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Day 6 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments.
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13 Replies
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Assignment Six: Character Introductions. Three lead Characters: Percy the dragon, Dusty Greene, his friend; plus, Nurse Phoebe.
What I learned: Unlike Hansel and Gretel, there’s no need for crumbs, when one idea follows another home –only re-writes…Thanks.
Title: For the Love of Percy
Fantasy
LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to space.
INT. ROYAL NURSERY – DAY
NURSE PHOBE, lives by the mantra: The hand that rocks the cradle rules the nation. As royal aunt and caretaker to the infant dragon twins, PRINCE PERCY and PRINCESS ZENITH, this is her guiding light.
EXT. CLOUDS – DAY
(The kingdom has been invaded.)
Nurse Phoebe grabs PRINCE PERCY, and turns invisible, as she hides the prince inside the strata of a cumulus cloud.
She leaves.
Prince Percy lingers inside the cloud’s atmosphere, cold and alone, supported by a heavy mist. He falls inside a portal, down, down, down, passing through space and time inside a rain drop, until he plops to earth.
SPLAT! Inside a mud puddle.
–REWRITES:
NURSE PHOBE, (sister to the king,) A magical dragon, lives by the mantra: The hand that rocks the cradle rules the nation. As royal aunt and caretaker to the royal infant twin dragon, PRINCE PERCY and PRINCESS ZENITH, this is her guiding light.
EXT. CLOUDS – DAY
During the invasion, Nurse Phoebe, turns invisible, as she flies to the upper atmosphere. A heavy mist shrouds her. The air is so thin, she grows faint. Dizzy. Fearful for the prince’s life, Nurse Phoebe shoves him inside the strata of a cumulus cloud. A tear slides down her face, splatters, and envelops Prince Percy. He cries. She hugs him,
Prince Percy lingers inside the cloud’s atmosphere, cold and alone. His crying echoes inside the layers of cloud cover, growing louder, until he cries himself into exhaustion.
Thunder claps. Lightning flashes, and for a milli-second, a portal opens. The prince slides through it inside the teardrop’s trajectory; down, down, down, spiraling faster and faster, through galaxies of stars and planets, somersaulting through space and time, ricocheting past forests and plains on planet Earth, where the teardrop implodes inside a mud puddle.
PLOP!
EXT. LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY
(Action shows primary traits: insecure, clueless, invisible, but sees himself as a warrior.)
Nine-year-old, foster kid, DUSTY GREEN, wears Coca-Cola glasses heavier than he is. He wears a dragon amulet around his neck–a remnant from a father he barely remembers.
(Action shows primary traits: insecure, clueless, invisible.)
Dusty’s life is always new– new foster home, new school, new faces. The only thing not new, are the bullies. They all look the same.
EXT. LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY
Overhead, a hawk scans its territory as something flashes to the ground. Its claws flare. Its pupils enlarge. The hawk’s body falls at full velocity. At the last second, it pulls up. The hawk almost lands on something mud covered; something barely moving. She strikes. Misses. The something quits moving. She stares intently and strikes again.
KERSPLASH! Something huge lands in the puddle. The hawk staggers. Its wings drum the air. They glance Dusty’s cheek. Its beady eyes glare with malice, as it screams loud rebukes at Dusty. He raises his fist to feint an attack. The hawk retreats, and takes to the skies…
Dusty retrieves the lizard. He wipes mud off its face and blows air into its nose and mouth. The lizard blinks.
The school bell rings, and Dusty escapes his bullies to survive another day.
INT. DUSTY’S HOUSE – DAY
Dusty sneaks the lizard home.
BEDROOM
He names the lizard, Percy, and hides him in a shoe box under his bed.
Percy grows fast and follows Dusty invisibly without him knowing. Percy also heals Dusty’s cuts and scratches, including his most recent cut on his finger while slicing an apple. (It’s established early in the script, that true royalty can disappear/ heal wounds)…
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Hi Karen,
Wow, what an elevation. It’s obviously so much more descriptive and creates an entire picture in your head. You didn’t excellent job at expanding it into a full-blown visual. Really like this change.
NOTES: EXCELLENT rewrites! REALLY visually tells the story – you’ve written the action lines very well, and the story and characters are coming through clearer and better.
I’ve highlighted some of the sections that really tell the story. ON THIS PAGE they only show as BOLD / ITALICS.
Great job!
–REWRITES:
NURSE PHOBE, (sister to the king,) A magical dragon, lives by the mantra: The hand that rocks the cradle rules the nation. As royal aunt and caretaker to the royal infant twin dragon, PRINCE PERCY and PRINCESS ZENITH, this is her guiding light.
EXT. CLOUDS – DAY
During the invasion, Nurse Phoebe, turns invisible, as she flies to the upper atmosphere. A heavy mist shrouds her. The air is so thin, she grows faint. Dizzy. Fearful for the prince’s life, Nurse Phoebe shoves him inside the strata of a cumulus cloud. A tear slides down her face, splatters, and envelops Prince Percy. He cries. She hugs him,
Prince Percy lingers inside the cloud’s atmosphere, cold and alone. His crying echoes inside the layers of cloud cover, growing louder, until he cries himself into exhaustion.
Thunder claps. Lightning flashes, and for a milli-second, a portal opens. The prince slides through it inside the teardrop’s trajectory; down, down, down, spiraling faster and faster, through galaxies of stars and planets, somersaulting through space and time, ricocheting past forests and plains on planet Earth, where the teardrop implodes inside a mud puddle.
PLOP!
EXT. LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY
(Action shows primary traits: insecure, clueless, invisible, but sees himself as a warrior.)
Nine-year-old, foster kid, DUSTY GREEN, wears Coca-Cola glasses heavier than he is. He wears a dragon amulet around his neck–a remnant from a father he barely remembers.
