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Day 7 Assignment
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Ian Greenham: Day 7: Find Your Script’s Entertainment Value
Quite as expected, the high scenes were those involving significant surprises, while the low scenes were those of a transitional nature, i.e. just carried the story forward.
What surprised me? Perhaps I was a harsh marker, but I was surprised by the dearth of high ratings and the prevalence of low ratings.
SCENE SUMMARY (A.K.A. BEAT SHEET)
Title: Catch Her If You Can
Genre: Romantic Drama
Concept: A gay private investigator is asked by her boss to track his wife, whom he believes is having an affair with another man, but when the investigator discovers that the wife is also gay, their relationship develops into something very different from what her boss had envisaged.
1. FADE IN
2. (E8) INT. LAUREN MILFORD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – EVENING
Lauren Milford, 33, comes in to her bedroom, and finds Cathy, her partner of 2 years, also 33, packing clothes into a suit case open on the bed. Cathy explains that she’s going to stay with her ex-husband to comfort him after his girlfriend moved out.
3. (E8) INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Cathy leaves without saying good-bye.
4. (E4) INT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Lauren tells her dad that Cathy left. He’s sympathetic.
5. (E8) EXT. CAL AND SYLVIA KNIFTON’S HOUSE – DAY
Cal and Sylvia Knifton are leaving home in the morning to head off to work in their separate cars. He pleads with her to accompany him to a fundraiser that evening, but she refuses.
6. EXT. TWO STOREY OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
7. INT. TWO STOREY OFFICE BUILDING – CORRIDOR – DAY
8. (E3) INT. SYLVIA KNIFTON’S OFFICE – DAY
Sylvia, an architect, sits at her desk on her cell phone, calling a man named Cliff.
9. (E3) INT. COMMERCIAL OFFICE DEVELOPMENT – DAY
Inside a commercial office building under construction, the works manager, Cliff Milford, stands in the middle of a large open area on his cell phone with Sylvia.
10. (E3) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Sylvia arranges with Cliff to come by the site for an inspection tomorrow morning.
11. (E4) INT. ATTORNEY’S OFFICE – DAY
Cal Knifton’s attorney explains to him that if Sylvia commits an act of marital infidelity then their prenup is void, so she won’t be entitled to half of his assets.
12. INT. COMMERCIAL OFFICE BUILDING – ELEVATOR LOBBY – DAY
13. (E6) INT. KNIFTON AGENCY OFFICES – LAUREN’S OFFICE – DAY
Cal pops in to Lauren’s office and tells her he has a sensitive new case he’d like her to pick up, but he’ll have Mel drop in later to brief her on it.
14. (E7) INT. KNIFTON AGENCY OFFICES – LAUREN’S OFFICE – DAY
Mel drops in to Lauren’s office and tells her Cal suspects Sylvia of infidelity, and he’d like Lauren to track her to find evidence.
15. (E3) EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE CAL AND SYLVIA KNIFTON’S HOME – DAY
Lauren is waiting outside the Knifton’s home in her car to begin her surveillance of Sylvia when Cliff drives out and suggests she waits up the road on the other side of the house because of the way Sylva comes out. He drives off. Sylvia drives out and Lauren follows her.
16. EXT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
17. EXT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
18. (E3) EXT. RESIDENTIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
Lauren follows Sylvia to her office and then to a residential construction site, which Sylvia inspects.
19. (E6) INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Lauren watches Sylvia having lunch with three other women. Sylvia talks to one of them, Maddy, about her unhappy relationship with Cal. Maddy recommends she leave him.
20. INT. LAUREN’S CAR – DAY
21. EXT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE BUILDING – EVENING
22. EXT. CAL AND SYLVIA’S HOME – EVENING
23. INT. LAUREN’S CAR – EVENING
24. INT. CAL’S CAR – EVENING
25. (E4) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Lauren follows Sylvia for the rest of the day. At the end of the day Lauren is waiting in her car near Sylvia’s home when Cliff approaches in his. He calls Lauren on his cell phone for a report on the day’s surveillance. Lauren tells him there was nothing out of the ordinary.
26. (E3) INT. KNIFTON AGENCY OFFICES – MEL BRIDGE’S OFFICE – DAY
Lauren pops in to Mel’s office and tells him that after two weeks of tracking Sylvia she’s seen nothing out of the ordinary. Lauren is skeptical about whether anything is going on at all. Mel insists that Cliff will expect her to continue.
Mel asks Lauren how things are with her former roommate Cathy. Lauren explains that Cathy has moved back in with her ex-husband.
27. (E2) EXT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE BLOCK – DAY
Lauren’s surveillance of Sylvia continues.
28. (E7) EXT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
When Lauren follows Sylvia to a commercial construction site, she is surprised to find that the works foreman Sylvia is dealing with is Lauren’s father, Cliff.
Cliff and Sylvia obviously get on well, each having a healthy respect for the other’s professional abilities.
Two young workers observe the congenial conversation between their boss and the architect, Sylvia, and one of them speculates to the other that the boss must fancy her. The other replies that’s unlikely because the boss has previously said the “she walks on the other side of the street”.
29. EXT. CLIFF’S HOUSE – FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
30. INT. CLIFF’S HOUSE – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
31. (E8) INT. CLIFF’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Lauren visits her dad at home, and is unsettled when he tells her that he saw her at the site. She’s worried that Sylvia might have recognized her there too. Cliff reassures her that it was her car he recognized, not her, and suggests Sylvia would not know her car. Cliff asks Lauren why she’s trailing Sylvia. When Lauren tells him, he scoffs at the idea of Sylvia having an affair with another man, because, he says, without any judgment or condemnation “she belongs to your club”. When Lauren asks Cliff how he can be so sure, he replies that he has a good instinct about these things because Lauren’s mother was gay. Lauren is very surprised, particularly when Cliff goes on to tell her that her mother had a longstanding relationship with Aunty Rose – not really her aunt – who took care of both her mother’s needs and Cliff’s.
32. EXT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE BLOCK – DAY
33. EXT. ANOTHER OFFICE BLOCK ELSEWHERE DOWNTOWN – DAY
34. (E2 EXT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE BLOCK – DAY
Lauren’s surveillance of Sylvia continues.
35. (E8) INT. KNIFTON AGENCY OFFICES – MEL BRIDGE’S OFFICE – DAY
Cal has learned from Sylvia that she’s aware of Lauren following her. Cal is pissed and wants Mel to terminate Lauren.
36. INT. LAUREN’S CAR – DAY
37. (E3) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Mel calls Lauren back to the office.
38. (E9) INT. CAFE BELOW KNIFTON AGENCY OFFICES – DAY
Mel gives Lauren an immediate termination letter.
39. EXT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – NIGHT
40. (E7) INT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Lauren tells her dad why she’s been fired. He’s surprised that Sylvia would have fingered her, because he thought Sylvia was such a decent type. Lauren responds that she doesn’t know what happened.
41. INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – DINING ROOM – NIGHT
42. INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
43. (E8) INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Sylvia calls at Lauren’s apartment to apologize over her having been fired. Sylvia said she knew because Lauren’s father had called her to tell her. Sylvia suggests there might be an opening for an accountant at her office. Lauren thanks her politely but shows no sign at this stage of wanting to follow up.
44. INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
45. INT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
46. (E5) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Lauren calls her dad to thank him for his intervention with Sylvia.
47. INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – ENTRANCE LOBBY – DAY
48. INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – DAY
49. (E9) INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – ENSUITE – DAY
Lauren is surprised to come home to find Cathy showering in her bathroom.
50. (E7) INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – DAY
Cathy apologizes for intruding but pleads she had nowhere else to go after things didn’t work out again with her ex-husband. Her brother’s new girlfriend has moved in with him, so she couldn’t go there, and she couldn’t go home to her parents because they were disgusted with her after she’d moved in with Lauren.
Lauren gives Cathy two days to find somewhere else, but Cathy pleads to be accepted back. Lauren is firm in her refusal.
51. (E5) INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – DINING ROOM – DAY
Lauren is folding copies of her resume into envelopes with job applications. Cathy comes in and Lauren reminds her firmly that she needs to find somewhere else to stay.
52. (E9) INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – DAY
Lauren wakes surprised to find Cathy in her bed cuddling her. Lauren jumps out of bed and tells Cathy it’s not on.
53. (E7) EXT. CAL KNIFTON’S HOME – NIGHT
Cal arrives home and notices Sylvia’s car parked in the street, with two suit cases in the back seat.
54. (E7) INT. CAL KNIFTON’S HOME – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
When he gets inside, Sylvia tells him she’s leaving. After a heated discussion, she goes.
55. INT. CAL KNIFTON’S HOME – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
56. (E6) EXT. CAL KNIFTON’S HOME – FRONT GARDEN – NIGHT
Sylvia leaves.
57. (E4) INT. OFFICE SUITE LOBBY – DAY
Lauren arrives for a job interview with a firm of financial advisors.
58. (E3) INT. PREMINO AND RENTON’S OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
The interview is promising.
59. INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – DAY
60. INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – DINING ROOM – DAY
61. INSERT – THE CARD READS
62. (E5) BACK TO SCENE
Lauren arrives home to find Cathy gone. She is relieved. Cathy has left her a vase of fresh flowers with a thank you note.
63. EXT – COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
64. INT. COMMERCIAL BUILDING UNDER CONSTRUCTION – DAY
65. INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
66. EXT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
67. (E4) EXT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
Sylvia goes for a routine inspection again at Lauren’s dad’s work site. Cliff tells Sylvia that Lauren has a new job, and suggests she get in touch with Lauren again because he’s sure she would be happy to hear from her.
68. INT. – LAUREN’S OFFICE – DAY
69. INT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE AT WORK – DAY
70. (E4) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Sylvia calls Lauren to congratulate her on her new job. Sylvia invites Lauren for lunch to celebrate, because she’s feels so badly about being responsible for what happened to her at Knifton’s. Lauren accepts.
