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Day 7
Reply to post your assignment.
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11 Replies
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I’m not sure what to do here, so I’ll just post and I think someone is supposed to create feedback through the Reply button, but I’m not sure. So I’m just going to post it and see what happens.
George Petersen THE SCENE
EXT. OUTDOOR RESTAURANT PATIO – DAY
Robert Cunningham (40s) sits alone at a table. A large half eaten display of food spreads out before him. He chugs a beer hungrily.
Trent (30s) approaches.
TRENT
Mr. Cunningham? Sorry I’m late.
ROBERT
You must be Trent. Please sit down. You want a beer? Of course you do.
(Motions to a waiter)
Another beer.
(Indicates the food)
I was celebrating a big sale.
TRENT
I was expecting Mrs. Cunningham.
ROBERT
Of course you are, but, I’m sorry to inform you, she’s not available. She’s attending an auction of her mother’s estate.
TRENT
Did your wife tell you I love auctions? Did a quarter mill last year in resales. I had expressed some interest in items that don’t move. If the price is right, that is.
ROBERT
I didn’t realize how deep your interest is.
The waiter delivers the beer.
ROBERT
You should meet my wife, Trinity.
Trent takes a sip.
TRENT
I would very much like to meet her. In fact, that’s why I’m here.
Robert checks his watch.
ROBERT
Come to my home for dinner. That way you can meet Trinity. Maybe she’ll have something that would be of interest to you.
Trent leans a little closer.
TRENT
If you don’t mind me asking… what’s she like, your wife?
Robert hesitates for a split second, then relaxes.
ROBERT
Oh, she’s great. She’s not like other women. You’ll like her.
TRENT
Do you have a photo of her?
Robert hesitates again, then proudly reaches for his wallet, shows off a photo of a stunning 20 something year old woman.
ROBERT
She’s quite a bit younger than I, as you can see.
Trent leans in for a closer look, then looks up at Robert.
TRENT
You must have a way with women.
Robert gives Trent a look. Then leans in close too.
ROBERT
(whispers)
The secret is… you have to be nice — at least in the beginning.
TRENT
I’ll remember that.
Under the table, Trent removes his wedding ring.
ROBERT
Will you excuse me for a moment? Too much beer.
TRENT
Of course, Mr. Cunningham.
Robert gets up.
ROBERT
Call me Robert.
Trent smiles.
Robert walks away.
Trent watches him go through the restroom door, then turns and nods.
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM – DAY
Robert flies violently through the air, crashes against a bathroom wall.
A Man in a Hawaiian Shirt (20s) lunges for him and slams his fist against Robert’s jaw.
Out of nowhere, Trent grabs the Man in the Hawaiian Shirt from behind, throws him against the opposite wall.
The two stare at each other for a moment, then the Man in the Hawaiian Shirt scampers away.
Trent turns and helps Robert to the sink.
ROBERT
Thank you. Thank you, my friend.
Trent grabs some paper towels and daps Robert’s bleeding chin.
TRENT
Let’s get you out of here.
EXT. OUTDOOR RESTAURANT WALKWAY – DAY
Trent helps Robert through a side gate, which leads to an arriving limo.
EXT. STREET – DAY
Behind some bushes down the street, the Man in the Hawaiian Shirt puts on sunglasses and watches Trent help Robert get in the limo. He smiles.
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HI George,
We can exchange critiques if you like. Here you go.
Trent’s traits and subtext:
Having Robert get beaten up and saving him is a unique way to fulfill Trent’s subtext as well as his bragging about his sales. Good job! He obviously needs sex which points to his needy trait. He could be a little more aggressive. That could happen if Robert didn’t invite him to his home to meet his wife and he pushes for it. It could show up in dialogue. It would also give a reason for the pretense of the beating.
Robert’s traits and subtext:
I am unclear as to how his subtext works. Who is he taking down or who did he? He’s smooth and gregarious, but you could add even more about his low self-esteem with a younger wife. How is he secretive? That trait could be combined in some way with his subtext. What is his motive for this meeting?
