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Day 6 Assignment
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GEORGE VERONGOS
REWRITE FOR CRITIQUE
LESSON #5 QE CYCLE #1
INT. CROWDED NOLA CLUB – MARDI GRAS – NIGHT
ROBERT (middle-aged, dressed in business casual like he just left the office) sits by himself at the bar, sipping his rum & coke, waiting for his Tinder date, and feeling sorry for himself. Loud dance music is playing.
ROBERT: (VO internal thought) Pops would be disgusted if he knew his 45-year-old son was blind internet dating. Heh, he’d probably literally kill me. Rest his soul.
A swarm of well-dressed model types enters the club. Robert watches over his shoulder as the swarm descends on a few VIP booths. In the center of the swarm is TRENT (late 30s, well-coiffed, and the best dressed complete with silk-lined cape and hand-carved cane with a solid platinum handle).
Robert gets up and makes his way through the sea of drunk tourists running into him, spilling his drink.
ROBERT: (shouting over the music) Excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me.
Trent sits in the center flanked by gorgeous women and beautiful men and two bodyguards. Champagne is flowing. He catches Robert’s eye and waves him over. Robert hands his empty glass to a bouncer and winks.
TRENT: Bobby, what a pleasant surprise. I’ve never seen you in here before. You don’t seem like a clubbing kind.
ROBERT: I’m not usually, but Tinder dates, you know. (shrugs)
TRENT: (guffaws) No, thankfully I don’t know. (overly friendly) Come, sit, have some champagne. (to his minions) Pour Bobby a glass of champagne. (to his other side) And make some room for him in the booth.
There’s a flurry of action as the entourage jumps at Trent’s orders.
ROBERT: No thanks. I can’t stay, Tinder date and all.
Trent opens his cape, showing the gun in his shoulder holster.
TRENT: I’m sure you can spare a few minutes.
ROBERT: Oh my God, are you wearing a cape?
TRENT: (through clenched teeth) Sit. Down.
Robert puts his hands up in submission and slides all the way into the booth right next to Trent, as a flute of champagne is placed in front of him.
TRENT: There, that’s better, isn’t it?
ROBERT: (sarcastically) Cozy. That looks expensive. (referring to the champagne)
TRENT: Nothing but the best.
Trent raises his glass and they drink.
TRENT: You know, I’m glad I ran into you.
ROBERT: Yeah? Why is that? Holy shit, is that a pimp cane?
Trent ignores him.
TRENT: I have a favor to ask of you?
ROBERT: Flashing your gun at me is an odd way to ask for a favor, don’tcha think?
Trent pokes Robert in the ribs with his gun, still concealed in his cape.
ROBERT: Easy now, you don’t want to get your hairs out of order. (nods towards Trent’s perfect hair)
TRENT: (clenched teeth, he pounds the table) I’m not asking. I’m telling.
Trent’s table-pounding gets the attention of the GUY sitting on the other side of Robert.
ROBERT: (turns towards the guy) It’s just his syphilis flaring up, makes him testy.
GUY: (shocked and horrified) Big T’s got syphilis?
Robert nods. The guy immediately turns & whispers into the ear of the model sitting next to him.
TRENT: (clenched teeth) Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t waste you right here.
ROBERT: Let’s just calm down a second here. You haven’t even aske—I mean, TOLD me the favor yet.
Trent removes the gun from Robert’s ribs.
TRENT: (clears through and leans closer almost whispering) I want you to call your boss and convince him to front me some stuff, you know, vouch for me.
ROBERT: You know I can’t do that, T. You still owe for the last delivery, and I can’t just go calling up Mr. Dragon and asking for charity, I don’t even have his number. Shit, no one even knows what he looks like.
TRENT: Please, keep your voice down. (looks around) It’s not charity, it’s a deal.
ROBERT: You know how secretive Mr. Dragon is; rumor has it that only his three personal bodyguards have ever seen his face. And they each wear a ring with a hidden cyanide tablet in case they might compromise his identity.
Trent pokes his gun into Robert’s ribs again.
There is a very beautiful but very DRUNK WOMAN on the other side of Trent. She mumbles incoherently across the table.
TRENT: What’s that, baby?
DRUNK WOMAN: (Shouting) Gimme a bump, Daddy, I could really use it.
TRENT: Later. Let the big boys talk.
Robert leans over to talk into Trent’s ear.
ROBERT: Ohhhh, they don’t know you’re out of dope, do they? Tisk tisk. And here I thought they hung around you for your magnetic personality.
TRENT: Shut the fuck up, Bobby. The odds of you getting shot tonight just went up.
ROBERT: Hey sweetheart. Here.
He pushes a small Ziploc baggie of white powder past Trent and in front of the drunk woman. She grabs it and stumbles her way to the bathroom. Trent removes the gun from Robert’s ribs out of appreciation.
TRENT: It’s still pointing at you.
ROBERT: Okay, I guess I can text DINO, but I can’t make any promises. But what do I tell him? What’s this deal.
TRENT: Tell him that if he fronts me half of the regular shipment, I’ll sell it and pay him what owe from the last order. Then he gives me the second half upfront, I sell it and then pay him back for the new shipment I just sold. It’s a win-win-win.
ROBERT: A win-win-win?
TRENT: Yeah, all three of us win. I maintain my lifestyle, Dragon gets all his money, and you don’t get shot.
ROBERT: Ahhh, I see. Alright, I’ll text Dino and see if he’ll get the message to Dragon.
TRENT: I knew you’d see it my way, and put a little effort in, Bobby. You do realize, if this doesn’t fly, I’m gonna have to shoot you. No hard feelings, business is business.
ROBERT: Oh sure, business is business.
Robert acts matter-of-fact and sends his texts, glancing at Trent’s muscle, and scanning the crowd.
ROBERT: Now we wait.
—A FEW MINUTES LATER—
Robert’s phone lights up with a text.
TRENT: Well?
ROBERT: Mr. Dragon agrees.
Trent tries to hide his elation.
TRENT: Excellent. (raising his glass) This is a cause for celebration.
They drink.
ROBERT: Hey, what do ya say we go to the little boys’ room and sample some of the stuff?
TRENT: (Friendlier) That’s a great idea, Bobby. After you, my friend.
They slide out of the booth and Trent tells his thugs to stay put as he follows Robert through the crowd to the bathroom. The music is too loud to hear the click of Trent’s cane on the floor.
INT. MEN’S ROOM – A FEW MINUTES LATER
Robert enters the bathroom followed by Trent. As soon as Trent is in the bathroom, he hears the door lock behind him and feels cold steel against his temple.
GUNMAN: Hands up. Nice and easy. No sudden moves.
Trent looks at Robert who has his arms above his head already.
TRENT: You’re making a big mistake, buddy. Do you know who you’re fucking with?
GUNMAN: I said hands up, nice and slow, Big T.
ROBERT: I guess he does know who he’s fucking with.
Trent gives Robert an if-looks-could-kill look and raises his hands. Robert just shrugs, hands still in the air.
GUNMAN: (To Robert) You there. Reach into his er… are you wearing a cape?
ROBERT: I know, right?
GUNMAN: Reach into his cape and take out the weapon. And no funny business.
Robert gingerly takes the gun from the holster, holding it with his thumb and forefinger like it’s a dead mouse.
GUNMAN: Put it on the floor.
Robert does as he says and puts his hands back up.
TRENT: What the fuck, why didn’t you do something? You had a fucking gun in your hand.
GUNMAN: Shut the fuck up.
The Gunman presses the barrel into Trent’s temple even harder.
Two stall doors open and out walk two huge, overly-muscled men punching their own palms.
TRENT: Who the fuck are you guys?
GUNMAN: I said shut the fuck up.
He cracks Trent in the head with the side of his gun. Trent winces but stays quiet.
GUNMAN: What do you want us to do with him, boss? Kill ‘em?
ROBERT: (lowers hands) No, he still owes me from the last shipment.
Trent looks up at Robert in shock.
TRENT: You? YOU! You’re Dragon?
ROBERT: Guilty.
TRENT: But all that bullshit out there… you were just toying with me? Fuck me. You didn’t even have a date you came here looking for me.
Robert smiles and shrugs.
ROBERT: Well, gentlemen, I must be going. You all have fun playing together.
TRENT: Wait, Bobby, er I mean Mr. Dragon. What about our deal?
ROBERT: (to his thugs) Do whatever you boys want with him, but he does owe me 50 grand so, leave him breathing at least.
TRENT: (near tears) Mr. Dragon, wait, please.
ROBERT: Sorry Trent. Nothing personal, business is business.
Robert exits the bathroom just as the violence erupts, and he disappears into the crowd.
END SCENE
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George – If you like to exchange notes – my email is, ejluskwriter@gmail.com thx
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Great scene, George! But… I liked your first version better.
As a rule, I go with Robert McKee’s dim view of voice overs. Sometimes they work, but usually they’re put in place to cover a weakness in the script.
In your first version, you had Robert score with the Tinder date at the end. What if he’s this secret drug kingpin, but his Tinder date stands him up? And he has low self-esteem, so he expects that outcome.
