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Day 3: Elevate the Beats of Your Story
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Mary and Rich Chamberlin’s Story Beats – ASSIGNMENT 1
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is elevating the beats of your story points out the discontinuities and allows you to create plug in solutions to the in progress early draft screenplay with minimal waste of time with non-structural elements.
**** Give us your logline.
GenX Morty and GenZ Jax are involuntarily teamed up in Screenwriting 101, and immediately struggle to pair wildly different concepts that mirror their chaotic lives into one amazing winning script.
Main Conflict: Can GenX and GenZ keep from killing each other as they try to integrate diverse opposing viewpoints, only to discover much common ground.
**** List the current beats of your script. Number them as I did above.
“Morty and Jax”
Act 1:
(1) INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
A cluster of feet stride by wearing Nike Airs, trendy flats, clogs and heals, than a pair of black Walmart gym shoes navigates through, quickly.
(2) INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
MORTY EIDER, 59 year-old male walks in carrying books, takes the only open seat in the back of the class, next to JAX ARNOLD, a 25 year-old psychobilly punker. The teacher, MS. BELLA BUSTAMONTE, enters and welcomes them to Screenwriting 101 class. She announces they’ll be paired up and graded together and there is a $500 college-wide annual contest tie in.
(3) INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Jax takes a phone call outside of class. He texts, “I’m assigned with an old loser.” Morty reads over his shoulder, “I’m not old, kid.” Implores him to get together to work tomorrow.
(4) INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – DAY
Morty, up at 5, dressed by 6, calls Jax. No reply. He leaves a message, Googles Jax’s number, gets his address and grabs his car keys.
(5) INT. CAR – DAY
Morty arrives at address. It’s a run down tenement. Strange.
(6) EXT. SCHOOL – DAY
Morty sits on a bench watching students stream by. No Jax. Looks at his watch and heads towards the Arts Center Building.
(7) INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
Jax sits at an easel in the back. The nude model who walks in is Morty. After striking poses, Morty jumps off the dais and heads towards Jax sans towel. Confronts “partner”. Jax who gets a threatening text from his father. “Get an A in all your classes or your funding is cut off.” Jax tells Morty he will meet with him that night at the diner.
(8) INT. DELL’S DINER – NIGHT
In a red vinyl booth, they disagree on their project theme, calling each other kid and old man. They make a truce and put money into a doggie bag each time one name calls. Waitress LOIS becomes arbitrator for their ideas. Morty wants “Shakespeare vs. Hitler” and Jax wants “Through the Alien Wormhole”. Lois sides with Jax. Morty buys dinner.
(9) EXT. DELL’S DINER – NIGHT
Morty offers Jax a ride home in his rolling wreck named Mabel. Jax carries the doggie bag with some of their name-calling cash already inside.
(10) INT. CAR – NIGHT
Mabel sounds as loud as a airplane engine. Morty says his $250 share of the winnings will just cover the repair bill.
(11) INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
The next evening, Morty sits alone before class and tries to mish-mash Hitler-like Aliens and World War two airplanes in a wormhole. Students file in, including Jax. Bella gets everyone to come up and pitch. Morty and then Jax’s are both disasters.
(12) INT. DINER – NIGHT
Morty and Jax need to work but instead talk about dating apps. Morty is attracted to Ms. Bustamonte and would like to date her. Jax vows to help Morty with getting a date.
(13) EXT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY
Morty shows up way too early at Jax’s apartment. 7:30 a.m. Morty is an early bird, Jax a night owl.
(14) INT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY
Morty snoops finding recycled wall art d’object and Jax is the artist. Questioning him, Jax is cagey. Morty is offered espresso in demitasse cups. Morty finds out about that Jax family is rich. Jax bribes Morty to forget S vs H by picking out dating apps.
(15) EXT. MORTY’S HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY
It’s a middle-class neighborhood. Jax is at his door at noon.
(16) INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – DAY
Jax snoops, finds a picture of woman and child, good Samaritan award, detailed model airplanes, and a record collection including Queen Bohemian Rhapsody. Jax teases and questions. Morty serves coffee, they riff on ideas to no avail.
(17) EXT. MORTY’S YARD – DAY
Morty convinces Jax to go out into the yard to play act one of his ideas to get unstuck. Morty takes out tools from his shed to demonstrate his idea, “Yard Wars” complete with Rake Plant Talker, RUDeet Spray, Princess Lettuce Organic, etc. It’s terrible.
(18) INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Before class starts, Morty hurriedly sends a text to Ms. Bustamonte. He flubs it. “Ho Ms. Busty would you like a mate?”
(19) INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Damn spell checker. Morty and Jax realize his mistake. Ms. Bustamonte dings them.
(20) INT. DINER – NIGHT
Jax gets a call from his Dad, lies about seeing Melanie. Morty overhears, asks about her, but Jax is evasive and says she’s nobody. They work badly and agree to try again tomorrow. Morty will pick Jax up after his early art class, and, no, Morty will not be the model this time. Jax tells him he has an errand at Melanies first on the way to class.
ACT 2
(21) INT. MORTY’S CAR, MABEL – DAY
After finding out that he will be going to Melanie’s house and meeting her, Morty brings flowers. Jax tries to convince him that she is not his girlfriend.
(22) EXT. MELANIE’S APPARTMENT – DAY
Morty recognizes the tenement he visited, a low rent neighborhood. They go through a security door, then to 202 – MELANIE, a tired looking 20 something, answers.
(23) INT. MELANIE’S APPARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Melanie beams about the flowers. KYLE, an eight-year old boy, runs in and instantly takes to Morty, showing him his airplanes. They go play. Jax and Melanie talk. Jax dismisses Morty, Melanie scolds him.
(24) INT. KYLE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Morty and Kyle are on the floor playing with the airplanes. Jax watches them. The usual teasing. Melanie calls them to have tea.
(25) INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Melanie, Jax and Morty sit down for tea. They chat. Morty confesses to being laid off and not being able to get a job. Melanie asks Morty if he has any kids, but before he can answer, they hear a loud bang from the other room.
(26) INT. KYLE’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Melanie, Jax and Morty dash to Kyle’s bedroom. Kyle is having an epileptic fit. Jax and Melanie console him. Morty gets a glass of water. Kyle is embarrassed. Morty cheers him up.
(27) INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
They recap that he has epilepsy. Morty and Jax say their good-byes for now.
(28) INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY – DAY
Their mantra, “win the $500 competition”. Although dismal, they are starting to add fresh ideas about what they know.
(29) EXT. STREET – DAY
Morty parks in the only spot open, Mabel, his car, limping in with a loud roar and puff of smoke.
(30) EXT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY
Morty shows up as Melanie is leaving with Kyle, who begs to get together soon. Melanie says there is a local air show over the weekend and they can have a picnic together. Morty tells them that last night when he got home, the App had setup a first date.
(31) INT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY
They discuss their project, jokes flying back and forth. They seem to be working together better now. Also, they talk about each of their relationships.
Morty and Jax are driving to class. It is the evening after Morty’s date. It went well. He will bring her to the air show.
(33) INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Ms. Bustamonte is building a structure of bricks to demonstrate talking about structure. How one brick relies on the other to support it. Morty figures out Jax’s secret, that he is helping Melanie and Kyle using the money that his father gives him.
(34) EXT. AIR SHOW FAIRGROUNDS – DAY
A panoramic view of the air show, with a control tower. In the tower, field commander, BENNY ARNOLD, who is Jax’s Dad, looks out at the activity.
At one booth Bella Bustamonte is a flight demonstrator getting ready to present.
(35) INT. MORTY’S CAR – DAY
Morty, Jax, Melanie and Kyle arrive.
(36) EXT. MORTY’S CAR- CONTINUOUS
They pop out of the car. Morty whispers to Jax to tell Melanie that he likes her. Morty’s date will arrive later.
(37) EXT. AIR SHOW – CONTINUOUS
Morty and Kyle wander off to see the planes. Jax tries to tell Melanief how he feels but fails. Jax’s Dad appears and chides Jax for being with Melanie. Morty and Kyle rejoin them. Jax’s father Benny Arnold doesn’t like Morty, they argue. he threatens to cut off the money. Jax leaves, Morty then confronts Jax’s Dad who stalks off.
