Day 5 Assignments

[Brigitte Timmerman]

#1

What I learned from this assignment is presenting a normal situation as a coverup that is revealed in a dramatic way creates intrigue.

New coverup:

Surface: Jessie and Irene find a militant group that reunites Native children with a small donation. An older women calling herself Auntie B. who tells Irene and Jessie she is the liaison for Native American tribes. She is also half Lakota and was reunited with her family many years ago.

Layer beneath: They are a trafficking network who gets a premium payment for finding native children.

Reveal: Auntie B. makes a cultural mistake Irene catches. Grandpa Frank reinforces Irene’s discovery that that do not go with them.

#2

Surface: Fuel station attendant is warm and friendly to family and give Isaac and Mira free candy bars.

Beneath the surface: He works with a network of bandits that tip off travelers with valuables.

Reveal: Irene and Jessie are stopped by bandits posing as border patrol.

[Mary Andrews]

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Mary J. Andrews’s mod3 lesson 5: Layers and Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment is how easy it is to change and add
new parts and factors to a story.

THE FIREBORN CHRONICLES PILOT
paranormal science fiction

Teaser:

1 — INT PLANET TANIVOL MAIN SPACEPORT NEMESIS BRIDGE — DAY 1.

Earth is gone montage with V.O. while ship lands. Rael Pointe (35) alone on the NEMESIS BRIDGE. Main g while he takes everything in at the speed of thought. A communication from Planetary Retrieval office breaks through. And two agents appear on a new window.

Without stopping or slowing down, Rael answers it. Two agents introduce themselves and request permission to deliver the Government’s disabled ambassador Dash to them. Several more screens appear labeled to identify them as security checks and validations of the agent’s identities etc. He approves them for approach, all windows shut off and Nemesis softly touches down. Rael rises and speaks aloud as he heads for the door telling the crew company’s coming. His voice is broadcast ship-wide.

2 — INT NEMESIS MAIN CORRIDOR PLANET TANIVOL MAIN PORT – MORNING 2

As Rael steps into the MAIN CORRIDOR, Laynald Lockheim (a sharp 63) steps out of the Common Room, adjusting one of his dart sheaths. Laynald is not happy about the overly short notice security-wise.

From the END OF THE CORRIDOR, Ira Haze (early 20’s) exits his quarters. Rael sends him back to don his Wall Master Robes so Laynald won’t have to worry about security and to meet them at the ship exit. They leave him standing there alone.

3 — INT NEMESIS IRA’S QUARTERS — MORNING 3

Ira is incensed. He snags up the long stylized Wall Master robe, dons it, straightens it and shakes his head. A glance in the mirror shows his prismatic eyes glitter in the light. He pulls the hood over his head. Why do they not notice the fear his eyes inflict?

4 — INT NEMESIS FREIGHT ELEVATOR — DAY 4 Elevator doors close after Ira enters. He lifts his head to look straight into the surveillance cam and says, ” not funny Rael.

5 — INT NEMESIS HOLDING BAY — DAY 5
Rael and Laynald are waiting at the bay exit while gang plank rolls out. Rael’s temples flicker and Rael chuckles. Laynald asks what’s up and Rael relays Ira’s lack of sense of humor

6 — EXT — NEMESIS LOADING BAY EXIT — MORNING 6

Nemesis team is attacked by planetary agents supposedly returning the Universal Government Ambassador whose mind has been psychically hi-jacked

Each team member shows his competence/abilities, readily…Laynald tells Ira to take still screaming ambassador to sickbay and quiet him while he and Rael deal with their prisoners and clean up.

TURNING POINT Ira Haze (early 20’s) retrieves Ambassador Dash and attempts to free his mind from a terrorist’s control, only to discover the mind-jacker is not only still controlling the man, but is unable to escape, herself, still present, is being tortured as well (sonic disruptors). Ira barely manages to escape the 3 mind-link he’s initiated and collapses onto the sickbay floor upon ripping himself away.

Act 1
7 — INT NEMESIS SICKBAY PLANET TANIVOL MAIN PORT – DAY 7
sick bay; Ira awakens. Laynald is waiting for him there. Ambassador is unconscious on gurney.

8 — INT NEMESIS COMMON ROOM PLANET TANIVOL MAIN PORT – DAY 8
They join up in Commons Room to eat and debrief. Ira is upset. when he discovers that the psi-jacker is being tortured as well as the ambassador.