(Action shows primary traits: insecure, clueless, invisible.)
Dusty’s life is always new– new foster home, new school, new faces. The only thing not new, are the bullies. They all look the same.
EXT. LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY
Overhead, a hawk scans its territory as something flashes to the ground. Its claws flare. Its pupils enlarge. The hawk’s body falls at full velocity. At the last second, it pulls up. The hawk almost lands on something mud covered; something barely moving. She strikes. Misses. The something quits moving. She stares intently and strikes again.
KERSPLASH! Something huge lands in the puddle. The hawk staggers. Its wings drum the air. They glance Dusty’s cheek. Its beady eyes glare with malice, as it screams loud rebukes at Dusty. He raises his fist to feint an attack. The hawk retreats, and takes to the skies…
Dusty retrieves the lizard. He wipes mud off its face and blows air into its nose and mouth. The lizard blinks.
The school bell rings, and Dusty escapes his bullies to survive another day.
INT. DUSTY’S HOUSE – DAY
Dusty sneaks the lizard home.
BEDROOM
He names the lizard, Percy, and hides him in a shoe box under his bed.
Percy grows fast and follows Dusty invisibly without him knowing. Percy also heals Dusty’s cuts and scratches, including his most recent cut on his finger while slicing an apple. (It’s established early in the script, that true royalty can disappear/ heal wounds)…
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Judith’s Character Intros – Lesson 6
What I learned is character intros can be done in 6 different
ways:action; other characters’ reaction; reputation build;
character philosophy; situation demands the character; and
reveal opening.
I haven’t listed the beats for my previous protagonist
introduction because I completely changed the first scene
from my original script after doing the beats exercise. Here
are the beats an the scene for my protagonist introduction:
Emily finishes wrapping the paintings for transport.
She is happy, excited, until she realizes that the movers who
should have been here thirty-minutes ago are not.
She becomes concerned and races into the house to get her
cell phone.
In the house she finds out “someone” called and delayed the
arrival of the movers.
She tells them to get right out here, or she will find someone
who will.
After that, things only get worse. She finds a “return to
sender” letter.
She is saddened, she moves toward the closet and starts to
throw the letter on a pile.
Then, she becomes determined. She tears the letter in half
and throws it in the trash.
Her husband, Eugene, has been watching this her. A huge smile
crosses his face.
“I’m proud of you.”
“It’s time to let go.”
SCENE:
INT. BARN/STUDIO – DAY
The building houses an artist’s studio. Empty easels sit
about. Shelves with painting supplies line a wall.
Emily Parsons, 30s, finishes wrapping a painting in plastic.
She carefully places it next to several other wrappings.
Happy, excited, she admires her work.
2.
She touches the wrapped paintings lovingly. Her babies ready
to be displayed and show their excellence in the gallery show
tonight.
Suddenly a concerned look crosses her face. She checks her
watch.
EMILY
Where are those movers?
She searches for her cell phone.
EMILY (CONT’D)
Fuck, left it inside.
She races from the studio.
EXT. WOODSY AREA – DAY
She hurries toward her house. A one-story building with walls
of glass on one side. The house is located in the woods.
Pristine, beautiful. A creative paradise.
INT. HOUSE – DAY
Emily enters the hallway. Sees her cellphone lying on the
side table. She grabs it, dials.
EMILY
Hello, Emily Parsons here. Where
are you?
She listens.
EMILY (CONT’D)
What? I never called you.
She listens.
EMILY (CONT’D)
I did not.
EUGENE PARSONS, 30s, watches his wife. Puzzled.
EMILY (CONT’D)
Let me tell you this. If you can’t
come out here right away and transport
my paintings to the gallery, I’ll
find someone who can.
Satisfied the movers are coming, she hangs up the cell.
EMILY (CONT’D)
Can you believe that?
(MORE)
3.
EMILY (CONT’D)
They said I called and delayed the
pick-up time. Me. Knowing the
paintings need time to be displayed.
The nerve. Last time I take a
recommendation from Gloria.
Eugene doesn’t know what to say. He moves toward Emily and
puts his arms around her. It quiets her. She hugs back.
EUGENE
I gotta go to work. Pick me up in
an hour?
Emily starts to answer but is distracted by a letter on the
side table. She picks it up. “Return to sender” is written
on it.
Staring at Eugene, she holds up the letter. He reads it.
Saddened and almost seeming lost, she moves toward the closet.
She stops, gets a determined look on her face, tears the letter
up and tosses it in the trash.
Eugene can’t believe what she has done.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
I’m proud of you.
EMILY
It’s time to move on.
He nods in agreement.
EUGENE
See you in an hour.
A half-smile from Emily.
He leaves.
Looking at the closet door, she moves toward it. Pulls it
open and grabs a box. As she carries the box, the flap bounces
up and down revealing that it is full of “return to sender”
letters. She takes the box outside.
EXT. HOUSE – DAY
She dumps the contents of the box into the trash. One spills
over the side. She doesn’t notice. She flaps her hands
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Frank Gaide – Character Intros
What I learned: How to dig deeper into how my characters function within the story concept and their relationships to other characters. The results greatly improved the entertainment
value of my screenplay.
TITLE: THE UGLY BOAT
1 – TERRI (22)
CURRENT INTRO BEATS:
1 – Terri’s voice over used over a dead body that washes ashore Cape Cod:
2 – Police sicken at the sight of Terri’s mutilated body.
NEW INTRODUCTION TYPE(S):
Action shows primary traits.
Other character’s reaction to this character.
Build the Character’s reputation.
Character philosophy
The reveal opening.
REVISED BEATS:
1 – We hear Terri’s VO as a dead body washes ashore Cape Cod.
The reveal opening
Character philosophy
2 – Terri pays for a couple beers in a liquor store. The owner doesn’t trust him. He halts at the door before exiting while spying outside —
Action shows primary traits.
