-
Day 5 Assignments
Click reply to post your assignment.
-
12 Replies
-
Since I am bleeding from a painful tooth extraction today, I rewrote my first page with a flashback to late Jurassic times when magma turned bloody red to seep into sedimentary rock.
EXT. PALISADES CLIFFS – DAY
Boiling red magma seeps into sedimentary rock glowing with lethal power.
VO
200 million years ago we were Magma Monsters as we boiled up from Mother Earth into the sedimentary rock of the Palisades frying dinosaurs.The scene suddenly changes to Spring 2020 as the rocks stand cool and quiet.
VO
The Lenape Indians called us a row of trees and now we are as sawed off and stalwart as the nearby West Point soldiers. You think you are locked down with COVID? We have had the longest lockdown. LITONYA LENAPE, a buff American Indian woman is bouldering with JAKE LA ROCHE Spring 2020.She scrambles to the top while he slips and falls, unleashing a shower of small pebbles, but laughing and clapping.
JAKE
You rock Litonya! Women are stronger than men.VO
See how tight her hands grip our rocks. That’s how the COVID spikes clench your lungs.CLOSE ON the red of the Coronavirus pulling back to an AERIAL SHOT of the Manhattan sunrise.
VO
We are jealous of these quiet, invisible killers since our better boiling days are over.EXT. SUMMIT – GARDEN ROOF- SUNRISE
IBRAHIM AL HARBI and his ten year old son OMAR pray as the sun wishes good morning to a pandemic locked down Manhattan.IBRAHIM
The Summit brings us closer to God.
VO
And on top of Manhattan because he must be in control. CLOSE on his Muslim prayer beads, sparkling with black diamond and gold, something his Saudi relatives would consider idolatrous, but it works here. His 10 year old daughter ASTRIDE works on the roof garden with KISELE FELDMAN, also ten years old.KISELE
Nature is our God.Ibrahim clenches his fist with this blasphemy but prepares the prayer mats.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Julia Keefer.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
-
Michelle Damis – Great First Page
What I learned, was to get rid of some unnecessary words or “CUT-TO” directions in order to have more pertinent info on Page 1.
INT. STUDY/LIBRARY- MODERN DAY – NIGHT
An UNKNOWN MALE FIGURE sits in an expensive leather chair next to a roaring fireplace. A well-aged book is wide open on his lap, the words, “Once Upon a Time” visible. SIBLINGS, 18yrs old, one female, one male, sit with uncertainty on the couch opposite.
MALE FIGURE(V.O.)
It’s time. Let’s begin. The year was…
EXT. CONCERT VENUE 1987 – NIGHT
DURAN DURAN on stage performing, “Hungry like the Wolf”. The crowd going crazy, a sea of 80’s fashion, and new-wave hair.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
1987? That’s not right. Let me think. Umm…2022. That’s it.
“Twilight Zone” style clock face speeding forward.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
2022, and I was unquestionably the world’s most bored vampire.
INT. STUDY/LIBRARY – MOMENTS LATER
The siblings exchange a glance, half curious, half disbelief.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Yes. A vampire. Completely bored with my own existence. Over 600 years of mundane, unexciting, eternal disappointment. The worst curse imaginable.
The flames transform into a pile of burning garbage, continuing into a montage of the destruction of the planet and its resources.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Add to that endlessly watching mortals waste. They waste everything; the planet, their resources, themselves. They repeat mistake after mistake. They never learn.
Montage shifts to: Money, banking, stock market, violence.
-
It’s a killer opening. Just the idea that a vampire is bored with all that longevity of undeadness is hoot.
You have effective hooks and anticipatory dialogue (or narrative).
-
-
Janeen’s Great First Page
What I learned from this assignment is that I need to take each page, one at a time, and work on the details.
INT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT
Inside a stretch limo, the occupants run the gamut from languid daydreamer to frenzied couture designer.
MORGAN DAY, beautiful, resplendent, aloof, stares into the evening traffic of the city, seemingly oblivious to the conversation in the limo, but secretly steeling herself to show them all.
