-
Day 6 Assignment
Post your Day 6 assignments here!
-
3 Replies
-
Christina Parker Introducing Characters Powerfully
What I learned about this assignment was that even though you have analyzed your intros they can always be better.
Danny
1. Sits in class, disapproving of Connor’s practical joke.
2. Is called on by the teacher.
Baxter
1. End of school, Baxter is texting.
2. Kade, a bully knocks his phone out of his hand, it breaks.
Connor
1. In school, everyone is bored watching Egyptology (important plot info) Is trying to grab the frog. (Frog pre-shadow)
2. Jak wakes the teacher stopping him.
3. Danny doesn’t want him to do it.
4. Connor gets the frog throws it on the teacher’s lap, pandemonium erupts.
THE OLD INTRO
EXT. CREEDE SCHOOL – DAY
A large, plain white, flat-roofed, building with a sign that reads “Creede High School”.
INT. CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS
The Screen shows an Egyptian figurine and the Nile.
COMMENTATOR (V.O.) In Egyptian culture, the sun represented the primary element of life. In the desert climate, water was sacred. The Egyptians considered the Nile river a god as it supplied life-giving water to its people.
Fifteen children sit in chairs, sweaty and fidgety. The TEACHER dozes.
CONNOR PETERS 14, a striking confident-looking boy, gets the attention of his mate DANNY SOUZA 14. JACINTA (JAK) CRESSWELL 14, the goth girl, sits apart from the others.
Connor reaches into the aquarium. Danny shakes his head. Connor is about to take out a frog-Jak COUGHS waking the teacher. Connor pulls his arm back. Connor gives Jak a cold stare. She stares back with attitude. The teacher, MISS WATERS stirs. Connor reaches in, Danny shakes his head points to the clock.
JAK(loudly) Miss Waters.
Miss Waters wakes. Connor pulls his arm back.
MISS WATERS Ah, yes, Jacinta.
JAK It’s nothing.
Connor makes a fist at Jak. She pokes her tongue at him. Connor grabs the frog holds it for a moment. Danny puts his head in his hands. Connor grins throws the frog on the teacher’s lap.
Waters wakes, SCREAMS, pandemonium erupts, students LAUGH, the girls SHRIEK as the frog jumps their way.
MISS WATERS Somebody put that frog back. How did that it get out of there anyway?
CONNOR It jumped.
Connor raises his eyebrows at Jak.
MISS WATERS Whoever’s taking the reptiles for the holidays take them now. Class dismissed. Not you Danny.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Connor walks up to his brother ELI PETERS an angelic-faced boy of 8.
CONNOR You’re going to have to ride home by yourself, I’ve got something to do.
ELI Can’t I come?
CONNOR No.
ELI Mom said-
CONNOR -I don’t care
Leaning against a building staring at his phone is BAXTER FIRTH the THIRD, a nerdy, 15 yo. KADE, a bully and HIS FRIEND see Baxter and head for him, they bump him knocking his phone to the ground.
KADE Oh dear, poor Firth the Nerd. Is it broken?
Baxter picks up the phone. The screen is smashed.
KADE Pity, but you don’t have to worry, mommy and daddy will buy you a new one.
Kade and his mate LAUGH and walk off. Overseeing the incident, Connor goes over to Baxter.
CONNOR I hate him.
BAXTER Probably not as much as he hates me. It’s just inconvenient the way it spills out. My parents are beginning to think I’m accident-prone.
Danny runs up to them.
CONNOR (to Danny) What did she want you for?
DANNY I just had to pack up. She likes me. You know you almost got caught ay.
CONNOR Yeah, it was all Jacinta Cresswell’s fault.
DANNY Speaking of Jacinta Cresswell.
Jak walks past them.
CONNOR (CONT.) Jak, when are you gonna’ learn this is a no ghoul zone.
Jak gives him the finger, slaps the gum in her mouth, and walks off.
DANNY Nice girl.
The boys get on their bikes and take off. Connor’s backpack says “See the world, learn to fly”. Eli gets on his bike, dejected.
NEW INTRO WITH VOICE OVER BY DANNY
EXT. CREEDE SCHOOL – DAY
A large, plain white, flat-roofed, building with a sign that reads “Creede High School”.