Interest Techniques:
You have a major twist, surprise, betrayal, and dramatic irony that are obvious. Wow, I really don’t like Robert and his opinion of women. Great line. I think you could have a more interesting setting than a restaurant – for example, the actual auction. Perhaps there’s a way to add superior position if you clarify Robert.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have questions.
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Hi Denice,
I really liked your setting, blending Hollywood with cemetery and music and dancing.
It has a Poe like feel to it, where everything bounces off the same theme. The moon, the owl, the boat, the mausoleum. It made me forget it was an assignment.
Ah, yes, getting back to the assignment: Robert is portrayed as smooth and definitely secretive. He’s gregarious in the party setting. I suppose low self-esteem could be related to his not being human.
Trent’s concern with his designer suit and refusing to row the boat portrays his need to appear wealthy. He gets aggressive when Nikki abandons him and a bit needy when trapped in the mausoleum.
The twist at the end was also a nice touch.
George Petersen
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Thank you for your comments on my scene. Please feel free to tell me how it could be improved. I appreciate your time and your help.
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George: I wanted to share my critique of your rewrite. Happy to share critiques with everyone
I thought the setting of the scene was unique and played well with the arc. One of the strengths of this rewrite is how you played on suspense, surprise and the mislead and reveal.
The subtext for Trent played well with the twist at the end. The hint that Robert held the secrets to woman leads to an interesting action by Trent. Very subtle but very much in character.
The whole mystery about Trent’s expectations that Robert’s wife was going to be there creates a sense of urgency as to the real intent behind Trent’s appointment. Is he someone who is use to interacting with women and perhaps getting a better price for the items or is he a genuine above board dealer in resale items? This mystery is really compelling.
The twist at the end is also well setup. Love the way you wove the characters and the character in the Hawaiian shirt as perhaps an accomplice of Trent’s and it was all a setup.
Thank you for this work.
Bob Kerr
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Ready for critique:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD FOREVER CEMETERY – NIGHT
The Day of the Dead. Lights form auras around altars amid crowd noise, music, food vendors, dancers, arts and crafts.
TRENT KANE (40’s), brushes a leaf off his immaculate designer suit. He raises a glass of champagne with several well-dressed men and women who surround him.
TRENT
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Your investment will pay unbelievable dividends for funding this event.
Not far away, a bevy of young women laugh at outgoing ROBERT GRAVES (50’s). He smiles at each one. They hang on his every word. He points to Trent.
ROBERT
Stay away from that conniving creep. He only pretends to have money.
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN hands Trent a check. His hand lingers on hers a little too long. Their eyes meet. Her face flushes. She pulls away in anger.
TRENT
You’ll have to excuse me now. I have another appointment.
Robert whispers to a nubile woman next to him, NIKKI (20’s).
ROBERT
Here’s a hundred bucks. Please take that thief to the mausoleum on the lake.
NIKKI
I’m not a prostitute.
ROBERT
You won’t have to be. I hid a rowboat under a tree near the lake. Strand him.
NIKKI
Shouldn’t you tell his investors?
ROBERT
He won’t cash the check when I confront him.
NIKKI
What’s he ever do to you?
ROBERT
Sorry, my business.
Nikki tucks the money in her abundant cleavage. She hurries after Trent. He stops and smiles. Takes her arm.
EXT. LAKE – NIGHT
The muted celebration lingers in the background. The full moon shines. An owl hoots.
Trent and Nikki climb into the boat. She waits for him to grab the oars.
TRENT
Do you mind? This suit is expensive.
Nikki clenches the oars. Rows. Trent ogles her.
TRENT
Did you plan to sleep with the richest man here tonight?
She smiles through her teeth.
NIKKI
Only the most virile.
He preens.
TRENT
Treat me nice and earn a thousand. Maybe.
Rowboat touches the bank.
NIKKI
Let me hide the boat.
Trent climbs onto the island’s grass. Flicks imaginary dust.
Nikki rows away as if her life depends on it.
TRENT
Get back here.
Scattered clouds float across the moon casting the mausoleum in shadow. Trent shivers. Yells.
TRENT
Don’t think I won’t track you down.
Robert sneak out from the darkness of the arched entrance.
Trent jumps.
TRENT
You startled me. That bitch leave you here, too?
