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Day 4 Assignment
Post your assignment by replying here.
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25 Replies
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Rebecca Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is finding that even a good scene can be improved and tightened using these techniques.
INT. ANDERSON HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY
After a night at the brothel, a disheveled Sherwood arrives home and learns from the babysitter that his wife gave birth to a baby girl. Chastised by the sitter, guilt sets in.
Essence: Sherwood embarrassed at his condition uses anger toward the sitter to cover up his guilt. The news that his wife gave birth during his absence adds one more layer.
Surprise, Character changes radically, Uncertainty
INT ANDERSON HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY
Sherwood, disheveled, arrives home from the brothel reeking of whisky and cheap perfume. He finds Mrs. Wampler minding the boys.
SHERWOOD
Where’s my wife?
MRS. WAMPLER
In the hospital. Where have you been?
She eyes him with disgust.
SHERWOOD
None of your GOD damn business.
Mrs. Wampler, cold anger.
MRS. WAMPLER
No need to show me the door.
She flings on her wrap, turns.
MRS. WAMPLER
Good bye boys. By the way Mr. Anderson, congratulations on your new baby girl.
She stomps out of the house. Sherwood’s jaw drops, shame replaces anger.
SHERWOOD
Come boys, lets go out for ice cream.
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Interest Techniques
Note: the following is to complete the assignment given by email on July 17. This does not complete the assignment given via the teleconference of 7/17.
What I’ve learned about improving my writing is that every scene should generate interest. Every interest technique creates a bridge to the next — and multiple techniques can create more interest and more synergy between the various techniques used.
Logline/Essence: A journalist (Alison) enters China under circumstances that could provoke suspicion by the government. Alison is conveyed as a China expert (fluent in Chinese) and potentially a ‘person of interest’ to the government.
Interest Techniques: Superior Position, Suspense, Betrayal, Uncertainty, Intrigue
Rewritten Scene:
Note: if spoken in Chinese the dialog will be subtitled.
INT. CHENGDU AIRPORT, CHINA – DAY
Alison stands in line at immigration. She shows the IMMIGRATION OFFICER (30) her passport.
The Officer doesn’t look up.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Purpose of visit?
ALISON (in Chinese): Tourist.
The immigration officer is surprised she speaks Chinese, and looks through her passport.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: (in Chinese) Journalist?
ALISON (in Chinese): Yes.
The officer scrutinizes her.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: (in Chinese) What organization?
ALISON: Independent.
He looks up at her suspiciously.
OFFICER: BBC?
ALISON: I said independent.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: One minute.
The officer takes Alison’s passport, walks back to a desk and talks to ANOTHER OFFICER. They exchange some words and write something down as Alison looks on.
The officer returns.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Come with me.
ALISON (in Chinese): What for? What about my passport?
IMMIGRATION OFFICER (in Chinese): Just come.
The immigration officer leads Alison to a security room.
On the wall is a clock. 11:00 AM.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER (Chinese): Wait here.
ALISON (Chinese): I have to meet someone.
OFFICER: It can wait!
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Carol L. Paur Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is my scenes were messed up and needed switching to have a greater impact. Also, using these techniques is a way to give greater meaning to the characters’ words and actions.
Logline: Cecelia takes one of the residents to the dermatologist to have a mole removed and does nothing when the doctor refuses to give the resident anesthetic for the pain.
Essence: Cecelia is clueless about how people with mental illness are often treated.
Scene: Doctor’s office
Suspense – what is going to happen at the doctor clinic, especially after Georgina expresses fear and later when Cecelia questions the doctor. Surprise – we think the doctor will give Georgina pain medication before cutting into her, but he doesn’t. Major Twist; Doctor lies to Cecelia when she asks about anesthetic. Betrayal of Cecelia to Georgina. She lets the doctor work on Georgina without giving her pain meds even though she had told her previously that the doctor would numb her.
INT. MEDICAL CLINIC HALLWAY – DAY
Cecelia and Georgina follow the NURSE down the hall. Georgina rubs her arm.
GEORGINA NOWAK
I’m scared.
CECELIA HEART
It’s nothing. I had a little mole removed. They numb the area. You won’t feel anything.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
Georgina and Cecelia sit in the chairs. The nurse takes the blood pressure cup and wraps it around Georgina’s ample arm. The nurse begins to pump.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
The nurse writes in the chart and looks up at Cecelia.
NURSE
The patient should go on the exam table.
Cecelia helps Georgina stand and takes her to the table.
The nurse opens a drawer and pulls out a hospital gown. She hands it to Cecelia.
NURSE
Tell her to take off her bra and top and put this on with the tie in the front.
The nurse leaves.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
Georgina, with her hospital gown on, waits. Cecelia, with her legs crossed, flips through a magazine. DOCTOR RAVINSKI pushes himself into the room, along with the nurse pushing in metal tray on wheels.
Dr. Ravinski smiles at Cecelia and holds out his hand. Cecelia takes the proffered hand, and they shake.
DR. RAVINSKI
Hello! Glad to meet you. So what’s going on with the patient?
CECELIA HEART
Her previous doctor scheduled her to have a mole removed.
She stands up to point at the mole on Georgina’s arm.
DR. RAVINSKI
Yes, that’s in her chart.
He washes his hands, gloves himself, and puts on a mask. The nurse does the same. The nurse wipes Georgina’s arm.
Dr. Ravinski holds the scalpel high. Georgina looks at it and leans away.
DR. RAVINSKI
Stand still or it’ll hurt.
He moves in closer and is about to cut, when Cecelia coughs.
CECELIA HEART
Wait! Don’t you usually numb the area before cutting?
He stops, sighs heavily, and turns toward Cecelia.
DR. RAVINSKI
She’s on lots of medication so it’s not advisable to give her more.
Cecelia squints her eyes, unsure of that answer, but does not resist.
POV: Cecelia flipping through magazine.
GEORGINA NOWAK (O.S.)
Ow. That hurts. Stop. No. Ow.
DR. RAVINSKI (O.S.)
Stop being a baby. Nurse, hold her down.
Cecelia stops looking at the magazine and looks up, stunned.
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Kathleen Schank
I’ve learned about how necessary is the skill of maximizing points of interest in great story writing. These techniques named by Hal are a good lesson on tactics of plot and .
Scene 41:
Logline:
Lacy is at home alone, her husband is away. Ghosts of outlaws invade the home. With Lacy still asleep, they decide to make themselves at home. She awakens to her covers being pulled off of her bed and chases them out the door although she doesn’t see them.
Essence:
The element of fear shows it’s face as Lacy is haunted and her life is threatened. The ghosts of outlaws laugh and have a good time even though they scare her.
Two ways to re-write:
Suspense: The audience anticipates the moment when the ghosts make actual contact with Lacy, to see what happens as she becomes increasingly afraid.
Superior Position / Dramatic Irony: Lacy doesn’t know the outlaws are outside, and she doesn’t know where they are in the house or what they are going to do…
SCENE 41, SUSPENSE and Dramatic Irony.
In the 21st century,
EXT shots of Lacy’s ranch house, twilight… ghosts of outlaws approach the house.
Lacy is home alone and is relaxing inside the house. She doesn’t see the ghosts creeping around outside.
She looks at her phone, which reads a message: It’s from Ken and it says:
I had to go out of town, busy at this party… can’t talk now, later!
LATE AT NIGHT
Lacy reads a magazine, cooks dinner for herself including dessert which is ice cream w/ strawberries. She stays awake watching all of her favorite classic movies. She appears calm and composed.
Then she texts back to Ken,
Good night Ken, have fun!
Lacy doesn’t see or hear him at all, and is frightened when an object falls off the kitchen counter by itself.
INT LIVING ROOM/ KITCHEN
Enter Outlaws
The ghosts of outlaws have entered the house through the wall or window or door… but she doesn’t see or hear them. They are J Dog, Charles Ray aka Pony, and Dolly and they’re laughing.
LACY
Is there someone there? What?
She walks into the kitchen
Lacy notices something is queer, as some noise in the kitchen and an object from the counter falls on the floor.
Lacy drinks more white wine and finishes the bottle.
She turns off the light, keeping the TV on and falls asleep.
BEDROOM
Lacy doesn’t know that JDog is in her bedroom watching her.
JDOG
I want to get some sleep in this century, and how!
The rest of the outlaws are still in the other rooms.
Outlaws enter the bedroom while Lacy sleeps.
Dreaming, she begins to see visions of the past… and feels emotions full of pleasure in her bed all alone, forgetting Ken’s not there. The ghost of the outlaw J Dog is there but she doesn’t know it’s him because he’s invisible.
DOLLY
This one’s mine!
CHARLES RAY
I want a turn.
DOLLY
A turn at what?
CHARLES RAY
I want to sleep with her.
DOLLY
That’s my job, I’m Dolly!
Suddenly, she feels scared and awakens astonished; when her invisible lover pulls the cover clear off of the bed.
LACY
(Astonished)
My blanket!
She rises out of bed quickly
Yikes! Ghosts- ? Are there ghosts here…? What do you want!
Lacy senses them but doesn’t see or hear them. She’s scared.
The TV and the lights alternately flicker on and then off and then on again by themselves.
CHARLES RAY
(Surprised by the light)
It’s too bright in here…
LACY
(Scared)
Oh, my gosh! Who’s there? You pulled off my blanket, who are you ghosts?
JDOG
Why- don’t you want Dolly to sleep with you, he won’t bite?!
Grabs a flashlight and is shining it all around… she exits the bedroom.
LACY
Where are you? Don’t be hiding in my house, you just leave now!
Lacy looks around the house in every room, trying to find them as the lights flicker on and off again.
LACY
(She almost hears them)
Go away! You devils, you were in my bed with me while I was asleep! I’m going to open the door, and you go outside-!
(She struggles and takes her robe, puts it on in a hurry down the stairs…)
DOLLY
Ma’m, please let us stay-see, we just happen to be from times past. And we wanted to try uh- watching your TV!
(They begin to laugh, but she doesn’t see or hear
CHARLES RAY
Yup, just TV watchin’. Let’s turn it on.
TV flickers on… the volume is loud.
Lacy, afraid starts crying.
Snickers, her dog is outside.
JDOG
W-o-o-f!
W-o-o-f!
LACY
Snickers?!
She calls the dog as she is trying to reach the door and get it open… she is too scared to unlock it…
Did I hear the dog? Where’s the dog- Snickers!
She opens the front door… The dog Snickers comes running…barking. She gets the door open… she still doesn’t seem to see or hear the ghosts.
(She steps back and shouts)
Get out ghosts! I’m sorry but you can’t stay here with me!
Jesse Evans is standing there when she opens it, only she doesn’t see him. The sight is frightening, it is dark out and his face is lit with reflections.
