids as Adam and Kai watch uncomfortably. They are enlisted in service and don’t like it. We see the kids surrounding Kai again, drag him off to play.
INT. TARA’S HOME, BEDROOM BATHROOM – DUSK
Tara relaxes in a tub after a very long day. Kai enters uninvited with plans for her approval. Takes advantage of the situation to make her squirm.
EXT. TARA’S HOME, DECK – CONTINUOUS
With Kai expelled to the patio, Tara emerges from the tub, and joins him. Kai’s obviously pleased, but Tara’s not in a playful mood. She offends Kai, he leaves slightly pissed.
INT. PARK, TARA’S HOME, OFFICE – DUSK
After Kai leaves Tara reviews the paperwork he left. Tara upset over the encounter opens her computer to do some research on Kai – finding out who he is
EXT. PARK, BAR – EVENING (pg31)
Tara meets Adam and Kai. She plays their game, to snare them in her trap – then drops the bomb revealing what shes found.
INT. ADAM’S HOME, LIVINGROOM – PRE-DAWN
Adam in a stupor. Martin calls, knows all about ‘the plan’. Adam surprised, Martin manipulates him
FIRST TURNING POINT; END OF ACT 1
ACT II
EXT. PARK OUTBACK, CONSTRUCTION ZONE – LATER
Tara and Adam argue over plans as heavy equipment moves earth. Kai joins them, Tara stalks away.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS – MORNING (pg36)
Adam and Kai at range, target practice. Tara one ups them placing every shot dead on, leaving Kai uneasy.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS, HILLSIDE PADDOCK – LATE AFTERNOON
Cape Town Buffalo – a surprise peace offering from Kai to Tara; she’s off the planet excited. Tension grows as Adam notices, and Kai realizes they have a big problem.
EXT. CHEETAH ENCLOSURE – LATER
Tara calms an agitated pair of cheetahs as Kai watches entranced. She calls Kai to assist, they work well together.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS, HILLTOP – SUNSET
Kai surprises Tara with a hilltop picnic above the new buffalo enclosure, surprisingly they find common ground. Kai admits the truth about the plan and offers a compromise.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS – EARLY MORNING (pg 48)
Kai charges past Tara with a rifle. Following him, shots ring out, she charges through the bush tackling him. She hits a wall, Kai points to two dead dingoes, a gazelle stands panting, out of breath. Protector, not hunter.
INT. ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON (pg 49-50)
Adam admits he’s spoken to Martin. Tara enters, finding them in the middle of a screaming match. She’s had enough and heads out for a trek in the outback.
EXT. PATHWAY – MOMENTS LATER
Kai tries to stop Tara. In a moment of passion, he grabs her, kisses her. She escapes and heads up the path.
EXT. ADAM’S HOME, PATIO – NIGHT
Kai taps furiously on a laptop; screen shows financial documents. Adam’s passed out on a lounge nearby. Kai connects with Kamaria in a tribal mediation dream state.
FLASHBACK MONTAGE – EXT. SERENGETI GRASSLANDS – DAYTIME
• Kai (9), runs barefoot through the tall grass with catlike precision –- a lion cub on a jaunt. JADE (his mother, 30’s), chases him -– captures him — arms and legs splayed as they tumble laughing, breathing hard. • Jade hands Kai a birthday present, his ten-year-old hands unwrap her hunting knife and sheath, his face filled with joy. Jade hugs him tight.
END FLASHBACK
INT. ADAM’S HOUSE, BEDROOM – DAWN
Kai packs rucksack determined to catch Tara. Adam and Kai have a confrontation, as Kai starts to leave.
EXT. ADAM’S HOUSE – DECK – CONTINUOUS (pg55)
Adam catches Kai on the deck, no resolution. Kai pursues Tara. Martin calls Adam again, distressed he ignores the call, screams in frustration, throwing phone over the deck rail.
MIDPOINT
MONTAGE — PARK OUTBACK – AFTERNOON / EVENING
• Kai treks through outback, catches Tara’s tracks, follows contemplative
• Jade, young Kai and Maasai track lion through the brush, large bows hang from their backs
• Young Kai and Maasai tribal members in tribal dance by bonfire
• Jade photographs young Kai and Maasai male bow hunting large game
END MONTAGE
EXT. PARK OUTBACK, LAKE CAMPSITE – MORNING
Kai tracks Tara to the outback lakeside camp, surprising her
EXT. PARK OUTBACK, LAKE CAMPSITE – AFTERNOON
Kai and Tara gain insight into each other’s character through their shared stories
EXT. PARK OUTBACK – LATER
Tara photographs the wildlife, Kai watches in wonder
EXT. PARK OUTBACK, LAKE CAMPSITE, CAMPFIRE – NIGHT
Seduction. Success?
MONTAGE — PARK OUTBACK – DAYTIME
• Kai and Tara trek in serious discussion
• Tara photographs wildlife, Kai deep in thought
• Tara picks Kakadu plums, Kai reluctantly tries them and enjoys them
• Kai and Tara sit facing each other, palms touching, silent.
2ND TURNING POINT; END OF ACT 2
ACT III
EXT. PATHWAY TO ADMIN OFFICES – EVENING
Adam watches distressed as Kai and Tara return to the park, their new relationship in bloom.
EXT. ADAM’S HOME, PATIO – MORNING
Adam nervously awaits Martin’s call. He’s arrived and commands Adam to meet him
INT. ADMINISTRATION OFFICE – SOON AFTER (pg 64)
Kai ready to present Adam a new plan, witnesses him rushing off in jeep
EXT. ADMINISTRATION OFFICE PARKING – CONTINUOUS
Kai rushes out to stop Adam, who speeds away nearly hitting him in the process. Tara races up to figure out what’s going on. Confusion.
EXT. TARA’S HOME, DECK – EVENING
The group gathers, they haven’t found Adam. Deep discussion ensues.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS – MOMENTS LATER
Kai encounters Jelani at his enclosure, has an epiphany, makes a transitional decision.
INT. THE RICHARDSON HOTEL & SPA, PENTHOUSE – MORNING
Martin intimidates Adam into submission with plans to take over the park.
CRISIS
INT. ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON
Kai confronts Adam about his disappearance, Adam’s loses control. As Kai attempts to calm him, Adam’s fist connects with Kai’s cheekbone, sending him crashing into the water cooler. Adam has a complete meltdown, Kai subdues him.
INT. ADAM’S HOME, BEDROOM – LATER
As Adam’s lies passed out on his bed, Kai standing over, Adam’s phone rings; screen displays ‘Martin’.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS – EVENING (pg72)
Kai finds an antelope shot dead. He sprints back to Tara’s home knowing Martin and his men are here
EXT. PARK GROUNDS – DAWN
Kai, Katal and Mandu work together fixing the fence, clear away the carcass.
INT. ADMIN OFFICE – MORNING (pg74)
A call from Kai’s fiancé manager send him reeling – Martin claims he’s ‘gone missing’ and freezes all his
accounts.
INT. ADAM’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – LATER
Adam drunk and defiant blows off steam, trashes Kai.
EXT. TARA’S HOME, DECK – LATER
Jelani sits quietly at Kai’s feet. Kai’s devastated. Tara attempts to lift his spirits.
Deputy Inspector General Bahari Zuberi calls Kai to update him on Martin’s moves.
EXT. TARA’S HOME DECK – NIGHT
Kai sleeps uneasily on Tara’s deck, Jelani by his side.
DREAM SEQUENCE (pg 79)
EXT. KORIANGA HUNTING LODGE, DINING PATIO – EVENING
Ten-year-old Kai, Jade and Martin at home on their lavish patio, glasses and dishware fly as tempers flair.
EXT. AFRICA, CEMETERY – DAY
Kai (10yrs) places flowers on his mother’s grave. Martin laughs with associates in the background.
EXT. TARA’S HOME DECK – CONTINUOUS
Kai shivers and sweats with night terrors, Jelani growls softly on alert
INT. PARK, RESTAURANT – EARLY MORNING (pg82)
Two South African police officers meet with Kai to discuss Martin’s arrival in Perth Australia.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS, CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAYTIME
Kai, Katal, and crew work with a new contractor as Adam arrives furious. A shoving match erupts, resulting in Adam being dragged away kicking and screaming.
INT. ADAM’S HOME, LIVING ROOM – LATER
Adam under watch by his previous staff, enraged, calls Martin
INT. RESTAURANT BAR – DUSK
Martin and his thugs enter, he confronts Kai; revealing he’s Adam’s father, here to take over the project and put Adam in charge. Two South African Officers sit nearby on alert, ready to pounce.
EXT. BAR – MOMENTS LATER
Martin stalks out, ready to make good on his threats, runs into Tara he swats her aside and continues with his rifle towards the wildlife enclosures.
EXT. CHEETAH ENCLOSURE – MOMENTS LATER
Martin’s rifle is trained on Tara, who’s arrived at the big cat enclosure just in time. Kai bounds forward to shield her. Guns are drawn in a standoff between the South African police, and Martin’s men.
Martin brags of killing Kai’s mother, and Kai explodes attacking him. Adam finally understands the truth and rushes to Kai’s defense knocking Martin off his feet.
As Martin and Adam struggle, the gun goes off; Adam is shot. Martin recovers, turns to shoot Kai as shots ring out over Kai’s shoulder. Deputy Inspector General Bahari Zuberi stands behind Kai his gun smoldering.
EXT. PARK GROUNDS, LATE NIGHT
Police investigation, Ambulance for Adam, DIG Zuberi grasps control of the situation.
EXT. TARA’S HOME, DECK – MORNING
With Adam in recovery post-surgery, Kai’s arranged for a stay in rehab. Barahi updates the group on the investigation that led them to follow Martin and his men to Australia.
EXT. PARK OUTBACK, LAKE – SUNSET – MUSIC OVERTURE
Tara and Kai return to the Outback Camp site where they first connected. Passion flairs, their souls entwined in a lovers embrace. Tara kisses Kai softly, desire ignites as Kai gently lays her onto the grass
his passion growing. The sun sinks lower in the sky as….
SCENE MORPHS to:
A LION and LIONESS; lunge wildly, playfully at each other -– at the water’s edge under the setting sun.
FADE OUT
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Diana Collins.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Diana Collins.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Diana Collins.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Diana Collins.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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What I learned: When I first read the directions for this exercise, I thought, What? That doesn’t even make sense. But I tried it. I separated out lines of narrative and dialogue, and realized by doing so, your focus is on one thing. You can see the line in all its nakedness, its warts, its bags and sags, and you can be the plastic surgeon that improves its looks, and makes it effective. I also learned that this practice is fun and insightful. I have experienced another break through; as well as, appreciated that this exercise also yields subtext. Thanks. KC
LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to outer space.
A BUDDY PLAY: FOR THE LOVE OF PERCY
LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to outer space.
Karen Crider’s story beats
EXT. CASTLE – DAY
#3. -He drinks it in. Then returns to the castle courts to spend time with his queen. ** Meaningless sentence.
(NEW SENTENCE.) He sighs, as he enters the castle, rose in hand. (Strong sentence.
**A writer should always give a character something to do, even if it’s just drinking a glass of water. I read that somewhere.)
#2. The sunrise burns off the morning mists, spangles waterfalls and glints granite walls of the kingdom; a placid view. **Leggy, slows the pace.
(NEW SENTENCE) The sunrise burns off the morning mists and glints granite walls in the distance.
#I. I edited out a placid view. The sentence infers it’s a placid view—subtext/tone. I edited out: spangles waterfalls. I added: glinting, (which reminds one of water) granite cliffs in the distance. (As it’s understood we are within the bounds of his kingdom. The new sentence adds imagery, and a panorama, invoking mood.
#3. (I changed his name. KING ZEBULON is the original king.)
KING ZEBULON, a royal dragon, ambles outside his courts, shadowed by sentries.
(NEW SENTENCE:) Shadowed by sentries, King Zebulon, pauses to pick his queen a rose.
–Stronger sentence: More concise. Show, don’t tell. Provides an intimate portrait, pinpointing a facet of
his character. It’s obvious, he doesn’t care if his macho, sentry dragons notice him pick a rose for his queen. Shows he values/loves his wife–subtext.
#2. The victor’s holds his head high; his chest heaves, as he lends his opponent a final kick. He ignores his booing spectators.
NEW SENTENCE: The victor, a fire breathing dragon, bows and smiles, after he ignites his screaming opponent in flame.
I do not have to say: the victor holds his head high, his chest heaves– which indicates arrogance and pride. All I have to do is add: bows and smiles to get my point across. The sentence is more concise, illustrating the victor’s character and making him worthy of contempt. The sentence shows rather than tells.
#1. BRAGGART DRAGON
No problem! Age beat his competitor before he even began. You are looking at the new captain of the guard.
NEW SENTENCE: No problem! You’re looking at the new Captain of the Guard!
In the planet, Freome, time has no relevance. Age doesn’t enter into it. So, I have found an error in plot. I edited out the age thing and concised the sentence at the same time.
#3. NURSE PHOBE, the royal aunt and caretaker to the nursery turns invisible. She grabs the infant, PERCY, prince dragon, heir to the king, who no doubt shall be killed by the infiltrators.
NEW SENTENCE: As royal Nurse Phoebe, grabs infant, Percy, to save his life, she turns invisible.
Less is more. Concise is powerful. It also lends freely to imagery…
#2. Dragons watch, rooting for their favorite competitor. No one’s aware of trouble brewing, of foreign invaders, of hostile dragons, who tower both in stature and might, as they steal through the jungle, searching for conquest.
NEW SENTENCE: Towering dragons stalk the jungle, uprooting forest and fauna, on their way to invade a distracted kingdom.
Concise, the words portray the dragons as both powerful and to be feared. The distracted kingdom illustrates how much in danger the kingdom is in…
INT. KING’S THRONE – DAY
The winner bows before the king. He sends his servant to bring him a laurel wreathe and a fine robe. The king plies him with gifts, honor and respect for his conquest.
NEW SENTENCE: The VICTOR bows before the king. The king plies him with gifts of a laurel wreath, a purple robe and honor.
I found a typo. Wreathe means to interweave, to writhe. A wreath refers to a circular shape. Wordiness takes up room in a script; as well as, reading time of the reader. Make the reading quick and sharp like a well-used sword. Get to the meat, feed the reader… Thanks. KC
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Karen! I love the elevations in the sentences, they do make it so much more powerful!
GREAT JOB!! I love your choice of words and the way it plays through the story. Very creative writing!
Just a typo note: your logline is listed twice at the top, and the sentence: “I
edited out the age thing and concised the sentence at the same time.” I think you mean you ‘clarified it’.
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Hi, Diana, I wanted to add more to the critique I sent you. You probably thought that Karen she sure is stingy with her advice. lol. Okay, here goes: I liked your changes. I thought they made it clearer/more concise. I like your script, the history, the motivation behind their actions. And I liked the back and forth of your scenes. I think some of your characters are excellent, though there were one or two that lost me. Lesser characters whose names I noticed. I would see if you could pare down on one or two characters; perhaps, combine them so there are not so many. Just a thought. I would also check some of your scene headings. Some of them were really long. Overall, I liked your changes. I thought they made the script more concise. It’s so defined. I like that about your writing. Organization is a gift, and you are wonderful at it. This lesson is more or less a lesson on editing and elevating. Editing is a fine art, and a time-consuming craft, but it is also a hoot! Keep going, keep elevating. I think quite a few of our scenes may benefit from this lesson. I know it will play heavy into mine. Thanks for being my writing partner…
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Thank you Karen – I’m going to do another run through and see what I can do. Great note on the characters, although they are integral to the script, it may not be necessary here. Glad your enjoying it, and thanks for the notes and being my partner as well!
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Assignment #3
Elevating the Beats of the Story
Ann Goldman
MEMOIR
What I learned doing Story Beats is where my action/plot clearly flows, how it supports the beats before and after – and where it doesn’t! Reading them from the end to the beginning helped isolate the exciting beats, and those that dragged in between. Since so much of my story takes place in the same setting, it’s hard to separate the beats at times. But this process helped identify where work is needed. And it reflects the same weaknesses in the previous structure assignment.
Logline:
Renowned visual artist Rebekah Dari returns home to LA to premiere a documentary film about Muslim, Christian and Jewish musicians creating peace among Israeli neighbors, but when a journalist offers her a book deal, she must decide whether to expose her own reclusive life in a memoir to promote the film she passionately believes in, amidst the objections of her mother, a former lover, and an industrial magnate.
Genre: Political- Religious Romantic Comedy
Current Beats of Script
Act 1
1, INT- REBEKAH’S APARTMENT – AFTERNOON
· Judith and Abby arrive to prepare Rebekah’s apartment for her return home after 2 years.
· Jonathan Krupnik comes to the door to see Rebekah but Abby turns him away.
· Rebekah and Alex Kogan arrive from Israel and learn about the new Gaza/Israel Conflict.
· Judith invites them to Shabbat dinner that evening.
2. INT- REBEKAH’S APARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
· Jonathan returns, wakes Rebekah and offers her book deal, which she rejects.
· Rebekah and Jonathan try to convince each other to promote their projects.
· Rebekah is appalled Jonathan has hacked into her accounts and kicks him out.
· Jonathan tells Abby about the book deal.
3. INT – JUDITH’S HOME – EVENING
· Abby reveals Rebekah has received an offer to write her memoir.
· Judith is adamantly opposed; Alex and Abby are in favor. Rebekah begins to change her mind.
· Alex explains why the Gaza-Israeli conflict is continuing and everyone contributes info to the history of the situation.
· Rebekah shares her experiences in Morocco, making the documentary film, and enlists Abby’s involvement.
· Media relations’ Raina Gordon books them for an NPR interview on Monday.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT 2
4. INT – RADIO STATION – DAY
· Pam Torrison questions Alex, about the situation in the Gaza/Israel conflict and then all of them discuss the documentary Cousin’s in Concert premier at The New Middle East Center that could be a solution for world peace.
· Charles Talmage sees Rebekah in passing before his interview at the radio station.
5. INT – DOOR OUTSIDE REBEKAH’S APARTMENT – DAY
· Charles Talmage surprises Rebekah outside her apartment to ask her if she still paints portraits and she invites him inside.
