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Day 7 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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11 Replies
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Rob Bertrand’s Visuals
What I learned: I learned the basic four levels of visual description and a technique to better improve my screenplay with vividness.
PART ONE: EXAMPLE
THE SIXTH SENSE
A NAKED LIGHTBULB SPARKS TO LIFE. It dangles from the ceiling
Anna is the rare combination of beauty and innocence. She stands in the chilly basement in an elegant summer dress that outlines her slender body. Her gentle eyes move across the empty room and come to rest on a rack of wine bottles covering one entire wall.
THE LIGHTBULB DIES. DRIPPING BLACK DEVOURS THE ROOM.
Malcolm is in his thirties with thick, wavy hair and striking, intelligent eyes that squint from years of intense study. His charming, easy-going smile spreads across his face.
Beat. The power of the words sobers the two of them.
Malcolm looks at Anna surprised at what he said. They crack up laughing. THEIR SWEET LAUGHTER FILLS THE HOUSE.
TWO GIGGLING SHADOWS APPEAR IN THE BEDROOM DOORWAY. They try to turn on the light. It doesn’t come on.
He walks towards her. HIS GRIN QUIETLY DISAPPEARS. Malcolm’s face turns to rock as his attention is drawn to the SHATTERED WINDOW in their bedroom. The wind moves through the room. A lamp lays broken on the ground by the window.
The STRANGER is about nineteen. Drugged out. Pitch black eyes bulging. His body is covered in scars and bruises. His hands are folded in front of him. He shakes ever so slightly. He has a patch of white in his hair.
The stranger’s stare slides to Anna.
Beat. Malcolm’s intelligent eyes race for answers.
Malcolm looks like someone hit him with a sledgehammer.
Malcolm lets out a deep breath like he just emerged from deep waters.
PART 2: IMPROVED DESCRIPTIVE SENTENCES
The room is lit by candles, sporadically placed around the room. They flicker ominously.
Change to: The room is washed in candle light, that flickers ominously on the walls.Armando lights a series of candles surrounding the dress.
Change to: Armando strikes a match and illuminates a series of candles, around the dress.Jocelyn fingers move fast as lightning over her phone.
Change to: Jocelyn’s fingers tap out a message inhumanly fast.Up the stairs, the basement door SLAMS open. The teenagers look up to see JACK ANDREWS. His face both shock and anger.
Change to: The basement door explodes open to reveal Jack Andrews. His face a mixture of shock and anger.Danny crosses behind Jack’s chair, running a hand along his body.
Change to: Danny slinks behind Jack’s chair, running a bloody hand along his torso. -
Budinscak Visuals
Day 7
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Less is more.
o Keep it interesting for the reader and a way to separate yourself from the masses.
o Metaphor, exaggeration and comparison are a budding screenwriter’s good friends.
Part 1
The descriptive words/phrases are from the first four pages of “THE MATRIX”.
Blinding cursor pulses, darkness like a heart coursing in phosphorous light, burning beneath the derma of black-neon glass.
Throb, relentlessly patient, flashing faster than we can see, racing columns of numbers, shimmering like a green-electric rivers, rush, suddenly fixed, snapping into place like the wheels of a slot machine.
Two thin digits, pops, move still closer, electric hum of green numbers growing into an ominous roar. Nether world of the computer screen, abandoned, fire licked its way across the polyester carpet, spooled soot up the walls, patterns of permanent shadow, creep, blackened hall.
Violently kicks, guns thrust, devoid of furniture, glides, coiling back, flicks out, big, smooth and fast, inhumanly fast, erupting, kicks with the force of a wrecking ball, a two-hundred-fifty pound sack of limp meat and bone, slams, bullets raking the walls, sweeping with panic, leather-clad ghost, snatched, twisted, final violent exchange.
Part 2
Original: The FBI snuck in unseen during the commotion.
Revised: Like snakes slithering through tall grass, the FBI agents enter and blend in during the ruckus.
Original: LAPD sirens grow loudly in the background as Jack closes the last lid – on Don Vito.
Revised: A devilishly smirking Jack waves goodbye as he closes the coffin lid on the still whining Don Vito as police sirens blare outside.
Original: Don Vito chuckles at his own macabre wit as he leans back in his chair.
Revised: Don Vito’s macabre manner would make Jabba the Hut envious.