Then, Bella Bustamonte appears, all think she’s Morty’s mystery date. But, it’s really Melanie’s mom. Jax doesn’t like it. He pulls Morty aside, while the others walk to a lecture. Jax confronts Morty. They argue. They decide to not work together anymore.
Act 3
(38) INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY
Morty sulks as he looks at his picture of a woman and child.
(39) INT. JAX’S APPARTMENT – CONTINOUS
Jax sulks as he looks at the picture of Melanie and Kyle.
(40) INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – CONTINOUS
Morty sets down his coffee cup, loudly and tilts the picture face down onto the table.
(41) INT. JAX’S APPARTMENT – CONTINOUS
Jax surveys a coffee pot, a toy plane, a book of Shakespeare plays and a doggie bag filled with cash. He gets up and starts to move.
(42) INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – CONTINOUS
The doorbell rings. It’s Jax, who confesses his rant meant putting lots of cash into the doggie bag. Morty is downcast sitting silent and still on his couch, tells of the accident that killed his wife and child. This class was a new start for him and he actually had some hope. Jax listens. They each apologize and bring the team back together.
(43) INT. MORTY’S CAR – THE NEXT DAY
Morty and Jax sit in his car outside of Melanie’s apartment. Morty forces Jax to go and tell Melanie how he feels.
(44) EXT. MELANIE’S APARTMENT PATIO / MORTY’S CAR – CONTINUOS
Jax has flowers. Morty encourages him from his car, waving him on. He calls Melanie, who appears on her patio. Jax tells Melanie he loves her. Morty, popping out his car door, tells them to kiss and get back here so they can finish their assignment together.
(45) INT. DINER – NIGHT
They are writing furiously, making changes over many cups of coffee.
(46) INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY
Everything is a wreck, but Morty has the latest computer equipment. They type “the end.” Morty and Jax press their fingers on the send key together to Bella Bustamonte’s address.
(47) INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – NIGHT
A nervous Morty says he can’t go into class. Tells Jax to go and find out the results and then meet him by Mabel, his car, in the parking lot.
(48) EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Jax tells Morty that they won, gives him $250. Morty is suspicious. Then other students come out celebrating the win. “The Sad Stupid Clown Story” won over “Yard Wars”. Jax says the cash is to fix Mabel so no death trap the next semester. Morty is surprised, Jax tells him next is Screenwriting Part 2 and there is another prize. And, guess what, Bella Bustamonte doesn’t teach that. It’s the start of a beautiful friendship, a la Casablanca.
**** Starting from the end, flag the beats that need help.
(27) INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
(32) INT. MORTY’S CAR – NIGHT
(34) EXT. AIR SHOW FAIRGROUNDS – DAY
**** Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed
each of those beats.27 – Delete
32 – Convert into a classroom scene
34 – All telling, expository – up the ante here.
**** Also exploring changing from a Screenwriting Class to a Playwrite Class or a Love Of Science Class, with a similar play being produced for community theaster, OR a final science fair project ala National Science Fair replacing “Yard Wars” with perhaps a Time Travel experiment that goes horribly wrong, or the like.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Mary Chamberlin.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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I Learned it’s much easier to beat out and improve a story by breaking everything out. I am not sure how the story will actually turn out in the acts, which is my weakness, but I felt much more confident about identifying problems in the outline and beat process.
Log line:
A mentally troubled young college dropout comes home only to witness her father violently murder her mother, but when the CIA takes him away, she goes on a journey to uncover a shocking dark secret about his past…and hers.
ACT I
1. INT. Observation Room – 1980 – Day
Doctors administer what looks like a lethal injection to three military prisoners, but they turn into hideous creatures and murder the armed guards before the main doctor stops them with mind control.
2. INT. Front Door – Home – Present day – Day
Abigail, hears an eerie intermittent scratching at her front door. With trepidation, she opens the door to a muddied, disoriented and disheveled young woman in the middle of what seems to be a seizure, before she collapses.
3. INT. Home – Bathroom – Day
The young woman is in a tub of ice to bring the fever down. Abigail asks April, her daughter, if she’s still taking her meds. When April doesn’t answer, Abigail admits she gave her a small intravenous dose. April is pissed. She just needs rest and no stress. Abigail wonders is she going back to graduate school. April won’t answer.
4 INT. Home – Dining room – Day
Brent, April’s father, gets into an argument at dinner with April because she’s off her meds and came back home. He demands she leaves in the morning.
5 INT. Home – April’s Bedroom – Day
Abigail explains that Brent hasn’t been himself lately. She’s had to give him more medication than the doctors will allow. April is shocked to find out he’s on meds too.
6. INT. Home – Kitchen – Day
Brent, possessed, kills Abigail with ease and chases April back to her room where she locks herself in, only to hear him bellowing outside banging for her to come out.
7. INT. Home – Outside- Day
Plain Clothes Officers take Brent away in an armored truck after they ask if there was anything he told her that was odd or unusual.
8. INT. Home – Basement – Day
April tries to find anything odd or unusual and turns up a cache of hundreds of magnets with symbols scratched into them. She starts having a seizure.
9. INT. Police – Station – Day
April goes to the police station to ask Brent about the symbols and they tell her he’s not there. He’s with the CIA at an old military outpost.
ACT II
10. EXT. Military Outpost – Day
The Guard won’t let April on base. They don’t have anyone with the name Brent and they don’t have a jail of any sort.
11. EXT. Military Town – Day
April searches for anyone who knows anything in a local dried up town. She finds someone who used to be a guard. He tells her there was an accident many years ago that shut the base down for some time and the man in the picture died years ago. His name is not Brent. It was Dr. Gant.
12. INT. Hotel – Day
April does searches on line to find anything she can about the base or an accident. Nothing.
13. INT. Bar – Day
April follows Kerry, who left the base in the evening and went to a bar. She shows a picture of her father and Kerry tells her that looks like Austin Gant. He died many years ago, but that is the reason he’s here, to continue his work. April reveals she’s his daughter, he may be inside and she will help him get to his research if he helps her get to her Dad. Kerry agrees.
14. INT. Military Base – File Room – Day
Kerry helps April get into a secure sector of files. April searches the old files, has a very odd vision, which Kerry has to snap her out of. She’d been in there for over an hour. April, reveals she knows that someone from the file is still alive. She has to see them. Kerry and April are surrounded in the file room. Kerry is fired.
15. EXT. Midwest Town – Slum – Day
Ayoki Koji, a strung out drug addict, will only talk if they buy him a meal. He is severely damaged from all of the drug use over the years. April asks him about Dr. Austin Gant. He starts to sober up. He tries to leave, but April grabs him, he freezes, a patch of his skin starts to turn white and flake into the air. He tells her she has the sight and will join him in hell. He flees, but as soon as they chase him outside, military vehicles descend on them and round them up.
16. INT. Military Base – Torture Room – Day
The officer who spoke with her at her house, Field Officer Gaskins, questions April for information, but she wants to know where her father and her friends are. It’s a standoff. Gaskins tells April her father may have had some kind of virus that she may be infected with. She is free to go after observation.
17. INT. Military Base – Holding Cell – Day
In the cell, April’s hand starts to itch. She checks her palm and a small patch of skin is turning flaky white. She’s freaking out trying to rub the skin off when she falls into a hallucination, she sees Ayoki he’s walking through the building until her door opens, it’s Ayoki.
18 INT. Military Base – Hallway – Day
Ayoki leads the search for Kerry and Dr. Gant. He reveals he was a part of a secret program and escaped the facility before.
19 INT. Military Base – Torture Room – Day
Kerry has been tortured and can barely walk. He’s going to slow them down, Ayoki is nervous and wants to leave him. Kerry reveals he knows where Dr. Gant is.
20 INT. Military Base – Medical Room – Day
Dr. Gant is strapped down to a medical table, flaky all over, somewhat bigger and his face is terrifying. Red swollen eyes, teeth gone from black slick gums. April is destroyed but she wants to get her father out. He won’t let her. Her father can’t see but senses Ayoki is there. He apologizes for experimenting on the soldiers and causing all of this. He’s also sorry for what he’s done to his daughter. He gave her the sight and the longer they all are together the faster they will change. Gant becomes a raging beast.