ROBERT: I’m not usually, but Tinder dates, you know.
Maybe here, instead of being vague, he could predict that she won’t show. (After all, a woman going on a first Tinder date wouldn’t know he’s a big shot.) That could create a funny paradox in his traits. He’s the Dragon, but where women are concerned, he’s riddled with insecurity.
When he gives a “bump” to the woman at Trent’s table, maybe he’s more tentative, and Trent grabs the baggie and pretends it’s from him (utilizing his subtext.)
Also, Robert has gone to such lengths to keep anyone from knowing who he is… yet he reveals it to Trent? When you have Robert raise his hands in the men’s room, that was a great ploy. It seems like he’s also under attack. Maybe the gunman seems to threaten Robert too, and it’s only revealed to the audience the he’s really The Dragon.
You could have one of the guys take Robert out of the restroom, and maybe we think he’s in trouble, which utilizes the Uncertainty – hope/fear interest technique… and then we have the interest technique of Mislead/Reveal when we find out that he’s the Dragon.
In your first version, the introduction to both Robert and Trent crackled with action. Less so in the rewrite. For me, the jokes about the cape fell flat as a running gag. Trent actually seemed more dangerous in the first version. Though I would have to add “reckless” to his list of traits, since he seemed to believe he could kill Robert in front of everybody at the club.
I guess what I learned from doing this critique is that the process of improving the quality may be more difficult on a scene that is already pretty good.
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Thanks for the critique, Kristina.
I agree with you, I also liked the first version, but I thought I needed to make a) ROBERT more obviously self-loathing, b) TRENT more lavish, and c) make TRENT more conspiring, and finally, d) I wanted to try to get my six pages down to four, which Hal had mentioned in one of the critique videos.
I love your ideas about keeping the Dragon’s identity secret by not telling TRENT. I would definitely use that. And would nix the cape and the VO, for sure.
Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate that you took the time.
G
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Hi George. I had some thoughts on your scene if you don’t mind.
First off very cool scene, I like it!
I agree with Kristina. I thought your first pass of this flowed better and the dialogue had more snap. There’s more telling than showing in this version especially in the beginning.
Maybe this is just me but I’m having an issue with both characters motivations upon meeting. Robert goes over to Trent’s table to say Hi. Which doesn’t seem like a driving motivation. He may have a subtext that he wants something from Trent because secretly he’s the Dragon but he seems to be in a reaction mode to Trent the whole time they are at the table .Roberts motivation could be clearer if this is part of a plan to punish Trent or get him to do something Robert wants done in exchange for not killing him over a bad deal? Trent actually has a deal he wants Robert to pass on to Dragon but he just bumps into Robert when he comes over? So he has this very driven need but it seems kind of accidental that Trent gets to act on it. Idk.
Also If Trent Humiliates Robert more in front of the whole table I think there would be a great contrast for what happens later when Robert turns the tables in the bathroom. Plus if Robert was more meek or nerdy it would be a better cover for being the dragon.
Also in the bathroom if the Gunman knocks Trent out and then turns to Robert and asks what do you want done with him Mr. Dragon. We Know that Robert is the Dragon but Trent doesn’t yet. More in keeping with a secret identity. That might be more of a dramatic irony reveal and have more punch? More of a button on the scene to make it pop.
I guess my final thought would be that this could be cut by half. There’s a lot of busy back and forth conflict that doesn’t seem to raise in intensity. More like it stays on the same level. Especially at the table.
I really like some of the dialogue here. The pinkie rings full of cyanide and it’s a win-win-win. Cool stuff.
I think this could really rock with some revision and a little bit of clarification of motivations. Thanks! I’m just reading this fast and loose so if I get anything wrong, my apologies.
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Thank you for taking the time to critique my scene, Gary.
I liked the first version more as well, I just pretended I was getting producer notes and filling where I thought deficiencies were, but yeah, I agree.
I love your ideas about keeping the Dragon’s identity secret by not telling TRENT, Kristina suggested that as well and I think it would be an awesome detail.
The motivation is lacking, I know. The first draft was more that ROBERT(Dragon) “accidentally on purpose” runs into TRENT, and then presents a plan to TRENT so he (Dragon) could get the money TRENT owes him, so I tried to flip it so that the deal was TRENT’s idea to show he was conspiring, but I guess drug dealers are automatically conspiring now that I think about it.
I definitely need to work on trimming things down, I tried to reduce my original of 6 pages down to 4, but the scene suffered. I hope to learn more throughout the class about editing out stuff that doesn’t serve the scene/script. So feel free to make any suggestions in the future.
Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate that you took the time.
G
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Hi George, my notes….
Scene Arc – Intent – From Celebration to Ass Kicking
Your slug line reads, “Mardi Gras”, that is a celebration setting for sure. You can do more with the setting details to help elevate the celebration feel. Trent’s celebrating. There’s also mention of celebration , champagne, etc, but that’s mid-scene. Ass Kicking – There’s an implied ass kicking at the scene’s end, to what extent is not quite fleshed out. Use more action there to convey it.
Scene Situation – One character is lured into a back room where he is beat up.
Lured – yes, the use of cocaine sampling by Robert to lure Trent is good and within character and story.
Technically a bathroom is not a back room. Night clubs have backrooms too, perhaps you can work that location into the situation instead, or change the entire location within Mardi Gras, or a different celebration event.
Robert’s Subtext – loves creating gossip about other people and watch it take them down.
Gossiping found; Trent’s syphilis flare up, Trent’s out of dope, however, gossiping to Trent about Trent’s problem seems clunky. Maybe the “out of dope” gossip can be told someone else? Continued gossip, about the Dragon shared with Trent. Perhaps take the opportunity when Robert’s opening at the bar, either to seek out gossip or spread it. Right away we’ll know his subtext is that of a gossiper.
Look over other opportunities for adding the subtext in the dialogue. More subtext the better.
Trent’s Subtext – pretends he is wealthy to get people to do the things he wants —at their expense.
Trent’s hanging out in a flashy night club, drinking expensive champagne, has a posse – all good! Talks in a smarmy way. Good contrast to the solo Robert. Trent proposes a win, win, win, deal , demonstrating some financial wheeling & dealing. Seems Robert’s subtext is a little stronger. Look for additional ways to express subtext further into the scene.
Robert’s Traits
Smooth – expressed towards the end of the scene, definitely a more collected person compared to Trent. Robert’s cool under pressure, based on his action. Try a little more smoothness in dialogue to go with that.
Secretive – sure, double identity , keeping a secret , Tinder date lie, all good.
Gregarious – no, not really. Actually he comes off more on the somber side.
Low Self Esteem – you tell us at the beginning – “feeling sorry for himself” He’s not happy about a Tinder date. But, if understand the Tinder date was all a ruse to meet Trent. If that is the case, Low Self Esteem, in this scene is more of an act, than a trait. Does Robert use drugs, or just sell them? I see a drug user as a low self esteem trait. Investigate this a little more to express this trait more authentically.
Trent’s Traits
Conspiring – sure, involving, Robert, the Dragon, himself in drug dealing.
Aggressive – sure , using the guns, forcing a deal, general menacing, dialogue threats.
Meticulous – if we going by his attire and accessories; cape & cane, maybe, he seems more eccentric details. Stronger trait with attention to the drug deal details, which is good. He’s not a generalist in this case.
Needy -well , he needs the deal and he needs Roberts help to get the deal. These seem more needed for his survival than ego. He getting attention with his attire, if that is the purpose of it, however he does not acknowledge the attention it draws. I see a needy trait as someone seeking always validation and approval. I think this is a difficult trait to pull off for someone aggressive too! I struggled with it as well.
Essence & Techniques –
The essence of the scene – for me it comes across as – these guys are all users, they use others to get what they want, not an authentic bone in their bodies. Bad dudes really, which makes for good characters ! Well done.
Suspense – I’m trouble that the characters are waiting for the Dragon’s reply. Imagine if this scene was being filmed. What happens? These characters are just sitting at the table waiting for a text. The audience will find this awkward. You can have ,” A beat,” which s just a moment , but not actual minutes. There’s suspense in there once Robert and Trent meet and we’re wondering what’s up. That’s all good. Then what going to happen at the end with the gunman. This action has potential for. ore suspense and character expression. Correct the technical expression of “minutes” of the suspense and you’ll be fine.
Major Twist – Good couple of those and unexpected.
Surprise – Why does Trent wear a cape? The answer could be surprising. Could Robert leave with, or make a move on one of Trent’s ladies, maybe there’s a surprise there too.
Interesting Setting – kind of a cliche, drug dealers meeting in a night club. I love the idea of Mardi Gras, think about a less traditional setting within a Mardi Gras that will work.
Mislead/Reveal – The Tinder Date set up, (I love Trent’s reaction to no ever being on Tinder) Ever consider Trent’s gun not having bullets? That could be revealed in the bathroom. BTW – “holding it with his thumb and forefinger like it’s a dead mouse” great action description, more of this style will be great.
