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Day 3 Assignments
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Lisa’s Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how to easily diagnose and correct story problems with a beat sheet. I only had time today to accomplish one beat rewrite, but I will continue the process as I write. It was perfect for the scene I was uncomfortable with in this episode.
Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.
1. INT. CLARE DAMIANO’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clare sings as she gets ready for her date.
2. EXT. LARGE BEAUTIFUL PORCH OF THE DAMIANO’S HOME – NIGHT
Aaron Forsyth arrives for his date with Clare and encounters the rest of the family. Clare is flying high from winning Philadelphia’s Rising Stars Talent Competition earlier that day.
3. INT. BACK SEAT OF AARON’S BMW – NIGHT
Aaron and Clare are passionately making out, but Clare puts on the brakes. They discuss the possibility of her moving to L.A. to get discovered. A massive explosion occurs nearby. They race away to find out what’s happened.
4. EXT. DAMIANO HOUSE – NIGHT
Aaron and Clare arrive to find her house blown to smithereens.
5. INT. DIVINE MERCY HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Clare, Aaron, Aaron’s parents, and Clare’s aunt and uncle, Margaret and Phillip Kennedy wait for word on any survivors. Dr. Barthelomeo and his team break the bad news – no one survived. Clare falls apart and they keep her overnight on suicide watch.
ACT TWO
6. INT. UNKNOWN GARAGE – NIGHT
Police detective Christian Santiago works out ferociously in his home garage gym trying to battle his demons and depression.
7. MONTAGE OF SHOTS
· Inserting his earbuds, Christian listens to power metal.
· He rows relentlessly on the rowing machine.
· He pushes himself to his limits completing a grueling set of upside-down pull ups.
· Does a brutal set of two hundred and fifty pound barbell.
· Performs back squats, hack squats, and dumbbell lunges in front of the wall mirrors.
· He hammers the punching bag slamming it with everything he’s got.
He is interrupted by the sound of a baby crying.
8. INT. CHRISTIAN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Christian goes into the house and picks up his infant son, comforting him, comforting himself.
9. INT. AARON’S ROOM – NIGHT
Aaron is unable to calm down. He drives down to Clare’s house and calls Clare’s best friend to tell her what’s happened. She calls her entire group of friends and they all meet him at the ruins of Clare’s house, consoling each other.
10. INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
Christian is interrogating a woman when he receives a call from an anonymous male voice telling him he needs to drop what he’s doing and focus on another “job.”
11. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY
Fire and police crews crawl the smoldering ruins of the Damiano home. Christian arrives to make an assessment, but really he’s supposed to make sure “the job” was done right. He chats with fire chief Mack Porter and gets ahead of himself by asserting the event was an act of revenge. Porter sends him on his way and as he leaves, he texts “99%” to the unknown caller from earlier.
12. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY
Aaron has been waiting patiently to see Clare along with dozens of news reporters and camera operators. Natalie arrives with at least thirty other students with balloons, stuffed animals, etc. but the reception nurse tells them to go home because they can’t visit Clare until her aunt and uncle do. The media enjoys the fireworks and get it all on video to broadcast on the evening news. Margaret and Phillip arrive and are accosted by the media.
13. INT. NURSES STATION AT SUICIDE WATCH ROOM – DAY
A steady trickle of students, one at a time, lay down their flowers, stuffed animals, etc. outside the transparent walls of Clare’s room. Clare is in a deep sleep, having a nightmare.
14. DREAM SEQUENCE
Clare dreams of her performance at the talent competition, but it ends with a fire consuming the auditorium and her losing her family. Clare awakens with fright. She sees the love her friends are showing for her. The nurse puts her back to sleep with more sedative.
ACT THREE
15. INT. THE CORNER POCKET – NIGHT
Christian sits at the bar sipping a bourbon. A middle-aged woman comes in, sits next to him and orders a frozen margarita. She strikes up a conversation with Christian but the noise from the blender prevents us from hearing their conversation.
16. EXT. SANTIAGO HOUSE – NIGHT
Christian comes home to the gun of a barrel placed on the back of his head. It’s his wife, Jayna, accusing him of cheating on her, which he firmly denies. The eleven o’clock news reveals who the surviving family member is and Christian gets a cryptic text about a meeting on Tuesday.
17. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL – DAY
Margaret meets with Dr. Barthelomeo who states he will not administer any more sedatives to keep Clare asleep and that she needs to be taken home so she can begin the healing process. Margaret reluctantly agrees to take her home.
18. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY
Margaret shows Clare the guestroom, then leaves her on her all alone.
19. INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Clare has slept for many hours and is awakened by her cousin, Blake. Margaret and Phillip have left for a dinner engagement and Blake and Clare commiserate over a grilled cheese sandwich.
20. EXT. NEWTON SPRINGS PARK – DAY
Jayna is strolling with the baby and is being photographed by a stranger, unbeknownst to her.
21. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY
Almost noon and Clare doesn’t have the will to get out of bed. Natalie drove two hours to visit Clare. They reunite and Clare admits she doesn’t have the will to live. Natalie encourages her to be positive, to use her gift of music and talented voice to motivate her to keep going. Reluctantly, Clare plays a song on the piano and sings while Natalie live streams it on TikTok without telling her. The response is explosive. Margaret and Phillip arrive home to ruin everything.
INT. KENNEDY KITCHEN – NIGHT – FLAGGED
Phillip berates Clare for her behavior. This scene didn’t correspond to the story anymore since I rewrote the scene before it in Assignment #2, but I wasn’t really happy with it anyway.
INT. KENNEDY BACKYARD POOL – NIGHT – <u style=””>NEW
Clare speaks to Natalie over the phone, tells her the only way she can move forward is to do everything she can to forget the events of her family’s death.
ACT FOUR
23. EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
Clare eulogizes her family members at their funeral.
24. EXT. PHILADELPHIA MILLS MALL – DAY
The same woman who struck up a conversation with Christian at the bar, Crystal Cumbee, walks out of the mall and gets into Christian’s car. They drive off together.
25. EXT. RIVERSIDE CORRECTIONAL FACILITY (RCF) – DAY
Christian and Crystal arrive at the prison/ Crystal goes inside and Christian drives away.
26. INT. PRISON RECEPTION AREA – DAY
Crystal is scanned and searched.
27. INT. CONJUGAL VISIT ROOM – DAY
Crystal enters the room where a bald inmate sits waiting. It’s former police chief Roy Nagle.
28. INT. KENNEDY HOME – NIGHT
Aaron comes over to visit Clare who tells him the only way she can move forward is to forget everything about the night her family died. Everything. He gets the hint and bows out of the picture.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Lisa Duffy.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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MARIAN REDMANN STOY BEATS
What I learned doing this assignment is, that I am really curious about new processes, I especially liked to try the backward beat method. I feel that this process really helps but I am also glad that I learned that it’s good to start writing not having all answers. So, I know now where I want to elevate beats, but have not solved all the problems that this task poses.Some stuff may sound like German English/ DENGLISH. Hope you don’t mind.
Have fun!
LOGLINE: SHARK ABYSS
When an explosion of a WWII submarine cave at the German high-sea island Helgoland traps tourists in a collapsed bunker, claustrophobic marine biologist Lisanna has to fight dangerous bull sharks to save the group and win back the love and respect of her estranged daughter Mia, before the bunkers are flooded and they either drown or get killed by the sharks.BEATS INCLUDING FLAGGED BEATS:
1. INT. UNDERWATER CAVE – DAY
Divers are attacked by a deadly bull shark.
2. EXT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY
Lisanna argues with her daughter Mia.
3. INT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY
Julian wants Lisanna to investigate the shark attack.
4. INT. HELICOPTER – DAY
Mia is not impressed by Julians money and power. Lisanna is reluctant to enter the helicopter because of her claustrophobia.
5. EXT. LIGHTHOUSE HELGOLAND – DAY
Mia stays wither her father. She thinks her mother should care more for the environment instead of sharks or money.
6. INT. FUTURE STAR – TAG
Lisanna tries to find out what has caused the attack.
7. INT. FUTURE STAR – CARD ROOM – DAY
Julian wants Lisanna to dive in the submarine cave.
FLAGGED BEAT:
This beat needs more personal conflict. Sure, the explosives could harm Mia and the island. But Lisanna could take Mia away from the island, problem solved. There must be history between Julian and Lisanna. And Julian knows how to push Lisannas buttons. Also, this beats problem is a missing beat after it. Showing Lisanna reluctant to the call of adventure and finding out more about bull sharks (Footage from Internet) and Julian and probably his company,
MISSING BEAT:
7A. INT. FUTURE STAR – DAY
Missing scene refusal & shark research, also research about Julian.
8. EXT. NORTH SEA – DAY
Lisanna goes to the diving site in an inflatable boat. She has to dive with two suspicious men from Julian.
9. INT. CAVE – DAY
Lisanna dives into the cave, feeling queasy because of her claustrophobia.
10. INT. FUTURE STAR – DAY
Julian sees the action via Lisanna’s cam. He talks to his father. Julian’s father is the key figure in the background.
11. INT. BUNKER – DAY
Parallel plot: Mia meets her friend Sophie. Mia is supposed to give a guided tour for tourists through the bunker.
12. INT. SUBMARINE CAVE – DAY
Lisanna dives into the cave with a rusted submarine. There is a lot of old Nazi explosives stored there. The submarine has a hole. Some explosives have already gone off. Lisanna can’t dive into the boat because of her claustrophobia.
13. INT. BUNKER – DAY
Mia meets all the members of the group she is to guide through the bunker.
FLAGGED BEAT:
We meet the “shark fodder”, this scene could slow down the pace, also we know that some of the group members will not survive. The group has to have a fresh feel to it, maybe they are here for a special purpose. On the other hand, they are supposed to be people like you and me so that the viewers can identify better with them.
14. INT. INNER CAVE – DAY
Lisanna finds caged bull sharks in a small cave. She is attacked by one of the men. When he tries to kill her, a bull shark mauls him. Explosives explode and the cave collapses.
15. INT. BUNKER – STORAGE ROOM – DAY
Mia and the tourists are surprised by the explosion. The bunker system seems to have sunk. Water penetrates. They cannot stay in the bunker for long.
16. INT. FUTURE STAR – DAY
Julian’s father is not convinced the operation is going well and sends his own commando team.
17. INT. INNER CAVE – DAY
Lisanna lives but is attacked by a large bull shark. She can just save herself in an adjacent cave.
18. INT. BOULDER CAVE – DAY
Lisanna finds the second diver and wants to help him. The shark kills him and chases Mia.
19. INT. UPPER PASSAGE – DAY
Claas is able to rescue Lisanna into a higher passage, but the water is rising and soon the shark will have reached her. Lisanna learns that Mia is also in the bunker. She has to save Mia.
20. INT. BUNKER – STORAGE ROOM – DAY
The water is rising. Mia looks for a way out of the room. Some of the tourists want to stay. A shark attacks and kills members of the group. Mia is separated from the others. The others are able to escape into a shaft and think Mia is dead.
FLAGGED BEAT:
It’s kind of a cliché since “Poseidon Inferno” that some people want to stay and wait for help and some want to help themselves. Also, we know that Mia probably will be alive.
21. INT – UPPER PASSAGE – DAY
Lisanna and Claas work their way through the rubble trying to understand what happened and how dangerous sharks can get into the bunker.
FLAGGED BEAT:
Here we need some new insights of Claas, helping to get Lisanna new information.
22. INT. BUNKER – TRANSFORMATOR ROOM – DAY
Lisanna and Claas find the tourists. Lisanna learns that Mia is probably dead. The group plans to go back towards the exit and stun the shark with a homemade stun gun.
FLAGGED BEAT:
There’s probably a better solution that the homemade stun gun to fight the shark here. If so, I did not have figured one by now.
23. INT. FUTURE STAR – DIVING LOCK – DAY
The Alpha Team is coming.
FLAGGED BEAT:
Commandos are always a cliché. These guys think they are the good guys, but we think they are the bad guys. This makes for some interesting dialogue later, but here they are typically commando members…
24. INT. BUNKER – DAY
The group fights the shark with the stun gun and is able to get past it. Another tourist is killed.
FLAGGED BEAT:
Is there a more exciting way to fight the shark?25. INT. BUNKER – MUNITION ROOM – DAY
Lisanna finds Mia. She is alive! But the exit to the top is buried. Soon they will drown or be eaten by the sharks. A new plan is needed. Sophie knows an unknown part of the secret submarine base. Through a pipe shaft
FLAGGED BEAT:
Also, imho this plan may need some more excitement.26. INT. INNER CAVE – DAY
The remaining sharks can free themselves.
FLAGGED BEAT:
Great Scene. Now we have more sharks. But the beat itself reads kind of flat.
27. INT. SUBMARINE CAVE – DAY
The three men of the Alpha Team split up. Two are looking for Lisanna and the others. One wants to arm explosives. Are they coming to help or do they have something else in mind?
28. INT. PIPE SHAFT – DAY
Lisanna and the others go through the narrow pipe. Lisanna nearly drowns from getting stuck because of her claustrophobia. Claas saves her.
