-
Day 6 Assignments
Reply to post your assignment.
-
152 Replies
-
Alice Ready for Critique!
Miropolis. Separation.
Part 1
OPENING SCENE:
‘Ongoing Experiment checking on how artificial nano-death works.’
LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left. Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.
We move upper into grey space.
QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)
What new qualities did you acquire?
ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)
I can move walls apart!
EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.
Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.
Hands disattach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.
JUDGE (O.S.)
That is a FISH! He caught it!
Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.
INCITING INCIDENT:
Digital image on the screen of small plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water plane from one shore to another.
View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, with small piece of island at equator, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South of Eastern hemisphere.
Plane travels above at the North from right to left.
View widens farther on, and we see this small digital screen fixed on the back of one of the chairs, and we are on the plane, now in the air.
This is…
Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth count.
North of Miropolis. Plane crosses from their Far East, Hawaii-like resort area back to Eastern shore of Western Hemisphere. Just some strip of Ocean water.
PILOT (O.S.)
Free citizens of the WEST! We are experiencing slight weather trouble due to the Northern winds, please remain seated. Landing on East Shore of Miropolis in about one and a half hours supposedly.
Really, plane shakes a bit, moving up and down under winds.
THANAKH, (34), middle-height, light-haired, even-tempered, as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal, Scientist working at Research Institute, travels back with his girlfriend KIAT (27), subtle attractive brunet, her skin darkened under sun they spent weekend under.
THANAKH
Kiat, awake, we are home!
Kiat awakes, pulls out cosmetic mirror, and puts on lipstick, making her lips really dark red.
She glances on Thanakh, and they hold hands, trying to make it less visible, and looking away from each other.
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – DAY
Small but cozy one-room apartment of Thanakh, which combines bedroom, guest room with a screen, and office with computer, is submerged in dusk.
Thanakh enters. Phone rings. He picks it up.
THANAKH
Hello!
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Did you receive documentation?
THANAKH
Yes.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You have to be prepared to speak tomorrow!
THANAKH
It’s done. Are you sure it went thru?
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You had to read it already!
SHORT AFTER
Thanakh switches comp on, and gets to window, displaying files, all reports from labs quarter work he needs to speak of at tomorrow’s meeting. He opens first file, and makes printout, as he reads it briefly on screen.
INT. PROTAGONIST’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
One of the files appears to be dark, he cannot open it. It belongs to report on ANAUPSH lab, her name typed above.
Thanakh clicks on it a few times, then relaxes back on a chair.
THANAKH
Damaged!
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Empty night street. Thanakh jumps into taxi to run to Research Institute, where he can retrieve that file.
EXT. BEFORE GATES OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Sideway of RI, where there is security check.
Thanakh jumps out of taxi, running inside.
INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh runs inside past security. He doesn’t stop to check.
SECURITY GUY
In a hurry?
THANAKH
File doesn’t open.
Goes on his way.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Dark desolated office.
Thanakh switches comp on, opens file, an attempts to print it, but printer is lacking paper.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Thanakh unlocks wall cabinet, searching for printing paper.
Voice at the back.
NIGHT GUARD (O.S.)
What are you doing in here?
THANAKH
And you?
Thanakh turns around to face Night Guard. Night Guard drops gun down.
NIGHT GUARD
Ahh, this is you!
THANAKH
Don’t play on my nerves, don’t stay at my back.
Guard walks away down the corridor.
Thanakh pulls out box with printing paper, and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy.
There is some weakness in the way he walks down the dark corridor, illuminated only by blue light out of windows. As if he is an expected pray and is doomed.
Shouts to his back.
THANAKH
Hey!
Night Guard doesn’t turn, instead making pacifying gesture with his hand, still holding weapon down. And continues his relaxed night walk.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Thanakh continues on files, as radiophone beeps. It prints in red dots on small display ‘I LOVE YOU’. This is message from Kiat.
Thanakh continues to work. And falls asleep right there at the desk.
INT. SOMEONE’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Alarm works. Man jumps from bed.
INT. OFFICE – MORNING
Thanakh looks down into window, he can see this man, one of lab workers, coming. Kiat is still not there.
INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – MORNING
Amid couple of others, Thanakh walks down noisy corridor of Research Institute, holding his documents. He keeps glancing over them, as if suspicious over something in printout of that file.
Woman of rather small height passes him, walking at another direction. He turns after her, looking at her back.
THANAKH
Is it Anaupsh?
FIRST TURNING POINT:
Thanakh’s lab. A couple of workers, mostly young, and girls, in white lab attires. Thanakh looks around.
THANAKH
Where is Kiat?
He receives back conspicuous glances from girls around, hiding jealousy, saying silently how he is cheated over man.
INT. STORAGE ROOM – MORNING
Dark figures on background of day-light windows of small storage room. Anaupsh violently fights Kiat.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Thanakh calls Kiat. She doesn’t pick it up, and he leaves a message.
THANAKH
Kiat, you weren’t at the lab today. Call me!
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Signal of Digital Clock on the wall, its disc white on the left and black on the right, representing two Archipelagoes, to indicate global time.
ARTIFICIAL VOICE (O.S.)
TIME of MIROPOLIS has STOPPED!
Arrows holt.
Thanakh worn out rests on the sofa. Awaken by signal, he glances at his wrist watch.
Digital Display with small window on top, showing Seconds and Minutes counting extra time.
Kiat didn’t call back.
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh visits Kiat’s apartment.
Comes, rings door bell.
Door nearby opens, middle-aged woman in there. Looks with a smile.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She doesn’t live here anymore.
Thanakh gives her questioning look.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She didn’t appear for two nights.
Those might be two nights they spent on the weekend! What a lie!
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh comes back, and calls the door of that neighbor. Silence, then steps.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
What do you need?
Seeing expression on Thanakh’s face, she recalls what’s that about, and smiles, enjoying the process.
THANAKH
Did she turn in?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
No, she left.
Thanakh glances back at the door.
THANAKH
Did she gather her stuff?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
Yes.
She’s perceptibly lying.
INT. KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Kiat’s one-room apartment, with shadowed windows, neatly kept, but few things, bearing signs of her leaving at the morning. Open door of a closet. Jumper thrown on the bed.
Entrance door cracks, pressed from outside. Lock gives in.
LATER
A couple of policemen under chief, accompanied by Thanakh.
POLICE CHIEF
Women leave.
THANAKH
She didn’t take clothes.
POLICE CHIEF
Do you have in mind, where she could go?
THANAKH
No. She needs reappear at her working place!
POLICE CHIEF
Maybe, she flied across the boundary?
THANAKH
Without clothes, money, and documents?
Police Officer looks around apartment, as if searching for the answer, but missing it.
INT. AUDITORY – DAY
Crowd of RI workers sits in ascending rows, under bluish-colored wall. Every face is distinct.
Thanakh stands some distance before them, lecturing.
THANAKH
We have here conditions for working on science, on our subject. These conditions are supposed to be comfortable, so that we could address, occupy, dedicate to our ongoing researches, working and learning. This is a place for juniors and interns to get education. I would confess how I mostly am connected to the research of my lab I’m a head of. And maybe paying not enough attention, or not follow closely enough what is ongoing at jointed labs. Still, I am genuinely aggravated that no one pays attention at a fact person has disappeared. If someone would work day after day for a period, short or long, I would at least ask the question, where is he going, or where did he went? We’ve got so many lab workers. I personally cannot keep track of all of them. But I cannot mark not who is present at my own lab who’s absent, because I need’em. How come no one questions Kiat’s absence? She was working on regular basis non-stop, dedicating to research and education, like all of you. And honestly, friends, I just don’t understand your indifference!
Thanakh stops with an air of translucency.
ALARM MAN
I’ve seen her that day.
Everyone looks at him. Man gets awkward.
ALARM MAN
I could’ve make a mistake. It was still dark then.
THANAKH
Did someone else disappear?
ADMINISTRATOR
Few people took leave from us.
THANAKH
Who are these?
ADMINISTRATOR
These are such, such, and such…
THANAKH
Did they submit documentation?
Administrator hesitates.
ADMINISTRATOR
It seems to me, I’ve seen one of it.
INT. RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Protagonist comes by the address of one of men who took leave.
Thanakh rings the bell. Door nearby opens. Man and woman behind it, sober faces.
THANAKH
Did he appear in here?
MAN
He left, not turning in.
Woman speaks, deeply offended.
WOMAN
We lived nearby of him for two years, he left not saying goodbye.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Middle-aged man talks quickly to Thanakh, leaning across table. He’s desperate. His face red and white from emotion. Hopelessness in his eyes deep, as a precipices.
DISTURBED MAN
My wife had disappeared. Please, look for her!
Shows a picture, a photograph. Desperate. Photo trembles in his shaking hands.
DISTURBED MAN
Here, please, take a look. She was working for you.
Thanakh dismisses him with calm gesture.
THANAKH
She probably was killed. Few people disappeared here. Don’t come in here anymore!
INT. SOCIAL SERVICES – EVENING
Thanakh is waiting to see an officer. He looks street side via window. Changes his mind, and walks away.
EXT. STREET PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Thanakh walks past long wall with slogan ‘WEST is ADVANTAGE. GET SEPARATION’ on it in huge letters.
At the start of slogan, huge photograph of smiling with assurance male is cut vertically on two equal parts.
Thanakh reaches phone booth, and dials his number.
RECEPTIONIST
ORGANIZATION. Officer in charge speaking.
THANAKH
This is Thanakh.
RECEPTIONIST
And what is your report?
THANAKH
No. I didn’t change my mind. I actually want ask you a question.
RECEPTIONIST
We don’t give answers for free. For the answer you need to pay back with report. Till next time!
Line disconnects.
-
Hey Alice! Want to exchange critiques?
-
Hello,Mathew, yes, but could you please use my second variation bellow?
-
-
Hi Alice. Sadly, first time I’ve read your fascinating work! Here are a few of my comments, written in BOLD. Best! Dev
OPENING SCENE:
‘Ongoing Experiment checking on how artificial nano-death works.’
LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left. Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.
We move upper into grey space.
QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)
What new qualities did you acquire?
ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)
I can move walls apart!
VERY POVOCATIVE OPENING! IMMEDIATELY GRABBED MY INTEREST.
EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.
Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.
Hands disattach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.
JUDGE (O.S.)
That is a FISH! He caught it!
Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.
INCITING INCIDENT: AS TO MY EXPERIENCE, INCITING INCIDENTS APPEARS TO HAPPEN WITHOUT THE PROTAGONIST’S KNOWLEDGE. DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.
Digital image on the screen of small plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water plane from one shore to another.
View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, with small piece of island at equator, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South of Eastern hemisphere.
Plane travels above at the North from right to left.
View widens farther on, and we see this small digital screen fixed on the back of one of the chairs, and we are on the plane, now in the air.
This is…
Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth count.
North of Miropolis. Plane crosses from their Far East, Hawaii-like resort area back to Eastern shore of Western Hemisphere. Just some strip of Ocean water.
PILOT (O.S.)
Free citizens of the WEST! We are experiencing slight weather trouble due to the Northern winds, please remain seated. Landing on East Shore of Miropolis in about one and a half hours supposedly.
Really, plane shakes a bit, moving up and down under winds.
THANAKH, (34), middle-height, light-haired, even-tempered, as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal, Scientist working at Research Institute, travels back with his girlfriend KIAT (27), subtle attractive brunet, her skin darkened under sun they spent weekend under.
THANAKH
Kiat, awake, we are home!
Kiat awakes, pulls out cosmetic mirror, and puts on lipstick, making her lips really dark red.
She glances on Thanakh, and they hold hands, trying to make it less visible, and looking away from each other. LOVELY VISUAL DESCRIPTION OF THEIR ATTEMPT TO HIDE THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – DAY
Small but cozy one-room apartment of Thanakh, which combines bedroom, guest room with a screen, and office with computer, is submerged in dusk.
Thanakh enters. Phone rings. He picks it up.
THANAKH
Hello!
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Did you receive documentation?
THANAKH
Yes.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You have to be prepared to speak tomorrow!
THANAKH
It’s done. Are you sure it went thru?
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You had to read it already!
SHORT AFTER
Thanakh switches comp on, and gets to window, displaying files, all reports from labs quarter work he needs to speak of at tomorrow’s meeting. He opens first file, and makes printout, as he reads it briefly on screen.
INT. PROTAGONIST’S APARTMENT – NIGHT –
SLUGLINE ABOVE: SUGGEST HAVING CHARACTER’S NAME INSTEAD OF PROTAGONIST.
One of the files appears to be dark, he cannot open it. It belongs to report on ANAUPSH lab, her name typed above.
Thanakh clicks on it a few times, then relaxes back on a chair. RELAXES? IF HE’S DISTURBED BY IT BEING DAMAGED, PERHAPS A BETTER DESCRIPTIVE WORD THAN “RELAXES” WHICH IMPLIES EASE NOT TENSION.
THANAKH
Damaged!
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Empty night street. Thanakh jumps into taxi to run to Research Institute, where he can retrieve that file.
EXT. BEFORE GATES OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Sideway of RI, where there is security check.
Thanakh jumps out of taxi, running inside.
INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh runs inside past security. He doesn’t stop to check.
SECURITY GUY
In a hurry?
THANAKH
File doesn’t open.
Goes on his way.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Dark desolated office.
Thanakh switches comp on, opens file, an attempts to print it, but printer is lacking paper.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Thanakh unlocks wall cabinet, searching for printing paper.
Voice at the back.
NIGHT GUARD (O.S.)
What are you doing in here?
THANAKH
And you?
Thanakh turns around to face Night Guard. Night Guard drops gun down.
NIGHT GUARD
Ahh, this is you!
THANAKH
Don’t play on my nerves, don’t stay at my back.
Guard walks away down the corridor.
Thanakh pulls out box with printing paper, and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy.
There is some weakness in the way he walks down the dark corridor, illuminated only by blue light out of windows. As if he is an expected pray (SP) (PREY0 and is doomed.
Shouts to his back.
THANAKH
Hey!
Night Guard doesn’t turn, instead making pacifying gesture with his hand, still holding weapon down. And continues his relaxed night walk.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Thanakh continues on files, as radiophone beeps. It prints in red dots on small display ‘I LOVE YOU’. This is message from Kiat.
Thanakh continues to work. And falls asleep right there at the desk.
INT. SOMEONE’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Alarm works. Man jumps from bed.
INT. OFFICE – MORNING
Thanakh looks down into window, he can see this man, one of lab workers, coming. Kiat is still not there.
INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – MORNING
Amid couple of others, Thanakh walks down noisy corridor of Research Institute, holding his documents. He keeps glancing over them, as if suspicious over something in printout of that file.
Woman of rather small height passes him, walking at another direction. He turns after her, looking at her back.
THANAKH
Is it Anaupsh?
FIRST TURNING POINT: SUGGEST THAT FIRST TURNING POINT COME NEAR END OF FIRST ACT.
Thanakh’s lab. A couple of workers, mostly young, and girls, in white lab attires. Thanakh looks around.
THANAKH
Where is Kiat?
He receives back conspicuous glances from girls around, hiding jealousy, saying silently how he is cheated over man.
INT. STORAGE ROOM – MORNING
Dark figures on background of day-light windows of small storage room. Anaupsh violently fights Kiat.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Thanakh calls Kiat. She doesn’t pick it up, and he leaves a message.
THANAKH
Kiat, you weren’t at the lab today. Call me!
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Signal of Digital Clock on the wall, its disc white on the left and black on the right, representing two Archipelagoes, to indicate global time.
ARTIFICIAL VOICE (O.S.)
TIME of MIROPOLIS has STOPPED!
Arrows holt.
Thanakh worn out rests on the sofa. Awaken by signal, he glances at his wrist watch.
Digital Display with small window on top, showing Seconds and Minutes counting extra time.
Kiat didn’t call back.
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh visits Kiat’s apartment.
Comes, rings door bell.
Door nearby opens, middle-aged woman in there. Looks with a smile.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She doesn’t live here anymore.
Thanakh gives her questioning look.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She didn’t appear for two nights.
Those might be two nights they spent on the weekend! What a lie!
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh comes back, and calls the door of that neighbor. Silence, then steps.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
What do you need?
Seeing expression on Thanakh’s face, she recalls what’s that about, and smiles, enjoying the process.
THANAKH
Did she turn in? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS PHRASE.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
No, she left.
Thanakh glances back at the door.
THANAKH
Did she gather her stuff?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
Yes.
She’s perceptibly lying.
INT. KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Kiat’s one-room apartment, with shadowed windows, neatly kept, but few things, bearing signs of her leaving at the morning. Open door of a closet. Jumper thrown on the bed.
Entrance door cracks, pressed from outside. Lock gives in.
LATER
A couple of policemen under chief, accompanied by Thanakh.
POLICE CHIEF
Women leave.
THANAKH
She didn’t take clothes.
POLICE CHIEF
Do you have in mind, where she could go?
THANAKH
No. She needs reappear at her working place!
POLICE CHIEF
Maybe, she flied across the boundary?
THANAKH
Without clothes, money, and documents?
Police Officer looks around apartment, as if searching for the answer, but missing it.
INT. AUDITORY – DAY
Crowd of RI workers sits in ascending rows, under bluish-colored wall. Every face is distinct.
Thanakh stands some distance before them, lecturing.
THANAKH
We have here conditions for working on science, on our subject. These conditions are supposed to be comfortable, so that we could address, occupy, dedicate to our ongoing researches, working and learning. This is a place for juniors and interns to get education. I would confess how I mostly am connected to the research of my lab I’m a head of. And maybe paying not enough attention, or not follow closely enough what is ongoing at jointed labs. Still, I am genuinely aggravated that no one pays attention at a fact person has disappeared. If someone would work day after day for a period, short or long, I would at least ask the question, where is he going, or where did he went? We’ve got so many lab workers. I personally cannot keep track of all of them. But I cannot mark not who is present at my own lab who’s absent, because I need’em. How come no one questions Kiat’s absence? She was working on regular basis non-stop, dedicating to research and education, like all of you. And honestly, friends, I just don’t understand your indifference!
Thanakh stops with an air of translucency.
ALARM MAN
I’ve seen her that day.
Everyone looks at him. Man gets awkward.
ALARM MAN
I could’ve make a mistake. It was still dark then.
THANAKH
Did someone else disappear?
ADMINISTRATOR
Few people took leave from us.
THANAKH
Who are these?
ADMINISTRATOR
These are such, such, and such…
THANAKH
Did they submit documentation?
Administrator hesitates.
ADMINISTRATOR
It seems to me, I’ve seen one of it.
INT. RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Protagonist comes by the address of one of men who took leave. NOT APPROPRIATE TO USE ‘PROTAGONIST.’ SUGGEST USING CHARACTER’S NAME.
Thanakh rings the bell. Door nearby opens. Man and woman behind it, sober faces.
THANAKH
Did he appear in here?
MAN
He left, not turning in. I DON’T UNDERSTAND “NOT TURNING IN.’
Woman speaks, deeply offended.
WOMAN
We lived nearby of him for two years, he left not saying goodbye.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Middle-aged man talks quickly to Thanakh, leaning across table. He’s desperate. His face red and white from emotion. Hopelessness in his eyes deep, as a precipices.
DISTURBED MAN
My wife had disappeared. Please, look for her!
Shows a picture, a photograph. Desperate. Photo trembles in his shaking hands.
DISTURBED MAN
Here, please, take a look. She was working for you.
Thanakh dismisses him with calm gesture.
THANAKH
She probably was killed. Few people disappeared here. Don’t come in here anymore!
INT. SOCIAL SERVICES – EVENING
Thanakh is waiting to see an officer. He looks street side via window. Changes his mind, and walks away.
EXT. STREET PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Thanakh walks past long wall with slogan ‘WEST is ADVANTAGE. GET SEPARATION’ on it in huge letters.
At the start of slogan, huge photograph of smiling with assurance male is cut vertically on two equal parts.
Thanakh reaches phone booth, and dials his number.
RECEPTIONIST
ORGANIZATION. Officer in charge speaking.
THANAKH
This is Thanakh.
RECEPTIONIST
And what is your report?
THANAKH
No. I didn’t change my mind. I actually want ask you a question.
RECEPTIONIST
We don’t give answers for free. For the answer you need to pay back with report. Till next time!
Line disconnects. THOUGH I HAD SOME DIFFICULTLY UNDERSTANDING SOME OF YOUR DIALOGUE DUE TO LANGUAGE, I WAS TOTALLY ENGAGED AND HAVE BEEN LEFT WANTING TO READ MORE! MY BIGGEST COMMENT IS THAT THE INCITING INCIDENT IS UNSEEN BY THE PROTAGONIST AND ONLY BY THE AUDIENCE. FOR ME, THAT CHOICE DOES NOT WORK. ALSO, YOUR TURNING PLOT WAS MORE OF A PLOT POINT.
VERY INTERESTING ATMOSPHERE AND GREAT DESCRIPTIONS – THOUGH SOMETIMES AWKWARD DUE TO LANGUAGE DIFFERENCES. I ALSO LOVE THE DARK, ESTRANGED MOOD OF YOUR STORY. VERY EFFECTIVE.
DEV
-
Hey Dev,
Thank you for your generosity. Really, ‘turn in’ doesn’t mean what I believe it does. I changed thst. I meant, they are coming back by that. Your words are very encouraging!
-
-
Hey Alice!
Here are my notes!
_______
OPENING SCENE:
‘Ongoing Experiment checking on how artificial nano-death works.’
[NOTE: While the concept and following visuals assist me in knowing what I’m supposed to be imagining, highlighting “OPENING SCENE” instead of telling us where we are (INT/EXT. PLACE – TIME OF DAY) is customary and more specific. I think the above works for notes to keep you as the writer on track, but your script should include a “SUPERIMPOSE” such as…
SUPERIMPOSE: Artificial nano-death. Test 47
…something of that nature gives us the same information while keeping us moving in the script.]
LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left. Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.
We move upper into grey space.
[NOTE: Dev’s notes pretty much get to the heart of the issue. Blocks of text work for novels and short stories. They’re death to scripts and comics. Frank Darabont has a great writing style for screenplays to copy and learn from while you develop your own style. In the meantime, I’d avoid breaking the fourth wall with pronouns such as “We” unless the fourth wall break is to communicate a tone or personality with your writing. Camera instructions are best saved for the cinematographer, who, if your lucky, will ignore whatever camera directions you came up with because he/she is a master of their craft in the same way you’ll be a master of yours, and they will shoot your movie in a way that makes you look way better than you already are.]
QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)
What new qualities did you acquire?
ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)
I can move walls apart!
[NOTE: I actually kind of like this exchange. It sets up multiple concepts – even death is artificial in the future, and it can yield supernatural abilities. I immediately want to keep reading to see how death and newfound powers are connected and affect the greater world.]
EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.
Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.
Hands disattach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.
[NOTE: There’s some nice descriptive text here. I personally don’t care for the “aerial view” description (see notes on camera instructions above) but I do get a decent idea of what I’m looking at. “Hands disattach it from fishing line” is a good example of taking us to a shot without saying “we see” or “zoom in on.” Disattach isn’t a word, but detach is. More on the camera angle note, I think I gave the same note to Lisa. Screenplays are like poems in that they’re one of the only written medias where we expect to see more white space on a page than written text, which means, just like with poetry, every word matters. Camera descriptions like “we see” are as wasteful to your vision as adverbs, though you’ll still see both in many professional scripts as sometimes they just can’t be avoided. The more you can can emphasize a wide vocabulary of nouns, verbs, metaphors, font size, etc. the more power you give your script. The screenplay for A QUIET PLACE is probably the most extreme example, but that’s what makes it another good resource to learn from. I’ve included a link below…
https://www.scriptslug.com/assets/scripts/a-quiet-place-2018.pdf
]
JUDGE (O.S.)
That is a FISH! He caught it!
Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.
[NOTE: Nice descriptive text for Judge. I get a very clear mental image.]
INCITING INCIDENT:
Digital image on the screen of small plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water plane from one shore to another.
[NOTE: You don’t have to tell the audience what the inciting incident is. They’ll know intuitively based on the flow of your story. I don’t know where the digital image comes in. Is it something the Judge is looking at? If we’re cutting to a digital image like those sequences in the INDIANA JONES movies with the plane flying around the world, that may be a good place for some editorial instructions like “CUT TO” and a scene heading “DIGITAL SCREEN.” Like with camera instructions, I would limit instructions for an editor, unless it’s for moments like this where it’s vital to our understanding the flow of your narrative.]
View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, with small piece of island at equator, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South of Eastern hemisphere.
[NOTE: This is not an inciting incident. We’re being introduced slowly to your world. It feels like the opening of an anime to me for some reason. Maybe it’s the slow build and focus on society as a whole before transitioning to a handful of key characters, similar to the opening of AKIRA or some of the scenes in GHOST IN THE SHELL. It’s not a bad thing, either. Your inciting incident can come later in the next few pages.]
[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of page 1. It’s a promising start to your story. You have two moments that intrigue me: the artificial death leading to greater power, and this taking place on another planet in the future. The Judge scene feels out of place, but like I said, so do many moments in anime. It’s a difference between how Westerners and the Japanese tell stories, and just take some getting used to and seeing the whole picture.]
________
ON THE TWIST…
There are some good twists and turns in these first few pages that kept me engaged.
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
I think the moment Kiat disappears is your inciting incident. I got the impression that Kiat and Thanakh were lovers. I’d love to have more time with them, see their connection to each other, then have her go missing. That way, we can see more of what Thanakh has to lose when he discovers Kiat’s gone.
ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…
The dialogue reads like an English dub, which considering the context is understandable. Still, the intended meaning behind some of the words and actions still carried through and did provide some enjoyable moments. I liked the “We don’t give answers for free” line; that gave me some more understanding on how this world works and what it has in similarity to our own.
I’m fascinated to know what part of the world you’re from and what influences you have for your writing. There’s a lot here from the concept alone that will draw interest from SciFi fans worldwide.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Hello Cameron,
I’m so happy to find your review, always. It was quite helpful.
I liked your example so much that I employed it right away, (SUPERIMPOSE)
This is time obviously to clean up the s creepy and add things like that, though I’m not quite ready with it, what could be done.
I removed all ‘WE’s. About dialog, its not very encouraging to read that resembles English dub, but its honest, and makes me face it. I wanna justify myself, because I want it sound in particular way, they I don’t want to change that. I did what I could now.
Slogan, which you liked, ‘we don’t give answers for free’, I changed that after what you say, as I don’t wanna be so obvious. I’m pretty international.
Maybe KIAT’s disappearance is inciting incident, though I all the time believed it to be A Point at the end of Act One (its quick, but that is just first part) and Inciting Incident when file doesn’t open (as it sets villain hidden plot on) It’s my fault. I changed all outline stages into scene description. Though your conception varies from mine, that is either author’s fault or sophisticated content with idioms. About things like this anyone can think anything they want.
Cheers
Alice
-
Hey Alice,
It’s never my intention to discourage, and I’m sorry if I insulted you. I realize I can be too blunt sometimes, a consequence of the culture and family I grew up in (I joke that Sarcasm is our first language and English is our second). I can’t imagine how difficult it is to write in a different language, and I want you to know I believe in you and your story, and am cheering for it to be as amazing as I know you’re capable of making it. I’ll be sure to check myself next time and make sure my notes are a lot kinder.
Best regards,
Cam
-
Hey Cam!
Discourage? No, by no chance. No insult at all. Contrary, you make me see it. Sarcasm is our first tongue! YESS!
-
-
-
-
Miropolis. Separation.
First ten pages, Version 2
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. INNER WORLD INSIDE OF HUMAN AS DIGITAL REPRESENTATION – OUT OF TIME
SUPERIMPOSE: Artificial nano-death. Test 43-157.
LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left.
Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.
Vision in slow motion floats up into grey space.
QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)
What new qualities did you acquire?
ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)
I can move walls apart!
EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.
Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.
Hands detach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.
JUDGE (O.S.)
That is a FISH! He caught it!
Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.
INT./EXT. PLANE IN THE AIR – DAY
Flat screen with digital image showcasing miniature plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water surface from one shore to another.
View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South hemisphere.
Plane travels above at the North from right to left.
View widens farther on, small digital screen is one of many fixed on the backs of chairs, interior of the plane, now in the air.
This is…
SUPERIMPOSE: Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth count.
North of Miropolis. Plane crosses from their Far East, Hawaii-like resort area back to Eastern shore of Western Hemisphere. Just some strip of Ocean water.
PILOT (O.S.)
Free citizens of the WEST! We are experiencing slight weather trouble due to the Northern winds, please remain seated. Landing on East Shore of Miropolis in about one and a half hour supposedly.
Really, plane shakes a bit, moving up and down under winds.
THANAKH, (34), middle-height, light-haired, even-tempered, as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal, Scientist working at Research Institute, travels back with his girlfriend KIAT (27), subtle attractive brunet, her skin darkened under sun they spent weekend under.
THANAKH
Kiat, awake, we are home!
Kiat awakes, pulls out cosmetic mirror, and puts on lipstick, making her lips really dark red.
She glances on Thanakh, and they hold hands, trying to make it less visible, and looking away from each other.
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – DAY
Small but cozy one-room apartment of Thanakh, which combines bedroom, guest room with a screen, and office with computer, is submerged in dusk.
Thanakh enters. Phone rings. He picks it up.
THANAKH
Hello!
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Did you receive documentation?
THANAKH
Yes.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You have to be prepared to speak tomorrow!
THANAKH
It’s done. Are you sure it went thru?
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You had to read it already!
SHORT AFTER
Thanakh switches comp on, and gets to window, displaying files, all reports from labs quarter work he needs to speak of at tomorrow’s meeting. He opens first file, and makes printout, as he reads it briefly on screen.
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
One of the files appears to be dark, he cannot open it. It belongs to report on ANAUPSH lab, her name typed above.
Thanakh clicks on file icon a couple of times, then hits back on a chair.
THANAKH
Damaged!
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Empty night street. Thanakh jumps into taxi to run to Research Institute, where he can retrieve that file.
EXT. BEFORE GATES OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Sideway of RI, where there is security check.
Thanakh jumps out of taxi, running inside.
INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh runs inside.
SECURITY GUY
In a hurry?
THANAKH
File doesn’t open.
Goes on his way.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Dark desolated office.
Thanakh switches comp on, opens file, an attempts to print it, but printer is lacking paper.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Thanakh unlocks wall cabinet, searching for printing paper.
Voice at the back.
NIGHT GUARD (O.S.)
What are you doing in here?
THANAKH
And you?
Thanakh turns around to face Night Guard. Night Guard drops gun down.
NIGHT GUARD
Ahh, this is you!
THANAKH
Don’t play on my nerves, don’t stay at my back.
Guard walks away down the corridor.
Thanakh pulls out box with paper, and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy.
There is some weakness in the way he walks down the dark corridor, illuminated only by blue light out of windows. As if he is an expected pray and is doomed.
Shouts to his back.
THANAKH
Hey!
Night Guard doesn’t turn, instead making pacifying gesture with his hand, still holding weapon down. And continues his relaxed night walk.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Thanakh continues on files, as radiophone beeps. It prints in red dots on small display ‘I LOVE YOU’. This is message from Kiat.
Thanakh continues to work. And falls asleep right there at the desk.
INT. ALARM MAN’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Alarm works. Man jumps from bed.
INT. OFFICE – MORNING
Thanakh looks down into window, he can see this man, one of lab workers, coming. Kiat is still not there.
INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – MORNING
Amid couple of others, Thanakh walks down noisy corridor of Research Institute, holding his documents. He keeps glancing over them, as if suspicious over something in printout of that file.
Woman of rather small height passes him, walking at another direction. He turns after her, looking at her back.
THANAKH
Is it Anaupsh?
INT. THANAKH’S LAB – AFTERNOON
Thanakh is back after lecture.
He looks around of a couple of workers, mostly young, and girls, in white lab attires.
THANAKH
Where is Kiat?
He receives back conspicuous glances from girls around, hiding jealousy, saying silently how he is cheated over man.
INT. STORAGE ROOM – MORNING
Dark figures on background of day-light windows of small storage room. Anaupsh violently fights Kiat.
INT. OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Thanakh calls Kiat. She doesn’t pick it up, and he leaves a message.
THANAKH
Kiat, you weren’t at the lab today. Call me!
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Signal of Digital Clock on the wall, its disc white on the left and black on the right, representing two Archipelagoes, to indicate global time.
ARTIFICIAL VOICE (O.S.)
TIME of MIROPOLIS has STOPPED!
Arrows holt.
Thanakh worn out rests on the sofa. Awaken by signal, he glances at his wrist watch.
Digital Display with small window on top, showing Seconds and Minutes counting extra time.
Kiat didn’t call back.
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh visits Kiat’s apartment.
Comes, rings door bell.
Door nearby opens, middle-aged woman in there. Looks with a smile.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She doesn’t live here anymore.
Thanakh gives her questioning look.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She didn’t appear for two nights.
Those might be two nights they spent on the weekend! What a lie!
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh comes back, and calls the door of that neighbor. Silence, then steps.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
What do you need?
Seeing expression on Thanakh’s face, she recalls what’s that about, and smiles, enjoying the process.
THANAKH
Did she return?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
No, she left.
Thanakh glances back at the door.
THANAKH
Did she gather her stuff?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
Yes.
She’s perceptibly lying.
INT. KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Kiat’s one-room apartment, with shadowed windows, neatly kept, but few things, bearing signs of her leaving at the morning. Open door of a closet. Jumper thrown on the bed.
Entrance door cracks, pressed from outside. Lock gives in.
LATER
A couple of policemen under chief, accompanied by Thanakh.
POLICE CHIEF
Women leave.
THANAKH
She didn’t pick up any of her clothes.
POLICE CHIEF
Do you have in mind, where she could go?
THANAKH
No. She needs to show up at her working place!
POLICE CHIEF
Maybe, she flied across the boundary?
THANAKH
Without clothes, money, and documents?
Police Officer looks around apartment, as if searching for the answer, but missing it.
INT. AUDITORY – DAY
Crowd of RI workers sits in ascending rows, under bluish-colored wall. Every face is distinct.
Thanakh stands some distance before them, lecturing.
THANAKH
We have here conditions for working on science, on our subject. These conditions are supposed to be comfortable, so that we could address, occupy, dedicate to our ongoing researches, working and learning. This is a place for juniors and interns to get education. I would confess how I mostly am connected to the research of my lab I’m a head of. And maybe paying not enough attention, or not follow closely enough what is ongoing at jointed labs. Still, I am genuinely aggravated that no one pays attention at a fact person has disappeared. If someone would work day after day for a period, short or long, I would at least ask the question, where is he going, or where did he went? We’ve got so many lab workers. I personally cannot keep track of all of them. But I cannot mark not who is present at my own lab who’s absent, because I need’em. How come no one questions Kiat’s absence? She was working on regular basis non-stop, dedicating to research and education, like all of you. And honestly, friends, I just don’t understand your indifference!
Thanakh stops with an air of translucency.
ALARM MAN
I’ve seen her that day.
Everyone looks at him. Man gets awkward.
ALARM MAN
I could’ve make a mistake. It was still dark then.
THANAKH
Did someone else disappear?
ADMINISTRATOR
Few people took leave from us.
THANAKH
Who are these?
ADMINISTRATOR
These are such, such, and such…
THANAKH
Did they submit documentation?
Administrator hesitates.
ADMINISTRATOR
It seems to me, I’ve seen one of it.
INT. RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Thanakh comes by the address of one of men who took leave.
Thanakh rings the bell. Door nearby opens. Man and woman behind it, sober faces.
THANAKH
Did he reappear in here?
MAN
He left, not showing up.
Woman speaks, deeply offended.
WOMAN
We lived nearby of him for two years, he left not saying goodbye.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Middle-aged man talks quickly to Thanakh, leaning across table. He’s desperate. His face red and white from emotion. Hopelessness in his eyes deep, as a precipices.
DISTURBED MAN
My wife had disappeared. Please, look for her!
Shows a picture, a photograph. Desperate. Photo trembles in his shaking hands.
DISTURBED MAN
Here, please, take a look. She was working for you.
Thanakh dismisses him with calm gesture.
THANAKH
She probably was killed. Few people disappeared here. Don’t come in here anymore!
INT. SOCIAL SERVICES – EVENING
Thanakh is waiting to see an officer. He looks street side via window. Changes his mind, and walks away.
EXT. STREET PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Thanakh walks past long wall with slogan ‘WEST is ADVANTAGE. GET SEPARATION’ on it in huge letters.
At the start of slogan, huge photograph of smiling with assurance male is cut vertically on two equal parts.
Thanakh reaches phone booth, and dials his number.
RECEPTIONIST
ORGANIZATION. Officer in charge speaking.
THANAKH
This is Thanakh.
RECEPTIONIST
And what is your report?
THANAKH
No. No report. Actually, I just want ask you something.
RECEPTIONIST
We don’t give answers here. This line is for report. Till next time!
Line disconnects.
-
Dana’s Critique of Miropolis Separation.
First ten pages, Version 2
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. INNER WORLD INSIDE OF HUMAN AS DIGITAL REPRESENTATION – OUT OF TIME
SUPERIMPOSE: Artificial nano-death. Test 43-157.
LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left.
Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.
Vision in slow motion floats up into grey space.
QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)
What new qualities did you acquire?
ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)
I can move walls apart!
Note 1: I have no idea what you’re exploring here or why, but it was still great. It grabbed my imagination and made me read more to find out. Good job with the beginning.
EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.
Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.
Hands detach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.
Note 2: Good image. This reminds me of a Norman Rockwell painting.
JUDGE (O.S.)
That is a FISH! He caught it!
Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.
Note 3: Nice description of the Judge/Grandfather
INT./EXT. PLANE IN THE AIR – DAY
Flat screen with digital image showcasing miniature plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water surface from one shore to another.
View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South hemisphere.
Plane travels above at the North from right to left.
View widens farther on, small digital screen is one of many fixed on the backs of chairs, interior of the plane, now in the air.
This is…
SUPERIMPOSE: Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth count.
Note 4: Nice method to introduce/move us to new location (Miropolis).
North of Miropolis. Plane crosses from their Far East, Hawaii-like resort area back to Eastern shore of Western Hemisphere. Just some strip of Ocean water.
PILOT (O.S.)
Free citizens of the WEST! We are experiencing slight weather trouble due to the Northern winds, please remain seated. Landing on East Shore of Miropolis in about one and a half hour supposedly.
<s>Really,</s> plane shakes a bit, moving up and down under winds.
THANAKH, (34), middle-height, light-haired, even-tempered, as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal, Scientist working at Research Institute, travels back with his girlfriend KIAT (27), subtle attractive brunet, her skin darkened under sun they spent weekend under.
Note 5: This is a picky, but the lines “…as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal,” and “subtle attractive” seem awkward. I think “Even-tempered” and “attractive” are stronger.
THANAKH
Kiat, awake, we are home!
Kiat awakes, pulls out cosmetic mirror, and puts on lipstick, making her lips really dark red.
She glances on Thanakh, and they hold hands, trying to make it less visible, and looking away from each other.
Note 6: This is a very nice way of showing a private affair between two people. My only suggestion would be to show them holding hands at the end of the moment to emphasis the secrecy. (i.e., She glances at Thanakh, and they look away from each other. His hand furtively touches hers, and their fingers entwine. A secret moment.)
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – DAY
Small but cozy one-room apartment of Thanakh, which combines bedroom, guest room with a screen, and office with computer, is submerged in dusk.
Thanakh enters. Phone rings. He picks it up.
THANAKH
Hello!
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Did you receive documentation?
THANAKH
Yes.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You have to be prepared to speak tomorrow!
THANAKH
It’s done. Are you sure it went thru?
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You had to read it already!
Note 7: This was a good conversation. You created a setup for a future event to intrigue us.
SHORT AFTER
Thanakh switches comp on, and gets to window, displaying files, all reports from labs quarter work he needs to speak of at tomorrow’s meeting. He opens first file, and makes printout, as he reads it briefly on screen.
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
One of the files appears to be dark, he cannot open it. It belongs to report on ANAUPSH lab, her name typed above.
Note 8: I’d delete and replace SHORT AFTER with the slug line INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT to show transition. And who’s name (her) is typed above? Is ANAUPSH a lab, a person or both? I think this needs to be explained.
Thanakh clicks on file icon a couple of times, then hits (sits) back on a chair.
THANAKH
Damaged!
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Empty night street. Thanakh jumps into taxi to run to Research Institute, where he can retrieve that file.
Note 9: “…where he can retrieve the file.” I’d leave this out here. Don’t tell us what he intends to do. Keep us in the dark. Create the mystery of what he’s doing.
EXT. BEFORE GATES OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Sideway of RI, where there is security check.
Thanakh jumps out of taxi, running inside.
Note 10: If there is a security gate/check, how does get inside? I’d have Thanakh dropped at the gate, show his credentials to security, and walk to the building.
INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh runs inside.
SECURITY GUY
In a hurry?
THANAKH
File doesn’t open.
Goes on his way.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Dark desolated office.
Thanakh switches comp on, opens file, an attempts to print it, but printer is lacking paper.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Thanakh unlocks wall cabinet, searching for printing paper.
Voice at the back.
NIGHT GUARD (O.S.)
What are you doing in here?
THANAKH
And you?
Thanakh turns around to face Night Guard. Night Guard drops gun down.
NIGHT GUARD
Ahh, this is you!
THANAKH
Don’t play on my nerves, don’t stay at my back.
Guard walks away down the corridor.
Thanakh pulls out box with paper, and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy.
Note 11: I get the impression Thanakh is nervous about what he’s doing. And you add good tension having the guard catch him. But the line “…and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy,” is confusing. I don’t know what you mean.
There is some weakness in the way he walks down the dark corridor, illuminated only by blue light out of windows. As if he is an expected pray and is doomed.
Shouts to his back.
THANAKH
Hey!
Night Guard doesn’t turn, instead making pacifying gesture with his hand, still holding weapon down. And continues his relaxed night walk.
Note 12: Thanakh calls to the guard, obviously concerned about something, but he doesn’t pursue the guard? I’d have him notice the guard’s strange walk to intrigue us, but then get him back to work. And I’d leave out the line “…he is expected pray and is doomed?” Keep us wondering.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Thanakh continues on files, as radiophone beeps. It prints in red dots on small display ‘I LOVE YOU’. This is message from Kiat.
Thanakh continues to work. And falls asleep right there at the desk.
Note 13: I understand that Thanakh is tired, but the way you write him falling asleep seems too quick. I’d focus on the radiophone message first, then show Thanakh asleep as his desk, missing the message.
INT. ALARM MAN’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Alarm works. Man jumps from bed.
Note 14: The slug line should read INT. BEDROOM – MORNING. Otherwise, we’re inside the alarm and not the bedroom. And you may want to give the man an identity or describe him to better ID him in the next scene.
INT. OFFICE – MORNING
Thanakh looks down into window, he can see this man, one of lab workers, coming. Kiat is still not there.
Note 15: How do we know Kiat’s not there? You don’t need to tell us this.
INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – MORNING
<s>Amid couple of others,</s> Thanakh walks down noisy corridor of Research Institute, holding his documents. He keeps glancing over them, as if suspicious over something in printout of that file.
Woman of rather small height passes him, walking at another direction. He turns after her, looking at her back.
THANAKH
Is it Anaupsh?
INT. THANAKH’S LAB – AFTERNOON
Thanakh is back after lecture.
He looks around of a couple of workers, mostly young, and girls, in white lab attires.
THANAKH
Where is Kiat?
He receives back conspicuous glances from girls around, hiding jealousy, saying silently how he is cheated over man.
Note 16: How do we know what they the girls are saying silently? We need to hear their words to understand their feelings for Thanakh.
INT. STORAGE ROOM – MORNING
Dark figures on background of day-light windows of small storage room. Anaupsh violently fights Kiat.
Note 17: If the women are silhouettes against a window, how do we know who’s fighting? And we still haven’t been introduced to Anaupsh at this point. Is she trying to kill Kiat? And does she? Introducing the reader to Anaupsh in this scene would setup a great reveal later when you introduce her to the audience through dialogue.
INT. OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Thanakh calls Kiat. She doesn’t pick it up, and he leaves a message.
THANAKH
Kiat, you weren’t at the lab today. Call me!
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Signal of Digital Clock on the wall, its disc white on the left and black on the right, representing two Archipelagoes, to indicate global time.
ARTIFICIAL VOICE (O.S.)
TIME of MIROPOLIS has STOPPED!
Arrows holt.
Thanakh worn out rests on the sofa. Awaken by signal, he glances at his wrist watch.
Digital Display with small window on top, showing Seconds and Minutes counting extra time.
Kiat didn’t call back.
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh visits Kiat’s apartment.
Comes, rings door bell.
Door nearby opens, middle-aged woman in there. Looks with a smile.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She doesn’t live here anymore.
Thanakh gives her questioning look.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She didn’t appear for two nights.
Those might be two nights they spent on the weekend! What a lie!
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Note 18: Your slug line transition from Thanakh’s first visit to Kiat’s apartment to his second needs to illustrate more time. From DAY to LATER or MORNING to LATE MORNING, etc.)
Thanakh comes back, and calls the door of that neighbor. Silence, then steps.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
What do you need?
Seeing expression on Thanakh’s face, she recalls what’s that about, and smiles, enjoying the process.
THANAKH
Did she return?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
No, she left.
Thanakh glances back at the door.
THANAKH
Did she gather her stuff?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
Yes.
She’s perceptibly lying.
INT. KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Kiat’s one-room apartment, with shadowed windows, neatly kept, but few things, bearing signs of her leaving at the morning. Open door of a closet. Jumper thrown on the bed.
Entrance door cracks, pressed from outside. Lock gives in.
LATER
Note 19: You don’t need to show a LATER transition here.
A couple of policemen under chief, accompanied by Thanakh.
POLICE CHIEF
Women leave.
THANAKH
She didn’t pick up any of her clothes.
POLICE CHIEF
Do you have in mind, where she could go?
THANAKH
No. She needs to show up at her working place!
POLICE CHIEF
Maybe, she flied across the boundary?
THANAKH
Without clothes, money, and documents?
Police Officer looks around apartment, as if searching for the answer, but missing it.
INT. AUDITORY – DAY (AUDITORIUM)
Crowd of RI workers sits in ascending rows, under bluish-colored wall. Every face is distinct.
Thanakh stands some distance before them, lecturing.
THANAKH
We have here conditions for working on science, on our subject. These conditions are supposed to be comfortable, so that we could address, occupy, dedicate to our ongoing researches, working and learning. This is a place for juniors and interns to get education. I would confess how I mostly am connected to the research of my lab I’m a head of. And maybe paying not enough attention, or not follow closely enough what is ongoing at jointed labs. Still, I am genuinely aggravated that no one pays attention at a fact person has disappeared. If someone would work day after day for a period, short or long, I would at least ask the question, where is he going, or where did he went? We’ve got so many lab workers. I personally cannot keep track of all of them. But I cannot mark not who is present at my own lab who’s absent, because I need’em. How come no one questions Kiat’s absence? She was working on regular basis non-stop, dedicating to research and education, like all of you. And honestly, friends, I just don’t understand your indifference!
Note 20: I would break up this speech with shots of the students in their chairs listening intently to Thanakh.
Thanakh stops with an air of translucency.
ALARM MAN
I’ve seen her that day.
Everyone looks at him. Man gets awkward.
ALARM MAN
I could’ve make a mistake. It was still dark then.
THANAKH
Did someone else disappear?
ADMINISTRATOR
Few people took leave from us.
THANAKH
Who are these?
ADMINISTRATOR
These are such, such, and such…
THANAKH
Did they submit documentation?
Administrator hesitates.
ADMINISTRATOR
It seems to me, I’ve seen one of it.
INT. RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Note 21: This slug line may need to be explained. Residential is too non-descipt.
Thanakh comes by the address of one of men who took leave.
Thanakh rings the bell. Door nearby opens. Man and woman behind it, sober faces.
THANAKH
Did he reappear in here?
MAN
He left, not showing up.
Woman speaks, deeply offended.
WOMAN
We lived nearby of him for two years, he left not saying goodbye.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Middle-aged man talks quickly to Thanakh, leaning across table. He’s desperate. His face red and white from emotion. Hopelessness in his eyes deep, as a precipices.
DISTURBED MAN
My wife had disappeared. Please, look for her!
Shows a picture, a photograph. Desperate. Photo trembles in his shaking hands.
DISTURBED MAN
Here, please, take a look. She was working for you.
Thanakh dismisses him with calm gesture.
THANAKH
She probably was killed. Few people disappeared here. Don’t come in here anymore!
Note 22: Why does Thanakh dismiss the Disturbed Man? Especially if he is concerned about Kait disappearing? He should be growing more concerned with each new missing person.
INT. SOCIAL SERVICES – EVENING
Thanakh is waiting to see an officer. He looks street side via window. Changes his mind, and walks away.
EXT. STREET PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Thanakh walks past long wall with slogan ‘WEST is ADVANTAGE. GET SEPARATION’ on it in huge letters.
At the start of slogan, huge photograph of smiling with assurance male is cut vertically on two equal parts.
Thanakh reaches phone booth, and dials his number.
RECEPTIONIST
ORGANIZATION. Officer in charge speaking.
THANAKH
This is Thanakh.
RECEPTIONIST
And what is your report?
THANAKH
No. No report. Actually, I just want ask you something.
RECEPTIONIST
We don’t give answers here. This line is for report. Till next time!
Line disconnects.
Note 23: This is a great bureaucrat’s line. Typical government.
Final Thoughts:
FIRST PAGE: Your new world description engages us to want to know more. And the image the judge/grandfather intrigued me. I want to know more about him.
INCITING INCIDENT: Kiat fighting with Anaupsh in the storage room. Having a main character disappear and/or die early is a good way to grab and audience.
You have the making of an interesting story. People missing in another world. You setup good twists and reveals that keep us guessing about Kait’s fate. And you show us Thanak’s concern for her very well. I’d like to know about their relationship and see them together a little more. I’d like to know more about their world.
I’m also not sure what Thanakh does. I’d like to more about his scientific work with Kait, especially if it leads to her disappearance.
I had a few problems with language, but that can be corrected by keeping the writing tight and shortening some of the longer sentences. Some parts of your script narrate the story like a novel rather than having the characters advance the story with dialogue. Narration should describe their actions, but the audience needs to hear the characters tell the story.
I think this is a very good beginning. Your story kept me interested. I want to know Kait’s fate and why she and Anaupsh were fighting. I’d love to know more about the laboratory, their work, what was wrong with the security guard, everything. You created some good setups, and I’m intrigued to see them revealed.
Nice work.
Dana
-
Critique for ALICE
Dear Alice,
It’s been a while since I read your work, and so I can tell that you have reached a new personal level, which means progress, which means: keep it up!
The main difference between the previous time and this one is about the structure of your sentences and clarity. It does not mean this is the best you should aim for, but if you keep going, you will get to the level that you want to be.
Here are my notes:
1. Line by line on the first page.
Miropolis. Separation. First ten pages, Version 2
001 TRANSITION: FADE IN:
002 SCENE HEADING: INT./EXT. INNER WORLD INSIDE OF HUMAN AS DIGITAL REPRESENTATION – OUT OF TIME
———————————-
SUGGESTION: Perhaps like this…
1. Follow the format of regular slug lines:
INT. VIRTUAL REALITY — HUMAN BODY SIMULATION — DAY
2. DAY or NIGHT: The virtual reality experience is happening at some point of the day or night. The sun or moon might not show up, but it might be relevant to clearly show the coherent progression of the story, when this scene happens, the order of the beats. Having said so… I just consulted David Trottier’s Screenwriter’s Bible and it says that in space, there is no day/night difference, so it could be omitted.
3. The INT./EXT. might not be applicable as the action happens indoors as far as I can see.
———————————-
003 ANNOTATION: SUPERIMPOSE: Artificial nano-death. Test 43-157.
004 ACTION: LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left.
———————————-
COMMENT: Suggest revision for clarity. What is LIFE STREAM? Is it LIVE STREAM, like a broadcast?
SUGGESTION:
Blurry image adjusts until it comes into focus. Screen shows a narrow pathway.
System Messages display on screen. Letters cascade left to right as if typed at high speed.
ON SCREEN MESSAGES: [Note: this is a scene heading format]
STREAMING VIDEO SIGNAL (beat) ON (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]
STREAMING VIDEO QUALITY (beat) NORMAL (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]
CAMERA DIRECTION: (beat) FORWARD (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]
[Note: format as description or Final Draft: Action]
3D geometric objects approach. They represent [complete phrase] in the blood stream
Camera moves up. Allows 3D objects to pass underneath. Camera returns to previous level.
Camera approaches a JUNCTION
ON SCREEN MESSAGES: [Note: this is a scene heading format]
JUNCTION AHEAD (beat) SELECT PATH (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]
YOUR SELECTION: RIGHT (R) / LEFT (L)….[Note: format as dialogue]
YOUR SELECTION: LEFT… PROCEEDING (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]
———————————-
005 ACTION: Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.
———————————-
COMMENT: Suggest revision for clarity.
SUGGESTION: Video shows a BLOCKADE on the selected path.
ON SCREEN MESSAGES: [Note: this is a scene heading format]
LEFT PATH NOT OPERATIONAL. REQUESTING NEW COMMAND [Note: format as dialogue]
[Note: format as description or Final Draft: Action]
A command window opens. User enters command “PROCEED INTO OPEN”
Window closes. A gray digital wall engulfs the screen. FREEZES.
After a couple of seconds…
CRACKS… the digital wall is compromised… COLLAPSES
Video stream displays a new, open landscape.
———————————-
006 ACTION: Vision in slow motion floats up into grey space.
———————————-
SUGGESTION: Video fades into gray.
———————————-
007 DIALOGUE: QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)
What new qualities did you acquire?
———————————-
NOTE: TYPO “VOIE” suggest to review into “VOICE”. Add space between VOICE and (V.O.)
COMMENTS:
1. Is it perhaps “QUESTIONING MALE”? Could it be “MALE TRAINER” and “FEMALE TRAINEE”? Note that these characters were not introduced at all. For the sake of clarity, it is strongly suggested to provide details.
2. Although the scene is intriguing, it is hard to find the connection between the opening scene and the inciting incident.
3. Who are these two people? Are these questioning male and female characters somehow related to the story? Because the protagonist should be ideally introduced in the first couple of pages, and the opening scene has specific functions, having two characters using so much space is hard to justify.
———————————-
008 DIALOGUE: ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)
I can move walls apart!
009 SCENE HEADING: EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
———————————-
SUGGESTION: EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL BUILDING — DAY
———————————-
010 ACTION: Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.
———————————-
SUGGESTION: An old-fashion residential building with a large shallow pool on the roof.
———————————-
011 ACTION: Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.
012 ACTION: Hands detach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.
———————————-
SUGGESTION: A man detaches it from the fishing line. He is [CHARACTER NAME] [DESCRIPTION]
———————————-
013 DIALOGUE: JUDGE (O.S.)
That is a FISH! He caught it!
———————————-
SUGGESTION: Perhaps, for the sake of clarity, the characters could be introduced before they say their lines.
———————————-
014 ACTION: Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.
015 SCENE HEADING: INT./EXT. PLANE IN THE AIR – DAY
016 ACTION: Flat screen with digital image showcasing miniature plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water surface from one shore to another.
2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.
- The opening scene consists on an introduction to virtual reality simulation, which is apparently not quite related to the rest of the 10 pages.
- The opening scene could be improved if the protagonist and the unique world were properly introduced.
- In addition, there were other characters introduced, but their connection with the story and relevancy are not quite apparent.
- The twist is not quite evident. Is the missing file envisioned as the twist?
3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.
- The inciting incident is the disappearance of Kiat, the love interest of the protagonist. Because we still have not been properly acquainted to the protagonist and even less to the antagonist, the level of engagement is limited.
- A way to improve this is to review the outline and brainstorm on scenes that reveal who the characters are and why we should care for them.
- Those scenes could substitute the current virtual reality opening scene as this does not contribute to the structure of a great opening.
4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages. We won’t be critiquing page 2 – 10 line by line.
- I noticed that the weight switched from a focus on sci-fi to thriller and probably that is not a bad idea, but it could be improved.
- The number one issue with the change is that now Miropolis does not seem to be the extraterrestrial, sci-fi world that sci-fi fans (we) are looking for. Miropolis is too similar to year 1990 planet Earth! The problem with that is that it is TOO CLOSE to our era. There are old fashion buildings, people need to take taxi and be physically present to solve a simple corrupt file problem and even… printing! The planes fly but they still shake due to turbulence.
- The sci-fi world does not need to be totally futuristic. Take Avatar for example. The world is pretty primitive, but there are contrasting differences with our world. The “advanced” technology is provided by Earthlings. In the Fifth Element the hero is a taxi driver, but hey, they need no roads, uh?
- By the way, have you taken the Thriller course with ScreenwritingU? Go to listen the Free-Class-Friday series, there are at least two of those free classes dedicated to that course and help you understand what it takes to write a thriller. The good thing is that Hal has already developed the program for anyone to learn about this. One took place last Friday.
Hope this helps, Alice! I cheer for you!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
Hi Alice!
Here are my notes on your V2. I capitalized them so they stand out better.
Overall, I think it’s an intriguing setup. I don’t know the overall story, but it definitely drew me in.
Miropolis. Separation.
First ten pages, Version 2
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. INNER WORLD INSIDE OF HUMAN AS DIGITAL REPRESENTATION – OUT OF TIME
SUPERIMPOSE: Artificial nano-death. Test 43-157.
LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left.
Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.
Vision in slow motion floats up into grey space.
QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)
What new qualities did you acquire?
ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)
I can move walls apart!
NICE SO FAR. THE FIRST TWO LINES ALREADY DRAW ME IN.
EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.
Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.
Hands detach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.
JUDGE (O.S.)
That is a FISH! He caught it!
Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.
NOT SURE WHERE THIS IS GOING YET…
INT./EXT. PLANE IN THE AIR – DAY
Flat screen with digital image showcasing miniature plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water surface from one shore to another.
View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South hemisphere.
Plane travels above at the North from right to left.
View widens farther on, small digital screen is one of many fixed on the backs of chairs, interior of the plane, now in the air.
This is…
SUPERIMPOSE: Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth count.
THIS IS INTERESTING. I DON’T REALLY GET WHAT’S HAPPENING YET, BUT IT IS INTRIGUING.
North of Miropolis. Plane crosses from their Far East, Hawaii-like resort area back to Eastern shore of Western Hemisphere. Just some strip of Ocean water.
PILOT (O.S.)
Free citizens of the WEST! We are experiencing slight weather trouble due to the Northern winds, please remain seated. Landing on East Shore of Miropolis in about one and a half hour supposedly.
Really, plane shakes a bit, moving up and down under winds.
THANAKH, (34), middle-height, light-haired, even-tempered, as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal, Scientist working at Research Institute, travels back with his girlfriend KIAT (27), subtle attractive brunet, her skin darkened under sun they spent weekend under.
THANAKH
Kiat, awake, we are home!
Kiat awakes, pulls out cosmetic mirror, and puts on lipstick, making her lips really dark red.
She glances on Thanakh, and they hold hands, trying to make it less visible, and looking away from each other.
ONCE AGAIN, INTRIGUING.
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – DAY
Small but cozy one-room apartment of Thanakh, which combines bedroom, guest room with a screen, and office with computer, is submerged in dusk.
Thanakh enters. Phone rings. He picks it up.
THANAKH
Hello!
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Did you receive documentation?
THANAKH
Yes.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You have to be prepared to speak tomorrow!
THANAKH
It’s done. Are you sure it went thru?
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You had to read it already!
SHORT AFTER
Thanakh switches comp on, and gets to window, displaying files, all reports from labs quarter work he needs to speak of at tomorrow’s meeting. He opens first file, and makes printout, as he reads it briefly on screen.
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
One of the files appears to be dark, he cannot open it. It belongs to report on ANAUPSH lab, her name typed above.
Thanakh clicks on file icon a couple of times, then hits back on a chair.
THANAKH
Damaged!
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Empty night street. Thanakh jumps into taxi to run to Research Institute, where he can retrieve that file.
EXT. BEFORE GATES OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Sideway of RI, where there is security check.
Thanakh jumps out of taxi, running inside.
INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh runs inside.
SECURITY GUY
In a hurry?
THANAKH
File doesn’t open.
WOULD A SECURITY GUARD EVEN KNOW ABOUT THEIR FILES AT ALL?
Goes on his way.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Dark desolated office.
Thanakh switches comp on, opens file, an attempts to print it, but printer is lacking paper.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Thanakh unlocks wall cabinet, searching for printing paper.
Voice at the back.
NIGHT GUARD (O.S.)
What are you doing in here?
THANAKH
And you?
Thanakh turns around to face Night Guard. Night Guard drops gun down.
NIGHT GUARD
Ahh, this is you!
THANAKH
Don’t play on my nerves, don’t stay at my back.
Guard walks away down the corridor.
MAYBE ADD SOME MORE CONFLICT HERE. MAYBE GUARD CLICKS THE GUN AND ELEVATES THE SITUATION BEFORE THANAKH CAN REPLY? I BELIEVE YOU CAN ADD MORE SUSPENSE HERE.
Thanakh pulls out box with paper, and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy.
There is some weakness in the way he walks down the dark corridor, illuminated only by blue light out of windows. As if he is an expected pray and is doomed.
Shouts to his back.
THANAKH
Hey!
Night Guard doesn’t turn, instead making pacifying gesture with his hand, still holding weapon down. And continues his relaxed night walk.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Thanakh continues on files, as radiophone beeps. It prints in red dots on small display ‘I LOVE YOU’. This is message from Kiat.
Thanakh continues to work. And falls asleep right there at the desk.
INT. ALARM MAN’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Alarm works. Man jumps from bed.
INT. OFFICE – MORNING
Thanakh looks down into window, he can see this man, one of lab workers, coming. Kiat is still not there.
HOW WOULD THE AUDIENCE KNOW SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE THERE AND IS NOT?
INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – MORNING
Amid couple of others, Thanakh walks down noisy corridor of Research Institute, holding his documents. He keeps glancing over them, as if suspicious over something in printout of that file.
Woman of rather small height passes him, walking at another direction. He turns after her, looking at her back.
THANAKH
Is it Anaupsh?
INT. THANAKH’S LAB – AFTERNOON
Thanakh is back after lecture.
He looks around of a couple of workers, mostly young, and girls, in white lab attires.
THANAKH
Where is Kiat?
He receives back conspicuous glances from girls around, hiding jealousy, saying silently how he is cheated over man.
INT. STORAGE ROOM – MORNING
Dark figures on background of day-light windows of small storage room. Anaupsh violently fights Kiat.
THIS SEEMS TO KIND OF COME OUT OF NOWHERE…
INT. OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Thanakh calls Kiat. She doesn’t pick it up, and he leaves a message.
THANAKH
Kiat, you weren’t at the lab today. Call me!
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Signal of Digital Clock on the wall, its disc white on the left and black on the right, representing two Archipelagoes, to indicate global time.
ARTIFICIAL VOICE (O.S.)
TIME of MIROPOLIS has STOPPED!
Arrows holt.
Thanakh worn out rests on the sofa. Awaken by signal, he glances at his wrist watch.
Digital Display with small window on top, showing Seconds and Minutes counting extra time.
Kiat didn’t call back.
ONCE AGAIN, HOW WILL THE AUDIENCE KNOW THIS?
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh visits Kiat’s apartment.
Comes, rings door bell.
Door nearby opens, middle-aged woman in there. Looks with a smile.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She doesn’t live here anymore.
Thanakh gives her questioning look.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She didn’t appear for two nights.
Those might be two nights they spent on the weekend! What a lie!
HOW WOULD THE AUDIENCE KNOW ABOUT THE WEEKEND IF HE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT? OTHERWISE, VERY INTRIGUING.
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh comes back, and calls the door of that neighbor. Silence, then steps.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
What do you need?
Seeing expression on Thanakh’s face, she recalls what’s that about, and smiles, enjoying the process.
THANAKH
Did she return?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
No, she left.
Thanakh glances back at the door.
THANAKH
Did she gather her stuff?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
Yes.
She’s perceptibly lying.
GOOD INTRIGUE.
INT. KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Kiat’s one-room apartment, with shadowed windows, neatly kept, but few things, bearing signs of her leaving at the morning. Open door of a closet. Jumper thrown on the bed.
Entrance door cracks, pressed from outside. Lock gives in.
LATER
A couple of policemen under chief, accompanied by Thanakh.
POLICE CHIEF
Women leave.
THANAKH
She didn’t pick up any of her clothes.
POLICE CHIEF
Do you have in mind, where she could go?
THANAKH
No. She needs to show up at her working place!
POLICE CHIEF
Maybe, she flied across the boundary?
THANAKH
Without clothes, money, and documents?
Police Officer looks around apartment, as if searching for the answer, but missing it.
GOOD WAY OF ENHANCING THE INTRIGUE.
INT. AUDITORY – DAY
Crowd of RI workers sits in ascending rows, under bluish-colored wall. Every face is distinct.
Thanakh stands some distance before them, lecturing.
THANAKH
We have here conditions for working on science, on our subject. These conditions are supposed to be comfortable, so that we could address, occupy, dedicate to our ongoing researches, working and learning. This is a place for juniors and interns to get education. I would confess how I mostly am connected to the research of my lab I’m a head of. And maybe paying not enough attention, or not follow closely enough what is ongoing at jointed labs. Still, I am genuinely aggravated that no one pays attention at a fact person has disappeared. If someone would work day after day for a period, short or long, I would at least ask the question, where is he going, or where did he went? We’ve got so many lab workers. I personally cannot keep track of all of them. But I cannot mark not who is present at my own lab who’s absent, because I need’em. How come no one questions Kiat’s absence? She was working on regular basis non-stop, dedicating to research and education, like all of you. And honestly, friends, I just don’t understand your indifference!
Thanakh stops with an air of translucency.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHOW THEIR INDIFFERENCE BEFORE THIS SCENE, TO GIVE IT MORE EMOTIONAL IMPACT.
ALARM MAN
I’ve seen her that day.
Everyone looks at him. Man gets awkward.
ALARM MAN
I could’ve make a mistake. It was still dark then.
THANAKH
Did someone else disappear?
ADMINISTRATOR
Few people took leave from us.
THANAKH
Who are these?
ADMINISTRATOR
These are such, such, and such…
I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS LINE.
THANAKH
Did they submit documentation?
Administrator hesitates.
ADMINISTRATOR
It seems to me, I’ve seen one of it.
INT. RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Thanakh comes by the address of one of men who took leave.
Thanakh rings the bell. Door nearby opens. Man and woman behind it, sober faces.
THANAKH
Did he reappear in here?
MAN
He left, not showing up.
Woman speaks, deeply offended.
WOMAN
We lived nearby of him for two years, he left not saying goodbye.
GOOD INTRIGUE HERE.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Middle-aged man talks quickly to Thanakh, leaning across table. He’s desperate. His face red and white from emotion. Hopelessness in his eyes deep, as a precipices.
DISTURBED MAN
My wife had disappeared. Please, look for her!
Shows a picture, a photograph. Desperate. Photo trembles in his shaking hands.
DISTURBED MAN
Here, please, take a look. She was working for you.
Thanakh dismisses him with calm gesture.
THANAKH
She probably was killed. Few people disappeared here. Don’t come in here anymore!
I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE’S SAYING THIS TO THE MAN.
INT. SOCIAL SERVICES – EVENING
Thanakh is waiting to see an officer. He looks street side via window. Changes his mind, and walks away.
EXT. STREET PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Thanakh walks past long wall with slogan ‘WEST is ADVANTAGE. GET SEPARATION’ on it in huge letters.
At the start of slogan, huge photograph of smiling with assurance male is cut vertically on two equal parts.
Thanakh reaches phone booth, and dials his number.
RECEPTIONIST
ORGANIZATION. Officer in charge speaking.
THANAKH
This is Thanakh.
RECEPTIONIST
And what is your report?
THANAKH
No. No report. Actually, I just want ask you something.
RECEPTIONIST
We don’t give answers here. This line is for report. Till next time!
Line disconnects.
NICE INTRIGUING ENDING.
-
-
-
DEV ROSS – PLEASE CRITQUE, thank you! SECOND VERSION
GRAND DRAGON CLAY CAINE OF THE KKK IS LITERALLY TOSSED OFF STAGE BY HIS OWN FOLLOWERS AND IS REPLACED BY A NEW, YOUNGER, MORE RADICAL WHITE SUPREMACIST. AS CLAY’S STAR FADES, A BLACK LEADER’S RISES. TO REGAIN HIS FORMER POWER, CLAY BELIEVES GOD ANOINTS HIM TO KILL THAT RISING BLACK LEADER. WHAT NEITHER MAN KNOWS – BUT IN THE CLIMAX FIND OUT – IS THAT BOTH EXIST AS POLAR OPPOSITES, ONE BLACK, ONE WHITE, IN TWO DIFFENT REALITIES – REALITIES THAT HAVE BEEN COLLAPSING INTO ONE ANOTHER DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE.
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – LATE SUMMER NIGHT
A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home. A window in the basement leaks light from a TV. The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.
TV NEWS (O.S.)
(Marchers’ chants)
Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us!
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT
CLAY CAINE sits in near dark watching the TV.
CLAY
Those sons of the devil.
Sudden wind blasts slam tree branches against his home.
CLAY
Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot!
Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
CLAY
Aw… Jesus…
Distraught, Clay drops his head into his hands.
CLAY
Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…
WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force the TV blacks out. Clay sits in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
Clay rampages through the dark room, destroying anything he can find.
CLAY
Fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck!
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Errant WINDS rattle through rusty carnival rides, balloons and VOTE banners are swept into spinning dust devils. Still, there’s a lot of people there – all white.
A little GIRL counts out coins for her cotton candy. She’s about to take a sticky bite when the wind frees it and carries it off like a bobbing pink cloud. She chases after it when the now very visible Clay Caine, former marine, fit in his 50’s, snags it out of the air and then strides with it back to the girl. Clay likes being a hero. He also likes admiring her small comely form as she prances happily away.
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
A wind-ripped American flag flaps over the stage as the punishing wind forces a COUNTRY BAND to give up on their set. They no sooner clear the stage when the wind subsides. Nothing stirs but the grateful audience when–
America’s hero – at least that’s how he sees himself — Clay Caine, hops up onto the stage with a single bound. He rights the fallen microphone, gazes out at his people.
CLAY
Thank you, Lord, for diminishing this wind! For we shall be the calm before the storm!
No cheers. Curious.
CLAY
Hey, thanks for coming out to support me today! Especially with this crazy wind!
Sparse reactions.
CLAY
You know, I’m often asked why I’ve been called to leadership, and I answer… It’s because of you! Because this is our country, and that is our flag!
Still not much so he dials it up.
CLAY
Do you know what the red on our flag stands for? Do you? It stands for our forefathers! Our forefathers, baptized in their own blood for our freedoms! Yours and mine, ladies and gentlemen! Yours and mine!
He pants with exertion but there’s still barely any response. Then, a lone voice calls out.
ADAM (O.S.)
Dude!
It’s Adam Spencer from the TV.
ADAM
You’re a WINO!
Confused, Clay searches the crowd.
CLAY
Excuse me, what?
ADAM
A WINO!
CLAY
He recognizes Adam Spencer from the news on TV but keeps his cool, smiles.
You’re wrong there, son, I don’t drink. Never have.
ADAM
Dude! It’s a White Supremacist in Name Only! Listen everybody. This WINO is nothing but quid pro status quo! Quid pro status quo!
Like wildfire catching…
CROWD
Quid pro, status quo! Quid pro, status quo!
Clay yells his response against the wind but he’s soundless against it — while Adam stands, arms wide, embracing the gale. Members of the crowd hoist Adam to the stage, then physically remove Clay. He lands in the dirt.
Adam looks down at Clay from his new perch.
ADAM
The Klan’s dead, old man! Long live the Sons of Patriots!
Clay looks up at Adam, at what was supposed to be his stage, his people. He turns his hurt and confused gaze toward the heavens where the wind swirls up and up…
EXT. OUTER SPACE – CONTINOUS
The black of space, stars, planets, and then the sound of HUMMING – in harmony as thousands of pulsating worlds fade into view. They look like harp strings but are parallel universes existing in a simultaneous timeline. Vibrantly healthy strings exist next to those that are dimming. A few dim to black and then spiral to their deaths inside black holes.
Among these multiverses, one STRING frays like split ends caused by overbleached hair. Like a cancer spreading, its ragged tendrils breach a neighboring string – causing a SHIMMERING effect across both strings…
EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
A country fair with all the fixings. There’s GET OUT THE VOTE BANNERS, GOSPEL MUSIC, folks, mostly black, milling about…
COTTON CANDY STAND: A LITTLE BLACK GIRL counts out her coins for cotton candy. She’s about to take a sticky bite when a sudden GUST carries it off. She chases after it when, still fit in his 50’s, an African American, former teacher, LINCOLN ABLE, snags it out of the air. He’s handing it back to the little girl when he hears his name being chanted.
CROWD (O.S.)
Lincoln! Lincoln! Lincoln!
Lincoln winks at her, then heads towards a STAGE festooned with a gently waving American flag.
EXT. STAGE – MOMENTS LATER
Lincoln hops on stage, grabs the microphone.
LINCOLN
Hey, y’all!
A BIG WIND kicks up causing him to duck an errant GET OUT THE VOTE poster that blows past.
LINCOLN
Whoa! Where’d that wind come from? Let’s try that again! Hey, y’all!
Cheers and response. All good.
LINCOLN
Who out there is registered to vote?
Hands raise.
LINCOLN
Now who isn’t?
No one raises their hands.
LINCOLN
C’mon now, fess up.
More than a few raise their hands.
LINCOLN
So y’all are registering today, right?
They cheer that they are when-
YOUNG BLACK WOMAN
Lincoln! You should run!
The crowd loves this, him!