Act III
21 INT. Military Base – Hallways – Day
They barely escape The Gant monster has gone on a rampage killing soldiers. Ayoki is able to guide them away from the creature with his senses, but he’s becoming less and less able to fight off the change. April is freaking out and Kerry is limping badly. They won’t get out unless they hide and regroup.
22 INT. _WHERE – Day
They discover Field Officer Gaskins standing on a stool, a rope around his neck, whimpering in the office. He reveals that there were beasts created before that still exist. They survived bullets and entombment without oxygen for decades. They’ve awoken and Dr. Gant was the last hope to control them. The team tries to talk him down. Ayoki offers to try to control the beasts. He has the sight. Gaskins sees a plan.
23. INT. Military Base – Basement – Day
Gaskins tells all remaining soldiers to lead the Gant Creature to the basement. He and the team get tranquilizer darts on steroids, go to a secret chamber in the bowels of the building and find three big magnetic chambers with symbols engraved on them. The creature that’s awake can sense Ayoki’s presence which is making Ayoki start to lose control. The second creature awakes with a bellow. They have limited time has Ayoki fights to control his mind.
24. INT. Military Base – Basement – Day
The Gant Creature breaks in, they try to disable it with the tranquilizer darts, it only slows him down a bit. Ayoki tries to use his senses to control the creature, but it only accelerates his change and excites both the creatures in the boxes. The excitement draws The Gant Creature to the boxes to help the Creatures escape. The team scrambles to leave as they witness the second case crack.
25 INT. Military Base – Hallway – Day
They escape before the creatures break out, but Ayoki volunteers to try to hold them back as he’s almost completely changed.
26 INT. Military Base – Lobby – Day
They make it to the lobby of the building, but they can’t escape as the doors are blocked with stacked bodies. The creatures show up, but now there are four. The team gets picked off one by one until April, finally, out of fear, finds the ability to control the creatures and uses it to make them destroy each other.
<div>27 INT. Home – Basement – Night </div><div>
April is at home in the basement. She is finishing arranging magnets in a circle on the floor. She takes some meds, takes off her bloody clothes, lies down in the middle. A third of her body is flaking white ash and her eyes are bulging red. She takes pill after pill and breathes. The Ash starts to recede as we see her eyes lose redness, roll up in her head and she passes out.
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Beats Separated Out and improved:
22 INT. _WHERE – Day
They discover Field Officer Gaskins sitting in an office. He reveals that there were beasts that were created before still exist, have awoken and Dr. Gant was supposed to control them, but now they are doomed. Ayoki offers to try.
27 EXT Road – Night
April hitch hikes into a nearby town, gets out at a bathroom to clean herself up. In the mirror she reveals she is has flaky skin.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Elliott Williams.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Elliott Williams.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Subject: Mary J Andrews Story Beat Sheet
(1 HR PILOT. PARANORMAL SCI FI)What have I learned from this exercise?
A great way to keep a map of the story, but I suspect I totally missed out on the beats. I will have to go back and concentrate on beats next time.)Log Line:
In a star-faring distant future, The Universal Government’s three man Special Ops Team, in search of a psychic terrorist ring, must rescue their psi-jacker—a surgically blinded slave girl with extraordinary powers, and coerce her to help them upstage a coup to overtake the Universal Government.
BEAT SHEET :
TEASER/OPENING
1. SPACE MONTAGE: with Ira’s V.O. starts
· Earth is destroyed by an asteroid
· Ark ships in flight
· Landings on Mars
· Martian colonies seen as dots of light spreading from North Pole to South
· Warp drives flare
· Galaxies flash by
· Examples of colonized planets flash by (medieval, high tech, pleasure planet, mining planet, corporate planets
· Space vessels shoot toward the camera: Roma flying saucer, Corporate transport vessels, sleek ebony Gov. fighters—the last of which is the Nemesis.
Montage & Voice Over end.
ACT ONE
<s>(2) INT – GOV. STARBASE 15 – 0600 </s>
<s>Universal Government’s special Dark Ops team aboard Nemesis arrives and is parked withing Star Base 15. The busy bay is quickly vacated by crews and maintenance workers at their arrival., Dark Ops Teams are feared by all, but Nemesis Team has a Wall Master—even more frightening. The team encourages this.</s>
3 INT – <s>GOV. STARBASE 15</s> INTERROGATION ROOM 1 — 0900
p.7
Agent/psychic Wall Master, Ira Haze (24)
collapses after psychic link with the psi-jacked ambassador. Turns out, ambassador DASH’s (45) mind is entwined with his still present mind-jacker, TRISTEN (early twenties) mind. Ira receives no visuals to help locate or identify attackers
4. INT. – NEMESIS SICKBAY – 0100
Ira awakens. LAYNALD LOCKHEIM (65) ship’s healer/tactician sits watching him with feet propped up on med kit box and chides the younger agent.
5 INT – NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – CONTINUOUS — 0115
The Nemesis Team: Ira, Laynald and Team Commander, RAEL POINTE (35) meet up in the Common Room. They eat, drink coffee and chide Ira, calling him a youngling because of his failure. Ira does not appreciate the jokes but remains stoic.
They get to business. Ira debriefs Rael and Laynald of what he’s discovered. He’s shaken by the presence / remembrance of neural disruptors – the tool of choice to train and manage psychic slaves, they scald the senses – an all too familiar blast from his own past.
At the end of his report, Ira worries that they don’t have enough information to seek out their targets. Rael and Laynald are certain the attack is the work of the psychic terrorist ring they have been seeking. They decide to return to where the ambassador was found – a pleasure planet, Tanivol.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
6 INT – NEMESIS BRIDGE – EVENING p.14
Rael watches main screen view as Nemesis glides down into isolated ground spot within Tanivol Port’s designate area for Government craft only. He calls Ira and Laynald to report to Common Room.
7 INT – NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – CONTINUOUS p.15
Team assembles in Common Room Lounge area of the oversized, multi-purpose room. Rael provides Ira with Ambassador Dash’s watch to help him isolate and seek the target on the ethereal plane.
Ira leans back to support his body, removes his gloves, and takes the watch. Several glowing patterns become visible on it. He closes his eyes, and to the sound of his breathing and heartbeat, his ethereal body/spirit. lifts away from his physical form, lightly tethered by a barely visible golden cord.
The watch drops from his hand. He reaches for it with his astral form and retrieves one of the patterns. A vague sparkling image of Tristen floats before him. Ira’s form shifts to match it. A soft electronically tinged quickening heartbeat resonates in the distance. Like-unto-like, it draws him in his forged pattern across the ethereal plain toward her until they snap together, united as one.
8 INT – ELSEWHERE – CONTINUOUS p.15
Ira/Tristen’s eyes open to darkness … the sound of a racing heart … a woman’s gasp … a searing pain rips throughout their body. Her hands and the side of her face lie on cold stone. She is too weak to rise. The sound of neural disruptors wind up again … the agony rips through them.
9 INT — NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – CONTINUOUS p. 15
Ira snaps awake – shaken. Rael and Laynald hover over him, but not close enough to touch him. A burst of rage flashes across Ira’s face. Everyone freezes.(Ira is empathic).
Rael’s eyes are ablaze, his hands clenched into fists. Suddenly his demeanor shifts. He is relaxed and stunned.
Ira sits up and regains his composure. He realizes he has lost control of his emotions and broadcasted them. He apologizes to Rael. This has never happened before. When Ira looks to Laynald, the Healer rolls his eyes and threatens him if he ever invades his mind uninvited.
Back to work: Ira reports nothing new except that she lay on cold stone, not metal floor and air felt cloistered – possibly an underground cell.
Rael begins a deep search. His temple plates glimmer while he systematically opens the ship’s channels to allow a torrent of commercial offers to flash-play across the room’s giant wallscreen. Five places warrant attention.
City maps appear, each in turn zoom in to display spaceport and its immediate area. A third split shows a healthy collection of surveillance cam readouts documenting some of the ambassador’s whereabouts.
A fourth screen flashes police reports of area activity… the fifth, sixth and seventh scroll utility data, property owners and building blueprints. Several more screens appear and the scrolling speeds up.
Ira in pain from proximity to Rael’s compu-linking, leaves the room. Laynald leaves too.
Rael blanks the room’s viewscreen and continues the search at a faster pace in his head. In a matter of minutes he emerges from the link with a promising plan of action. He summons the team to gather at the bay doors.
