Day 4 Assignments

[Ira Drower]

Assignment 4 – More Comedy Situations

Ira Drower’s comedic situation – comedic tragedy, forced union of incompatibles, and embarrassment.

What I learned from this lesson was three more techniques for adding comedic situations to a screenplay. I added all three to the following scene from this ongoing script. Let’s call it ‘The Fashionista and the Cabbie.’

In this scene, Helen Blazemore convinces Frank Luzinski to be a fashion model for an hour for her investor.

INT. MEETING ROOM INTERCONTINENTAL – DAY

Helen Blazemore walks toward Mr. Borrows, fifty, sharp[1]dressed, Rolex watch in full display and shakes his hand.

Three young men in their twenties, slim, hair perfect, black

Alan David custom suits stand close by.

HELEN

Mr. Borrows, so nice to finally

meet up with you. I think you will

be impressed by what you see here

today from Blazemore Fashions.

Helen glances at the three suits and looks back to Mr.

Borrows

MR. BORROWS

Let’s see what you have that can

turn my investment into something

worthwhile.

HELEN

I can assure you this will be

revolutionary as well as

profitable. Allow me to introduce

to you our subject, the common man.

Jennifer, would you bring in Mr.

Luzinski?

4.

Jennifer, young twenties, dressed in a black pantsuit escorts

Frank into the room spraying Lysol in front of him.

HELEN (CONT’D)

Mr. Borrows may I present to you

Mr. Frank Luzinski. This is how he

looks on a daily basis.

MR. BORROWS

Did you find him at a homeless

shelter? Appreciate spraying the

Lysol by the way.

Frank extends his hand to Mr. Burrows who cringes at Frank’s

dirty nails.

FRANK

Hello, Frank Luzinski. How goes it?

MR. BORROWS

Is this some kind of joke? I was

expecting to see your new line.

HELEN

Let me explain, this is the before

model. The man on the street as it

were. Unkempt, no style, no flair,

no deodorant. In short, a hot mess.

MR. BORROWS

Again, thanks for the Lysol.

HELEN

In ten minutes he will become what

every man aspires to be. Once he

dons the NewMan line of clothing he

will exude class and confidence.

FRANK

Hey, I have style and hair.

Helen motions to her assistant Jennifer to take Frank to the

dressing room set up in the back of the conference room.

HELEN

Why don’t you and your associates

have some champagne and caviar

while my staff transforms him into

a NewMan fashion man.

5.

INT. BACKROOM – DAY

Jennifer pulls a reluctant Frank to the back. Mick, a short,

balding fifty-year-old with a pencil thin mustache and a

tailor’s tape hanging from his neck greets him.

MICK

How much time do we have?

JENNIFER

About ten minutes or until the

champagne runs out.

MICK

Eight minutes. OK. I need both of

you to do as I say.

FRANK

Who are you? Can I get my parking

voucher now?

MICK

No time for introductions. I’m

Mick. Take off all your clothes.

Mick tugs at Frank’s pants as Jennifer pushes him into a

chair. Jennifer grabs an electric razor and begins shaving

off Frank’s stubble.

MICK (CONT’D)

Leave a smooth facial growth but

not too much, and see what you can

do about his hair.

Frank tries to move from the chair, but Mick quickly removes

his shoes and socks and tosses them in the trash can nearby.

FRANK

What the hell…

Mick quickly measures his feet.

MICK

11 and a half. We have 11. That

will do. Take off your pants.

FRANK

There’s a lady present.

MICK

You mean Jennifer? Not to worry she

is a pro. She worked fashion shows

for Ru Paul.

6.

Mick quickly removes Frank’s sweater and T shirt in between

Jennifer trimming and yanks off Frank’s pants.

FRANK

I wasn’t told I had to lose my

clothes.

MICK

You call these clothes? Goodwill

has better.

FRANK

That’s where I bought them.

Jennifer rolls her eyes as Mick throws a pair of bikini

briefs at Frank.

MICK

Take off your shorts and put these

on.

FRANK

She has to turn around.

MICK

How will she cut your hair if she

can’t see? Hurry, we only have six

more minutes.

JENNIFER

Trust me your hair is a mess, I

need to concentrate up here, not

down there.

Frank quickly removes his underwear while Mick holds the

trash can and points to it.