Character Changes – Robert certainly does, Trent become more of a wimp, too, so good on both cases. Subtle and not over the top.
Betrayal – I think if Robert’s and Trent’s relationship was more than good buddies the betrayal will have more impact. Did someone save another’s life at one time? Were they in a war, team mates? Perhaps a deeper relationship level will give the betrayal more sting. I think I’ll use that in my scene too!
Superior Position Irony – didn’t see any. We, the audience, don’t have inside I formation. You could somehow foreshadow either characters true intentions, carefully, so not to tip them off but build more misleading information from the start.
Uncertain Hope/Fear – Does Robert hope, Trent will take the bait and make a deal? That’s indeterminate. What is Robert’s fear if he doesn’t? Trent has something to lose for sure. Robert has the upper hand all along. Trent’s hope/fear more evident with the drug deal. You could build up Trent’s hope and fear once they get to the bathroom. More toying with his fate.
Intrigue – Yes , we don’t immediately know exactly what Trent wants, or why he’s in a fix. Robert’s out of place in a night club. How do they know each other, other than drug dealing? (Maybe we should know that) There’s mystery/intrigue built into the scene – great!
Good job, keep working on the dialogue to express subtext and traits. Explore a different setting within Mardi Gras, or other celebration time and place. The Arc is there, the subtext needs additional expression. Traits are evident and building. We just need a clearer picture into these characters past relationships and how they express their mutual distrust and their knack for using others to get what they need. I don’t like these guys, which is because of good writing job on your part!
Ed
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Thanks for taking the time to give me this valuable feedback.
You are so right about the wait while the texting is happening. I think that would be a good time for the DRUNK WOMAN to interrupt and they do the little baggie hand-off, which I didn’t think of until reading your feedback, so thank you for that! Very cool.
And I agree about my use of subtext; I hope to improve on that as well as learn how to effectively edit a scene down to make it direct and to the point as far as the page length goes.
I appreciate that you took the time to read and critique, Edward, thanks.
G
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Hi George,
I enjoyed your scene and the good use of character traits, especially on Robert. I enjoyed him very much. His smoothness was evident all through the scene when his confidence showed up. For example, when Trent was flashing a gun at him (Trent’s aggressive trait and needy) Robert says, “Easy now, you don’t want to get your hairs out of order.”
Also, the interest techniques were evident: surprise/twist at the end when Robert is Mr. Dragon; you used mislead/reveal when we thought Robert was a great, funny, guy and pow he was Mr. Dragon.
Trent’s meticulous trait was set up in the narrative when you he entered and you described his dress and cane. His aggressive trait showed throughout. For example, “Shut the fuck up, Bobby. The odds of you getting shot tonight just went up.”
Not seeing any real things to consider improving, except maybe, the scene is long and you could look for some places to trim.
I think you are getting traits and interest techniques. Keep up the good work. best, Judith
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REWRITE
INT. BALLROOM OF A SUPER YACHT – NEW YEARS EVE
The dance floor is pack with super rich reverie seekers all poised for the countdown.
3…2…1…Midnight!
Corks pop, streamers fly, and noise makers are blown. Everyone kisses someone.
Except Melissa and Robert who stand facing each other. Melissa in disbelief.
Melissa
I don’t believe you!
ROBERT
I don’t relish my role as truth Sayer, but I felt you had the right to know.
Robert puts a consoling hand on Melissa’s shoulder.
ROBERT
I am truly sorry.
She jerks away from him.
MELISSA
Don’t touch me!
And storms off through the crowd.
Robert smirks. Finishes his flut of champagne.
EXT. PORT DECK – SAME
Fleeing the party, she runs smack into Robert.
ROBERT
There you are. I’m terribly sorry we missed midnight, I was glad handing the prince of something or somewhere, but I will make it up to you.
MELISSA
Leave me alone!
ROBERT
My dear, what’s the matter?
She takes off her engagement ring and drops it overboard into the ocean.
MELISSA
I never want to see you again!
Robert watches as she bolts down the gangplank to an awaiting boat to take her to shore.
ROBERT
Melissa! What?! Melissa, darling, come back!
INT. BALLROOM – SAME
Trent pushes his way through the crowd to Robert.
TRENT
We have to talk! In private!
ROBERT
Lead the way, el’ capitan.
INT. STORAGE CABIN BELOW DECK – SAME
Trent slams the bulkhead door behind him.
TRENT
What were you thinking?
ROBERT
I think about a lot of things, you’re going to have to be more specific —
TRENT
— the Greek deal? Shipping? Ring a bell?
ROBERT
Oh that? That didn’t quite turn out like we had hoped.
TRENT
Jesus, Robert! I spent 2 years, meticulously convincing Melissa’s father to extend me that line of credit and you cratered it in less than an afternoon. I needed you to step up!
ROBERT
Yes, well if it was so important, why the hell did you put me in charge of it then?
TRENT
And what, pray tell, did you say to Melissa?
ROBERT
Why? What did she say, I said?
TRENT
The engagements off. She has left me.
ROBERT
You’re better off really. We both know you were just marrying the poor dumpling for her family’s money.
Trent’s fist slams into Roberts’s face. Robert falls back into a pile of Perrier water.
TRENT
I want you off my boat, out of my boardroom and out of my life.
Trent storms out of the cabin leaving Robert there.
ROBERT
(To himself)
Sorry, but I don’t think I can do that old friend.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by gary weskrna.
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Hi, Gary,
A few thoughts on your scene.
It looks like the conversation at EXT. PORT DECK – SAME should be between TRENT and Melissa.
I like that you changed the Robert/Melissa exchange into something more insidious than just him trying to kiss her — which reflects badly on Robert, but not on Trent. We need to see what Robert could possibly say to Melissa that made her throw away her ring and never want to see her fiancé again, without even questioning him.
When Trent pushes his way through the crowd to confront Robert, the reader assumes it’s going to be about whatever Robert told Melissa… but that doesn’t top Trent’s list of grievances. If it doesn’t matter to Trent, it doesn’t matter to us.
The introduction of the line of credit from Melissa’s father is juicy. How about in the first encounter, if Robert gives Melissa proof that Trent only loves her for her money…rather than just having Robert passively say it to Trent.
Can we see Trent being meticulous in drawing the truth out of Robert?
You could include the interest technique Uncertainty – hope/fear by making us care about Trent’s relationship with Melissa. Maybe it’s not true that Trent is only interested in Melissa for the money and he really loves her. Then there’s more at stake when he loses her.
There’s no reversal in Trent hitting Robert, since anyone would be angry in that situation. Since Trent wants Robert off the boat, rather than having him declare that wish, what if he tricks Robert into falling overboard? That would make a splash! Then you could give Trent the last line.
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Thanks for the feedback! Your right I totally messed up the Trent/ Robert name tags on the Port deck. Fail. Great idea having Trent trick Robert into falling overboard. That would a better use of the setting. And I agree that there’s no reversal at the end. It should be a celebration in the beginning which I shortchanged and that turns into an ass kicking at the end. I got hung up trying to fit in the character traits and max interest techniques and didn’t pay enough attention to the overall shape of the scene.
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Hi Gary – My notes….
I read the note about the Melissa and the Trent/Robert mix up on the Port Deck, took that into consideration when reading.
Scene Arc – Celebration to Ass Kicking
Setting is a yacht on New Year’s Eve, not a more celebratory time – and some atmosphere thrown in for marking where on NYE time line we are. Good! The Ass Kicking? Incomplete- Robert takes a punch, not much of ass kicking. Just elevate this to meet the producer’s violent wishes.
Scene situation – One Character is lured into a back room where he is beat up – I guess a cabin storage room will have to do given this is a yacht. In reality this location would be something to clarify with a producer before proceeding.
The Luring part – Robert’s not so much lured, as ordered to the storage room by Trent. If the whole sabotage the engagement was part of the luring, I didn’t see the connection. My sense of “luring” requires some dangling carrot to get one person to go somewhere where they feel insecure about going. I think that’s a suspense builder. Use more luring , less telling, should do it.
Roberts Subtext -loves creating gossip about other people and watch it take them down.
We meet Robert telling gossip, although we have no details. I’d mention Trent’s name in the gossip so to frame Melissa later encounter with Trent. The dialogue and set up are good, missed chance for using techniques deeper.
Trent’s Subtext – pretends he is wealthy to get people to do the things he wants —at their expense.
Through his opening dialogue, there’s a hint Trent hob knobs with the rich and famous. Don’t know if he’s pretending, or not. His manner of speaking gives him a little snob appeal , which is good. I’d take more advantage of Melissa throwing the ring over board and the break up. All too quick. This is fertile action which can provide a more developed and profound reaction.
After the character introductions, I don’t get much more subtext. The scene is a bit rushed. There is a good foundation to developed subtext further. The character are coming into view but we should experience more of them overall.
Scene Essence -My take is – we have a gold digger called out and there are consequences.
Robert’s Traits
Smooth – Sips champagne, comforts the victim of his gossip. He’s Self-deprecating. Cool under Trent’s interrogation. Good!