· Rebekah is amazed that Charles is her first love all grown up and also engaged in The New Middle East Center, too.
· Charles leaves when Jonathan arrives unannounced to offer his support for Rebekah’s documentary and she agrees to write a memoir.
6. EXT – OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE NEW MIDDLE EAST CENTER – NIGHT
· Pam Torrison interviews all the notables after the world premiere of Cousins in Concert.
· Torrison reveals the documentary is a success and worthy of an Oscar nomination.
· Rebekah’s entourage and Charles entourage see one another for the very first time.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT 3
7. INT – REBEKAH’S APARTMENT – DAY
· Alex and Abby interrupt Rebekah’s writing to invite her to a meeting
· Tristan Givré’s arrival surprises them all and they enlist him to go to the meeting instead.
· Charles shows up for his portrait and terrified to learn Rebekah’s writing about their young love in her memoir
· After Jonathan arrives to edit Rebekah’s pages, Charles threatens Jonathan that Edgar Pepsing will have him fired if he tries to publish Rebekah’s book.
· Rebekah overhears, orders Charles to leave and insists that Jonathan tells her about his past and why he is so driven.
· Rebekah and Jonathan acknowledge their love for each other.
8. INT – REBEKAH’S APARTMENT – DAY
· Judith meets Charles and Edgar to appeal to them with reason (and nut horns) to change their minds about blocking Rebekah’s book.
· Judith and Charles discover an instant attraction for each other amidst opposing opinions.
· Rebekah comes home to see if her mother succeeded and then Alex comes to get Abby for a radio interview.
· Cassie arrives for a heart to heart with Rebekah and Jonathan interrupts them with news he’s been fired.
· Cassie announces she is pregnant and insists her father Edgar run for the Senate (instead of her fiancé Charles) and that her father should get Jonathan his job back and publish Rebekah’s book.
· The three couples come together in harmony and everyone celebrates joyful resolutions.
END OF ACT THREE
3<sup>rd</sup> PROFESSIONAL REWRITE PROCESS: SEPARATING OUT
2. INT- REBEKAH’S APARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
· Sparks fly as Rebekah and Jonathan reject each other’s projects with escalating historical citations to change the other person’s mind.
3. INT – JUDITH’S HOME – EVENING
· Judith is adamantly opposed; Alex and Abby are in favor of Rebekah writing her memoir.
· Rebekah has no idea what to write about.
· Slyly, Alex engages everyone in conversation about the Gaza-Israeli conflict, the history of Palestine and their own experiences in the Israel. Rebekah realizes she loves sharing stories of personal adventures.
· Media relations Raina Gordon calls to book them for an NPR interview on Monday.
4. INT – RADIO STATION – DAY
· Pam Torrison challenges Alex to defend Israel’s response to the Gaza/Israel conflict.
· Alex provides the facts on the origin of the conflict and the success of his brother’s project for creating peace through music as can be seen in the film Cousin’s in Concert.
· Pam Torrison is intrigued to see if Cousin’s in Concert could be a solution for world peace.
REVISED STORY BEATS in each scene
2. INT- REBEKAH’S APARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
· Jonathan returns, wakes Rebekah and offers her book deal, which she rejects.
· Sparks fly as Rebekah and Jonathan reject each other’s projects with escalating historical citations to change the other person’s mind.
· Rebekah is appalled Jonathan has hacked into her accounts and kicks him out.
· Jonathan tells Abby about the book deal.
3. INT – JUDITH’S HOME – EVENING
· Abby reveals Rebekah has received an offer to write her memoir.
· Judith is adamantly opposed; Alex and Abby are in favor of Rebekah writing her memoir.
· Rebekah has no idea what to write about.
· Slyly, Alex engages everyone in conversation about the Gaza-Israeli conflict, the history of Palestine and their own experiences in Israel.
· Rebekah realizes she loves sharing stories of her personal adventures.
· Media relations Raina Gordon calls to book them for an NPR interview on Monday.
ACT 2
5. INT – RADIO STATION – DAY
· Torrison challenges Alex to defend Israel’s response to the Gaza/Israel conflict.
· Alex provides facts on the origin of the conflict and the success in his brother’s project for creating peace through music as can be seen in the film Cousin’s in Concert.
· Pam Torrison is eager to see if Cousins could truly be a solution for world peace.
· Charles Talmage sees Rebekah in passing before his interview at the radio station.
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Althea’s Story Beats
I learned that I need a lot of practice in distilling the story down to its beats. Taking each element in isolation is so revealing.
LOGLINE: Missing her deceased mother and desperate to grow up, a plant-loving middle schooler secretly plays matchmaker, using a popular dating app, for her widowed father.
BEAT SHEET
1. INT RESTAURANT – DAY
Adira and Marcus are celebrating her new project, The One dating app. They break up after Marcus tells her that he is only with her because of her father. Marcus makes a scene about how Adira’s new project is just like all the others and it won’t be successful. Adira, rushes out and in her haste, runs into the life sized cardboard figure of Robert, and falls. Robert helps her up. She buys a book. We learn about exercises from The Love Spot, Robert’s best selling book that increase the love in your life.
SIX MONTHS LATER
2. EXT GLADDEN NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Mama P(Bobbie’s godmother) and bestie, Dee, drop Bobbie at home after school. Mama P encourages Bobbie to engage in the details of findings someone for her father Robert to date. Bobbie is not interested in being involved.
3. INT GLADDEN HOME PLANT ROOM
Bobbie practices Tae Kwon Do and her soil presentation with the plants as her audience. Marvin, her father’s assistant talks with her about grief and her coping mechanisms.
4. INT GLADDEN HOME KITCHEN – DAY
Grandma Net encourages Robert to spend more time with Bobbie and to talk to the Pastor and makes it clear that she expects to see him and Bobbie at church.
5. INT CHURCH YOUTH SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS – DAY
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
Bobbie shows pots with soil, the class is engaged.
Bobbie holding soil in her gloved hand, letting it filter through her fingers.
Bobbie and Kendrick lock eyes, Bobbie smiles.Kendrick announces his party. Bobbie overhears nemesis Monaglenn and crew talking about her lack of style and make up.
6. INT CHURCH – DAY
Monaglenn won’t let Bobbie and Dee sit on the same pew with her saying her row is for the beautiful people.
7. INT CHURCH PASTORS OFFICE – DAY
Robert talks to Pastor about dating and his fears of Bobbie growing up too fast.
8. EXT CHURCH PARKING LOT – DAY
Bobbie grabs Kendrick’s arm when Monaglenn and crew pass by. Mama P and other church ladies surround Robert. Mama P lets Robert know she has another date lined up for him. He declines but Mama P is insistent.
9. INT GLADDEN HOME KITCHEN – EVENING
Bobbie tries on make up and is interrupted by a text from Dee telling her that Monaglenn’s mother is on her mother’s list as a possible date for her father. Bobbie forgets to take the make up off. Her father sees and blows up at her. Bobbie runs to plant room where she feels closest to her mother, deceased 2 years. She cries and a tear falls into the soil of a potted sunflower and the plant comes to life, (Aloysius, Al).
Robert remorseful over blowup, has flashback of wife Evie, asks God for help with Bobbie.
10. INT GLADDEN HOME BOBBIE’S BEDROOM- DAY
Dee tells Bobbie how sought after her father is. Bobbie says nothing about being able to hear Al. The girls really want to go to Kendrick’s party. Bobbie is very worried that Monaglenn’s mother could be her father’s love interest.
11. INT GLADDEN HOME KITCHEN – MORNING
Bobbie brings Al into the kitchen. Bobbie asks Grandma Net to set her father up with someone. After some thoughtful questions, Grandma Net agrees. Bobby goes to school. Grandma Net thinks she hears something and puts Al in the plant room.
12. INT PLANT ROOM – DAY
Bobbie raps as she waters and talks to the plants. Al critiques her performance. Bobbie prays to God, seeking a sound mind. She and Al say “Amen” together. Bobbie decides to leave Al in the plant room so she won’t hear him.
13. INT GLADDEN HOME BOBBIE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
She conducts a neurologic examination on herself.
14. INT RESTAURANT – DAY
Robert goes on date set up by Pam. (Mama P) The date has been married 6 times but thinks that Robert could be lucky 7.
15. INT GLADDEN HOUSE BOBBIE’S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Bobbie hears Al calling to her from the plant room. He will not be quiet. She gets him and brings him to her room. Al reminds Bobbie that she has grace, inner and outer beauty and should not listen to what Monagien says.
16. INT CONFERENCE ROOM THE ONE – DAY
Adira chairs office meeting noting 1 million subscribers. Asks employees to look at ways the principles of The Love Spot can help with eliciting more honest answers on the app profiles.
17. INT GLADDEN HOME BOBBIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Bobbie sees a vision of Monaglenn and her mother in a family photo with her and her Dad. Then she sees The One dating app commercial. She does internet search of the app and Adira. Bobbie completes a profile for her father. Bobbie arranges a date for her father.
18. INT JAPANESE RESTAURANT -EVENING
Under the ruse of an apology dinner, Bobbie suggests they go to the Japanese restaurant. Bobbie finds out that the date has lied on her profile. Adira is also at the restaurant and overhears that Bobbie has created a profile for her father without his knowledge. Adira confronts Bobbie. Bobbie recognizes Adira from her research. Bobbie promises to delete the profile.
19. INT CHURCH HOSPITALITY ROOM – NIGHT
Mama P hosts a singles mixer and is showing Robert off. He is barely interested.
20. INT CHURCH YOUTH SUNDAY SCHOOl ROOM – NIGHT
Bobbie’s personal space is crowded by DeVonte’ and Bobbie uses a Tae Kwon Do move on him. The teacher talks to both Devonte’s parents and Bobbie’s father. Kendrick notices her. Bobbie sees her father beside Monaglenn’s mother after the meeting. Bobbie lies and says she must go home now. Bobbie is put on punishment for fighting at church.
21. INT GLADDEN HOME BOBBIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Bobbie arranges another date for her father through The One app. Al continues to voice his objection.
22. INT EVENT SPACE – NIGHT
Grandma Net tries out stand up comedy and invites Adira, daughter of her long time friend. She invites Adira to Robert’s book signing. Adira begs off the date but wants to talk to Robert about potential business opportunities.
23. INT HOTEL BOOK SIGNING – NIGHT
Bobbie communicates through app with the date and through texts with her father, making it appear that Robert is the one responding. Robert has conversation with date who is confused when Robert says good night and walks away.
24. INT GLADDEN HOME BOBBIE’S BEDROOM – EVENING
Defying her father, Bobbie prepares to go to Kendrick’s party. Al and Dee urge her to stay home. Bobbie has invited all of the previous dates to her father’s book signing thinking they will keep him busy long enough for her to get back home undetected.
25. INT KENDRICK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Kendrick plays host but also says Bobbie can be with him. They dance and talk.
26. INT KENDRICK’S HOUSE UPSTAIRS – NIGHT
Bobbie and Kendrick talk and kiss. They hear a sound dumb and a crash. Kendrick leaves to see what happened.
27. INT KENDRICK’S HOUSE UPSTAIRS BEDROOM -NIGHT
Monaglenn is there, drunk and with Devonte’ who plans to take advantage of her. Bobbie comes to her rescue using her Tae Kwon Do
28. INT MARVIN’S CAR – NIGHT
Marvin, Robert’s assistant picks the girls up, takes Monaglenn home and returns with Bobbie to Robert’s book signing.
29. INT HOTEL BOOK SIGNING – NIGHT
Bobbie walks in on an out and out brawl between the app dates. Some attendees are trying to stop the fight. Others film the commotion. Bobbie realizes that she is the creator of all the chaos, makes a public apology to everyone but is interrupted by emergency calls to her father and Adira from the hospital.
30. INT HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Robert meets Adira as he delivers her father’s medical report. Her father has had a stroke but will be fine and comments on what a nice couple the two of them make. Adira shares good news about The One app making the national morning news shows. Robert and Adira both remember meeting each other previously.
31. INT GLADDEN HOME KITCHEN – NIGHT
Bobbie apologizes to Robert and shares about Al who is now dead and shedding seeds and leaves on the table. Robert tells Bobbie that her mother could hear plants too, commends her maturity in telling the truth and agrees to have open communication and accept that she is a young woman and growing up.
32. INT CHURCH YOUTH SUNDAY SCHOOL – DAY
Class practices sowing positive seed with their tongues. Monaglenn apologizes.
33. INT CHURCH WORSHIP AREA – DAY
MONTAGE OF SHOTS
Bobbie, Kendrick, Dee, Monaglenn and crew sit on the same row
Grandma Net sit with Adira’s father. Robert sits with Adira.34. INT CHURCH PASTOR’S OFFICE- DAY
DeVonte’ is in serious conversation with the Pastor.
35. EXT PARK – DAY
Bobbie, Kendrick, Adira and Robert are on picnic. Evie and fully restored Al watch over them.
PART 2
Review each beat starting from the end and elevate the ones that are dull and/or problematic.
35. INT OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM THE ONE APP – DAY
Adira and Robert sit in the conference room and are engaged over the possibilities of using an exercise from The Love Spot to increase honesty on the profiles.
35. EXT PARK – DAY
Kendrick and Bobbie play at the park. Evie and fully restored Al watch over them.
31. INT CHURCH SUNDAY SCHOOL ROOM
Bobbie, Monaglenn, DeVonte’ Kendrick, Dee and Sunday School teacher in group session. Forgiveness is the topic written on the board.
additional resolve
INT GLADDEN HOUSE PLANT ROOM – DAY
Bobbie plants several sunflower seeds into separate pots.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Althea McPhail.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Althea McPhail.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Leo’s Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that looking at the beats individually is a way to get ideas on how to elevate them. I did have some trouble working backwards and stopped that after a while.
LOGLINE
Acadia, an Army widow who runs a music school in New Orleans, has her school and students threatened by Fabien, a twisted vampire king. Though an unbeliever, in desperation, she lets a Voodoo Queen raise her husband from the dead. Acadia and her husband lead a zombie army against the vampires to try to save her students.
— ORIGINAL BEATS —
Mini-Movie 1 – Status Quo and Call to Adventure
1. EXT. IRAQ BATTLEFIELD – SERIES OF SHOTS
American soldier Acadia takes cover behind a low wall. Insurgent in a room covered in Satanic images fires on her.
Automatic weapons fire strikes her position. Ben arrives next to her. Their eyes meet briefly. Ben throws a grenade, and they rush the insurgent position.
They break into the insurgent’s position from behind and shoot him. As he dies his body bursts into flame and Acadia reacts to a pain on her arm.
Ben looks concerned. Acadia shakes it off.
FADE TO
2. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – DAY
Thunder. Ben’s funeral. Taps plays against background of cloudy sky. Acadia is comforted by Bianca who tries to get her to make the sign of the cross. Pain in her left arm. She looks at and touches an old bruise on her arm which resembles part of a key. Her mind drifts…
3. EXT. DREAM WORLD – MONTAGE
Acadia and Ben in civilian dress laugh together in a beautiful forest. They say their vows in a wedding. Ben waives goodbye from a jeep. Acadia and Ben at ribbon cutting of School for the Lively Arts. Children sing and dance. Ben in uniform boards a plane.
4. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – DAY
Rifles fire into air. Acadia handed folded flag and sees momentary supernatural vision. Ben’s coffin is carried into Wilder family mausoleum.
5. INT. MAUSOLEUM – CONTINUOUS
Honor guard enters mausoleum and are frightened by strange sounds and movements of other coffins.
6. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – CONTINUOUS
Acadia tries to regain composure as she receives condolences.
7. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Demonic face glowing in wall issues command to Fabien. He executes a captive offering a tribute of blood to the demon.
8.INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – CONTINUOUS
A stone floor tile moves. From below, a demon rises, savages inside of school and attacks a janitor.
9. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – CONTINUOUS
Only Acadia and Bianca remain. Bianca invites Acadia to stay with her tonight. She agrees.
10. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – MORNING
Acadia and Bianca return to the school to find it vandalized with threats painted on the wall. Acadia screams. Bianca tries to comfort her but notices things that make her suspect supernatural events. Acadia calls police.
11. EXT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – CONTINUOUS
Bianca passes Louis, the band leader, as she leaves. He finds students outside the school and tells them not to bother Acadia and to go home. They wander off.
12. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – CONTINUOUS
Acadia halfheartedly tries to clean-up. Louis comes in and suggests that the attack is supernatural in origin. Acadia rejects this violently.
13. EXT. GENTLEMEN’S CLUB – DAY
Fabien, from a shadowed doorway, accosts one of the wandering students and gives him a gift to deliver to Acadia.
14. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – LATER Student places gift, a small statue on a shelf. Acadia hears strange noises coming from beneath the floor. She blames her mental state.
Mini–Movie 2 – Locked into Conflict
15. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Knocking on door wakes up Acadia. Students, parents and staff enter, offer support and ask her to stay. They say they will help.
While parents discuss things with Acadia, Fabien bangs on the door and demands to be invited in, which he is by teenage student Mia.
Fabien tries to charm Acadia and makes an offer to buy the property. Parents and students don’t like him. Community asks her to stay. Acadia stalls on Fabien’s generous offer and asks to be left alone.
Bianca arrives and is shocked when she sees Fabien.
16. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – LATER
Bianca tries to warn Acadia about Fabien, but Acadia does not take the warning seriously.
17. INT. JAZZ CLUB – NIGHT
Mia meets with Fabien. Louis who performs there sees them together.
18. EXT. SCHOOL FOR THE LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Cab pulls up to the door where Louis and kids are cleaning graffiti. Cabby unloads luggage. Acadia has given up her apartment and prepares to live at the school. Cabby slides Acadia’s trunk over demonic tile.
19.INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – CONTINUOUS
Kids are performing on the stage.
Mia whispers something to one of the younger boys and he runs from the school.
Louis warns Acadia about Mia.
20. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Fabien sits before glowing image on wall. Sacrifices a rat. One of Acadia’s students enters. Fabien rewards student with money and gives him a package. Fabien drips rat blood on alter.
21. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – LATER
Parent on ladder working on fixing lighting fixture gets bitten by a rat and grabs at electrical cord, gets electric shock. Falls.
22. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Emergency flashing light. Paramedics remove injured parent. Noah and other students crying. They share candy with Acadia. Acadia sits and sees vision of herself hanging.
Mia gives her a lead about the vandalism to investigate.
23. EXT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Bianca confronts Fabien, but he tries to recruit his old lover Bianca back to his side. She confirms her suspicions about his motivations.
24. EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Acadia follows up on lead from Mia and walks into an ambush. She fights her way out.
25. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Bianca finds Acadia making a hangman’s noose. Bianca reveals her Voodoo past to Acadia and offers to bring back Ben as a zombie to help her. Acadia suspects Bianca is crazy and fires her.
Acadia finds students who ate candy, sick and terrified. They tell her that Fabien gave them the candy. Now Acadia becomes angry and promises children she will not let this bad man hurt them again.
She swings the noose, knocks the sculpture Fabien gave her to the floor, shattering it. Throws the noose in the trash. Broken pieces of the sculpture glow with green light.
Mini-Movie 3: Standard Ways Fail
26. INT. SCHOOL FOR THE LIVELY ARTS – DAY
While waiting for police to show up, Acadia confronts Mia and tells her to get out.
Police arrive and Acadia tries to convive police of Fabien’s involvement. As they inspect the school one of the detectives recognizes a symbol burned into the door and promises to help.
27. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia construct traps and sets up cameras to catch vandals. Police detective sends a priest to help her, but she rejects the help. The Priest somehow knows things about Fabien and Acadia’s mother.
28. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Detective confronts Fabien. Fabien has him taken prisoner. Bites his neck.
29. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia reviews video recordings on computer. She sees Bianca hiding across the street keeping guard over the school. She regrets firing her. She runs out to look for her.
30. EXT. OUTSIDE OF IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Mia thanks Fabien and indicates understanding.
31. INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – NIGHT
Mia tells priest that she is going to tell people what he has done. He tries to dissuade her from the path she is on, revealing more knowledge of Fabien.
32. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia calls police department and asks for detective. They haven’t seen him. She opens refrigerator and his severed head is there. Police return.
33. INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – DAY
Acadia goes to the church and looks for the priest. No-one know where he is. Acadia sees symbol that Detective noticed, carved into a tree outside the church.
Mini-Movie 4: Hero Forms a New Plan
34. EXT. NEAR SCHOOL FOR THE LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Acadia waits for Bianca. When she arrives, agrees to try things her way, as a rapprochement. She doesn’t believe this will work, but she wants Bianca’s help. Bianca agrees, but seems distant.
35. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Acadia asks why she has watched. Bianca reveals some things about Fabien, but fears Acadia will reject her again.
36. EXT. COMMUNITY GARDEN – NIGHT
Bianca is out gathering supplies for the ceremony, when she is confronted by Fabien. He offers to restore her youth and be with her forever. She rejects his offer, knows he wants to control the demon portal to take revenge on the city. She knows how to keep him at bay.
37. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – NIGHT
Acadia and Bianca enter Wilder family mausoleum.
38. INT. WILDER FAMILY MAUSOLEUM – CONTINUOUS
Bianca performs ceremony. When Ben reappears, Acadia thinks she’s gone mad and asks for proof. Ben shares with her things Bianca could not have known.
39. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – DAY
They debate over a plan to attack Fabien. The plan is vague and Ben seems confused and spaced out.
40. EXT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
They attempt to scale tower to get to vampire vault. They are attacked by Gargoyle like creatures. Ben almost drops Acadia. Attack fails.
41. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
They retreat to the school defeated. Ben takes blame, not as strong as he used to be. The sculpture that Acadia shattered has somehow reassembled.
MID-POINT TURNING POINT: PLAN FAILS
MINI-MOVIE 5 – HERO RETREATS, ANTAGONIST PREVAILS – PAGES 60 — 75
42. EXT. STREET – NIGHT
While watching the In the Dark Club, Ben proposes to Acadia and Bianca that they bring back his ancestors who have fought in every war since the American Revolution.
Bianca has never tried to pull off something this big. She needs help. Convinces Acadia to go all in on the spirit world.
43. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Fabien realizes what Bianca has done. He calls his minions together and sets a trap.
44. EXT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Students perform for tourists walking by. Noah dressed like a knight. Fabien springs his trap, luring Acadia and Bianca into a tourist bus. He mocks them in front of the students and recruits some students. Fabien again demands Acadia sign over her property and she still refuses.
Noah creates distraction by driving his sword into the radiator of the bus, making it look like a cross. Acadia and Bianca escape.
Fabien leaves, but several parents also leave, saying the school is too dangerous. Acadia is losing support in the community.
45. MONTAGE
Acadia goes into voodoo “basic training”. Signs that she used to have faith. Under stress, she appears on the edge of insanity.
46. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – NIGHT
Bianca and Acadia perform ceremony. Ben’s relatives are raised: Soldiers from Revolutionary, Civil War (north and south), WWI, WWII, Vietnam. New zombies are confused and begin to fight among themselves. Revolutionary and Civil War soldiers think they are enemies. Acadia quashes squabbling among Ben’s ancestors and takes command.
47. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Fabien performs ceremony asking his mentor for advice on dealing with zombies. Mentor can become powerful again if Fabien can control school and the cursed portal. Fabien will get revenge on New Orleans.
48. EXT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Acadia leads direct assault against club, but demons, thugs, and vampires drive them off.
49. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Someone obliterated WWI Zombie left to guard the school and Acadia’s trunk has been dumped. She recognizes a torn package which includes a picture of her mom and her mom’s crucifix, which she takes and puts on.
TURNING POINT: THE DECISION TO CHANGE
MINI-MOVIE 6 – HERO’S BIGGER, BETTER PLAN! – PAGES 75 — 90
50. INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – NIGHT
Acadia enters pew and prays. Missing Priest comes out of hiding, gives her a map showing portal upon which her school rests. Reveals curse. Shows her bruise on his wrist.
Tells her he is her father, but she misunderstands.
Transfers bruise from his wrist, and power to Acadia. Bruise on her wrist becomes sharp like a tattoo of a key. As he walks away, he busts into flames.
51. INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT
Fabien conducts false flag operation, taking advantages of the zombie’s prejudices, making them think they are being used for evil.
52. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – NIGHT
Confederate and Union zombies fight among themselves
Acadia and Ben arrive, restore order. Explain plan. Zombies express regret at being brought back. Acadia appeals again for their help.
53. EXT. BEHIND GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Truck pulls up with supplies, Acadia driving. She unloads boxes, getting access to the club.
54. INT. BACKROOM GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Acadia hides, searches for coffins. Notices rotting beams in tower, almost falling off of one. Locates coffins. Places explosive. As she leaves, she is observed by Mia.
55. EXT. STREET NEAR GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Acadia and Ben waiting to hear explosion.
56. EXT. ROOF OF GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Mia appears with explosive and throws it down to street.
57. EXT. STREET NEAR GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Explosion destroys cars and hurts people. Panic. Police arriving.
58. EXT. STREET NEAR GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Acadia helps wounded. Finds her favorite student, Noah, dying.
59. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Acadia tells Ben all is lost. Wants to leave. Ben’s zombie relatives appear and ask to be released back to the spirit world.
TURNING POINT: THE ULTIMATE FAILURE
MINI-MOVIE 7 – CRISIS AND CLIMAX – PAGES 90 – 105
60. EXT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Sign: Farewell Concert – School Closing. Sad families and kids enter. Bianca tells them Acadia will be there soon. Time to say goodbye. Some students and parents still don’t want her to go and not everyone knows she has been fighting Fabien.
61. INT. MAUSOLEUM – DAY
Acadia thanking Ben and his relatives. Door slammed shut. Locked from outside by Fabien minion.
Acadia and Ben struggle with door.
62. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
As kids perform, smoke emerges from around demonic tile on floor. Kids and parents pass out.
63. INT. MAUSOLEUM – DAY
Revolutionary war zombie opens door with sword. Gives sword to Ben.
64. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia rushes in. Everyone gone. Sculpture delivers message from Fabien. Has children, will kill them unless Acadia signs over her property and sets off a bomb during a Mardi Gras parade
Acadia and Ben hatch new plan and give it one last try
65. INT. MAUSOLEUM – DAY
Acadia and Ben look for Bianca and find zombies decided not to be released and are still there. New plan.
66. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia makes reservation for bachelor party.
MINI-MOVIE 8 – NEW STATUS QUO – PAGES 105 – 120
67. INT. FOYER OF GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Acadia and team arrive in masks for bachelor party. Some masks conceal military style radios. Bouncer wants them to pass through metal detector. Bianca knocks out bouncer.
68. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Soldier/Zombies are entertained. Dancers discover peculiar guests and realize they are performing for Zombies. Look for Fabien. Not there. Vampires out hunting.
69. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB TOWER- NIGHT
Acadia discovers imprisoned kids. Radios Ben their location and asks for help.
70. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Ben and relatives start up stairs but dancers turn demonic and they must fight their way toward kids.
71. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB TOWER – NIGHT
Acadia finds vampire coffins. Attaches explosives to rotting beam. The trap is set to destroy the vampires but kids are still in the building. Have to wait.
72. EXT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAWN
Bats fly in through window.
73. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB TOWER – DAWN
Bats surround Acadia and take on vampire form. Mia is now a vampire. They threaten and hurt Acadia.
As Vampires taunt her, Acadia hears radio message from Ben. Kids are safe. Acadia sets off explosives, collapsing roof, roasting vampires, burying herself in rubble.
74. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia’s wake. Community in attendance.
Bianca begins voodoo chant to bring her back. Fabien emerges through floor in gaseous form and turns into vampire/zombie.
Attendees scream and flee.
Zombie Fabien holds hand over Acadia’s body and key bruise/tattoo transfers from her wrist to his. Acadia’s body bursts into flame. Fabien looks triumphant just before Ben cuts off his head with revolutionary war sword, destroying him. Key bruise/tattoo disappears from Fabien’s wrist, and demonic tile in floor fuses with surrounding stone.
Only Ben and Bianca remain in room. Bianca says Acadia cannot be brought back.
75. INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT
Bianca performs voodoo to release Ben’s spirit from his body. The spirit is freed as the body turns to dust. It is time for Ben to go home. He is alone. He feels the loss that Acadia felt. It his time to be lonely.
76. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – CONTINUOUS
Ben’s spirit exits the mausoleum and sees Acadia’s spirit waiting. They embrace. They walk off hand-in-hand to music played by spirits of New Orleans jazz greats.
TURNING POINT: NEW STATUS QUO
— BEATS PULLED OUT —
Need to hint at Fabien’s relationship to this building and his problem:
OLD
15. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Knocking on door wakes up Acadia. Students, parents, and staff enter, offer support and ask her to stay. They say they will help.
While parents discuss things with Acadia, Fabien bangs on the door and demands to be invited in, which he is by teenage student Mia.
Fabien tries to charm Acadia and makes an offer to buy the property. Parents and students don’t like him. Community asks her to stay. Acadia stalls on Fabien’s generous offer and asks to be left alone.
Bianca arrives and is shocked when she sees Fabien.
NEW
…by teenage student Mia.
Fabien tries to charm Acadia and makes an offer to buy…
Mia mentions her mother, but we need to see her to establish sympathy for Mia’s plight.
NEW
19.B. Mia visits her Mom and gives her wad of money.
Detective Gomez needs to survive longer
OLD
28. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Detective confronts Fabien. Fabien has him taken prisoner. Bites his neck.
NEW
28. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Detective confronts Fabien. He’s on to Fabien’s tricks and just avoids being killed by Fabien.
Drop this and have Detective Gomez help Acadia and Bianca in assault on Fabien and have him die saving one of them.
32. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia calls police department and asks for detective. They haven’t seen him. She opens refrigerator and his severed head is there. Police return.
Too easy. Have the Voodoo capable Acadia wander off and Bianca and Ben have to coral her until she calms down.
OLD
45. MONTAGE
Acadia goes into voodoo “basic training”. Signs that she used to have faith. Under stress, she appears on the edge of insanity.
NEW
New demise for Gomez.
OLD
48. EXT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Acadia leads direct assault against club, but demons, thugs, and vampires drive them off.
NEW
48. EXT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Acadia leads direct assault against club, but demons, thugs, and vampires drive them off. Acadia and Bianca nearly fall to demons, but Gomez saves them, losing his life in the process.
Needs to be scarier.
OLD
74. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia’s wake. Community in attendance.
Bianca begins voodoo chant to bring her back. Fabien emerges through floor in gaseous form and turns into vampire/zombie.
Attendees scream and flee.
NEW
— NEW VERSION OF BEATS —
Mini-Movie 1 – Status Quo and Call to Adventure
1. EXT. IRAQ BATTLEFIELD – SERIES OF SHOTS
American soldier Acadia takes cover behind a low wall. Insurgent in a room covered in Satanic images fires on her.
Automatic weapons fire strikes her position. Ben arrives next to her. Their eyes meet briefly. Ben throws a grenade, and they rush the insurgent position.
They break into the insurgent’s position from behind and shoot him. As he dies his body bursts into flame and Acadia reacts to a pain on her arm.
Ben looks concerned. Acadia shakes it off.
FADE TO
2. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – DAY
Thunder. Ben’s funeral. Taps plays against background of cloudy sky. Acadia is comforted by Bianca who tries to get her to make the sign of the cross. Pain in her left arm. She looks at and touches an old bruise on her arm which resembles part of a key. Her mind drifts…
3. EXT. DREAM WORLD – MONTAGE
Acadia and Ben in civilian dress laugh together in a beautiful forest. They say their vows in a wedding. Ben waives goodbye from a jeep. Acadia and Ben at ribbon cutting of School for the Lively Arts. Children sing and dance. Ben in uniform boards a plane.
4. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – DAY
Rifles fire into air. Acadia handed folded flag and sees momentary supernatural vision. Ben’s coffin is carried into Wilder family mausoleum.
5. INT. MAUSOLEUM – CONTINUOUS
Honor guard enters mausoleum and are frightened by strange sounds and movements of other coffins.
6. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – CONTINUOUS
Acadia tries to regain composure as she receives condolences.
7. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Demonic face glowing in wall issues command to Fabien. He executes a captive offering a tribute of blood to the demon.
8.INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – CONTINUOUS
A stone floor tile moves. From below, a demon rises, savages inside of school and attacks a janitor.
9. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – CONTINUOUS
Only Acadia and Bianca remain. Bianca invites Acadia to stay with her tonight. She agrees.
10. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – MORNING
Acadia and Bianca return to the school to find it vandalized with threats painted on the wall. Acadia screams. Bianca tries to comfort her but notices things that make her suspect supernatural events. Acadia calls police.
11. EXT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – CONTINUOUS
Bianca passes Louis, the band leader, as she leaves. He finds students outside the school and tells them not to bother Acadia and to go home. They wander off.
12. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – CONTINUOUS
Acadia halfheartedly tries to clean-up. Louis comes in and suggests that the attack is supernatural in origin. Acadia rejects this violently.
13. EXT. GENTLEMEN’S CLUB – DAY
Fabien, from a shadowed doorway, accosts one of the wandering students and gives him a gift to deliver to Acadia.
14. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – LATER Student places gift, a small statue on a shelf. Acadia hears strange noises coming from beneath the floor. She blames her mental state.
Mini–Movie 2 – Locked into Conflict
15. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Knocking on door wakes up Acadia. Students, parents. and staff enter, offer support and ask her to stay. They say they will help.
While parents discuss things with Acadia, Fabien bangs on the door and demands to be invited in, which he is by teenage student Mia.
As Fabien enters, he pauses as a memory flashes into his brain of him as a young child standing naked in the middle of that room surrounded by Satanists. He continues.
Fabien tries to charm Acadia and makes an offer to buy the property. Parents and students don’t like him. Community asks her to stay. Acadia stalls on Fabien’s generous offer and asks to be left alone.
Bianca arrives and is shocked when she sees Fabien.
16. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – LATER
Bianca tries to warn Acadia about Fabien, but Acadia does not take the warning seriously.
17. INT. JAZZ CLUB – NIGHT
Mia meets with Fabien. Louis who performs there sees them together.
18. EXT. SCHOOL FOR THE LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Cab pulls up to the door where Louis and kids are cleaning graffiti. Cabby unloads luggage. Acadia has given up her apartment and prepares to live at the school. Cabby slides Acadia’s trunk over demonic tile.
19.INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – CONTINUOUS
Kids are performing on the stage.
Mia whispers something to one of the younger boys and he runs from the school.
Louis warns Acadia about Mia.
19.B. Mia visits her Mom and gives her wad of money.
20. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Fabien sits before glowing image on wall. Sacrifices a rat. One of Acadia’s students enters. Fabien rewards student with money and gives him a package. Fabien drips rat blood on alter.
21. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – LATER
Parent on ladder working on fixing lighting fixture gets bitten by a rat and grabs at electrical cord, gets electric shock. Falls.
22. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Emergency flashing light. Paramedics remove injured parent. Noah and other students crying. They share candy with Acadia. Acadia sits and sees vision of herself hanging.
Mia gives her a lead about the vandalism to investigate.
23. EXT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Bianca confronts Fabien, but he tries to recruit his old lover Bianca back to his side. She confirms her suspicions about his motivations.
24. EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Acadia follows up on lead from Mia and walks into an ambush. She fights her way out.
25. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Bianca finds Acadia making a hangman’s noose. Bianca reveals her Voodoo past to Acadia and offers to bring back Ben as a zombie to help her. Acadia suspects Bianca is crazy and fires her.
Acadia finds students who ate candy, sick and terrified. They tell her that Fabien gave them the candy. Now Acadia becomes angry and promises children she will not let this bad man hurt them again.
She swings the noose, knocks the sculpture Fabien gave her to the floor, shattering it. Throws the noose in the trash. Broken pieces of the sculpture glow with green light.