71. (E4) INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Lauren has made dinner for her father at home. Cliff once again mentions how nice he thinks Sylvia is. Lauren chides him for what she sees as his match making efforts. He laughs it off.
72. (E6) INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Lauren and Sylvia meet for lunch. There’s some discussion about what happened with Cathy and Cal respectively. Sylvia is subtle about it, but she obviously takes note of the fact that Lauren’s former partner was a woman.
73. (E4) EXT. OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT – DAY
Lauren and Sylvia farewell one another outside the restaurant, agreeing it would be nice to get together again.
74. (E3) EXT. STREET OUTSIDE A BAR – NIGHT
Sylvia and her friend Maddy approach a bar.
75. (E6) INT. BAR – NIGHT
Sylvia and Maddy reminisce about college days, when Maddy’s current partner, Cheryl, and Sylvia were a couple. Maddy tells Sylvia that Cheryl is pregnant. Sylvia tells Maddy she’s finally left Cal. Maddy offers her hearty congratulations.
76. (E3) INT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Cliff tells Lauren there’s to be a ribbon cutting ceremony to open his project next week, and invites her to come. She’s happy to accept.
77. (E5) INT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – NIGHT
At the ceremony, Lauren runs into Sylvia, who’s there in her capacity as the project’s architect. They agree to get together for dinner on Friday next week.
78. INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – NIGHT
79. (E5) INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
Cliff is at Lauren’s apartment tightening a loose hinge on her closet door. He tells her of his suspicions about safety standards being cut on his new job, and that he’s going to send a copy of the plans to Sylvia for her to check them.
80. (E4) INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Lauren and Sylvia have a pleasant dinner together. Sylvia invites Lauren back to her place for a nightcap.
81. (E4) INT. LAUREN’S CAR – NIGHT
Lauren follows Sylvia’s car to Sylvia’s apartment building.
82. EXT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
83. INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
84. (E6) INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
Sylvia and Lauren have a pleasant drink together. When Lauren is leaving, there is a mild contretemps when Sylvia begins to lean in to kiss her, but pulls back and apologetically says she forgets how “we do this”. Lauren is understanding and says that Sylvia will remember when she’s ready.
85. INT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE – DAY
86. (E5) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Sylvia receives a call from her boss, Malcolm Coleridge telling her that Ken Reynolds, from the firm’s construction attorneys, is in his office discussing the plans she got from Cliff Milford. Reynolds invites Sylvia to join them.
87. (E6) INT. MALCOLM COLERIDGE’S OFFICE – DAY
Reynolds explains that as far as his inquiries have been able to go so far, there is no indication that the plans for the new job Cliff Milford is working on were ever approved by the Town Planning Office. He notes that the implication of that is that any insurance coverage on the project would be voided.
Sylvia enquires about the implication of that for approval for occupancy of the building once it’s finished. Reynolds replies that it would be a problem, but he expects the developer would slip some money across the table to someone at the Town Planning Office to take care of that.
88. (E7) INT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – 1<sup>ST</sup> FLOOR – DAY
Cliff discovers a large crack in the ceiling of the building under construction. He urges his workers to go outside while he is to go upstairs to investigate.
89. (E10) INT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – 2<sup>ND</sup> FLOOR – DAY
When Cliff goes upstairs to investigate, the floor collapses and he disappears in the dust and rubble.
90. (E7) EXT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
The two workers, alarmed by the collapse, go back into the building to search for Cliff.
91. (E8) INT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – 1<sup>ST</sup> FLOOR – DAY
The two workers find Cliff unconscious and dial 911.
92. (E8) EXT. COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
Cliff is taken away in an ambulance.
93. INT. SYLVIA’S OFFICE – DAY
94. INT. CHARGE DESK AT ST. MARGARET’S HOSPITAL – DAY
95. (E5) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Sylvia receives an inquiry from a sister at St. Margaret’s hospital about Cliff Milford’s next of kin.
96. INT. LAUREN’S OFFICE – DAY
97. (E6) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Sylvia calls Lauren to alert her about the call from the hospital.
98. INT. LAUREN’S OFFICE – DAY
99. (E7) INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
The sister calls Lauren to tell her that her dad has been in an accident at work and been admitted to the hospital.
100. INT. LAUREN’S CAR – DAY
101. EXT. ST. MARGARET’S HOSPITAL – PUBLIC CARPARK – DAY
102. INT. ST. MARGARET’S HOSPITAL – FIRST FLOOR – DAY
103. (E5) INT. ST. MARGARET’S HOSPITAL – FOURTH FLOOR – DAY
Lauren drives to the hospital and is directed to the fourth floor.
104. (E6) INT. ST. MARGARET’S HOSPITAL – ROOM 412 – DAY
Lauren is relieved to find her dad conscious and essentially okay. While she’s there, Sylvia arrives and confirms that her review of the plans Cliff sent her did indicate that there had been shortcuts on the safety measures. A doctor comes in and tells Cliff that now Lauren has arrived, she can take him home.
105. EXT. ST. MARGARET’S HOSPITAL – ENTRANCE – DAY
106. (E7) EXT. ST. MARGARET’S HOSPITAL – PUBLIC CARPARK – DAY
Lauren and Sylvia escort Cliff to Lauren’s car. Lauren sees him into the front passenger seat.
Lauren thanks Sylvia for coming. There’s a mild contretemps when Lauren attempts some physical intimacy at their parting. They agree to get together another day for lunch.
107. (E6) INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Sylvia talks to her friend Maddy about how much she likes Lauren.
108. (E5) EXT. PUBLIC PARK NEAR CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – DAY
Lauren tells her dad she thinks Sylvia is holding back. He counsels her to be patient.
109. (E8) INT. SYLVIA KNIFTON’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Cal calls at Sylvia’s apartment, without prior notice, “to go over a few things”.
110. (E6) INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Cal lays out on the dining table some papers he wants Sylvia to sign in connection with their impending divorce. Sylvia wants time to review them. Their meeting is interrupted when her intercom rings.
111. (E6) INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Cal leaves.
112. (E8) INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT BUILDING – ELEVATOR LOBBY – NIGHT
Cal runs into Lauren in the lift lobby. There’s a testy exchange. Sylvia greets Lauren at the doorway of her apartment. They exchange kisses on the cheek.
113. (E6) INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The mood between Lauren and Sylvia becomes tense after Lauren asks Sylvia if she thinks Cal came over to try to make up. Sylvia says she must look over the papers Cal brought. Lauren gets up to leave.
114. (E7) INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
There’s no physical contact between the two as Lauren leaves.
115. (E5) INT. MEL BRIDGES’ OFFICE – DAY
Cal asks Mel why he thinks Lauren would have been at Sylvia’s apartment. He’s worried Lauren might give Sylvia information to help her with the divorce settlement.
116. (E5) INT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Lauren tells her dad that she thinks Sylvia is holding back.
117. EXT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – FRONT PORCH – NIGHT
118. INT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
119. (E6) INT. CLIFF MILFORD’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Rose Crawford comes to visit Cliff. He tells her about Lauren’s issues with Sylvia.
120. (E5) INT. SYLVIA KNIFTON’S OFFICE – DAY
Rose calls Sylvia to ask her if they could talk.
121. (E4) INT. GROCERY STORE – DAY
Sylvia calls Rose back and invites her home for a chat.
122. INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
123. INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
124. EXT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT BUILDING – FRONT ENTRANCE – NIGHT
125. INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – ENTRANCE HALL – NIGHT
126. (E7) INT. SYLVIA’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Rose calls on Sylvia and talks to her about Lauren’s mom. This makes Sylvia feel a lot more comfortable about herself.
127. INT. CLIFF’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
128. (E7) INT. CLIFF’S HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Rose reports back to Cliff on his meeting with Sylvia. They go to bed together.
129. (E10) INT. LAUREN MILFORD’S OFFICE – DAY
Sylvia calls at Lauren’s office. They kiss without restraint.
130. INT. ROSE CRAWFORD’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
131. INT. – ROSE CRAWFORD’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
132. (E7) INT. ROSE CRAWFORD’S HOUSE LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Rose, Cliff, Lauren and Sylvia all have dinner together at Rose’s house.
133. FADE OUT
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Bob’s Scene Ratings
What I learned during this assignment is that high ratings are rare and I’ll to dog deeper to make these more entertaining. What surprised me was the low ratings assigned to interactions with the psychiatrist. I’ll need to do some work on his scenes.
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
1. (E7) Amanda and Martin Cole rush to celebrate their anniversary on Thanksgiving Day 1987 in New York. Caught up in the parade, Amanda almost gets hit by a Snoopy balloon and is saved by Martin while the NBC broadcasters comment on the event.
2. (E7) Amanda and Martin celebrate their tenth anniversary at the Stardust Diner where up and coming Broadway hopefuls sing show tunes between waiting on tables. Martin gives Amanda opening night tickets to Phantom of the Opera. Amanda speaks of soulmates while Martin gets a feeling of déjà vu from the used pocket watch she gives him. Amanda posits that it would be nice if they could meet in every life.
3. (E5) Martin discusses reincarnation with his college buddy and co-worker David. David ribs Martin about his relationship with Amanda. They speculate on whether or not one could direct their souls in a future life.
4. (E5) Amanda is at work at the Museum of Modern Art with her best friend Carol. They are putting together a display that features soulmates and twin flames and includes a painting entitled “Love of Souls.” They too speculate on soulmates. Amanda is sure Martin is her soulmate; Carol is sure that she missed her soulmate this life with her husband, Jack.
5. (E7) Amanda and Martin are at a miniature golf course on date night. Most of the other patrons are demonstrating they are not soulmates. Martin tells Amanda he has engaged a psychiatrist to train them to recognize each other in future lives.