Secretive- “I think about a lot of things, you’re going to have to be more specific” Implies being evasive. Deals that did not work out, absence of details, in this situation is good.
Gregarious -Don’t see Gregarious when I see Trent.
Low Self Esteem – the fact he’s gossiping to hurt others the build himself up is evidence, but that also subtext. He’s insecure , which is a symptom of Low esteem, that’s good. Failed deals may be result of self sabotage and therefore low esteem. Build on this more, it helps explain his actions.
I like the way this line is written- but for me it’s a Trent line, not Robert’s, when it comes to capturing the character’s voice – “You’re better off really. We both know you were just marrying the poor dumpling for her family’s money.”
Trent’s Traits
Conspiring- Trent’s a deal maker, don’t know if the deals are underhanded or illegal. Just he’s involved, with who, other than Robert, not clear either. Pump up who and why the conspiracy.
Aggressive – He punches Robert, so yes. Slams a door. But, he lets Mellissa just walk away without a fight. He’s kind of passive aggressive thus far.
Meticulous- He tells us he is. We go with that.
Needy – Truly needy from an emotional point of view is constantly seeking approval and validation from others. He needs Robert to “ step up” but that’s a performance issue, not emotional support, like, I need others to…like me, tell me I’m great, hang out with me. Needy are not good a recognizing borders. Build this trait up more.
Overall, because the scene’s a bit short, there’s a strong foundation to keep developing their traits . These characters are beginning not to like, or trust, one another. We just need to experience it more.
Interest Techniques:
Suspense- Mentioned – it rushed scene, suspense is fleeting.
Major Twist – We have a break up, the weddings off, because of Robert’s gossiping. Poor Melissa we hardy knew her. Robert implies at the end , this is not over – this is good.
Surprise – Melissa throws her ring overboard. Trent cold cocks Trent. Any more?
Interesting Setting – I like the yacht , fits with the characters. Perhaps a little more atmosphere.
Character Changes – I don’t see a change in character.
Betrayal – A good betrayal requires strong, emotional, relationships. Betrayals are meant to hurt, to maim another person. Because we don’t see much lost between Melissa and Trent, we don’t care much that Robert was to blame. Conversely, Robert failing Trent on his deals feels more of incompetence than lost trust.
Super Position/Irony – At the end – Trent does not hear Robert’s implied threat.
Uncertainty = Hope/Fear – not sensing much of either to be honest. Maybe there is hope for Trent with Robert out of his life? If there is fear he stays, that should be elevated.
Intrigue – Hints of it. Super Yacht, rich people, International dealings with unscrupulous people. With better character development, we see it even more.
Over all , got the makings of profound characters, their situation, and stakes. Just keep developing it. It rushed at this point which cuts off opportunities for more layering all the good stuff! There are hints of crafty dialogue. Let your characters talk more. I like where it is going. Hope you do to!
Ed
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Thanks for your notes! I really like the way you broke everything down. Made it easy to digest and take action upon. I would change the way I did the critiques to copy your way. It makes much more sense than trying to do it whole cloth without a guide.
I agree with most of your points. I could certainly do a better job of “luring” and both their subtexts need to be clarified.
I need to have a better grasp of the essence of the scene to expand it. It changed from my first draft to the rewrite, and it still feels slippery, like it needs clarification.
I didn’t try and use all the Max interest traits this time around, so some are missing. I should go back and try and find opportunities to insert some more. That hopefully could give me ideas how to expand the scene and bring melissa into it more.
But in regard to this exercise, where I think it really could use some strengthening, is with the character traits. I think part of the reason I miss name tagged the characters on the Port deck scene is the traits seemed to shift in my head back and forth. I need to pay better attention to that.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time. I appreciate it!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by gary weskrna.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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Ed’s Rewrite for Critique. Lesson # 5 – QE Cycle # 1.
EXT. MARINA – NIGHT
Dense fog envelopes the criss-cross of gang planks and docks. Various size and types of boats held fast by the CREAKING spring lines. Somewhere beyond, the rhythmic DING of a marker buoy.
At the end of the pier, the marina office cast off an eerie glow from the lights within. Neon, “LIVE BAIT”, and “BOAT RENTAL” signs on the roof add color to the gray night.
INT. MARINA OFFICE – NIGHT
The walls and shelves are lined with every item a mariner could use. ROBERT, 20’s cuts bait using an incredibly sharp knife. His slices the fish with an unenthusiastic motions while casting a sideways glance at iPAD playing a porn video.
PING, goes the front door bell. A WOMEN enters. Her pampered looks hide her true age. Her couture says money. She covers her nose and mouth with a laced handkerchief. Their eyes meet.
Robert nods his head at the door leading to the back room. A sign reads, “NO ADMITTANCE.”
Without consideration, she passes Robert. Her stilettos CLICK CLACK, the floor boards. She enters the back room then closes the door behind her. Robert chucks the severed head of a fish into a bucket under the counter.
EXT. – MARINA – NIGHT
A sleek cigarette boat chugs up to the dock. A man throws overboard the fenders, nudging the vessel away from the dock. He hops out of the boat in a single athlete move. He waste no time securing the bow and stern lines with perfect nots. This is TRENT, 40’s.
INT. MARINA OFFICE – NIGHT
Trent’s boat running lights draws Robert’s attention outside.
ROBERT
It’s showtime.
A Beat.
The front door PINGS again. Robert slaps down the iPAD. Trent enters dressed head to toe in Henri-Lloyd. His tanned face glows under the dime office lights. Robert’s face lights up in wide smile. He wipes his fish gut soaked hands over his soiled coveralls.
ROBERT
Trent! Mi Amigo! Let the party begin!
TRENT
Don’t you dare touch me, Robert.
Robert averts Trent’s piercing glare.
ROBERT
When I think of success I only need to look at you, my friend. I’ll gas the boat up before I leave. The owner will never know it was gone.
Trent looks around the dreary space.
TRENT
Damn right you will. We’re alone, right?
ROBERT
Just you, me, and the fishes.
Some MOANING is heard from the iPAD.
TRENT
Don’t lie to me!
ROBERT
It’s just the video…iPAD…I’ll shut it off.
Robert fumbles with the iPAD. He watches Trent eases his hand inside his jacket pocket. Robert maintains a wide smile but his eyes convey alarm. Trent withdraws two expensive cigars. Robert exhales.
Trent reaches over the counter, careful not to touch anything, laying a cigar down.
TRENT
God of Fire Serie Aniversario
Robert smells his, inhaling deeply the aroma.
ROBERT
These aren’t counterfeits, are they?
TRENT
As if you would fuckity-duckity know.
Robert glances at the NO SMOKING sign above the propane tank storage rack. Trent stares him down to compliance.
ROBERT
What harm can it do?
Robert slices off the tip of the cigar with the fillet knife. It’s sharpness not lost on Trent as he watches Robert slowly reaches into his pocket removing a flint lighter. He holds it up. Trent nods. With a flick of the wrist it flames. He lights his cigar, then offers same to Trent.
Trent leans over, eyes locked on Robert, as he puffs away like a locomotive. Robert’s eyes tear from the smoke. He suppresses a cough. Trent withdraws into a cloud of smoke.
TRENT
You’ve done good, Robert.
ROBERT
I am here to please.
TRENT
But now you must do more for me.
ROBERT
Our agreement was one and done. Wasn’t it? I mean, I’d feel terrible if I was wrong.
Trent sighs deeply. He puffs out his chest cloaked by the over-priced nylon jacket.
TRENT
My, clients, for a lack of a better word, are wealthy people, connected people, dangerous individuals who I do not take lightly, and neither should you.
Trent takes out from his belt line a stuffed envelope and tosses it onto the counter. It lands among the fish pieces, parts. Robert laughs deeply but doesn’t dare – take the bait.
ROBERT
You want to get catch the big fish, you need the right bait. Am I right?
TRENT
I’m glad you understand. I could partner with anyone. I simply choose you for your…naivety.
ROBERT
In other words you think I’m stupid.
Trent slaps the counter hard. Fish parts bounce. The knife falls to the floor impaled upright in the floor board next to his shoe. He speaks in a controlled staccato. His nose flaring with every word.
TRENT
I do not think you’re stupid, Robert. I choose you because I trust you. I choose you because above all else you understand the bonds of loyalty.
(retrieves the knife from the floor)
I reward my associates, so as long as we continue to understand one another.
Trent stabs the knife back into the counter close to the envelope. Robert flinches.
TRENT
Aren’t you going to open it?
Robert
I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that word around the docks is you are not the person you pretend to be. Someone said you double crossed the wrong people, even killed a competitor, and now you’re on the run.
TRENT
Who said that? Tell me! Tell me right now or I’ll gut you like mackerel, so help me god!
ROBERT
Easy, easy Trent-ster. It’s just drunken sailor talk. You know, same losers that caught a fish
(spreading his hands) this big.