Mini-Movie 3: Standard Ways Fail
26. INT. SCHOOL FOR THE LIVELY ARTS – DAY
While waiting for police to show up, Acadia confronts Mia and tells her to get out.
Police arrive and Acadia tries to convive police of Fabien’s involvement. As they inspect the school one of the detectives recognizes a symbol burned into the door and promises to help.
27. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia construct traps and sets up cameras to catch vandals. Police detective sends a priest to help her, but she rejects the help. The Priest somehow knows things about Fabien and Acadia’s mother.
28. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Detective confronts Fabien. He’s on to Fabien’s tricks and just avoids being killed by Fabien.
29. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia reviews video recordings on computer. She sees Bianca hiding across the street keeping guard over the school. She regrets firing her. She runs out to look for her.
30. EXT. OUTSIDE OF IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Mia thanks Fabien and indicates understanding.
31. INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – NIGHT
Mia tells priest that she is going to tell people what he has done. He tries to dissuade her from the path she is on, revealing more knowledge of Fabien.
33. INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – DAY
Acadia goes to the church and looks for the priest. No-one know where he is. Acadia sees symbol that Detective noticed, carved into a tree outside the church.
Mini-Movie 4: Hero Forms a New Plan
34. EXT. NEAR SCHOOL FOR THE LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Acadia waits for Bianca. When she arrives, agrees to try things her way, as a rapprochement. She doesn’t believe this will work, but she wants Bianca’s help. Bianca agrees, but seems distant.
35. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Acadia asks why she has watched. Bianca reveals some things about Fabien, but fears Acadia will reject her again.
36. EXT. COMMUNITY GARDEN – NIGHT
Bianca is out gathering supplies for the ceremony, when she is confronted by Fabien. He offers to restore her youth and be with her forever. She rejects his offer, knows he wants to control the demon portal to take revenge on the city. She knows how to keep him at bay.
37. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – NIGHT
Acadia and Bianca enter Wilder family mausoleum.
38. INT. WILDER FAMILY MAUSOLEUM – CONTINUOUS
Bianca performs ceremony. When Ben reappears, Acadia thinks she’s gone mad and asks for proof. Ben shares with her things Bianca could not have known.
39. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – DAY
They debate over a plan to attack Fabien. The plan is vague, and Ben seems confused and spaced out.
40. EXT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
They attempt to scale tower to get to vampire vault. They are attacked by Gargoyle like creatures. Ben almost drops Acadia. Attack fails.
41. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
They retreat to the school defeated. Ben takes blame, not as strong as he used to be. The sculpture that Acadia shattered has somehow reassembled.
MID-POINT TURNING POINT: PLAN FAILS
MINI-MOVIE 5 – HERO RETREATS, ANTAGONIST PREVAILS – PAGES 60 — 75
42. EXT. STREET – NIGHT
While watching the In the Dark Club, Ben proposes to Acadia and Bianca that they bring back his ancestors who have fought in every war since the American Revolution.
Bianca has never tried to pull off something this big. She needs help. Convinces Acadia to go all in on the spirit world.
43. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Fabien realizes what Bianca has done. He calls his minions together and sets a trap.
44. EXT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Students perform for tourists walking by. Noah dressed like a knight. Fabien springs his trap, luring Acadia and Bianca into a tourist bus. He mocks them in front of the students and recruits some students. Fabien again demands Acadia sign over her property and she still refuses.
Noah creates distraction by driving his sword into the radiator of the bus, making it look like a cross. Acadia and Bianca escape.
Fabien leaves, but several parents also leave, saying the school is too dangerous. Acadia is losing support in the community.
45. Acadia goes into voodoo “basic training”. Signs that she used to have faith. Under stress, she appears on the edge of insanity, and wanders off exploring her new powers. Ben and Bianca have to hunt her down and get her under control.
46. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – NIGHT
Bianca and Acadia perform ceremony. Ben’s relatives are raised: Soldiers from Revolutionary, Civil War (north and south), WWI, WWII, Vietnam. New zombies are confused and begin to fight among themselves. Revolutionary and Civil War soldiers think they are enemies. Acadia quashes squabbling among Ben’s ancestors and takes command.
47. INT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Fabien performs ceremony asking his mentor for advice on dealing with zombies. Mentor can become powerful again if Fabien can control school and the cursed portal. Fabien will get revenge on New Orleans.
48. EXT. IN THE DARK GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Acadia leads direct assault against club, but demons, thugs, and vampires drive them off. Acadia and Bianca nearly fall to demons, but Gomez saves them, losing his life in the process.
49. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Someone obliterated WWI Zombie left to guard the school and Acadia’s trunk has been dumped. She recognizes a torn package which includes a picture of her mom and her mom’s crucifix, which she takes and puts on.
TURNING POINT: THE DECISION TO CHANGE
MINI-MOVIE 6 – HERO’S BIGGER, BETTER PLAN! – PAGES 75 — 90
50. INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – NIGHT
Acadia enters pew and prays. Missing Priest comes out of hiding, gives her a map showing portal upon which her school rests. Reveals curse. Shows her bruise on his wrist.
Tells her he is her father, but she misunderstands.
Transfers bruise from his wrist, and power to Acadia. Bruise on her wrist becomes sharp like a tattoo of a key. As he walks away, he busts into flames.
51. INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT
Fabien conducts false flag operation, taking advantages of the zombie’s prejudices, making them think they are being used for evil.
52. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – NIGHT
Confederate and Union zombies fight among themselves
Acadia and Ben arrive, restore order. Explain plan. Zombies express regret at being brought back. Acadia appeals again for their help.
53. EXT. BEHIND GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Truck pulls up with supplies, Acadia driving. She unloads boxes, getting access to the club.
54. INT. BACKROOM GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Acadia hides, searches for coffins. Notices rotting beams in tower, almost falling off of one. Locates coffins. Places explosive. As she leaves, she is observed by Mia.
55. EXT. STREET NEAR GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Acadia and Ben waiting to hear explosion.
56. EXT. ROOF OF GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Mia appears with explosive and throws it down to street.
57. EXT. STREET NEAR GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Explosion destroys cars and hurts people. Panic. Police arriving.
58. EXT. STREET NEAR GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAY
Acadia helps wounded. Finds her favorite student, Noah, dying.
59. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – NIGHT
Acadia tells Ben all is lost. Wants to leave. Ben’s zombie relatives appear and ask to be released back to the spirit world.
TURNING POINT: THE ULTIMATE FAILURE
MINI-MOVIE 7 – CRISIS AND CLIMAX – PAGES 90 – 105
60. EXT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Sign: Farewell Concert – School Closing. Sad families and kids enter. Bianca tells them Acadia will be there soon. Time to say goodbye. Some students and parents still don’t want her to go and not everyone knows she has been fighting Fabien.
61. INT. MAUSOLEUM – DAY
Acadia thanking Ben and his relatives. Door slammed shut. Locked from outside by Fabien minion.
Acadia and Ben struggle with door.
62. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
As kids perform, smoke emerges from around demonic tile on floor. Kids and parents pass out.
63. INT. MAUSOLEUM – DAY
Revolutionary war zombie opens door with sword. Gives sword to Ben.
64. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia rushes in. Everyone gone. Sculpture delivers message from Fabien. Has children, will kill them unless Acadia signs over her property and sets off a bomb during a Mardi Gras parade
Acadia and Ben hatch new plan and give it one last try.
65. INT. MAUSOLEUM – DAY
Acadia and Ben look for Bianca and find zombies decided not to be released and are still there. New plan.
66. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia makes reservation for bachelor party.
MINI-MOVIE 8 – NEW STATUS QUO – PAGES 105 – 120
67. INT. FOYER OF GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Acadia and team arrive in masks for bachelor party. Some masks conceal military style radios. Bouncer wants them to pass through metal detector. Bianca knocks out bouncer.
68. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Soldier/Zombies are entertained. Dancers discover peculiar guests and realize they are performing for Zombies. Look for Fabien. Not there. Vampires out hunting.
69. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB TOWER- NIGHT
Acadia discovers imprisoned kids. Radios Ben their location and asks for help.
70. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – NIGHT
Ben and relatives start up stairs but dancers turn demonic and they must fight their way toward kids.
71. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB TOWER – NIGHT
Acadia finds vampire coffins. Attaches explosives to rotting beam. The trap is set to destroy the vampires but kids are still in the building. Have to wait.
72. EXT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB – DAWN
Bats fly in through window.
73. INT. GENTLEMAN’S CLUB TOWER – DAWN
Bats surround Acadia and take on vampire form. Mia is now a vampire. They threaten and hurt Acadia.
As Vampires taunt her, Acadia hears radio message from Ben. Kids are safe. Acadia sets off explosives, collapsing roof, roasting vampires, burying herself in rubble.
74. INT. SCHOOL FOR LIVELY ARTS – DAY
Acadia’s wake. Community in attendance.
Bianca begins voodoo chant to bring her back. Ben does not want to watch and walks into next room. Fabien emerges through floor in gaseous form and turns into vampire/zombie.
Fabien threatens attendees, backing them into a corner, promising to give them a horrible death. He then turns to Acadia’s body.
Zombie Fabien holds hand over Acadia’s body and key bruise/tattoo transfers from her wrist to his. Acadia’s body bursts into flame. Fabien looks triumphant just before Ben cuts off his head with revolutionary war sword, destroying him. Key bruise/tattoo disappears from Fabien’s wrist, and demonic tile in floor fuses with surrounding stone and demon picture fades away.
Only Ben and Bianca remain in room. Bianca says Acadia cannot be brought back.
75. INT. MAUSOLEUM – NIGHT
Bianca performs voodoo to release Ben’s spirit from his body. The spirit is freed as the body turns to dust. It is time for Ben to go home. He is alone. He feels the loss that Acadia felt. It his time to be lonely.
76. EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – CONTINUOUS
Ben’s spirit exits the mausoleum and sees Acadia’s spirit waiting. They embrace. They walk off hand-in-hand to music played by spirits of New Orleans jazz greats.
TURNING POINT: NEW STATUS QUO
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DAY 3
Subject: Greg’s Story Beats.
What I learned – Creating a beat sheet allowed me to identify scenes that would better serve the story by modifying them, moving them or loosing them.
BEAT SHEET FOR THE LAST DOGFIGHT
1. Opening montage grainy B&W film of WWI pilots. A dogfight. A plane is shot down. A funeral and 21 gun salute, fade to…
2. TEXT OVER BLACK: “If any question why we died. Tell them because our fathers lied.” RUDYARD KIPLING 1918.
3. SILENCE EXPLODES into an APOCALYPTIC ROAR. Two Air Force F-4 Phantoms are tangled in a dogfight over pale desert topography.
CHYRON: NEVADA 1972
4. INT. PURSUING F-4 – DAY
In the front seat lieutenant SCOTT CONNALLY 22. In the backseat his W.S.O. BUTCH, also 22.
Connally nearly crashes while showing off. Flying very low the jet’s afterburners blow torch a semi hauling crates of chickens, sending it sliding into oncoming lanes, causing a huge pile up.
5. INT. SQUADRON COMMANDER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Connally is demoted and loses his pilot status. He’s assigned to be a backseater in Vietnam.
6. EXT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO – AIRBORNE – DAY
A small Grey Cessna flies through scattered clouds.
7. INT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO – CONTINUOUS
Wearing remarkably unflattering military issue glasses, MAGGIE, 22, stares at the monotonous jungle scrolling below. At the controls of the plane is Prof. The top pilot of the 432nd fighter wing.
8. INT. UDORN CONTROL TOWER – CONTINUOUS
SIRENS HOWL, ENGINES ROAR. Crash and rescue trucks rush below.
9. INT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO
The control tower tells them to look out for an F-105 inbound with an emergency. The jet thunders past leaving a trail of black smoke.
10. INT. WILD WEASEL – CONTINUOUS
The pilot, MAD, is the guy you want on your side in a bar fight. The Kentuckian is 31 the hard way. In the rear cockpit, is STRAWMAN. The Don Knottsion is 26.
11. EXT. UDORN AIR FORCE BASE – MOMENTS LATER
The F-105 touches down. catches fire. Mad and Strawman escape moments before it EXPLODES.
The Cessna passes on a nearby taxiway.
12. INT. BIRDDOG 02
Maggie cautiously rises from under the instrument panel. Prof slams to a stop. A large chunk of debris SMASHES onto the taxiway a few feet ahead. He taxis around it.
As he passes buy a hitchhiking Mad and Strawman they flip him off. She asks if this is normal. Prof says “No I normally pick up hitchhikers, but those guys look shady.”
13. EXT. UDORN AIR BASE – OFFICERS CLUB
Maggie and the main characters meet and provide exposition about the Byzantine bureaucracy, flawed weapons and insufficient training.
A shit faced Connally bumps into Maggie and makes a crude proposal.
We discover Maggie is heading implementing a new, top secret weapon system.
Connelly is at the bar buying a beer when he overhears Strawman tell her there’s one thing a pilot never does before a sortie. He never talks about what he’s going to do after the mission.
A group photo is taken, photobombed by Connelly.
14. INT. CLASSROOM
Once again his own worst enemy Connally thinks he’s too cool for GIB school. His arrogance smacked when Prof and Maggie conspire to teach him a lesson while he’s in the flight simulator. The class gets a laugh but Connelly decides Prof is public enemy number one.
15. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – DAY
Spiker sits in the back seat of an F-4. The pilot up front is TILDEN, a colonel who got the seat through politics rather than merit. Being inept, he uses too much thrust taxying out of the revetment blowing over a large fire extinguisher sending it blasting down the flight line narrowly missing a trailer stacked with bombs.
16, EXT. OFFICER’S QUARTERS – EVENING
Spiker begs Prof to pull strings so he won’t have to fly with TILDEN who is “more dangerous than the fuckin’ enemy”. Prof ignores Spiker’s plies.
17. INT. PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM – DAY
The first mission. Connally is livid that he’ll be flying with Prof. When he runs his mouth Prof gives him a dressing down that shakes Connally.
In the briefing we find out that the President has decided on a massive escalation of the air war.
18. INT./EXT. SABER FLIGHT – AIRBORNE – DAY
Early in the mission Colonel Tilden causes a midair with another F-4 decapitating himself and Spiker. Butch ejects but his parachute fails. Connally makes eye contact with him as he falls to his death.
A big air to air action scene. At one point we’re sure Prof and Connally are blown apart by a surface to air missile. They break out of the clouds like a phoenix.
19. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – AFTERNOON
After the mission Connally is trembling so bad he can’t unbuckle his harness. He pushes away a crew chief who tries to help.
20. EXT. A VACANT REVETMENT – THAT EVENING
Connally sits alone surrounded by a dozen empty beer cans. He makes a disdainful poetic toast, shouts that he should have been in the front seat, not some fucking ham fisted tourist. He finally cries.
21. INT. OFFICERS CLUB – LATER
Connally staggering drunk decks a superior officer in front of Prof, Maggie and the others. Mad tries to get the officer to let it go but the officer has him arrested.
INT. COLONEL GILLETTE’S OFFICE – MORNING
Prof goes to the CO to ask him to give Connally another chance. The speak “off the clock” Prof expresses his concern over the way the war is being run by Washington. When he becomes overwrought Gillette has to cut him off.
22. EXT. COLONEL GILLETTE’S OFFICE – LATER
Maggie runs into Prof as he exits the Colonel’s office. She tells him that she thinks Connally is going to be okay.
23. EXT. UDORN MILITARY POLICE STATION – MORNING
Connally exits. Prof is waiting to give him a ride.
24. INT. OFFICER’S DINER
The base radio plays in the BG. Connally thinks this is his ‘last breakfast’ before he’s sent home to be dishonorably discharged. But the charges were dropped.
They have a bonding conversation.
STATIC blares from the radio. A DEEP BOOM rattles the dishes.
25. EXT. OFFICER’S DINER – CONTINUOUS
When they go outside, black smoke rises over rooftops. An F-4 has crashed into the radio station.
26. EXT. AIRBORNE – DUSK
Prof and Connally fly a test mission for the Combat Tree. They face a real life worst case scenario he screwed up back in the simulator.
They become to first to use the Tree to shoot down a Mig, but the fuel system is damaged. Calculations say there’s insufficient fuel to make it back. With a tail wind and cleaver airmanship they barely make it home through a vicious storm.
27. INT. OFFICERS CLUB – NIGHT
A big celebration over the Mig kill. Prof now has two. And Connally got his first. They play “dead bug”. Connally loses and has to buy the bar a round.
He bumps into Maggie. This time things go much better, but she still gets the best of him. On the mission she’d heard him shout ‘Chance’ several times over a hot mic. Because of her, he is given the call sign CHANCE.
28. INT. PROF AND MAD’S HOOCH – NIGHT
By way of making him look foolish Chance is welcomed into the cadre. Prof gives him a copy to the DICTA BOELCKE, a rare handbook from WWI that dictates the rules of air to air combat.
29. INT. INTEL OFFICE – DAY
Connally surprises Maggie when shows up at her desk to personally deliver a mission report.
30. EXT. ORCHID FARM – DAY
Connally borrows Prof’s car to take Maggie on a date to an orchid farm. They witness a young local girl gravely injured in a hit and run by jeep full of drunk airman.
31. INT./EXT. CITROEN – DAY
They are forced to crash the base gate to get the girl to the hospital in time. MP give chase.
32. INT. UDORN HOSPITAL – DAY
The nurse insists the facility is for Air Force personnel only. A doctor enters to see what all the arguing is about. He escorts them into the emergency room. The MPs barge into the waiting room just missing them.
33. INT./EXT. A DIM ROOM – NIGHT
Connally and Maggie make love under silk sheets. It turns out they’re in an equipment shed just of the end of the runway. The silk sheet is a parachute.
34. EXT. NEAR THE BORDER OF NORTH VIETNAM – DAY
Prof and Connally are on a reconnaissance flight when they’re directed to assist in a rescue of a downed F-4 crew. The downed pilots turn out to be Ramrod and Duff. Duff has been killed by the enemy trying to escape. Ramrod is on top of a hill with an enemy convoy closing on a cliffside road.
Out of ordinance Prof asks Connally if he has any suggestions.