LINCOLN
Nah, nah, now, I’m just here to–
The wind steals his words, and then spirals up toward the heavens. Lincoln gazes up as if trying to see where his words are going. The wind calms and he notices, just for a brief moment…
…a pale SHIMMER ripple across the sky.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Clay, his passive young wife HANNAH, (30’s), and their silently rebellious daughter, EMMY, (17) eat dinner. Their silence – against the CLINK of silverware against plates – looms large.
Hannah swallows, her food going down dry. She wipes her mouth with a cloth napkin, carefully replaces it on her lap, softly clears her throat.
HANNAH
Clay, I was thinking maybe tonight we could have some conversation.
CLAY
Hannah, dinner is a time for silent reflection where we think about and give thanks for what we have.
HANNAH
Yes, but… I was hoping tonight could be an exception — seeing what happened today. To you.
Emmy shoots an anxious looks at her mother.
CLAY
Paul tells us: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength. But with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.
HANNAH
What is your way out?
CLAY
He hasn’t provided it yet.
HANNAH
Then, maybe that’s his sign that… that you should be getting out.
CLAY
Hannah. Do you believe in me?
HANNAH
Of course I do, Clay.
Emmy quickly wipes her mouth…
EMMY
I do too, Daddy.
…then places her napkin on her plate.
EMMY
May I please be excused?
HANNAH
I know with the Lord’s help, you can handle it, but we need to support you on this. Families stick together through thick and thin. Maybe we can discuss that. How we’re going to stick together.
CLAY
You’re making too much of this.
HANNAH
People are turning away from you.
CLAY
They like what’s bright and shiny, but I’m steady. They’ll come back.
DOORBELL
EMMY
That’s Bethany! May I go?
CLAY
Bring her in to say ‘hello’ first.
Clay dabs at his mouth with his napkin, runs his tongue over his teeth to check for food debris, then sits up as Emmy escorts in BETHANY, a budding teen beauty just discovering her powers.
Hannah notices Clay noticing Bethany.
BETHANY
Evening, Mrs. Caine, Mr. Caine.
CLAY
Evening, Bethany. How’s your folks?
BETHANY
They’re doing good– I mean ‘well,’ they’re doing well.
CLAY
Well– You give them my regards.
HANNAH
Mine too.
CLAY
So where are you two young ladies headed out to tonight?
BETHANY
A bunch of us are meeting up for a video game contest–
A warning glance from Emmy.
BETHANY
–at the church.
CLAY
The church sponsors video games?
BETHANY
Oh, they’re not violent or… you know.
CLAY
Sexual?
Blushing…
BETHANY
Uh-huh.
With a wink…
CLAY
Good to know.
EMMY
May we go?
CLAY
Off with you then.
HANNAH
Your plate to the sink first, young lady.
Emmy hurries her dish to the sink, is about to leave–
HANNAH
Rinse it.
She does, then joins Bethany to leave.
BETHANY
Y’all have a nice evening.
As the teen girls exit, Clay eyes Bethany’s backside.
CLAY
You, too.
Hannah’s not blind.
INT. CAINE TV ROOM – NIGHT
The room’s dim as Hannah stops in the doorway. Clay’s dozing. News plays softly in the b.g.
HANNAH
Clay? I’m going up to bed now.
His SNORING tells her he isn’t. She exits. He sleeps on…
LATER: The news shows a crowded pig farm, flooding waters.
NEWS REPORTER (V.O.)
…and increasing floodwaters often contain infectious organisms including E. Coli, Salmonella, and Shigella…
Clay snaps awake, sees the floods.
CLAY
Siri! TV off!
It doesn’t go off.
CLAY
TV off!
So much flooding…
CLAY
Dammit!
He fumbles with the remote. Finally, the TV blinks off.
EXT. CLAY’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He tries the door. It’s locked. Knocks.
EMMY
Be out in a minute.
TOILET FLUSHES.
Clay leans his head on the door.
CLAY
What time did you get in?
EMMY (O.S.)
Oh, hours ago, Daddy. I just had to… you know… girl stuff.
TOILET FLUSHES AGAIN.
CLAY
Pass me my toothbrush, will ya?
She does. He heads to the kitchen…
EXT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER – AT SINK
Clay brushes. A dead tree illuminated by the moon shows through the kitchen window. He remembers…
EXT. CAINE BACKYARD – KLAN RALLY – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
Grand Dragon AUGUST CAINE stands under the now living tree as he delivers a speech to his Klan followers.
AUGUST CAINE
The ‘melting pot’ they say. A nation of many colors and beliefs they say – that will build utopia. But we defy assimilation.
In his mini-Klan robe, an eight-year-old raptly listens; his young face lit by the light of the burning cross.
AUGUST CAINE (CONT’D)
And not because the colored aren’t children of God, but because they cannot – will not – ever attain the superior level of the white.
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy?
INT. KITCHEN – OUT OF FLASBACK
Clay turns to see Emmy’s pale face looking in on him.
EMMY
I’m out.
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Clay sits on the toilet lid, eyes closed in prayer.
CLAY
Lord, give me the power to defeat thine enemies and to thwart the rising tide of chaos. Amen.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
He carefully crawls in bed, settles with his back to his wife’s. She rolls over to him, puts her arm around him.
Clay moves to remove it when he realizes: The skin is smooth and silky like Hannah’s, but it’s no longer white… it’s black.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dev Ross.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dev Ross.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dev Ross.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dev Ross.
-
Hey Dev,
I didn’t do any feedback for your screenplay prior, but I kept reading here and again.
I think it became better, more concise or up to the point. Placed sequentially also elucidates.
I only now get your choise of name for the hero. I.e., clay cayne. So, it’s like canine.
I don’t understand, how August Able, like Lincoln Able, speaks on White’s behalf? Is that a mistake, and Clay’s father had to do that?
Though it just about the church, and politics, it could be more provocative. I don’t know if it fits theme of your screenplay though. I mean, if this is just about almost ex retired politition, then what’s about it? From another side, Lincoln is much more likable figure. But, maybe, he has ambitions. Do you show how Lincoln, for example, also believes in his great destiny? That would somehow pinpoint him as also mistaken. I understand you are on black sides, though young white gets into President.
I liked the start of the screenplay, his monologue. But maybe that is still not enough? Maybe more rough stuff, akin ‘tools of a fool’ like stream, that is more like Clay’s character?
And, naturally, I won’t be competent to write all this political stuff! Nice slogans! Keep it up!
-
Hi Alice,
Thanks for your notes! You saw an earlier version and caught the mistake I did – which was misnaming the grandfather as an ABLE when he was a CAINE! Big confusion there! Sorry I didn’t get my corrections about that and a few other things before you read the confusing version. You’ve posed some good questions, many of which I feel I’ve answered later but worth going over again to make sure!
Grateful to you!
Dev
-
-
Critique for Dev Ross
From Lisa Long
Line by Line on the First Page
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – LATE SUMMER NIGHT
A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home.
Line 1: Paints a picture.
A window in the basement leaks light from a TV.
Line 2: What’s happening in that basement?
The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.
Line 3: Building curiosity.
TV NEWS (O.S.)
(Marchers’ chants)
Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us!
Lines 4: Scary chants! Clearly racists.
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT
CLAY CAINE sits in near dark watching the TV.
CLAY
Those sons of the devil.
Line 5: This guy is not one of the racists.
Sudden wind blasts slam tree branches against his home.
Line 6: Turmoil going on outside as on the tv. Repeating the scariness!
CLAY
Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot!
Line 7: Rising tension.
Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
Line 8: What will happen now that all hell has broken loose?
CLAY
Aw… Jesus…
Line 9: Clay is clearly losing all hope.
Distraught, Clay drops his head into his hands.
Line 10: Clay has lost hope.
CLAY
Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…
Line 11: It is done.
WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force the TV blacks out. Clay sits in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
Line 12: All is gone.
Overview of opening scene along with twist at the end
The opening scene is a hook that makes me curious as to what this man is doing and how he is involved with the events on the tv. Why is he alone? He is on the other side of the topic, but what is he going to do about it? The topic and dialogue are very provocative! The use of the wind strongly sets up the link to climate change.
The end of the scene has me wondering where we go from here. The twist at the end seems a bit anticlimactic. What is the action that he’s going to take? Should he rush out of the room?
From the skills list: How does the event on the tv demand that the protagonist act in some way?
From the skills list, “Do a serious think session about your lead character’s most
unique traits and make sure they are in full blossom on that first page.” I’m not sure that Clay’s unique traits are shown in the first scene. Is there a way to up his reactions?However, in the subsequent scenes, Clay’s character traits are apparent.
I’m wondering if this opening scene is the same as the last scene of the movie.
An Opinion on the value of the Inciting Incident
I saw the Inciting Incident to be Adam pushing Clay out of the way followed by the Outer Space scene. It was clever to repeat the scene with at the fair with the white group and then the black group. It makes it easier to understand what transpires with the switch.
Overview of the rest of the 10 pages
Wow! The amount of improvement to your script is incredible. And it’s only the first ten pages! You’ve done a great job adding loaded words and images to the descriptions and dialogue. What I particularly like… and I’m jealous of…is how succinct and tight you’ve kept the scenes. It is a unique story that I haven’t seen before. I believe you will sell this script. I love the ending of page ten with the black skin. A tremendous surprise!
-
Thanks, Lisa!
Great note on end of first scene! I felt it didn’t go far enough but your note has aided me in finding a new end to it!!! Yay! I’m so grateful!
best!
Dev
-
-
Enjoyed this Dev!!
Comments are just that! take the, toss them about and then out – or reshape as you wish!
the opening is clever – we don’t know if he is for the Marchers or not? could be either
if there is nothing in the basement we see to give us a clue.
so its setup-twist and also kind of shocking..
and a unique world
the wind etc sets a tone of foreboding
and then Bam! we know who and what .. (is that page 3?)
so at the same time we find out who he is, we see him getting ‘deposed’..
It’s certainly provocative – just the subject matter and that we seem to be in his POV
When you take us to Outerspace, now we are catapulted into a very unique world
Questions abound.
Not least how it relates to what we just saw
and it is short enough we are back in the other world and don’t get lost in this new round of
Qs
(sort of like a blip which I think is what happens more and more through the rest of the film)
Definitely a twist to read further.
NOT SURE:
Is the next fair ground a different fairground? same day?.
is the she a black or white girl? if so, the same girl we saw before with Clay?
Like that it both mirrors and contrasts what happens for these two
we are bound to ask ‘what do they have to do with each other?’
The move into the family scene is slightly jarring- after the other worldly tone of the beginning
and at the same time brings Clay ‘to earth’. for us – gives a look into who this man is – from being at the mercy of the universe and other people, to a very UNlikable Lord in his own house.
and again – more foreboding and anxiety.
is the inciting incident for Clay when Adam pops up?
and for Lincoln? or not yet…
The relationship between Hannah and Clay is succinctly laid out.
and time there is a leering Dad we know it can’t be good
the injection of the TV climate feels random at his point but no doubt it will pay off
( I do like that it doesn’t go off on command…)
the memory sc is good. I was ready to just loathe him utterly and this gave him a little background – as in ‘once an innocent kid’
Q: How will we know it is his dad and him?? (assume it like I just did..)
maybe a paternal moment between them during the speech??
Like the Qs around Emmy in the bathroom? drunk? what? (later we find out, right..?)
and that last image of the black arm!! Wow! that’ll blow the minds of the racists the audience!! and make every black (or white) woman want to throw up – what is she doing with him??
If we weren’t on board with the ‘WTF’ before we are now!
I find myself hoping we get to Lincoln again so that’s good. and hoping he is a lot nicer than this asshole..
I think these pages tick all the boxes and while the characters thus far might not be totally unique, the situation and world you have them in is.. so it works.
So Yay!!
-
Hey Dev!
Want to exchange feedback?
-
That’s a big YES my brilliant Cameron! My version 2 is already up. I believe it’s the second one posted.
best!
Dev
-
Hey Dev!
Here are my notes!
_______
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – LATE SUMMER NIGHT
A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home. A window in the basement leaks light from a TV. The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.
[NOTE: “The basement window leaks [or bleeds?] light” may read faster and more coherently. I get the sense this is supposed to read like a zoom-in. I think the shot’s fine, but I wouldn’t sacrifice the description with an adverb in the hope that a cinematographer agrees with you. “The basement window bleeds light and muffles the cries from the television.” Not saying you should use this example, but rather just showcasing that this sets the tone with the same information.]
TV NEWS (O.S.)
(Marchers’ chants)
Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us!
[NOTE: This is definitely provocative.]
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT
CLAY CAINE sits in near dark watching the TV.
CLAY
Those sons of the devil.
[NOTE: And we get Clay’s first introduction. I’m a little lost as to whom he’s casting judgement on though. The way it reads now makes me think he doesn’t like the racist marchers.]
Sudden wind blasts slam tree branches against his home.
CLAY
Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot!
[NOTE: Which idiot? On some level, I feel like this is intended to be a story question, but there’s too little I know for me to care. So far, I have a character who’s obviously pissed. It’s one emotion, and I don’t know who to connect it with. The protestors are my only connection with Clay, but I don’t know enough about him yet either.]
Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
[NOTE: A passive twist. Clay’s not actually involved.]
CLAY
Aw… Jesus…
[NOTE: How is Clay affected by this? He didn’t like the marchers. What’s he pissed about? I’m sure there are people who can relate to being annoyed with protestors, but it’s a passive action to empathize with.]
Distraught, Clay drops his head into his hands.
CLAY
Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…
[NOTE: So were they his marchers?]
WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force the TV blacks out. Clay sits in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
Clay rampages through the dark room, destroying anything he can find.
CLAY
Fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck!
[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of the first page. Clay comes across as a short-fuse who dedicates his free time to yelling at the tv. That’s all I got from the first page. Your second page picks up with WAY more character development and introduces a dilemma for our protagonist, making him active. If you watch this film without any sound or subtitles, we see a storm and an otherwise passive man who gets angry at a tv. Meanwhile, with the second page we get a save the cat moment, followed by watching this guy struggle to rouse a crowd, and the weather wreaking havoc. The YouTube channel “Every Frame a Painting” has a great video on Akira Kurosawa, and how he tells his stories with blocking, weather, and shapes. Genndy Tartakovsky’s PRIMAL is another great reference for pure cinema. Your second page feels like it should be your first. BUT, if you want this scene to back up your festival scene, look for things that make Clay empathetic and active. How can move him through the space or block him in such a way to have the audience say, “I’ve been there.”]
_______
ON THE TWIST…
The multiverse angle is unique, but I would work to communicate some of the description with less than a paragraph. Single words and active verbs to establish a strong visual, followed by a clear connection to the concept of what’s occurring. Fair warning, I don’t know if I would’ve picked up on this being a multiverse without knowing this story prior. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have picked up on it, but I could see me mistakenly thinking we were talking about space KKK, like Skywalker in a white sheet. The twist with Adam is good. We may be led to believe this is Clay’s group, when all of a sudden they oust him. Got AMERICAN BEAUTY vibes with Bethany. I felt almost too much like a retread, but it does add a setup that makes me curious to know how that plot line resolves and will be connected to the main story. Someone other than his wife being in bed with him is where I got caught wanting to read more. That twist works great, especially considering his beliefs.
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
I’ve written on this scene before. I think your second and third pages where Clay is abandoned by his own people is good and gets us on board with what this story’s about very quickly.
ON THE REMAINING TEN PAGES…
The remaining ten pages appear to quietly set up Clay’s family dynamic and the world(s) at large. Considering the way your story ends, I would work to elevate Clay’s humanity in these initial pages. Showcase everything he has to lose. Give us the opposite of where the story ends. When I look at Clay, I think of Tevye from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. He too starts out super traditional but bends and bends until he can’t, but ultimately does promise to hold the love for his family in greater importance than the traditions of his faith that he holds so dear. It’s the opposite of Clay’s arc. Where Tevye chooses family, Clay chooses ambition and his own twisted beliefs. The main difference between the two is Tevye is likable from the get go. He struggles but makes light of it. We want to have a beer with Tevye. Clay starts out mostly unlikable and ends evil. It’s not much of an arc for him. Not saying you make Clay the Captain Jack Sparrow version of klansmen, but adding in more ironies or sudden turns of his demeanor keeps us on our toes more and makes us wonder if he’s capable of change or if he’s dangerous.
I didn’t want to overwhelm with too many notes. Let me know if you want me to review in more detail or page by page. I figured I’d go with this format, considering Hal’s instructions for critiquing, and I’ll add more notes as requested. There’s a lot of potential in the opening of your script, and the best parts are definitely your inciting incident with Adam and the way the parallel worlds interact with each other.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Cam,
As always, great notes. I’ve rewritten my opening scenes at least fifty times…. Originally, I had started with the fair and may go back to it. I’m also getting conflicting notes: some love the opening, others, like you, do not. So, I have to dig in on what I really am going for – which is to have the audience believe Clay to be one way only to find out he’s not.
I love your ‘bleed’ note and those following on my description. Those changes are going in immediately!
I’m so grateful to you!
Dev
-
-
-
-
Hi Dev,
I’d like to read your pages! June
-
June! As always, I’d be grateful if you did! My version 2 is already up.
best,
Dev
-
-
Comments for Dev Ross from June
Hi Dev,
I think it’s great. You also check all of the boxes from the ‘openings’ module. It’s very fun to read and to see how you’ve set up your story, the multiverses, and also have improved it so significantly! Brava well done! I’m excited for you. And impressed.
I think that Alice makes a good point when she asks about Lincoln’s passion and also Clay’s great humiliation. Perhaps when Hannah asks him about what happened, if she persists a bit, he could pull the obey men religious thing? and a switch between being nice to Bethany and then cruel to Hannah? Here are a few notes I took while reading. As usual, take what’s useful and trash the rest. I’m looking forward to reading your whole script. Kudos, you!
GRAND DRAGON CLAY CAINE OF THE KKK IS LITERALLY TOSSED OFF STAGE BY HIS OWN
FOLLOWERS AND IS REPLACED BY A NEW, YOUNGER, MORE RADICAL WHITE SUPREMACIST.
love that (literally thrown off the stage) Love the premise “two realities collapsing into one another” great
A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home. A window in the basement leaks light from a TV. The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.
Nice. I picture a suburban box with a little bit of land. Reading further, maybe a mention of above ground wires?
breeze. Reading later, when the wind becomes fierce, how about modifying ‘breeze’ such as good breeze, stiff breeze or the like?
Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Very interesting! as it seems like Clay is not a Supremacist.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>love the opening Provocative opening.
Clay likes being a hero. He also likes admiring her small comely form as she prances happily away. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Great twist excellent intro Reading further, maybe a mention of the roiling skies? Also likes admiring her comely form- raises the question of his sexual preferences but maybe I watch the news too much :/
A wind-ripped American flag flaps over the stage as the punishing wind forces a COUNTRY BAND to give up on their set. They no sooner clear the stage when the wind subsides. Nothing stirs but the grateful audience when– <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>give up on their set- before they start? Or maybe if they’ve started- the wind warps the sound? <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>love this
Clay yells his response against the wind but he’s soundless against it — while Adam stands, arms wide, embracing the gale. Members of the crowd hoist Adam to the stage, then physically remove Clay. He lands in the dirt. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>excellent move. Love the direct conflict. Love that you show how Clay is failing. Great inciting <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>incident.
The Klan’s dead, old man! Long live the Sons of Patriots! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Instant conflict opening.
They look like harp strings but are parallel universes existing in a simultaneous timeline. Vibrantly healthy strings exist next to those that are dimming. A few dim to black and then spiral to their deaths inside black holes. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>whoa. very neat.
very beautiful description and interesting! Inserted animation, I presume. Intriguing plunge into a unique world.
Among these multiverses, one STRING frays like split ends caused by overbleached hair. Like a cancer spreading, its ragged tendrils breach a neighboring string – causing a SHIMMERING effect across both strings…
“one string frays like split ends caused by overbleached hair.” I think, too many analogies and the bleached hair <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>feels unrelated to your story. The cancer analogy can probably be worked to incorporate the splitting- because <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>tumors do grow blood vessels to feed themselves- and one analogy here will simplify and make it easier to picture. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>clicks the warning/threat box
The wind steals his words, and then spirals up toward the heavens. Lincoln gazes up as if trying to see where his words are going. The wind calms and he notices, just for a brief moment… …a pale SHIMMER ripple across the sky.
also, reading that we’re in a different string- maybe we follow a different path? Is there a way <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>to show an alternate route but I love that the story starts again! Brilliant.
Clay dabs at his mouth with his napkin, runs his tongue over his teeth to check for food debris, then sits up as Emmy escorts in BETHANY, a budding teen beauty just discovering her powers.
Hannah notices Clay noticing Bethany. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>wordsmith here? “a new problem is occurs” “violated trust”
You, too.
Hannah’s not blind.
Good scene. A lot of friction. It occurs to me that Clay could be a real dick and very obviously <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>stare at Bethany’s behind. Hannah’s such a wimp that she’d put up with it. But maybe that’s just <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>too extreme.
In his mini-Klan robe, an eight-year-old raptly listens; his young face lit by the light of the burning cross. Consider matchcut? The 8 year old watches through the window?
AUGUST CAINE (CONT’D)
EMMY
I’m out <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>good double entendre.
Clay moves to remove it when he realizes: The skin is smooth and silky like Hannah’s, but it’s no longer white… it’s black.
Great. Earlier, it seems that the switch between multiverses is set up with a clear trigger- wind <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>or streak of light in the sky. Here, it just happens. I love the cut and switch, I just think you have <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>to make the rules clear.
-
June,
Thank you for your really precise notes! I really depend on them as – I’ve already done so many rewrites – especially on my opening page – that I’ve lost perspective. Probably, just need to take a few days break from the story.
Your note about the match-cut with the boy looking out the window is great. I’m really thinking on that… In my research, I saw so many young children attending Klan rallies in their little white robes that it really impacted me. I’ll have to choose one or the other or find a way to do both.
Again, I have grown quite dependent on you! So grateful!
Dev
-
-
Critique for Dev Version 2
1. Line by line on the first page.
FADE IN:
001 SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – LATE SUMMER NIGHT
002 ACTION: A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home. A window in the basement leaks light from a TV. The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.
COMMENT: USING DRAMATIC DEVICES TO CREATE ENVIRONMENT AND ATMOSPHERE
003 DIALOGUE: TV NEWS (O.S.) (Marchers’ chants) Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us!
COMMENT: THIS MAKES US AWARE OF THE WORLD HE LIVES IN
004 SCENE HEADLINE: INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT
005 ACTION: CLAY CAINE sits in near dark watching the TV.
006 DIALOGUE: CLAY Those sons of the devil.
007 ACTION: Sudden wind blasts slam tree branches against his home.
008 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot!
009 ACTION: Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
010 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Aw… Jesus…
011 ACTION: Distraught, Clay drops his head into his hands.
012 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…
013 ACTION: WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force the TV blacks out. Clay sits in the dark.
014 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Fuck.
015 ACTION: Clay rampages through the dark room, destroying anything he can find.
016 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck!
COMMENT: THE OPENING SCENE USED METAPHOR (THE BREEZE TURNING INTO STRONG WINDS DESCRIBING CHANGE, SOCIAL UNREST, CONFLICT) AND THE DIALOGUE AND ACTION REVEALED CHARACTER TRAITS (BELIEF, HIS PERSPECTIVE ON THE WORLD, HIS IMPULSIVE REACTION)
2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.
The opening scene consists on the introduction of one half of the protagonist, which is interesting, as there is another half, an equivalent protagonist in a different or parallel dimension. The introduction not only uses dialogue and action to reveal subtext, but also employs contrast between the parallel versions of the protagonist to describe and make us want to know more about these characters.
The synopsis references to the multiverse (Or is it another multiverse? Meaning that contrary to our old fashioned understanding of a universe, there is now an idea of a multiverse, and even more, here we get the assumption that there might be multiple versions of the multiverse, and that might be the reason why the noun is written in plural, “multiverses”)
The twist at the end of the 10 pages, consists on the protagonist’s wife skin turning from white into black, leaving us hooked in a way like no other story since the Matrix did a couple of decades ago. This is a new intriguing approach on the ‘real world’ and about the way how things work in there… or is it here?
3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.
The opening leaves us with questions that make us read further:
Clay seems to be thrown away and yet, there is a new form of the problem ready to carry on — just like a virus that mutates over and over, a problem that is hard to erradicate. Irony unfolds when the white supremacist comes to rely on virtues like endurance, positive attitude, trust, family support, etc., to continue. The other half of the protagonist relies on being appointed by the divine, like emperors and rulers in many cultures have done for centuries.
4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages. We won’t be critiquing page 2 – 10 line by line.
The 10-page consists on a mix of contrast opening with a touch of plunge into a unique world. A very smart approach. A page-turner. Well done.
Hope this helps, Dev!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
(SEE VERSION TWO POSTED BELOW)
ALL CRITIQUES WELCOME!
DAY 6 – Making Your First Ten Pages Great
Lisa’s Ready for Critique!
Synopsis
Mary saves her husband Peter from the George Bailey bridge. Later, we find out that Mary is a volunteer firefighter and she separated from Peter after the bridge incident. V.O. is used to explain how Seneca Falls, NY was the inspiration for Bedford Falls in the classic movie, It’s a Wonderful Life (IAWL). The first 6 scenes here show how Mary is a kick-ass mom and how she sacrifices while trying to hold everything together. Mary gave up her dream of traveling the world to stay in Seneca Falls and raise a family when she found herself pregnant right out of high school.
Peter struggles with the separation from his family and soon the loss of his snowmobile business. It hasn’t snowed in 3 years. Peter receives a letter from the bank that his business will be repossessed on Christmas Day if he doesn’t come up with the money owed. The character of Ma Jenkins in the following reflects Peter’s good traits.
Shortly after these scenes, Peter gets the idea to kidnap Santa Claus after seeing his daughters on the NORAD site. Peter was stationed at NORAD for a time while in the military prior to being shipped off to war where he became a hero. He knows that Santa is real and will use that knowledge to blackmail Santa with worldwide exposure if he doesn’t help him steal presents which he will fence to get money to pay his mortgage off. Mary is the only other one in Seneca Falls that knows Santa is real.
Near the end, Mary dressed as Santa thwarts Peter’s plans. Santa makes it snow. A la IAWL, the town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay off what he owes and save his shop. Mary and Peter reconcile.
(NOTE: Originally, I had Mary ending up with her boyfriend, Joseph. But just today, I’ve decided to make changes and have her end up with Peter in the end. I’ve added the first 10 pages where the Inciting Incident begins plus the next scene where the story takes off. I already cut out parts of scenes 3, 4, and 5 in order to shorten the scenes. I recognize that I may need to cut more.)
FADE UP
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN dressed in a white robe like an angel, is passed out and dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.
WOMAN
They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here?
She looks down at the MAN.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
How do you save a war hero who hasn’t gotten his wings yet?
Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it under her soaking wet life jacket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her life jacket. The rope jerks and falls! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
Well, this is what I do. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!
The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful li…
Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!!
FADE OUT
(NOTE: END OF OPENING)
SLOW FADE IN SHOWS EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…
We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.
SHOTS OF MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM
There are people walking around town, going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…
You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.
Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let Violet have it. She’s been after everything “ME” since kindergarten. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best darned festival ever!
SHOT OF THE FRONT OF THE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM
SHOT OF THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
Oh no. There it is. Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 3 years ago, I saved my husband Peter from death under that bridge. We separated shortly after that event. The George Bailey bridge sits in the middle of town and haunts us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…
CUT TO
SHOT OF THE STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
This is the street where I live. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.
MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
The one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.
EXT- MARY’SHOUSE-DAY
Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later.
INT- MARY’S FOYER-DAY
Mary’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set. Many travel photos and posters line the walls. (as in IAWL).
INT-MARY’S KITCHEN-DAY
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
I still dream of far-off places. My daughters often ask where I go when I stare into space. I’m in New Zealand or in India or on safari in Africa.
Mary speaks directly into the camera breaking the fourth wall again.
MARY
(holding a pan of hot Christmas cookies)
But then I snap out of it and with my feet firmly planted here in Seneca Falls, I’m focusing on the light of Christmas.
Mary holds up the cookies to the camera. Then looks around where every surface in the kitchen is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies.
MARY (CONTINUED)
And along with the other Christmas man Santa Claus, I try to see everyone and make miracles happen for them.
(THIRD PAGE TWIST – Mary is not going off to exotic locations but stays in town to try to make life work focusing on helping everyone else)
Mary puts down the cookies and goes to the front door. She yells outside.
MARY
Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!
Mary has prepared breakfast and is clearing the clutter on the table for her daughters. Mary stops and looks at her mother’s photo on the wall. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her tablet under her arm.
MARY
(smiling) That is not how the song goes.
RUTHIE
Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!
JANIE
Yeah!
Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.
MARY
Okay, if you day so.
The girls take their seats and Mary places their breakfasts of waffles and ice cream on the table. After all, it’s hot outside. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats his dog food.
MARY (CONTINUED)
No tablets at the table, Ruthie.
RUTHIE
I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.
MARY
I’ll take a look at it. You eat.
Mary sits and looks at the tablet. She sees Ruthie is on the NORAD site. Mary sees a message on the top of the site that states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23rd of December”.
MARY (CONTINUED)
It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.
RUTHIE
Can daddy fix it?
MARY
Daddy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. That reminds me. (looking at her phone) I need to call your father to see if he’s coming over for Christmas.
Mary puts her phone down and gets serious.
MARY (CONTINUED)
Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your dad for Christmas.
RUTHIE
What do you mean?
JANIE
(getting anxious) He’s coming, isn’t he?
MARY
Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. He’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.
Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.
MARY (CONTINUED)
BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Joseph!
RUTHIE
(half-heartedly) Sure.
JANIE
It’s not the same without daddy.
They sit in silence. Mary’s not sure what to say next. She gets a wet cloth and wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.
MARY
You like Joe, don’t you?
RUTHIE
He’s nice.
Janie shakes her head yes. Ruthie pulls away as Mary tries to wipe her face too.
MARY
Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. What do you want for Christmas?
RUTHIE
To stay in Seneca Falls. When can we tell daddy that we’re moving?
MARY
I think it’s best that we wait until after Christmas to tell anyone. Now pinky swear that you will keep our secret.
RUTHIE
Okay, mom.
JANIE
Yeah.
Mary, Ruthie, and Janie put their pinky fingers together. And as they break…
MARY, RUTHIE, JANIE
Hee haw!
(TWIST: Mary has a secret; plans to move out of town after the festival, but only the girls know it. NOTE: Hee haw is a reference from IAWL)
MARY
Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?
Mary looks at the photo of her mother on the wall. The girls look at it too.
MARY (CONTINUED)
She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”
Mary clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Mary looks at their sad faces.
MARY
Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school!
Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Mary.
MARY
You too, Uncle Billy!
Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.
CUT TO
INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING
MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest. Enter PETER WINTERS, a tall 40-year-old, the man Mary saved from drowning years prior, and Mary’s brooding ex-husband who is also a war veteran. He wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious Opie-like 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…
MA
Skip! Stand up.
SKIPPER
Why?
MA
(hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.
PETER
Good morning.
MA
(under her breath)
Skip.
SKIPPER
Good morning.
MA
(scoldingly) Good morning, what?
SKIPPER
(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.
PETER
Please sit down.
Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”
Peter sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the milky window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian still looks as it did at the turn of the last century. It needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.
MA
(to Skipper) You may sit now.
Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Peter. Ma places Peter’s breakfast of eggs, sausage, and toast in front of him. Then serves Skipper. Peter pushes the eggs around…he really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but he does it to show respect for Ma.
PETER
Good as always, Ma
MA
Glad you like it. You have work today?
PETER
I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to work on his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her lawn. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.
MA
Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!
PETER
Thanks, Ma.
MA
Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.
Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Peter. Peter stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.
(NOTE: Part 1 of INCITING INCIDENT. Peter receives notice that he’s about to lose his business)
SKIPPER
Well, aren’t ya going to open it?
PETER
I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.
MA
You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.
Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper rolls his eyes, but slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands. Feeling embarrassed about the pink envelope, Peter stuffs the envelope in his pants pocket. Ma hands him a thermos with a long strap and he throws it over his arm. Peter busses his place taking his dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back screen door.
SKIPPER
(Looking out the back door) Why’s he always in such a hurry?
MA
He’s a busy man, helping out people every day in this town.
Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Peter slowly going down the walk reading his letter.
MA (CONTINUED)
I sure hope he can get his shop working again. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave man who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious father, a friend to all. Don’t matter that he’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.
Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.
MA (CONTINUED)
He is loved.
Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.
MA (CONTINUED)
Now get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and scurries back to the kitchen when there’s a knock on the back door screen. Ma opens the screen door. Skipper hangs out the door to see who’s there. A disheveled and dirty HOBO is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness. It is common for those jumping the rails to stop by because of Ma’s famous hospitality.
HOBO
Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.
MA
No one is turned away here. (Hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.
(to Skipper)
What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper runs up the front stairs. The man goes to a garden hose and washes up. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.
MA (CONTINUED)
Come on in and sit down now.
HOBO
Ma’am, I can’t pay.
MA
No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!
CUT TO
EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY
Peter is on Ma’s front walk. He rips open the pink envelope and pulls out the letter. Peter’s face falls and he tears up as he reads it.
CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER
The line that is highlighted like in an old movie is “Mr. Winters you have until December 25<sup>th</sup> to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”
EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY
Peter is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. He steps off the curb and tires screech!
Mary has slammed on the brakes of her SUV.
INT-SUV-DAY
MARY
(Jolting forward) Jesus!
JANIE
Mom!
MARY
Are you alright?
Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.
MARY
Stay in the car!
As Mary jumps out of the SUV…
JANIE AND RUTHIE
(Yelling and waving through the windshield) Dad! Hi Daddy! We miss you! I love you, daddy!
MARY
Jiminy Christmas, Peter! I almost ran over you!
PETER
(stunned) Oh. Wow.
Seeing his daughters in the SUV, Peter lightly waves at them.
MARY
What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?
PETER
Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.
Mary notices the letter in his hand.
MARY
Is that the bad news?
Mary tries to snatch it. Peter stuffs it in his pocket.
PETER
Never you mind.
MARY
What is it?
PETER
You never seem to get it. (In her face) We’re not together anymore.
Peter walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.
MARY
(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!
Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their dad’s arms.
JANIE
Hi Daddy!
RUTHIE
Daddy, how are you?
Peter tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in his eyes because of the bad news he just got. Mary paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Peter.
PETER
I miss you little ladies.
RUTHIE
We miss you too.
Peter sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.
PETER
What are you doing?
RUTHIE
We’re waiting for Santa to fly.
Peter takes the tablet and stares at the main page of the NORAD site where Santa’s journey around the world is tracked every year. He recognizes the site because he worked at NORAD when he was in the military before being shipped off to war.
PETER
NORAD. I remember that site well.
JANIE
Daddy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?
PETER
Well…I don’t know baby.
Peter hands the tablet back to Ruthie.
MARY
Pete, can I speak to you for a second? Please?
PETER
Be good at school today little ladies.
Peter kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.
JANIE
When will we see you again?
PETER
Soon baby.
RUTHIE
Promise?
PETER
I promise.
Peter closes the SUV sliding door as if he’s closing the door to his heart. He meanders to the front of the vehicle where Mary is waiting.
MARY
Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.
Peter nonchalantly glances at his pocket.
PETER
I can’t commit to anything right now.
MARY
Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.
Mary stops and stares at Peter wondering if he’s slipped back into a deep depression. Then she addresses the camera, breaking the fourth wall again.
MARY
I’ve known this guy since I was 14. I always know when something is up with him. I will find out.
Mary remembers what she’s doing…
MARY
We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.
Mary starts to walk away, then turns back around.
MARY (CONTINUED)
(in pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?
PETER
I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!
They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.
MARY
Okay wise guy.
Mary hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the vehicle and as she drives away…
MARY (CONTINUED)
(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!
Peter standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech behind him! Peter jumps and turns around.
ERNIE
(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Pete! Get out of the street!
PETER
Sorry, Ernie!
Peter crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly. Peter takes the letter out of his pocket and looks at it once more.
PETER
(to himself)
NORAD. Santa. Hmm.
Peter stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House as he puts the letter back in his pocket.
PETER
(to himself)
I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.
Peter trots off down the street with a renewed pep.
FADE OUT
(NOTE: Part 2 of INCITING INCIDENT. Peter declares that he’s going to get his business and family back)
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Lisa Paris Long.
-
Lisa, my notes are in BOLD.
FADE UP
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN dressed in a white robe like an angel, is passed out and dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.
WOMAN
They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here?
She looks down at the MAN.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
How do you save a war hero who hasn’t gotten his wings yet?
Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it under her soaking wet life jacket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
PROVOCATIVE OPENING! LOVE HOW DANGEROUS IT IS AND THEN MARY BEING SO BENIGN ON THE PHONE!
The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her life jacket. The rope jerks and falls! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
Well, this is what I do. (yelling) I’m a mother in America! WONDERFUL DISTINGUISHING CHARACTER LINE! I CAN RELATE!
The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful li…
Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!! THIS FIRST PAGE HAS HOOKED ME TOTALLY. GREAT JOB! I FULLY UNDERSTAND THE DISTINGUISHING TRAITS OF YOUR PROTAGONIST.
FADE OUT
(NOTE: END OF OPENING)
SLOW FADE IN SHOWS EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…
We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.
SHOTS OF MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM
There are people walking around town, going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
SMALL POINT BUT SLUGLINES ARE WRITTEN LIKES THIS: EXT. SENECAL FALLS – NY – CONTINUOUS. CONTINUED V.O.’S ARE WRITTEN AS (V.O.-CONT’D)
AGAIN, JUST SMALL STUFF BUT AS A FORMER SCRIPT ANALYST/READER FOR FILM COMPANIES, WE DID PAY ATTENTION TO IF WRITERS UNDERSTOOD CORRECT FORMATING…
THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…
You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.
Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let Violet have it. She’s been after everything “ME” since kindergarten. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best darned festival ever!
SHOT OF THE FRONT OF THE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM
SHOT OF THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
BE CAREFUL WITH ADDING ‘SHOT OF…’ IT’S DIRECTORIAL, WHICH WE WRITERS NEED TO AVOID. SUGGEST TRYING: “WE SEE OR “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE’S MUSEUM LOOMS LARGE ON A STREET CORNER…
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
Oh no. There it is. Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 3 years ago, I saved my husband Peter from death under that bridge. We separated shortly after that event. The George Bailey bridge sits in the middle of town and haunts us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…
CUT TO
SHOT OF THE STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
This is the street where I live. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.
MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
The one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.
EXT- MARY’SHOUSE-DAY
Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later.
INT- MARY’S FOYER-DAY
Mary’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set. Many travel photos and posters line the walls. (as in IAWL).
INT-MARY’S KITCHEN-DAY
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
I still dream of far-off places. My daughters often ask where I go when I stare into space. I’m in New Zealand or in India or on safari in Africa.
Mary speaks directly into the camera breaking the fourth wall again.
MARY
(holding a pan of hot Christmas cookies)
But then I snap out of it and with my feet firmly planted here in Seneca Falls, I’m focusing on the light of Christmas.
Mary holds up the cookies to the camera. Then looks around where every surface in the kitchen is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies.
MARY (CONTINUED)
And along with the other Christmas man Santa Claus, I try to see everyone and make miracles happen for them.
(THIRD PAGE TWIST – Mary is not going off to exotic locations but stays in town to try to make life work focusing on helping everyone else).
I THINK YOU CAN MAKE THE TWIST STRONGER. IT’S THERE BUT I HAD TO GO BACK AND RE-READ TO REALLY GET ITHAT IT WAS A STRONG TWIST. MAYBE WE SEE HER DAY-DREAMING OF HERSELF CLIMBING MOUNTAINS OR SAILING THE OCEANS, THEN CONTRAST THAT TO REAL LIFE IN HER KITCHEN, BAKING. TAKE IT TO THE EXTREME? SHE’S SWINGING ACROSS A RAVINE, HOLDING A TREASURE, MAKES IT TO THE OTHER SIDE, SETS IT DOWN… CUT TO: HER SETTING DOWN COOKIES?
Mary puts down the cookies and goes to the front door. She yells outside.
MARY
Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!
Mary has prepared breakfast and is clearing the clutter on the table for her daughters. Mary stops and looks at her mother’s photo on the wall. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her tablet under her arm.
MARY
(smiling) That is not how the song goes.
RUTHIE
Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!
JANIE
Yeah!
Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.
MARY
Okay, if you day so.
The girls take their seats and Mary places their breakfasts of waffles and ice cream on the table. After all, it’s hot outside. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats his dog food.
MARY (CONTINUED)
No tablets at the table, Ruthie.
RUTHIE
I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.
MARY
I’ll take a look at it. You eat.
Mary sits and looks at the tablet. She sees Ruthie is on the NORAD site. Mary sees a message on the top of the site that states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23rd of December”.
MARY (CONTINUED)
It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.
RUTHIE
Can daddy fix it?
MARY
Daddy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. That reminds me. (looking at her phone) I need to call your father to see if he’s coming over for Christmas.
Mary puts her phone down and gets serious.
MARY (CONTINUED)
Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your dad for Christmas.
RUTHIE
What do you mean?
JANIE
(getting anxious) He’s coming, isn’t he?
MARY
Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. He’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.
Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.
MARY (CONTINUED)
BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Joseph!
RUTHIE
(half-heartedly) Sure.
JANIE
It’s not the same without daddy.
They sit in silence. Mary’s not sure what to say next. She gets a wet cloth and wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.
MARY
You like Joe, don’t you?
RUTHIE
He’s nice.
Janie shakes her head yes. Ruthie pulls away as Mary tries to wipe her face too.
MARY
Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. What do you want for Christmas?
RUTHIE
To stay in Seneca Falls. When can we tell daddy that we’re moving?
MARY
I think it’s best that we wait until after Christmas to tell anyone. Now pinky swear that you will keep our secret.
RUTHIE
Okay, mom.
JANIE
Yeah.
Mary, Ruthie, and Janie put their pinky fingers together. And as they break…
MARY, RUTHIE, JANIE
Hee haw!
(TWIST: Mary has a secret; plans to move out of town after the festival, but only the girls know it. NOTE: Hee haw is a reference from IAWL) THIS SEEMS A BIT WEAK. I LIKE SHE HAS A SECRET THAT GETS REVEALED BUT IS THERE A STRONGER WAY THAN HER JUST MENTIONING IT?
MARY
Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?
Mary looks at the photo of her mother on the wall. The girls look at it too.
MARY (CONTINUED)
She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”
Mary clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Mary looks at their sad faces.
MARY
Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school! COULD THE TWIST COME HERE? I KNOW IT SOUNDS DISHONEST OF THEIR MOTHER BUT IT WOULD BE A SURPRISE. THE GIRLS COULD REMARK SOMETHING AKIN TO, “IT’S NOT OUR ‘LAST’ DAY OF SCHOOL, MOM, IT’S JUST CHRISTMAS VACATION.” THIS COULD CATCH MARY UP. SHE HASN’T TOLD THEM YET THAT SHE’S PLANNING ON MOVING…. SHE COULD EVEN COVER BUT WE SEE SOMETHING’S UP? JUST A SUGGESTION!
Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Mary.
MARY
You too, Uncle Billy!
Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.
CUT TO
INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING
MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest. Enter PETER WINTERS, a tall 40-year-old, the man Mary saved from drowning years prior, and Mary’s brooding ex-husband who is also a war veteran. He wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious Opie-like 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…
MA
Skip! Stand up.
SKIPPER
Why?
MA
(hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.
PETER
Good morning.
MA
(under her breath)
Skip.
SKIPPER
Good morning.
MA
(scoldingly) Good morning, what?
SKIPPER
(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.
PETER
Please sit down.
Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”
Peter sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the milky window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian still looks as it did at the turn of the last century. It needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.
MA
(to Skipper) You may sit now.
Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Peter. Ma places Peter’s breakfast of eggs, sausage, and toast in front of him. Then serves Skipper. Peter pushes the eggs around…he really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but he does it to show respect for Ma.
PETER
Good as always, Ma
MA
Glad you like it. You have work today?
PETER
I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to work on his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her lawn. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.
MA
Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!
PETER
Thanks, Ma.
MA
Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.
Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Peter. Peter stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.
(NOTE: Part 1 of INCITING INCIDENT. Peter receives notice that he’s about to lose his business) I’M THINKING THIS CAN’T BE THE INCITING INCIDENT UNLESS HE READS THE LETTER NOW.
SKIPPER
Well, aren’t ya going to open it?
PETER
I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.
MA
You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.
Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper rolls his eyes, but slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands. Feeling embarrassed about the pink envelope, Peter stuffs the envelope in his pants pocket. Ma hands him a thermos with a long strap and he throws it over his arm. Peter busses his place taking his dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back screen door.
SKIPPER
(Looking out the back door) Why’s he always in such a hurry?
MA
He’s a busy man, helping out people every day in this town.
Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Peter slowly going down the walk reading his letter.
MA (CONTINUED)
I sure hope he can get his shop working again. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave man who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious father, a friend to all. Don’t matter that he’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.
Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.
MA (CONTINUED)
He is loved.
Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.
MA (CONTINUED)
Now get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and scurries back to the kitchen when there’s a knock on the back door screen. Ma opens the screen door. Skipper hangs out the door to see who’s there. A disheveled and dirty HOBO is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness. It is common for those jumping the rails to stop by because of Ma’s famous hospitality.
HOBO
Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.
MA
No one is turned away here. (Hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.
(to Skipper)
What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper runs up the front stairs. The man goes to a garden hose and washes up. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.
MA (CONTINUED)
Come on in and sit down now.
HOBO
Ma’am, I can’t pay.
MA
No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!
CUT TO
EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY
Peter is on Ma’s front walk. He rips open the pink envelope and pulls out the letter. Peter’s face falls and he tears up as he reads it.
CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER
The line that is highlighted like in an old movie is “Mr. Winters you have until December 25<sup>th</sup> to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”
EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY
Peter is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. He steps off the curb and tires screech!
Mary has slammed on the brakes of her SUV.
INT-SUV-DAY
MARY
(Jolting forward) Jesus!
JANIE
Mom!
MARY
Are you alright?
Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.
MARY
Stay in the car!
As Mary jumps out of the SUV…
JANIE AND RUTHIE
(Yelling and waving through the windshield) Dad! Hi Daddy! We miss you! I love you, daddy!
MARY
Jiminy Christmas, Peter! I almost ran over you!
PETER
(stunned) Oh. Wow.
Seeing his daughters in the SUV, Peter lightly waves at them.
MARY
What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?
PETER
Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.
Mary notices the letter in his hand.
MARY
Is that the bad news?
Mary tries to snatch it. Peter stuffs it in his pocket.
PETER
Never you mind.
MARY
What is it?
PETER
You never seem to get it. (In her face) We’re not together anymore.
Peter walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.
MARY
(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!
Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their dad’s arms.
JANIE
Hi Daddy!
RUTHIE
Daddy, how are you?
Peter tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in his eyes because of the bad news he just got. Mary paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Peter.
PETER
I miss you little ladies.
RUTHIE
We miss you too.
Peter sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.
PETER
What are you doing?
RUTHIE
We’re waiting for Santa to fly.
Peter takes the tablet and stares at the main page of the NORAD site where Santa’s journey around the world is tracked every year. He recognizes the site because he worked at NORAD when he was in the military before being shipped off to war.
PETER
NORAD. I remember that site well.
JANIE
Daddy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?
PETER
Well…I don’t know baby.
Peter hands the tablet back to Ruthie.
MARY
Pete, can I speak to you for a second? Please?
PETER
Be good at school today little ladies.
Peter kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.
JANIE
When will we see you again?
PETER
Soon baby.
RUTHIE
Promise?
PETER
I promise.
Peter closes the SUV sliding door as if he’s closing the door to his heart. He meanders to the front of the vehicle where Mary is waiting.
MARY
Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.
Peter nonchalantly glances at his pocket.
PETER
I can’t commit to anything right now.
MARY
Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.
Mary stops and stares at Peter wondering if he’s slipped back into a deep depression. Then she addresses the camera, breaking the fourth wall again.
MARY
I’ve known this guy since I was 14. I always know when something is up with him. I will find out.
Mary remembers what she’s doing…
MARY
We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.
Mary starts to walk away, then turns back around.
MARY (CONTINUED)
(in pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?
PETER
I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!
They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.
MARY
Okay wise guy.
Mary hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the vehicle and as she drives away…
MARY (CONTINUED)
(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!
Peter standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech behind him! Peter jumps and turns around.
ERNIE
(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Pete! Get out of the street!
PETER
Sorry, Ernie!
Peter crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly. Peter takes the letter out of his pocket and looks at it once more.
PETER
(to himself)
NORAD. Santa. Hmm.
Peter stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House as he puts the letter back in his pocket.
PETER
(to himself)
I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.
Peter trots off down the street with a renewed pep.
FADE OUT
(NOTE: Part 2 of INCITING INCIDENT. Peter declares that he’s going to get his business and family back)
I THINK THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE OF A TWIST OR HOOK AT THE END OF YOUR TEN PAGES TO MAKE US WANT TO KEEP READING TO FIND OUT WHAT’S NEXT. SINCE PETER ALMOST LOST HIS LIFE DANGLING OVER A BRIDGE BEFORE, DOES HE RETURN TO THAT BRIDGE WITH HIS LETTER AND LOOK OVER THE SIDE…? LITERALLY, I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU LEAVE US DANGLING AS VIEWERS AND WANT TO COME BACK TO SEE WHAT PETER DOES.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ALL IN ALL, I LOVE YOUR STORY, FIND IT HEARTWARMING AND MARY IS A HOOT!
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>DEV
0
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dev Ross.
-
Thank you, Dev for the informative and kind critique. I clearly have some work to do. And I decided last night to make a big change to the story…stay tuned.
Appreciate your feedback!
Lisa
-
Lisa,
Writing is rewriting, yes? You have a great story, sure to sell!
Dev
-
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
Lisa’s Ready for Critique!
ALL CRITIQUES WELCOME!
DAY6 – Making Your First Ten Pages Great
NOTE: I have made a major reversal to my story. I switched the main characters of Mary and Peter. Mary is now the war hero who suffers from PTSD and kidnaps Santa Claus. Peter is taking care of the children.
Synopsis:
Peter saves his wife Mary from the George Bailey bridge. Later, we find out that Peter is a volunteer firefighter and he separated from Mary after the bridge incident. V.O. is used to explain how Seneca Falls, NY was the inspiration for Bedford Falls in the classic movie, It’s a Wonderful Life (IAWL). Mary gave up her dream of traveling the world to stay in Seneca Falls and raise a family when she found herself pregnant right out of high school.
Now she struggles with the separation from her family and soon the loss of her snowmobile business. It hasn’t snowed in 3 years. Mary receives a letter from the bank that her business will be repossessed on Christmas Day if she doesn’t come up with the money owed. The character of Ma Jenkins in the following reflects Mary’s good traits.
Shortly after these scenes, Mary gets the idea to kidnap Santa Claus after seeing her daughters on the NORAD site. Mary was stationed at NORAD for a time while in the military prior to being shipped off to war where she became a hero. She knows that Santa is real and will use that knowledge to blackmail Santa with worldwide exposure if he doesn’t help her steal presents which she will fence to get money to pay her mortgage off. Peter is the only other one in Seneca Falls that knows Santa is real.
Near the end, Peter dressed as Santa thwarts Mary’s plans. Santa makes it snow. A la IAWL, the town gives Mary the money from the festival to pay off what she owes and save her shop. Mary and Peter reconcile.
FADE UP
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN is passed out and just dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN dressed like an angel in a white robe, like Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.
WOMAN
They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save me.
She looks down at the MAN.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?
Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it in her pocket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her pants. The rope jerks! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
Well, this is what I am. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!
The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I’m hanging around trying to convince myself that it really is a wonderful li…
Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera.
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!!
FADE OUT
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY-CONTINUOUS
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…
We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.
MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS
THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM
There are people walking around town and going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS
THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…
You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.
Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. But I couldn’t do it. So, my poor Peter has taken over running the show this year.
THE FRONT OF THE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM
THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
Oh no. There it is. Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 3 years ago, my husband Peter saved me from death at that bridge. We separated shortly after that event. The George Bailey bridge sits in the middle of town and haunts us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…
CUT TO
STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
This is the street where I lived. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.
MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
The one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.
EXT- MARY’S HOUSE-DAY
Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.
MARY (V.O. CONT’D)
After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later. There are my beautiful daughters. This is where I leave you…because I don’t live here anymore.
CUT TO
INT- PETER’S HOUSE-FOYER
Peter’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set.
INT-PETER’S KITCHEN-DAY
Peter carefully pulls a pan of Christmas cookies out of the oven. Then looks around to find a clear spot to put them. Every surface is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies. He plops them on top of another pan to cool. Peter goes to the front screen door. He yells outside.
Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!
Peter clears some of the clutter on the table. He grabs a couple of hot waffles out of the toaster and slaps some ice cream on top each of them. Peter stops and looks at his mother-in-law’s photo on the wall. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her tablet under her arm.
PETER
That is not how the song goes.
RUTHIE
Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!
JANIE
Yeah!
Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.
PETER
Okay, if you day so.
The girls take their seats and Peter places their breakfasts of waffles and ice cream on the table. After all, it’s hot outside. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats his dog food.
PETER (CONT’D)
No tablets at the table, Ruthie.
RUTHIE
I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.
PETER
I’ll take a look at it. You eat.
Peter sits and looks at the tablet. He sees Ruthie is on the NORAD site. Peter sees a message on the top of the site that states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23<sup>rd</sup> of December”.
PETER (CONT’D)
It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.
RUTHIE
Can mommy fix it?
PETER
Mommy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. That reminds me. (Looking at his phone) I need to call your mother to see if she’s coming over for Christmas.
Peter puts his phone down and gets serious.
PETER (CONT’D)
Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your mom for Christmas.
RUTHIE
What do you mean?
JANIE
She’s coming, isn’t she?
PETER
Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. She’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.
Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.
PETER (CONT’D)
BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Josephine!
RUTHIE
Sure.
JANIE
It’s not the same without mommy.
They sit in silence. Peter’s not sure what to say next. He gets a wet cloth and wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.
PETER
You like Jo, don’t you?
RUTHIE
She’s nice.
Janie shakes her head yes. Ruthie pulls away as Peter tries to wipe her face too.
PETER
Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?
The girls look at the photo of their grandma on the wall.
PETER (CONT’D)
She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”
Peter clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Peter looks at their sad faces.
PETER
Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school!
Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Peter.
PETER (CONT’D)
You too, Uncle Billy!
Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.
CUT TO
INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING
MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest. Enter MARY WINTERS, a 5’6’, 37-year-old, who is shaped like a Christmas tree and the woman Peter saved from drowning years prior. She is Peter’s brooding wife who is also a war veteran. She wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…
MA
Skip! Stand up.
SKIPPER
Why?
MA
(Hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.
MARY
Good morning.
MA
Skip.
SKIPPER
Good morning.
MA
(scoldingly) Good morning, what?
SKIPPER
(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.
MARY
Please sit down.
Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”
Mary sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the cloudy window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.
MA
(to Skipper) You may sit now.
Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Mary. Ma places Mary’s breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of her. Then serves Skipper. Mary pushes the eggs around…she really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but she does it to show respect for Ma.
MARY
Good as always, Ma
MA
Glad you like it. You have work today?
MARY
I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to help him with his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her plants. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.
MA
Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!
MARY
Thanks, Ma.
MA
Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.
Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Mary. Mary stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.
SKIPPER
Well, aren’t ya going to open it?
MARY
I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.
MA
You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.
Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper rolls his eyes, but slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands. Feeling embarrassed about the pink envelope, Mary stuffs the envelope in her pants pocket. Ma hands her a thermos with a long strap and she throws it over her arm. Mary busses her place taking her dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back screen door.
SKIPPER
(Looking out the back door) Why’s she always in such a hurry?
MA
She’s a busy woman, helping out people every day in this town.
Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Mary slowly going down the walk reading her letter.
MA (CONT’D)
I sure hope she can get her shop working again. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave woman who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious mother, a friend to all. Don’t matter that she’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.
Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.
MA (CONT’D)
She is loved.
Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.
MA (CONTINUED)
Now get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and scurries back to the kitchen when there’s a knock on the back door screen. Ma opens the screen door. Skipper hangs out the door to see who’s there. A disheveled and dirty HOBO is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness. It is common for those jumping the rails to stop by because of Ma’s famous hospitality.
HOBO
Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.
MA
No one is turned away here. (hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.
(to Skipper)
What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper runs up the front stairs. The man goes to a garden hose and washes up. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.
MA (CONT’D)
Come on in and sit down now.
HOBO
Ma’am, I can’t pay.
MA
No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!
Ma gives a heartfelt laugh.
CUT TO
EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY
Ma’s old Victorian Boarding House is set way back from the street. Mary is on Ma’s front walk. She rips open the pink envelope and pulls out the letter. Mary’s face falls and she tears up as she reads it.
CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER
The line that is highlighted (like in an old movie) is “Mrs. Winters you have until December 25<sup>th</sup> to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”
EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY
Mary is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. She steps off the curb and tires screech!
Peter has slammed on the brakes of the SUV.
INT-SUV-DAY
(jolting forward) Jesus!
JANIE
Dad!
PETER
Are you alright?
Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.
PETER
Stay in the car!
As Peter jumps out of the SUV…
JANIE AND RUTHIE
(yelling and waving through the windshield) Mom! Hi Mommy! We miss you! I love you, mommy!
PETER
Jiminy Christmas, Mary! I almost ran over you!
MARY
(stunned) Oh. Wow.
Seeing her daughters in the SUV, Mary waves at them.
PETER
What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?
MARY
Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.
Peter notices the letter in her hand.
PETER
Is that the bad news?
Peter tries to snatch it. Mary stuffs it in her pocket.
MARY
Never you mind.
PETER
What is it?
MARY
You never seem to get it. (in his face) We’re separated.
Mary walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.
PETER
(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!
Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their mom’s arms.
JANIE
Hi Mommy!
RUTHIE
Mommy! How are you?
Mary tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in her eyes, also because of the bad news she just got. Peter paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Mary.
MARY
I miss you little ladies.
RUTHIE
We miss you too.
Mary sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.
MARY
What are you doing?
RUTHIE
We’re waiting for Santa to fly.
Mary takes the tablet and stares at the main page of the NORAD site where Santa’s journey around the world is tracked every year. She recognizes the site because she worked at NORAD when she was in the military before being shipped off to war.
MARY
NORAD. I remember that site well.
JANIE
Mommy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?
MARY
Well…I can’t tell you baby.
Mary hands the tablet back to Ruthie.
PETER
Mar, can I speak to you for a second? Please?
MARY
Be good at school today little ladies.
Mary kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.
JANIE
When will we see you again?
MARY
Soon baby.
RUTHIE
Promise?
MARY
I promise.
Mary closes the SUV sliding door as if she’s closing the door to her heart. She meanders to the front of the vehicle where Peter is waiting.
PETER
Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.
Mary nonchalantly glances at her pocket.
MARY
I can’t commit to anything right now.
PETER
Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.
Peter stops and stares at Mary wondering if she’s slipped back into a deep depression. We hear what he’s thinking…
PETER (V.O.)
I’ve known this gal since I was 14. I always know when something is up with her. I will find out.
Peter remembers what he’s doing…
PETER
We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.
Peter starts to walk away, then turns back around.
PETER (CONTINUED)
(In pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?
MARY
I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!
They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.
PETER
Okay wise gal.
Peter hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the vehicle and as he drives away…
PETER (CONT’D)
(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!
Mary standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech behind her! Mary jumps and turns around.
ERNIE
(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Mary! Get out of the street!
MARY
Sorry, Ernie!
Mary crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly. Mary takes the letter out of her pocket and looks at it once more.
MARY
(to herself)
NORAD. Santa. Hmm.
Mary stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House as she puts the letter back in her pocket.
MARY
(to herself)
I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.
Mary trots off down the street with a renewed pep.
FADE OUT
-
Hey Lisa!
Here are my notes!
_______
FADE UP
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN is passed out and just dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN dressed like an angel in a white robe, like Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.
[NOTE: The first thing to note is that this reads like the opening of a short story, not a screenplay. “It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast.” While all of this does set up a mental image, screenwriting is almost like poetry in that you have so little space to make an impact. When you pick up a book, you expect there to be more words than white space. Screenplays and poems are the opposite; you expect more white space in a script than words on a page. This means you have deliver not only the visuals but the emotions of the moment in about half the words you’d ordinarily use, and apply pacing. A good strategy is that whenever there’s a new shot in your head, start a new line of description…
RAIN lashes the pavement.
CRASH! Lightning SPLITS the sky in two, illuminating…
Biblical RAPIDS tearing underneath the BRIDGE.
It takes up a lot more space than a block of text, but it’s more authentic to the pacing of the film and fires the emotion of the scene into the reader’s brain in an instant. Another note is to not sacrifice the emotion of your writing with notes for a cinematographer. Start a new line and take us directly to Mary without any camera directions or references to a fourth wall. The cinematographer and director may agree with you on your original shot, but your goal is to deliver emotion, not instructions. Other than that, this opening delivers a powerful setting to start your film. We’re immediately on the edge of our seats. Just cut the text down to the raw emotions and visuals, and this opening will soar.]
WOMAN
They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save me.
[NOTE: That first sentence is such a cliché that it almost turns me off to the rest of the line, which by the way is great. After the clichéd opening sentence, we know there’s more at stake than just these two people, the two people’s connection to each other, and the irony. It’s so close to being a great first line. It just needs to be tightened up and lose the cliché.]
She looks down at the MAN.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?
Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it in her pocket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
[NOTE: Subtle. I love it. She’s obviously talking to her child, or at the very least someone very close to her. While the subtext is great on its own, it brings the family right into the present situation. This is exactly what efficient writing looks like.]
The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her pants. The rope jerks! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
Well, this is what I am. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!
The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I’m hanging around trying to convince myself that it really is a wonderful li…
Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera.
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!!
FADE OUT
[NOTE: I’m assuming this is where your first page ends. All in all, this is a solid opener. Some of the dialogue was…I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you swapped the roles between Peter and Mary. This new version of Mary says things that tell me she’s a little off her rocker. She’s completely overwhelmed, and the thunderstorm reflects the tempest going on inside her mind. Just like how she can’t see through the rain, she can’t see through her own emotions and how her actions are affecting her family. I think I picked up on more the further I read, and when I went back and analyzed the scene, it became much clearer on what was going on with Mary. It’s a great opener.]
_______
ON THE TWIST…
There are some nice twists here, between Mary and Peter surviving the fall, their splitting, Mary’s introduction, Peter and the kids running into Mary. The snowmobile shop being threatened doesn’t carry a lot of weight because we don’t see it or Mary manning it prior. Doesn’t mean we have to see it, but if you wanted to make that moment stronger, you could include a line or two where she’s looking forward to seeing her kids after being away for so long, she’s looking forward to rekindling the relationships she lost, and then the news of the snowmobile shop hits and has her reconsider. Otherwise, the hits really do just keep hitting, and we miss out on the polarity shifting between positive to negative.
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
Same notes as above. I’m assuming the snowmobile shop being threatened is the inciting incident. I think it just needs to hit a little harder. As it’s written right now, the reveal of the snowmobile shop feels too soft to notice its impact. How does the snowmobile shop and Mary’s earnings impact the way she relates to and interacts with her family? There’s gotta be a connection there or Mary just meanders, uncommitted to her family in any visceral sense.
ON THE OTHER NINE PAGES…
I’m curious as to why you decided to switch roles for Peter and Mary. The decision did leave a handful of typos – places where you have Peter listed when you meant Mary, or referring to Mary as “Sir” or “He” – which did leave to some confusion.
The voiceover is a nice touch. There’s a couple moments of where she parrots the description instead of giving us a glimpse into her character and beliefs, such as when she reads the sign “You are entering Bedford Falls” for the audience. You’ve shown earlier in the script that you can excel at efficient writing. Don’t repeat information we’ve already received. Give us new information or at least affirm information we’ve previously learned from a new light or angle.
The writing could be tighter. Like what I described above, there are opportunities to delete a description and cut to a line of dialogue instead. For example, instead of…
“RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs.”
…You could have…
RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”…
RUTHIE & JANIE
I want a pretty platypus for Christmas!
…It’s a minor change that says the same thing as before, but it keeps the pacing fast and keeps us focused on the characters, not on the description.
Hearing Peter’s thoughts is jarring. It feels like something from a novel or a detective story, not a Christmas Drama.
I think when the writing gets tighter this script will read much faster. It may not fit everything you’ve included here in the ten page requirement, but giving us a clear setup for Mary to kidnap Santa is perfect for the page ten mark.
_______
I tried to not overwhelm you with too many notes. I’m sorry if this is a lot. There’s a lot of great stuff here. I think if you make the writing tighter and set up those twists for a stronger emotional shift, you’ll have an amazing first ten pages.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Hi Cam,
Your feedback helps me tremendously. I get what you are saying. I re-wrote the opening scene. I’ll see if I can’t add some more descriptive wording, but here is the new 1st page after reading your critique. Much tighter, but I’ll work on it some more! Thank you so much!! Lisa
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
CLANG! Lightening cracks!
Two soaked figures tied together are hanging by a rope off the bridge.
WOMAN
(Dressed like an angel)
I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save ME.
She looks down at the MAN.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?
Woman’s cell phone rings. She answers as though nothing is wrong.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
Stuffing the phone back into her pants the rope jerks! She looks up but can’t see through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
Well, this is what I am.
She leans back letting the rain hit her.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I’m a mother in America!
I’m trying to convince myself and everyone else that it really is a wonderful li…
SNAP! The woman and man fall out of view.
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!!
-
-
really bold move Lisa!
I am not going to do the line by line but give overall remarks.. I hope that will be helpful .
(GENERAL: I am not sure why knowing Santa is real is a blackmailable issue?
(probably revealed later.)
The opening image and lines are spectacular and certainly gets our attention !
however with the rewrite I think this is a bit confusing = who is saving who? easy to fix think.
……
It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN is passed out and just dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN dressed like an angel in a white robe, like Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.
WOMAN
They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save me.
She looks down at the MAN.
…….
I love the opening VO and all the allusions to the old movie being the raison d’etre of this town!
feels like you are setting her up as one expected kind of woman and then the twist comes..!
…..
There are my beautiful daughters. This is where I leave you…because I don’t live here anymore.
…..
I like that you leave us wondering why she isnt with her kids…
so Mary had the kids then and a military career that made her a war hero – in how many years?
(I am getting bogged down in the timeline..)
do you say Sir to a female war hero? Hmm..
change here?
………Peter has slammed on the brakes of the SUV.
INT-SUV-DAY
PETER
(jolting forward) Jesus!
JANIE
Dad!
PETER
Are you alright?
……
Great Line
”Mary closes the SUV sliding door as if she’s closing the door to her heart’
this opening sets up a lot of questions
We dont know what to make of Mary and want to know.
I feel like the relationship between Peter and Mary us going to be core to how the story is satisfying at the end, it is setup – it goes waaay back.
………I’ve known this gal since I was 14.
………
It has come so far for its early seed idea – and is now truly interesting to me.
Looking forward to the rest!
-
Hi Kate,
I appreciate your critique! I was trying to make it more provocative by switching the leads. Let’s see if I can make it work. As you point out, I definitely need to clean up the timeline. I will use your comments to rework my set ups.
Thank you so much!
Lisa
-
-
Lisa
Would you like to exchange critiques? I posted my 10 pages yesterday. I’ve been struggling with my opening, and would appreciate your comments.
Thanks,
Dana
-
Hi Dana,
I’ve been away, so I just saw this. Yes! I will critique yours as soon as possible. My VERSION TWO is posted.
Thanks, Lisa
-
Hi Dana,
I posted my feedback for you. My VERSION TWO is around 31 on the scroll bar.
Thank you, Lisa
-
-
-
*VERSION TWO*
Lisa’s Ready for Critique!
ALL CRITIQUES WELCOME!
DAY6 – Making Your First Ten Pages Great
NOTE: I have made a major reversal to my story. I switched the main characters of Mary and Peter. Mary is now the war hero who suffers from PTSD and kidnaps Santa Claus. Peter is taking care of the children.
Synopsis:
Peter saves his wife Mary from the George Bailey bridge. Later, we find out that Peter is a volunteer firefighter and he separated from Mary after the bridge incident. V.O. is used to explain how Seneca Falls, NY was the inspiration for Bedford Falls in the classic movie, It’s a Wonderful Life (IAWL). Mary gave up her dream of traveling the world to stay in Seneca Falls and raise a family when she found herself pregnant right out of high school.
Now she struggles with the separation from her family and soon the loss of her snowmobile business. It hasn’t snowed in 3 years. Mary receives a letter from the bank that her business will be repossessed on Christmas Day if she doesn’t come up with the money owed. The character of Ma Jenkins in the following reflects Mary’s good traits.
Shortly after these scenes, Mary gets the idea to kidnap Santa Claus after seeing her daughters on the NORAD site. Mary was stationed at NORAD for a time while in the military prior to being shipped off to war where she became a hero. She knows that Santa is real and will use that knowledge to blackmail Santa with worldwide exposure if he doesn’t help her steal presents which she will fence to get money to pay her mortgage off. Peter is the only other one in Seneca Falls that knows Santa is real.
Near the end, Peter dressed as Santa thwarts Mary’s plans. Santa makes it snow. A la IAWL, the town gives Mary the money from the festival to pay off what she owes and save her shop. Mary and Peter reconcile.
========================================
FADE UP
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
CLANG! Lightening cracks!
Two soaked figures tied together are hanging by a rope off the bridge.
WOMAN
(Dressed like an angel)
I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save ME.
She looks down at the MAN.
(NOTE: I like the woman dressed like an angel as she is a savior for their family and for Peter)
WOMAN (CONT’D)
But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?
Woman’s cell phone rings. She answers as though nothing is wrong.
(Nice touch, “as though nothing is wrong”)
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
Stuffing the phone back into her pants the rope jerks! She looks up but can’t see through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
Well, this is what I am.
She leans back letting the rain hit her.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I’m a mother in America!
I’m trying to convince myself and everyone else that it really is a wonderful li…
SNAP! The woman and man fall out of view.
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!!
FADE OUT
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY-CONTINUOUS
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…
We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.
MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS
THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM
There are people walking around town and going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS
THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…
You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.
(NOTE: thin down this exposition above. Show thru Mary’s actions that the town living in the fame of a mythological town is tiring and/or taxing. Say something like “Stifling, when you face HOA’s (Home Owner’s Association) edicts on a city-wide level. Grousing to a friend, she says: “Innovative architecture, no; progressive redistricting, no. Status quo, naturally.”
Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. But I couldn’t do it. So, my poor Peter has taken over running the show this year.
THE FRONT OF THE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM
THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
Oh no. There it is. Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 3 years ago, my husband Peter saved me from death at that bridge. We separated shortly after that event. The George Bailey bridge sits in the middle of town and haunts us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…
CUT TO
STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
This is the street where I lived. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.
MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
The one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.
EXT- MARY’S HOUSE-DAY
Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.
MARY (V.O. CONT’D)
After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later. There are my beautiful daughters. This is where I leave you…because I don’t live here anymore.
(NOTE: Three weeks before graduation, I had two large suitcases in the closet, several maps of Europe and a cheat-sheet with currency and exchange rates. The next week I find myself sitting on the toilet waiting for the pregnancy wand to determine my fate. Minute later, travel plans were forever altered. Vacillating, Peter and I agreed that a baby was for us.)
CUT TO
INT- PETER’S HOUSE-FOYER
Peter’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set.
INT-PETER’S KITCHEN-DAY
Peter carefully pulls a pan of Christmas cookies out of the oven. Then looks around to find a clear spot to put them. Every surface is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies. He plops them on top of another pan to cool. Peter goes to the front screen door. He yells outside.
PETER
Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!
Peter clears some of the clutter on the table. He grabs a couple of hot waffles out of the toaster and slaps some ice cream on top each of them. Peter stops and looks at his mother-in-law’s photo on the wall. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her tablet under her arm.
(NOTE: I would go with Cam’s thoughts on tightening the introduction of Ruthie and Janie. He is really good! I read though several of his critiques and was quite impressed.)
PETER
That is not how the song goes.
RUTHIE
Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!
JANIE
Yeah!
Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.
PETER
Okay, if you day so.
The girls take their seats and Peter places their breakfasts of waffles and ice cream on the table. After all, it’s hot outside. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats his dog food.
PETER (CONT’D)
No tablets at the table, Ruthie.
RUTHIE
I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.
PETER
I’ll take a look at it. You eat.
Peter sits and looks at the tablet. He sees Ruthie is on the NORAD site. Peter sees a message on the top of the site that states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23<sup>rd</sup> of December”.
PETER (CONT’D)
It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.
RUTHIE
Can mommy fix it?
PETER
Mommy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. That reminds me. (Looking at his phone) I need to call your mother to see if she’s coming over for Christmas.
Peter puts his phone down and gets serious.
PETER (CONT’D)
Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your mom for Christmas.
RUTHIE
What do you mean?
JANIE
She’s coming, isn’t she?
PETER
Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. She’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.
Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.
PETER (CONT’D)
BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Josephine!
RUTHIE
Sure.
JANIE
It’s not the same without mommy.
They sit in silence. Peter’s not sure what to say next. He gets a wet cloth and wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.
PETER
You like Jo, don’t you?
RUTHIE
She’s nice.
Janie shakes her head yes. Ruthie pulls away as Peter tries to wipe her face too.
PETER
Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?
The girls look at the photo of their grandma on the wall.
PETER (CONT’D)
She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”
Peter clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Peter looks at their sad faces.
PETER
Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school!
Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Peter.
PETER (CONT’D)
You too, Uncle Billy!
Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.
CUT TO
INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING
MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest.
