Day 5 Assignments

[Ira Drower]

Assignment 5 – Characters Built for Comedy

Ira Drower’s comedy character loglines.

What I learned from this assignment was how a character can be funny by looking for what is incongruent about them.

Movie Title: The King’s Cook

King Karim is the overweight ruler of a small Central-Asian country and hires a fry cook to prepare his meals and help him lose weight.

Jabir is a fry cook who believes he can create healthy food by frying it. His deep-fried fruit led to his hire by the King.

Aziz is the Prime Minister and former talent show judge who speaks like a game show host.

Rana is the king’s greedy wife whose fake charity to create healthy meals for the country’s poor becomes an international success even though the charity provides no meals to the poor.

INT. ROYAL KITCHEN – DAY

King Karim, a plump forty-year-old wearing pajamas with the

Royal seal of the kingdom on the chest walks past a long

table filled with plates of food. Beside him is the beautiful

Queen Rana, adorned with a jeweled necklace, silk nightgown

covered by a luxurious robe. Behind each plate is a line of

people in white coats and chef hats.

KARIM

They all look so good. When do we

get to taste them?

RANA

Soon, my king. We will be

broadcasting live for the kingdom.

Aziz will manage the ceremonies.

Prime Minister Aziz, fifty with silver hair, goatee, and grey

suit walks alongside the king.

AZIZ

Now, remember your highness, I will

make the introductions and you can

taste the food. One bite only,

please.

KARIM

What if I like it? Can I eat it

later?

AZIZ

Of course, your excellency. Just

do not scarf it down in front of the

camera like a starving beggar.

A camera operator steps in front of King Karim and Aziz motions to

him to begin filming.

AZIZ (CONT’D)

Welcome subjects of Tamarin. Today

our very own King Karim will be

tasting the wares of our country’s

top chefs. Joining him is the

lovely Queen Rana.

Rana waves to the camera twisting her hand at the wrist. King

Karim nods.

AZIZ (CONT’D)

This is an auspicious

occasion because the winner of the

taste test will become the King’s

Cook.

King Karim pauses at the first plate. His eyes widen with

excitement as a bit of drool appears at his lower lip.

RANA

Easy, my king. This is only the

first plate.

AZIZ

Not only will the winner receive

this high honor but the food

created by our kingdom’s new chef

will be featured in Queen Rana’s

food program, “Stuff-it, Stuff-It

Good,” where no one leaves hungry.

RANA

And let us not forget the other

goodies.

KARIM

There are more goodies here?

AZIZ

Yes, the winner also receives a set

of knives whittled down from old

ceremonial swords as well as a

complete set of copper pots and

pans. Retail price for these items

is 7,000.00 Drachmas.

Aziz queues the sound technician to activate the applause

machine.

KARIM

Can I taste now?

RANA

Not yet my love we have to

introduce the chef and his dish.

KARIM

But I’m hungry. You know how I get

if I don’t get my morning feast.

AZIZ

First up, he is an accomplished chef

with his own Vegan restaurant right

here in Taraminda. He wrote a

popular cookbook and has been

featured in the Food

Section of the Tamaran Times. And

ladies just so you know he is

single, allow me to introduce, Chef

Walid.

2.

Aziz queues the sound guy for applause. Queen Rana claps as

her eyes check Chef Walid top to bottom.

RANA

Ooh, I hope he wins.

AZIZ

Chef Walid, could you please tell

us a little bit about your dish?

Walid, a handsome, tall mean with jest black hair and steely black

eyes.

WALID

I present for you a faux chicken

pot pie made with a cauliflower

crust, peas, soy milk, celery

seeds, and diced carrots.

KARIM

Pie! I love pie, especially for

breakfast.

King Karim drives his royal spoon into the dish almost

cracking the plate. King Karim motions toward his personal

assistant who brings over a bowl. King Karim spits the

mouthful into the bowl, the official Spittoon.

KARIM (CONT’D)

Tastes like vegetables. Where’s the

pie? Where’s the chicken?