FRANK

Ouch. Up here, up here.

JENNIFER

Sorry, but your hair is too thick.

MICK

Honestly, I have my doubts. His

hair is too thick down here too.

Jennifer applies some gel to Frank’s hair with one hand,

after shave to his face with the other. Mick slips a pair of

gold socks onto Frank’s feet.

JENNIFER

Hope I didn’t mix those up.

7.

MICK

No one will notice. Stand up. I

need to measure your inseam.

FRANK

My what? Whoo…

Mick takes three measurements and shakes his head.

MICK

We only have a 32 waist, and you are

a 34. Suck it in. Jennifer, give me

a hand.

Jennifer and Mick pull a pair of slacks onto Frank as he

grimaces when they get stuck at his thighs.

MICK (CONT’D)

Suck in your thighs?

FRANK

How the hell am I supposed to do

that?

MICK

Helen told me I would get a real man

with a model’s physique not a body

by Frito-Lay.

FRANK

These don’t fit.

MICK

Jen, give me a hand with the

pullover shirt. He won’t be able to

tuck it in but the jacket should

mask that.

Jennifer throws a bamboo-colored shirt over Frank’s head as

Mick continues to struggle with the pants.

MICK (CONT’D)

We’re almost out of time. Only one

thing to do.

JENNIFER

Cut him, Mick.

Frank tries to run but falls over as Mick approaches him with

a pair of large scissors.

FRANK

Nobody’s cutting me!

8.

MICK

Will you stop being a baby?

Honestly, how am I supposed to do

my job with you fighting me every

step of the way?

Jennifer holds Frank down as Mick begins to snip at his

trousers.

FRANK

Careful with those.

MICK

I am a professional. I have been a

tailor for forty years. I deserve

your respect not your attitude.

FRANK

Watch out, you are mighty close

to…

Mick finishes cutting and he and Jennifer stand Frank up.

Mick slides the pants up and with one slap to Frank’s gut he

manages to button them.

MICK

Now hold your belly in until I

tighten this belt.

FRANK

I can’t breathe.

MICK

Perfect, just a second more. OK.

Now for the zipper. Suck in your…

Mick begins to zip as Frank’s eye go wide. He places a shoe

horn against Frank’s crotch and zips the pants all the way.

JENNIFER

You are a genius Mick. Here is the

jacket.

Mick takes Frank’s right arm and thrusts the jacket sleeve

onto it. Spinning Frank around, he yanks the other sleeve over

his left arm.

MICK

I told you to suck it in. Once more

while I button this. There.

Frank is beat red and is sliding on the tile floor.

9.

JENNIFER

His shoes.

Jennifer places each shoe beneath Frank’s feet as Mick shoe

horns them on his feet.

FRANK

They’re too tight. I know I know.

Suck in my feet.

MICK

Now you’re getting it. It’s about

time you’re working with me.

Jennifer does a quick comb of his hair.

FRANK

Should I suck in my hair, too.

MICK

Just the crotch area would be nice.

I think he’s ready.

JENNIFER

Oh, wait. One more thing. Open your

mouth.

Frank opens his mouth as Jennifer sprays into it from a

bottle.

FRANK

What the hell was that?

JENNIFER

Fabreze surf scent. It’s all we

have.

Frank gags and tries to wipe the taste from his mouth.

MICK

Not with your new clothes. Here use

one of your old socks.

Jennifer and Mick slide Frank toward the door.

FRANK

I can’t feel my feet.

MICK

Do you think it’s easy preparing

you for a show in less than ten

minutes? Well, let me tell you it

isn’t. You are no day at the beach.

But thanks to us you look like a

day at the beach. You even smell

like one.

FRANK

I still can’t breathe.

JENNIFER

Show time!

[Bradford Hicks]

More of Brad’s funny situations

What I learned doing this assignment is that having better awareness of the type of comedic situation you’re creating will help you develop a strong scene.

(Forced Union of Incompatibles):

INT. HOLDING ROOM – DAY

Archer’s swollen face-

SMACK

-takes another right backhand from McGee. The benched astronauts look pretty roughed up. McGee is getting tired, and tired of repeating himself.

MCGEE

Name, rank, and serial number.

ARCHER

I told you, Ed Archer, Astronaut, 90210-22.