29. INT. OLD SUBMARINE BASE – DAY
Lisanna and the others battle the two men from Alpha Team. The commandos think Lisanna is a terrorist. An explosive charge has been placed on the old submarine that could destroy the entire island. Lisanna is the only one who can defuse them. Mia no longer understands the world. What secrets does her mother keep?
30. INT OLD SUBMARINE CAVE – DIVE SITE – DAY
Mia falls into the water. Lisana and Claas have to save her. Mia begs Lisana to defuse the bomb to save the island. Claas sacrifices himself for his daughter.
40. INT. SUBMARINE CAVE – DAY
Lisanna can kill one of the remaining three sharks. She cannot disarm the detonator and must bring it into the sub to dampen the detonation. To do this, she must overcome her claustrophobia. Two sharks follow her into the submarine. Lisanna barely has minutes left and has to trick the two sharks. At the last second, she tries to escape through the hole in the outer wall of the submarine. Then she catches the blast of the explosion.
41. INT. NEWS – DAY
The island and most of the bunker survived the muffled explosion. Lisanna is accused in the news of being guilty of the attack.
42. INT. FUTURE STAR – DAY
Mia and the others are taken to the Future Star. Julian’s father plans to detonate an even bigger bomb to destroy the island.
43. INT. FUTUTE STAR – DAY
Miraculously, Lisanna survived. She dives into the Future Star to free Mia. Julian holds Mia in his power and wants to throw both of them to the sharks. We learn that Julian plans to convert all of Helgoland into an oil production platform, using explosives and sharks to keep tourists away. Lisanna should be used as a scapegoat from the start.
44. INT. FUTURE STAR – SHARK TANK – DAY
Lisanna can distract the shark with her knowledge of the sharks in her laboratory and free Mia, the shark eats Julian.
FLAGGED BEAT:
Also, here I imagine I could use a really exciting new way to fight the shark and how Julian is killed.
55. EXT. LIGHTHOUSE HELGOLAND – DAY
Lisanna saved her daughter and the island and is hailed as the hero of Helgoland. She moves into Claas’ lighthouse with Mia. Lisanna and her mother have found each other again.
46. EXT. NORTH SEA – DAY
Tourists are sightseeing around Helgoland in a boot. There are no more dangerous sharks? Then a large fin appears and heads for the small boat…
🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈
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7. INT. FUTURE STAR – CARD ROOM – DAY
Julian wants Lisanna to dive in the submarine cave.
I think you’re absolutely right about hitting this with conflict. Good job identifying an action that occurs just because another character asks!
24. INT. BUNKER – DAY
The group fights the shark with the stun gun and is able to get past it. Another tourist is killed.
FLAGGED BEAT:
Is there a more exciting way to fight the shark?
How about the stun gun itself has a miniature character arc? Like it stops working… then kind of works… then stuns the person holding it… and finally when it’s needed most… it works!
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Subject: Daniel Rangel Story Beats
LOGLINE: A cynical soldier must escort a young girl to a mystical group during civil war, against both sides who will stop at nothing to prevent her from performing a sacred ritual.
Story Beats:
1. INT. VEHICLE – DAY
Rafaela Gutiérrez drives past caravans of sun worshipers gathered at the shoreline while under the spell of an advert for a retirement simulation called “After Life.” Her escapist fantasy is interrupted by a news item describing revolts in the south sending thousands of refugees to be rounded up and executed by noble forces.
FLAG
2. EXT. BEACH – DAY
In desperate need of extra money, Rafaela meets an old military buddy turned spiritual fanatic, who gives her information about a lucrative job as a private security escort.
3. OSGOOD SIMULATION FACILITY – DAY
The information leads Rafaela to Henrietta Stone, the notorious leader of an anti-noble, paramilitary organization. She offers Rafaela a large sum to escort Lena, an 11-year-old refugee carrying an experimental serum in her blood, to a mystical scientific group called The Hide, who are on the verge of discovering where consciousness goes in the after-life. Skeptical about such claims, she agrees when promised enough gold to pay for her luxurious retirement sim.
4. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – DAY
Rafaela gains permission to travel out of established territory from her matron, Lady Monica Critwell. “Somewhere near ‘Las Planchas Verdes’ (The Green Flatirons).”
5. EXT. BORDER OUTPOST – NIGHT
Rafaela drives Henrietta, her lieutenant Juan, a mystic, Gloria and Lena to the border, where refugees awaiting execution break loose, killing the checkpoint soldiers and Henrietta in the process.
6. EXT. FERRY LAUNCH – NIGHT
Rafaela manages to escape with the others to the lakeshore, where Juan and his goons look for a mysterious vial among Gloria and Lena’s personals.
7. INT. SAFE-HOUSE – NIGHT
As Juan is voted the new leader of the paramilitary group, Gloria tells Rafaela he was part of a conspiracy to kill Henrietta and intends to kill her and Lena to use the new technology as a bargaining chip in the upcoming civil war! Rafaela decides to sneak away asap with Lena and Gloria.
8. INT. SAFE-HOUSE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Rafaela interrupts Lena who appears to interact with her deceased father, Lord Kristoff Lovelace, within a simulation through a small, portable box. Lena entrusts Rafaela with the only remaining serum Henrietta kept secret.
9. INT. SAFE-HOUSE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Juan enters with his goons and Rafaela drinks the vial of serum to stop him from killing her!
10. EXT. SAFE-HOUSE – NIGHT
Rafaela, Gloria and Lena manage an escape just as war breaks out between revolutionaries and nobility!
END OF ACT 1
11. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – NIGHT
Lena shows signs of severe illness. Lady Monica demands full disclosure from Gloria, who tells her, “the effects of the serum will continue to worsen until the stem cells harvested from her blood are infused back after the serum’s removal.” Rafaela realizes that without a matching donor, she will die in under 10 days.
12. INT. SMALL STUDY – NIGHT
Privately, Rafaela describes Lena’s visit to Lord Lovelace with Lady Monica. The Lady remains skeptical and suspects they may be taking advantage of the former paladin. Despite this, she assures them they’ll be safe and that she’ll make all necessary medical arrangements for both Lena and Rafaela. “You may end up in a reserve somewhere, but you’ll be alive.”
13. INT. GREAT ROOM – NIGHT
Rafaela lays down to rest as the effects of the serum begin to affect her. She overhears Gloria asking why Rafaela doesn’t carry a gun. Lady Monica shares how she (Rafaela) blames herself for the kidnapping and murder of her young daughter Sophia. She’d mismanaged her finances hoping to give her a better life. When kidnappers seized Sophia and Rafaela couldn’t pay the ransom insurance, they left Sophia’s bullet-ridden corpse on her doorstep.
14. INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
An emergency evacuation is declared throughout Superior territory, as rebels raid and seize all civilian property, infrastructure, and resources.
15. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – NIGHT
Juan and his PLF militia arrive, forcing the group to flee, while Lady Monica and her children stay in the manor’s stronghold. Lady Monica’s security chief sends Rafaela, Gloria and Lena through an escape tunnel and gives her the keys to a small plane.
16. INT. SMALL PLANE – NIGHT
Rafaela takes Lena and Gloria to the penal colony run by her brother, Goyo. She covers Lena’s eyes as the estate’s windows flash with gunfire.
17. INT. PENAL COLONY – NIGHT
Unable to cope with years of solitude and human suffering he oversees and maintains, Goyo lives with augmentation goggles permanently fixed to his skull. They transform the sim pods into rows of tulips, succumbing to viruses from time to time, necessitating their pruning. He doesn’t recognize his sister.
18. EXT. CAVE OPENING – DAY
Goyo’s assistant, ASHLEY, takes them to a location where they can contact The Hide using a radio transceiver. Gloria confesses they must wait until the following midnight, using a magical ritual, within a two-minute window. Furious, Rafaela questions whether The Hide exists at all!
19. EXT. CAVE OPENING – DAY
Rafaela watches Gloria rehearsing for the “ascent of the soul” ceremony while Lena lies unconscious, tethered to her mobile sim. Gloria explains how ceremony creates an energetic pattern that provides a unique identifier for security. Rafaela scoffs. Gloria says the serum was being developed simply to track consciousness within a simulation. A bigger discovery was made when Lord Lovelace’s life functions ceased, and his consciousness, human consciousness, continues after the body dies! He’s been trapped in the sim ever since, waiting for The Hide to reveal the next step. Rafaela says she doesn’t believe in ghosts or that Lord Lovelace could exist within the sim. Gloria responds, “I don’t know if ghosts are real, but can you deny the reality of that girl’s love for her father?”
20. INT. PENAL COLONY – DAY
Ashley receives word that noble forces have destroyed civilian communities, killing all the inhabitants. The civil war escalates as Juan’s group raids and seizes noble property and assets. Ashley reports to noble authorities when he sees a news item blaming Rafaela for Juan’s actions. Gloria sacrifices her life during a military raid, allowing the others to escape. Rafaela and Lena must find a way to The Hide on their own.
END OF ACT 2A
21. EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Lena’s symptoms worsen and she can barely move as the midnight window approaches. This forces Rafaela to perform the ritual in her place.
FLAG
22. INT. LORD LOVELACE’S SIMULATION – NIGHT
Rafaela enters the sim where she meets Lord Lovelace. She tells him that she won’t send the transmission using the ritual, “I don’t believe.” Lovelace, “Just say the words. The words have power.” She does, and they receive The Hide’s coordinates!
23. EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Rafaela sees the love Lena has for her father and begins to think that maybe there is an afterlife, maybe she can reconcile her daughter’s death.
24. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – NIGHT
When they arrive at “Las Planchas Verdes,” the slanted sandstone formations in the foothills, nothing’s there. Succumbing to the effects of the serum, Rafaela falls asleep fearing the worst.
25. DREAM SEQUENCE
Sophia appears to Rafaela in a dream and offers a clue to their predicament through the etymology “Las Planchas Verdes” (The Green Flatirons), named so despite being reddish-brown.
26. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
Rafaela wakes, charges the hills with Lena in her arms, and hits an invisible barrier.
27. EXT. THE HIDE’S SECRET LOCATION – DAY
They are escorted into the transparent megastructure by an elite military guard led by Captain Chuco. He says he knows Rafaela by reputation. “Half of my soldiers want to shoot you and the others are flat-out terrified.”
Green growth covers three pyramids where archeologists work amid ancient ruins. Doctor Nicolás Gurion, the head of the operation, takes them to the medical wing, where he finds a matching donor for Rafaela in the group’s database. Lena receives a successful transplant.
FLAG
28. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Inside the pyramid, Gurion explains how The Hide’s physicists and engineers detected an intense shaft of energy radiating from its apex, peaking on a cycle that synchronizes with solar eclipses. They intend to send Lord Lovelace’s consciousness along with the beam in hopes of tracking him to its destination. The destination of the human afterlife!
29. INT. MEDICAL WING – DAY
Still weak, Lena asks Rafaela to stand in for her during the ceremony, echoing her father’s words, “You don’t have to believe, you know? Words are a powerful form of magic.” Rafaela refuses and makes her way to the transplant area. Lena enters the simulation to say goodbye to her father and perform the ascent of the soul ritual.
30. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
A BOOM rattles dust and debris from the cavern. Sirens BLARE. Outside, Rafaela watches the invisible structure collapse onto the helpless, killing and maiming everyone outside the pyramids. A BOMBER JET flies overhead. In the distance, TANKS, HELICOPTERS, and MILITARY VEHICLES bear flags of noble houses from around the globe.
FLAG
31. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Juan and his group burst into the ceremonial chamber, taking Gurion hostage and executing the rest of the science team.
FLAG
32. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
A feverish Rafaela makes her way through chaos as tunnels collapse, blocking her way to the transplant area. Chuco exchanges fire with the PLF and engages in hand-to-hand combat, collecting weapons in a large duffel. She refuses to take a firearm.
FLAG
33. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Juan destroys the sim box next to Lena.
FLAG
34. INT. COLLAPSED CORRIDOR – DAY
Rafaela and Chuco encounter Gurion and the two men share an embrace of profound relief and kiss. Gurion tells them the Juan has taken the compound and she must receive her transplant before noble forces wipe out the entire facility.
When Rafaela asks about Lena, Gurion tells her the box was destroyed during the simulation, leaving her comatose, most likely braindead. An enraged Rafaela coughs blood, and Gurion warns there may not be another chance for her procedure if they don’t go now.
END OF ACT 2B
FLAG
31. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Juan gives a rallying speech to his soldiers about how they can survive in the systems of tunnels and caves indefinitely until the power generator’s nuclear reactor becomes weaponized. They cheer as he passes around Lúcio’s pruno from the reserve.
FLAG
32. EXT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Gurion creates a distraction for Chuco, who takes out the guards at the chamber’s entrance. They sneak into the rear balcony, where Rafaela sees Lena’s body next to the shattered sim box. She takes several weapons from Chuco’s cache and tells him to lock the entrance and hide themselves.
33. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Rafaela walks in alone, brandishing a rifle to confront Juan’s soldiers. She holds Juan at gunpoint. He gives the order and a firefight ensues. Rafaela shoots Juan, and calmly kills several soldiers whose panicked shots miss her. She swings the rifle like a bat, then draws two pistols, shoots Juan, and calmly kills several soldiers whose panicked shots miss her.
Mortally wounded, Juan tells her she’s a traitor to her class. Lena is their oppressor, and it’s their serum that’s killing her.
Rafaela rushes to Lena’s side, but she doesn’t wake. She mocks the girl about how she looks forward to being placed in a sim with an excellent retirement program, insisting that she won’t perform the ritual. Finally, she screams at Lena’s lifeless body insisting nothing can make her perform the ritual. She breaks down and swears she’d do anything to prevent another girl from dying in her care. Gurion confirms the equipment still works…
Juan laughs and declares that Rafaela can’t perform the ritual. He’d hacked the portable sim to transmit, regardless of the energetic pattern. Rafaela led all military forces there. She’s no mystic. He asks what kind of afterlife awaits a war-mongering murderer like herself anyway. He asserts she’ll be joining him in hell. She kills him.
Gurion confirms that her brain activity is consistent with someone under general anesthesia, but there’s no way to know where she is without the tracking serum. Rafaela suggests that if Lena followed the route of the beam, perhaps she (Rafaela) could follow her, and they could both be pulled back together. Hesitating, he reminds her that she doesn’t believe. Rafaela, “I don’t have to. The words have power.”
As Gurion fits Rafaela into the chamber’s tracking pod, he tells her to expect three phases before arriving at the first threshold. He warns that she must not continue if Lena isn’t there. To go beyond would begin the journey to the afterlife from which no one returns. Rafaela insists Lena must still be there, and believes she’s waiting for the solar eclipse.
34. INT. HIDE SIMULATION ROOM
Rafaela stands, surrounded by serene white.There’s no sign of Lena or her father. Rafaela stumbles through the ritual–
35. DEEP SPACE
A vortex pulls her across vast distances of space.
36. DOMED ROOM
She lands in a pulsating, domed room where Lena waits among small cherub-like entities. A blinding light appears. The two say goodbye. The entities escort Lena into the light.
37. EXT. THE HIDE’S SECRET LOCATION – DAY
The combatants stand in awe of the solar eclipse and watch in stunned silence as the beam sends a gravitational wave throughout the landscape.
38. INT. LORD LOVELACE’S SIMULATION – DAY
A rainbow-colored vortex appears before Rafaela, and the entities are replaced by demonic-looking creatures. Rafaela smiles then recites, “I am the way, the truth, the light.” The entities become angelic beings. She steps across the threshold and disappears.
39. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Inside the chamber, Lena wakes from her coma. Gurion tells her that Rafaela’s vitals have stopped.
40. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
Chuco, Gurion, and Lena walk with a caravan headed west. They watch from a distance as the beam of light pulses, then fades into the clouds. The fighting recommences, and military aircraft bomb Las Planchas Verdes.
Gurion tells Lena that he’s sorry for her loss. She says, “No. I saw her. They’re okay. We’re all going to be okay.”
THE END
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Daniel Rangel. Reason: Updated flags
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Daniel Rangel. Reason: Updated flags
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Daniel Rangel. Reason: Updated flags
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Subject: Daniel Rangel Story Beats
LOGLINE: A cynical soldier must escort a young girl to a mystical group during civil war, against both sides who will stop at nothing to prevent her from performing a sacred ritual that escorts souls to the afterlife.
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…
1. Extra beats at the end of Act 2 made me ask:
Am I cramming too much story in this piece? Do I need to break it down into 2 or 3 different movies?
2. Find myself going back to the “core” and refining my logline and conflict. The three “cores” of this story that are essential for me are:
Sci-fi Concept: What if scientists discovered that consciousness continues after the body dies and on are on the verge of finding its destination, somewhere in the universe?
Dramatic Concept: A cynical paladin who’s lost all faith after her daughter’s brutal murder, must help a young girl by embracing her sacred beliefs and performing a magical ceremony.
Central Conflict: A soldier must get herself and a young girl to a group that can remove an experimental serum from their blood before it kills them both.
So, new logline:
“When a secret group discover human consciousness continues after death, a cynical soldier and a young girl must find them before they’re killed by the two sides fighting over the technology.”
Story Beats:
1. INT. VEHICLE – DAY
Rafaela Gutiérrez drives past caravans of sun worshipers gathered at the shoreline while under the spell of an advert for a retirement simulation called “After Life.” Her fantasy is interrupted by a news item describing revolts in the south sending thousands of refugees to be rounded up and executed by noble forces.
FLAG CHANGES – added her rejection toward his spirituality and the afterlife to establish her character arc. Included their military unit’s mantra as it’s paid off in the end.
2. EXT. BEACH – DAY
Desperate for extra money, Rafaela meets an old military buddy turned spiritual fanatic, who gives her information about a lucrative job as a private security escort. She scolds him when he suggests she can “communicate with the afterlife.”
Crowds of white robes engage in joyous acts of worship. LÚCIO (30s) sits among SEVERAL CHANTERS.
RAFAELA: Lúcio, you old drunk!
LÚCIO: Capitán!
He jumps to his feet.
RAFAELA: I see you’re still tempting death.
LÚCIO: I no longer fear death Capitán.
RAFAELA: “Not enough”–
LÚCIO: “Gonna lose”–
BOTH: “WE FIGHT ANYWAY!”
The old friends hug. He offers a mat.
LÚCIO: Never too late to be saved.
RAFAELA: I’m not staying on this beach any longer than I have to.
3. OSGOOD SIMULATION FACILITY – DAY
The information leads Rafaela to Henrietta Stone, the notorious leader of an anti-noble, paramilitary organization. She offers Rafaela a large sum to escort Lena, an 11-year-old refugee carrying an experimental serum in her blood, to a mystical scientific group called The Hide, who are on the verge of discovering where consciousness goes in the after-life. Skeptical about such claims, she agrees when promised enough gold to pay for her luxurious retirement sim.
4. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – DAY
Rafaela gains permission to travel out of established territory from her matron, Lady Monica Critwell.
LADY MONICA: What’s the destination?
RAFAELA: Somewhere near ‘Las Planchas Verdes’ (The Green Flatirons).
5. EXT. BORDER OUTPOST – NIGHT
Rafaela drives Henrietta, her lieutenant Juan, a mystic called Gloria and Lena to the border, where refugees awaiting execution break loose, killing the checkpoint soldiers and Henrietta in the process.
6. EXT. FERRY LAUNCH – NIGHT
Rafaela manages to escape with the others to the lakeshore, where Juan and his goons look for a mysterious vial among Gloria and Lena’s personals.
7. INT. SAFE-HOUSE – NIGHT
As Juan is voted the new leader of the paramilitary group, Rafaela learns he was part of a conspiracy to kill Henrietta and intends to kill her and Lena to use the new technology as a bargaining chip in the upcoming civil war! Rafaela decides to sneak away asap with Lena and Gloria.
8. INT. SAFE-HOUSE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Rafaela interrupts Lena who appears to interact with her deceased father, Lord Kristoff Lovelace, within a simulation through a small, portable box. Lena entrusts Rafaela with the only remaining serum Henrietta kept secret.
9. INT. SAFE-HOUSE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Juan enters and Rafaela drinks the vial of serum to stop him from killing her!
10. EXT. SAFE-HOUSE – NIGHT
Rafaela, Gloria and Lena manage an escape just as war breaks out between revolutionaries and nobility!
END OF ACT 1
11. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – NIGHT
Lena shows signs of severe illness. Lady Monica demands full disclosure.
GLORIA: The effects of the serum will continue to worsen until the stem cells harvested from her blood are infused back after it’s been removed.
Rafaela realizes that without a matching donor, she will die within 10 days.
12. INT. SMALL STUDY – NIGHT
Privately, Rafaela describes to Lady Monica how she saw Lena visit with Lord Lovelace. The Lady remains skeptical and suspects they may be taking advantage of the former paladin. Despite this, she assures them they’ll be safe and that she’ll make all necessary medical arrangements for both Lena and Rafaela.
LADY MONICA: You may end up in a reserve somewhere, but you’ll be alive.
13. INT. GREAT ROOM – NIGHT
The serum’s effects take a toll on Rafaela. She overhears Gloria ask why Rafaela doesn’t carry a gun. Lady Monica shares how she (Rafaela) blames herself for the kidnapping and murder of her young daughter Sophia.
LADY MONICA: Ransom insurance is only paid after you’ve paid the ransom. She’d mismanaged her finances hoping to give Sophia a better life. When kidnappers seized her and Rafaela couldn’t pay the ransom, they left Sophia’s bullet-ridden corpse on her doorstep.
14. INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
An emergency evacuation is declared throughout Superior territory, as rebels raid and seize all civilian property, infrastructure, and resources.
15. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – NIGHT
Juan and his militia arrive, forcing the group to flee. Lady Monica and her children stay in the manor’s stronghold. Lady Monica’s security chief sends Rafaela, Gloria and Lena through an escape tunnel and gives her the keys to a small plane.
16. INT. SMALL PLANE – NIGHT
Rafaela decides they’ll go to the penal colony run by her brother, Goyo.
She covers Lena’s eyes as the estate’s windows flash with gunfire.
17. INT. PENAL COLONY – NIGHT
Unable to cope with years of solitude and human suffering he oversees Goyo lives with virtual reality goggles permanently fixed to his skull. He doesn’t recognize his sister.
18. EXT. CAVE OPENING – DAY
Goyo’s assistant, Ashley, takes them to a location where they can contact The Hide using a radio transceiver. Gloria confesses they must wait until the following midnight, using a magic ritual, within a two-minute window. Furious, Rafaela questions whether The Hide exists at all!
19. EXT. CAVE OPENING – DAY
Rafaela watches Gloria rehearsing for the “ascent of the soul” ceremony. Lena lies unconscious, tethered to her mobile sim. Gloria explains how ceremony creates an energetic pattern that provides a unique identifier for security. Rafaela scoffs.
GLORIA: The serum was made to track consciousness within a simulation. A bigger discovery was made when Lord Lovelace’s life functions ceased, and his consciousness, that is, Human Consciousness, CONTINUES AFTER THE BODY DIES! Trapped in the sim ever since, Lena visits with him on occasion until we reach The Hide.
RAFAELA: I’ve never believed in ghosts and I don’t believe that Lord Lovelace could exist within that sim.
GLORIA: I don’t know if ghosts are real, but can you deny the reality of that girl’s love for her father?
20. INT. PENAL COLONY – DAY
Ashley sees a news item blaming Rafaela for Juan’s actions and he reports her to noble authorities.
When forces raid the penal colony, military raid, Gloria sacrifices her life for the others to escape. Now Lena or Rafaela must perform the ritual if they are to find The Hide’s location.
END OF ACT 2A
21. EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Lena’s symptoms worsen and she can barely move as the midnight window approaches. Rafaela must now perform the ritual if she’s to survive.
22. INT. LORD LOVELACE’S SIMULATION – NIGHT
Rafaela enters the sim and meets Lord Lovelace. She tells him she won’t send the transmission using the ritual–
RAFAELA: I don’t believe.
LOVELACE: Just say the words. The words have power.
She begrudges through the ritual and they receive The Hide’s coordinates!
FLAG <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>CHANGES – added a sentence for clarity.
23. EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Rafaela sees the love Lena has for her father and begins to think that maybe there is an afterlife, maybe she can reconcile her daughter’s death. This experience is the spark of hope that’s been missing from her life since her daughter’s death.
24. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – NIGHT
They arrive at “Las Planchas Verdes,” the slanted sandstone formations in the foothills, but nothing’s there. Succumbing to the serum, Rafaela falls asleep fearing the worst.
25. DREAM SEQUENCE
Sophia appears to Rafaela in a dream and offers a clue to their predicament through the etymology “Las Planchas Verdes” (The Green Flatirons), named so despite being reddish-brown.
26. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
Rafaela wakes, charges the hills with Lena in her arms, and hits an invisible barrier.
27. EXT. THE HIDE’S SECRET LOCATION – DAY
They are escorted into the transparent megastructure by an elite military guard led by Captain Chuco.
Green growth covers three pyramids where archeologists work amid ancient ruins. Doctor Nicolás Gurion, the head of the operation, takes them to the medical wing, where he finds a matching donor for Rafaela in the group’s database. Lena receives a successful transplant.
FLAG CHANGES – this is still a problem. Purpose of this scene: to reveal The Hide’s goal with Lena’s father. It’s difficult for me to brainstorm other ways for this to happen since its the bedrock of my story. 🤪 I could use some help with this.
28. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Inside the pyramid, Gurion explains how The Hide’s physicists and engineers detected an intense shaft of energy radiating from its apex, peaking on a cycle that synchronizes with solar eclipses. They intend to send Lord Lovelace’s consciousness with the beam and track him to its destination, somewhere beyond the Milky Way.
29. INT. MEDICAL WING – DAY
Still weak, Lena asks Rafaela to stand in for her during the ceremony.