INT. CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS
A screen shows Egyptian artifacts and the river Nile. Fifteen children sit, sweaty and fidgety. The TEACHER MISS WATERS dozes.
DANNY (V.O.) It all began on the last day of school.
COMMENTATOR (V.O.) In Egyptian culture, the sun represented the primary element of life. In the desert climate, water was sacred. The Egyptians considered the Nile river a god as it supplied life-giving water to its people.
CONNOR PETERS 14, mischievous & cool, gets the attention of his mate DANNY SOUZA, not cool, pudgy.
DANNY (V.O.) Connor’s my best friend. He’s going to be a pilot one day. If he ever gets out of this town. And he will. Then there’s Jacinta Cresswell I don’t need to say anything about her. One look says it all.
JACINTA (JAK) CRESSWELL 14, the goth girl, sits apart from the others. Pokes her tongue out at Connor.
Connor reaches into the aquarium. Danny shakes his head. Jak COUGHS waking the teacher. Connor pulls his arm back. Connor gives Jak a cold stare. She stares back with attitude. Connor reaches in, Danny shakes his head points to the clock.
JAK (loudly) Miss Waters.
Miss Waters wakes. Connor pulls his arm back.
MISS WATERS Ah, yes.
JAK Nothing.
Connor makes a fist at Jak. She sneers at him. Connor grabs the frog holds it for a moment. Danny puts his head in his hands. Connor grins throws the frog on the teacher’s lap.
Waters wakes, SCREAMS, pandemonium erupts, students LAUGH, the girls SHRIEK as the frog jumps their way.
MISS WATERS Put that frog back.
Connor raises his eyebrows at Jak.
MISS WATERS Whoever’s taking the reptiles for the holidays take them now. Class dismissed.
DANNY (V.O.) Connor pushes me to do stuff I’ve always wanted to do, mostly awesome. Except sometimes I get the blame ay.
MISS WATERS Not you Danny Souza!
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Connor walks up to his brother ELI PETERS an angelic-faced boy of 8.
CONNOR You’re going to have to ride home by yourself, I’ve got something to do.
ELI Can’t I come?
CONNOR No.
ELI Mom said-
CONNOR -I don’t care
BAXTER FIRTH the THIRD, a nerdy, 15 yo, is sitting on a pile of books still studying.
DANNY (V.O.) Now Baxter Firth the third is going to be a scientist. He’s a year older, he gets bullied by Tom who’s envious of Baxter’s brains and money.
Tom, and HIS FRIEND see Baxter and head for him, they bump him knocking his books. They pick him up and take his phone, dropping it. Baxter picks it up the screen is broken.
TOM It’s okay, Mommy and daddy will buy you a new one.
Tom and his friend LAUGH and walk off. Connor goes over to Baxter.
CONNOR I hate him.
BAXTER Probably not as much as he hates me. At least it’s only the screen that’s broken. My parents are beginning to think I’m accident-prone.
Danny runs up to them.
CONNOR (to Danny) Did you get into trouble?
DANNY Nah, I just had to wipe the board.
Jak walks past them.
CONNOR (CONT.) Jak, when are you gonna’ learn this is a no ghoul zone.
Jak gives him the finger, slaps the gum in her mouth, and walks off.
DANNY Nice girl.
The boys get on their bikes and take off. Connor’s backpack says “See the world, learn to fly”. Eli gets on his bike, dejected.
-
Rewrite Assignment 6 New Characters Introduction & Elevated Beats Version 2
Aleta Rafton’s Elevating the Beats of the Story
What I learned in the assignment is to identify the weak points and make the story more interesting
Logline: Hank, a 35 year old, timid computer specialist nerd, after becoming a stepdad to a young boy who hates him, changes to the confident heroic man he always wanted to be in the process of winning over the boy.
Revised Beat Sheet Version 2
ACT 1
JACK’S BEDROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
LIVING ROOM INTERIOR – LATE AFTERNOON
Hank is applying a tracking dot to each ornament then carefully wrapping them before putting them in separate small storage containers which are then put in a larger ornament storage box.