6. (E5) Martin and Amanda drive to New York from their suburban home. Along the way they pass the pawn shop where Amanda bought the anniversary present for Martin and signs for the opening of Phantom of the Opera. Martin drives poorly in the tunnel foreshadowing events to come.
7. (E3) Martin and Amanda meet Dr. Volger who explains the training process and its eastern religion basis. Martin and Amanda agree to undergo the process.
8. (E4) David kids Martin about being taken by the psychiatrist. Martin shows signs of being “sensitive.”
9. (E5) Dr. Volger meets Martin and Amanda at the Greenwich Village church where they were married. He informs them that training requires them to visit spots that were special in their relationship.
10. (E9) Montage of special spots to music.
· Jersey Shore – splashing in the surf. Martin carries Amanda out of the water.
· Seaside Heights Boardwalk – Martin wins a stuffed blue bear for Amanda by putting a softball in a large jug. Amanda hugs the bear close to her.
· Central Park Lake – Martin and Amanda canoe on the lake.
· McSorley’s Old Ale House – Martin, two ales in hand, guards the door to the unisex bathroom while several desperate male patrons protest. Amanda comes out and Martin hands her an ale.
· Toyota Corolla at Night – Martin and Amanda in a clutch. Martin fixes her hair behind her ear.
· New York City Street Cart – Martin buys a New York pretzel and feeds Amanda.
· Bronx Zoo – Martin and Amanda ride an elephant.
· Madison Square Garden – Martin and Amanda enjoy a rock concert as the music concludes.
11. (E5) Martin and Amanda host a Christmas party with David and his wife, Margie and Carol and her husband, Jack. Couples discuss Dr. Volger’s latest requirement that the couple select totems that remind them of each other. Amanda reveals she chose the pocket watch since it has already been through multiple lives with them.
12. (E3) Later at night, Martin reveals his selection for Amanda – the stuffed bear he won for her.
13. (E4) Dr. Volger hypnotizes Martin and Amanda and trains them to meditate on their totems.
14. (E7) Amanda has coffee with Carol. Amanda is skeptical about the training process but doesn’t want to end it for Martin’s sake. A street gypsy comes to the table and warns them not to mess with destiny.
15. (E4) Martin and Amanda get ready to see Phantom of the Opera.
16. (E6) Martin and Amanda leave the theater after the Phantom. They playfully contemplate getting a room and staying in the city just as their car is delivered and they head home to Jersey as the snow is falling.
17. (E9) Martin drives badly through the Lincoln Tunnel. The car gets into an accident and rolls over. Martin and Amanda are killed. (End of Act One)
18. (E1) Establishing the jump to the future.
19. (E4) Jeff Ash (Martin reincarnate) is approached by his best friend Matt to come out with him for a few beers. Jeff is reluctant but Matt insists.
20. (E9) Jeff and Matt at the bar. It is unusually full and packed mostly with women. Another group of women including Rebecca Diamond (Amanda Cole reincarnate) and her best friend and protector, Gwen, arrive. Rebecca is a bit tipsy and trips in front of Jeff. Jeff catches her but before they can really talk, Gwen calls Rebecca over – it’s her bachelorette party. Jeff is totally taken in by Rebecca – he must get to know her. Any move he was going to make is interrupted by the DJ who announces its ladies’ night, and an all-male review is about to start. To meet Rebecca, Jeff steels his nerves with more beer and ends up stripping for her. Gwen, seeing what’s happening cuts it off and moves Rebecca to the seat of honor for the male review.
21. (E2) Jeff wakes up in Matt’s apartment with a hangover and tells Matt he has to find Rebecca.
22. (E6) At the same sidewalk café where Amanda and Carol discussed the future. Gwen shows Rebecca a YouTube video of Jeff dancing at her bachelorette party. Rebecca thinks it’s cute as it cuts to:
23. (E7) Matt and other employees are watching the same YouTube video in the conference room as Jeff enters. Matt hurries to shut off the video. Jeff grabs the remote to see what was on as everyone else snickers and slinks out of the room. Jeff is about to shut off the video when Rebecca’s image lights up the screen.
24. (E3) Jeff is searching the Internet to try to find the wedding venue for Rebecca.
25. (E6) Rebecca discusses her bachelorette party with her wealthy fiancé, Ken. Ken gives her a painting for a wedding gift. It’s the “Love of Souls.”
26. (E4) Jeff and Matt practice ice hockey. Jeff can’t focus. Matt agrees to help Jeff find Rebecca so she can tell Jeff to get lost.
27. (E6) Matt gets the receipt from the bachelorette party. To get the receipt, Matt promises the bartender that Jeff will dance at the next male review night. The party was paid for by Gwen. The address she left was for her law firm.
28. (E3) Jeff goes to confront Gwen and ask to meet Rebecca. Jeff finds out that Rebecca is a lawyer also and that she is in court.
29. (E7) Jeff goes to the courthouse where Rebecca is obtaining a restraining order for one of her clients. The reasons cited are all things Jeff will attempt later. Jeff asks Rebecca to have a cup of coffee with him and she agrees.
30. (E6) Jeff tells Rebecca she is his soulmate. Rebecca tells Jeff that her soulmate is Ken and says goodbye.
31. (E4) Matt tries to convince Jeff to give it up.
32. (E3) Jeff takes a walk to clear his head. He passes the Majestic Theater where Phantom of the Opera is still running and finds himself in front of the pawn shop. He is drawn in.
33. (E2) Jeff sees the pocket watch (which had been returned to the pawn shop) and asks to see it. When he touches it:
34. (E6) Flashback Montage
· Broadway and 51<sup>st</sup> Street – Martin and Amanda with Snoopy bearing down on them.
· Martin and Amanda in front of their fireplace.
· Greenwich Village Church as Martin and Amanda marry.
· Martin and Amanda making love. The stuffed bear totem staring down at them.
· Dr. Volger’s office. The bear is in Martin’s hand as he comes out of a trance. He looks up and sees Dr, Volger’s nameplate.
· Inside the Lincoln Tunnel in a car that is spinning, spinning.
35. (E1) Jeff buys the pocket watch.
36. (E4) Jeff finds Dr. Volger, older but recognizable, and convinces Dr. Volger to regress him. After Jeff’s vision, Dr. Volger remembers Jeff as Martin. (Midpoint)
37. (E4) Dr. Volger gives Jeff details on Martin and Amanda.
38. (E6) Matt helps Jeff track down information on Martin and Amanda at the New York Public Library. A quirky librarian intermittently helps and hinders the research.
39. (E6) Jeff and Matt go to New Jersey to speak to the new owners of the old Cole house. The new owners provide information on Amanda’s mother and Martin’s father in exchange for having Jeff and Matt do some of their chores.
40. (E5) Jeff meets Amanda’s mother, Linda, now eighty-five and living in a retirement home. Linda has the stuffed bear totem and gives it to Jeff.
41. (E7) Jeff sees Rebecca and tries to get her to go see Amanda’s mother. She refuses and calls him a stalker. Jeff tries to get her to take and touch the bear totem. Rebecca grabs it and throws it in the street. On the phone, Matt has been imploring Jeff to get to the office for an important presentation.
42. (E3) Jeff is looking for more from Dr. Volger. He learns the firm Martin worked for has moved to Jersey.
43. (E5) Jeff tricks his way in to meet David who is now CEO. Jeff tries to convince David that he is Martin reincarnated. David doesn’t initially believe him, but Jeff knows things that only Martin would know.
44. (E3) Over lunch, David agrees to meet Rebecca and suggests they bring Carol.
45. (E6) Jeff waits for Rebecca and gets her to meet David and Carol. No memories are triggered. Rebecca asks David to see to it that Jeff stops stalking her.
46. (E6) Rebecca asks Ken if he is her soulmate. Ken says she’s having pre-wedding jitters. Rebecca says she will spend the night before the wedding at Gwen’s apartment.
47. (E5) Jeff has been fired. Matt consoles him. Time to move on.
48. (E5) Jeff visits Martin’s father Stanley and offers him the pocket watch. Stanley tells him to keep it and find his own Amanda.
49. (E6) Jeff arrives at the retirement home to give the bear totem back to Linda and sees Rebecca coming out of Amanda’s mother’s room. Rebecca says she decided to see for herself, but meeting Amanda’s mother didn’t trigger any memories.
50. (E4) Matt tells Jeff he found out where the rehearsal is, and they can crash it if Jeff wants. Jeff laments that maybe Rebecca isn’t his soulmate; maybe Amanda wasn’t either. Matt says Rebecca is probably realizing she is Jeff’s soulmate right now and dumping Ken.
51. (E8) Rebecca and Ken make fierce passionate love. Rebecca asks Ken if he’ll do something silly for her.
52. (E7) Ken and Rebecca go to Dr. Volger’s office to see if they are soulmates. They talk while waiting for Dr, Volger and decide that this was not a good idea. They leave before Dr, Volger is available. Ken picks up one of Dr. Volger’s business cards.
53. (E8) Matt explains his theory of intersecting lives to Jeff based on Star Trek.
54. (E1) Ken has rented the Museum of Modern Art for the rehearsal dinner.
55. (E6) Back at the bar where he met Rebecca, a series of women are introduced to Jeff by Matt hoping to take his mind off Rebecca. Every time Jeff shakes a woman’s hand, Matt wants to know if there is recognition. One of the women is Sally, who Jeff quickly dismisses. As Jeff leaves the bar, he runs into Sally. Sally invites Jeff to her place for a coffee.
56. (E5) Rehearsal dinner in full swing at the museum with toasts to soulmates.
57. (E6) At Sally’s apartment, Sally and Jeff discuss reincarnation and the possibility of breaking up Rebecca and Ken. When Jeff says that won’t happen, Sally offers herself as a friend and says she’s been drawn to Jeff. Sally goes into how she believes she lived before and died in some sort of accident. This confuses Jeff and he leaves to get some air, promising to come back.