McGee shakes his sore hand. Is he gonna have to hit ‘em again? He slumps in a chair. His interrogation technique clearly isn’t working. He’s outta gas.

MCGEE

If you’re really astronauts… What’s Newton’s Third Law?

Archer and Hill look at each other. They know this.

Hill

To every action there’s equal and opposite reaction.

MCGEE

Bernoulli’s principle.

ARCHER

Pressure in moving fluid decreases when speed of the fluid increases.

MCGEE

Kepler’s law.

HILL

The squares of the planet orbits are proportional to uh —

ARCHER

— To the cubes of their mean distance from the sun.

McGee leans back in his chair. He’ll be darned.

MCGEE

You guys really ARE astronauts.

ARCHER

And we’re about to miss —

McGee is thrilled and reaches out his battered paw to shake hands.

MCGEE

— Doc McGee. Pleasure.

[A. Ward]

More of Anthony Ward’s funny situations

What I learned doing this assignment is that you can stack the elements of a funny situation to make the scene more funnier.

INT.MRS.WALKERS CLASSROOM-MORNING

Mr.s Walker gets up from her desk and stands in front of the white board. The words “Career Day” are written in different color markers.

MRS. WALKER

Thank you again Mrs. Peterson. Class lets show Mrs. Peterson our appreciation.

The fourth grade class begins to applaud. Sally raises her hand.

MRS. WALKER

Yes Sally?

SALLY

Can my dad go next? He’s a butcher.

MRS. WALKER

Absolutely. Mr. Davis are you ready to go?

JOHN TUCKER

Actually it’s Mr. Tucker. Sally’s mom and I were never married. We just had a wild night after an Insane clown posse concert.

MRS. WALKER

My apologies. Alright Mr. Tucker.

JOHN TUCKER

Okay, so my name is John Tucker. I am a butcher. I cut up meat.

A boy in the front raises his hand.

JIM

What kinda meat do you cut?

JOHN TUCKER

Didn’t know I was gonna get asked questions. You didn’t say anything about that Sally.

MRS. WALKER

Class if you can let Mr. Tucker finish his presentation and save your questions for the end.

John gives Mrs. Walker the thumbs up.

JOHN TUCKER

Oh no, that’s the end. I’m a butcher and I cut meat.

MRS. WALKER

Certainly there is more you can tell the students about your work.

JOHN TUCKER

In a nutshell that’s what I do. Stay in school, don’t do drugs and always pay your gambling debts. Always.

Mrs. Walker starts to call on kids who have their hands raised for questions.

Sally slides down in her chair a bit.

PAUL

Where do you get the meat from that you butcher?

JOHN TUCKER

It comes in from uhhh what you call it. A uhhh. Next question.

STEVE

Is the meat really bloody when you cut it up?

JOHN TUCKER

Oh it’s a mess. You always wanna wear something you don’t mind burning afterwards. And you’re gonna wanna put down some plastic.

REBECCA

I have more of a statement, my uncle is a butcher at his own shop and it’s nothing like what you are telling us.

John tucker looks over at his little girl sally and mouths the words “I’m sorry sweetheart.”

JOHN TUCKER

Okay okay. I’ll come clean. I’m not a butcher, that’s just what it says on my business cards. I’m a contract killer.

Sally puts her head down on her desk.

MRS. WALKER

Mister Tucker please!

JOHN TUCKER

No Mrs. Walker it’s true. I can’t live this lie any longer. My daughter thought for years I was something that I was not.

BRENT

I think that’s cool Mr. Tucker.

JOHN TUCKER

Thanks Brent.

BRENT

Cool! You know my name?

JOHN TUCKER

Yeah ummm. Sorry about your dad. So on that note, Sally daddy’s gotta leave town again.I’ll send you something nice for Christmas.

BRENT

You killed my dad? I thought it was heart failure.

[Amanda Avalon]

Title: More of Amanda’s Funny situations

What I learned from this assignment is there are many options to create funny situations.

EXT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

Allison (mid-40s) rushes to the coffee shop. She opens the door –

INT. COFFEE SHOP

— and storms in the typical Starbucks-style coffee shop. She looks around and notices her husband, COREY (late-40s) waiting for her across the coffee shop. She strides towards him.

