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Day 6 assignments
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Title: Ed. Gillow Rewrite of Robert and Trent scene
I learned process, character traits & subtext, and interest
techniques are your friend!
EXT. MARINA DEL REY – MARINA – DAY
ROBERT, 30s, wearing Ray-Bans, bright Hawaiian shirt, and
dockers strides down the marina dock way. He nervously pops a
stick of spearmint gum into his mouth and chews away.
His head on a swivel, he searches for a certain yacht.
Finally, he spots his target. The wording on the back of the
50-foot yacht reads:
TREPEDATION
ROBERT
Jeez, Trent J. Williams the third!
Who’d you kill to get this?
TRENT, 30s, greased back hair, Hugo Boss suit, layers of gold
neck chains and polyester, black dress shirt pops his head
over the top railing.
TRENT
What’d you say, Roberto?
Robert reacts to Trent’s word ambush.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Get your fat ass up here so we can
celebrate, mate!
Robert carefully hops on the yacht and cautiously makes his
way up to the top deck.
Trent strides over to greet Robert. He gives him a big bear
hug, steps back, then straightens out his suit.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Thanks for coming on such short
notice.
ROBERT
Hey, no problem.
Trent yells into the intercom.
TRENT
Lars! Take her out!
The yacht’s engines fire up and the yacht glides out of the slip.
ROBERT
Whoa, what’s going on?
TRENT
Just a quick spin around the harbor, no biggie.
Robert looks around, chews his gum, smiles nervously.
ROBERT
So. Why am I here?
TRENT
To celebrate! Let’s have a drink.
Robert looks around the top deck.
ROBERT
Sure. Celebrate what?
Trent pours two scotches on ice. He spills a bit of scotch on
the counter. Muttering to himself he cleans up the spill,
then folds the napkin neatly and stores it on the counter.
He approaches Robert and hands him the drink.
TRENT
Celebrate you putting lying weasel
Billy Bob in his place.
CLINK.
ROBERT
Yeah. I hoped if I kept leading him
on and spreading shit about him,
that he’d take the bait and we’d
hang his ass.
TRENT
Well, you are the king of gossip!
Trent pats Robert on his back.
TRENT (CONT’D)
By the way, what do you think of my
yacht?
As he looks around the yacht, Robert notices they are heading
out to open sea.
ROBERT
Yeah, swell! Thought you said we were just taking a spin in the harbor.
TRENT
Yeah, well… you’re not afraid of deep water, are you?
Beads of sweat run down Robert’s forehead. He shakes his head.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Good. Say about your payment. I’m a little light right now.
ROBERT
How light?
TRENT
One hundred percent.
ROBERT
Are you shitting me, Trent?
TRENT
Robby, chill baby. You did so good with Billy Bob, I got another score
for you. Do that for me and I’ll make good on what I owe ya.
Before answering, Robert watches Trent brush imaginary lint off his suit.
ROBERT
Dammit Trent.
(looks around)
Okay, who we screwing this time?
TRENT
Funny. You know William Spence?
Robert nods, finishes off the scotch in one gulp.
ROBERT
Yeah, I know him. No dice.
TRENT
Whaddya mean, no dice?
ROBERT
Means, I ain’t gonna do the job.
TRENT
Why?
ROBERT
There are foul lines in baseball for a reason. I have mine.
TRENT
Robby boy! I wouldn’t ask you to do a job I wouldn’t do myself. I… I’ve got a lot of other stuff to deal with.
Robert takes another look around the yacht.
ROBERT
Yeah, I can see that. Probably where my cut went.
TRENT
Come on whatcha say? I’ll make good on what I owe ya. I need for you to do this job.
He reaches out to grab Robert’s shoulder.
Robert knocks Trent’s arm off his shoulder.
ROBERT
No means no.
TRENT
LARS!
ROBERT
What’s a Lars?
LARS, 30s, exits from the cabin house. He is 6’8” and a mountain of muscles. The epitome of a mean, muscular fighting machine.
TRENT
Robert meet Lars. Lars meet Robert.
Lars only grunts.
ROBERT
Kinda aggressive, even for you amigo.
TRENT
I don’t like people saying no to me. You know that.
Trent looks at Lars, then head motions to Robert.
Lars stalks over to Robert.
His eyes as wide as truck tires, Robert backs up.
Lars raises his huge arms and swings his right at Robert.