JESSE
(Laughs)
Ha, ha! It’s me… Jesse.
Come on you dogs and git outta this lady’s bedroom! You’re not behavin’ right- you leave my woman alone for now. That’s until we decide who gets to sleep in a bed at last!
Points his pistol at the boys as they make their exit.
All of the outlaws exit.
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Janeen’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I had a lot more interest techniques in my head than I put on the page. Reactions, emotions, etc. were often what I saw when I visualized the scene, but were not on the page.
Scene from Canine Comedy Crew, Opening
Scene Logline: Abby’s step-mom (Whitney) insists Abby train the dog and her dad knuckles under to Abby’s explanation for why that can’t happen and then he suggests an alternative.
Essence: Abby still rules her dad, but he’s trying to be tough.
Additional Interest Techniques:
Character Changes Rapidly — Greg, usually distracted by work and overwhelmed by Abby’s wheedling, becomes stern. He’s decided he needs to support his wife and that Abby should, indeed, be taking more responsibility with Teddy, the 150 pound dog.
Superior Position/Dramatic Irony — Abby is used to having her way with her dad (Greg) and usually assumes superiority, dictating to him. When he takes a stand this time, she reverts to a more childish wheedling to try to get her way. That doesn’t work either and she wonders if she is losing control of her dad.
INT. FAMILY HOUSE – MORNING
WHITNEY is preparing breakfast. GREG sits at the table eating with one hand and working on email on his phone with the other.
WHITNEY
Greg, he’s got one of my bras out there again.
Greg grunts in acknowledgement as he eats breakfast.
WHITNEY
And I think he’s shredded the dog training book we got Abby for Christmas.
Greg grunts again.
WHITNEY
(more emphatic)
Every time I bring it up Abby says she’s going to train him, but she can’t even get him to go for a walk.
Greg grunts again.
WHITNEY
I love Teddy dearly and he’s a sweet dog even if he is
WHITNEY (CONT’D)
destructive, but after two years, she should at least be able to take him for a walk. Greg.
Greg looks up in resignation.
ABBY comes into the kitchen with her backpack.
GREG
Honey, we’ll sign you and Teddy up for an obedience class after school today.
Abby speaks to Greg conspiratorially so Whitney won’t hear, pointing to the family schedule on the wall. Greg’s eyes go back to his phone.
ABBY
When? There’s no time in my schedule.
GREG
Well, make time. It has to be done.
ABBY
Whitney made the schedule, not me.
Greg looks Abby in the eye, sharpens his voice.
GREG
Then tell Whitney, not me.
ABBY
(getting snarky)
She’ll just say what she always does. She needs me and Noah out of the house as much as possible so she can work.
GREG
Well, if you’re in class with Teddy, you’ll be out of the house. And, Whitney can work in the store or in the car while you’re in class.
ABBY
There’s a bigger problem.
Greg looks at Abby with a smirk.
GREG
And that would be?
ABBY
She doesn’t want Teddy in her car.
Greg sighs, recognizes the truth in that and goes back to his phone.
GREG
Then talk to Betty. See if she’ll help you. Her dogs can’t wait to do obedience with her.
Abby is ready to object when Greg glances at her.
GREG
Honey, you should at least be able to take Teddy for a walk. You know that.
ABBY
(wheedling)
I’ve tried, Dad. The only way he’ll do anything for me is if I lure him with food.
GREG
So use food. That’s what we do with Noah.
ABBY
So I’m supposed to wave a bowl of dog food in front of him while we walk?
Greg nods.
ABBY
He’s faster than me. He’ll get it and then I won’t have any way to get him to come home with me.
Greg puts his phone down. Becomes stern.
GREG
Then bring two bowls with you if that’s what it takes.
Abby shakes her head.
GREG
(exasperated)
Look, we lure Noah out the kitchen by tossing treats into the other room, right?
Abby nods.
GREG
Just do the same thing on the sidewalk with Teddy. He’s almost as food motivated as Noah.
Greg picks up his phone again. Abby gives him a long stare, blinks a few times and walks away looking puzzled.
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Doug Ryan: Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is making sure every scene should have interest that could supply story and character development. Even if the stakes in the scene are not that high, you can showcase these interest elements for a twist coming later in the story.
Logline: As Albert Fletcher watches, from ultimate safety, the impeding hurricane, his wife (Darcy) reminds him of their priorities.
INT. FLETCHER CONDO – CONTINUOUS
Led Zeppelin’s “No Quarter” plays, the only lights are that of neon LED lights for smart devices. The Fletchers are standing at the windows watching. THUNDER!
Lightning crackles in the distance. We can see the hurricane destruction happening in real time. There is a boat anchored near the private beach.
DARCY FLETCHER
(Points to the boat) Who do you think that is?
ALBERT FLETCHER
Could be Conrad Ryan. He said he was heading to the Virgins.
They nod in eerie unison. Albert points to Darius, Juan and Vito, driving by in the golf cart. The wind is so strong it almost knocks the cart over.
ALBERT FLETCHER
Think they’ll make it to his room?
Her look, even in the dark, speaks of her indifference.
ALBERT FLETCHER
Gotcha.
He sips his slime smoothie, and motions for his wife to finish hers. She leans in close to his ear.
DARCY FLETCHER
(Softly) Honey, you remember that article that we read about the radioactivity in bananas?
She nuzzles his neck sensually. He likes this.
ALBERT FLETCHER
Yes dear.
DARCY FLETCHER
(Sensual) You know that fruit is just pure sugar and sugar is poison to our pure vessels right?
She kisses his neck and sucks his ear. He’s loving this! It could be sex night. But it’s not Thursday. She’s being Naughty.
ALBERT FLETCHER
Oh! Yes, dear. Mmm! Total poison.
He moans as she kisses his neck and begins to rub him all over. Lightning flashes violently in the sky.
DARCY FLETCHER
(Sweetly) And those bananas can cause cancer, (Sensually) you know that you read that. I sent you the article and we said…
Her hand moves up to his hair and pulls his head back, and shoves the shit drink into his stomach. He grabs the glass and groans in pain.
DARCY FLETCHER
(Silent and angry) No fucking bananas. If I see another banana in this house I’ll slit you from ass to elbow with that knife over there.
She points his head to a small paring knife on the counter.
DARCY FLETCHER
Got me!?
Her grip is too tight for him to nod, so she nods for him. She tussles his hair. He is frightened and aroused at the same time.
ALBERT FLETCHER
Will do honey.
She lets him go.
DARCY FLETCHER
Good! Clean up and close the shudders.
He looks at the spilled liquid on his clothes and floor. He puts the drink down and grabs a towel.
DARCY FLETCHER (O.S.)
Shudders first.
He frowns and does as he is told, pressing a button on the wall for the shudders. He uses the towel to blot the floor and his shirt.
He watches as Darius et al Pull up to his room.
ALBERT FLETCHER
(To himself) They made it? Another time then.
DARCY FLETCHER (O.S.)
(Loudly) Hurry up! I want to have sex before the markets open.
He perks up and fixes his hair in the reflection as the shudders lock into place.
ALBERT FLETCHER
Coming dear.
Thunder booms!
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James Bodley Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to have a wide palette of techniques to dip into and add interest and tension.
1. Scene from my script: (WHATEVER IT TAKES)
Reformed crook Dan ‘hasn’t a nickel’ Nichols returned to crime to get enough money for his eight-year-old daughter’s treatment. But things have gone pear shaped. Now with his ex-wife held hostage and Dan in chains, he’s forced to finish heroin refining for the gang.
2. Essence of the scene:
Dan and Karen know that in a couple of days they’ll be killed, and their sick daughter will become an orphan.
3. Interest techniques used:
Challenging situation
Suspense
Uncertainty — hope/fear
Twist
Surprise
Reveal
4. Rewritten scene:
INT. EL BASTION – DAY
MAKESHIFT LAB
Schiller lazes in an armchair, holding Dan’s ankle chain while Dan stirs bucket-size glass vessels set in pans of dry ice. As the solutions cool a white slush of heroin rapidly forms.
Snyde arrives, jerks his head and Schiller enters the lab. From under a bench he drags out two plastic bin liners filled with brick-hard vacuum packs. Snyde tows them away down the corridor.
CU DAN
He slips his daughter’s plastic Mickey Mouse figurine from his pocket and kisses it. He repockets it and places a heavy laboratory clamp stand on one end of the drying table and plugs in a heating mantle.
He turns the rheostat to “MAX” – the mantle’s filaments glow.
From a bottle of “SULFURIC ACID” he half fills a beaker and places it near the clamp stand.
Dan takes the thirty trays of dry fluffy white powder from under the drying lights and empties them into a plastic bin. Then refills the trays with moist slush, watching it steam. Glancing at Schiller, he says dreamily:
DAN
This stuff is so pure, you could cut it thirty percent and no one would be any the wiser.
He shakes his head at the idea of such a waste.
Dan drags the plastic bin to the vacuum packer. He scoops heroin into foil bags and lays them inside the machine. It CHUGS and BEEPS. Dan lifts out brick-hard vacuum packs and drops them into a bin liner.
Schiller, tongue in cheek, eases himself from the armchair and moseys over to the drying trays. Dan half turns to watch. Schiller pokes his forefinger into a tray of damp powder and sucks it thoughtfully.
Dan sidles over and stands near him. Schiller leers at him.
DAN
See what I mean?
Schiller nods. Dan points to the farthest tray near the door.
DAN
And you see that one?
Schiller glances in the direction of the tray, nods and turns back just as Dan jerks the beaker of acid into his eyes!
Schiller SHRIEKS ! A hand over his eyes he scrabbles for his gun but Dan skips away with the clamp stand. Schiller FIRES blindly, misses, FIRES again. Dan hits him hard on the ear with the heavy base of the stand, he lurches into the drying bench as Dan hits him again. The gun clatters to the floor.
CU SCHILLER
Eyes like pink dumplings he grovels on hands and knees for his gun. Dan stamps his thick fingers and kicks the gun away, then fells him like an ox with another savage blow.
Dan pockets the gun, grabs a bottle of “ETHER” and darts to the door. He hurls the bottle at the heating mantle. GLASS BREAKS, with a WHOOSH the lab ERUPTS in flame.
Dragging chain Dan runs down the corridor. An EXPLOSION blows him off his feet…
BEDROOM – SAME TIME
Karen charges her wheelchair at the bed, grabs the eiderdown and slides with it to the floor. On her stomach, pushing the wheelchair ahead, she slithers onto the upstairs landing.
POV KAREN
Snyde rushes into the hall below, pistol in one hand, a heavy canvass bag in the other. He heaves the bag beneath the hall phone table with a CLUNK, then plunges through a doorway.