DANIEL RICHARDS, fashion designer extraordinaire, a delighted smile glued to his face, kneels on the floor of the limo, furiously working to hem, tack, fluff, and primp a dress he has hastily designed for the WOMAN opposite Morgan in the limo.
The woman flutters and delights in Richard’s attention to her dress while her husband, a BOOK EDITOR, is focused only on the man across from him, Gavin Day.
GAVIN DAY, fifteen years Morgan’s senior, a combination of George Clooney and James Bond, chats with his editor. He is superior to everyone in the limo, perhaps in the world.
GAVIN
Having a beautiful woman by my side makes me feel complete, alive. You must feel it too.
The editor looks at Morgan.
Gavin, eyebrows raised, looks at Daniel and the editor’s wife.
The editor winces, quickly looking at his own wife.
EXT. STRETCH LIMO – NIGHT
The limo stops next to a red carpet. Reporters press in.
GAVIN gets out, helps MORGAN out of the limo. She is resplendent in her gown, serene, benevolent.
Cameras flash, videographers jockey for position. Questions are rapid fire, she has no time to answer before the next one tumbles over it.
REPORTER 1
Ms. Day, when did you know you had such extraordinary powers?
REPORTER 2
Now that you’ve solved child poverty in the U.S., when will you turn your powers to world hunger? That will surely be next, right?
-
Amy’s Great First Page!
What I learned from this assignment is even the very page can determine whether the rest of your script gets read.
FADE IN:
INT. – UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB – DAY
A large tube-like machine WHIRS LOUDLY. It’s huge. It takes up almost the whole room. It’s a supercollider.
An old man is running back and forth frantically. This is Dr. Smitty.
DR. SMITTY
TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
A young woman stands next to the machine unfazed, smug. It’s MEAGAN DONOHUE, 30s. She is Dr. Smitty’s teacher’s assistant.
A man holding a camera stands frozen in place, not sure what to do. This is WBEN anchor Andrea Richards’ cameraman, MARK.
DR. SMITTY
(to Meagan)
COME ON YOU DOLT! JUST DON’T STAND THERE.
Dr. Smitty runs towards the machine.
He reaches for the switch, but…
ANDREA RICHARDS, 30s, suddenly pops out of the machine. The normally quaffed news anchor is disheveled and completely disoriented.
Meagan frowns. Mark stands with his mouth open.
DR. SMITTY
THANK GOD!
ANDREA
I’m back!
DR. SMITTY
What happened? What did you see?
ANDREA
I’ve got to go home. I need to talk to my family.
Andrea bolts out of the lab.
DR. SMITTY
Wait! Mrs. Richards, we need to talk about this.
-
Rob Bertrand’s Great First Page
What I learned: I learned that the first page creates the first impression of you, as a writer and how good you are at writing.
FIRST PAGE
EXT. FIELD – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Magic hour sets over a picturesque landscape, punctuated by the rhythmic bass of modern hip-hop. Somewhere a wedding reception is in full swing.
Through a field of parked cars, weaves a teenage girl, pulling her younger sister by the hand.
Meet, ANNIE ANDREWS, 16, purposefully plain, unintentionally pretty. The type of girl that prefers a hoodie and beanie over the sun dress she’s in now. Careful! She wields sarcasm like a deadly weapon and right now, she’s pissed.
Trailing behind is JESSICA, 8, lover of all thing’s horror and dedicated gamer. She may be shy in the real world, but online? She’ll eat your soul alive.
JESSICA
Mom and dad are fighting.ANNIE
No shit. Now, hurry your little ass up.The sisters cut through a row of cars and find their parents arguing beside their mom’s 69 VW Bug.
The guy who can barely stand is JACK ANDREWS. A hardworking, harder drinking, blue-collar conservative.
JACK
(slurred)
Gimme the fucking keys, Nora.NORA ANDREWS, late 30s. On a normal day, she’s an overworked mother, who bears the weight of her dysfunctional family on her shoulders. But tonight, that all ends.