Robert smiles.
ROBERT
I made it on my own.
TRENT
Gimme a lift. I gotta get home.
ROBERT
I wouldn’t call your shack on the beach a home.
Trent glares.
TRENT
You a hired dick?
ROBERT
I’m nothing. But I know you get what you want by stealing money.
TRENT
Who told you about me?
ROBERT
My sources come from a lower level than your rich friends.
Trent stomps toward Robert.
TRENT
Who are you?
ROBERT
I wasn’t sure my plan to get you here would work. I admit I’m impressed. Despite your fear, you came to a celebration that honors the dead.
Trent straightens his tie.
TRENT
You’re responsible for my deal?
ROBERT
I would love to create trouble with a word or two in the right ears.
Trent takes a deep breath.
TRENT
How much do you want?
Robert laughs unpleasantly. Walks away.
ROBERT
Bereavement doesn’t have a price.
Trent strides after him.
TRENT
What are you talking about? I don’t even know you.
Robert’s eyes darken.
ROBERT
My wife killed herself after you stole her inheritance.
TRENT
I’m not responsible for some dame’s suicide.
Robert stiffens.
ROBERT
Conspiring bastard. Because of you, my wife and I can’t be together.
He walks into the blackness of the mausoleum doorway.
Trent pulls a knife and follows him.
INT. MAUSOLEUM ENTRANCE – NIGHT
A small bulb lights the dark. Robert stands in shadow.
Trent waves his knife.
TRENT
Show me the way out, dumbass.
ROBERT
Assumptions get you killed.
Robert’s skin starts to melt from his body.
Trent freezes in horror.
Robert snatches the knife. HIs skeleton grins. Stabs Trent in the heart. He dissolves.
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Hi Denice: Happy to share my critique and hope to share critiques with everyone
I loved the setting of your scene. Had a mixture of festival and a degree of mystery about the
legends I have heard about the Day of The Dead. Draws the audience in and places them in a state of anticipation.
The dialogue is crisp and flows with the setting. It is important that people feel like there is a conflict of greater magnitude than just the initial appearances and you tell it well.
Liked the twist at the end. Feels like the mystery is only deepening and the outcome is not final. A bit of a tease for the next scene in the script.
I really liked how you wove the ingredients of the two main characters traits into a unique and suspenseful scene that delivered on key interest techniques.
I look forward to reading your future assignments. Bob Kerr
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Thank you for your comments Robert. I appreciate your insight. Please feel free to comment on how I could improve my scene.
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Denice: Posted my rewrite on the prior day assignment. I seem to be a little out of synch with the lessons and my postings. Hope to get back on track with this next assignment.
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Have you posted your revised scene? I will be happy to add my comments.
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EXT. BEACHFRONT PAVILION – NIGHT LATE 80’s Lesson 6 – QE Cycle #1
Numerous High School graduates loiter around a pavilion, some sitting on concrete picnic tables, smoking and drinking beer out of cups. All are dressed in beach clothes, some revealing. Others stroll around the beach drinking while others line up to fill their cups from a keg set on the back of a pick-up truck with speakers blaring out music. Some smoke pot below the pavilion. A few people dance to the music.
TRENT, a hip, dressed-like Miami Vice guy races up in a Vette convertible and parks on an angle close to a number of girls. He sits on his door, making sure everyone sees all his jewelry. It’s all fake. A couple of attractive girls approach him wearing beach clothes and a bikini top.
PRETTY GIRL 1 Nice to see you show up.
PRETTY GIRL 2 Can we get you a drink?
TRENT Sure, Babe.
STEVE, a somewhat overweight, slightly drunk, nineteen-year-old, holding a drink, walks toward him.
STEVE Trent, what’s happening, bro?
He tries to give Trent a hip handshake, which Trent tries to ignore, causing him to spill his beer on his door, almost spilling it on him.
TRENT Hey, asshole, what the hell’s the matter with you?
STEVE Sorry, man. I’ll clean it up.
The girls snicker as they leave followed by an embarrassed Steve. Trent yells at him.
TRENT And, find a soft cotton cloth!