On her stomach, Karen knots a necktie to the rear of the wheelchair and lowers it carefully down one step, then another. An EXPLOSION startles her and the necktie whips through her fingers. She watches horrified as the wheelchair cart-wheels downstairs and CRASHES into the hall.
It lies on one side, one wheel spinning.
Karen descends on her backside step by step.
HALL
She eyes the chair, one wheel has bent absurdly. Leaving it she squirms to the front door, reaches up for the handle, then hesitates. She turns and wriggles back the way she came…
KITCHEN
Dan gets to his feet and throws off his smoldering lab coat. He rushes to the cupboard holding the distribution board and pushes the gate circuit breaker home.
Then, chain in one hand, gun in the other, he casts about for Karen. Did she make it downstairs?!
Snyde scuttles across a doorway, Dan FIRES and crouches behind the island of hobs and sinks, his back to the French doors.
BANG! a slug SMASHES into the stove, RATTLING the pots. An empty cartridge case rolls across the tiles, a pool of water spreads.
Dan glances over his shoulder. Shocked he spots Karen on the lawn! She’s dragging herself along like a wounded animal and If Snyde spots her she’s done for!
With a whoop Dan takes off like a runner from the blocks. He dashes into the great room, zigzagging wildly.
GREAT ROOM
SHOTS send him diving behind a Scandinavian sofa. A picture on the wall above him SHATTERS.
SNYDE (V.O.)
For fuck’s sake, Benny. Can’t you shoot any straighter? He’s behind the bloody sofa, not halfway up the wall!
Dan sees Snyde, FIRES and FIRES again.
In a long eerie quiet, Dan eyes all directions. The porch door CREAKS as Snyde pushes it open with a broom. Dan pulls the trigger, a dry CLICK, he slips the magazine from the butt. Empty!
EXT. EL BASTION – LAWN – KAREN – DAY
Smoke pours from the damaged lab and shutters hang broken.
Hampered by the heavy canvass bag, she drags herself along on her forearms, jaw set, legs trailing behind her.
The lawn, bordered by a low fence, forces a detour, though through the fence is tantalizingly seen the barn.
Karen’s strength gives out. She collapses with a sob, grimy and exhausted, beating the dirt in frustration. She brushes sweat from her eyes, digs the silver foil from her jeans and trembling opens it. Clumsily she sniffs up the white powder.
She rests a moment, in the house GUNSHOTS sound. Then with new determination, she drags herself and the CLANKING sack onwards, urging herself on like a seal racing for the sea…
INT. EL BASTION – DAN – DAY
GREAT ROOM
Dan lays down the gun and coils his chain. He dashes back in the direction he came as bullets SING past. As he scrabbles at a door handle, something slams into him and he crashes through the door as splinters fly.
On Dan’s back an ugly wound blows bubbles of mucous and blood, his BREATH SOUNDING LIKE A PLUNGER in a blocked sink. Trailing chain he scrabbles to a narrow pantry, lies among mops and brooms, a freezer towes above him.
PANTRY
The door is kicked open. Benny stands there, his revolver aimed at him.
ECU the hammer is cocked, the cylinder turns.
Benny turns the gun aside, FIRES three times into a sack of rice. He nods at Dan, winks, then backs out into the corridor.
BENNY
(yells)
Got the bastard! Let’s get the hell out of here!
Dan falls back, spasms rack him. A HISS, he turns his head, rice grains stream from the punctured sack. It slowly crumples.
——– end of example (WHATEVER IT TAKES) ———
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EXT. STABLE WALKWAY – DAY
Robert sets on a bench outside the half door of a horse stall. Trent approaches the stall. The horse in the stall neighs.
Trent: Can you get my horse read for a run on the Track?
Robert: What do you think I am. Your stable boy?
Trent: You know, if you helped just a little, maybe I could cut you in on the next purse.
Robert: That old hagg will never win a purse.
Trent: You don’t know that. Besides you wouldn’t even be hear if it wasn’t for your daddy and my generosity.
Robert: What do you mean?
Trent: Well, I got you off those doping allegations
Robert: That was trumped up bull shit and you know it. If you want tack, get it yourself, it’s in the back equipment room.
Trent: Ok, but I’ll need your help. Not sure which ones are mine.
Trent and Robert head for the Back Equipment Room. Trent enters the Equipment Room followed by Robert. Trent reach for a bridal and reins. Robert grabs a shovel. Wack, knock Trent to the ground.
Trent staggers but keeps his balance. He wheels and looks at Robert.
Trent: What the fuck was that for?
Trent reaches behind his head and with draws a bloody hand.
Trent grabs a pitchfork and the two dual like two knights in a mid-evil duel. Trent lunges at Robert with the pitchfork. Robert slaps it down with the shovel. He swings and hit Trent in the side of the head with a blow that doubles him over.
Trent: I think you’re trying to kill me.
Trent is now sitting on the hay in the equipment room. He’s gasping for breath. Blood is running from his nose and down his chin.
Robert: You deserved a good ass whopping, you know that.
Trent: No I don’t.
Trent grabs the pitchfork and hurls it straight at Roberts mid section.
Thud, the pitchfork hits Robert in the stomach. Robert screams and crumples to the floor holding on to the pitchfork.
Trent: Sorry buddy, but you had it coming.
Trent and Robert sit there looking and each other bleeding. Trent reaches in his pocket and pulls out his cell phone. He dials 911.
911 Operator: What’s your emergency?
Trent: There’s been an accident at the Three Seasons Stables.
911 Operator: What’s your location?
Trent: 100 Oak Tree Lane, we’re in the Equipment Room in the Stables.
911 Operator: Ok Sir, don’t hang up. The Ambulance has been dispatched and will be there in 5 mins.
Trent: Please hurry, we may both die.
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Elle’s Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is that by using these interest techniques I can easily increase the quality and entertainment value of my script.
Essence: A change is happening
Interest techniques: Major twist, Surprise, betrayal, uncertainty, intrigue
UNCLE EDDY’S ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Uncle Eddy pops the blowup doll while having sex with it, and she seemingly screams as she deflates!
INT. AMANDA’S OFFICE – SIMULTANEOUS
The lights go out on Amanda and Wolf. He screams!
INT. SUZIE’S ROOM – SIMULTANEOUS
Jesse screams as he orgasms while having sex with Suzie!
EXT. PARK – SIMULTANEOUS
BJ kisses the Gay Guy. After a moment the Gay Guy screams!
EXT. BACKYARD – SIMULTANEOUS
The Female Dog howls while Bambi licks himself.
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Ann Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is finding the essence of the scene points to the major need for interest techniques. This was a breakthrough for me. The scene I’m using for this lesson was just a blah: she did this and this. But when I looked at the essence of the scene…She’s found the missile I realized how much this scene needed interest techniques.
Logline: River finds the missile.
The Essence is that River has found that the missile really does exist and it is what the terrorists are looking for plus she realizes her grandfather is involved.
Interest techniques: suspense, major twist, surprise, betrayal
Revised scene:
INT. TUNNEL – NIGHT
As River steps into the dark tunnel, she stretches her hands in front of her face. She slaps way palmetto leaves. Yelps in pain as they slice her hands. She stumbles to the ground and feels the path of a track with her hands.
She jumps to her feet and bangs against a hard wall. She pulls out her knife and stabs the wall. The loud sound of metal meets metal.
River talks to herself.
RIVER
So this is what you’ve been doing with Zuka. These weren’t lost or forgotten.
River leans her head against the wall. She takes a deep breath. In anger, she claws the wall to remove the covering. She reveals the Hercules missile.
River screams in fury.
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SUBJECT: Monica’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to try and use multiple interest techniques in each scene. I don’t think I’ve used more than maybe 2 per scene.
Take a scene that needs to be more interesting and use the Interest list to brainstorm more interesting ways to write it.
Take these steps:
1. Select the scene from your script that needs help and give us a logline for that scene.
Logline: Having been kidnapped by the Nazis in Lisbon, Rogerio and Calisto face the Nazis death solution for spies.
2. Tell us the essence of the scene.
Essence of Scene: Because this scene is near the end of the movie, Rogerio has finally forgave Calisto for betraying him to the Nazis in Paris. And now they are going to die together in a very gruesome way.
3. Tell us at least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.
I chose this scene because I know it can be more powerful. Right now I have hope/fear, a challenging situation, an interesting setting.
I would like to add: mislead/reveal and major twist.
4. Rewrite the scene using as many interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in your post.
Scene:
INT. BASEMENT ROOM – DAY
Rogerio and Calisto are back to back tied to chairs. Rogerio’s face is bloody. Calisto’s dress is ripped and she sports a black eye.
ROGERIO
You’re lucky Fleming pulled them off of you.
CALISTO
It wasn’t a fair fight.
ROGERIO
It never is for those that are captured.
(beat)
Your father sold you out.
CALISTO
For not getting married.
ROGERIO
I’m sorry.
CALISTO
What? Why?
ROGERIO
I know what it’s like not to be valued.
CALISTO
Is that why you keep trying to get yourself killed?
ROGERIO
Maybe.
CALISTO
If we survive this. First, I kill my father. Then I’ll see if Ian will send me to London.
ROGERIO
The Nazis are bombing the hell out of London.
CALISTO
I can’t stay in Lisbon.
The door opens. A NAZI SOLDIER enters with a large basin. He sets it down. Another NAZI SOLDIER enters with a wooden contraption with a large hole in the middle. He sets that down by the basin. A third NAZI SOLDIER enters with a large axe. He SMIRKS.
Calisto eyes widen.
A large puddle starts to form under her chair.
The NAZI SOLDIER with the axe slaps it against his hand. Then he leans it against the wall.
ROGERIO
You might not have a choice whether we stay or go.
The NAZI SOLDIER rubs his crotch. A big bulge appears in the front of his trousers. He goes to stand in front of Calisto. She starts to struggle against the bonds.
NAZI SOLDIER
(unzipping his trousers)
I hear you were quite the whore in Paris.
(beat)
I’m looking forward to the pleasure of fucking you and then killing you.
The NAZI SOLIDER straddles Calisto. He’s fumbling to get his penis out of his pants.
NAZI SOLDIER
You think that’s going to save you whore?
Calisto is rocking the chair from side to side. Rogerio catches on and together they fall to the side bringing the NAZI with them. He hits his head on the floor and is knocked out.
There’s SHOUTING and GUNFIRE in the hallway.
CALISTO
Is that…?
ROGERIO
It holds your head so they can chop it off.
Calisto look towards the door as it BURSTS open. Rogerio tries to twist his head to see who has entered. Fleming enters. He’s bloody and breathing hard. He takes a knife from his boot. Looks from one to the other. Knife in hand. Sees the basin, stocks and axe. And the NAZI on the floor.