Original: Jack rises from the chair.
Revised: Jack explodes from his chair and flies across the desk.
Original: Don Vito motions towards Carmine’s, the restaurant across the parking lot.
Revised: Dripping with malice, Don Vito’s gaze towards Jack’s restaurant makes its roof smolder.
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Elizabeth’s Vivid Visual Description
What I learned—thinking in terms of metaphor, exaggeration, comparison, active verbs and concrete nouns immediately improves my work.
Day 7 vivid visual descriptions: from 17 Again (not the most poetic screenplay, but…):
A few cars scatter the parking lot. WE hear GRUNTS followed by the distinct sound of basketballs shredding net; Mike’s hair, a pompadour mullet a la `21 Jump Street’ and short shorts circa 1989.DOM, 17, handsome, tall, long rat tail, scoffs;Gym doors burst open; The Falcons swarm to the bench; if you keep showing up places dressed like the Cookie Crisp guy; We hear nothing but see Mike’s body deflate; The sound of an alarm clock shatters the silence; Who’s lucky? Mike O’Donnell. Mike yanks his tie straight up as if he were hanging himself; ACUPUNCTURE NEEDLES protrude from every inch of his body, neck and face…at least 5000 needles.He pours himself a shot of BROWN LIQUID from a pitcher, throws the shot back and immediately SPITS it all over the place.What’s this brown stuff again? ACUPUNCTURIST Rhinoceros urine. Pure protein; Negativity’s for the 800 pound fat lady who needs to be airlifted out of bed; A glum look on his face; Mike slumps back into his seat. Wendy springs up out of hers, SCREAMING and BOUNCING.My legs just went numb; Smiling faces, happy couples…little pills; A glum look on his face. WENDY, bubbly, ditsy; Ed mid howl from Dom’s wedgy.ALEX, 15, messy hair and slight, and MAGGIE, 17 and awkwardly pretty; some smarmy twerp- boss calling you bro-ski.; Why are you destroying the yard?wobbles away; brandishing an over-sized loofah
Adam-Eve fusses over the lovely gown Grace is wearing, making it lay just right. Linda wrestles with Grace’s up-do.
Adam-Eve zips her mother into her Could-Be-A-Pronovias—a perfect pasting!
Linda brawls with Grace’s hair.
LINDA
Your curls have always been the death of me.
LINDA
Damn silk pit bulls have been biting me since you were.
She rearranges a bobby pin
Spears one with a bobby pin
Linda slips, silent into the shadows of her bedroom—
Linda slips into her bedroom like she’s dropping into Sheol—
An expression we’ve never seen on Christopher’s face.
Christopher’s face: His pilot light has been relit.
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My challenge is that I prefer long sentences packed with figures of speech and tone color instead of the shotgun American minimalism favored by the gatekeepers but I acknowledge that in screenwriting, concise description is key, not only for the reader, but to better figure out the page numbers of one page per minute.
Assignment One: My other problem is that I am not naturally visual–my cognitive domains are linguistic and kinesthetic–so I chose the beginning of 2001 because these images rested in my mind for decades. Then I pruned some of the sentences in the script to conform to contemporary American expectations but not enough to make me cringe. I like the depth and breadth of this imagery, the creation of many worlds, attacking time and history in profound ways, using images as symbols and metaphors. But I made myself cut half of his script as well as correct spelling and proofing errors. My problem is that I lack sufficient visual description in my novels while this script is intensely visual.
2001 INT & EXT CAVES – MOONWATCHER
The man-apes of the field were on the long, pathetic road to racial extinction.
About twenty of them occupied a group of caves overlooking
a small, parched valley, divided by a sluggish, brown stream.
The tribe is starving.
As the first dim glow of dawn creeps into the cave, Moonwatcher
discovers that his father has died during the night. He did not know
the Old One was his father, for such a relationship was beyond
his understanding, but as he stands looking down at the emac-
iated body he feels something akin to sadness. Then
he carries his dead father out of the cave, and leaves him for the
hyenas.
Among his kind, Moonwatcher is almost a giant. He is nearly
five feet high, and though badly undernourished, weighs over
a hundred pounds. His hairy, muscular body is quite man-like,
and his head is already nearer man than ape. The forehead is
low, and there are great ridges over the dark, deep-set eye-sockets, but as
he looks out now upon the hostile world, there is already
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CONTINUED
something a dawning awareness
of an intelligence which would not fulfill itself for another
two million years.