COREY

You’re late! Again. How hard can it be —

ALLISON

— I know, I know.

Allison opens her coat and glances around.

ALLISON

I’ll find us a table. You get the coffee. I’ll have a cappuccino. Oat milk, no sugar.

Corey sighs deeply and gets in line. Allison notices an empty table and rushes to it and gets herself comfortable. She takes her phone out and starts to entertain herself with it. Corey looks at her and shakes his head.

A FEW MOMENTS LATER.

Corey carries a cup in both his hands and walks over very carefully. He places the cups on the table, and they spill over a little. He mumbles to himself, irritated and sits down. Allison doesn’t show she notices. She puts her phone down and concentrates on her coffee.

Corey takes his coat off and takes a huge stack of tissue out of his pocket that he got from the counter and starts to clean his cup and the table.

COREY

You need a tissue?

ALLISON

No, I’m good.

Corey gets increasingly irritated and takes Allison cup and cleans it and the table.

ALLISON

I said I’m good.

COREY

It’s gonna drip. You’ll get stains.

Allison looks at Corey with a slight irritation. Then she decides to blurt out —

ALLISON

I think I wanna have a dog. One of those… you know… those Labradors.

Corey looks at Allison like she’s gone mad and puts her cup down. Allison sits back and takes her coffee with a smirk on her face.

COREY

No way! They drool. What a mess. And the hair! Yaiks!

ALLISON

But they’re cute! Just think about it! A cute little puppy snuggling with you on a Sunday morning —

COREY

You’d take that thing to our bed? He’d pee and poop all over. I don’t even want to start with the hair.

ALLISON

Of course, I would! We’d get to have doggie playdates and all!

Corey can’t believe what he’s hearing!

ALLISON

And you looove to clean… Just think about it! You’d get to collect all that poop! How perfect would that be! And when he’s all grown up, maybe you’d get to have two bags for all that poop!

COREY

(shaking his head)

You’re mad. Oh my god. No way.

ALLISON

I know. I don’t like big dogs. Just a little one. Sounds better now, doesn’t it?

[Denice Lewis]

Denice’s Funny Situations

What I learned doing this assignment is how these comedic techniques can overlap and make it so much easier to think funny. I so look forward to using these on my scripts.

1985 Old West

Will, young outlaw

Elsie, old spinster

INT. JAIL – DAY

Will lies on a cot in the only jail cell. Hides his head under a pillow.

Jovial VOICES outside mingle with the hammering of wood.

The Sheriff looks up from his desk. Raises his voice.

SHERIFF

Tell me where you hid the gold.

WILL

(muffled)

Can’t when I didn’t steal it.

Elsie moseys into the office. Carries two covered baskets.

ELSIE

Howdy, Sheriff.

Will jumps up.

WILL (CONT’D)

Please get me out. Tell them you stole the gold.

SHERIFF

Now don’t go besmirching the name of this good woman.

Will throws himself on the bed.

SHERIFF

Got it done yet?

ELSIE

Now don’t you hurry me, Sheriff. Be ready soon enough.

He shoves his chair back. Rises.

SHERIFF

Gotta check your baskets.

He peeks in the largest one. Nods. Uncovers the contents of the second basket. Savors the smell of roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, and apple pie.

SHERIFF

You are one lucky son-of-a-bitch. Elsie makes the best pot roast in town.

ELSIE

Don’t want him eating it cold, Sheriff. Lock me in, so’as I can keep him company in his last moments.

SHERIFF

An angel of mercy. That’s what you are.

Sheriff unlocks Will’s cell. Locks Elsie inside.

SHERIFF

Back after lunch. Stay put.

He laughs on his way out.

Elsie sits beside Will. Spreads a cloth, plate of food, pie, fork before him.

He grabs the fork. Waves it in her face.

WILL

I can’t die.

ELSIE

Nobody avoids that.

WILL

Today. I can’t die today.

ELSIE

Forks have lots of uses.

He hurries to the bars. Wiggles the tines in the lock. Fails.

ELSIE

Eat up. You need your strength.

He deflates. Starts to put his fork in the food.

She yanks it from his hand. Wipes it off. Hands it back.

Will tastes his food. Gobbles it down.

WILL

Hope you’re happy. Killing an innocent man.

How’d you steal the gold?