LENA: You don’t have to believe, you know? Words are a powerful form of magic.
Rafaela refuses and makes her way to the transplant area. Lena enters the simulation to say goodbye to her father and perform the ascent of the soul ritual.
30. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
A BOOM rattles dust and debris from the cavern. Sirens BLARE. Outside, Rafaela watches the invisible structure collapse onto the helpless, killing and maiming everyone outside the pyramids. A BOMBER JET flies overhead. In the distance, TANKS, HELICOPTERS, and MILITARY VEHICLES bear flags of noble houses from around the globe.
Juan and his group burst into the ceremonial chamber, taking Gurion hostage and executing the rest of the science team. Juan destroys the sim box next to Lena.
FLAG <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>CHANGES – I combined this beat with the latter.
31. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
END OF ACT 2B
FLAG CHANGES – Act 3 begins here.
31. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
A feverish Rafaela makes her way through chaos as tunnels collapse, blocking her way to the transplant area. Chuco exchanges gunfire and engages in hand-to-hand combat, collecting weapons in a large duffel. She refuses to take a firearm.
FLAG CHANGES – I combined several beats and got rid of unnecessary details.
32. INT. COLLAPSED CORRIDOR – DAY
Rafaela and Chuco encounter Gurion who tells them that Juan has taken the compound and Rafaela must receive her transplant before noble forces wipe out the entire facility.
When Rafaela asks about Lena, Gurion tells her the box was destroyed during the simulation, leaving her comatose, most likely braindead. An enraged Rafaela coughs blood, and Gurion warns there may not be another chance for her procedure if they don’t go now.
Rafaela rejects Gurion’s warning and decides to go save Lena.
FLAG CHANGES – combined beats and dumped unnecessary details. (I’m seeing a pattern here…)
33. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Juan gives a rallying speech to his soldiers. Rafaela, Gurion and Chuco sneak into the rear balcony, where Rafaela sees Lena’s body next to the shattered sim box.
She takes several weapons from Chuco’s cache and tells him to lock the entrance and hide themselves. She kills every soldier in the room.
With the total eclipse imminent, she screams at Lena’s lifeless body insisting nothing can make her perform the “ascent of the soul” ceremony.
Juan, barely alive and bleeding out, tells Rafaela he’d rigged the signal to acquire The Hide’s location and her ritual in the forest meant nothing. She kills him.
Gurion confirms that Lena’s brain activity is consistent with someone under general anesthesia, but they can’t find her without the tracking serum. Rafaela suggests that if Lena followed the route of the beam, maybe she could follow her, and they could both be pulled back together.
GURION: Yes, but… you don’t believe.
She measures herself for a beat.
RAFAELA: Yeah. Well, I don’t have to. The words have power.
FLAG CHANGES – I didn’t flag the following two beats, but in rereading I thought it would be appropriate to give a little more detail since this is the “core” relationship in the story.
34. INT. HIDE SIMULATION ROOM
Rafaela stands, surrounded by serene white. In this environment she can see how the serum has created an intense blue light at the center of her forehead and chest. There’s no sign of Lena or her father. She stumbles through the ritual–
35. DEEP SPACE
A vortex pulls her across vast distances of space.
She lands in a pulsating, domed room where Lena waits among small cherub-like entities. Lena runs to her and they embrace.
Rafaela pulls the blue sphere from her chest and places it on Lena. A fluid, balloon-shaped membrane, forms around Lena as the blue tow-line connects her to the bright vortex.
RAFAELA: Now. Let me go.
LENA: What? (understanding) NO! I don’t want to leave you here — let’s go back together.
RAFAELA: It’s too late. There’s no physical “body” for me there. Please girl, do as I say. Gurion and Chuco are waiting for you.
LENA: But I can’t go without you.
Lena cries.
RAFAELA: Hey, hey. Listen… I was wrong … you’ve shown me… that…
Sobbing now.
RAFAELA: Hey. Are you listening?
Lena nods.
RAFAELA: There’s a lot to live for in that world. Find your purpose.
LENA: Will I ever see you again?
RAFAELA: Perhaps. But not in this life.
Lena continues crying. Rafaela embraces her.
RAFAELA: Remember: You’re always enough, there’s nothing to lose… and you’re going to find a way.
A blinding light appears. The two say goodbye. The entities escort Lena into the light.
36. EXT. THE HIDE’S SECRET LOCATION – DAY
The combatants stand in awe of the solar eclipse and watch in stunned silence as the beam sends a gravitational wave throughout the landscape.
37. INT. LORD LOVELACE’S SIMULATION – DAY
A rainbow-colored vortex appears before Rafaela, and the entities are replaced by demonic-looking creatures. Rafaela smiles then recites–
RAFAELA: I am the way, the truth, the light.
The entities become angelic beings. She steps across the threshold and dissolves into infinity.
38. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Inside the chamber, Lena wakes from her coma. Gurion tells her Rafaela’s vitals have ceased.
FLAG CHANGES – Since I had an extra beat, I separated the two locations for the end.
39. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
Chuco, Gurion, and Lena walk with a caravan headed west.
Gurion tells Lena that he’s sorry for her loss.
LENA: No. I saw her. They’re okay. We’re all going to be okay.
40. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
They watch from a distance as the beam of light pulses, then fades into the clouds. The fighting recommences, and military aircraft bomb Las Planchas Verdes.
THE END
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Daniel Rangel.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Joan Butler Story Beats
What I learned: Separating out is very useful. (Determining the purpose of every scene could be valuable.) Creating a beat sheet is time consuming.
Logline: A counselor has 6 days to deprogram a brainwashed woman and convince her not to return to the abuser she thinks is under her control and a good man.
A, B, C after a number indicates I failed to add these scenes from my current script at the start.
***indicates a flag
Act 1
***1. EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – NIGHT (SELMA’S NIGHTMARE FLASHBACK)
Mother hurries away from Blue Bird transition house with six-year-old Selma.
Purpose: to ensure the opening shot is the transition house, hint that the story is about women leaving the house, ***let the audience know the protagonist.
Change: I added a scene to show the adult Selma is the protagonist.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Is it good to start the movie with a nightmare?
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
1 A. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Selma(40s) wakes from the nightmare with a start.
2. INT. MARK’S HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth is raped by her husband, Mark.
3. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – BATHROOM – DAY
Selma takes expensive pills for her heart.
***4. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
TV Commentator speaks about Americans unable to work due to long COVID. Selma gets an eviction notice and reluctantly decides to interview at Blue Bird house.
Purpose: to introduce long COVID and tie Selma’s pills to that condition. To create the inciting incident.
Change: An eviction notice is cliché, but I don’t know how to elevate it. It is part of a storyline that runs through much of the script.
5. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – DAY
Gaia the manager of several houses, tells Selma about a pilot project that requires a counselor to deprogram abused women who have been brainwashed by their abusers.
Selma lies about still having her private practice and takes the job.
6. INT. MARK’S HOUSE – DINING ROOM – DAY
Mark scalds Elizabeth with hot coffee.
7. INT. MARK’S HOUSE – ENSUITE BATHROOM – DAY
While Elizabeth dresses the wound, she realizes Mark could do it again. She flees.
8. EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – DAY
She arrives at the transition house.
9. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – INTAKE ROOM – DAY
Selma interviews Elizabeth. Elizabeth says her phone must stay on. Selma warns Elizabeth not to contact Mark. Elizabeth says Mark is a good man and “all this stuff” is not his fault. When he phones, Elizabeth says she’s at a retreat. Jasmine (17 going on 12) arrives with a new-born baby and a broken arm.
10. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jasmine is oppositional. She says she is not going back to her boyfriend.
11. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – DAY
Selma convinces Elizabeth to stay for 3 days and come for counseling to help her find her lost self.
***12. INT. MOUNTAINTOP HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Selma tells Gaia that she and her mother stayed at Blue Bird House then left. When they got home, her father killed her mother. Selma lies and says she didn’t see it happen. They agree Elizabeth will be their 1<sup style=”font-family: inherit;”>st</sup> client. They discuss how counseling will work.
Purpose: to give info to the audience.
Change: Add info about double thinking and emphasize that it is for protection.
Act 2
13. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Elizabeth helps Jasmine feed the baby.
14. INT. MARK’S HOUSE – LIBRARY – NIGHT
Mark looks for Elizabeth.
15. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
TUESDAY
Selma does a module that reminds Elizabeth what made her happy from ages 5 to 34.
16. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Selma is rebuffed when she tries to ease Jasmine’s anxiety.
17. INT. PETRA’S OFFICE – DAY
Petra demands that Selma write a report justifying her counseling.
17 A. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth cares for the baby.
17 B. EXT. GATE – NIGHT
Mark finds the transition house, thinking it’s a retreat center. He tries to get in but fails.
17 C. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
WEDNESDAY
Elizabeth asks if Selma has seen this kind of counseling work with other women. Selma lies and says yes. Selma does a module that reminds Elizabeth what qualities she admired before she met Mark.
17 D. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jasmine’s father refuses to let her come home.
***17 E. EXT. PARK – DAY
Gaia gives Selma permission to raise her voice if it will help her get through to Elizabeth.
She also says she knows Mark has found the transition house but doesn’t dare go behind Petra’s back and contact the police.
Purpose: to show why Gaia doesn’t contact the police and to allow Selma to get angry with Elizabeth later in the script.
Question: TO ELEVATE OR LEAVE OUT GAIA GIVING PERMISSION?
17 F. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – BATHROOM – DAY
Selma takes pictures of Elizabeth’s scald.
18. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Selma falls asleep trying to write Petra’s report.
18 A. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth hides her phone in the cupboard.
***19. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Elizabeth meets Bella.
Purpose: to have Elizabeth meet Bella.
Change: I added a w/chair to show women with disabilities are abused.
***19 A. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – BATHROOM – NIGHT
Selma falls asleep in the tub.
Purpose: to emphasize Selma’s fatigue.
Change: Put this scene later. It is currently too close to scene 18 where Selma falls asleep trying to write the report.
19 B. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Selma puts her belongings on Craigslist.
20. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth phones Mark. He gaslights her. She cuts the conversation short when he says he’ll come and get her.
21. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
THURSDAY
Using info from the first 2 sessions, Selma tries to convince Elizabeth that Mark is an abuser. She becomes angry and says it’s not his fault, she’s in control, and she’s not his victim.
22. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – DAY
Elizabeth is furious when she discovers Selma’s lie.
23. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Bella convinces Elizabeth to stay until Sunday.
23 A. EXT. PARK – DAY
When Selma is frustrated with Elizabeth, Gaia defends her.
24. INT. PETRA’S OFFICE – DAY
Petra tells Gaia she will be fired when her project is canceled.
25. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Mark promises everything will be wonderful when Elizabeth gets home then gaslights her.
26. EXT. GATE – NIGHT
When Mark can’t see into the transition house with his drone, he hires a PI to find out what happens in the building.
27. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jasmine becomes jealous of Elizabeth.
27 A. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
Selma sells her belongings.
***28. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
FRIDAY
Selma shows Elizabeth how to counter the effects of hurtful words and explains that they make Elizabeth gradually lose herself.
Purpose: to show 1 technique Mark uses to control Elizabeth and to reward Selma with a small break-through.
Change: I added a silent moment of understanding between Selma and Elizabeth at the end of the scene.
29. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
When Jasmine puts Elizabeth down, Selma yells at her. Gaia hears the yelling.
30. EXT. GATE – DAY
Gaia reprimands Selma and puts her on notice.
31. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Mark tells Elizabeth the baby could get sick if she keeps looking after it.
32. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth tries to give the baby back to Jasmine, but she won’t take it.
33. EXT. STREET CORNER – NIGHT
The PI tells Mark the building is a transition house then tries to hide a smirk.
34. EXT. GATE – NIGHT
When Mark can’t get into the transition house, he buys a gun.
35. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
SATURDAY
Selma discusses various ways Mark manipulates Elizabeth. She maintains he doesn’t manipulate her and she is in control.
35 A. INT. LOBBY – DAY
Selma receives an eviction reminder.
35 B. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
A landlady brings prospective renters to Selma’s apartment.
35 C. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Selma suffers a nightmare of work boots stomping.
36. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
As Elizabeth listens to Mark, she realizes Selma is right; Mark does manipulate her. Mark threatens to ruin her career if she is not home by 4:00 tomorrow.
37. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jasmine decides to go back to her abuser.
38. EXT. GATE – DAY
Elizabeth reels when Jasmine shouts that Elizabeth should have her own baby.
***39. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY SUNDAY
Selma discusses traumatic bonding using pictures of cult leaders.
Purpose: to complete the final step in the deprogramming process.
Change to: using pictures of cult leaders, examples of her childhood, and role play.
40. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – BATHROOM – DAY
In the dark, Selma rocks back and forth on the edge of the tub.
41. EXT. GATE – DAY
Police tell Selma that Jasmine has been killed.