Other character’s reaction to this character.
3 – Outside the liquor store, Ronni is assaulted by 2 goons. He fends off their blows. The go inside a private club nearby —
Action shows primary traits.
Other character’s reaction to this character.
4 – Terri exits and meets Ronni like he didn’t see a thing. Ronni calls him out for not helping as they drink their beers and inspect cars on the street.
Character philosophy
Other character’s reaction to this character.
5 – A table of goons joke to Red (mob boss) about Ronni’s toughness.
Other character’s reaction to this character
Build the Character’s reputation.
6 – Ronni smashes his bottle through Red’s car windshield making sure the goons inside the club witness him doing it.
Action shows primary traits
2 – RONNI (24)
CURRENT INTRO BEATS:
1 – Ronni fights off an attack by two thugs who work for the local mob.
2 – Inside the mob’s bar, the thugs talk about Ronni’s toughness.
3 – Outside the bar, Ronni makes sure the thugs see him smash a bottle through the windshield of the boss’s car.
NEW INTRODUCTION TYPE(S):
Action shows primary traits.
Other character’s reaction to this character.
Build the Character’s reputation.
Character philosophy
REVISED BEATS:
1 – We hear Terri’s VO as a dead body washes ashore Cape Cod.
The reveal opening
Character philosophy
2 – Terri pays for a couple beers in a liquor store. The owner doesn’t trust him. He halts at the door before exiting while spying outside —
Action shows primary traits.
Other character’s reaction to this character.
3 – Outside the liquor store, Ronni is assaulted by 2 goons. He fends off their blows. The go inside a private club nearby —
Action shows primary traits.
Other character’s reaction to this character.
4 – Terri exits and meets Ronni like he didn’t see a thing. Ronni calls him out for not helping as they drink their beers and inspect cars on the street.
Character philosophy
Other character’s reaction to this character.
5 – A table of goons joke to Red (mob boss) about Ronni’s toughness.
Other character’s reaction to this character
Build the Character’s reputation.
6 – Ronni smashes his bottle through Red’s car windshield making sure the goons inside the club witness him doing it.
Action shows primary traits
SCENE: Terri and Ronni introductions.
EXT. BEACH – CAPE COD – DAWN
As a powerful summer storm cuts out to sea, a man cherry picks debris from a shipwreck left behind.
A mutilated body suddenly pops up in his face.
TERRI (VO)
(young flat gruff voice)
Before me and Kat ever thought about getting
married, her parents made us talk to a priest. I
wasn’t exactly marrying material. I wasn’t Irish.
INT./EXT. STATE POLICE CRUISER – DRIVING – DAWN
Blue light washes over shacks and sand dunes. DETECTIVE (MICK) MCSORELY, (50), department hard ass rides shotgun. He looks past his antsy partner, DETECTIVE BOYCHUK, (45), to an active crime scene on the beach.
TERRI (VO)
So the priest, he says, “Kids, you’re
young and have a long road ahead
together. Never be a slave to money.”
The state police cruiser parks. Mick and Boychuk charge outside with flashlights drawn and scramble down a granite jetty.
TERRI (VO)
And after promising our lives could survive
without it, he shuffled a deck of cards
and we played poker.
That’s right. Poker!
INT./EXT. BEACH – CAPE COD – MINUTES LATER
Local sheriff and police circle the beached object with the harbormaster waiting offshore in his skiff.
They part for Mick and Boychuk.
MICK
What do you got?
A LOCAL COP (22), a lowly summer intern, aims his flashlight on the badly burned body. Everyone sickens.
LOCAL COP
Hell if I know.
TERRI (VO)
Thanks for the lesson, Father. We should
of seen a psychic. I wouldn’t be in this
mess now.
PRE-LAP: The RINGING of a small bell.
CUT TO:
INT. LIQUOR STORE – SOUTH BOSTON, MA – NIGHT
SUPER: THEN
A glass door closes with a simple bell attached to the top, an alarm of sorts.
We’re in a modest, old establishment in a squalid neighborhood undergoing gentrification. The kind that sells a little bit of everything to lifelong neighbors.
BURT (70), the cagey owner, stares at a security mirror following TERRI. Sinewy and thin with his choirboy face, Terri looks more like a lacrosse player than the street corner punk, he is. Everything about him is a lie from appearance to words.
With a disarming smile, he peruses the aisles knowing full well he’s being surveilled. After grabbing two beer bottles from a wall cooler, still he sneaks a candy bar, steals a bite, and places the wrapper back on the shelf.
He meets Burt at the register. Places the two beer bottles on the counter.
BURT
That’ll be eight dollars.
Terri withdraws the ten dollars he was about to give Burt.
TERRI
For what? Two buds? This ain’t
the Mullen’s Club, Burt.
BURT
Eight dollars.
TERRI
Oh, c’mon.
BURT
For the beer… and the treat.
There’s a pause between them like a showdown. Terri raises his hands overhead.
TERRI
(laughing)
Busted!
Burt bags the two beers. Terri pays him and struts for the door.
BURT
Should grow up, Terri. Life is short.
TERRI
Thanks for the discount, Burt.
Terri halts at the door. Burt is just a memory now, as he spies his brother being attacked by two thugs.
EXT. MULLENS CLUB – SOUTH BOSTON, MA – NIGHT
Outside the first floor of an old three decker, a clash between three big men takes place. A two on one.
FITZ (40), a brick shithouse with mush for brains, and STEVO (60), a wily old goon, attack a young guy with clubs. It’s difficult to get a clean shot at him. He blocks every strike with his beefy arms.
This is RONNI (24), a hulking figure for his age. He advances bare chested and dressed in cut down overalls, barking at his assailants like he’s the one in charge.