As Lars is in mid-swing, Robert side steps and does a leg sweep using Lars’ size and weight to knock him against the railing.
Lars teeters, arms flailing, and almost regains his balance, but then falls overboard into the ocean.
Mouth wide open, Trent looks at the ocean below.
Robert shoots Trent a look.
ROBERT
Guess all those martial arts in the Marines finally paid off.
Robert strolls toward Trent, who backs up until there is nowhere to back up.
Robert grabs Trent by the throat and lifts him off the deck.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
This is going to hurt you more than me. OH! Billy Bob says howdy!
POW!
THUD!
Trent’s body slams on the deck.
Robert picks up Trent as the yacht continues to make its way further out to sea.
POW!
THUD!
FADE OUT.
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Good afternoon Edward. Happy to share critiques with you and everyone in class
Really enjoyed the setting. It is filled with mystery, intrigue and uncertainty. The simple reality that Robert isn’t comfortable from the beginning create an environment where the conflict is growing with each dialogue exchange.
Liked the twist at the end. The betrayal is used in a very enjoyable process. Leaves lots of doubt for the following scenes in the story.
Enjoyed the way you weave the setting, the suspense of who is going to get their ass kicked as well as the uncertainty of the sequence with Lars.
Look forward to reading your next assignment. Bob Kerr
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Title: Robert Kerr, Rewrite of Robert and Trent scene
What I learned: The more interest techniques I write into the scene, the more interesting it is for the audience and ultimately the marketplace
INT: A FANCY HOTEL BALLROOM – EVENING
A local fraternity is hosting a Homecoming party for members, alumni and prospective members. The men are dressed in business casual and many of them wearing polo shirts with the fraternity’s insignia. The women are dressed to impress. There is a bar in the far corner of the room and a dj spinning tunes with a small dance floor. ROBERT, is a 19year old sophomore who wants to pledge the chapter. He enters the room and saunters over to the bartender.
ROBERT
(Addressing the bartender)
Troy how did you get this gig?
TROY
Easy money. But, what are you doing here? This doesn’t look like your scene.
ROBERT
Wrangled an invitation from my newest friend TRENT. (points to Trent at the opposite corner)
Charmed him, and helped him out at a seminar on campus. This is the next step in the plan.
TROY
Whatever your plan is, be careful. There are more secrets than life preservers in this crowd.
ROBERT
Not worried. Sounds like lots of ammunition for the plan. Well, time to go to work.
Robert leaves the bar with a drink and heads over to where the women are gathering and starts introducing himself. He is making the rounds and leaving everyone with smiles and a laugh. He stops and notices a young beautiful woman with raven black hair standing by herself and he makes a beeline for her. As he walks up to her she looks at him and smiles
ROBERT
How is it that a stunning beauty like you is standing all alone at this grand event? My name is Robert and I am here to offer my company.
MARY
You’re certainly a charmer. Haven’t seen you at any of the parties they’ve hosted. Are you a prospective member or just a friend of one of the members?
ROBERT
Most definitely a prospective member. But, I didn’t catch your name?
MARY
My name is Mary. (Extending her hand) Nice to meet you future member Robert.
Robert takes her offered hand and gently kisses it.
MARY
My a gentleman. What a refreshing change.
ROBERT
Well, Mary, what can you tell me about the rest of the group here. I’ve met most of the people and sized up the other prospective members. Interesting collection. See that big muscular guy with the crew cut draped over the red head? He is on the rugby team and a real meat head. It’s rugby, partying and women is all life is to him.
MARY
Well that red head is MOLLY and she’s the girlfriend of a senior in the house. But, she is a real flirt and much more. In fact, she’s stepping out on him with some mystery man on a regular basis.
ROBERT
That is interesting to know. Any other juicy tidbits you care to share?
MARY
This is a pretty crazy bunch of people. Lot’s of drama.
ROBERT
Good advice Hey, there is my friend Trent Over there. Let me introduce you to him.
MARY
I know all about Trent. He is a real puppet master with people. Don’t fall into his web.
ROBERT
I think you might be wrong. He’s a good guy and I need to go over and thank him for this invitation. But, don’t go anywhere I’ll be right back.
Robert leaves Mary and walks over to where TRENT , a 22 year old senior, is standing holding court. Robert blends into the small group and eventually gets in front of Trent
ROBERT
Just want to thank you for the invitation. Really appreciate it.
TRENT
No problem. I thought you would be a good fit. What do you think of the party?