Enter MARY WINTERS, a 5’6’, 37-year-old, who is shaped like a Christmas tree and the woman Peter saved from drowning years prior. She is Peter’s brooding wife who is also a war veteran. She wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…
MA
Skip! Stand up.
SKIPPER
Why?
MA
(Hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.
MARY
Good morning.
MA
Skip.
SKIPPER
Good morning.
MA
(scoldingly) Good morning, what?
SKIPPER
(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.
MARY
Please sit down.
Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”
Mary sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the cloudy window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.
MA
(to Skipper) You may sit now.
Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Mary. Ma places Mary’s breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of her. Then serves Skipper. Mary pushes the eggs around…she really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but she does it to show respect for Ma.
MARY
Good as always, Ma
MA
Glad you like it. You have work today?
MARY
I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to help him with his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her plants. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.
MA
Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!
MARY
Thanks, Ma.
MA
Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.
Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Mary. Mary stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.
SKIPPER
Well, aren’t ya going to open it?
MARY
I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.
MA
You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.
Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper rolls his eyes, but slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands.
Feeling embarrassed about the pink envelope, Mary stuffs the envelope in her pants pocket. Ma hands her a thermos with a long strap and she throws it over her arm. Mary busses her place taking her dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back screen door.
SKIPPER
(Looking out the back door) Why’s she always in such a hurry?
MA
She’s a busy woman, helping out people every day in this town.
Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Mary slowly going down the walk reading her letter.
MA (CONT’D)
I sure hope she can get her shop working again. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave woman who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious mother, a friend to all. Don’t matter that she’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.
Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.
MA (CONT’D)
She is loved.
Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.
MA (CONTINUED)
Now get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and scurries back to the kitchen when there’s a knock on the back door screen.
Ma opens the screen door. Skipper hangs out the door to see who’s there.
A disheveled and dirty HOBO is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness.
(NOTE: I would show, not tell. Take the passage above and show us: EX: Skipper frowns, mutters: “Doesn’t matter where they come from, when they hop off the train, they look and smell alike.” )
HOBO
Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.
MA
No one is turned away here. (hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.
(to Skipper)
What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper runs up the front stairs, refrains from slamming his bedroom door.
(NOTE: by adding this we avoid any stereotyping about homeless and minorities, also follows up on skipper’s assessment by showing, not telling. “The transient stands at the garden hose and washes up. Beneath the grime, the wood smoke and grit, we SEE a freckled hand. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.”
MA (CONT’D)
Come on in and sit down now.
HOBO
Ma’am, I can’t pay.
MA
No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!
Ma gives a heartfelt laugh.
CUT TO
EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY
Ma’s old Victorian Boarding House is set way back from the street. Mary is on Ma’s front walk. She rips open the pink envelope and pulls out the letter. Mary’s face falls and she tears up as she reads it.
CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER
The line that is highlighted (like in an old movie) is “Mrs. Winters you have until December 25<sup>th</sup> to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”
EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY
Mary is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. She steps off the curb and tires screech!
Peter has slammed on the brakes of the SUV.
INT-SUV-DAY
PETER
(jolting forward) Jesus!
JANIE
Dad!
PETER
Are you alright?
Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.
PETER
Stay in the car!
As Peter jumps out of the SUV…
JANIE AND RUTHIE
(yelling and waving through the windshield) Mom! Hi Mommy! We miss you! I love you, mommy!
PETER
Jiminy Christmas, Mary! I almost ran over you!
MARY
(stunned) Oh. Wow.
Seeing her daughters in the SUV, Mary waves at them.
PETER
What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?
MARY
Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.
Peter notices the letter in her hand.
PETER
Is that the bad news?
Peter tries to snatch it. Mary stuffs it in her pocket.
MARY
Never you mind.
PETER
What is it?
MARY
You never seem to get it. (in his face) We’re separated.
Mary walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.
PETER
(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!
Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their mom’s arms.
JANIE
Hi Mommy!
RUTHIE
Mommy! How are you?
Mary tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in her eyes, also because of the bad news she just got. Peter paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Mary.
MARY
I miss you little ladies.
RUTHIE
We miss you too.
Mary sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.
MARY
What are you doing?
RUTHIE
We’re waiting for Santa to fly.
Mary takes the tablet and stares at the main page of the NORAD site where Santa’s journey around the world is tracked every year. She recognizes the site because she worked at NORAD when she was in the military before being shipped off to war.
MARY
NORAD. I remember that site well.
JANIE
Mommy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?
MARY
Well…I can’t tell you baby.
Mary hands the tablet back to Ruthie.
PETER
Mar, can I speak to you for a second? Please?
MARY
Be good at school today little ladies.
Mary kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.
JANIE
When will we see you again?
MARY
Soon baby.
RUTHIE
Promise?
MARY
I promise.
Mary closes the SUV sliding door as if she’s closing the door to her heart. She meanders to the front of the vehicle where Peter is waiting.
PETER
Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.
Mary nonchalantly glances at her pocket.
MARY
I can’t commit to anything right now.
PETER
Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.
Peter stops and stares at Mary wondering if she’s slipped back into a deep depression. We hear what he’s thinking…
PETER (V.O.)
I’ve known this gal since I was 14. I always know when something is up with her. I will find out.
Peter remembers what he’s doing…
PETER
We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.
Peter starts to walk away, then turns back around.
PETER (CONTINUED)
(In pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?
MARY
I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!
They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.
PETER
Okay wise gal.
Peter hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the vehicle and as he drives away…
PETER (CONT’D)
(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!
Mary standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech behind her! Mary jumps and turns around.
ERNIE
(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Mary! Get out of the street!
MARY
Sorry, Ernie!
Mary crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly. Mary takes the letter out of her pocket and looks at it once more.
MARY
(to herself)
NORAD. Santa. Hmm.
Mary stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House as she puts the letter back in her pocket.
MARY
(to herself)
I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.
Mary trots off down the street with a renewed pep.
(Final thoughts: I really like the fact you changed up the ‘roles.’ The woman is the war hero! It avoids any possible clichés as they live in a town that is a living cliché. As I wrote in the first round of notes, I would make Ma Jenkin’s your sleeper. You have two women who have faced adversity, prejudice in one form or the other: a Black woman and a woman with PTSD, who are heroes in their own right. They have conformed to the town, to its limits, and at the same time, they MUST BE instrumental in the salvation of the town in some way.
It is not the main story line by any means, but it can prove to be a valuable sub-plot. Just my two-cent’s worth.)
-
Hi Michael,
I’m happy to see I’m not the only one writing a Christmas tale.
I thank you for your feedback. I will consider all of your suggestions. I’m glad you approve of my changing up the roles! I have a lot of work to do…
Regards, Lisa
-
-
-
Lisa, I just posted mine first ten pages. Want to critique one another’s submission?
-
Hi Michael,
Yes, please! I’ll get to it as soon as I can. My VERSION TWO is posted.
Thanks, Lisa
-
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
Kate Ready For Critique
THERE IS A VERSION #2 SOMEWHERE…
OKAY!!~ ready to exchange with you!
Synopsis of the story.
Nia has been searching for her Father for 15 years and finds him by chance in a small rural town, the last on the theatre tour she is on. The community, led by Hispanic ‘Mayor’ Luciana, is waging an escalating battle for their land and life-style against the developer in the midst – Darrogh, who is Nia’s father. Darrogh and Luciana, with a bitter past, are stunned to see Nia, recognizing her as the image of her Mother.
Nia discovers he is not the father she had idealized, and also learns the truth of her Mothers’ death from Luciana who was her Mother’s best friend before Darrogh ended their friendship. Nia is torn between believing her father can be a good man and wanting to help the community save the land from his landfill development. A sting plan is hatched to con Darrogh out of his development plans.
The final ‘telling’ takes place on stage when the troupe perform a special play revealing he has been tricked, and Nia confronts her Father with what she knows. She gives him one last chance to own his as actions and when he can’t, she leaves free and clear on the bus, out into the world, knowing the truth. Darrogh, having lost everything but most of all a chance at love, commits suicide on the steps of his giant, empty mansion.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – THAT SAME EVENING
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
Seven young people(20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I’m OK. I’m Good.
Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a little, quietly. No fuss.
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
SHAUNN
Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
SHAUNN
That all? Seems like many more.
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Nia gives him the finger.
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
She takes the water and tips it up.
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
LUCIANA
Y ese sombrero malvado.
(reacts to the other person)
Si, it is an evil hat! Si, estoy haciendo tortillas.
She laughs.
LUCIANA
Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.
She is scooping the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.
LUCIANA
No para ti – vete!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh, your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – CONTINUED
Nia is feeling better, standing, taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.
NIA
This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.
SHAUNN
Yep! In 3 months on the road bringing live theatre to rural communities-
Nia digs him in the ribs.
NIA
Shaunn! You sound like a commercial.
SHAUNN
I wrote it, remember? And I still can’t believe it! Making a living doing something I love, seeing places I didn’t know existed. Amazing summer.
NIA
(wistfully)
And it’s not over – yet. There’s still time…
Shaunn looks at her. He knows what she’s thinking. (She has been half-hoping maybe one of these places will be where her long absent father is.)
SHAUNN
(gently)
Yeah. You never know who’ll come around the corner.
Nia shakes off the mood and smiles brightly.
NIA
Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!
SHAUNN
You and those feelings!
NIA
Seriously – this last town? Gonna’
be spectacular!
She grins and hands back the water bottle. There are shouts from the rest of the troupe who are setting up camp.
NIA
Come on – set up camp time.
INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn. (Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)
Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)
A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.
NIA
It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.
SARAH
The old couple over there.
MICHAEL
And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!
SHAUNN
And we’ll never-ever leave!
AT THE BAR
IAN
Where are they staying?
DAVE
Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.
IAN
A shame her Grandpa lost that.
DAVE
He was cheated out of it.
IAN
Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.
LUIS
I’d love to get it back.
IAN
Who wouldn’t?
LUIS
Take a miracle.
SUSAN
Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!
AT THE OTHER TABLE
SYLVIE
I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.
HAROLD
Is it one of those Shakespeare things?
SYLVIE
Yes, and you‘ll like it.
HAROLD
I never understand them.
FRANCIS
What one are they doing?
HAROLD
Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.
FRANCIS
That’s them over there. We can go ask.
SYLVIE
Oh yes. Come on.
She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.
AT THE OTHER TABLE
MERCEDES
Here they come!
As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.
SYLVIE
Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.
The ‘standers’ all shake hands.
Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.
MERCEDES
I’m Mercedes.
Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.
SARAH
Sarah!
Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table to shake with whomever will take her hand.
NIA
Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.
SYLVIE
Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.
TIM
Please, take a seat.
Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.
Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.
FRANCIS
Ready for the play?
SHAUNN
Absolutely!
HAROLD
Shakespeare, right? What play is it?
SARAH
Much Ado About Nothing’.
HAROLD
That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.
Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.
SUSAN
Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.
Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.
DAVE
Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?
Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.
DAVE
Do you have a permit?
SARAH
We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.
The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.
FRANCIS
Luciana!
He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.
Hades sits on it.
Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.
LUCIANA
Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!
Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.
LUCIANA
(muttering)
Santa Madre de Dios!
Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.
DAVE
Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?
Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.
LUCIANA
Green field?
MERCEDES
The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.
NIA
And do the show.
Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.
LUCIANA
I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.
SYLVIE
All?
LUCIANA
The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?
NIA
Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.
LUCIANA
Tu hablas español?
NIA
Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.
LUCIANA
That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.
FRANCIS
Then look out!
Luciana claps her hands.
LUCIANA
A round on the town to welcome our guests.
Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.
Francis pulls Luciana aside.
FRANCIS
You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.
LUCIANA
That’s why I said yes.
FRANCIS
Why did they ask you?
Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.
FRANCIS
That fake website?
LUCIANA
A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.
Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.
Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.
SYLVIE
What’s she done now?
FRANCIS
A small win in her endless battle for the farm.
SYLVIE
And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.
FRANCIS
Not yet anyway.
A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.
CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.
CONTINUOUS –
Luciana has pushed her way to a far corner table, Hades at her heels, and is pulling Nia to sit with her at one of the two chairs, successfully blocking anyone else from joining them.
Nia is excited and happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.
LUCIANA
Salud!
NIA
Salud!
Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.
LUCIANA
Is this your first time here, Nia?
NIA
Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?
LUCIANA
Most of my life, si. Where are you from?
NIA
East coast.
LUCIANA
You are very beautiful.
NIA
Oh, um. Thank you. You too.
LUCIANA
It is not always a good thing, is it?
NIA
It can be – challenging.
Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.
LUCIANA
I hate it!
Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.
NIA
Me too!
Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.
LUCIANA
He likes you. Do you have a dog at home?
NIA
No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.
LUCIANA
Cuando eras una niña?
NIA
My Spanish..
LUCIANA
When you were little. A child.
Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere.
Hades nuzzles Nia’s lap asking her to rub his head.
NIA
May I?
LUCIANA
(nods)
I think you are stealing my dog.
Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.
LUCIANA
Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?
NIA
I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.
LUCIANA
Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.
Nia is jolted.
NIA
They sometimes have hair…
LUCIANA
Yes.
Nia suddenly remembers that her mother had such a dog.
NIA
There was a dog… My mother.
LUCIANA
He was a gift to her?
Nia is a surprised and a bit uncomfortable.
NIA
Tell me about this town.
Luciana takes the hint.
LUCIANA
It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.
NIA
Who?
LUCIANA
A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.
Hades licks Luciana’s hand.
NIA
He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.
LUCIANA
He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely.
Nia smiles.
NIA
Maybe I’ll borrow him one day.
Nia is looking pensive.
LUCIANA
Come, we need a margarita.
NIA
I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?
Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.
LUCIANA
It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.
Nia laughs and relaxes.
NIA
I want to meet her! Come on! Let’s make my eyes water.
Nia stands shaking off the weird feelings she has.
LUCIANA
Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.
Nia suddenly hugs her.
NIA
I think we’ll be friends. I’ll push my way to the bar. See you there.
She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades now standing on the chair Nia just left.
LUCIANA
La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.
EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING
A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.
EXT. THE FIELD, the stage – (SATURDAY) EVENING.
The play ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is under way, a rapt audience. On stage an early scene is playing.
DON JON
Come, Home, let us thither. This may prove food to my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow. If I can cross him any will assist me?
BORACHIO
To the death, my lord.
A car drives up, lights on lo-beam, carefully not alerting the large crowd, and parks to the rear of the audience. Darrogh gets out and walks silently toward back of the audience as the play continues.
DON JOHN
Let us to the great supper. Their cheer is the greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were o’my mind! Shall we go prove what’s to be done?
BORACHIO
I’ll wait upon your Lordship.
They exit.
Enter Leonato, his brother, Hero his daughter (played by Nia), and Beatrice his niece, and Margaret.
LEONATO
Was not Count John here at supper?
BEATRICE
I saw him not. I never
can see him but I am heartburned an hour after.
HERO
He is of a very melancholy disposition.
At her words, Darrogh is startled and stares at her transfixed.
BEATRICE
He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick. The one is too like an image and says nothing, and the
other too like my lady’s eldest son, evermore tattling.
Nia (as Hero), moves across the stage to ‘Beatrice’ and they laugh together. Darrogh cannot take his eyes off her and through the following he is transported back.
LEONATO
Then half Signior Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth, and half Count John’s melancholy in Signior Benedick’s face—
As the actors and voices fade, Darrogh is now fully out of this reality
FADE IN:
A MEMORY IMAGE.
Darrogh only sees his beautiful young wife, Amahla, from 25 years ago, laughing and coming toward him. She is clearly Nia’s mother.
FADE OUT:
EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – CONTINUOUS
Darrogh watches as the play continues.
LEONATO
(to Hero)
Well, I trust you will be ruled by your father.
Darrogh smiles, a sort of wonder and hope on his face.
BEATRICE
Yes, faith, it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say “Father, as it please you.” But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and say “Father, as it please me.”
Darrogh shakes his head and smiles more broadly.
FADE TO:
EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – LATER
The play is over and the cast stand on the stage taking their bows. As they step off the stage Bill comes to Nia with a note.
BILL
Miss? I was asked to give you this.
He hands her the note.
NIA
Oh! From -?
BILL
My boss. He wants to – show you his house. And offer some, support for the company. In gratitude for you being here. The directions are written there.
Bill slithers off and Nia unfolds the note.
(READING)
“Do me the honor of coming to lunch tomorrow. The big house on the hill on your way out of town – you can’t miss it. We will see you at noon.”
Shaun comes over.
SHAUNN
GREAT show! What’s that?
NIA
An invitation! Lunch at that huge bloody great house on the hill.
SHAUNN
Are you going?
NIA
Of course! Told you I had a feeling.
She grins at him mischievously.
NIA
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll have my phone and it’s probably a couple of old people who want to support the arts. And I bet I can run faster than they can. Come on – let’s go celebrate and hey? Secret right? I don’t want to listen to Sarah go on about ‘why wasn’t she asked’!
They run off to join the crowd.
INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE – NEXT DAY, 12.30
Nia is in awe of his beautiful place and Darrogh is proud to show her around. They are finishing the ‘tour’ and have arrived in the living room.
DARROGH
You can see I’ve put a lot of effort into this place. Not just the money, but every detail thought through and meticulously executed.
NIA
It is perfect! It’s like the best set I’ve ever been on.
DARROGH
Set?
NIA
Yes! The set designer and director choose what to put where. It’s all carefully laid out, the entrances and exits. Details of furniture, props, what colors.
DARROGH
And all that because?
NIA
So the audience knows where they are, who the characters are by their surroundings, and what it means.
DARROGH
Interesting. What do you see when you see my ‘set’?
NIA
I see a man with eclectic taste, who likes to have things. He can afford them so he has them.
DARROGH
They’re beautiful things, right? And very valuable, no rubbish here.
NIA
You have a good eye.
DARGOGH
I’m forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?
NIA
Oh no. I should be getting back to camp. But thank you. This was a lovely tour. I really appreciate it.
DARROGH
I wanted you to see it. I… Please, just a glass of wine.
He is oddly vulnerable and Nia responds to that.
NIA
Well, thank you. That’d be lovely. I don’t think anyone will really miss me. Although Sarah was a bit jealous she didn’t get to come.
As he speaks, Darrogh takes a fine red out of the cabinet, two cut crystal wine glasses, expertly removes the cork and pours.
DARROGH
I’m sure she was. Everyone wants to see this house. I don’t ask many people. This is one of my best reds. You’ll appreciate it. Here.
He hands her one of the glasses.
Nia is a bit taken aback. She’s not a red drinker and wasn’t asked but she is a good guest.
NIA
Oh! Thank you.
DARROGH
To your visit here! May it be all that you hope it will be.
Darrogh takes a sip and regards her carefully as she takes one. Nia makes the appropriate ‘yummy’ face. She is after all an actress.
NIA
A nice – finish. Do you mean my visit to this community or to this house?
DARROGH
(dismissively of the town)
Oh, my house – of course.
NIA
Hmm. I didn’t really have any ‘hopes’ coming here. Why me? I don’t get that usual ‘older guy’ vibe from you.
DARROGH
(amused)
‘Older guy vibe’?
NIA
You know, coming on to younger – much younger – women. I could be your daughter!
Darrogh is taken aback. He’s not used to this age group’s directness. And it is right on the nose.
NIA
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that I’ve had to learn to read that. Being in the ‘show biz’ world (a bit) and being, looking, how I do. There’s plenty of creeps out there.
Darrogh recovers.
DARROGH
I am sure there are and yes. Looking like you do. And that’s why I invited you.
Nia steps back. She is suddenly very uncomfortable. Has she misread this man after all?
DARROGH
I am sure you’re looking for the exits on this set! But don’t worry. Sit, please. And I’ll tell you why I invited you. You read the ‘vibe’ right.
Nia hesitates and then sits, pointedly, at the far end of the sofa near a door/exit.
NIA
By the exit.
DARROGH
Yes.
Darrogh takes another sip. Nia sits very still and watches him.
NIA
Are you going to sit?
DARROGH
No – I’ll stand over here – by my exit.
He is closer to the other doorway into the room.
Nia grins.
NIA
Sounds fair.
There is a pause.
NIA
Your cue.
DARROGH
Cue?
NIA
Yes. After my line then it’s your turn.
DARROGH
Ah, yes. I don’t know where to start.
NIA
‘Looking like I do’… Why you invited me?
Darrogh takes a breath and plunges in, with poise however.
DARROGH
I have a beautiful house with beautiful things in it. But it’s empty. The most beautiful, precious thing I ever had isn’t here. You remind me.
NIA
I don’t know ….
She is staring at him now. Some memory stirring.
DARROGH
I’m Darrogh – Ian – McGrath. You are my daughter.
Nia gasps. Spills her wine. Catches the glass.
Darrogh moves quickly to help her. Sits beside her.
DARROGH
It was such a shock to see you. You’re just like – her.
He touches her hair gently, paternally, longingly.
DARROGH
Your hair, the shape of your face, that tilt to the chin. I couldn’t believe it when you laughed on stage last night.
NIA
You’re my father? My Dad? Oh, my Dad.
She starts to cry. Darrogh holds her awkwardly until she gathers herself.
Nia sits back and looks at him with joyful wonder.
Then with a real laugh.
NIA
Where the fuck have you been? And you changed your name!
DARROGH
Hiding, I guess. Just the first name and it’s the only one I let people use. But I missed you every day. I just couldn’t…
NIA
I know. After Mom died. Nanna told me. I want to know all about you – your life, what you’ve been doing. Nanna and Grandpa said you were doing wonderful things in the world, really hard work and lots of traveling.
DARROGH
It did. I was. But I sent money. I made sure you had everything you needed.
NIA
Yes. Yes, you did and now I have you!
She hugs him tightly. That’s what she really wanted always.
Darrogh hugs her back and then sets her away from him so he can see her.
DARROGH
This house needs you. You belong here. I built the set but it was waiting for the actress.
NIA
You knew I was an actress?
DARROGH
I knew you went to drama school. I didn’t know where you were. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to appear on some tiny wooden stage in a field right where I live!
NIA
That must have been huge!!
DARROGH
I thought I’d seen a ghost.
NIA
Not a ghost. Me. Nia. Amahla’s daughter.
DARROGH
My daughter. And now, you can move into my home, with me.
Nia is delighted. This is a dream come true.
NIA
Nothing I want more! I’ll go back to the Camp, stay one more night, say goodbye and be back tomorrow.
DARROGH
Don’t let me down, Nia. Your Mother
-. I can’t go through that again.
NIA
Don’t worry, Dad! I’m as healthy as they come. I won’t get sick, I promise.
Darrogh grabs her hand.
DARROGH
Stay with me.
NIA
Of course. Of course. You’re my Dad. We have a lot to catch up on and stories to tell.
She hugs him again, her head buried in his chest. Darrogh looks over her head, something hard, and almost triumphant in his face, even as he holds her tenderly.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
-
Critique for Kate Hawkes
From Lisa Long
Line by Line on the First Page
(I just wrote what I felt or interpreted for each line)
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – THAT SAME EVENING
(NOTE: “THAT SAME EVENING” – Is this correct? Isn’t this the first scene?)
A brightly painted red, white, and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
Line 1: Nice touch with the red, white, and blue paint
Seven young people(20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Line 2: Paints a picture of the group as a whole
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
Line 3: This description makes them seem like friends
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
Line 4: Is Shaunn also in his 20’s?
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
Line 5: Is he in charge? What is their relationship?
He stops and leans in.
Line 6: He cares.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
Line 7: He cares about her.
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand.
Line 8: Shaunn is very helpful.
A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23-year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Line 9: Unique description with the use of “elf” of a woman.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
Line 10: I wonder if the t-shirt actually says, “Mother-f” or does it say “Motherfucker”? Or is the “fucker” part covered by the cardigan. Interesting description of your character’s appearance!
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
Line 11: Great description. Paints a vivid picture.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Line 12: Funny!
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
Line 13: Ops! She’s ill.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
Line 14: He’s a nice guy.
NIA
Do I look alright?
Line 15: She’s really sick and cheeky.
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Line 16: He likes her.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
Line 17: Her point of view
NIA
Thank you. I’m OK. I’m Good.
Line 18: She’s not good.
Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a little, quietly. No fuss.
Line 19: Yuck!
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.
Line 20: Cute reply.
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
Line 21: Why is she so sick?
SHAUNN
Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?
Line 22: This happens all the time?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
Line 23: She gets motion sickness?
SHAUNN
That all? Seems like many more.
Line 24: How sick is she?
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
Line 25: Wow.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Line 26: It’s not fun.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
Line 27: Feeling better.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
Line 28: A sickly good actress.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Line 29: Funny!
Nia gives him the finger.
Line 30: Cheeky.
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Line 31: He really does care.
Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.
Line 32: Good point…recovers fast.
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?
Line 33: She knows what to do.
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
Line 34: He’s prepared.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
Line 35: What?! She hides the towel she threw up in…gross.
NIA
This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
Line 36: Reflects her illness onto Susan.
She takes the water and tips it up.
Line 37: We know it’s motion sickness now.
Overview of opening scene along with twist at the end
Opening scene is funny, pastural, and introduces Nia and Shaunn well. I think it is a Setup/Twist Opening.
From the Skill List: ‘… your lead character’s most unique traits and make sure they are in full blossom on that first page.’ The traits from Nia I noticed were cheeky, weak, flaky, resilient. The traits from Shaunn I noticed were caring, funny, kind.
There really isn’t a twist at the end of the first page other than finding out that Nia gets motion sickness. However, the descriptions of Nia and Shaunn and their dialogue set up the following scenes.
An Opinion on the value of the Inciting Incident
I interpret:
1. TWIST – Luciana recognizing Nia.
2. TWIST – Darrogh recognizing Nia.
3. INCITING INCIDENT – Nia agrees to move in with Darrogh.
It’s hard for me to believe that Nia just takes Darrogh’s word for it…even if she’s been looking for him. That realization seems fast to me. I would expect more shock from her.
Overview of the rest of the 10 pages
Your descriptions of characters are terrific. Luciana’s description – stand out is “a flamenco-inflected voice”. Love her black Mexican Hairless dog and his name! Use of Spanish is effective even though I don’t know what she was saying. (Do you have to add English translation for producers? I don’t know)
Don’t know why Nia would think she’s going to find her father while on tour?
–“She has been half-hoping maybe one of these places will be where her long absent father is.”
Why does Darrogh have a hat on at night?
–“…is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.”
In the saloon scene, I had a hard time following the staging directions, all the couples and chairs moving around. A bit cumbersome. However, the use of Hades in this scene is very effective!
I like your use of Hooks and Twists. I think the dialogue could be punched up a little bit with a few more loaded words and images (from the skill list).
Overall, you have a provocative story with interesting characters. And that’s just the first ten pages. Can’t wait to read it all!
-
Kate,
Overall, I think you’ve laid out your story wonderfully. That said, I think it needs some trimming but first the first page:
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – THAT SAME EVENING
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
RICH DESCRIPTION!
Seven young people(20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
CREATED A SENSE OF FUN AND WHIMSY.
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
SUGGEST NOT GIVING AWAY SHE DOESN’T FEEL WELL. “COME ON NIA, JUST GET UP AND GET OUT HERE”
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
GREAT LOOK TO HER, SAYS SO MUCH ABOUT HER. UNIQUE CHARACTER
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
LINE IS TOO ON THE NOSE. OTN. FEELS SARCASTIC? COULD SHE PLAY AGAINST HER SICKNESS?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I’m OK. I’m Good.
THIS DOESN’T TAKE HER TO ‘HER EXTREME’ FOR THE FIRST FIVE PAGES. HOW ABOUT IF SHE EXCLAIMS THAT SHE’S FANTASTIC, NEVER BETTER?
Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a little, quietly. No fuss.
AGAIN, MORE EXTREME AS IN PROJECTILE VOMITING. #2 BE PROVOCATIVE, TAKE TO AN EXTREME.
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly. NOW WHEN HE SAYS HE’S IMPRESSED – WELL SO AM I!
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
SHAUNN
Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
SHAUNN
That all? Seems like many more. I’D CUT “SEEMS LIKE MANY MORE.” HIS FIRST LINE IMPLIES HE KNOWS BETTER.
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Nia gives him the finger.
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast. IS THIS LAST LINE OF ACTION NEEDED? DO WE SEE HER RECOVERING PROWESS LATER?
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
She takes the water and tips it up.
THE ENDING IS HERE IS NOT A TWIST NOR DRIVES US INTO THE NEXT SCENE. IT NEEDS TO. REMEMBER IN FATAL ATTRACTION, BIG LOVE MAKING SCENE ENDING IN MURDER. EVEN IF NIA PROTESTS THAT SHE’S WELL THROUGH-OUT AND THEN PROJECTILE VOMITS.
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
LUCIANA
Y ese sombrero malvado.
(reacts to the other person) DON’T NEED THIS. IT’S OBVIOUS SHE’S REACTING.
Si, it is an evil hat! Si, estoy haciendo tortillas.
She laughs.
LUCIANA
Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.
She is scooping the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away. SHE ‘IS SCOOPING’ – GOOD TO GET RID OF WORDS THAT CAN BE GOTTEN RID OF! ‘SHE SCOOPS’ INSTEAD.
LUCIANA
No para ti – vete!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh, your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – CONTINUED
Nia is feeling better, standing, taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees. LOVELY DESCRIPTION
NIA
This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.
SHAUNN
Yep! In 3 months on the road bringing live theatre to rural communities-
Nia digs him in the ribs.
NIA
Shaunn! You sound like a commercial.
SHAUNN
I wrote it, remember? DON’T GET HIS FIRST LINE. DID HE REALLY WRITE A COMMERCIAL FOR THEM? And I still can’t believe it! Making a living doing something I love, seeing places I didn’t know existed. Amazing summer.
NIA
(wistfully) USUALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE ACTING DIRECTION UNLESS ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL.
And it’s not over – yet. There’s still time…
Shaunn looks at her. He knows what she’s thinking. (She has been half-hoping maybe one of these places will be where her long absent father is.) YOUR ACTION LINE WRITTEN IN () ISN’T NEEDED. WE SHOULD DISCOVER THIS NOT BE TOLD THIS. IF YOU CAN’T SHOW IT NOW, DON’T SAY IT.
SHAUNN
(gently)
Yeah. You never know who’ll come around the corner.
Nia shakes off the mood and smiles brightly.
NIA
Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!
SHAUNN
You and those feelings!
NIA
Seriously – this last town? Gonna’
be spectacular!
She grins and hands back the water bottle. There are shouts from the rest of the troupe who are setting up camp.
NIA
Come on – set up camp time.
INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn. (Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)
Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)
A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.
NIA
It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.
SARAH
The old couple over there.
MICHAEL
And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!
SHAUNN
And we’ll never-ever leave!
AT THE BAR
IAN
Where are they staying?
DAVE
Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.
IAN
A shame her Grandpa lost that.
DAVE
He was cheated out of it.
IAN
Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.
LUIS
I’d love to get it back.
IAN
Who wouldn’t?
LUIS
Take a miracle.
SUSAN
Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!
AT THE OTHER TABLE
SYLVIE
I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.
HAROLD
Is it one of those Shakespeare things?
SYLVIE
Yes, and you‘ll like it.
HAROLD
I never understand them.
FRANCIS
What one are they doing?
HAROLD
Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.
FRANCIS
That’s them over there. We can go ask.
SYLVIE
Oh yes. Come on.
She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.
AT THE OTHER TABLE
MERCEDES
Here they come!
As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.
SYLVIE
Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.
The ‘standers’ all shake hands.
Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.
MERCEDES
I’m Mercedes.
Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.
SARAH
Sarah!
Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table to shake with whomever will take her hand. I THINK YOU CAN HAVE MORE FUN WITH THIS DESCRIPTION WHILE SHOWING MORE CHARACTER FOR NIA. HOW ABOUT SHE SHAKES HANDS WITH EVERY SINGLE PERSON VERY DELIBERATELY AS SHE DOES BELOW DIALOUGE?
NIA
Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.
SYLVIE
Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.
TIM
Please, take a seat.
Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.
Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.
FRANCIS
Ready for the play?
SHAUNN
Absolutely!
HAROLD
Shakespeare, right? What play is it?
SARAH
Much Ado About Nothing’.
HAROLD
That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.
Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.
SUSAN
Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.
Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.
DAVE
Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?
Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.
DAVE
Do you have a permit?
SARAH
We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.
The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.
FRANCIS
Luciana!
He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.
Hades sits on it.
Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.
LUCIANA
Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!
Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.
LUCIANA
(muttering)
Santa Madre de Dios!
Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.
DAVE
Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?
Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.
LUCIANA
Green field?
MERCEDES
The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.
NIA
And do the show.
Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.
LUCIANA
I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.
SYLVIE
All?
LUCIANA
The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?
NIA
Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.
LUCIANA
Tu hablas español?
NIA
Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.
LUCIANA
That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.
FRANCIS
Then look out!
Luciana claps her hands.
LUCIANA
A round on the town to welcome our guests.
Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.
Francis pulls Luciana aside.
FRANCIS
You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.
LUCIANA
That’s why I said yes.
FRANCIS
Why did they ask you?
Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.
FRANCIS
That fake website?
LUCIANA
A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.
Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.
Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.
SYLVIE
What’s she done now?
FRANCIS
A small win in her endless battle for the farm.
SYLVIE
And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.
FRANCIS
Not yet anyway.
A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.
CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door. THIS COULD BE THE INCITING INCIDENT IF NIA SEES THIS AND IS IMMEDIATELY CURIOUS. TRIES TO FOLLOW HIM BUT HE’S GONE.
CONTINUOUS – THIS SEEMS A LONG TIME IN ONE SPOT – I SUGGEST LUCIANA NEEDS TO TAKE HADES OUT FOR A PEE, GRABS NIA TO GO WITH HER SO THEY CAN WALK, SEE SOME OF THE TOWN. IN ANY EVENT, LOCATION IS GETTING STATIC. PERHAPS AS THEY WALK – IF THEY DO – LUCIANA HAS BEERS TUCKED AWAY FOR THEM. THEY WALK AND DRINK.
Luciana has pushed her way to a far corner table, Hades at her heels, and is pulling (PULLS) Nia to sit with her at one of the two chairs, successfully blocking anyone else from joining them.
Nia is excited and happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.
LUCIANA
Salud!
NIA-{
Salud!
Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.
LUCIANA
Is this your first time here, Nia?
NIA
Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here? NIA COULD SAY THIS BECAUSE SHE IS OUTSIDE STANDING IN THE BEAUTY.
LUCIANA
Most of my life, si. Where are you from?
NIA
East coast.
LUCIANA
You are very beautiful.
NIA
Oh, um. Thank you. You too. NOW THAT THEY ARE OUTSIDE, LUCIANA’S ABOVE LINE COULD MAKE NIA VERY NERVOUS. SHE MIGHT THINK LUC TOOK HER OUTSIDE TO HIT ON HER. IT WOULD MISLEAD THE AUDIENCE AS WELL FOR A SHORT TIME. MAYBE TO THROW LUC OFF, NIA COULD ASK IF SHE SAW THE GUY TAKE A PHOTO AND THEN LEAVE. LUC DIDN’T SEE IT…. ONLY IF YOU USE THAT AS AN INCITING INCIDENT.
LUCIANA
It is not always a good thing, is it?
NIA
It can be – challenging.
Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.
LUCIANA
I hate it!
Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.
NIA
Me too!
Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.
LUCIANA
He likes you. Do you have a dog at home?
NIA
No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.
LUCIANA
Cuando eras una niña?
NIA
My Spanish..
LUCIANA
When you were little. A child.
Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere.
Hades nuzzles Nia’s lap asking her to rub his head.
NIA
May I?
LUCIANA
(nods)
I think you are stealing my dog.
Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.
LUCIANA
Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?
NIA
I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.
LUCIANA
Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.
Nia is jolted.
NIA
They sometimes have hair…
LUCIANA
Yes.
Nia suddenly remembers that her mother had such a dog.
NIA
There was a dog… My mother.
LUCIANA
He was a gift to her?
Nia is a surprised and a bit uncomfortable.
NIA
Tell me about this town.
Luciana takes the hint.
LUCIANA
It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.
NIA
Who?
LUCIANA
A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.
Hades licks Luciana’s hand. ALL THE MORE POWERFUL IF THEY ARE OUTSIDE, LOOKING AT THE BEAUTY OF THE PLACE.
NIA
He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.
LUCIANA
He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely.
Nia smiles.
NIA
Maybe I’ll borrow him one day.
Nia is looking pensive.
LUCIANA
Come, we need a margarita. THIS COULD TAKE THEM BACK TO THE BAR, OR HEADED BACK.
NIA
I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?
Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.
LUCIANA
It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.
Nia laughs and relaxes.
NIA
I want to meet her! Come on! Let’s make my eyes water.
Nia stands shaking off the weird feelings she has.
LUCIANA
Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.
Nia suddenly hugs her.
NIA
BACK IN THE BAR – TOWNSFOLK COULD SEE THEM RE-ENTERING. THIS COULD SEND SIGNAL TO AUDIENE TO BE SUSPICIOUS OF LUC?
I think we’ll be friends. I’ll push my way to the bar. See you there.
She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades now standing on the chair Nia just left.
LUCIANA
La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.
EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING
A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.
EXT. THE FIELD, the stage – (SATURDAY) EVENING.
The play ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is under way, a rapt audience. On stage an early scene is playing.
DON JON
Come, Home, let us thither. This may prove food to my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow. If I can cross him any will assist me?
BORACHIO
To the death, my lord.
A car drives up, lights on lo-beam, carefully not alerting the large crowd, and parks to the rear of the audience. Darrogh gets out and walks silently toward back of the audience as the play continues.
DON JOHN
Let us to the great supper. Their cheer is the greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were o’my mind! Shall we go prove what’s to be done?
BORACHIO
I’ll wait upon your Lordship.
They exit.
Enter Leonato, his brother, Hero his daughter (played by Nia), and Beatrice his niece, and Margaret.
LEONATO
Was not Count John here at supper?
BEATRICE
I saw him not. I never
can see him but I am heartburned an hour after.
HERO
He is of a very melancholy disposition.
At her words, Darrogh is startled and stares at her transfixed.
BEATRICE
He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick. The one is too like an image and says nothing, and the
other too like my lady’s eldest son, evermore tattling.
Nia (as Hero), moves across the stage to ‘Beatrice’ and they laugh together. Darrogh cannot take his eyes off her and through the following he is transported back.
LEONATO
Then half Signior Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth, and half Count John’s melancholy in Signior Benedick’s face—
As the actors and voices fade, Darrogh is now fully out of this reality
FADE IN:
A MEMORY IMAGE.
Darrogh only sees his beautiful young wife, Amahla, from 25 years ago, laughing and coming toward him. She is clearly Nia’s mother.
FADE OUT:
EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – CONTINUOUS
Darrogh watches as the play continues.
LEONATO
(to Hero)
Well, I trust you will be ruled by your father.
Darrogh smiles, a sort of wonder and hope on his face.
BEATRICE
Yes, faith, it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say “Father, as it please you.” But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and say “Father, as it please me.”
Darrogh shakes his head and smiles more broadly.
FADE TO:
EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – LATER
The play is over and the cast stand on the stage taking their bows. As they step off the stage Bill comes to Nia with a note.
BILL
Miss? I was asked to give you this. THIS SEEMS TO BE YOUR INTENDED INCITING INCIDENT BUT IT FEELS LATE IN THE STORY.
He hands her the note.
NIA
Oh! From -?
BILL
My boss. He wants to – show you his house. And offer some, support for the company. In gratitude for you being here. The directions are written there.
Bill slithers off and Nia unfolds the note.
(READING)
“Do me the honor of coming to lunch tomorrow. The big house on the hill on your way out of town – you can’t miss it. We will see you at noon.”
Shaun comes over.
SHAUNN
GREAT show! What’s that?
NIA
An invitation! Lunch at that huge bloody great house on the hill.
SHAUNN
Are you going?
NIA
Of course! Told you I had a feeling.
She grins at him mischievously.
NIA
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll have my phone and it’s probably a couple of old people who want to support the arts. And I bet I can run faster than they can. Come on – let’s go celebrate and hey? Secret right? I don’t want to listen to Sarah go on about ‘why wasn’t she asked’!
They run off to join the crowd.
INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE – NEXT DAY, 12.30
Nia is in awe of his beautiful place and Darrogh is proud to show her around. They are finishing the ‘tour’ and have arrived in the living room.
DARROGH
You can see I’ve put a lot of effort into this place. Not just the money, but every detail thought through and meticulously executed.
NIA
It is perfect! It’s like the best set I’ve ever been on.
DARROGH
Set?
NIA
Yes! The set designer and director choose what to put where. It’s all carefully laid out, the entrances and exits. Details of furniture, props, what colors.
DARROGH
And all that because?
NIA
So the audience knows where they are, who the characters are by their surroundings, and what it means.
DARROGH
Interesting. What do you see when you see my ‘set’?
NIA
I see a man with eclectic taste, who likes to have things. He can afford them so he has them.
DARROGH
They’re beautiful things, right? And very valuable, no rubbish here.
NIA
You have a good eye.
DARGOGH
I’m forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?
NIA
Oh no. I should be getting back to camp. But thank you. This was a lovely tour. I really appreciate it.
DARROGH
I wanted you to see it. I… Please, just a glass of wine.
He is oddly vulnerable and Nia responds to that.
NIA
Well, thank you. That’d be lovely. I don’t think anyone will really miss me. Although Sarah was a bit jealous she didn’t get to come.
As he speaks, Darrogh takes a fine red out of the cabinet, two cut crystal wine glasses, expertly removes the cork and pours.
DARROGH
I’m sure she was. Everyone wants to see this house. I don’t ask many people. This is one of my best reds. You’ll appreciate it. Here.
He hands her one of the glasses.
Nia is a bit taken aback. She’s not a red drinker and wasn’t asked but she is a good guest.
NIA
Oh! Thank you.
DARROGH
To your visit here! May it be all that you hope it will be.
Darrogh takes a sip and regards her carefully as she takes one. Nia makes the appropriate ‘yummy’ face. She is after all an actress.
NIA
A nice – finish. Do you mean my visit to this community or to this house?
DARROGH
(dismissively of the town)
Oh, my house – of course.
NIA
Hmm. I didn’t really have any ‘hopes’ coming here. Why me? I don’t get that usual ‘older guy’ vibe from you.
DARROGH
(amused)
‘Older guy vibe’?
NIA
You know, coming on to younger – much younger – women. I could be your daughter!
Darrogh is taken aback. He’s not used to this age group’s directness. And it is right on the nose.
NIA
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that I’ve had to learn to read that. Being in the ‘show biz’ world (a bit) and being, looking, how I do. There’s plenty of creeps out there.
Darrogh recovers.
DARROGH
I am sure there are and yes. Looking like you do. And that’s why I invited you.
Nia steps back. She is suddenly very uncomfortable. Has she misread this man after all?
DARROGH
I am sure you’re looking for the exits on this set! But don’t worry. Sit, please. And I’ll tell you why I invited you. You read the ‘vibe’ right.
Nia hesitates and then sits, pointedly, at the far end of the sofa near a door/exit.
NIA
By the exit.
DARROGH
Yes.
Darrogh takes another sip. Nia sits very still and watches him.
NIA
Are you going to sit?
DARROGH
No – I’ll stand over here – by my exit.
He is closer to the other doorway into the room.
Nia grins.
NIA
Sounds fair.
There is a pause.
NIA
Your cue.
DARROGH
Cue?
NIA
Yes. After my line then it’s your turn.
DARROGH
Ah, yes. I don’t know where to start.
NIA
‘Looking like I do’… Why you invited me?
Darrogh takes a breath and plunges in, with poise however.
DARROGH
I have a beautiful house with beautiful things in it. But it’s empty. The most beautiful, precious thing I ever had isn’t here. You remind me.
NIA
I don’t know ….
She is staring at him now. Some memory stirring.
DARROGH
I’m Darrogh – Ian – McGrath. You are my daughter.
Nia gasps. Spills her wine. Catches the glass.
Darrogh moves quickly to help her. Sits beside her.
DARROGH
It was such a shock to see you. You’re just like – her.
He touches her hair gently, paternally, longingly.
DARROGH
Your hair, the shape of your face, that tilt to the chin. I couldn’t believe it when you laughed on stage last night.
NIA
You’re my father? My Dad? Oh, my Dad.
She starts to cry. Darrogh holds her awkwardly until she gathers herself.
Nia sits back and looks at him with joyful wonder.
Then with a real laugh.
NIA
Where the fuck have you been? And you changed your name!
DARROGH
Hiding, I guess. Just the first name and it’s the only one I let people use. But I missed you every day. I just couldn’t…
NIA
I know. After Mom died. Nanna told me. I want to know all about you – your life, what you’ve been doing. Nanna and Grandpa said you were doing wonderful things in the world, really hard work and lots of traveling.
DARROGH
It did. I was. But I sent money. I made sure you had everything you needed.
NIA
Yes. Yes, you did and now I have you!
She hugs him tightly. That’s what she really wanted always.
Darrogh hugs her back and then sets her away from him so he can see her.
DARROGH
This house needs you. You belong here. I built the set but it was waiting for the actress.
NIA
You knew I was an actress?
DARROGH
I knew you went to drama school. I didn’t know where you were. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to appear on some tiny wooden stage in a field right where I live!
NIA
That must have been huge!!
DARROGH
I thought I’d seen a ghost.
NIA
Not a ghost. Me. Nia. Amahla’s daughter.
DARROGH
My daughter. And now, you can move into my home, with me.
Nia is delighted. This is a dream come true.
NIA
Nothing I want more! I’ll go back to the Camp, stay one more night, say goodbye and be back tomorrow.
DARROGH
Don’t let me down, Nia. Your Mother
-. I can’t go through that again.
NIA
Don’t worry, Dad! I’m as healthy as they come. I won’t get sick, I promise.
Darrogh grabs her hand.
DARROGH
Stay with me.
NIA
Of course. Of course. You’re my Dad. We have a lot to catch up on and stories to tell.
She hugs him again, her head buried in his chest. Darrogh looks over her head, something hard, and almost triumphant in his face, even as he holds her tenderly. THIS WORKS AS A NICE TWIST AT END BUT WE’VE SEEN IT MANY TIMES BEFORE. IS THERE SOMETHING MORE PROVOCATIVE YOU COULD DO HERE? DOES SHE GO TO HUG HIM AND HE STIFFENS? DOES HIS SUDDEN COLDNESS BACK HER OFF? JUST WONDERING IF THERE COULD BE SOMETHING STRONGER.
OF COURSE, AS ALWAYS, LOTS OF GREAT STUFF HERE. JUST A SIDE NOTE: ANYWAY TO ADD SOME OF THE TROUPE IN BAR SCENE TO GET A SENSE OF WHO THEY ARE? DON’T WANT TO MAKE IT LONGER BUT SEE THEM IN B.G. DOING ?
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
(PS 81) ANITA’S 1<sup>ST</sup> 10 PAGES – READY TO EXCHANGE CRITIQUES!
SYNOPSIS
Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’ fire station. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley, exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge. When his wife Karen discovers thru genetic home testing kits that Cyrus has a child out of wedlock she leaves him.
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at the same genetics lab that uncovered Cyrus’ illegitimate child – who is Harley. Because of her job’s database access Harley discovers both her biological parents’ identities and their health histories.
Danica also climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s sister dies from familial acute kidney disease and Danica is told by her doctor of her own need for a kidney transplant. Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments. The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter.
Harley, aware of both parents’ identities and their medical histories, agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus. TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
LIFE CHOICES
FADE IN:
INT. LUXURY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A WOMAN’s unadorned left hand bunching the sheets in passion; A MAN’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand tangles in her long curly brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring.
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face. He sits up and clips on his Rolex watch.
CYRUS
You available this time next week?
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room, alongside a waiting incubator.
But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN, V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
WOMAN
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and the woman pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
AAAHHHH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose your remaining kidney function if we don’t –
WOMAN
(in pain)
Nooo — !!!
As he speaks the <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> grabs the short stool and swivels into position between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
The woman SCREAMS again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already lively room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
An alarmed nurse tends to the mother…
NURSE
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
FAST CUT TO:
SUPER: 7 Months Ago
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
A petite blonde with short hair dressed in an impeccable suit stands at the head of a conference table populated by junior ‘suits’. DANICA is a tight little package both physically and emotionally.
She’s conducting a meeting like a maestro conducts an orchestra – with crisp staccato instructions meted out with an efficiency that brooks no interruption or questions.
DANICA
Do you want to re-litigate a case we already won!? Hell no! We fought that battle last year. We never turn back.
Someone catches her attention through the glass wall and breaks her concentration.
It’s CYRUS KILNER, the head partner of what we can now see is a sizable bustling law firm.
Cyrus swaggers by the conference room charming various assistants and secretaries along the way dispensing ready smiles, schmoozing and oozing a charismatic masculine presence.
CONFERENCE ATTENDEE
(Interrupting her reverie)
Danica? So who are you assigning to the Ryder case?
Danica’s attention swings back to the meeting at hand.
DANICA
Umm… let me get back to you. That’s all for now.
She closes her leather portfolio, marches from the room leaving the others puzzled – this abrupt departure with unfinished business is not like her, and they notice.
Danica follows the path Cyrus took but without any of the social niceties along the way. She’s all brisk business.
She gets to the end of the hall and stops at the closed oak door whose gold embossed plaque reads:
Cyrus Kilner, Partner
Danica’s uncharacteristic hesitation belies her nervousness.
Then she throws the door open with conviction and enters Cyrus’s office.
He’s on the phone and looks up, surprised. Danica quietly closes and locks the door behind her.
CYRUS
(into the phone)
I have to call you back.
He hangs up. A sly smile spreads across his face. He stands and takes a slow walk to Danica who’s just standing there with her back against the closed door, hands on handle.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Well isn’t this a nice surprise. Couldn’t wait until after hours? We haven’t snuck in a daytime quickie before. How quiet do you think we can be?
Now he’s standing directly in front of Danica. But as he puts his hands on her shoulders she shrugs him off and storms away.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Playing hard to get?
Danica doesn’t answer, just paces the large well-appointed office. She picks up and puts down a few expensive-looking pieces of art tastefully incorporated around the room. Cyrus watches her, wary now.
Finally she whirls to face him, chin up.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Cyrus looks sucker-punched.
CYRUS
What!? How –
DANICA
The usual way.
(beat)
It must have happened when I changed my prescription. I guess the pill isn’t as reliable as death or taxes.
CYRUS
We can’t –
DANICA
There is no “we” in this Cyrus.
Now it’s Cyrus’ turn to pace the room like a caged animal.
CYRUS
Right. But you know I can’t have this – it would ruin me – my marriage, my career –
He looks over his shoulder to her.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Our career. Your career.
He goes to her, now trying a soft reasonable tone.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Dani, we can take care of this. I know a private doctor –
DANICA
(laughing derisively)
Oh that’s rich. You were on the state legislature when the current anti-abortion bill was signed into law. You gloated over that for weeks! Or don’t you remember all that posturing over hearing the baby’s heartbeat making life real, etc, etc.
Cyrus looks panicked. He starts sputtering . . .
CYRUS
That was meant to… that’s different… how far along are you?
DANICA (CONT.)
Unfortunately for you and your fucking law, just over 6 weeks. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. I’ll just have to leave the state to do it.
There’s a long pause between them. It is the sound of an affair ending and two people seeing each other for who they really are.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Consider this my notice.
Without another word Danica goes to the office door, calmly unlocks it, and before SLAMMING it in his face, tosses over her shoulder, loud enough for the office pool to hear –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Oh, and say hi to Karen and the kids for me.
EXT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
After knocking with no answer Danica walks into her sister’s comfortably chaotic middle-class home.
INT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Danica steps over toys on her way to the kitchen where REBECCA, poster gal for soccer mom of the year, stirs something on the stove while humming to the baby propped comfortably on her hip as a toddler bangs pots at her feet.
DANICA
Beck?
Her sister looks up with both surprise and pleasure at seeing Danica.
REBECCA
Dani! I didn’t hear you come in. Here.
Rebecca unceremoniously hands the baby over to her sister so she can season what’s on the stove.
Danica holds the child awkwardly and perches it on her hip, not inward, but looking outward.
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up?
Danica starts juggling the baby on her hip who has started to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
DANICA
Rebecca, I need to talk to you NOW! Can you stop with the kids and the cooking already!?
REBECCA
Ooo-kay –
Rebecca turns off the stove and takes the fussy baby from Dani. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging hits the obnoxious level.
DANICA
For god’s sake, can’t they be quiet for ONE FUCKING MINUTE!?
REBECCA (O/S)
Ted!
Rebecca’s cute but harried HUSBAND TED is barely in the room when she hands him the now crying baby, steps over the toddler, and leads a seething Dani by the elbow out onto the back patio.
EXT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
The sisters sit at a picnic table. Rebecca waits expectantly while Danica nervously brushes at some leaves.
Then she just blurts it out.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Her sister is truly surprised and momentarily speechless.
REBECCA
I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!
(changes course)
Oh, but how wonderful!
She goes in to hug Danica, who brushes her aside.
DANICA
No. NOT wonderful. I don’t want it. And neither does he.
(beat)
I’m not having it.
REBECCA
You’re not – but you can’t mean it –
DANICA
Yes. I DO mean it. I can’t get it done here with this heinous ‘hearbeat law’, so I’m going over the border to <st1:city w:st=”on”>Lafayette</st1:city> or <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Baton Rouge</st1:place></st1:city> and will be out of town. In fact, I might move there permanently, if I can find the right law firm.
(something occurs to her)
Shit. That means I’d have to pass the <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:place></st1:state> state bar.
(sighs heavily)
Well – I just thought you should know.
Rebecca looks stunned. Then she takes a deep breath and gathers herself.
REBECCA
Dani, I know this must all seem overwhelming in the moment, but you’ll get your bearings and then the sheer joy of creating this precious life will settle in and –
DANICA
No. There is no joy. And there won’t be any –
REBECCA
But the moment you hold your baby you’ll feel differently – it’s like falling in love –
DANICA
(laughs bitterly)
I don’t know what that feels like. Look Beck – my life isn’t like yours. I don’t have the white-picket-fence husband-family gene, and frankly have no appetite for it. I chose a law career. That’s MY path, and I won’t have some mistake interfere with that.
Rebecca reaches out to hold Dani’s hand.
REBECCA
(with soft compassion)
It’s not a mistake, it’s a baby.
Danica rises to go, forceful in her rejection of Rebecca’s pleas.
DANICA
No! It’s NOT a baby… it’s just a collection of cells, an embryo… an unwanted alien object intruding on MY life!
Rebecca stands too, desperate to persuade her sister against an abortion.
REBECCA
Think Dani! we grew up in the same church – what does it teach us -What would mom and dad say?
DANICA
(coldly)
Unlike you, I left the church years ago. And mom and dad are dead.
The words are like a slap and Rebecca recoils as if hit.
DANICA (CONT’D)
(more gently)
Beck, we’re the only family each of us has now. And you already risked your life, TWICE, each time you had a kid. You may have been born with two kidneys to my one, but they’re weak… and well, frankly I do not intend to put my life on the line for a child I DO NOT want.
REBECCA
But Dani, I didn’t die… and there’s always adoption –
Danica cuts her off by striding away.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
(pleading)
Please don’t do this thing, I beg you! I promise, you’ll grow to love the child –
DANICA
I didn’t come here for a debate. I just wanted to let you know why I’ll be gone. Goodbye Beck.
A stoic Danica walks away leaving her tear-streaked sister behind.
INT. DANICA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Danica’s surrounded by several packed boxes. She’s yanking clothes off their hangers out of the closet and throwing them into an open suitcase on the bed.
She’s SO ANGRY she starts to cry – tears of frustration, feelings of entrapment –
DANICA
God DAMMIT!
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st=”on”>CATHOLIC</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER THAT NIGHT
Danica sits alone in an empty church.
No one approaches her.
DANICA
(bitterly, to herself)
An empty house for an empty heart, with nothing but empty answers.
Her words echo and bounce.
Abruptly she stands and marches down the aisle, out the doors and into the black night.
EXT. HIGHWAY – LATER STILL, THAT NIGHT
Danica’s driving a packed car – fleeing her state, escaping <st1:state w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:state> for <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place>.
<st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>2-lane State Road</st1:address></st1:street> 90 is pitch dark with no other traffic at this hour. Signs indicate HWY 10 to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> is up ahead.
SUDDENLY Danica’s headlights catch a giant billboard depicting Cyrus Kilner, his beautiful wife KAREN and their two young children, proclaiming:
VOTE Cyrus Kilner for Judge!
A Family Man with Family Values!
It’s disorienting to see his smug face larger than life in this moment.
Dani’s laugh is bitter as she drives toward the billboard and in a moment of deep darkness veers along the edge of the pavement looking as if she’s headed right into the sign’s posts –
-
Hi Anita,
I’d like to read your pages. June
-
Hello Anita I have read your pages and will offer a crtique if you give me your go ahead.
-
Hi Anna!
Yes, please! I would love a critique from you. As I just mentioned to June, I am unsure if I want to keep the first “teaser” bit which shows Cyrus to be a total jerk.
Thanks for feedback!
I am reading yours this afternoon also.
-Anita
-
-
Hi June,
Please do!
And in particular I would love to know your thoughts on the very first “teaser” scene, which I just added. It sets Cyrus up as a player, having sex with neither his wife nor Danica.
Prior, I started with the difficult birth. On the fence about which works better!
Thanks! Reading yours this afternoon.
-Anita
-
POST 39 RESPONSE
DAY 6 NOTES FOR ANITA FROM ANNA
NOTES IN BOLD
Loved the opening paras, sure it will be engaging for an audience.
INT. LUXURY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A WOMAN’s unadorned left hand bunching the sheets in passion; A MAN’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand tangles in her long curly brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring. GREAT ATTENTION GRABBER FOR OPENING
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face. He sits up and clips on his Rolex watch.
CYRUS
You available this time next week? WONDERING IF SHE IS A SEX WORKER OR NOT. OBVIOUSLY FROM DIALOGUE NOT HIS WIFE GOOD SET UP, CYRUS IS A SHIT.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room, alongside a waiting incubator. I UNDERSTAND THIS, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO COMMUNICATE THIS EITHER BY DIALOGUE OR ACTIONS TO AN AUDIENCE?
But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth. COULD YOU HAVE A NURSE MAKE A COMMENT TO THIS EFFECT?
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN, V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have. QUESTION IS SHE HAVING A FLASH BACK
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
WOMAN
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and the woman pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
AAAHHHH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose your remaining kidney function if we don’t – I THINK IT WOULD BE STANDARD HOSPITAL SPEAK TO HAVE A COMMENT RE RISK TO BABY HERE COULD IMPLY MOTHER IS SELFISH
WOMAN
(in pain)
Nooo — !!!
grabs the short stool and swivels into position between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
The woman SCREAMS again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already lively room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
An alarmed nurse tends to the mother…
NURSE
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
FAST CUT TO:
SUPER: 7 Months Ago
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
A petite blonde with short hair dressed in an impeccable suit stands at the head of a conference table populated by junior ‘suits’. DANICA is a tight little package both physically and emotionally.
She’s conducting a meeting like a maestro conducts an orchestra – with crisp staccato instructions meted out with an efficiency that brooks no interruption or questions. DOES DANICA EVER SHOW BY ACTION OR A TRIP TO THE BATHROOM THAT SHE IS PREGNANT AT THIS POINT A BREAK IN THE UBER COLLECTED EXECUTIVE MASK? MAYBE A GLANCE IN A MIRROR OF THE OTHER-SELF.
love the drama of the opening scene and the inciting incident
DANICA
Do you want to re-litigate a case we already won!? Hell no! We fought that battle last year. We never turn back.
Someone catches her attention through the glass wall and breaks her concentration.
It’s CYRUS KILNER, the head partner of what we can now see is a sizable bustling law firm.
Cyrus swaggers by the conference room charming various assistants and secretaries along the way dispensing ready smiles, schmoozing and oozing a charismatic masculine presence.
CONFERENCE ATTENDEE
(Interrupting her reverie)
Danica? So who are you assigning to the Ryder case?
Danica’s attention swings back to the meeting at hand.
DANICA
Umm… let me get back to you. That’s all for now.
She closes her leather portfolio, marches from the room leaving the others puzzled – this abrupt departure with unfinished business is not like her, and they notice.
Danica follows the path Cyrus took but without any of the social niceties along the way. She’s all brisk business.
She gets to the end of the hall and stops at the closed oak door whose gold embossed plaque reads:
Cyrus Kilner, Partner
Danica’s uncharacteristic hesitation belies her nervousness.
Then she throws the door open with conviction and enters Cyrus’s office.
He’s on the phone and looks up, surprised. Danica quietly closes and locks the door behind her.
CYRUS
(into the phone)
I have to call you back.
He hangs up. A sly smile spreads across his face. He stands and takes a slow walk to Danica who’s just standing there with her back against the closed door, hands on handle.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Well isn’t this a nice surprise. Couldn’t wait until after hours? We haven’t snuck in a daytime quickie before. How quiet do you think we can be?
Now he’s standing directly in front of Danica. But as he puts his hands on her shoulders she shrugs him off and storms away.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Playing hard to get?
Danica doesn’t answer, just paces the large well-appointed office. She picks up and puts down a few expensive-looking pieces of art tastefully incorporated around the room. Cyrus watches her, wary now.
Finally she whirls to face him, chin up.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Cyrus looks sucker-punched.
CYRUS
What!? How –
DANICA
The usual way.
(beat)
It must have happened when I changed my prescription. I guess the pill isn’t as reliable as death or taxes.
CYRUS
We can’t –
DANICA
There is no “we” in this Cyrus.
Now it’s Cyrus’ turn to pace the room like a caged animal.
CYRUS
Right. But you know I can’t have this – it would ruin me – my marriage, my career –
He looks over his shoulder to her.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Our career. Your career.
He goes to her, now trying a soft reasonable tone.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Dani, we can take care of this. I know a private doctor –
DANICA
(laughing derisively)
Oh that’s rich. You were on the state legislature when the current anti-abortion bill was signed into law. You gloated over that for weeks! Or don’t you remember all that posturing over hearing the baby’s heartbeat making life real, etc, etc.
Cyrus looks panicked. He starts sputtering . . .
CYRUS
That was meant to… that’s different… how far along are you?
DANICA (CONT.)
Unfortunately for you and your fucking law, just over 6 weeks. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. I’ll just have to leave the state to do it.
There’s a long pause between them. It is the sound of an affair ending and two people seeing each other for who they really are.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Consider this my notice.
Without another word Danica goes to the office door, calmly unlocks it, and before SLAMMING it in his face, tosses over her shoulder, loud enough for the office pool to hear –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Oh, and say hi to Karen and the kids for me.
LOVED THIS SCENE WITH CYRUS, HORRIBLE MAN INTERESTING TO THINK WHAT EFFECT IT WILL HAVE ON THE PRO-LIFERS
EXT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
After knocking with no answer Danica walks into her sister’s comfortably chaotic middle-class home. (i would not like my sister just walking and demanding attention amid the chaos. does Danica have boundary problems? Sister is maybe too nice?
INT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Danica steps over toys on her way to the kitchen where REBECCA, poster gal for soccer mom of the year, stirs something on the stove while humming to the baby propped comfortably on her hip as a toddler bangs pots at her feet.
DANICA
Beck?
Her sister looks up with both surprise and pleasure at seeing Danica.
REBECCA
Dani! I didn’t hear you come in. Here.
Rebecca unceremoniously hands the baby over to her sister so she can season what’s on the stove.
Danica holds the child awkwardly and perches it on her hip, not inward, but looking outward. IS THE KID QUIET OR DOES HE SQUIRM AND COMPLAIN MAKING DANICA MORE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA OF A CHILD
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up?
Danica starts juggling the baby on her hip who has started to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
DANICA
Rebecca, I need to talk to you NOW! Can you stop with the kids and the cooking already!?
REBECCA
Ooo-kay –
Rebecca turns off the stove and takes the fussy baby from Dani. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging hits the obnoxious level.
DANICA
For god’s sake, can’t they be quiet for ONE FUCKING MINUTE!?
REBECCA (O/S)
Ted!
Rebecca’s cute but harried HUSBAND TED is barely in the room when she hands him the now crying baby, steps over the toddler, and leads a seething Dani by the elbow out onto the back patio.
EXT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
The sisters sit at a picnic table. Rebecca waits expectantly while Danica nervously brushes at some leaves.
Then she just blurts it out.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Her sister is truly surprised and momentarily speechless.
REBECCA
I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!
(changes course)
Oh, but how wonderful!
She goes in to hug Danica, who brushes her aside. interesting dynamic
DANICA
No. NOT wonderful. I don’t want it. And neither does he.
(beat)
I’m not having it.
REBECCA
You’re not – but you can’t mean it –
DANICA
Yes. I DO mean it. I can’t get it done here with this heinous ‘hearbeat law’, so I’m going over the border to <st1:city w:st=”on”>Lafayette</st1:city> or <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Baton Rouge</st1:place></st1:city> and will be out of town. In fact, I might move there permanently, if I can find the right law firm.
(something occurs to her)
Shit. That means I’d have to pass the <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:place></st1:state> state bar.
(sighs heavily)
Well – I just thought you should know.
Rebecca looks stunned. Then she takes a deep breath and gathers herself.
REBECCA
Dani, I know this must all seem overwhelming in the moment, but you’ll get your bearings and then the sheer joy of creating this precious life will settle in and –
DANICA
No. There is no joy. And there won’t be any –
REBECCA
But the moment you hold your baby you’ll feel differently – it’s like falling in love –
DANICA
(laughs bitterly)
I don’t know what that feels like. Look Beck – my life isn’t like yours. I don’t have the white-picket-fence husband-family gene, and frankly have no appetite for it. I chose a law career. That’s MY path, and I won’t have some mistake interfere with that.
Rebecca reaches out to hold Dani’s hand.
REBECCA
(with soft compassion)
It’s not a mistake, it’s a baby. (FANTASTIC LINE)
Danica rises to go, forceful in her rejection of Rebecca’s pleas.
DANICA
No! It’s NOT a baby… it’s just a collection of cells, an embryo… an unwanted alien object intruding on MY life!
Rebecca stands too, desperate to persuade her sister against an abortion.
REBECCA
Think Dani! we grew up in the same church – what does it teach us -What would mom and dad say?
DANICA
(coldly)
Unlike you, I left the church years ago. And mom and dad are dead.
The words are like a slap and Rebecca recoils as if hit.
DANICA (CONT’D)
(more gently)
Beck, we’re the only family each of us has now. And you already risked your life, TWICE, each time you had a kid. You may have been born with two kidneys to my one, but they’re weak… and well, frankly I do not intend to put my life on the line for a child I DO NOT want.
REBECCA
But Dani, I didn’t die… and there’s always adoption –
Danica cuts her off by striding away.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
(pleading)
Please don’t do this thing, I beg you! I promise, you’ll grow to love the child –
DANICA
I didn’t come here for a debate. I just wanted to let you know why I’ll be gone. Goodbye Beck.
A stoic Danica walks away leaving her tear-streaked sister behind.
INT. DANICA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Danica’s surrounded by several packed boxes. She’s yanking clothes off their hangers out of the closet and throwing them into an open suitcase on the bed.
She’s SO ANGRY she starts to cry – tears of frustration, feelings of entrapment –
DANICA
God DAMMIT!
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st=”on”>CATHOLIC</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER THAT NIGHT
Danica sits alone in an empty church. WHY IS SHE IN A CHURCH WHICH SHE HAS NO USE FOR PREVIOUS MENTIONED DOES THIS NEED SOME SORT OF TRANISITON OR CLARIFICATION OF HER CRISIS PROPELLING HER TO WHAT A SAFE SPACE TO THINK OR COLLECT HERSELF.
No one approaches her.
DANICA
(bitterly, to herself)
An empty house for an empty heart, with nothing but empty answers.
Her words echo and bounce.
Abruptly she stands and marches down the aisle, out the doors and into the black night.
EXT. HIGHWAY – LATER STILL, THAT NIGHT
Danica’s driving a packed car – fleeing her state, escaping <st1:state w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:state> for <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place>.
<st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>2-lane State Road</st1:address></st1:street> 90 is pitch dark with no other traffic at this hour. Signs indicate HWY 10 to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> is up ahead.
SUDDENLY Danica’s headlights catch a giant billboard depicting Cyrus Kilner, his beautiful wife KAREN and their two young children, proclaiming:
VOTE Cyrus Kilner for Judge!
A Family Man with Family Values! LOVED THIS CLOSING SCENE IT CREATES A QUESTION
It’s disorienting to see his smug face larger than life in this moment.
Dani’s laugh is bitter as she drives toward the billboard and in a moment of deep darkness veers along the edge of the pavement looking as if she’s headed right into the sign’s posts –
Really dynamic writing. The exchange with sis felt totally realistic. Ending OMG.
tHANK FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO READ AND THINK ABOUT YOUR WORK. I CAN TELL YOU PUT A LOT INTO THIS INTERESTING AND CRITICALLY TIMED PIECE. EST OF LUCK Anna
-
Thanks Anna!
You have given me a few key pieces of food for thought.
I find it an interesting dynamic when writing with some mystery in mind of how much to reveal to the viewer or hold them by the hand, and how much to keep from them – leaving them to wonder.
I think my tendency is to reveal bits as I go. But I always want to be a clear communicator! Kind of a balancing act.
Because others have been confused if Cyrus was in fact paying for sex in the teaser scene, I think I am just going to cut it and start with Danica’s difficult birth.
I appreciate your encouraging words!
Best,
Anita
-
-
-
JUNE’S COMMENTS FOR ANITA’S LIFE CHOICES FIRST TEN PAGES
(PS 81) ANITA’S 110 PAGES – READY TO EXCHANGE CRITIQUES!
SYNOPSIS
Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is
a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway.
INCITING INCIDENT. GREAT
Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion.
EXCELLENT TWIST
She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’ fire station.
ANOTHER EXCELLENT TWIST
Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley, exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with
his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge.
When his wife Karen discovers thru genetic home testing kits that Cyrus has a child out of wedlock she leaves him.
WOULD LOVE TO READ THIS SCENE
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at the same genetics lab that uncovered Cyrus’ illegitimate child – who is Harley. Because of her job’s database access Harley discovers both her biological parents’ identities and their health histories.
GOOD STUFF. WOULD LOVE TO READ THIS REVELATION SCENE, AS WELL.
Danica also climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s sister dies from familial acute kidney disease and Danica is told by her doctor of her own need for a kidney transplant.
GOOD STORY. GOOD COMPOUNDING DIFFICULTIES
Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments.
WERE YOU ABLE TO SOLVE THE CONFLICT OF INTEREST ISSUE?
The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter. Harley, aware of both parents’ identities and their medical histories, agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus.
TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
ANITA, I’M SORRY ABOUT THE ALL-CAPS TEXT, BUT HIGHLIGHTING TEXT ON THE SITE TAKES FOREVER. TO DO IT BEFOREHAND ADDS A LOT OF PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE TO DELETE. FORGIVE THE FEEL OF SCREAMING AT YOU :/
LIFE CHOICES
NICE TITLE
FADE IN:
INT. LUXURY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A WOMAN’s unadorned left hand
bunching the sheets in passion; A MAN’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand tangles in her long curly brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring.
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS
KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face. He sits up and clips on his Rolex watch.
CYRUS
You available this time next week?
THE SHOVE OFF IMPLIES DISTAIN. WHEN CYRUS ASKS ABOUT NEXT WEEK, IT IMPLIES SEX WORKER- ALTHOUGH I DON’T THINK A SEX WORKER WOULD SHOVE SOMEONE OFF- IT THEN IMPLIES- A WOMAN WHO’S COMPELLED BY A POWERFUL MAN WHO FEELS OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX TO FURTHER HER CAREER- LIKE THE WOMEN ABUSED BY HARVEY WEINSTEIN. YOU ASKED ME TO COMMENT ON IF THE PREFACE HELPS- IT’S ALL ABOUT DANICA HERE. I’M NOT SURE WHY YOU DON’T SHOW DANICA’S FACE. HER EXPRESSION WOULD SAY EVERYTHING. DOES SHE FEEL TRAPPED? DOES SHE HATE THIS MAN? HER SILENCE INDICATES POWERLESSNESS- BUT UNLESS SHE’S BEING RAPED, SHE DOES HAVE POWER TO EXACT FAVORS OR SOME KIND OF RETURN FOR SERVICES.
YOU ASKED IF THE PREFACE WORKS OR IS IT BETTER TO JUMP INTO THE CHILDBIRTH? TRY ADDING A CONVERSATION. WHERE DOES THAT TAKE YOU? THE SCENE IS HARSH RIGHT NOW. WOULD CYRUS BE SOFTER AFTER DANICA SATISFIED HIS NEED? HOW DOES THE ACT CHANGE THEM? IF YOU HAVE A PREFACE USE IT FOR IMPACT. I’D SEE HOW FAR I COULD GO WITH IT AND THEN DECIDE.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
DO THE SCENES WHEN DANICA CAN’T BRING HERSELF TO GET AN ABORTION, AND THE
SCENE WHEN CYRUS INSISTS THAT SHE GET ONE – FLASHBACKS LATER? DOES CYRUS PAY
FOR THE ABORTION?
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room,
alongside a waiting incubator. But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN, V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
WOMAN
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and the woman pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
AAAHHHH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose your remaining
kidney function if we don’t –
WOMAN
(in pain)
Nooo — !!!
As he speaks the grabs the short stool and swivels into position between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
The woman SCREAMS again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already lively room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
An alarmed nurse tends to the mother…
NURSE
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
FAST CUT TO:
SUPER: 7 Months Ago
PRIOR TO THE BIRTH OR THE SEX? OR WHEN HARLEY IS GROWN AND PRIOR TO THE CASE?
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
A petite blonde with short hair dressed in an impeccable suit stands at the head of a conference table
populated by junior ‘suits’. DANICA is a tight little package both physically and emotionally.