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A3
EXT THE STREAM – THE OTHERS
As the dawn sky brightens, Moonwatcher and his tribe reach
the shallow stream.
The Others are already there. There are eighteen of them, and it is impossible to distinguish
them from the members of Moonwatcher’s own tribe. As
they see him coming, the Others begin to angrily dance and
shriek on their side of the stream, and his own people reply
In kind.
The confrontation lasts a few minutes – then the display dies
out as quickly as it has begun, and everyone drinks his fill of
the muddy water. Honor has been satisfied – each group has
staked its claim to its own territory.
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A4
EXT AFRICAN PLAIN – HERBIVORES
Moonwatcher and his companions search for berries, fruit
and leaves, and fight off pangs of hunger,
slowly starving to death in the midst of plenty.
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A5
EXT PARCHED COUNTRYSIDE – THE LION
The tribe slowly wanders across the bare, flat country-
side foraging for roots and occasional berries.
Eight of them are irregularly strung out on the open plain,
about fifty feet apart.
The ground is flat for miles around.
Suddenly, Moonwatcher becomes aware of a lion, stalking
them about 300 yards away.
Defenseless and with nowhere to hide, they scatter in all
directions, but the lion brings one to the ground.
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A6
EXT DEAD TREE – FINDS HONEY
But on the way back to the caves he finds a
hive of bees in the stump of a dead tree, and so enjoys the
finest delicacy his people could ever know. He
also collects a good many stings, but he scarcely notices
them.
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A7
INT & EXT CAVES – NIGHT TERRORS
Over the valley, a full moon rises, and a cold wind blows down
from the distant mountains. This Little Sun, that only shone at night and gave no warmth,
was dangerous; there would be enemies abroad. Moonwatcher
crawls out of the cave, clambers on to a large boulder besides
the entrance, and squats there where he can survey the valley.
and reach out to try to touch the moon’s ghostly face.
He stirs when shrieks and screams echo up the slope from
one of the lower caves, and he does not need to hear the
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occasional growl of the lion to know what is happening. Down
there in the darkness, old One-Eye and his family are dying,
and the thought that he might help in some way never crosses
Moonwatcher’s mind. Every cave is silent, lest it attract disaster.
And in the caves, in tortured spells of fitful dozing and
fearful waiting, were gathered the nightmares of generations
yet to come.
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A8
EXT THE STREAM – INVASION
The Others are growing desperate; the forage on their side of
the valley is almost exhausted. Perhaps they realize that
Moonwatcher’s tribe has lost three of its numbers during the
night, for they choose this mourning to break the truce. When
they meet at the river in the still, misty dawn, there is a
deeper and more menacing note in their challenge. The noisy
but usually harmless confrontation lasts only a few seconds
before the invasion begins.
The Others cross the river, shrieking threats and hunched for the attack. They are led
by a big-toothed hominid of Moonwatcher’s own size and age.
Startled and frightened, the tribe retreats before the first
advance, throwing nothing more substantial than imprecations
at the invaders. Moonwatcher moves with them, his mind a
mist of rage and confusion. Then he becomes dimly aware that the Others are slowing
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down, and advancing with obvious reluctance. The further they
move from their own side, the more uncertain and unhappy
they become. Only Big-Tooth still retains any of his original
drive, and he is rapidly being separated from his followers.
As he sees this, Moonwatcher’s slows down his retreat, and begins to make
reassuring noises to his companions– the first faint precursors of bravery and
leadership.
Before he realizes it, he is face to face with Big-Tooth, and
the two tribes come to a halt many paces away.
The disorganized and unscientific conflict could have ended
quickly if either had used his fist as a club, but this
innovation still lay hundreds of thousands of years in the
future. Instead, the slowly weakening fighters claw and
scratch and try to bite each other.
Rolling over and over, they come to a patch of stony ground,
and when they reach it Moonwatcher is on top. By chance,
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he chooses this moment to grab the hair on Big-Tooth’s scalp,
and bang his head on the ground. The resulting CRACK is
so satisfactory, and produces such an immediate weakening
In Big – Tooth’s resistance, that he quickly repeats it.
Even when Big-Tooth ceases to move for some time, Moon-
watcher keeps up the exhilarating game.