A dejected Chef Walid stands silent with his head down.

KARIM (CONT’D)

Next? I hope there is some edible

food here?

RANA

My king, we are trying to introduce

healthy options for you and your

subjects.

KARIM

Do they have to taste like paste?

AZIZ

Well folks, looks like Chef Walid

will not be winning this contest.

Let us see who our next contestant

is.

Aziz, Rana, and King Karim walk down to the next dish,

camera operator in tow.

3.

AZIZ (CONT’D)

Here we have a young protege, Chef

Jabir. He is currently working as a

fry cook at Wendy’s but enjoys

frying food of all kinds. His

motto, “If its fried, it’s good.”

Jabir is a skinny eighteen-year-old with pimply face and long

scraggly hair. His voice squeaks as he speaks.

JABIR

Today I have prepared a deep-fried

concoction of strawberries and

blueberries coated in a light

creamy batter. Enjoy.

King Karim reluctantly takes a small piece of the food on the

plate which looks like something a dog threw up. After

tasting it, he quickly consumes the remaining food.

KARIM

We have our cook. That is

delicious.

AZIZ

Your highness we have twenty-five

minutes left for the show.

KARIM

Shows over, we have our winner.

Aziz and Rana shake their heads as the remaining contestants

sigh.

[Bradford Hicks]

Brad’s character’s intro

What I learned from this assignment is to develop a log line for your comedic characters; then make sure the comedic scenes live up to that log line.

DOT WINKERSTADT is a small town museum director who is oblivious to the town’s checkered past.

EXT. MUSEUM – DAY

The two story Victorian house looks pleasant enough. An addition has been added to one side that more or less matches the style. The sign reads: Yukon-Klondike History Center. Inside, DOT WINKERSTADT (60) gives the reporter a tour.

DOT (V.O.)

We call it a history center because “museum” sounds a bit…

She struggles for the word.

REPORTER (V.O.)

Fancy?

INT. MUSEUM – CONTINUOUS

Dot, well fed and dressed in a thrift store cross between Klondike and Contemporary, leads the reporter through the entry hall adorned with Klondike era artifacts.

DOT

Oh, no shortage of fancy here. No, just static.

We try to be more interactive.

She opens a door that reveals a living room-sized space with folding chairs and a small stage.

DOT (CONT’D)

For example, this is our “Re-live the Gold Rush” Theater,

where visitors can experience what it was like.

INSERT:

VIDEO FOOTAGE OF ONE OF THE RE-ENACTMENTS:

Two miner re-eanctors squat at the bank of a river of blue paper. One pulls up his gold pan.

MINER 1

Hey, I found gold!

MINER 2

That’s my gold…

BAM

He shoots Miner 1 dead.

END INSERT

INT. MUSEUM – DAY

Dot and the reporter now stroll by enlarged Klondike-era photos of women. They’re all clearly prostitutes, spilling out of their dresses and in seductive poses.

DOT

This is our our “Women of the Klondike” hall.

Not an ounce of gold would have been pulled from the ground without them.

The reporter clearly sees what she apparently doesn’t. The final portrait in the row is larger than the rest, and the woman doesn’t look like the others; she’s large, butch, and snarling.

DOT

And this is Klondike Kate, perhaps our most famous female pioneer.

The placard above her photo reads KLONDYKE KATE.

DOT (O.S.)

Legend is she looked after all the other women very closely.

They enter another room now. A poorly painted mountain on a wall of plywood fills half the space. About a dozen large drawer handles protrude from the mountain.

DOT

And this is our “Stake your Claim Game.”

She picks up a pickaxe and demonstrates, pulling out a drawer with the axe.

DOT

You decide which one’s your claim, slide the pick ax in, and see if you struck gold!

All but one are just a rock, but behind one is a gold rock.

We let people keep it to show their friends.

Actually, we don’t have a gold rock right now because we ran out of spray paint.

Would you believe it’s 4 to 6 weeks on Amazon?

I could drive to Whitehorse in that time.