ELSIE

No concern of yours.

WILL

I’m dying for something you did.

She opens the large basket. Pulls out a rope, a mostly finished noose.

Will gags. Turns white. Slumps against the wall in a faint.

She slips the noose around his neck. Measures the length.

He wakes up. Tosses the noose in horror. Stumbles away.

ELSIE

You’re lucky the old noose broke.

WILL

You’re sick.

ELSIE

This has to fit just right.

Will stomps toward her.

WILL

You’re crazy.

She peers up at him, blue eyes gleaming large through her glasses.

ELSIE

Sit down and hold still.

He collapses on the cot.

She measures the noose on his neck. Tightens it.

His eyes bulge.

She loosens it. Ties a special knot inside. Secures the noose to the hanging rope.

Elsie puts her foot on the cot.

Will closes his eyes.

WILL

Better you do it, I guess.

She yanks on the hanging rope.

The rope holds, but doesn’t tighten around Will’s neck.

Elsie smiles.

[Janeen Johnson]

More of Janeen’s Funny Situations

What I learned doing this situation is that it was fun to highlight the style, context, and personalities my characters bring to the scene.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

NICK returns to RUDY and HOLLY in the very feminine apartment where he left them.

Holly is heating water for tea and readying cups. Rudy is on the couch watching TV and snacking on candy from a box on the coffee table.

NICK
What are you doing? We’re hiding

here, not leaving a trail of evidence that we’ve been here.

Rudy and Holly give each other a startled look.

HOLLY This isn’t your place?

NICK (exasperated)

Of course not! I dog sit for this woman.

Holly raises her eyebrows and Rudy mouths “no dog”.

Nick crosses to Rudy, lifts him off the couch by slipping one hand under his upper arm and stuffs the bag of clothes into his arms.

NICK (CONT’D)
You two, into the bedroom. Change into these. Put your clothes and all of your electronics into the bag. Glasses and hearing aids too.

HOLLY
But I won’t be able to see without

my glasses.

RUDY
I need my hearing aids.

Nick rushes them to the bedroom a little more.

NICK
Everything. I’m going to check that bag when you’re done and everything you’re wearing now had better be in it.

Nick closes the door on the couple, let’s GRIZZLY out to run around the apartment, and quickly puts away the tea preparations and replaces the magazines on the coffee table, taking a chocolate as he puts the lid back on the box.

Grizzly whimpers.

NICK (CONT’D)
No chocolate for dogs, you know that.

INT. APARTMENT – LATER

NICK
Hurry it up, you two. Tick tock.

HOLLY emerges from the bedroom, tucking clothing into the bag.

NICK (CONT’D) I’ll take that.

HOLLY
These clothes are awful. They don’t fit right and I don’t ever wear this color.

NICK (exasperated)

We’re running for our lives here. Your wardrobe in not important.

HOLLY
Poor fitting clothes attract attention for the elderly. People think you’ve lost a lot of weight or are homeless and they stare.

Nick shrugs and makes a face at Holly when she isn’t looking.

NICK Where’s your husband?

HOLLY
He thought he needed a shave. You know he shaves twice a day.

NICK (losing it)

A shave? We’re running for our lives here. What part of that don’t you understand?

Nick rushes into the bedroom off the bathroom. RUDY has his face lathered up with a leg shaving gel and has not put on his pants yet.

Nick throws a towel at him. Wipe that off now. We don’t have time.

RUDY
It’ll only take a second. Holly hates it when I don’t shave twice a day and who knows when I’ll get another chance.

Nick grabs the towel back from Rudy and does a rough swipe of his face to get the shaving gel off it.

NICK
You smell like Strawberries. Put your pants on. Now!

Rudy toddles back to the bedroom where the pants are laid out on the bed and looks around the room.

NICK (CONT’D) What are you looking for?

RUDY
A chair. My doctor said I should never put pants on standing up. That’s how a lot of falls happen.

Nick pics Rudy up under both arms and sets him on the edge of the bed. He grabs the pants from dumbfounded Rudy and kneels to slip them over Rudy’s feet.

Holly appears in the doorway.

HOLLY What’s going on in here.

NICK
I’m changing the baby, what does it look like?

HOLLY
Neither one of uses diapers. We’re offended. And you better not have put one of those things on him. They were ladies. Men pee in a different place.