With shrieks of panic, the Others retreat back, across the
stream. The defenders cautiously pursue them as far as
The water’s edge.
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EXT CAVE – NEW SOUND
Dozing fitfully and weakened by his struggle, Moonwatcher is
startled by a sound. He sits up in the fetid darkness of the cave, straining his
senses out into the night, and fear creeps slowly into his soul.
The great cats approached in silence, and the only thing that
betrayed them was a rare slide of earth, or the occasional
cracking of a twig. Yet this is a continuing crunching noise
that grows steadily louder. And then there came a sound which Moonwatcher could not
possibly have identified, for it had never been heard before
in the history of this planet.
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A10
EXT CAVE – NEW ROCK
Moonwatcher comes face to face with the New Rock when he
leads the tribe down to the river in the first light of morning.
It is a cube about fifteen feet on a side, and it is made of
some completely transparent material; indeed, it is not easy
to see except when the light of the sun glints on its edges.
There are no natural objects to which Moonwatcher can
compare this apparition. Though he is wisely cautious
of most new things, he does not hesitate to walk up to it.
As nothing happens, he puts out his hand, and feels a warm,
hard surface.
After several minutes of intense thought, he arrives at a
brilliant explanation. It is a rock, of course, and it
must have grown during the night. There are many plants
that do this – white, pulpy things shaped like pebbles, that
seem to shoot up in the hours of darkness. It is true that
they are small and round, whereas this is large and square.
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CONTINUED
This really superb piece of abstract thinking leads Moonwatcher
to a deduction which he immediately puts to the test. The white,
round pebble-plants are very tasty (though there were a few
that made one violently sick); perhaps this square one…?
A few licks and attempted nibbles quickly disillusion him.
There is no nourishment here; so like a sensible hominid, he
continues on his way to the river and forgets all about the Cube.
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EXT CUBE – FIRST LESSON
They are still a hundred yards from the New Rock when the
sound begins.
It is quite soft, and it stops them in their tracks, so that they
stand paralyzed on the trail with their jaws hanging. A simple,
maddeningly repetitious rhythm pulses out of the crystal cube
and hypnotizes all who come within its spell. For the first
time – and the last, for two million year – the sound of
drumming is heard in Africa.
The throbbing grows louder, more insistent. Presently the
hominids begin to move forward like sleep-walkers, towards
the source of that magnetic sound. Sometimes they take little
dancing steps, as their blood responds to the rhythms that
their descendants will not create for ages yet.
Totally entranced, they gather around the Cube, forgetting
the hardships of the day, the perils of the approaching dusk,
and the hunger in their bellies.
Now, spinning wheels of light begin to merge, and the spokes
fuse into luminous bars that slowly recede into the distance,
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rotating on their axes as they do; and the hominids watch, wide-
eyed, mesmerized captives of the Crystal Cube.
Then by some magic – Itis as if a cubical block had been carved out of the day and
shifted into the night. Inside that block is a group of four
hominids, who might have been members of Moonwatcher’s
own tribe, eating chunks of meat. The carcass of a wart-hog
lies near them.
This little family of male and female and two children is gorged
and replete, with sleek and glossy pelts – and this was a
condition of life that Moonwatcher had never imagined. From
time to time they stir lazily, as they loll at ease near the
entrance of their cave, apparently at peace with the world.
The spectacle of domestic bliss merges into a totally
different scene.
The family is no longer reposing peacefully outside its cave;
it is foraging, searching for food like any normal hominids.
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A small wart-hog ambles past the group of browsing humanoids
without giving them more than a glance, for they had never been
the slightest danger to its species.
But that happy state of affairs is about to end. The big male
suddenly bends down, picks up a heavy stone lying at his feet –
and hurls it upon the unfortunate pig. The stone descends upon
its skull, making exactly the same noise that Moonwatcher had
produced in his now almost forgotten encounter with Big-Tooth.
And the result, too, is much the same – the warthog gives one
amazed, indignant squeal, and collapses in a motionless heap.
Then the whole sequence begins again, but this time it unfolds
itself with incredible slowness. Every detail of the movement
can be followed; the stone arches leisurely through the air, the
pig crumples up and sinks to the ground. There the scene
freezes for long moments, the slayer standing motionless
above the slain, the first of all weapons in his hand.