RONNI
Hit me. Bring it. Again!
FITZ
Fuck it.
It’s over. Just a warning this time. Fitz and Stevo retire to the Mullens Club, satisfied.
Ronni hears the ringing bell. He sees Terri exiting the liquor store, approaching, with that disarming smile of his.
RONNI
You couldn’t help?
TERRI
Where you been?
RONNI
Fitz and Stevo?
TERRI
I was inside buying us a beer
before we go. What about
them?
Ronni takes a beer and a long swallow. Considers all the cars parked outside the Mullens Club and sights a shiny Buick Riviera Classic.
RONNI
You really don’t know what I’m
talking about.
TERRI
Let’s just go.
RONNI
This won’t take long.
Terri scrunches up his face. He knows trouble is coming.
INT. MULLENS CLUB – NIGHT
Operates like an Irish bar on St. Paddy’s Day, every day.
Fitz stands by a window speaking to a TABLE OF GUYS in shadow, Stevo included. Hidden in the back is RED (60), the local mob boss.
FITZ
It’s done, Red. It’s done.
RED
Fucking pain in my ass, he is.
STEVO
Tough prick though. Almost broke
a club on him.
TABLE OF GUYS
Should invest in a bigger club then.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha—
There’s a KNOCK on the window. Fitz turns outside.
Ronni smiles at him. Walks casually to the Buick Riviera Classic. And smashes his beer bottle against the windshield.
FITZ
Son of a bitch!
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There’s a lot going on in this script. I scanned over it and do not know if I’d be a lot of help. I write fantasy- kid stuff–Comedy and drama. I know you have been trying to get hold of me, but my site seems to be very protective in stopping all my emails. Computer woes, is what I call them. Your emails came through somewhat and than they bashed them. Here are my emails. You can try them again if you want: They are karencrider@yahoo.com. and criderthewriter@gmail.com. I would be willing to read this indepth if you want to exchange. I tried to email you from my site, but once again, they Daimen-Maillard me. lol. I hear more from them than any other. Perhaps, they are family from another life–brothers perhaps. I love it. Karen Crider the writer…
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David’s Character Intros
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” One can be drawing a mental blank slate for hours and then come up with several solutions in a matter of minutes.
Create new introductions for your two lead characters.
1. List the beats of your current character introductions for the lead characters.
2. Select a different type of introduction from this list below for each character.
3. Write out the beats for each NEW character introduction.4. Write a scene that introduces at least one of those characters using the results from #2 and #3.
PAUL MOUTON.
Role. The Protagonist. Poor family. High schooler. An eighteen-year-old who drives the story by finding and defending a sunken treasure from religious fanatics.
Core traits. Anxious, fearful of failure, reticent, bookish, needy, cynical.
Character subtext logline. Paul is a high school student who has adventure thrust on him by his family.
ACT 1.
Paul Mouton, 18, Cajun, White, reasonably good looking. Not your 30-year-old teenage actor with a gym body. He’s hesitant around girls because he’s not attracted to them unless they are unique. Likes to read. Withdrawn after the death of his father a year ago. Paul is cynical and fearful.
PAUL watches a news tape of the heroic death of his father as he tries to rescue riggers from a burning oil well in the Gulf of Mexico. Paul wears pajamas. The clock shows noon.
PAUL
DAD!
(under his breath)
You had to go and get killed. Not that you spent that much time here. We still lived poor.
Paul grabs a football and hurls it at his trophies on a shelf. They fly everywhere.
His mother, JANET MOUTON, 40, enters and turns off the tape. Janet is good-looking although harried. Well-dressed on the frugal side. She looks as if she wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Worried at Paul’s inertia. Resents her dead husband but wouldn’t admit it. She may have more than meets the eye. She might be tough if she had to.
(All members of the family speak with some Cajun accent.)
JANET
Paul, stop watching that. It won’t bring him back. You’ll just upset yourself more.
PAUL
Why not? I’m enjoying it.
JANET
We both miss your father. Your father was a hero.
PAUL
And what did it get him? I like my heroes in movies. You can get a refund.
JANET
You should be proud of him. He was always helping other people. We all miss having him around. He was the most wonderful person. There can never be another like him. He really cared for us. Don’t worry. We’ll get by.
PAUL
Carpe diem. How are we doing with the oil company?
JANET
That lousy oil company says it was voluntary and not their problem. Didn’t even see fit to give your uncle Jack any money for saving their crew.
PAUL
Am I surprised?
Paul opens a book and buries his head in it.
JANET
You need to go outside. Go see your uncle Jack. Come on, cupcake, get some dinner.
PAUL
All he does is tell me I read too much. Real men work at real jobs. I’m a scaredy-cat because I don’t like his damn spider pet. Blah, blah, blah.
Paul closes the book.
Dressed, Paul opens his window and pets a BLACK CAT.
He leaves to see his Uncle Jack.
THE GRAND INQUISITOR
Role. The antagonist. An evil, sophisticated religious fanatic. He seeks the treasure and will do anything to get it.
Core traits. Fanatic, amoral, religious, unswerving.
Character subtext. He sincerely believes he can restore the Inquisition and will get to Heaven.
ACT 1.
The Grand Inquisitor speaks to his Cult.
INT. CULT’S HOUSE BLACK CHAPEL – DAY
The new GRAND INQUISITOR, 45, reigns behind a black altar. Tall, cadaverous, his face seems to shift from almost human to pure malice. Blazing eyes and hypnotic voice. He can mesmerize a crowd. He embodies the centuries of the horrors of the Spanish Inquisition. He has no doubts about his role as Dictator of Religion.
The room is all set for a Black Mass. Black candles, flickering shadows, upside-down crosses, skulls all around.
A dozen WORSHIPPERS, MEN AND WOMEN, 20-40, in front. All in black robes and hoods that conceal their faces.