Nick waves her away, slipping odd showers on Rudy’s feet over strange socks.

Then he stand and pulls Rudy to his feet.

NICK

Pull your pants up. Let’s go. Griz, load up!

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s comedic situation.

What I learned… I wrote this scene initially purely based on the need to build tension and to move the plot along. But now that I’m satisfied with that part, I think on the next re-write, I can focus on the “incompatables” element of the two brothers and make it funnier.

This is a screenplay about two millenial brothers with opposite beliefs about bigfoot. Pete is a believer and recently had a nervous breakdown while in the 2016 presidential voting booth. As a result, the brothers are on a long camping trip. But Pete has turned it into a bigfoot-finding mission. He’s even hired a crew. His brother Tom patronizes him, but totally doesn’t believe, and fears this is turning into an obsession for Pete. In this scene, Pete wants to go out alone to search for bigfoot alone for a couple of days, and Tom doesn’t think he should go…

Tom approaches Pete

TOM

Can we talk?

PETE

OK everyone, back the campsite. Give us a few minutes.

The group begins to return to the camp as the brothers walk.

PETE

I bet you think I don’t want you to come right?

TOM

Yeah, I get it. You’ll be out of my hair. I’ll get the time alone in the woods that I want. It might be a blessing to get away from each other for a while… but leaving the group alone on your dollar? And not to mention, I made a promise to Dad that I’d keep you safe, so I’m really not sure that’s for the best-

PETE

No no no. You should totally come with me.

TOM

HuH? Wait a sec. Based on your little soliloquy just now, aren’t I scaring away sasquatch with my thoughts or my negative energy because I don’t believe in him?

PETE

Well, yes to the negative energy, but not because you don’t believe in him. I’d actually think it’s better if you come for that very reason. You’re not a threat if you don’t think he exists. Its people like you who get to see him. It’s testimonies of people like you that the world needs to hear from!

TOM

Oh man. In that case, I’m definitley NOT going!

PETE

Wait, would you just hear me out?

TOM

Please.

PETE

This is the first time I’ve been away from both Dad and Mom and this will be the first time I’ve been alone in a long time. “Even though Dad doesn’t say it, I can tell Dad was hurt by the way Mom just seemed to abandon him and us with a seemingly total lack of loyalty.

TOM

Mom wasn’t the best at defending herself. If she was a better debater, I bet you she would have won more of those arguments. Most times she had a good point.

PETE

I just want you to know, I’d never leave you, no matter how wrong or misguided you are, I’m with you, man.

TOM

Don’t say that.

PETE

Why not?

TOM

Because, If I ever do get misguided, I hope to God I’m smart enough to not take you down with me.

PETE

In that case. Stay. Stay with the group if you really feel that way.

TOM

I still can’t. I promised Dad I wouldn’t leave you.

PETE

Why did you do that? You know I can handle myself in the woods.

TOM

C’mon dude. You had a nervous breakdown trying to make a decision like the fate of the world depended on that one little choice, and now you’re bangin’ on trees half naked in the woods. Did ANYTHING Jeremiah said resonate?

PETE

I don’t make Nut Butters. I just want to go off in the woods for a few days. You know, Like Christopher Mcandless.

TOM

Who?

PETE

Oh c’mon you know! The guy that went to Alaska and they made a movie about him, Into the Wild, remember?

TOM

Oh Dear God, please come up with a better example.

PETE

Ok, Henry David Thoreau.

TOM

Sigh. OK. You have my blessing if you take Sams with you.

PETE

No way man. That guy’ll scare everything away. What’s wrong with Poetone?

TOM

I dunno there’s just something fishy about him. How can you be so trusting?

PETE

How come you always have to doubt everthing?

TOM

I trust you.

PETE

But you had to promise Dad you’ll take care of me?

TOM

That’s Dad who didn’t trust you. Not me.

PETE

Did you trust Mom?

TOM

Yeah.

PETE

Maybe you should go pay her a visit. Just leave. We don’t need you. Get Sams to drive you. I’ll pay for it.

TOM

Wait a sec, are you kicking me out of your little club?

PETE

If you leave on your own, I won’t have to.

Tom stares at him. They don’t say anything. Tom just turns and walks the other way.

PETE

Well??

No response.