Rael reports what he has found searching local area by compu-link. They decide to start by retracing ambassador’s sightings from street cam feeds.

Turning Point: Ira identifies with slave training…decides to save psi-jacker as well as Ambassador.

Act 2

9 — Ext Tanivol Main Port City walkways – NIGHT 9

Team sets out. Look out of place in festival atmosphere.

Turning Point: Suddenly, Tristen (early 20’s) appears before Rael. She is surreal and enticing and lures him to rush ahead of the others.

Laynald closes in on him and pulls him into an alleyway between buildings. He motions for Ira to approach.

Ira speaks to Rael to no avail. Finally, Ira removes his glove and makes physical contact. Rael is confused. Ira brings him back to reality–barely. Team decides to follow her lead if they can find her

Turning Point…Rael has a chit from The Palace which points the way. Laynald takes it, and Ira releases Rael, who takes off with them behind him.

MIDPOINT p 30

10 — INT TANIVOL MAIN PORT CITY THE PLEASURE PALACE LOWER LEVELS — NIGHT 10

The team tracks Rael and Tristen through the Pleasure Palace with no problems. Nothing about it makes sense. Laynald believes they are being toyed with.

Act 3

11 — INT IN SPACE NEMESIS BRIDGE — NIGHT 11

Essence: Rael is undone. Tristen has him entranced and unable to function. He is miserable.

12 — INT IN SPACE NEMESIS SICKBAY — NIGHT 12

Finally, Laynald calls him to sickbay where he’s taken Tristen (unconscious) to examine her. Ira is already there. Rael can barely control himself. Laynald reports what he’s discovered. Ira cannot help but feel Rael’s condition.

Turning Point: Ira steps in and tells Rael he will make this right. Laynald escorts Rael away and places 3 small magnetic sonic disruptors activation points around the sickbay in case Ira loses control of her. Ira rewrites Tristen

13 — INT IN SPACE NEMESIS SICKBAY — NIGHT 13

Act 4

14 — INT IN SPACE NEMESIS COMMONS — NIGHT 14

Group reassembles in sickbay. Ira has impressed Tristen to believe she is now Rael’s slave. He has come full circle, now forcing his will upon her to benefit his captain. It does not sit well with him but when Tristen sees Rael she releases him immediately. Rael will name her Tristen here

Turning Point: and she will respond to his questions about her background by showing them all what her past was like. introducing the Oracle World and claiming to be a Chosen One.

Act 5

15 — INT SPACE NEMESIS BRIDGE — NIGHT 15

Rael is undone. He cannot function with her so near. Rael talks to Laynald about it.

16 – INT IN SPACE NEMESIS COMMONS ROOM — DAY 16

Rael has Tristen summon the Ambassador and release him after they seek out what happened to him by deep searching his memories. The plan works and they discover the slavers were searching for information about Rael.

17 — INT SPACE NEMESIS TRISTEN’S QUARTERS — DAY 17

Tristen’s mind is scalded during working with Rael. Ira is sent to help her. He erases her memory and puts her to sleep. He does not like seeing her confined like she is.

18 — INT NEMESIS BRIDGE — DAY 18

Ambassador Dash while attempting to contact Dark Ops command is ordered to connect Rael. Upon doing so, Rael is informing that his adopted mother, head of Dark Ops, is dying. She summons him to Dark Ops Prime before she dies.
He sets Nemesis hurling toward her.

===================================================================

[Phyllis Strong]

Phyllis’ Layers and Reveals

What I learned from this assignment was that the layers were already in my framework, I just had to design when and how to reveal.

Layers

Act 1

· Sasha is only superficially friendly with her colleagues; underneath, she doesn’t let people in.

· Duncan’s obsession with suspicious deaths from extreme climate events is really to find a way to track the creatures he seeks.

· Sasha’s friend at the DOJ has fallen for her despite her not letting him in emotionally.

Act 2

· Sasha’s anger bubbles to the surface as she tries to get help from colleagues and sources to prove Delia-DOJ collusion.

· Duncan’s impracticality, idealism and entitlement come to the surface as he tries to join the investigation.

Act 3

· Duncan’s nightmare hints at his responsibility for the death of his daughter during a hurricane.

· Sasha’s dream is to fight climate change for a living. The seeds of wanting to protect the planet come from not wanting to be anything like her father, who abandoned her.

