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Day 5 Assignments
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11 Replies
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June Fortunato’s Great First Page day 5 of openings for Retirement
What I learned: I’ve learned a great deal about Roy through the process of writing the entire script. My first definitions of Roy, early in the course, were a start, but now I’ve found his core. This week, I added the very opening of page 1 which shows Roy’s main characteristic- that is that he seeks companionship despite his own safety. And that, for him, others are his definition of home.
The first page- I think it speaks to that, and although I rearranged a phrase in the opening, my attempts to rewrite his character info distract and become on the nose. What needs work are the many places in the body of my script to fill in, and insert scenes to set up the ending.
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.) Fugazi. Moron. Chumpface. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. Buds for life.
JOE (V.O.) Yeah? Well we’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60s, wiry dude, with nervous energy, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause. Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, covers and then steps onto the dying grill, and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He drags the fridge to retrieve his hidden; worn-out box. Inside: a knife, his dog-tags and something shiny with a ribbon; wrapped in a bloody bandana. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.) You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. His shoes. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
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Anna Harper First Great Page
What I learned from this assignment. I did some wordsmithing. I was happy with the intensity of the page. Always room to tweak and improve, one word can make a difference.
SITUATION
SOPHIE is an out-of-work actress, Her last role was in a local theatre 5 years ago. She is depressed. Sophie is 60 ish. She dresses like an old hippy with money, BOHO, flamboyant frilly sleeves (like something out of ABBA) She makes some money baking cakes and selling herbs. She lives with Sandy her live-in lover of 10 years.
ESTABLISHING/SHOPPING AREA/YARMOUTH U.K./DAY
SOPHIE
It’s a hot spring day Sophie is walking into town. She is carrying shopping baskets full of baking and herbs for delivery. Sophie walks past the most upscale coffee shop in town (WELL DRESSED PATRONS CAN be SEEN IN THE WINDOW) She turns down a cobbled side street. Her attention is drawn to look at something MYSTERIOUS There is a pile of what looks like moving garbage bags. She stops and looks closer. TO HER HORROR, it’s an almost unconscious boy. lying on a couple of garbage bags fluttering in the breeze.
SOPHIE
Hey my friend, are you alright? I’m Sophie. What’s your name?
BOY
Lifts head barely
Bill,
Grunts coughs
Bill.
SOPHIE
Sophie’s eyes widen as she sees the red welt of flea bites covering his skinny arms.
FRANTICALLY Do you want water, I have some here?
BILL
Bill slumps back over.
SOPHIE
Are you alright, Bill, Bill, Oh my God! SCREAMS Help, help, anybody help?
MAN
Stops walking, looks at Bill and takes his cell phone out, and calls an ambulance.
SOPHIE
Throws down her bags and rolls Bill onto his back. She FRANTICALLY checks his pulse and his breathing, he is not breathing.
SOPHIE
Shit, he’s not breathing! Bill, Bill for God’s sake, Bill! Come on!
Come back!
She starts VIGOROUS CPR. SOPHIE SINGS The BeeGees ‘Staying Alive’ to keep pace with FRANTIC compressions, muttering intermittently. Come on Bill, don’t die on me!
A crowd is forming. Nosy Lookey Loos, no one offers help.
WELL DRESSED WOMAN
SHOUTS
FILTHY drug addicts put them in prison.
SIRENS BLARING in the background after what seems an age. The MEDICS jump out and start to work on Bill, taking over the CPR.
One of the medics starts filling a syringe with Naxolene. The other medic is hooking up the AED.
MEDIC 1
STAND BACK, HANDS-OFF!
TWO JUMPS of the AED NOTHING The Noxelene is injected. The medics try again, more CPR, and then one more jump start with the AED. Nothing
MEDIC 1
I am sorry, he’s gone. From the stuff in his bag, looks like a Fentanyl O.D.
That’s the third one this week.
MEDIC 2
From his wallet, looks like Bill was 17.
Gets the gurney, and the medics load him on and cover the body with a sheet. Slam the ambulance doors.
SOPHIE
Sophie is standing there in SHOCK AND DISBELIEF She watches the ambulance leave. She walks over to the church wall, sits down, weeps, pulls out her cell phone, and calls SANDY.
SOPHIE
Struggling to talk. Choking on her tears.
Sandy, come and get me please, I am St.Agness outside on the wall.
SANDY
IRRITABLE
Can’t it wait? I’ve still got another 20 minutes of Coronation Street!