They continue their stroll past miserable looking mannequins dressed as miners.

REPORTER

Mayor Trost said you’d be able to fill me in on the history of blacks in the Yukon.

Dot is a bit taken aback.

DOT

Oh, well, as far as I know the last black person here was Calvin Pope in 1967.

He was a Separatist. Came in from Toronto. Back in the 60’s there

was a movement to get the Yukon to secede from Canada.

He ran for provincial election in 1968 against Big Jack O’Connor.

Here’s a poster from the election.

The vertical poster shows a smiling Jack on top, and a nefarious looking Calvin Pope on the bottom. The poster reads: YUKON JACK, NOT YUKON BLACK.

DOT (O.S.)

We’re still part of Canada, so he lost, as you probably figured.

But of course he lost because of his politics, not race.

[A. Ward]

Anthony Ward’s Character intro

What I learned doing this assignment is that your Logline does not have to have humor in it. You can drop unfunny characters into regular situations and if they are a fish out of water comedy can be created in that scene.

Logline: A serial killer is dying to find his next victim, the only problem is he is bedridden.

EXT.FRONT PORCH-DAY

The pizza delivery guy rings the door bell to the house belonging to Alfred. Alfred talks to the delivery guy through the security camera.

ALFRED O.S.

Hey buddy, so here’s the thing; I need you to bring me the pizza and I have the money in here.

JAKE

Nah man we’re not allowed to do that.

ALFRED O.S.

My doctor has me on bed rest so I can’t get up. Tell you what, there’s and extra 20 bucks in it for you.

Jake looks back over his shoulder at the empty UPS and Fedex truck parked on the street and then he grabs the door knob.

INT.HALLWAY-DAY

Jake is walking down the long narrow hall trying to find Alfred.

JAKE

Yo where you at mister?

ALFRED

You’re getting warmer.

JAKE

I gotta admit this feels borderline creepy.

ALFRED

Warmer.

JAKE

You got this big house, you don’t have no butlers or maids that could have grabbed this pizza?

ALFRED

Colder. You just walked right past me.

Jake turns back around and pushes open Alfred’s bedroom door. He stands in the doorway. Jake covers his nose.

JAKE

Yo man what the hell is that smell?

ALFRED

I haven’t been able to shower in over a month.

JAKE

That’s foul man. You need to open a window, light a candle or something.

ALFRED

You don’t have to be rude about it.

JAKE

You right. So here’s your pizza.

ALFRED

Ohh would you look at that. The pizza’s late. I get it half off right?

JAKE

Nah, I was here on time. You got me doing all this weird shit. I want my money.

ALFRED

Lighten up. Here’s the money for the pizza plus your extra $20. So can I have it?

JAKE

Yeah.

Jake pulls the collar of his t shirt up covering his nose. He tries his hardest to stretch towards Alfred without getting too close. Jake has his eyes closed as he is reaching out to Alfred who is holding the cash in his hand.

ALFRED

Stop fooling around before you drop…

Jake trips over a pair of feet hanging out from under the bed. He drops the pizza and looks down. He sees the UPS driver under the bed.

ALFRED

It’s not what it looks like. I can explain.

The Fedex driver falls out of the closet knocking Jake to the floor a second time.

FEDEX DRIVER

You gotta get outta here. He’s a…

The Fedex driver dies on top of Jake. Alfred pressed a button that closes his bedroom door. Alfred fluffs his pillow and sits up in the bed.

JAKE

I never seen your face you can let me go and I won’t tell anyone I swear.

ALFRED

You’re looking me dead in my face. You know exactly what I look like.

JAKE

Why are you doing this man?

ALFRED

I’ll tell you what, You seem like a nice guy and today’s your lucky day, since I’m in a good mood.

JAKE

Hate to see you in a bad mood.

ALFRED

I’ll play you for it.

JAKE

Play me for what?

ALFRED

Your life.

JAKE

But I’m already alive.

ALFRED

Yeah for now.

JAKE

You’re on bedrest so you can’t get outta the bed and you’re offering me my life.