58. (E3) Jeff wanders finding himself ultimately in front of the:
59. (E7) Museum of Modern Art where the wedding party is leaving the museum. Rebecca walks toward Jeff, but Ken confronts him first. Rebecca stops him. Jeff apologizes to Rebecca and tells her that if she is his soulmate, he just wants her to be happy. (End of Act Two)
60. (E5) Jeff returns to Sally’s apartment. There are still no sparks or recognition, but he ponders. Maybe his pursuit of Rebecca was supposed to lead to Sally.
61. (E7) After the rehearsal dinner, Gwen and Rebecca eat from Ben and Jerry tubs. Gwen says Jeff was creepy, but Rebecca says he was kind of romantic. Gwen calls Rebecca by a pet name Jeff called her. Gwen is clearly a fan of Ken.
62. (E8) Jeff wakes up at Sally’s apartment after falling asleep on the sofa). Jeff fumbles through the kitchen to find coffee supplies and finds a pile of 3 x 5 index cards. The cards contain information about Martin and Amanda. Sally confesses she was paid five thousand dollars to convince Jeff that she, not Rebecca, was his soulmate. Jeff is convinced this type of money came from Ken Rivers. Sally makes one last effort to say maybe everything that happened was in a round about way meant to get them to meet. Jeff is convinced he must get Rebecca back.
63. (E2) Jeff wakes up Matt to help him find the wedding.
64. (E5) Jeff arrives at the church with Matt but is told the wedding was moved at the last minute. When questioned, the priest says an older gentleman donated a sizable sum and that the new location was a secret. The priest describes the man – it is Dr. Volger.
65. (E5) Jeff confronts Dr. Volger who confesses that Ken offered to fund his research if he provided information on Martin and Amanda Cole and promised not to reveal the location of the wedding. Dr. Volger will not go back on his word to Ken. Jeff convinces Dr.Volger it would be ethical if he hypnotized and progressed Jeff forward in this life so that he could see the location without being told. Dr, Volger agrees.
66. (E8) Flashforward visions. Jeff sees the church in his vision. Ken is in the vision, and he tells Jeff he will be too late to stop the wedding.
67. (E6) Rebecca and Gwen are in a limo approaching the church. They are blocked by the Thanksgiving Day parade. Rebecca and Gwen get out of the limo to walk the rest of the way.
68. (E8) Rebecca and Gwen get to the intersection. As the balloons go by, Rebecca sees a modern balloon morph into those from twenty-five years earlier. She starts to step off the curb as a Snoopy balloon barrels towards her. Gwen’s tug brings her back to reality.
69. (E2) Matt drives as he and Jeff head into the City.
70. (E2) Matt and Jeff rush through traffic toward the parade route.
71. (E2) Jeff jumps out of the car and heads to the church on foot.
72. (E6) Jeff arrives at the church. The wedding is in progress. Jeff shouts to stop the wedding. The bride and groom turn around to face him. It’s Ken and Gwen.
73. (E6) Jeff talks with Gwen. Rebecca realized Ken wasn’t her soulmate at the last minute and called off the wedding.
74. (E4) Matt asks Jeff what he plans to do. Jeff says he’ll give Rebecca some space so she can come to her own conclusion about being his soulmate.
75. (E8) Jeff sits at the table Martin and Amanda used to celebrate their anniversary twenty-five years ago. Jeff picks up the menu and hears a voice. It is Rebecca saying a line uttered by Martin from that day twenty -five years ago. Jeff gets up and Rebecca says she remembers.
76. (E6) Snoopy floats by as the reunited soulmates kiss. Snoopy appears to be smiling.
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Johnny Cullen’s Scene Ratings
What I learned from this was that I found ACT 1 beats were very strong ACT 2 Beats were much weaker and then the climax was strong but the final scenes needed work.
Title Emerald Fist
Genre: Heartwarming Comedy
Logline: An insecure influencer competes with his estranged half-sister to win prize money in a video game tournament to save his crooked step-father from prison.
STORY BEAT RATINGS
1 .(E9) ANIMATED SEQUENCE
We open on a dynamic intro to Video Game Emerald Fist. A fighting game about the old Celtic deities rising up to fight the evil St. Patrick. We pull out to reveal…
2. (E7) INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY
2002. Diarmuid playing Emerald Fist on a game console on his own. His mother walks in the doorway with Richard (your new dad!). He plays Emerald Fist with Diarmuid and obliterates. Him. “Your just not good enough pal”… Diarmuid’s face match cut to…
3. (E7) INT. GYMNASIUM. DAY
Diarmuid 20 years later running on a treadmill listening to a podcast about being an alpha male. He slips slams on the treadmill some has filmed it and tagged him on social. He’s kicked out – he reads his phone a text message from his agent to take part in the last minute branded social video. He accepts.
4. (E5) INT. APARTMENT. DAY
Diarmuid enters his apartment bragging to his roommates about his latest offer. They name check him on his bought followers. Diarmuid Enters his room trying on a series of T-shirts all one size too small for him. We pull out to reveal his room is a mess.
5. (E7) INT. STUDIO. DAY
Diarmuid enters the studio – successful influencer Kevin is there finishing up his lines. Diarmuid has an awkward encounter with him. The client of the branded content shoot calls out Diarmuid as the notorious cheat who bought all his followers and publicly humiliates him, Diarmuid nonetheless tries his best at the line delivery. Copying Kevin’s performance…
6. (E6) INT. LUAS. DAY
Diarmuid posts to Instagram on his successful “shoot” no reactions except his mum who reminds him it’s his estranged sister Maeve’s birthday today. Shit!
7. (E6) INT. GAMESTONKS. DAY
Diarmuid arrives at the GameStop store to buy Maeve a present. He notices an Emerald Fist game on the shelf. Reminds him of his childhood he purchases it.
8. (E9) INT. RICHARDS HOUSE. DAY
Diarmuid arrives at Maves birthday party but it is covered in crime tape and is in chaos. Richard is escorted by gardai wearing a party hat for what seems like fraud. Maeve’s friends are hysterical while she sits stoically playing her switch. Diarmuid and Maeve watch as Richard is taken away.
9. (E5) INT. GARDA STATION. NIGHT
Diarmuid consoles Maeve awkwardly. Richard is being interrogated and Diarmuid is called in. He is informed that Richard needs to gather €48,862 euro in the next two weeks or he will face a criminal conviction and prison time meaning that Diarmuid (as legal guardian) would be the sole custodian over Maeve. Richard won sole custody against Alice (cheating on him). Diarmuid has a panic attack and Richard ridicules him over it.
10. (E6) INT. DIARMUID’S HOUSE. DAY/NIGHT
Maeve moves into Diarmuid’s shared house. Diarmuid makes light of the events with a few jokes. Maeve takes the bed while Diarmuid takes the couch, she joins him. In the morning she wakes him for school – Diarmuid struggles to make her breakfast.
11. (E5) EXT. MAEVE’S SCHOOL. DAY
Diarmuid brings Maeve to school, he asks her to stay with her friends in the afternoon, she reveals she doesn’t have friends.
12. (E5) INT. DIARMUIDS LIVING ROOM DAY.
Diarmuid brainstorms with his housemate’s ways he can get cash – each suggestion is as bad as the last suggestion.
13. (E6) INT. DIARMUID’S BEDROOM DAY.
Diarmuid tries to apply for a loan and is rejected. He looks on social media – contacts Kevin from the shoot – (a successful entrepreneur for his company BUDDHA BANK) – He messages him and they agree to meet.
14. (E7) INT. SWANKY AIRBNB. DAY
Kevin adorned in buddha beads meets Diarmuid. He’s as patronising and ‘spiritual’ in equal measure as ever. Diarmuid asks for a loan of 50 and Kevins spits in his face.
15. (E5) EXT. SCHOOL. DAY.
Diarmuid picks Maeve up from school, they bond over their equally miserable days.
16. (E3) INT. DIARMUID’S ROOM DAY.
Diarmuid reluctantly calls his mother (who lives in Thailand with a new family) – She says Richard had it coming he’s a crook. Nothing she can do for him.
17. INT. DIARMUIDS LIVING ROOM DAY.
Maeve playing Emerald Fists enlists them as a team in the gaming competition to win 50K. She lets Diarmuid know. He’s ecstatic!
18. (E7) INT. DIARMUID’S LIVING ROOM. DAY
Diarmuid begins to train with Maeve teaching her about the myth of the lore of the game as well as the combos and mechanics of the game. They bond over this newfound enthusiasm to save Richard.
19. (E7) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE. DAY
Diarmuid visits Richard and tells him the plan. Richard is terrified, is certain hes going to jail. Diarmuid assures him thats not going to happen.
20. (E8) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE. DAY
We enter into the world of E-Sports, cosplayers and quirky types. Diarmuid is a fish out of water.
21. (E8) FIRST COMBATANTS
We see an Xfactor style montage of Riddhi and Zlata – Diarmuid and Maeve’s first combatants. Two kindred spirits who disobeyed their parents.
22. (E9) DIARMUID AND MAEVE VS. RIDDHI AND ZLATA
We enter into our first fight – dynamic action and hyper-stylised editing style. Diarmuid and Maeve lose and go into loser brackets.
23. (E8) ANIMATED GAME SEQUENCE
We see an animated sequence within the game. A hint about reconnecting with your younger self.
24. (E6) INSERT SCHMALTZY SEAN AND THERESA MONTAGE
We reveal a new Xfactor style montage of the next combatant’s Sean and Theresa it gets uncomfortably intimate.
25. (E7) DIARMUID AND MAEVE VS. SEAN AND THERESA
The two begin the fight but something’s up with Maeve. She runs to the bathroom mid-fight. Diarmuid follows her…
26. (E8) INT. BATHROOM DAY.
Maeve hides in the stall explaining that she has got her first period. Diarmuid congratulates her. They have a moment of connection. Maeve asks if he loves their mother – it’s a cutting question.