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Hello June are you partnered up yet? If not would like to have you as my partner. Thanks Anna
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Dev Ross – FIRST PAGE
What I learned was more about my lead character. In reaching for the ‘provocative,’ I found new elements about him; elements that distinguish him as a – hopefully – more intriguing character.
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – SUMMER NIGHT
Huge shade trees sway in the light summer breeze that cools a modest but picturesque home in the South. A dim light emanates from its basement. The TV inside blares–
TV NEWS (O.S.)
(Crowd chanting)
Jews will not pervert us! Blacks will not subvert us!
CLAY (O.S.)
Sons of the devil.
The breeze turns to powerful gusts that whip the trees into a frenzied dance.
TV NEW (O.S.)
Jews will not pervert us! Blacks will not subvert us!
CLAY (O.S.)
Tools of a fool.
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
TV NEWS: Torch bearing marchers are led by youthful white supremacist leader ADAM SPENCER.
CLAY (O.S.)
Idiots! In lock step with an idiot!
Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
CLAY CAINE sits in the dim of the TV.
CLAY
Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…
WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force, TV blacks out, leaving him in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
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What I learned doing this assignment…I heard of this concept of judging a script off of the first page. This is something I’ll probably come back to time and again to refresh and hone future scripts. I kind of did this already in the previous assignment, so there wasn’t as much to change with my first page for this assignment. However, in the event I need to change the opening, I’ll be able to tackle that challenge knowing that it’ll start with a provocative and captivating first page.
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INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – NIGHT
A young boy, ISAIAH, around the age of 12 and a high functioning Aspie, lays in bed, ALONE, holding his ears closed and humming to himself.
In his eyes…
EXT. SPACE
A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red, as a green planet sails through the vast black between the stars.
EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT
Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the soulless structure.
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT
Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD.
SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as…
SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his son, Isaiah, and a BASEBALL BAT with TWO ELECTRIC NAIL GUNS taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.
Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully.
ISAIAH
(coughing)
You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!
A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah…
Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…
The spaceman RAISES A futuristic SHOTGUN.
Sully grips his bat and SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman…
CHNNG! KABOOM!!
Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL.
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Kate’s Great First Page
What I learned from this assignment is how do I choose which of the two contrasting scenes to open with?
One introduces a major player but this isn’t her story, although she is pitted against the same same Antagonist, that is much fiestier.
The other introduces the Protagonist, with no clear conflict, but it launches us into her story.So I offer both here – just the first page of each. The one with Nia goes on longer ….
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, still warm, with the outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
LUCIANA
Lo sé, es malvado. Y si, estoy haciendo tortillas.
She laughs.
LUCIANA
Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.
She is scooping the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.
LUCIANA
No para ti – vete!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
OR
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON
A brightly painted old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
Eight young people(20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 24 year old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass. Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.
She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little, quietly) into the towel. Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.
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DAY 5 – First Pages That Blow ‘Em Away
Lisa’s Great First Page!
What I learned is to play with my scenes and push the extremes. I might have to rein it back in, but that’s better than a boring scene.
FADE UP
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN dressed in a white robe like an angel, is passed out and dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.
WOMAN
They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here?
She looks down at the MAN.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
How do you save a war hero who hasn’t gotten his wings yet?
Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it under her soaking wet life jacket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her life jacket. The rope jerks and falls! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
Well, this is what I do. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!
The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful li…
Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!!
FADE OUT
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PS81 Day 4 (First 10 Pages) Anita’s Great First Page
What I learned: Spent some real time examining every word I chose.
First Page of: ‘LIFE CHOICES’
FADE IN:
INT. LUXURY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A WOMAN’s unadorned left hand bunching the sheets in passion; A MAN’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand tangles in her long curly brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring.
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face. He sits up and clips on his Rolex watch.
CYRUS
You available this time next week?
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room, alongside a waiting incubator.
But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN, V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Anita Gomez.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
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Matthew Frendo’s Great First Page!
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned how important the first page is and how to create a strong one. This will make my scripts stronger and give me a stronger reputation as a writer.
INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT
HALLWAY
The place is trashed, with dead bodies on the ground mixed in with garbage and overall griminess. Messy gang graffiti lines the walls. What is this hellhole?
BLAM! A man comes crashing out of a door on one side of the hallway, out of breath. This is PACO, a hulking menace covered in tattoos, carrying a baseball bat with a spike in it. He collapses against the wall, exhausted.
CLICK. Then, out of the other door, stumbles SPENCER. He’s even bigger than Paco, with a military-cut and an aura of viciousness. He tightly grips a rusty chain like it’s a massive rosary for the damned.