FLEMING
Why are you on the floor?
ROGERIO
The ass was going to rape Calisto before he killed us.
(beat)
Is he dead?
Fleming hauls the NAZI off of Calisto. Drops him on the floor. Puts his fingers to the NAZIS neck.
FLEMING
No. Not dead.
(beat)
Right. Just in time then. You two alright?
CALISTO
Yeah. Never better. Thanks to you.
FLEMING
You know I can’t blow my cover.
Fleming starts to cut the ropes that bind Calisto’s hands. Helps her up. When she’s free she punches Fleming in the face. He rocks back onto his ass. Ian enters the room.
IAN
Shit. Fleming. What the hell did you do to them?
Ian sees the head chopping set up. The NAZI on the floor with his penis hanging out.
FLEMING
I had to make it look like I beat them up a bit.
IAN
Where’s Schmidt?
FLEMING
I don’t know. There’s some commotion down at the beach. Maybe he went there.
Fleming cuts the ropes from Rogerio’s hands. Helps him stand. Then Rogerio punches Fleming in the face.
FLEMING
I guess I deserved that.
IAN
I’m pulling you from your cover. You’re blown anyway.
FLEMING
I have one more task to do.
Ian shrugs out of his coat. He helps Calisto into it.
IAN
Fine. Then you’re done. Let’s go.
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Hope McPherson’s Max Interest Part 1
What I learned: Going back to add interest techniques had me looking at the scene with fresh eyes. I’d been OK with this scene, and it had a surprise and a twist already. But now I saw ways I could force the protagonist to face instant uncertainty and intrigue. The process was surprisingly freeing.
1. Logline: Charlie arrives at the old farm she’s just inherited, and plans to sell to a developer, only to discover a goat, donkey, and llama.
2. Essence: This won’t be the slam dunk “inherit and sell” that she expected.
3. ITs added: suspense; major twist; surprise; intrigue
EXT. FARMYARD – DAY
Driving a bright yellow VW convertible bug, Charlie swings into the farm’s barnyard. Big NO TRESPASSING sign, complete with a few bullet holes, sits at the gate.
A new layer of fluffy snow can’t hide that this farm as seen better days: dingy two-story farmhouse; nearby rundown faded red barn.
She parks. Climbs out of the car, looks around. Her urban winter attire clashes with the rural scene as she opens the VW’s hood, pulls out her overnight bag.
CHARLIE
(into the air)
Sorry, Aunt Charlotte. This just isn’t for me.She pulls keys from her baguette, begins the schlepp through the snow to the house.
A loud sorrowful bray pierces the quiet. Charlie spins around, drops her bag.
What the …
INT. RUNDOWN BARN – CONTINUING
The barn door slowly slides open. Charlie peeks around the door frame, steps inside.
CHARLIE
Hello?
This is no modern barn, with a smooth concrete aisle. This ragamuffin four-stall barn has an uneven hard-packed dirt floor that’s been around since the Reagan Administration.
Just inside, three dusty metal garbage cans crowd against a wall. Years ago, their lids were labeled in thick black marker: DONKEY, LLAMA, GOAT.
Across the dirt aisle, half bale of hay sits loose and wispy.
Above the cans hangs a sheet of paper in a plastic sleeve. Handwritten at its top: INSTRUCTIONS.
CHARLIE
(reading)
Taco — Half-cup … Henry … Dolly …
She wrenches open the lid labeled DONKEY. Peers inside: Pellets fill about one-third of it. A one-cup measure sits atop the pellets.
BANG, BANG, BANG!
Charlie jumps back, drops the lid.
The sliding door at the opposite end of the barn bounces hard against its rollers. Something wants in. Now.
BANG, BANG, BANG!
A grey nose shoves into a small gap, makes the gap wider.
CHARLIE
What?!
She runs to the sliding door, tries to hold it closed. Too late.
A goat bursts in!
CHARLIE
Ahh!
Charlie reels backward, falls.
The goat bleats, sees the open garbage can, and races for it.
The sliding door rumbles, shakes.
A donkey squeezes through next, shoving open the door with its fat sides.
The donkey plods to the uncovered garbage can. Joins the goat to chow down.
CHARLIE
Hey! You can’t be here!
Charlie scrambles to her feet.
Her eyes widen. What in the world …
She trips backward — falls again.
A tall white llama stands over her, glaring down its imperious long nose.
CHARLIE
No, no, this is not happening!
The llama sees the party at the other end of the barn, joins the fun.
Hay is flying. The goat shoves over a second garbage can.
Charlie leaps up again.
CHARLIE
Everybody out!
Yeah, right. They ignore her.
The barn’s front door swings open.
JARED MACK, DVM, wearing blue coveralls with a Mack Veterinarian Services patch, enters.
He’d be handsome if he weren’t exhausted — and suddenly pissed.
JARED
Who the hell are you? What the heck are you doing?!
He rushes in.
CHARLIE
Get your, your —
(waves her arm at the animals)
Get them out of here. NOW!
JARED
You get out! There’s a big no trespassing sign on the front gate. Read it on your way out!
Jared grabs a lead rope hanging on the wall. He flips it over the goat’s neck and hauls the uncooperative goat from the feed can. Jared drags the goat to one of the stalls.
CHARLIE
I’m not trespassing. This is my farm!
Jared stops dead in his tracks. The goat makes a break for it. Jared is faster, reels it back in.
JARED
(to Charlie)
You’re Charlotte?
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JOSEPH’S MAX INTEREST PART I
TECHNIQUES I USED: INTRIGUE, UNCERTAINTY, BETRAYAL, SUSPENSE
SCENE ESSENCE: FARON’S TRYING TO SALVAGE A CAREER AND HIS
INDUSTRY, BUT HAS MOUNTING THREATS EVERYWHERE HE TURNS THESE
DAYS.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – SIDEWALK – DAY
Limited by a bandaged forehead and raccoon eyes, Faron
squints while he and Hubert gaze upward at facade sign.
HUBERT
Flight’s in an hour.
FARON
Wanted to show you before I go.
INSERT – SIGN, which reads:
“Music City News”
BACK TO SIDEWALK
HUBERT
I’m worried about this.
FARON
It’s the diversion I need. And
maybe a financial boost. You saw
the earnings last quarter.
HUBERT
Damn Brits.
FARON
It’ll keep our music alive. Stories
about the songs, performers, their
marriages, affairs, and killings.
HUBERT
We could also be set back years.
FARON
Have I ever made bad decisions?
(before Hubert responds)
Why I partnered with The Gusher.
HUBERT
Tell me you didn’t bring him into
our world.
FARON
I can work with anyone, for the
right price. And money just seems
to flow when he’s around a project.
HUBERT
And the streets seem to run red
with another flow when he’s
involved, also.
FARON
I’ll make him behave. You’ll see.
Tell me about Lynn. Still angry?
HUBERT
Worried if you don’t get a reign on
things soon, it may be too late.
FARON
Sound advice.
HUBERT
Heeding it could mean watching your
grand kids grow up.
FARON
I barely spent time with their
parents, remember?
HUBERT
Some other motivation then.
(about the new venture)
You do know this paper’s failed
more times than space launches?
FARON
Why I’m asking him to throw in
twenty-five percent. In case.
HUBERT
Hopefully no body part in return.
FARON
That’s all rumor. And besides, with
your help, I always find a way to
make things work out.
HUBERT
You never needed anyone’s help to
succeed. Your life’s always been a
private dream. We were just lucky
enough to see some of it.
Bentley pulls up. Crisply attired CEO (The Gusher)gets out.
2.
FARON
(to CEO)
I’ll have one to match some day.
CEO
Gentlemen.
FARON
(to Hubert)
And next year, we’ll talk about
building a hotel.
HUBERT
Should I just go ahead and start
looking for a new job?
CEO
No need, Hubert. My fifty-one/fortynine
split makes this quite
solvent. When we go our separate
ways down the road, you’ll have a
nice profit. And also whatever’s
left of your golden boy here as a
tip.
FARON
Possibly you misunderstood the
offer. I said seventy-five/twentyfive.
Me.
CEO
The bank saw things differently.
After I pointed out the depth of
your leveraged position. Which you
apparently neglected to tell them.
FARON
Maybe I withdraw the offer.
CEO
You keep talking, maybe I make it
eighty/twenty. Me.
FARON
You’d flop without my name
recognition.
CEO
Out of your league in this type
venture, I’m afraid. What I do
isn’t entertainment. That’s why
there are no highs and lows.
3.
HUBERT
(anxious, hands check to
Faron)
Almost forgot, Buck Owens sends his
regards, and this, for the startup.
Pleased, Faron shows it to CEO, who scoffs at the amount
before going inside.
HUBERT (CONT’D)
Buck also wants you to place an ad.
FARON
He would. Worthless deserter.
CEO
(to Faron, before entering
building)
Save that. For your sick leave.
Faron folds the check away as if it’s a precious treasure.
FARON
(about CEO)
Not sure what you were worried
about, Herbert. He seems like a
real nice fellow.
HUBERT
This might be more dangerous than
your other life threatening hobby.
FARON
Oh, Feds trying to put a stop to
that. Said flying wasn’t for me.
Imagine? After Patsy, and now Jim
Reeves, it’s just as well. What
we’re doing up in those corn cans I
don’t know. Living’s certainly not
it.
What I learned: A major breakthrough in how to set up for an
important pay-off later by introducing a motive reveal in
this scene, for a future major twist in the story
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Cindi’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that every scene can be improved by adding several interest techniques. I’ve also started noticing scenes in produced movies and TV shows where they could use more interest techniques!
1. Logline for the scene from my script, THE DECLINE: Joe frantically tells Ellie there’s someone in his bedroom, and she thinks it is the killer that is loose in the neighborhood.
2. Tell us the essence of the scene. Ellie thinks the killer is in Joe’s house, but she discovers something almost worse–the extent of his decline from Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s.
3. Tell us at least two interest techniques for the rewrite. I was torn between writing this scene with superior position/dramatic irony instead of what I chose: Major twist, surprise, mislead/reveal, character changes radically, and then also suspense, and hope/fear. I chose the latter because I think it is overall more powerful, even though superior position/dramatic irony was tempting!
4. Rewrite the scene using as many interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in your post.
INT. JOE’S BATHROOM — NIGHT
Wearing gloves, Ellie uses disinfecting wipes to clean stool off the toilet handle, the bathroom faucet, the floor where Joe stepped in it. She follows the tracks into the carpet in the hallway.
Joe bursts out of the closed door at the end of the hallway, eyes wide with fear.