She’s conducting a meeting like a maestro conducts an orchestra – with crisp staccato instructions meted out with an efficiency that brooks no interruption or questions.
NICE DESCRIPTION. INDICATION OF AGE? HOW DID SHE GET HERE – THE GUMPTION – IF SHE <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>WAS SO PASSIVE WITH CYRUS?
DANICA
Do you want to re-litigate a case we already won!? Hell no! We fought that battle last year. We never turn
back.
Someone catches her attention through the glass wall and breaks her concentration.
It’s CYRUS KILNER, the head partner of what we can now see is a sizable bustling law firm.
Cyrus swaggers by the conference room charming various assistants and secretaries along the way dispensing ready smiles, schmoozing and oozing a charismatic masculine presence.
CONFERENCE ATTENDEE
(Interrupting her reverie)
Danica? So who are you assigning to the Ryder case?
Danica’s attention swings back to the meeting at hand.
DANICA
Umm… let me get back to you. That’s all for now.
She closes her leather portfolio, marches from the room leaving the others puzzled – this abrupt departure with unfinished business is not like her, and they notice. Danica follows the path Cyrus took but without any of the social niceties along the way. She’s all brisk business. She gets to the end of the hall and stops at the closed oak door whose gold embossed plaque reads: Cyrus Kilner, Partner
Danica’s uncharacteristic hesitation belies her nervousness.
Then she throws the door open with conviction and enters Cyrus’s office.
He’s on the phone and looks up, surprised. Danica quietly closes and locks the door behind her.
CYRUS
(into the phone)
I have to call you back.
He hangs up. A sly smile spreads across his face. He stands and takes a slow walk to Danica who’s just standing there with her back against the closed door, hands on handle.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Well isn’t this a nice surprise. Couldn’t wait until after hours? We haven’t snuck in a daytime quickie before. How quiet do you think we can be?
Now he’s standing directly in front of Danica. But as he puts his hands on her shoulders she shrugs him off and storms away.
STORMS AWAY IMPLIES SHE LEAVES THE OFFICE.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Playing hard to get?
Danica doesn’t answer, just paces the large well-appointed office. She picks up and puts down a few expensive-looking pieces of art tastefully incorporated around the room. Cyrus watches her, wary now. Finally she whirls to face him, chin up.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Cyrus looks sucker-punched.
CYRUS
What!? How –
DANICA
The usual way.
(beat)
It must have happened when I changed my prescription. I guess the pill isn’t as reliable as death or taxes.
CYRUS
We can’t –
DANICA
There is no “we” in this Cyrus.
Now it’s Cyrus’ turn to pace the room like a caged animal.
CYRUS Right. But you know I can’t have this – it would ruin me – my marriage, my career –
HIS LINE MAKES HIS MARRIAGE VERY CLEAR. THE RINGS ARE HIGHLIGHTED IN THE PREFACE, THIS IS DANICA’S CHANCE TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE- OH, SO NOW YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR WIFE? IN THE OPENING, SHE COULD COMMENT SARCASTICALLY, ‘GOING BACK TO YOUR WIFE NOW?” THE QUESTION IS, WHAT DOES SHE WANT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?
He looks over his shoulder to her.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Our career. Your career.
He goes to her, now trying a soft reasonable tone.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Dani, we can take care of this. I know a private doctor –
DANICA
(laughing derisively)
Oh that’s rich. You were on the state legislature when the current anti-abortion bill was signed into law. You gloated over that for weeks! Or don’t you remember all that posturing over hearing the baby’s heartbeat making life real, etc, etc.
Cyrus looks panicked. He starts sputtering . . .
CYRUS
That was meant to… that’s different… how far along are you?
DANICA (CONT.)
Unfortunately for you and your fucking law, just over 6 weeks. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. I’ll just
have to leave the state to do it.
NICE JAB AT THE CURRENT STATE OF AFFAIRS
There’s a long pause between them. It is the sound of an affair ending and two people seeing each other for who they really are.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Consider this my notice.
IF DANICA REALLY WANTS TO GET AT CYRUS, SHE’LL STAY AND TORMENT HIM, BUT I SUPPOSE HE COULD DISCREDIT HER- ESPECIALLY WHEN HER PREGNANCY SHOWS.
Without another word Danica goes to the office door, calmly unlocks it, and before SLAMMING it in his face, tosses over her shoulder, loud enough for the office pool to hear –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Oh, and say hi to Karen and the kids for me.
EXT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
After knocking with no answer Danica walks into her sister’s comfortably chaotic middle-class home.
INT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Danica steps over toys on her way to the kitchen where REBECCA, poster gal for soccer mom of the year, stirs something on the stove while humming to the baby propped comfortably on her hip as a toddler bangs pots at her feet.
GREAT INTRO TO SISTER
DANICA
Beck?
Her sister looks up with both surprise and pleasure at seeing Danica.
REBECCA
Dani! I didn’t hear you come in. Here.
Rebecca unceremoniously hands the baby over to her sister so she can season what’s on the stove. Danica holds the child awkwardly and perches it on her hip, not inward, but looking outward.
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up? Danica starts juggling the baby on her hip who has started to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
DANICA
Rebecca, I need to talk to you NOW! Can you stop with the kids and the cooking already!?
REBECCA
Ooo-kay –
Rebecca turns off the stove and takes the fussy baby from Dani. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging
hits the obnoxious level.
HAHA. THAT’S WHY I LEFT THE HAVING KIDS ROUTINE TO MY BROTHERS’ FAMILIES.
DANICA For god’s sake, can’t they be quiet for ONE FUCKING MINUTE!?
REBECCA (O/S)
Ted!
Rebecca’s cute but harried HUSBAND TED is barely in the room when she hands him the now crying baby, steps over the toddler, and leads a seething Dani by the elbow out onto the back patio.
EXT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
The sisters sit at a picnic table. Rebecca waits expectantly while Danica nervously brushes at some leaves.
Then she just blurts it out.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Her sister is truly surprised and momentarily speechless.
REBECCA
I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!
(changes course) Oh, but how wonderful!
She goes in to hug Danica, who brushes her aside.
DANICA No. NOT wonderful. I don’t want it. And neither does he.
(beat)
I’m not having it.
REBECCA
You’re not – but you can’t mean it –
DANICA
Yes. I DO mean it. I can’t get it done here with this heinous ‘hearbeat law’, so I’m going over the border to Baton Rouge and will be out of town. In fact, I might move there permanently, if I can find the right law firm.
(something occurs to her) Shit. That means I’d have to pass the Louisiana state bar.
(sighs heavily) Well – I just thought you should know.
Rebecca looks stunned. Then she takes a deep breath and gathers herself.
REBECCA
Dani, I know this must all seem overwhelming in the moment, but you’ll get your bearings and then the sheer joy of creating this precious life will settle in and –
DANICA No. There is no joy. And there won’t be any –
REBECCA But the moment you hold your baby you’ll feel differently – it’s like falling in love –
DANICA
(laughs bitterly)
I don’t know what that feels like. Look Beck – my life isn’t like yours. I don’t have the white-picket-fence
husband-family gene, and frankly have no appetite for it. I chose a law career. That’s MY path, and I won’t have some mistake interfere with that.
Rebecca reaches out to hold Dani’s hand.
REBECCA (with soft compassion) It’s not a mistake, it’s a baby.
NICE CONTRAST BETWEEN THE SISTERS AND BECCA IS SWEET Danica rises to go, forceful in her rejection of Rebecca’s pleas.
DANICA
No! It’s NOT a baby… it’s just a collection of cells, an embryo… an unwanted alien object intruding on MY life!
Rebecca stands too, desperate to persuade her sister against an abortion.
REBECCA
Think Dani! we grew up in the same church – what does it teach us -What would mom and dad say?
DANICA (coldly)
Unlike you, I left the church years ago. And mom and dad are dead.
OK, SO WHY DID DANICA GO TO REBECCA? IT SEEMS TO ME THAT SHE WANTED BECCA TO <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>TALK HER OUT OF IT.
The words are like a slap and Rebecca recoils as if hit.
DANICA (CONT’D)
(more gently) Beck, we’re the only family each of us has now. And you already risked your life, TWICE, each time you had a kid. You may have been born with two kidneys to my one, but they’re weak… and well, frankly I do not intend to put my life on the line for a child I DO NOT want.
REBECCA But Dani, I didn’t die… and there’s always adoption –
Danica cuts her off by striding away.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
(pleading)
Please don’t do this thing, I beg you! I promise, you’ll grow to love the child –
DANICA
I didn’t come here for a debate. I just wanted to let you know why I’ll be gone. Goodbye Beck.
A stoic Danica walks away leaving her tear-streaked sister behind.
OK, PAYOFF AS TO WHY DANI TOLD BECCA
INT. DANICA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Danica’s surrounded by several packed boxes. She’s yanking clothes off their hangers out of the closet
and throwing them into an open suitcase on the bed.
She’s SO ANGRY she starts to cry – tears of frustration, feelings of entrapment –
DANICA God DAMMIT!
CATHOLIC CHURCH LATER THAT NIGHT
Danica sits alone in an empty church.
No one approaches her.
DANICA
(bitterly, to herself)
An empty house for an empty heart, with nothing but empty answers.
Her words echo and bounce. Abruptly she stands and marches down the aisle, out the doors and into the black night.
EXT. HIGHWAY – LATER STILL, THAT NIGHT
Danica’s driving a packed car – fleeing her state, escaping Texas Louisiana 2-lane State Road
90 is pitch dark with no other traffic at this hour. Signs indicate HWY 10 to Louisiana is up ahead. SUDDENLY Danica’s headlights catch a giant billboard depicting Cyrus Kilner, his beautiful wife KAREN and their two young children, proclaiming:
VOTE Cyrus Kilner for Judge! A Family Man with Family Values!
It’s disorienting to see his smug face larger than life in this moment. Dani’s laugh is bitter as she drives toward the billboard and in a moment of deep darkness veers along the edge of the pavement looking as if she’s headed right into the sign’s posts –
NICE
AT THIS POINT, WE BELIEVE THAT DANI’LL HAVE AN ABORTION. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>YES, IF I WAS A STUDIO READER, I’D KEEP READING AT THIS JUNCTURE, THOUGH I MIGHT <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SCAN TO PARTS, STOP AND READ, SCAN, AND THEN READ THE LAST 10-15 PAGES. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>OVERALL, I LIKE THE PIECE AND LOVE THE POLITICS AND VIEW OF RELIGION. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I THINK THE RELATIONSHIP DURING THE AFFAIR PHASE CAN BE CLARIFIED WITH A FEW <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>BRUSHSTROKES- IS DANI FLIRTY? DOES DANI WOW CYRUS WITH HER LEGAL KNOWLEDGE? <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SO HE’S COMPELLED TO CAPTURE HER?
IS HE HAVING SEX WITH MANY PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE OR JUST DANI? I THINK IF <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>YOU TAKE SOME TIME TO BUILD THE WAY THEY INTERACT- AND IT WON’T TAKE A LOT OF <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SCENE TIME- THEN YOU’LL BUILD THE CASE FOR THE GREAT FALLING OUT. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>IN THE FINAL SCENES, IT’S CLEAR THAT CYRUS STILL CARES ABOUT DANI BECAUSE HE <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SAVES HER LIFE. SO HE HAS A TENDER PLACE FOR HER- AND THAT SHOULD COME <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>THROUGH FROM THE BEGINNING ALTHOUGH, CERTAINLY, PEOPLE OFTEN DO BECOME <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>MORE SENTIMENTAL AS THEY AGE! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>NICE WORK. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT ROUND. JUNE
-
Hi June,
Thanks so much for your notes!
As to the first teaser scene, I wrote it to show Cyrus is a real “player” – because he is with a woman who is Not his wife, and who is NOT Danica. I tried to make that obvious by mentioning different hair color and body types. But I see now that it is confusing to the reader who might not pick up on these nuances…. And answers your questions about the scene (why don’t we see her face; why no dialogue; why so impersonal, etc). Yes. It was anonymous sex for hire.
My main concern with making Cyrus SUCH a jerk right out of the gate is the (partial) redemption at the end when he helps Danica get a kidney doesn’t play as well, because we hate him so much.
So – I think I have my answer, and will likely remove that first bit…. Starting with the difficult birth, as I always planned (which also takes away any confusion about the ‘SEVEN MONTHS EARLIER” graphic.
After all, the story is about Danica and her life choices, not Cyrus. (Glad you like the title)
Thanks for the read!
Best,
Anita
-
-
-
Anna Harper Welcomes critiques
What I learned from this assignment is. I have a certain amount of confidence in the opening pages, which is encouraging. I have learned that I appreciate critiques and the information is invaluable, as some of my work has been too timid.
PLEASE NOTE That this is the second episode of a series of three.
ALSO I don’t think this is ten pages, but it’s what I’ve got with apologies.
SITUATION
A friend (JAMES) died and left the care of PIRATE, and a financial legacy with strings attached to his friends Sophie and Sandy
PIRATE is the littermate of ALFIE a dog with superpowers from the pilot SILENT NIGHT.. Alfie and Dylan (boy from Silent Night) are trying to locate Alfie’s littermates.
PIRATE
Is a black and white Newfoundland dog. He has superpowers that Sandy and Sophie do not know about. PIRATE is a healer dog. Alfie has telepathic communication abilities.
SOPHIE is an out-of-work actress, Her last role was in a local theatre 5 years ago. She has been very depressed. Sophie is 60 ish. She dresses like an old hippy with money, BOHO, flamboyant frilly sleeves (like something out of ABBA) She makes some money baking cakes and selling herbs. She lives with Sandy her live-in lover of 10 years.
SANDY Is a retired teacher, in his late 60’s He paints dreary landscapes, no sales. Likes boring card games, meat and potatoes food, and watching Coronation Street., and wears black socks with his sandals
ESTABLISHING/SHOPPING AREA/YARMOUTH U.K./DAY
SOPHIE
It’s a spring day Sophie is walking into town. She is carrying shopping baskets full of baking and herbs for delivery. Sophie walks past the most upscale coffee shop in town (WELL DRESSED PATRONS CAN be SEEN IN THE WINDOW)
She turns down a cobbled side street. Her attention is drawn to look at something MYSTERIOUS There is a pile of what looks like moving garbage bags. She stops and looks closer. TO HER HORROR, it’s an almost unconscious boy. lying on a couple of garbage bags fluttering in the breeze.
SOPHIE
Hey my friend, are you alright? I’m Sophie. What’s your name?
BOY
Lifts head barely
Bill,
Grunts coughs
Bill.
SOPHIE
Sophie’s eyes widen as she sees the red welt of flea bites covering his skinny arms.
FRANTICALLY Do you want water, I have some here?
BILL
Bill slumps back over.
SOPHIE
Are you alright, Bill, Bill, Oh my God!
SCREAMS Help, help, anybody help?
MAN
Stops walking, looks at Bill and takes his cell phone out, and calls an ambulance.
SOPHIE
Throws down her bags and rolls Bill onto his back. She FRANTICALLY checks his pulse and his breathing, he is not breathing.
SOPHIE
Shit, he’s not breathing! Bill, Bill for God’s sake, Bill! Come on!
Come back!
She starts VIGOROUS CPR. SOPHIE SINGS The BeeGees ‘Staying Alive’ to keep pace with FRANTIC compressions, muttering intermittently.
Come on Bill, don’t die on me!
A crowd is forming. Nosy Lookey Loos, no one offers help.
SOPHIE
Sophie is working up a sweat with the CPR effort.
SOPHIE
SCREAMS Where’s the ambulance, how long does it take to get a fucking ambulance!
WELL DRESSED WOMAN
SHOUTS FILTHY drug addicts put them in prison!
SIRENS BLARING in the background after what seems an age. The MEDICS jump out and start to work on Bill, taking over the CPR.
One of the medics starts filling a syringe with Naxolene. The other medic is hooking up the AED.
MEDIC 1
STAND BACK, HANDS-OFF!
TWO JUMPS of the AED NOTHING The Noxelene is injected. The medics try again, more CPR, and then one more jump start with the AED. Nothing
MEDIC 1
LOOKS TIRED AND DEPRESSED
I am sorry, he’s gone. From the stuff in his bag, looks like a Fentanyl O.D.
That’s the third one this week.
MEDIC 2
PISSED-OFF FACIAL EXPRESSION
From his wallet, looks like Bill was 17.
Gets the gurney, and the medics load him on and cover the body with a sheet. Slam the ambulance doors.
SOPHIE
Sophie is standing there in SHOCK AND DISBELIEF She watches the ambulance leave. She walks over to the church wall, sits down, weeps, pulls out her cell phone, and calls SANDY.
SOPHIE
Struggling to talk. Choking on her tears.
Sandy, come and get me please, I am St.Agness outside on the wall.
SANDY
IRRITABLE
Can’t it wait? I’ve still got another 20 minutes of Coronation Street!
MUSIC UP
ACKER BILK STRANGER ON THE SHORE
ESTABLISHING/ARIAL/ FRESHWATER BAY CLIFFS/ THE NEEDLES /SUNNY
DAY
EXT.FRESHWATER BAY BEACH, ISLE OF WIGHT UK/DAY
Sophie and Sandy are sitting in deck chairs in front of the Fresh From the Sea Fish and Chips van. Sophie has tied a red balloon to her chair.
SOPHIE
We need to have a chat dear.
SANDY
There’s sand in my fish and chip dinner. Why did we have to come to the beach?
SOPHIE
It’s a lovely day, the fish and chips taste better at the beach, and PIRATE needs
his daily swim.
SANDY
It’s January for God’s sake! I would rather have had dinner at home! All this mucking about because of the dog.
PIRATE
Pirate is busy swimming around in the water. SOPHIE is eating her fish and chips ravenously, with gusto.
SOPHIE
It’s a balmy 10 degrees, I am going in for a splash about with Pirate, soon as I have finished my delish fish and chips just look at him, he’s having a lovely time. Pirate is magnificent, strong, and powerful I love watching him enjoy himself.
Really, Sandy, we have to talk it’s me, not you.
SANDY wraps up his fish and chips, not eating, and places them on the beach blanket. Sulking.
SANDY
Turns to Sophie, and uses an authoritative tone of voice.
You know Sophie, I am not at all keen on having this arrangement JAMES has left us in a sticky spot. I mean really Pirate is too much responsibility at our age. And let’s not forget some of the strings James attached.
SOPHIE
I am going in the water with him as soon as I have finished my yummy fish and chips. And I don’t think you are listening, again!
SANDY
I’ve lost my appetite. I’m tired. I could hardly sleep a wink. Pirate snores. When he jumped on the bed this morning, I just about had a heart attack, a giant dog face in my face first thing in the morning. Ughh. Dog breath!
SOPHIE
Practically all the people on the island know him and love him. What’s wrong with taking care of Pirate? I going to keep him no matter what you say. I’ll get a California King size bed, no problem.
SANDY
Did you see all the drool he shakes off, it’s revolting. He needs to wear a bib. It will be all over the walls of my little house. He practically fills the hallway, and the living room carpet, there’s nowhere to move!
SOPHIE
That’s why James left us his farm. It’s much bigger. Pirate will enjoy being in his old haunt. I can’t wait, the farm is an exciting move. I already started clearing out the cupboards and I forgot to mention that I have a moving van ordered.
SANDY
Gets up and starts to fold the chairs. Sophie unties the red balloon. Sandy is speaking in a whiny tone of voice.
Sophie, you know I’m no good with big changes. I like our life the way it is. We are a pair of old crocks, how much time and energy do we have to take on Pirate and do all the other things James asked us to do in his will
SOPHIE
Stands, using a confrontational tone of voice. Hands-on her hips.
You like our life the way it is, do you? Meaning playing cards on Wednesday, watching Coronation Street, and sticking to your rules about not having anyone over for dinner? No foreign food, and what about sex? I don’t know what you are really afraid of Sandy, do you?
SANDY
Sandy picks up the package of fish and chips.
SOPHIE
Sophie takes them roughly away from him.
SANDY
This conversation is impossible. I can’t eat these blasted fish and chips with sand all over them, this bloody dog nonsense has got me all wound up. The dam sand is getting in my dentures!
SOPHIE
It’s you who is impossible. We have been live-in lovers for what 10 years now. Time to shake things up before I go senile from boredom! I am moving to the farm with Pirate. And sod your gross detures! If you take them out here, I will bloody well throw them to the dog!
SANDY
My dear you are 65 next month, be realistic. You aren’t going to find another man, especially not with that mutt hanging around.
SOPHIE
I’ll look for a new lover online, why not? Some passion would be rather nice! And I am bored to death of with life the way it is, what a dreary prospect. And I have the advantage of having all my own teeth! Old man yourself!
SANDY
Sophie, are you leaving me for a dog? A drooling, farting fur on everything dog. You have really lost it this time.
SOPHIE
Yes, I’m leaving you for a life with Pirate, moving to the farm, and continuing James’ work with homeless youth. Stay comfortable Sandy We have had a good 10 years but the zip has zapped, the fire has fizzled. If I am afraid of anything, it’s dying of boredom. Sorry, it’s really me, not you. Pirate, would you like Sandy’s fish and chips?
Sophie gives the fish and chips to a ravenous Pirate.
SANDY
You are a stupid old woman! You know nothing about farming, or what in heaven are you going to do with homeless drug-addled, wild teenagers! How are you going to manage all this? You’ve gone round the bend, perhaps you are going demented Sophie, you know radio rental, mental, gone doolally,
What exactly do you think you are doing? Did you know there’s James’s pet cow up at the farm? Do you even know how to milk a cow? Of course not. What are you going to do when the little darlings nick the silver to buy drugs?
SOPHIE
You are being ridiculous. Besides, James has left an instructional manual of what to do. I’ll figure it out, learn by the seat of my pants. Besides, I was getting very depressed, I have felt so much better since Pirate came to stay., happy! It’s no good Sandy. I am going to the farm. It will be a grand adventure.
SANDY
You are lying to yourself. You are going to make a mess of it, and don’t come crying to me for help, I’m not at all interested! And you Sophie are off your trolley! This is all because you haven’t had an acting job in the last five years.! You think you are washed up. Well, maybe you are. A bloody dog will not solve that! Or a cow, or druggie teenagers!
SOPHIE
That’s Ok Sandy. Simmer down. You stay here, in YOUR little house, and I will take care of James’ estate. I am totally confident I can do it. You obviously cannot.
SANDY
Does this mean I don’t get any of the money?
EXT. BEACH/SUNSET
SOPHIE
Ignores Sandy, throws off her beach dress and runs into the shallows with her red balloon, and plays with Pirate.
MUSIC UP
PLAYING IN THE WAVES
HIP HOP BEAT LYRICS Anna HARPER
-
Hi Anna,
Here are my thoughts for your opening pages:
The set-up with the teen, Bill, is very intense and certainly gets our attention! (You might want to reference him as a teen up-front so we know who we are ‘seeing’ slumped in the alley). And because it is so intense, when we get to the beach scene I feel a disconnect, which could be clarified for me by either (1) Have a GRAPHIC before the beach that states something like: “THREE MONTHS EARLIER” – if in fact the alley happens later…. -OR- I think Sophie needs to reference it specifically. For instance, saying, “I was really moved by witnessing Bill’s overdose” or something that reconnects us back to that event.
I believe you set up both your main characters really well and we get a full sense of who they are and what they think they want from life, and that these are very different things. So well done there!
There is definite mystery surrounding James and his will and how Pirate factors into all that, so I definitely want to know more, and all of those references propel me forward, for sure.
Here’s one really small note: For those of us who are non-Brits and don’t know the show ‘Coronation Street’ perhaps Sophie can call it boring (or whatever adjective is true) so we have context!
I’m assuming that the Inciting Incident is Sophie’s decision to move out to the farm without Sandy, which sets us on the whole adventure. Unless you consider that your twist? So your pages do seem to meet the criteria of opening; twist (inheriting the dog); inciting incident; and we know what the story’s about – more or less…. only because we certainly don’t know of Pirate’s healing super powers yet. Perhaps there’s a way to show that on the beach?
Maybe Pirate helps flip a stranded crab back to rights? Or pulls a toddler from on oncoming wave before it can be tumbled? Or some other pointer to the dog’s special gifts?
Hope some of these thoughts help!
Cheers!
Anita
-
Hi Anna,
Are you interested in exchanging? Let me know.
Thanks,
Michael
-
Hey Anna!
Want to exchange feedback?
-
-
June Fortunato Ready for a critique of Retirement Day 6 of openings
I’ve word-smithed.
Retirement: two protagonists- two sets of the first three criteria and page numbers:
Roy
Page 1-2 Roy is locked out this is the inciting incident. He seeks a permanent place to retire.
Page 2 Twist: Suzy discovered that he’s a war hero
Page 4 Twist: Roy steals a van and wrecks it to get into prison
Page 7 Twist: Roy decides that prison is not a good option, so he gets himself beat up to go to a hospital
Page 9: Twist: Suzy works at the hospital and he was beaten near death
Page 10: Kim, the second protagonist, is introduced. She appears to be homeless.
Page 11- Twist: Suzy owns a house. Her brother and sister in law kicked her out.
Page 12: Inciting incident: Kim is thrown down the staircase
Page 12: Twist Kim’s brother and sister in law stole Kim’s inheritance and now they intend to get her committed so that they can steal her half of the house.
The story:
In the hospital, Roy must change his lifestyle- Kim and Roy meet and it’s instant kismet. Roy
gets a lawyer and he repays his debts, but the court orders him to find a permanent house or be assigned a financial guardian. Kim’s brother and sister in law try to throw Kim into an asylum so Roy helps her to escape. Kim “borrows” a car and then inadvertently causes Marilyn to have an accident. Roy and Kim find each other and hang out together and grow close. Kim triggers Roy’s PTSD, and they split. Kim works on stopping her brother by anonymously by sending proof of their theft. (also of a bank) Roy and Kim meet up again and work together to defeat Kim’s foes.
The first Ten Pages
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.)
Fugazi. Moron. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. We swore a blood oath.
JOE (V.O.) Blood?! You got that right. We’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60’s, could charm the frown off of a church lady despite his scruffiness and nervous energy. He tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT It’s dark. Fire’s gone out. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, and scooches himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes, neatly folded, are
on a counter. He knows what to do. He drags the fridge to retrieve his hidden; ragged military pouch. Inside: a knife, his dog-tags and something shiny with a ribbon; wrapped in a bloody bandana. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.) You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, work gloves. He sets everything out. His shoes. His pouch. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around his skinny frame and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD Get out.
ROY Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD Out.
ROY Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy whistling the Beatles tune, “We Can Work It Out” through the door.
LANDLORD I’m not as patient as Nurse Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back:
ROY Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes. and runs to the beat-up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turn over, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – MORNING – CONTINUOUS The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of beard clippings on the floor.
INT./EXT. – VAN – CONTINUOUS Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces
the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges this maniac; swerves and pulls over.
ROY Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY That’s the plan! Free room and board comin’ in from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
EXT./INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY – CONTINUOUS He swerves into a cordoned off wall of a PIGGLY WIGGLY and jumps into the back of the van just before he slams into the building.
Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo hut in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
Roy slides back into the driver’s seat as The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – and PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him – The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out – GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY Officer, Officers, a man needs his java-bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes – I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam.
Two officers approach. Roy puts his hands up.
ROY Hell, you’re just a young pup. Pop that zit, son. So where do I get my coffee?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL – EARLY AFTERNOON THREE MEN, strung-out and jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at Tyrone. The other two, A SKANKY guy and a BUTTROTTEN DUDE also in withdrawal, are agitated, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE (to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE (to the kid) Where’d you stash it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. No drugs!
ROY You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (to Pukeface) Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy) I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY I took a car, too.
TYRONE You did?
ROY Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE Tik tok.
ROY Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which is supposedly something to eat.
GUARD Shut up. Back away.
He shoves the tray in.
GUARD Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY Watch me fellas. (To Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets frenzied and starts yelling.
SKANK Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD You’re gonna eat that slop.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY (feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT (howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING A GURNEY with a bandaged and splinted Roy rolls by Suzy’s station. ATTENDANT TIM taps on Suzy’s desk, drops a MANILLA file onto it and as he pushes past and into a room:
ATTENDANT TIM Broken rib. Trauma to the kidney. Dislocated shoulder. Old guy.
Suzy nods.
ATTENDANT TIM Stinks, too. Suzy stands, picks up the file, opens it as she walks. The name stops her short, and she stares into the room from the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Tim settles Roy – He fastens a restraint between the bed and Roy, moves the IV pole and shows Roy how to work the bed and hit the call button. Suzy enters.
SUZY One day, Roy. One!
ROY Babydoll!
He coughs and can’t get a breath. She takes his temperature.
SUZY Don’t test me. (To Tim) I know him. The last thing this man is, is a flight risk.
Tim looks at her.
He doesn’t need those.
Tim is not sure.
SUZY Really.
Tim removes the restraints and leaves. Suzy inserts a port and hooks up the IV line with fluids. Then she reads the thermometer.
ROY I love it when you touch me.
She ignores him.
SUZY You’re running a fever.
ROY My Suzy Q makes me hot.
He gets an internal jab and moans. She checks his chart again.
SUZY Knock it off. Behave or I’ll have you transferred. Doc will be in to see you.
She writes on the chart, and as she’s leaving:
ROY I’m starving.
She halts. Turns to a cabinet, unlocks it and takes out an Ensure type drink, and crackers – opens everything for him and heads for the exit.
ROY You’re my Joan of Arc.
SUZY And you’re in a heap of trouble, Roy. Meds will kick in soon.
As she exits.
SUZY And don’t move. That rib can puncture your heart.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Suzy strides out and her “No BS” demeanor dissolves. Worry, frustration and empathy tear at her. She flips through Roy’s narrative/chart and makes a decision.
INT. / EXT. BUS – NIGHT KIM, 60s. Her zen veneer masks her gyrating emotions. She’s a waiting tiger – a fighter with a hit-and-run approach. Her vocal self-talk demonstrates years of therapy. Holding TRAVEL BAGS, Kim speaks aloud throughout the bus ride to no-one in particular. When they pretend not to hear, she proclaims even louder, and looks at them to get their attention.
KIM Yes, I’m coming. Yes, I have a right to be there. You know I’m right.
She tugs the stop-cord and the bus pulls over to a remote area on the edge of a very dark park. A lone house with a light on inside. As she exits:
KIM I’m fine. I’m good. Don’t worry about me.
EXT. COTTAGE – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Kim circles the house. She sits in the garden facing the lit window and lights a cigarette. Kim’s words turn into a chant.
KIM I am strong. I belong. You can’t stop me. I will survive.
A woman, INGRID, 30s, society snotty, yanks the blind open and glares out. Then a man, 60s, BRIAN, comb over, a spineless Dweeb, joins the woman. Kim sees them staring.
KIM This is mine. Mine.
Kim gets up and goes to the door. Before she can knock, Ingrid has swung the door open.
INGRID Stupid cow.
BRIAN Kim, just leave. Don’t start this.
KIM Hi Brian.
-
Hey June!
Here are my notes!
_______
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.)
Fugazi. Moron. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. We swore a blood oath.
JOE (V.O.) Blood?! You got that right. We’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
[NOTE: The only things that are connecting this part to the Vietnam War and its horrors that affect Roy is the year 1972 and the word “jungle” in Joe’s line. It just feels vague and weak, and doesn’t really tie us to the Roy we see in the following scene. Maybe instead of a black screen we see the torment Roy goes through, or at least hear the worst day ever from his ventures. What does “fugazi” sound like when it really hits the fan at 200 miles per hour? This would create a strong contrast between the young, just-lost-his-innocence Roy and the mature, charming his way out of every situation Roy in the following scene.]
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60’s, could charm the frown off of a church lady despite his scruffiness and nervous energy. He tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
[NOTE: Nice first line. Roy immediately establishes himself as a unique character.]
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
[NOTE: Again, he’s interesting. And the setup with the “you think I am lazy” “won’t you let me come home” gives us two quick story questions – Will he get inside? Who’s Suzy to Roy?]
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
[NOTE: Another character moment. He takes and manipulates. Will Suzy fall for it?]
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
[NOTE: A humorous shift.]
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
[NOTE: Good transition. We go from obnoxious, to feigned sweetness, to humor, to humility. We’re not sure yet who the real Roy is, but we’re getting a god picture.]
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
[NOTE: Good addition of it being cold and Roy feeling it. It gives us something to empathize with. Most of us know what it’s like to be caught out in the elements, and so we at least know we want Roy to have shelter.]
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of the first page. We have a conclusion, at least for now. Roy didn’t get in. Either Suzy’s not home, or whatever Roy did was bad enough that she’d rather leave him out in the cold rather than let him inside. I do wonder if there’s a twist or action that reveals a little more of the kind of survivor Roy is. I mean, I get that he lights a fire in the grill, but any of us would and could do that. What’s something that would make Roy stand out on the first page in a big way. What if we skip the fire and go straight to smashing his mug through the window, or if Roy takes out a switchblade and shimmies the door or a window open, or if Roy already had a fire going and dinner cooking, but he was keeping that hidden because the goal of getting inside is the real prize?]
______
ON THE TWIST…
The first four pages are full of twists and turns and sell the story well. We go from Roy finding his way into an abandoned rental on the first page, getting an idea of the kind of man he is (damaged, possibly FUBAR) on the second, a rising conflict with the landlord, and a car chase on the fourth page. Other than the notes I gave on that first page, the remaining pages are a great setup for your story. I’m personally not a fan of the prison scene. It’s too grotesque for my liking, but a producer may think differently. I do think with how little the prison scene affects the rest of the narrative, getting that scene down to one page will help keep the pace of your opening rocketing through the hospital, then to the trial. Speaking of which…
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
“By page 10, we know what the story is about” I feel like that moment is when the judge tells Roy to accept his benefits within a limited timeframe. Kim is an important part of the story, but I don’t know if she helps sell the first 10 pages like Roy’s story does. There’s too much mystery surrounding her in the beginning. I’m not sure of the exact scenes that follow these first ten pages, as it’s been a while since I’ve reviewed your outline and I expect some elements of your script have changed since then. I would look at kicking off Roy’s trial after the hospital scene, and cut where you can in the prison house if needed to make room.
_______
I didn’t want to overwhelm you with too many notes. Let me know if you want me to review in more detail or page by page. I figured I’d go with this format, considering Hal’s instructions for critiquing, and I’ll add more notes as requested. There’s a lot of great stuff here for your first ten pages!
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Excellent notes, Cameron. Thank you. I added the beginning mostly to show that the dates are correct, and that Roy is older but not in his 70s. I’m grateful to get feedback that it doesn’t quite fit and it doesn’t pay off until very late in the script. I was worried about that. I also think you’re right about the prison scene- make it shorter- and some of your other notes. I’m looking forward to reading your scenes. June
-
-
For June:
Let me say – A pleasure to read, and I think you hit all the earmarks set before us as basic structure requirements for opening pages. As always, I enjoy your turns of phrase like Roy being able to “charm a frown off a church lady”. Roy, in particular is such a well-developed character.
So – starting with him and Joe in disembodied V.O. over black leaves me wanting more. I would love to see young, un-scarred Roy with his buddy on-screen. Actually SEEING them would cause the contrast of his later battle-scarred self to be that much more impactful.
The entire set-up of Roy at the abandoned house is a perfect back-drop for your character.
And then we get to the jail. I remember reading this scene before, and I have the same reaction now as I did then: Why?
I don’t think we will see these wretched characters again in your story, do we? So why introduce them? (Or why subject me, the reader, to your all too colorful bodily fluid descriptions?) What is the purpose of this scene? Is it to show the ‘caring’ side of Roy as he tries to help Tyrone. If so, you don’t need all the gross to do this. If your motivation for Roy is to get himself thrown in the hospital where food and ‘housing’ are better – then just have him crash into the Piggly Wiggley so that he gets injured. Just saying that I find it all too much of a distraction from your characters and their stories.
You do a marvelous job of introducing me to Roy and later, Kim. You describe them deliciously. But you give me nothing when introducing Suzy. Age? Physical attributes? Interior motivators? Back-story?
The pages hook me. I want more!
I hope my feedback is helpful to you in some way.
Best!
-Anita
-
Thank you, Anita. Much to mull over about the jail scene. Roy’s first plan is to go to jail but the food sucks. His second plan is to go to the hospital- which he thinks will be more temporary. But you’re not the first to think the jail scene is not quite right- so in this upcoming first draft module, I’ll figure out how to make it shorter. And maybe less grody. I’ll also think about actually seeing Joe and Roy. I hadn’t intended for them to be identified- as they don’t call each other by name and are voices over black.
Thanks for the good things to think about and for the encouragement. cheers, June
-
-
-
Thank you Lisa! good notes. Really impressed by your line by line crit!!
some of your Qs are answered in the next scene.. and as the film goes along but I’ll make sure they are!l’ll have a look at yours later today 🙂
-
Matthew Frendo’s Ready for Critique!
LOGLINE: After the judicial system is switched to social media voting, a group of z-list influencers and offbeat outcasts must try to survive the monster hunt, as the audience votes on the creatures sent in to kill them.
INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT
HALLWAY
The place is trashed, with dead bodies on the ground mixed in with garbage and overall griminess. Messy gang graffiti lines the walls. What is this hellhole?
BLAM! A man comes crashing out of a door on one side of the hallway, out of breath. This is PACO, a hulking menace covered in tattoos, carrying a baseball bat with a spike in it. He collapses against the wall, exhausted.
CLICK. Then, out of the other door, stumbles SPENCER. He’s even bigger than Paco, with a military-cut and an aura of viciousness. He tightly grips a rusty chain like it’s a massive rosary for the damned.
Did I mention both were covered in blood? And I mean head-to-toe covered. It’s even in their eyes and hair.
The two look at each other and lock eyes.
HOST (V.O.)
Here we are, folks. The final moment of final moments has come upon us.
INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT
The HOST (50’s), in a fancy Armani suit and oozing charisma, is the only thing illuminated on an all-black stage. He speaks in a terse whisper to the hidden audience.
HOST
The two most vicious and bloodthirsty murderers left in the world are about to meet up for the last time. Both gangs have been annihilated in the just ten minutes. They’re all that’s left of the world’s prison population. And we’re watching their brutal end with our very eyes.
INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT
PACO and SPENCER step up to each other. They look each other up and down–then Paco breaks down into hysterical tears.
PACO
I don’t want to die like this, man! Charlie had his fucking intestines ripped out by that thing…
(NOTE: THIS IS THE END OF PAGE 1)
He shudders. Spencer starts quivering.
SPENCER
This isn’t fair. Nothing we did deserves this.
PACO
Fuck, ain’t nothing could deserve this shit!
SPENCER
I just want to go home.
PACO
Maybe if we find a good enough place to hide–
DING!–From the building’s elevator, down a perpendicular hallway from where they’re standing.
They both tremble in fear.
PACO
Is that–
SPENCER
It can’t be. It can’t use an elevat–
Then they hear a low, growling sound from the elevator as the door slowly opens, enveloped in darkness.
All we make out is a massive, dark shape…and bright yellow eyes. It growls louder and just watches.
It almost sounds like it’s laughing at them.
They stand, frozen. Spencer drops the chain absentmindedly.
SPENCER
It’s too late.
PACO
I’m sorry, Mom. I wish I did better.
Then–RAAAARRRRR!–the dark shape roars–
The run! Through the door Spencer came out of. The two dip down a–
SECOND HALLWAY
–slipping in blood as they go.
Paco tries a door. It’s locked. Spencer tries another. Locked too.
PACO
Fuck! One of these gotta be open!
ROARRRR! GRRRR!
The beast gets closer and the two sprint as fast as they can down the hall. The beast speeds up after them.
SPENCER
Where we gonna–
CHOMP! The beast is so fast that we don’t see it…but we do see Spencer’s body fly past us–completely torn apart.
Paco gets to a wall and there’s nowhere to go.
He turns around. His tattooed eyes cry profusely as he shakes his head.
He looks at a video camera on the wall.
SPENCER
Please! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
The beast is now getting closer, walking slowly towards him.
He cries, eyes pleading for mercy. Then he hardens up and–
WHAM! Rams the nail in his bat right into his own forehead. Blood trickles down as the body crumples to the ground.
HOST (V.O.)
And stop there.
INT. PRODUCTION ROOM – DAY
The same Host from before stands in a production room, next to the editors. The Host points to the screen.
HOST
We cut to the intro and then live on me.
EDITOR #1
(smiling)
Last year was so gruesome.
HOST
Exactly. Whet their appetite for what come’s next.
EDITOR #2
Won’t that just put pressure on us to bring on even more carnage this time?
HOST
Oh yea of little faith, have I ever let you down? Now, how are the players looking this year?
INT. BIKER BAR – DAY
SINCLAIR (50’s) is a hard looking biker. He takes a shot and sees the wristband he’s wearing starts flashing colors.
SINCLAIR
Fuck me.
He watches in the upper mirror as the authorities slowly approach. As they get close–
SMASH! He bashes one over the head with a bottle. WHAM! He slams another’s head into the bar. BAM! He headbutts another.
More men enter and try to take him down. He throws them off and is about to run when–
BZZZ! He’s tased and falls to the ground shaking.
INT. JOSH’S ROOM – DAY
JOSH (30’s), overweight and bespectacled, sits at a desk messy with food wrappers, pot and books. He finishes typing something out on his computer, then he talks to his webcam.
JOSH
This bitch made my life hell all through high school. All I had to do was hack into her phone, her boyfriend’s phone and her mother’s work computer and I found something that will get her canceled for sure–
BOOM! He hears a door bust open and people come in upstairs. His face goes white.
JOSH
No, no…it can’t be. It’s just a joke!
He sees his armband blinking and covers it as they enter. He tries the Jedi Mind Trick.
JOSH
Umm…you’re looking for someone else–
BAM! He push him down hard and drag him out.
INT. PRODUCTION ROOM – DAY
The editor types and a list of people with pictures and tallies comes onto the screen.
EDITOR #1
This is the voting we have so far. It seems–
HOST
Take the top one out. Too pretty.
EDITOR #2
I thought we said it’d vote based?
HOST
No one rich or model pretty. Remember, this is the first time in history non-criminals are being voted on. And we need to make certain the visuals represent our ideals.
ALEX (O.S.)
I’m still not sold on this being a good idea. Using regular people–
HOST
Not regular people. Bad people. Useless people. And maybe even some annoying people. Is the world really going to miss one more shitty, wannabe singer on TikTok?
EXT. KRISTEN’S CHURCH – DAY
KRISTEN (early 20’s) comes out of a church, guitar in hand, to a group of adoring fans.
KRISTEN
Oh my Gosh, you guys are so sweet. I am truly blessed with–
Then they erupt. She looks behind her and sees DIVINE (20’s, female) come out. She looks like a model. All the fans rush by Kristen to see her.
KRISTEN
Seriously?! She uses autotune!
Kristen turns to storm off, and finds herself surrounded by the authorities. She turns white.
KRISTEN
Umm…you have the wrong person?
Her wristband blinks. They grab her and lift her up, carrying her to their car.
KRISTEN
But God wouldn’t do this to me! Please! Someone help! Someone help!
The shove her in a car.
KRISTEN
(muffled in car)
Someone! Help me! Look over–
Her voice trails as it drives away, no one even noticing.
INT. SUNSHINE HOSPITAL – DAY
NICK (20’s-30’s) is looking out the window of the hospital. Then he sees a van pull into the parking lot.
NICK
Oh shit, it’s happening now.
He quickly starts to run down the hall…but sees authorities are already there. He looks down the other hall and they’re there too.
NICK
Just let me say goodbye.
They impassively stare at him. He runs.
They grab him and tackle him.
NICK
Just let me say goodbye! Sylvia! Sylvia!
They drag him off screaming, then stick a needle in his arm and he goes limp.
INT. PRODUCTION ROOM – DAY
The Host and Alex are still at the editing bay.
ALEX
We literally have no crime left. You succeeded! I get the whole keeping them in line with fear thing–
The Host scoffs.
HOST
Oh, such a naive child.
ALEX
Don’t be patronizing to–
HOST
You’re just regurgitating the plot to every bad sci-fi movie you’ve seen. The goal isn’t to quell unrest or force them to do our bidding. It’s much simpler than that.
(a beat)
It’s to give them an enemy.
INT. DRUG HOUSE – DAY
JOCELYN (late 30’s, early 40’s), is punk rock through and through. She sits in a maggot-filled drug house drinking bourbon and doing lines.
BANG! BANG!–loud knock at the door.
JOCELYN
Fuck off! This is all for me!
BANG! BANG!–more knocking.
JOCELYN
Are you deaf, you piece of shit motherfucker?! Leave!
Then the door busts in and authorities enter.
JOCELYN
Oh, shit!
She throws a weak punch that goes nowhere. WHAM! They smash her in the face, then drag her unconscious body out.
INT. STAN’S APARTMENT – DAY
STAN (30’s) is asleep in a haze filled apartment, bong next to him.
The door opens and the authorities come in. They stand above him as he sleeps. He groggily wakes up and looks confused.
STAN
Am I on acid?
WHAM! One slams their baton into his stomach.
INT. PRODUCTION ROOM – DAY
The Host looks over at Alex.
HOST
You know what you’re problem is, Alex. You’re one of the big brother 1984 people.
The Host starts walking through the production area, Alex following and trying to keep up.
ALEX
I have no idea what that–
HOST
Of course you don’t. See, most people read 1984 and think that it shows a government ruling by surveillance. But the truth is that surveillance isn’t a means, it’s an end. It didn’t give them power, it was the outcome of power.
ALEX
I still don’t==
The Host stops and turns back to Alex.
HOST
It was two-minutes hate. That gave the government the power. The ability to control a populace’s emotions, to control their anger and their hate. If you control their hate…well, once you control that, you control everything. And that’s why this is important. It gives them something to hate, so that they don’t hate us.
INT. ALICIA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
CLOSET
BANG! We hear the authorities pounding the apartment door.
ALICIA (30), whose strength and fierceness is only softened by her regal beauty, finishes putting the flashing bracelet on her bloody wrist, flinching from the pain.
She looks at AIDEN’s (10) non-flashing, bloody wristband and sees that he’s crying. Aiden is a special needs child.
ALICIA
I know it hurts buddy, but it’s the only way.
AIDEN
I don’t care about that.
She turns to him, giving him all of her attention, trying to hold back her tears.
ALICIA
What is it?
He shrugs.
AIDEN
I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to be alone with her.
ALICIA
Don’t worry. Mom will–
AIDEN
She said she’s not my mom. That she’s ashamed of me. That I should call her Carole from now on.
ALICIA
(muttering)
That fucking bitch.
(back to Aiden)
Sorry. Don’t repeat that.
He looks at her, pleading.
AIDEN
How am I going to make it without you?
ALICIA
I’ll always be with you. Look…
She looks around, but sees she has nothing to give him. She looks at her shirt and sees two buttons are stained with blood from her wrist.
She pulls them off of the shirt, takes a few strands of fabric and quickly makes two necklaces out of it.
ALICIA
You take one and I’ll take the other. That way, you’ll always have some of me, through my blood, and I’ll always have some of you. And when we can’t handle the pain, we can use this to get that strength from each other.
She gingerly puts it around his neck.
AIDEN
What if you…don’t come back? No one ever comes back.
Alicia forces a smile, holding back her tears.
ALICIA
I–
WHAM! The apartment door is busted in.
ALICIA
We have no time. Be strong. I love you.
She walks out of the closet like nothing is happening.
ALICIA
Sorry. Didn’t hear you there. Ready to go?
They just stare, not sure what to make of her willingness.
She walks with them, giving a crying Aiden one last smile.
INT. PRODUCTION ROOM – DAY
The Host and Alex are back at the editing station.
HOST
Let’s see what beast our lovely voters have picked this year.
The editor hits a button. Alex stares, shocked.
ALEX
Is that–
EDITOR #1
The beast, the myth, the legend.
ALEX
He looks so–
EDITOR #2
Evil? The science team has made big leaps in bioengineering this year.
The Host smiles gleefully.
HOST
God, I love science! Oh, these little shits have no idea what’s coming.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Matthew Frendo.
-
Hey Matthew!
Want to exchange feedback?
-
Hell yeah! Let’s do it.
-
Hey Matthew!
Here are my notes!
_______
INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT
HALLWAY
The place is trashed, with dead bodies on the ground mixed in with garbage and overall griminess. Messy gang graffiti lines the walls. What is this hellhole?
[NOTE: Great opening shot to set the tone – literal hell – followed by the question, “What is this hellhole?” It can be tightened up just a bit, like “The place screams TRASHED – dead bodies swim in garbage and grime as graffiti mocks them from the walls.” It’s the same visual information communicated just a tad faster and with more attitude. What you have already is good. Look for opportunities to edit and add character (like the emotion just smacks) for when you get to word smithing.]
BLAM! A man comes crashing out of a door on one side of the hallway, out of breath. This is PACO, a hulking menace covered in tattoos, carrying a baseball bat with a spike in it. He collapses against the wall, exhausted.
[NOTE: Again, you’ve got a great visual here. The sound effect is great; grabs our attention right away, just like if we were watching it. Just tighten the paragraph up. “A man CRASHES through a door…SMACK against the wall. Can’t catch his breath.”]
CLICK. Then, out of the other door, stumbles SPENCER. He’s even bigger than Paco, with a military-cut and an aura of viciousness. He tightly grips a rusty chain like it’s a massive rosary for the damned.
[NOTE: Rosary for the damned is beautiful. I won’t repeat the same note for tightening up the descriptions. Just avoid adverbs at all costs. They’re a waste of page space when you can add a different verb, noun, metaphor, etc. to communicate the same information with more visceral clarity.]
Did I mention both were covered in blood? And I mean head-to-toe covered. It’s even in their eyes and hair.
[NOTE: I dig it. The fourth wall break adds some personality to your script.]
The two look at each other and lock eyes.
HOST (V.O.)
Here we are, folks. The final moment of final moments has come upon us.
INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT
The HOST (50’s), in a fancy Armani suit and oozing charisma, is the only thing illuminated on an all-black stage. He speaks in a terse whisper to the hidden audience.
HOST
The two most vicious and bloodthirsty murderers left in the world are about to meet up for the last time. Both gangs have been annihilated in the just ten minutes. They’re all that’s left of the world’s prison population. And we’re watching their brutal end with our very eyes.
[NOTE: Typo with “annihilated in the just…”. It’s a decent setup for these men are and the context surrounding them. It’s what any sports announcer would do. Anything you could do to create a relationship between Paco and Spencer would elevate it. You see this all the time in sports (just refer to literally every game Nick Saban plays an assistant, or two rivals). Otherwise, this is solid.]
INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT
PACO and SPENCER step up to each other. They look each other up and down–then Paco breaks down into hysterical tears.
PACO
I don’t want to die like this, man! Charlie had his fucking intestines ripped out by that thing…
[NOTE: Good conclusion for the first page. Good twist to have us consider something we haven’t seen yet beyond the Host and the two contestants. We know based on the Host’s previous commentary that Paco is or was a stone cold killer, which makes his complete breakdown more impactful.]
(NOTE: THIS IS THE END OF PAGE 1)
[NOTE: Thanks for the heads up! I’ll be sure to apply this same strategy to my V.2. This is a strong first page. tightening up the writing and having the announcer focus more on Paco and Spencer (like what a WWE announcer would do) will take it to a whole new level.]
_______
ON THE TWIST…
Your first three pages have a lot of twists and turns, revealing more little by little. It’s slowed down a bit with the multitude of character introductions, even though a couple of them do provide some nice twists of their own, such as Josh’s intro. Taking us from legal criminals to social criminals feels so real it’s scary in its own right.
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
I love that the emphasis isn’t on eliminating criminals anymore. It immediately distinguishes your story from others like GAMER and DEATHRACE. The reasoning behind contestants being voted in is fantastic and poignant.
ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…
Great transitions from one hallway to the next, and answering the Host’s question about new “players” by cutting to the players. Efficient writing is script worthy writing.
Spencer begs for mercy after being bitten in half. Pretty sure it’s Paco pleading for his life.
The Host’s politics are frightening. Divide and conquer taken to its most extreme, and sets up your story and ending perfectly.
The shared necklace and implied blood oath is a great touch. You tell us she’s taking his place without the spectacle, which does make this read different than THE HUNGER GAMES.
Nice setup overall. We have a clear direction of where we’re going. I’m fifty-fifty on the amount of intros for each character. On one hand, each is essential for tying us to the character. On the other hand, it risks slowing the pace of events down to a crawl. I think Alicia deserves every second of her intro. I’m not sure yet on the others. If you can communicate what makes each contestant unique with a quick visual so their respective intro takes up less than half a page for each, that may reduce the risk of the ride stalling. It’s something to consider. You don’t want a producer wondering when the story’ll pick back up.
This is a great opener. I can see some of the Horror class influences with the way the monsters (literal, societal, and human) are all revealed so slowly but relentlessly. I’m eager to read more!
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
-
-
Critique for Matthew!
Hello Matthew! I totally enjoyed reading it
LOGLINE: After the judicial system is switched to social media voting, a group of z-list influencers and offbeat outcasts must try to survive the monster hunt, as the audience votes on the creatures sent in to kill them.
ITS GOOD LOGLINE, MAYBE MORE ABOUT ALICIA
INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT
HALLWAY
The place is trashed, with dead bodies on the ground mixed in with garbage and overall griminess. Messy gang graffiti lines the walls. What is this hellhole?
NICE SET, ENGAGING
BLAM! A man comes crashing out of a door on one side of the hallway, out of breath. This is PACO, a hulking menace covered in tattoos, carrying a baseball bat with a spike in it. He collapses against the wall, exhausted.
FEELS LIKE ALREADY THE TWIST
CLICK. Then, out of the other door, stumbles SPENCER. He’s even bigger than Paco, with a military-cut and an aura of viciousness. He tightly grips a rusty chain like it’s a massive rosary for the damned.
ONE MORE TWIST! I AS IF SEE THIS ON SCREEN!
Did I mention both were covered in blood? And I mean head-to-toe covered. It’s even in their eyes and hair.
The two look at each other and lock eyes.
WELL DONE! DOESNT FEEL LIKE THEY ARE TO FIGHT EACH OTHER
HOST (V.O.)
Here we are, folks. The final moment of final moments has come upon us.
SCENE TRANSITION! QUITE SUITABLE
INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT
The HOST (50’s), in a fancy Armani suit and oozing charisma, is the only thing illuminated on an all-black stage. He speaks in a terse whisper to the hidden audience.
WE UNDERSTAND, WE ARE AT ‘HUNGER GAMES’ LIKE SETTING
HOST
The two most vicious and bloodthirsty murderers left in the world are about to meet up for the last time. Both gangs have been annihilated in the just ten minutes. They’re all that’s left of the world’s prison population. And we’re watching their brutal end with our very eyes.
THIS MAKES IT CLEAR, IF WE DIDNT GET ALL CLUES PRIOR
INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT
PACO and SPENCER step up to each other. They look each other up and down–then Paco breaks down into hysterical tears.
GOOD CONTRAST, WELL PACKED IN FEW WORDS
PACO
I don’t want to die like this, man! Charlie had his fucking intestines ripped out by that thing…
PREPARES US FOR WHAT WE ARE TO WATCH
(NOTE: THIS IS THE END OF PAGE 1)
He shudders. Spencer starts quivering.
SPENCER
This isn’t fair. Nothing we did deserves this.
PACO
Fuck, ain’t nothing could deserve this shit!
AGAIN, NICE CONTRAST! “BAD GUYS” TALK JUSTICE
SPENCER
I just want to go home.
PACO
Maybe if we find a good enough place to hide–
DING!–From the building’s elevator, down a perpendicular hallway from where they’re standing.
They both tremble in fear.
PACO
Is that–
SPENCER
It can’t be. It can’t use an elevat–
Then they hear a low, growling sound from the elevator as the door slowly opens, enveloped in darkness.
WELL PLAYED, BUT DONT TERMINATE WORD IN A MIDDLE, THAT SEEMS TO ME AMATEUR’S WAY
All we make out is a massive, dark shape…and bright yellow eyes. It growls louder and just watches.
THIS SEEMS TO ME A LITTLE BIT NOT ENOUGH FOR WHAT WE EXPECTED, BUT MAYBE THAT IS NICE CONTRAST AGAIN
It almost sounds like it’s laughing at them.
They stand, frozen. Spencer drops the chain absentmindedly.
SPENCER
It’s too late.
I KNOW ITS LIKE YOU WANT, BUT THIS IS LIKE HE IS TOO QUICK TO DROP OUT OF FIGHT
PACO
I’m sorry, Mom. I wish I did better.
THIS JUSTIFIES SPENCER DROPPING RIGHT AWAY
Then–RAAAARRRRR!–the dark shape roars–
The run! Through the door Spencer came out of. The two dip down a–
SECOND HALLWAY
–slipping in blood as they go.
Paco tries a door. It’s locked. Spencer tries another. Locked too.
AGAIN, WE RATHER EXPECT ONE OF THEM FIND A WAY, LOCK ANOTHER INSIDE, BUT THAT WOULD BE RESOLUTION, AND YOU INTRODUCE US TO THE TEEM IDEA
PACO
Fuck! One of these gotta be open!
ROARRRR! GRRRR!
The beast gets closer and the two sprint as fast as they can down the hall. The beast speeds up after them.
SPENCER
Where we gonna–
CHOMP! The beast is so fast that we don’t see it…but we do see Spencer’s body fly past us–completely torn apart.
Paco gets to a wall and there’s nowhere to go.
He turns around. His tattooed eyes cry profusely as he shakes his head.
He looks at a video camera on the wall.
SPENCER
Please! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
The beast is now getting closer, walking slowly towards him.
He cries, eyes pleading for mercy. Then he hardens up and–
WHAM! Rams the nail in his bat right into his own forehead. Blood trickles down as the body crumples to the ground.
THAT WAS REAL ROUGH
HOST (V.O.)
And stop there.
INT. PRODUCTION ROOM – DAY
The same Host from before stands in a production room, next to the editors. The Host points to the screen.
HOST
We cut to the intro and then live on me.
EDITOR #1
(smiling)
Last year was so gruesome.
HOST
Exactly. Whet their appetite for what come’s next.
EDITOR #2
Won’t that just put pressure on us to bring on even more carnage this time?
HOST
Oh yea of little faith, have I ever let you down? Now, how are the players looking this year?
TWIST, is the fact they pick up not criminals, but somehow guilty people. Who been voted. I like how host says to remove first candidat, even though he been voted, as not to fall out of audience favor!
All these scenes with arrests, they are fine.
“Surveillance was not a start, it was the end!” I Like This Tremendously! ‘Control their hat, and you would control them!’ This is cool, though risky.
The way you introduce Alicia is quite fine. But one would question, would this bracelet really go off the wrist. But, that’s the story, so it must to.
Overall, very strong start. Good writing style! If this would be your original idea, and not resemblance of Hunger Games, you would be a winner. But who knows, maybe people want to see more variations of it. I would continue with writing in any case!
Regards
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
STAY TUNED FOR A V.3, AS THAT WILL BE POSTED LATER TODAY. THANKS!
Cameron Martin Ready for Critique!
Synopsis:
Following the tragedy of losing his wife, Sully has become distant with his son and paranoid about the prospect of another outbreak. The unthinkable happens, and Sully again tries to collect his Aspie son, Isaiah, to seek safety in the bunker. However, when the two fail to reach the bunker in time before it shuts, they will have to reconcile their trauma and work together to survive.
They receive some help from an old woman named Jude, who turns out to be a spy for the interstellar government known as The Hegemony, which owns the colony this story takes place in. Through Jude’s research and coverup, Sully is able to find an alternate route to the bunker. When he gets there, he discovers that the bunker is full of infected and inadvertently unleashes them through the compound. In the process of getting away, Sully accidentally gets his son infected. With time ticking, Sully is able to save his son from his infection, and reveals the information that Jude covered up to conscripted exterminators that arrive to wipe out everyone caught outside the bunker. One of the exterminators, Markus, who has seen first hand what the Hegemony is willing to do to maintain control of its citizens and now information of its own mistakes, helps Sully and Isaiah escape with the assurance that they will expose the Hegemony to more colonies. Aboard the escape craft, Sully and Isaiah rest together, side by side, waiting for safety to come to them.
_______
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.
A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH.
She dials a number on her phone…
It RINGS for an eternity.
BETH
Hello? Hello, Sully?
SULLY
(on the phone)
Beth! Where are you?
BETH
It’s in the room with me.
SULLY
What?
BETH
It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.
Anguished pause.
BETH
Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?
SULLY
Cover your mouth with a shirt and—
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH
Is our son with you?!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY
No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!
Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.
BETH
It’s our neighbor, Sul!
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY
A torrent of colonists washes down the halls in one direction.
Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, barrels through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love. Into his phone…
SULLY
I’m on my way, Beth!
His phone rings. Another call…
He’s about to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.
SULLY
I’m getting a call from Isaiah. Just hold on. I’m on my way.
He switches the caller…
SULLY
Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!
ISAIAH
(on the phone)
Dad! I’m stuck!
SULLY
No you’re not! Get up and—
ISAIAH
Come get me, please!
SULLY
Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—
ISAIAH
My teacher left me.
Sully checks his watch. The timer on it paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…
SULLY
Hold on, bud! I’m right here, okay! I’m just going to put Mommy on, okay?
No response.
SULLY
Are you shaking you head yes or no?
ISAIAH
Yes.
SULLY
Attaboy.
Sully patches Beth through to Isaiah with a vengeful glare and tears burning in his eyes.
INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT
A young boy around the age of 8, ISAIAH, sits under a desk. His hands and the phone press against his ears like a vice grip.
ISAIAH
Mommy?
BETH
(crying)
I’m here, baby.
ISAIAH
Mommy? Are you crying?
BETH
No, baby. I’m okay…I want you know…I love you.
ISAIAH
I love you, too.
BETH
Daddy’s going to be there any second now.
Isaiah nods his head.
BETH
Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?
Isaiah nods his head again.
ISAIAH
I mean, yes.
BETH
I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much.
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully jolts awake. He catches his breath as he eyes a portrait of Beth smiling, happy. Tears begin to stream from his eyes as…
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be.
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER…
The alarm clock reads 3:14.
Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM
The portrait rests next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.)
Hey, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. He’s like an albino crow, now.
SULLY’S ROOM
Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.)
Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
SULLY
He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…
Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY
We miss you.
And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING
The glitter of a sun rising trickles into the room from a window.
KZZT. KZZT. The same window reveals itself as a screen depicting an artificial world beyond the walls of the space colony with each malfunction of static.
A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now around the age of 12, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed.
An uncomfortable time passes…
Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…
Unleashing a cascade of Rube Goldberg mechanisms across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…
KITCHEN
Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—
Isaiah crumples the paper and tosses it in the trash can.
He stews…
Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM
Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers written by his dad. He closes the drawer.
CLINK.
Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH
Hold on little buddy.
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
THE TEENAGER’S ROOM
The coughing that dominated the room is supplanted by…
MOM
You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…
Sully, readying a bronchoscope.
DR. MICK
Get away from my patient!
SULLY
You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK
I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY
That was yesterday, Mickey.
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY
If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS
It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY
Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK
I’ve been with this poor boy for years!
Sully ignores his fellow physician, grabbing the gas mask to help put the poor teen to sleep.
MOM
(shoving Sully)
Get away from my son!
SULLY
Your son could kill us all if he’s infected.
MOM
He’s not infected!
SULLY
If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch!
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully grips the bridge of his nose.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully observes his boss flip through each document with such ferocity that it sounds like the kinetic blasting of an automatic gun.
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
It’s based on—
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
SULLY
How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER
You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER
Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY
Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER
Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.
SULLY
Sir?
MANAGER
If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.
(grabbing his desk phone)
So, what’s it going to be?
Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.
SULLY
You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy.
The Manager smiles, glee with victory.
SULLY
But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.
MANAGER
Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, Sul, I don’t think you understand.
He begins dialing…
MANAGER
This hurts me more than it does you.
The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.
MANAGER
Meeting adjourned.
Both men make a break for the door.
Manager cuts in front of Sully, pushing him aside, before standing in the door.
MANAGER
This isn’t over.
Sully’s fist nails his Manager’s jaw, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!
SULLY
(jumping over manager)
I hope you’re right.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Cameron Martin.
-
Hi Cameron, I’d like to read your pages. June
-
Sounds great! Can’t wait to read your first ten pages!
-
-
DEV’S COMMENTS – IN BOLD
OVERALL, THIS IS WORKING JUST GREAT! MY ONLY BIG COMMENT IS THAT I WASN’T SURE WHERE THE INCITING INCIDENT CAME IN. FIRST, I THOUGH IT HAPPENED ON THE FIRST PAGE AND THEN WHEN SULLY’S BOSS THREATENED HIM. NOT CLEAR TO ME. YOUR FIRST SCENE REALLY EXCELLED. GREAT LOADED IMAGERY.
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.
A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH. NICE LOADED IMAGE. VERY STRONG.
She dials a number on her phone…
It RINGS for an eternity. AGAIN, GREAT LOADED IMAGE. CAN FEEL THE URGENCY.
BETH
Hello? Hello, Sully?
SULLY
(on the phone)
Beth! Where are you?
BETH
It’s in the room with me.
SULLY
What?
BETH
It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.
Anguished pause.
BETH
Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?
SULLY
Cover your mouth with a shirt and—
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH
Is our son with you?!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY
No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!
Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.
BETH
It’s our neighbor, Sul!
WOW! TERRIFIC OPENING. GREAT ACTION, GREAT TWIST AT THE END. IT’S OUR NEIGHBOR… HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT? NOW I HAVE TO READ ON! AS A ‘READER,’ TO BE SURE I WOULD! ALSO, IN THIS BRIEF SCENE, I CAN FEEL HOW MUCH SULLY LOVES HIS WIFE – AND THAT HE KEEPS AVOIDING ANSWERING HER QUESTION ABOUT THEIR SON, WHICH IS A GREAT FORESHADOWING.
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY
A torrent of colonists washes (WASH) down the halls in one direction.
Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, barrels through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love. Into his phone… GREAT DESCRIPTION USING ‘LOADED WORDS.’
SULLY
I’m on my way, Beth!
His phone rings. Another call…
He’s about to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.
SULLY
I’m getting a call from Isaiah. Just hold on. I’m on my way.
He switches the caller…
SULLY
Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!
ISAIAH
(on the phone)
Dad! I’m stuck!
SULLY
No you’re not! Get up and—
ISAIAH
Come get me, please!
SULLY
Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—
ISAIAH
My teacher left me.
Sully checks his watch. The timer on it paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…
SULLY
Hold on, bud! I’m right here, okay! I’m just going to put Mommy on, okay?
No response.
SULLY
Are you shaking you head yes or no?
ISAIAH
Yes.
SULLY
Attaboy.
Sully patches Beth through to Isaiah with a vengeful glare and tears burning in his eyes. AWKWARD FOR ME. DON’T GET THE ‘VENGEFUL GLARE.’ I’D WORK TO SHORTEN AND MAKE MORE EMOTIONAL AS WELL. “TEARS BURNING HIS EYES, SULLY PATCHES HIS WIFE THROUGH TO THEIR SON.”
INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT
A young boy around the age of 8, ISAIAH, sits under a desk. His hands and the phone press against his ears like a vice grip. BE SPECIFIC. IS ISAIAH EIGHT OR NOT?
ISAIAH
Mommy?
BETH
(crying)
I’m here, baby.
ISAIAH
Mommy? Are you crying?
BETH
No, baby. I’m okay…I want you know…I love you.
ISAIAH
I love you, too.
BETH
Daddy’s going to be there any second now.
Isaiah nods his head.
BETH
Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?
Isaiah nods his head again.
ISAIAH
I mean, yes. LOVE THAT HE SELF-CORRECTED. THIS SAYS A LOT ABOUT HIS ASPIE-NESS WITHOUT HAVING TO SAY IT.
BETH
I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much.
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully jolts awake. He catches his breath as he eyes a portrait of Beth smiling, happy. Tears begin to stream from his eyes as…
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be. AGAIN, I’D TIGHTEN DESCRIPTION. HE LAYS ON HIS SIDE OF THE BED, ALONE; A VOID WHERE HIS WIFE SHOULD BE.
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER…
The alarm clock reads 3:14.
Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM
The portrait rests next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.)
Hey, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. He’s like an albino crow, now.
SULLY’S ROOM
Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.)
Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
SULLY
He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…
Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY
We miss you.
NICE SCENE. HE’S CARRYING ON WITH HIS LIFE – BUT NOT WITHOUT HER.
And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING
The glitter of a sun rising trickles into the room from a window.
KZZT. KZZT. The same window reveals itself as a screen depicting an artificial world beyond the walls of the space colony with each malfunction of static. SUGGEST TIGHTENING THIS DESCRIPTION UP: KZZZT! THE WINDOW, DEPICTING AN ARTIFICAL WORLD BEYOND, MALFUNCTIONS.
A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now around the age of 12, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed.
An uncomfortable time passes…
Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…
Unleashing a cascade of Rube Goldberg mechanisms across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him… LOVE THIS!
KITCHEN
Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—
Isaiah crumples the paper and tosses it in the trash can.
He stews…
Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM
Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers written by his dad. He closes the drawer. GREAT TOUCH!
CLINK.
Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH
Hold on little buddy.
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all. OOH! NICE AND FORBODING!
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
THE TEENAGER’S ROOM
The coughing that dominated the room is supplanted by…
MOM
You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…
Sully, readying a bronchoscope.
DR. MICK
Get away from my patient!
SULLY
You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK
I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY
That was yesterday, Mickey.
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY
If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS
It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY
Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK
I’ve been with this poor boy for years!
Sully ignores his fellow physician, grabbing the gas mask to help put the poor teen to sleep.
MOM
(shoving Sully)
Get away from my son!
SULLY
Your son could kill us all if he’s infected.
MOM
He’s not infected!
SULLY
If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch! NICE TAKING SULLY TO THE EDGE.
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully grips the bridge of his nose.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully observes his boss flip through each document with such ferocity that it sounds like the kinetic blasting of an automatic gun. I SUGGEST TIGHTENING THIS DECRIPTION. I DON’T GET THE METAPHOR. SUGGEST: SULLY’S BOSS FLIPS THROUGH THE DOCUMENTS WITH THE ABPLOMB OF A CARD DEALER. OR?
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
It’s based on—
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
SULLY
How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER
You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER
Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY
Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER
Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.
SULLY
Sir?
MANAGER
If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.
(grabbing his desk phone)
So, what’s it going to be?
Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.
SULLY
You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy.
The Manager smiles, glee with victory.
SULLY
But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.
MANAGER
Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, Sul, I don’t think you understand.
He begins dialing…
MANAGER
This hurts me more than it does you.
The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.
MANAGER
Meeting adjourned.
Both men make a break for the door.
Manager cuts in front of Sully, pushing him aside, before standing in the door.
MANAGER
This isn’t over.
Sully’s fist nails his Manager’s jaw, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!
SULLY
(jumping over manager)
I hope you’re right.
GREAT TWIST AT END. SEEMS SULLY HAS ACQUIESED TO HIS BOSS AND THEN BAM! LIKE IT A LOT!
-
Thank you so much, Dev! Your notes are always so encouraging!
I’ve been a little torn as to what exactly could be called the inciting incident; does it technically happen before the events of the story with the Hegemony, with Beth’s death, with the alarm announcing the aliens’ return, with Sully and Isaiah being locked out of the bunker? I settled on the alarm since that’s what sends the remainder of the story in motion, and the two being locked out of the bunker is a little too demanding of me to summarize everything I need to include prior in only 9 1/2 pages.
I’ll definitely work on the vague or awkward writing. I hated rewriting my original opening, but kept repeating Hal’s mantra that when it comes to first draft material, it’s my job to write crap. Your notes on my descriptions are always welcome and provide such a great learning opportunity to improve my craft.
Thanks again!
Cam
-
Hi Cam,
I agree that your biggest inciting incident happens with the Hegemony. But, technically, that’s your hook into your story. That said, I think your big inciting incident is being locked out of the bunker. Being locked out is what sends them on the rest of this adventure, yes?
Dev
-
Hey Dev,
I agree that the bunker is when the story is really set in motion, but man…that leaves so little time for the “ordinary world.” Don’t get me wrong, if it comes to it I’ll happily floor it whilst still being in the garage, and if I can find a way to cut my original opening in half, I’m sure I’ll find a way to get the “locked out of the bunker” beat on page 10. Just hope I can do it without time jumping or flashbacks.
Thanks again!
Cam
(By the way, I put up my V.2. Looking forward to reading yours!)
-
Cam,
I get that you want your inciting incident on page ten. That said, there are plenty of great films where they happen earlier and even later. I think a page or two difference is not a big deal and that you should not sacrifice story for being a page late or earlier. Just my opinion.
Dev
-
-
-
-
-
From Lisa Long
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.
A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH.
She dials a number on her phone…
It RINGS for an eternity.
BETH
Hello? Hello, Sully?
SULLY
(on the phone)
Beth! Where are you?
BETH
It’s in the room with me.
SULLY
What?
BETH
It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.
Anguished pause.
BETH
Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?
SULLY
Cover your mouth with a shirt and—
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH
Is our son with you?!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY
No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!
Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.
BETH
It’s our neighbor, Sul!
NOTES on the FIRST PAGE:
It’s a provocative opening. Your first 3 lines paint a scary picture. Anytime someone is in a closet, it is scary! The light on her face…we can see her fear! Rings for an eternity…urgency! Three more lines…It’s in the room with me…as an audience member I’m holding my breath already! Audience is questioning…how will covering her face help? Where is Isaiah?! Who is your neighbor?!! Terrific opening page with a twist at the end.
An Opinion on the value of the Inciting Incident
I feel the Inciting Incident is when Sully tries to treat the patient and is stopped. And subsequently the next scene with the Manager. A powerful scene showing that Sully is obsessed with saving people…but especially his son. What will happen?!