NORA
(angry)
You said you had this under control!JACK
Give me…the fucking…keys!NORA
(whispers)
Get in the backseat, Jack or so help me God, I will leave you here. I will leave you and take the kids… -
What I learned…
There are TWO MAJOR KEYS to having a first page stand out and the 1/2 page above did both of them. They are:
1. Pour a unique character into the dialogue and actions.
Do a serious think session about your lead character’s most unique traits and make sure they are in full blossom on that first page.
2. Be provocative.
You need to provoke some emotional response in your reader. This can be done with dialogue or description. Remember, Almost any situation can be presented in a dull way or a provocative way. Choose to provoke your reader’s emotions.
Provoke an emotional response. But if I were to bring it down to three things, it would be…
A. Take it to an extreme.
B. Unique/interesting Conflict.
C. Use loaded words and images.
EXT. MANOR – NIGHT
O.S. A man’s high-pitched shriek of terror.
INT. MANOR – HALLWAY – CONT.
A college-aged man runs for his life, he’s the one screaming.
TYLER (O.S.)
People are usually afraid of something. Like ghosts.
The man, TYLER, trips on his feet.
He glances back, his eyes open wide—
TYLER (O.S.)
But what are ghosts afraid of?
A ‘Jason from Friday the 13th-esque’ masked killer barges in, machete in hand.
Tyler screams as the killer charges at him.
TYLER (O.S.)
What if ghosts were also afraid of people?
Tyler shrieks. The killer’s machete cuts through Tyler’s body like a plane cutting through a cloud.
Tyler keeps screaming as the machete lands on the hardwood floor.
TYLER (O.S.)
Oh, yeah. I’m that ghost.
The killer’s baffled. Tyler vanishes through the nearest wall.
-
Pablo’s Great First Page:
What I learned: In order to make this more exciting, I started the story right before the climax and used voice over to kind of introduce the characters. I would change my whole approach but who cares. If it makes it better then I will re-write it.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAWN
A cracked dusty window looks out over some flat, obscure terrain as the sun creeps over the horizon. CRASH. A flashlight cracks the window, a few more times for good measure as light floods into the room.
ANDRES(V.O): My mother was never someone who liked to start any trouble.
IRMA, a cute, Catholic mother that, with just a look, could make the Devil feel guilty, splashes some fluid on the arm of a ragged couch. She does a quick sign of the cross and whispers a short prayer before lighting a match.
ANDRES(V.O.): But she would if she felt she had to.
She gently flings the match on the fabric. As the fire spreads, she looks over to the next room.
IRMA(Whisper): Antonio.
INT. NURSERY – DAWN
ANDRES(V.O.): My brother on the other hand, would start trouble on whim.
ANTONIO, a turbulent teen, was marveling at the damage he had already done. Standing in a child’s bedroom as an old crib burns along with several stuffed animals. Satisfied, he dashes out.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Irma hands Antonio a small duffel bag.
ANTONIO: Andres?
CRASH.
INT. KITCHEN – DAWN
ANDRES is a small and decent child. Powdered with dirt and sand, he hesitantly stabs at the remaining windows with a broom handle.
ANDRES(V.O.): I never liked to break a rule, much less break a window.
IRMA(O.S.): Andres. That’s good enough.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAWN
Andres enters looking at his mother as if waiting for the next instruction. She grabs both of her sons by the arm pulls them by the front door which is wide open. She pulls them down to a crouch.
ANDRES: Now what?
IRMA: We wait for more smoke. Try not to breathe it in. We’ll need a lot of it to cover us.
-
Budinscak Great First Page
Day 5
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Make or break for capturing the reader’s attention and signaling the quality of your writing.
o No matter what you’ve written, you can make it better.
FADE IN:
SUPER: “1988”
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A hearse leaves a funeral home and navigates a large parking lot shared with a quaint restaurant, Carmine’s.
INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT
The kitchen, while clean, shows it age. Music plays from a small radio on an upper shelf, just below a matronly portrait of the family matriarch.
JACK, late 20s, a miniature nuclear warhead with a hair- trigger detonator yet slicker than a two day oil spill, moves gracefully in synch to the music as he cooks. He’s a natural in the kitchen.
JACK
This is intoxicating, Ma, you taught me good. Bet you didn’t think I could use intoxicating in a good way, did you? Me neither.