JOE
(whispering)
He’s in there! Someone bad is in there!
ELLIE
What? Who’s in there?
Joe scowls and raises his hands to indicate a creature with claws.
JOE
The man!
Ellie pales.
ELLIE
Who? The man the police are looking for?
Joe nods and scowls.
JOE
He’s sick. It’s sick what he did to those people!
Ellie starts to grab her phone from her pocket, but her gloves are covered with stool. She tries to pull them off, but they stick to her sweaty palms. One glove turns inside out, trapping her fingers.
Joe hurries back to the door, motioning for her to follow. Tangled in the gloves, she grimaces and has to use her teeth to try to rip one off to free her hand. She grabs her phone, unlocks it.
As Joe opens the door, she chases after him. She scours the hall for a weapon and grabs one of his high school football trophies. She wields it like a bat as she motions for Joe to wait outside as she enters the dark room.
INT. JOE’S BEDROOM — SAME
Ellie’s eyes dart around the shadowy room. A creaking noise comes from near his closet. Her heart beats in her ears. She dials 911 on her phone.
Joe bounds into the room holding a wrench. His weight on the rickety floor makes the closet door open slightly. The automatic light comes on. Ellie screams.
911 OPERATOR (ON PHONE)
911, what’s your emergency?
ELLIE
I’m at 116 Green Street, there’s someone in the closet, I think it’s the kil–
Suddenly Joe charges at the mirror on his dresser and smashes it with the wrench.
JOE
Get out of my house! This is my house and you don’t belong here!
Stunned, Ellie can’t move.
Joe looks at his reflection and smashes it.
JOE
Go on, get out of here, you’re sick!
Ellie runs to the closet and throws the door open. There’s no one in there. Joe whacks the mirror again.
ELLIE
Dad, stop! What are you doing?
Shaking with anger, he points at his reflection in the splintered mirror.
JOE
This is my house, not his, and he needs to leave!
911 OPERATOR
Ma’am, what’s going on there? Do you need help?
Joe pulls away from her and swings at his reflection in the last unbroken section of mirror.
JOE
Get out of my house! You’re a sick, cruel person!
Ellie sinks to the bed.
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James Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is applying interest techniques helps me expand any given scene with new possibilities not yet imagined that serves the story. This also works well with comedy which gives the scene a twist.
Logline: Pappy meets the “commandos” who will help with the shipment interception.
Essence: Pappy is turning into a danger to himself and those around him.
Interest techniques:
1. Suspense: Pappy’s friend, Eli, has a bad feeling about what’s going to happen in Calabro’s home as they wait for the “commandos” to arrive.
2. Surprise: it turns out the commandos are elderly men who probably should be in retirement.
3. Character changes radically: Pappy, as the initiator of the interception, lets the situation get to his head and becomes power hungry.
4. Uncertainty-hope/fear: Eli wants him and Pappy to run out on the anticipated meeting. It appears Eli will be successful, but Pappy changes direction.
5. Intrigue: Little is known about the commandos, who are allied with Calabro and seem to have their own alternate agenda.
Scene:
INT. CALABRO’S HOME – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Pappy sips his drink seated in front of the coffee table with an assortment of liquor bottles on top.
Eli nervously glances at the knife collection on the wall and the unused body bags supposedly hidden from view.
ELI
This is crazy. Let’s get out of here.
PAPPY
Relax, budster. I’m acquiring a taste for this stuff.
Eli takes a swig. His face contorts.
ELI
No, didn’t work. Let’s go.
Calabro returns with a bottle of water. He tosses it at Eli who immediately downs the water like a thirsty camel.
PAPPY
Are our helpers best in class?
CALABRO
They’re commandos used to high pressure situations. They should be here soon.
PAPPY
It’s getting late. Eli needs his nighttime siesta. So, we’ll meet them next time.
Eli is consumed with joy. They’re leaving.
CALABRO
Too bad. They crossed several states to be here.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
CALABRO
And guess who?
Eli’s joy transforms to a nightmare. Calabro answers the door and there they are in military formation wearing motorcycle helmets. THE THREE COMMANDOS.
They march inside a form a line in front of Pappy and Eli.
PAPPY
What’s with the helmets?
ELI
Yeah, are you guys in some kind of hiding?
CALABRO
(to the commandos)
You’re safe.
ELI
Safe? From what?
The three commandos remove their helmets in unison. All three turn out to be elderly men.
ELI
Shouldn’t you guys be playing golf enjoying your retirement.
CALABRO
They’re experienced. With these types of jobs. Men introduce yourselves.
TUBBY
Tubby. Extraction satisfaction specialist.
CHESTER
Chester. Protection in any weather specialist.
STOMPER
Stomper. Prime time firearms specialist.
Pappy takes a good look at the top notch help, misfits to say the least…
PAPPY
These men are exactly what’s needed. Sharp. Determined. Hard-core.
CALABRO
Men. This is your commander.
ELI
Commander?
The commandos sit in unison.
PAPPY
The operation next weekend is going to be a quick, smash and grab procedure.
ELI
So quick, this may be unnecessary. You guys must have more pressing missions to execute.
CALABRO
(to Eli)
You need some more.
Calabro gives Eli a bottle of vodka.
PAPPY
We’re going to intercept a cigar and condom shipment. You all will get to keep the cigars.
TUBBY
What about the condoms?
ELI
Who wants to get caught with overrated products anyway?
CHESTER
We still use those products. Like those.
Chester points to the unused body bags. Eli takes a deep swallow.
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Julie Wochholz Max Interest Part One
What I Learned: Interest techniques make a dull scene more like a roller coaster ride. They can give a scene or character more depth and purpose.
Scene Logline: Secretly smart girl MAYA gets ripped off trying to sell her “A” quality term paper, then acts dumb with her friends and steals another kid’s soda.
Essence: Maya pretends to be someone else to please whoever she is with at the time, compromising her values to do so.
Interest Techniques: Surprise. Mislead/Reveal. Betrayal. Character changes radically.
EXT. MCAULIFFE HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
A sedan pulls up to the curb and MAYA CHAMBERS (17) black, dressed like a cool kid, gets out and walks towards her high school.
SUPER: MONDAY – 2021
The horn honks.
Maya turns back. Sees her MOM, dressed for work, waving a term paper wildly about.
Maya trudges back to the car and takes the paper from Mom through the open window.
MOM
Seriously, Maya. You worked so hard on it, and you almost forget it?
MAYA
Yeah, right? What a dingus! Thanks. I would have been crushed. Love you.
MOM
Love you too, Smarty Pants.
Maya watches her Mom’s sedan drive off.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – BEHIND THE DUMPSTERS – DAY
Maya hands over her term paper to a six foot five tall SKINNY JOCK.
SKINNY JOCK
This is “A” quality, right? I need an A to get a C in class.
MAYA
I only turn out “A” quality work.
She sticks out her hand, waiting for a cash payment.
The Skinny Jock ignores her as he flips through the pages.
MAYA
Oh come on, like you can tell if it’s any good. You own me a hundred.
SKINNY JOCK
I ain’t payin’ you shit.
MAYA
We bargained in good faith.
SKINNY JOCK
It ain’t called “free” enterprise for nothin’.
Maya grabs for the paper, Skinny Jock laughs, dodges as she gets more aggressive, holds it high above his head.
SKINNY JOCK
You cain’t do nuthin about it, admit it. I could tell your posse how you’re so fake and really just a nerd. Maya Chambers, Miss Party Girl, secretly doing the team’s homework all year.
She’s defeated, stops grabbing.
MAYA
You’re an asshole.
INT. MCAULIFFE HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – DAY
Maya passes fellow Gen-Z kids – BIPOC and white. Just regular kids, wearing typical stuff: gaming, anime and sports team tee-shirts, street wear. Some girls are woke, VSCO. One kid is EMO, her friend is goth.
Kids text. Listen to music through ear buds. One girl snaps a selfie with a friend. A couple of kids sip from Starbucks cups.
AT MAYA’S LOCKER
Decorated with pictures of the hottest celebs: Weeknd, Janelle Monea, Chadwick Boseman.
Two more cool kids, DUANE and NIKKI, flank Maya.
DUANE
Hey, girl.
MAYA
Hey yourself.
NIKKI
I’m tanked, forget all about that paper.
MAYA
Me too! My mom is gonna kill me.
DUANE
Too busy partying?
MAYA
You know me.
EVAN (18) Korean heritage, basic clothes, backpack heavy with textbooks, walks by sipping a Korean soda pop. Duane reaches out, yanks the soda out of his hand.
EVAN
Hey!
Maya laughs as Duane takes big swallow.
MAYA
Gimme a sip.
Duane passes the can to Maya, who drinks.
Evan stands and just stares from Maya to Duane, back to Maya.
MAYA
Get lost, loser.
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MICHAEL GRECO Max Interest Day 4 Creative Mastery 2 7.17.21
What I learned that is improving my writing is that exploring options in the areas identified opens up monumental possibilities for finding nuances in the characters and elevating multiple facets of the script.
SCENE 3-13 SHOTS FIRED.
Logline: Larry and his wife Angela angle to reprise the Threesome they had with Iris when they were in undergrad; Iris challenges Larry’s name for the alarm system, and comes up with a name that works, and transcends.
Essence: Larry’s ulterior motive for working with Iris on the mass shooting alarm system project is revealed: Larry wants to have sex with Iris. Since they are both married, Larry’s tack is to re-ignite the threesome that he and his now-wife Angela had with Iris during their undergrad years, and since they are working in his house Larry sees this as the perfect opportunity. Iris proves her tenacity and ingenuity, both deftly rebuffing Larry’s and Angela’s overtures and concentrating on the alarm system project. By the end of the scene, Iris has successfully challenged Larry’s name for the system, and come up with the name that will work: Shots Fired.
————————————————————–
ORIGINAL SCENE IN SCRIPT:
SCENE 3-13
INT. LARRY AND ANGELA’S RESIDENCE. NIGHT.
Larry and Iris sitting or standing around the dining room
table, which has become a War Room for Blackwatch system.
Iris keeps pounding away at the demographic maps and
comparing them to criminal arrest patterns and records. Larry
refers to the computer and to maps as well. At some point he
stops, rubs his eyes, and stretches his arms rearward.
IRIS:
He’ll come on board. In a way, he
just has to be convinced for
himself.
LARRY:
You, ah, have some influence on
him, just wife him into it-
Iris thinks a second, chuckles.
IRIS:
I can’t work him or … entice him
into it-
LARRY:
Aw, Come on, I mean, look at you-
IRIS:
Meanwhile, we concentrate on market
opportunities across the City –
That will bring everyone on board
LARRY:
You don’t have to hit it quite that
hard
IRIS:
Larry, this is the job
LARRY:
It’s going to sell itself, trust
me
IRIS:
Not a trust thing, believe me. It
will not sell itself. If we don’t
target the likely customers this
launch will fall flat. Seriously.