Overview of the rest of the 10 pages
Here are a few comments I had while reading the first ten pages:
Your character descriptions are solid. For example, between “man-child” and “making work more than love”, we know this man! Excellent.
TYPO – you should be your
SULLY
Are you shaking you head yes or no?
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
This will make the audience jump…what a surprise!
Tears begin to stream from his eyes as…
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be.
I like this touch as it makes a hard man seem human and shows that he does care about life.
Just…tempering expectations. He’s like an albino crow, now.
Is he referring to Isaiah as an albino crow? Or the monster?
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.
Nice Set Up. Scene ends with an anticipation of what is under the bed.
Overall, your story is thoughtful and suspenseful…that is a rare combination. I found it to be unique, contains several hooks, and to quote the skills list, by the end of the first ten pages is a fully developed event that sets the entire story in motion. Excellent work. To tell you the truth, this isn’t really my genre, but I think you have got me interested in your script because of the well-drawn characters and your attention to details. I appreciate your work. This is going to sell!
Cam, please take a look at my first ten~Thanks!
-
Thank you so much for awesome notes Lisa!
This was a pain to rewrite from my original opening, but I’m glad it came out so well. Cut out about 7 pages to get that scene with the manager and the alarm to happen on page 10.
Can’t wait to dive back into it and fix a number of those typos and confusing lines.
I didn’t think Horror was my genre either. I swore if off after writing a short story in high school that was too scary and brutal to me at the time (it still kind of is). I’m glad, though, that the other components of characters and thoughtfulness helped to elevate it to something enjoyable to the non-horror fan.
Thanks again!
Cam
-
-
Hey Cam! Like always, I like your work. Here are my thoughts.
1) The opening is strong…but I do think you can go stronger. Go to an EXTREME. There are plenty of ways to do it. You can make Beth more scared. You can make everyone less rational and more emotional. You can even make the situation scarier to draw the audience in. For example…why wouldn’t you show the gruesome death in the beginning? It will raise stakes for the audience and, if written right, the audience will feel empathy for Sully the whole movie. Especially if he hears it all go down, and it crushes him emotionally, but he can’t get there because he’s saving his son instead (at wife’s request). That gives us a dilemma, a reason for the son-father relationship to be fractured and a scary, gripping opening. Just a thought, obviously, but figured I’d throw it out there.
2) I don’t really see the inciting incident. Is the twist supposed to be waking up from the dream? I couldn’t figure that quite out either, since there are no page numbers, obviously.
The rest of the script is good, but I think it can be more extreme too. Maybe Sully can be less rational and more full of anger and defiant? Maybe something else? It’s your story, obviously, but I do think you can push the conflict farther and add in some more things that will bring up questions for the audience.
Also, I see a lot of places where anticipatory dialogue could be useful. If you care to go that route. 🙂
-
Thank you so much Matthew!
I was worried the opening wouldn’t be strong enough. It’s the most modest of my three versions. I can definitely make this version more intense. I’ll try turning up the heat just a bit, but I think my V.2 will include one of the other three page teasers, just to see what kind of response it receives.
My original opening had a lot more twists, but it also had the inciting incident of the alarm sound off on page 17 instead of page 10. I’m still a little uncertain if I NEED the alarm to sound on page 10, and whether a few more pages of character development would serve the script better, but I’ll keep playing within the parameters Hal advised.
Thanks again!
Cam
-
-
Hi Cam, June’s comments to Cameron’s first ten pages in bold and parenthesis
Cameron Martin Ready for Critique!
Synopsis: Following the tragedy of losing his wife, Sully has become distant with his son and paranoid about the prospect of another outbreak. The unthinkable happens, and Sully again tries to collect his Aspie son, Isaiah, to seek safety in the bunker. However, when the two fail to reach the bunker in time before it shuts,
(inciting incident)
they will have to reconcile their trauma and work together to survive. They receive some help from an old woman named Jude, who turns out to be a spy for the interstellar government known as The Hegemony, which owns the colony this story takes place in. Through Jude’s research and coverup, Sully is able to find an alternate route to the bunker.
(excellent)
When he gets there, he discovers that the bunker is full of infected and inadvertently unleashes them through the compound.
(great twist)
In the process of getting away, Sully accidentally gets his son infected. (great twist) With time ticking, Sully is able to save his son from his infection, and reveals the information that Jude covered up to conscripted exterminators that arrive to wipe out everyone caught outside the bunker. One of the exterminators, Markus, who has seen first hand what the Hegemony is willing to do to maintain control of its citizens and now information of its own mistakes, helps Sully and Isaiah escape
(nice twist and shift from opponent to ally)
with the assurance that they will expose the Hegemony to more colonies. Aboard the escape craft, Sully and Isaiah rest together, side by side, waiting for safety to come to them.
(with a mission in the future. Great)
_______
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING. A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH. She dials a number on her phone… It RINGS for an eternity.
BETH Hello? Hello, Sully?
(wordsmith- “hello” is formal. Does she have an informal way of speaking to her husband? or a term of endearment? or just the urgency to say, Sully! Sully?)
SULLY (on the phone) Beth! Where are you?
BETH It’s in the room with me.
SULLY What?
BETH It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.
Anguished pause.
BETH Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?
SULLY Cover your mouth with a shirt and—
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH Is our son with you?!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters! Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.
BETH It’s our neighbor, Sul!
(Wow. Great jump into the story. Also intriguing- “what happens to Beth???”)(For the sake of a reader, add INTERCUT or SIMULTANEOUSLY, because I thought the script had moved on.)
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY A torrent of colonists washes down the halls in one direction.
(Nice description)
Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, barrels through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love.
(Ha! Nice description)
Into his phone…
SULLY I’m on my way, Beth!
His phone rings. Another call… He’s about to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.
SULLY I’m getting a call from Isaiah. Just hold on. I’m on my way.
He switches the caller…
SULLY Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!
ISAIAH (on the phone) Dad! I’m stuck!
SULLY No you’re not! Get up and—
ISAIAH Come get me, please!
SULLY Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—
ISAIAH My teacher left me.
(Isaiah doesn’t call Mom?)
Sully checks his watch. The timer on it paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…
(timer is always an effective idea. very nice.)
SULLY Hold on, bud! I’m right here, okay! I’m just going to put Mommy on, okay?
No response.
SULLY Are you shaking you head yes or no?<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>(nice)
ISAIAH Yes.
SULLY Attaboy.
Sully patches Beth through to Isaiah with a vengeful glare and tears burning in his eyes.
(don’t quite understand this. Is it jealousy?)
INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT A young boy around the age of 8, ISAIAH,
(maybe a bit more descriptive?)
sits under a desk. His hands and the phone press against his ears like a vice grip.
(love the visual of the way we first encounter him)
ISAIAH Mommy?
BETH (crying) I’m here, baby.
ISAIAH Mommy? Are you crying?
BETH No, baby. I’m okay…I want you know…I love you.
ISAIAH I love you, too.
BETH Daddy’s going to be there any second now.
Isaiah nods his head.
BETH Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?
Isaiah nods his head again.
ISAIAH I mean, yes.
BETH I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much.
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
(very good threat/hook. We assume it’s Sully but it raises the question)
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully jolts awake.
(The dream idea has been used so many times, that it might discourage a reader from moving on. I suggest finding another way to convey the scene and transition to the present. You could simply show it, since you superimpose “four years later” and then cut to Sully staring at a picture of the three of them. Is he in the same room with the closet- where Beth was? Perhaps he could be looking for something in the same closet and the memories overwhelm his thoughts.)
He catches his breath as he eyes a portrait of Beth smiling, happy. Tears begin to stream from his eyes as… He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be.
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER…
The alarm clock reads 3:14. Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM The portrait rests next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.) Hey, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. He’s like an albino crow, now.
SULLY’S ROOM Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.) Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
SULLY He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just… Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY We miss you. And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
(you may want to think about how often he speaks to the photo and edit. I’d personally edit to convey that he doesn’t need to address her- just launches into it as if in the midst of a conversation all the time- but that may not be your concept so it may not work for you.)
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING The glitter of a sun rising trickles into the room from a window.
KZZT. KZZT. The same window reveals itself as a screen depicting an artificial world beyond the walls of the space colony with each malfunction of static.<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>(nice twist)
A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now around the age of 12, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed. An uncomfortable time passes… Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley… Unleashing a cascade of Rube Goldberg mechanisms across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…
KITCHEN Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.) Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of— Isaiah crumples the paper and tosses it in the trash can. He stews… Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers written by his dad. He closes the drawer.
CLINK. Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH Hold on little buddy. Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot. DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung. He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
DR. DOUGLAS Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.
DR. MICK Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene. Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to… THE TEENAGER’S ROOM The coughing that dominated the room is supplanted by…
MOM You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding… Sully, readying a bronchoscope.
DR. MICK Get away from my patient!
SULLY You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY That was yesterday, Mickey.
DR. DOUGLAS Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK I’ve been with this poor boy for years! Sully ignores his fellow physician, grabbing the gas mask to help put the poor teen to sleep.
MOM (shoving Sully) Get away from my son!
SULLY Your son could kill us all if he’s infected.
MOM He’s not infected!
SULLY If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch!
MANAGER (O.S.) Sully! My office! Now! Sully grips the bridge of his nose.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY Sir, if I may—
MANAGER Just a second.
Sully observes his boss flip through each document with such ferocity that it sounds like the kinetic blasting of an automatic gun.
MANAGER One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY It’s the total pop—
MANAGER It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY It’s based on—
MANAGER Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.
SULLY You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
SULLY How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed! Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.
SULLY Sir?
MANAGER If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>(quite a threat. Excellent stakes)
(grabbing his desk phone) So, what’s it going to be? Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.
SULLY You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy. The Manager smiles, glee with victory.
SULLY But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.
MANAGER Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, Sul, I don’t think you understand. He begins dialing…
MANAGER This hurts me more than it does you. The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.
MANAGER Meeting adjourned. Both men make a break for the door. Manager cuts in front of Sully, pushing him aside, before standing in the door.
MANAGER This isn’t over. Sully’s fist nails his Manager’s jaw, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!
SULLY (jumping over manager)
(I like your scenes. If there’s one thing that I think can be improved, is that Sully’s character can have far more dimension and that comes from his having a lot more strategies. Nice work, and it’s fun to see how this is a family drama in so many ways. cheers, June)
-
Thank you so much June!
Those are some excellent questions! Particularly Isaiah not calling Mom. I’ll have to take a look and see how I can clear up some of the confusion in subsequent scenes.
The dream deal is a great point and one I’ve gone back and forth on a lot. One of the three pages teasers I have is a literal dream with Beth and Sully arguing about their son, until Beth turns at the height of the argument and kills Sully. It’s more intense like what Matthew emphasized the opening needed, but it left my wife confused when I told her about it, sooo…may nix that version.
I’ll keep looking for ways to bring out more dimension in the characters. There was a lot more of it in my original opening, but cutting seven pages out of it to get the alarm to hit on page 10 eliminated a lot of that hard work. Back to grindstone for me.
Thanks again!
Cam
-
-
STAY TUNED FOR A V.3, AS THAT WILL BE POSTED LATER TODAY. THANKS!
Cameron Martin Ready for Critique! (V.2)
[NOTE: First, thank you to Dev, Matthew, Lisa and June for your amazing feedback! I made some changes to the descriptions, making them a little tighter, and updated a couple lines of dialogue. The biggest change is including my original three page teaser, just to see how it performs. It has more of that EXTREME that Matthew was talking about, but leaves the story about what happened to Beth up in the air for a while in the script. Either way is a risk, so let’s find out which one’s more costly. Hope you enjoy!]
Synopsis:
Following the tragedy of losing his wife, Sully has become distant with his son and paranoid about the prospect of another outbreak. The unthinkable happens, and Sully again tries to collect his Aspie son, Isaiah, to seek safety in the bunker. However, when the two fail to reach the bunker in time before it shuts, they will have to reconcile their trauma and work together to survive.
They receive some help from an old woman named Jude, who turns out to be a spy for the interstellar government known as The Hegemony, which owns the colony this story takes place in. Through Jude’s research and coverup, Sully is able to find an alternate route to the bunker. When he gets there, he discovers that the bunker is full of infected and inadvertently unleashes them through the compound. In the process of getting away, Sully accidentally gets his son infected. With time ticking, Sully is able to save his son from his infection, and reveals the information that Jude covered up to conscripted exterminators that arrive to wipe out everyone caught outside the bunker. One of the exterminators, Markus, who has seen first hand what the Hegemony is willing to do to maintain control of its citizens and now information of its own mistakes, helps Sully and Isaiah escape with the assurance that they will expose the Hegemony to more colonies. Aboard the escape craft, Sully and Isaiah rest together, side by side, waiting for safety to come to them.
_______
pg. 1
EXT. SPACE
A NEBULA in the visage of snarled teeth glitters RED.
A green PLANET sails through the vast black between the stars.
EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT
Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the structure.
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT
Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD.
SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as…
SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his twelve year old son, Isaiah, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.
Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully.
ISAIAH
(coughing)
You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!
A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises a futuristic SHOTGUN.
Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…
Grips his bat with both hands…
And SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman…
Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL.
Isaiah struggles to catch his breath, whooping from every expulsion of air.
Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.
pg. 2
SULLY
Believe it or not, I’m trying to save you. The least you could do is make it easy!
Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening wide with unnatural fervor.
Isaiah clutches his hand to his mouth, straining against the pain.
ISAIAH
It’s not my fault that I’m going to die!
SULLY
(convincing himself more than his son)
You’re not going to die!
Sully, reigning himself in.
SULLY
I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.
A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.
SULLY
(to Isaiah)
Please, let me save you, now.
SPACEMAN
Over here!
The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.
Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.
ISAIAH
My mouth is coming out! It hurts! It hurts really, really bad.
SULLY
I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.
He ducks down and runs into another room…
Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…
pg. 3
And hides behind a kitchen counter.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)
Shhh.
The spaceman pads into the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him, shuffle-stepping.
Sully rips the saran wrap, makes an incision in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.
Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
Shhh, shhh.
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.
A shot gun BLASTS!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK.
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully WIDE AWAKE…
Fixated on a portrait of Beth smiling, HAPPY.
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE. A VOID where his wife should be.
pg. 4
SUPERIMPOSE: 18 HOURS EARLIER…
The alarm clock reads 3:14.
Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait, before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM
The portrait stands next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.)
Good morning, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. The boy’s like an albino crow, now.
SULLY’S ROOM
Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.)
Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
pg. 5
SULLY
He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…
Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY
We miss you.
And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING
The GLITTER OF DAWN trickles into the room from a window.
KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions, struggling to depict a world beyond the walls of the space colony.
A twelve year old boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed.
An uncomfortable time passes…
Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…
Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…
KITCHEN
Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—
Isaiah CRUMPLES the paper and TOSSES it in the trash can.
He stews…
Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM
Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers from Dad. He closes the drawer.
CLINK.
Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH
Hold on little buddy.
pg. 6
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, A GLASS TANK. Some THING SLITHERS, its form undefined.
INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – CONT. – DAY
A perfectly calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots.
No sign of any possible incident.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out of a room where a teenager’s busy COUGHING up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.
pg. 7
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
THE TEENAGER’S ROOM
MOM
You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…
Sully, readying a BRONCHOSCOPE.
DR. MICK
Get away from my patient!
SULLY
You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK
I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY
That was yesterday, Mickey.
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY
If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS
It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY
Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK
Not doing my-You’re not even a real physician! You missing an opportunity to work with tools for a living—
SULLY
I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain just told me to go for the bigger number.
(grabbing the gas mask for the teen)
And your son could kill us all if he’s infected.
pg. 8
MOM
(shoving Sully away)
He’s not infected!
SULLY
If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch!
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully grips the bridge of his nose.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully watches his boss flip through the stack with the ABPLOMP of a card dealer.
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
It’s based on—
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.
pg. 9
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
SULLY
How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER
You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER
Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY
Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER
Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.
pg. 10
SULLY
Sir?
MANAGER
If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.
(grabbing his desk phone)
So, what’s it going to be?
Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.
SULLY
You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy.
The Manager smiles, glee with victory.
SULLY
But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.
MANAGER
Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, I don’t think you understand. So, you see Sul…
He begins dialing…
MANAGER
This hurts me more than it does you.
WAAAAIIIILL! The SIREN rips their attention away from each other!
MANAGER
Meeting adjourned.
Both men make a break for the door.
Manager CUTS in front of Sully and barricades the door.
MANAGER
This isn’t over.
Sully DRILLS the Manager’s JAW, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!
SULLY
(jumping over his boss)
I hope you’re right.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Cameron Martin.
-
Hey Cam
Would you like to exchange critiques. I’ve been struggling with my open and would appreciate your comments.
Thanks,
Dana
-
Absolutely Dana!
-
Great! Thanks! I’ll dig into your second version right away.
PS – When are we supposed to post on the Day 7 forum?
-
Beats me. I’m guessing by the description in the Day 7 email that our critiques were supposed to go on that page. But since no one has been doing that, I haven’t really worried about it.
-
Hey Dana,
I think we were supposed to post our 2nd versions, etc on Assignment 7. We’ve all skipped it. And although I started using Hal’s critique formatting for Assignment 7, I noticed no one else using it, so I stopped. Oops!
Lisa
-
-
-
-
Dana’s Critique of Cameron Martin’s First 10 pages (V.2)
pg. 1
EXT. SPACE
A NEBULA in the visage of snarled teeth glitters RED.
Note 1: This is nice imagery. I can see the nebula rising up into space.
A green PLANET sails through the vast black between the stars.
Note 2: “Planet sails through…” Is the planet moving? Or are we moving toward the planet?
EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT
Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the structure.
Note 3: Reminds me of the mining colony in Aliens.
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT
Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD.
SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as…
Note 4: More good imagery. “…argue over” is a great description. That caught my eye.
SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his twelve year old son, Isaiah, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.
Note 5: I don’t understand Sully’s description. He’s keeping Isaiah quiet while saving his son’s life. But we see him in an action in the next pages. I’d like to “see” Sully here. Is he bloodied, wounded, exhausted, etc.
Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully.
ISAIAH
(coughing)
You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!
A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises a futuristic SHOTGUN.
Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…
Grips his bat with both hands…
And SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman…
Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL.
Note 6: This might be more gripping if you describe the nails going onto the man’s head – (i.e., Two nails DRIVE through his helmet into his SKULL.)
Isaiah struggles to catch his breath, whooping from every expulsion of air.
Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.
pg. 2
SULLY
Believe it or not, I’m trying to save you. The least you could do is make it easy!
Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening wide with unnatural fervor.
Isaiah clutches his hand to his mouth, straining against the pain.
ISAIAH
It’s not my fault that I’m going to die!
Note 7: I remember from previous readings these characters have a strained relationship. But Sully complaining to Isaiah “The least you could do is make it easy!” seems harsh for a father to say to his dying son. It sounds like his son is a nuisance. I think “I’m trying to save you,” is all you need to say here. It’s more powerful.
SULLY
(convincing himself more than his son)
You’re not going to die!
Sully, reigning himself in.
SULLY
I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.
A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.
SULLY
(to Isaiah)
Please, let me save you, now.
Note 8: Sully asking his son’s permission to save him is a good line. I think it works well with my Note 7 suggestion.
SPACEMAN
Over here!
The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.
Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.
ISAIAH
My mouth is coming out! It hurts! It hurts really, really bad.
Note 9: This line is great! It’s gross enough to make us wonder what’s happening to Isaiah.
SULLY
I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.
He ducks down and runs into another room…
Note 10: Do you need a SLUG LINE here to note their location?
Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…
pg. 3
And hides behind a kitchen counter.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)
Shhh.
The spaceman pads into the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him, shuffle-stepping.
Sully rips the saran wrap, makes an incision in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.
Note 11: This one’s a little picky. But you might want to wrap the Saran Wrap around the pot first then cut a hole in it. Saran Wrap is a bitch to play with.
Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
Shhh, shhh.
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.
A shot gun BLASTS!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK.
Note 12: This is a great opening. This scene is obviously taken from later in the script and leaves us wondering 1) how Sully and Isaiah came to their plight and 2) what will happen to them. It’s a good cliff hanger moment.
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully WIDE AWAKE…
Fixated on a portrait of Beth smiling, HAPPY.
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE. A VOID where his wife should be.
Note 13: I’m not sure I understand your use of CAPS here. Capitalization usually indicates camera focus and/or sound. (i.e., a PORTRAIT OF BETH smiling, happy.) If this is style, ignore this note.
pg. 4
SUPERIMPOSE: 18 HOURS EARLIER…
The alarm clock reads 3:14.
Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait, before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM
The portrait stands next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.)
Good morning, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. The boy’s like an albino crow, now.
SULLY’S ROOM
Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.)
Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
pg. 5
SULLY
He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…
Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY
We miss you.
And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
Note 15: This was a good way of describing Sully’s loneliness, the loss of his wife, and his relationship with Isaiah. He’s obviously keeping an audio journey of his emotions, which smacks of his boredom. It also gives us insight into Isaiah struggles when Sully says, “We miss you.”
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING
The GLITTER OF DAWN trickles into the room from a window.
KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions, struggling to depict a world beyond the walls of the space colony.
A twelve year old boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed.
An uncomfortable time passes…
Note 16: Again, this is picky. But why is it an “uncomfortable” time? As opposed to a “long” time?
Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…
Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…
Note 17: Showing us the kid’s smart hints at a future need for his genius that comes later in the script. Nice.
KITCHEN
Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—
Isaiah CRUMPLES the paper and TOSSES it in the trash can.
He stews…
Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM
Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers from Dad. He closes the drawer.
Note 18: You show Isaiah’s love-hate for his father this moment.
CLINK.
Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH
Hold on little buddy.
pg. 6
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, A GLASS TANK. Some THING SLITHERS, its form undefined.
Note 19: Keeping some THING hidden under his bed alludes to a future danger and tells us, regardless of his genius, Isaiah’s still a kid with a kid’s fascination.
INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – CONT. – DAY
Note 20: I don’t think you need to say CONT in the slug line. It’s another place and time.
A perfectly calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots.
No sign of any possible incident.
NOTE 21: If there’s “no sign of possible incident,” why mention it? Why describe what’s not happening?
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out of a room where a teenager’s busy COUGHING up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.
Note 22: If Dr. Douglas agrees with Dr. Mick, why is Dr. Mick defending his position. You might want to add a little more conflict between them, even if they’re on the same page as colleagues.
pg. 7
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
THE TEENAGER’S ROOM
MOM
You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Note 23: You might want to give us a brief description of the irate mom.
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…
Sully, readying a BRONCHOSCOPE.
DR. MICK
Get away from my patient!
SULLY
You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK
I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY
That was yesterday, Mickey.
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY
If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS
It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY
Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK
Not doing my-You’re not even a real physician! You missing an opportunity to work with tools for a living—
SULLY
I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain just told me to go for the bigger number.
Note 24: I don’t understand the last lines here. “You missing an opportunity…” and “I saw one number for building state sets…” Mick is insulting Sully, and Sully is being sarcastic, but the lines seem awkward to me.
(grabbing the gas mask for the teen)
And your son could kill us all if he’s infected.
pg. 8
MOM
(shoving Sully away)
He’s not infected!
SULLY
If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch!
Note 25: Calling the mom a “selfish bitch” makes me like Sully less. She’s just panicked and protecting her son.
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully grips the bridge of his nose.
Note 26: Why does he grip his nose? Is he insulting somebody? I don’t think you need this line. “My office! Now!” then cutting to the office is a good transition.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully watches his boss flip through the stack with the ABPLOMP of a card dealer.
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
It’s based on—
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.
Note 27: This is a good verbal brawl, but the manager’s last line “The Hegemony owns…” is a very long line. An actor may have a hard time saying it in one breath. You might want to cut this into two sentences.
pg. 9
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
SULLY
How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER
You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER
Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY
Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER
Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.
Note 28: Again, this is picky. But the line “Many have,” might be better expresses at “We all have.” This would add depth and emotion to Sully’s manager.
pg. 10
SULLY
Sir?
MANAGER
If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.
Note 29: Is the manager threatening to have the Hegemony take “away” Isaiah and relieve Sully?
(grabbing his desk phone)
So, what’s it going to be?
Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.
SULLY
You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy.
The Manager smiles, glee with victory.
SULLY
But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.
MANAGER
Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, I don’t think you understand. So, you see Sul…
He begins dialing…
MANAGER
This hurts me more than it does you.
WAAAAIIIILL! The SIREN rips their attention away from each other!
MANAGER
Meeting adjourned.
Both men make a break for the door.
Manager CUTS in front of Sully and barricades the door.
MANAGER
This isn’t over.
Note 30: The manager first says “Meeting adjourned” then says “This isn’t over.” Which is it? That’s confusing.
Sully DRILLS the Manager’s JAW, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!
SULLY
(jumping over his boss)
I hope you’re right.
Note 31: I don’t understand the last line. Right over what?
FINAL THOUGHTS: This is a great opening. You create a lot of setups that need to be revealed and leave us wondering about Sully and Isaiah’s future. The other boy’s infection somehow connects to the THING Isaiah’s keeping under his bed, but you create enough mystery to keep us reading to find out.
Your FIRST PAGE battle grabs us quick. The imagery of blood on the walls, and the sounds of gunfire and screaming are extreme. The TWIST on page 3, leaving us wondering who gets shot – though I suspect it’s not our heroes – was also good.
I assume the INCITING INCIDENT was the threat to have the Hegemony take Isaiah away from Sully. And his journey is to protect and keep his son.
You’re writing is very judicious. One-line descriptions with action. You move the script forward very fast. I read down and not across. That’s good. It makes your script a fast read and easy to understand.
Your First 10 Pages are very good. Congratulations.
Dana
-
Thank you so much Dana for the detailed notes!
You brought up a lot of great questions and points, and I appreciate every one of your observations. I have reasons in my head for some of the descriptions or lines I’ve used, but if it’s not working for the reader, it’s not working at all.
I do tend to use caps more for emphasis, necessity or emotion than specific blocking, so I could see where that may get confusing if a reader is used to a different style.
Thank you for pointing out Sully’s likability or lack thereof in certain parts of the script. It’s been a balancing act from the get go to take a tormented father with a special needs kid and make that both relatable (he’s by no means perfect) and sympathetic (he’s not a complete d***).
Looking forward to cleaning up some of the sticking points and delivering on a clearer vision.
Thanks again!
Cam
-
Cam,
I just wanted to chime in. I read Dana’s notes and they’re right on. Yes, your #10 does new a new slugline.
As for the ‘nose grip’ – you may have an opportunity to use it as a ‘character gesture.’ Does he do this when upset? Hiding something? Or? You can cut it or build on it. Personally, I love character gestures because they add insight into what a character’s feeling without having to explain or add dialogue.
Only note of Dana’s that I didn’t agree with was #30 “This isn’t over.” I liked the placement. Thought it was realistic and reminiscent of some of my own ‘meeting’ experiences.
Dev
-
-
-
Well that first page certainly drops us in it!!
extreme violence and lots of questions and a very unique world for sure.
and we have at least one very unique character. Isiaha
then
SPACEMAN Over here!
and then more – I cant tell if the first on was being helpful? t then as I read in I think not
now I am lost – but maybe that the point?
(and I have to confess I am such a not SCi Fi person so it’s already a very foreign world to me!)
should this be a few lines before where it is?
SUPERIMPOSE: 18 HOURS EARLIER…
such a great shift t have the wife/mother = is that the twist at 3?
a welcome bit of peace and kindness and normality
KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions
?? same as …?
I like what it tells me.. but did I see it before?
VERY CO0L!
Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…
more about this world we know we’re not in Kansas!
I think maybe this is where you had it beginning before?
I like the new opening scene (as it fits this genre anyway)
I dont mind going back in time to catch up to the beginning as it were.
I like the Normalcy of life in the space colony – the details
how are you going to let us now that is where we are? some sort of long view? seeing the planet in space?
we could be in a high end alternative experimental earth bubble place
maybe except for that terrifing opening
the intro of the ‘probem’ through Sully who comes across as an arrogant, unempathetic asshole in direct contrast to his Dad and Bereaved husband mode is jarring and also interesting. ..
a good way of giving us all this backstory and context through a fight with Sully who we already care enough about to want to know where he is and why.!
And I get what the story is about I think – fighting the hegemony?
Not quite sure this last line refers to?
SULLY (jumping over his boss) I hope you’re right.
Cool stuff Cameron and I will fir sure go and see it!
-
Thank you so much Kate for your thoughtful feedback!
You’re not the only one I’ve left confused on some important details, so that’ll be my next challenge. Your not being versed in science fiction isn’t an excuse for me; it’s my job to make sure everything is clear and understandable. It still goes back to me.
I’ll get right to fixing what needs fixing!
Thanks again!
Cam
-
-
Critique for CAMERON
Hey, Cameron! Sorry for taking longer than anticipated. It is not easy to catch issues in your writing at this stage.
1. Line by line on the first page.
001 SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. SPACE NEBULA [nice job]
002 ACTION: in the visage of snarled teeth glitters RED. [nice job]
003 ACTION: A green PLANET sails through the vast black between the stars. [nice job]
004 SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT [nice job]
005 ACTION: Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the structure. [nice job]
006 SCENE HEADLINE: INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT [nice job]
007 ACTION: Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD. [nice job]
008 ACTION: SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as… [nice job]
009 ACTION: SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his twelve year old son, Isaiah, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him. [nice job]
010 ACTION: Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully. [More comments on this in the following sections]
011 DIALOGUE: ISAIAH (coughing)
You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!
COMMENT: If his throat hurts and has difficulty breathing, a shorter phrase might be a better fit for this scene. Like: Stop! You make me…(wheeze) worse!
012 ACTION: A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises a futuristic SHOTGUN. [nice job]
013 ACTION: Sully drops Isaiah to the ground… [nice job]
014 ACTION: Grips his bat with both hands… [nice job]
015 ACTION: And SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman… [nice job]
016 ACTION: Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL. [nice job]
017 ACTION: Isaiah struggles to catch his breath, whooping from every expulsion of air. [nice job]
018 ACTION: Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.
COMMENT: This line is extreme and dramatic, but considering the crisis, I wonder how believable is that a 12-year-old refuses to be protected. It is perfect in terms of adding difficulties to the problem that Sully must solve, but I wonder if there was a more realistic situation.
2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.
The opening scene consists on the introduction of the protagonist and his son through action and a non-linear strategy, using a mix of an intriguing scene from another part of the movie, combined with a description of a unique world and even an ounce of a trick that leaves us wondering if the opening scene was only a dream.
We see a man surrounded by extreme danger and willing to give it all for his son. The character Sully appears as a resourceful man (produces a makeshift breather out of kitchen tools) and caring father who has done mistakes, some of which damaged his son’s trust in him. Sully is willing to do whatever it takes to save the day, his son, and their relationship.
The twist consists on a situation that integrates several of the different types of changes to the story pattern:
- Something planned for doesn’t happen: people have died, but doctors are still not doing their job to prevent a new outbreak.
- A new problem occurs / A mistake returns to haunt them: Sully’s wife died during a previous outbreak and while there is already a new suspected case of infection in the colony, the doctors remain in denial.
- A lie is uncovered: the manager wants to keep the government (the Hegemony) happy, so he is for covering the truth.
- New consequences emerge / A trust is violated: the manager threatens Sully about not messing up with his boss political interests or Sully may loose his child.
- Are the opening and twist disjointed from each other? Not for me. Whether as a dream or foresight, the action sequence is intriguing and does a good job in describing / selling Sully’s characteristics and flaw(s). This fits well with the manager interview, creating a sense of cause-consequence relationship between the two sections.
3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.
The inciting incident happens when Sully argues with the mother of a possible infection case, which goes beyond his field of duty in engineering, Sully tries to conduct a medical examination to keep the colony safe—
Having read some of the previous versions of the story, I appreciate the increasing level of clarity and brevity that produces a deeper sense of engagement with the story and rooting for the characters. Sully stepping into the medical area is extreme and effective.
Some new concerns include:
Is the description through voiceover and action enough for us to know that Isaiah is an aspie kid? How much more could be said or added without creating an explicit exposition, an on-the-nose kind of dialogue?
Previous versions displayed Sully as a man who usually goes beyond the call of his duty, and does whatever is needed to get things done. This version is by far superior in clarity and simplicity than the previous ones. Yet, when Sully comes to argue with the mother, there might be two possible issues:
1. How do we know that the woman is the mother of the possible infected child? It was not apparent for me until the line “And your son could kill us all if he’s infected.” I read the description, but I did not see it in my head without the description, so I thought to raise a flag for you to double check in case it was not only me.
2. In such a highly technological environment, how believable it could be that non-medical staff gets into the system and conducts a medical examination? Possible answer: Sully is a hacker. And so, my next question is: what are the legal consequences?
The manager seems to find it normal that someone is able to operate the medical system without login or password, and instead of going by the book and implementing the “rules for those who tamper with equipment,” he calls it a mockery, plays it by ear, and figures out a penalty that could hurt Sully. If that was intended to show how unqualified and corrupt the manager is… it worked. Yet, the question about “believable or not” still remains.
4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages.
A. The first ten pages are full of highly relatable situations that easily connect with our experiences during the pandemic. Improvised, unqualified, unprepared, selfish individuals running their own agendas, making irreversible mistakes that with time, they all add up to catastrophe.
B. I trust that you have had more contact with Aspie kids than I have, or you surely have done some research on Aspie kids characteristics and so, you are more qualified to judge Isaiah’s actions and speech. The only Aspie girl whom I ever met was quit withdrawn and not so able to articulate her emotions and ideas. But I do not mean to generalize. This version shows Isaiah more vulnerable, unaware of things, and relatable. Yet, I wonder if the child appears too cool in the middle of the crisis that surrounds him. Not to mention the shootings, people screaming in horror and pain, things blowing up nearby, and his dad fighting to dead to protect him; Isaiah seems kind of fearless and just concerned about his throat.
C. When I compare this with the previous versions, I realize how misleading the father-son relationship used to be. In previous versions, Sully appeared kind of neglecting his son of time and affection. In the current version, Sully’s voiceover brings us from wondering if he was divorced to the realization that his wife is dead and so, his journaling helps reveal character subtext. Anyway, his feelings for his son are apparent and the manager’s threat connect in a way that the stakes get higher.
Hope this helps! This is a timely story, Cameron. Like Christina Aguilera’s song says: It keeps getting better.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
Thank you so much Antonio!
You brought up some great points on the believability of certain actions. I’ll be sure to go back and smooth out some details and add cases that better showcase the fact that Isaiah is an Aspie without having to say it in his character description, or that Sully is one of the doctors and not just some intruder. That’s on me if a reader didn’t understand that.
Thanks again!
Cam
-
Cameron Martin Ready for Critique (V.3)
[NOTE: Thank you to Antonio, Dana, Kate, and Dev again! Went back to my original opening because I feel it sets up everything better. I do think there’s one moment I added that may be a little over the top, but we’ll see. Considering reworking the whole Manager scene. It does a lot but there may be a better way to communicate the themes and exposition if Sully is in the more active role promoting them instead of an opposing boss. In the meantime, hope you enjoy!]
Synopsis:
Following the tragedy of losing his wife, Sully has become distant with his son and paranoid about the prospect of another outbreak. The unthinkable happens, and Sully again tries to collect his Aspie son, Isaiah, to seek safety in the bunker. However, when the two fail to reach the bunker in time before it shuts, they will have to reconcile their trauma and work together to survive.
They receive some help from an old woman named Jude, who turns out to be a spy for the interstellar government known as The Hegemony, which owns the colony this story takes place in. Through Jude’s research and coverup, Sully is able to find an alternate route to the bunker. When he gets there, he discovers that the bunker is full of infected and inadvertently unleashes them through the compound. In the process of getting away, Sully accidentally gets his son infected. With time ticking, Sully is able to save his son from his infection, and reveals the information that Jude covered up to conscripted exterminators that arrive to wipe out everyone caught outside the bunker. One of the exterminators, Markus, who has seen first hand what the Hegemony is willing to do to maintain control of its citizens and now information of its own mistakes, helps Sully and Isaiah escape with the assurance that they will expose the Hegemony to more colonies. Aboard the escape craft, Sully and Isaiah rest together, side by side, waiting for safety to come to them.
_______
pg. 1
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.
A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH – the bedrock of her family.
She dials a number on her phone…
It RINGS for an eternity.
BETH
Babe? Sully?
SULLY
(on the phone)
Beth! Where are you?
BETH
It’s in the room with me.
SULLY
What?
BETH
It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.
Anguished pause.
BETH
Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?
SULLY
Cover your mouth with a shirt and—
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH
Is our son with you?!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY
No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!
Beth PRESSES her feet against the wall…
Pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.
pg. 2
BETH
It’s our neighbor, Sul!
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY
A TORRENT of colonists WASHES down the halls.
Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, BARRELS through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love. Into his phone…
SULLY
I’m on my way, Beth!
His phone rings. Another call…
He’s goes to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.
SULLY
I’m getting a call from Isaiah. I don’t know why he’s calling me- Just hold on. I’m on my way.
He switches the caller…
SULLY
Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!
ISAIAH
(on the phone)
Dad! I’m stuck!
SULLY
No you’re not! Get up and—
ISAIAH
Come get me, please!
SULLY
Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—
ISAIAH
My teacher left me.
Sully checks his watch…
The timer paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…
SULLY
Isaiah, I…I really need you to be brave right now.
pg. 3
ISAIAH
No! I can’t!
SULLY
Please, buddy. Do it for me and mommy, okay?
ISAIAH
I can’t.
SULLY
(burning tears welling up)
Okay. Just hold on. I’m going to put Mommy on, okay?
No response.
SULLY
Are you shaking your head yes or no?
ISAIAH
Yes.
SULLY
Attaboy.
INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT
An eight year old boy, ISAIAH, sits under a desk. His hands and the phone PRESS against his ears like a vice grip.
ISAIAH
Mommy?
Beth
(crying through the phone)
I’m here, baby.
ISAIAH
Mommy? Are you crying?
BETH
No, baby. I’m okay. I want you know I love you.
ISAIAH
I love you, too.
BETH
Daddy’s going to be there any second now.
pg. 4
Isaiah nods his head.
BETH
Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?
Isaiah nods his head again.
ISAIAH
I mean, yes.
BETH
I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much!
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
The phone drops to the ground.
BETH
(through the phone)
Please, GOD! PLEASE! no, No, NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully WIDE AWAKE…
Fixated on a portrait of Beth smiling, HAPPY.
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE. A VOID where his wife should be.
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER…
The alarm clock reads 3:14.
Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait, before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM
The portrait stands next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.)
Good morning, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. The boy’s like an albino crow, now.
pg. 5
SULLY’S ROOM
Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.)
Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because…I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
SULLY
He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…
Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY
We can’t do it without you. I…remind me how to be with him again. Please. Because I don’t remember how.
And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING
The GLITTER OF DAWN trickles into the room from a window.
KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions, struggling to depict a world beyond the walls of the space colony.
A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now twelve, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed…
For a long time…Analyzing something…
Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…
Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…
pg. 6
KITCHEN
Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—
Isaiah CRUMPLES the paper and TOSSES it in the trash can.
He stews…
Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM
Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers from Dad. He closes the drawer.
CLINK.
Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH
Hold on little buddy.
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, A GLASS TANK. Some THING SLITHERS, its form undefined.
INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – DAY
A calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots. A cobbled mix of old and future tech – like out of a Simon Stålenhag painting.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out of a room where a teenager’s busy COUGHING up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
pg. 7
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
THE TEENAGER’S ROOM
MOM shields her son who’s laying on the medical bed.
MOM
You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…
Sully, readying a BRONCHOSCOPE.
DR. MICK
Get away from my patient!
SULLY
You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK
I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY
That was yesterday, Mickey.
pg. 8
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY
If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS
It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY
Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK
Not doing my-You’re not even a real physician!
SULLY
My medical license says otherwise.
DR. MICK
You’re a bitter actor that missed out on—
SULLY
I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain told me to go for the bigger number.
(grabbing the gas mask for the teen)
I’m still going with the bigger number. We will have another outbreak, and more people will die, if your son is infected. Move.
MOM
(shoving Sully away)
He’s not infected!
SULLY
If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays! I pay! My son pays! My wife is dead! She paid because of people like you!
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully drops everything. Eyes his MANAGER at the entrance, and obeys the Manager’s “come here” trigger finger.
pg. 9
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully watches his boss flip through the stack with the ABPLOMP of a card dealer.
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
It’s based on—
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. This colony is owned by the largest governmental entity off Earth. The Hegemony controls the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here.
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of a system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
pg. 10
SULLY
How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER
You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER
Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY
Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER
Let me make this perfectly clear to you. This “ends justifies the means” approach isn’t for you to decide. It’s already laid out in protocol. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. We all have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.
SULLY
Sir?
MANAGER
If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you from the burden of “protecting” him.
(grabbing his desk phone)
So, what’s it going to be?
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
Critique for Cameron!
Hello Cam! I see you changed that! I like it this way, that’s a strong start. More classy
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.
A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH.
She dials a number on her phone…
It RINGS for an eternity.
GOOD WAY TO SHAW BETH, AND INTRODUCE SALLY
BETH
Hello? Hello, Sully?
SULLY
(on the phone)
Beth! Where are you?
BETH
It’s in the room with me.
SULLY
What?
BETH
It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.
Anguished pause.
BETH
Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?
AND WE PREDICT, WHERE IT GOES
SULLY
Cover your mouth with a shirt and—
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH
Is our son with you?!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY
No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!
Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.
BETH
It’s our neighbor, Sul!
ALMOST GIVING ALL THE CLUE I.E. “CONVERTERS”
SULLY’S attitude to photo is most great. Feels somehow familiar
Few words for techno stuff, is a plus
Scene with a doctor is still a bit stretchy, probably because you remade it. If you removed it, like they carry sick boy into bunker, I liked that scene. I don’t know, if you did. Its up to you of course. You know better.
Manager stuff is cool. ‘Bad Boss’ always matters
Knowing, what kid keeps under bed, yep! That’s what kids do! That’s what they are capable of! Just leave them on their own, they would put extraterrestrial on the attic!
-
Thank you Alice for your awesome notes!
I agree that the doctor scene moves a little too fast and does stretch the suspension of disbelief from where we see it in the script currently. I think I know how to fix that and address some of the notes where the inciting incident was unclear.
Thanks again!
Cam
-
Hi Cameron,
Cameron Martin Ready for Critique (V.3)
Curious, did you settle on a title yet?
Overall, I like the intense opening, with a little action (maybe Beth searches for a weapon, Isaiah plays with a toy in the closet, maybe Sully runs and dodges, gets in a fight, changes direction several times), with a little shock (can we get a glimpse of the neighbor so we know the horrors of being infected?), a little unique character (give us funny clever familiar Asperger’s – so we care about Isaiah), and a little unique world (need more world building) – each of which could be pushed more
I think you’ve got the 6 rules covered
Definitely inciting incident is proper
Asperger’s in space, Asperger’s vs. Aliens, concept alone I would keep reading after 10 anyway, and your pages didn’t dissuade me from continuing, so great job so far!
I gave notes only as brainstorming suggestions
pg. 1
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING. — Air raid siren blaring. – more description differentiates type of alarm (alarm clock or piercing emergency alarm)
A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH – the bedrock of her family. — intermittently slashes or intermittently illuminating, otherwise you say it only happens once and we’ll not be able to see her, you don’t describe Beth physically, sweaty? the panicked eyes of 35 year old Beth peeking out between coats,
She dials a number on her phone… — wow the reader here with something unique futuristic device?, do we see it glow, light up her face
It RINGS for an eternity. — while things crash and bang in the background?
BETH — (frantic or calm?)
Babe? Sully? — nickname Sul, Sully only later when she’s serious
SULLY
(on the phone)
Beth! Where are you?
BETH
It’s in the room with me. — it broke in! — slowly dole out the info
SULLY
What?
BETH
It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it. — I’m in the closet. — obviously she’s hiding
Anguished pause. — Sully isn’t going to pause speaking, he’d fill it instantly with the Cover your mouth… – so switch order of next 2 lines, no?, plus as a mother she’d disregard his concern for her to the more important concern of their son
BETH
Where are you? Is Isaiah with you? — you have Isaiah?
SULLY
Cover your mouth with a shirt and— — Put a mask on! Did you grab your gun?
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH
Is our son with you?! — Sully, do you have our son? – nickname used above and below but here full name
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY
No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run! — Not yet! He’s at school. I’m coming home.
BETH
No, Sul. Take care of our boy. or Our boy needs you. — sets up the meaning of the story
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!
Beth PRESSES her feet against the wall… — against the door
Pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door. — delete
pg. 2
BETH
[Need something personal first between them – last words? Then about Isaiah! – something he has to promise her, or tell Isaiah blah blah, or something silly that Isaiah likes to do, or something thematic, something not on the nose but meaningful], then It’s our neighbor, Sul! — twist!
the line goes dead — action line to complete the scene.
And they never mentioned the bunker???
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY
— don’t you want to immediately cut to Sully’s face and reaction here, on his startled, exasperated face, then pull back to show him fighting through the torrent
A TORRENT of colonists WASHES down the halls. — description of the halls? this is your first chance to establish what kind of world we are in
Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, BARRELS through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love. Into his phone… — who is he? not sure this is an appropriate technique for this type of script, especially with that answer, and I can’t picture what a self-aware man-child looks like, not sure that this type of description works here if we’re to believe him to be barreling through a stampede, and at this point of the movie self-aware man-child isn’t relevant and demonstrated so it won’t be remembered
SULLY
I’m on my way, Beth!
His phone rings. Another call…
He’s goes to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.
SULLY
I’m getting a call from Isaiah. I don’t know why he’s calling me- Just hold on. I’m on my way.
He switches the caller…
SULLY
Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!
ISAIAH
(on the phone)
Dad! I’m stuck! — Dad, mom’s going to voicemail. – he’d call her first, no?
SULLY
No you’re not! Get up and—
ISAIAH
Come get me, please!
SULLY
Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—
ISAIAH
My teacher left me. — believable?
Sully checks his watch…
The timer paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…
SULLY
Isaiah, I…I really need you to be brave right now. — cliche
pg. 3
ISAIAH
No! I can’t!
SULLY
Please, buddy. Do it for me and mommy, okay? — cliche, so yes, he’s the cliche father, but is there a way to show that with also showing interesting dialogue?
ISAIAH
I can’t.
SULLY
(burning tears welling up)
Okay. Just hold on. I’m going to put Mommy on, okay?
No response.
SULLY
Are you shaking your head yes or no?
ISAIAH
Yes.
SULLY
Attaboy.
INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT
An eight year old boy, ISAIAH, sits under a desk. His hands and the phone PRESS against his ears like a vice grip.
ISAIAH
Mommy?
Beth
(crying through the phone)
I’m here, baby. — this feels out of place, didn’t she die? she would have been on the phone with the kid before Sully
ISAIAH
Mommy? Are you crying?
BETH
No, baby. I’m okay. I want you know I love you. — to know
ISAIAH
I love you, too.
BETH
Daddy’s going to be there any second now.
pg. 4
Isaiah nods his head.
BETH
Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?
Isaiah nods his head again.
ISAIAH
I mean, yes.
BETH
I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much!
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
The phone drops to the ground.
BETH
(through the phone)
Please, GOD! PLEASE! no, No, NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
— OK, here’s the pitch: opens with Beth trapped in closet at home/work whispering to Isaiah, who is also trapped in a closet at school, she can hear the teacher yelling at Isaiah to open the door because they have to get to the bunker, Beth also hears at same at her place the alarm plus banging and crashing, she’s trying to get him to listen to the teacher but he’s scared because of the noise, we hear the exasperated teacher leave Isaiah there – she doesn’t want to die for some pejorative description, Beth soothes the boy as a great mother she is, THEN Sully calls, 3 way conversation, Beth wants him to get Isaiah but Isaiah only wants mommy to get him, she says in closet, she says it’s in their apt/work, Sully only shows concern for Beth’s predicament, got mask? no, got gun? no, crashing/banging getting louder, Sully fights torrent to go to Beth but Beth begs him to get Isaiah, he stops stands still amid chaos, sweet words between her and the other 2 characters, her hope for Sully – goal of movie (not on the nose), theme (not only the nose), banging on her closet door, both hear her screams, line goes dead, Isaiah has peculiar reaction (thinks game perhaps), Sully is devastated, looks at watch, turns the other direction to get Isaiah
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully WIDE AWAKE…
Fixated on a portrait of Beth smiling, HAPPY.
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE. A VOID where his wife should be.
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER… — unless have specific reason why 4 years, one year later is most used, logical, and familiar, and casting can use the same kid
The alarm clock reads 3:14.
Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait, before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM
The portrait stands next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.)
Good morning, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. The boy’s like an albino crow, now. — plus 4 years later it’s hard to believe he still talks to her
pg. 5
SULLY’S ROOM
Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.)
Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because…I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone. — not sure about this scene or dialogue, generally you would want to show this
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
SULLY
He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…
Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY
We can’t do it without you. I…remind me how to be with him again. Please. Because I don’t remember how.
And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING
The GLITTER OF DAWN trickles into the room from a window. — page 5 and I have no idea I’m in space in another world, you need to have built the world by now, the kinds of buildings, what people are wearing, the way people sleep
KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions, struggling to depict a world beyond the walls of the space colony. — same window malfunctions???
A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now twelve, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed… — Aspergers needs to be mentioned the very first time we see Isaiah
For a long time…Analyzing something…
Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…
Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him… — your original clever update to rube’s… wow the reader with something inventive
pg. 6
KITCHEN
Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—
Isaiah CRUMPLES the paper and TOSSES it in the trash can.
He stews…
Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM
Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers from Dad. He closes the drawer.
CLINK.
Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH
Hold on little buddy.
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, A GLASS TANK. Some THING SLITHERS, its form undefined.
INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – DAY
A calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots. A cobbled mix of old and future tech – like out of a Simon Stålenhag painting.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out of a room where a teenager’s busy COUGHING up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
pg. 7
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
THE TEENAGER’S ROOM
MOM shields her son who’s laying on the medical bed.
MOM
You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…
Sully, readying a BRONCHOSCOPE.
DR. MICK
Get away from my patient!
SULLY
You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK
I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY
That was yesterday, Mickey.
pg. 8
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY
If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS
It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY
Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK
Not doing my-You’re not even a real physician!
SULLY
My medical license says otherwise. — so what is he?
DR. MICK
You’re a bitter actor that missed out on— — huh? actor? in colonized space?
SULLY
I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain told me to go for the bigger number. — I don’t follow this at all
(grabbing the gas mask for the teen)
I’m still going with the bigger number. We will have another outbreak, and more people will die, if your son is infected. Move.
MOM
(shoving Sully away)
He’s not infected! — how does she know? and why is she denying? maybe create stakes if he is infected i.e. You’re not putting my boy in 3-month isolation.
SULLY
If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays! I pay! My son pays! My wife is dead! She paid because of people like you! — very on the nose, and wouldn’t this fight have happened a zillion times by now
— so what is Dr. Mick’s motivation for being lax? he doesn’t want to die either
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully drops everything. Eyes his MANAGER at the entrance, and obeys the Manager’s “come here” trigger finger.
pg. 9
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully watches his boss flip through the stack with the ABPLOMP of a card dealer.
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
Please, sir, Sully. It’s based on— — perhaps he wouldn’t want Sul being used by anyone but his wife
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. This colony is owned by the largest governmental entity off Earth. The Hegemony controls the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here. — exposition, manager would never say this to a longtime worker of his, maybe find another vehicle to get this information to the audience, perhaps he’s training his replacement, or he’s talking to a co-worker just in the beginning stages of thinking about rebelling
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of a system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
pg. 10
SULLY
How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER
You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER
Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY
Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER
Let me make this perfectly clear to you. This “ends justifies the means” approach isn’t for you to decide. It’s already laid out in protocol. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. We all have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral. — that’s a good threat!
SULLY
Sir?
MANAGER
If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you from the burden of “protecting” him. — excellent!
(grabbing his desk phone)
So, what’s it going to be?
— so I’m not clear what sully’s job actually is, and for saying he’s a self-aware man-child…not sure that’s what’s coming across, and question whether those descriptors are the right choices anywayHi Cameron,
Cameron Martin Ready for Critique (V.3)
Curious, did you settle on a title yet?
Overall, I like the intense opening, with a little action (maybe Beth searches for a weapon, Isaiah plays with a toy in the closet, maybe Sully runs and dodges, gets in a fight, changes direction several times), with a little shock (can we get a glimpse of the neighbor so we know the horrors of being infected?), a little unique character (give us funny clever familiar Asperger’s – so we care about Isaiah), and a little unique world (need more world building) – each of which could be pushed more
I think you’ve got the 6 rules covered
Definitely inciting incident is proper
Asperger’s in space, Asperger’s vs. Aliens, concept alone I would keep reading after 10 anyway, and your pages didn’t dissuade me from continuing, so great job so far!
I gave notes only as brainstorming suggestions
pg. 1
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING. — Air raid siren blaring. – more description differentiates type of alarm (alarm clock or piercing emergency alarm)
A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH – the bedrock of her family. — intermittently slashes or intermittently illuminating, otherwise you say it only happens once and we’ll not be able to see her, you don’t describe Beth physically, sweaty? the panicked eyes of 35 year old Beth peeking out between coats,
She dials a number on her phone… — wow the reader here with something unique futuristic device?, do we see it glow, light up her face
It RINGS for an eternity. — while things crash and bang in the background?
BETH — (frantic or calm?)
Babe? Sully? — nickname Sul, Sully only later when she’s serious
SULLY
(on the phone)
Beth! Where are you?
BETH
It’s in the room with me. — it broke in! — slowly dole out the info
SULLY
What?
BETH
It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it. — I’m in the closet. — obviously she’s hiding
Anguished pause. — Sully isn’t going to pause speaking, he’d fill it instantly with the Cover your mouth… – so switch order of next 2 lines, no?, plus as a mother she’d disregard his concern for her to the more important concern of their son
BETH
Where are you? Is Isaiah with you? — you have Isaiah?
SULLY
Cover your mouth with a shirt and— — Put a mask on! Did you grab your gun?
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH
Is our son with you?! — Sully, do you have our son? – nickname used above and below but here full name
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY
No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run! — Not yet! He’s at school. I’m coming home.
BETH
No, Sul. Take care of our boy. or Our boy needs you. — sets up the meaning of the story
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!
Beth PRESSES her feet against the wall… — against the door
Pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door. — delete
pg. 2
BETH
[Need something personal first between them – last words? Then about Isaiah! – something he has to promise her, or tell Isaiah blah blah, or something silly that Isaiah likes to do, or something thematic, something not on the nose but meaningful], then It’s our neighbor, Sul! — twist!
the line goes dead — action line to complete the scene.
And they never mentioned the bunker???
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY
— don’t you want to immediately cut to Sully’s face and reaction here, on his startled, exasperated face, then pull back to show him fighting through the torrent
A TORRENT of colonists WASHES down the halls. — description of the halls? this is your first chance to establish what kind of world we are in
Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, BARRELS through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love. Into his phone… — who is he? not sure this is an appropriate technique for this type of script, especially with that answer, and I can’t picture what a self-aware man-child looks like, not sure that this type of description works here if we’re to believe him to be barreling through a stampede, and at this point of the movie self-aware man-child isn’t relevant and demonstrated so it won’t be remembered
SULLY
I’m on my way, Beth!
His phone rings. Another call…
He’s goes to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.
SULLY
I’m getting a call from Isaiah. I don’t know why he’s calling me- Just hold on. I’m on my way.
He switches the caller…
SULLY
Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!
ISAIAH
(on the phone)
Dad! I’m stuck! — Dad, mom’s going to voicemail. – he’d call her first, no?
SULLY
No you’re not! Get up and—
ISAIAH
Come get me, please!
SULLY
Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—
ISAIAH
My teacher left me. — believable?
Sully checks his watch…
The timer paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…
SULLY
Isaiah, I…I really need you to be brave right now. — cliche
pg. 3
ISAIAH
No! I can’t!
SULLY
Please, buddy. Do it for me and mommy, okay? — cliche, so yes, he’s the cliche father, but is there a way to show that with also showing interesting dialogue?
ISAIAH
I can’t.
SULLY
(burning tears welling up)
Okay. Just hold on. I’m going to put Mommy on, okay?
No response.
SULLY
Are you shaking your head yes or no?
ISAIAH
Yes.
SULLY
Attaboy.
INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT
An eight year old boy, ISAIAH, sits under a desk. His hands and the phone PRESS against his ears like a vice grip.
ISAIAH
Mommy?
Beth
(crying through the phone)
I’m here, baby. — this feels out of place, didn’t she die? she would have been on the phone with the kid before Sully
ISAIAH
Mommy? Are you crying?
BETH
No, baby. I’m okay. I want you know I love you. — to know
ISAIAH
I love you, too.
BETH
Daddy’s going to be there any second now.
pg. 4
Isaiah nods his head.
BETH
Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?
Isaiah nods his head again.
ISAIAH
I mean, yes.
BETH
I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much!
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
The phone drops to the ground.
BETH
(through the phone)
Please, GOD! PLEASE! no, No, NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
— OK, here’s the pitch: opens with Beth trapped in closet at home/work whispering to Isaiah, who is also trapped in a closet at school, she can hear the teacher yelling at Isaiah to open the door because they have to get to the bunker, Beth also hears at same at her place the alarm plus banging and crashing, she’s trying to get him to listen to the teacher but he’s scared because of the noise, we hear the exasperated teacher leave Isaiah there – she doesn’t want to die for some pejorative description, Beth soothes the boy as a great mother she is, THEN Sully calls, 3 way conversation, Beth wants him to get Isaiah but Isaiah only wants mommy to get him, she says in closet, she says it’s in their apt/work, Sully only shows concern for Beth’s predicament, got mask? no, got gun? no, crashing/banging getting louder, Sully fights torrent to go to Beth but Beth begs him to get Isaiah, he stops stands still amid chaos, sweet words between her and the other 2 characters, her hope for Sully – goal of movie (not on the nose), theme (not only the nose), banging on her closet door, both hear her screams, line goes dead, Isaiah has peculiar reaction (thinks game perhaps), Sully is devastated, looks at watch, turns the other direction to get Isaiah
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully WIDE AWAKE…
Fixated on a portrait of Beth smiling, HAPPY.
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE. A VOID where his wife should be.
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER… — unless have specific reason why 4 years, one year later is most used, logical, and familiar, and casting can use the same kid
The alarm clock reads 3:14.
Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait, before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM
The portrait stands next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.)
Good morning, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. The boy’s like an albino crow, now. — plus 4 years later it’s hard to believe he still talks to her
pg. 5
SULLY’S ROOM
Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.)
Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because…I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone. — not sure about this scene or dialogue, generally you would want to show this
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
SULLY
He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…
Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY
We can’t do it without you. I…remind me how to be with him again. Please. Because I don’t remember how.
And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING
The GLITTER OF DAWN trickles into the room from a window. — page 5 and I have no idea I’m in space in another world, you need to have built the world by now, the kinds of buildings, what people are wearing, the way people sleep
KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions, struggling to depict a world beyond the walls of the space colony. — same window malfunctions???
A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now twelve, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed… — Aspergers needs to be mentioned the very first time we see Isaiah
For a long time…Analyzing something…
Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…
Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him… — your original clever update to rube’s… wow the reader with something inventive
pg. 6
KITCHEN
Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—
Isaiah CRUMPLES the paper and TOSSES it in the trash can.
He stews…
Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM
Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers from Dad. He closes the drawer.
CLINK.
Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH
Hold on little buddy.
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, A GLASS TANK. Some THING SLITHERS, its form undefined.
INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – DAY
A calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots. A cobbled mix of old and future tech – like out of a Simon Stålenhag painting.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out of a room where a teenager’s busy COUGHING up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
pg. 7
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
THE TEENAGER’S ROOM
MOM shields her son who’s laying on the medical bed.
MOM
You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…
Sully, readying a BRONCHOSCOPE.
DR. MICK
Get away from my patient!
SULLY
You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK
I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY
That was yesterday, Mickey.
pg. 8
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY
If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS
It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY
Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK
Not doing my-You’re not even a real physician!
SULLY
My medical license says otherwise. — so what is he?
DR. MICK
You’re a bitter actor that missed out on— — huh? actor? in colonized space?
SULLY
I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain told me to go for the bigger number. — I don’t follow this at all
(grabbing the gas mask for the teen)
I’m still going with the bigger number. We will have another outbreak, and more people will die, if your son is infected. Move.
MOM
(shoving Sully away)
He’s not infected! — how does she know? and why is she denying? maybe create stakes if he is infected i.e. You’re not putting my boy in 3-month isolation.
SULLY
If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays! I pay! My son pays! My wife is dead! She paid because of people like you! — very on the nose, and wouldn’t this fight have happened a zillion times by now
— so what is Dr. Mick’s motivation for being lax? he doesn’t want to die either
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully drops everything. Eyes his MANAGER at the entrance, and obeys the Manager’s “come here” trigger finger.
pg. 9
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully watches his boss flip through the stack with the ABPLOMP of a card dealer.
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
Please, sir, Sully. It’s based on— — perhaps he wouldn’t want Sul being used by anyone but his wife
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. This colony is owned by the largest governmental entity off Earth. The Hegemony controls the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here. — exposition, manager would never say this to a longtime worker of his, maybe find another vehicle to get this information to the audience, perhaps he’s training his replacement, or he’s talking to a co-worker just in the beginning stages of thinking about rebelling
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of a system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
pg. 10
SULLY
How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER
You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER
Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY
Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER
Let me make this perfectly clear to you. This “ends justifies the means” approach isn’t for you to decide. It’s already laid out in protocol. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. We all have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral. — that’s a good threat!
SULLY
Sir?
MANAGER
If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you from the burden of “protecting” him. — excellent!
(grabbing his desk phone)
So, what’s it going to be?
— so I’m not clear what sully’s job actually is, and for saying he’s a self-aware man-child…not sure that’s what’s coming across, and question whether those descriptors are the right choices anyway
-
Thank you so much for your detailed feedback, Michael!
I’m still rolling with OPEN WIDE as the title. I like all of your suggestions and agree with most of the points you brought up! Some of the dialogue may have worked better in earlier drafts, and Sully’s “man-child” description, though loaded and great and applicable to the original version of this opening, may no longer be valid to the more haunted version he’s become. The only thing I will disagree with is Beth telling Sully to get Isaiah, and not because anything you said is wrong. I just believe Sully saving Isaiah instead of Beth has to be HIS choice, not Beth’s. There may be a better way I can structure this teaser without having it overstay its welcome (REEEEEAAALLLY trying to keep this script under a hundred pages), and that’s on me to make his choice clearer to the reader.
Thanks again!
Cam
-
-
-
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
June, my comments will be in BOLD! OVERALL, LOVE THIS, ESPECIALLY YOUR WELL DRAWN CHARACTERS, WHO ARE CHARMING AS HELL.
DEV
The first Ten Pages
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.)
Fugazi. Moron. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. We swore a blood oath.
JOE (V.O.) Blood?! You got that right. We’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
GREAT HOOK. #1 INSTANT CONFLICT/CONTRAST OPENING.
I INSTANTLY LIKED ROY, HIS LOYALTY. STRONG CHARACTER TRAIT RIGHT UPFRONT.
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60’s, could charm the frown off of a church lady despite his scruffiness and nervous energy. He tries the front door. Locked. He knocks. #C: USED LOADED WORDS AND IMAGES BEAUTIFULLY.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT It’s dark. Fire’s gone out. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, and scooches himself inside. GREAT WRITTEN IMAGES. LOVE ‘SMASHES HIS MUG.’
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes, neatly folded, are
on a counter. He knows what to do. He drags the fridge to retrieve his hidden; ragged military pouch. Inside: a knife, his dog-tags and something shiny with a ribbon; wrapped in a bloody bandana. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.) You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
LOCKED OUT, LEFT: INCITING INCIDENT.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, work gloves. He sets everything out. His shoes. His pouch. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around his skinny frame and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD Get out.
ROY Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD Out.
ROY Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy whistling the Beatles tune, “We Can Work It Out” through the door.
LANDLORD I’m not as patient as Nurse Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back:
ROY Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes. and runs to the beat-up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turn over, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – MORNING – CONTINUOUS The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of beard clippings on the floor. GREAT IMAGE.
INT./EXT. – VAN – CONTINUOUS Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces
the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges this maniac; swerves and pulls over.
ROY Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY That’s the plan! Free room and board comin’ in from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
EXT./INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY – CONTINUOUS He swerves into a cordoned off wall of a PIGGLY WIGGLY and jumps into the back of the van just before he slams into the building.
Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo hut in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
Roy slides back into the driver’s seat as The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – and PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him – The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out – GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
LOVE THIS. ROY’S CHARACTHER JUST SHINES THROUGH YOUR DIALOGUE.
ROY Officer, Officers, a man needs his java-bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes – I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam.
Two officers approach. Roy puts his hands up.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ROY Hell, you’re just a young pup. Pop that zit, son. So where do I get my coffee?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL – EARLY AFTERNOON THREE MEN, strung-out and jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at Tyrone. The other two, A SKANKY guy and a BUTTROTTEN DUDE also in withdrawal, are agitated, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE (to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE (to the kid) Where’d you stash it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. No drugs!
ROY You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (to Pukeface) Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy) I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY I took a car, too.
TYRONE You did?
ROY Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE Tik tok.
ROY Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
THROUGH ROY’S UNIQUE AND RICH DIALOGUE, WE SEE HIS HEART. MENTORING A KID IN JAIL.
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which is supposedly something to eat.
GUARD Shut up. Back away.
He shoves the tray in.
GUARD Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY Watch me fellas. (To Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets frenzied and starts yelling.
SKANK Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD You’re gonna eat that slop.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY (feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT (howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
MAN, DID YOU EVER MAKE THE ABOVE SCENE WORK! I COULD SEE EVERY BIT OF IT.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING A GURNEY with a bandaged and splinted Roy rolls by Suzy’s station. ATTENDANT TIM taps on Suzy’s desk, drops a MANILLA file onto it and as he pushes past and into a room:
ATTENDANT TIM Broken rib. Trauma to the kidney. Dislocated shoulder. Old guy.
Suzy nods.
ATTENDANT TIM Stinks, too. Suzy stands, picks up the file, opens it as she walks. The name stops her short, and she stares into the room from the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Tim settles Roy – He fastens a restraint between the bed and Roy, moves the IV pole and shows Roy how to work the bed and hit the call button. Suzy enters.
SUZY One day, Roy. One!
ROY Babydoll!
He coughs and can’t get a breath. She takes his temperature.
SUZY Don’t test me. (To Tim) I know him. The last thing this man is, is a flight risk. GREAT LINE!
Tim looks at her.
He doesn’t need those.
Tim is not sure.
SUZY Really.
Tim removes the restraints and leaves. Suzy inserts a port and hooks up the IV line with fluids. Then she reads the thermometer.
ROY I love it when you touch me.
She ignores him.
SUZY You’re running a fever.
ROY My Suzy Q makes me hot.
He gets an internal jab and moans. She checks his chart again.
SUZY Knock it off. Behave or I’ll have you transferred. Doc will be in to see you.
She writes on the chart, and as she’s leaving:
ROY I’m starving.
She halts. Turns to a cabinet, unlocks it and takes out an Ensure type drink, and crackers – opens everything for him and heads for the exit.
ROY You’re my Joan of Arc.
SUZY And you’re in a heap of trouble, Roy. Meds will kick in soon.
As she exits.
SUZY And don’t move. That rib can puncture your heart. AM LOVING YOUR TART DIALOGUE.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Suzy strides out and her “No BS” demeanor dissolves. Worry, frustration and empathy tear at her. She flips through Roy’s narrative/chart and makes a decision.
INT. / EXT. BUS – NIGHT KIM, 60s. Her zen veneer masks her gyrating emotions. She’s a waiting tiger – a fighter with a hit-and-run approach. Her vocal self-talk demonstrates years of therapy. Holding TRAVEL BAGS, Kim speaks aloud throughout the bus ride to no-one in particular. When they pretend not to hear, she proclaims even louder, and looks at them to get their attention. LOVE KIM’S CHARACTER DESCRIPTION. CAN SEE HER PERFECTLY.
KIM Yes, I’m coming. Yes, I have a right to be there. You know I’m right.
She tugs the stop-cord and the bus pulls over to a remote area on the edge of a very dark park. A lone house with a light on inside. As she exits:
KIM I’m fine. I’m good. Don’t worry about me.
EXT. COTTAGE – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Kim circles the house. She sits in the garden facing the lit window and lights a cigarette. Kim’s words turn into a chant.
KIM I am strong. I belong. You can’t stop me. I will survive.
A woman, INGRID, 30s, society snotty, yanks the blind open and glares out. Then a man, 60s, BRIAN, comb over, a spineless Dweeb, joins the woman. Kim sees them staring. LOADED IMAGES OF PEOPLE. GREAT FREAKING STUFF! “COMB OVER, SPINELESS DWEEB” – GREAT!
KIM This is mine. Mine.
Kim gets up and goes to the door. Before she can knock, Ingrid has swung the door open.
INGRID Stupid cow.
BRIAN Kim, just leave. Don’t start this.
KIM Hi Brian.
THIS DOESN’T FEEL LIKE A TWIST TO ME. MAYBE… AFTER DOING HER BUILD UP SELF-TALK, KIM APPROACHES THE DOOR FEELING STRONG. ONE LINE FROM INGRID: “STUPID COW” SENDS HER RUNNING… AND I MEAN TEARING AWAY DOWN THE STREET, TERRIFIED OF CONFRONTATION. POSSIBLE THIS IS HER ‘CALL TO ADVENTURE’ ONE THAT SHE REJECTS. SHE CAN COME BACK, OF COURSE, AND TAKE IT ON. MAKES HER HEROIC AND LIKEABLE.
DEV
-
Hi Dev, Thank you for the encouragement. Also, last time you reminded me that all I need for the ending is the setups. That helps more than I can say. Good wishes, June
-
-
PLEASE GO AHEAD AND LOOK FOR VERSION 3
VERSION 2 Kate Ready For Critique
Synopsis of the story.
Nia has been searching for her Father for 15 years and finds him by chance in a small rural town, the last on the theatre tour she is on. The community, led by Hispanic ‘Mayor’ Luciana, is waging an escalating battle for their land and life-style against the developer in the midst – Darrogh, who is Nia’s father. Darrogh and Luciana, with a bitter past, are stunned to see Nia, recognizing her as the image of her Mother.
Nia discovers he is not the father she had idealized, and also learns the truth of her Mothers’ death from Luciana who was her Mother’s best friend before Darrogh ended their friendship. Nia is torn between believing her father can be a good man and wanting to help the community save the land from his landfill development. A sting plan is hatched to con Darrogh out of his development plans.
The final ‘telling’ takes place on stage when the troupe perform a special play revealing he has been tricked, and Nia confronts her Father with what she knows. She gives him one last chance to own his as actions and when he can’t, she leaves free and clear on the bus, out into the world, knowing the truth. Darrogh, having lost everything but most of all a chance at love, commits suicide on the steps of his giant, empty mansion..
A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
Out of the bus comes a 23year old Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. Just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f***’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I’m great!
Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a tidily caught projectle, quietly. No fuss.
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
SHAUNN
Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
SHAUNN
That all?
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Nia gives him the finger.
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
She takes the water and tips it up.
NIA
Oh-oh.
She grabs the towel again. Shaun reaches for the tumbling dreads as Nia vomits explosively, not so quiet this time.
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
LUCIANA
Siempre en ese sombrero malvado.
Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Si,estoy haciendo tortillas.
She laughs.
LUCIANA
Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.
She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.
LUCIANA
No para ti – vete!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – CONTINUED
Nia is feeling better, standing, taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.
NIA
This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.
SHAUNN
Yep! In 3 months on the road bringing live theatre to rural communities-
Nia digs him in the ribs.
NIA
Shaunn! You sound like a commercial.
SHAUNN
That’s my job! And I still can’t believe it! Making a living doing something I love, seeing places I didn’t know existed. Amazing summer.
NIA
And it’s not over – yet. There’s still time…
Shaunn looks at her. He knows what she’s thinking.
SHAUNN
(gently)
Yeah. You never know who’ll come around the corner.
Nia shakes off the mood and smiles brightly.
NIA
Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!
SHAUNN
You and those feelings!
NIA
Seriously – this last town? Gonna’
be spectacular!
She grins and hands back the water bottle. There are shouts from the rest of the troupe who are setting up camp.
NIA
Come on – set up camp time.
INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn.(Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)
Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)
A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.
NIA
It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.
SARAH
The old couple over there.
MICHAEL
And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!
SHAUNN
And we’ll never-ever leave!
AT THE BAR
IAN
Where are they staying?
DAVE
Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.
IAN
A shame her Grandpa lost that.
DAVE
He was cheated out of it.
IAN
Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.
LUIS
I’d love to get it back.
IAN
Who wouldn’t?
LUIS
Take a miracle.
SUSAN
Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!
AT THE OTHER TABLE
SYLVIE
I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.
HAROLD
Is it one of those Shakespeare things?
SYLVIE
Yes, and you‘ll like it.
HAROLD
I never understand them.
FRANCIS
What one are they doing?
HAROLD
Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.
FRANCIS
That’s them over there. We can go ask.
SYLVIE
Oh yes. Come on.
She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.
AT THE OTHER TABLE
MERCEDES
Here they come!
As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.
SYLVIE
Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.
The ‘standers’ all shake hands.
Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.
MERCEDES
I’m Mercedes.
Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.
SARAH
Sarah!
Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table and shakes hands with everyone throughout the following.
NIA
Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.
SYLVIE
Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.
TIM
Please, take a seat.
Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.
Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.
FRANCIS
Ready for the play?
SHAUNN
Absolutely!
HAROLD
Shakespeare, right? What play is it?