10 EXT – TANIVOL SIDEWALKS LEADING AWAY FROM PORT –NIGHT. P.18
Streets are crowded and highly charged carnival atmosphere permeates the air. The serious dark-clad threesome look out of place traveling the colorful walkways together.
Then Rael freezes in mid-step.
11 EXT – TANIVOL CROWDED WALKWAY IN AN ALLEY – CONTINUOUS.p.18
Tristen, tall, sensual with flowing black hair approaches Rael and slips a Free-Admit coin in his hand. Rael sees nothing but her and she leads him through now empty streets and into the Pleasure Palace…into a privacy booth lining the main hall. Tristen begins to dance. Rael is transfixed, entranced. He sees nothing but her.
Suddenly, Ira stands directly in Rael’s path…vehicles whoosh and clatter in the dark, the street is bustling again.
Laynald grabs Rael’s arm and roughly forces him into an alleyway, pinning him against a wall. He motions Ira to take over and posts himself near the mouth of the alley.
Ira’s voice echoes as he coaxes his captain back to reality. Rael now sees Ira and where he is, but Tristen, still there, beckons for him to follow her. Nobody but Rael sees her.
Ira links with Rael to see what he is seeing, then he softly overlays reality over illusion and the captain’s mind stabilizes.
Ira ‘s astral form rises away from Rael and shifts to match Tristen’s. He races to catch Tristen. Like-unto-like he is drawn to where she is and merges with her.
12 INT – TANIVOL- THE PLEASURE PALACE – NIGHT p.20
Ira/Tristen see a small lean woman huddled in the far corner of a cell. She does not look like before at all. She is unkept and her lip is bleeding. It hurts but she doesn’t dare wipe the blood away. A Male and mean voice orders her to open her eyes and again the cringing woman appears still trapped in the unseen man’s grip.
Tristen’s lips do not move when he demands she answer his questions. She stares aimlessly forward with sightless, sea-green eyes. When she closes her eyes, everything but the pain goes dark. Though her lips do not move, she answers her captor’s questions, Even indicates that Ira is present, But is hurled against the cell wall and all fades to black.
13 EXT – TANIVOL CROWDED STREET IN AN ALLEY – NIGHT p22
Ira returns to his body, still in Rael’s grip. The team decides to push on to find the slave girl. Rael holds up a golden token with an arrow shaped marque which continually points the direction of the Pleasure Palace.
14 INT – TANIVOL PLEASURE PALACE – CONTINUOUS P.22
Rael anxiously races to the Palace. He is allowed to enter uninterrupted and he races straight to the privacy booth he’d been led to before.
Laynald and Ira are stopped by two burly attendants as they enter. they present a fist over heart salute, enacting crimson flashes of their Gov idents to blaze from the backs of their gloved hands. The guards stand their ground uncertainly.
Ira lifts his dark glasses allowing the laser-lit signs to wickedly reflect from his eyes. The big guys step aside and the agents continue down the hallway.
Way ahead of them, Rael is guided into the privacy booth by Tristen. Laynald falls back to check the main hall. Ira enters the privacy booth. Rael stands mesmerized by Tristen and totally unaware of her real appearance.
Ignoring Ira Tristen leads Rael toward a far wall. Pulling back a tapestry, she reaches for the vague outline of a door.
Ira crosses the room to where they are and spins Rael around to land a right cross to his jaw. The blow sends Rael sprawling across the room.
Laynald enters and pegs Tristen with a specially tinctured dart before magne-cuffing her hands and feet.
Rael wakens and Laynald lets him know the youngling hit him. They both fall in behind Ira, Nobody gets in their way all the way back to the ship.
15 INT – NEMESIS BRIDGE IN SPACE – LATE NIGHT p.25
No longer on Tanivol, Rael sits in the command chair staring at the Main viewscreen filled with starts. He cannot pry Tristen from his mind. Like a siren, her very nearness lures him. He starts down the hall to the Sickbay where she is being examined by Laynald.
Ira meets Rael outside the sickbay door. He easily sees through Rael’s pretense, but says nothing as long as Rael can remain in control.
Laynald shares what he’s learned about Tristen from his examination. She is a valuable link to locating the psychic terrorist. They are getting closer.
Rael remains enthralled by her even when she’s unconscious.
Ira tells them he’ll fix the situation. After they leave, he links with her and rewrites her to believe she has been claimed by Gov. Nemesis team and now is under Rael’s command. She succumbs to his wishes and anxiously awaits her new master.
Ira is not enthused by what he’s done. He eyes Laynald’s newly installed switches meant to initiate thirty second room-wide neural disruptors and a ship-wide alarm in case he cannot contain her. He is becoming exactly what he’s always hated.
*16 INT – NEMESIS SICKBAY — MIDNIGHT
Laynald and Rael return to the Sickbay. Ira introduces Tristen to her new Master. She immediately releases her control over him and throws herself at his feet. Rael is not happy about the slavery part, but realizes her powers could really help the mission.
He assigns her quarters next to Ira’s and charges him with her care. Laynald rigs a lock on the outside of her door and she is told to obey any orders from team members as his own. He names her Tristen and she is to call him “Sir.)
Exhaustion finally setting in, Rael leaves, Laynald sets out to set up her quarters and round her up some clothing.
17 INT – NEMESIS COMMON ROOM DINING TABLE — 0100
Ira takes Tristen to Common Room to eat. He spends their time together to get used to her “blindness” (she sees only through the eyes of those around her) through telepathy.
Finally, he asks her real name. She doesn’t know anything but that she is predestined to save her world. Being chosen and blinded and set adrift in space in service of the Oracles who rule her planet. She realizes she cannot remember much about it, but knows her destiny is at hand and is honored.
Laynald joins them, gives Ira a concoction to drink and prescribes rest to both of them. Her quarters are ready.
END OF ACT TWO p. 38
ACT THREE p.39
18 INT – NEMESIS COMMON ROOM DINING AREA –0630
Rael and Laynald are drinking coffee. A tray of protein pastries sit before them. They are discussing whether it’s wise to allow Ira to work so closely with Tristen. Laynald worries she could be a sleeper agent or a potential long-range Gov security risk
Ira and Tristen enter, they are obviously using telepathy to communicate h unspoken guidance and directions are evident. is directing her.
Rael calls the table to order and questions Tristen to clarify her abilities in more detail. He tests her answers by asking her to show him.
He lays out a plan to have Tristen command the Ambassador to relive in great detail exactly what happened to him when the terrorists had him.
Ira is to link with the Ambassador as well. Since Ira is not telepathic, Rael wants Tristen to relay what he witnesses directly to Rael’s mind, mindful not to allow any blow-back to Ira and the Ambassador.
Ira worries about the interaction between dissimilar realms. He has accepted the pain involved in his part of deep diving, but to inflict it on others, especially a fellow operative….
Rael overrides him. The plan is set and Ira is told to erase the Ambassador’s memory of both the attack and Tristen’s existence.
Ira and Tristen rise in unison and move to the middle of the room facing the open entryway of the Common Room.
19 INT – <s>STARBASE 15</s> NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – 1000 HOURS
The plan plays out well.
20 EXT – TANIVOL WALKWAY FROM THE SPACE PORT – TWILIGHT
Ambassador is walking through colorfully lit walkway just as Rael had. Tristen stands within the milling crowd. Same as she summoned Rael, she leads him through the Pleasure Palace to the privacy booth, the hidden corridor behind the tapestry, down stairs to a tiny interrogation room.
Waves of euphoria over take him, vision blurs, disorientation sets in. Tristen’s voice engulfs him with questions – mostly about Captain Rael Pointe…
21 INT –NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – 1030 HOURS
Room fades into view. Rael has returned to sit at table, Tristen stands behind Ira, Ambassador looks dazed. Laynald stands at the door and motions for Tristen to follow him. They leave.
Ira releases the Ambassador and waits for him to realize he’s a Wall Master. After he does, Rael sends him to help Laynald. Ira excuses himself and leaves ignoring the Ambassadors suspicious treatment.
Rael invites him to the table where they discuss things and Rael verifies that their experiment has succeeded.
Ambassador asks to use com to check in with Dark Ops Prime. They leave the Common Room and head for the Bridge.
22 INT– NEMESIS CORRIDOR BEFORE TRISTEN’S QUARTERS – CONT. p 51
Laynald waits for Ira outside of Tristen’s quarters. He thinks something may be wrong with her, though she refuses to admit a problem.