LARRY:
I know. I mean, sure.
IRIS:
This is what I know, based on my
knowledge. And my experience. This
is what I do.
LARRY:
I just don’t want you to get …
over-stressed-
Larry comes around table toward Iris. Iris subconsciously
moves in the same direction, keeping a distance.
IRIS:
I can worry about my stress, um,
stress levels-
Angela enters with a bottle of red wine three glasses and a
plate of cheeses and bread.
ANGELA:
Who’s ready for a break?
IRIS:
Oh, thanks anyhow, I should
probably-
Angela pours a glass of wine and offers it to Iris.
ANGELA:
Relax, you two have been huddled up
over this a few hours
LARRY:
Iris is the taskmaster – she’s
making me apply myself-
Iris looks at Larry.
IRIS:
That’s right. I guess. If you don’t
do this thing now someone else will
reverse engineer the same concept-
LARRY:
I was joking-
IRIS:
PHEW! We need to hit this hard-
ANGELA:
That’s why we need you-
LARRY:
Right, Iris, PLEASE make me work! I
am your slave-
Iris takes a glass.
ANGELA:
We are At Your Cervix-
IRIS:
(studying Angela)
I, ah, think you got a head-start
on Us
LARRY:
(guffawing)
We, we’d better catch up, Iris –
STAT!
Larry takes a huge chug, then reaches to refill.
ANGELA:
That’s exactly right – let’s get
this party started!
IRIS:
It’s a working party, in full
schwing… I wanted to talk about
BlackWatch-
LARRY:
HOH! Can’t distract Iris, Sweetie!
Yes, It’s working on you, eh?
IRIS:
Me, personally? No, that’s the
thing-
LARRY
(weak Scots brogue)
You don’t like BlackWatch? Elite Scottish Bobbies? It’s
BRAW! You Just need to steep in the
culture a bit More, Sweetie, grab
the Glenmorangie bottle, Wouldja?
Angela starts toward the mini-bar.
IRIS:
Wine will do fine, for me.
Angela stops and looks at Iris.
IRIS:
Really. (To Larry) That’s Just The
issue: we are marketing in America,
The USA, where no one in law
enforcement Cares about Scots cops.
Or ‘Bobbies’-
LARRY:
Not trew, Lassie, and NAWT just
‘Bobbies’! The BlackWatch is an
elite semi-militant force, well-trained And disciplined, entrusted
with the Security and safety of the
Scots from Hadrian’s Wall to Ben
Nevis and the Hebrides, from the
Boer War to Kandahar Afghanistan-
ANGELA:
I’ll grab their plaid-
IRIS:
No, I don’t need it, really, Larry.
Pause.
All the things you bring to
“BlackWatch” are based on your
unique experience. It just does not
resonate with all the Potential
markets and buyers outside your
little Scots clique-
LARRY:
(sulking)
It’s a clan-
IRIS:
Same thing. For most people, black
is dark, ominous and dangerous –
like the shooters BlackWatch is
trying to thwart-
LARRY:
You have to match the, the evil,
the menace, the terror of the
shooters with a corresponding
Force-
IRIS:
Okay-
LARRY:
Basic martial arts, really-
IRIS:
Most think black cat, black widow,
as in Satanic.
(MORE)
IRIS:
At least anti-Christian. And Worse,
BlackWatch sounds like a scrubbed-up white supremacist Group, that
spies on and maybe even lynches
Black People.
LARRY:
All right, that’s not it at all –
think – Here, run with me on this
one, think: The Black Panthers.
Again, force to meet an Evil force.
Pause.
LARRY:
You’re exquisite when you’re
thinking-
ANGELA:
HAH! Iris is always exquisite-
Iris sets down glass, gets up and starts to gather papers.
IRIS:
I think we can leave it there for
Tonight-
LARRY:
(reverting to Scots)
OH, please, I dinna mean to put
choff-
IRIS:
No, it’s cool, we’re getting tired
and sloshed-
ANGELA:
You shouldn’t drive – Why don’tcha
stay?
IRIS:
No, really, half a glass, is all I
had, I’m fine. I just need to
sleep-
ANGELA:
Come on, Iris, you know you can
sleep here-
LARRY:
For Auld Times’ Sake!
IRIS:
(chuckling)
It’s, uh, it’s not old times. But
those were Good times-
ANGELA:
(too loud and spirited)
Those were GREAT Times!
IRIS:
(shaking head)
Great times. Yeah, they were-
LARRY:
Yeah!
ANGELA:
They were-
IRIS:
(smiling slightly)
Yeah. I can’t sleep here. We’ll
talk tomorrow.
Pause. Iris starts towards the door, opens it to leave, then
turns back to look at deflated Larry and Angela.
IRIS:
The name is Shots Fired.
Pause.
IRIS:
‘Night Larry, ‘Night Angela.
Iris exits.
FADE OUT.
————————————————————–
ASSIGNMENT WORK
Logline: Larry and his wife Angela angle to reprise the Threesome they had with Iris when they were in undergrad; Iris challenges Larry’s name for the alarm system, and comes up with a name that works, and transcends.
Essence: Larry’s ulterior motive for working with Iris on the mass shooting alarm system project is revealed: Larry wants to have sex with Iris. Since they are both married, Larry’s tack is to re-ignite the threesome that he and his now-wife Angela had with Iris during their undergrad years, and since they are working in his house Larry sees this as the perfect opportunity. Iris proves her tenacity and ingenuity, both deftly rebuffing Larry’s and Angela’s overtures and concentrating on the alarm system project. By the end of the scene, Iris has successfully challenged Larry’s name for the system, and come up with the name that will work: Shots Fired.
Essence w/o On-the-nose.
More interesting setting
Intrigue
Challenging situation
Suspense
Uncertainty — hope/fear
Twist
Betrayal
Surprise
Reveal
– MG Options:
Move the scene to a Penthouse suite at Hotel Mondrian Los Angeles.
Larry rufies / dopes Iris so he can fuck her while she is unconscious.
Larry intimates that Rollie harbors a cuckold fantasy, thus secretly wants Iris to cheat on him with Larry.
Iris makes aggressive move on Angela, proposing sex between the two of
them that Larry cannot be a part of.
Larry intimates that he is going to bring on another marketing executive/ partner, and another cop consultant, as he is dissatisfied with Iris’ [and Rollie’s performance in promoting BlackWatch / Shots Fired system.
Larry threatens to shit-can the whole BlackWatch / Shots Fired project if Iris does not have sex with him.
Angela summonses Rollie to join them to make it a foursome.
Larry breaks out the bong / mescalin / peyote / LSD / ayahuasca / N2O to jack up the party.
RE-WRITE OF SCENE 3-13
INT. LARRY AND ANGELA’S PENTHOUSE SUITE AT HOTEL MONDRIAN LOS ANGELES. NIGHT.
Larry and Iris sitting or standing around the dining room
table in a luxury hotel suite, trays of food for a party, cocktail service set up at the bar. The room has become a War Room for Blackwatch system. Iris pounds away at the demographic maps, comparing them to criminal arrest patterns and records. Larry refers to the computer and to maps as well. At some point he stops, rubs his eyes, and stretches his arms rearward.
IRIS:
Rollie’s on board. He will be. He
just has to be convinced for
himself.
LARRY:
You, ah, have some influence, y’know. Just wife him into it-
Iris thinks a second, chuckles.
IRIS:
Not how he rolls-
LARRY:
Aw, Come on, I mean, look at you-
IRIS:
Don’t worry about that. We concentrate on market
opportunities across the City –
That will bring everyone on board-
Iris takes a canape’ from the nearby tray and bites into it. She swoons visibly.
Did you try these? They’re incredible-
LARRY:
They worked on the Orange County Under-Sheriffs, and the purchasing agents for Long Beach, Huntington Beach and Yorba Linda-
IRIS:
Is that who the honeymoon suite is for?
LARRY (shrugging):
This would not be intimate for a honeymoon… not the way I know you…
Iris rolls her eyes impatiently.
Penthouse suite. Of course. We gotta show them we’re substantial. Go ahead, eat some more. Have a drink, the bar’s stocked for bear. You don’t have to hit this plan quite that hard-
IRIS:
Larry, this is the job-
LARRY:
It’s going to sell itself. Trust me-
IRIS:
Not a trust thing, believe me. It
will not sell itself. If we don’t
target the likely customers this
launch will fall flat. Seriously.
LARRY:
I know. I mean, sure.
IRIS:
This is what I know, based on my
knowledge. And my experience. This
is what I do.
LARRY:
I just don’t want you to get …
over-stressed-
Larry comes around table toward Iris. Iris subconsciously
moves in the same direction, keeping a distance.
IRIS:
I can worry about my stress, um,
stress levels-
Angela enters with a bottle of red wine and another charcuterie board of cheeses and bread.
ANGELA:
Who’s ready for a break?
IRIS:
Oh, thanks anyhow, I should
probably-
Angela pours a glass of wine and offers it to Iris.
ANGELA:
Relax, you two have been huddled up
over this a few hours-
LARRY:
Iris is the taskmaster – she’s
making me apply myself-
Iris looks at Larry.
IRIS:
That’s right. I guess. If you don’t
do this thing now someone else will
reverse engineer the same concept-
LARRY:
I was joking-
IRIS (looking pointedly at Larry):
I am not. We need to hit this. Hard-
ANGELA:
That’s why we need you-
LARRY:
Right, Iris, PLEASE make me work! I
am your slave-
Iris takes a glass.
ANGELA (looking longingly at Iris):
We are At Your Serv-
IRIS:
(studying Angela)
I, ah, think you got a head-start
on Us-
LARRY:
(guffawing)
We, we’d better catch up, Iris –
STAT!
Larry takes a huge chug, then reaches to refill.
ANGELA:
That’s exactly right – let’s get
this party started!
IRIS:
It’s a working party, in full
throttle… I wanted to talk about
BlackWatch-
LARRY:
HOH! Can’t distract Iris, Sweetie!
Yes, It’s working on you, eh?
IRIS:
Me, personally? No, that’s the
thing-
LARRY (crossing room and opening cabinet, pulls out a plastic Ziploc of brown powder):
I’ve got something that I know will work on you…let me sweeten that cabernet of yours-
IRIS:
What – NO – what is that?
LARRY:
What – nothing. I was up in the Emerald Triangle last month. Picked up some party goods….
IRIS:
Party goods?