ROBERT
Interesting mix of people. Been picking up some interesting vibes and juicy gossip so far tonight.
TRENT
Gossip. Do tell. What have you heard?
ROBERT
Well that red head, Molly, is stepping out on her boyfriend. Some mystery man but could be high drama down the road. Other than that, just the usual who’s selling drugs and who needs test files. You know stuff like that.
TRENT
My you’ve been busy. See that tall alumnus in the middle of the room?
ROBERT
Yes.
TRENT
He’s my future boss after graduation. I need to say hi to him. Thanks for the info and go enjoy the rest of the party. I’ll catch up with you later.
Trent heads to the middle of the room while Robert heads back to Mary. After a brief handshake and a laugh. Trent heads back to his corner and signals for MICHAEL, the chapter’s enforcer, to come to him. Michael heads right over.
MICHAEL
What’s up boss?
TRENT
We’ve got a problem. See that guy talkin to Mary. He just tried to sell me some cocaine.
We can’t have that with all these alumni around. I want you to go over, tell him he’s got some papers to sign before he can join and take him in the back room and kick his ass. Then, tell him if we see him again we’ll put him in the hospital. Okay?
MICHAEL
No problem. But, who invited him here?
TRENT
Don’t know and don’t care!
Michael walks over to where Robert is talking with Mary and interrupts.
MICHAEL
Good news buddy. You need to come with me and sign some papers and your in.
ROBERT
I knew it! The people back home won’t believe I made it. Thanks. Excuse me Mary.Robert follows Michael into the back room. Meanwhile, Trent crosses the room and sides up to Molly.
TRENT
We need to cancel tonight. People are talking and we need to be more careful.
MOLLY
But I have something very sexy to wear tonight. Just what you asked for the last time.
TRENT
Just need to take a raincheck.
FADE OUT
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Happy Tuesday Bob. Thank you for your most kind critiques of my scene. I will try and return the favor on your scene with an equal level of effective feedback.
I liked the setting of the frat invitee party. I think many of us can relate to that setting whether it be good or bad. So your scene started out with a heightened emotion for the reader. Nice setup of the scene as well. From the start, I felt suspense, intrigue and hope. I felt Robert was in his element and figured he could navigate his way around to get what he wanted.
You did a most excellent job of exhibiting all of Robert’s and Trent’s traits and their subtext. I like using dialogue myself to deliver on those and you utilized dialogue to deliver on those techniques.
It’s fun when one character (Trent) uses another (Michael) to carry out his dirty work to twist/betray Robert. Nice! Gave Robert hope he was in… but not in for what he thought.
Then the suspense/uncertainty at the end between Trent and Molly… nice way to close it out.
Well done Bob. keep on, keeping on…. Ed. Gillow
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EXT. BEACHFRONT PAVILION – NIGHT LATE 80’s Double the quality
Numerous High School graduates loiter around a pavilion, some sitting on concrete picnic tables, smoking and drinking beer out of cups. All are dressed in beach clothes, some revealing. Others stroll around the beach drinking while others line up to fill their cups from a keg set on the back of a pick-up truck which also has speakers blaring out music. Some smoke pot below the pavilion. A few people dance to the music.
TRENT, a hip, dressed-like Miami Vice guy races up in a Vette convertible and parks on an angle close to a number of girls. He sits on his door, making sure everyone sees all his jewelry. It’s all fake. A couple of attractive girls approach him.
PRETTY GIRL 1
Nice to see you show up.
PRETTY GIRL 2
Can we get you a drink?
TRENT
Sure, Babe.
STEVE, a somewhat overweight, slightly drunk, nineteen-year-old, holding a drink, walks toward him.
STEVE
Trent, what’s happening, bro?
He tries to give Trent a hip handshake, which Trent tries to ignore, causing him to spill his beer on his door, almost spilling it on him.
TRENT
Hey, asshole, what the hell’s the matter with you?
STEVE
Sorry, man. I’ll clean it up.
The girls snicker as they leave. An awkward Steve leaves. Trent yells at him.
TRENT
And, find a soft cotton cloth!
Embarrassed, he nods as a ticked-off Trent reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a soft cloth to clean the beer off his car.
JULIE, his pretty girlfriend, approaches him with two beers.
Julie
What took you so long?
She hands him a beer.
TRENT
It takes money to pay for this stuff.