JACK’S BEDROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
Jack and friend play with drone Hank gave Jack for Christmas. Jack criticizes Hank but friend thinks he might be OK since he gave Jack the drone and the computer work he does is cool. Samantha loves that Hank is always around helping while her dad is hardly home and just watches sports alone when he is home. Jack flies the drone downstairs to see what’s happening in the living room.
1. Accidentally flies too close to Hank causing him to lose his balance and fall off the ladder. Expresses concern that Hank may get hurt
2. Jack tells Samantha to watch. ‘See what wimp Hank is’ as he deliberately flies the drone too close to Jack’s head and makes him fall of the ladder
3. Samantha is disappointed in Jack because Hank may really hurt himself
LIVING ROOM INTERIOR – LATE AFTERNOON
Drone flies hear Hank’s head as he’s standing on the ladder. He stumbles off the ladder and the ornament he was holding goes flying in air which Shadow grabs before it hits the ground. Julie walks in just in time to see Hank recover and not fall to the floor not knowing that Jack drove the drone near his head and says ’Nice save!’ Grandpa praises Shadow for catching ornament.
Hank doesn’t openly blame Jack but knows he may really have tried to hurt him
1. Hank holds his anger in but Grandpa saw what happened and tells Hank be should talk to Jack
2. Julie is oblivious
LIVING ROOM STAIRS – LATE AFTERNOON
Jack with Samantha see the chaos they caused and race back to his room
HANK’S OFFICE SEEN FROM DRONE – LATE AFTERNOON
Jack is flying the drone in Hank’s office trying to prove to his friend what a nerd Hank is. He knocks over some papers. Then Jack crashes the drone into the wall.
HALLWAY OUTSIDE JACK’S BEDROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
Hank overhears Jack making fun of him and trash talking the drone he made for him for Christmas. Hank goes upstairs to his office to get more tracking dots and cleans up the papers off the floor the drone knocked over.
HANK’S OFFICE
Hank is fixing the drone trying to hand loosen a screw. Jack enters. Hank grabs machine oil to loosen the area explaining to Jack how useful it is. Jack tells Hank his dad could loosen that with his bare hands. Jack leaves with Shadow.
JACK’S BEDROOM
Hank returns the fixed drone and leaves. Jack is trying to open an old piggybank but can’t just by pulling. He goes to get the machine oil Hank used, applies it and opens the bank. Samantha comments that Hank knows a lot.
JACK’S BEDROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
Jack and his friend are chasing Shadow with the drone. Julie calls upstairs that Jack’s friend’s mom needs her home. Jack plays alone with Shadow and then picks up photo of his dad while lying on the bed and reminisces about how life used to be. Jack hears Hank in his office.
LIVING ROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
Hank is nearly done taking off ornaments from tree. Julie nearby in kitchen calls to Jack to come downstairs to help Hank with the ornaments. Jack comes downstairs just as Hank is about to apply a tracking dot to the firetruck ornament that is his favorite. Jack yells at Hank to not touch that ornament and grabs it out of Hank’s hands, puts the tracking dot on it himself and then rehangs it on the tree. Jack sees tracking device and secretly removes batteries so it won’t work.
KITCHEN – LATE AFTERNOON
Julie calls Hank into kitchen to explain that Jack and his dad were in the midst of repairing the firetruck ornament when his dad died. Hank admits he’s failing to connect with Jack.
LIVING ROOM TV – LATE AFTERNOON
Grandpa dozing in his chair and ottoman. Breaking News comes on TV with story about escaped lion loose in NYC. They all come to watch and Julie gets call from her news station that she needs to come in to cover the lion story
Hank and Julie are now dressed as Indiana Jones and his female sidekick for a New Year’s Eve costume party they are going to later.
Distracted by TV news story about a lion loose in NYC, Julie knocks the special fire truck storage box under the table while grabbing her bag to go to the news station to work on the escaped lion story. Julie calls to Jack to come help to make sure Shadow and Grandpa are taken care of.
After the news story segment ends on TV, Hank returns to taking ornaments off the tree. Jack tells him there are no more storage boxes for ornaments and assumes all the ornaments are off the tree. Hank carries the tree out to the curb for the garbage pickup.
Jack, down from his bedroom, is playing fetch with Shadow. The ball goes under the table but Shadow comes back with the empty firetruck storage box instead of the ball.