(looks at portrait)
Now don’t be mad for me wasting food.
He spins a knife and slices a loaf of Italian bread in half. He pulls a wad of cash from his pocket, stuffs it between the bread halves and slides the bread in a bag.
JACK
I know you’re gonna be really pissed when you see where it’s going. I promise, last time I see the old man, or whatever he calls himself.
Jack scribbles ‘FH’ on the bag and stores it next to the radio. He approaches a large pot of sauce and inhales deeply.
JACK
I promise I’ll be a better person. I know I say that all the time, but I mean it. Starting … tomorrow. I can’t tonight. I gotta do one more thing. Promise. Okay?
Knock, knock – someone’s at the kitchen door.
JACK (sing songy)
Who is it?
-
BOB SMITH’S GREAT FIRST PAGE
What I learned doing this assignment is that a first page which is crucial must be challenged. I did and the 10 pages I submitted on Day 6 is the improvement
EXT. POST WORLD WAR 2 BERLIN U.S. ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY
Super: BERLIN – AMERICAN SECTOR – 1945
Letters on the building spell, U. S. ARMY HEADQUARTERS
MILITARY POLICE (M. P.’S) are on guard duty at the kiosk at the gate.
The figure of a man emerges from the surrounding rubble, walking toward the M. P.’s. He is EMIL JANNINGS, age 60. He carries an Oscar statuette.
The M. P.’s put their rifles at the ready to aim and shoot.
M. P. #1
Halt! Who goes there?
JANNINGS
(brandishing his Oscar statuette)
Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!
I won an Oscar.
The M.P.’s ease up and cross to Jannings.
JANNINGS (CONT’D)
Thank you, officers. I am Emil
Jannings.
M. P. #1
The actor?
JANNINGS
(reading from the Oscar)
“Best Actor,’ 1929 for “Last
Command” and “The Way of All
Flesh.”
M, P. #2
We need to see your papers.
JANNINGS
The Russians bombed Berlin back
into the Stone Age and you want
papers! Well, I have no papers!
I had hoped the Oscar would suffice
to confirm my identity.
M. P. #1
Of course it does. Why have you
come here?
JANNINGS
Isn’t it obvious? Why else do
people appeal to America? For
freedom! I have an acting career
to revive.
M. P. #2
He needs to be vetted.
JANNINGS
“Vetted”?
M, P. #2
Yes, you may need to be
denazified.
JANNINGS
Me? Denazified?
M. P. #1
Yes, you have to speak
with Major Kershaw.
JANNINGS
Major Kershaw?
M, P. #2
Major Kent Kershaw. He is
our Security Officer.
-
BOB SMITH’S GREAT FIRST PAGE
What I learned doing this assignment is…? That the first page must have continual passes from every angle to make sure it is a killer opening.
I am trying to catch up on assignments and at one point this was/ and was to remain my first page.
INSERT: Documentary footage of the Allies fighting the German Army.
NEWSREEL NARRATOR (VO)
While Allied troops are about to enter Germany,
Star of stage and screen, Marlene Dietrich, a Nazi-critic, and former German citizen, entertains our troops.
EXT. A US ARMY BASE AMPHITHEATRE – DAY
Thousands of TROOPS in the audience.
MARLENE DIETRICH is at the microphone. Her show is already in progress. She tells the troops, “Hey, guys! Give those Nazis the licking they deserve!”
The Troops applaud.
Marlene Dietrich says, “Here is my song from “The Blue Angel”
Dietrich begins to sing “Falling in Love again.”
The troops applaud as the song begins.
Her song continues AS background for the following actions.
General Eisenhower (VO) announces:
EISENHOWER (VO)
“From General Order One-zero-six-seven:
“Denazification: All who have rendered public
support to the Nazi Party shall be barred from
public appearances.”
Dietrich’s song fades and ends.
-
Emmanuel’s Great First Page!
What I learned from this assignment is the very first page must be the most engaging to keep the reader interested in turning the page to read more and it’s a good habit to use the same method for the first 10 pages and then sprinkled throughout the script.
Log in to reply.