35. EXT. TRUCK CONVOY – DAY
The jet flies inches over the trucks using it’s afterburners to toss the trucks down the cliff. The very thing that got Connally demoted.
36. EXT. JOLLY ONE – DAY
As Ramrod is winched up, bullets rack the doorway killing the winch operator. A Rocket Propelled Grenade hits the chopper it crashes killing everyone including Ramrod.
37. EXT. SABER ONE
The F-4 soars above the towering ephemeral monument of coal black smoke billowing from the jungle below.
38. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – DAY
A police jeep pulls up to Prof. He’s suspected of crashing the gate and evading the police.
Page 77 of 125. Ran out of time, I’ll post the rest ASAP
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Gregory’s Beat Sheet
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I really need to work on my pacing because some beats are shorter than others. Plus my structure problems were made pretty clear to me here. But hey, reason to celebrate!
Title: HOME IS WHERE THE HEART STOPS
(might change this to HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE)
Logline: When a small town detective comes across a murder case, he races to solve it before his rival gumshoe can. But when the detective discovers his own wife did the deed, the detective decides to protect his spouse rather than abide by the law he’s sworn to uphold.
BEAT SHEET
1. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor leaves the house for work but before he does so his wife Mallory slips their wedding photo into his wallet. Seems like they are planning something special tonight
2. INT./EXT. CLUB – NIGHT
A mysterious woman seduces a young, suspecting young man from the dance floor to the back alley where she kills him with a knife.
3. INT. APARTMENT- NIGHT
Connor celebrates at his old partner’s retirement party. He gets a call and has to leave the party early.
4. EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT
Connor arrives at the murder scene where police officers Paul and Will keep a crowd back. Connor finds a long lady’s glove in a dumpster and bags it as evidence.
5. INT. GAS STATION – NIGHT
Connor finds and confiscates a security tape from the gas station across the street that seems to capture part of the murder.
6. INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Connor gets Will to submit an unchecked Manila envelope containing the bloody glove as evidence in a locker at the station
7. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor returns home to find Mallory sitting in the kitchen, covered with someone else’s blood! Turns out their special plans were for Mallory to commit murder and for Connor to help her get away with it. And they are super casual about the whole thing!
8. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Mallory is very much in the mood. Killing is apparently an aphrodisiac for her! So much so she wants to murder more but Connor is worried that he can’t keep covering for her.
9. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor and Mallory make up after their little fight and Connor promises he will be home for dinner at time that night.
10. EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Mallory waters her roses as her neighbor Shannon waters her own flowers too. It’s clear these two are rivals both regarding growing roses and barking competitions.
11. INT. BAR – NIGHT
Connor goes out drinking with Paul and Will, and at the bar he almost gets into a fight with a stranger. This is Weston who reveals himself to be a detective. Connor has too much to drink and forgets about the date night with his wife.
12. INT. CLUB – NIGHT
Slighted by Connor blowing off their dinner, Mallory goes out to a club by herself where she runs into Shannon and the young man she’s trying to seduce. The young man (Chad) likes Mallory more and Mallory decides to take him home.
13. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Mallory resists Chad’s charms, and when he comes onto her aggressively she kills him.
14. EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Will drives Connor, who’s too drunk to drive, home. Connor instructs Will to wait outside but then knock on the front door after three minutes to make sure Connor and Mallory’s impending fight doesn’t get out of hand.
15. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor comes in to the bloody mess that is Mallory’s murder. There’s a mad scramble to hide the body and clean the blood when Will comes knocking. They successfully conceal it until Will is gone.
16. EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory bury the body in some nearby woods. Mallory wants to leave one of her bloody gloves so Connor lets her. They don’t notice but they’re being followed.
17. INT. POLICE STATION- DAY
The police Captain Davis calls a meeting for everyone to be on the look out for a VIP missing person. Turns out that Chad is the son of somebody important and now Weston and all the cops are out looking for him.
18. INT. CLUB – DAY
Connor accompanies Weston when conducting interviews of the staff of the club where Chad was last seen. Connor does whatever he can to muddle the witness testimony. Connor also receives a blackmail note from an anonymous party demanding a meeting.
19. INT. CABIN IN THE WOODS – DAY
Connor meets with the writer of the blackmail note, a strange man named Gummy Joe. Connor gets into an altercation with Joe and winds up killing him.
20. EXT. WOODS – DAY
Weston and Captain Davis run into Connor on his way back to town. Apparently Gummy Joe had set a rendezvous with them in the woods. Captain Davis’s lap dog Pumpkin Spice finds the body of Chad and alerts Weston and Captain Davis.
21. EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
A forensics team digs up Chad’s body. Weston is delighted with this latest development but Connor is morose, using the excuse that they have to tell Chad’s parents that their boy is dead.
22. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Deciding to keep their enemies close, Mallory and Connor have Weston over for dinner. Once or twice Mallory is tempted to kill Weston but Connor stays her hand.
23. INT. MORGUE – DAY
Connor and Weston visit the coroner’s place where the mortician gets a report of hair and skin samples collected off of Chad’s body along with a bloody glove that was recovered.
24. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Shannon comes forward and reports to Captain Davis that Mallory was the last one to Chad alive. Mallory is brought in for questioning and she denies leaving the club with Chad. She calls on Officer Will to confirm that no suspicious activity was occurring the night he drove Connor home.
25. EXT. SHANNON’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor hops his fence over to Shannon’s backyard and plants the matching bloody glove in her rose bushes.
26. INT. SHANNON’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor persuades Weston to interview Shannon at her house, and there Weston finds the bloody glove in the rose bushes. Shannon is arrested.
27. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory have Weston over for dinner again only this time Weston happens upon a class ring, which Weston recognizes as Chad’s. He says his goodbyes to Connor and Mallory but not before snatching two strains of hair from Mallory’s head.
28. INT. MORGUE – DAY
Weston hands Mallory’s hair over to the mortician to run a DNA analysis and see if it matches with the hair found in Chad’s fist.
29. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Weston discovers that Connor has not been submitting evidence on previous murder cases and recruits Paul and Will to help take Connor down. Connor either overhears this conversation or otherwise catches wind of it.
30. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – DAY
Connor and Mallory plot to poison Weston.
31. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Mallory delivers some rice crispy treats to the station and makes it clear to Will and Paul that they are for Weston only.
32. EXT. BAR – NIGHT
Having confirmed it was Mallory’s hair in Chad’s fist when he was murdered, Weston ambushes Connor outside his favorite watering hole and confronts it. Connor confesses to committing the murder himself but Weston doesn’t believe him. Weston has Connor drive Weston back to Connor’s house to confront Mallory.
33. INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Paul, Will and Captain Davis all die because they ate the poison rice crispy treats meant for Weston. Shannon uses the opportunity to escape.
34. INT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Shannon blunders into Weston’s confrontation with Mallory & Connor where it looks like Weston might just kill them both. Connor tackles Weston to the ground and winds up killing him. Shannon attacks Mallory for framing her but Mallory winds up killing Shannon in self defense.
35. EXT. CONNOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Connor and Mallory drive off, fugitives from the law but they’re in it together.
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DAY 3
Subject: Greg’s Story Beats
What I learned – Creating a beat sheet allowed me to identify scenes that would better serve the story by modifying them, moving them or loosing them. Writing out the beats was time consuming because I was making the corrections to the script as I went. Because I missed the instructions about listing the changes at the bottom I didn’t note the changes as I went. I’ll be sure to do it for the rest of the script.
BEAT SHEET FOR THE LAST DOGFIGHT
Logline:
Based on real events this gritty account follows fighter pilots in Vietnam struggling to survive a deadly enemy, Byzantine bureaucracy, flawed weapons and inner demons that just might be the worst of all.
1. Opening montage grainy B&W film of WWI pilots. A dogfight. A plane is shot down. A funeral and 21 gun salute, fade to…
2. TEXT OVER BLACK: “If any question why we died. Tell them because our fathers lied.” RUDYARD KIPLING 1918.
3. SILENCE EXPLODES into an APOCALYPTIC ROAR. Two Air Force F-4 Phantoms are tangled in a dogfight over pale desert topography.
CHYRON: NEVADA 1972
4. INT. PURSUING F-4 – DAY
In the front seat lieutenant SCOTT CONNALLY 22. In the backseat his W.S.O. BUTCH, also 22.
Connally nearly crashes while showing off. Flying very low the jet’s afterburners blow torch a semi hauling crates of chickens, sending it sliding into oncoming lanes, causing a huge pile up.
5. INT. SQUADRON COMMANDER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Connally is demoted and loses his pilot status. He’s assigned to be a backseater in Vietnam.
6. EXT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO – AIRBORNE – DAY
A small Grey Cessna flies through scattered clouds.
7. INT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO – CONTINUOUS
Wearing remarkably unflattering military issue glasses, MAGGIE, 22, stares at the monotonous jungle scrolling below. At the controls of the plane is Prof. The top pilot of the 432nd fighter wing.
8. INT. UDORN CONTROL TOWER – CONTINUOUS
SIRENS HOWL, ENGINES ROAR. Crash and rescue trucks rush below.
9. INT. BIRDDOG ZERO TWO
The control tower tells them to look out for an F-105 inbound with an emergency. The jet thunders past leaving a trail of black smoke.
10. INT. WILD WEASEL – CONTINUOUS
The pilot, MAD, is the guy you want on your side in a bar fight. The Kentuckian is 31 the hard way. In the rear cockpit, is STRAWMAN. The Don Knottsion is 26.
11. EXT. UDORN AIR FORCE BASE – MOMENTS LATER
The F-105 touches down. catches fire. Mad and Strawman escape moments before it EXPLODES.
The Cessna passes on a nearby taxiway.
12. INT. BIRDDOG 02
Maggie cautiously rises from under the instrument panel. Prof slams to a stop. A large chunk of debris SMASHES onto the taxiway a few feet ahead. He taxis around it.
As he passes buy a hitchhiking Mad and Strawman they flip him off. She asks if this is normal. Prof says “No I normally pick up hitchhikers, but those guys look shady.”
13. EXT. UDORN AIR BASE – OFFICERS CLUB
Maggie and the main characters meet and provide exposition about the Byzantine bureaucracy, flawed weapons and insufficient training.
A shit faced Connally bumps into Maggie and makes a crude proposal.
We discover Maggie is heading implementing a new, top secret weapon system.
Connelly is at the bar buying a beer when he overhears Strawman tell her there’s one thing a pilot never does before a sortie. He never talks about what he’s going to do after the mission.
A group photo is taken, photobombed by Connelly.
14. INT. CLASSROOM
Once again his own worst enemy Connally thinks he’s too cool for GIB school. His arrogance smacked when Prof and Maggie conspire to teach him a lesson while he’s in the flight simulator. The class gets a laugh but Connelly decides Prof is public enemy number one.
15. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – DAY
Spiker sits in the back seat of an F-4. The pilot up front is TILDEN, a colonel who got the seat through politics rather than merit. Being inept, he uses too much thrust taxying out of the revetment blowing over a large fire extinguisher sending it blasting down the flight line narrowly missing a trailer stacked with bombs.
16, EXT. OFFICER’S QUARTERS – EVENING
Spiker begs Prof to pull strings so he won’t have to fly with TILDEN who is “more dangerous than the fuckin’ enemy”. Prof ignores Spiker’s plies.
17. INT. PILOTS BRIEFING ROOM – DAY
The first mission. Connally is livid that he’ll be flying with Prof. When he runs his mouth Prof gives him a dressing down that shakes Connally.
In the briefing we find out that the President has decided on a massive escalation of the air war.
18. INT./EXT. SABER FLIGHT – AIRBORNE – DAY
Early in the mission Colonel Tilden causes a midair with another F-4 decapitating himself and Spiker. Butch ejects but his parachute fails. Connally makes eye contact with him as he falls to his death.
A big air to air action scene. At one point we’re sure Prof and Connally are blown apart by a surface to air missile. They break out of the clouds like a phoenix.
19. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – AFTERNOON
After the mission Connally is trembling so bad he can’t unbuckle his harness. He pushes away a crew chief who tries to help.
20. EXT. A VACANT REVETMENT – THAT EVENING
Connally sits alone surrounded by a dozen empty beer cans. He makes a disdainful poetic toast, shouts that he should have been in the front seat, not some fucking ham fisted tourist. He finally cries.
21. INT. OFFICERS CLUB – LATER
Connally staggering drunk decks a superior officer in front of Prof, Maggie and the others. Mad tries to get the officer to let it go but the officer has him arrested.
INT. COLONEL GILLETTE’S OFFICE – MORNING
Prof goes to the CO to ask him to give Connally another chance. The speak “off the clock” Prof expresses his concern over the way the war is being run by Washington. When he becomes overwrought Gillette has to cut him off.
22. EXT. COLONEL GILLETTE’S OFFICE – LATER
Maggie runs into Prof as he exits the Colonel’s office. She tells him that she thinks Connally is going to be okay.
23. EXT. UDORN MILITARY POLICE STATION – MORNING
Connally exits. Prof is waiting to give him a ride.
24. INT. OFFICER’S DINER
The base radio plays in the BG. Connally thinks this is his ‘last breakfast’ before he’s sent home to be dishonorably discharged. But the charges were dropped.
They have a bonding conversation.
STATIC blares from the radio. A DEEP BOOM rattles the dishes.
25. EXT. OFFICER’S DINER – CONTINUOUS
When they go outside, black smoke rises over rooftops. An F-4 has crashed into the radio station.
26. EXT. AIRBORNE – DUSK
Prof and Connally fly a test mission for the Combat Tree. They face a real life worst case scenario he screwed up back in the simulator.
They become to first to use the Tree to shoot down a Mig, but the fuel system is damaged. Calculations say there’s insufficient fuel to make it back. With a tail wind and cleaver airmanship they barely make it home through a vicious storm.
27. INT. OFFICERS CLUB – NIGHT
A big celebration over the Mig kill. Prof now has two. And Connally got his first. They play “dead bug”. Connally loses and has to buy the bar a round.
He bumps into Maggie. This time things go much better, but she still gets the best of him. On the mission she’d heard him shout ‘Chance’ several times over a hot mic. Because of her, he is given the call sign CHANCE.
28. INT. PROF AND MAD’S HOOCH – NIGHT
By way of making him look foolish Chance is welcomed into the cadre. Prof gives him a copy to the DICTA BOELCKE, a rare handbook from WWI that dictates the rules of air to air combat.
29. INT. INTEL OFFICE – DAY
Connally surprises Maggie when shows up at her desk to personally deliver a mission report.
30. EXT. ORCHID FARM – DAY
Connally borrows Prof’s car to take Maggie on a date to an orchid farm. They witness a young local girl gravely injured in a hit and run by jeep full of drunk airman.
31. INT./EXT. CITROEN – DAY
They are forced to crash the base gate to get the girl to the hospital in time. MP give chase.
32. INT. UDORN HOSPITAL – DAY
The nurse insists the facility is for Air Force personnel only. A doctor enters to see what all the arguing is about. He escorts them into the emergency room. The MPs barge into the waiting room just missing them.
33. INT./EXT. A DIM ROOM – NIGHT
Connally and Maggie make love under silk sheets. It turns out they’re in an equipment shed just of the end of the runway. The silk sheet is a parachute.
34. EXT. NEAR THE BORDER OF NORTH VIETNAM – DAY
Prof and Connally are on a reconnaissance flight when they’re directed to assist in a rescue of a downed F-4 crew. The downed pilots turn out to be Ramrod and Duff. Duff has been killed by the enemy trying to escape. Ramrod is on top of a hill with an enemy convoy closing on a cliffside road.
Out of ordinance Prof asks Connally if he has any suggestions.
35. EXT. TRUCK CONVOY – DAY
The jet flies inches over the trucks using it’s afterburners to toss the trucks down the cliff. The very thing that got Connally demoted.
36. EXT. JOLLY ONE – DAY
As Ramrod is winched up, bullets rack the doorway killing the winch operator. A Rocket Propelled Grenade hits the chopper it crashes killing everyone including Ramrod.
37. EXT. SABER ONE
The F-4 soars above the towering ephemeral monument of coal black smoke billowing from the jungle below.
38. EXT. UDORN FLIGHT LINE – DAY
A police jeep pulls up to Prof. He’s suspected of crashing the gate and evading the police.
I got to page 77 of 125 before I ran out of time, I’ll post the rest ASAP
Starting from the end flag the beats that need help.
In beat 13. I decided to introduced Maggie and Connally to establish they’re arc earlier in the story.
I switched beats 30 and 33 because I had the love scene before the first date scene.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Greg Kanaga.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Frank Gaide – Story Beats
What I learned: The “separating out” process is a natural extension of restructuring my story. Working backwards through the beats not only allowed me to improve scenes with fresh ideas but provided me more clarity about the story’s meaning.
LOGLINE:
When an aimless young thief and his cut-throat brother get trapped on a boat with a million dollars in mob money and four dangerous strangers scheming to eliminate each other, he must decide who he can trust to survive.
THE UGLY BOAT
CURRENT STORY BEATS:
1 – EXT. PENINSULA BEACH – CAPE COD – DAWN
As a powerful summer storm cuts out to sea a man cherry picks debris from a shipwreck left behind. A dead body rises into his face!
VO by young married man, Terri, explaining the danger of want for money.
2 – INT./EXT. STATE POLICE VEHICLE – DRIVING – DAWN
Detective (Mick) McSorley (50) and his partner, Detective Boychuk (45) rush to the crime scene on the beach.
3 – EXT. PENINSULA BEACH – MINUTES LATER
Mick and Boychuk join local Sheriff and Police and Harbormaster. They surround the badly burned corpse wondering who it is. Angry, Mick orders a search party across the tip of Cape Cod and out at sea.
VO by young married man, Terri, ends.
DAY BEFORE
4 – EXT. MULLENS CLUB – SOUTH BOSTON, MA – NIGHT
Fitz (40) a brick shithouse and a wily Old Goon (50) beat Ronni (24) with clubs. Ronni’s a big guy for his age. And mean. The beat down ends.
Ronni disappears into a nearby liquor store. The other guys enter the club.