· Sasha has been a caretaker of her mother since her father abandoned them.

Act 4

· Sasha has a vengeful streak.

· Duncan is desperate to continue pursuing these creatures because of their potential to reverse climate change, which will help atone for the sins of his family producing greenhouse gases for 150 years.

Cover-Ups

Act 1

· Sasha is cool, calm and collected – a superstar at work, tantalizingly mysterious in relationships.

· Duncan is a billionaire philanthropist who supports climate scientist and politicians who are actively combating climate change.

· Duncan’s private obsession is with suspicious deaths during extreme climate events.

Act 3

· According to Delia, Duncan admitted to seeing a sea creature when he and his daughter were swept away in a hurricane. But just the ravings of a grief-stricken father.

Reveals

Act 1

· Sasha has no friends: nobody to celebrate her big score at work. She has calculated relationships, like with her friend at the DOJ.

· Sasha’s friend at the DOJ wants to be more but she won’t let him in.

· Duncan is a regular billionaire activist in his public life, but in his private life he is obsessed with suspicious deaths during extreme climate events.

· Duncan discovers the private investigator he hired is working for his sister.

· Delia, CEO of major petroleum company, is Duncan’s sister.

· Sasha’s friend at the DOJ has betrayed her and sided with Delia.

Act 2

· Because she only has superficial relationships, Sasha has no one willing to stand up for her when she is framed for manufacturing evidence.

· Duncan can’t buy his way into everything—he’s going to need outside help with the investigations into suspicious deaths.

Act 3

· Sasha’s father abandoned the family when she was thirteen.

· Sasha’s father worked at a pharmaceutical plant and was responsible for polluting the river that caused the death of hundreds of fish.

· Delia is trying to figure out what Duncan is really up to with his investigation into suspicious deaths, that’s why she’ll keep compromising anyone he’s working with.

· Duncan had a breakdown after his daughter died, and told his sister at that time that he saw a mysterious creature take her away.

Act 4

· Duncan believes the creatures spawned by global warming 55 million years ago are back because of the buildup of greenhouse gases today.

· Duncan believes killing these creatures causes them to absorb 50 times their weight in greenhouse gases.

· As much as Sasha wants to be affiliated with Duncan, she draws the line at taking care of a delusional man (a parallel to not wanting to take care of her mother).

Act 5

· The bodies killed in the Teaser were cooked from the inside out, and the fire didn’t reach the house. But there is a scorch mark and indentation on the broken-in door.

[Kimberly Gore]

Kim’s Layers and Reveals

What I learned from this assignment is where I might be able to add more layers to build more suspense into my pilot.

Act One

LAYER/REVEAL Who is this woman playing with this young girl? Why is she acting like a little kid?

We learn she is Eric’s wife and Linnie is his daughter from a previous marriage. But why is she acting like a kid and why is Eric so angry right now?

Act Two

LAYER/REVEAL Still confused about Natalie. But it’s revealed that this isn’t the first time Danielle has felt Natalie to be odd. We also learn that Eric is a psychiatrist and Natalie was once Eric’s patient. Though we don’t know the deal with how the divorce all played out and what part, if any, Natalie had to play in it.

We don’t know who Eric is with on the phone. But he’s being flirty. And then the knife comes in…we don’t know who or why…or understand what’s happening. When Natalie comes home, she’s horrified and so we don’t suspect her at all.

Act Three

LAYER/REVEAL Why are the police so sure she committed this crime? And is Natalie telling the truth? Or a really good liar?

Act Four

LAYER/REVEAL Who is Aggie calling? Why doesn’t she like Natalie? Why does she treat Eric like a little kid? Why is he letting her? He calls her mommy. When the detective talks to Eric, he’s completely different. Combative, almost. Denies having seen anything. His mother clearly doesn’t believe Eric. Is Eric protecting Natalie? Was she the one who went after him? But why? And why is he covering it up?

Act Five

LAYER/REVEAL She picks up the doll, the cup of ice water from the living room. Tidies the throw pillows on the couch. Puts the glass in the dishwasher and notices the knife missing from the sink. She walks upstairs and yanks off her clothes. Makes a bath. Stares at the doll. She slips into the bathtub with it. Becomes the little girl again. Takes the doll underneath the water, makes it squirm. We don’t understand what’s happening.

Then she seems to come out of it, stares at the doll, confused. Throws it from the tub. Starts to cry.