They awkwardly hug. Maeve texts their mother the good news.
27. (E3) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE. DAY
We return to the end of the match with Maeve and Diarmuid beating Sean and Theresa followed by another gaming subtextual message. Diarmuid realises Kevin and other influencers are here competing. They let him know about a famous Twitch streamer – get in with him and you get fame.
28. (E5) INT. TWITCH STREAM INTERVIEW.
Diarmuid wangles an interview with Twitch Streamers. They Confront him about his past humiliation. Diarmuid plays up his redemption, better man now here to compete – ignoring his half-sister.
29. (E5) ALICE COMES BACK AND TAKES MAEVE –
Alice returns to take Maeve back without Diarmuid knowing
30. (E4) DIARMUID DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR MAEVE
Diarmuid searches for Maeve or risks qualification. The next bout is delayed to the following day. Diarmuid runs to his mother’s house
31. (E7) INT. ALICE’S HOUSE. NIGHT
We see Maeve with Alice’s new family it’s awkward. You’ll be right at home here (put here in a creche) father is overly strict.
32. (E5) RICHARD TEXTS MAEVE
Richard calls Maeve and convinces her to tamper with her gaming pad otherwise he is going to prison.
33. (E6) MAEVE RESEARCHES TEMPERING WITH GAMING PADS
Maeve researches gaming pads and HOW TO WIN. She needs to get out of this house!
34. (E7) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE DAY.
Diarmuid watches Kevin trash talk Diarmuid ahead of their match on the Twitch stream calling him a loser and copycat.
35. (E4) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE DAY.
Kevin’s sponsors let him know he has to win the live stream fight for the brand or risk losing all sponsorship money.
36. (E8) EXT. ALICE HOUSE MORNING.
Diarmuid kidnaps Maeve to enter the fight the next day. (Live streamed will give him fame and revenge against Kevin)
37. (E4) INT. GARDA STATION. MORNING.
We see Richard, in a cell, ready to watch the live fight.
38. (E8) FIRST LIVE STREAMED FIGHT
We enter into the Live streamed fight. Diarmuid and Maeve are ready to fight Kevin and another influencer. It’s neck and neck. Twitch streamers notice something off. Alice is their to take back Maeve.
39. (E9) CLIMAX
An official suspends the game and suspects foul play. Diarmuid looks and Maeve, she’s terrified. The crowd now getting rowdy. Diarmuid realises he must take the blame to save face. He does. He’s booed! The cheater. Diarmuid and Maeve show each other a loving moment. They leave.
40. (E7) INT. GARDA STATION. DAY
Richard is livid. But also restrained – finally accepting his fate.
41. (E7) INT. COURTROOM. DAY
Richard sentence is read out – he looks like he’s about to do time – until his court case is paid for by someone…Alice! Richard walks with a suspended sentence. Diarmuid reconciles with his Mother.
42. (E5) INT. DIARMUIDS NEW HOUSE. DAY
Diarmuid and Maeve are streaming live on their new twitch channel. Richard is confused and tries to join in. It’s clear that Diarmuid is now looking after both of them. THE END.
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Janeen’s Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is that I still have information dumps where the dialogue and character traits need to be bumped up to make them more interesting.
My lowest rated scenes are just establishing shots — a few seconds. I’m not going to worry about those.
My highest rated scenes tended to be the action scenes and those with the dog. That’s to be expected since their sole purpose is to entertain (and, of course, tell the story, but they are designed to entertain).
The in between scenes — E4 – E7 — had more exposition and dialogue than others and could stand to have their dialogue pumped up and some more interesting “things” crop up in the scenes.
BEATS
ACT 1
1. (E6) INT. NICK’S APT – MORNING
Nick’s spartan apartment, the only bright spots are his tiny Christmas tree, the Santa suit, and Grizzly, his service dog.
2. (E9) EXT. WAR ZONE – DAY
Nick relives the failed military mission in the war zone where one of his men is killed.
3. (E9) INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS
Grizzly licks his ear to get him out of the war nightmare.
4. (E9) INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS
Nick’s dream morphs into a love scene with the beautiful woman from the mall, Ivy.
5. (E9) INT. NICK’S APT – CONTINUOUS
Grizzly notes that Nick is now relaxed and wakes him. Nick thanks/trusts Grizzly.
6. (E8) INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY – MORNING
Rudy and Holly are trying to get the mall Santa’s names from their CIA and social contacts. Ivy takes out a would-be attacker as a matter of course while escorting them down the hall.
7. (E5) INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS
Ivy continues her professional protection. The parents chide her about dating. She reminds them that the last six men she dated, many they set her up with, only wanted access to their son, the President.
8. (E4) INT. MALL – DAY
A rogue FBI agent disburses his men to their attack positions. Then he accompanies the President’s parents and their Secret Service agent (Ivy) in the mall. Ivy feels superior to him because the FBI didn’t detect the guy she just killed in the apartment hallway.
9. (E6) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick recognizes Ivy as the woman from his dream. Grizzly confirms it. Nick’s elf identifies the party as the President’s parents while Santa Nick deals with sticky-handed kids on his lap. Nick spots Danser with a gun following the parents.
10. (E5) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Danser shoots Ivy.
11. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick hears the shot, Grizzly verifies it’s real, he dumps the kid on his lap, loads up Grizzly in her helmets and runs toward the shot.
12. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick instinctively neutralizes the bad guys using a creche manger, sees Ivy is “dead”, takes the mall cop’s Segway for the parents and ties up the bad guys with Christmas tree lights — still attached to the trees.
13. (E8) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
The parents intimidate the mall cop sent by Nick to protect them as they careen slowly down the hall toward the exit.
14. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick exits the locker room with his go bag and Donner is waiting to shoot him. Nick breaks Donner’s arm drags Donner into the locker room.
15. (E9) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER
Nick tells his male elf there is a sick guy in the stall in back and runs with his go bag.
16. (E6) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
The parents continue hitting kiosks in the mall as they head to the exit on the Segway and discuss Ivy’s death, noting that she should have checked out Dasher and his men overnight and she would have known they were not legit.
17. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick defeats and ties up Pranzer using improvised weapons, items from mall kiosks.18. (E7) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Holly and Rudy careen into a few more kiosks and finally reach the mall door.
19. (E9) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER
Pranzer is bound by scarves and belts to a massage chair. Nick picks up his go bag and runs toward the exit.
20. (E9) INT. MALL – CONTINUOUS
Nick rounds a corner to find mammoth Blitzenkreig contemplating shooting the mall cop that is with the parents. Nick rolls Grizzly to safety and uses pottery and fighting skills to defeat Blitzenkreig.
21. (E9) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER
Blitzenkreig is tied with macrame plant hangers and Nick retrieves Grizzly from a kiosk worker. Nick runs out the mall door, keys in hand.
22. (E4) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER
Dasher gets loose, calls his FBI contact to put out an APB on Nick and finds his mercenaries.
23. (E6) INT. NICK’S CAR – MOMENTS LATER
Nick gets the parents in his car, hears the APB on Dasher’s radio for him, asks about Ivy, and Rudy decides he is trustworthy.
ACT 2
24. (E6) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER
Ivy is still buried in the plush dog pile and shoppers stare and shake their heads.
25. (E7) EXT. NICK’S CAR – DAY
Nick drives expertly away from the mall, dodging traffic, and finds out the parents clothes have trackers.
26. (E4) INT. MALL – MOMENTS LATER
Ivy regains consciousness and hears Dasher is going after Nick and the parents. She calls Joy at the SS, finds out where Nick lives and takes off after him.
27. (E9) INT. NICK’S SUV – DAY
Nick realizes they are being followed, does a daring car chase which wrecks the bad guys’ cars and decides he needs a new plan. He trusts his driving skills. Parents do too after they escape Dasher and his men.
28. (E6) INT. PARKING GARAGE – LATER
Nick pulls into the underground parking garage of an apartment complex, unloads the parents and his go bag, covers his car, telling the parents they are going to get rid of the trackers.
29. (E6) INT. DOG SITTING APT – DAY
Holly and Rudy think this is Nick’s apartment, but Nick pulls clothes from the owner’s closets and tells the parents he dog sits there. He asks if their undies have trackers.
30. (E5) INT. DOG SITTING APT – MOMENTS LATER
Nick returns with underwear, order the parents to change clothes and put everything in the bag. The APB now includes Nick’s car info.
31. (E3) EXT. CAR LOT – DAY
Nick buys a clunker that doesn’t have electronic tracking.32. (E6) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – DAY
Nick drives the clunker, the parents are in the back in ridiculous clothes and Nick reveals he’s taking them to his aunt’s cottage. He believes they will escape because they have no trackers, phones or GPS’s in the car that can be used to track them.
33, (E3) INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON
Interleave with phone call below.
34. (E5) INT. DASHER’S RENTAL SUV – AFTERNOON
On the phone, Dasher lies and says he has the parents. Intercut with Terrorist’s HQ, he tells his carload of mercenaries that they’ll have them soon since they know where they are holed up – Nick’s apartment.
35. (E3) INT. IVY’S CAR – AFTERNOON
Ivy calls Joy at the SS office to say she has tracked down Nick. She saw him buy the clunker, but loses him in traffic. She doesn’t know if she can trust Nick, but is following.
36. (E6) INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – AFTERNOON
Interleave with phone call below.
37. (E5) INT. WHITE HOUSE – AFTERNOON
Intercut a phone call as needed. Interrupting international negotiations, the terrorists call the president, make their demands. President demands proof of life.
38. (E4) INT. WHITE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
An aide who wants the negotiations to continue, tells the president that his parents are safe and the terrorists have his parents’ doubles. The FBI are all over it.
39. (E2) EXT. OPEN HIGHWAY – EVENING
Nick’s clunker flies down the highway.40. (E9) INT. DASHER’S RENTAL SUV – EVENING
Dasher, tracking the FBI radio that Nick has, follows him cross country, knowing the president’s parents must be alive and well.