5 – INT. MULLENS CLUB – NIGHT
Intro Red, the local mob boss, in shadow with his criminal gang. As they discuss how tough Ronni is, Ronni smashes Red’s car with a liquor bottle.
6 – EXT. GRANARY BURIAL GROUND – BOSTON PROPER – NIGHT
Ronni, his brother, Terri (22), and Ronni’s young moll, Rose (21) steal Paul Revere’s headstone from a tourist cemetery and hide it in a basement to sell back to the city of Boston… It’s July 4<sup>th</sup>!
7 – EXT. BOSTON HARBOR – NIGHT
Miles offshore. We get a first glimpse of Red, meanness personified, as he and his gang oversee a drug smuggling operation between two trawlers. One of them is named ‘The Ugly Boat’.
8 – EXT. STREET – SOUTH BOSTON – NIGHT
Outside Rose’s house. Terri, Ronni and Rose arrive in an Uber, half drunk. Ronni assaults the driver and scares him away without paying the fare.
9 – INT. MULLENS CLUB – NIGHT
After hours. The Old Goon stops beating a guy when Red and Fitz arrive. Red cuts the guy free for giving him needed information about the police drug unit. The guy is a cop. He thanks Red.
10 – INT. ROSE’S APARTMENT – SOUTH BOSTON – NIGHT
Terri, Ronni, and Rose party with booze. Ronni tries to pimp off Rose to Terri. Rose gets pissed. Angry and threatening, Ronni goes to bed.
Terri and Rose wake up early morning. Rose scared she might have crossed a line with Terri. Terri scared to go home to his young wife, Kat.
11 – EXT. SOUTH BOSTON STREET – MORNING
Walking home Terri is chased by Red, Fitz, and the Old Goon in Red’s smashed car. They tell him that Ronni is a wanted man. Terri gets away, cursing after them.
12 – INT. TERRI’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Run down. Used everything. His young wife, Kat (20), and disabled child, Bryanne (2) don’t believe he was working all night at the Boston Globe newspaper. This is nothing new. It’s destroying the marriage. He sleeps.
13 – EXT./INT. BOSTON FISH PIER – THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
Deserted pier on July 4<sup>th</sup> holiday. Owner of this 40-foot trawler is Diesel (60). He’s shacked up with his moll, Izzy (40s) who hates her husband. They get a phone call from Red. Diesel is skeptical, but Izzy is overjoyed.
They leave the boat to go celebrate over lunch in the North End waterfront.
14 – TERRI’S APERTMENT- DAY
Kat is skeptical that Terri’s hanging around with Ronni and his scams again instead of finding a job. Terri fails to admit the truth about work to Kat. She warns him about leaving their marriage behind.
He makes a solemn promise to meet her at Bryanne’s doctor after work. They make up.
15 – EXT. STREETS – SOUTH BOSTON – DAY
Terri, in his work clothes, is heading back to Ronni at Rose’s apartment when Red and his goons beat the shite out of him.
16 – INT./EXT. ROSE’S APARTMENT – DAY
As Ronni and Terri get high on the back porch, they decide to ransom back Paul Revere’s headstone to quiet Red. But the city of Boston doesn’t care if they stole it: they’ll just replace it with another one. Ronni has a new plan.
17 – INT. BOUTIQUE NAIL SALON – DAY
Rose gets a phone call from Ronni. Then intentionally cuts off the tip of a lady’s toe to get out of work early.
18 – EXT. THREE DECKER – ROSE’S HOUSE – DAY
Terri, scared, and Ronni, nonplussed, wait outside until Rose pulls up in an old SUV.
19 – EXT. A STREET – SOUTH BOSTON – DAY
Red and Fitz pick up a duffle from an auto body shop.
20 – EXT. NORTH END STREETS – BOSTON – DAY
Diesel and Izzy wander into the North End with hundreds of other tourists.
21 – EXT./INT. BANK – NORTH END STREETS – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Izzy rob a bank. Escape into the tourist filled streets with police giving chase.
22 – INT. RESTAURANT – BOUTIQUE HOTEL – DAY
Tony and Izzy watch the police cruisers race down the street.
23 – EXT. NORTH ENDS STREETS – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Rose run into a wall of tourists outside Old North Church. Sirens echoing throughout the neighborhood has everyone on edge.
Ronni drops the cash. It scatters.
24 – EXT. NORTH ENDS STREET – DAY
Diesel and Izzy exit the boutique hotel, holding hands.
25 – EXT. NORTH END WATERFRONT – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Rose exit a café rear and run to last street before the waterfront. They stare hopelessly at Boston harbor and the fish pier below.
26 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – FISH PIER – DAY
Diesel and Izzy reach the boat. Izzy backs inside, kissing Diesel.
Diesel and Izzy kiss madly when Red and Fitz enter with the duffle. Red discusses their smuggling operation and gives them the money.
All the while, Ronni, Terri, and Rose listen and spy from behind a berth door and decide to overtake Red, et al, when they go outside to inspect the hidden bales of drugs on deck.
Terri is the only member that doesn’t like the idea but feels the need to hold onto his family is greater than the threat.
27 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
Ronni follows Red and Fitz out to the deck, while Terri and Rose subdue Diesel and Izzy. It must be noted that Ronni and Rose have guns.
DECK
Ronni beats on Red after being insulted and tosses Fitz into the water to drown.
DEN/GALLEY
Terri and Rose search inside for weapons and money.
Ronni and Red return.
Red tied up. Diesel refuses to take the boat out of the harbor to escape police looking for Ronni, Terri, and Rose. Ronni beats Diesel until Izzy cooperates, and they sail into open water.
28 – EXT. BOSTON FISH PIER – DAY
State Police Operations Command Vehicle trailer sits nearby.
Boston Police with dogs and bicycles surround Detective Mic and Boychuk (from opening scene) who order copies of all surrounding security cameras.
29 – INT./EXT. THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
WHEELHOUSE
Terri and Rose guard Izzy at the wheel as Diesel recovers from injuries. Izzy offers to help them get out this mess. Rose declines.
30 – DECK
Red taunts Ronni. Ronni pushes around Red while inspecting all the illegal drugs. Red behaves unaffected and attempts to talk Ronni into turning back before it’s too late.
Ronni orders Rose and Diesel out to the deck. They comply.
31 – WHEELHOUSE
Izzy again attempts to convince Terri to let her contact police. Ronni orders them both out to the deck. Izzy puts the boat on auto pilot while Terri secretly observes her every step.
32 – DECK
Red lampoons the situation. His way of insulting everyone individually with satire. Ronni reveals the drugs to Rose and Terri. Diesel is forced to get rid of anything that could be used as a weapon.
Ronni collects everyone’s cellphone except Rose and Terri and goes back to the wheelhouse with Diesel.
33 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni destroys the SIM cards. Keeps the expensive phones to pawn. Diesel explains navigational instruments, and they talk about where to go with little fuel.
A message comes across the radio that a severe storm is headed their way.
34 – DECK
Terri inspects the deck, net drum, and steel plates. Izzy tries to befriend him about their lives and what they have in common.
Rose, curious about the fish pens, has Izzy and Terri join her to explain they’re empty. When they lean into the space, Izzy reveals a hidden flare pistol to Red that is concealed in a seamless compartment.
Red continues to lampoon Terri and Rose with threats. Rose strikes him,
35 – WHEELHOUSE
Red listens for a police broadcast concerning the bank heist. There is none. Diesel tells him that the instrument they need to navigate is a GPS finder. So Ronni rips the wires from all remaining instruments, save radio and GPS.
36 – DECK/WHEELHOUSE
With all weapons tossed overboard, Terri, Rose, Izzy, and Red climb the outside stairs to the wheelhouse.
Terri wants to know Ronni’s plan, but Ronni warns him to be quiet. Izzy taunts Ronni and Terri over who is in charge. Red laughs at their naivete.
37 – INT. STATE POLICE OPERATIONS COMMAND VEHICLE – DAY
Detectives Mick and Boychuk watch security tape and discover Red with the owners of the boat and the trio who robbed the bank. They bring in the Coast Guard to begin a search.
38 – INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
WHEELHOUSE
Red guards Izzy and Diesel at the helm as they ride into rough seas.
39 – DEN/GALLEY
As they’re searching for anything to steal, Terri confesses to Rose that he’s nervous about Ronni’s cruel behavior and asks her to talk Ronni into stopping. She refuses, unwilling to see the harm or change in Ronni.
40 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni threatens Diesel to remain on course and forces Izzy down into the —
41 – DEN/GALLEY
Terri and Rose retreat to the Den, cautious of Ronni. Ronni has Izzy search for food: no one has eaten for hours by now. While feigning interest, she overhears Ronni ask Terri if he can drive the boat. He plans to deep six them. Terri replies not yet.
Terri receives a message from Fitz! He survived. Instead of telling Terri to free Red, he tells him to make sure he dies, or Terri’s wife and kid will die. Ronni asks about the call and Terri tells him Kat was just asking about their date tomorrow.
42 – WHEELHOUSE
Snacking on chips and water. Diesel steers into the storm now, waves crashing over the bow. Rose frightened they might lose the drugs on deck. Ronni orders everyone to stay put while Izzy describes the possible danger they’re facing and that everyone on board is needed to survive.
Red suggests Ronni should do something to protect the drugs. Ronni takes a handful of life jackets out to the –
43 – DECK
Ronni straps life jackets on bales of drugs, a daisy chain. The boat suddenly jerks to the side throwing Ronni over the rail, but he manages to save himself from going over by clenching a halyard.
44 – WHEELHOUSE
Diesel sharply turns the wheel. Rose slaps him with the gun after witnessing Ronni almost get thrown in the water. Was it a ploy? Izzy and Terri tell Rose there was a large object in their path: Diesel turned to avoid it.
An alert from police comes across the radio. Diesel turns down the volume: Izzy understanding he wants Terri and Rose to not hear it. But Terri catches their act and turns up the volume. It reports, everyone on board is considered dangerous. Red discovers they robbed a bank.
Ronni returns, angry, blames Terri, but Rose defends Terri’s action when Diesel tried to hide the police alert. He beats Diesel for almost throwing him overboard and orders him, Izzy, and Rose downstairs. Rose objects because they need them to operate the boat. Ronni takes the gun from Rose, hands it to Terri, and tells him to operate the boat and keep watch over Red.
45 – DEN/GALLEY
Ronni wants Izzy and Diesel to have sex in front of him and Rose, punishment for trying to kill him.
46 – WHEELHOUSE
Terri uses what little knowledge he learned by watching Diesel and Izzy operate the boat. Red discusses the bank robbery to turn Terri against Ronni. Terri overhears Izzy and Rose screaming from the Den/Galley.
47 – DEN/GALLEY
Terri rushes down the stairs to stop Ronni. The bow of the boat rises like a roller coaster and slams down. Everyone gets thrown. Terri loses his gun to the floor. He and Diesel and Terri eye it, troubled.
48 – EXT. FISHERMAN’S WHARF – GLOUCESTER – NIGHT
Police tell Izzy’s husband, Luca, about the situation she’s mixed up with.
49 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
WHEELHOUSE
As the boat rides waves like a roller coaster, Ronni stands guard over Diesel with both guns now. Red is unconscious from the fall the boat took earlier.
50 – DEN/GALLEY
While making coffee, Izzy suggests to Rose they subdue Ronni because he’s turning psychotic with too much power – and he could possibly hurt Terri.
51 – DECK
Terri is outside fighting the elements searching for floating devices.
52 – WHEELHOUSE
The storm batters the boat windshield. Ronni regrets tearing wires from all the navigational equipment. He wants it repaired.
Terri enters from the outside stairs from the deck. The rain and seawater cover Red. He wakes to hear Ronni blaming Terri for the mess they are in because he didn’t learn how to operate the boat. Red agrees with Ronni.
Terri can’t fix the wires and goes down to the Den/Galley to get Izzy.
53 – DEN/GALLEY
Before bringing coffee up to the wheelhouse, Izzy, Terri, and Rose agree to stop Ronni – but only if Rose gets to keep the money.
54 – WHEELHOUSE
Izzy helps fix the wiring to the navigation screen. Rose returns to the –
55 – DEN
Rose smokes a joint, worried. Gets high. Leaves with a bottle of sambuca.
56 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni drinks the sambuca and gives some to Red. He accuses Rose of being high and worried: why? Terri and Izzy are nervous she’ll tell Ronni about their plan.
Diesel gets the Navigation screen working and Ronni learns what all the information means. He decides they ride straight past the tip of Cape Cod to Rhode Island, and through the heart of the storm.
Ronni takes Terri and Red downstairs to the den/galley. On passing Izzy she warns him that Terri and Red cannot be trusted. Rose remains with a gun?
57 – DEN/GALLEY
Ronni accuses Terri and Red of conspiring. Terri gets a pass when Red tells them that Ronni is his son and returns to the wheelhouse. But Ronni drags Red out to the deck.
58 – WHEELHOUSE
Terri and Rose and Izzy watch Ronni and Red on the deck.
59 – DECK
Ronni kills Red.
60 – WHEELHOUSE
After witnessing the murder, Rose turns for/against? Terri’s and Izzy’s plan to subdue Ronni.
Ronni returns, fires a shot over head, and threatens to kill Terri: he believes Terri talked Rose into conspiracy and blames him for her murder. But he needs everyone that’s left to make it through this storm, safely.
61 – INT. COMMAND CENTER – BOSTON COAST GUARD BASE – NIGHT
The search for the boat is suspended. Detectives Mic and Boychuk leave for the Cape Cod CG base and will remain there until the storm clears and search resumes.
61 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
The boat struggles against huge, crashing waves. It’s difficult to control for Diesel and Izzy.
62 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni discovers a second blip on the navigation screen that’s closing in on their location. It could be the Coast Guard, after all. They attempt to outmaneuver possible contact, but the blip keeps following them.
63 – EXT. SMALL PLEASURE CRAFT – NIGHT
A small boat, seeing aide, approaches Ugly Boat.
64 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – SAME
OUTSIDE STAIRS TO DECK
Ronni engages the small boat with gunshots, until the driver flees.
65 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni enters from the outside stairs. Rounds up everyone remaining. A serious weather alert blasts from the radio reminding them they’re cruising ahead into an already deadly situation. He goes berserk and destroys the radio.
He forces everyone to sing a rotating chorus of Row, Row, Your Boat.
66 – INT. TERRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Terri’s wife, Kat, learns about the bank robbery via news. She texts Terri and tells him she and the baby are leaving him for good.
67 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT
Ronni humming the song. Boat fighting through the storm.
Terri tears after sending Kat a return text: apologies. Ronni reads their exchange and tells Terri that he’s better off. Diesel sticks up for Terri and Ronni bashes him. Izzy defends Diesel.
Terri goes on deck to secure the drugs, after lying to Ronni about the need.
68 – DECK
Angry, Terri throws bales of drugs overboard in the storm.
69 – WHEELHOUSE
Globs of pot stick to the window. Ronni realizes what it is and storms outside to stop Terri. Izzy goes downstairs into the den/galley.
70 – DECK
In the middle of a ferocious storm, Ronni chases down Terri and stabs him with a knife, leaving him for dead.
Izzy sneaks on deck and fires the hidden flare pistol at Ronni. It misses him and starts a fire. It looks like she was aiming at the two of them. She runs up the outside stairs to the wheelhouse.
71 – WHEELHOUSE
Izzy rushes inside. Diesel helps to barricade the door, but Ronni busts in and knocks him to the floor. Ronni is about to kill him when Terri appears through black smoke and clobbers Ronni over the head: Ronni’s out cold.
72 – DECK
Terri and Izzy drag Ronni down the stairs and toss him overboard. He fights to survive but is eventually drowned away by the waves.
Fire consumes everything, including the wheelhouse. Diesel attempts to escape.
73 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT
The boat explodes.
74 – EXT. OCEAN WATER – DAY
Terri badly wounded and burned floats to a buoy with Izzy who is less injured. They agree on an alibi and to split whatever cash and drugs survived.
As the sound of a rescue helicopter draws near, Izzy forces Terri under water. He drowns.
75 – EXT. PENNINSULA BEACH – DAY
The helicopter lands on the beach where this story started.
Izzy is removed by EMTs, questioned by Detectives Mic and Boychuk who are only interested in what happened to Red. She plays the clueless, grieving victim on her way to the hospital.
Detective Mic orders the search for Red to continue.
CHANGES:
#12 – added changes to Izzy and her husband, Lucca, giving cause to be on the boat.
#14 – removed Izzy from the scene and Diesel alone receiving a call from Red while stacking crates of illegal pot on deck. This allows for Izzy to have an excuse to visit Boston and push their lunch date to #21.
#15 –
#16 – added a small-time crook scam to Terri’s resume to make his habit of not working more believable.
#17 – another failed scam added to add plausibility to Ronni’s and Terri’s failure as criminals and create reason to upgrade to a bank heist.
#21 – changed Izzy’s and Diesel’s rendezvous date to a fresh location to turn the scene into a situation.
#25 – added the appearance of Paul Revere on horseback to echo the missing headstone and to improve the reason why Ronni loses the money from the bank heist.
#26 – included a fresh way for Izzy and Diesel to return to the boat: by pedi bike.
#46, 47, 48 – moved Red’s death scene closer to the mid-point because it heightens Ronni’s change to psychopath and adds to continuity of events.
#86 – added additional information about the police recovery after discovering the first body. It allows a slower and more revealing ending.
#87 – Just for the hell of it, I developed a safe ending for Terri’s family, although ambiguous.
REVISED LIST OF STORY BEATS:
1 – EXT. PENINSULA BEACH – CAPE COD – DAWN
As a powerful summer storm cuts out to sea a man cherry picks debris from a shipwreck left behind. A dead body rises into his face!
VO by young married man, Terri, explaining the danger of want for money.
2 – INT./EXT. STATE POLICE VEHICLE – DRIVING – DAWN
Detective (Mick) McSorley (50) and his partner, Detective Boychuk (45) rush to the crime scene on the beach.
3 – EXT. PENINSULA BEACH – MINUTES LATER
Mick and Boychuk join local Sheriff and Police and Harbormaster. They surround the badly burned corpse wondering who it is. Angry, Mick orders a search party across the tip of Cape Cod and out at sea.