Jake starts to laugh at Alfred’s situation. Alfred isn’t saying a word. Alfred opens the box that came in from Fedex. He removes the contents inside.

JAKE

No one at work is gonna believe this story. A serial killer who is on bedrest. The irony in that.

Jake has his back to Alfred. He takes out his phone to call his boss. Alfred still not saying anything opens the UPS box. He removes a crossbow. Alfred loads the crossbow with and arrow from the Fedex box.

JAKE

Hello Mr. Jones. Funny story for you but true story. So I go to deliver that meat lovers pizza to the address you gave me, turns out dude ain’t wrapped too tight.

Jake turns around and looks at Alfred.

JAKE

Yo man is that a…

Alfred fires the crossbow. Jake drops to the floor.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Character’s Intro

What I learned from this assignment is I didn’t have a logline for the president’s mother. Now I do.

Nick is ex-special ops with a teacup poodle for a PTSD service dog. <div>

Ivy is very bad at the Secret Service personal detail business but doesn’t realize her success guarding the President’s parents is due to good looks, good luck, and outside help.

Holly, the President’s mother, is chased by kidnappers, but focused on matchmaking her Secret Service agent with the local mall Santa.

Rudy, the President’t father, is a retired CIA agent who fancies himself Bond-like, but stripped of his hearing aids and on the other side of 80, he’s an intelligent, but bumbling codger.

Scene:

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY – MORNING

RUDY, an 80-ish dapper retired-CIA agent with hearing aids and glasses waits in the hallway of his apartment building talking on his state of the art cell phone.

RUDY
My wife insists I find out out who the mall Santa is at Century Mall.
I helped me when you were held hostage in Chili by five drug gang members who were about to cut your throat. You can help me with this.

He pauses.

The door opens and he quickly hangs up and pockets the phone.

IVY, late 30’s, in a stylish, but business-like suit and coat, exits the apartment. Calling back into the apartment.

IVY
Holly, we’re waiting in the hall.

You’ve got 30 seconds before we leave you at home.

Ivy and Rudy exchange a look.

RUDY
Fifty years of CIA experience and fifteen years of Secret Service can’t get that woman out of an apartment in less than a half hour.

IVY (smiling)

We’re failures. Rudy does an eye roll.

RUDY (under his breath)

Speak for yourself.

IVY What did you say?

RUDY (CONT’D)
Illegal or not, you WILL help me or

I’ll tell your wife that the torture in North Africa left you infertile and it’s not her fault you don’t have kids.

RUDY
I said you should probably see for yourself if she’s actually coming or if she’s on the phone again.

Ivy fishes her keys out of her pocket and is still searching for the key she wants in an oversized bunch of keys on a holiday-themed keychain when the door opens.

HOLLY, 80-ish, attractive, smartly dressed and talking on the phone, exits the apartment.

HOLLY
When you get his name, just leave me a message with it.

She pockets her phone and heads down the hall to the elevator.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
Are we going or not? You can’t expect

Mr. Right to find you in a hallway, Ivy. Let’s go to the mall and check out that very interesting Santa.

Ivy pushes her earpiece’s button to speak.

IVY
The Christmas Tree is on the move.

The elevator door opens. Ivy steps in front of Holly and Rudy, pulls her gun and checks out the elevator.

HOLLY
Is your buddy getting that name?

RUDY
I doubt it. Against regulations.

Did you have any luck?

Holly shakes her head as Ivy motions for them to move to the back of the car, watching the hallway carefully as elevator doors slowly close. Holly and Rudy roll their eyes and chuckle.

RUDY (CONT’D) Just like a real agent.

HOLLY
We’ve got to find her a husband.

IVY
What are you two whispering about.

RUDY
We were just remarking on how professional you look today.

</div>

[Amanda Avalon]

Amanda Avalon’s character’s intro

What I learned from this assignment is that comedy character logline is really an efficient way to come up with a story!

I actually came up with a great idea for my next script so not going to share that one here… something else instead.