Ira removes his Wall Master’s robe and returns it to his room next door. Originally, Ira’s sister, a telepath, had played this role, but she had chosen to leave him there alone rather than stay.
Ira can feel Tristen’s pain from the hallway. He unlocks her door, steps in and brings lights up to a soft glow. Tristen sits up in the chair and struggles to appear calm and alert for her next assignment. She is confused by his interest and shivers.
Ira tries to convince her that she is safe and has done a good job. He causes her pain to fade away and commands her to sleep. Then sits and watches over her for a while before rising and looking around the room, then covers her with a blanket and drops into the seat next to hers and watches her sleep.
23 INT – NEMESIS BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS
Ambassador Dash enter the Bridge. They discuss fully automated ships. (The Nemesis is one.) Rael steps out into the hallway to give Dash privacy. A few moments later, The Ambassador calls him back in. Dark Ops wants to speak to him. Rael contacts Laynald to help get the ambassador situated for travel.
Rael plans to Deep Dive into all the information he’s accumulated from the ambassador.
24 INT – NEMESIS BRIDGE — CONTINUOUS
Rael steps up into the command chair and opens the line to Dark Ops Prime after Ambassador Dark leaves.
The main viewscreen lights up to reveal the image of an old friend, RASSA MU (36) who sadly smiles at him. Turns out Rael’s adopted mother is inexplicably dying and needs to give him something before it’s too late. Rael’s temple plates madly flicker. All around the Bridge, indicators flash to life. While talking, viewscreen splits into three parts as Nemesis is prepared for immediate departure and crew is notified. The engines purr to life.
25 INT – NEMESIS TRISTEN’S QUARTERS – CONTINUOUS
Tristen stirs beneath the blanket asleep upon the chair.
Ira looks toward the direction of the bridge. He also feels Rael’s outburst of activity from across the ship. They are both hypersensitive after Rael’s earlier Deep Dive. He eases her back into a sleep so deep she cannot even respond to the captain’s intercom message.
Ira rises and pauses long enough to confirm they are ready for departure, then leaves Tristen’s quarters. He does not like the sound of the lock activating behind him.
26 INT – NEMESIS MAIN CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
Laynald meets up with Ira on the way to the Bridge. Something is up. Laynald habitually checks his dart sheaths and they quicken their pace.
27 INT — NEMESIS BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS
They enter the bridge to find Rael sitting in a semi-dark room facing a panoramic view of stars beyond the open blast doors. He is dazed.
Ira recoils from the onslaught of his agitated state of mind coupled with the compu-links activity. He places his bare hand on the exposed back of the captain’s neck until the temple plates quiet and Rael turns to face him more relaxed.
Rael, Laynald, and Ira discuss ramifications of her death – personally, professionally, politically, strategically….
Rael turns the command chair back to face front and stares into the vast expanse of silently tumbling stars through the port.
A MONTAGE of events flash by.:
· the Psi Ring’s inquiries about him,
· Tristen’s appearance,
· the Oracles and their mysterious planet,
· Rael’s mother’s impending death,
· the inevitable power vacuum;
· ramifications from change of Dark Ops Commander
MONTAGE ENDS
An ominous pattern is forming. Rael’s stomach knots up as he looks away from the screen. The universe has always seemed so big, but suddenly, it is not big enough. Something is coming and somehow, he’s right smack in the middle of it. He is under attack.
Laynald steps up and adds that these events reek of a coup, maybe even an invasion. The Universal Government keeps the peace in the Dark. Someone with great power is making a move.
Rael drops his head into his hands. Mother Mahata will know More. Under his breath he whispers don’t die, don’t die, don’t….
END
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STARTING FROM THE END, FLAG THE BEATS THAT NEED HELP. Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed each of those beats.
(21) INT. NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – 10:30 A.M.
p48 Rael cont. dialogue delete mention of Starbase 15
p. 49-50 51 delete dialog with Kree & regarding Starbase 15
p. 49 Rael dialog: update pretty scary according.to the locals who watched over you….delete station commander
(19) INT. <s>STARBASE 15</s> NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – 10:00 A.M.
p. 47 delete STARBASE 15 in Heading(18) INT. NEMESIS COMMON ROOM DINING AREA – 6:30 A.M.
p.41, 44, 45 delete references to Station 15(16) INT – NEMESIS SICKBAY — MIDNIGHT
p 32-34 delete references to Kree(15) INT – NEMESIS BRIDGE IN SPACE – LATE NIGHT
p. 25 delete dialogue(2) INT. GOV. <s>STARBASE 15 DOCKING BAY – EARTH STANDARD</s> 0600
p. 1-3 delete Kree & Starbase 15 references(3)INT. <s>GOV STARBASE 15</s> INTERROGATION ROOM ANTECHAMBER – CONT’D
p.4-5 delete references to opening(2) INT – GOV. STARBASE 15 – 0600
p. 1-3 rewriting teaser–not strong enough
May retain some of original scene later…Am considering having Nemesis Team go straight to Tanivol and handle the Ambassador aboard the Nemesis perhaps as a lure to draw out the psychic terrorist ring they have been searching for. Therefore, all mention of Kree and Starbase 15 will need to be deleted. Also reconsidered introducing characters as being so inconsiderate. They need to be better introduced.-
#4 is good
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I can’t see “ira doesn’t appreciate’. How are you showing this? I can see the stoic
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I like #6 because I can see the whole beat… everything is visual in that beat
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I like 8
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How do you show the agony rips through…? I can see much of act two from what I’ve read. I think it’s good
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As I read through your beats and visualize pieces.. I don’t understand how they fit together… Where your story is going. Can you simplify your beats? My former teacher told me that from start to finish…a character, storyline… should be like a thread in n a straight line from beginning to end
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Simplify…it was hard for me to imagine latter part of act two
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I can’t see obviously.
I like the second paragraph of 21
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I like the second paragraph of 20… meant to say 20…great scene
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KAREN GRIFFIN
What I learned: I learned that structure is extremely important when writing a script. Doing the exercises has helped me to see that I had problems with establishing a core then building a script around that core. The elevating exercises helped me to see not only scenes that lack luster but also scenes that didn’t support the core in the best possible way.
Logline: A woman returns to her hometown and is forced to confront an evil that separates and destroys people.
Act One
1. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Piper Voice Over. “I once had a dream…” An upkept little girl with messy hair and dirty clothes sits on the floor with a blank look on her face. A snake appears from the darkness and heads towards the little girl. Piper wakes up from her dream.
2. EXT. HALL PARKING LOT – LATE EVENING
Joel looks at the people walking into the hall. He calls Piper, who’s working at her office. They talk about the social pain they experienced as children growing up there especially Corey and Mixie. Piper notes how those experiences still affect her today.
3. INT. PIPER’S OFFICE – EARLY EVENING
Piper watches a group of her co-workers walk past her with their purses laughing and talking about going to dinner. No one asks Piper to come along. Piper looks depressed.
4. INT. HALL- NIGHT
Inside the hall, Corey and Mixie instigate gossip. They bring up others’ mistakes or oddities and elaborate on them negatively. They really turn up the heat with their trash talk. The doorman opens the doors and snakes that no one sees enters into the hall and slithers. People continue to talk as if no snakes are there.
5. INT. HALL – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)
Corey bumps into Joel. Corey calls Joel and freak and Joel tells Corey that he can’t handle outside the box.
6. INT. PIPER’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Piper looks at pictures of Joel with his new car that he sent to her on her phone. Her mom calls her and tells her that she sent an airline ticket to her to come home. Her mom stresses that Joel is here. Piper is apprehensive even though Joel is there.
7. INT. HALL – NIGHT
Gossip about people continues. Corey and Mixie verbally tear Joel to pieces. Snakes begin to circle individuals. Snakes circle Joel.
8. INT. HALL – NIGHT
Corey talks about a gadget he created that can start and stop anything by sending an electric current to enable or disable the power.
9. EXT. HALL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Joel sends Piper a text saying that he no longer wants to be her friend; he wants to be her boyfriend.
10. INT. PIPER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Piper gets the text and tries to call Joel. She leaves him a message saying that she is going there. She goes to her closet and pulls out her suitcase to pack for her trip home. A Guardian Angel card falls from her closet. She picks up the card and prays it sincerely for help with returning to her hometown. The sun gets bright and a silhouette hand touches Piper on the arm. Piper scratches her arm but sees nothing when she looks at to what is making her itch.