Embarrassed, he nods as a ticked-off Trent reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a soft cloth to clean the beer off his car.
JULIE, his pretty girlfriend, approaches him with two beers.
JULIE What took you so long?
She hands him a beer.
TRENT It takes money to pay for this stuff.
Trent flashes his jewelry to her as ROBERT, a good-looking, friendly nineteen-year-old drives up in an older Toyota Corolla and parks close to Trent’s Vette.
He gets out of his car and walks toward Trent, who is delighted to see him.
TRENT Good to see you, Robert.
ROBERT And, you. Hi, Julie.
He cracks a smile at her, who shyly looks away. Trent furrows his brow.
ROBERT So, what’s going on?
Trent gets out of his car and walks up to him, holding his full beer, and gives him a thumb handshake as he leans over to whisper in his ear.
TRENT Julie told me how you came on to her. She’s out of your league, bro. Nice try.
ROBERT (awkwardly) I was just being friendly. I have no interest in any friend’s girlfriends.
TRENT Okay, no problem, bro.
Robert sees the two pretty girls coming towards them, one with one beer, and the other with two.
ROBERT Wow, for me.
PRETTY GIRL 2 In your dreams.
Trent winks at her as she passes it to him. Robert looks at Trent’s two beers and huhs to himself. Julie’s put off by the flirting girls.
JULIE Give it to him, will you?
The girls smile flirtingly at Trent as they leave while glancing at Julie, who gives them a stern look. Seeing Julie’s irritated, Trent passes a beer to Robert.
TRENT Here.
ROBERT Thanks, bro.
TRENT If you want to get high, they’re toking under the pavilion.
Trent notices JIM, a smart-ass jock sitting on one of the picnic tables under the pavilion.
TRENT Looky there, Jim made it.
Robert looks his way and hurumphs.
Trent looks at Robert and raises his brow.
ROBERT He would have never graduated had a couple of girls not helped him cheat his way through school. Typical jock.
TRENT You might want to be careful about who you say that too.
Trent sees Steve returning with a cup of water and a rag.
ROBERT I’m careful. Anyway, let me see who else is here.
TRENT (to Steve) Don’t get any water on my leather seats. And, you better not scratch the paint.
Robert glances at Julie with a half-smile as he moseys on. Trent notices and furrows his brow.
STEVE I’ll be really careful. I’m really sorry, man.
Robert acts like he’s friends with everyone, making sure all the girls see him, occasionally flirting with some of them as he continues walking around.
Trent looks at Julie and tilts his head toward the pavilion. They head to the pavilion.
TRENT (whispers to Julie) You know he’s full of shit.
She stops and looks at him.
TRENT Do you think I don’t know the crap he’s been saying?… First, you know the Vette is mine. And, the Rolex, it’s real.
TIME DISSOLVE:
Robert walks toward the pavilion. Now, a little drunk, but still acting friendly towards everyone. Jim sees him and tilts his head, acknowledging him. Robert walks up to him and gives him a thumb handshake.
ROBERT So, what have you been doing over the summer?
JIM Just partying every chance I get. How bout you?
ROBERT Same old, same old.
They raise their cups to each other.
Jim notices Trent who gives him a light nod. Jim gives him a light nod back and turns to Robert.
JIM You want to smoke a joint?
Jim points to the beach.
EXT. BEACH BELOW PAVILION – NIGHT
Robert, Jim, and a few guys are passing a joint around. Robert is getting high and giggles a lot.
ROBERT (snickering) This is really good stuff.
JIM Since I couldn’t get a football scholarship, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said we weren’t a good fit.
ROBERT (snickering) That’s too bad, man.
JIM So, you think I’m some kind of dumb shit.
ROBERT (snickering) Yeah, right… Wait, what?
Robert blows air, trying to get straight. Jim looks at him sternly.
ROBERT Bullshit! Who said it?
JIM Her friends, for one. Trent, for another.
ROBERT Ah, the only thing I said was that the teacher sucked and no one can learn anything from him.
JIM Ohhh, I see. I appreciate you clearing that up.
Somewhat relieved, Robert nervously smiles and nods. Jim starts beating the shit out of him with his buddies joining in.
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