We think maybe the nurse going into Eric’s room is doing something sexual. What we don’t know is that she’s giving him medication to take home. Narcotics. That will be revealed in a further episode.

[Marcus Wolf]

Lesson 5

Subject: Marcus’ Layers and Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment is essentially show, don’t tell. I already knew it, but I had never thought to purposely add it into the script (outline).

I found quite a number of places where an ordinary action could be transformed into a reveal in all of my pilot acts, including the teaser.

[Marie Jordan]

Marie’s layers and reveals

What I learned doing this assignment was that I ended showing more than telling and it made me layout the story differently. It was a big job actually and I couldn’t see the end of it but now I’ve achieved what I wanted and I look forward to the next assignment. I am aware that I took longer than I should.

[David Thome]

What I learned: How to jack up intrigue and engagement by building reveals into the outline.

Teaser

Essence: Joshua’s part of a big experiment that’s goes wrong

Turning point: The lab blows up.

Leila—Beginning: Has visitors from other realities

Leila—Turning Point: Finds out that the experiment could be dangerous for Joshua

Layer: Leila is bad in science -> she has contact with people from other realities

Dramatic reveal: Leila seems to be talking to her science teacher -> real science teacher comes into the classroom.

Layer: The Experiment is groundbreaking and exciting -> the Experiment is risky and no safeguards are in place

Dramatic reveal: The person Leila’s talking to suggests that the Experiment won’t be performed in any other reality

Layer: Leila doesn’t trust her mom, worries about her stepdad

Dramatic reveal: She asks the person if her mom knows about the danger

Layer: There are other realities

Dramatic reveal: Leila asks real teacher about what the first person said; response is, “Garbage science. String Theory doesn’t support it. They’ll never perform the experiment

Dramatic reveal: Lab blows up

Act 1

Essence: Joshua is bored and disgruntled and turns down covering the experiment.

Turning point: He agrees to observe the experiment because it seems to be exciting and important.

Joshua—Beginning: Bored, almost defeated

· Layer: He’s sloppy on the job (bungles a minor assignment)

· Dramatic reveal: (In Act 2) Motivated to do careful, in-depth reporting

Joshua—Turning Point: Agrees to cover the experiment

· Layer: Joshua is a malcontent PR flak (like Fred) -> he was a high-powered journalist who was cheated out of a Pulitzer

· Dramatic reveal: The guy who got the Pulitzer is on TV to talk about his book based on the reporting that won him the award.

· Layer: Joshua loves Henna -> cracks in marital bliss

· Dramatic reveal: Woman at work flirts with him, suggests that Henna has had an affair, so why shouldn’t he be able to take his turn?

Salva—Beginning: Bitter about the past; overconfident about the experiment

· Layer: She’s a brilliant scientist interested in science that will benefit humanity -> is bitter over not having gotten recognition she thinks she deserves

· Dramatic reveal: (In Act 2)Lashes out when Joshua questions the science of the Experiment with diatribe about getter her due

· Layer: She’s completely confident that the experiment is safe -> knows it’s dangerous

· Dramatic reveal: Gets a visit from the American agent

· Dramatic reveal: After agent leaves, calls someone (Henna) that the Experiment will go ahead, no matter what

Act 2

Essence: The buildup to the experiment; hints that it could be dangerous—in different ways.

Turning point: After the explosion, Joshua’s in a different dimension

Joshua—Midpoint: The particle accelerator explodes, sending him into another reality

· Dramatic reveal: (Sloppy) Motivated to do careful, in-depth reporting

Salva—Turning Point: Joshua tells her about Leila’s fears

· Dramatic reveal: (Confident) Lashes out when Joshua questions the science of the Experiment with diatribe about getter her due; says she’s not afraid of dying

Salva—Midpoint: The particle accelerator blows up; she dies in the baseline

Leila— Midpoint: The particle accelerator blows up, confirming her fears

Act 3

Essence: Joshua discovers he’s in a different world, tries to negotiate it.

Turning point: The experiment has been delayed and will be run the next week.

Joshua—Major Dilemma: Accept his new reality or try to get back to the baseline

Leila—Turning Point 2: An interdimensional visitor tells her where Joshua and the others are; investigator questions her.

Leila—Major Dilemma: Should she work with investigators?