11. EXT. BOURG-LAROSE HWY – NIGHT
A car stops on a dark road. A person whom the snakes circled gets killed by a small group of people headed by Corey and Mixie. This happens a few times in the same night. The cars of the killed people get put into a canal.
Act Two
1. INT. PLANE – MORNING
Piper gets on a plane. A woman make it a point to smile and wave at Piper.
2. INT. STORE – AFTERNOON
Piper gets home. She tries to be inconspicuous as she stops at a gas station to get a drink. The same woman on the plane calls her name. She asks Piper for her view on the town. She says her name is Leela.
3. INT. STORE – AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)
Mixie walks in the store and sees Piper. Mixie tells the person she is with that she wants to dog somebody as she looks at Piper. Piper passes Mixie and Mixie says hello rudely. Leela looks at Mixie as if something is wrong with her. Piper cowers away from the scene. Leela asks Piper why she lets people walk all over her like that. Piper doesn’t have an answer. Leela looks at Piper and tells her that she feels like an outsider, too. Piper and Leela become friends quickly. Leela leaves with Piper from the store.
4. INT. PIPER’S PARENTS HOME – AFTERNOON
Piper calls and leaves Joel a message. She says that she wants to date, too.
5. EXT. BANK OF CANAL – AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)
Piper sees Joel’s car being pulled out of the canal. She has a public breakdown. Leela is right there by her side. People begin to chat about Piper’s reaction. Piper begins to say that Joel should have never come here. This is a cruel place.
6. EXT. BANK OF CANAL – AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)
Corey overhears a conversation validating Piper’s claim. He walks up to the group and turns the conversation around to get the attention off of Mixie and him.
7. INT. PIPER’S BEDROOM AT PIPER’S PARENTS’ HOME – EVENING
Piper tells Leela about the crap that she went through here. She tells Leela how she wants this to stop. She’s tired of being walked all over and dealing with the gossip. Leela tells Piper that the first thing she should do is show the world how beautiful she is by serving at a shelter. Piper is angry and says that won’t help.
8. EXT. STREET – EVENING
Piper looks everyone else on the street. Leela tells Piper not to do anything bad. Do the shelter.
9. INT. PIPER’S PARENTS’ KITCHEN – MORNING
A list of the people that have died are in the morning paper. Piper’s dad points out that twelve people have died on the Houma shortcut. Piper looks at Leela and nods. Shelter.
10. INT. SHELTER – MORNING
Leela walks into a shelter with Piper. Leela reminds Piper that the first defense is to show everyone that she is beautiful.
11. INT. CAR – AFTERNOON
Piper tells Leela that she feels better and is less angry. Piper gains confidence.
ACT THREE
1. INT. PIPER’S PARENTS’ LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Piper attends a tea party. She sits through a few minutes of the group and leaves. She feels sick. The trash talk made her sick.
2. INT. CAR, BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Leela tells Piper things are about to get really hard. Piper asks Leela how she knows this. Leela says something about to light, to guard, to rule, to guide…Piper thinks for a moment. Leela’s eyes flash.
3. INT – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Piper’s car breaks down. Piper looks at Leela and asks who she is. Leela tells Piper that she’s her Guardian Angel.
4. EXT. – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)
Corey and Mixie appear from the bushes with other people. They circle the car. The snakes appear and still no one sees them.
5. INT. – CAR – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)
Leela tells Piper stay still for a moment. Leela exists the car. Leela looses her human flesh and her true nature is revealed. The snakes back away.
6. EXT – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT(CONTINUOUS)
Piper has a flashback to the Guardian Angel prayer. She watches this angel push back the snakes and the bad guys. Leela looks at Piper and nods for her to exist the car.
7. EXT – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)
Piper looks at Corey, Mixie and everyone else. She tells them their mouths have destroyed people. Because of the things that they have said, hearts have been broken, people have been beaten and killed…It destroys love. It brings on loneliness.
8. EXT-BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT
The snakes turn towards Corey, Mixie and their crowd. The bite, squeezed and chase them.
9. EXT – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Piper looks at Leela and smiles.
What needs to be elevated is the Guardian Angel part needs to be more profound. The whole third Act needs to be elevated in that it needs to show how this evil ultimately harms the source. I did want to maybe show some type of redemption for Corey through confession.
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Sandra’s Story Beats
What I learned doing this assignment is noticing what needed to be deleted, changed, and/or moved.
Logline: In order to save her failing business, an ambitious New York City real estate developer has three days to convince a small-town mayor and a tradition-bound Tribal Chief that working together will save the town, the tribe, and her business.
CHANGES: Combine #2 and #3. Combine #10 and #11. Delete #36-42. Reorder ACT 3 to start with the Crisis, then the Climax, and end with the Resolution.
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Quinn’s Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is I have a lot of chaff to get through. So many useless scenes, and one of the last scenes lasted 20 pages. Seriously, this script was garbage. To quote Gru: “A two-year old could have written better.”
Give us your logline.
An ancient tarot deck leads a risk-adverse young man to love, crime, and betrayal.
List the current beats of your script. Number them as I did above.
FADE IN:
1. EXT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Kelley breaks up with Travis. Travis pleads, but she assures him it’s over. She tells him to go to the renaissance faire without her.
2. EXT. FAIREGROUNDS – DAY
Travis is walking around the fairgrounds not enjoying himself. He happens upon Madam Lydia’s hut set back away from the rest of the hubbub. She calls out to him to enter and he does.
3. INT. MADAM LYDIA’S HUT – CONTINUOUS
Madam Lydia tells Travis’s fortune with an ancient set of tarot cards. She tells him that he has a lot of danger and strife coming and that the cards will “tell you what you don’t want to know”. Travis gets angry and leaves.
4. EXT. FAIREGROUNDS – MOMENTS LATER
The hut vanishes as soon as Travis leaves. He freaks out and leaves the faire.
5. EXT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT PARKING LOT – LATER
Travis arrives at his apartment complex.
6. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Travis enters his apartment and surveys what is left over after Kelley has taken most of everything. He sits down and feels something in his pocket. It is the tarot deck Madam Lydia used. He vows to return it the next day.
7. EXT. FAIREGROUNDS – THE NEXT DAY
Travis returns to the fairgrounds. He tries to find Madam Lydia. Every girl comes onto him as he does until he discovers that “The Lovers” card is on top of the deck. As soon as he reshuffles, the spell dissipates. He leaves without finding Madam Lydia.
8. EXT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – LATER
Travis comes home and meets Jana who is moving in next door. They have a moment and he offers to help her move in.
9. SERIES OF SHOTS of Travis helping Jana move in.
10. EXT. JANA’S APARTMENT – LATER
Jana tries to pay Travis but he refuses. There is a mutual attraction. Travis tells her to holler if she needs anything.
11. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER
Travis sits down and looks at the cards. The image on the Page of Cups looks like Jana for a moment before going back to its original artwork.
12. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Rick visits Travis to cheer him up after hearing about Kelley. He brings Twizzlers and a rental copy of “Planet of the Apes”.
13. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – LATER
The movie ends and Rick tells Travis about his new job. He spots the tarot deck and teases Travis about it. He leaves. The Ten of Swords appears beside the deck with the person on the card looking like Rick. Travis watches a news report about Perkins being investigated. The card changes to the King of Swords, the picture now looking like Perkins. Travis decides he needs to read up on tarot to figure out what is going on.
14. INT. ESOTERIC SHOP – LATER
Travis visits the esoteric shop to try to find a book on tarot and bumps into his friend Jessica, who works there. They discuss the cards and Jessica tells him to be careful as the cards are ancient and could mean bad things. She helps him select a book and he buys it and leaves.
15. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – LATER
Travis uses the tarot card and new book to try to read his fortune. It is gibberish. He tries to put the cards up, but the Ace of Cups slips out of the deck. He looks it up and it tells him love at first sight becomes real love. He decides to go have dinner. The Page of Cups with the visage of Jana slips out of the deck again. He leaves.
16. EXT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Travis bumps into Jana outside his apartment. He invites her to dinner and she accepts.
17. EXT. CHINESE RESTAURANT PARKING LOT – LATER
They arrive. Travis and Jana flirt.
18. INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT – LATER
Travis and Jana are having dinner getting to know one another a little better. Jana tells Travis she works for a councilman filing important documents. He tells her he is a programmer. They are interrupted by Jana’s ex, Mike. He and Travis have words before the restaurant kicks Mike out.
19. EXT. CHINESE RESTAURANT – CONTINUOUS
Mike jumps Travis, but Travis beats the crap out of him.
20. EXT. JANA’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Travis and Jana kiss, but Travis has flashbacks of Kelley. Jana talks him through it. They decide to spend the night together.
21. INT. JANA’S APARTMENT – THE NEXT MORNING
Travis does dishes while Jana leaves for work. Travis is happy.
22. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – LATER
Travis cleans up his apartment, getting rid of any trace of Kelley. The Page of Cups looking like Jana again appears and this time the voice of the cards tells Travis to “protect the one in red”. Jana shows up and tells Travis that she works for Perkins and found the information the investigators have been looking for. Hank, dressed as a cop, shows up and the cards warn Travis about him.
23. EXT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER
Travis answers the door looking like he just woke up. Hank asks Travis if he knows where Jana is. Travis says no, but Hank insists on looking around the apartment and enters.
24. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Hank searches Travis’s apartment, but doesn’t find Jana. He tells Travis to call Detective Stein if he hears anything and leaves. Travis watches him out of his window and sees him take off his uniform shirt and get into an unmarked car and leave. He gets Jana from her hiding place in the dishwasher. The decide to leave for somewhere safer.
25. EXT. JESSICA’S APARTMENT – LATER
Travis and Jana show up and Jessica lets them in.
26. INT. JESSICA’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jessica agrees to hide Jana in her apartment while Travis goes in search of Rick to warn him about his boss.
27. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – AFTERNOON
Travis returns to his apartment to pack a bag and tries to call Rick. He only gets voicemail. He leaves.
28. INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION – SIMULTANEOUS
Rick calls Jessica and Jessica lets slip that she’s hiding Jana. Rick makes a phone call.
29. EXT. HIGHWAY/TRAVIS’S TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Jessica calls Travis to tell him Rick called her. The Ten of Swords shows up and Travis realizes Rick has set them up. The Page of Cups appears and Travis touches it and there is a flash.
30. EXT. JESSICA’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Travis shows up to the apartment. Jana comes out to meet him and Hank shoots her in the chest, killing her. Rick says he’s sorry.
31. EXT. RED LIGHT/TRAVIS’S TRUCK
Travis comes out of the vision and floors it to go faster.
32. EXT. JESSICA’S APARTMENT – MINUTES LATER
Travis shows up to the apartment and the vision starts to play out. Travis shouts a warning and Jana ducks. Hank misses her. Jessica throws a knife and it sticks into Hank’s shoulder. Travis and Rick struggle briefly over the file before Travis snatches it and he, Jana, and Jessica flee. Rick picks up Jessica’s knife and he and Hank pursue.
33. EXT. CITY STREETS/HANK’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Hank and Rick have lost Travis and company. They argue. Hank threatens to kill Rick, but tells him the only thing that matters is the file.
34. INT. WAREHOUSE – LATER
Perkins chews out Hank and Rick and tells them to find Travis and company and the file or else.
35. INT. FARM HOUSE – EVENING
Jana sleeps while Travis and Jessica discuss where the house came from, Travis and Jana’s love, and protecting one another.
36. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Rick and Hank search Travis’s apartment. Rick finds Travis’s address book and sees the farm house address. He surmises that is where Travis has gone.
37. INT. FARMHOUSE – MORNING
Travis wakes up. Jessica hasn’t slept. Travis hears the voice of the cards telling him to “stop the one in gray”. He spots some stationery and begins to rifle through it, saying he’s going to write Perkins a letter.
38. EXT. HIGHWAY/HANK’S CAR – AFTERNOON
Rick and Hank have words. Rick seems to be having second thoughts.
39. INT. FARM HOUSE – AFTERNOON
Travis and company discuss going to the police, but are not sure who to trust. Jessica spots Hank’s car. Travis leads them to the back of the house.
40. EXT. FARM HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Hank and Rick come to the house. Hank suspects a trick. He tells Rick to go around back and he’ll enter through the front.
41. INT. FARM HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Rick and Hank search the house while Travis and company crawl through the crawlspace beneath the house. Rick and Hank search upstairs but they hear a noise and Hank runs downstairs.
42. EXT. FARM HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Hank pulls Jessica out from the crawlspace. He tells Rick to look and see if anyone else is under there. Rick looks and sees Travis and Jana, but tells Hank there isn’t anyone there. Jessica lies and tells Hank she dropped Travis and Jana off the night before and that they’re gone. Hank decides to kill Jessica, but Rick convinces him to use her as bait for Travis. They tie her up and leave to take her to Perkins.
43. INT. FARMHOUSE – LATER
Travis and Jana sit on the couch not sure what to do. Rick calls them and assures them Jessica is fine but to follow his instructions to bring the file to Perkins or they will kill her.
44. EXT. FARM HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Travis and Jana leave the farm house to go save Jessica.
45. INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Rick, Jessica, Hank, Perkins, and guards are all waiting for Travis’s phone call. While no one is looking, Rick signals to Jessica he’s on her side. Travis calls and Rick gives him the next set of instructions.
46. EXT. CITY STREETS/TRAVIS’S TRUCK – LATER
Travis and Jana are trying desperately to make the phone calls within the time constraints they are given. They are almost hit by a train and they run out of time for the next call.
47. INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
With no phone call, Hank pulls out his gun to shoot Jessica. Rick convinces Perkins to give Travis another minute. Travis calls in the nick of time.
48. EXT. CITY STREETS/TRAVIS’S TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Rick gives Travis the final instructions. He says something that makes Travis realize he’s on their side.
49. INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Rick drags Jessica to a back room making it seem to Perkins and Hank that he’s going to rape her.
50. INT. WAREHOUSE BACKROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Rick frees Jessica and tells her once she’s free of the warehouse to call Detective O’Connell and tell him where she is.
51. INT. WAREHOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Rick returns to the warehouse floor. Snide remarks are made about Jessica. Perkins seems suspicious.
52. EXT. WAREHOUSE ROOFTOP – MOMENTS LATER
Jessica calls O’Connell and relays Rick’s message. She decides to go back into the warehouse to help Rick.
53. EXT. WAREHOUSE – SUNDOWN
Travis and Jana reach the warehouse. It begins raining and Travis comes up with a plan.
54. INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Travis bluffs to burn the folder, Perkins calls the bluff. He sends Hank to get Jessica. When Hank reports Jessica gone Perkins threatens to shoot Rick. The Death card flutters down in front of Perkins, distracting him, and Rick uses the opportunity to dive into the shadows. A game of cat and mouse begins ending with Jessica killing one guard, Rick getting shot in the shoulder protecting Travis, Hank falling off a catwalk, and swat showing up just as Perkins gets the upper hand. Perkins tosses the file folder into a fire.
55. EXT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Travis gives the file, which he had hidden in the hollowed out tarot book, to O’Connell. Rick is rushed to the hospital. Travis discovers the cards have left him.
56. EXT. FAIREGROUNDS – A FEW DAYS LATER
Travis, Jana, and Jessica are at the ren faire. They wonder where Rick is.
57. INT. MADAM LYDIA’S HUT – CONTINUOUS
Rick gets the same fortune as Travis did at the beginning of the movie.
FADE OUT
Starting from the end, flag the beats that need help.
…all of them. I’m not going to repeat the whole thing here or this sucker would be LONG.
Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed each of those beats.
See above.
Conclude with your new list of beats.
FADE IN:
1. INT. CAFE – LUNCH
Travis and Rick are at lunch discussing Travis’s obsession with the esoteric and occult. On the news is a story about Perkins being investigated for racketeering.
2. EXT. FAIREGROUNDS – DAY
Travis is walking around the fairgrounds. He happens upon Madam Lydia’s hut set back away from the rest of the hubbub. She calls out to him to enter and he does.
3. INT. MADAM LYDIA’S HUT – CONTINUOUS
Madam Lydia tells Travis’s fortune with an ancient set of tarot cards. She tells him that he has a lot of danger and strife coming and that the cards will “tell you what you don’t want to know”. Travis gets angry and leaves.