Trent flashes his jewelry to her as ROBERT, a good-looking, friendly nineteen-year-old drives up in an older Toyota Corolla and parks close to Trent’s Vette.
He gets out of his car and walks toward Trent, who is delighted to see him.
TRENT
Good to see you, Robert.
ROBERT
And, you. Hi, Julie.
He cracks a smile at her, who shyly looks away. Trent furrows his brow.
ROBERT
So, what’s going on?
Trent gets out of his car and walks up to him, holding his full beer, and gives him a thumb handshake as he leans over to whisper in his ear.
TRENT
Julie told me how you came on to her. She’s out of
your league, bro. Nice try.
ROBERT
(awkwardly)
I was just being friendly. I would never do that to a friend.
TRENT
Okay, no problem, bro.
Robert sees the two pretty girls coming towards them, one with one beer, and the other with two.
ROBERT
Wow, for me.
PRETTY GIRL 2
In your dreams.
Trent winks at her as she passes it to him. Robert looks at Trent’s two beers and huhs to himself. Julie’s put off by the flirting girls.
JULIE
Give it to him, will you?
The girls smile flirtingly at Trent as they leave while glancing at Julie, who gives them a stern look. Seeing Julie’s irritated, Trent passes a beer to Robert.
TRENT
Here.
ROBERT
Thanks, bro.
TRENT
If you want to get high, they’re toking under the pavilion.
Trent notices JIM, a smart-ass jock sitting on one of the picnic tables under the pavilion.
TRENT
Looky there, Jim made it.
Robert looks his way and hurumphs.
Trent looks at Robert and raises his brow.
ROBERT
He would have never graduated had a couple of girls not
helped him cheat his way through school. Typical jock.
TRENT
You might want to be careful about who you say that to.
Trent sees Steve returning with a cup of water and a rag.
ROBERT
I’m careful. Anyway, let me see who else is here.
TRENT
(to Steve)
Don’t get any water on my leather seats. And, you better not
scratch the paint.
Robert glances at Julie with a half-smile as he moseys on. Trent notices and furrows his brow.
STEVE
I’ll be really careful. I’m really sorry, man.
Trent looks at Julie and tilts his head toward the pavilion. They head in that direction.
Robert acts like he’s friends with everyone, making sure all the girls see how popular he is.
He flirts with several of the girls as he continues walking around.
TIME DISSOLVE:
Robert walks toward the pavilion. Now, a little drunk, but still acting friendly towards everyone. Jim sees him and tilts his head, acknowledging him. Robert walks up to him and gives him a thumb handshake.
ROBERT
So, what have you been doing over the summer?
JIM
Just partying every chance I get. How bout you?
ROBERT
Same old, same old.
They raise their cups to each other.
Jim notices Trent who gives him a light nod. Jim gives him a light nod back and turns to Robert.
JIM
You want to smoke a joint?
Jim points to the beach.
EXT. BEACH BELOW PAVILION – NIGHT
Robert, Jim and a few guys are passing a joint around.
ROBERT
(snickering)
This is really good stuff.
JIM
My girlfriend broke up with me. She didn’t think we were
a good fit.
ROBERT
(snickering)
That’s too bad, man.
JIM
So, you think I’m some kind of dumb shit.
ROBERT
(snickering)
Yeah, right… Wait, what?
JIM
That’s right
ROBERT
Bullshit. Who said it?
JIM
Friends of hers.
ROBERT
Ah, the only thing I said was that the teacher
sucked and no one can learn anything from him.
JIM
Ohhh, I see. Thanks for clearing that up.
Robert nervously smiles and nods. Jim starts beating the shit out of him with his buddies joining in.
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EXT. BEACHFRONT PAVILION – NIGHT LATE 80’s Double the quality
Numerous High School graduates loiter around a pavilion, some sitting on concrete picnic tables, smoking and drinking beer out of cups. All are dressed in beach clothes, some revealing. Others stroll around the beach drinking while others line up to fill their cups from a keg set on the back of a pick-up truck which also has speakers blaring out music. Some smoke pot below the pavilion. A few people dance to the music.
TRENT, a hip, dressed-like Miami Vice guy races up in a Vette convertible and parks on an angle close to a number of girls. He sits on his door, making sure everyone sees all his jewelry. It’s all fake. A couple of attractive girls approach him.
PRETTY GIRL 1
Nice to see you show up.
PRETTY GIRL 2
Can we get you a drink?
TRENT
Sure, Babe.