Comedy logline: Allison is a journalist who doesn’t want to write unhappy or disturbing news.

INT. NEWSROOM – DAY

The newsroom in filled with busy journalists typing on their laptops. The big boss of the room, Mark (late 50s) walks over to ALLISON’s (mid-20s, smart, down-to-earth) desk. Allison looks up and sees Mark’s serious face staring at her.

MARK

I need you to go to the mall. There’s a hostage situation.

ALLISON

Hostage situation? I write columns! I’m not a reporter!

Mark leans over to Allison’s desk.

MARK

It’s time, Allison. You’re ready. No more writing about…

(whispering)

women’s products –

Allison shakes her head in disbelief.

ALLISON

You know, women constitute 50 % of the people. You can say it outload: tampons.

Mark is surprised by this outrageous young girl and straightens himself, irritated.

MARK

We’re a traditional newspaper.

ALLISON

So, I’m allowed to write about lipsticks but not hygiene?

MARK

Can you keep your voice down?

ALLISON

(sighs)

I have a column here. It’s almost ready.

MARK

(suspiciously)

What’s it about?

ALLISON

Dog breeds, and how to choose the right breed for you.

Mark is relieved.

MARK

Sure. Send it over.

Mark turns away and strides off to his office. Allison shakes her head and sends him the column.

[Denice Lewis]

Denice’s Character’s Intro

What I learned doing this assignment is the more incongruent you make the character, the more possibilities for comedy. The techniques make the choices more challenging.

Character Logline: The Old West, 1985. Elsie Righteous is the town’s beloved, spinster seamstress who robs banks.

INT. COLORADO BANK, 1985 – DAY

A few patrons visit with each other.

A rich GENTLEMAN pushes slowly through the door. Grimaces when he stands straight.

He has a handlebar mustache, hat, and large black gloves. Takes slow, measured steps up to the counter.

BANK TELLER is jovial with thick glasses.

BANK TELLER

Good afternoon, Sir. How may I help you?

Gentleman coughs.

GENTLEMAN

(deep voice)

Pardon me. The dust annoys my sinuses. I’d like to open an account.

BANK TELLER

Yes, Sir. Haven’t seen you around town.

GENTLEMAN

Working you to the bone?

Inside the right glove, his hand fumbles.

GENTLEMAN

Heck.

Hand stops moving. The barrel of a derringer slides to the end of the index finger hole.

Bank Teller pushes a card and pencil toward Gentleman.

BANK TELLER

Please sign your name.

Gentleman signs the card with his left hand. Pushes it toward the Bank Teller with his right hand.

Card reads: PUT ALL YOUR MONEY IN A BAG.

Bank Teller reads the card in disbelief.

Gentleman raises his hand to point at Bank Teller’s heart.

GENTLEMAN

You see clearly through those glasses?

Bank Teller nods, eyes frozen on the gun.

GENTLEMAN

Don’t move. Smile.

Bank Teller smiles.

GENTLEMAN

Are you in good health, Sir?

BANK TELLER

Hope to stay that way.

GENTLEMAN

Health can be so fleeting. Be sure you take good care of yourself.

Bank Teller shoves bills, coins in a sack.

GENTLEMAN

Carry it. I’m going to cough. Escort me out the back door. I will shoot you if I have to. Understand?

Bank Teller nods.

GENTLEMAN

Smile.

Bank Teller grins.

Gentleman coughs. Wheezes. Folds over in distress.

Bank Teller rushes to his side.

BANK TELLER

I have a glass of water in the back, Sir. Do come and sit down.

A panicked gaze at the next person in line.

BANK TELLER

I’ll be right with you, Madam.

He takes Gentleman’s arm. They vanish into the back.

EXT. BANK’S BACK DOOR/ALLEY – DAY

Bank Teller hands the sack of money to Gentleman.

GENTLEMAN

Go back inside. Don’t call the sheriff. I know where you and your family live. Understand?

Bank Teller nods, scurries inside.