The worshippers stamp their feet and scream responses.
GRAND INQUISITOR
I greet you for the first time as your leader and Grand Inquisitor. Our Holy Cause has sent hundreds of our faithful to everlasting wealth in heaven.
WORSHIPPERS
Everlasting wealth!
GRAND INQUISITOR
To Hell, all that did not give us absolute obedience.
WORSHIPPERS
Absolute obedience!
GRAND INQUISITOR
We have slaughtered our enemies.
WORSHIPPERS
Slaughter our enemies.
GRAND INQUISITOR
I have seen a vision. Our cause will be gained soon. We must stop being merciful. Our full wrath rules.
He pauses to fix his eyes on the group. They start to tremble, talk in tongues and have fits.
The introductions above are from my current script, modified slightly, prior to the new ones. The new introductions are below. They will be inserted before these older introductions. I am not sure where. They may be interspersed with each other.
THE GRAND INQUISITOR
A dark gloomy room that smells of misery and pain. An OLD INQUISITOR, evil beyond his ancient years, is talking to a YOUNG BOY, the Grand Inquisitor at eight years old. The Old Inquisitor is dressed in his Inquisitor robes and holds a leather strap. He walks around the boy who is shirtless and seated on a stool. The Young Boy ‘s back is scarred with lash marks. He tries to suppress a whimper. He is fighting for self-control. He knows what will happen if he cries out.
OLD INQUISITOR
Who were the first Inquisitors?
YOUNG BOY
Miguel de Morillo and Juan de San Martín, Your Eminence.
OLD INQUISITOR
Very good. What was the purpose of the Inquisition?
YOUNG BOY
To bring enlightenment to the world. To bring all to heaven who accept our rule and to destroy all others.
OLD INQUISITOR
(Shaking his strap)
How is this purpose fulfilled?
YOUNG BOY
By obeying without question our glorious Grand Inquisitor.
OLD INQUISITOR
You are an apt pupil. You will go far in our holy crusade. Do you still have that puppy we gave you on your birthday?
YOUNG BOY
Oh yes. I love him. He’s my best friend. We’re never apart.
OLD INQUISITOR
Good. Next Sunday, I want you to bring the dog to our service and cut his throat in front of the congregation.
YOUNG BOY
(suppresses a whimper, hesitates)
It will be done.
PAUL MOUTON.
A soccer field with ten-year-old children playing. PAUL at TEN is one of them. Paul Ten controls the ball downfield. He stops it and an opponent rushes past him. Paul Ten keeps going. Two other opponents come diagonally at him, between Paul Ten and the goal. Paul Ten stops for a second and kicks it between the challengers, missing them by barely a foot. The ball hits the far pole and bounces into the net.
Fans cheer. Paul Ten looks at the spectators. His mother stands, clapping like crazy. Next to her is an empty seat with her purse saving it for the absent dad.
An auditorium. PAUL AT FIFTEEN is part of a debate team. The chairperson and the two teams of two are standing on stage in blazers and slacks. The chairperson is handing Paul Fifteen a trophy. The crowd stands and claps. Paul Fifteen looks at the empty seat beside his mother.
PAUL AT SEVENTEEN walks by an athletic field where a baseball team is practicing. Some players wave to him. Paul Seventeen waves disinterestedly back.
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Heather’s Introduction of primary characters in Absolution.
What I learned from doing this was: not exactly clear. It’s easy for me to be descriptive. Not so easy to rein in the description and make things condensed. One of the things I get nicked for most often is to keep things short. I was going for mood here. I don’t know if I accomplished it, so I tried to show the service thru Father Ambrose’s very sick point of view.
FADE IN:
INT. ST. PETER’S CATHEDRAL BASILICA, LONDON ONTARIO – DAY
The morning Advent service before Christmas. Two priests conduct a communion service that appears to have transported the few parishioners back 500 years.
A choir sings the Wexford carol in heart stopping acapella harmony that echoes from every decorated nook.
CHIOR
“Good people all, this Christmas time, consider well and bear in mind , the gracious thing that our good God has done in sending us His Holy Son.”
Father JOHN AMBROSE (60 – 65) concentrates on the pure voice of a young boy soaring above the others, while he places one foot carefully in front of the other, carrying the cup of wine in his trembling hands.
CHIOR
“With Holy Mary we should pray to God with love this Christmas day to Bethlehem upon that morn, there was a blessed Messiah born”.
He would rather suffer crucifixion than have anyone notice how sick he is. He hangs onto the world: a stubborn, holy, cat-stuck-in-a-tree, as the world spins like a child’s kaleidoscope.
CHIOR
“Near Bethlehem did shepherds keep their flocks of lambs and feeding sheep, to whom Gods angels did appear, which put the angels in great fear.”
Light beams through the bright stained glass windows: twinkling on dust motes like holy glitter. Candles flicker, gilding the robes of BISHOP ROBERT DEGAUL (70’s), as he performs the stately dance of Communion, ahead of Ambrose.
The Bishop, luminescent in his clerical robes like a knight of old, has no sword that will slay the pain his oldest friend battles. DeGaul, who preaches the assurance of salvation, wrestles with his faith this bright day.
The choir’s hymn drowns out their low words as they pass the bread and wine from parishioner to parishioner.
A man, JULES, steadies Ambrose’s hand in sympathy. His skin contrasts yellow against Jules’ fair complexion.
AMBROSE
God go with you, my Son.
JULES
And also with you, Father.
Ambrose turns to place the cup on the alter. It misses the edge, spilling scarlet wine in a puddle over the pristine white alter cloth.
Ambrose hits the floor.
The rising parishioners gasp. Jules joins Bishop DeGaul, moving Ambrose into a comfortable position.
DEGAUL
John, can you hear me?
Ambrose sees DeGaul’s face blurred, very small and far away.