41. (E6) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – NIGHT
The parents need a bio break and wheedle Nick into stopping at the next service area.
42. (E4) EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT
The clunker pulls into the parking lot. Nick cautions HOLLY and RUDY to look down so the cameras can’t capture their faces as they head for the plaza. They find out he was an Army Ranger for 20 years.
43. (E6) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Nick insists the parents use the family bathroom so he can guard them both at the same time. They object. Nick insists.
44. (E3) EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT
Dasher’s SUV pulls into the lot. He and the mercenaries enter the plaza. Ivy follows them into the lot.
45. (E6) INT. IVY’S CAR – NIGHT
Ivy calls Joy to get Dasher’s SUV disabled and reported stolen.
46. (E7) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Blitzenkreig checks out the men’s room and the object. Nick finds a kid’s mitten on the floor.
47. (E7) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Dasher causes a stir in the women’s restroom.48. (E7) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Nick lies to Dasher about who is in the family restroom. Dasher doesn’t recognize him without the Santa suit.
49. (E9) INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT
Holly imitates a child to support Nick’s story and Rudy is interrupted midstream.
50. (E4) INT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Nick hurries up the parents.51. (E9) INT. FAMILY BATHROOM – NIGHT
Rudy groans and still can’t get the job done.52. (E9) EXT. SERVICE AREA – NIGHT
Ivy negotiates for a hippie van and plants a tracker on Nick’s clunker.
53. (E4) EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Nick hustles the parents to his clunker and the kidnappers come out of the plaza. Nick skirts the parking lot so they won’t see where he came from and is ready to accost them. Ivy watches from the hippie van.
###CHOREOGRAPH THE FIGHT SCENE HERE — LOTS OF HOLIDAY WEAPONS.
INTERCUT AS NEEDED with BELOW OBSERVATIONS/CONVERSATIONS
54. (E4) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – NIGHT
Holly and Rudy watch from the car and are worried when it looks like Nick is outnumbered.
55. (E7) INT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – NIGHT
Ivy, inside the hippie van, debates joining the fray. She makes a call.
56. (E9) EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
Nick takes down all of the bad guys using a variety of military fighting skills and great awareness of his surroundings.
57. (E9) INT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – NIGHT
IVY looks very impressed by the picture Joy sent her and Nick’s actions against the agents. She’s starting to get a soft spot for him.
58. (E5) INT. CAR – NIGHT
Holly and Rudy are shocked at Nick’s skills.###END FIGHT SCENE
59. (E9) EXT. SERVICE PLAZA – NIGHT
When the bad guys are subdued and groaning, Nick gathers up their guns and throws them under various cars as he hustles back to the clunker.
60. (E5) EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT
Nick gets in his clunker and drives away. Ivy waits in the hippie van, watching DASHER and his gang gather their wits.
ACT 3
61. (E8) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER
Nick pulls into an abandoned farmstead for a bio break and Grizzly has peed on the FBI radio.
62. (E6) EXT. IVY’S HIPPIE VAN – CONTINUOUS
Ivy and the parents share info about the FBI radio’s tracker and Nick’s cottage plan, Ivy will see them at the cottage. Ivy removes the tracker from the clunker.
63. (E6) INT. NICK’S CLUNKER – MOMENTS LATER
NICK opens the front door, slips in. The parents tell Nick about the FBI radio’s tracker.
64. (E9) EXT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER
Nick tosses the FBI radio into an open pickup on a four lane and exits the four lane immediately.
65. (E2) EXT. NICK’S CLUNKER – LATER
Nick parks the clunker on a side street and walks away taking his go bag.
66. (E3) EXT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE – NIGHT
Nick buys a car from a guy in a quick cash deal.
67. (E4) INT. NICK’S CAR – NIGHT
Nick is in the Santa suit driving down a road and Holly and Rudy are asleep in elf costumes huddled under the Santa suit in the back seat.
67. (E5) INT. TERRORIST’S HQ – MORNING
Leader says the FBI agent was an idiot, heard how he screwed up at the service area. Orders Blitzenkreig to kill everyone except the parents when they find them.
68. (E4) EXT. IVY’S CAR – MORNING
Ivy talks to Joy on the phone. She’s found Nick’s great aunt’s house and plans to sneak in. She hides the hippie van nearby and walks back to the house.
69. (E5) INT. LAKE HOUSE – MORNING
Ivy investigates the house — key was under the mat. It is old lady chic with tons of glass dogs. She hears a car outside, sees it is Nick driving.
70. (E9) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
NICK, again dressed as Santa, gets out of the car and sets Grizzly on the ground. Holly and Rudy are in lederhosen.
71. (E2) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Ivy hears the car door and hides in the closet.
72. (E6) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Nick sends Grizzly in to see if the house is safe.
73. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Grizzly greets Ivy with joy.
74. (E5) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Grizzly comes back with the all clear. Nick send Holly and Rudy into the house and takes off to hide the car.
75. (E4) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Holly and Rudy are delighted to see Ivy again.76. (E2) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Nick hurries up the walk to the house.77. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Nick sees Ivy in the dark, thinks she’s dead, is unsure if it’s real or not, but fights with Ivy until Grizzly can finally do her job and let him know everything is OK. Ivy’s alive.
78. (E5) INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY
Ivy says they should call the President and fill him in and realizes she still has her phone. Big time screwup. Dasher will be tracking that by now.
79. (E3) INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY
Ivy and the parents talk to the President while Nick prepares to dispose of the phone.
80. (E6) EXT. LAKE – DAY
Nick trudges across the frozen lake on snow blades to dispose of the phone.
81. (E9) INT. ICE FISHING HUT – MOMENTS LATER
Nick puts the jug with the phone into the hole and pushes it under the ice. Then he leaves the hut to trudge back to the house.
82. (E7) INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Ivy steps out of the bathroom and Dasher puts a gun to her head.
83. (E3) EXT. LAKE HOUSE – LATER
Nick approaches the back door, picks up a key and enters from the lake side of the house.
84. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Nick tramps up the steps to the kitchen and Danzer puts a gun to his head while Dasher holds a gun to tied up Ivy’s head.
85. (E6) INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Holly and Rudy feign needing the bathrooms and get Dasher and Danzer out of the way so Nick and Ivy can untie each other.
86. (E6) INT. LAKE HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM – DAY
Holly distracts Dasher to give Ivy and Nick time to prepare their offense
87, (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
In a big fight scene, Nick and Ivy defeat and tie up Dasher and Danzer. They plan to leave, but Rudy needs meds.
88, (E8) INT. LAKE HOUSE 2 – DAY
Nick distracts the occupants in his Santa suit and Ivy steals the meds Rudy needs from their bathroom.
89. (E3) INT. LAKE HOUSE 3 – DAY
NICK and IVY enter a different lake house, this one decorated for Christmas, but apparently, unoccupied and raid the pantry.
90. (E3) INT. LAKE HOUSE – DAY
Nick bundles up Holly and Rudy while Ivy switches into an elf costume of Nick’s Aunt’s.
91. (E4) INT. LAKE HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Grizzly alerts them that the rest of Dasher’s men have arrived and they quickly head down to the lake level of the house to escape.
92. (E9) EXT. DINGHY – MOMENTS LATER
The parents and Ivy are in the dinghy and Nick is pulling it down a frozen canal.
93. (E9) EXT. DINGHY – LATER
Montage of Nick and Ivy pulling the dinghy and getting exhausted. Changing places, etc.
94. (E9) EXT. DINGHY – LATER
Snowmobilers offer to give them rides and return the dinghy to the Lake House.
95. (E4) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER
They are all relaxing in the house. Nick is sleeping and Ivy is observing him, then settling in for a nap too. They’d been driving all night so were exhausted.
96. (E5) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING
IVY steps to the TV and they find that a house to house search is on for the parents. Rudy recognizes Blitzenkreig as an assassin. They are in big trouble.
ACT 4
97. (E7) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – CONTINUOUS
Montage of the 4 improvising weapons out of holiday items.
98. (E8) EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – CONTINUOUS
Montage continues — they are setting up booby traps outside the house.
99. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 TOY GARAGE – LATER
Set up booby traps on the stairs. Nick spots snowmobiles under tarps and remote starters for the jet skis. Nick and Ivy have a moment.
100. (E5) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – EVENING
They wait in the dark and take their places when Grizzly alerts them that the searchers have arrived.
101. (E9) EXT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT
Nick waits outside while Danser and Donner try to get in the front of the house and Blitzenkreig and Pranzer go around the side. All meet bad times with the booby traps and with Nick who takes out Blitzenkreig and Pranzer and ties them up.
102, (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – NIGHT
The rest of the fight occurs indoors using all of the improvised weapons. They think Grizzly has been shot and mourn her when they have succeeded in beating Donner, Danser and Dasher.
103. (E9) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 – LATER
After the fight, Nick holds his head in his hands, lost without Grizzly. Then Grizzly scratches at the door from the toy garage and they all rejoice.
104. (E7) INT. LAKE HOUSE 4 TOY GARAGE – MOMENTS LATER
Rather than clean up the house, they get on the snowmobiles to go to yet another house.
105. (E4) INT. LAKE HOUSE 5 – MORNING
Ivy has breakfast cooking, the parents watch the news and hear the President say the name of his first dog which was the “it’s safe now” word. They call the WH. The President tells them to meet a private jet at the airport.
106. (E7) INT. PRIVATE JET – DAY
Holly, Rudy and Ivy are in elf costumes, but Nick is dressed as Santa again. The president wants Nick to join his parents’ security detail. Ivy and Nick kiss, the parents wink.
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Mary Emmick: Day 7: Find Your Script’s Entertainment Value
What I learned doing this assignment is the entertainment in EVERY scene and do not protect dull scenes.