The scene suddenly fades out. The cube is no more than a
glimmering outline in the darkness; the hominids stir, as if
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awakening from a dream, realize where they are, and scuttle
back to their caves.
They have no conscious memory of what they had seen; but that
night, as he sits brooding at the entrance of his lair, his ears
attuned to the noises of the world around him, Moonwatcher
feels the first faint twinges of a new and potent emotion – the urge
to kill. He had taken his first step towards humanity.
P.S. As I kept cutting words and sentences, I realized some must be left because Kubrick chose to film the set up to 2001 in slow motion, zooming in and out, trying to show what the creatures were thinking, using images to evoke their past and fears for the future. So the one page per minute may have worked with the original script. Don’t mess with the greats, but it was a useful exercise for me.
Assignment Two: As I scroll down the rough draft of my screenplay, a huge mess, I realize that it reads like a play with just dialogue and generic sets, because in my youth I acted in plays. There is some physical action but almost no unique description of locations, clothes, cars, houses, or anything. My novel has more description but since it is the third of a trilogy, it is coded, and most of the description is in the first two novels. Oh dear. I can’t cut what isn’t there. If I just insert a few words here and there describing the colors and shapes of objects and locations, that may not work. I may need a huge overhaul. Since the scripts I chose to analyze had things I lack, perhaps I should literally put the Magma Monsters into the script every few pages with VOICE OVERS (Yeah, I know you are supposed to avoid them), trying to imagine landscape in a way that can evoke all these symbols of time and history. Since my script is too short, this might work, but then it is a mess of all genre so it may turn into farce.
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PS 80 Michelle Damis – Visuals
What I learned doing this assignment is that I need a Thesaurus (Thank you Santa) and I have A LOT of trimming and rewording to do and will have this lesson handy for a thorough rewrite when the time comes.
PART 1 – Descriptions from Bruce Almighty
Bruce spreads the hair net, bends down out of frame, comes up looking ridiculous and very disgruntled.
Bruce SNAPS from pissed to instant charismatic TV newsman.
Bruce speaks on camera he speaks in his “REPORTER’S VOICE” – that recognizable, too-smooth delivery that all news reporters seem to have.
Bruce throws a mock hissy fit.
He stares at the prayer beads with a “thanks a lot” look.
BOBBY, the endlessly yammering PASTRY CART GUY
Bobby shoves a bite into Bruce’s mouth. Bruce feigns liking it with exasperation.
JACK KELLER, 50’s, a constant furrow in his brow.
EVAN BAXTER, 30′ s , a walking statement. Impeccable posture, perfect speech, perfect everything and he knows it. FRED DONOHUE, the ever jovial sports reporter; always tanned, vain weatherman,
Like popping out of a coma, Bruce surges in.
Jack rockets back into the room
PART 2 – 5 Descriptions I’d like to change
1. Marin and Nina have been trying to loosen their restraints. Nina keeps spitting on the cuffs to get them slippery, Marin is half grossing out and half encouraging.
CHANGE: Marin and Nina struggle to loosen their restraints. Nina strategically drools down her arm for lubricant, Marin stoically fights off her gag-reflex.
2. She taps him on the shoulder, he spins around so fast she didn’t see him turn. She is a bit dazed but recovers.
CHANGE: Nina taps Osgood on the shoulder, he turns in the blink of an eye leaving her dazed.
3. Marin is on a paddleboard with her younger sister RACHAEL (mid 40’s, athletic, it is obvious they are sisters). Marin is really going for it, Rachael is having a hard time keeping up.
CHANGE: Marin fiercely cuts through the water on her paddleboard as Rachael, mid 40’s, a younger carbon-copy of her sister, struggles to keep up.
4. Marin is in the middle of a very challenging, precise workout. She is in outstanding shape, her form and technique are impeccable. The exercise room is pristine, every little thing has its proper place. On the walls are pictures of Marin receiving awards and honors as well as an impressive display of certificates and diplomas.
CHANGE: Marin moves with skill and precision through her grueling workout. Her body and workout room reflect her discipline and focus. Awards and certificates abundantly displayed.
5. Jim and Marin sit on the couch looking a bit worn out. This is not as easy or as fun as they thought. Marin has a clipboard and is looking over her notes when the doorbell rings.