LARRY:
Sure! Remember Cal. State days? You hit the Peyote once or twice-
IRIS:
That was then. Last time I did that I lost my knees for two days. Still working here, no peyote tonight, not for me at least-
LARRY:
Come ON-
IRIS (considering):
I’ll be needing my knees. About BlackWatch-
LARRY:
(weak Scots brogue)
You don’t like BlackWatch? Elite Scottish Security Operatives? It’s BRAW! You Just need to steep in the culture a bit more. Sweetie, grab the Glenmorangie bottle, Wouldja?
Angela starts toward the bar.
IRIS:
Wine will do fine, for me. Just Cabernet, no party goods or Scots.
Angela stops and looks at Iris.
IRIS:
Really. (To Larry) That’s Just The
issue: we are marketing in America,
The USA, where no one in law
enforcement Cares about Scots cops.
‘Bobbies’ or whatever-
LARRY:
Not trew, Lassie, and NAWT just
‘Bobbies’! The BlackWatch is an
elite semi-militant force, well-trained And disciplined, entrusted
with the Security and safety of the
Scots from Hadrian’s Wall to Ben
Nevis and the Hebrides, from the
Boer War to Kandahar Afghanistan-
ANGELA:
I’ll grab their tartan-
IRIS:
No, I don’t need it, thanks Angela – really, Larry.
Pause.
All the things you bring to
“BlackWatch” are based on your
unique experience. It just does not
resonate with all the potential
markets and buyers outside your
little Scottish clique-
LARRY:
(sulking)
It’s a clan-
IRIS:
Same thing. For most people, black
is dark, ominous and dangerous –
like the shooters BlackWatch is
trying to thwart-
LARRY:
You have to match the, the evil,
the menace, the terror of the
shooters with a corresponding
Force-
IRIS:
Okay-
LARRY:
Basic martial arts, really-
IRIS:
Most think black cat, black widow,
as in Satanic.
(MORE)
IRIS:
At least anti-Christian. And Worse,
BlackWatch sounds like a scrubbed-up white supremacist Group. One that spies on and maybe even lynches
Black People.
LARRY:
All right, that’s not it at all –
think – Here, run with me on this
one, think: The Black Panthers.
Again, force to meet an Evil force.
Pause.
LARRY:
You’re exquisite when you’re
thinking-
ANGELA:
HAH! Iris is always exquisite-
Iris sets down glass, gets up and starts to gather papers.
IRIS:
I think we can leave it there for
Tonight-
LARRY:
(reverting to Scots)
OH, please, I dinna mean to put
choff-
IRIS:
No, it’s cool, we’re getting tired
and sloshed-
ANGELA:
You shouldn’t drive – Why don’tcha
stay? We’ve got the Penthouse ‘til noon tomorrow-
IRIS:
No, really, half a glass, is all I
had, I’m fine. I just need to
sleep-
ANGELA:
Come on, Iris, you know you can
sleep here-
LARRY:
For Auld Times’ Sake!
IRIS:
(chuckling)
It’s, uh, it’s not old times. But
those were Good times-
ANGELA:
(too loud and spirited)
Those were GREAT Times!
IRIS:
(shaking head)
Great times. Yeah, they were-
LARRY:
Yeah!
ANGELA:
They were-
IRIS:
(smiling slightly)
Yeah. I can’t sleep here. We’ll
talk tomorrow.
Pause. Iris starts towards the door, stops and turns. Iris walks straight to Angela, holding the Scots bottle, and puts a hand on the back of her neck and kisses her for several seconds. She backs up slightly on releasing the kiss, looking a stunned Angela right in the eyes. Iris turns and walks to the door, opens it, then turns back to look at flummoxed Larry and Angela.
IRIS:
The name is Shots Fired.
Pause.
IRIS:
‘Night Larry, ‘Night Angela.
Iris exits.
FADE OUT.
END OF RE-WRITE SCENE 3-13
———————————————————–
-
Carolyn’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is… Interest techniques can be applied to any scene and make them pop all the more. This was fun, it definitely helped a scene that was pure exposition.
Logline: Jess googles the deceased MaraBella Kobe and finds out she had a brother.
Essence: Jess unwittingly reveals her investigation to the enemy.
Put in a more interesting setting
The original setting was in Jess’s bedroom. I changed it to the interior of a taxi whose driver is driving recklessly at high speeds.
Superior position/Dramatic irony
We know that the taxi driver is working for Smooth Carver. We’ve seen him before doing horrible things for Smooth. Jess knows nothing.
Suspense
We know Piker is a bad guy, is he going to kidnap her? Kill her? He is driving extremely recklessly, is he going to have an accident? Will he reveal himself to her?
EXT. SUPERMARKET – NIGHT
Jess hails a taxi and immediately one appears. She gets in.
INT. TAXI – NIGHT
Wearing a cap to cover his bald head, the driver looks away as Jess gets in the cab. It’s Piker.
JESS
52 Carmine Street, please.
Piker hits the gas hard, the tires SQUEALING into traffic.
JESS
Slow down, will ya?
Piker nods his head and tightens his grip.
Jess takes out her phone and googles “MaraBella Kobe.”
The top hit reads, “Head Found on Shores of Fredrick Lake.”
Jess scrolls… “Survived by a brother, Dale Kobe…
Jess types in Dale Kobe. She gets a Facebook hit. His profile picture shows a young man standing in front of a gas station with the sign, Garage and Pump.
Jess looks up.
JESS
Hey, are you from around here?
Piker nods yes.
JESS
Do you remember about a year ago a woman’s head was found by a lake?
Piker nods yes.
JESS
(excitedly)
Really? Did they ever find out what happened to the rest of her?
Piker doesn’t answer. He takes a right turn hard, slamming Jess against the door.
JESS
Take it easy!
Piker makes a hard left this time into oncoming traffic. A car BLARING its horn, barely misses them.
JESS
Hey, cut it out!
PIKER
(in a thick accent)
So sorry! Slow!
He slows down and Jess settles back.
JESS
You don’t speak English, do you?
Piker slams on the brakes.
PIKER
Here!
JESS
Thank God. (she glances at his ID card hanging on the dash) Vladimir Putin.
Jess glances at him, like you’ve got to be kidding. She passes a bill.
JESS
Keep the change, Vlad.
EXT. TAXI – NIGHT
Jess exits and slams the door. She walks toward the apartment complex looking at her phone.
INT. TAXI – NIGHT
Idling, Piker makes a phone call.
PIKER
(into phone)
Let me finish the job.
Piker listens to the response and grimaces.
PIKER (CONT.)
(disappointed)
Yes, Boss.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT
Jess googles Garage and Pump and dials the number as she walks into the apartment complex. Behind her the taxi’s tire’s SQUEAL away. Jess rolls her eyes.
MAN’S VOICE ON PHONE
Garage and Pump. How can I help?
JESS
Is this Dale Kobe?
MAN’S VOICE
Yes, ma’am.
-
SANDRA HILDRETH MAX INTEREST PART 1
WHAT i’VE LEARNED THAT IS IMPROVING MY WRITING IS TO NOT RUSH THE SCENES, GIVE MAXIMUM DEPTH TO THE CHARACTER AND MAXIMIZE THE ESSENCE OF EACH SCENE.
BEFORE LOGLINE:THE THREE AMERICANS GET CAPTURED
EXT. THE JUNGLE WHERE THE THREE MEN SLEEP – DAWN
Harry, Ashton, and Quincy are asleep on the jungle floor. Suddenly, Juan emerges from the trees.
JUAN
Hola!
The three men wake up and hurriedly get to their feet.
HARRY
Juan! We thought you and the Captain were dead!
JUAN
No, señor. I am very much alive, as you can see.
ASHTON
And the Captain?
JUAN
He is very much dead.
QUINCY
How did you find us?
Juan smiles wickedly.
Jaime, Marcos, and Mikel, all carrying weapons, walk into the small clearing.
JAIME
It is we who found you, señor.
HARRY
What do you want?
JAIME
(laughing)
Dinero, of course! What else would you have that they would want?
QUINCY
(pulls out his wallet, opens it, and shows there is no cash inside)
I have no money.
JAIME
No, señor. I would not expect you would have $500,000 on your person.
HARRY
(Sputtering)
Half a million? Are you joking?
JAIME
Ah, señor. I do not joke. Half a million – for each of you.
HARRY
They aren’t worth half a million each. What about $100,000?
JAIME
Very funny, señor, but I do not laugh.
Jamie gestures toward Juan.
JAIME
Follow him and be assured, I will shoot if you try to escape.
Harry lifts his hands showing he will do as he’s told. Ashton and Quincy, both unblinking say nothing.
Juan kicks the yellow bag to the side and walks into the jungle followed by the three Americans. Jaime, Marcos and Mikel, at the rear, keep their weapons trained at the Americans.
AFTER lOGLINE: tHREE aMERICANS THINK THEY FIND A WAY TO ESCAPE BEING CAPTURED.
EXT. THE SHORELINE WHERE THE AMERICANS LANDED ON THE ISLAND – DAY
Scratched and bloodied from the trip through the underbrush, the tired and sweaty Americans reach the end of the tree line. Harry bursts through the trees first.
HARRY
Look! Freedom!
Harry puts it in high gear and runs toward the boat, Ashton and Quincy at his heals.
They reach the water and high-step it, then lunge forward and swim the rest of the way, even though the water is still fairly shallow. Quincy quickly taking the lead.
Quincy reaches the back of the boat and scrambles up the ladder. He turns around, shouts and waves his hand toward him, urging Ashton and Harry on.
QUINCY
Hurry!
(Waving his hand more vigorously)
We have to get out of here.
Ashton and Harry reach the ladder. Quincy helps them scramble on board.
Quincy hurries to the wheel. The key is in the ignition!
Harry picks up one of the AK-47s, hands it to Ashton and picks up one for himself.
Quincy turns the key. Nothing. He turns the key again and again. Nothing. He hurries to the back of the boat, takes the hull off the motor and lays it on the deck. He inspects the motor carefully.
QUINCY
We’re fucked. There’s no spark plug.
Ashton turns the gun over, lifts it up and down as if weighing it. He pulls out the magazine. Empty! He angrily tosses the weapon in the ocean.
Harry drops down to a bench, defeated.
Jaime, Marcos, and Mikel walk out of the trees and onto the beach.
Jaime holds a spark plug up in the air.
JAIME
You search for this, mis amigos? Wait there. I bring it to you.
Ashton and Quincy on deck, stare at the three men, expressionless.
The three pirates wade toward the boat, weapons held over their heads. Harry stands up and walks to the side of the boat next to Ashton and Quincy.
Mikel brings his weapon to his chest and aims it toward the Americans.
Jaime and Marcos board the boat.
HARRY
What do you want?
