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Day 5: What I learned rewriting my scene/character…?
What I learned rewriting my scene/character…?
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8 Replies
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Breakthrough: Ally shows she is attracted to Jack by simply touching his face.
I copied her by having my protagonist brush a strand of hair from the forehead of the First Nations man.
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couldn’t get scene to come up.
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INSIGHTS: Audience has to relive falling in love at the same time than the characters. They can see the 2 characters as a couple even before the characters admits it.
Small hints here and there with looks, smiles and complicity growing. They enjoy each other’s company.
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I just updated the scene I was working on: instead of having them kiss for the 1st time, I had them almost do but they get interrupted by the taxi driver. I think it’s way better as it sets more expectations for what comes next, great cliff-hanger.
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Attraction can be subtle, fraught with resistance.
I added a simple gesture to Ellie (who is strong about not getting involved). In scene 4, She has the flower Jim gave her in scene 3 (as a way of making up to her for getting her into a difficult situation) in her hair, even though in later scenes she protests any interest.
This way I dribble it along in various scenes that she is attracted to Jim AND tries to resist it.
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I wrote a scene where the two characters meet for the first time. It is still sketchy, but I wrote it with more awareness as to introducing attraction, wounds, secrets, hinting at intrigue, which made the scene more focused and with an intro the future moment. It was a scene I didn’t realise had to be written, as I had the characters already established as having an affair, but I pulled back into time to create their initial meeting and realise this is better.
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WEEK 2 FEEDBACK EXCHANGE
“Lonnie Meets Skye” scene from screenplay written by Patrick Malone
Background:
It’s 1963. Lonnie, 19, and friend Rusty, 17, are on Venice Beach tram heading to a surfing spot. Two young women, mid-twenties, board the tram. Skye will come to have a major influence on Lonnie.
EXT. VENICE BEACH – DAY
Lonnie and Rusty ride the tram along the boardwalk. Their eyes are glued to the breaking waves.
LONNIE
Some heavies are rolling in.
RUSTY
Yeah, they’re stacking, man.
The tram stops. SKYE and AIMEE, both mid-twenties, hop on. Skye sits barefoot next to Lonnie. He shifts to make space.
SKYE
That’s okay, lots of room.
Lonnie eyes light up. Skye, a bright, attractive long-haired brunette, wears a t-shirt, blue jeans, several bracelets and beaded necklaces. Aimee is a strawberry blonde in a long colorful tunic and leather sandals. Her fingers adorned with rings.
SKYE (CONT’D)
(to Aimee)
…and the incense, man that cheap Mexican stuff,
overpowered the place. So, we headed to the canyon
and had the best séance.
Lonnie gives the women a curious glance.
SKYE (CONT’D)
Anyhow, something exceptional is on my horizon.
AIMEE
(excited)
No. Not the manager position?
Skye removes a pack of Tarot cards from her bag.
SKY
These confirmed it.
AIMEE
Wow. It’s about time, Skye.
Lonnie peeks at the cards.
LONNIE
How about some poker?
SKYE
(chuckles)
No, you use these for readings. Tarot cards. They reveal the
unknown, the future. When is your birthday?
LONNIE
Ah, December. The fifth.
AIMEE
Sagittarius.
SKYE
Full of crazy creative energy.
RUSTY
Hey, yeah. We have a rock band, The Pipeliners.
AIMEE
Cool.
SKYE
Not surprised.
EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH – DAY
The tram stops at the Santa Monica Pier and all disembark.
SKYE
You should come hang out. I can do
a reading for you.
LONNIE
Ah, it sounds a bit scary.
RUSTY
We gotta catch some waves.
AIMEE
You can find us down by the pier. Southside.
SKYE
Hang ten boys.
The girls start across the beach.
LONNIE
What’s your name?
RUSTY
Come on, let’s get the boards.
LONNIE
(shouts)
Hey.
Skye turns.
SKYE
Call me Skye.
The girls scamper across the sand to their friend WENDY.
RUSTY
Nice honeys.
LONNIE
Beatniks.
TRIPPY MUSIC starts.
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Bob Kerr:
What I learned by rethinking/rewriting a scene from my script.
Insight: The way the love scene is written in my script it is very subtle and plays much like Jack with Ally. The difference is in my scene it is the woman who is attracted to the guy and uses her feigned interest in the rowing crew as a reason to talk to him.
Breakthrough: I need to carry out this desire, recognition attraction and eventually getting together in a more precise way. To keep them interacting where the guy is basically clueless and the woman is unwilling to ignore her attraction will be more interesting than the way I have originally written it.
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