CHANGE: Jim and Marin drained of their earlier enthusiasm take refuge on the couch. “What have we done?” written all over their faces. The doorbell rings, Jim quickly rallies. Marin, doubtful, grabs her clipboard and takes a deep breath.
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Amy’s Visuals
What I learned doing this assignment is that carefully chosen words make your script a much more interesting read.
Pick one of your favorite scripts and make a list of the descriptive words/phrases they use over 10 to 20 pages:
· Battered
· Ex-giant
· Unprepossessing
· Wooly
· Messy
· Bouncy
· Optimistic
· Bright faced
· fabulous
Part Two: Look back through your last few assignment scenes. Pick out 5
descriptive sentences you can improve.
1. Tom walks by and gives her a startled look. Matt rushes in. IMPROVEMENT: Tom stops cold in front of her, alarmed. Matt charges in.
2. Andrea starts to walk towards the news van with Matt, then stops abruptly and turns towards the parked cars. IMPROVEMENT: Andrea trudges towards the news van with Matt, then stops abruptly and redirects herself towards the parked cars.
3. Andrea starts to get up from the makeup chair. Joannie runs in with papers in her hand. IMPROVEMENT: Andrea rises from the makeup chair just as Joannie bounds in with papers in her hand.
4. She walks over to the couch and picks up the note and walks out of the room with it. IMPROVEMENT: She takes large strides over to the couch and scoops up the note. She disappears out of the room with it.
5. Andrea comes back and grabs the blanket off the back of the couch and lays down to go to sleep. She closes her eyes. IMPROVEMENT: Andrea reappears and snatches the blanket off the back of the couch. She plops down, wraps herself in the blanket and shutters her eyes.
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Armand Visuals
What I learned…
There are four levels of description:
1. Describe what we see on the screen: setting, characters, action, events.
2. Deliver tone, attitude, emotion.
3. Imply more than what’s said.
4. Give us insights into the characters, their relationships, and the story.
BASICS OF SCREENPLAY DESCRIPTION
A. Write in the present tense. The movie is unfolding right in front of them.
B. Be economical. Describe only what is necessary to tell the story.
C. Limit your description to one to four lines.
D. Convey the essence of what’s happening on the screen. Not the details. In conveying the essence, look for what matters to the script. Then describe that in as few words possible.
E. Make every word count. Always asking “Is there a better way to express this?”
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Part One
THE SOCIAL NETWORK (13 pages)
Masks a very complicated and dangerous anger, takes a drag and blows the smoke out, and with that stinger, a fuse has just been lit, busts out of the bar, continues on, passes, stride continues, busts into, heads up the stairs, fingers dance easily on the keyboard – like a Juilliard pianist warming up, hitting a bong, trots down, holding back, flying at super-speed on Mark’s computer screen have been commands and images that the rest of us can’t possibly understand, cascade into one another.
Part Two
Maddie enters and locks the door behind the door. She’s freaking out. Tyler comes in through the wall.
TO: Maddie storms into the library, locking the door behind her. She freaks out like she’s seen a ghost. And she just has. Tyler glides in through the wall.
Maddie screams as she sees Tyler.
TO: Maddie gapes at the sight of Tyler’s ghost. She screams.
She grabs a book and throws it at Tyler as he approaches her. The book hits Tyler!
TO: She launches a book attack against Tyler as he advances towards her. The book smacks Tyler’s face!
Tyler walks to the wall, slamming his face against it and dropping backwards.
Tyler rams into the wall, dropping backwards.
Maddie SLAPS HIM hard. She realizes the Tyler from that night 20 years ago is really in front of her.
Maddie smacks him on the face, accepting the Tyler she remembers is right in front of her eyes.
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<div>Pablo’s Vivid Visuals</div>
What I learned: The beauty of screenwriting is mastering the skill of brevity. How to say more with less. Direct and to the point but while still keeping it poetic and fluid. I think that’s what I like the most about screenplays.
Part 1. The Post screenplay
Gingerly, strobing light of gunfire, hustling, clustered, a flicker of fear, waspy-worn, stuffy, gliding, fastidiously tucking into breakfast, scrutinizing The New York Times, Ben fumes, rumpled, library tan, a constant soundtrack of typewriters, Ben bulldozes towards his office, Ben digests the article, Very cat who ate the canary
Part 2.
1.The group begins to show worry.
Change to: The crowd begins to fuss.