Leila—Major Conflict: She doesn’t trust Henna or the investigators

· Layer: Doesn’t trust Henna-> Overhears Henna talking to someone about the Experiment

· Dramatic reveal: Assumes Henna called investigators to set up interview

Salva—Turning Point 2: Learns she’s dead in the baseline and can’t go back

Salva—Major Dilemma: The Third Agent tells her (O.S.) that Joshua knows the wavelength, so maybe she wants him to live—but maybe in another reality, she knows the wavelength, so she might know the wavelength there (but it appears that the experiment only has or ever will be performed in the baseline, so it doesn’t matter to her if she gets credit for it) (Who would she tell this to? Or would Leila know?)

· Layer: Salva only interested in science for mankind -> wants to kill Joshua to get revenge

· Dramatic reveal: (Act 5) Shoots at Joshua in the parking garage, blows up his car

Act 4

Essence: Spies introduce Joshua to what a big deal the result of the experiment is.

Turning point: Car blows up

Joshua—Turning Point 2: He’s pursued by spies

Salva—Major Conflict: Whether to let Joshua live

Salva—Ending: Decides Joshua needs to die

Layer: Salva wants revenge on Joshua

Dramatic reveal: She shoots at him in the parking garage

Act 5

Essence: Joshua discovers that Salva is trying to kill him

Turning Point: Joshua’s car explodes; he sees Salva running off

Joshua—Major Conflict: Followed by spies. Salva is trying to kill him.

Leila—Ending: Has become Joshua’s only contact in the baseline.

· Layer: Leila reveals to Joshua that she has contact with people in other dimensions

· Dramatic reveal: She fills him in on what she knows about what’s happening in the baseline

Joshua—Ending: He has to survive and get back to the baseline—he confronts the American agent in a badass way

[Diana Ceres]

Diana’s Layers and Reveals

What I learned: When you build subtext into the characters and structure, the layers, coverups and reveals pretty much make themselves. Subtext is the key to good writing, be it dialog, character traits, or story structure. It adds layers and paves the way for organic coverups and reveals.

Pilot: Layers, Coverups and Reveals

Act 1: Jake having breakfast with family. Lupe tries to talk Jake out of going to conference; Jake dismisses threat of hurricane

Layer: Lupe wants Jake to leave town so she can execute her plan; Jake wants to leave town to get away from mother in law and have a break from Lupe’s demands

Cover up: Normal family having breakfast; Dutiful/concerned wife; makes his favorite meal; Lupe tries to talk Jake out of going to medical conference; worst hurricane in history predicted later that week; Lupe says she doesn’t want Jake to leave them alone or get hurt;

Reveal: Jake and Lupe have an unhealthy relationship

Act 2: Jake leaves for conference. Lupe orchestrates escape.

Layer: Jake is looking forward to a break from Lupe and Dolores; Lupe, Dolores, and Marco want him to leave

Cover up: Husband packs and leaves for medical conference; Lupe pleads for him to stay

Reveal: Lupe and Dolores scheme with Marco to harm Jake

Act 3: Hurricane hits. Jake concerned. Lupe rushes everyone out of house as Marco plants child porn on Jake’s computer and Dolores packs santeria shit calmly while everyone is rushing to get out.

Layer: Lupe and family have been planning this escape

Cover up: Hurricane Lupe about to touch down; Jake notified during conference of hurricane; family frantic; Lupe and family are packing and rushing to leave during hurricane

Reveal: Lupe is emptying all of their shared accounts; she is leaving Jake and framing him for possession and distribution of child porn; this was her plan all along

Act 4: Lupe and family leave. Lupe doesn’t pick up when Jake calls.

Layer: They are driving to get away from Jake; Lupe has tossed everyone’s phones away

Cover up: Family driving to get away from hurricane; Jake calling Lupe

Reveal: They all have burner phones now and new identities; this was an orchestrated hit

Act 5: Lupe in hotel with kids and Dolores. Changes appearance. Has new identify. Jake comes home to empty house.

Layer: Family changes appearance to avoid being recognized; Lupe and family have left Jake

Cover up: Family in hotel, Lupe coloring hair, giving kids buzz cuts; Dolores puts on a different wig; Jake leaves conference early; risks life; comes home to an empty house

Reveal: They have left Jake penniless and framed for multiple felonies

Lock in/Turning Point: Lupe on TV with photo that Jake sent in out of concern. Jake being questioned by cops for possession of child porn.