JULES
Should I call an ambulance?
The words echo in Ambrose’s ears like a retreating tide.
DEGAUL
Let’s get him to the office and see if he comes around.
(To the concerned people)
DEGAUL
Don’t worry, I won’t be giving him the last rites just yet.
To Ambrose, the faces around him have all blurred together.
JULES
Is there anything we can do?
DEGAUL
Prayer. It’s what he needs the most right now.
DeGaul waves another priest over to continue with the service, and the two men carry Ambrose away out the back.
PRIEST
Please be seated. Let us speak of compassion during this season of advent: the compassion our Father in heaven showed to us in sending His only Son to save us from our sins. Often we forget our obligations: to forgive, as we were forgiven, to show compassion to others as God showed compassion to us…
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You created a mood quite well. A very powerful introduction. You might consider that the movie could be shot at any season and therefore the song might be different. Maybe, say the action is interspersed with the choir or the song is background. The producer and sound designer would make those decisions based on practical circumstances.
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Greg Kanaga, Character Intros.
What I learned doing this assignment: I realized in my earlier rewrite attempt to streamline the introduction I had missed the opportunity to use dialogue to enhance the action and show character traits. I decided to make the supporting character BUTCH more Connally’s equal.
EXT. AIRBORNE – DAY
Shark teeth emblazon the beaks of two Air Force F-4 Phantoms tangled in a dogfight over pale desert topography.
CHYRON: NEVADA 1972
INT. PURSUING F-4 – DAY
HISSING oxygen keeps time with labored breaths.
In the front seat, lieutenant SCOTT CONNALLY, 22, has a surplus of the alloys needed to forge an Air Force fighter pilot. Aggressive, resourceful and too narcissistic to concede the risks.
In the backseat his W.S.O. BUTCH, 22, is an easy going farm boy, who doesn’t take shit from anyone.
BUTCH
We’ve got him locked.
CONNALLY
Yeah, I know.
BUTCH
Well then take the damn shot.
CONALLY
And put ’em out of their misery? Ca’mon Butch what’s the fun in that?
The leading F-4 rolls and dives pell-mell towards the ground. Connally stays glued to it’s tail.
Butch checks his altimeter.
BUTCH
Okay, Connally knock it off we’re gonna bust the deck.
Connally removes his oxygen mask, looks back at Butch with a shit eating grin.
CONNALLY
If you’re so afraid why don’t you pull yer handles and punch out?
Butch removes his mask.
BUTCH
Fuck you Connally.
CONNALLY
Is that any way to talk to a superior officer?
The leading F-4 pulls up revealing a four lane highway rushing up in the windscreen.
BUTCH
Look out!
CONNALLY
Shit.
He pulls back on the stick. The fighter resists as G-suits ring out adrenaline and piss.
CONNALLY
Come on, come on ,come on.
Butch reaches towards the ejection handles.
EXT. SEMI TRUCK – DAY
A lumbering semi hauls crates of live chickens.
INT. SEMI TRUCK – DAY
The SEMI DRIVER sings along with the SONG: WHEN YOUR HOT YOUR HOT – JERRY REED.
Shark teeth fill trucker’s mirrors.
SEMI DRIVER
What the…
The F-4 THUNDERS over the top CRACKLING in full afterburner. Theres an eruption of chicken feathers as the jet’s powerful thrust blows the truck on its side.
It slides down the highway towards oncoming traffic.
The Phantom swoops under drooping high tension lines, pitches straight up and disappears in the sun.
INT. BEDROOM – MORNING
The muffled RINGING of an alarm clock.
A glover hand reaches to silence the bell. It’s Connally. He’s still in his flight suit, helmet and all.
The room begins to shake.
BUTCH
Your speed. Watch your speed.
INT./EXT. F-4 PHANTOM -DAY
The alarm clock is his airspeed indicator, the ringing, the stall warning system. The aircraft SHUDDERS.
BUTCH
We’re gonna stall.
The jet flips into an inverted spin. The altimeter unwinds like an express elevator. Connally flogs the dead stick.
The earth spins closer over their heads. Connally deploys the drag chute. It rips away.
But it’s just enough to stabilize the fighter. Airspeed climbs, convulsions wane, the alarm ceases.
They zoom over the cluster fuck of loose chickens and wrecked vehicles.
BASE OPERATIONS – DAY
A closed door with a bronze placard – SQUADRON COMMANDER.
INT. SQUADRON COMMANDER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Connally and Butch stand at attention. COLONEL MARIAN sits at his desk.
CONNALLY
Colonel, I must have failed to set my altimeter.
COLONEL MERIAN
So, your telling me your Wizzo failed to inform –
BUTCH
Yes sir. I take full responsibility for the –
COLONEL MERIAN
Shut up lieutenant.
CONONEL MERIAN
You’ve both been assigned to the Four Thirty Second fighter wing, Udorn Thailand.
Connally and Butch share a look of relief.
(to Butch) Unfortunately protocol dictates you receive a letter of reprimand.
CONNALLY
That’s not fair it wasn’t his –
COLONEL MERIAN
And you Mister Connally have been demoted to 02. Upon arrival in Udorn you will receive training and serve as Weapons Systems Operator.
CONNALLY
A backseater! Why not just kill me now?
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Character introductions
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I shouldn’t just introduce my characters as a throw away part of my script, and actions speak louder than words.
CONNOR MURPHY:
He’s introduced in his house, about to go to work.
First action: He polishes his badge, turns about from his reflection
First dialogue: “Now honey, please remember to…”
MALLORY MURPHY:
She’s introduced in her home, preparing dinner
First action: She’s chopping up a bloody side of beef
First dialogue: “I can’t wait for tonight!”
WESTON TRENT:
He’s introduced in a bar, drinking alone.