Gentleman minces down the short alley. Tucks the money down his shirt. Yanks off his gloves, mustache. Shoves them in his hat. Flips it into a bonnet he jams on his head. Wiggles out of the jacket. Pulls a long dress out of his pants. Readjusts the money pouch. Tucks the jacket underneath.

ELSIE RIGHTEOUS (65), stretches her back. Ties her bonnet with slow fingers. Moans. Hunches over, hobbles around a corner.

[Joe Donato]

Joe’s Comedy character loglijnes

What I learned is similar to the last lesson: The process that is working for me is to write a scene casually at first, with a beginning and an end, and then, with these character loglines in my mind (but not yet on-the-nose spelled out for the reader) rewrite the scene, with each character “pushing” the other’s buttons as much as they can.

Three characters: in this scene:

Pete, a history of being a good-natured kid that tries to get along with everybody. But lately he has been working through his parents’ recent divorce and going through some personality changes. He just discovered that his whole camping trip that his dad paid for
as a “gift” had a secret self-serving political agenda to
it the whole time. Pete is complaining to Mom about it now on the phone and finds himself getting angry.

Tom: Historically Tom has been more often the antagonistic one, but prides himself on being very rational and level-headed. His antagonism tends to come in the from of intellectual debate. He is also Tom’s older brother and before this scene, has had less respect for Mom than Pete.

Their Mom: Recently divorced from their father and living alone. (Pete and Tom are college-aged so they get to choose who to live with). She loves her boys but her way of dealing with problems is to just let the antagonizer win in a very phlegmatic “oh well” kind of way. The more someone tries to fight her, she kills the battle by either letting them win, or changing the subject in a way that leaves the antagonist disoriented.

Intercut between Mom and Pete on the phone:

Pete: “Dad did it again, trying to run my life”

Mom: (smiling) is that so?

Pete: Why does he do that? Did he do that to you?

Mom: What do you think?

Pete: It’s wrong. its so wrong. Why can someone just do that? Why’d you let him get away with that?

Mom: “Well dear, life is cruel”

Pete: “No Mom, I’m not a 12 year old asking for a Star Wars toy anymore, this is for real”

Mom: I know, I know.

Pete: Dammit Mom. Just one more time, Just tell me, what would you do?

Mom: Well you know me Pete, I’d probably do something stupid.

Pete: NO! Im not gonna let you debase yourself! (yelling) I’m not Dad dammit! You’re always just side-stepping the issue like its no big deal, what the crap kind of parenting is that? Grow a freakin’ pair Mom!

Mom puts the phone down nearby and goes back to reading her magazine as Pete continues yelling. She waits for a long pause.

Pete finally runs out of steam. She picks up the phone, pulls out a piece of folded paper from her pocket, casually unfolds it and reads from it into the phone…

Mom: “that’s your father talking and you know I’m not going to listen to you when you talk like that. How’s your brother?

Pete: Uhh, he’s fine. What do you want to talk to him?

Mom: (Cheery) Yes I’d be thrilled to talk to my 2nd favorite son! Would you do that for me?

Pete thrusts the phone to Tom.

Tom: Hi Mom.

Mom: Hello Peet-tom.

Tom: Mom that’s getting really old, its not funny anymore.

Mom: Oh yes it is its hilarious.

Tom: look don’t worry I’m taking care of him. He’s going to be fine.

Mom: You sure you’ll do something for him?

Tom: I’ve been doing something for him non-stop for like forever. I think I need a break.

Mom: well now you know how I feel.

Tom: Huh? Are you mocking me?

Mom: I’d never mock you, I love you.

Tom is silent.

Mom: when are you coming to visit?

Tom: Soon OK?

Mom: How soon?

Tom: Don’t worry, soon enough. Goodbye Ma.

Mom: You love me right?

Tom: Yeesss! I love you, you know I love you.

Mom: I got you to say it! I win. Goodbye! See you soon!

She hangs up.

Tom is now alone in a closed off room, but he looks through glass and sees Emily giving Pete a hug.