STREET IN FRONT OF HOUSE – SUN IS SETTING
Jack is running down the street yelling at garbage truck driver to stop as he sees the ornament hanging from the tree on the back of the truck.
INSIDE GARBAGE TRUCK CAB – SUN IS SETTING
Garbage truck driver has on headphones and is rocking out to music. Keeps on driving oblivious to Jack’s screams.
STREET IN FRONT OF HOUSE – SUN IS SETTING
Hank runs to street, sees why Jack is chasing the garbage truck and run past Jack but fails to catch the garbage truck. Jack disappointed in Hank again.
ACT 2
STREET IN FRONT OF HOUSE – DUSK
Jack and Hank stopped running and are watching as garbage truck keeps moving farther away. Grandpa pulls up driving motorcycle sidecar with Shadow in it. Hank and Jack climb in and they take to follow the garbage truck up ahead. Wild ride as they finally catch up to garbage truck.
CLOSEUP – HANK HANGING OUT OF SIDECAR
Grandpa driving sidecar catches up with garbage truck. Hank reaches out a little but not far enough to grab ornament. Truck drives off with ornament dangling from back. Jack yells at Hank.
STREET – NIGHT
Jack, Hank, Grandpa and Shadow standing by parked motorcycle sidecar. Hank puts hand in pocket pulls out handheld tracking device excited thinking they have a chance to find the firetruck. But it doesn’t work. Then Jack pulls out the batteries he removed and gives them to Hank. They jump back in the sidecar this time with Hank insisting on driving. Hank is disappointed In Jack.
IN MOTORCYCLE SIDECAR – NIGHT
They ride wildly through the streets of NYC and eventually are led to the outskirts of town to the city dump.
CITY DUMP -NIGHT
They are walking through the dump searching for the tree with the firetruck ornament and run into the lion on the loose with the ornament hanging from his neck. Hank after many failed attempts which loosen the firetruck from his mane, uses his costume whip to back the lion into a container whose door Grandpa and Jack slam shut. Hank picks up the ornament but as Jack runs to hug him in gratitude, it gets knocked loose and the scarf Julie knitted him comes off and is lying on the ground. An owl swoops down, picks up the firetruck and flies off. Hank uses the tracker to follow the owl but forgets his scarf.
Revised scene
CITY DUMP – NIGHT
They are walking through the dump searching for the tree with the firetruck ornament and run into the lion on the loose with the ornament hanging from his neck. Hank after many failed attempts to loosen the firetruck from his mane, uses his costume whip to back up the lion. The scarf Julie had knitted Hank for Christmas gets tangled in the whip and pulls it to the ground as Hank is about the get the lion in the cage giving an owl time to swoop down and grab the ornament. The ornament tangled in the ribbon is still attached to the lion. The owl flies off with ornament hanging from its beak and the lion chasing the owl.
MOTORCYCLE SIDECAR – NIGHT
Hank using the tracker runs back through the dump to the side car to follow the owl. Jack and Grandpa follow Hank to the sidecar. Grandpa calls police anonymously about loose lion being seen at dump
CITY DUMP – NIGHT
Julie and news team hear on scanner about lion at dump and arrive to film it. They search for the lion but only find a scarf that Julie thinks looks exactly like the one she knitted Hank for Christmas.
______________________________________________________________________
MOTORCYCLE SIDECAR – NIGHT
They have another wild ride back to the city until they are stopped in New Year’s Eve traffic. The tracker loses its signal. Grandpa, Jack with Shadow decide to return home but Hank wants to walk home alone.
TV NEWSROOM INTERIOR – NIGHT
Julie with news crew at dump filming once loose lion now trapped in container by anonymous caller to police. Julie picks up the scarf she sees lying on the ground and it looks just like the one she knitted Hank for Christmas.
______________________________________________________________________
ACT 3
CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Hank is walking alone when the tracker starts working again. Excited Hank follows the directions on the tracker to the top of One Times Square taking back alleys. Hank spots the owl holding the ornament with the lion chasing it. He runs following the owl and the lion
ONE TIMES SQUARE – NIGHT
Hank follows the owl and the lion enter One Times Square through an alley back door and follow them up the steps to the top of the building.