Did I mention both were covered in blood? And I mean head-to-toe covered. It’s even in their eyes and hair.
The two look at each other and lock eyes.
HOST (V.O.)
Here we are, folks. The final moment of final moments has come upon us.
INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT
The HOST (50’s), in a fancy Armani suit and oozing charisma, is the only thing illuminated on an all-black stage. He speaks in a terse whisper to the hidden audience.
HOST
The two most vicious and bloodthirsty murderers left in the world are about to meet up for the last time. Both gangs have been annihilated in the just ten minutes. They’re all that’s left of the world’s prison population. And we’re watching their brutal end with our very eyes.
INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT
PACO and SPENCER step up to each other. They look each other up and down–then Paco breaks down into hysterical tears.
PACO
I don’t want to die like this, man! Charlie had his fucking intestines ripped out by that thing…
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PS81 – Dana’s Rough Draft
What I learned doing this assignment
I only have one page to grab my reader, which means increasing the conflict to provoke emotion by using extreme, loaded words.
FIRST PAGE ONLY
FADE IN:
Over DARKNESS, we HEAR one person counseling another.
MAN’S VOICEDo you know why I come here to see you, doctor?
WOMAN’S VOICE
Tell me.
MAN’S VOICE
This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.
The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.
She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.
ELLEN
What makes you feel that way?
MAN (O.S.)
Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.
ELLEN
The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?
MAN (O.S.)
My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.
ELLEN
Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?
MAN (O.S.)
Polyamorous. What an elegant word.
ELLEN
You’re avoiding my question.
MAN (O.S.)
You noticed.
(beat)
To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.
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Day 5 – First Pages That Blow ’em Away – Assignment
Mike O – Great First Page!
What I learned from doing this assignment is the art of revision and the importance of a powerful beginning. It is analogous to a good first impression at a job interview. Your script is essentially your resume and you are looking for “that” job.
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[I] Rewrite your first page, using the keys to a Great First Page.
[1] Start with something that brings out the most unique traits of one of your lead characters.
[2] Be provocative.
Once you have your character expressing his or her most unique trait, check to see if the scene does these three things to provoke emotion. 1. Take it to an extreme. 2. Unique/interesting Conflict. 3. Use loaded words and images.
[II] Go back and check every line to see if you can take it to more of an extreme, increase the conflict, or use loaded words and images.
4. After doing all that, take a short break and then read it again to make sure it fits your story. You don’t want to go to far and mislead your reader, but you also don’t want to leave out any chance to provoke them. Find the balance for your story.
Post your first page ONLY.
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ACT ONEEarly morning skiff of snow coats the street, the parked vehicles and strands of holiday garland encircling the lamp poles along Main Street.
The citizens of Evergreen are caffeinating, copulating, showering, getting ready for their day. It will be another forty minutes before traffic ushers in this particular Monday.
INT. GARBAGE TRUCK CAB – DAWN
We are in the driver’s seat of a large garbage truck. The only audible sound is Tchaikovsky’s, “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” There is a small, snow globe glued to the dashboard.
From this vantage point, we have an unobstructed view as the vehicle turns left, into an alley that runs between Main Street and First Avenue.
The two and three story, turn-of-the-century brick buildings, have been converted into town-homes, lofts and boutiques. The storefronts facing the street are upscale. Inviting. As are the residential entrances.
We TRACK over the Garbage Man’s jacketed shoulder, HEAR the scratch of his beard against the coat collar, but are unable to see his face. The CAMERA REMAINS PERCHED on his shoulder.
The laminated employee badge clipped to ashtray reads: George.
Through a bedroom window on the right, we see two people having sex. Woman gyrating on top, is at a full gallop.
GEORGE “Lucky stiff.”
In the window on the left, we SEE an elderly man at a kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. ZOOM IN on the box of cereal.
GEORGE “They still ‘magically delicious,’ Harold?”
Vehicle slows, turns forty-five degrees to the right. Still looking over his shoulder, we see a feral cat SCRUNCH down on the lid to the garbage bin as the truck is pulls up.
GEORGE “Move it or lose it, gato. Nine lives is an urban legend.”
CLAWING the air in defiance, the cat darts off.
Song comes to a close. We HEAR the mechanical SOUNDS of the garbage truck’s hydraulics as it hoists the metal bin into the air.
Behind the dumpster, we glimpse a body lying face up.
GEORGE “Holy shit! No, no… damn it. Joshua! “
Gloved hand pushes levers, truck comes to a stop. Driver’s door opens, George jumps out of the cab of the truck. And as he lands and loses his footing, we find…
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