JAIME
(laughing)
Dinero, of course! What else would you have that we would want?
QUINCY
(pulls out his wallet, opens it, and shows there is no cash inside)
I have no money.
JAIME
No, señor. I would not expect you would have $500,000 on your person.
HARRY
Half a million? Are you joking?
JAIME
Ah, señor. I do not joke. Half a million – for each of you.
Mikel boards the boat and sits at the Captain’s wheel.
HARRY
They aren’t worth half a million each. What about $100,000?
JAIME
Very funny, but I do not laugh. Be assured, I will shoot if you try anything funny.
Ashton and Quincy, both unblinking say nothing. Harry lifts his hands and plops back down on the bench, clutching his chest. Ashton leans down and tries to help Harry. Harry waves him off.
HARRY
I’m OK. Really
JAIME
Marcos. Help the old man to the back seat and stay with him.
Marcos pulls Harry up, puts his arms around Harry’s waist and helps him to the broad seat along the side of the boat.
Jaime takes the wheel, turns on the ignition and speeds away.
-
Tom’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is there are clever ways to manifest what a character thinks.
Scene Logline: Warren wants Stu to show him how he launches. Also, Warren suspects Stu hides his sister whom he wants to kill.
Scene Essence: Stu refuses to show Warren what he wants to know.
Scene Rewritten with interest techniques:
EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT
Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”
The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out, enter the building.
Stu reveals a crew capsule.
Warren hands Stu coordinates.
STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.
WARREN
Daytime. The world has to see it.He ignores the drink.
STU
But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.He puts the drink back down.
Warren smirks.
STU
You really hate her that much.WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.He strides to the door.
Stu doesn’t move.
STU
Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.WARREN
To impress Kate.STU
Potus got the hots for your Ex.Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.
Stu retreats to the crew capsule.
STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.WARREN
No choice. We have zero competition.Outside Warren goes to the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.
He slow walks it for a pee.
EVELYN (Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill) glares down from an upper window at him.
She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.
He returns the critter to the Humvee. Glances up at the building.
She ducks.
Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.
Warren drives away.
Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.
Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.
Examines rocket engines. Puts one on a lift that raises it to ground level.
Outside, he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.
It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed. #
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tom Wilson.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
-
EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT
Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”
The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out, enter the building.
Stu reveals a crew capsule.
Warren hands Stu coordinates.
STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.
WARREN
Daytime. The world has to see it.He ignores the drink.
STU
But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.He puts the drink back down.
Warren smirks.
STU
You really hate her that much.WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.He strides to the door.
Stu doesn’t move.
STU
Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.WARREN
To impress Kate.STU
Potus got the hots for your Ex.Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.
Stu retreats to the crew capsule.
STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.WARREN
No choice. We have zero competition.Outside Warren goes to the Humvee. Removes a crippled dog.
Slow walks it for a pee.
EVELYN (Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill) glares down from an upper floor window at him.
She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.
Warren returns the dog to the Humvee. Looks up at the building.
Evelyn ducks.
Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.
Warren drives away.
Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.
Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.
Puts a rocket engine on a lift which raises it to ground level.
Outside, he climbs in an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.
It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed.-
This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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Tom’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned: In this class, I’m learning clever ways to show – not tell – what my characters are really about.
Scene Logline: Warren wants Stu to show him how he launches. Also, Warren suspects Stu hides his sister whom he wants to kill.
Scene Essence: Stu refuses to show Warren what he wants to know.
Scene Rewritten with interest techniques:
EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT
Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”
The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out. Enter the building.
Stu reveals a crew capsule.
Warren hands Stu coordinates.
STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.
Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.
WARREN
Daytime. The world has to see it.
He ignores the drink.
STU
But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.
He puts his drink back down.
Warren smirks.
STU
You really hate her that much.
WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.
He strides to the door.
Stu doesn’t move.
STU
Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.
WARREN
To impress Kate.STU
Potus got the hots for your Ex.
Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.
Stu retreats to the crew capsule.
STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.WARREN
No choice. We have zero competition.
Outside Warren goes to the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.
He slow walks it for a pee.
EVELYN glares down at him from an upper floor window.
(She’s Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill. He doesn’t know Stu is hiding her from him.)
She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.
He returns the critter to the Humvee. Glances up at the building.
She ducks.
Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.
Warren drives away.
Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.
Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.
Examines rocket engines. Puts one on a lift that raises it to ground level.
Outside, he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.
It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed. #
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_EXT. HILLTOP OVERLOOKING NEW HOPE – MORNING_
_A scattering of Concorde workers, eerily silent, gathered on the hilltop. Ray hurries toward them, coffee spilling on the way. At the top he spies Nturu, and blends into the group, out of the line of the man’s line of vision. Alternately stamps his feet to keep warm. _
_Everyone else stands stock still in the early morning chill, breath frosting before them. A few near him glance at his movements, then at each other, and begin to stamp, too. _
_Deshay steps forward from the executive group near a festive wooden booth with a Welcome Town Council banner._
_DESHAY_
_Good morning. In a moment you will witness the first of our three-jeweled crown, the weather stabilizer. _
_He nods toward a worker holding a tohn. Ray takes a reflexive step back, in case something disintegrates or explodes. _
_The worker points the tohn right at the booth. For a moment, nothing. Then from behind the booth a massive metal blimp-like structure rises, light and graceful. Dwarfing the booth, it arcs toward them, settling directly overhead, several thousand feet in the sky. _
_It glows to life in orange splendor amid cheers. Deshay nods again, and the palm device activates a shimmering shield around the object to more applause. _
_WORKER_
_Amazing! Like it isn’t even there!_
_Isn’t there? Ray glances around. All smile and exclaim about an invisible marvel. What the Hell? It’s right up there plain as day. _
_WORKER 2_
_The clouds behind it – not even the smallest waver. _
_Behind the object passes a biplane hired for the occasion. The banner reads, “For Clear Vision Use Concorde Optical Supplies.” The workers laugh and cheer._
_Ray feels someone watching, neck hair prickling. He turns. Nturu._
_Deshay steps forward and raises his arms for silence._
_DESHAY_
_The town council is arriving to take a look at our biplane’s advertising._
_The Council caravan drives up. Concorde workers open car doors and escort the Council to the executive stand. _
_Ray watches as the plane passes by several times directly behind the huge orange-glowing weather stabilizer. He can’t believe it; to a person the Council members are oblivious to anything but the plane and its banner. _
_Deshay catches Ray’s popping eyes. A thrill of fear runs up Ray’s spine. Deshay knows – only Ray can see the blimp. _
Deshay calls for quiet again. Looks right at Ray who has nowhere to hide. Their uneasy alliance is about to crack.
_DESAHY_
(_for all to hear_)
_What do you make of this Mr. Sheelds?_
_Ray. Blow this Concorde cover wide open, or go along for now? Pointing skyward. _
_RAY_
_A marvel to behold._
_Deshay glares. Reaches into a pocket. Rests the hand on an object there. _
_RAY_
_The town’s future is looking up. _
_Deshay relaxes. Removes the hand from the pocket. Smiles. Nods a You dodged a bullet, mister, at Ray._
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(Forgot the rest of the assignment in the previous post)
Joe McGloin Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to get a little wild at first to shake up the mind, and don’t edit as I go; just let the creative stuff pour out first, then tweak it.
Select the
scene from your script that needs help and give us a logline for that
scene.Logline: Council members seem mesmerized, unable to see the giant device floating in the air before them; only the workers Ray observes it.
Tell us the essence of the scene.
Essence: It’s a huge revelation that the council cannot see the weather device
Tell us at
least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.Suspense, Uncertainty, Intrigue, Betrayal, Surprise
Rewrite the scene using as many
interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in
your post.EXT. HILLTOP OVERLOOKING NEW HOPE – MORNING_
5. _A scattering of Concorde workers, eerily silent, gathered on the hilltop. Ray hurries toward them, coffee spilling on the way. At the top he spies Nturu, and blends into the group, out of the line of the man’s line of vision. Alternately stamps his feet to keep warm. _
6.
7. _Everyone else stands stock still in the early morning chill, breath frosting before them. A few near him glance at his movements, then at each other, and begin to stamp, too. _
8.
9. _Deshay steps forward from the executive group near a festive wooden booth with a Welcome Town Council banner._
10.
11. _DESHAY_
12. _Good morning. In a moment you will witness the first of our three-jeweled crown, the weather stabilizer. _
13.
14. _He nods toward a worker holding a tohn. Ray takes a reflexive step back, in case something disintegrates or explodes. _
15.
16. _The worker points the tohn right at the booth. For a moment, nothing. Then from behind the booth a massive metal blimp-like structure rises, light and graceful. Dwarfing the booth, it arcs toward them, settling directly overhead, several thousand feet in the sky. _
17.
18. _It glows to life in orange splendor amid cheers. Deshay nods again, and the palm device activates a shimmering shield around the object to more applause. _
19.
20. _WORKER_
21. _Amazing! Like it isn’t even there!_
22.
23. _Isn’t there? Ray glances around. All smile and exclaim about an invisible marvel. What the Hell? It’s right up there plain as day. _
24.
25. _WORKER 2_
26. _The clouds behind it – not even the smallest waver. _
27.
28. _Behind the object passes a biplane hired for the occasion. The banner reads, “For Clear Vision Use Concorde Optical Supplies.” The workers laugh and cheer._
29.
30. _Ray feels someone watching, neck hair prickling. He turns. Nturu._
31.
32. _Deshay steps forward and raises his arms for silence._
33.
34. _DESHAY_
35. _The town council is arriving to take a look at our biplane’s advertising._
36.
37. _The Council caravan drives up. Concorde workers open car doors and escort the Council to the executive stand. _
38.
39. _Ray watches as the plane passes by several times directly behind the huge orange-glowing weather stabilizer. He can’t believe it; to a person the Council members are oblivious to anything but the plane and its banner. _
40.
41. _Deshay catches Ray’s popping eyes. A thrill of fear runs up Ray’s spine. Deshay knows – only Ray can see the blimp. _
42.
43. Deshay calls for quiet again. Looks right at Ray who has nowhere to hide. Their uneasy alliance is about to crack.
44.
45.
46. _DESAHY_
47. (_for all to hear_)
48. _What do you make of this Mr. Sheelds?_
49.
50. _Ray. Blow this Concorde cover wide open, or go along for now? Pointing skyward. _
51.
52. _RAY_
53. _A marvel to behold._
54.
55. _Deshay glares. Reaches into a pocket. Rests the hand on an object there. _
56.
57. _RAY_
58. _The town’s future is looking up. _
59. _Deshay relaxes. Removes the hand from the pocket. Smiles. Nods a You dodged a bullet, mister, at Ray._
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