VO by young married man, Terri, ends.
DAY BEFORE
4 – EXT. MULLENS CLUB – SOUTH BOSTON, MA – NIGHT
Fitz (40) a brick shithouse and a wily Old Goon (50) beat Ronni (24) with clubs. Ronni’s a big guy for his age. And mean. The beat down ends.
Ronni disappears into a nearby liquor store. The other guys enter the club.
5 – INT. MULLENS CLUB – NIGHT
Intro Red, the local mob boss, in shadow with his criminal gang. As they discuss how tough Ronni is, Ronni smashes Red’s car with a liquor bottle.
6 – EXT. GRANARY BURIAL GROUND – BOSTON PROPER – NIGHT
Ronni, his brother, Terri (22), and Ronni’s young moll, Rose (21) steal Paul Revere’s headstone from a tourist cemetery. They plan to sell back to the city of Boston for ransom money… It’s July 4<sup>th</sup>!
7 – INT. APARTMENT BASEMENT – NIGHT
Ronni, Terri, and Rose and hide it in the rear of a basement and leave to celebrate.
8 – EXT. BOSTON HARBOR – NIGHT
Miles offshore. We get a first glimpse of Red, meanness personified, as he and his gang oversee a drug smuggling operation between two trawlers. One of them is named ‘The Ugly Boat’.
9 – EXT. STREET – SOUTH BOSTON – NIGHT
Outside Rose’s house. Terri, Ronni and Rose arrive in an Uber, half drunk. Ronni assaults the driver and scares him away without paying the fare.
10 – INT. MULLENS CLUB – NIGHT
After hours. The Old Goon stops beating a guy when Red and Fitz arrive. Red finds his hidden ankle knife and cuts the guy free for giving him needed information about the police drug unit. The guy is a cop. He thanks Red.
11 – INT. ROSE’S APARTMENT – SOUTH BOSTON – NIGHT
Terri, Ronni, and Rose party with booze. Ronni tries to pimp off Rose to Terri. Rose gets pissed. Angry and threatening, Ronni goes to bed.
Terri and Rose wake up early morning. Rose scared she might have crossed a line with Terri. Terri scared to go home to his young wife, Kat.
12 – HOUSE – GLOUCESTER, MA – MORNING
Izzy (40s) leaves her mean husband behind in their bankrupt fishing town for a train into Boston searching for work.
13 – EXT. SOUTH BOSTON STREET – MORNING
Walking home Terri is chased by Red, Fitz, and the Old Goon in Red’s smashed car. They tell him that Ronni is a wanted man. Terri gets away, cursing after them.
14 – INT. TERRI’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Run down. Used everything. His young wife, Kat (20), and disabled child, Bryanne (2) don’t believe he was working all night at the Boston Globe newspaper. This is nothing new. It’s destroying the marriage. He sleeps.
15 – EXT./INT. BOSTON FISH PIER – THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
The same 40-foot trawler from night before is docked at the deserted pier: everyone home for July 4<sup>th</sup> holiday. It’s owner, Diesel (60), organizes crates/containers on the deck. He receives a phone call from Red.
16 – TERRI’S APARTMENT- DAY
Terri awakes and readies for work. Kat is skeptical that he’s hanging around with Ronni and his scams again instead of finding a job. Terri fails to admit the truth about work to Kat. She warns him about leaving their marriage behind.
He makes a solemn promise to meet her at Bryanne’s doctor after work. They make up.
17 – EXT. STREETS – SOUTH BOSTON – DAY
Terri, in his work clothes, is heading back to Ronni at Rose’s apartment. Along the way he drops into various ATMs to collect cash from a “cash trapping” scam.
Red and his goons apprehend him, take what little money Terri has, and beat the shite out of him.
18 – INT./EXT. ROSE’S APARTMENT – DAY
As Ronni and Terri get high on the back porch, they decide to ransom back Paul Revere’s headstone to quiet Red. But the city of Boston doesn’t care if they stole it: they’ll just replace it with another one.
Ronni reveals a scam he’s working with Rose: listing stolen goods online, counterfeit luxury brands. But goods are hard to find. So he has a new plan.
19 – INT. BOUTIQUE NAIL SALON – DAY
Rose gets a phone call from Ronni. Then she intentionally cuts off the tip of a lady’s toe to get out of work early.
20 – EXT. THREE DECKER – ROSE’S HOUSE – DAY
Terri, scared, and Ronni, nonplussed, wait outside until Rose pulls up in an old SUV.
21 – EXT. A STREET – SOUTH BOSTON – DAY
Red and Fitz pick up a duffle from an auto body shop.
22 – EXT. NORTH END STREETS – AQUARIUM – BOSTON – DAY
Izzy wanders into the North End with hundreds of other tourists. She meets Diesel. They embrace/kiss. He tells her about Red. He looks skeptical, but Izzy is overjoyed. They buy a bottle of beer and celebrate lunch while sitting on a bench in front of the Aquarium watching seals swim.
23 – EXT./INT. BANK – NORTH END STREETS – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Rose rob a bank. Escape into the tourist filled streets with police giving chase.
24 – EXT. AQUARIUM – BOSTON – DAY
Diesel and Izzy watch the police cruisers race down the street. Izzy calls Lucca to tell him she’s going to miss the train. Lies that there’s a problem with police at the train station.
25 – EXT. NORTH END STREETS – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Rose run into a wall of tourists outside Old North Church. Sirens echoing throughout the neighborhood has everyone on edge.
Character actor dressed like Paul Revere sits atop a horse. It frightens and rears up. It causes Ronni to drop the cash. It scatters, lost in the crowd.
26 – EXT. AQUARIUM – BOSTON – DAY
Diesel and Izzy exit in a pedi bike, arms wrapped around each other.
27 – EXT. NORTH END WATERFRONT – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Rose exit a café rear and run to last street before the waterfront. They stare hopelessly at Boston harbor and the fish pier below.
28 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – FISH PIER – DAY
Diesel and Izzy reach the boat. Izzy backs inside, kissing Diesel.
Diesel and Izzy kiss madly when Red and Fitz enter with the duffle. Red discusses their smuggling operation and gives them the money.
All the while, Ronni, Terri, and Rose listen and spy from behind a berth door and decide to overtake Red, et al, when they go outside to inspect the hidden bales of drugs on deck.
Terri is the only member who doesn’t like the idea, but he feels the need to hold onto his family is greater than backing out.
29 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
Ronni cold cocks Diesel with his gun and follows Red and Fitz out to the deck, while Terri and Rose subdue Izzy.
30 – DECK
Ronni beats Red after being insulted and tosses Fitz into the water to drown.
31 – DEN/GALLEY
While Terri and Rose search inside for weapons and money, Diesel’s cell rings. They secure his phone and Izzy’s cell/
32 – FISH DOCK – GLOUCESTER – DAY
Lucca leaves a message asking Diesel to call Izzy and give her a ride home to Gloucester.
33 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
DEN/GALLEY
Ronni and Red return.
Red tied up. Diesel refuses to take the boat out of the harbor. Ronni beats Diesel until Izzy cooperates, and they sail into open water.
34 – EXT. BOSTON FISH PIER – DAY
State Police Operations Command Vehicle trailer sits nearby.
Boston Police with dogs and bicycles surround Detective Mic and Boychuk (from opening scene) who order copies of all surrounding security cameras.
35 – INT./EXT. THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
WHEELHOUSE
Terri and Rose guard Izzy at the wheel as Diesel recovers from injuries. Izzy
offers to help them get out this mess. Rose declines.
36 – DECK
Red taunts Ronni. Ronni pushes Red around while inspecting all the illegal drugs. Red behaves unaffected and attempts to talk Ronni into turning back before it’s too late.
Ronni orders Rose and Diesel out to the deck. They comply.
37 – WHEELHOUSE
Izzy again attempts to convince Terri to let her contact police. Ronni orders them both out to the deck. Izzy puts the boat on auto pilot while Terri secretly observes her every step.
38 – DECK
Red lampoons the situation. His way of insulting everyone individually with satire. Ronni reveals the drugs to Rose and Terri. Diesel is forced to get rid of anything that could be used as a weapon.
Ronni collects everyone’s cellphone except Rose and Terri and goes back to the wheelhouse with Diesel.
39 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni destroys the SIM cards. Keeps the expensive phones to pawn. Diesel explains navigational instruments, and they talk about where to go with little fuel.
A message comes across the radio that a severe storm is headed their way.
40 – DECK
Terri inspects the deck, net drum, and steel plates. Izzy tries to befriend him about their lives and what they have in common.
Rose, curious about the fish pens, has Izzy and Terri join her to explain they’re empty. When they lean into the space, Izzy reveals a hidden flare pistol to Red that is concealed in a seamless compartment.
Red continues to lampoon Terri and Rose with threats. Rose strikes him.
41 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni listens for a police broadcast concerning the bank heist. There is none. Diesel tells him that the instrument they need to navigate is a GPS finder. So Ronni rips the wires from all remaining instruments, save radio and GPS.
42 – DECK/WHEELHOUSE
With all weapons tossed overboard, Terri, Rose, Izzy, and Red climb the outside stairs to the wheelhouse.
Terri wants to know Ronni’s plan, but Ronni warns him to be quiet. Izzy taunts Ronni and Terri over who is in charge. Red laughs at their naivete.
43- INT. STATE POLICE OPERATIONS COMMAND VEHICLE – DAY
Detectives Mick and Boychuk watch security tape and discover Red with the owners of the boat and the trio who robbed the bank. They bring in the Coast Guard to begin a search.
44 – INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
WHEELHOUSE
Red guards Izzy and Diesel at the helm as they ride into rough seas.
45 – DEN/GALLEY
As they’re searching for anything to steal, Terri confesses to Rose that he’s nervous about Ronni’s cruel behavior and asks her to talk Ronni into stopping. She refuses, unwilling to see the harm or change in Ronni.
46 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni threatens Diesel to remain on course and forces Izzy and Red down into the —
47 – DEN/GALLEY
Terri and Rose retreat to the Den, cautious of Ronni. Ronni has Izzy search for food: no one has eaten for hours by now. While feigning interest, she overhears Ronni ask Terri if he can drive the boat. He plans to deep six them. Terri replies not yet.
Red badgers Ronni and Terri. He tells the room that he’s Ronni father. Terri turns wary of Ronni over the revelation. Ronni doesn’t trust his reaction. He hands the gun over to Rose and forces Red out to the –
48 – DECK
While arguing, Red pulls his knife on Ronni. They wrestle for the knife before Ronni stabs him to death, tossing his body overboard.
49 – DEN/GALLEY
Everyone is shocked. The situation has become very real now.
Terri receives a message from Fitz! He survived the drowning. He threatens to kill Terri’s family if Terri doesn’t save Red.
50 – WHEELHOUSE
Diesel steers into the storm, waves crashing over the bow. Rose, Terri, and Izzy climb up from below. The atmosphere somber. Rose stares out at the deck.
51 – DECK
Ronni straps life jackets to bales of drugs, a daisy chain. The boat suddenly jerks to the side throwing Ronni over the rail, but he manages to save himself from going over by clenching a halyard.
52 – WHEELHOUSE
Diesel sharply turns the wheel. Rose slaps him with the gun after witnessing Ronni almost get thrown in the water. Was it a ploy? Izzy and Terri swear there was a large object in their path: Diesel turned to avoid it.
An alert from police comes across the radio. Diesel turns down the volume: Izzy understanding he wants Terri and Rose to not hear it. But Terri catches their act and turns up the volume. It reports, everyone on board is considered dangerous.
Ronni returns, angry, blames Terri, but Rose defends Terri’s action when Diesel tried to hide the police alert. He beats Diesel for almost throwing him overboard and orders him, Izzy, and Rose downstairs. Rose objects because they need them to operate the boat. Ronni takes the gun from Rose and tells Terri to operate the boat.
53 – DEN/GALLEY
Ronni antagonizes Izzy and Diesel to have sex in front of him and Rose, punishment for trying to kill him.
54 – WHEELHOUSE
Terri uses what little knowledge he learned by watching Diesel and Izzy and steers the boat. He hears Izzy and Rose screaming from the Den/Galley.
55 – DEN/GALLEY
Terri rushes down the stairs to stop Ronni. Ronni threatens him to kiss Izzy because he thinks they’re “too” friendly. The bow of the boat rises like a roller coaster and slams down. Everyone gets thrown. Ronni loses his gun to the floor. He and Terri eye it, suspicious of each other.
56 – EXT. FISHERMAN’S WHARF – GLOUCESTER – NIGHT
Police tell Izzy’s husband, Lucca, about the situation she’s mixed up with.
57 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
WHEELHOUSE
As the boat rides waves like a roller coaster, Ronni stands guard over Diesel holding the gun.
58 – DEN/GALLEY
While making coffee, Izzy suggests to Rose they subdue Ronni because he’s turning psychotic with too much power – and he could possibly hurt Terri.
59 – DECK
Terri is outside fighting the elements searching for more floating devices because Ronni used most of them to protect the drugs.
60 – WHEELHOUSE
The storm batters the boat windshield. Ronni regrets tearing wires from all the navigational equipment. He wants it repaired. Diesel can’t do it.
Terri enters from the outside stairs from the deck. Ronni wants him to fix the wires. He can’t do it either and goes down to the Den/Galley to get Izzy.
61 – DEN/GALLEY
Before bringing coffee up to the wheelhouse, Izzy, Terri, and Rose agree to stop Ronni but only if they don’t hurt him.
62 – WHEELHOUSE
Izzy helps fix the wiring to the navigation screen. Rose returns to the –
63 – DEN
Rose smokes a joint, worried. Gets high. Leaves with a bottle of sambuca.
64 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni drinks the sambuca. He accuses Rose of being high and worried: but why? Terri and Izzy are nervous she’ll tell Ronni about their plan.
Diesel gets the navigation screen working and Ronni learns what all the information means. He decides they ride straight past the tip of Cape Cod to Rhode Island, and through the heart of the storm.
Ronni takes Terri and Rose downstairs to the den/galley. On passing Izzy she warns him that they can’t be trusted.
65 – DEN/GALLEY
Ronni accuses Terri and Rose of conspiring. Terri gets pissed and returns to the wheelhouse. Ronni rages to Rose. She’s high. He can’t believe she would betray him. He drags her out to the deck.
66 – WHEELHOUSE
Terri and Izzy watch Ronni and Rose on the deck.
67 – DECK
Ronni kills Rose, losing his mind.
68 – WHEELHOUSE
After witnessing the murder, Terri backs out of their plan to subdue Ronni.
Ronni returns, fires a shot over head, and threatens to kill Terri: he holds him responsible for Rose. But he needs everyone to make it through the storm, safely.
69 – INT. COMMAND CENTER – BOSTON COAST GUARD BASE – NIGHT
The search for the boat is suspended. Detectives Mic and Boychuk leave for the Cape Cod CG base and will remain there until the storm clears and search resumes.
70 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
The boat struggles against huge, crashing waves. It’s difficult to control for Diesel and Izzy.
71 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni discovers a second blip on the navigation screen that’s closing in on their location. It could be the Coast Guard. They attempt to outmaneuver possible contact, but the blip keeps following them.
72 – EXT. SMALL PLEASURE CRAFT – NIGHT
A small boat, seeing aide, approaches the Ugly Boat.
73 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – SAME
OUTSIDE STAIRS TO DECK
Ronni engages the small boat with gunshots, until the driver flees.
74 – WHEELHOUSE
Ronni enters from the outside stairs. A serious weather alert blasts from the radio reminding them they’re cruising ahead into an already deadly situation. He goes berserk and destroys the radio.
In a psychotic breakdown, he forces everyone to sing a rotating chorus of Row, Row, Your Boat.
75 – INT. TERRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Terri’s wife, Kat, learns about the bank robbery via news. She texts Terri and tells him she and the baby are leaving him for good.
76 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT
WHEELHOUSE
Ronni humming the song. The boat fighting through the storm.
Terri cries after sending Kat a return text: a desperate plea for her to find cash he’s been saving and leave town without him.
Ronni reads their exchange and tells Terri that he’s better off.
Terri leaves for the deck.
77 – DECK
Enraged, Terri throws bales of drugs into the storm.
78 – WHEELHOUSE
Globs of pot stick to the window. Ronni realizes what it is and storms outside to stop Terri. Izzy goes downstairs into the den/galley.
79 – DECK
Ronni chases Terri. He loses the gun in the ferocious storm. But catches Terri and stabs him with the knife, leaving him for dead.
Izzy sneaks on deck and finds the hidden flare pistol. She aims it at the two of them. But it misses and starts a fire. She escapes Ronni up the outside stairs to the wheelhouse.
80 – WHEELHOUSE
Izzy rushes inside. Diesel helps to barricade the door, but Ronni busts in and knocks him to the floor. Ronni is about to kill him when Terri appears through black smoke and clobbers Ronni over the head.
81 – DECK
Terri and Izzy drag Ronni down the stairs and toss him overboard. He fights to survive but is eventually drowned away by the waves.
Fire consumes everything, including the wheelhouse. Diesel dives outside.
82 – EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT
The boat explodes.
83 – EXT. OCEAN WATER – DAY
The storm is miles away. Terri, badly wounded and burned, floats to a buoy with Izzy who is less injured. They agree on an alibi and to split whatever cash and drugs survived.
As the sound of a rescue helicopter draws near, Izzy forces Terri under water. He drowns.
84 – CAPE COD BEACH – DAY
The storm is miles offshore now. Detective Mic and Boychuk stand over two more damaged bodies: old male and young female, identities unknown. Bundles of drugs washed beside them.
They see the helicopter approaching.
85 – EXT. PENNINSULA BEACH – DAY
Same beach where this story started. The helicopter lands. Izzy is removed by EMTs and questioned by Detectives Mic and Boychuk who are only interested in what happened to Red. She plays the clueless, grieving victim on her way to the hospital.
Detective Mic orders the search for Red to continue.
86 – APARTMENT BASEMENT – DAY
Kat, Terri’s wife, digs deep behind the Paul revere headstone and removes a satchel full of cash. She leaves.