STEVE, a somewhat overweight, slightly drunk, nineteen-year-old, holding a drink, walks toward him.
STEVE
Trent, what’s happening, bro?
He tries to give Trent a hip handshake, which Trent tries to ignore, causing him to spill his beer on his door, almost spilling it on him.
TRENT
Hey, asshole, what the hell’s the matter with you?
STEVE
Sorry, man. I’ll clean it up.
The girls snicker as they leave. An awkward Steve leaves. Trent yells at him.
TRENT
And, find a soft cotton cloth!
Embarrassed, he nods as a ticked-off Trent reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a soft cloth to clean the beer off his car.
JULIE, his pretty girlfriend, approaches him with two beers.
Julie
What took you so long?
She hands him a beer.
TRENT
It takes money to pay for this stuff.
Trent flashes his jewelry to her as ROBERT, a good-looking, friendly nineteen-year-old drives up in an older Toyota Corolla and parks close to Trent’s Vette.
He gets out of his car and walks toward Trent, who is delighted to see him.
TRENT
Good to see you, Robert.
ROBERT
And, you. Hi, Julie.
He cracks a smile at her, who shyly looks away. Trent furrows his brow.
ROBERT
So, what’s going on?
Trent gets out of his car and walks up to him, holding his full beer, and gives him a thumb handshake as he leans over to whisper in his ear.
TRENT
Julie told me how you came on to her. She’s out of
your league, bro. Nice try.
ROBERT
(awkwardly)
I was just being friendly. I would never do that to a friend.
TRENT
Okay, no problem, bro.
Robert sees the two pretty girls coming towards them, one with one beer, and the other with two.
ROBERT
Wow, for me.
PRETTY GIRL 2
In your dreams.
Trent winks at her as she passes it to him. Robert looks at Trent’s two beers and huhs to himself. Julie’s put off by the flirting girls.
JULIE
Give it to him, will you.
The girls smile flirtingly at Trent as they leave while glancing at Julie, who gives them a stern look. Seeing Julie’s irritated, Trent passes a beer to Robert.
TRENT
Here.
ROBERT
Thanks, bro.
TRENT
If you want to get high, they’re toking under the pavilion.
Trent notices JIM, a smart-ass jock sitting on one of the picnic tables under the pavilion.
TRENT
Looky there, Jim made it.
Robert looks his way and hurumphs.
Trent looks at Robert and raises his brow.
ROBERT
He would have never graduated had a couple of girls not
helped him cheat his way through school. Typical jock.
TRENT
You might want to be careful about who you say that to.
Trent sees Steve returning with a cup of water and a rag.
ROBERT
I’m careful. Anyway, let me see who else is here.
TRENT
(to Steve)
Don’t get any water on my leather seats. And, you better not
scratch the paint.
Robert glances at Julie with a half-smile as he moseys on. Trent notices and furrows his brow.
STEVE
I’ll be really careful. I’m really sorry, man.
Trent looks at Julie and tilts his head toward the pavilion. They head in that direction.
Robert acts like he’s friends with everyone, making sure all the girls see how popular he is.
He flirts with several of the girls as he continues walking around.
TIME DISSOLVE:
Robert walks toward the pavilion. Now, a little drunk, but still acting friendly towards everyone. Jim sees him and tilts his head, acknowledging him. Robert walks up to him and gives him a thumb handshake.
ROBERT
So, what have you been doing over the summer?
JIM
Just partying every chance I get. How bout you?
ROBERT
Same old, same old.
They raise their cups to each other.
Jim notices Trent who gives him a light nod. Jim gives him a light nod back and turns to Robert.
JIM
You want to smoke a joint?
Jim points to the beach.
EXT. BEACH BELOW PAVILION – NIGHT
Robert, Jim, and a few guys are passing a joint around.
ROBERT
(snickering)
This is really good stuff.
JIM
My girlfriend broke up with me. She didn’t think we were
a good fit.
ROBERT
(snickering)
That’s too bad, man.
JIM
So, you think I’m some kind of dumb shit.
ROBERT
(snickering)
Yeah, right… Wait, what?
JIM
That’s right
ROBERT
Bullshit. Who said it?
JIM
Friends of hers.
ROBERT
Ah, the only thing I said was that the teacher
sucked and no one can learn anything from him.
JIM
Ohhh, I see. Thanks for clearing that up.
Robert nervously smiles and nods. Jim starts beating the shit out of him with his buddies joining in.
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