4. EXT. FAIREGROUNDS – MOMENTS LATER
The hut vanishes as soon as Travis leaves. He freaks out and leaves the faire.
5. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Travis enters his apartment. He sits down and feels something in his pocket. It is the tarot deck Madam Lydia used. He vows to return it the next day.
6. EXT. FAIREGROUNDS – THE NEXT DAY
Travis returns to the fairgrounds. He tries to find Madam Lydia. Every girl comes onto him as he does until he discovers that “The Lovers” card is on top of the deck. As soon as he reshuffles, the spell dissipates. He leaves without finding Madam Lydia.
7. EXT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – LATER
Travis comes home and meets Jana who is moving in next door. They have a moment and he offers to help her move in.
8. SERIES OF SHOTS OF TRAVIS HELPING JANA MOVE IN.
9. EXT. JANA’S APARTMENT – LATER
Jana tries to pay Travis but he refuses. There is a mutual attraction. Travis tells her to holler if she needs anything.
10. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER
Travis sits down and looks at the cards. The image on the Page of Cups looks like Jana for a moment before going back to its original artwork.
11. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
Rick visits Travis and tells him about his new job. He spots the tarot deck and teases Travis about it. He leaves. The Ten of Swords appears beside the deck with the person on the card looking like Rick. Travis watches a news report about Perkins being investigated. The card changes to the King of Swords, the picture now looking like Perkins. Travis decides he needs to read up on tarot to figure out what is going on.
12. INT. ESOTERIC SHOP – LATER
Travis visits the shop to talk to Jessica about the cards. Jessica finds a reference to the cards in an old book about cursed items. She tells Travis to try to get rid of them.
13. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – LATER
Travis tries to burn the cards, but to no avail. He tries to put the cards up, but the Ace of Cups slips out of the deck. He looks it up and it tells him love at first sight becomes real love. Jana knocks on his door and asks him if he wants to go to dinner. He accepts.
14. INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT – LATER
Travis and Jana are having dinner getting to know one another a little better. Jana tells Travis she works for a councilman filing important documents. He tells her he is a programmer. They flirt hard with each other.
15. EXT. JANA’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Travis and Jana kiss, but Travis has flashbacks of Kelley. Jana talks him through it. They decide to spend the night together.
16. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – NEXT MORNING
Travis takes the day off to try to destroy the cards again. The Page of Cups looking like Jana again appears and this time the voice of the cards tells Travis to “protect the one in red”. Jana shows up and tells Travis that she works for Perkins and found the information the investigators have been looking for. Hank, dressed as a cop, shows up and the cards warn Travis about him.
17. EXT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER
Travis answers the door looking like he just woke up. Hank asks Travis if he knows where Jana is. Travis says no, but Hank insists on looking around the apartment and enters.
18. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Hank searches Travis’s apartment, but doesn’t find Jana. He tells Travis to call Detective Stein if he hears anything and leaves. Travis watches him out of his window and sees him take off his uniform shirt and get into an unmarked car and leave. He gets Jana from her hiding place in the dishwasher. The decide to leave for somewhere safer.
19. EXT. JESSICA’S APARTMENT – LATER
Travis and Jana show up and Jessica lets them in.
20. INT. JESSICA’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jessica agrees to hide Jana in her apartment while Travis goes in search of Rick to warn him about his boss.
21. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – AFTERNOON
Travis returns to his apartment to pack a bag and tries to call Rick. He only gets voicemail. He leaves.
22. INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION – SIMULTANEOUS
Rick calls Jessica and Jessica lets slip that she’s hiding Jana. Rick makes a phone call.
23. EXT. HIGHWAY/TRAVIS’S TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Jessica calls Travis to tell him Rick called her. The Ten of Swords shows up and Travis realizes Rick has set them up.
24. EXT. JESSICA’S APARTMENT – MINUTES LATER
Travis shows up to the apartment and Travis shouts a warning as Hank and Rick show up. Hank shoots, but just misses Jana. Travis and Rick struggle briefly over the file before Travis snatches it and he, Jana, and Jessica flee.
25. INT. WAREHOUSE – LATER
Perkins chews out Hank and Rick and tells them to find Travis and company and the file or else.
26. INT. FARM HOUSE – EVENING
Jana sleeps while Travis and Jessica discuss where the house came from, Travis and Jana’s love, and protecting one another.
27. INT. TRAVIS’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Rick and Hank search Travis’s apartment. Rick finds Travis’s address book and sees the farm house address. He surmises that is where Travis has gone.
28. INT. FARMHOUSE – MORNING
Travis wakes up. Jessica hasn’t slept. Travis hears the voice of the cards telling him to “stop the one in gray”. He spots some stationery and begins to rifle through it, saying he’s going to write Perkins a letter.
29. EXT. HIGHWAY/HANK’S CAR – AFTERNOON
Rick and Hank have words. Rick seems to be having second thoughts.
30. INT. FARM HOUSE – AFTERNOON
Travis and company discuss going to the police, but are not sure who to trust. Jessica spots Hank’s car. Travis leads them to the back of the house.
31. EXT. FARM HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Hank and Rick come to the house. Hank suspects a trick. He tells Rick to go around back and he’ll enter through the front.
32. INT. FARM HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Rick and Hank search the house while Travis and company crawl through the crawlspace beneath the house. Rick and Hank search upstairs but they hear a noise and Hank runs downstairs.
33. EXT. FARM HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Hank pulls Jessica out from the crawlspace. He tells Rick to look and see if anyone else is under there. Rick looks and sees Travis and Jana, but tells Hank there isn’t anyone there. Jessica lies and tells Hank she dropped Travis and Jana off the night before and that they’re gone. Hank decides to kill Jessica, but Rick convinces him to use her as bait for Travis. They tie her up and leave to take her to Perkins.
34. INT. FARMHOUSE – LATER
Travis and Jana sit on the couch not sure what to do. Rick calls them and assures them Jessica is fine but to follow his instructions to bring the file to Perkins or they will kill her.
35. INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Rick, Jessica, Hank, Perkins, and guards are all waiting for Travis’s phone call. While no one is looking, Rick signals to Jessica he’s on her side. Travis calls and Rick gives him the next set of instructions.
36. EXT. CITY STREETS/TRAVIS’S TRUCK – LATER
Travis and Jana are trying desperately to make the phone calls within the time constraints they are given. They are almost hit by a train and they run out of time for the next call.
37. INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
With no phone call, Hank pulls out his gun to shoot Jessica. Rick convinces Perkins to give Travis another minute. Travis calls in the nick of time.
38. EXT. CITY STREETS/TRAVIS’S TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Rick gives Travis the final instructions. He says something that makes Travis realize he’s on their side.
39. INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Rick drags Jessica to a back room making it seem to Perkins and Hank that he’s going to rape her.
40. INT. WAREHOUSE BACKROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Rick frees Jessica and tells her once she’s free of the warehouse to call Detective O’Connell and tell him where she is.
41. INT. WAREHOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Rick returns to the warehouse floor. Snide remarks are made about Jessica. Perkins seems suspicious.
42. EXT. WAREHOUSE ROOFTOP – MOMENTS LATER
Jessica calls O’Connell and relays Rick’s message. She decides to go back into the warehouse to help Rick.
43. EXT. WAREHOUSE – SUNDOWN
Travis and Jana reach the warehouse. It begins raining and Travis comes up with a plan.
44. INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Travis bluffs to burn the folder, Perkins calls the bluff. He sends Hank to get Jessica. When Hank reports Jessica gone Perkins threatens to shoot Rick. The Death card flutters down in front of Perkins, distracting him, and Rick uses the opportunity to dive into the shadows. A game of cat and mouse begins ending with Jessica killing one guard, Rick getting shot in the shoulder protecting Travis, Hank falling off a catwalk, and swat showing up just as Perkins gets the upper hand. Perkins tosses the file folder into a fire.
45. EXT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Travis gives the file, which he had hidden in the hollowed out tarot book, to O’Connell. Rick is rushed to the hospital. Travis discovers the cards have left him.
46. EXT. FAIREGROUNDS – A FEW DAYS LATER
Travis, Jana, and Jessica are at the ren faire. They wonder where Rick is.
47. INT. MADAM LYDIA’S HUT – CONTINUOUS
Rick gets the same fortune as Travis did at the beginning of the movie.
FADE OUT
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