-
ASSIGNMENT 1
———————
Heather’s Story Beats“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?”
It’s a heck of a lot easier to see where to problems are using beats than pouring over the script AGAIN!
Also I learned to use Final Draft’s beat board!
1. Give us your logline.
A dying priest, the only witness to the murders at a Residential School, seeks forgiveness from the boy he abused – before a renegade attorney from the Vatican silences them both.
2. List the current beats of your script. Number them as I did above.
I have 85 scenes. Listing the beats enabled me to see I have 5 acts and can cut out some of these scenes and make the script shorter.
3. Starting from the end, flag the beats that need help.
A)I have to make a decision who goes for the box of photographs. The chief’s son or Jody. Having Jody bring them in works better for his character, but the same could be said for Joe’s character as he has lost so many friends to suicide. Decisions, decisions…
B)The most important beat I was able to work with was the scenes where Ambrose and Jody get caught in the blizzard on the way to Ambrose’s kidney dialysis. Jody is forced to make a decision that affects not only Ambrose’s welfare but the tribes as well – he has to get Ambrose to a road where someone will find them and get Ambrose to a hospital. Before the scene was static, waiting for search and rescue to find them , now it really is life or death.
It also gives Jody a chance to vent the anger he couldn’t as a child and Ambrose just has to take it.
C)The scene at the airport when Angelino arrives works better if there are protesters there against the church, rather than just the press.
4. Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed
each of those beats.Original beats
1. Father John Ambrose is dying of Kidney cancer. He must ask forgiveness from the boy he abused in a Residential school if he wants absolution for his sins.
2. Father Ambrose confesses the headmaster of the school not only abused the children, he murdered them as well. Ambrose knows where the bodies are buried.
3. Bishop DeGaul And Ambrose head to the Cree Reservation affected by the school, to try and make things right. The Vatican sends a Lawyer, Cardinal Angelino, to counter the Cree’s demands for restitution, unaware Father Ambrose is acting as their witness.
4. 163 bodies are unearthed from a pit beneath the stairs of the school. Jody Youngblood (Father Ambrose’s young victim) now much older, is too distressed to identify the remains.
5. On the way to the Reservation, all three Priests are attacked by a gang of young teens out for revenge. The Chief’s son, Joe, pulls a knife on Angelino. Joe is arrested.
6. The Priests stay at the Chief’s house. The reservation is as divided as the Chief’s family. Some want to move on, some want restitution.
7. Ambrose and Joe strike up a friendship. They are both guys from the hard side of the street, with quick tempers. Ambrose shares a secret with Joe, he has a box of photos stashed in a secret spot at the school. He’s just too sick to get them. Joe vows he’ll bring them to court as part of his way of making amends for pulling a knife on Angelino if Ambrose will come to a healing ceremony at a sweat lodge run by Joseph His Spirit Falls From The Sky.
8. At the sweat ceremony Ambrose sees how bad Jody’s PTSD is from being locked in the tiny cupboard so many years ago. He tries to apologize but Jody refuses to hear him. The Chief explains Ambrose has to live with that if he chooses not to forgive him. Ambrose is gutted.
9. Since Jody is being stubborn, his daughter and the Chief decide he should be the one to drive Ambrose on the long journey to the hospital for dialysis before Christmas. They take his daughter, Willa’s, old truck. It dies on a forest service road in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard.
10. Jody builds a shelter to wait out the weather. Ambrose hasn’t told anyone his IV port has gone septic and he’s got a serious infection. Jody has to use every bit of knowledge he knows to get Ambrose through the night alive.
11. Search and rescue find them and get them to the hospital where Ambrose is stabilized.
12. Just when it looks like Ambrose is going to be OK, one of Angelino’s aides poisons Ambrose so he can’t testify. Jody decides to donate one of his kidneys so Ambrose can pull though. When Ambrose asks why, Jody says “I forgave you.”
13. Angelino threatens DeGaul, vowing to rip away his position of Bishop and bust him back to a mere priest if Ambrose testifies. DeGaul calls his bluff.
14. The day of court dawns, the press amasses but no one is allowed in except those involved. Joe goes for the box of Photos, but Angelino’s other aide is right behind him. Joe leads him to a canyon and almost dies but manages to make it to court and present the hard evidence the Judge needs.
15. The Cree Nation wins their case. Ambrose chooses to die out in the forest where he can feel God all around him. DeGaul renounces his position in the church, choosing to be a simple priest instead. Jody suggests he come be the priest at the reservation since they need one.
5. Conclude with your new list of beats.
The new beats are:
Beat 3: The scene at the airport when Angelino arrives is no longer just a bunch of people welcoming their families etc for Christmas. It’s the press and protesters decrying the Vatican’s stance on how they are handling the situation.
Beat 10 and 11
This has been changed (or is in the process of being changed) to a shorter more active scene where Jody is practically carrying Ambrose through a storm to a road where searchers can find them. It goes against all the rules of survival in a blizzard but hey, when has a movie ever done anything by the book?
Beat 7
I am still on the fence about this one, whether Joe should be the one to go for the photos, or Jody. Physically it makes more sense for Joe to do this. He’s younger and fitter. Also the timing of the witnesses for court makes more sense this way. I think I’m going to write it both ways and see what happens later on before I make a final decision.
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Benito Selim’s Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is by breaking down every detail of the script, I can see what’s more important than others.
DETOUR- HORROR
Two sisters and their friends on their way to the Florida Keys for spring break become stranded in the everglades. Their situation becomes dire as they are hunted by reptiles who have grown mysteriously aggressive, and unprovoked.
BEAT SHEET
ACT 1
OPENING: SUPER: HOMSTEAD, FLORIDA
1. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE- MORNING
Protesters and media block tractors and construction workers from entering the site of a new housing development close to the Everglades. After recent attacks on citizens by wildlife, protesters believe the construction is disturbing natural habitat.
2. Marty, the site foreman shows up with the police to disperse the crowd. Due to the size, he requests the help of Sheriff Dale Randal and his department as well. the crowd leaves and construction continues.
3. INT. FOREMAN TRAILER- LATER
Marty takes a call from his client to ensure them things are ok. Alligator 1 bursts through the floor and attacks Marty. Marty barely escapes but runs into Alligator 2 outside and is caught, both alligators kill him, and his body is discovered by the construction crew.
4. EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS- AFTERNOON
SUPER: UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI
Kayla talks with her sorority sisters Megan and Candy, it is the last day of class before spring break. Kayla is new to the sorority. A group of frat guys invite them out to a bar that night, they all accept. Lynette, Kayla’s sister approaches the girls, Kayla exits with her.
5. UNIVERSITY COMMON ROOM- LATER
Kayla and Lynette discuss their spring breaks plans to go home, Kayla doesn’t want to go, but Lynette is adamant. Brian, a football player joins the girls and flirts with Lynette and Kayla. Brian invites them out that night, Lynette questions.
6. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE- DAY
Sheriff Dale arrives to the scene and speaks with local enforcement. Dr. Aaron Lender, a herpetologist arrives and is met by Sheriff Randal. Sheriff Randal explains the whole situation with the reptiles and why he was called. Dr. Lender takes samples of paint that is flowing into a creek bed that leads into the swamp.
7. INT. BAR- NIGHT
Kayla, Megan, and Candy drink with other friends and talk with frat guys. Kayla tells them she is going to bail on Lynette and go to the keys with them. Brian flirts with Kayla but reveals his true intentions that he needs Lynette to help him pass a class to stay on the football team.
8. INT. KAYLA AND LYNETTE’S APARTMENT- LATER
Lynette calls her parents to confirm the trip. Her parents inform her they were invited to a last-minute trip and won’t be home. The trip home is canceled.
9. INT. UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB- MORNING
Dr. Lender and his assistant Janet conduct a test. Dr. Lender puts a sample of the paint on a lab snake’s skin. The snake become erratic and flips out in its tank, it kills itself. Dr. Lender concludes the paint is causing.
END OF ACT 1
ACT 2
10. INT. KAYLA AND LYNETTE’S APARTMENT- MORNING
Kayla sneaks about the apartment to avoid Lynette but fails. Lynette informs her that the trip is canceled and to do what she wants. Kayla invites Lynette with her to the keys. Lynette confronts Kayla about her alternate plans, the two argue but manage to put it aside.
11. EXT. APARTMENT PARKING LOT- LATER
Megan arrives with Candy to pick up Kayla, she informs them Lynette is coming. They are annoyed but agree to it.
12. INT. EVERGLADES MAIN RANGER STATION- LATER
Ranger Paul Banks arrives to work and inform by the office assistant that a popular Alligator couple has been sited outside the glades and in neighborhood. Ranger Banks investigates.
13. INT. MEGAN’S CAR- AFTERNOON
The girls get stuck in traffic and share gossip about the frat boys. Megan turns off the main highway and finds a shortcut to get to the keys.
14. EXT. LONELY HIGHWAY- LATER
A young couple is stuck on the side of the road surrounded by swamp. Megan drives past but no one sees the couple flagging for help.
15. INT. UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB- LATER
Dr. Lender invites Sheriff Dale to his lab and shows him the snake along with his findings. Dr. Lender informs Sherriff Dale it doesn’t have an effect on any other animals but reptiles.
MIDPOINT: The paint is causing the aggression in the reptiles and flowing in heavy amounts towards the everglades. The number of reptiles effected can cause large casualties if in contact with humans.
16. INT. MEGAN’S CAR- LATER
Megan informs the group they are passing the everglades and she is gonna stop for a bathroom break.
17. EXT. FLORIDA EVERGLADES VISITOR CENTER- LATER
The girls take a break from the road. Megan and Candy discuss their plans in the keys. Kayla tells them she knows Brian’s game he is trying with her.
18. INT. SUPPLY STORAGE- LATER
Ranger Banks is met by the park supervisor Hal who informs him about the site foreman killing. Hal instructs Ranger Banks to put out Alligator traps.
19. EXT. EVERGLADES VISITOR TRAILS- LATER
The girls take in the glades. Lynette shares some information about the wildlife inhabitants. Kayla and Lynette share a moment of mending. The alligator’s sit in a pond nearby. Megan and Candy feed them, but Lynette tells them to stop. The girls stop and all four make their way to the car. The alligators follow at a distance.
20. INT. EVERGLADES MAIN RANGER STATION- LATER
Sheriff Dale and Dr. Lender arrive to speak to Ranger Banks, he is not on site, and they are told to wait.
21. INT. MEGAN’S CAR- LATER
The girls makes their way out of the park but take a wrong turn and end up on an axis road only for rangers. The car becomes stuck and begins to sink, they abandoned the vehicle but are lost inside the glades.
22. EXT. EVERGLADES VISITOR CENTER- LATER
Hal gives notice to the Sheriff’s vehicle and calls to Ranger Banks. Hal is then met with Sheriff Dale and Dr. Lender who inform him of the paint’s reaction. Hal decides to close the park early due to this news.
23. EXT. SWAMP- LATER
The girls make their way through the swamp only to find they must swim across a river. The alligators emerge and attack them. They fight them off and get away. In the pursuit they come across snakeskin from a python (Python 1), the length of all four girls. The girls move deeper into the glades.
24. INT. MOVING BOAT- LATER
Ranger Banks along with another Ranger Andy Sims cruise through the swamp, himself and Sims notice streaks of paint throughout waterways. Ranger Banks is notified of the situation and to head back. Before he returns, he sees Megan’s car stuck in the mud. Ranger Banks and Sims investigate, Banks calls it in to Hal.
Before they head back, Ranger Banks retrieves and Arm floating in the water.
25. EXT/INT. RANGER JEEP- LATER
Hal excuses himself to drive down to the bank, he informs the sheriff and Dr. Lender to wait for Ranger Banks. Hal jumps in the jeep and makes his way down an axis road. Hal comes to a stop as a bobcat carcass is blocking the road.
Hal gets out of his jeep to move it, Python 1 slides into his backseat. Hal returns and is attacked by Python 1 but traps it his jeep. Hal then tries to escape but is met by three more pythons (Python 2, 3 and 4) and killed.
26. EXT. SWAMP- LATER
A rainstorm occurs and the girls find shelter under a tree. The girls realize they have leeches on them. Candy panics and accidentally steps into an Alligator trap; her leg is nearly severed.
27. EXT. WATERWAY- CONTINUOUS
Ranger Banks and Sims cruise by as they head back to the main station, the girls hear the boat. Megan and Kayla run towards the shore and yell for help but are drowned out by thunder and heavy rain.
28. INT. MOVING BOAT- CONTINUOUS
Ranger Banks is informed by Ranger Charlie Baker that a body has been found on the same axis road Hal was on was. Ranger Banks informs Baker he is on his way back.
29. EXT. SWAMP- CONTINOUS
The alligators resurface and pursue the girls. The girls find a tall sturdy tree with an injured Candy. The water rises around them, the alligators circle. The python make their way towards the tree unbeknown to the girls.
30. EXT. AXIS ROAD- LATER
Ranger Banks makes his way back where he is met by Sheriff Dale and Dr. Lender. A police block is at the axis road, Python 4 is dead as the half-eaten body of Hal hangs out its extended mouth. Ranger Banks informs Dale and Lender there are possibly people missing in the glades.
31. INT. SUPPLY STORAGE- LATER
Ranger Banks takes sheriff Dale and Dr. Lender to collect weapons. They realize the situation will call for killing the reptiles if they are encountered. Banks shows Lender the arm he found, and it’s confirmed it was an alligator attack.
TIME LAPSE–
32. EXT. SWAMP TREE- DUSK
The girls wait out the storm out in the tree. Lynette spots a storage shed in the distance and tells the girls they need to get to it. The pythons make their way up the tree to attack the girls. Megan is killed while Kayla kills Python 3. The girls decide to take a chance to make it to the shack.
END OF ACT 2
ACT 3
33. EXT. MEGAN’S CAR- LATER
Ranger Banks and Dr. Lender arrive to Megan’s car. Banks finds her ID and calls it in, both men observe the area as it’s surrounded by water. Banks questions where they could have gone.
34. EXT. SWAMP TREE- LATER
The pythons have left but the alligators remain. Candy’s leg is severely infected, she decides to sacrifice it to the alligators so they can get away.
35. EXT. EVERGLADES PARK ENTRANCE- LATER
Ranger Banks and Dr. Lender meet back up with Sheriff Randal and Rangers Sims and Baker. Banks, Lender, and Baker meet with the two helicopter pilots with a rescue team and gather weapons and first aid, they begin to board one chopper while the other circles the entire area.
Randal and Sims agree to stay behind with law enforcement to keep guard of the entrance.
36. EXT. SWAMP TREE- LATER
The storm stops and the alligators fight over Candy’s leg as the girls jump into the water and swim towards the shore bank.
37. INT. HELICOPTER- LATER
Ranger Banks and Dr. Lender fly over the area where Megan’s car was found. It’s difficult to determine what direction the girls went.
38. EXT. SWAMP BANK- LATER
The girls make it out the water and look up in defeat to the helicopter as it zooms passed.
39. INT. SUPPLY SHACK- LATER
Kayla picks the lock to the shack and the girls take shelter. Inside they find blankets, first aid supplies and food. The girls rummaged through everything. Outside Python 1 and 2 make their way towards the shack.
40. INT. HELICOPTER- CONTINUOUS
The search is turning up empty and they are ready to head back. Ranger Banks informs the pilot that there is a supply shack not too far from their location and they should check it out just encase.
41. EXT. EVERGLADES FRONT ENTRANCE- LATER
Ranger Banks informs Sheriff Dale and Ranger Baker they are making a stop but so far, no sign of the girls.
42. EXT. SUPPLY SHACK- LATER
Ranger Banks, Dr. Lender, and Ranger Sims exit the helicopter towards the shack. Python 1 slides into the helicopter and attacks the pilot. The helicopter goes haywire, the pilot is able to send an SOS. The helicopter proceeds to crash and explode killing the pilot.
Python 1 slithers out of the fire into the water.
43. INT. SUPPLY SHACK- CONTINUOUS
Kayla opens the door to a ball of fire, she is then met by Ranger Banks, Dr. Lender, and Ranger Sims. The girls are relieved until they learn of the crash.
44. INT. SUPPLY SHACK
Ranger Banks digs out an old ham radio in the shack, it doesn’t work, and the group is stranded. Banks informs them there is a solid road that leads to the shack, but they’ll have to walk which will take hours. The group plans to fight with all they got.
45. EXT. SUPPLY SHACK- LATER
The group attempts to escape but are ambushed by the alligators, Ranger Sims is killed by them as the group retreats into the shack.
46. INT. SUPPLY SHACK- CONTINUOUS
Python 2 bursts through the floor and is killed by Lynette. Alligators 1 and 2 rush into the shack as Dr. Lender gets the girls out.
47. EXT. SUPPLY SHACK- CONTINUOUS
The second helicopter arrives to rescue the group. Dr. Lender and the girls get in while Ranger Banks traps the alligators inside the shack.
48. INT. SUPPLY SHACK- CONTINUOUS
Ranger Banks sets up a booby trap by attaching flares to two propane tanks, he rolls them towards the alligators and runs out the shack. Alligator 2 bites onto one and the shack explodes.
49. INT. HELICOPTER- LATER
The helicopter begins to leave when Alligator 1 re-emerges and grips onto the helicopter, the helicopter jerks hard and send Candy into the propellers tearing her to shreds. Dr. Lender grabs a flare gun and fires at Alligator 1, it kills it.
The helicopter flies off.
50. EXT. EVERGLADES FRONT ENTRANCE- EVENING
The helicopter lands and the group exits in relief. Python 1 was hiding under the helicopter and re-emerges. Python 1 attempts to attack the sisters but is killed by all the law enforcement on site.
SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER
51. INT. UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB- DAY
Dr. Lender presents the carcass of Python 1 to his class, he informs them they will examine the organs next class.
52. INT. LAB ROOM- LATER
Janet, Dr. Lender’s assistant dissects Python 1 and discovers hatched alligator eggs inside. Two baby alligators emerge and attack to Janet.
CUT TO BLACK
THE END
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