TOP OF ONE TIMES SQUARE – NIGHT – SNOW STARTS FALLING
At the top of the building the owl flies lands on top of the New year’s Eve Ball breaking free of the lion who stands growling at the owl. Hank whips the lion back away and jumps onto scaffolding to get closer to the New Year’s Eve ball where he sees the owl with the ornament dangling from his beak.
STEET BELOW NEW YEAR’S EVE BALL DROP – NIGHT
Julie with news crew is filming man up on scaffold. Snow is blurring camera lens so man can’t be identified. Julie doesn’t know it’s her husband. Someone yells the lion is there. Hook and ladder crew are called to rescue lion.
LIVING ROOM INTERIOR – NIGHT
Jack and Grandpa are watching TV when Breaking News comes on showing a lion on the New Year’s Eve Ball and a man on the scaffold fold on top of One Times Square Building. They know it’s Hank. They run to join Julie and watch in horror at Hank above the crowd. They run into Samantha and her family there. Samantha asks Jack if the cap she found belongs to Hank?
SCAFFOLD AT ROOF OF ONE TIMES SQUARE – NIGHT
Hank ties one end of the whip to the scaffold and swings out to grab the firetruck from the owl’s beak. He knocks it loose but it drops from his hand. Regardless of what happens, watching from below Jack is in awe of Hank.
STREET BELOW NEW YEAR’S EVE BALL DROP – NIGHT
News crew films man swinging out near ball. Unbeknownst to Julie the firetruck falls in her bag. Jack is about to tell Julie that it was Hank swinging about the crowd when Hank appears. Jack runs to hug him and Hank whispers not to say anything to his mom. Hank winks at Grandpa to get him to keep the secret too. Samantha silently hands Hank his cap.
LIVING ROOM INTERIOR – NIGHT
Everyone is home. In the background the TV is showing the man swinging near the New Year’s Eve Ball. Hank is Jack’s hero even without the ornament because he risked his life to retrieve the ornament. Julie finds the firetruck in her bag. Jack, Hank and Grandpa exchange glances but say how funny/odd it is. Julie smiles knowingly wondering out loud who was behind all this. Julie pulls the scarf she found at the dump and wraps it around Hank’s neck and gives him a big kiss on the cheek. Jack puts the firetruck in its ornament box.
HANK’S STUDY INTERIOR – DAYLIGHT
Hank and Jack are repairing the firetruck ornament
-
Fred Introducing Characters Powerfully
What I learned about this assignment is that characters need to immediately show their core when introduced and intrigue the reader right away.
Current Introductions
Jin – clears dishes/translates Han’s menu/philosophy towards food to guests
Change to his actions at Jesa? Something that sets him apart from Grandpa and rest of the men, his American background gives him something different
Questioning the purpose of tradition, old culture
Fixing arrangement, or how to lift a table, make it more efficient, dad and others don’t know how to squeeze/fit a table through a doorway, he takes charge, uncles are impressed, singles out his way of thinking
Option: separate introduction for Jin, uncles can’t do it, when Jin gets there, he solves the problem
In that case, what does he do with Emma?
Date? Pick up/drop off in front of a crowd, choosing family over her
NEEDS ACTION
Emma – picked up from the airport
Change to wanting in but being left out of the family by Jin, need to highlight her desire/affection but out of place as a foreigner
Have her stand out in a crowd of other Koreans/ couples, families, old people, etc
Interaction at airbnb?
No, too private
Han – entitled entrance as a chef in his own restaurant
Change to him assuming leadership position at Jesa in place of Grandpa
Need to put him on a pedestal before knocking him down
Knows where things goes, how the procession is organized and carried out
GRILLS BBQ, interacts with dog?
Mother – reluctant servant to the in laws, taken advantage of, shows resistance/rebellion in her own ways
Okay to keep
Grandma – show some kind of power/authority in the kitchen, powerless outside it, babies Jin
Grandpa – fading health, yet unquestioned leader of the family, have to raise his status more,
Action: checking blood pressure, squeezing walnuts,
Popping a tiny hole on Jenny’s finger? She winces, says it’s nothing
Log in to reply.