TRENT
Look at you. You won’t stand up for the truth or yourself. You hide behind rumors and gossip. Maybe I should be the one to give you something to spread like manure. You know that bitch, Amoreena? Well, I will take care of her next. You hear that? So don’t fuck with me , Robert.
There’s a THUD heard from behind the back room door. Robert freezes, Trent advances.
TRENT
Who the fuck is that? You said we’re alone.
ROBERT
Probably just a marina cat. Just chill-out. Okay?
Robert tosses his cigar into the bucket of fish parts. It sizzles then extinguishes.
TRENT
Bullshit I will.
Trent blows past Robert in a trail of cigar smoke. Robert makes no attempt to stop him. Trent jimmies the backroom door knob. It won’t open.
TRENT
Why is this locked?
ROBERT
It’s not locked. I swear, just sticks a little.
Robert rams his shoulder into the door. The, “No Admittance,” sign falls off of the door.
INT. MARINA OFFICE – BACK ROOM – NIGHT
The door burst open, revealing darkness, and HUMMING of refrigerators. The overhead light flicks on. In the shadows stands, AMOREENA – our well dressed femme fatale. The sight of her turns Trent’s tan face to pale white.
TRENT
Amoreena, but how?
Trent turns to flee only finding Robert’s fist connecting squarely to his jaw. The expensive cigar goes flying out of his foul mouth.
Trent staggers against one of the refrigerators. He shakes it off only to catch an uppercut snapping his head back. He sinks against the wall. His last rally defeated by Robert’s boot smashing into his chest sending him flying out the window.
Trent crashes into the inky drink below. The splash high enough to reach up to the window where Amoreena and Robert peer down at him sinking.
INT. MARINA – OFFICE – NIGHT
Robert and Amoreena square off in front of the counter. Her bejeweled fingers plucks the knife out of the counter. Robert swallow hard. With a graceful flick of her delicate wrist, she slices open Trent’s envelope.
Out falls cut up magazine pages and newspapers. Worthless currency, if they ever was.
AMOREENA
We’re even now. Consider this a favor.
Amoreena pats Robert on the cheek then swaggers out the front door. Robert collapse over the counter as a small fire erupts behind him.
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Hi Edward. I was going to give a couple thoughts on your scene. Hope you don’t mind.
Love the Marine setting, very interesting and unique. Really dig the salt of the sea Robert Character well defined. And he contrasts well with the rich elite Trent character. Then you throw a Brigid O’Shaughnessy type character from the Maltese Falcon in, which I dig.
So, at first I thought the Trent character was being blackmailed by Robert. But then I realized that the Robert character was working for Trent. But then it seemed as if both characters were partners and they were double crossing each other. I’m not sure. I think I had the same issue rewriting my scene. We were all concentrated on incorporating the interest techniques and character traits that we lost sight of the motivations and rising conflict of the scene. So some of the first take on our scenes flowed better. Just my opinion.
I love some of the dialogue like ill gut you like this mackerel and you need the right bait to catch a big fish. Very subtext heavy in a good way.
Not sure about that last scene with Amoreena and Robert. Seems incomplete. Is Robert dead? Anyway, hope something I wrote helps and thanks for posting!
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Thanks Gary, yes, for sure still got some work yet to do. I was aiming for a noir feel, glad to see it recongnized. You sum it up well – losing sight of motivations…focusing on technique’s etc. Good learnings and a way to improve. I’ll make some. notes for you.
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INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
An old house, converted into a funeral home. The room is a still life in muted colors: no windows, a closed door on either side, and furnished with two conservatively upholstered couches and a side table with black bunting. ROBERT (30s) and JOEY (50s) enter, flooding the room briefly with MAUDLIN ORGAN MUSIC coming from the main room. Silence descends instantly when Robert clicks the door shut. Every gesture of Robert’s is calculated to be soothing, giving the impression that he’s moving under water. His hair is impeccable, his black suit is well-fitted to his slim form. Joey’s tall, stocky, barrel-chested body is attired in black, but it’s a corduroy coat and nice jeans. This is a working-class guy with few occasions to dress up. Joey towers over Robert, who uses his inside voice. Joey is loud.
ROBERT
Let’s talk in here, shall we? We mustn’t upset people.JOEY
They’re already upset. His nose was never like that. Our mother’s torn up about it.ROBERT
I understand.JOEY
(punching his fist in his other palm)
What you’re not understanding is, I wanna have a conversation with the guy in charge of the nose. Cause that there is not a reconstruction. And we paid out the nose.
(realizing his unintended pun, proud of his wit)
Maybe I should reconstruct somebody’s nose.
(threatening)
Hey, was it you? Who made my brother deformed?ROBERT
Oh, no, no, no. But I will see if I can locate the person responsible. I’m sure we can reach an understanding.JOEY
Don’t count on it.Robert crosses to the other door, opposite from the ‘music’ door, and opens it.
ROBERT
If you’ll just have a seat in the Grieving Room. Down the hall and turn right.JOEY
(punches a fist into his other palm)
You send him to me. I’ll deliver some grief.ROBERT
Yes, sir. It may take the tiniest moment to locate him. Thank you for your patience. I will return.JOEY
See that you do.Joey exits. Robert closes the door and, after looking aghast in that direction for a moment, quietly locks it. He paces, running his hand superficially over his perfectly coiffed hair, so as not to mess it up. TRENT (45) enters. A phrase of the MAUDLIN MUSIC seeps in till the door closes again. Trent’s blond hair is limp and shoulder length. His suit coat is black, but his garish tie is completely inappropriate for a funeral director. He’s bigger than Robert, but much less imposing than Joey. He opens his coat, where he has concealed a bottle of champagne.
TRENT
We did it, my man. Our one-hundredth corpse.Trent pulls a champagne glass from each pocket of his coat.
ROBERT
What are you–? What if they were to see? Those people are in mourning!TRENT
Somebody died. Of course, they’re mourning.Trent pops the cork, taking delight in the mini explosion. Robert glances at the locked door—nothing. He then hurries to the other door and opens it a crack, spies out. The MAUDLIN ORGAN MUSIC plays, till Robert quietly, quietly—very Tell-Tale Heart—shuts the door again.
Trent extends a glass to Robert, who waves it away.
TRENT
C’mon, Bob.Robert winces at ‘Bob.’
TRENT (CONT’D)
Robert. Drink with me. Our worries are over, dude. Between the coronavirus and the reckless drivers, we’re actually gonna ace our quarterlies. C’mon, don’t make me drink alone.ROBERT
From what I’ve heard, you don’t mind drinking alone.TRENT
Ouch. Please, Robert. Roberto. Do me a favor. Don’t spread rumors.Robert considers Trent a moment, then snatches the glass and guzzles the contents.
TRENT (CONT’D)
That’s the ticket.Robert, having appeased Trent, slaps the empty glass back in his hand and resumes pacing.
ROBERT
Yesterday, Desmond dropped his tools and walked out.TRENT
Which one’s he? The embalmer?ROBERT
The cosmetologist. His paycheck bounced. Obviously, the bank made a mistake. But your phone was off?TRENT
Desmond. That’s the guy you caught whacking off–ROBERT
Watching porn. It’s hardly–TRENT
What kind of sicko gets his jollies while gluing a skull back together? Good riddance. You can fill in for a few days, right?ROBERT
It’s essentially plastic surgery! I can apply foundation and rouge—that’s about it. Desmond has years of training! Just to sew shut the mouths and eyes–TRENT
What’s the big deal? Didn’t you ever mend a sock?ROBERT
(gesturing to the ‘music’ door)
I’ve had complaints about this customer’s nose job. The mother seems to feel I got it wrong, and I have this sinking feeling that no amount of smooth talk will help.TRENT
Bob, Bob, Bobby. The guy went through a windshield. Maybe his dear old ma should have taught him to use a seatbelt.ROBERT
You want to go out there and say that to her?Trent’s body language – he’s up for it. Robert waves him off and goes back to pacing. Trent smirks and pours himself another glassful. Robert stops.
ROBERT
Why did Desmond’s paycheck bounce? With your deep pockets–TRENT
I needed liquid for a deal that, by the way, could make us extremely rich.ROBERT
So without asking me, without even mentioning it, you put our operating funds into a “deal.”
(a beat, aghast)
You’re not gambling with Bitcoin again?TRENT
Digital gold. It’s where everything’s trending. And it’s not gambling. I just needed a little gas for the Ethereum. I got burned using a cold wallet before, so I lost a bundle. But this time around I’ve put us into Non-Fungible Tokens, my wallet’s hot and my key is private and secure.Robert stares at him, incredulous.
ROBERT
Hot wallet. Cold wallet. Networks. Gas. And these– these– fungus–TRENT
NFTs.ROBERT
(snaps his fingers)
While back here on Planet Earth, we’ve got a negative bank balance and a botched nose job. Which doesn’t add up to the rosy picture you painted in your spreadsheets.TRENT
Okay, calm down. Ya gotta hold on. Just hold on, we’ll ride this wave and come through the other side. But please don’t bail on me, Bobby boy. You’re so good at this. The way you handle those ‘rona widows. Bobby baby, it’s art, watching you work.ROBERT
Could you please stop calling me that.TRENT
Whatever makes you happy. It’s small stuff. You wanta sweat it? Sure, okay. But remember – we both went into this proposition with our eyes wide open. And boy howdy, I’m glad I did. Cause this industry will never be short of customers.ROBERT
Desmond was wondering, and I have to agree, just what exactly you bring to the table.TRENT
I take it to the next level. Plus, Bobby dearest, we have a contract.Robert seethes.