42. INT. MOUNTAINTOP HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Selma offers Gaia her resignation and tells Gaia about the lies, watching her father kill her mother, the guilt of not saving her mother
the flashbacks and nightmares her fear of men and their feet her fear of being kicked and stomped on that she couldn’t write the report for Petra because she’s a long hauler Petra says she is canceling the project and firing Gaia.
Act 3
42. EXT. GAIA’S VOLKSWAGEN LADYBUG – DAY
Selma and Gaia race to intercept Elizabeth before she leaves.
43. INT. MARK’S PORSCHE – DAY
Mark puts a gun in the glove box and drives to the transition house.
***44. EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – DAY
Hoping to overwhelm Elizabeth’s logic, Selma shouts single words that each describe a technique Mark uses to control Elizabeth. The words come faster and faster. Elizabeth scribbles a color to represent each word on a roll of paper. Elizabeth finally screams and rips the paper to shreds. Moments later she admits she gave away her baby because Mark said she was delusional.
Purpose: to make Elizabeth understand that Mark is in control.
I don’t know how to elevate it.
45. EXT. GATE – DAY
Mark arrives and tries to force Elizabeth into his car. Selma and Gaia hold him off until the police arrive and arrest him.
Petra is fired.
Resolution
46. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – OFFICE – DAY
Selma concludes that she is not responsible for her mother’s death; Her father is.
47. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT FIVE YEARS LATER Selma and Elizabeth chair a meeting of SODA–Survivors Of Domestic Abuse–a world-wide self-help organization they have created.
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*** 1. EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – NIGHT (SELMA’S NIGHTMARE FLASHBACK)
“the transition house, hint that the story is about women leaving the house”
I like how you’re thinking here and think it speaks to the essence of this draft of your story. A journey of self-healing/self-empowerment from abusive and manipulative environments. Well done!
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What I’ve learned: I’ve been resistant to rewriting. I’ve been wanting to “edit” and have finally come around to actual “rewriting.” So I’m where I should have been after Day 1 assignment, but I have the tools to get the job done quickly. Hurrah!
NEW GOALS
Establish my A-story and B-story. Discard everything else.
A-story: Rafaela must get Lena and herself to The Hide.
B-story: Rafaela overcoming the loss of her daughter.
ISOLATE
1. Make new Day 2 Beats
Using my existing A and B storylines. Discard everything else.
2. Make new Logline
Based on new Day 2 Beats with existing A and B.
3. Make new Day 3 Beat Sheet
Based on new Day 2 Beats with existing A and B.
ELEVATE
1. Elevate the Beats of Your Story
Isolate confusing concepts, determine their purpose, then brainstorm 25 other ways to accomplish it.
2. Avoid Perfection
Plug and play. I can always bring back discarded concepts later, but for the sake of this class, my goal is to tell a compelling story that’s easy for any reader to understand.
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Subject: Arial’s Story BeatsWhat I’ve learned doing this assignment is…I have a hard time keeping it short! LOL But seriously, this has provided a very easy way to isolate the problems in my script by looking at each one and elevating them to a higher level.
The underlined parts are the changes I’ve made to the rewritten scene descriptions.
Act 1
Why I’m inserting a teaser scene – The consistent feedback I’ve received in and out of this class is people are having a hard time figuring out the tone of my script. After reading articles and watching videos, I’ve learned that the first scene of any movie or TV show is what sets the tone. So, I thought this teaser scene would set the tone and show more of Nikki’s resistance to dealing with psychic abilities and the paranormal.
0. INT. MONTGOMERY HOUSE – NIGHT – 1979
New teaser scene – Young Nikki (5) is awakened by her mother and grandparents arguing, but it escalates into a nightmare when a demon is unleashed from a vase her grandmother Skye shatters to the living room floor. This is the night her grandfather died – taken by the demon.
FLAGGED BEAT* – 1. Opening: INT. SAWYER HOUSE – NIGHT – PRESENT DAY
Kildeer, IL (2:14am) – NIKKI PHILLIPS SAWYER gets a spectral visit from her grandmother, Skye, which she thinks it’s a dream. Granny tells her she’s inherited her psychic gifts, which skips every other generation. When Granny leaves, Nikki goes back to bed, but as soon as her head hits the pillow, her mother calls from Los Angeles – Granny just passed away.
*NOTES: Because I’m adding the teaser scene above, I think Nikki needs to be more frightened of the encounter than the casual dialogue I currently have in the script. This will make subtle changes in the scene…
REWRITTEN – 1. Opening: INT. SAWYER HOUSE – NIGHT – PRESENT DAY
Kildeer, IL (2:14am) – NIKKI PHILLIPS SAWYER gets a spectral visit from her grandmother, Skye, but she thinks it’s a nightmare. Granny tells her she’s inherited her psychic gifts, which skips every other generation. But Nikki is more interested in retreating, and going back to bed. A few moments later, her mother calls from Los Angeles – Granny just passed away.
2. EXT. PHILLIPS FAMILY MAUSOLEUM – DAY
Nikki attends Skye’s funeral with her mother and husband. Husband leaves and we see tension in the relationship. Nikki sees Skye’s ghost at the cemetery, and someone who looks like her daughter (Madison, who is missing), but both disappear. Nikki questions her sanity.
3. INT. HOTEL LOUNGE – LATER
Nikki and Sharon catch up over drinks, where Sharon confesses Granny was a kook and thought she was psychic. Sharon blames Skye for putting her sister, Dottie, into a mental ward. Nikki thinks there’s more to the story, but Sharon deflects and says Nikki is just under a lot of stress with her daughter missing and her husband asking for a divorce. Wait…what divorce? Sharon explains away the slip, saying she sees the tension. “Get on anti-depressants and you’ll be as right as rain.” Sharon departs.
4. Inciting Incident: INT. SAWYER HOUSE – NIGHT
When Nikki gets home, she and her husband argue. He’s willing to accept their missing daughter is dead and move on with his life. Nikki is not. He asks for a divorce, leaving Nikki speechless. Mom was right.
5. INT. SAWYER HOUSE – NIGHT – TWO WEEKS LATER
Nikki’s best friend, Rhonda, comes over to comfort Nikki. She was just served papers. Tim is asking Nikki to move out since the house is his. Madison’s bedroom is the only physical connection Nikki has left with her daughter. Rhonda convinces Nikki to move in with her.
6. INT. RHONDA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rhonda tries to cheer up Nikki by having wine, cheese, and crackers with a movie, but when Nikki unresponsive, Rhonda has a heart-to-heart. Nikki must move on with her life…but that doesn’t mean she’s giving up on her daughter. Nikki goes back to bed anyway, depressed.
7. Pg. 10: INT. RHONDA’S HOME OFFICE – DAY
The next day, Nikki tells Rhonda she thought about what she said, and she’s right. She’s going to get her life back on track and go back to her old profession of flipping houses to support herself, but she’ll still hang on to hope that Madison will one day come home.
Act 2A
FLAGGED BEAT* – 8. 1st Turning Point: INT. BAILEY HOUSE – DAY
A week later, Nikki has a “chance” meeting with Brian, a real estate agent, at the coffee shop. He shows her the Bailey House – an Old Victorian fixer upper. The place is creepy, but the price is right. She wants it, so Brian will draw up a contract and be in touch. When Nikki leaves, Brian has a phone conversation with the owner. They’re targeting Nikki to buy the house because of her family’s gifts of clairvoyance. WHY is a mystery!
*NOTES: I’m going to increase the creep factor of the house and Nikki will be more afraid of it in the rewrite. BUT the price will be too good to pass up on her meager budget, and she’ll push through her fears, repeating the mantra she and her mother mention in the lounge scene – ghosts are not real and psychic abilities are parlor tricks. I might even have her tell him she’ll think about it.
REWRITE – 8. 1st Turning Point: INT. BAILEY HOUSE – DAY
A week later, Nikki has a “chance” meeting with Brian, a real estate agent, at the coffee shop. He shows her the Bailey House – an Old Victorian fixer upper. The place is really creepy, but with her meager budget, the price is right. Still, she isn’t sure she wants it, so she tells Brian that she needs to think about it. When Nikki leaves, Brian has a phone conversation with the owner. She seems interested, but he thinks the house creeped her out a bit. He’ll get back to the owner once he hears something. They’re targeting Nikki to buy the house because of her family’s gifts of clairvoyance. WHY is a mystery!
FLAGGED BEAT* – 9. INT. RHONDA’S HOUSE – DAY
The rest of Nikki’s inheritance arrives – a safe from Granny – but there’s no combination “for security reasons”. Rhonda mentions she got a call from Andrew out of the blue and they have a date. Andrew is an old co-worker of theirs, and Nikki is happy for her friend. Nikki runs off to meet Brian. She’s getting the keys to the Bailey House today!
*NOTES: Since I have Nikki hesitate on buying the house, I’m showing here that she’s changed her mind and is moving forward.
REWRITE – 9. INT. RHONDA’S HOUSE – DAY
The rest of Nikki’s inheritance arrives – a safe from Granny – but there’s no combination “for security reasons”. Rhonda mentions she got a call from Andrew out of the blue and they have a date. Andrew is an old co-worker of theirs, and Nikki is happy for her friend. Nikki says Brian has the keys to the Bailey House. Rhonda says she’s glad Nikki changed her mind about buying it and is proud of her for pushing through her fears. Nikki agrees and runs off to meet Brian.
10. INT. BAILEY HOUSE – DAY
When Brian hands over the keys to the Bailey House, Nikki’s psychometry gift is triggered (she can see visions when she touches things). She sees flashes of dead bodies in various places around the house. Since she grew up being taught that psychic abilities are parlor tricks, she plays off the experience, not wanting to appear crazy.
11. EXT. BAILEY HOUSE – DAY
After Nikki drives off, Brian calls Tyler Croft, the former owner of the Bailey House, informing him of Nikki’s experience, which he obviously noticed. Is Tyler sure she is clairvoyant? Seems more like psychometry. Tyler is certain. The family members have more gifts than just clairvoyance, but Brian’s job is done. Tyler says he’s sending in someone else to keep a closer eye on her work.
12. INT. RHONDA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Andrew comes to pick up Rhonda for their date, but also offers his services as interior designer. His reason – helping out a friend. Nikki gladly accepts.
FLAGGED BEAT* – 13. INT. RHONDA’S HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Up until this point, Nikki has been avoiding Skye’s ghost, thinking she’s seeing things. This time, Skye appears in front of the TV. Nikki can’t ignore her now. Skye proves to Nikki ghosts and psychic abilities are real by giving her the combination to the safe.
The safe contains a family Grimoire and a protective amethyst necklace. Skye tells her to wear it always. Then she leaves Nikki to let all this sink in, with a promise they’ll spend more time to get to know each other and Skye will teach her how to use her abilities.
*NOTES: I’m adding that Nikki is creeped out by the Grimoire and tells Skye she doesn’t plan to read it, nor is she keen to learn her abilities, but I’ll hint that she’s still a little curious about the tome by giving it a tiny peek at the end of the scene.
REWRITE – 13. INT. RHONDA’S HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Up until this point, Nikki has been avoiding Skye’s ghost, thinking she’s seeing things. This time, Skye appears in front of the TV. Nikki can’t ignore her now. Skye proves to Nikki ghosts and psychic abilities are real by giving her the combination to the safe.
The safe contains a family Grimoire and a protective amethyst necklace. Skye tells her to wear it always. Then she leaves Nikki to let all this sink in, with a promise they’ll spend more time to get to know each other and Skye will teach her how to use her abilities.
Nikki doesn’t like any of this and sets them both aside like they’re contaminated. Though upsetting to Skye, she understands and says she’ll give Nikki time to let it all sink in, with a promise they’ll spend more time to get to know each other. When Skye leaves, Nikki is unsettled…but her curiosity has her peering at the Grimoire. She pinches the corner of the cover and carefully lifts it to peek inside.
Act 2B
14. INT. BAILEY HOUSE – DAY
Nikki’s contractor friends, Brent & Dana Halister, help her move into the recently remodeled master bedroom and bath. We learn Andrew works for Croft Industries, but the name is lost on Nikki (hint: Tyler Croft). They all hear footsteps in one of the other bedrooms, but they explain it away. Brent & Dana leave, excited to start working on the rest of the house next week.
15. Mid-Point: INT. BAILEY HOUSE – NIGHT
As Nikki’s getting ready for bed, Skye appears and warns Nikki she isn’t alone. She tells her to put the protective necklace on. When they investigate, Nikki has a horrifying encounter with a ghost that has a broken neck! She runs screaming from the house.
16. INT. NIKKI’S MINIVAN – MOMENTS LATER
Nikki hightails it out of the house and takes off in her minivan. But Granny appears in the passenger seat, startling Nikki and asking why she ran. Uh…GHOSTS! Granny convinces Nikki to do some research on the house to see if they can learn who’s haunting it. That she can do! But she’s spending the night at Rhonda’s.
17. 2nd Turning Point: INT. LINDOW PUBLIC LIBRARY – DAY
The next morning, Nikki goes to the library and learns the house was built by Arthur Bailey in 1874. His wife killed their two children and threw herself out the attic window. Arthur shot himself six weeks later. And worse, almost every resident after the tragedy has died in similar ways. Nikki realizes she’s in danger and feels like she’s been swindled. She calls Brian, pissed.