SCENE SUMMARY/BEAT SHEET
Genre: Coming-of-Age Romantic Drama
Logline: A small town teen from a conservative family, struggles to find her way during the time of Covid-19.
1. (E8) We’re at Isabel Zuccotti’s older sister Marjorie’s over the top wedding where we meet her family and friends, most of them not wearing masks during the time of Covid-19. Marjorie is marrying Nathan Cramer, the son of Senator Ted Cramer (R) Walla Walla State Representative. Isabel is the maid of honor and her boyfriend Tyler Cramer, the brother of Nathan, is the best man. Senator Ted Cramer brings a date to the wedding who wears a white sparkly mini suit and white 6-inch heels.
2. (8) At the wedding reception Tyler harasses a Hispanic worker who is setting out the wine. Isabel sees her future as a traditional conservative wife and mother. She is dating Tyler Cramer and expects to settle down and eventually marry him.
3. (E7) We meet her parents: Tom Zuccotti who is a wheat farmer and Debby Zuccotti who is an elementary teacher assistant. We also meet her history teacher, Mrs. Amy Andrews. We meet a friend Jackie McCutcheon who is black and her mother Barbara McCutcheon who works in education and rehabilitation at Walla Wall State Prison. We also meet Maria Gonzalez, town council member.
4. (8) With the pandemic raging on its’ third surge, Isabel struggles amidst family and community members who refuse to wear masks or be vaccinated. Her parents and her sister get most of their news from conservative sources. Mrs. Amy Anderson teaches a lesson on the history of voting rights.
5. (9) Tyler invites Isabel to the drag races, where he will race. Sitting on the bleachers she uses the time to study for a history project. Engrossed in her book she looks up briefly and sees Tyler flirting with Tiffany after the race. The following day Isabel finds Tyler and Tiffany kissing in Senator Cramer’s office. The next day she overhears outside Ted Cramer’s office some lawyers talking to the senator about a campaign scandal. They break up.
6.(E7) In history class Jackie invites Isabel to her home for a book club where they discuss the book, Caste. She learns about racism and injustice. Jackie has been accepted at U.W. in the fall and encourages Isabel to apply.
7.(E8) Isabel and her dad attend a City Council meeting where Ted Cramer refuses to wear a mask. He causes a ruckus. City Council member Maria Gonazlez talks about how wearing masks is important, but Cramer refuses and the meeting has to be postponed.
8.(E7) At a town hall meeting to support Maria Gonzalez who is now running against Ted Cramer for state senate Isabel meets Victor Sanchez. Maria is speaking about farm worker rights. Something sparks between Isabel and Victor. He invites her to go canvassing for Maria’s campaign.
9. (E9) Tyler and Nathan Cramer grow scruffy beards and are involved in a Proud Men’s group, a far- right extremist group. They learn to make simple explosive devices.
10. (E8) Isabel’s mom Debby gets sick with Covid-19 and has to be intubated and put on a ventilator. We see her shortly after hooked up to a ventilator at the hospital.
11. (E7) Isabel loses sight in her left eye. She has a retinal detachment and must have surgery that week or risk losing sight in that eye. She has the surgery and has to have her head down for three days. While laying down she listens to Caste on an audio book. While recovering she writes a song about injustice called “Look Away” Her sister Marjorie comes to help them out. We see she is also starting to be heavily influenced by far-right views. Her husband Nathan Cramer is not doing well in his job at the insurance company, and they will not be able to buy the new house they planned on buying. Her mother is still in the hospital.
12. (E9) Early at dawn one morning Tyler and Nathan Cramer are stealing Maria Gonzalez’s signs and they also set off explosives in her office. They want to help their dad by hurting Gonzalez’s chances. It is summer now and a fire starts on Tom Zuccotti’s wheat field. Victor makes some calls to local farmers who bring water trucks to help put out the fire. Isabel jumps on a tractor with a disker attached and cuts a fire line which stops the fire from spreading. Victor is set up by Ted Cramer who calls ICE and raids the family vineyard and arrests Victor and is taken away to an immigration detention center.
13. (E8) Maria Gonzalez has a law student friend who works for the attorney general’s office in Olympia who helps get Victo released. Tom Zuccotti gets vaccinated finally and helps with Maria Gonzalez’s campaign by setting out campaign signs for her.
14. (E8) Senator Ted Cramer is arrested for campaign finance violations and for setting up Victor. His chances at reelection now are slim. Tyler and Nathan Cramer are arrested for stealing Maria Gonzalez’s signs and setting explosives in her office. Maria has an excellent chance for winning and Isabel gets into U.W. When Victor comes over to pick up Isabel for a date Tom thanks him for helping put out the fire.
15. (E9) Final Image: Victor and Isabel float away in the late summer blue skies in a hot air balloon. They kiss.
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Entertainment Value Rating
A. To what degree does it evoke emotion?
B. To what degree does it intrigue or create curiosity?
C. To what degree does it make us want to read on?
D. To what degree does it divert us from our livees?
What I learned doing this assignment is very often I keep hating scene, knowing it is boring. No enterntainment. From another side, I am not very easy to please, and I might find scene I love be entertaining. But maybe they do carry intrigue…
I really need to make it shorter, and less persuasive as it being consecutive, cut it often.
MIDPOINT
1. (E5) INT. OLD ELEVATOR ROCK PLATFORM ON TOP FLOOR – MORNING
Keepers and Guards observe old elevator.
2. (E5) INT. TOP PLATFORM – MORNING
Keepers and Lensor walk down the platform, discussing anomaly of the place.
3. (E6) INT. ROOM OF OMNIVOL – MORNING
Omnivol in her Room.
4. (E3) INT. SECOND FLOOR – MORNING
Lensor discusses Abalone Shell.
5. (E6) INT. TOP FLOOR – MORNING
Gold babysits Rami and Pebble. Rami asks about bat on top of elevator.
6. (E5) INT. ROOM OF OMNIVOL – MORNING
Disheveled discuss the place.
7. (E4) INT. KEEPER’S ROOM – MORNING
Board discussion.
8. (E6) INT. TOP PLATFORM – DAY
Common Gathering. Mindless refuse idea to exchange their shelter.
9. (E5) INT. TOP PLATFORM – DAY
Keepers decide to find info about their underground shelter.
10. (E3) INT. TOP FLOOR – DAY
They install IDENTIFIER.
11. (E5) INT. ROOM OF SILICIUM – AFTERNOON
Silicium talks to Diamond and Gilding. It’s a bit riski talk.
12. (E7) INT. OMNIVOL’S ROOM – DAY
Omnivol questions Identifier’s installation.
13. (E8) INT. BASEMENT – DAY
Tandem comes down to basement to speak with Omnivol, and notices piece of magma on her table.
14. (E5) INT. TOP PLATFORM – DAY
Tandem addresses Keeper Lime about Omnivol.
15. (E3) INT. TOP FLOOR – AFTERNOON
Magnet talks with Silicium.
16. (E4) INT. YARD – AFTERNOON
Man gambling.
17. (E7) INT. ROOM OF OMNIVOL – NIGHT
Omnivol banishes rest of Disheveled behind the doors.
18. (E8) INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Lime descends to check upon Omnivol.
19. (E5) INT. TOP FLOOR – NIGHT
Magnet walking top platform. Encounter with Abalone Shell.
20. (E7) INT. OMNIVOL’S ROOM – NIGHT
Omnivol tells Abalone Shell of her discovery.
SECOND TURNING POINT
1. (E5) INT. OFFICE – MORNING
Quartz calls Stone over the phone. Stone is to fly away.
2. (E6) INT. ROOM OF OMNIVOL – AFTERNOON
Omnivol mentions amid Disheveled circle, she wants Cameo be sacrificed for infusions with her concoction.
4.INT. SECOND PLATFORM – DAY
Keepers, Star and Lensor descend on Second Floor, as Star heads for Identifier to find some data (now they have net connection).
6. (E4) INT. PLATFORM – MORNING
Platinum, Carbon and Tandem build additional staircase.
7. (E6) INT. DINNING ROOM – DAY
Blond Disheveled escapes dining room to steal pregnancy medicine from Crystal’s room.
9. (E6) INT. CRYSTAL’S ROOM – AFTERNOON
Crystal notices pregnancy medicine disappearance too late, but is saved by Platinum.
10. (E4) INT. TOP PLATFORM – AFTERNOON
Lensor and Silicium talk, observing commotion.
11. (E7) INT. TOP PLATFPRM – DAY
Quartz picks up Video to watch.
12. (E6) INT. TOP PLATFORM BEFORE KEEPER’S ROOM – DAY
Teens go into Keepers’ room to watch video, as women gather at the Second Floor at Mindless Headquarters.
13. (E8) INT. SECOND FLOOR – AFTERNOON
Lensor and Silicium talk to Platinum, who relates them an allegory.
14. (E7) INT. KEEPERS ROOM – AFTERNOON
Lensor and Silicium enter Keepers’ room right at the moment when video showcases image of headless child.
16. (E5) INT. ROOM WITH IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON
Star notices link on research of planetary areas, their subject, which she cannot open.
17. (E5) INT. ROOM OF SILICIUM – AFTERNOON
Cameo tries to console Diamond.
19. (E6) INT. KEEPERS’ ROOM – AFTERNOON
Hydro and Quartz watch video again.
15. (E5) INT. YARD – AFTERNOON
As Carbon and Silicium discuss all of it with Platinum, he is called from upstairs.
20. (E6) INT. ROOM WITH IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON
Star shows Keepers broken link, and they decide it is to be cracked for info.
21. (E5) INT. CRYSTAL’S ROOM – EVENING
Crystal tells Magnesium of predicament she feels, not to give any birth.
3.INT. KEEPER’S ROOM – DAY
Board discusses necessity to Copy Data for Stone, so that he would bring it to Another Planet, Slider and save it.
22. (E4) INT. SECOND FLOOR – EVENING
Lime decides to put all kids together for the night.