SARAH
Much Ado About Nothing’.
HAROLD
That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.
Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.
SUSAN
Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.
Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.
DAVE
Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?
Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.
DAVE
Do you have a permit?
SARAH
We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.
The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.
FRANCIS
Luciana!
He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.
Hades sits on it.
Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.
LUCIANA
Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!
Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.
LUCIANA
(muttering)
Santa Madre de Dios!
Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.
DAVE
Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?
Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.
LUCIANA
Green field?
MERCEDES
The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.
NIA
And do the show.
Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.
LUCIANA
I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.
SYLVIE
All?
LUCIANA
The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?
NIA
Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.
LUCIANA
Tu hablas español?
NIA
Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.
LUCIANA
That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.
FRANCIS
Then look out!
Luciana claps her hands.
LUCIANA
A round on the town to welcome our guests.
Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.
Francis pulls Luciana aside.
FRANCIS
You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.
LUCIANA
That’s why I said yes.
FRANCIS
Why did they ask you?
Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.
FRANCIS
That fake website?
LUCIANA
A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.
Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.
Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.
SYLVIE
What’s she done now?
FRANCIS
A small win in her endless battle for the farm.
SYLVIE
And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.
FRANCIS
Not yet anyway.
A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.
CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.
CUT TO:
Luciana has made her way to Nia and is leading her out of the hubbub, Hades at their heels. She is holding 2 beers.
EXT. THE QUIET STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB.
Nia is happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.
LUCIANA
Salud!
NIA
Salud!
Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.
LUCIANA
Is this your first time here, Nia?
NIA
Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?
LUCIANA
Most of my life, si. Where are you from?
NIA
East coast.
LUCIANA
You are very beautiful.
NIA
Oh, um. Thank you. You too.
LUCIANA
It is not always a good thing, is it?
NIA
It can be – challenging.
Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.
LUCIANA
I hate it!
Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.
NIA
Me too!
Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.
LUCIANA
He likes you. Let’s walk. I am liking this quiet.Do you have a dog at home?
She leads Nia down across the narrow road into a small park, under soft street light. She gestures to Hades go and he bounds off.
NIA
No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.
LUCIANA
Cuando eras una niña?
NIA
My Spanish..
LUCIANA
When you were little. A child.
Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere. Hades reappears and nuzzles Nia’s leg, asking her to rub his head.
NIA
May I?
LUCIANA
(nods)
I think you are stealing my dog.
Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.
LUCIANA
Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?
NIA
I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.
LUCIANA
Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.
Nia is jolted.
NIA
They sometimes have hair…
LUCIANA
Yes.
Nia is remembering that her mother had such a dog.
NIA
There was a dog… My mother.
LUCIANA
He was a gift to her.
Nia is a surprised at the statement and a bit uncomfortable.
They have arrived at a huge tree, Nia stops and looks back toward the pub and street
NIA
Tell me about this town.
Luciana takes the hint. She stands dramatically in the open.
LUCIANA
It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.
NIA
Who?
LUCIANA
A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.
Hades licks Luciana’s hand.
NIA
He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.
LUCIANA
He is my guide to the underworld.I can go into the darkness and come out safely.
NIA
Maybe I’ll borrow him one day.
Nia is looking pensive.
LUCIANA
Come, we need a margarita.
She leads the way back, Hades at her heels.
NIA
I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?
Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.
LUCIANA
It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.
Nia laughs and relaxes.
NIA
I want to meet her! OK! Let’s make my eyes water.
LUCIANA
(stopping)
Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.
Nia suddenly hugs her.
NIA
I think we’ll be friends. I’ll push my way to the bar. See you there.
She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades.
LUCIANA
La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.
EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING
A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.
EXT. THE FIELD, the stage – SATURDAY EVENING.
The play ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is under way, a rapt audience. On stage an early scene is playing.
DON JON
Come, Home, let us thither. This may prove food to my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow. If I can cross him any will assist me?
BORACHIO
To the death, my lord.
A car drives up, lights on lo-beam, carefully not alerting the large crowd, and parks to the rear of the audience. Darrogh gets out, puts on his hat and walks silently toward the back of the audience as the play continues.
DON JOHN
Let us to the great supper. Their cheer is the greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were o’
my mind! Shall we go prove what’s to be done?
BORACHIO
I’ll wait upon your Lordship.
They exit.
Enter Leonato, his brother, Hero his daughter (played by Nia), and Beatrice his niece, and Margaret.
LEONATO
Was not Count John here at supper?
BEATRICE
I saw him not. I never
can see him but I am heartburned an hour after.
HERO
He is of a very melancholy disposition.
At her words, Darrogh is startled and stares at her transfixed.
BEATRICE
He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick. The one is too like an image and says nothing, and the
other too like my lady’s eldest son, evermore tattling.
Nia (as Hero), moves across the stage to ‘Beatrice’ and they laugh together. Darrogh cannot take his eyes off her and through the following he is transported back.
LEONATO
Then half Signior Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth, and half Count John’s melancholy in Signior Benedick’s face—
As the actors and voices fade, Darrogh is now fully out of this reality
FADE IN:
A MEMORY IMAGE.
Darrogh only sees his beautiful young wife, Amahla, from 25 years ago, laughing and coming toward him. She is clearly Nia’s mother.
FADE OUT:
EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – CONTINUOUS
Darrogh watches as the play continues.
LEONATO
(to Hero)
Well, I trust you will be ruled by your father.
Darrogh smiles, a sort of wonder and hope on his face.
BEATRICE
Yes, faith, it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say “Father, as it please you.” But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and say “Father, as it please me.”
Darrogh shakes his head and smiles more broadly.
FADE TO:
EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – LATER
The play is over and the cast stand on the stage taking their bows. As they step off the stage Bill comes to Nia with a note.
BILL
Miss? I was asked to give you this.
He hands her the note.
NIA
Oh! From -?
BILL
My boss. He wants to – show you his house. And offer some, support for the company. In gratitude for you being here. The directions are written there.
Bill slithers off and Nia unfolds the note.
(READING)
“Do me the honor of coming to lunch tomorrow. The big house on the hill on your way out of town – you can’t miss it. We will see you at noon.”
Shaun comes over.
SHAUNN
GREAT show! What’s that?
NIA
An invitation! Lunch at that huge bloody great house on the hill.
SHAUNN
Are you going?
NIA
Of course! Told you I had a feeling.
She grins at him mischievously.
NIA
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll have my phone and it’s probably a couple of old people who want to support the arts. And I bet I can run faster than they can. Come on – let’s go celebrate and hey? Secret right? I don’t want to listen to Sarah go on about ‘why wasn’t she asked’!
They run off to join the crowd.
INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE – NEXT DAY,12.30
Nia is in awe of his beautiful place and Darrogh is proud to show her around. They are finishing the ‘tour’ and have arrived in the living room.
DARROGH
You can see I’ve put a lot of effort into this place. Not just the money, but every detail thought through and meticulously executed.
NIA
It is perfect! It’s like the best set I’ve ever been on.
DARROGH
Set?
NIA
Yes! The set designer and director choose what to put where. It’s all carefully laid out, the entrances and exits. Details of furniture, props, what colors.
DARROGH
And all that because?
NIA
So the audience knows where they are, who the characters are by their surroundings, and what it means.
DARROGH
Interesting. What do you see when you see my ‘set’?
NIA
I see a man with eclectic taste, who likes to have things. He can afford them so he has them.
DARROGH
They’re beautiful things, right? And very valuable, no rubbish here.
NIA
You have a good eye.
DARGOGH
I’m forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?
NIA
Oh no. I should be getting back to camp. But thank you. This was a lovely tour. I really appreciate it.
DARROGH
I wanted you to see it. I… Please, just a glass of wine.
He is oddly vulnerable and Nia responds to that.
NIA
Well, thank you. That’d be lovely. I don’t think anyone will really miss me. Although Sarah was a bit jealous she didn’t get to come.
As he speaks, Darrogh takes a fine red out of the cabinet, two cut crystal wine glasses, expertly removes the cork and pours.
DARROGH
I’m sure she was. Everyone wants to see this house. I don’t ask many people. This is one of my best reds. You’ll appreciate it. Here.
He hands her one of the glasses.
Nia is a bit taken aback. She’s not a red drinker and wasn’t asked but she is a good guest.
NIA
Oh! Thank you.
DARROGH
To your visit here! May it be all that you hope it will be.
Darrogh takes a sip and regards her carefully as she takes one. Nia makes the appropriate ‘yummy’ face. She is after all an actress.
NIA
A nice – finish. Do you mean my visit to this community or to this house?
DARROGH
(dismissively of the town)
Oh, my house – of course.
NIA
Hmm. I didn’t really have any ‘hopes’ coming here. Why me? I don’t get that usual ‘older guy’ vibe from you.
DARROGH
(amused)
‘Older guy vibe’?
NIA
You know, coming on to younger – much younger – women. I could be your daughter!
Darrogh is taken aback. He’s not used to this age group’s directness. And it is right on the nose.
NIA
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that I’ve had to learn to read that. Being in the ‘show biz’ world (a bit) and being, looking, how I do. There’s plenty of creeps out there.
Darrogh recovers.
DARROGH
I am sure there are and yes. Looking like you do. And that’s why I invited you.
Nia steps back. She is suddenly very uncomfortable. Has she misread this man after all?
DARROGH
I am sure you’re looking for the exits on this set! But don’t worry. Sit, please. And I’ll tell you why I invited you. You read the ‘vibe’ right.
Nia hesitates and then sits, pointedly, at the far end of the sofa near a door/exit.
NIA
By the exit.
DARROGH
Yes.
Darrogh takes another sip. Nia sits very still and watches him.
NIA
Are you going to sit?
DARROGH
No – I’ll stand over here – by my exit.
He is closer to the other doorway into the room.
Nia grins.
NIA
Sounds fair.
There is a pause.
NIA
Your cue.
DARROGH
Cue?
NIA
Yes. After my line then it’s your turn.
DARROGH
Ah, yes. I don’t know where to start.
NIA
‘Looking like I do’… Why you invited me?
Darrogh takes a breath and plunges in, with poise however.
DARROGH
I have a beautiful house with beautiful things in it. But it’s empty. The most beautiful, precious thing I ever had isn’t here. You remind me.
NIA
I don’t know ….
She is staring at him now. Some memory stirring.
DARROGH
I’m Darrogh – Ian – McGrath. You are my daughter.
Nia gasps. Spills her wine. Catches the glass.
Darrogh moves quickly to help her. Sits beside her.
DARROGH
It was such a shock to see you. You’re just like – her.
He touches her hair gently, paternally, longingly.
DARROGH
Your hair, the shape of your face, that tilt to the chin. I couldn’t believe it when you laughed on stage last night.
NIA
You’re my father? My Dad? Oh, my Dad.
She starts to cry. Darrogh holds her awkwardly until she gathers herself.
Nia sits back and looks at him with joyful wonder.
Then with a real laugh.
NIA
Where the fuck have you been? And you changed your name!
DARROGH
Hiding, I guess. Just the first name and it’s the name I make people use. But I missed you every day. I just couldn’t…
NIA
I know. After Mom died. Nanna told me. I want to know all about you – your life, what you’ve been doing. Nanna and Grandpa said you were doing wonderful things in the world, really hard work and lots of traveling.
DARROGH
It did. I was. But I sent money. I made sure you had everything you needed.
NIA
Yes, you did and now I have you!
She hugs him tightly. That’s what she really wanted always.
Darrogh hugs her back and then sets her away from him so he can see her.
DARROGH
This house needs you. You belong here. I built the set but it was waiting for the actress.
NIA
You knew I was an actress?
DARROGH
I knew you went to drama school. I didn’t know where you were. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to appear on some tiny wooden stage in a field right where I live!
NIA
That must have been huge!!
DARROGH
I thought I’d seen a ghost.
NIA
Not a ghost. Me. Nia. Amahla’s daughter.
DARROGH
My daughter. And now, you can move into my home, with me.
Nia is delighted. This is a dream come true.
NIA
Nothing I want more! I’ll go back to the Camp, stay one more night, say goodbye and be back tomorrow.
DARROGH
Don’t let me down, Nia. Your Mother
-. I can’t go through that again.
NIA
Don’t worry, Dad! I’m as healthy as they come. I won’t get sick, I promise.
Darrogh grabs her hand.
DARROGH
Stay with me.
NIA
Of course. Of course. You’re my Dad. We have a lot to catch up on and stories to tell.
She hugs him again, her head buried in his chest. Darrogh looks over her head, something hard, and almost triumphant in his face, even as he holds her tenderly.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
-
Hey Kate!
Want to exchange feedback?
-
Sure! just got this – somehow the auto notification that someone posted to me doesnt arrive.. Ive toggled it over and over again. I’ll get to yours in the next hr or and always would love to get your notes
🙂
-
-
Critique for KATE
1. Line by line on the first page.
00A MISSING HEADLINE: FADE IN:
00B HEADLINE: A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON
SUGGESTION: Perhaps the headline should follow the convention: EXT. [NAME OF THE TOWN] — A PEACEFUL FIELD… etc
01 ACTION: A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
SUGGESTION: Perhaps, follow a pattern that first describes where we are and then, what happens, followed by details. Like this:
A dirt track with a stand of oak trees. [First line. This is where we are]
An old school bus drives up the road and parks by the trees. [This is what happens and then…] The bus is brightly painted red, white and blue. It carries a load on the roof and a small trailer that is also packed high. [These details help introduce your character(s)]
02 ACTION: Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
SUGGESTION: Add space and apostrophe: “Seven young people (20’s) emerge…
03 ACTION: Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
04 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: Out of the bus comes SHAUNN, a 23 year-old Asian-American man with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
05 DIALOGUE: SHAUNN Come on Nia. Just get up and come out here.
COMMENT: [punctuation: use comma] Come on, Nia.
06 ACTION: He stops and leans in.
07 DIALOGUE: SHAUNN (CONT’D) Good girl! See? Better, right?
08 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, half-black-half-white, steps onto the bottom step.
COMMENT: I said this before, but I will say it again. Your characters are so multi-cultural! There is so much beauty in the way you describe them.
09 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f***’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
COMMENT: Same as above. What an introduction for the protagonist! A vulnerable human, who is an ELF of a woman, but she is disguised in regular PJs decorated with black puppies. Awesome!
10 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: A weave of wild, dreadlocked reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
11 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass. Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.
The opening scene consists on the introduction of the protagonist. The twist consists on Nia changing sides. She gets closer to Darrogh while she becomes distant from Luciana and the town people.
3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.
The opening leaves us with questions that make us read further:
Will Nia discover the type of man his father is? Will she turn against her friends in the theater company and the town? How will Luciana get Nia out of Darrogh’s grip?
4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages. We won’t be critiquing page 2 – 10 line by line. But you’ll still want to make it as good as you can so people fall in love with your story.
- The opening is currently 26 pages long. It would be important to flesh out this section, so that it becomes a 10-page work with the identified structure and characteristics of great openings.
- The story opening could fit well into the INSTANT CONFLICT model. In the words of Hal:
- “The key here is to make the opening about an ESSENTIAL conflict for your story. Then find a way to express it that has substantial meaning.”
- The scene with Luciana at THE MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO could work well as Instant Conflict on page one, followed by the arrival of the old school bus, the social gathering where a shortened conversation between Luciana and Nia happens, and then Nia visiting the house where the inciting incident takes place.
Here are some suggestions for the Mexican style hacienda patio scene:
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
SUGGESTION: Remember to use standard headline conventions
01 ACTION: In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
SUGGESTION: Describe the outdoor cooking area. Better include the location in the slug line. NOTE: If the first thing was a establishing shot on the hacienda and then a close the dog while Luciana (O.S.) speaks on the phone, it would be so cute/entertaining even for non-Spanish speakers who could get the idea of what’s happening by watching the dog’s reactions.
02 CHARACTER INTRODUCTION: LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
COMMENT: This description smells like corn. I mean, it feels, it smells so authentic, like the corn tortillas that I miss so much on this side of the world.
03 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
COMMENT: A 50 year-old Spanish speaking woman with Mexican background would say one of these:
“¡Si, si! ¡El es imposible! ¡Es un hijo de la fregada!”
“¡Si, si! ¡El es imposible! ¡Es un hijo de la que lo trajo!”
04 ACTION: She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
05 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA
Siempre en ese sombrero malvado. Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Si,estoy haciendo tortillas.
SUGGESTION: Sí, sí. Y siempre trae su sombrero de villano. Ah y déjame decirte que se siente soñado. Yes, it´s an ugly villain´s hat. Sí, estoy haciendo tortillas. ¿Tú gustas? ¡Claro, muy a la orden! [The last couple of phrases mean: “Would you like some?” “Of course, they’re here ready for you” which leads to the idea: “Of course, come eat tomorrow and we’ll make a plan.”]
06 ACTION: She laughs.
07 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA
Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.
SUGGESTION: ¡Claro que sí! Come eat mañana y hacemos un plan.
08 ACTION: She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.
09 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA
No para ti – vete!
SUGGESTION: No. No son para ti. ¡Sácate!
[That expression “¡Sácate!” is chiefly Latin American and it is funny when you think that it means “get out” but it literally translates as: “Get yourself out” Ha-ha!]
10 ACTION: The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
11 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
12 ACTION: As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
13 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.
COMMENT: This is where the INSTANT CONFLICT is presented using ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE and why this scene could make a great opening, first page, for the story.
SUGGESTION: “Adiós por ahora” sounds too rude for a Mexican lady. They usually express that they don’t want to let you go by saying good-bye a hundred times before ending a phone conversation. Like: “Como no. Clara que sí. Mañana, entonces. See you then. Muchos besos. Hasta luego. Bye.” If she did’t say at least this much, it would feel cold and impolite.
14 ACTION: She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
COMMENT: If this was the opening scene, at this point, we would know that there is a conflict between Darrogh and Luciana, that Luciana is not alone in her fight against Darrogh, and we would be ready to meet the protagonist on page 2. This would help us to care more for Nia, the vulnerable, wonderful young girl who… “Oh, no! She doesn’t know what she’s getting into!”
Hope this helps, Kate!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
THANK you! I am mot getting the email notification that someone has posted to me and I’ve toggled and toggled.. the options. so I apologise. I’ll look a your later tis eve. HUGE thanks for the Mexican Spanish
if/when this script progresses would love to work with you on that.. throughout
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
NOTE: PLEASE LOOK FOR VERSION 2 – WELCOME TO CRITIQUE!
[It’s posted below around 119]
Antonio Flores Ready for Critique! VERSION 1
1. Give us a one or two paragraph synopsis of the story.
Feature title: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage
LOGLINE: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges and fights for him to the end.
2. Using the Skill Mastery Sheet, do a rewrite of your first ten pages to prepare them for a critique.
FADE IN:
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Break up. Break up. (beat) Tell her: go to hell! (beat) Gotta break up! (beat) or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
The cold frame of a treadmill stands like a ghost ship harbored in a sea of trash and dirt. The control panel glows in the darkness like a dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.
SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM
A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about loneliness.
A tungsten-glaring lamp lights up like a full moon whose glowing neglects everything except for the treadmill.
Through the shades, pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC and her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.
An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase:
“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“
… engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child, a young girl cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty — except that she doesn’t buy any of that.
Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa, mid-20’s, slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…
PICTURE FRAME
… replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.
She pours a bottle of water on her head and climbs on the treadmill like one who gets on the back of an untamed beast.
============ end of page 1==============
Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and a burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster with a BUZZ.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)
Say we’re going far while I’m here, stuck in the same old place.
She quickly wipes off her tears. So…
HER EXPERT EYES
… can focus on the console and push the…
UP ARROWS
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Higher… Higher… Excellence…
THE PICTURES ON THE WALL…
… echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.
The digits on the control panel…
DISTANCE, SPEED
… roll up fast. All set for high standards.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)
Show me miles and miles. Make me feel I’m reaching.
She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.
Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.
Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry.
SHRIEEEK ! ! !
It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.
The treadmill-ghost-ship reluctantly sets off on a fitness journey with Parisa at the helm.
============ end of page 2==============
Her sneakers rhythmically pound on the band.
She builds up speed. Then slows down and adds some Thai-boxing moves to her jogging.
Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.
SHRIEEEK ! ! !
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.
ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.
SUPER: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM
Right in the middle, men with muscled physiques wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…
OCTAGON CAGE
Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.
Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he connects an OOF back spinning kick in the middle of Red’s plexus, which makes Red crash against the cage wall.
As Red bounces back, Blue THUD-THUD sinks his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red stumbles. Moves back. The cheers get LOUD!
But then, Red strikes back. He WHOMP kicks and WHACK pins down his opponent. Blue can’t stand up.
Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE – SAME TIME
Lights off. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair.
BAHADUR, 29, Iran ex-paramilitary, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms.
============ end of page 3==============
Someone insistently knocks on the door.
The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding.
Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.
A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.
SYLVAIN
Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—
Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur covers his eyes.
BAHADUR
Aargh!
SYLVAIN
Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go kick butts, mon cher ami.
Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up.
The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair.
He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
C’mon. I promised I’d take care of you. Don’t want my niece to lose her faith on me, OK?
The fighter’s mask is left on the table.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Oh, my— (picks it up) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.
One of them sits on a pile of boxes.
FRED CORNER, late 40’s, talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.
FRED
Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!
============ end of page 4==============
Right in front of him, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK advances through the crowd towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.
FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)
Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!
Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred.
FRED (CONT’D)
Lemme be your investment adviser! I’m Cash-Only-Fred, Clean-Bets-Fred. Hey, Father! Think profits!
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.
Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.
Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – ARENA GATE
Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.
SYLVAIN
OK, mon ami. You stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and we walk to the cage. Stay with me.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE
Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.
Following his sign, security guards push the crowd away, clearing the path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter to enter the cage.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)
Hey-hey-hey! First time ever! LIVE in New York! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… Ladies and gents, make no mistake, this is no one else but the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ!
============ end of page 5==============
Recklessness surge. Bets flow to solicitors as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE
Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)
And who’s gonna face our special guest? I cannot find a better man than our very own New York adopted son fighter! The undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR!
Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way.
CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL
Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.
SYLVAIN
You know I would call this off, but mom’s hospital bills are sucking your bank funds.
Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Besides, I think you stand a better chance against just one man in that cage than against an angry mob… specially after they’ve laid their money on you.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths.
Sylvain takes a look inside the cage.
============ end of page 6==============
SYLVAIN’S POV
Shahnaz flexing muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. Growls like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.
BACK TO SCENE:
Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around towards Bahadur. Tries to stop him from looking inside the cage.
SYLVAIN
Second thought, I guess we should better take our chances with the mob. Think you could run fast?
Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.
BAHADUR
Gotta finish this, Pops!
Security guards quickly lock up the gate.
INSIDE THE CAGE
The two fighters stand face to face.
The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.
SYLVAIN
Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!
Guards utter no sound.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?
GUARD ONE
Sir. We got no towels to throw. A match is over when, uh, when it’s over. Y’ know what I mean?
SYLVAIN
B-but the rules—
============ end of page 7==============
GUARD ONE
There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !
SYLVAN (mumbles along)
Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!
Sylvain’s expression floods with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.
IN THE CAGE
Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a SIDE FLIP to double kick Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas and quickly transitions into leg submission.
Maroon Cloak stands by the giant’s corner. He holds a dagger. More than half of the blade has changed into blood-red color.
MEMORY FLASH – THE CUT
Maroon Cloak bumps on Bahadur. He feels pain in his arm. There is a cut on the sleeve of his jacket.
BACK TO THE CAGE
Bahadur feels weak. He glances at a cut on his arm. Vanishes.
THE DAGGER BLADE…
…has finished its color transformation. The crowd whistles at the second upset of the night.
CROWD AREA
A big brawl starts off.
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.
Cellphone vibrates, but the LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.
The device screen displays a TEXT PREVIEW.
============ end of page 8==============
SYLVAIN: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”.
WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.
A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE
— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS – DAY
— Parisa runs upstairs.
PARISA (V.O.)
How long ago?
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)
After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. It was a KO. Never got to the hospital.
— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S BEDROOM — DAY
— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.
— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.
— Frantically searches for something.
PARISA (V.O.)
Are you okay, Pops?
— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.
— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)
Oui, yah. I’m just calling ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?
PARISA (V.O.) I don’t know. Guess I just, uh, I MUST find him, Pops!
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation) How did you know? (beat) YOU. KNEW. THIS. (beat) But how? How?
PARISA (V.O.) Is mom still…
============ end of page 9==============
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)
Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. But don’t worry. I’ll think up something. Bah! You know me.
— Parisa opens the box.
— Pulls a Middle East style…
— PENDANT NECKLACE
— She unlatches it.
PARISA (V.O.)
Merci, Pops.
— THE PENDANT… opens like a pocket watch. Glows inside.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)
Hey. Uh… Hello?
— PARISA PERPLEXED
— Looks inside the pendant. Fear floods her expression.
SYLVAIN (V.O.)
A-are you still there?
PARISA (V.O.)
Oui. I (beat) I gotta go. I will call you when I land in New York.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)
Oui, oui. Uh, I mean. Be careful. Those bastards—
— INT. APARTMENT DOOR – DAY
— She leaves the house with a carelessly fasten backpack on her shoulder.
PARISA (V.O.)
I know, I know. Take care, Pops.
END OF MONTAGE
============ end of page 10==============
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
Hey Antonio!
Want to exchange feedback?
-
Absolutely yes, Cameron! I will do that tonight while I wait for the Free-Class-Friday (at 3:00 AM local time!)🤓
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
-
Hey Antonio!
Here are my notes!
_______
FADE IN:
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Break up. Break up. (beat) Tell her: go to hell! (beat) Gotta break up! (beat) or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.
[NOTE: If you want to include pacing in your dialogue, you can substitute a “(beat)” with a “…”. The latter is more subtle and keeps the reader cruising through your story. Also, “FADE IN” on what exactly? Personally, I’m not a fan of editorial directions, or instructions related to other artists involved in the filming and production of your movie script, BUT if you want to include a “FADE IN,” make sure we know what we’re looking at, even if it’s a black screen.]
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
[NOTE: Short and sweet. I like it.]
The cold frame of a treadmill stands like a ghost ship harbored in a sea of trash and dirt. The control panel glows in the darkness like a dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.
[NOTE: No. On one hand, you’re communicating an emotion in the space. But you’re using near double the amount of words necessary for a screenplay. Don’t get me wrong. This opening description would work amazingly for a novel or short story. But within the craft of screenwriting, you have to communicate everything (emotion, action/blocking, setting, etc.) in the fewest words possible. Even more, this sort of literary skill set can be exhaustive to a set designer when they’re considering how to dress the space. Try…
A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.
…It communicates the same information with about half the words. Writing efficiently like this will keep the reader focused on the story and visuals, and have them speed from one page to the next, hopefully getting through your entire script in one sitting.]
SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM
A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about loneliness.
[NOTE: This is efficient and good for script writing. Since you include the lyrics later on, letting us in on what the song is here would be helpful.]
A tungsten-glaring lamp lights up like a full moon whose glowing neglects everything except for the treadmill.
[NOTE: This is too wordy for script writing. I’m spending too much time deciphering the intent in the word play, instead of cruising through your script. Metaphors are great when used sparingly or with few words. Also, like with the set designer, a lighting technician may have frustrations as well with trying to light the room in such a way as a “full moon [illuminating only the treadmill].” If you’re lucky, the lighting technician, set designer, and director will all make better decisions in their respective craft, and by extension make your amazing story come to life in ways you couldn’t imagine.
A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.]
Through the shades, pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC and her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.
An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase:
“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“
… engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child, a young girl cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty — except that she doesn’t buy any of that.
[NOTE: This description would be stronger if we saw Parisa reacting to the frame. Otherwise, the explanation of how Parisa feels about it should be limited to the fact that she placed sticky tape over the frame. The audience is more than smart enough to figure out Parisa’s feelings on their own…]
Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa, mid-20’s, slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…
PICTURE FRAME
… replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.
[NOTE: …Like that.]
She pours a bottle of water on her head and climbs on the treadmill like one who gets on the back of an untamed beast.
[NOTE: I’m guessing she just got done with a difficult workout and is now “cooling down” by running on a treadmill? It’s difficult to tell. Concrete actions tell us far more about a character than metaphor. Metaphor is great for establishing tone, but a little goes a long way. Cut the comparisons and “like this…,” and use the additional space to tell us what Parisa is doing, what did she just do. You don’t need to explain the how or why. We’ll get all of that and more just through what she does.]
============ end of page 1==============
ON THE TWIST…
The twists of magical items (dagger and talisman) feel very reminiscent of martial arts action movies from the 60’s through the 80’s. Bahadur stands no chance, to looks like he’s going to succeed, to having the fight stolen from him in a supernatural way. It’s very interesting.
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
Your inciting incident of Bahadur being taken, and Parisa jumping into action is strong. We have our clear finish line before page 10, and want to know what happens next.
ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…
There’s a mix of great description and wordy metaphor. I would make it a goal to fit all of Parisa’s treadmill scene on page 1 and start the boxing at the bottom of page 1 if possible, top of page 2 as least.
Fred’s description is great. Tells us the kind of guy he is by giving us a scenario. Brilliant.
The description gets a LOT better after the first few pages. I would be careful with the fight description and not get too specific with martial arts terminology, as not everyone will know what a reverse spinning back kick is or a triple spinning crescent kick. Plus, a fight choreographer may come up with something different. This is something I have to remind myself of all the time. I think what you have here is fine and doesn’t go too far. Having us feel those hits will always be more important to convey: His foot CRATERS the rib cage, Her elbow DRILLS his jaw, A fist SLAMS the kidney, FOLDING THE OTHER FIGHTER IN HALF.
I’m interested in reading more! I grew up on POWER RANGERS, 3 NINJAS, THE MATRIX, KICKBOXER and DRAGON BALL Z, so this is obviously right up my alley. You’re going to have a blast of a script. Can’t wait to see the rest of the story.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Thanks for the detailed notes, Cameron. I always wonder how much description is enough and considering that it is easier to cut than to add, I tend to write more than what cinematic conventions allow. Reading your work, I also noticed how brevity has contributed to clarity, readability, and emotional impact. Much appreciated! 🤗
-
-
Critique for Antonio
Hello, Antonio, I own you a feedback. But, if you chose to read mine, please read second version, posted bellow under my first post. Thanks.
LOGLINE: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges and fights for him to the end.
ITS A GOOD LOGLINE
FADE IN:
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Break up. Break up. (beat) Tell her: go to hell! (beat) Gotta break up! (beat) or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.
SETS PREDICAMENT OF DANGER FOR PARISA?
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
The cold frame of a treadmill stands like a ghost ship harbored in a sea of trash and dirt. The control panel glows in the darkness like a dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.
ITS POETIC
SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM
A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about loneliness.
IF THERE IS A PARTICULAR SONG, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE ITS TITLE
A tungsten-glaring lamp lights up like a full moon whose glowing neglects everything except for the treadmill.
Through the shades, pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC and her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.
COOL USE OF MEDIA TO CREATE A SET
An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase:
“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“
… engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child, a young girl cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty — except that she doesn’t buy any of that.
Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa, mid-20’s, slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…
PICTURE FRAME
… replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.
She pours a bottle of water on her head and climbs on the treadmill like one who gets on the back of an untamed beast.
THE BIGGEST WAR IS WITH OURSELVES
WELL, AS A GIRL, IM CURIOUS WHATS INSIDE OF MEDALION. TO USE VOICE OVER AS SHE GATHERS IS A GOOD FIND.
I FIND THAT BAHADUR’S FIGHT IS STILL LITTLE DEPICTED. INSTEAD, UNCLE IS IN HYSTERIA. YOU SHANT EXCHANGE IT AND COVER WITH THAT. BESIDES, IF BAHADUR WAS WINING. CONTRARY, IF YOU GIVE A SHOW OF HOW THEY FIGHT, BAHADUR IS WINNING, UNCLE, EVEN SCARED, SHALL NOT COMPLAIN, BUT EXPECT BAHADUR TO WIN. THEN WHEN HE GETS POISONED, THAT CREATES BIGGER TWIST.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY FIGHT. DID YOU STUDY MARTIAL ARTS? AND I WAS SO STRUGLING WITH MY SINGLE COMBAT SCENE, STILL UNDONE.
-
Alice, thanks for your comments. I will be taking action upon them right now. Later tonight, I will be reviewing your newest version. It is a pleasure to read your sci-fi work. Yes, I am a Chinese martial arts coach. Probably, we can collaborate and figure something out for your fighting scene. Let me know!
-
WWould be wonderful! I just have no words to use. My knowledge is limited by tekwondo and tie chi, followed by drawings in a broshure, but that was long time ago!
-
-
-
ok here goes. first as I thjink Ive said before I know nothing of this world (and dont like it I must say) but I am hooked by this opening and oddly care about Parisa
While I like the novelistic descriptions I guess we’d be told to much for screenlpay…
and now some notes/comments
Do you need the Or:
or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.
Great!! feeling, look, anxiety in one swoop
‘The cold frame of a treadmill stands like a ghost ship harbored in a sea of trash and dirt. The control panel glows in the darkness like a dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.’
Nice juxtapositon/contrast to the picture and her tenderness with it.
is this the same voice as the singing one earlier?
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)
and the next few femaleVO crooning – confused if it a song or her thoughts? or?
like the ref to the pics on the walls with the current action
? Her sneakers rhythmically pound on the band ?.
The jump into the men in the cage is a great segue – we immediately want to know how these people are going to connect
definitely a provocative opening!
and action opening with a unique world for sure!
very good use of words and images!
and lots of questions raised at once. but also somehow connected
the 3rd page twist into the Underground fight world – ups the ante even if not directly related to the first person we have met..
Into Bahafur
how do we know it is the same place but Backstage? – is it a sound crossover?
I noticed , there seems to be info in the lead into the onscreen stuff that wont be known to the audience. how does that info get across? eg a young girl cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty — except that she doesn’t buy any of that.
and ‘ Iran ex-paramilitary, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR’
Fred is a nice change to the previous characters!
Yikes! terrifyingly tight ‘Oh Shit’ as B heads to the cage
The start of the fight is unexpected and then knife bit confusing.. at least in first read..
‘He glances at a cut on his arm. Vanishes’
it happened prior to this?
a bit of a jump from Night text message to next day… what did she do in that space of time?
it has been such consistent tight nonstop action since the beginning that without a transition (or quiet action lying sleeplss in bed or..) it feels odd to do nothing for how many hours??
I guess I’m a bit lost tracking the night work out and then day time running upstairs?
this is gorgeously eerie; if a bit confusing.. is it a voice we have heard before?
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation) How did you know? (beat) YOU. KNEW. THIS. (beat) But how? How?
great last page and is the movie about finding B? I think that’s it right!
good job – clean and yet complex.
-
Dear Kate, thanks! “Eres buena como el pan” to say the least. Your questions made me reflect on some relevant issues about the story. For the record, I am a Chinese martial arts coach trained in a university in China and so, like Parisa in this story, I have learned the difference between being a ‘fighter’ and the lifestyle of the ‘martial arts’. More on that with a cup of wine in the future. 👍
-
Good as bread?!! 😄 (yes I had to put it into the online translation thingy!)
-
-
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
Dana Ready to Critique
HELP! I have been struggling with my first ten pages. I’ve been cutting and editing, and what I have posted is far from perfect. I am beyond 10 pages. But I needed to get this out there for critique.
I am thinking I need to restructure the opening, and rather than having Jason call and threaten Ellen’s family, have Ryan, the psychopathic alter, call Ellen to threaten her family. This would mean rewriting the outline and the script from the beginning.
Questions:
Do I dump the opening scene and begin with Ellen receiving the bad news she’s been cancelled?
Do I start the first scene with Ellen taking the call from the psychotic alter who threatens her family with a cryptic message: “It’s 9:48. Do you know where your family is?” A teaser for what’s to come?
Please, give me your opinions. I would live to exchange critiques to give myself something else to think about. Thank you.
SYNPOSIS
Ellen Landry is a radio psychologist who receives a call from a previous patient suffering from DID. The psychotic alter threatens to kill Ellen’s kidnapped family if she doesn’t convince her patient to surrender control to him or one of his other identities.
FIRST TEN PAGES
FADE IN:
Over DARKNESS, we HEAR two people talking.
MAN’S VOICE
Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?
WOMAN’S VOICE
Tell me.
MAN’S VOICE
This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.
The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.
She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.
ELLEN
What makes you feel that way?
MAN (O.S.)
Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.
ELLEN
The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?
MAN (O.S.)
My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.
ELLEN
Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?
MAN (O.S.)
Polyamorous. What an elegant word.
ELLEN
You’re avoiding the question.
MAN (O.S.)
You noticed.
(beat)
To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.
ELLEN
Have you told your partner how you feel?
MAN (O.S.)
He has deaf ears.
ELLEN
You have a right to your own voice. It’s your relationship, too.
MAN (O.S.)
If it were only that simple…
ELLEN
Maybe it is. If you’re not happy, you should consider a break. Take time to decide what you want for the both of you.
MAN (O.S.)
You mean surrender?
ELLEN
A break isn’t surrender. It’s an opportunity to breathe, to take a step back and see things from the distance.
A long beat. Ellen notices his mood suddenly change.
MAN (O.S.)
They got to you, didn’t they?
ELLEN
Excuse me?
MAN (O.S.)
That’s it, isn’t it? You’re talking to them. They want me gone. This is an intervention.
ELLEN
What? No. Why would you think that?
MAN (O.S.)
I trusted you, doctor. I bore my soul to you. And you betray me?
ELLEN
Never. I’d never betray our trust.
MAN (O.S.)
They’ve heard my every thought. My secrets. And now they’re scared of me… afraid of what I might do.
Anxious, Ellen realizes she losing control of her patient.
ELLEN
What might you do?
MAN (O.S.)
They want to disappear me. Drag me back… after I crawled my way out from that hell. And you’re helping them.
ELLEN
That isn’t true. You need to calm down.
MAN (O.S.)
Do you know how it feels to wander in the abyss? Abandoned? Lost? To hear them whisper from the shadows? Conspiring… beyond reach?
ELLEN
This is making me nervous. I think we should stop here for the day.
MAN (O.S.)
I can’t allow that. If I leave this room, they’ll win. I know that now. I’d be banished to the dark… their hands, cold on me…
ELLEN
You have to stop this now.
MAN (O.S.)
Yes… I do.
Ellen’s eyes go wild in shock as — BANG! — a small caliber pistol FIRES. The man’s body FLOPS to the floor. A beat.
We HEAR the door BURST open. A woman GASPS. “Oh, my God!” People flock into the room. VOICES — “Ellen! Oh, dear God. Ellen!” “Someone call the cops!” “Ellen? Are you hurt?” “Call the ambulance!” “Someone call the police!”
FADE TO BLACK:
SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE. A MAN YANKS A PULL CHAIN AND A LIGHTBULB BLINKS ON.
INT. SMALL ROOM – NIGHT
Windowless. Stone walls. Exposed pipes.
CHAINS AND SHACKLES DROP to the floor. The MAN, unseen, wraps and padlocks a chain to a heavy pipe. He wraps another and tests the lock with a tug.
He sets a portable radio on a table and extends the antenna. He tests the reception. The radio CHIRPS. Off again.
He yanks the pull chain. The LIGHTBULB blinks off. The door CLOSES. Darkness again. The bolt LOCKS into place.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Dim lighting. Lots of shadows.
He flips open a laptop on a table, plugs it into a socket.
One by one, he lays cell phones out in a line. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, a hunting knife, and a .38 special follow.
We HEAR him WALK UPSTAIRS. The lights go out. The basement door CLOSES. DARKNESS.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING
A brisk day. The city is alive. We HEAR a series of NEWS UPDATES like someone flipping channels.
RADIO HOST 1 (V.O.)
…west-bound across the Bay Bridge is backed-up due to a stalled SUV in the number four lane. CHP is on scene, but expect delays…
RADIO HOST 2 (V.O.)
…won five to four from a walk-off home run by Stagnetti in the bottom of the ninth…
Closing in on a small office building with a radio tower.
RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)
…clear with a high of seventy-six and an overnight dropping into the mid-forties.
EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – EXTABLISHING – MORNING
RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)
And that’s news, traffic and weather. I’m Mike Wells, KCSF, thirteen-sixty AM, San Francisco.
Bumper music, CCR’s “Fortunate Son,” starts playing —
INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
CCR continues on the wall speaker. PETER WHITE, KCSF station manager, mid-fifties, wedding ring, heavyset, years of radio experience, turns the volume down. He wears a phone headset while talking with JERRY BURNS, his boss.
PETER
Her ratings aren’t that bad.
JERRY
They’re not that good, either. The twenty to thirty demo isn’t tuning in. And her nighttime audience didn’t follow.
PETER
Maybe another marketing campaign. Have her do some guest spots.
JERRY
Marketing isn’t the problem, Pete. And you know it. She’s just not confrontational. And radio needs conflict.
PETER
Yeah, I know… I know.
JERRY
Look, I get it. She’s your friend, and you wanted to help her, we both did, especially after what happened. But her ratings are flat. And I need to sell advertising. I can’t justify picking up her option.
PETER
No, I understand. I do.
JERRY
You’re a great station manager, Pete. But don’t let friendship cloud your judgment. It’s just business.
PETER
I’ll tell here when she gets in.
Jerry hangs up. Pete removes the headset, dejected.
EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS
An SUV bounds into the lot and zooms into a space. Ellen kicks open the door and drops out. She slings an oversized purse and computer bag and dashes to the doors, swiping at the coffee-stain map of South America on her skirt.
INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS
CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish. She never misses a Woodstock reunion. She’s in full mother mode when Ellen comes through the door and shuffles her through reception.
CLAIRE
Where have you been? I called you thirty minutes ago.
ELLEN
Mackenzie refused to get out of bed. Samantha forgot to do her homework. Roger’s car wouldn’t start — again…
CLAIRE
Never mind. Give me those —
She grabs Ellen’s purse and computer bag.
ELLEN
How late am I?
CLAIRE
Just hurry.
(noting the stain)
What happened there?
ELLEN
My Starbucks slipped.
CLAIRE
Well… He’s a man. He won’t care.
GAIL SIMMONS, the model receptionist, watches the twosome scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, amused.
INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
A RAP on the door, barely audible. From his desk, Peter looks up, takes a breath, releases a guilt-ridden sigh.
PETER
Shit.
EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY
Claire stands near the edge smoking. She pushes out a long, steady stream like a pro.
CLAIRE
Shit.
Claire and passes her smoke to Ellen.
CLAIRE (CONT’D)
New owners. They want a fast return on their investment.
Ellen takes a puff, sucking in her cheeks — total amateur. She frowns at the taste.
ELLEN
How do you smoke these?
CLAIRE
They keep my weight down.
Ellen can’t pass it back fast enough.
ELLEN
Do you think I’m hiding?
CLAIRE
Because of what happened?
(Ellen nods)
You’ll go back when you’re ready.
ELLEN
Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back. That I tell people what they want to hear to avoid the conflict.
CLAIRE
You’re a good person, Ellen. And you’re a good psychologist. You want to help people.
(beat)
But this is radio. And we’re just a bunch of cutthroat fuckers.
Claire takes another drag on her cigarette. A reflective moment, both ladies staring off into the city.
CLAIRE (CONT’D)
One caller. That’s all we needed. Just one caller.
Claire flicks the cigarette off the edge.
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen fidgets with her chair, adjusting the height way up. She puts on her headphones and settles in at the microphone.
INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
Claire, headset on, gets ready — adjusting the sound board, checking the caller screen.
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen’s cell phone BUZZES. The screen reads ROGER. She stares at it, reluctant to answer. Through the glass, Claire notes her reluctance.
CLAIRE
(over headset)
You’ve got three minutes.
Ellen answer the call on speaker. The sound is loud and airy, lots of road noise. Roger is almost yelling.
ELLEN
Hi, Honey.
ROGER
Hi, Babe. Hold on.
(to someone else)
Say hello to mommy.
ELLEN
Where are you guys?
ROGER
Uber.
ROGER
I called the school and told them they’d be late.
(to driver)
No. Wait. You missed the turn. We’re going to the school first.
(back to Ellen)
The girls wanted to call and find out. So? Did you get it?
Ellen falters. She looks a Claire.
ELLEN
Yeah. I got the job.
CHEERING on the other end. Ellen holds her feelings back.
ROGER
Oh, babe! That’s great! We knew you could do it. Look! Let’s celebrate tonight. How about it, girls? What should we get mommy for dinner?
ROGER
Looks like pizza, babe.
ELLEN
Pizza sounds great.
(tearing up)
I have to do my show now.
ROGER
Okay. Love you, babe. We’re proud of you. Say goodbye to mommy.
ELLEN
Love you, too. See you tonight.
The call ends. She looks to Claire, heavy-hearted.
CLAIRE
They’ll understand.
(glances the time)
Okay. Ten seconds. Here we go.
Ellen’s bumper MUSIC starts, something modern. As the music fades, we start moving to the digital clock on the wall.
ELLEN
Good morning, and welcome to the Dr. Ellen Show. We’re going to be together for the next three hours. And it looks like we have a lot to discuss today. So let’s settle in and get right to the phones…
(beat)
Hello? You’re on the air with Dr. Ellen…
The clock reads 9:06.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
The clock reads 9:48.
Ellen is finishing up with her last caller.
ELLEN
— you and your husband have every right to celebrate your anniversary by yourselves, Sandy. But he needs to establish boundaries with his mother. Otherwise, she’ll be in the hot tub with you at Sandals every year.
(she kills the call)
Claire? Who’s are next caller?
CLAIRE
(through headset)
We have Jason. And he’s having difficulty with a friend.
ELLEN
Good morning, Jason. This is Dr. Ellen. Let’s talk.
JASON
(nervous)
Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…
Ellen listens, expecting more.
ELLEN
Hello, Jason. And what seems to be the problem?
JASON
Don’t you remember me? I used to be one of your patients.
The name strikes Ellen, and she freezes. She looks to Claire through the glass. Her expression tells Claire everything, and there’s an instant understanding.
JASON (CONT’D)
Dr. Ellen? Are you still there?
ELLEN
— Yes. I’m still here.
(beat)
Jason. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to continue this call. If you give my producer your number —
JASON
DON’T HANG UP!
(controlled)
Please… If you hang up, he’ll hurt them.
ELLEN
Who, Jason? Who is he going to hurt? Can you tell me?
JASON
(crying now)
Your family. He’s going to hurt your family.
Stunned, Ellen shoots disbelieving look to Claire.
ELLEN
My family? Who’s going to hurt my family? Jason?
JASON
If you don’t help me, he says he’s going to hurt one of them.
(beat)
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!
Ellen and Claire cast disbelieving glances at each other. Before Ellen can respond.
JASON (CONT’D)
(to another person)
No! I won’t! You can’t make me! You can’t MAKE ME!
(beat)
No! No…!
A SCUFFLE. Someone fighting.
Mystified, Ellen presses the headset tight, concentrating on the sudden violence.
JASON (CONT’D)
No. NO!
The line goes dead.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dana Abbott.
-
Critique for Dana
Hey Dana! Your screenplay is quite fine. It looks like solid work, and much more advanced than previous versions. I would by no chance to drop the first scene, it gives us all the clues. One more scripted message might work, but this scene is better.
See my notes in bold. If you would give me Critique back, please use Variation 2, I posted it under first one. Thank You.
FADE IN:
Over DARKNESS, we HEAR two people talking.
MAN’S VOICE
Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?
WOMAN’S VOICE
Tell me.
GOOD. YOU INTRODUCE YOUR HERO RIGHT AWAY.
MAN’S VOICE
This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.
The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.
She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.
YEP. IF SHE IS FRAGILE, THEN BIGGER CONTRAST OF HER BEEN AT RISK
ELLEN
What makes you feel that way?
MAN (O.S.)
Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.
ELLEN
The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?
HERE WE SEE, SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE TRUE IMPLICATION!
MAN (O.S.)
My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.
ELLEN
Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?
MAN (O.S.)
Polyamorous. What an elegant word.
HE LIKES HER. AND HAS VALUES. I.E. HE’S NOT A KILLER
ELLEN
You’re avoiding the question.
MAN (O.S.)
You noticed.
HE HIMSELF DOESNT KNOW
(beat)
To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.
HE MISTAKES WHAT’S INSIDE WHAT’S OUTSIDE
ELLEN
Have you told your partner how you feel?
MAN (O.S.)
He has deaf ears.
I.E. SIMPLY USING HIM
ELLEN
You have a right to your own voice. It’s your relationship, too.
MAN (O.S.)
If it were only that simple…
HE’S DEEP IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
ELLEN
Maybe it is. If you’re not happy, you should consider a break. Take time to decide what you want for the both of you.
MAN (O.S.)
You mean surrender?
ELLEN
A break isn’t surrender. It’s an opportunity to breathe, to take a step back and see things from the distance.
A long beat. Ellen notices his mood suddenly change.
THAT WOULD BE ACORRECT ADVISE, IF HIS ABUSER IS A MAN AT OUTSIDE WORLD, IT MAKES FOR LAYERING. IT ALSO GIVES RYAN A REASON.
MAN (O.S.)
They got to you, didn’t they?
ALAS, HE’S DEALING WITH HIS FEARS HERE OF IDENTITY
ELLEN
Excuse me?
IM NOT SURE. IF SHE IS PSYCHOLOGIST, AFTER HE SPOKE OF SURRENDER, SHE MUST BE MORE CLEVER. SHE MAYBE SHOULD REASURE HIM AT ONCE
MAN (O.S.)
That’s it, isn’t it? You’re talking to them. They want me gone. This is an intervention.
ELLEN
What? No. Why would you think that?
MAN (O.S.)
I trusted you, doctor. I bore my soul to you. And you betray me?
ELLEN
Never. I’d never betray our trust.
MAN (O.S.)
They’ve heard my every thought. My secrets. And now they’re scared of me… afraid of what I might do.
Anxious, Ellen realizes she losing control of her patient.
ELLEN
What might you do?
MAN (O.S.)
They want to disappear me. Drag me back… after I crawled my way out from that hell. And you’re helping them.
ELLEN
That isn’t true. You need to calm down.
MAN (O.S.)
Do you know how it feels to wander in the abyss? Abandoned? Lost? To hear them whisper from the shadows? Conspiring… beyond reach?
ELLEN
This is making me nervous. I think we should stop here for the day.
MAN (O.S.)
I can’t allow that. If I leave this room, they’ll win. I know that now. I’d be banished to the dark… their hands, cold on me…
ELLEN
You have to stop this now.
IF HE DEMONSTRATES RETURN TO HIS SICKNESS SHE HAS TO HELP HIM THE WAY IT WAS DONE PRIOR. IF YOU COULD MAKE THIS MORE SOFISTICATED THAT WOULD PLAY OUT. SHE MIGHT GET UP AND TURN AFTER MEDICINE OR EVEN NOTES, AND HE PULLS THE GUN
MAN (O.S.)
Yes… I do.
Ellen’s eyes go wild in shock as — BANG! — a small caliber pistol FIRES. The man’s body FLOPS to the floor. A beat.
We HEAR the door BURST open. A woman GASPS. “Oh, my God!” People flock into the room. VOICES — “Ellen! Oh, dear God. Ellen!” “Someone call the cops!” “Ellen? Are you hurt?” “Call the ambulance!” “Someone call the police!”
FADE TO BLACK:
SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE. A MAN YANKS A PULL CHAIN AND A LIGHTBULB BLINKS ON.
INT. SMALL ROOM – NIGHT
Windowless. Stone walls. Exposed pipes.
CHAINS AND SHACKLES DROP to the floor. The MAN, unseen, wraps and padlocks a chain to a heavy pipe. He wraps another and tests the lock with a tug.
He sets a portable radio on a table and extends the antenna. He tests the reception. The radio CHIRPS. Off again.
He yanks the pull chain. The LIGHTBULB blinks off. The door CLOSES. Darkness again. The bolt LOCKS into place.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Dim lighting. Lots of shadows.
He flips open a laptop on a table, plugs it into a socket.
One by one, he lays cell phones out in a line. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, a hunting knife, and a .38 special follow.
We HEAR him WALK UPSTAIRS. The lights go out. The basement door CLOSES. DARKNESS.
THAT’S A VERY GOOD INTRO. WELL SUITED.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING
A brisk day. The city is alive. We HEAR a series of NEWS UPDATES like someone flipping channels.
RADIO HOST 1 (V.O.)
…west-bound across the Bay Bridge is backed-up due to a stalled SUV in the number four lane. CHP is on scene, but expect delays…
THAT IS ALSO A GOOD TRANSITION.
NEXT SCENE WHERE HER HUSBAND CALLS HER, I KNOW IT’S NOT PERFECT YET. JUST KEEP IT CONSCISE WITH EMPHASIS ON MISSING A TURN, PIZZA, AND HER CONSEALING
HER COMING TO WORK SCENE IS MUCH BETTER NOW. IF JASON SHOT HIMSELF BUT STAYED ALIVE, WE NEED SOMEHOW GET IT. IF I MADE SSED THAT POINT
THAT’S ALL IN THE BOUNDARIES OF THRILLER GENRE. IT RISES CURIOUSITY, BUT IS AT PLACES TOO STRETCHY WITH DIALOGS. A LITTLE BIT OF EDITING, MAKING THEM PRESISE FOR YOUR AIM
-
Thanks for your critique, Alice. I’ll give is a read when I get home tonight.
And I’ll critique your first ten, too.
Thanks again,
Dana
-
Dana,
I’m going to jump in. Won’t waste time giving you notes you’ve already received. I’m in almost complete agreement with Cameron who gave excellent notes. As for me, I was intrigued by your opening but felt it not only went on far too long but also telegraphed the patient’s condition. I knew as the scene continued on that he was a schizophrenic. Then, after reading the rest, I felt this opening also ‘telegraphed’ what was going to happen, literally gave it away. We see the opening, then find out she’s going to be let go at the radio station because of her too tame show. Instantly, this signaled to me that this caller was going to be the catalyst that saved her show.
You’ve got an incredible story. Let us have one pearl at a time to figure it out rather than frontloading us from the start with too much.
Best,
Dev
-
-
Alice
Thank your for your critique. I appreciate you comments, especially your more critical ideas. Constructive critiques always help more than compliments. Thanks again. And good luck with your script. I enjoyed reading your first ten.
Dana
-
-
Hey Dana!
Here are my notes!
_______
FADE IN:
[NOTE: “FADE IN” to what (INT/EXT. LOCATION – TIME OF DAY)? Personally, I’m not a fan of editorial directions, or instructions related to other artists involved in the filming and production of your movie script. “FADE IN” is also almost assumed at this point, and I feel it wastes more space on the page than it does elevate it. BUT if you want to include a “FADE IN,” make sure we know what we’re looking at, even if it’s a black screen or a void.]
Over DARKNESS, we HEAR two people talking.
[NOTE: I know this is nitpicking, but we can assume that we hear two people talking when there’s dialogue. I’ve given this note a lot that fourth wall breaks with “we hear” or “we see” are redundant and risk taking us away from the emotion on the page. More over I see them used a lot for camera directions, or lighting instructions, and I believe it should be every screenwriter’s prayer that their script gets a cinematographer attached that’s smarter and better at their job than the writer is, so that they can elevate your story to even greater heights. Unless it’s absolutely critical to the pace, themes, or telling of your story, I would cut every description that tells another professional how to do their job, and stick with description that communicates action, emotion, tone and personality/attitude.]
MAN’S VOICE
Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?
WOMAN’S VOICE
Tell me.
MAN’S VOICE
This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.
[NOTE: Great opening exchange. Grabs hold of our curiosity instantly with the question from the patient and the subsequent answer that shifts our perception of reality.]
The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.
She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.
[NOTE: The raven hair threw me off at first with connecting her to Tinkerbell, but otherwise this is a great description. I think it could read a tad faster if cut a bit, like…
If not for her Valentino power suit and raven hair, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.
…I do wonder if this description also ties into her demeanor as well, and not just her looks. Tinkerbell is a fighter, jealous, and loyal. If I were a reader, I’d be looking for these traits too. If Ellen doesn’t quite fit these traits, I’d be looking for another description that tells us who she is, what she does.]
ELLEN
What makes you feel that way?
MAN (O.S.)
Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.
ELLEN
The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?
MAN (O.S.)
My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.
ELLEN
Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?
MAN (O.S.)
Polyamorous. What an elegant word.
ELLEN
You’re avoiding the question.
MAN (O.S.)
You noticed.
(beat)
To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.
[NOTE: Again, nitpicking. “(beat)” could be substituted with a “…” and read much faster. That or you give a different action, like (taking a deep breath) or a description for Ellen like She gives him nothing.]
ELLEN
Have you told your partner how you feel?
[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of the first page. It’s subtle but very engaging. We’re not sure yet if the patient is psychotic or talking about a real relationship. We don’t get a lot about Ellen, but there’s potentially enough there in the description.]
_______
Questions:
Do I dump the opening scene and begin with Ellen receiving the bad news she’s been cancelled?
If the Tinkerbell comparison is accurate to her personality, yes. Seeing a five foot fairy (not literally, but you know what I mean) take it to the people towering over her for cancelling her show immediately ties us to that description, potentially sets up the inciting incident, and gets us on board with her as an active protagonist. More over, it sets up the “be careful what you wish for” angle so perfectly that we’re engaged on multiple fronts as we cheer for her to win her show back, her reputation, save her family, and defeat the lunatic holding her family hostage, all while wondering ourselves if we would collapse to our own worst case scenario in pursuit of our goals. It’s also a great irony to see her as a firecracker when not on her show, and then when she’s talking with patients, she has the patience of Job and voice of Mother Teresa.
Do I start the first scene with Ellen taking the call from the psychotic alter who threatens her family with a cryptic message: “It’s 9:48. Do you know where your family is?” A teaser for what’s to come?
That would grab our attention, but you’d have to find a cutoff point, take us back to give us the necessary context and then catch us up to that opening. It depends on how much emotional investment you want the audience to gain. If there’s not enough runway, the good looking jet plane established with the opening will fall right off the carrier and into the crashing waves. You also want to make sure that teaser opening is at least a page long so it doesn’t give the sensation of being out of place. “Do you know where your family is?” all the way to “The line goes dead” to “Three hours earlier.”
I still think the other option where Ellen is fighting to keep her show is better, but that’s assuming something about Ellen’s character. If you’ve already got an established theme working for a more reserved Ellen, in and out of the studio, then the latter option of taking us to the inciting incident and then backtracking to answer the question “Who is Ellen?” may work better for you.
_______
ON THE TWIST…
The twists of the patient and Ellen losing her show on account of there not being enough conflict just works. It’s great.
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
Again, Jason’s introduction is pitch perfect. Nothing to add.
ON THE NEXT 9 PAGES…
Won’t comment on typos. You know what to do.
Some of the action is difficult or tedious, most often due to it being strict, step-by-step blocking instructions or blocks of text. A good strategy for informing the reader’s eye (about the closest to camera instructions a writer should get) is to create a new line for each new shot, and inform what we see and hear more than what technically happens. for example this…
SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE. A MAN YANKS A PULL CHAIN AND A LIGHTBULB BLINKS ON.
…becomes this…
A black door. CREAKING of wooden stairs leading down to it…The bolt recoils into its slot, and the door opens, with light from the outside flooding the dark void of the basement.
A hand yanks a pull chain and a lightbulb illuminates the space in incandescent yellow.
…Not saying this is great, but that it gets closer to being more legible. Also, it’s more useful to know where the space is (INT/EXT. PLACE – TIME OF DAY) than it is to just say “FADE TO BLACK” and reveal the location later. If you want it to be a black screen with just sound effects, maybe using A BLACK SCREEN in place of INT/EXT. PLACE – TIME OF DAY may be more clear in intent.
It’s not super clear that Ellen’s losing her show. It’s almost too subtle that that’s what’s going on. Having Ellen confront it either by going on the offensive or surrendering without a fight will communicate more about that plot point and who she is as a person.
The phone call with the family is great, and the call with Jason is excellent.
Clair and the producer exchange are both fun to listen to and watch.
I think what you have here works fairly well, and once the story gets going, it really gets going. I do think we need just a little more on Ellen. She’s too much of a blank slate coming into this, since her job as a psychologist a lot of times is as a listener (passive role). I don’t want to tell you how to write her character or to make any changes that contradict with your best vision. I do think at least one scene between her and her family would help set up her character a bit more, and would give us faces to connect the upcoming horrors to.
Can’t wait to read the whole script!
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Cam
Thanks for your critique. You go above and beyond. Your comments are right on target . I agree with all of them. I was struggling with my confidence, and you’ve motivated me. Thanks again.
Dana
-
-
Critique for Dana Abbott
From Lisa Long
These are my opinions, use what you will…discard the rest. I think you have a great story. I’m interested in reading more of it. You’ve got a surprise opening, but it’s not far off from a provocative opening too.
I think the item from the Skills sheet: “Pour a unique character into the dialogue and actions.” could heightened your first ten pages. You have a unique character in Jason, but what about Ellen? Can she be more unique too?
You definitely have an event that disrupts the protagonist’s life at the end of the ten pages!
Questions:
Do I dump the opening scene and begin with Ellen receiving the bad news she’s been cancelled?
It’s up to you. I don’t think you should dump it but perhaps tighten/shorten it. Get to the BANG sooner.
Do I start the first scene with Ellen taking the call from the psychotic alter who threatens her family with a cryptic message: “It’s 9:48. Do you know where your family is?” A teaser for what’s to come?
I think showing Jason during the opening works. “Do you know where your family is?” Is too cliché a line in my opinion. I think of the old commercial “It’s 10pm, do you know where your children are?” Maybe too on the nose.
Please, give me your opinions. I would live to exchange critiques to give myself something else to think about. Thank you.
NOTES:
· What is DID?
· Is the MAN in scenes 2 and 3 the same MAN?
· Gail Simmons – she’s a judge on Bravo’s Top Chef; just wanted you to know that there’s a Gail Simmons that some people will know when they hear the name.
· Comment on the smoking on the roof scene: Back in the day, I would hang with smokers outside. I don’t think they would share a cigarette, but Claire might offer Ellen one of her own and a light. Smokers love their smokes and savor every last drag. Up to you.
· I marked words with typos in bold.
SYNPOSIS
Ellen Landry is a radio psychologist who receives a call from a previous patient suffering from DID. The psychotic alter threatens to kill Ellen’s kidnapped family if she doesn’t convince her patient to surrender control to him or one of his other identities.
FIRST TEN PAGES
FADE IN:
Over DARKNESS, we HEAR two people talking.
MAN’S VOICE
Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?
WOMAN’S VOICE
Tell me.
MAN’S VOICE
This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.
The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.
She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.
ELLEN
What makes you feel that way?
MAN (O.S.)
Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.
ELLEN
The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?
MAN (O.S.)
My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.
ELLEN
Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?
MAN (O.S.)
Polyamorous. What an elegant word.
ELLEN
You’re avoiding the question.
MAN (O.S.)
You noticed.
(beat)
To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.
ELLEN
Have you told your partner how you feel?
MAN (O.S.)
He has deaf ears.
ELLEN
You have a right to your own voice. It’s your relationship, too.
MAN (O.S.)
If it were only that simple…
ELLEN
Maybe it is. If you’re not happy, you should consider a break. Take time to decide what you want for the both of you.
MAN (O.S.)
You mean surrender?
ELLEN
A break isn’t surrender. It’s an opportunity to breathe, to take a step back and see things from the distance.
A long beat. Ellen notices his mood suddenly change.
MAN (O.S.)
They got to you, didn’t they?
ELLEN
Excuse me?
MAN (O.S.)
That’s it, isn’t it? You’re talking to them. They want me gone. This is an intervention.
ELLEN
What? No. Why would you think that?
MAN (O.S.)
I trusted you, doctor. I bore my soul to you. And you betray me?
ELLEN
Never. I’d never betray our trust.
MAN (O.S.)
They’ve heard my every thought. My secrets. And now they’re scared of me… afraid of what I might do.
Anxious, Ellen realizes she is losing control of her patient.
ELLEN
What might you do?
MAN (O.S.)
They want to disappear me. Drag me back… after I crawled my way out from that hell. And you’re helping them.
ELLEN
That isn’t true. You need to calm down.
MAN (O.S.)
Do you know how it feels to wander in the abyss? Abandoned? Lost? To hear them whisper from the shadows? Conspiring… beyond reach?
ELLEN
This is making me nervous. I think we should stop here for the day.
MAN (O.S.)
I can’t allow that. If I leave this room, they’ll win. I know that now. I’d be banished to the dark… their hands, cold on me…
ELLEN
You have to stop this now.
MAN (O.S.)
Yes… I do.
Ellen’s eyes go wild in shock as — BANG! — a small caliber pistol FIRES. The man’s body FLOPS to the floor. A beat.
We HEAR the door BURST open. A woman GASPS. “Oh, my God!” People flock into the room. VOICES — “Ellen! Oh, dear God. Ellen!” “Someone call the cops!” “Ellen? Are you hurt?” “Call the ambulance!” “Someone call the police!”
FADE TO BLACK:
SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE. A MAN YANKS A PULL CHAIN AND A LIGHTBULB BLINKS ON.
INT. SMALL ROOM – NIGHT
Windowless. Stone walls. Exposed pipes.
CHAINS AND SHACKLES DROP to the floor. The MAN, unseen, wraps and padlocks a chain to a heavy pipe. He wraps another and tests the lock with a tug.
He sets a portable radio on a table and extends the antenna. He tests the reception. The radio CHIRPS. Off again.
He yanks the pull chain. The LIGHTBULB blinks off. The door CLOSES. Darkness again. The bolt LOCKS into place.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Dim lighting. Lots of shadows.
He flips open a laptop on a table, plugs it into a socket.
One by one, he lays cell phones out in a line. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, a hunting knife, and a .38 special follow.
We HEAR him WALK UPSTAIRS. The lights go out. The basement door CLOSES. DARKNESS.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING
A brisk day. The city is alive. We HEAR a series of NEWS UPDATES like someone flipping channels.
RADIO HOST 1 (V.O.)
…west-bound across the Bay Bridge is backed-up due to a stalled SUV in the number four lane. CHP is on scene, but expect delays…
RADIO HOST 2 (V.O.)
…won five to four from a walk-off home run by Stagnetti in the bottom of the ninth…
Closing in on a small office building with a radio tower.
RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)
…clear with a high of seventy-six and an overnight dropping into the mid-forties.
EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – EXTABLISHING – MORNING
RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)
And that’s news, traffic and weather. I’m Mike Wells, KCSF, thirteen-sixty AM, San Francisco.
Bumper music, CCR’s “Fortunate Son,” starts playing —
INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
CCR continues on the wall speaker. PETER WHITE, KCSF station manager, mid-fifties, wedding ring, heavyset, years of radio experience, turns the volume down. He wears a phone headset while talking with JERRY BURNS, his boss.
PETER
Her ratings aren’t that bad.
JERRY
They’re not that good, either. The twenty to thirty demo isn’t tuning in. And her nighttime audience didn’t follow.
PETER
Maybe another marketing campaign. Have her do some guest spots.
JERRY
Marketing isn’t the problem, Pete. And you know it. She’s just not confrontational. And radio needs conflict.
PETER
Yeah, I know… I know.
JERRY
Look, I get it. She’s your friend, and you wanted to help her, we both did, especially after what happened. But her ratings are flat. And I need to sell advertising. I can’t justify picking up her option.
PETER
No, I understand. I do.
JERRY
You’re a great station manager, Pete. But don’t let friendship cloud your judgment. It’s just business.
PETER
I’ll tell here when she gets in.
Jerry hangs up. Pete removes the headset, dejected.
EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS
An SUV bounds into the lot and zooms into a space. Ellen kicks open the door and drops out. She slings an oversized purse and computer bag and dashes to the doors, swiping at the coffee-stain map of South America on her skirt.
INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS
CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish. She never misses a Woodstock reunion. She’s in full mother mode when Ellen comes through the door and shuffles her through reception.
CLAIRE
Where have you been? I called you thirty minutes ago.
ELLEN
Mackenzie refused to get out of bed. Samantha forgot to do her homework. Roger’s car wouldn’t start — again…
CLAIRE
Never mind. Give me those —
She grabs Ellen’s purse and computer bag.
ELLEN
How late am I?
CLAIRE
Just hurry.
(noting the stain)
What happened there?
ELLEN
My Starbucks slipped.
CLAIRE
Well… He’s a man. He won’t care.
GAIL SIMMONS, the model receptionist, watches the twosome scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, amused.
INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
A RAP on the door, barely audible. From his desk, Peter looks up, takes a breath, releases a guilt-ridden sigh.
PETER
Shit.
EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY
Claire stands near the edge smoking. She pushes out a long, steady stream like a pro.
CLAIRE
Shit.
Claire and passes her smoke to Ellen.
CLAIRE (CONT’D)
New owners. They want a fast return on their investment.
Ellen takes a puff, sucking in her cheeks — total amateur. She frowns at the taste.
ELLEN
How do you smoke these?
CLAIRE
They keep my weight down.
Ellen can’t pass it back fast enough.
ELLEN
Do you think I’m hiding?
CLAIRE
Because of what happened?
(Ellen nods)
You’ll go back when you’re ready.
ELLEN
Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back. That I tell people what they want to hear to avoid the conflict.
CLAIRE
You’re a good person, Ellen. And you’re a good psychologist. You want to help people.
(beat)
But this is radio. And we’re just a bunch of cutthroat fuckers.
Claire takes another drag on her cigarette. A reflective moment, both ladies staring off into the city.
CLAIRE (CONT’D)
One caller. That’s all we needed. Just one caller.
Claire flicks the cigarette off the edge.
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen fidgets with her chair, adjusting the height way up. She puts on her headphones and settles in at the microphone.
INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
Claire, headset on, gets ready — adjusting the sound board, checking the caller screen.
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen’s cell phone BUZZES. The screen reads ROGER. She stares at it, reluctant to answer. Through the glass, Claire notes her reluctance.
CLAIRE
(over headset)
You’ve got three minutes.
Ellen answer the call on speaker. The sound is loud and airy, lots of road noise. Roger is almost yelling.
ELLEN
Hi, Honey.
ROGER
Hi, Babe. Hold on.
(to someone else)
Say hello to mommy.
ELLEN
Where are you guys?
ROGER
Uber.
ROGER
I called the school and told them they’d be late.
(to driver)
No. Wait. You missed the turn. We’re going to the school first.
(back to Ellen)
The girls wanted to call and find out. So? Did you get it?
Ellen falters. She looks a Claire.
ELLEN
Yeah. I got the job.
CHEERING on the other end. Ellen holds her feelings back.
ROGER
Oh, babe! That’s great! We knew you could do it. Look! Let’s celebrate tonight. How about it, girls? What should we get mommy for dinner?
ROGER
Looks like pizza, babe.
ELLEN
Pizza sounds great.
(tearing up)
I have to do my show now.
ROGER
Okay. Love you, babe. We’re proud of you. Say goodbye to mommy.
ELLEN
Love you, too. See you tonight.
The call ends. She looks to Claire, heavy-hearted.
CLAIRE
They’ll understand.
(glances the time)
Okay. Ten seconds. Here we go.
Ellen’s bumper MUSIC starts, something modern. As the music fades, we start moving to the digital clock on the wall.
ELLEN
Good morning, and welcome to the Dr. Ellen Show. We’re going to be together for the next three hours. And it looks like we have a lot to discuss today. So let’s settle in and get right to the phones…
(beat)
Hello? You’re on the air with Dr. Ellen…
The clock reads 9:06.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
The clock reads 9:48.
Ellen is finishing up with her last caller.
ELLEN
— you and your husband have every right to celebrate your anniversary by yourselves, Sandy. But he needs to establish boundaries with his mother. Otherwise, she’ll be in the hot tub with you at Sandals every year.
(she kills the call)
Claire? Who’s are next caller?
CLAIRE
(through headset)
We have Jason. And he’s having difficulty with a friend.
ELLEN
Good morning, Jason. This is Dr. Ellen. Let’s talk.
JASON
(nervous)
Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…
Ellen listens, expecting more.
ELLEN
Hello, Jason. And what seems to be the problem?
JASON
Don’t you remember me? I used to be one of your patients.
The name strikes Ellen, and she freezes. She looks to Claire through the glass. Her expression tells Claire everything, and there’s an instant understanding.
JASON (CONT’D)
Dr. Ellen? Are you still there?
ELLEN
— Yes. I’m still here.
(beat)
Jason. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to continue this call. If you give my producer your number —
JASON
DON’T HANG UP!
(controlled)
Please… If you hang up, he’ll hurt them.
ELLEN
Who, Jason? Who is he going to hurt? Can you tell me?
JASON
(crying now)
Your family. He’s going to hurt your family.
Stunned, Ellen shoots disbelieving look to Claire.
ELLEN
My family? Who’s going to hurt my family? Jason?
JASON
If you don’t help me, he says he’s going to hurt one of them.
(beat)
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!
Ellen and Claire cast disbelieving glances at each other. Before Ellen can respond.
JASON (CONT’D)
(to another person)
No! I won’t! You can’t make me! You can’t MAKE ME!
(beat)
No! No…!
A SCUFFLE. Someone fighting.
Mystified, Ellen presses the headset tight, concentrating on the sudden violence.
JASON (CONT’D)
No. NO!
The line goes dead.
REGARDS!
Lisa
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
Anyone kind enough to critique mine will of course receive one back))) Thank you!
MEGALOMANIAC
PREMISE — The complete story of a James Bond type villain.
HOOK — Entirely from the villain’s POV.
TWIST — The villain is the hero…the spy the villain.
EXT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – BACKYARD OF A HOUSE – DAY
A boy’s fingers hold a pair of eyeglasses, using one of the extremely thick, high prescription lenses as a magnifying glass to see a splinter stuck in a cat’s paw. The cat meows in pain.
WALDO (O.S.)
Ouchie, Mr. Pudding Cat. Crazy, one little prick…stops the world.