FLAGGED BEAT* – 18. INT. RHONDA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Nikki catches Rhonda up on everything that’s happened. Although Rhonda can’t see her, Skye is sitting beside her on the couch. After Nikki vents her frustrations at being stuck with a house she can’t sell and she’s in danger, Skye assures her she’s not in danger. With her experience and Nikki’s new psychic abilities, they can do this. Nikki reluctantly agrees to go back to the Bailey House.
*NOTES: If I add the teaser scene, I think I need to add a little more hesitation on Nikki’s part and possibly have her bring up the nightmares she had as a kid. I might even have Skye’s expression indicate she knows more about those nightmares than Nikki thinks. We as readers know Skye’s aware those weren’t nightmares, but I’ll have her keep her mouth shut because she’s trying to convince Nikki to go to the house, not scare her away from it. Changes will be made in the dialogue, so I won’t rewrite this beat here.
Act 3
19. EXT. BAILEY HOUSE – NIGHT
Lesson #1: To get rid of ghosts, you need to resolve their unfinished business. And that means just talking to them. They look scary, and they can be intimidating, but they aren’t dangerous once you figure out what they want. Trembling like a leaf, Nikki follows her grandmother into the house.
FLAGGED BEAT* –20. Crisis: INT. BAILEY HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Nikki doesn’t like splitting up, but Skye insists they’ll be fine. She goes into the kitchen while Nikki goes upstairs. Although Nikki sees the ghost, she doesn’t have a chance to talk to her. Grandma Skye is attacked in the living room! Nikki rushes down to defend her grandmother. The amulet is glowing. Nikki rushes the dark entity and takes a swing. The necklace gives her the power to ward off the entity and it dissolves like chafe on the wind. But it’s not gone. An exhausted Skye says to regroup outside.
*NOTES: I’m not happy with this ending. Nikki overcomes the dark entity way too easily. So, at end of the scene where she gets the Grimoire from Skye, I’ve inserted Nikki’s curiosity over it. This enables me to insert here Nikki using the amulet with something she’s learned from the Grimoire to ward off the evil entity…
REWRITE –20. Crisis: INT. BAILEY HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Nikki doesn’t like splitting up, but Skye insists they’ll be fine. She goes into the kitchen while Nikki goes upstairs. Although Nikki sees the ghost, she doesn’t have a chance to talk to her. Grandma Skye is attacked in the living room! Nikki rushes down to defend her grandmother. The entity knocks her on her ass, but that’s when she notices the amulet glowing around her neck. She holds the pendant in one fist, extends her other hand at the dark entity and says a few words in Latin. The dark entity howls and dissolves like chafe on the wind. But it’s not gone. An exhausted Skye says, “I thought you weren’t going to read the Grimoire.” Nikki sheepishly admits she might have taken a tiny peek at it. Skye says to regroup outside.
FLAGGED BEAT* – 21. Climax & Resolution: EXT. BAILEY HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
When Skye doesn’t appear right away, Nikki thinks she may have lost her. This loss compounds with the grief over her missing daughter and Nikki is reduced to sobs. But Skye reappears. Nikki’s grateful, but Skye realizes Nikki’s emotional state has more to do with Madison.
Skye assures Nikki her daughter is still alive. Madison wasn’t there at the white light to greet Skye when she passed over. This is a huge indication she’s still among the living. Skye vows to help Nikki do whatever she can to find Madison.
Skye shares that the house situation is more complicated than a classic haunting. They have to get rid of that dark entity before they can get rid of the other ghosts. First, they need to figure out what it is and why it’s there.
Nikki is faced with two choices: Abandoning this project and losing most of her inheritance OR facing her fears and accomplishing her goal of starting a new life. She’s been kicked out of one home. She doesn’t want to get kicked out of another, so she opts to face her fears as long as Granny is there to help. Skye assures her, “This ghost thing, we got. Your midlife crisis stuff? That’s gonna take more work.” They hold hands and go back into the house, determined to solve its mysteries.
*NOTES: So, with the new teaser scene added, I’m thinking of adding a demon, which only Skye will notice…but not say anything to Nikki. Then Skye encouraging Nikki to learn her abilities and tackle the house will become more useful than she knows…and leave that dangling.
REWRITE – 21. Climax & Resolution: EXT. BAILEY HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
When Skye doesn’t appear right away, Nikki thinks she may have lost her. This loss compounds with the grief over her missing daughter and Nikki is reduced to sobs. But Skye reappears. Nikki’s grateful, but Skye realizes Nikki’s emotional state has more to do with Madison.
While Skye comforts Nikki, she sees a gargoyle-like demon with glowing green eyes perched on a streetlamp, watching them. Though worried, she does not say anything to Nikki.
Skye assures Nikki her daughter is still alive. Madison wasn’t there at the white light to greet Skye when she passed over. This is a huge indication she’s still among the living. Skye vows to help Nikki do whatever she can to find Madison.
Skye shares that the house situation is more complicated than a classic haunting. They have to get rid of that dark entity before they can get rid of the other ghosts. First, they need to figure out what it is and why it’s there.
Skye presents Nikki with two choices: “Abandon this project and risk losing most of your inheritance, or face your fears, learn to use your abilities, and accomplish your goal of starting a new life.” Nikki says she’s been kicked out of one home. She doesn’t want to get kicked out of another, so she opts to face her fears as long as Granny is there to help. Skye assures her, “This ghost thing, we got. Your midlife crisis stuff? That’s gonna take more work. But I have a feeling your abilities will be more useful than you know.” They hold hands and go back into the house, determined to solve its mysteries. The demon hunkers down for his watchful vigil.
22. Closing Teaser: INT. KILDEER MENTAL HOSPITAL – NIGHT
We see Aunt Dottie at the mental ward. While a gargoyle-like demon with glowing ice-blue eyes is sucking out her psychic energy, her sister Snookie’s spirit comforts her through the pain. What are the dark secrets this family is hiding???
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Marie’s Beat Sheet
What I learned: how to brainstorm story beats quickly and then go over them and rewrite them immediately. Normally, I’d have to wait before I could evaluate my work with an unattached eye. Isolating the beats was helpful.
Logline: A veteran of the brutal Mexican Wars for Independence is sent to the childhood home he swore he would never set foot in again to gain support for the newly installed Republic. But when a bank of fog driven by angry spirits traps him there, he and his childhood tormentors must face nasty truths about their pasts or die.
1. EXT. CLIFFS – NIGHT
Father Zabala sees the Fog Spirits rolls in and runs out to the cliffs, shoving aside Ushi, a native girl, and interrupting her song of comfort. He exorcizes the spirits, ignoring her warning that they will come back and be angry.
2. EXT. REDWOOD FOREST – DAY
Ramon has been sent to all the Missions in California to drum up support for the new Mexican Republic. He has one more left and he’d rather be going anywhere else.
3. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon arrives to cheers from the locals. He delivers a rousing speech about the new government. The workers are ecstatic about equal rights for everyone, while the rancheros seem less enthused.
4. INT. MISSION, GUEST DINING ROOM – DAY
Ramon schmoozes at the party. Antonio, his childhood bully, mocks his mestizo heritage to humiliate him, while his father Enrique brags about his achievements.
5. INT. MISSION – NIGHT
Enrique waylays Ramon in private pressures Ramon to abandon the lucrative post awaiting him in Mexico City and stay. When Ramon tries to explain what the Republic means to him, Enrique brushes it off.
6. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Ramon goes for a walk to clear his head. Finds Ushi locked in the stocks, whipped and bleeding. A couple of the Mission’s handful of guards (including Antonio’s son Balto) are groping her and talking about assaulting her. Ramon beats them for disgracing the uniform and releases Ushi.
7. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
The Fog Spirits roll back in over the Pacific and they are angry. Zabala sees the bank of fog coming and flees to the chapel.
8. INT. RAMON’S ROOM – DAY
Cascon fetches Ramon from his room. Says it’s his father.
9. EXT. MAIN COURTYARD – DAY
The fog is so too thick to see more than two feet. Enrique lies in the fountain, dead, and covered in strange markings. The other settlers have gathered around. Ramon asks who saw him last.
10. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
We see Enrique as Domingo, Ramirez, and Cascon tell Ramon when they last saw him. He was drunk, he argued with his wife Maria, one settler saw him talking to a someone, but they can’t say who. It got heated and Enrique was shouting.
11. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon asks Cascon to show him every whip or tool that might have made the marks on the body and tells the settlers to stay together and stick to the common guest areas or their rooms.
12. INT. BARN – DAY
Ramon checks the guests’ gear and discovers that Enrique’s custom whip with his initials on it has gone missing.
13. INT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon checks Enrique and Maria’s room, while Maria accuses him of the crime. Doesn’t find the whip.
14. EXT. WALKWAY – DAY
Eulalia is drawing and sees a woman in the fog, but she disappears. When Eulalia looks down, she realizes that the picture she was drawing was of the woman.
15. INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
The guests all eat dinner together. The room is silent and tense.
16. INT. COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Maria asks Antonio if he’s just to sit there while Ramon does this to his son, to her. He follows Ramon and Eulalia as they leave.
17. EXT. WALKWAY – NIGHT
Antonio confronts Ramon for laying hands on his son. Domingo interrupts and draws Antonio away, saying that he’s bad at being drunk.
18. EXT. WALKWAY – NIGHT
On the way back to their room, Ramon sees a little boy in the fog. Tells Eulalia it’s nothing.
19. INT. DOMINGO’S ROOM – NIGHT
Domingo confronts his kids and demands to know whether one of them killed Enrique. Domingo has plans to build an empire and they are ruining it for him. Stupid.
20. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Antonio staggers outside and hears the voice of his dead brother Jaime. Laughing and saying that Antonio was never good enough.
21. INT. BASILICA – DAY
At the funeral, Zabala sees starving children, their cheeks and eyes sunken, clutching at his robes with bony little fingers. He cries out and backs away, only to discover that they are gone, and the congregation is staring at him, alarmed.
22. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramirez and his people decide to brave the weather and return home.
23. EXT. WALKWAY – DAY
Domingo approaches Ramon and tries to convince him that he is an ally. Tells Ramon that Antonio won’t inherit – his younger son will. Maria is around the corner eavesdropping and hears him.
24. INT. MISSION – DAY
Eulalia helps Cascon polish the Mission’s many carved wooden sculptures. Finds a statue of the Virgin Mary whose face is the same as the woman in the fog. Cascon tells her that Domingo carved it based on Ramon’s mother.
25. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Zabala is teaching class to the Mission’s children and sees the starving ghosts again, this time covered in bleeding whip marks. He starts ranting and screaming, frightening his students. He’s convinced he’s being attacked by demons.
26. INT. WORKSHOP – DAY
Ramon continues his search with Santos, the leader of the workers helping him. Santos says most of the workers are singing to try and placate the spirits, but the ghosts don’t want to leave. The priest made them angry.
27. EXT. WORKER’S QUARTERS – DAY
Ramon hears yelling and investigates, to find Zabala stalking the workers’ quarters, whip in hand, screaming for them to bring out the witch. He wants to beat her until she calls off the demons. Ramon pries the whip from his hand and realizes it’s Enrique’s.
28. INT. ZABALA’S ROOM – DAY
Ramon searches Zabala’s room and finds a diary. Zabala says that all the Mission’s priests keep an account of their time here.
29. EXT. COURTYARD – DAY
Ramon sees the little boy again, beckoning to him, so he follows. The boy disappears into the fog.
30. EXT. WALKWAY – DAY
Ramon walks past Antonio, sprawled across a bench, swilling wine. As he passes, Antonio spits on the ground and calls him chango. He pauses, then keeps walking.
31. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Antonio sees Jaime again, more clearly this time. Jaime says he was always better than Antonio, just like Ramon. That’s why Antonio killed him. Antonio says it was an accident.
32. INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Eulalia is looking for a book to read. Hears a woman’s voice whispering to leave, run. She gets spooked and turns to go, runs into Antonio. He corners her. Cascon interrupts.
33. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramirez limps/crawls back to the Mission, saying that his people went crazy, seeing things that weren’t there. They were all lost or killed.
34. INT. MISSION – DAY
Lopez, Ramon’s second-in-command, tries to convince him to leave and he refuses.
35. INT. ZABAL’S ROOM – DAY
Zabala is praying and erupts into a raging fever and burning rash. He screams.
36. EXT. COURTYARD – DAY
Eulalia sees the woman again, but this time, she is gruesome, covered in dirt and bleeding from terrible wounds – there is a huge hole in her head. Eulalia screams and falls, hitting her head.
37. INT. RAMON’S ROOM – DAY
Ramon checks on Eulalia. When he asks her what woman she saw, she points to her drawing book. He looks and finds one picture of the woman after another, each more horrifying than the next. He recognizes the face. Drops the drawings and clutches his head, then flees into the fog.