TRENT (CONT’D)
C’mon, I’m making you a rich man, Bob. Bobbert. What are you gonna do? Beat me up?ROBERT
Desmond saw you at the Wag-a-Bag buying a pile of scratch-off tickets.TRENT
Is that what you told him? That I gamble? And does he know you snitched about his kinky tendencies?ROBERT
Never mind. What do I do about these people? The mother claims I turned her son into a Grotesque. That’s the term she used.TRENT
You want me to talk to her?ROBERT
Would you? I’m skilled at comforting people in their distress. I don’t do well when they’re angry.TRENT
Okay. All I need from you is, cover our costs for just like, another week. Two, tops. Just till I can shift some money around.Robert presses his lips together in frustration.
ROBERT
In that case, I’ll need one thing more from you.TRENT
Name it.ROBERT
Tell the family you were the one who worked on the nose.Trent takes a moment, recognizes a deal breaker when he sees one, so nods his agreement. He tips both the bottle and the glass, ensuring they’re empty, then sets them down on the table. He adjusts his tie and starts towards the ‘music’ door. Robert stops him, points towards the locked door.
ROBERT
It’s the guy’s brother. Uh, Joey, I think his name is. He’s waiting in the Grieving Room.TRENT
Don’t worry. By the time I get through with this guy, he’ll think we did him a favor, re-arranging that nose.Trent tries the locked door, casts Robert a surprised look. Shrugs, unbolts it, and exits.
Robert waits a moment, then quietly locks the door again. He smiles, savoring the moment. Then he kicks into action: stashes the bottle and glasses under the black bunting, smooths his already impossibly smooth hair, assumes a tragic expression, takes a deep breath, and crosses the room to exit towards the maudlin organ music.
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Coming from playwriting, I tend to write dialogue-heavy scripts. I would have liked to cut a page out of this, but only succeeded in trimming a few lines. I noticed a few places where a different trait seemed to creep in. Next time, I think I’ll start with the instruction: “Before you write: Look at each character and make a list of the kinds of actions they might take and the kinds of things they might say.”
Thanks for having a look – honest feedback appreciated.
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Hi Kristina, I wanted to give some feedback on your scene, hope you don’t mind.
Something you, George and Edward all did that I didn’t do was make sure that Robert and Trent contrasted in your description of them, making it easier to differentiate them both.
Cool nose puns from Joey’s character and his mother should have taught him to wear a seat belt. Love it. Lol
Interesting setting. You and Edward both get top props for your settings in my book.
So watching porn? You could go darker. The opportunity is there if you wanted with the embalmer. Your call on that, lol.
I love the ending where Robert sets Trent up for a left hook from joey in the grieving room.
The middle section though seems to be a lot of back n forth conversation that lays out a lot of exposition in dialogue but doesn’t seem to up the stakes, it’s more like reveals that are explained but don’t really intensify the narrative. I’m probably being too hard on it but I did find my attention wandering and was trying to figure out why.
There’s a lot of points of interest in the dialogue that are brought up and then dropped. The embalmer, bit coin, the nose job, etc. Maybe if you focused on just one or two and really dug down it could deepen the scene and give it a bit more coherence. Idk just a thought.
Reading yours and these other scenes has given me the impression that we all focused on using the max interest tool and character traits but kind of lost track of goals and rising conflict in the middle of our scenes, me included. But luckily that’s what rewrites are for! Thanks for posting, it has great potential. Hope something I wrote helps.
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Thanks, Gary. Your feedback is very much appreciated.
I think you’re right about the middle section, and it’s good to know where the attention starts to wander. To improve this scene, I think I’d have to ditch a huge chunk and keep the focus on the botched nose job and the impending ass-whooping.
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Full transparency here, I have never critiqued a script before, I’m used to giving feedback on novels and nonfiction, but I will use the traits, subtext, max interest tech best I can.
I did see a general improvement in some stuff from the first draft, but it was more a refining of those more subtle traits I saw. I love the setting and the characters are well-developed (I could see them) and their dialogue seemed very appropriate for their character. I like how you showed ROBERT being a bit of a gossip.
I didn’t really see TRENT’s meticulousness or his neediness as well as ROBERT’s secretiveness. But the subtext was there.
I didn’t think that dialogue in the middle was too much like Gary and you both mentioned, but being able to shorten a scene and still have it tick all the boxes is something I really need to work on so I look forward to seeing how everyone else does.
I do have very limited exposure to screenwriting and am self-taught up to this point so my feedback needs a side of a grain of salt 🙂
Great job, Kristina. I’m looking forward to our next exercise to see what you do.
G
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Move to Lesson 7 Forum.
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Amechi Ngwe
CYCLE 1 REWRITE SCENE
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Trent enters the dark house and holds the door open. He looks back at Robert on the doorstep, texting on his phone. Trent sighs loudly.
TRENT
Hey, can you pay attention for a sec?
ROBERT
Everyone’s being quiet in the group chat. I’ve got to shake things up. You never do.
TRENT
Come in the house.
ROBERT
It’s dark in here.
Robert notices some pink ‘PAST DUE’ letters on a table.
ROBERT
What’s the point of having a big house if you can’t afford to light it?
TRENT
Come. In.
Robert steps inside. Trent shuts the door behind him. Robert checks himself out in a hallway mirror.
ROBERT
Do I look okay?
TRENT
Yes. You don’t have to be as well dressed as me. It’s just dinner.
ROBERT
At a fancy restaurant. You gonna make me pay again?
TRENT
Is that a problem?
ROBERT
I can hold onto your wallet if you’re afraid of misplacing it.
TRENT
(Pats his jacket pocket)
It’s right here. Really, tonight is on me. You’re not paying for anything.
Trent moves for the dark living room and stands by the entrance.
ROBERT
As long as the other cheap bastards in our group chat don’t find out. You know I’m really starting to hate Paul.
TRENT
No, you love him.
ROBERT
He’s an insecure clown who can’t keep a girlfriend. He’s jealous of you, you know.
TRENT
Can you shut up and come into the living room?
ROBERT
Does someone need a nap? You’re almost as cranky as Philip.
TRENT
Bro, just stop—
ROBERT
You’re gonna defend him too now? What’s with you? Have you picked up a drug problem off of him as well? You didn’t hear that from me.
A SOB comes from the dark living room.
ROBERT
What?
Trent switches on the light.
‘Hiding’ in the room are a group of adults. Their friends, including PAUL, and a sobbing PHILIP.
PHILIP
You don’t have to be so mean, Robert.
ROBERT
I’m just kidding! Wow, a surprise party for me? Guys, I’m flattered.
Robert holds his arms out for a hug. No one moves to him. They’re all pissed off.
Trent sighs loudly.
TRENT
I went to great lengths to plan this. So we could show you that we loved you. I guess you don’t care.
ROBERT
I’m sorry. Trent was in on it with me. We were just kidding.
TRENT
I would never say such things about my friends.
Paul and Philip exchange a look. Paul winks at Trent, who flicks the light switch off.
Robert yells in pain as the sounds of a fight fill the darkness.
Trent steps back into the hallway.
TRENT
I guess you are paying for something, Robert.
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Hi Amechi,
Here’s a little feedback. You have an interesting scene, and did a great job incorporating Trent’s traits and subtext. The scene details the situation of one character lured into a backroom where he’s beat up.
Some areas of improvement would be to describe and introduce Robert and Trent from the beginning. The celebration part of the Scene Arc could be earlier in the scene instead of just before the beating. Maybe have Robert and Trent discuss the celebration more in the beginning instead of Trent’s lack of funds. Robert’s traits and subtext could be stronger. I only noticed some low self-esteem, and not his other traits. His dialogue seemed harsh and sarcastic rather than creating gossip.
You did a great job including the Interest Techniques of surprise and betrayal.
Hope this helps.
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Lesson 6: Sandra’s QE Cycle Rewrite Scene
INT. UPSCALE BAR – NIGHT
TRENT, 35, meticulously groomed and dressed in an expensive suit, sits at a crowded bar.
ROBERT, 35, smiles as he saunters into the noisy bar clad in wrinkled shirt and pants with messy hair. He greets a few people as he crosses the room and climbs on the stool next to Trent.
Robert speaks to the two average looking ladies next to him, and waves at the bartender.
ROBERT
Hello ladies. How are you doing tonight?
Looks like you could use another drink.
Trent grabs the bowl full of pretzels in front of the people on his right and shoves it in front of Robert. Pretzels fall out on to the bar.
Robert offers the pretzels to the ladies before helping himself.
Trent slams his fist on the bar and yells at the bartender.