Reversing the POV, the lens makes the intensely focused eye of adorable 10-year-old WALDO KATZ appear larger.
WALDO (CONT’D)
But I can help!
The sad cat sits on top of scattered books, as Waldo, kneeling on the ground, pulls the splinter out with tweezers.
The relieved cat licks his paw.
WALDO (CONT’D)
I wrote you a prescription: look before you leap.
The cat springs forward into a bush, sending scurrying three mice who were walking in a row along the fence.
Waldo notices a tiny plume of smoke rising in front of his eyes. He looks down and sees sunlight shining through a glasses lens and forming a concentrated sunbeam on a dried, withered leaf. A burn spot smolders.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Whoa!
Waldo repositions, laying stomach down on the ground.
Playing with the angle of a lens and the distance to the leaf, he gets the leaf to smolder and generate a tiny flame.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Cool!
An ant meanders into the sunbeam and fries to death.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Oh, god, no!
Waldo cries tears of remorse.
EXT. SPACE
Standard view of Earth.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
We’re headed towards armageddon. It’s inevitable.
INT. COAL MINE
Dirty men mine coal.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
Depletion of Earth’s natural resources.
EXT. OIL FIELD – DAY
Dirty men attend to a spouting oil well.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
Environmental disasters.
EXT. ICE SHELF – DAY
A giant slice collapses, causing a mini tidal wave that speeds toward a family of polar bears on sea ice.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
Global warming.
EXT. BEACH – DAY
A beautiful Swedish bombshell sunbaths in a sexy bikini. She opens her eyes, and speaks directly into the camera. She is the Female Narrator.
BOMBSHELL
What if there was a way to produce clean energy, cheaply and sustainably, without harming the planet?
The bombshell looks up at the sky and basks in the sunlight. The camera POV follows her gaze up to the sun.
EXT. SPACE
Typical view of the Sun.
The silhouette of a long, vertical space station flies across the sun like E.T. across the moon.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
Katz Space Solar.
The camera POV then moves so that sunlight reveals that the middle of the space station in made up of a column of 10 humongous magnifying lenses.
INT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – PILOT PLANT – BACKROOM – MORNING
The camera POV pulls back to see we are watching a computer simulation on a small TV monitor on a desk in a dim room.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
Harnessing the sun to free the world from fossil fuels.
The video shows a fleet of thousands of mirrors in space reflecting the sun into a receiver at the top of the space station.
A thick beam of light continually grows brighter and more powerful as it travels down through each of the successive magnifying lenses in the space station.
Mr. Ratliff, an American businessman, sits watching the video.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
All the energy the world will ever need.
A monstrous and continuous beam shoots out from the bottom of the space station to Earth and is absorbed by a large Tesla coil attached to a skyscraper peeking through the clouds.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
Clean. Safe. Sustainable.
Under the clouds an utopian nighttime cityscape lights up spectacularly. The title “KATZ SPACE SOLAR” ends the video.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
Katz Space Solar.
Ratliff excitedly jumps off his chair and flicks on the light switch, revealing his bright smile.
RATLIFF
(Southern accent)
And god said, “Let there be light!” Waldo, I love it!
Now a serious scientist and handsome adult, 40-year-old WALDO KATZ, wearing the obligatory scientist’s white lab coat, grins proudly at Ratliff.
RATLIFF (CONT’D)
(playfully, with hands around his mouth)
Magnifying lenses in spaaaaace.
WALDO
Mr. Ratliff, with your investment, you would enable us to start building…
RATLIFF
I want the whole thing, Waldo, and I’m making you an offer you can’t refuse.
WALDO
We’re only selling a minority stake.
RATLIFF
Man, wow! That was Imelyna Michaels sunbathing! Hot damn! Terrific actress of course, too. How’d you land her?
WALDO
Apparently she’s a big environmentalist. My partner made the connection. (pause) I am looking forward to meeting her. She’ll be at the demonstration.
RATLIFF
Waldo, let me say first off, thank you for this first look exclusive. Forget your other prospective investors. Don’t do the public demonstration. Listen, I’m meeting your asking price for the twenty percent, times five for the full one hundred percent. And then I’ll triple things to close the deal. What do you say?
Ratliff approaches Waldo with outstretch hand to shake on the deal. Waldo avoids shaking his hand by grabbing the TV remote off a “Great Green America Company” brochure on the table and clicking off the TV.
RATLIFF (CONT’D)
Maybe we should get your partner in here? Anmuth?
WALDO
Anmuth and I would be very pleased, Mr. Ratliff, to have your investment support, but neither of us are selling more than 10% equity.
RATLIFF
With Great Green America Company’s experience and knowhow, your technology will soon become a reality!
WALDO
With your investment, it will soon become a reality.
RATLIFF
You’re a tiny bunch of first timers in a tiny facility in a tiny country. Let the big boys with the infrastructure, experience, and money ensure this project gets to where it needs. You estimate three years to build, right? We can do it in one.
WALDO
We’ll make sure it gets done right. This is my life’s work, and I feel morally obligated to see this project through.
RATLIFF
We’ll keep you on to run things. We’ll even keep your name: Katz Space Solar. You can trust me, Waldo. I’m offering over a billion dollars for the company, Waldo!
WALDO
I wouldn’t even know what to do with $10,000.
RATLIFF
Go shopping, my friend! You’ve earned it. Buy a house. Eat a fancy dinner. Travel the world! Look at you, Waldo. You’re about to meet world-famous Imelyna Michaels! Buy some god damn new shoes for crying out loud! You’re 40. Unmarried. Yes, we do our due diligence. You need to get out. Live a little, Waldo. Live for today!
WALDO
As impressive as Great Green America Company sounds, you may not be a good fit for us.
Ratliff offers his handshake, which Waldo refuses.
RATLIFF
Five times?
INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – MOMENTS LATER
Among various pieces of scientific equipment and computer terminals, fifty people mingle in a horseshoe around something extremely tall and large in the middle of the room hidden underneath a tarp.
There’s a buzz in the room, which hushes when Waldo walks in.
Waldo joins his partner, ANMUTH, who wears a similar white lab coat, at the control panel. They do various things with the wide array of knobs, buttons, and levers.
ANMUTH
(whispers)
How’d it go? Do we have our first investor? Did he like the video?
WALDO
He certainly liked Imelyna Michaels.
ANMUTH
I bet you did, too, Waldo! I’ll introduce you. She’s just over there.
Anmuth points out Imelyna, who is live blogging on her phone. Waldo stops Anmuth before he sets out.
WALDO
Mr. Ratliff wanted to buy us out. Completely. He’d have kept us on if we wanted.
ANMUTH
But he’d have total control, and we agreed not to risk that.
WALDO
Yep. Too many horror stories of innovations shelved in favor of bottom lines.
ANMUTH
I have faith in people…faith that people are greedy. Except you apparently, Waldo. How much did we just turn down?
WALDO
Do I really have to tell you? You could have traveled the world, dining at only Michelin Star restaurants breakfast, lunch, and dinner…for the rest of your life. I can’t believe I just turned down him down.
ANMUTH
Frankly, Waldo, I’d be in disbelief if you had accepted it. Don’t worry. We’ve got a room full of other potentials, though maybe not as large and impressive. Let’s get this demonstration going and stick to the plan. Investors to help get this thing built and adopted. Then we’ll sell it.
WALDO
Thanks, Anmuth. You’re a great partner…and friend. (looks at watch) It’s time.
ANMUTH
Does Vienna even have any Michelin restaurants?
WALDO
Absolutely. Probably, right?
Anmuth steps forward to address the room.
ANMUTH
Hello investors, activists, and sun worshippers, thank you for coming to see us in Vienna. We are extremely excited to have you here today to witness the beginnings of the final energy solution. My name is Dr. Douglas Anmuth. I am Dr. Waldo Katz’ partner in crime. I have probably spoken to most of you on the phone. (pause) Behold!
Anmuth pulls a rope and the tarp lifts away revealing a tall vertical space station prototype simpler than the one seen in the video. Guests gasp, ooh and aah.
Waldo moves into the crowd and pretends he’s a guest.
WALDO
(playfully)
How does it work, Anmuth?
ANMUTH
(gesturing)
Sun goes in there, energy comes out there, and into the battery. And, oh yeah, magnifying lenses in between.
Anmuth grins as he sees Waldo notice that he’s standing next to Swedish model and actress Imelyna Michaels.
ANMUTH (CONT’D)
This is all happening because I happened to be freshman year roommates with a nerd at university. He was a bright young man concerned about the consequences of global warming. A man of conscience, a one of a kind visionary.
As Anmuth continues speaking, Imelyna notices Waldo checking her out.
IMELYNA
(whispering)
Oh my god, I am such an admirer of your work! Thank you for inviting me.
WALDO
(whispering)
I’m a big fan of your work, too. You were terrific in Vampires Are People Too. And thank you, of course, for helping us with our little movie.
IMELYNA
You are welcome. Guess what? I’ve just signed on to do the sequel, Vampires Are People Two.
WALDO
(loudly)
But how?
Anmuth glances at an apologetic Waldo before continuing.
WALDO (CONT’D)
(whispering)
You died. Twice. The sun burned you to ash. How could you…wait, I don’t want to know yet.
IMELYNA
I’m actually not sure myself. The script’s not written yet. But with your knowledge of the sun, maybe you can concoct the loophole.
WALDO
Can I be an extra? One of your victims?
IMELYNA
It would be my pleasure to suck your blood.
Anmuth glances at them amused before continuing.
IMELYNA (CONT’D)
I know you agreed to me livestreaming the demonstration, but can I also get an interview afterwards while I’m here?
WALDO
Exclusive.
IMELYNA
You are very considerate. (loudly) I can’t believe you’re gonna end global warming!
Anmuth raises his voice.
ANMUTH
…and he promised me he was going to lasso the sun. I looked into his eyes, and I believed him. And now his vision takes the next step towards becoming a reality. Dr. Waldo Katz is going to save the world. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Waldo Katz.
Enthusiastic applause erupts as Waldo steps forward humbly.
WALDO
I never did understand why anyone would choose to lasso the moon when the sun was up there too. I mean…I can’t even see the man on the moon! And when I think I see him, he doesn’t look very happy. But the sun! Well…Oh the simplicity of her complexity. Smart, powerful, radiant. Just one truly beautiful star.
Waldo darts a glance at a receptive Imelyna. Both Imelyna and Anmuth smile, separately recognizing that Waldo is speaking about Imelyna.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Spectral class G2. Luminosity class V. How many watts per square meter every second to the Earth? Anmuth?
ANMUTH
1,300 watts.
WALDO
Multiply that by the area of the Earth and number of seconds in a year. Anmuth?
ANMUTH
Carry the 1…150 quadrillion watts.
WALDO
And how much energy does the planet consume in a year?
ANMUTH
Do you want it in light bulbs? Or nuclear explosions?
WALDO
Terajoules.
ANMUTH
The annual global energy consumption is 580 million terajoules.
WALDO
Will our space solar solution be able to harness enough energy from the sun to satisfy all of the Earth’s needs?
ANMUTH
Yes. The entire planet, plus eleven more Earths…if they existed.
WALDO
Clean? Safe? Sustainable?
ANMUTH
Yes. Yes. Yes.
WALDO
Why let the man moon you…when the sun wants to give you a KISS.
Waldo wants to look at Imelyna, but chickens out.
ANMUTH
Katz Space Solar!
The crowd enthusiastically applauds. Waldo notices Ratliff standing too close to the battery receptacle.
WALDO
Anmuth, pass out the sunglasses.
ANMUTH
(announcing)
Everyone needs protective eyewear.
Waldo moves quickly towards Ratliff as Anmuth hands out tinted safety goggles to Imelyna and the rest of the guests.
OVER BY THE CONTRAPTION
Waldo aggressively steps in front of Ratliff, protecting his machine.
WALDO
Still here, Mr. Ratliff?
RATLIFF
See the light yet, Waldo? You’ve done your part. Take the money and let me make sure your work gets properly implemented. Ten times. Final offer.
WALDO
I did just confirm with Anmuth that we’re only selling a minority…
RATLIFF
Okay, okay, Waldo. You’ve worn me down. We’ll take just the minority share.
WALDO
However, we’re no longer interested in partnering with you.
RATLIFF
For a man of conscience, you sure are shortsighted.
WALDO
Please leave, Mr. Ratliff.
Waldo ushers Ratliff away from the machine and takes out a pair of sunglasses from his jacket.
RATLIFF
Can I at least stay for the fireworks? I’m still a fan, Waldo. I just want to see this thing in person before I have to go back to my group and tell them I ruined it.
WALDO
If you stop with the offers. I’m not in the least tempted. You’ll need protective eyewear. We don’t want you getting solar retinopathy.
Waldo points at Anmuth who is handing out eyewear, but Ratliff takes out a pair of sunglasses from his jacket.
RATLIFF
I happen to already have a pair. Hey, cool, mine are the same as yours.
Waldo looks at Ratliff curiously, gestures him towards the group, and walks to the control display.
Waldo turns on the machine, which hums powerfully, and the eager crowd hushes.
ANMUTH
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a celebrity in the house! Ms. Imelyna Michaels, would you please join us.
The crowd applauds as Imelyna joins them while livestreaming.
IMELYNA
(whispering to the phone)
That’s him! That’s Dr. Waldo Katz!
Waldo embarrassedly puts on his sunglasses.
ANMUTH
Everybody. Our future’s so bright, we got to wear shades. Please put on your protective eyewear.
Everybody puts on their glasses. Anmuth gestures a thumbs up to Imelyna, who continues to livestream.
IMELYNA
All the energy the world will ever need.
Imelyna presses a button on the console.
From the top of the space station prototype, a bright thick beam of light shines downwards through a series of large magnifying lens, producing an ever increasingly intense column of energy that speeds into the battery receptacle.
However, when the beam reaches the bottom, it reflects into mirror ball heat rays rotating in a circular motion around the room, burning continuous swaths in all the walls and ceiling.
The crowd screams and panics, scattering and diving to the ground.
Waldo instinctively protects Imelyna by bringing her to the ground just in time as a heat ray barely misses her.
However, Waldo’s glasses fly off his face, and his eyes are no longer protected from the intense lights as he looks around.
Anmuth shuts off the machine just before the final reflected heat ray burns him directly in the face. Waldo watches Anmuth crumble to the ground dead.
Loud chaos and crying fills the room. Waldo notices the actual sun’s sunlight shining through the burned through paths on the ceiling.
From Waldo’s POV he sees sun rays illuminating swirling smoke and dust. But then his vision goes black. Waldo shakes.
Imelyna rushes to help an uneasy but rising Waldo to his feet. She sees his eyes, pulls off her eyewear, and stands in front of him to see the damage.
IMELYNA (CONT’D)
You’re hurt.
WALDO
I hear you in front of me, but I can’t see you.
Out of the corner of his eye Waldo can see Anmuth on the ground, and he uses Imelyna’s support to head towards him. Waldo kneels next to his dead and unrecognizable friend.
Imelyna is about to say something to Waldo as he stands and turns his head slightly to the side to see what’s in front of him. He heads to the battery receptacle where Ratliff was standing.
NOTE: Waldo now has solar retinopathy, which is burned out retinas from looking at the bright beams. He has the opposite of tunnel vision, meaning he can see everything peripherally, just not directly in front of him. FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE WALDO’S SIGNATURE GESTURE WILL BE TO ALWAYS HAVE HIS HEAD TURNED SLIGHTLY TO ONE SIDE OR THE OTHER.
OVER BY THE CONTRAPTION
Waldo leans over the paneling into the battery receptacle, head slightly turned to see a 4” mini disco mirror ball inside the charred remains of the smoldering battery chamber.
Waldo grabs the mirror ball and holds it in his palm.
IMELYNA
Who would put that in there?
Out of the corner of his eye, Waldo glimpses Ratliff slide out the back door.
EXT. PILOT PLANT ALLEY – MOMENTS LATER
Waldo bursts out of the backdoor exit and sees Ratliff walking away nonchalantly.
WALDO
Hey! Ratliff!
Waldo catches up and cuts him off.
WALDO (CONT’D)
You killed Anmuth!
Ratliff sees Waldo’s eyes and winces.
RATLIFF
The world will think you did.
WALDO
I have proof!
Waldo takes the mini disco ball out of his jacket pocket and holds it up.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Sabotage? Really? Because I wouldn’t sell out to you?
Ratliff stares blankly. He begins to walk away.
WALDO (CONT’D)
No! You’re going to jail!
Waldo puts the mini disco ball back into his jacket, and grabs Ratliff’s arm to prevent him from leaving.
Ratliff squeezes one of his cufflinks, which electrifies his jacket, causing Waldo to release his grip in pain.
Ratliff karate chops Waldo’s throat, hip tosses him to the ground, controls him with a wrist manipulation, and pins his neck under his knee.
RATLIFF
To the victor…belong the spoils.
Ratliff takes the mini disco ball out from Waldo’s jacket pocket and puts it into his own.
WALDO
(struggling for breath)
What is wrong with you? Why are you…
RATLIFF
Stop pursuing space solar.
Waldo struggles to get up, but Ratliff applies painful pressure to Waldo’s wrist and subdues him.
RATLIFF (CONT’D)
Stop.
WALDO
Stop my life’s work? Oh. (pause) You really just want to bury the technology. Big oil? Coal?
Ratliff draws his gun and points it at Waldo. Waldo doesn’t see it, so Ratliff puts the gun at an angle so Waldo sees it.
Waldo is instantly unnerved at seeing the gun, made worse seeing Ratliff’s finger squeeze slightly on the trigger.
RATLIFF
Reconsider a different “life’s work”…or I will kill you.
Ratliff notices Waldo’s pants darkening from urine, and bloody tears welling up in his terrified, injured eyes.
In one motion, Ratliff holsters his gun, stands, and hoists a confused and shaken Waldo to his feet.
Ratliff takes out his sunglasses and puts them on Waldo.
RATLIFF (CONT’D)
Your technology will never see the light of day. Isn’t that right, Waldo?
WALDO
(stupefied)
Uh. Right. Yes, sir. Thank you, Mr. Ratliff.
Waldo watches Ratliff walk away nonchalantly.
-
Hey Michael!
Want to exchange feedback?
-
Of course, will do)
-
-
Hey Michael!
Here are my notes!
_______
EXT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – BACKYARD OF A HOUSE – DAY
A boy’s fingers hold a pair of eyeglasses, using one of the extremely thick, high prescription lenses as a magnifying glass to see a splinter stuck in a cat’s paw. The cat meows in pain.
[NOTE: Decent description. A couple things. Avoid blocks of text. If you can separate different shots or ideas into new lines, it’ll help the pacing of your script read faster and be more honest to how it would be filmed. Also, and I realize this may be my personal bias, but avoid adverbs like three week old sushi. They tend to rob the scene of the emotional impact it deserves by substituting more powerful, visceral verbs, nouns, and font with an add-on that takes up space and fails to give the reader an emotional experience. So, this…
A boy’s fingers hold a pair of eyeglasses, using one of the extremely thick, high prescription lenses as a magnifying glass to see a splinter stuck in a cat’s paw. The cat meows in pain.
…becomes this…
A boy’s fingers hold a pair of coke-bottle eyeglasses…
Observing a splinter buried DEEP in a cat’s paw…
The cat mews and hisses at its wound.
…I’m not saying this is perfect, or even great writing, but it does showcase what you can do in later drafts when you start cutting out adverbs and speed up the pacing of your script with select, efficient word usage and short sentence structure. You have the opportunity to prioritize the emotion of the scene through action.]
WALDO (O.S.)
Ouchie, Mr. Pudding Cat. Crazy, one little prick…stops the world.
[NOTE: I like this line.]
Reversing the POV, the lens makes the intensely focused eye of adorable 10-year-old WALDO KATZ appear larger.
[NOTE: There are better and more efficient ways to give camera directions. First, though, is if you’re very lucky, you’ll get a cinematographer attached who’s better at his job than you are at his, and he’ll shoot your movie in a way that makes it even better than the greatness you put on the page. Second, “reversing POV” is a fourth wall break that pulls us out of the emotion of your script. Fourth wall breaks are great when they communicate personality and keep the pace moving fast. They can be death to your description if a reader has to spend too long deciphering the exact camera movement instead of the writer just informing what we’re looking at…
The MAGNIFIED EYE of 10 year old WALDO KATZ takes up half his face.
…Same description, same shot, but instantly understood without spending too long reading the intent. By the way, another reason to avoid adverbs is that they’re terrible at doing the one job they were designed for. “Intensely focused eye” only kind of gives me a mental picture, but it’s still vague because the follow up question is “how intensely are we talking? More intense than if the kid were playing FORTNITE? Intense like he’s brooding, or focused, or conniving?” When writing a first draft, let the words fall on the page as they may. In subsequent drafts, eliminate every adverb you see and find a way to communicate the same action in a more original or emotional way.]
WALDO (CONT’D)
But I can help!
The sad cat sits on top of scattered books, as Waldo, kneeling on the ground, pulls the splinter out with tweezers.
The relieved cat licks his paw.
WALDO (CONT’D)
I wrote you a prescription: look before you leap.
[NOTE: This is adorable.]
The cat springs forward into a bush, sending scurrying three mice who were walking in a row along the fence.
[NOTE: General note. Unless this is an animated film where anything goes, getting too specific, especially with actions that don’t appear to serve a purpose, can weigh down a script. Getting a stunt cat costs enough money. If I’m a producer putting my own money into your script, and I’m having to buy stunt mice as well and coordinate a shot involving them in the same frame as a cat, then there’d better be a reason for the mice to be included in the scene, or I’m crossing out the description with a red marker.]
Waldo notices a tiny plume of smoke rising in front of his eyes. He looks down and sees sunlight shining through a glasses lens and forming a concentrated sunbeam on a dried, withered leaf. A burn spot smolders.
[NOTE: There’s about three to four shots in this paragraph – establishing shots on the leaf, the sun bean, Waldo noticing both, the ignition – Each shot needs its own line. This takes up more space on the page, but it reads faster and is more honest with how the pacing of the film would go. I know I said earlier that camera directions should be largely determined the cinematographer, but there’s a common sense checklist of information to be conveyed, which you can develop into some fantastic, efficient, descriptive action text.]
WALDO (CONT’D)
Whoa!
Waldo repositions, laying stomach down on the ground.
[NOTE: This is good descriptive text – “laying stomach down on the ground.” I get an immediate visual and it doesn’t overstay its welcome.]
Playing with the angle of a lens and the distance to the leaf, he gets the leaf to smolder and generate a tiny flame.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Cool!
An ant meanders into the sunbeam and fries to death.
[NOTE: Again, good descriptive text.]
WALDO (CONT’D)
Oh, god, no!
Waldo cries tears of remorse.
[NOTE: This is another general note, but “of [emotion]” is good for first draft, but should prompt an exploration in subsequent drafts in how to more accurately depict a character’s emotional state. “Waldo cries tears of remorse” could become…
Waldo cries. – The poor little ant!
…or…
Waldo sobs – The ant was innocent!
…or…
Waldo weeps, guilt ridden.
…Again, this is just a tad more specific and helps us connect to the character with as little mental work for the reader as possible.]
EXT. SPACE
Standard view of Earth.
[NOTE: Fine, but I know you’re more creative and can bring so much more out of this shot than “standard.”]
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
We’re headed towards armageddon. It’s inevitable.
[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of the first page, which if it is, this is a great line to have at that bottom. That’s a straight up prediction and leaves the reader with some curiosity as to how the boy incinerating an ant ties with “armageddon.” Good stuff.]
_______
ON THE TWIST…
The Ratliff reveal is handled very well. You take him for an energy tycoon, only to get James Bond. It’s a lot of fun.
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
The inciting incident comes up in the following pages if I remember your story correctly, but the setup is all there. This is deeply personal for Waldo, and we want to know if his technology will succeed, if he’ll get vengeance, if Imelyna and he will work out.
ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…
People who’re critical of climate change will get turned off by the commercial, but as long as the story focuses on a relatable, universal character journey, those same people should be able to forgive it.
The conversation between Ratliff and Waldo is excellent. Waldo turning it down tells us exactly who he is: an idealist through and through. He cannot be influenced by money in any way.
Won’t comment on typos. You know what to do.
The exchange between Waldo and Anmuth is on the nose, but I like it anyway. Their explanations are solid and give insight into their goals and who they are as people.
“Vampires Are People Too.” Funny line. The dialogue stays fun throughout. I’ll admit, I’m not super critical of dialogue, so I can’t comment as much as our other classmates who’re are naturally better at it than me. All I can say is that I’m enjoying reading it.
I’ve commented on the first page about action description. Got a little lost when reading about the beam hitting the mirror. A good rule of thumb is anytime you need more than one comma, make a separate shot/line. This sometimes will apply if there’s even one comma in a sentence. Take the readers hand and guide them shot by shot, visual by visual, through your action.
Instead of “(pause)” try “…”. It reads faster and says the same thing. You use it in the following line by Ratliff, and it works so much better.
The biggest thing the opening ten pages need is faster, more efficient action description. Beyond that, the rest of it reads great. This is a very fun script you’re writing. Can’t wait to read more.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
-
VERISION 3
I cut out the last 2 scenes I was including in the last 2 versions….and hope this works
so it is waaay shorter.. however.. is it enough?SYNOPSIS
Nia has been searching for her Father for 15 years and finds him by chance in a small rural town, the last on the theatre tour she is on. The community, led by Hispanic ‘Mayor’ Luciana, is waging an escalating battle for their land and life-style against the developer in the midst – Darrogh, who is Nia’s father. Darrogh and Luciana, with a bitter past, are stunned to see Nia, recognizing her as the image of her Mother.
Nia discovers he is not the father she had idealized, and also learns the truth of her Mothers’ death from Luciana who was her Mother’s best friend before Darrogh ended their friendship. Nia is torn between believing her father can be a good man and wanting to help the community save the land from his landfill development. A sting plan is hatched to con Darrogh out of his development plans.
The final ‘telling’ takes place on stage when the troupe perform a special play revealing he has been tricked, and Nia confronts her Father with what she knows. She gives him one last chance to own his as actions and when he can’t, she leaves free and clear on the bus, out into the world, knowing the truth. Darrogh, having lost everything but most of all a chance at love, commits suicide on the steps of his giant, empty mansion.
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
LUCIANA
Siempre en ese sombrero malvado.
Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Sí, estoy haciendo tortillas. ¿Tú gustas? ¡Claro, muy a la orden!
She laughs.
LUCIANA
¡Claro que sí! Come eat mañana y hacemos un plan.
She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.
LUCIANA
No. No son para ti. ¡Sácate!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Muchos besos. Hasta luego.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
Out of the bus comes a 23year old Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. Just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f***’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I’m great!
Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a tidily caught projectile, quietly. No fuss.
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
SHAUNN
Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
SHAUNN
That all?
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. Good thing this is the last stop of the tour.It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Nia gives him the finger.
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
SHAUNN
To get here before dark. You shouldn’t have had that bison burger – as a newly practicing vegetarian.
Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits. She grins, followed by a little burp.
NIA
Ooh! That’s better.You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!
SHAUNN
You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.
Nia starts to stand.
SHAUNN
Here, let me help you.
Nia barely lets him as she lurches up and leans on the bus.
NIA
Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen!
SHAUNN
The incredible thing will be that it’s dark and your tent isn’t set up. Can you make it to the trees?
He’s half teasing, half serious. Offers her his hand again.
NIA
I love this time of night.
Nia taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.
NIA
This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.
“Evenings are the beautifully sweet spot between the harsh light of the day and the dead darkness of night.”
SHAUNN
Beautiful. Who said that?
NIA
It’s one Mr Unknown’s. But I love it. I could live there. A spirit between worlds.
She looks off.
SHAUNN
I know you could. But right now? You’re an actress who’s on tour, with a campsite to HELP set up. After you, Ma’am.
Shaunn executes a deep Sir Walter Raleigh type bow.
NIA
Kind sir, I will be with you in but a mere instant. Just give me a small scintilla of time to soak in this.
Nia curtseys, then pops up again – all contemporary girl.
And then I’ll pitch the tent like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE!
SHAUNN
Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?
NIA
One more rinse.
Nia rinses vigorously and spits again.
NIA
Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!
SHAUNN
You and those feelings!
NIA
Seriously – this last town? Gonna’
be spectacular!
She grins and hands back the water bottle..
NIA
(brightly)
Hey, positive side. I didn’t throw up in the bus!
SHAUNN
There is that. You have amazing control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand. And your speed of recovery is second to none.
Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.
NIA
Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the travel sickness thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!
Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the 2 packs and walks off to join the others.
EXT. SAME FIELD – 3 MINUTES LATER
Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the darkening valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, all animation dropping from her.
NIA
(whispering)
What do you think, Mom? Maybe here? It’s not over – yet. There’s still time.
INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn.(Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)
Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)
A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.
NIA
It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.
SARAH
The old couple over there.
MICHAEL
And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!
SHAUNN
And we’ll never-ever leave!
AT THE BAR
IAN
Where are they staying?
DAVE
Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.
IAN
A shame her Grandpa lost that.
DAVE
He was cheated out of it.
IAN
Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.
LUIS
I’d love to get it back.
IAN
Who wouldn’t?
LUIS
Take a miracle.
SUSAN
Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!
AT THE OTHER TABLE
SYLVIE
I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.
HAROLD
Is it one of those Shakespeare things?
SYLVIE
Yes, and you‘ll like it.
HAROLD
I never understand them.
FRANCIS
What one are they doing?
HAROLD
Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.
FRANCIS
That’s them over there. We can go ask.
SYLVIE
Oh yes. Come on.
She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.
AT THE OTHER TABLE
MERCEDES
Here they come!
As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.
SYLVIE
Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.
The ‘standers’ all shake hands.
Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.
MERCEDES
I’m Mercedes.
Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.
SARAH
Sarah!
Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table and shakes hands with everyone throughout the following.
NIA
Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.
SYLVIE
Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.
TIM
Please, take a seat.
Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.
Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.
FRANCIS
Ready for the play?
SHAUNN
Absolutely!
HAROLD
Shakespeare, right? What play is it?
SARAH
Much Ado About Nothing’.
HAROLD
That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.
Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.
SUSAN
Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.
Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.
DAVE
Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?
Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.
DAVE
Do you have a permit?
SARAH
We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.
The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.
FRANCIS
Luciana!
He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.
Hades sits on it.
Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.
LUCIANA
Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!
Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.
LUCIANA
(muttering)
Santa Madre de Dios!
Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.
DAVE
Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?
Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.
LUCIANA
Green field?
MERCEDES
The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.
NIA
And do the show.
Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.
LUCIANA
I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.
SYLVIE
All?
LUCIANA
The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?
NIA
Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.
LUCIANA
Tu hablas español?
NIA
Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.
LUCIANA
That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.
FRANCIS
Then look out!
Luciana claps her hands.
LUCIANA
A round on the town to welcome our guests.
Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.
Francis pulls Luciana aside.
FRANCIS
You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.
LUCIANA
That’s why I said yes.
FRANCIS
Why did they ask you?
Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.
FRANCIS
That fake website?
LUCIANA
A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.
Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.
Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.
SYLVIE
What’s she done now?
FRANCIS
A small win in her endless battle for the farm.
SYLVIE
And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.
FRANCIS
Not yet anyway.
A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.
CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.
CUT TO:
Luciana has made her way to Nia and is leading her out of the hubbub, Hades at their heels. She is holding 2 beers.
EXT. THE QUIET STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB.
Nia is happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.
LUCIANA
Salud!
NIA
Salud!
Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.
LUCIANA
Is this your first time here, Nia?
NIA
Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?
LUCIANA
Most of my life, si. Where are you from?
NIA
East coast.
LUCIANA
You are very beautiful.
NIA
Oh, um. Thank you. You too.
LUCIANA
It is not always a good thing, is it?
NIA
It can be – challenging.
Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.
LUCIANA
I hate it!
Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.
NIA
Me too!
Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.
LUCIANA
He likes you. Let’s walk. I am liking this quiet. Do you have a dog at home?
She leads Nia down across the narrow road into a small park, under soft street light. She gestures to Hades he can run and he bounds off.
NIA
No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Wait – I do remember a dog. A long time ago.
LUCIANA
Cuando eras una niña?
NIA
My Spanish..
LUCIANA
When you were little. A child.
Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere. Hades reappears and nuzzles Nia’s leg, asking her to rub his head.
NIA
May I?
LUCIANA
(nods)
I think you are stealing my dog.
Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.
LUCIANA
Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?
NIA
I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.
LUCIANA
Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.
Nia is jolted.
NIA
They sometimes have hair…
LUCIANA
Yes.
Nia is remembering that her mother had such a dog.
NIA
There was a dog… My mother.
LUCIANA
He was a gift to her.
Nia is a surprised at the statement.
NIA
Why do you say that?
LUCIANA
I know things.
They have arrived at a huge tree. The each take a pull on their beers enjoying the night.
NIA
Do you ever feel like you’re going to walk around the corner? and Bam! You know who you are!
LUCIANA
What are you looking for?
Nia finishes her beer and is a little buzzed.
NIA
Nothing – and everything.
LUCIANA
And when you find this nothing and everything?
NIA
I don’t know. Just…. I won’t be alone.
LUCIANA
Sometimes alone is okay.
NIA
Maybe.
She looks back toward the pub and street
NIA
Tell me about this town.
Luciana makes a choice. She deliberately puts her hand on Hades’ head and looks right at Nia.
LUCIANA
It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.
NIA
Who?
LUCIANA
A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.
Hades licks Luciana’s hand.
NIA
He wants to keep you safe.
LUCIANA
He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely.
NIA
Maybe I’ll borrow him one day.
Luciana nods slowly.
LUCIANA
Yes maybe. Come, we need a margarita.
She leads the way back, Hades at her heels.
NIA
I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?
Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.
LUCIANA
It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.
Nia laughs.
NIA
I want to meet her! OK! Let’s make my eyes water.
LUCIANA
(stopping)
Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.
Nia suddenly hugs her.
NIA
I think we’ll be friends. I’ll go ahead get those margueritas!
She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, her face soft and a little sad. She addresses Hades who is watching Nia disappear into the pub..
LUCIANA
La he encontrado! And she will find her everything and nothing.
Luciana makes the sign of the cross again and looks up, her other hand resting on Hades.
LUCIANA
Mantenla a salvo oh Dios. We will watch over her.
EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING
A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.
-
Hey Kate!
Here are my notes!
_______
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
[NOTE: Untamed is the key description that caught my eye. The rest of it good, with “50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner” being great as a lead up to that word “untamed.” She sounds like someone that Life just kicked around like a can, trying to get her to submit, but she’s too determined to be broken.]
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
[NOTE: Even through the Spanish, we know what “bastardo” means. Nice opening with a word that tells us something’s got her worked up.]
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
[NOTE: I would avoid adverbs as though they were hornets. They tend to waste space on a page and rob an emotion that could be communicated with more visceral clarity by using a better noun, verb, metaphor, punctuation, etc…
She flips the tortillas with EMPHASIS, hanging on EVERY WORD.
…This says the same thing but gives a little more personality and feeling.]
LUCIANA
Siempre en ese sombrero malvado.
Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Sí, estoy haciendo tortillas. ¿Tú gustas? ¡Claro, muy a la orden!
She laughs.
LUCIANA
¡Claro que sí! Come eat mañana y hacemos un plan.
She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.
[NOTE: She SHOOS him away – These aren’t for you!]
LUCIANA
No. No son para ti. ¡Sácate!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
[NOTE: The dog STANDS HIS GROUND as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.]
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
[NOTE: Did we go inside? If so, an “INT. LUCIANA’S HOME – EVENING” may be needed.]
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Muchos besos. Hasta luego.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
[NOTE: Hades sneaks in behind her, and she tosses him a piece of the tortilla she’s nibbling – fine, take it – as she rubs his ears.
I’m sorry if my personal war against adverbs isn’t helpful. I think it’s fine for a first draft, but it should be the writer’s goal to look for a better way to communicate the action and the emotion behind it than deliver an otherwise useless adverb. I get that they have their utility in the English language, but they’re a substitute for a rich vocabulary in a finished screenplay. Thesaurus.com is open 24 hours a day on my computer to assist with my own limitations. Aside from that, this is a solid first scene and much of the action reads well. One more strategy to keep in mind in order to avoid blocks of text is to think of camera shots like new lines of description. For example…
She puts the phone down.
Hades sneaks in behind her, and she tosses him a piece of the tortilla she’s nibbling – fine, take it – as she rubs his ears.
Her face hardens, even as her eyes soften with tears.
…That’s three different camera shots. It takes up a bit more space on the page, but it’s more honest to the pacing of how it would be filmed, and it reads faster as well.]
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of page 1. This is a good first page. We get some inclination of a goal for Luciana, and she’s a strong character.]
_______
ON THE TWIST…
Nia talking to the spirit of her mother is a good twist. It tells us this isn’t just a girl in a band. There’s something greater and more spiritual at play, and we have to keep reading to find out.
I like the twist where Luciana knows Nia and there’s an allusion to her knowing Nia’s mother as well. This sets up well for Luciana to act as a sort of guardian angel for Nia.
ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…
The inciting incident appears to occur before the events of the movie when Darrogh robs Luciana of her land, and multiple characters bring this up. Even though it’s not a sudden break between the “ordinary world” and the “unfamiliar world” there’s the sense of everything in motion, inevitably driving to its destination.
ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…
“Elf of a woman” is great. The rest of Nia’s description is very vivid. I do think the run-on sentence is a little overbearing, so it may help to break it up with either separate sentences, new lines of description, or an invitation like “And let me tell you about this woman’s style.”
I don’t know why, but I kind of like this inversion of a hero shot for Nia. We’re seeing her at her worst as her first introduction. Maybe it’s also the relatability I have with car-sickness, but there’s also an immediate goal and conflict: Will Nia get better, and who is this eclectic woman when she’s not having a bus induced exorcism?
The exclamation points are throwing me off. They make me think she’s good to go, excited, full of energy. She either recovers extremely fast or is just an excited person by nature, and that shows through her feeling at her worst.
There’s not a lot of conflict following her sickness and it feels like a long monotone beat afterward. She can recover quickly, but Shaunn’s got to have some conflicting personality or something to contrast with Nia. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme, Shaunn doesn’t have to be a jerk, argumentative, or anything like that. He does need to offer a counter-argument to Nia’s optimism. She believes this place is going to be life changing, and Shaunn believes it’s no different than any other place. Nia’s an imaginative child, and Shaunn’s a realist. Something along those lines to give this scene and characters some more dimension.
“The ‘standers’ all shake hands” is a great efficient writing.
I like the chemistry between Nia and Luciana. Like with Nia and Shaunn, there’s some care needed to ensure their engagements don’t feel like one note scenes. Luciana harboring secrets that Nia doesn’t have access to does create some engaging moments, where Luciana is trying to jog Nia’s memory, while Nia is just trying to have a good time and let her destiny fall into her lap. There’s a lot of potential between these two.
It just occurred to me, but this feels very similar to Westerns where an outsider rides into town to help the citizens overcome a corruption that’s taken over their settlement (RANGO, DJANGO UNCHAINED, UNFORGIVEN, etc). Instead of a gunslinger, though, you have a very feminine angle at play between Nia and Luciana. It’s a terrific, original angle and I’m looking forward to reading more.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Thank uou so much Cam. lots of good input here.
I think the synopsis points out that the real big conflict? is that the person she’s been looking for/hoping to find since he abandoned her after her mother (Amahla) died – her father – is Darrogh.. who blames Luciana for Amahla’s death and who came here to destroy her… Yikes! and love the analogy to the western – she came there by accident but it still works!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
-
COMMENTS FROM DEV IN CAPS!
FADE IN (DON’T FORGET TO ADD THIS IN AT TOP OF YOUR SCRIPT.)
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
LUCIANA
Siempre en ese sombrero malvado.
Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Sí, estoy haciendo tortillas. ¿Tú gustas? ¡Claro, muy a la orden!
She laughs.
LUCIANA
¡Claro que sí! Come eat mañana y hacemos un plan.
She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.
LUCIANA
No. No son para ti. ¡Sácate!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Muchos besos. Hasta luego.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
KATE, I LIKE USING THIS ESTABLISHING SCENE TO LET US KNOW ABOUT THE CONFLICT RIGHT OFF. MY PROBLEM IS THAT IT’S TOO STATIC. IT DOES NOT GRAB ME. THE SPANISH SEEMS TO OVERTAKE THE SCENE. I’M LEFT WONDERING WHO SHE’S SPEAKING TOO AND WHY IT SEEMS LIKE A SPANISH LESSON OF SORTS. WHAT IF SHE’S ALREADY IN A RAGE ABOUT DAR DESTROYING THEM. (WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN HER BACKSLIDING INTO SPANISH-WHEN SHE’S EXCITED) PERHAPS SHE’S ALMOST AT THE POINT OF GIVING UP OR DOING SOMETHING DESPERATE? MAYBE THE PERSON ON THE PHONE WARNS HER NOT TO DO ANYTHING STUPID WHEN… AT THE LAST MOMENT LUC SEES THE BUS PULLING INTO THE FIELD IN THE DISTANCE… THE SIGHT OF THE BUS WITH ITS COLORFUL CHARACTERS EMERGING COULD BRING HER HOPE OR GIVE HER AN IDEA. MAYBE SHE KNOWS THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE BUT THEN GETS THE IDEA TO TELL THEM THEY CAN JUST TO PISS OFF DAR? OR…? MY COMMENTS MAY NOT BE HELPFUL HERE BUT I’M STILL LEFT WITH THE FEELING YOUR OPENING SCENE IS TOO TAME. WHILE LUC IS AN TERRIFICALLY INTERESTING CHARACTER, THE DIALOGUE ISN’T INCITING ENOUGH FOR ME.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
Out of the bus comes a 23year old Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. Just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f***’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I’m great!
Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a tidily caught projectile, quietly. No fuss.
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.
SUGGEST CUTTING “YOU DO THAT VERY QUIETLY.” WE SAW THAT SO HE DOESN’T NEED TO SAY IT.
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
SHAUNN
Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
SHAUNN
That all?
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. Good thing this is the last stop of the tour.It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Nia gives him the finger. DOES SHE REACH UP TO FEEL ALL THE MAKE UP SMUDGED AROUND HER EYES? IF NOT, THEN HOW WOULD SHE KNOW WHAT HE MEAN’T?
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
SHAUNN
To get here before dark. You shouldn’t have had that bison burger – as a newly practicing vegetarian.
Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits. She grins, followed by a little burp.
NIA
Ooh! That’s better.You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!
SHAUNN
You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California. SUGGEST CUTTING ‘ALWAYS EXCITED” AND GO RIGHT TO THE PUNCH.
Nia starts to stand.
SHAUNN
Here, let me help you.
Nia barely lets him as she lurches up and leans on the bus.
NIA
Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen!
SHAUNN
The incredible thing will be that it’s dark and your tent isn’t set up. Can you make it to the trees?
He’s half teasing, half serious. Offers her his hand again.
NIA
I love this time of night. TOP OF SCENE SLUGLINE SAYS IT’S LATE AFTERNOON. SHE’S SAYING SHE LOVES THIS TIME OF NIGHT. YOU’LL NEED TO CALL OUT DUSK SETTLING IN.
Nia taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.
NIA
This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.
“Evenings are the beautifully sweet spot between the harsh light of the day and the dead darkness of night.”
SHAUNN
Beautiful. Who said that?
NIA
It’s one Mr Unknown’s. But I love it. I could live there. A spirit between worlds.
She looks off.
SHAUNN
I know you could. But right now? You’re an actress who’s on tour, with a campsite to HELP set up. After you, Ma’am.
Shaunn executes a deep Sir Walter Raleigh type bow.
NIA
Kind sir, I will be with you in but a mere instant. Just give me a small scintilla of time to soak in this.
Nia curtseys, then pops up again – all contemporary girl.
And then I’ll pitch the tent like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE!
SHAUNN
Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?
NIA
One more rinse.
Nia rinses vigorously and spits again.
NIA
Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place! SUGGEST CUTTING THE NEXT FEW LINES AFTER THIS. THEY FEEL REDUNDANT TO ME.
SHAUNN
You and those feelings!
NIA
Seriously – this last town? Gonna’
be spectacular!
She grins and hands back the water bottle..
NIA
(brightly)
Hey, positive side. I didn’t throw up in the bus!
SHAUNN
There is that. You have amazing control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand. And your speed of recovery is second to none.
Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.
SUGGEST PICKING BACK UP HERE..
NIA
Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the travel sickness thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!
Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the 2 packs and walks off to join the others.
SCENE PLAYS TOO LONG FOR ME. YOU DO A GREAT JOB SETTING UP THEIR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT AWAY. IT GETS A BIT EXPOSITORY AFTER INITIAL SET UP.
EXT. SAME FIELD – 3 MINUTES LATER
GOT TO CALL OUT DUSK IN SLUG LINE.
Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the darkening valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, all animation dropping from her.
NIA
(whispering)
What do you think, Mom? Maybe here? It’s not over – yet. There’s still time. A BIT ON THE NOSE. HOW ABOUT THE HOOK OF “IT’S NOT OVER – YET. THERE’S STILL TIME.’ THIS MAKES ME WONDER AND HOOKS ME IN.
INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn.(Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)
Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)
A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.
NIA
It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.
SARAH
The old couple over there.
MICHAEL
And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!
SHAUNN
And we’ll never-ever leave!
AT THE BAR
IAN
Where are they staying?
DAVE
Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.
IAN
A shame her Grandpa lost that.
DAVE
He was cheated out of it.
IAN
Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.
LUIS
I’d love to get it back.
IAN
Who wouldn’t?
LUIS
Take a miracle.
SUSAN
Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!
AT THE OTHER TABLE
SYLVIE
I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.
HAROLD
Is it one of those Shakespeare things?
SYLVIE
Yes, and you‘ll like it.
HAROLD
I never understand them.
FRANCIS
What one are they doing?
HAROLD
Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.
FRANCIS
That’s them over there. We can go ask.
SYLVIE
Oh yes. Come on.
She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.
AT THE OTHER TABLE
MERCEDES
Here they come!
As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.
SYLVIE
Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.
The ‘standers’ all shake hands.
Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.
MERCEDES
I’m Mercedes.
Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.
SARAH
Sarah!
Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table and shakes hands with everyone throughout the following.
NIA
Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.
SYLVIE
Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.
TIM
Please, take a seat.
Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.
Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.
FRANCIS
Ready for the play?
SHAUNN
Absolutely!
HAROLD
Shakespeare, right? What play is it?
SARAH
Much Ado About Nothing’.
HAROLD
That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.
Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.
SUSAN
Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.
Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.
DAVE
Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?
Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.
DAVE
Do you have a permit?
SARAH
We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.
The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.
FRANCIS
Luciana!
He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.
Hades sits on it.
Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.
LUCIANA
Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!
Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.
LUCIANA
(muttering)
Santa Madre de Dios!
Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.
DAVE
Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?
Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.
LUCIANA
Green field?
MERCEDES
The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.
NIA
And do the show.
Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.
LUCIANA
I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.
SYLVIE
All?
LUCIANA
The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?
NIA
Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.
LUCIANA
Tu hablas español?
NIA
Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.
LUCIANA
That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.
FRANCIS
Then look out!
Luciana claps her hands.
LUCIANA
A round on the town to welcome our guests.
Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.
Francis pulls Luciana aside.
FRANCIS
You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.
LUCIANA
That’s why I said yes.
FRANCIS
Why did they ask you?
Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.
FRANCIS
That fake website?
LUCIANA
A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.
Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.
Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.
SYLVIE
What’s she done now?
FRANCIS
A small win in her endless battle for the farm.
SYLVIE
And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.
FRANCIS
Not yet anyway.
A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.
CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.
CUT TO: SUGGEST TAKING OUT ‘CUT TO’S’ AS THEY USUALLY DON’T BELONG IT A SCRIPT UNTIL A DIRECTOR DOES A SHOT BREAKDOWN.
Luciana has made her way to Nia and is leading her out of the hubbub, Hades at their heels. She is holding 2 beers.
EXT. THE QUIET STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB.
YES! GLAD YOU TOOK THEM OUTSIDE!
Nia is happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.
LUCIANA
Salud!
NIA
Salud!
Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.
LUCIANA
Is this your first time here, Nia?
NIA
Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?
LUCIANA
Most of my life, si. Where are you from?
NIA
East coast.
LUCIANA
You are very beautiful.
NIA
Oh, um. Thank you. You too.
LUCIANA
It is not always a good thing, is it?
NIA
It can be – challenging.
Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.
LUCIANA
I hate it!
Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.
NIA
Me too!
Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.
LUCIANA
He likes you. Let’s walk. I am liking this quiet. Do you have a dog at home?
She leads Nia down across the narrow road into a small park, under soft street light. She gestures to Hades he can run and he bounds off.
NIA
No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Wait – I do remember a dog. A long time ago.
LUCIANA
Cuando eras una niña?
NIA
My Spanish..
LUCIANA
When you were little. A child.
Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere. Hades reappears and nuzzles Nia’s leg, asking her to rub his head.
NIA
May I?
LUCIANA
(nods)
I think you are stealing my dog.
Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.
LUCIANA
Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?
NIA
I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.
LUCIANA
Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.
Nia is jolted.
NIA
They sometimes have hair…
LUCIANA
Yes.
Nia is remembering that her mother had such a dog. SUGGEST SIMPLY: NIA IS REMEMBERING…
THEN NEXT PIECE OF DIALOGUE TELLS US.
NIA
There was a dog… My mother.
LUCIANA
He was a gift to her.
Nia is a surprised at the statement.
NIA
Why do you say that?
LUCIANA
I know things.
They have arrived at a huge tree. The each take a pull on their beers enjoying the night.
NIA
Do you ever feel like you’re going to walk around the corner? and Bam! You know who you are!
LUCIANA
What are you looking for?
Nia finishes her beer and is a little buzzed.
NIA
Nothing – and everything.
LUCIANA
And when you find this nothing and everything?
NIA
I don’t know. Just…. I won’t be alone.
LUCIANA
Sometimes alone is okay. DON’T GET WHY SHE SAYS THIS NOR DOES IT SEEM NEEDED. STRONGER TO GO RIGHT TO: “TELL ME ABOUT THIS TOWN.”
NIA
Maybe.
She looks back toward the pub and street
NIA
Tell me about this town.
Luciana makes a choice. She deliberately puts her hand on Hades’ head and looks right at Nia.
LUCIANA
It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us. HERE’S WHERE I SUGGEST TAKING MORE TIME. LUC COULD SAY “IT IS NOT WHAT IS WAS.” AND THEN LEAVE IT HANGING TO SEE IF NIA BITES AND ASKS MORE. WHEN SHE DOES, LUC GAINS HOPE AND IS FUELED TO SAY MORE. IT’S CALLED THE ‘TAKE AWAY.’ ACT LIKE IT’S TOO MUCH TO PUT ON THE OTHER PERSON TO TELL THEM YOUR PROBLEMS AND THEN HAVE THEM URGE YOU ON TO TELL THEM. IT JUST SEEMS THAT LUC GOES INTO IT TOO EASILY. WHERE’S HER EMOTIONAL CONFLICT? CAN SHE TRUST THIS GIRL SHE JUST MET, EVEN IF SHE SUSPECTS WHO SHE IS?
NIA
Who?
LUCIANA
A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.
Hades licks Luciana’s hand.
NIA
He wants to keep you safe.
LUCIANA
He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely.
NIA
Maybe I’ll borrow him one day. I FEEL THIS IS TOO ON THE NOSE. SUGGEST CUTTING CROM LUC’S ABOVE LINE TO HER TEN SAYING THEY NEED A MARGARITA. I FEEL IT LEAVES HER MORE MYSTERIOUS THAT WAY.
Luciana nods slowly.
LUCIANA
Yes maybe. Come, we need a margarita.
She leads the way back, Hades at her heels.
NIA
I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?
Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.
LUCIANA
It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.
Nia laughs.
NIA
I want to meet her! OK! Let’s make my eyes water.
LUCIANA
(stopping)
Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.
Nia suddenly hugs her.
NIA
I think we’ll be friends. I’ll go ahead get those margueritas! SUGGEST CUTTING LINE AFTER ‘I THINK WE’LL BE FRIENDS.’ THEN HAVING HER BOUND OFF. “LET’S MAKE MY EYES WATER!’
She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, her face soft and a little sad. She addresses Hades who is watching Nia disappear into the pub..
LUCIANA
La he encontrado! And she will find her everything and nothing. SUGGEST CUTTING THIS AND GOING RIGHT TO HER CROSSING HERSELF. IT KEEPS IT MUCH MORE MYSTERIOUS AS TO HER MOTIVES.
Luciana makes the sign of the cross again and looks up, her other hand resting on Hades.
LUCIANA
Mantenla a salvo oh Dios. We will watch over her.
EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING
A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.
KATE, LOTS GOOD HERE AS ALWAYS. TRULY COLORFUL AND RICH CHARACTERS WITH A CLEAR STORY UNFOLDING. JUST THINK IT’S OVER WRITTEN AS IF FOR STAGE RATHER THAN USING THE FILMATIC TECNIQUE OF MORE SHOWING THAN TELLING. THINK IT WAS A VERY GOOD CALL TO PUT LUC IN FIRST SCENE BUT THINK YOU NEED TO MAKE IT EDGIER 0R MORE INTENSE.
BEST!
DEV
-
-
This is VERSION 2 – Thanks to Alice, Cam and Kate for their comments on the previous version! Welcome to critique!
Feature title: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage
Logline: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end.
FADE IN:
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Break up. Break up…Tell her: go to hell!… Gotta break up or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.
==============================
SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM
==============================
A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about separation and shattered feelings.
A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.
Through the shades, PICTURES ON THE WALL show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC, mid-20’s, she could have easily chosen the beauty queen path, but these images and medals evidence her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.
An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase…
“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“
engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.
Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa’ slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…
PICTURE FRAME
She replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.
Parisa climbs on the treadmill. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and… BUZZ! A burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.
PARISA
Sorry, old friend. I can’t get to sleep tonight, so neither can you.
============ end of page 1==============
She quickly wipes off her tears. So her…
EXPERT EYES
can focus on the console and push the…
UP ARROWS
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Higher… Higher… Excellence…
PICTURES ON THE WALL
echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.
The DISTANCE, SPEED digits on the control panel roll up fast. All set for high standards.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)
“Show me miles and miles.
Make me feel I’m reaching.
Say we’re going far away
while I’m here, stuck
in the same old place.”
She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.
Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.
Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry. SHRIEEEK ! ! !
It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.
Parisa builds up speed. Slows down. Non-stop, she adds Thai-boxing moves: Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.
The treadmill monster GROANS ! ! !
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.
ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.
============ end of page 2==============
==============================
SUPER: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM
==============================
Right in the middle of the area, men with muscled physiques wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…
OCTAGON CAGE
Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.
Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he THRUSTS Red into the cage wall with a sudden spin and kick to the plexus.
As Red bounces back, Blue DRILLS his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red STUMBLES. Moves back. The cheers get even LOUDER!
But Red strikes back. He BENDS BLUE IN HALF with a side kick and then pins him down. The impact produces a loud THUD sound. Red doesn’t even bother to go for submission. Blue can’t get up.
Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE – SAME TIME
Lights off. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair.
BAHADUR, 29, Iran ex-paramilitary, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms.
Someone insistently knocks on the door.
The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding.
Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.
A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.
SYLVAIN
Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—
Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur winces and covers his eyes.
============ end of page 3==============
SYLVAIN
Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go kick butts, mon cher ami.
Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up.
The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair.
He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
C’mon. I promised I’d take care of you. Don’t want my niece to lose her faith on me, OK?
The fighter’s mask is left on the table.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Oh my— (picks it up) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.
One of them sits on a pile of boxes.
FRED CORNER, late 40’s, talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.
FRED
Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!
Right in front of him, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK advances through the crowd towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.
FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)
Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!
Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred.
FRED (CONT’D)
Lemme be your investment adviser! I’m Cash-Only-Fred, Clean-Bets-Fred. Hey, Father! Think profits!
============ end of page 4==============
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.
Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.
Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – ARENA GATE
Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.
SYLVAIN
OK, mon ami. You stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and we walk to the cage. Stay with me.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE
Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.
Following his sign, security guards push the crowd away, clearing the path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter to enter the cage.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)
Hey-hey-hey! First time ever! LIVE in New York! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… Ladies and gents, this is no one else but the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ!
Recklessness surge. Bets flow to solicitors as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE
Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)
And who’s gonna face our guest? I cannot find a better man than our New York adopted son fighter! The undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR!
============ end of page 5==============
Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way.
CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL
Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.
SYLVAIN
You know I would call this off, but mom’s hospital bills are sucking your savings.
Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Besides, I think you stand a better chance against just one man in that cage than against an angry mob… specially after they’ve laid their money on you.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths.
Sylvain takes a look inside the cage.
SYLVAIN’S POV
Shahnaz flexing muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. Growls like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.
BACK TO SCENE:
Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around towards Bahadur. Tries to stop him from looking inside the cage.
SYLVAIN
Second thought, I guess we should better take our chances with the mob. Think you could run fast?
Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.
============ end of page 6==============
BAHADUR
Gotta finish this, Pops!
Security guards quickly lock up the gate.
INSIDE THE CAGE
The two fighters stand face to face.
The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.
SYLVAIN
Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!
Guards utter no sound.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?
GUARD ONE
Sir. We ain’t got no towels. A match is over when it’s over.
SYLVAIN
B-but the rules—
GUARD ONE
There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !
SYLVAN (mumbles along)
Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!
Sylvain’s expression fills with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.
IN THE CAGE
Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a Parkour SIDE FLIP. Before landing, his two legs DRILL into Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas. The audience ROARS as he quickly transitions into leg submission.
============ end of page 7==============
Maroon Cloak stands by the giant’s corner. He holds…
A DAGGER
More than half of THE BLADE has changed into BLOOD-RED COLOR. This catches Bahadur’s attention.
———————————
MEMORY FLASH – THE CUT
Before the fight, Bahadur enters the lockers.
Maroon Cloak deliberately bumps on him.
Bahadur winces. His hand quickly covers his arm, but can’t suppress the SHARP STINGING PAIN.
There is a cut on the sleeve of his jacket.
BACK TO THE CAGE
———————————
Shahnaz GROANS in pain, but does not concede the fight.
Bahadur feels weak. He glances at the SCRATCH on his arm, then at the man in Maroon Cloak holding the DAGGER.
———————————
BAHADUR POV
Maroon Cloak’s hoodie partially covers his face.
He sneers and then, in silence, his lips pronounce a word: POISON
BACK TO THE CAGE
———————————
Bahadur dismisses the message. He presses harder on Shahnaz leg, but his strength fades away.
As the transformation of the DAGGER BLADE advances, Bahadur gets weaker. Softens. Can’t go on. His arms free Shahnaz leg. Then, finally, vanishes.
Now the BLADE shines BLOOD-RED COLOR from hilt to tip.
CROWD AREA
The audience whistles at the second upset of the night. A big brawl erupts.
Security, paramedics swarm into the place.
============ end of page 8==============
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.
Cellphone vibrates. The LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.
———————————
ON PARISA’S CELLPHONE SCREEN
Sylvain’s text preview: “I’m sorry. He’s gone. They took him”.
BACK TO PARISA
———————————
WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.
=========================
A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE
=========================
— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS – DAY
— Parisa runs upstairs.
PARISA (V.O.)
How long ago?
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. It was a KO. Never got to the hospital.
— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S BEDROOM — DAY
— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.
— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.
— Frantically searches for something.
PARISA (V.O.)
Are you okay, Pops?
— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.
— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, yah. I’m just calling ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?
============ end of page 9==============
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)
YOU. KNEW. THIS.
PARISA (V.O.)
I don’t know. I just heard a… forget it. I MUST find him, Pops! Help me! You got to help me!
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
You know you can count with me.
PARISA (V.O.) Merci, merci! Is mom still…
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone) Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. Don’t worry. I’ll think up something.
— Parisa opens the box.
— Pulls a Middle East style PENDANT NECKLACE
— She unlatches it. It opens like a pocket watch. GLOWS.
— She looks inside the pendant. Fear floods her expression.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)
Hey. Uh… Hello? A-are you still there?
PARISA (V.O.)
Oui. I gotta go. I will call you when I land in New York.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, oui. Be careful, will you? Those bastards—
— INT. PARISA’S HOME ENTRANCE – DUSK
— She leaves the house with a carelessly fasten backpack on her shoulder.
PARISA (V.O.)
I know, I know. Take care, Pops.
END OF MONTAGE
============ end of page 10==============
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
Hi Antonio,
I’m late to reading your stuff but as a practicing martial artist and a lover of martial arts movies, I was eager to read your story. My comments will be in CAPS.
Dev
Feature
title: The Girl Inside the Fighting CageLogline: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end.
FADE IN:
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
SUGGEST SLUG LINE READ: INT. PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT – FRANCE – NIGHT
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.
AS A PERSON WHO STILL TEACHERS IN A GYM, I LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION BUT AFTER READING ON, I FOUND IT CONTRADICTED YOUR LEAD CHARACTER. SHE’S SO DETERMINED AND FOCUSED. SEEMS ODD THAT SHE’D HAVE A WORK OUT ROOM FULL OF TRASH. UNLESS THE TRASH INDICATES SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT HER…. ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT HERSELF.
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Break up. Break up…Tell her: go to hell!… Gotta break up or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.
GUESSING SHE IS EITHER DRIVEN BY VOICES IN HER HEAD THAT SHOW HER STRESSED MENTAL CONDITION OR THAT SHE HAS A PSYCHIC CLAIRAUDIO AWARENESS OF THINGS…
==============================
SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM
==============================
A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about separation and shattered feelings.
A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.
Through the shades, PICTURES ON THE WALL show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC, mid-20’s, she could have easily chosen the beauty queen path, but these images and medals evidence her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.
An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase…
“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“
engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.
GREAT CONTRAST HERE, TELLS US A LOT ABOUT HER IN JUST A FEW CHOSEN IMAGES. NICE!
Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa’ slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…
PICTURE FRAME
She replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.
ANOTHER GREAT VISUAL. AGAIN, TELLS HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT HER PARENT’S BELIEF IN HER.
Parisa climbs on the treadmill. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and… BUZZ! A burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.
PARISA
Sorry, old friend. I can’t get to sleep tonight, so neither can you.
============ end of page 1==============
She quickly wipes off her tears. So her…
EXPERT EYES
EXPERT EYES IS TRICKY. I’M NOT GETTING WHAT THAT MEANS. IS SHE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T MISS A THING? EXPERT CONNOTES THAT SHE IS HIGHLY TRAINED. IS THIS WHAT YOU ARE GOING FOR? OR?
can focus on the console and push the…
UP ARROWS
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Higher… Higher… Excellence…
PICTURES ON THE WALL
ARE THE VOICES REPRESENTATIVE OF HER PARENTS PUSHING HER TO EXCEL?
echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.
The DISTANCE, SPEED digits on the control panel roll up fast. All set for high standards.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)
“Show me miles and miles.
Make me feel I’m reaching.
Say we’re going far away
while I’m here, stuck
in the same old place.”
She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.
Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.
Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry. SHRIEEEK ! ! !
It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.
Parisa builds up speed. Slows down. Non-stop, she adds Thai-boxing moves: Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.
FROM THE INDICATION OF HER AS CHEERLEADER TO SEEING HER THROW PUNCHES IS QUITE GOOD. TELLS US A LOT ABOUT HER. OTHER THAN MY CONFUSIONS AS TO WHAT YOU ARE GOING FOR WITH THE VOICES AND THE TRASHY WORK OUT ROOM, I LIKE HER, ALREADY ROOT FOR HER, AND AM EAGER TO SEE WHAT SHE DOES. YOU GOT ME HOOKED THERE.
The treadmill monster GROANS ! ! !
LOVE THE GROAN OF THE TREADMILL SEGUING INTO NEXT SCENE. GREAT USE OF SOUND TRANSITION.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
SUGGEST: INT. UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT
An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.
ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.
============ end of page 2==============
==============================
SUPER: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM
==============================
Right in the middle of the area, men with muscled physiques wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…
OCTAGON CAGE
Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.
Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he THRUSTS Red into the cage wall with a sudden spin and kick to the plexus.
As Red bounces back, Blue DRILLS his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red STUMBLES. Moves back. The cheers get even LOUDER!
But Red strikes back. He BENDS BLUE IN HALF with a side kick and then pins him down. The impact produces a loud THUD sound. Red doesn’t even bother to go for submission. Blue can’t get up.
Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE – SAME TIME
SUGGEST USING ‘CONTINUOUS’ INSTEAD OF ‘SAME TIME.’
Lights off. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair. WHERE IS THE LIGHT COMING FROM IF LIGHTS ARE OFF? FILTERED LIGHT FROM A WINDOW? IS BAHADUR IN SHADOW? YOU HAVE A CHANCE HERE TO SET MORE OF A MOOD.
BAHADUR, 29, Iran ex-paramilitary, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms.
Someone insistently knocks on the door.
The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding.
Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.
A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.
SYLVAIN
Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—
Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur winces and covers his eyes.
============ end of page 3==============
SYLVAIN
Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go kick butts, mon cher ami.
Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up.
The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair.
He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
C’mon. I promised I’d take care of you. Don’t want my niece to lose her faith on me, OK?
THIS DIALOGUE SEEMS ODD TO ME. SLYLVAIN ENTERS AND IF HE’S SO CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT HIS NIECE THINKS, WHY IS HE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO BAHADUR’S STATE OF BEING – WHICH DOESN’T APPEAR GOOD. WE LEARN SLYVAIN IS ANXIOUS ABOUT MONEY LATER. I THINK IT NEEDS TO BE EARLIER SO WE SEE WHAT’S AT STAKE.
The fighter’s mask is left on the table.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Oh my— (picks it up) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.
IF WE KNOW ABOUT HIS MOM AND THE BILLS THAT NEED TO BE PAID, WE REALLY BEGIN TO ROOT FOR THEM BOTH TO GET THROUGH THIS. OTHERWISE, TO THIS POINT, SLYVAIN JUST SEEMS LIKE A TOTAL GREEDY ASSHOLE.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
SUGGEST AGAIN TO FIX SLUGLINE. THE LOCATION ALWAYS GOES FIRST. YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO STATE IT’S IN NEW YORK
Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.
One of them sits on a pile of boxes.
FRED CORNER, late 40’s, talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.
FRED
Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!
Right in front of him, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK advances through the crowd towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.
FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)
Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!
Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred.
FRED (CONT’D)
Lemme be your investment adviser! I’m Cash-Only-Fred, Clean-Bets-Fred. Hey, Father! Think profits!
============ end of page 4==============
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.
Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.
Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – ARENA GATE
Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.
SYLVAIN
OK, mon ami. You stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and we walk to the cage. Stay with me.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE
Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.
Following his sign, security guards push the crowd away, clearing the path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter to enter the cage.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)
Hey-hey-hey! First time ever! LIVE in New York! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… Ladies and gents, this is no one else but the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ!
Recklessness surge. Bets flow to solicitors as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE
Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)
And who’s gonna face our guest? I cannot find a better man than our New York adopted son fighter! The undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR!
============ end of page 5==============
Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way.
CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL
Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.
SYLVAIN
You know I would call this off, but mom’s hospital bills are sucking your savings.
SUGGEST SETTING THIS UP EARLIER. SYLVAIN SEES HIS FIGHTER’S CONDITION, ASKS IF SHE SHOULD CALL IT OFF. WHEN BAHADUR PUSHES ON, WE LEARN WHAT KIND OF MAN HE IS. WILLING TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Besides, I think you stand a better chance against just one man in that cage than against an angry mob… specially after they’ve laid their money on you.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths.
Sylvain takes a look inside the cage.
SYLVAIN’S POV
Shahnaz flexing muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. Growls like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.
BACK TO SCENE:
Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around towards Bahadur. Tries to stop him from looking inside the cage.
SYLVAIN
Second thought, I guess we should better take our chances with the mob. Think you could run fast?
IF NOT SET UP PROPERLY, SYLVAIN’S SUDDEN CHANGE OF MIND ABOUT THE FIGHT IS TOO ABRUPT.
Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.
============ end of page 6==============
BAHADUR
Gotta finish this, Pops!
Security guards quickly lock up the gate.
INSIDE THE CAGE
The two fighters stand face to face.
The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.
SYLVAIN
Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!
Guards utter no sound.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?\
AGAIN, SET UP PROPERLY, THIS COULD WILL BE CHILLING AS WE SEE SLYLVAIN DESPERATELY NOW TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE FIGHT. UPS THE TENSION.
GUARD ONE
Sir. We ain’t got no towels. A match is over when it’s over.
SYLVAIN
B-but the rules—
GUARD ONE
There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !
SYLVAN (mumbles along)
Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!
Sylvain’s expression fills with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.
IN THE CAGE
Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a Parkour SIDE FLIP. Before landing, his two legs DRILL into Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas. The audience ROARS as he quickly transitions into leg submission.
LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION!
============ end of page 7==============
Maroon Cloak stands by the giant’s corner. He holds…
A DAGGER
More than half of THE BLADE has changed into BLOOD-RED COLOR. This catches Bahadur’s attention.
———————————
MEMORY FLASH – THE CUT
Before the fight, Bahadur enters the lockers.
Maroon Cloak deliberately bumps on him.
Bahadur winces. His hand quickly covers his arm, but can’t suppress the SHARP STINGING PAIN.
There is a cut on the sleeve of his jacket.
BACK TO THE CAGE
SUGGEST THIS NOT BEING A FLASHBACK. FLASHBACKS NEED TO BE USED JUDICIOUSLY. THIS COULD HAVE BEEN QUICKLY SET UP AT THE TOP, THEN CUT TO PARISA. IF SET- UP BEFORE HAND, THE AUDIENCE CAN BEGIN TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER AS BAHADUR’S WEAKNESS BEGINS TO MANIFEST.
———————————
Shahnaz GROANS in pain, but does not concede the fight.
Bahadur feels weak. He glances at the SCRATCH on his arm, then at the man in Maroon Cloak holding the DAGGER.
———————————
BAHADUR POV
Maroon Cloak’s hoodie partially covers his face.
He sneers and then, in silence, his lips pronounce a word: POISON
BACK TO THE CAGE
———————————
Bahadur dismisses the message. He presses harder on Shahnaz leg, but his strength fades away.
As the transformation of the DAGGER BLADE advances, Bahadur gets weaker. Softens. Can’t go on. His arms free Shahnaz leg. Then, finally, vanishes.
Now the BLADE shines BLOOD-RED COLOR from hilt to tip.
CROWD AREA
The audience whistles at the second upset of the night. A big brawl erupts.
Security, paramedics swarm into the place.
============ end of page 8==============
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.
Cellphone vibrates. The LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.
———————————
ON PARISA’S CELLPHONE SCREEN
Sylvain’s text preview: “I’m sorry. He’s gone. They took him”.
INCITING INCIDENT FOR PARISA
BACK TO PARISA
———————————
WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.
=========================
A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE
=========================
— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS – DAY
— Parisa runs upstairs.
PARISA (V.O.)
How long ago?
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. It was a KO. Never got to the hospital.
— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S BEDROOM — DAY
— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.
— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.
— Frantically searches for something.
PARISA (V.O.)
Are you okay, Pops?
— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.
— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, yah. I’m just calling ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?
============ end of page 9==============
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)
YOU. KNEW. THIS.
PARISA (V.O.)
I don’t know. I just heard a… forget it. I MUST find him, Pops! Help me! You got to help me!
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
You know you can count with me.
PARISA (V.O.) Merci, merci! Is mom still…
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone) Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. Don’t worry. I’ll think up something.
— Parisa opens the box.
— Pulls a Middle East style PENDANT NECKLACE
— She unlatches it. It opens like a pocket watch. GLOWS.
— She looks inside the pendant. Fear floods her expression.
SEEMS THIS COULD BE CONNECTED TO THE VOICES? IF YES, LET US KNOW, OTHERWIDE LEAVES TOO MANY QUESTIONS UP TO THIS POINT.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)
Hey. Uh… Hello? A-are you still there?
PARISA (V.O.)
Oui. I gotta go. I will call you when I land in New York.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, oui. Be careful, will you? Those bastards—
— INT. PARISA’S HOME ENTRANCE – DUSK
— She leaves the house with a carelessly fasten backpack on her shoulder.
PARISA (V.O.)
I know, I know. Take care, Pops.
END OF MONTAGE
I WILL WATCH THIS AS A MOVIE! TOTALLY GRABBED ME BUT ALSO LEFT TOO MANY CONFUSIONS FOR ME. STILL, I’M EXCITED TO SEE THIS EVOLVE! LOVE THE FEMALE FIGHTER AND THINK THAT’S VERY SELLABLE IN THE INDUSTRY TODAY. CONGRATULATIONS!
DEV
-
Hi Dev!
Thank you for these comments. All your assumptions are right, so I have no doubt that those parts that confused you need some further development. Well, WOW, some of your assumptions are even the same as the notes I added to myself when designing the scenes. Like the scruffy fitness room in contrast to the perfectionist trait of the character.
You are giving me great suggestions here. VERSION 3, here we go!
-
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
Day 6 – Making Your First 10 Pages Great – Assignment
Mike O – Ready for Critique!
1. Give us a one or two paragraph synopsis of the story. That is so we can compare the opening and inciting incident to see if it will do a good job of launching the story.
Synopsis: Entitled, “Christmas Trimmings”
As executor of her estranged father’s estate, Brooklyn discovers the truth about her parent’s divorce. On the verge of commercial success, romance finds her at a crossroads: disillusionment, a mother’s deception, and her father’s devious business partner conspire to undermine her world. Brooklyn rises above tragedy in order to create her happy ever after.
The story concept is one of loss, how it affects Brooklyn, a young woman on the cusp of becoming a successful artist and the choices she makes. Indecisive, naïve, a dreamer and closet romantic, recovering from the death of her mother, her world is turned upside as tragedy arrives in the form of a certified letter. Her life is now on a collision course with the harsh realities of tragedy. Choices and decisions force her to change her view of the world, of people and give purpose to her actions. As the executor of her father’s estate, Brooklyn travels to a mountain town in Colorado and stays in the cabin he had built.