38. INT. WORKER’S QUARTERS – DAY
Ramon finds Santos, who is in bad shape, and asks how they can make the spirits leave. Santos says you have to see. When Ramon asks what he has to see, Santos won’t answer.
39. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon goes looking for the boy, who appears and gives him a key.
40. INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Ramon finds a journal written by Zabala’s predecessor. It mentions something bad that happened during a raid but gives no specifics.
41. INT. CASCON’S ROOM – DAY
Ramon takes the journal to Cascon, who says he wasn’t there and doesn’t know what happened. The only people left who were there are Domingo and Antonio.
42. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Antonio continues to see his brother Jaime, who shows him the ghosts of all the people he hurt. Antonio snaps and stabs him. At first, it seems real – Jaime dies in his arms. Then the body disappears to the sound of mocking laughter.
43. INT. DOMINGO’S ROOM – NIGHT
Maria tells Antonio that Domingo plans to disinherit him. He confronts his father, who berates him. Maria kills Domingo. Tells Antonio that now they can get what they both deserve. Antonio chokes her to death. He waits for the apparition to disappear, but it doesn’t. He really killed her. He runs out into the fog.
44. INT. BASILICA – NIGHT
Zabala prays desperately for heavenly assistance, while all around him are horrors of illness and death. A woman, shaved bald and covered in filth and sores from her shackles lifts a stillborn baby, the umbilical cord still attached. Blood from the baby drips onto Zabal’s face, staining him red. He screams.
45. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Covered in blood and carrying a large silver cross, Zabala has his guards drag Ushi across the ground, screaming for her to call off the demons. The workers crowd around, begging him to stop, but their faces blur and turn into ghosts. He attacks wildly, swinging his cross at them, then hits something solid. His vision clears and he sees that he has caved in Ushi’s skull with the cross. The workers all stare at him, enraged. He runs.
46. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
The spirits pursue Zabala, surrounding him, hitting him. He throws himself off the cliff.
47. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
The workers attack Zabala’s guards. The Mission erupts into violent chaos.
48. INT RAMON’S ROOM – NIGHT
Eulalia can hear the fights and screaming. The spirit woman’s voice tells her to hide. She locks the door, grabs Ramon’s gun out the chest and slips under the bed. Tries to load it, her hands shaking. The doorknob turns. Then something hits the door, hard. Antonio barrels into the room, calling for Ramon. Then the feet start moving around, looking for her. Something hits him and throws him out of the room.
49. INT. DOMINGO’S ROOM – NIGHT
Ramon goes to confront Domingo and finds him and Maria dead.
50. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Ramon exits the building and sees the violence. Grabs Lopez as he runs past, tells him to dig into a defensible position while Ramon gets Eulalia.
51. INT. RAMON’S ROOM – NIGHT
Ramon finds Eulalia hiding under the bed. Helps her out and grabs his weapons. Eulalia helps him gather the gear and they go.
52. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Cascon begs everyone to stop, to no avail. He is forced to hide and pray.
53. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
54. Antonio moved through the compound, covered in blood and killing everyone he sees. Runs someone through and realizes he has killed Balto, his son. Tells his dying son that it wasn’t him, it was them. He will kill them all.
55. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
Ramon runs with Eulalia, trying to avoid combatants in the fog. A light appears near the cliffs, away from the fighting. They go to it.
56. EXT. CLIFFS – NIGHT
A spirit appears and it’s the woman. Ramon recognizes his mother. She reaches out and he drops to his knees. Dredges up a half-remembered song. He calls the spirits to him. They come, coalescing and swirling around him. The boy appears and joins the woman, and Eulalia recognizes him – he’s a younger version of Ramon. The spirits show Ramon the truth. Enrique, Domingo, and Antonio hunted her down when she tried to return to her people with Ramon. They killed her in front of him and clubbed the boy unconscious when he tried to interfere. When he came to, they convinced him it was bandits.
57. EXT. CLIFFS – NIGHT
Antonio attacks out of the fog. They fight. Ramon tells Antonio the spirits won’t leave until he sees. He has to look at what he did. Antonio laughs wildly and says that lying whore deserved it – he’d do it all again if he could make Ramon watch. Ramon lifts his weapon and shatters Antonio’s leg, then backs away and lets the spirits have him. They drag Antonio into the night, screaming.
58. EXT. CLIFFS – NIGHT
Ramon’s mother spears again and he says goodbye to her.
59. EXT. MISSION – NIGHT
The spirits fade, the fog clears, and the frenzied violence evaporates.
60. EXT. MISSION – DAY
Ramon and Eulalia say goodbye to Cascon and head back to Mexico City.
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The Santa Brotherhood
Beat Sheet
Title: THE SANTA BROTHERHOOD
Logline: When an employee of a retail outdoor store, who likes to play it safe, accepts the invitation of three store Santas to join their ranks, he does so, only to find they are part of an ancient secret society and the quest they want him for is clandestine and perilous.
INT. OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
Introduces protagonist, Doug Glenn, decor designer for Outdoor Adventure World, who gets challenged by the three store Santas to step out of the mundane work world to live a higher purpose, one of perpetual generosity. Intros poor single mom, Louise and daughter Peyton as the kind of people the Santas are committed to helping. Intros Pookie, a stuffed animal, which personifies divine providence is at work bringing people together for a higher purpose.
INT. OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
The Santas challenge to Doug to join their secret society, at a time when they are launching a quest to help the children and single moms in the most dangerous section of the city—The Project. We find Doug and wife, Sonia, are facing foreclosure. Doug dreams of being kidnapped by men in a red van.
EXT. OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
Doug has inhaled too much Christmas tree flock, Santas pull up in red van and rush to hospital, saving his life. Doug’s resistance to their invitation melts, he agrees to, at least, learn what they are all about.
EXT./INT. THE NORTH POLE – DAY
The Santas take him to their clandestine HQ and reveal the depth and breadth of the Brotherhood’s historic benevolent workings. They reveal their new quest to make a difference in the lives of kids and single moms living in the most dangerous neighborhood of the city—The Project. We see a humorous reenactment of St. Nicholas delivering his legendary three bags of money to the daughters of an impoverished man.
INT. OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
Doug gets his first experience doing a traditional store Santa gig. He realizes playing Santa is more than listening to kids ask for gifts. Sometimes the requests go far deeper and emotional.
EXT. THE PROJECT – DAY
Doug’s visits The Project. Overwhelmed with fear, he almost backs out for good. Then, he sees Louise and Peyton. They live there and this opens his heart to want to help.
INT. THE NORTH POLE – DAY
We learn the backgrounds of each member of the Brotherhood—a Hell’s Angel, a Marine Reconnaissance Vet, and a Black Belt Ju Jitsu World Champion. We find out why The Santa Brotherhood means so much to them. Doug is moved by their bravery and also feels much more safe.
EXT./INT. THE NORTH POLE – DAY
Doug commits to becoming a Santa. Since the Santas make their benevolence money doing Santa gigs in the Christmas season, and do Super hero and Clown Parties throughout the rest of the year, the Santas put him through training—First, creating balloon animals, second, taking him on his first midnight Santa run to leave gifts and aid to a needy family. He encounters a pit bull. Doug manages to outrun him, inspiring the Santas to give him the superhero name of Cheetah Man.
INT. OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
Doug falls asleep at work, and gets a warning from the manager. At lunch, the Santas and Doug are taking a photo, in the break room, to promote their super hero gigs at the same time the gang leader at The Project, T. Roy and some of his gang attempt a “smash and grab” of guns and ammo. Doug wants to abide by company policy and hide, but the tough Santas boldly go to confront the thieves. Doug, hangs back but finally musters enough courage to leave the break room, just in time to “accidentally” thwart the robbery. A news photographer takes their picture and blasts it on the front page of tomorrow’s paper.
INT. OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
Sam, the manager shows Doug and the Santa’s the footage of the attempted robbery. Doug recognizes T. Roy as the same guy who lives at The Project.
EXT. GAS STATION – DAY
T. Roy and gang realize that Doug and one of the Santas, Abe, have been to The Project. They suspect they are undercover agents of some sort.
INT. MISS AMY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Doug and the Santas meet with Miss Amy and discuss plans for a pre-Christmas party. Doug will play Santa and get the kid’s requests and learn of any needs the mothers may have. As they leave in the red Santa van, T. Roy pays Miss Amy a visit.
EXT. STREET NEAR TARGET HOUSE #2 – NIGHT
Doug attempts his second midnight Santa run, but raises the suspicion of the police. A chase ensues. Doug narrowly escapes.
INT. OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
Doug falls asleep at work for three hours, and gets fired.
INT. DOUG’S HOME – DAY
Sonia shows Doug a foreclosure letter. Doug has to tell her he’s been fired. He will work out with the bank to do a “short sale” of their house. Sonia threatens to leave and go live with her father in the nursing home.
INT. THE PROJECT CLUBHOUSE – DAY
The pre-Christmas party happens. Doug plays Santa. Miss Amy shows the first signs of stomach problems. T. Roy catches Doug alone and threatens to shut down their Christmas Eve Santa run to The Project unless Doug gives him the ammo he needs for the one gun he was able to steal in their “smash and grab”. T. Roy also threatens to harm Louise and Peyton.
INT. OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
Doug buys the ammo, but also buys blank ammo for the same gun. The amount is so high, $1,200, it triggers a “Red Flag Warning”. Sam, the manager, confronts Doug and asks if he should be worried.
INT. DOUG’S HOME, BASEMENT – NIGHT
Doug switched the blanks to the real ammo boxes. Doug wads up the receipt and puts it in his pocket. If Sonia saw it, she would explode in anger.
INT. DOUG’S HOME, DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Sonia asks if he has called the mortgage company. He pulls out his phone to show her it’s on his “list app”. The receipt falls out, Sonia picks it up.
18b. INT. CORPORATE HQ OUTDOOR ADVENTURE WORLD – DAY
CEO, Tommy Moss finds out Doug has been terminated and begins to investigate why.
18c. EXT. THE PROJECT – DAY
Tommy Moss comes, with Sam to witness Doug and the Santas working with the kids at The Project.
EXT. THE PROJECT – NIGHT
It’s Christmas Eve. Doug and the Santas arrive with the Santa van and Bob’s truck full of wrapped packages. As everyone goes to get Miss Amy, and Bob does one more surveillance trip in his truck, T. Roy and Slice steal the Santa van.
EXT. STREETS OF THE CITY – NIGHT
Doug, the Santas and Miss Amy chase the van, alerting a nearby police cruiser. All three vehicles high speed through a parking lot with speed bumps, weave through the streets and then go down an embankment to a river road.
EXT. RIVER ROAD – NIGHT
T. Roy crashes the van. He and Slice run away on foot. Doug and Cal pursue. T. Roy begins to shoot. Cal hides, but Doug keeps running until he tackles them and they go into the river. The police arrest T. Roy and Slice. Doug, the Santas and Miss Amy go on to deliver the packages to all the kids. Miss Amy has to be rushed to the hospital with her ailment.
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Doctor reports she has a dangerous form of ulcer. Prescribes medication and sends her home. Louise will look after her. Doug invites the Santas and their families to Christmas dinner.
INT. DOUG’S HOME – NIGHT
After food and fun, Doug explains how working with the Santas has changed his life. They have taught him “Not to work just to become wealthy, but to become generous.”
Tommy Moss comes unexpectedly to ask Doug to come back to the company as director of the new Kid’s Adventure World program, with three times the salary. Tommy gives him a large bonus, and also the deed to their home which he bought in the short sale and is now gifting back to them paid in full.
INT. MISS AMY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Miss Amy’s condition worsens. Feeling she is about to die, she asks Doug to see if the authorities will let T. Roy can come and see her. She reveals he is her estranged son and only family.
INT. MISS AMY’S APARTMENT – DAY
T. Roy and Miss Amy make amends just before she passes away. T. Roy vows to change his ways.
EXT. THE PROJECT – DAY
One year later, we see that The Project has been revitalized.
EXT./INT. KID’S ADVENTURE WORLD CAMPGROUND – DAY
The Santas arrive to be part of a fishing tournament with the kids. The proceeds will go to a charity chosen by the kids. At Tommy’s request, Doug and he take out a small bass boat to have their corporate meeting.
MISS AMY’S GRAVE SIGHT – DAY
Doug, the Santas, Louise and Peyton visit to honor the grandmother of The Project, whose dream it was to see The Project Turned around.
INT. PRISON – DAY
Doug and the Santas have been working with T. Roy and the prisoners to change their lives for the better. T. Roy gives his inspirational testimony as a Black pastor would to a Black congregation. Doug and the Santas recreate the rest of the meeting in the same way, with games, as they did with the kids at the pre-Christmas party back at The Project.
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Anna’s Story Beats
What I learned from this assignment. This has been the most extensive exercise I have done in all of the courses. Nearly made me crazy. Really very glad I did it. The result is a much better flow and meeting with Hal’s method of horror and then release. I had too much horror stuck together and then either too much story or not enough. It has taken me days to do this. What really helped was printing off the script and taping it to my apartment walls. Much easier to see the whole flow and where the problems were, (big picture.) I am so very pleased I did this work. I love the result.