TRENT
Hey, what do we have to do to get a drink?
Bartender comes over, lays napkins down in front of them, and takes their orders.
ROBERT
I heard some interesting things about Darlene.
Say, why’d you want to meet here tonight?
TRENT
Since you are my best friend, I wanted to celebrate
my engagement and ask you to be my best man.
ROBERT
Congratulations! That’s great. You’re lucky she’s such
a beautiful and classy gal. Someone like her would never
go for a guy like me. Have you set a date?
Trent
Not yet.
Bartender brings their drinks and spills a little of Trent’s on the bar. Trent wipes it up with a napkin. Tosses the crumbled-up napkin behind the bar. They clink glasses and take a sip.
Robert turns to the ladies.
ROBERT
My friend here just got engaged. Confidentially, I heard
she’s pregnant with someone else’s baby.
TRENT
So where were you last night?
Tried calling you and left several messages.
Robert shrugs, looks down and stirs his drink
ROBERT
Did you hear Darlene is running a big scam?
We should check it out.
Trent looks at his expensive watch, then glances around. Whispers in Robert’s ear.
TRENT
We need a plan, so she doesn’t catch on to us.
You got any cash on you?
ROBERT
Yeah, just got paid.
TRENT
You interested in a poker game tonight?
ROBERT
Sure.
Trent finishes his drink.
TRENT
Follow me.
Robert slugs down the rest of his drink. Pays for the drinks.
Trent swiftly strides down the hall past the restrooms with Robert ambling behind him. Robert knocks on the door marked “Employees Only”, and uses a key card to unlock the door. Motions Robert to go in first. Shoves him in the dimly lit room. Trent closes the door. Two thugs appear and beat up Robert.
-
Judith’s Rewritten Scene
INT. BEAT UP BUILDING – NIGHT
A boxing ring surrounded by a crowd of PEOPLE. The room is noisy, full of hisses and boos when folks don’t like what is going on.
It’s the final round. The boxers punch and beat and whip at each other. One goes down, then the other.
ROBERT, 25, searches the people entering the building. He spots his friend, TRENT, 37, waves at him. Rushes from his seat.
ROBERT
Hey, man, glad you made it. Where you been?
TRENT
Some jerk spilled beer on me. Had to change my clothes.
Taken aback, Robert indicates to Trent to follow him.
ROBERT
Bummer.
TRENT
Ruined my best jacket. If I get a hold of him…
ROBERT
Fights up there, man.
TRENT
Yah, you’re right.
They proceed down the aisle toward the ring seats. The crowd frantic now rooting for their favorite boxer.
Following Robert, Trent peeks behind and sees the SPILLER BEER GUY following them. Trent gets more and more irritated thinking this guy is after him. He stops. Glares.
TRENT
Get the fuck out of here.
The Spiller Beer Guy throws up his hands in surrender. Trent moves toward him, but Robert gently pulls him back.
ROBERT
It ain’t worth it.
Trent nods and continues to follow Robert, but the Spiller Guy continues.
Trent steams. Stops.
TRENT
What you want?
SPILLER GUY
Just going to my seat. Sorry about the spill.
Trent stands there fuming. They are blocking the view of some of the audience. Shouts of sit down you jerks are heard repeatedly.
ROBERT
Come on, Trent, the fights up there.
Robert moves toward their seats and Trent backs off and follows him.
They get to their row and Trent proceeds forward. Sits. Robert follows and the beer guy follows him.
Plops down right next to Trent.
Tensing his jaw, Trent, groans. Robert decides to take control of the situation.
ROBERT
Let’s change seats.
Trent gets up, but before he moves, he pretends to accidently nudge the beer guy. His beer spills onto his clothes. He doesn’t respond. Keeps his cool.
Robert sits down.
ROBERT
My friend, a temper. I’m Robert.
Beer guy thinks better than to introduce himself when he sees a glare from Trent.
Just then a roar from the crowd. Trent sees his favorite winning the match.
The crowd scrambles to their feet. Some tear up betting papers. Others leave.
TRENT
Got money on Big Barber Brute. Maybe my day after all.
He pulls out his winning ticket.
ROBERT
Whens you get that?
TRENT
That’s where I got spilled on.
Robert shakes Trent’s hand as the beer guy moves past them.
Everything is claustrophobic. The exit crowd, noisey.
When the men get to the top of the stairs, Trent pulls Robert aside.
TRENT
Surprise. You get to meet the winner of the match, Big Barber Brute.
ROBERT
Are you kidding?
TRENT
We were college room mates.
ROBERT
Wow, do I look okay?
TRENT
Perfect, perfect…
INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT
Trent enters a dark room. Robert follows after him, but before he’s ten feet in, a hand reaches out and smacks him squarely in the jaw.
Trent stands there watching his friend get beaten up.
ROBERT
Hey, man?
Robert tries to punch back, but Trent takes his arms and holds them. The AGGRESSOR beats on Robert till his face is bloody. He’s loosing consciousness.
Trent lets go of his arms and Robert collapses onto the floor.
Robert looks at him with a why expression on his face.
Trent ignores him and flips on the lights. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a wad of bills. The Beer Guy steps into the light. He puts out his hand and Trent pays him off.
Beer Guy leaves.
Saying nothing to Robert, Trent pulls out a photo from his wallet. He tears it up and throws it on top of Robert. The pieces flutter down onto his chest revealing the picture of a pretty brunette.
Trent leaves.
-
EXT. A PEACEFUL MOUNTAIN LAKE – SUNSET
– A rowboat rocks gently at a dock. Nocturnal Flowers open their petals for the night.
– A stealthy cat stalks a chipmunk nibbling forgotten crumbs at the edge of the dock. The chipmunk looks up curiously as the SOUND OF LIVE MUSIC floats over from across the lake.
– The cat, focused and now very close, readies to pounce. WHAP! SCREECH! The talons of a HAWK close around the cat and lift. The chipmunk scurries away as the cat is carried up into the darkening sky.
The dock is silent except for the STRAINS OF MUSIC from across the way.
EXT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS
MUSIC filters out the gracious double front door. Excited greetings float to and fro as late guests park their cars and drift in under a large banner: CONGRATULATIONS ROB!
INT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS
The well-dressed crowd throngs and mingles. A high end wedding band plays a dated Pop song.
ROB, tall, handsome, a charmer, works the crowd, shaking hands, kissing cheeks and fielding complements as he goes.
ROB
Thanks so much… Good to see you, Man!… Ya, such a surprise. I’m so honored… Love that dress!
PASSING SHORT GUY
Congrats, Rob. Hear about Betty?
ROB
I heard the rumor. Hard to believe, but who knows.. If it’s true..
SHORT GUY
(moving on)
There will be consequences.
Rob seems to gloat as he takes a step back to bask in it all- and bumps into someone. He turns-
ROB
So sorry– Wow! You’re here! I never expected-
JULIA
Yet here I am!
They exchange cheek kisses.
ROBERT
Really nice of you to come!
(awkward beat)
I guess I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me.
JULIA
Can’t hold a grudge forever!
She smiles at him, sipping the last of her cocktail.
ROBERT
Let me freshen that up for you.
With an easy finesse, he takes her empty glass, sets it down on the tray of a passing waiter, picks up a new drink and hands it to her with a cocked head.
JULIA
Why thank you!
(sips)
To be completely honest, it took awhile. Forgiving you. You know I had a crush on you. More than a crush, I really had a thing for you. That made it hard.
ROBERT
(genuinely surprised)
Wow! I wished I’d known that. If we’re being honest..
(laughs, embarrassed)
This is tough…I always thought you were out of my league.
JULIA
Talk about cross purposes! Too bad.
ROB
Maybe we can change that.
ACROSS THE ROOM-
TRENT, well built and impeccably dressed, converses with a huddle of people. He sneaks a check in a nearby mirror and straightens his tie.
TRENT
It should go like clockwork. Planned it to the letter. In fact, I need a last minute check with the manager..
He starts across the room and stops, seeing a stunning Woman in red smile at him from near the buffet. He walks over.
TRENT
Evelyn! I didn’t know you were going to be here. I’m chuffed.
EVELYN
Amanda called. Thought I’d want to know. She was right. I wouldn’t miss it for the world!
TRENT
Well, thank you, Amanda.
A couple pass by. The GUY puts a hand on Trent’s shoulder.
GUY
Thanks for footing the bill on this, Man. What a night!
TRENT
No biggy. What’s money for?
GUY
So when’s the real party starting?
TRENT
(flashing his expensive watch)
Another hour to go.
WOMAN
(as they move away)
I’m on pins and needles.
TRENT
Me too.
(stares across at Rob)
Till then, we’ll just have to settle for the pleasure of watching the lamb fatten up for his slaughter.
EVELYN
You’re so naughty!
TRENT
Are you kidding? This guy is such a creep. I’ve wanted his ass forever!
EVELYN
Think he suspects?
TRENT
Not a clue!
EVELYN
Revenge is so sexy, isn’t it?
TRENT
Indeed it is.