2. Irma sprays and wipes surfaces around the house as an old tube television plays reruns of Jeopardy in the living room.
Change to: Irma nimbly sweeps as the warm hum of the tube television, practically an antique, plays reruns of Wheel Of Fortune.
3. Irma takes a moment to gather herself before she picks up the magnets off the floor.
Change to: As the dust settles, Irma cleans up the remnants of their daily domestic dispute.
4. They approach the cashier, pudgy middle-aged man. Irma rummages through her purse for the check.
Change to: They stumble over to the cashier, a bullfrog in a wrinkled uniform. Irma delves into her purse fishing for the elusive check.
5. Frightened, he hurries the group ahead of him, women and children mostly.
Change to: He hastily shepherds a small flock of mostly women and children ahead of him.
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Janeen’s Visuals
What I learned is it only takes a minute to make description more interesting and more on point.
Part 1: From Notting Hill:
Exquisite footage of Anna Scott; an ideal; the perfect star and woman; her life filled with glamour and sophistication and mystery.
carrying a load of bread; It is spring.
It’s a full fruit market day.
A man in denims exits the tattoo studio.
The most divine, subtle, beautiful woman on earth.
picks out a quite smart coffee table book.
approaches a man in slightly ill-fitting clothes
Part 2:
1. OLD – Morgan follows, stopping just outside the gates.
NEW – Morgan’s car creeps as far as the villa’s gates.
2. OLD – Each member is employed in a fiber art such as spinning (electric or other treadle wheel), weaving on a portable loom, knitting, crocheting, embroidery, etc.
NEW – Each guild member is surrounded by the paraphernalia and detritus other craft as they turn fiber into fantastic items
3. OLD – BRIDGET is middle-aged, always moving and sure she knows best. She operates the local women’s shelter and does a lot of charity knitting and crocheting to help her clients.
NEW – BRIDGET, middle-aged, in perpetual motion and confident she has superior knowledge about everything, knits and crochets practical items for the families in the women’s shelter she operates.
4. OLD – MORGAN enters and settles into a vacant spot, taking out her current project while spilling her version of why she’s late.
NEW – MORGAN slinks to a chair in the circle of crafters, whipping out her project and spilling out excuses for her tardiness.
5. OLD – She has her project out and begins working on it. Cinda looks pointedly at Morgan.
NEW – Morgan’s fingers fly, her eyes riveted on her work. Cinda’s stare bores a hole in her.
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Emmanuel’s Visuals
What I learned doing this assignment is enhancing visuals in scene descriptions is a tool to master. Picking the right concrete noun and action verb, and adding metaphors, slight exaggeration and comparison is a skill set to master.
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Jodi’s Visuals – Day 7
Descriptive words, phrases, and imaginative visuals became clearer to me when doing the first exercise. In the second exercise, going back through assignments and looking to improve five sentences with concrete nouns, action verbs, metaphors, exaggeration and comparisons helped me to think beyond my first impulse in writing, and to think of how to use the tools learned. Wrestling with this exercise really helped the descriptions become more powerful, I’m glad I didn’t give up and worked through it.
First exercise:
Descriptions from one of my favorite movies: ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
A lone figure stands , A distant rumble of thunder and a threat of rain in the air, tires swishing,
CLOSER on JUDE. He’s 23, his long sixties haircut curling over his collar.
As the truck picks up speed the wind blows his hair and the road recedes behind him.
The MUSIC is a jangly, nerve-tingling metal thrash version of ‘Helter Skelter’. ~
The images are violent and confrontational, the screen filled with protest and anger and the Chicago Days of Rage. Students are repulsed by rifle butts leaving bodies bruised and bloodied. Screams of panic as a tank rumbles into view, We’re looking down the long barrel of its cannon as it swivels, parting the crowd, who run for cover.
LUCY wears thrift store clothes and a woolen hat. CAMERA moves in tighter on her petrified face.
…the dance, the floor packed with other couples holding each other tight. The wall flowers stand around the edge holding glasses of fruit punch and wondering when someone will ask them. . .
The four man band on stage are only a little older than the students and look like they play bar mitzvahs as well as High School hops
The ballroom is packed with couples of all ages; smoke, sweat, and cheap perfume.
The old school Dance band, in tuxes and frilly shirts will soon be swept aside by the tide of pop and discos.
The glitter ball throws patterns of light over the flushed faces.