Assignment 1
The Long Dark
LOG LINE
The appearance of Sasquatch and a brutal attack on a local girl, have Chief Frankie Manystreams working hard to lead his people back to the traditional ways. He gets assistance he did not bargain for with a series of terrifying attacks by Spirit Animals.
ORIGINAL BEATS
1 ESTABLISHING. EXT.YUKON FOREST/EARLY WINTER/DAY
showing isolation, sounds, and atmosphere.
2 INT/GRUNGY BAR/TRAILER/AFTERNOON/DARK
introductions to antagonist Smiley Ford, an outsider, and his newfound local co-conspirators Norman and Francis Smith.
3 EXT.PARKING AREA/DARK AFTERNOON
Establishes Smiley’s money situation, and reveals part of the plan.
4 INT.SMILEY’S TRUCK/AFTERNOON
The men plan to abduct and torture a local girl for sport.
5 EXT.DEEP FOREST BUSH ROAD/EVENING
Horrific scene dragging Willow Summer to the cabin. Gasoline is taken in to destroy evidence.
6. MISSING
7 EXT.CABIN AND FOREST/NIGHT
Isolation and sounds of torture established
8 INT.CABIN/NIGHT error
The men are passed out. Willow escapes.
9 EXT.CABIN/MORNING
Willow’s escape continued. The appearance of spirit animals are crows morphing into grizzly bears.
10 INT.CABIN/MORNING
The men are regaining consciousness. Sasquatch screams pierce and the stench of Sasquatch’s presence pierces the air,
11 EXT.CABIN/MORNING
Norman is dragged out of the cabin by the 1st bear, blood and gore attack 2nd Grizzley drags Francis out and eats him alive.
12 EXT.BUSH ROAD/MORNING
Smiley slithers along the cabin wall and escapes, running like hell through the bush.
13 EXT.RESERVATION HELICOPTER LANDING PAD AREA/DAY
Introduces a change maker. Lilly arrives at the rez and her purpose is to help the local women improve their finances. Introduces Bill as a potential love interest. He offers to evacuate Lilly if it becomes too dangerous.
14 EXT.CABIN/DAY Lilly explores the woods outside her cabin and has an encounter with Sasquatch
15 INT.LILLY’S CABIN/EVENING
Lilly contacts George (a local healer) and asks him for help.
16 INT.GEORGE’S TRAILER/NIGHT
George and Lilly have a discussion about the Sasquatch and the meaning of its appearance to Lilly. George explains the difficulties facing the rez and the trauma legacy of the residential schools. George instructs Lilly on safety precautions following the new of Willow Summer and the bodies of Norman and Francis Smith.
17 EXT.TOWN ROAD/NIGHT
The beauty of the north is witnessed. George escorts Lilly to her cabin. and makes it safe for the night
18 INT.LILLY’S CABIN/NIGHT
George demonstrates the bear observation panel and makes the cabin safe for the night.
19 EXT.LILLY’S CABIN/NIGHT
George and Lilly bid good night and make arrangements for Lilly to have rifle practice.
20 INT.GEORGE’S TRAILER/NIGHT
George is rattled by the evening’s events and phones his AA sponsor Chief Frankie for help.. He is tempted by a bottle of whiskey and manages to pour it down the drain.
21 EXT.BAR/NIGHT flag for sequencing error
Smiley Ford disrupts the rape of a teenage boy, and shoots the perpetrator.
22 EXT.CHIEF FRANKIE’S BUSH CABIN/EVENING STORY WEB ISSUE
Illustrates the isolation, the peace, and the weather
23 INT. CHIEF’S FRANKIE MANYSTREAMS CABIN/EVENING STORY WEB ISSUE omit/keep
George and Frankie finish their visit. Frankie is talking to his dead wife when Sasquatch appears and terrifies Frankie. He needs his heart medicine. Frankie needs more logs and encounters a spirit bear, which wards him off with a traditional mantra.
24 EXT.CABIN, NIGHT SKY/NIGHT
Night sky. Background sounds of an air ambulance helicopter.
25 INT. LILLY’S CABIN/NIGHT
a phone call from Bill arranges to meet Lilly.
26 EXT.SCHOOL BUILDING/NIGHT
Frankie has returned from the hospital and calls a meeting to discuss the attacks with the residents. Sweetgrass ceremony. Frankie is angry with the behavior of the residents; he explains that the spirit animals and sasquatch are there for retribution. He demands a return to the traditional code of behavior. Invites all to a healing ceremony and a feast.
27 EXT.TRUCK BUSH ROAD/NIGHT
A group of young people who disrupted the meeting meet a spirit animal Cougar. One of the group is killed, and the others run away.
28 EXT.BUSH ROAD/NIGHT
29 INT. THE SMOKEY GRILL CAFÉ/MORNING OMIT
Bill and Lilly meet. Bill brings her a gift of buffalo meat. They decide to go to Lilly’s cabin.
30 INT.LILLY’S CABIN/AFTERNOON
Bill and Lilly cook food and have an intimate encounter.
31 INT.SCHOOL GYM/EVENING
Second Emergency meeting
32 INT.LILLY’S CABIN/EVENING
33 EXT.SWEAT LODGE/NIGHT
Some residents participate in a ceremony for healing
34 INT SMOKEY GRILL CAFE/MORNING DUPLICATION OUT OF SEQUENCE
Bill brings Lilly a gift of Buffalo meat. They have coffee. Lilly invites him back to the cabin.
They have an intimate encounter.
35 EXT.BUSH ROAD/EVENING STORY WEB ISSUE
36 EXT. VILLAGE HIGH STREET/NIGHT STORY WEB ISSUE WRONG SEQUENCE OF EVENTS SHOULD FIT AFTER HELICOPTER RESCUE BETTER
MISSING SECOND VILLAGE MEETING
MISSING SHOULD BE BUSH ROAD RE ANNA’S ATTACK AND RESCUE BY BILL
MISSING SHOULD BE LILLY’S CABIN DAY
37 INT.CABIN/NIGHT
Dorothy from the group is drinking in solitude
38 INT.TRAILER/NIGHT
Two children cling to their parents terrified and crying.
39 INT.REBECCA SMALLMOUTAIN’S CABIN/NIGHT
Rebecca’s Dad is boarding up the windows.
40 EXT.RESERVATION/MORNING
Mounties/State troopers are going door to door to gather information and calm residents.
41 EXT.RESERVATION/MORNING STORY WEB ISSUE
42 INT. CHIEF’S FRANKIE MANYSTREAMS CABIN/EVENING STORY WEB ISSUE
43 EXT.CABIN, NIGHT SKY/NIGHT STORY WEB ISSUE
44 EXT. RESERVATION HIGH STREET/MORNING
The last truck arrives with 300 too many Christmas trees. . George sends suitcases packed with Cariboo meat. to Vancouver.
45 INT.SMOKEY GRILL COFFEE SHOP/DAY
George is feeling generous as he gets a large e-transfer for lost luggage. He has made a false claim. Lilly comes to the rescue. with a plan for the trees.
46 EXT.RESERVATION HIGH STREET/MORNING
Residents are enjoying taking pictures and having a good time at the feast. Friendship dance.
47 EXT. LILLY’S CABIN/DAY Lilly and Bill take off for a snowmobile ride. Make love in the snow, are observed by a moose, and make a hasty departure.
48 INT.GEORGE’S CABIN/EVENING
George gets a phone call. The caribou meat, melted/stinky has been found in San Francisco. A demand is made for him to repay the false claim.
49 INT.LILLY’S CABIN/MORNING
Bill and Lilly make plans to go to Mexico together. They discuss meeting Frankie and George at the grill.
50 INT.SMOKEY GRILL/MORNING
George reveals his misdemeanor with the insurance claim. Frankie reveals that Bill will be seeing his 5-year-old daughter over New Year. Lilly is shocked he has not shared this info with her.
51 EXT. HIGH STREET/MIDDAY
The four friends say goodbye. George speculates that they will be back.
52 NT.SCHOOL GYM/DAY
Santa Claus visits.
53 EXT.HELICOPTER PAD/AFTERNOON
Bill and Lilly pack themselves into the helicopter to Vancouver
54 EXT.HELICOPTER/AFTERNOON
Helicopter flying over the Rocky mountains. Bill and Lilly discuss the stress of the last weeks and look forward to chilling out on the beach.
55 EXT.GARAGE FORECOURT/EARLY MORNING
Smiley Ford meets with a spirit cougar. The animal savages him, a can of gas falls over and ignites burning Smiley to death.
56 EXT.RESERVATION VILLAGE/LATE AFTERNOON
The village appears peaceful. Light snow is falling. There is the mournful howling of Sasquatch in the distance and the background sound of native drums beating the heartbeat rhythm.
Assignment 2
Improved Beats
MOVED beat 21 to beat 40
Smiley Ford disrupts a perpetrator attacking a boy.
( place after two attacks by spirit animals, after the second meeting and Frankie comments,’ the cycle of abuse is the gift that keeps on giving illustrates the perpetrator as a childhood victim.)
OMIT 34
35 Add info re helicopter rescue
37 should be a sweat lodge scene followed by
scene heading for women’s circle
41 expand details of families coping.
42 and 43 omit repeat
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Jeff Hall’s Story Beats
What I learned. Separating out scenes/beats is a much more efficiant way of improving a script. Brilliant.
Act 1
1. INT. Large Farm House – Night (IMPROVED)
The Tall man slays a family. (Writes symbols on the wall with blood)
4. EXT. CITY STREET – DAY (Improved)
Introduce Sheriff Merl and his immoral ways. And hint at Ben’s position/history. (Merl hints to knowing of Ben’s opium addiction)
16. EXT. GRAVE YARD – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
(He takes opium) Ben buries Roy next to the Peterson family. He was loved by the family and practically part of it. A drunk protests this, but Ben threatens him with his gun.
21. EXT. TRAIN STATION – DAY (IMPROVED)
Ben jumps the train leaving town. (Ben just steps onto the train, not “run/jump”)
Act 2
22. EXT. CHAMBERS TRAIN DEPOT – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Hobos throw Ben off the train at the next town. He have robbed him. No boots. No money. (No opium bottle).
23. (IMPROVED ADDED SCENE)
INT. DOCTOR OFFICE – DAY
Requests a refill of his opium bottle. Doctor informs him that the law has changed. He is not allowed to sell it. Needs to be examined first.)
25. (IMPROVED – ADDED SCENE)
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Breaks in pharmacy and steels a bottle of opium.
26. INT. BAR – DAY (IMPROVED)
Ben drinks. Puts opium in his drink. Gambles with locals. Tells them he is looking for work. Loses his last few coins away. Can not pay tab. (Can’t pay what was gambled, he is beaten up)… thrown out and kicked in the street.
27. EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
(Ben is high in this scene) Ben wanders through town, looking for anyone or anything suspicious. Walks by Muller house and dog chases him away.
28. EXT. JAIL HOUSE – MORNING (IMPROVED)
Sheriff Schmidt forces Ben behind bars. Scolds him for of his actions in the city. He lets him go with a stern warning. (Orders him to find work and pay tab/gambling debt)
44. INT. SCHMIDT HOUSE – DAY (IMPROVED)
Ben is kept in Sheriff Schmidt’s house. Nursed by Mrs Schmidt.
Sheriff Grayson offers to take him back to his home town. Ben overhears and sneaks out (Motivated by his anger for Sheriff Merl Grayson)
Act 3
49. EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Ben huddles in a corner and sleeps. (Storms on him)
57. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Ben examine the strange book he found on the train. Maria informs him that its time for him to leave. Gives him a blanket. (Matty/Patty see him acting string/high. Greatly ashamed, he smashes his opium supply).
58. EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Ben see the Tall Man dragging all the orphans a ropes. Ben is startle awake by Maria brings coffee. Ben warns to keep the orphanage door bolted. (Maria sits and they have a moment)
60. INT. CHURCH – DAY (IMPROVED)
Ben sits in the back row. Preacher mentions the biblical Benjamin. Judging eyes. Sits behind Tall Man and is nervous(and sweating). (he is going through withdrawals)
61. EXT. CHURCH – DAY (IMPROVED)
Rushes out of the church and vomits. (Does not vomit. He is shaking beyond control. Checks his pockets for his opium, nothing)
81. IMPROVED – ADDED SCENE
INT. JAIL HOUSE – NIGHT
Maria asks Ben to explain. He confesses to killing his father because his father killed his mom. And feels like this is his punish/penence. Ben says how much the loves the children. She says its because he is one of them. )
88. IMPROVED – DELETE THIS SCENE
INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
Maria tends to child and peaks out window.
89. IMPROVED – DELETE THIS SCENE)
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Maria helps her. Takes her to Jail House.
90. IMPROVED – DELETE THIS SCENE
Maria helps Nora lay on bed.
97. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT (IMPROVED)
Ben goes back in to save Patricia. Tall Man grins from above. With mouth to mouth, Ben saves her. Catherine is missing, Maria finds her and they can not save her.
(Patricia dies. Delete Catherin’s character)
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