First action: He bumps into Connor, seemingly drunk
First dialogue: “I’m gonna go hit the head”
SHANNON DOYLE:
She’s introduced just outside of her home
First action: She waters her rose bushes
First dialogue: “Mallory…”
NEW INTRODUCTION TYPE(S):
Action shows primary traits.
Other character’s reaction to this character.
Build the Character’s reputation.
Character philosophy
The reveal opening.
POSSIBLE REWRITES:
Connor tries to drink his coffee black, but instead indulges in sugary creamer.
Connor enters the police station to applause! He just solved a recent armed robbery case and everyone is congratulating him.
Connor finds a long black hair in his shower. He questions his wife about it and nicely reminds her that cleanliness is next to godliness
Connor is first seen on the job, over a bloody body. But he’s on the phone laughing with his wife and making jokes.
Mallory brings freshly baked cookies to the police station to celebrate the Captain’s birthday
Mallory hosts a retirement party for Connor’s partner, Charles but she is still the center of attention
Mallory prunes her rose bushes, talking to and belittling the less pretty blooms as she snips them
Mallory is actually a biology teacher and dissects a cow’s heart for her class
Weston tries to sneak a look at the case Connor just solved but gets shut down
Weston crashes the party but gets escorted out by some officers per Connor’s orders
Weston plants some evidence at a crime scene to frame a guilty man (kidnapping case?)
A murder occurs and Weston is close by when it happens. Unfortunately he doesn’t witness much but he’s determined to help solve it.
Shannon snips one of Mallory’s rose blooms while she isn’t looking
Shannon crosses the yard to say good morning to Mallory while Mallory pleads with Connor to stay so Mallory doesn’t have to talk to Shannon
Shannon loses a bake-off competition to Mallory and takes it really hard
Shannon appears at the Captain’s retirement party, also with baked treats and informally competes with Mallory which of their desserts taste best
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Benito Selim’s Character Intros
What I learned doing this assignment is there are many ways of approaching your character’s introduction regardless of the genre. You want the intros to stand out and grab not only the actor’s attention but also your audience. The character’s introduction sets the tone of the script and determines how the flow of your story goes.
Title: Detour
Two sisters and their friends on their way to the Florida Keys for spring break become stranded in the everglades. Their situation becomes dire as they are hunted by reptiles who have grown mysteriously aggressive, unprovoked.
CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS
ORIGINAL SCRIPT
In the first version of my script, I found my main character Kayla didn’t speak first nor did she have a lot of lines. I made the mistake of putting her into a party scene and having the supporting characters carry the scene.
After examining my original opening and doing this assignment, I have changed my entire character introduction.
REVISED SCRIPT
SUPER: UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI
INT. CLASSROOM DAY
Writing on a huge BLACK BOARD displays MIDTERM. STUDENTS rush to get done with their test. KAYLA EVAN, 22 college student exchanges text messages with her love interest Brian.
PROFESSOR- You all have ten minutes til pencils down.
Kayla continues to text and gives a giggle. The professor gives notice, Kayla takes a pause then sends a KISSING FACE EMOJI. Kayla collects her test and drops it onto the professor desk. Kayla exits.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS COURTYARD- LATER
Kayla makes her way through the campus. Different groups of men cat call to her, she smiles but no gives no other reaction.
Kayla meets up with her sorority sisters MEGAN SMITH, 21 the privileged heiress, and CANDY STEVENS, 21 a gullible sweetheart. The girls sit at a table.
KAYLA- That midterm cut into my nail appointment.
MEGAN- Tell me about it. Imagine having to do good in school just to make money at a job that you got from a degree.
CANDY- At the least the midterm proctor was cute for my last test.
KAYLA- That’s good. Well, no more tests for a few weeks. At least for me. My sister on the other hand.
Megan turns to Kayla
MEGAN- You’re coming out tonight, right?
KAYLA- Of course, but I’ll have to meet you guys there. I have some stuff to handle.
LYNETTE EVANS, 21 socially awkward and sharp academic college student, makes her way across the courtyard towards Kayla. Lynette gives notice Megan and Candy; she gives an exhale.
MEGAN- Buzzkill at twelve’ o clock.
Megan pulls at Candy to leave with her. Lynette joins the girls.
CANDY- got to run, hi Lynette.
Lynette gives a forced smile. Megan and Candy exit.
KAYLA- Did you enjoy your test?
LYNETTE- I got them done, I wouldn’t say enjoyable. Are you done for the day?
KAYLA- Pretty much, I was gonna go get my nails done. We’re all going to the bar tonight; you want to come?
LYNETTE- Have you packed yet? We must be at the station at eight am tomorrow.
Kayla scrolls through her phone.
KAYLA- I’ll do it later, I have time.
LYNETTE- Kayla, eight am tomorrow. I got to go; I’ll see you at home.
Lynette exits. Kayla cheers as she received a text from Megan that reads “Brian will be at the bar tonight”.
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Leo Character Intros
What I learned doing this assignment is that the first description of a character in a script can contain non-visual information. I was actually told this about seven years ago, but I didn’t think that it was true. But, if Hal says it, it must be correct.
Protagonist – Acadia
I’ve been told she was too weepy and not strong enough. So, I added actions that can show primary traits. I also dropped the antagonist from this beat, so that his intro can be stronger.
The script begins with a flashback to Acadia and her future husband Ben in combat in Iraq.
OLD VERSION
American soldier ACADIA, 25, takes cover behind a low wall.
NEW VERSION
American soldier ACADIA, 25, slim, serious, no-nonsense, and dedicated, takes cover behind a low wall.
Ben has been killed in combat and the next scene is his funeral in New Orleans.
OLD VERSION
EXT. NEW ORLEANS CEMETERY – DAY
Louder thunder. A New Orleans jazz band, led by LOUIS, 70, booms Amazing Grace.