A handsome stranger with two, young sons comes bearing presents, unaware Joshua, their friend and Brooklyn’s father, has passed. There is attraction, chemistry and hesitancy on both their parts. A single parent’s life with its complications and Brooklyn’s career keep their fledgling romance on the edge of failure, until a life-threatening emergency brings them together. Salvation in the form of love transforms Brooklyn and saves the handsome stranger from a widower’s lonely life.
—————————————————————-
2. Using the Skill Mastery Sheet, do a rewrite of your first ten pages to prepare them for a critique.
ACT ONE
Early morning skiff of snow coats the street, the vehicles and strands of holiday garland encircling the lamp poles along main street.
The citizens of Evergreen are caffeinating, copulating, showering, getting ready for their day. It will be another forty minutes before traffic ushers in this particular Monday.
INT. GARBAGE TRUCK CAB – EVERGREEN, COLORADO – DAWN
We are in the driver’s seat of a large garbage truck. The only audible sound is Tchaikovsky’s, “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” There is a small, snow globe glued to the dashboard.
From this vantage point, we have an unobstructed view as the vehicle turns left, into an alley that runs between Main Street and First Avenue.
The three story, turn-of-the-century brick buildings lining the side street have been converted into town-homes, lofts and boutiques.
We TRACK over the Garbage Man’s jacketed shoulder, HEAR the scratch of his stubble against the coat collar, but are unable to see his face.
The CAMERA REMAINS PERCHED on his shoulder. A laminated employee badge clipped to ashtray reads: George.
Through a bedroom window on the right, we see two people having sex. Woman on top is at a full gallop.
GEORGE “Lucky stiff.”
In the window on the left, we SEE an elderly man at a kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. ZOOM IN on the box of cereal.
GEORGE “They still ‘magically delicious,’ Harold?”
Vehicle slows, turns forty-five degrees to the right. Still looking over his shoulder, we see a feral cat SCRUNCH down on the lid to the garbage bin as the truck pulls up.
GEORGE “Move it or lose it, gato. Nine lives is an urban legend.”
CLAWING the air in defiance, the cat bares its teeth, then darts off.
Song comes to a close. BLEED IN the mechanical SOUNDS of the garbage truck’s hydraulics as it hoists the metal bin into the air.
Behind the dumpster, we SEE a body lying face up.
GEORGE “Holy shit! No, no… damn it. Joshua!”
Gloved hand pushes levers, truck comes to a stop.
Driver’s door opens, George jumps out of the cab. And as he lands, he loses his footing, we find…
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK – NEIGHBORHOOD MAIL BOX – CHICAGO – AFTERNOON
BROOKLYN: porcelain-skinned, siren haired. Michelangelo would have sculpted her for David. She turns away from the mailbox with a handful of mail. One envelope in particular, has caught her eye.
INSERT – LETTER’S RETURN ADDRESS
“J.M. 6368 Forest Lane Rd., Evergreen, CO.”
Lost in thought, she looses her footing. ARMS pinwheel as she attempts to regain her balance. Letters go flying.
Brooklyn lands in a pile of snow the road-grader bladed off the cul-de-sac earlier. HOLD ON her staring up at the CAMERA, unsure if she is hurt.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEYWAY –EVERGREEN, CO – CONTINUOUS
Joshua, on his back in a painter’s smock. He cannot hear or feel George above him attempting to resuscitate him.
There are SPLOTCHES of yellow paint on Joshua’s sleeve and his cheek. A paintbrush in his shirt pocket, half-empty bottle of whiskey in his hand.
CLOSE ON the dabs of frozen paint. They resemble flower petals that have curled and pulled away from the skin.
GEORGE (cell phone in hand) “Jack, send Amy to the alley behind the Babbling Brook Gallery.”
INTERCUT: GEORGE, THE ALLEY; JACK, SHERIFF’S STATION.
JACK “Do I wanna know?”
In his office, Jack reaches for a sugar cookie, glances at the clock and SIGHS.
GEORGE “Joshua wasn’t a drinker, never saw him so much as nurse a beer. You?”
JACK “Not even his eggnog. I’ll have Amy do a full workup, Mayor.”
GEORGE “Mornings like this, make me wish it wasn’t so.(chuckles) You know it was Joshua who convinced me to run for office.”
JACK “You giving Jake his job back when he returns from holiday?”
GEORGE “Driving this rig has given me a new perspective on our town, the roads and its citizens.”
JACK “Let me get Amy headed over there. Keep everyone away.”
Drifting from the cab of the garbage truck, Andrea Bocelli Christmas music starts up.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK – NEIGHBORHOOD MAIL BOX – CONTINUOUS
Brooklyn picks herself up, gathers her mail — CLUTCHES it against her chest — HURRIES home in a careful, half-stride fashion.
In the living room window, her Christmas tree. Taped to the front door, a life-size, cut-out of Frosty, the Snowman.
Brooklyn unlocks the door, gives Frosty a do-tell look.
BROOKLYN “There wasn’t any magic in that old silk hat, was there?”
INT. TOWN HOME – CONTINUOUS
A creature of habit, mail is DROPPED on the counter along with her purse and keys. Cell phone gets tethered to its charger.
Brooklyn KICKS OFF her heels, leaves them at the front door. Coat, gloves, and scarf go in the coat closet. On her way to the bedroom, she turns up the wall thermostat.
INT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Brooklyn undresses, throws on her flannel jamies and fuzzy house slippers.
As CAMERA PULLS BACK, we discover Brooklyn is quite the interior decorator.
Warm and feminine, the room’s rich colors and textures transition seamlessly into one another. She strides out of the room, inadvertently kicking the cat’s flickable, ping-pong ball.
Brooklyn watches it ROLL down the hall.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
BROOKLYN “You’re safe, ping. Cat’s run off. Just you and me.”
She walks down the hallway, stops, turns around and retrieves the ping-pong ball. In her palm, she feels the teeth marks the cat inflicted.
BROOKLYN “It’s time you saw the Christmas tree and got into the holiday spirit. Nothing bad is going to happen, trust me. Cat’s gone.”
TIME CUT: KITCHEN — BROOKLYN POURING WINE. ON THE COUNTER, A CUTTING BOARD, KNIFE, SMALL WEDGE OF CHEESE CRACKERS. IN THE BACKGROUND, KENNY G. CHRISTMAS MUSIC.
Gathering up the mail, her phone, the cutting board and box of crackers, Brooklyn steps into the living room and plops down on the love seat.
Moment later, phone RINGS. Brooklyn checks caller ID, smiles.
BROOKLYN “I was about to call you.”
CAROLYN “Wanted to make sure you made it home. Supposed to snow all night.”
BROOKLYN “In my pjs with a glass of wine. You’ll never believe who wrote me.”
CAROLYN “Brian, or is it Bobby? I can’t keep up… Who?”
BROOKLYN “Turns out Bobby is married. I hate how men lie. People change, grow old and die. A painting does not change its mind or leave. It does not lie, need love, or anyone’s approval. (sips wine) It’s why I trust paints and canvas. People, not so much.”
CAROLYN “We all start out as a blank canvas. What we choose to put on it, defines us. Trust me, when you least expect it, love finds a way.”
BROOKLYN “You sound like Ian from Jurassic Park, ‘Life finds a way.’ Hated that line, too schmaltzy.”
CAROLYN “He was right and so am I. Being in love is like believing in Christmas or the magic in Frosty’s hat.”
BROOKLYN “Sorry, love finds a way, not something I’ll to be saying any time soon.
CAROLYN “Speaking of time. The big three-O, come Saturday. You are coming over, right? I’ll have Stan grill salmon filets, I bought a bottle of that French Pinot you love.”
BROOKLYN “You don’t have to do that. Seriously, I’ll be okay.”
CAROLYN “Don’t ever settle for okay. It is a big deal and I want to be there for you. Won’t take NO for an answer. I’ll even throw in chocolate cake from Delacroy’s.”
BROOKLYN “You make saying no, impossible. Mother always made a big deal out of…(words fail – beat) Thank-you.”
CAROLYN “After my mother passed, I was a mess. Holidays are the worst. If you need to come over and spend time, please do. I know my boys would love to see you.”
BROOKLYN “Maybe tomorrow. I’ll bring a pizza. We can watch a Christmas movie.”
CAROLYN “Excellent. Until then. Good night, Brook.”
Brooklyn hangs up, sets the phone aside. Curled up in her favorite throw blanket, she stares out the window, into the falling snow.
In a corner of the room, her Christmas tree. As if on cue, the timer turns ON. Tinseled and twinkling, it is perfect. Brooklyn salutes the tree with her wine glass.
She flips through the mail: pile for flyers and junk, another for bills. Halfway through the stack, she is stopped by an envelop with a yellow, forwarding address sticker.
Brooklyn stares off a moment.
BROOKLYN “It’s not possible.”
She TOSSES it to the floor as if it were red hot. Struggling to remain calm, she takes several, deep breaths.
BROOKLYN “It’s not him. I can’t do this right now.”
Brooklyn turns to the framed portrait of her mother on the coffee table.
INSERT – PHOTOGRAPH
Distinguished, silver-haired lady. In the background, a fireplace with Christmas stockings hanging from the mantle.
BACK TO SCENE
Brooklyn struggles to keep from tearing up. She picks up the photograph, gives her mother a KISS, sets it down.
BROOKLYN “Wish you were here. I’m enjoying your favorite cheese.”
The fact she died in April from a brain tumor, doesn’t seem possible.
BROOKLYN “Been eight months; it feels unreal.”
Brooklyn stares at the envelope lying on the hardwood floor, her expression conveys trepidation, even fear.
BROOKLYN “What do you want? You left, you abandoned me. Why now?”
She reaches for a wedge of cheese on the cutting board and inadvertently knocks the ping pong ball off the coffee table.
Brooklyn COUNTS the number of times the ball bounces, watches it roll to the tree and STOP at the edge of the felt skirt.
BROOKLYN “Eight times (hits her) Eight days until Christmas, eight months since mother… eight-maids-a-milking (eyes angel topping her tree) what are you trying to tell me?”
She loses herself in the swirling antics of moth-sized snowflakes outside her window, unaware she is mouthing multiples of eight. At one-hundred-twenty, she stops. Realizing what she’s doing, she reaches for her wine.
Two glasses later, Brooklyn retrieves the envelope. Her hands shake. She takes a deep breath, OPENS the envelope and removes the Christmas card.
INSERT – WRITING
“Merry Christmas, Brook. Love Dad.”
BACK TO PRESENT.
Squeezing her eyes shut against all that she feels, Brooklyn sets the card aside. As she is reaching for a wedge of cheese, there is a loud KNOCK at the door.
Brooklyn glances at the wall clock, eye brow lifts. She hurries to the door, looks in the peep-hole.
Postal carrier has her sign for a certified letter, then hurries off.
She closes the door, walks back to the couch, her eyes glued on the return address:
INSERT: RETURN ADDRESS
“Mr. Alan Worthington, Esq. Worthington Law Offices 15 Main Street Wintergreen, Colorado, 80437”
Sitting, Brooklyn opens the envelope. The feel of the heavy-grade paper between her fingers adds to her dread.
She begins reading. In the second sentence, the word “deceased” JUMPS OFF THE PAGE!
Stunned, eyes wide in disbelief. HOLD for a beat as Brooklyn processes. Shrinking, her posture crumples; the letter forgotten in her lap.
Oblivious to the tears, to muttering, “no, no, no…” her voice retreating to a scared little girl wanting her daddy back.
BROOKLYN “There’s been a mistake. I just got his Christmas card!”
She grabs the card as proof, then remembers the forwarding sticker on the envelope. The date of the postal stamp slams the door to denial shut.
Brooklyn bursts into a pained laugh,
BROOKLYN “Eight days! He was alive eight days ago.”
Imagining her father, whom her mother called a ne’er-do-well, having an estate, turns the loss into anger.
BROOKLYN “Executor of what, a double wide. That’s rich… I’m not going!”
She THROWS the attorney’s letter aside in disgust. In ULTRA SLOW MOTION TRACK the two pages as they fall to the floor.
ZOOM IN on the second page which lands at the foot of the couch.
INSERT – PAGE
“Tangible assets are as follows: art gallery, four bedroom cabin, three vehicles, two bank accounts…”
Brooklyn kills the last of the wine, gets up inadvertently kicks the second page of the letter under the couch as she walks to the coat closet.
INT. COAT CLOSET – CONTINUOUS
On the floor, a plastic, storage bin. Inside it, a dozen, empty boxes of Christmas bulb containers. Brooklyn digs down to the bottom and retrieves a small cardboard box.
The writing on it reads: “Merry Christmas, Brook.”
Brooklyn takes the homemade Christmas ornament out of the box, walks over to the trash can and pauses. Torn. Unable to go through with it.
Brooklyn steps into the other room, looks at her mother’s photograph, her expression one of confusion. Even betrayal.
BROOKLYN “What didn’t you tell me?”
Brooklyn goes to the Christmas tree and hangs the homemade Christmas bulb.
INSERT – CHRISTMAS BULB
A heart design filled with red glitter. In the center, the green glitter initials: JM + BM
JOSHUA (O.S.) “A father’s love for his daughter, nothing can change that, Brook. You’ll always be my princess. “
BACK TO SCENE.
BROOKLYN “I’m coming daddy.”
Brooklyn reaches for her phone. On the fifth ring, Carolyn answers.
BROOKLYN “Carolyn, I d-dddidnt’ wake you, did I?”
Carolyn hears the quiver in Brooklyn’s voice.
CAROLYN “What is it, Brook? What’s happened?”
BROOKLYN (sobs) “It’s my father… Joshua is dead!”
-
Critique for Michael O’Keefe
From Lisa Long
Using the Skill Mastery sheet as a guide I see that your basic structure is solid. You’ve presented a shocking opening followed by Setup/Twist. You created story questions and the ten pages end with an event that sets the entire story in motion.
The overall feeling is that of a Hallmark movie. Now, I watch all the Hallmark movies, so I recognize your lead female character. An item on the Skill Mastery sheet says, “Do a serious think session about your lead character’s most unique traits and make sure they are in full blossom on that first page.” I know she’s not exactly on the first page, but I think you could make your female lead a bit more unique and interesting.
I recognize the snow globe on the dashboard as a nod to Home Alone!
Love the cat’s name, Scrunch, reminds me of grinch. Audience will wonder if Scrunch is Brooklyn’s cat…nice set up.
I think George NOT really being a garbage man is a strong surprise in the opening!
The line about the “blank canvas” – so on the nose and Hallmarky. But after reading the next few lines, I see why you did it. Do people speak like that though?
I only say this because I have been dinged on this several times on my pages: You have many camera directions. I have removed most of the directions I had in my script. I’ve been told that we should leave the directions to the other professionals that will work on the film. Of course, do what you think is right for your story.
I enjoyed reading your first ten pages…this is the kind of story I consume. You are a strong writer, and you absolutely can sell this. I hope to be able to read your first draft!
Regards, Lisa
-
-
My review of Lisa’s Second Revision. I sent the first round of note to her in a private message as I was not sure how to connect and get it to her. I see, now, you don’t. Sorry.
*VERSION TWO*
========================================
FADE UP
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
CLANG! Lightening cracks!
Two soaked figures tied together are hanging by a rope off the bridge.
WOMAN
(Dressed like an angel)
I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save ME.
She looks down at the MAN.
(NOTE: I like the woman dressed like an angel as she is a savior for their family and for Peter)
WOMAN (CONT’D)
But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?
Woman’s cell phone rings. She answers as though nothing is wrong.
(Nice touch, “as though nothing is wrong”)
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
Stuffing the phone back into her pants the rope jerks! She looks up but can’t see through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
Well, this is what I am.
She leans back letting the rain hit her.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I’m a mother in America!
I’m trying to convince myself and everyone else that it really is a wonderful li…
SNAP! The woman and man fall out of view.
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!!
FADE OUT
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY-CONTINUOUS
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…
We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.
MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS
THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM
There are people walking around town and going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS
THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…
You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.
(NOTE: thin down this exposition above. Show thru Mary’s actions that the town living in the fame of a mythological town is tiring and/or taxing. Say something like “Stifling, when you face HOA’s (Home Owner’s Association) edicts on a city-wide level. Grousing to a friend, she says: “Innovative architecture, no; progressive redistricting, no. Status quo, naturally.”
Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. But I couldn’t do it. So, my poor Peter has taken over running the show this year.
THE FRONT OF THE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM
THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
Oh no. There it is. Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 3 years ago, my husband Peter saved me from death at that bridge. We separated shortly after that event. The George Bailey bridge sits in the middle of town and haunts us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…
CUT TO
STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.
WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)
This is the street where I lived. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.
MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
The one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.
EXT- MARY’S HOUSE-DAY
Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.
MARY (V.O. CONT’D)
After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later. There are my beautiful daughters. This is where I leave you…because I don’t live here anymore.
(NOTE: I would show the above passage in this manner: Three weeks before graduation, I had two large suitcases in the closet, several maps of Europe and a cheat-sheet with currency and exchange rates. The next week I find myself sitting on the toilet waiting for the pregnancy wand to determine my fate. Minute later, travel plans were forever altered. Vacillating, Peter and I agreed that a baby was for us.)
CUT TO
INT- PETER’S HOUSE-FOYER
Peter’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set.
INT-PETER’S KITCHEN-DAY
Peter carefully pulls a pan of Christmas cookies out of the oven. Then looks around to find a clear spot to put them. Every surface is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies. He plops them on top of another pan to cool. Peter goes to the front screen door. He yells outside.
PETER
Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!
Peter clears some of the clutter on the table. He grabs a couple of hot waffles out of the toaster and slaps some ice cream on top each of them. Peter stops and looks at his mother-in-law’s photo on the wall. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her tablet under her arm.
(NOTE: I would go with Cam’s thoughts on tightening the introduction of Ruthie and Janie. He is really good! I read though several of his critiques and was quite impressed.)
PETER
That is not how the song goes.
RUTHIE
Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!
JANIE
Yeah!
Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.
PETER
Okay, if you day so.
The girls take their seats and Peter places their breakfasts of waffles and ice cream on the table. After all, it’s hot outside. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats his dog food.
PETER (CONT’D)
No tablets at the table, Ruthie.
RUTHIE
I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.
PETER
I’ll take a look at it. You eat.
Peter sits and looks at the tablet. He sees Ruthie is on the NORAD site. Peter sees a message on the top of the site that states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23<sup>rd</sup> of December”.
PETER (CONT’D)
It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.
RUTHIE
Can mommy fix it?
PETER
Mommy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. That reminds me. (Looking at his phone) I need to call your mother to see if she’s coming over for Christmas.
Peter puts his phone down and gets serious.
PETER (CONT’D)
Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your mom for Christmas.
RUTHIE
What do you mean?
JANIE
She’s coming, isn’t she?
PETER
Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. She’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.
Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.
PETER (CONT’D)
BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Josephine!
RUTHIE
Sure.
JANIE
It’s not the same without mommy.
They sit in silence. Peter’s not sure what to say next. He gets a wet cloth and wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.
PETER
You like Jo, don’t you?
RUTHIE
She’s nice.
Janie shakes her head yes. Ruthie pulls away as Peter tries to wipe her face too.
PETER
Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?
The girls look at the photo of their grandma on the wall.
PETER (CONT’D)
She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”
Peter clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Peter looks at their sad faces.
PETER
Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school!
Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Peter.
PETER (CONT’D)
You too, Uncle Billy!
Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.
CUT TO
INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING
MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest.
Enter MARY WINTERS, a 5’6’, 37-year-old, who is shaped like a Christmas tree and the woman Peter saved from drowning years prior. She is Peter’s brooding wife who is also a war veteran. She wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…
MA
Skip! Stand up.
SKIPPER
Why?
MA
(Hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.
MARY
Good morning.
MA
Skip.
SKIPPER
Good morning.
MA
(scoldingly) Good morning, what?
SKIPPER
(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.
MARY
Please sit down.
Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”
Mary sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the cloudy window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.
MA
(to Skipper) You may sit now.
Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Mary. Ma places Mary’s breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of her. Then serves Skipper. Mary pushes the eggs around…she really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but she does it to show respect for Ma.
MARY
Good as always, Ma
MA
Glad you like it. You have work today?
MARY
I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to help him with his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her plants. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.
MA
Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!
MARY
Thanks, Ma.
MA
Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.
Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Mary. Mary stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.
SKIPPER
Well, aren’t ya going to open it?
MARY
I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.
MA
You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.
Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper rolls his eyes, but slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands.
Feeling embarrassed about the pink envelope, Mary stuffs the envelope in her pants pocket. Ma hands her a thermos with a long strap and she throws it over her arm. Mary busses her place taking her dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back screen door.
SKIPPER
(Looking out the back door) Why’s she always in such a hurry?
MA
She’s a busy woman, helping out people every day in this town.
Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Mary slowly going down the walk reading her letter.
MA (CONT’D)
I sure hope she can get her shop working again. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave woman who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious mother, a friend to all. Don’t matter that she’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.
Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.
MA (CONT’D)
She is loved.
Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.
MA (CONTINUED)
Now get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and scurries back to the kitchen when there’s a knock on the back door screen.
Ma opens the screen door. Skipper hangs out the door to see who’s there.
A disheveled and dirty HOBO is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness.
(NOTE: I would show, not tell. Take the passage above and show us: EX: Skipper frowns, mutters: “Doesn’t matter where they come from, when they hop off the train, they look and smell alike.” )
HOBO
Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.
MA
No one is turned away here. (hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.
(to Skipper)
What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper runs up the front stairs, refrains from slamming his bedroom door.
(NOTE: by adding this we avoid any stereotyping about homeless and minorities, also follows up on skipper’s assessment by showing, not telling. “The transient stands at the garden hose and washes up. Beneath the grime, the wood smoke and grit, we SEE a freckled hand. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.”
MA (CONT’D)
Come on in and sit down now.
HOBO
Ma’am, I can’t pay.
MA
No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!
Ma gives a heartfelt laugh.
CUT TO
EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY
Ma’s old Victorian Boarding House is set way back from the street. Mary is on Ma’s front walk. She rips open the pink envelope and pulls out the letter. Mary’s face falls and she tears up as she reads it.
CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER
The line that is highlighted (like in an old movie) is “Mrs. Winters you have until December 25<sup>th</sup> to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”
EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY
Mary is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. She steps off the curb and tires screech!
Peter has slammed on the brakes of the SUV.
INT-SUV-DAY
PETER
(jolting forward) Jesus!
JANIE
Dad!
PETER
Are you alright?
Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.
PETER
Stay in the car!
As Peter jumps out of the SUV…
JANIE AND RUTHIE
(yelling and waving through the windshield) Mom! Hi Mommy! We miss you! I love you, mommy!
PETER
Jiminy Christmas, Mary! I almost ran over you!
MARY
(stunned) Oh. Wow.
Seeing her daughters in the SUV, Mary waves at them.
PETER
What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?
MARY
Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.
Peter notices the letter in her hand.
PETER
Is that the bad news?
Peter tries to snatch it. Mary stuffs it in her pocket.
MARY
Never you mind.
PETER
What is it?
MARY
You never seem to get it. (in his face) We’re separated.
Mary walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.
PETER
(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!
Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their mom’s arms.
JANIE
Hi Mommy!
RUTHIE
Mommy! How are you?
Mary tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in her eyes, also because of the bad news she just got. Peter paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Mary.
MARY
I miss you little ladies.
RUTHIE
We miss you too.
Mary sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.
MARY
What are you doing?
RUTHIE
We’re waiting for Santa to fly.
Mary takes the tablet and stares at the main page of the NORAD site where Santa’s journey around the world is tracked every year. She recognizes the site because she worked at NORAD when she was in the military before being shipped off to war.
MARY
NORAD. I remember that site well.
JANIE
Mommy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?
MARY
Well…I can’t tell you baby.
Mary hands the tablet back to Ruthie.
PETER
Mar, can I speak to you for a second? Please?
MARY
Be good at school today little ladies.
Mary kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.
JANIE
When will we see you again?
MARY
Soon baby.
RUTHIE
Promise?
MARY
I promise.
Mary closes the SUV sliding door as if she’s closing the door to her heart. She meanders to the front of the vehicle where Peter is waiting.
PETER
Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.
Mary nonchalantly glances at her pocket.
MARY
I can’t commit to anything right now.
PETER
Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.
Peter stops and stares at Mary wondering if she’s slipped back into a deep depression. We hear what he’s thinking…
PETER (V.O.)
I’ve known this gal since I was 14. I always know when something is up with her. I will find out.
Peter remembers what he’s doing…
PETER
We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.
Peter starts to walk away, then turns back around.
PETER (CONTINUED)
(In pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?
MARY
I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!
They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.
PETER
Okay wise gal.
Peter hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the vehicle and as he drives away…
PETER (CONT’D)
(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!
Mary standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech behind her! Mary jumps and turns around.
ERNIE
(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Mary! Get out of the street!
MARY
Sorry, Ernie!
Mary crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly. Mary takes the letter out of her pocket and looks at it once more.
MARY
(to herself)
NORAD. Santa. Hmm.
Mary stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House as she puts the letter back in her pocket.
MARY
(to herself)
I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.
Mary trots off down the street with a renewed pep.
(Final thoughts: I really like the fact you changed up the ‘roles.’ The woman is the war hero! It avoids any possible clichés as they live in a town that is a living cliché. As I wrote in the first round of notes, I would make Ma Jenkin’s your sleeper. You have two women have faced adversity, prejudice in one form or the other: a black woman who lived through segregation and veteran woman with PTSD, who are heroes in their own right. They have conformed to the town, to its limits and at the same time, they MUST BE instrumental in the salvation of the town in some way. It is not the main story line by any means, but it can prove to be a valuable sub-plot. Just my two-cent’s worth.)
-
DAY 6 Anna Harper<div>
VERSION 3 PIRATE POST 143
What I learned from this assignment After my critique, I wrote another scene that I think answered all of the unanswered questions. The critique was an excellent tool. I also wordsmithed a little. I am not reposting the whole thing here it would be far too much data to expect anyone to read again. I am just posting the new work.
INT. GENERIC LAWYERS OFFICE/DAY
An older grey-haired distinguished man wearing a three-piece
banker’s suit is seated at an old ginormous desk. The room is
wood-paneled, there is a picture of the Queen. The gold
lettering on the door reads Victor Francis Esq. LLM QC
Professional Corp.SOPHIE
pushes the door open.
SANDY
is not far behind.
VICTOR
Stands to greet them, hobbles hanging onto a crutch. Shakes
hands.
Come on in, get comfortable. This is
not going to take long. James, God
rest him, was most thorough with
instructions and has left you an
instructional manual with great
detail.
So let’s get on with the reading of
his will, which is my privilege as
both his lawyer and his friend of many
years.
Would you like a Scotch Sandy, Sophie?
It’s almost noon.SANDY
Thanks, I’ll take one.
SOPHIE
I would just like some cold ginger ale
please, very cold.
VICTOR
I am supposed to be staying away from
this stuff, especially after the
amputation. I look like a pirate in a
suit. This brings me to the big
announcement of the day. Look under
the desk.
Sophie and Sandy peer under the desk.SOPHIE
Oh my God, it’s Pirate! I wondered
what happened to him, thought he had gone to relatives somewhere. Come here
you big beautiful lug, give me a kiss.SANDY
Watch the dog hair on my trousers,
just got them back from the cleaners
for God’s sake. Really James was
totally crazy having a dog this size.
Couldn’t imagine why James would want
one.VICTOR
He may be the size of a small horse,
but I am telling you this dog is
magic! Had a bloody awful day in court
yesterday, came back to the office
with a headache and my blood pressure
up, phantom leg pains in my amputated
leg, I felt absolutely crap. This dog
had me laughing and calm in minutes,
and all the pain went away.SOPHIE
Continues to stroke Pirate and talk to him.
VICTOR
I’m glad you love him Sophie because a
great deal of the will, if not all of
it centers around Pirate.SANDY
Oh no! What is it that James wanted
from us?VICTOR
Let me read you the will.
I, James Farquar Alison, being of
sound mind, bequeath the following to
either both or individually Sandy
Horton and Sophie Bloom the love,
custody, and care of Pirate.SANDY
Oh my God, no thanks!
SOPHIE
Shut up and listen.
VICTOR
In addition, the farm is now yours for
as long as you wish providing that
Pirate is in your care at the farm.
Pirate loves the farm it is his home.
And it’s big enough for him and close
to his favorite beach. As you know he
needs his swim daily whatever the
weather. All the details for his care
are in the manual.SANDY
I don’t want to leave my house of many
years to go and live in some oversized
farmhouse that needs work. Or take
care of his bloody livestock. Really
James what were you thinking of? I’ve
already got drool on my shoes!VICTOR
There’s more. Additionally, I am
leaving you 80,000 pounds per annum to
the person or persons who fulfill
Pirates’ needs as stipulated. Victor
has a slush fund for renovations on
the farmhouse and he has been
instructed to be generous.SOPHIE
I can’t believe that James would think
it necessary to pay for Pirate.SANDY
I don’t bloody care, I have my school
board pension and I own my own house
thank you. I’m alright just the way
things are.VICTOR
This covers the portion of the will
relative to Pirate.
There’s more.James says, “As you know
I have been passionate about my work
with homeless street youth and there
are instructions for continuing my
work, which will be your work, should
you wish to take it on, there is an
additional 80,000 pounds per year, for each of you should you wish to
undertake the work.”SANDY
No, I don’t want to take on any work.
I had enough of gobby snotty teenagers
all through my career. All I want is
peace at my age.SOPHIE
Is all the information including the
street youth project in the binder? If
so how about we take Pirate home and
give me a couple of days to go through
the binder. I want to make sure I can do the best for Pirate, the youth
project, and honour Jame’s intentions.
We will give you a call either way.
Personally, I am keen on the idea, it
sounds marvelous.SANDY
You are off your rocker Sophie! You
can forget it I will not change my
mind!</div>
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by anna harper.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by anna harper.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
Antonio Flores Ready for Critique!
//////// VERSION 3 \\\\\\\\
==============================
Thanks Dev, Cameron, Kate and Alice! — Open for critique. TIA
==============================
Feature title: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage
Synopsis: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end.
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE NEARBY ALLEY – NIGHT
A dark, grungy alley.
==============================
SUPERIMPOSE: NEW YORK, 9:00 PM
==============================
A man hides in the shadows. Takes deep breaths. Checks his surroundings.
BAHADUR, 29, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, darts through the narrow path.
He opens a small door. Coming from inside, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK bumps on him and keeps walking towards the street.
Bahadur winces. His hand covers his arm, but can’t suppress the STINGING PAIN. There’s A CUT on the sleeve of his jacket.
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.
==============================
SUPERIMPOSE: PARIS, 3:30 AM
==============================
A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about BREAKUP.
A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.
PICTURES ON THE WALL show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC, French, mid-20’s, she could have been a beauty queen, but her medals evidence her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.
An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase…
“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“
engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.
Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa’ slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…
PICTURE FRAME
She replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.
============ end of page 1==============
Parisa climbs on the treadmill. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and… BUZZ! A burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.
PARISA
Sorry, old friend. I can’t get to sleep tonight, so neither can you.
She quickly wipes off her tears. So her…
KNOWLEDGEABLE EYES
can focus on the console and push the…
UP ARROWS
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Higher… Higher… Excellence…
PICTURES ON THE WALL
echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.
The DISTANCE, SPEED digits on the control panel roll up fast. All set for high standards.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)
“Show me miles and miles.
Make me feel I’m reaching.
Say we’re going far away
while I’m here, stuck
in the same old place.”
She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.
Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.
Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry. SHRIEEEK ! ! !
It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.
Parisa builds up speed. Slows down. Non-stop, she adds Thai-boxing moves: Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.
The treadmill monster GROANS ! ! !
============ end of page 2==============
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.
ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.
==============================
SUPERIMPOSE: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM
==============================
Right in the middle of the area, men with muscled physiques wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…
OCTAGON CAGE
Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.
Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he THRUSTS Red into the cage wall with a sudden spin and kick to the plexus.
As Red bounces back, Blue DRILLS his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red STUMBLES. Moves back. The cheers get even LOUDER!
But Red strikes back. He BENDS BLUE IN HALF with a side kick and PINS him down with a loud THUD! Blue can’t get up.
Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl.
UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE
Darkness. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair.
A faint of light spills into the room through door cracks.
Bahadur sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms.
Someone insistently knocks on the door.
The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding.
Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.
============ end of page 3==============
A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.
SYLVAIN
Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—
Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur winces and covers his eyes.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go out kick butts, mon cher ami.
Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up. The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair. He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
What’s wrong, kid? Went missing for a couple of days. No calls. Are you-
Bahadur coughs, wheezes. He gently rubs the cut on his arm.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
This is not good. Not now. Mom’s hospital bills are sucking your savings. You think you could…
Bahadur nods. Starts for the door. The fighter’s mask is left on the table.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D) Wonderful! That’s my kid! Oh my— (picks the mask) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.
UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA
Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.
One of them sits on a pile of boxes.
FRED CORNER, late 40’s, talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.
FRED
Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!
============ end of page 4==============
Right in front of him, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK advances through the crowd towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.
FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)
Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!
Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred.
FRED (CONT’D)
Lemme be your investment adviser! Hey, Father! Think profits!
BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.
Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.
Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.
ARENA GATE
Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.
SYLVAIN
OK. Stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and walk with me.
CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE
Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.
Security guards shove people. They make a path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter to walk to the cage.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (through amps)
Hey-hey-hey! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… This is the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ!
Recklessness surge. Bets flow as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage.
============ end of page 5==============
CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE
Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (through amps)
And who’s gonna face our guest? I cannot find a better man than our undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR!
Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way.
CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL
Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.
SYLVAIN
You always stand a better chance against one man inside the cage, than against an angry mob that has laid their money on you. You know?
Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths. Sylvain goes to check the cage inside.
SYLVAIN’S POV
Shahnaz flexes his muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. GROWLS like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.
BACK TO SCENE:
Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around. Tries to stop Bahadur from looking at the giant inside the cage.
SYLVAIN
Second thought, uh, I guess we could take our chances with the mob. How fast can you run?
============ end of page 6==============
Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.
BAHADUR
Gotta finish this, Pops!
Security guards quickly lock up the gate.
INSIDE THE CAGE
The two fighters stand face to face.
The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.
SYLVAIN
Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!
Guards utter no sound.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?
GUARD ONE
Sir. We ain’t got no towels. A match is over when it’s over.
SYLVAIN
B-but the rules—
GUARD ONE
There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !
SYLVAN (mumbles along)
Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!
Sylvain’s expression fills with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.
INSIDE THE CAGE
Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a Parkour SIDE FLIP.
============ end of page 7==============
Before landing, his two legs DRILL into Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas. The audience ROARS as he quickly transitions into leg submission.
OPPONENT CORNER
Maroon Cloak stands outside the cage. He holds…
A DAGGER
More than half of THE BLADE has changed into BLOOD-RED COLOR.
INSIDE THE CAGE
Shahnaz GROANS in pain, but does not concede the fight.
Bahadur feels weak. He glances at the SCRATCH on his arm, then at the man in Maroon Cloak holding the DAGGER.
———————————
BAHADUR POV
Maroon Cloak’s hoodie partially covers his face. He sneers and then, in silence, his lips pronounce a word: POISON
BACK TO THE CAGE
———————————
Bahadur presses harder on Shahnaz leg, but his strength fades away.
As the transformation of the DAGGER BLADE advances, Bahadur gets weaker. Softens. Can’t go on. His arms free Shahnaz leg. Then, finally, VANISHES.
Now the BLADE shines BLOOD-RED COLOR from hilt to tip.
CROWD AREA
The audience whistles at the second upset of the night. A big brawl erupts. Security, paramedics swarm into the place.
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.
Cellphone vibrates. LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.
============ end of page 8==============
———————————
ON PARISA’S CELLPHONE SCREEN
Sylvain’s text preview: “I’m sorry. He’s gone. They took him”.
BACK TO PARISA
———————————
WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.
=========================
A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE
=========================
— PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS
— Parisa runs upstairs.
PARISA (V.O.)
How long ago?
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. Never got to the hospital.
— PARISA’S BEDROOM
— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.
— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.
— Frantically searches for something.
PARISA (V.O.)
A-and you? Are you okay, Pops?
— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.
— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, yah. I’m just curious ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)
YOU. KNEW. THIS. YOU. KNEW. IT.
============ end of page 9==============
PARISA (V.O.)
Don’t know. Is kind of… like some, uh, voices, uh, I… just forget it… I MUST find him, Pops! Help me! Please, help me!
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
You know you can count with me.
PARISA (V.O.)
Merci, merci! Uh, is mom…
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. Don’t worry. I’ll think up something.
— Parisa opens the box. Pulls a Middle East style PENDANT
— She unlatches it. It opens like a pocket watch. GLOWS.
— She looks inside the pendant.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)
Break up… Gotta break up or she will die… THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.
— Her eyes widen. She fastens the pendant in a blink.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (CONT’D) (through cellphone)
Hello? Hello? Are you still there?
PARISA (V.O.)
Oui, oui. Listen, I gotta go. I’ll call you when I land in New York.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, oui. Be careful, will you? Those bastards—
— PARISA’S HOME ENTRANCE – DUSK
— She leaves the house with a carelessly strapped backpack on her shoulder.
PARISA (V.O.)
I know, I know. Take care, Pops.
END OF MONTAGE
============ end of page 10==============
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
Nice work, Antonio! This really works!
Best!
Dev
-
Hi Antonio,
Do we still have a day left to do this?
I could use another critique if you want to exchange.
Let me know and I’ll upload my Version 2.
Thanks,
Michael
-
Sure! We can “make one more day,” Michael!
I am up for it while putting together the first draft for next module.
-
Hi Antonio,
Great, thank you)
I’m posting mine here so easier to find.
Will do yours tonight.
Michael Katz Version 2
MEGALOMANIAC
PREMISE — The complete story of a James Bond type villain.
HOOK — Entirely from the villain’s POV.
TWIST — The villain is the hero…the spy the villain.
EXT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – BACKYARD OF A HOUSE – DAY
A boy’s fingers hold a pair of coke-bottle eyeglasses, it’s lens magnifying a splinter stuck deep into a cat’s paw. The cat hisses in pain.
WALDO (O.S.)
Ouchie, Mr. Pudding Cat. Crazy, one little prick…stops the world.
The magnified eye of adorable 10-year-old WALDO KATZ takes up half his face.
WALDO (CONT’D)
But I can help!
Kneeling, Waldo gently pulls the splinter out with tweezers.
WALDO (CONT’D)
I wrote you a prescription: look before you leap.
The relieved cat licks his paw, then springs into a bush.
Waldo notices a tiny plume of smoke rising before his eyes. He looks down and sees a lens converting sunlight into a concentrated sunbeam that’s burning a dried, withered leaf.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Whoa!
Waldo repositions, laying stomach down on the ground.
Playing with the angle and distance of the lens to the leaf, he uses solar ignition to generate a tiny flame.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Cool!
An ant meanders into the sunbeam and fries to death.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Oh, god, no! Poor little ant!
Waldo weeps, guilt ridden.
EXT. SPACE
The familiar view of Earth.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
We’re headed towards armageddon. It’s inevitable.
END OF PAGE 1
INT. COAL MINE
Dirty men mine coal.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
Depletion of Earth’s natural resources.
EXT. OIL FIELD – DAY
Dirty men attend to a spouting oil well.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
Environmental disasters.
EXT. ICE SHELF – DAY
A giant slice collapses, causing a mini tidal wave that speeds toward a family of polar bears on sea ice.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
Global warming.
EXT. BEACH – DAY
A beautiful Swedish bombshell sunbathes in a sexy bikini. She opens her eyes. She is the Female Narrator.
BOMBSHELL
What if there was a way to produce clean energy, cheaply and sustainably, without harming the planet?
The bombshell looks up at the sun and basks in the sunlight.
EXT. SPACE
The familiar view of the Sun.
The silhouette of a long, vertical space station flies across the sun like E.T. across the moon.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
Katz Space Solar.
Sunlight reveals that the middle of the space station in made up of a column of 10 humongous magnifying lenses.
INT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – PILOT PLANT – BACKROOM – MORNING
We continue watching the computer simulation on a TV monitor on a desk in a dim room.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
Harnessing the sun will free the world from fossil fuels.
A fleet of thousands of mirrors in space reflect the sun into a receiver at the top of the space station.
A beam of light grows brighter and thicker as it travels down through each of the successive magnifying lenses.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
All the energy the world will ever need.
Mr. Ratliff, an American businessman, sits watching the video.
A monstrous and continuous beam shoots out from the bottom of the space station to Earth and is absorbed by a giant Tesla coil attached to a skyscraper peeking through the clouds.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
Clean. Safe. Sustainable.
Under the clouds an utopian nighttime cityscape lights up spectacularly. The title “KATZ SPACE SOLAR” ends the video.
BOMBSHELL (V.O.)
Katz Space Solar.
Ratliff excitedly jumps off his chair and flicks on the light switch, revealing his bright smile.
RATLIFF
(Southern accent)
And god said, “Let there be light!” Waldo, I love it!
Now a serious scientist and handsome adult, 40-year-old WALDO KATZ, wearing the obligatory scientist’s white lab coat, grins proudly at Ratliff.
RATLIFF (CONT’D)
(playfully, with hands around his mouth)
Magnifying lenses in spaaaaace.
WALDO
Mr. Ratliff, with your investment, you would enable us to start building…
RATLIFF
I want the whole thing, Waldo, and I’m not taking no for an answer.
WALDO
We’re only selling a minority stake.
RATLIFF
Man, wow! That was Imelyna Michaels sunbathing! Hot damn! Terrific actress, of course, too. How’d you land her?
WALDO
Apparently she’s a big environmentalist. My partner made the connection. I am looking forward to meeting her. She’ll be at the demonstration.
RATLIFF
Waldo, let me say, thank you for this first look exclusive. Forget your other prospective investors. Don’t do the public demonstration. Listen, I will meet your asking price for the twenty percent, times five for the full one hundred percent. And then I’ll triple things to close the deal. What do you say?
Ratliff approaches Waldo with an outstretched hand to shake on the deal. Waldo avoids shaking by grabbing the TV remote off a “Great Green America Company” brochure on the table and clicking the TV monitor off.
RATLIFF (CONT’D)
Maybe we should get your partner in here? Anmuth?
WALDO
Anmuth and I would be very pleased, Mr. Ratliff, to have your investment support, but neither of us are selling more than 10% equity.
RATLIFF
With Great Green America Company’s experience and knowhow, your technology will soon become a reality!
WALDO
With your investment, it will soon become a reality.
RATLIFF
You’re a tiny bunch of first timers in a tiny facility in a tiny country. Let the big boys with the infrastructure, experience, and deep pockets ensure this project gets to where it needs to be.
WALDO
This is my life’s work, and I feel morally obligated to see this project through.
RATLIFF
How ‘bout we keep you on to run things. We’ll even keep your name! You can trust me, Waldo Katz. Take the billion dollars!
WALDO
I wouldn’t even know what to do with $10,000.
RATLIFF
Go shopping, my friend! You’ve earned it. Buy a house. Eat a fancy dinner. Travel the world! Look at you, Waldo. You’re about to meet world-famous hottie Imelyna Michaels! Buy some god damn new shoes for crying out loud! You’re 40. Unmarried. Yes, we do our due diligence. You need to get out. Live a little, Waldo. Live for today!
WALDO
As impressive as Great Green America Company sounds, you may not be a good fit for us.
RATLIFF
Five times?
INT. PILOT PLANT LABORATORY – MOMENTS LATER
Scientific equipment and computer terminals line the walls.
Fifty people mingle in a horseshoe around something extremely large in the middle of the room hidden underneath a tarp.
The room’s buzz hushes when Waldo walks in.
Waldo joins his partner, ANMUTH, who wears a similar white lab coat, at the control panel. They do various things with knobs, buttons, and levers.
ANMUTH
(whispers)
How’d it go? Do we have our first investor? Did he like the video?
WALDO
He certainly liked Imelyna Michaels.
ANMUTH
I bet you did, too, Waldo! I’ll introduce you. She’s just over there.
Anmuth points out Imelyna, who is livestreaming on her phone. Waldo stops Anmuth before he sets out.
WALDO
Mr. Ratliff wanted to buy us out. Completely. He’d have kept us on if we wanted.
ANMUTH
But then he’d have total control, no? And we agreed not to risk that.
WALDO
Too many innovations shelved in favor of bottom lines.
ANMUTH
People are greedy, except you apparently, Waldo. How much did we just pass up?
WALDO
Do I really have to tell you? You could have traveled the world, dining at only Michelin Star rated restaurants for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…for the rest of your life. I can’t believe I just turned down him down.
ANMUTH
Frankly, Waldo, I’d be in disbelief if you had accepted it. Don’t worry. We’ve got a room full of other potentials, though maybe not as large and impressive. Let’s get this demonstration going and stick to the plan. Investors to help get this thing built and adopted. Then we’ll sell it.
WALDO
Thanks, Anmuth. You’re a great partner…and friend. (looks at watch) It’s time.
ANMUTH
Does Vienna even have any Michelin restaurants?
WALDO
Absolutely. Probably, right?
Anmuth steps forward to address the room.
ANMUTH
Hello investors, activists, and sun worshippers, thank you for coming to see us in Vienna. We are extremely excited to have you here today to witness the beginnings of the final energy solution. My name is Dr. Douglas Anmuth. I am Dr. Waldo Katz’ partner in crime. I have probably spoken to most of you on the phone. Behold!
Anmuth pulls a rope and the tarp lifts away revealing a prototype of the vertical space station seen in the video.
Guests gasp, ooh and aah.
Waldo moves into the crowd and pretends he’s a guest.
WALDO
(playfully)
How does it work, Anmuth?
ANMUTH
(gesturing)
Sun goes in there. More powerful energy comes out there. Oh yeah, with 10 magnifying lenses in between.
Anmuth grins as he sees Waldo notice that he’s standing next to Swedish bombshell Imelyna Michaels.
ANMUTH (CONT’D)
This is all happening because I happened to be freshman roommates with this particular nerd at university. He was deeply concerned about the consequences of global warming. A bright young man of conscience. And a one of a kind visionary.
As Anmuth continues speaking, Imelyna notices Waldo checking her out.
IMELYNA
(whispering)
Oh my god! I am such an admirer of your work! Thank you for inviting me.
WALDO
(whispering)
I’m a big fan of your work, too. You were terrific in Vampires Are People Too. And thank you, of course, for helping us with our little movie.
IMELYNA
You are quite welcome. Guess what? I’ve just signed on to do the sequel, Vampires Are People Two.
WALDO
(loudly)
But how?
Anmuth glances at an apologetic Waldo before continuing.
WALDO (CONT’D)
(whispering)
You died. Twice. The sun burned you to ash. How could you…wait, I don’t want to know.
IMELYNA
I’m actually not sure myself. The script’s not written yet. But with your knowledge of the sun, maybe you can concoct the loophole.
WALDO
Can I be an extra? One of your victims?
IMELYNA
It would be my pleasure to suck your blood.
Anmuth glances at them amused before continuing.
IMELYNA (CONT’D)
I know you agreed to me livestreaming, but can I also get an interview afterwards while I’m here? Maybe over dinner?
WALDO
Uh, sure, yes. You can have the exclusive. Michelin Star?
IMELYNA
(laughs)
Of course! You are very considerate, Waldo.
(loudly)
I can’t believe you’re gonna end global warming!
Anmuth smiles and raises his voice.
ANMUTH
…and he promised me he was going to lasso the sun. I looked into his eyes, and I believed him. And now his vision takes the next step towards becoming a reality. Dr. Waldo Katz saves the world. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Waldo Katz.
Enthusiastic applause erupts as Waldo steps forward humbly.
WALDO
I never did understand why anyone would choose to lasso the moon when the sun was right up there too. I mean…I can’t even see the man on the moon! And when I think I see him, he doesn’t look very happy. But the sun! Well…Oh the simplicity of her complexity. Smart, powerful, radiant. Just one truly beautiful star.
Waldo darts a glance at a receptive Imelyna. Both Imelyna and Anmuth smile, separately recognizing that Waldo is speaking about Imelyna.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Spectral class G2. Luminosity class V. How many watts per square meter every second to the Earth? Anmuth?
ANMUTH
1,300 watts.
WALDO
Multiply that by the area of the Earth and number of seconds in a year. Anmuth?
ANMUTH
Carry the 1…150 quadrillion watts.
WALDO
And how much energy does the planet consume in a year?
ANMUTH
Do you want it in light bulbs? Or nuclear explosions?
WALDO
Terajoules.
ANMUTH
The annual global energy consumption is 580 million terajoules.
WALDO
Will our space solar solution be able to harness enough energy from the sun to satisfy all of the Earth’s needs?
ANMUTH
Yes. The entire planet, plus eleven more Earths…if they existed.
WALDO
Clean? Safe? Sustainable?
ANMUTH
Yes. Yes. Yes.
WALDO
Why let the man moon you…when the sun wants to give you a KISS.
Waldo wants to look at Imelyna, but chickens out.
ANMUTH
Katz Space Solar!
The crowd enthusiastically applauds.
Waldo notices Ratliff standing too close to the battery receptacle below the space station.
WALDO
Anmuth, pass out the sunglasses.
ANMUTH
(announcing)
Everyone needs protective eyewear.
Waldo moves quickly towards Ratliff as Anmuth hands out tinted safety goggles to Imelyna and the rest of the guests.
OVER BY THE PROTOTYPE
Waldo aggressively steps in front of Ratliff, protecting his machine.
WALDO
Still here, Mr. Ratliff?
RATLIFF
See the light yet, Waldo? For your sake. Just give in. You’ve done your part. Do what’s best for the world. Ten times. Final offer. Take the money, Waldo.
WALDO
I did just confirm with Anmuth that we’re only selling a minority…
RATLIFF
Okay, okay. You’ve worn me down, Waldo. We’ll take just the minority share.
WALDO
However, we’re no longer interested in partnering with you.
RATLIFF
For a man of conscience, you sure are shortsighted. It doesn’t have to go down like this.
WALDO
Please leave, Mr. Ratliff.
Waldo ushers Ratliff away from the machine and takes out a pair of sunglasses from his jacket.
RATLIFF
Can I at least stay for the fireworks? I’m still a fan, Waldo. I just want to see this thing in action before I have to go back to my group and tell them I ruined it.
WALDO
If you stop with the offers. I’m not in the least tempted. You’ll need protective eyewear. We don’t want you getting solar retinopathy.
Waldo points at Anmuth who is handing out eyewear, but Ratliff takes out a pair of sunglasses from his jacket.
RATLIFF
I happen to already have a pair. Hey, what do you know, mine are the same as yours.
Waldo looks at Ratliff curiously, gestures him towards the group, and walks to the control display.
Waldo turns on the machine, which hums powerfully, and the eager crowd hushes.
ANMUTH
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a celebrity in the house! Ms. Imelyna Michaels, would you please join us.
The crowd applauds as Imelyna joins them while livestreaming.
IMELYNA
(whispering to the phone)
That’s him! That’s Dr. Waldo Katz!
Waldo embarrassedly puts on his sunglasses.
ANMUTH
Our future’s so bright, I got to wear shades. Everybody, please put on your protective eyewear.
Everybody puts on their sunglasses. Anmuth gestures a thumbs up to Imelyna, who continues to livestream.
IMELYNA
All the energy the world will ever need.
Imelyna presses a button on the console.
From the top of the space station, a beam of light passes downwards through the magnifying lenses, producing an ever increasingly powerful column of energy.
However, when the beam shoots into the battery receptacle, it reflects into thousands of continuous heat rays, rotating like a disco mirror ball in a circular motion around the room, burning swaths into all the walls and ceiling.
The crowd screams and panics, scattering and diving to the ground.
Waldo instinctively protects Imelyna by bringing her to the ground just in time as a heat ray barely misses her.
However, Waldo’s sunglasses fly off his face, his eyes no longer protected from the intense lights as he looks around.
Anmuth shuts off the machine just before the final reflected heat ray burns him directly in the face.
Waldo watches Anmuth crumble to the ground dead.
As loud chaos and crying fills the room, Waldo notices the actual sun’s sunlight shining through the burned through paths on the ceiling.
From Waldo’s POV he sees sun rays illuminating swirling smoke and dust. But then his vision goes black. Waldo shakes.
Imelyna rushes to help an uneasy but rising Waldo to his feet.
She sees his eyes, pulls off her eyewear, and stands in front of him to see the damage.
IMELYNA (CONT’D)
You’re hurt.
WALDO
I hear you in front of me, but I cannot see you.
Out of the corner of his eye Waldo sees Anmuth on the ground, and he uses Imelyna’s guidance to head towards him.
Waldo kneels next to his dead and unrecognizable friend.
Imelyna is about to say something to Waldo when he stands, but watches him as he turns his head slightly to the side to see what’s in front of him.
Waldo heads to the battery receptacle where Ratliff was standing.
NOTE: Waldo now has solar retinopathy, which is burned out retinas from looking at the bright beams. He has the opposite of tunnel vision, meaning he can see everything peripherally, just not directly in front of him. FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE WALDO’S SIGNATURE GESTURE WILL BE TO ALWAYS HAVE HIS HEAD TURNED SLIGHTLY TO ONE SIDE OR THE OTHER.
OVER BY THE PROTOTYPE
Waldo leans over the paneling into the battery receptacle, head slightly turned to see a 4” mini disco mirror ball inside the charred remains of the smoldering battery chamber.
Waldo grabs the mirror ball and holds it in his palm.
IMELYNA
Who would put that in there?
Out of the corner of his eye, Waldo glimpses Ratliff slide out the back door.
EXT. PILOT PLANT ALLEY – MOMENTS LATER
Waldo bursts out of the backdoor exit and sees Ratliff walking away nonchalantly.
WALDO
Hey! Ratliff!
Waldo catches up and cuts him off.
WALDO (CONT’D)
You killed Anmuth!
Ratliff sees Waldo’s injured eyes and winces.
RATLIFF
The world will think you did.
WALDO
I have proof!
Waldo takes the mini disco ball out of his jacket pocket and holds it up.
WALDO (CONT’D)
Sabotage? Really? Because I wouldn’t sell out to you?
Ratliff stares blankly. He begins to walk away.
WALDO (CONT’D)
No! You’re going to jail!
Waldo puts the mini disco ball back into his jacket, and grabs Ratliff’s arm to prevent him from leaving.
Ratliff squeezes one of his cufflinks, which electrifies his jacket, causing Waldo to release his grip in pain.
Ratliff karate chops Waldo’s throat, hip tosses him to the ground, controls him with a wrist manipulation, and pins his neck under his knee.
RATLIFF
To the victor…belong the spoils.
Ratliff takes the mini disco ball out from Waldo’s jacket pocket and puts it into his own.
WALDO
What is wrong with you?
Waldo struggles to get up, but Ratliff applies painful pressure to Waldo’s wrist and subdues him.
RATLIFF
Don’t be a hero, Waldo. You can’t win.
WALDO
Why are you…
RATLIFF
Stop pursuing space solar.
WALDO
Stop my life’s work? Oh. (pause) You really just want to bury the technology. Big oil? Coal?
Ratliff draws his gun and points it at Waldo. Waldo doesn’t see it, so Ratliff puts the gun at an angle so Waldo sees it.
Waldo is instantly unnerved at seeing the gun, made worse seeing Ratliff’s finger squeeze slightly on the trigger.
RATLIFF
Reconsider a different life’s work, Waldo…or I will kill you.
Ratliff notices Waldo’s pants darkening from urine, and bloody tears welling up in his terrified, injured eyes.
In one motion, Ratliff holsters his gun, stands, and hoists a confused and shaken Waldo to his feet.
Ratliff takes out his sunglasses and puts them on Waldo.
RATLIFF (CONT’D)
Your technology will never see the light of day. Isn’t that right, Waldo?
WALDO
(stupefied)
Uh. Right. Yes, sir. Thank you, Mr. Ratliff.
Waldo watches Ratliff walk away without a care in the world.
-
Critique for Michael
1. Line by line on the first page.
001 SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – BACKYARD OF A HOUSE – DAY
002 ACTION: A boy’s fingers hold a pair of coke-bottle eyeglasses, it’s lens magnifying a splinter stuck deep into a cat’s paw. The cat hisses in pain.
COMMENT: perhaps “…its lens magnifying…” no “it’s”
SUGGESTION: An early introduction of adorable Waldo may add some clarity.
COMMENT: Nonetheless, good use of action to introduce, reveal character traits.
003 DIALOGUE: WALDO (O.S.)
Ouchie, Mr. Pudding Cat. Crazy, one little prick…stops the world.
COMMENT: Good use of dialogue to introduce, reveal character traits.
004 ACTION: The magnified eye of adorable 10-year-old WALDO KATZ takes up half his face.
005 DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)
But I can help!
006 ACTION: Kneeling,
COMMENT: Good use of dialogue, action to introduce, reveal character traits.
006 ACTION: Waldo gently pulls the splinter out with tweezers.
007 DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)
I wrote you a prescription: look before you leap.
COMMENT: Do we need more action from Waldo? Does he pat the kitten or wink at him?
008 ACTION: The relieved cat licks his paw, then springs into a bush.
009 ACTION: Waldo notices a tiny plume of smoke rising before his eyes. He looks down and sees a lens converting sunlight into a concentrated sunbeam that’s burning a dried, withered leaf.
COMMENT: Was that his own magnifying glass?
010 DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)
Whoa!
011 ACTION: Waldo repositions, laying stomach down on the ground.
012 ACTION: Playing with the angle and distance of the lens to the leaf, he uses solar ignition to generate a tiny flame.
013 DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)
Cool!
014 ACTION: An ant meanders into the sunbeam and fries to death.
015: DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)
Oh, god, no! Poor little ant!
COMMENT: I already like Waldo!
016: ACTION: Waldo weeps, guilt ridden.
017: SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. SPACE
018: ACTION: The familiar view of Earth.
019 DIALOGUE: FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
We’re headed towards armageddon. It’s inevitable.
COMMENT: Should “armageddon” be capitalized?
2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.
The opening scene consists on the introduction of the protagonist and how his life project started out of a magnifying glass producing solar ignition. The opening scene uses strategies like anticipatory dialogue, as well as action and dialogue to reveal character.
The opening scene, fits into “setup/twist” with a touch of “trick opening,” as from the synopsis, we know that the good guy will eventually reveal as the real bad guy and the bad guy as the good guy.
Does the introduction of Waldo need something more than the fact that he is an adorable boy? Would a voiceover help?
NARRATOR (V.O.)
It is ironic that in his first 10 years of life no one had noticed the genius of Waldo, including his good heart and interest to help humanity. Waldo could have been named successor of Newton or Einstein, the world savior, or perhaps… ‘something’ else!
The twist consists on Ratliff, the potential investor who switches sides and threatens Waldo to death unless he abandons clean, sustainable energy research.
3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.
The inciting incident consists on the sabotage of Waldo’s demo, which kills his partner and leaves Waldo’s eyes damaged for life. This opening leaves us with questions that make us want to read further:
Will Waldo abandon his lifetime project? What will happen with his research? Will Ratliff steal Waldo’s technology? Will the bombshell lose interest on Waldo? Will Ratliff steal the bombshell by offering to finance her next movie, too?
There are some unclear details, like: Who financed Waldo and partner building the space station with the 10 magnifying lenses? Is it that from the very start, Waldo and partner are too greedy (they only want to sell 10%) and want the big profits for themselves?
4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages. We won’t be critiquing page 2 – 10 line by line.
— In the dialogue:
BOMBSHELL
What if there was a way to produce clean energy, cheaply and sustainably, without harming the planet?
Unless the intent was to rhyme “sustainably” with “cheaply” (which sounds wacky-wacky funny-suitable and I like it), you may probably consider: What if there was a cheap and sustainable way to produce clean energy without harming the planet?
— Perhaps spell MR. RATLIFF all in capitals in: Mr. Ratliff, an American businessman, sits watching the video. This is the first time the character appears.
— The big chunk of dialogue where Ratliff makes his offer, perhaps could turn into a fun action-reaction sequence with Waldo showing fear, surprise, denial, etc. after each idea proposed by the investor, and finally, Waldo ending up overwhelmed.
— Delete one “down” in: I can’t believe I just turned down him down.
— This phrase is not very clear, you may consider to delete it: Investors to help get this thing built and adopted. Then we’ll sell it.
— The eye damage section was a bit confusing, but perhaps the dialogue where WALDO says: I hear you in front of me, but I cannot see you; followed by the line about being able to see Anmuth out of the corner of his eye, gives an opportunity to explain what kind of eye damage he suffers now, as if he was explaining this to the bombshell.
WALDO
I hear you in front of me, but I cannot see you
BOMBSHELL
B-but you can see Anmuth out of the corner of your eye!
WALDO
Exactly. I am afraid my eyes have been damaged. This is called…
Hope this helps, Michael!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
-
-
-
Hi Antonio,
I love your concept, and for a first draft you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Rereading my notes, though, they may come across a little too direct but please don’t take that in a negative way. It’s just unfiltered stream of consciousness, and food for thought for your second draft.
Antonio Flores Ready for Critique!
//////// VERSION 3 \\\\\\\\
OVERALL: — so I am left confused, by page 10 I don’t understand the world, the evil plan, what’s going on, the stakes, the goal other than she wants him back, the players, the rules, the reader will become impatient if you don’t clearly explain what’s going on, this is a MMA movie so there’s no need to be overly clever with the plot, just give us the evil plan, other than her working out, you need a scene that establishes your main character’s normal life and the personal problem she is having, hope I didn’t misunderstand Vanishes, but I hope he did vanish from the cage. If so, then cool! And it sets up the new world that she’s going to go to. I don’t think the first 2 scenes are appropriate for your opening. This is a MMA world movie and you must open with a MMA match. I pitched you something below that I believe you already have that works better for the opening.
Feature title: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage — off the bat I wonder about using “girl”, what about something with a little more jazz like Don’t Try To Rattle Her Cage/Don’t Rattle Her Cage – that’s a juicy winner
Synopsis: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end. — faithful is understood as she is his girlfriend, you would only say unfaithful if that were the issue, here the adjective should be the thing about her that needs to change
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE NEARBY ALLEY – NIGHT — this doesn’t read clearly, are you in an alley, is this where the cage is, why nearby?, maybe it’s just DARK ALLEY, we get it
A dark, grungy alley. — you just said above it was an alley so shouldn’t repeat word, say it another way or describe what’s in it or delete
==============================
SUPERIMPOSE: NEW YORK, 9:00 PM — not 3am?
==============================
BAHADUR, 29, an underground, up and coming MMA fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, hides in the shadows.
In the octogon or in desert streets of Afghanistan, this 250lbs [noun] of hardened steel is afraid of nothing.
But, here, now, he crouches fearfully, back pressed against the cold, slimy brick wall, trying to catch his breath.
Amp up the introductory character description and intensify his emotion
He looks left and right — the coast is clear/empty. He darts through the narrow path.
A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK suddenly exits a small door and accidentally bumps him to ground and keeps walking.
On his back, Bahadur winces at the STINGING PAIN. He looks at the sleeve of his jacket and sees A BLEEDING CUT.
IF YOU STOP HERE, IT LOOKS TO ME INCOMPLETE, SINCE YOU HAVEN’T Introduced any real threat, USUALLY AS SOON AS SOMEONE LETS THEIR GUARD DOWN THE THREAT POUNCES or at least we see the victim’s face with a reaction to the oncoming threat, at the end of the scene there has to be something intriguing and original, especially on page 1
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT — IMPRESSIVE/MAKESHIFT HOME GYM (don’t need her name)
Don’t you want to start with Parisa already in the middle of an impressive work out?
Give us her character description
Then when she finishes…she adds sticky tape
But even so…bottom of page 1 needs something captivating/inventive so we turn the page
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.
==============================
SUPERIMPOSE: PARIS, 3:30 AM — 5am workout makes her fierce and disciplined (if you want that)
==============================
A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about BREAKUP.
A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.
PICTURES ON THE WALL show clippings of PARISA NEDELLEC, French, mid-20’s, she could have been a a former beauty queen and trophied cheerleader. – go extreme
An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase…
“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“
engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.
Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa’ slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…
PICTURE FRAME
She replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays. — so this is sweet but doesn’t do what you need to accomplish on page 1
============ end of page 1==============
Parisa climbs on the treadmill. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and… BUZZ! A burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.
PARISA
Sorry, old friend. I can’t get to sleep tonight, so neither can you. — I need you to try to keep up. – interesting dialogue
She quickly wipes off her tears with her calloused fingers. So her…
KNOWLEDGEABLE EYES — what does this mean? delete
can focus on the console and push the…
UP ARROWS
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Higher… Higher… Excellence…
PICTURES ON THE WALL
echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.
The DISTANCE, SPEED digits on the control panel roll up fast. All set for high standards.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)
“Show me miles and miles.
Make me feel I’m reaching.
Say we’re going far away
while I’m here, stuck
in the same old place.”
She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.
Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.
Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry. SHRIEEEK ! ! !
It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG. — better for the book, delete, just action and dialogue
Parisa builds up speed. Slows down. Non-stop, she adds Thai-boxing moves: Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.
The treadmill monster GROANS ! ! ! — imo this is a lot a page dedicated to the workout, while an emotional woman exercising is fine, there is nothing happening plot wise for over a page, so the reader’s patience will be tested
============ end of page 2==============
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT — is underground cage a place? or don’t they move the cages to different locations on different nights? the locations are just the places, WAREHOUSE/PARKING LOT/TUNNEL/UNDER A BRIDGE etc. then in the description briefly say how things are laid out, too many details are unimportant, the reader will get it
An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.
ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.
==============================
SUPERIMPOSE: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM
==============================
Right in the middle of the area, men with muscled physiques Giant men wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…
OCTAGON CAGE
Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.
Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he THRUSTS Red into the cage wall with a sudden spin and kick to the plexus.
As Red bounces back, Blue DRILLS his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red STUMBLES. Moves back. The cheers get even LOUDER!
But Red strikes back. He BENDS BLUE IN HALF with a side kick and PINS him down with a loud THUD! Blue can’t get up.
Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl. — it’s unclear, did red cheat? are you trying to make the distinction that underground has no rules? I’m not following your intention
UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE
Darkness. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair.
A faint of light spills into the room through door cracks. — so this is an action movie, “faint of light” feels off, a single bare lightbulb or a flickering fluorescent fixture
Bahadur sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms. — what’s he wearing? shirtless with tights? can we see his cut bandaged? or stitched? or healed? or scarred? – gives us a sense of time in captivity, OK I realize you are going for mood and my questions are answered below, but suggest you just get to the action with less focus on setting the mood in each scene, one line to atmosphere, then get to it
Someone insistently knocks on the door.
The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding. — he’s allowed to lock the door???
Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.
============ end of page 3==============
A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.
SYLVAIN
Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—
Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur winces and covers his eyes.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go out kick butts, mon cher ami.
Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up. The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair. He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
What’s wrong, kid? Went missing for a couple of days. No calls. Are you- — TWIST!!! but confusing
Bahadur coughs, wheezes. He gently rubs the cut on his arm.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
This is not good. Not now. Mom’s hospital bills are sucking your savings. You think you could…
Bahadur nods. Starts for the door. The fighter’s mask is left on the table.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D) Wonderful! That’s my kid! Oh my— (picks UP the mask) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.
UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA
Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.
One of them, FRED CORNER, late 40’s, sits on a box, fast talking a group, holding court. Buy this a guy a drink and you’ll learn about the latest CIA conspiracy theory that’s probably 90% accurate. talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.
FRED
Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!
============ end of page 4==============
A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK passes by Fred towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.
FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)
Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!
Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred. — 1 clean sentence like He ignores him and continues walking.
FRED (CONT’D)
Lemme be your investment adviser! Hey, Father! Think profits! — delete, redundant
BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.
Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.
Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.
ARENA GATE
Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.
SYLVAIN
OK. Stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and walk with me. — is this the first time they’ve done this? if not, need interesting dialogue
CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE
Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.
Security guards shove people. They make a path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter to walk to the cage.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (through amps)
Hey-hey-hey! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… This is the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ! — are they not in the US? remind us we’re in NY?
Recklessness surge. Bets flow as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage. — Recklessness surge – what does that mean? delete
============ end of page 5==============
CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE
Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (through amps)
And who’s gonna face our guest? I cannot find a better man than our undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR! — it’s confusing what makes it underground, and is he a star?
Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way. — and why is he so out of it?
CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL
Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.
SYLVAIN
You always stand a better chance against one man inside the cage, than against an angry mob that has laid their money on you. You know? — a good thought to say after a match, there’s no angry mob now
Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths. Sylvain goes to check the cage inside.
SYLVAIN’S POV
Shahnaz flexes his muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. GROWLS like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.
BACK TO SCENE:
Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around. Tries to stop Bahadur from looking at the giant inside the cage.
SYLVAIN
Second thought, uh, I guess we could take our chances with the mob. How fast can you run? — what was sylvain expecting? he obviously knows the ropes, knows where he is, knows the risks, it’s a strange response since he needs the money, what other choices could you make for him?
============ end of page 6==============
Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.
BAHADUR
Gotta finish this, Pops!
Security guards quickly lock up the gate.
INSIDE THE CAGE
The two fighters stand face to face.
The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.
SYLVAIN
Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!
Guards utter no sound.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?
GUARD ONE
Sir. We ain’t got no towels. A match is over when it’s over.
SYLVAIN
B-but the rules—
GUARD ONE
There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !
SYLVAN (mumbles along)
Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!
Sylvain’s expression fills with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.
INSIDE THE CAGE
Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a Parkour SIDE FLIP.
============ end of page 7==============
Before landing, his two legs DRILL into Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas. The audience ROARS as he quickly transitions into leg submission.
OPPONENT CORNER
Maroon Cloak stands outside the cage. He holds…
A DAGGER
More than half of THE BLADE has changed into BLOOD-RED COLOR.
INSIDE THE CAGE
Shahnaz GROANS in pain, but does not concede the fight.
Bahadur feels weak. He glances at the SCRATCH on his arm, then at the man in Maroon Cloak holding the DAGGER.
———————————
BAHADUR POV
Maroon Cloak’s hoodie partially covers his face. He sneers and then, in silence, his lips pronounce a word: POISON
BACK TO THE CAGE
———————————
Bahadur presses harder on Shahnaz leg, but his strength fades away.
As the transformation of the DAGGER BLADE advances, Bahadur gets weaker. Softens. Can’t go on. His arms free Shahnaz leg. Then, finally, VANISHES. — not written clearly, did Bahadur vanish from the cage? he vanishes?
Now the BLADE shines BLOOD-RED COLOR from hilt to tip. — move this line up 1
CROWD AREA
The audience whistles at the second upset of the night. A big brawl erupts. Security, paramedics swarm into the place.
OK, here’s the pitch: lose the first 2 scenes, the scene above is the opening of the film, this is a MMA film with no MMA scene in the beginning to establish the subject matter and the world we are in, an alley abduction and a workout scene are cliche and will not cause a reader to become interested, however…starting with a MMA match where one of the fighters disappears because of mysticism — well that’s new!, the cut occurs as Bahadur is walking with Sylvain toward the ring and Maroon jabs him as he’s walking by, you can’t have an abduction on page 1 and second abduction here, no logic to it, also there has to be logic as to why maroon does this during a match, and he should place a wager with Fred that Shahnaz would be the last man standing in the ring, so the rule to win a match which should be announced by the ring announcer is that the last man standing in the ring is the winner, as well as you lose if you leave the ring which of course disappearing qualifies, have the ring announcer proclaim the winner, the crowd goes stunned silent when he vanishes, then apoplectic, Sylvain hides under the stage, have Maroon collect his winnings, and now you have an action packed intriguing film opening! where did he go? why did Maroon abduct him, what’s his girlfriend going to do? and how?
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.
Cellphone vibrates. LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.
============ end of page 8==============
———————————
ON PARISA’S CELLPHONE SCREEN
Sylvain’s text preview: “I’m sorry. He’s gone. They took him”.
BACK TO PARISA
———————————
WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.
=========================
A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE
=========================
— PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS
— Parisa runs upstairs.
PARISA (V.O.)
How long ago?
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. Never got to the hospital. — that’s kind of not giving the full situation, how does she understand from that the situation?
— PARISA’S BEDROOM
— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.
— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.
— Frantically searches for something.
PARISA (V.O.)
A-and you? Are you okay, Pops?
— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.
— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, yah. I’m just curious ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)
YOU. KNEW. THIS. YOU. KNEW. IT.
============ end of page 9==============
PARISA (V.O.)
Don’t know. Is kind of… like some, uh, voices, uh, I… just forget it… I MUST find him, Pops! Help me! Please, help me!
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
You know you can count with me.
PARISA (V.O.)
Merci, merci! Uh, is mom…
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. Don’t worry. I’ll think up something.
— Parisa opens the box. Pulls a Middle East style PENDANT
— She unlatches it. It opens like a pocket watch. GLOWS.
— She looks inside the pendant.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)
Break up… Gotta break up or she will die… THEY. WILL. KILL. HER. — who her? a little too cryptic
— Her eyes widen. She fastens the pendant in a blink.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (CONT’D) (through cellphone)
Hello? Hello? Are you still there?
PARISA (V.O.)
Oui, oui. Listen, I gotta go. I’ll call you when I land in New York.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, oui. Be careful, will you? Those bastards—
— PARISA’S HOME ENTRANCE – DUSK
— She leaves the house with a carelessly strapped backpack on her shoulder.
PARISA (V.O.)
I know, I know. Take care, Pops.
END OF MONTAGE
-
WOW! Thank you so much, Michael!
Stream of consciousness is PERFECT! I believe that it combines what you as audience would like to see on the screen, PLUS… the insightful comments of a screenwriter you are. PERFECT!Well, thanks to your input, version 4 is coming out of the oven. Hope when you read it, you may recognize your valuable contributions. THANKS!
-
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
Log in to reply.