The girls wear pencil skirts and black eyeliner, the guys sharp three-button suits with peg-top pants. The
clingers cling, the jivers jive.
Molly has her arm linked in Jude’s as he walks her home on a cold, winter night.
…with terraced houses and empty milk bottles on the doorsteps.
She breaks away as her eyes tear up.
The bang and clang of the shipyard fades as the siren signals the end of the day. The riveters and welders put down their tools. In a last flare of sparks, a Worker turns off his acetylene torch.
CYRIL, a gnarled old fellow who speaks with the thick ‘Scouse’ accent of people from the ‘Pool.
PHIL, a gangly lad with red hair protests behind him: Move it along! Some of us are thirsty and the pubs been open five minutes!
As their husbands arrive, the weekly ritual takes place: the women tear open the pay packets, give the men a pound and head home. The men make for the pub.
It’s a street of friendship and familiarity, forged out of hard times.
She’s not yet forty, but life’s not been easy and it shows.
Jude puts the clothes into a backpack. His wall is covered in charcoal and pencil drawings, street scenes, his mother. He’s got some talent.
He finds a black and white photograph: a younger Martha in the arms of a young man in a uniform of the U.S.
Air Force.
Jude kisses Molly good night against the back door of her house: She breaks away. He tries to reassure her.
Lucy’s letter with stick~on hearts either side of her scrawled signature.
Sweethearts are forgotten as the young guys whistle and holler. The girls respond with good-natured waves as the truck moves away and the soldiers whistles fade on the breeze.
PRUDENCE is an Asian-American. She looks at the world with anxious, startled eyes. Prudence leaves
the bleachers and walks past the squad.. She might as well be invisible.
All she gets is a languid toss of her head.
Were you stationed near Liverpool during the war? With the Air Force? . .
WES: I was, yeah. Had a great.time in jolly-old.
Wes winces. This is a painful conversation.
Golf balls ping off the portico and roof and bounce into the road. Bulls-eye, a window is broken! A cheer from the distant rooftop.
Lights go on, angry faces appear on the second story balcony. Bull-necked jocks.
Suddenly a spotlight scythes through the darkness from the rival Frat House balcony~ Their startled faces are captured in its beam.
Second exercise:
Original:
Elizabeth and Mary AHEARN, another bereaved Mother, walk into Police Headquarters and approach the front desk being operated by SERGEANT MANNING, she is the loyal watchful eyes and ears of the department, she recognizes Elizabeth.
Edited:
Elizabeth and Mary AHEARN, another bereaved Mother, walk into Police Headquarters with a chip on their shoulders, they approach the front desk being operated by SERGEANT MANNING, who is the loyal watchful eyes and ears of the department. The Sergeant sees Elizabeth and picks up the phone receiver, feigning a conversation. Mother’s are grizzly bears when it comes to their babies, you don’t want to mess with them.
Original:
Standing room only in the women’s holding cell. They are still riled up. Women who were not at the protest also chime in.
Edited:
It’s standing room only in the women’s holding cell. They are still riled up like a football team winning the super-bowl. High fiving and slapping butts with congratulations, feeling like they can conquer the world. Their excitement is contagious as women who were not at the protest also chime in.
Original:
Elizabeth is sitting on the couch. She looks despondent staring at a blank television screen.
Edited:
Elizabeth who is sitting on the couch looks despondent. She is staring at a blank television screen which reflects her feelings. The battle for her soul is unrelenting and she is losing.
Original:
Pam leaves as Elizabeth sighs heavily into Charles chest then she walks over to the mini bar and grabs a full bottle of Vodka. She holds it close to her while unscrewing the lid. She starts chugging it as fast as she can.
Edited:
Pam leaves as Elizabeth sighs heavily into Charles chest then she walks over to the mini bar and grabs a full bottle of Vodka. She holds it close to her like a long lost friend. She unscrews the lid and starts chugging it as fast as she can as if she had just walked the Sahara desert without a canteen.
Original:
Sounds of pleasure are pouring out from the broom closet, TIFFANY and BRAD are in the midst of a passionate moment.
Edited:
Sounds of pleasure are pouring out from the
broom closet, like two dogs in heat. TIFFANY
and BRAD are in the midst of a passionate moment, they have hit the mountain
peak. The sounds of the church organ
bring them back down to earth.
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