Someone bumps them and Trent’s spinach hors d’oeuvre drops on his shirt front.
TRENT
Ugh! Damn! Idiot! I just had this shirt dry cleaned!
EVELYN
Here, let me take care of that.
She picks up a napkin and a bottle of club soda from the buffet bar and, moving in close, goes to work on his shirt.
EVELYN
This feels like old times.
TRENT
So how do I look? Still sexy?
EVELYN
You look succulent enough to just sink my teeth into…
TRENT
Why did we break up?
EVELYN
Should we go someplace where you can take this off, and I can work on it. We have time, don’t we?
TRENT
Sure. Wouldn’t want to show for the big moment with spinach on my shirt.
EVELYN
As opposed to egg on your face?
She smiles, takes his hand and leads him across the room.
INT. PRIVATE STUDY – MOMENTS LATER
The study door opens and Trent and Evelyn enter. Evelyn takes off Trent’s jacket and shirt and discards them pointedly on a table. Trent takes a moment to fix how she draped them, before turning back to Evelyn. Glancing down briefly to admire his bare chest, he spots a drop of spinach on his nipple.
TRENT
Damn! It went right through!
He looks for something to wipe it off. Evelyn stops him.
EVELYN
Please. Allow me.
She licks the spinach off his nipple, giving it a little bite with her teeth.
EVELYN
Mmmmmm. You always did know how to choose a delectable Hors d’oeuvre.
They giggle. She strokes his chest. Her hands travel downward, undoing his belt. Continuing downward…
As Trent closes his eyes and groans, she steals a quick glance at his watch…
EVELYN
(purring)
Oooouuu, it’s time. Come to Mama.
They kiss hungrily, going at each other, clothes flying.
Evelyn pushes Trent up against the wall-
A false panel turns, spinning them into-
INT. A MINI STADIUM ROOM WITH A FIGHT RING – CONTINUOUS
A huge room with a ring in the middle and entrances on three sides. A crowd cheers as Evelyn and a stupefied Trent, now in his tightie whities, appear through the false door. Evelyn deftly sidesteps through a gate in the fence and joins the crowd, who all hold cattle prods. Someone gives her one.
TRENT
What the f- But it’s not time yet!
EVELYN
We pushed the schedule up a bit.
TRENT
But Rob- he’s not even here!
Rob springs through a similar door across the room making out with Julie, who follows Evelyn’s lead and joins the crowd retrieving her cattle-prod.
Rob looks around at all the guests at the party, hooting and catcalling. He tries to get back into the room but the door has closed. He tries to follow Julie, but several cattle prods push him toward the middle of the rink.
Trent paces around the circle- a caged animal, wild angry eyes make contact with all the faces who were playing him up earlier, anger building with every set of eyeballs he meets.
Rob sees Trent’s rage and backs up into a cattle prod.
ROB
Aghhhh!
A primal scream wells up inside Trent and releases itself. His movement around the circle suddenly shifts toward-
POV ROB
As the raging red-faced hulk that is Trent races toward him and torpedos into his face with a WACK!
FADE TO BLACK as FIGHT AND CATCALLS SOUNDTRACK CONTINUES OVER END CREDITS
-
LESSON 5: REWRITE FOR CRITIQUE
INT. WEST HOLLYWOOD AUTO BROKERS, SUNNY SOCAL AFTERNOON
Two salesmen, ROBERT and Arlen (LENNY) at their desks in a single story, art-deco style building, a remnant of the last Packard dealership in California. The lot isn’t large, but every vehicle, from plain to exotic, is immaculate. They cater primarily to the elite of Beverly Hills.
LENNY
Trent’s coming. Says he’s got a line on a primo Pantera like Brad’s been looking for.
ROBERT
I’ll believe it when I see it. He’s always dropping names. Did he tell you his Leno story yet? Him and Jay are like this (holds up crossed fingers). Still waiting for him to show up with one of these big shots.
A flawless black Oldsmobile Silhouette minivan enters the lot driven by TRENT, 30s, single, fit, tanned, $100 haircut, Brit accent.
LENNY
And here he comes now.
ROBERT
Ooh, and driving (waves his hands as if impressed) “The Cadillac of minivans”. Funny how a minivan – a minivan – becomes a classy ride just because it looks like the one in Get Shorty.
LENNY
It is the one from Get Shorty.
ROBERT
Of course it is.
The door opens and Trent enters, sporting a Zimm Filmz hat.
LENNY
Hey look, it’s Gene Hackman, I mean Harry Zimm! How’s the film business Harry?
Trent plays along like a celebrity caught by surprise in public. Takes off the hat and hangs it on their coat rack.
TRENT
Film biz? Deals cookin’ all the time. But today it’s cars. In this case, an Aston DB9. Tony Hopkins wants one and you got one.
LENNY
Well, tell him to come on down!
ROBERT
Yeah, bring him over. Or he’s welcome to come on his own.
TRENT
You know these big Hollywood stars, they don’t like going out in public and all, and a lot of ‘em expect to be cheated because they’re rich. They like to deal one-on-one with somebody they know personally, someone they trust.
ROBERT
I don’t know any big stars, not like you do anyway, so I’ll just take your word for it. But if your pal Tony wants a DB9 but won’t come look at this one. How’s that gonna work?
TRENT
Simple, I’ll take it to him this afternoon. How much you got in it?
LENNY
That’s classified, but Rico says we gotta get at least $110k for it.
TRENT
Well, Rico’s the owner, so what he says, goes. Tell him I can get him $120k. Anything over that I get to keep. Tony comes here, you handle the paperwork, bada-bing bada-boom, Bob’s your uncle… money in our pockets! How’s that sound?
ROBERT
Hang on.
Robert pulls out his cell phone and steps outside.
TRENT
I’d buy it myself, cash on the barrel, if there was room for another horse in the stable.
LENNY
Maybe Jay would let you keep it in his garage?
TRENT
Jay? If he started doing that for his friends his garage would be full of others’ “collections”.
Robert steps back in, heads for the key box on the wall.
ROBERT
Rico says you can take it for the day, but…
Robert removes a set of keys and tosses them to Trent.
ROBERT
…just between you and me, he’ll be real disappointed if this deal doesn’t go through. Plates are on it. Anything happens to that car…
Trent slips the keys into his pocket and plops the Zimm Filmz hat back on his head.
TRENT
No worries, mate. Oh, and The Cadillac of Minivans? keys are in it. Don’t sell it while I’m gone.
ROBERT
No promises…
Trent is already out the door.
Hours pass in moments. Sun’s getting low. Robert and Larry are doing paperwork at their desks. The door opens and in walk Rico and two scary-looking Chicanos.
RICO
Your friend Trent. Have you heard from him?
ROBERT
Not since he left with the DB9. And he’s not my friend.
RICO
Alright. Trent-who’s-not-your-friend… is in trouble.
Robert suddenly looks concerned.
ROBERT
What kind of trouble?
RICO
There’s a GPS on that car, the one he took. He never went to Tony Hopkins’ house or anybody’s house.
ROBERT
Maybe they met somewhere else..?
RICO
Not unless Tony’s a 25yr old bleach-blonde surfer girl and they had lunch at the hippest sushi place on Sunset Strip and cruised down the PCH to a cozy motel on Laguna Beach. Laguna Beach! How do I know all this? I just had a feeling so I had a PI follow him. That cost me money and I hate wasting money.
Rico’s phone rings. He answers. The conversation is brief.
RICO
He’ll be here soon. Bring him to the back room when he gets here. Tell him we have something special for him. Neither one of you leave.
Rico and the two silent Chicanos go to the windowless back room, usually reserved for lunch and private deals. Robert and Lenny each sit at their desks, tense as cats at a dog show, unable to return to their work.
LENNY
How long has Rico owned this place?
ROBERT
Not that long. Bought it from Fairbanks last year… paid cash.
LENNY
Cash? Seriously? How…
ROBERT
Don’t ask. I don’t know and don’t really want to know.
Conversation stops as the unmistakable growl of an Aston Martin V12 enters the lot and stops outside the office. Trent bursts through the door.
TRENT
Greetings gents! Still here? Love that, love the dedication. Maybe you’ll work for me someday!
Robert and Lenny try their best to be nonchalant.
ROBERT
We have a deal with Tony? I see you’re alone.
TRENT
Deal? Close. He really liked the car. Loved it. I mean who wouldn’t? He just…
Robert stands and moves towards the back room.
ROBERT
Hey, guess who’s here? Rico. He’d love to hear how it went today. He’s right here in the party room.
Robert opens the door. Rico booms out with surprising charm:
RICO
Trent, mi amigo! Come in, tell me all about today!
Trent strides in, all smiles. One of Rico’s “associates” takes control of the door, leans in and says, just to them,
ASSOCIATE 1
You guys screw. Rico will call you tomorrow.
The door closes. Lenny hastily gathers his papers in a pile and shoves them in the desk.
LENNY
Don’t nobody gotta tell me twice.
Robert and Lenny exit the office as thumps and shouts erupt from the back room.
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