An honor guard carries flag covered casket to front of mausoleum with name WILDER above entrance.
They stop in front of Acadia, seated in chair, surrounded by well-wishers. BIANCA DUVAL, 60, dressed in bright colors and too much jewelry, sits next to Acadia.
MIA, dance instructor, 16, stands nearby with a group of younger kids.
Acadia cries.
At a distance, a black-hooded man, wearing gloves, FABIEN BROUSSARD, handsome, Mediterranean-looking, 30ish, watches. He notices Mia.
Bianca tries to get Acadia to make the sign of the cross. Acadia shakes her head “No”.
NEW VERSION
Acadia’s action is different and the reference to FABIEN, the Antagonist, is omitted so he can be introduced more dramatically, not as someone in the background.
MIA, dance instructor, 16, stands nearby with a group of younger kids.
Acadia breaths deeply as she tries to hold back her tears.
Bianca tries to get Acadia to make the sign of the cross. Acadia shakes her head “No”.
SECOND ACTION CHANGE
OLD VERSION
Acadia opens her eyes.
Honor guard member offers folded flag to Acadia. From Acadia’s POV the honor guards hands look like a skeleton’s for a second. She is startled, but then the hands are normal. She accepts the folded flag.
NEW VERSION
Acadia opens her eyes.
Honor guard member offers folded flag to Acadia. From Acadia’s POV the honor guards hands look like a skeleton’s for a second. She is startled, but then the hands are normal. She stands. Snaps to attention and salutes the honor guard member. He returns her salute and hands her the flag. She remains standing at attention as the funeral proceeds.
Antagonist – Fabien
The change made here is adding the initial description of Fabien, since I have removed him from the funeral scene. The old version simply said:
Fabien enters. Stops in front of captive.
NEW VERSION
INT. GENTLEMEN’S CLUB DUNGEON – CONTINUOUS
DEMONIC FACE like the one on the devil statue in Afghanistan glows on the wall.
A young female CAPTIVE is chained to the floor in front of the wall. A key like symbol is on the floor.
She struggles with the chains. Moans and screams.
A silhouette of a man appears in the doorway.
FABIEN BROUSSARD, handsome, Mediterranean-looking, 30ish, hiding vile secrets and vengeful desires under his dashing exterior, enters the room.
FABIEN
Silence, whore.
Captive looks up terrified.
Fabien leans over close to her face and smiles lovingly.
FABIEN
Do you want to be free?
CAPTIVE
Yes, please. Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t know about the forbidden room. I was just curious.
Fabien looks at her with feigned sympathy.
FABIEN
I understand. You meant no harm.
CAPTIVE
No, I did, not. Please.
FABIEN
Very well.
Captive looks relived. Hopeful.
His fangs appear. Fabien bites captive on her neck. He pulls out a knife and slashes open her chest.
He drops the knife. Claws extend from his fingertips. He reaches into Captive’s chest and pulls out her heart.
He tosses her on the floor. Walks over to the face on the wall.
He holds out Captive’s heart.
FABIEN
For you, Asmodeus, my lord.
A snake-like tongue comes out of the glowing face on the wall.
FABIEN
Our day of revenge approaches.
He places the heart on the tongue, which pulls it into its mouth.
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Susan Character Intros
What I learned from this assignment is that this exercise made me delve even deeper into the depths of the characters.
Kari
Beginning: Goes on wild romantic splurge with Jack
Middle: Settles down with John, but is in an abusive relationship
End: Finds herself and leaves all the unhealthy men in her life
1. Kari meets Jack while in a distant, unfulfilling relationship.
2. She breaks up with her boyfriend and is with Jack until he proposes.
3. She returns to her boyfriend and marries him.
4. The relationship turns abusive
5. She meets JJ, who fulfills her emotional needs but overwhelms her.
6. She meets Bridget, who opens her eyes about her marriage.
7. She gathers the strength to leave the unhealthy men in her life.
I currently have a rather lame introduction for Kari. Working as a veterinarian, she appears in her office, saying good-bye to a customer. John is in the waiting room, and reacts to her, but she herself doesn’t do much. Instead, a fight between pets (two dogs?) could erupt in the waiting room, and she plunges into the fight with no care for her own safety. Even better, the fight could begin between two customers (there is a foul-mouthed parrot and children in the waiting room), and the dogs could be sparked through their owner’s anger.
She could be bitten in the fight, but brush off any attempts to help her, which would illustrate her strength and independence (which is whittled away throughout the script). This would be more exciting and show her main flaw/challenge: of depriving herself in the interest of others. I could also have the waiting customers speak highly of her just before the dog fight breaks out.
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John
Beginning: Neglects Kari until he loses her
Middle: Through devious means secures an animal sanctuary for Kari and wins her back
End: Once he’s achieved his prize, he neglects/abuses her again and loses her
1. John takes his girlfriend’s dog for a haircut and lightly poisons her that night.
2. John launches into his plan to steal his grandmother’s house and put her in a nursing home.
3. John builds an animal sanctuary by his grandmother’s house to win back Kari.
4. John’s control over Kari grows.
5. Kari confronts John about the dog and his grandmother.
6. John accuses Kari of cheating (rather than admit his wrongdoing) and leaves her in a wildfire.
Currently, John’s second scene is more engaging than his introduction. I have him seeing Kari at the vet’s office and falling for her. He then (for reasons that will be clear later) picks up his girlfriend’s dog and takes it to the groomer. Instead, he could easily be the perpetrator of the fight that Kari breaks up. This would demonstrate his primary bully tendencies, and I could have the people in the waiting room reacting to him. I would need to frame the fight so that he could interpret it as victimizing him, and that could gain Kari’s sympathy. This would be a much more dramatic way for them to meet too and could pave the way for some future conversations with them.
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