23. (E6) INT. ROOM OF IDENTIFIER – EVENING
Star puts identification program to work.
24. (E8) INT. KEEPER’S ROOM – NIGHT
Quartz shows Lime and Hydro information on underground he discovered in printouts. Omnivol tries to reach Identifier, but is caught and turned away.
25. (E6) INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Magnet in a shower.
26. (E6) INT. ROOM OF PLATINUM AND TANDEM – NIGHT
Platinum and Gilding before intercourse.
27. (E7) INT. LIME’S DREAM – NIGHT
Lime’s allegorical dream featuring his distant lover.
RESOLUTION
1. (E8) INT. PLATINUM’S DREAM – IN DARKNESS
Platinum sees a dream of him falling into deep dark, accompanied by Crystal and Gilding.
2. (E7) INT. MAGNET’S DREAM – MORNING
Magnet dreams of Crystallon alive.
3. (E7) INT. ROOM ON TOP – AFTERNOON
Higher Caste is still together after they spent the night.
4. (E6) INT. OFFICE OUT OF TIME AND SPACE – DAY
It shows result of long calculation on paper, a raw of xxxxx, predicament, one the same process.
5. (E7) INT. ONE OF ABANDONES ROOMS – AFTERNOON
Omnivol and Abalone Shell awake, and separate, she to find Higher Caste, he downstairs, searching for bullets to load his gun.
6. (E8) INT. ROOM UPSTAIRS – AFTERNOON
Lime suggests they should report the case. Omnivol comes, and is shot by Lensor.
7. (E5)INT. LARGE STORAGE CLOSET – AFTERNOON
Higher Caste weaponized themselves with protective clothes.
8. (E8) INT. ROOM UPSTAIRS – AFTERNOON
They plan to descend back into underground shelter.
9. (E8) INT. UPPER CORRIDOR – AFTERNOON
Guards kill Male Disheveled on the way to elevators.
10. (E8) INT. TOP FLOOR – DARKNESS
They arrive downstairs. Keepers’ group heads for Identifier. Maintainers’ group grabs at Gilding and takes elevator back.
11. (E4) INT. STORAGE ROOM – AFTERNOON
Guards install metallic shield with electric bulb to stream light downstairs. Lensor sends Silicium after Magnet, to help him with wires.
12. (E10) INT. UNDERGROUND – AFTERNOON
Your Daughter gets swallowed by the grown leaves of a monstrous growth.
13. (E8) INT. TOP PLATFORM – AFTERNOON
Mindless people jump down looking for their kids, disappearing all together, as Lime overlooks it.
14. (E9) EINT. ROOM ON TOP – AFTERNOON
Silicium returns to others, but is incapable to call Magnet down, as she falls asleep right as she sits. Magnesium leaves Crystal to go downstairs also.
15. (E4) INT. ROOM UPSTAIRS – AFTERNOON
Crystal begs Silicium to accompany Magnesium.
16. (E3) INT. UPWARD CORRIDOR AND ELEVATORS – AFTERNOON
Elevators don’t work and Silicium is obliged to take a longer way via corridors.
17. (E2) INT. TOP PLATFORM – AFTERNOON
Magnesium reaches top platform and heads to his room to write into diary.
18. (E4) INT. INNER STAIRCASE – AFTERNOON
Silicium stumbles on dead body of Tandem.
19. (E6) INT. BASEMENT – AFTERNOON
Abalone Shell sees light streaming down, as Lensor fixes electricity. He makes upstairs, unnoticeable for them, as they descend.
20. (E3) INT. INNER STAIRCASE UPWARD – AFTERNOON
Magnesium discovers Tandem’s body, and gets injured.
21. (E4) INT. SECOND FLOOR – AFTERNOON
Guards saw log down, blocking them a way.
22. (E8) INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR – AFTERNOON
Gold follows Carbon, as keeps deception of possibility to survive on.
23. (E8) INT. SECOND FLOOR – AFTERNOON
Keepers and guards reach room with Identifier, to discover, Omnivol connected cable to the growing atrocity.
24. (E8) INT. TOP FLOOR GALLERY – AFTERNOON
Gold and Carbon went to top platform, keep searching for Tandem.
25. (E7) INT. TOP PLATFORM – AFTERNOON
Abalone Shell escapes to elevators, past Gold and Carbon, and takes one up.
26. (E7) INT. TOP FLOOR GALLERY – AFTERNOON
Gold and Carbon can hear someone took elevator.
27. (E5) INT. SECOND FLOOR – AFTERNOON
Quartz sends Guards away to check on, and they separate, Silicium into gateless way, Lensor by Rock Stairs, swapping brothers duo on his way.
28. (E6) INT. INNER STAIRCASE – DAY
Silicium discovers Magnesium.
29. (E8) INT. ROOM ON TOP – AFTERNOON
Magnet awakes, as Abalone Shell comes back, to be met by Platinum with his speech on redemption.
30. (E7) INT. ROOM OF IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON
Lime pulls out programming card, and Identifier starts streaming information on planet’s quick destruction.
31. (E7) INT. OFFICE HOUSING IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON
Multiple of Identifiers here and there put onto screens emergency information.
32. (E7) INT. ROOM ON TOP – AFTERNOON
Lensor and Abalone Shell have a duel, exchange weapons, and Lensor guns Abalone down.
33. (E10) INT. FLYING STATION – AFTERNOON
Man at flying station sends his woman to destroy the place. She calls back on him, saying it’s done, and their flying station gets destroyed.
34. (E9) INT. TOP PLATFORM – AFTERNOON
Quartz faces apocalypses, as elevator won’t arrive.
35. (E7) INT. UPPER CORRIDOR – AFTERNOON
Lime gets a creature on his shoulders.
36. (E8) INT. TOP PLATFORM – AFTERNOON
Elevator works, and Quartz takes it upstairs.
37. (E7) INT. ROOM ON TOP – AFTERNOON
Lime comes back to survived group. Quartz follows him. They explain, it’s the end. Male move to females, in long awaited sexual desire to be realized. Gilding speaks a word, as Platinum bends over her.
38. (E7) INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE ROOM UPSTAIRS – AFTERNOON
Lensor removes with Gold into corridor, and they get destroyed there.
39. (E8) INT. ROOM ON TOP – AFTERNOON
Magnet and Crystal exchange clothes. Woman crawls to them by corridor, the one to blow up a place. They keep love each other, as Magnet and Silicium get destroyed at a spot. But Carbon and Crystal are still there. Magnesium comes back, dying. Gilding comes to her senses, and asks for weapon. Place gets destroyed.
40. (E10) INT. VAST ROOM – EVENING
Commotion at a big place, where people do suicide.
41. (E10) INT. TUNNEL – EVENING
People go by the tunnel into spacecraft. But that one has no time to leave, and gets destroyed.
42. (E6) INT. COSMIC STATION ON THE ORBIT – NIGHT
Cosmic station with accidental survivals.
43. (E9) EXT. COSMIC – NIGHT
View of planet in brown logs.
44. (E8) EXT. OTHER PLANET TWENTY YEARS LATER – DAY
At a Slider, another planet on orbital. Renom gets persuaded by tribal to take a new wife, as his sister browsing answers to situation via Identifier. It predicts her marriage to the prince.
45. (E10) EXT. AT SPACESHIP ENTRANCE – NIGHT
As his sister visits him, Renom gets beaten up for spoiling his wife with magic, as she suffers at her pregnancy.
46. (E9) INT. SCREEN OF IDENTIFIER – LATER
Screen of Identifier gets alive with typing. It turns into 3D structure, of new technological world, now on Slider, where heroes move, in their new attire, without knowledge of former events.
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What I learned during this assignment:
I can go back and rework scenes to up the entertainment value.
1. E9- Alex’s dream of falling off the cliff and being rescued by Shea.
2. E7- Alex tell therapist about struggle with seeing the dead girl.
3. ****Alex and her lawyer look at the problems besetting the case.
4. E10- Alex is confronted on street about murdering Shea.
5. E8- Alex visits her sister who was badly injured in crash and faces fallout from family.
Act 1
6. E8- Alex’s roommate Lola tries to cheer Alex up but makes is so much worse.
7. E7- Alex finds Shea in her bedroom and attempts to confront her but she disappears.
8. E9- In Alex’s nightmare, the horrors of her fathers’ death intertwine with Shea’s.
9. E7- Alex wakes up sweaty and shaky.
10. E7- Alex goes into work and is warned she is about to get canned.
11. Alex’s boss tells her she is on leave until trial is over.
12. E5- Alex waits to make sure Cassie is picked up from school.
13. E7- Shea’s mom calls Joyce to tell her she will be late and check on Sammie.
14. ****Shea visits Alex in the bathroom, and Alex tells her to back off.
15. E8- In the courtroom, Shea’s Mom accuses Alex of murder. Alex’s attorney contends that Shea was underage and should have been in the backseat.
16. E5- The MacKenna’s leave court to be harassed by reporters.
17. E6- Shea’s parents bicker about Joyce.
18. E5- Cassie’s dad isn’t there to pick her up, Alex gets her.
19. E5- Alex takes Cassie home to find Jax in passed out on the couch.
20. E8- Evie is about to die, and Alex begs Shea to do something.
Act 2
21. E9- Shea gets her Guardian and they save Evie. Shea finally reveals that she wants Alex’s help to save her brother from Joyce.
22. ****Alex takes Groceries to Jax and finds him in bed with a woman doing drugs which she films on her phone.
23. E9- Eve slips into a coma, Alex tells her it’s alright now since she has Cassie.
24. E10- Lola interviewing a blind date.
25. A. To what degree does it evoke emotion?
B. To what degree does it intrigue or create curiosity?
C. To what degree does it make us want to read on?
D. To what degree does it divert us from our lives?26.
27. E9- Alex discovers Cassie can see Shea.
28. E5- Jax is following Alex.
29. E6- Trent and Tasha have dinner and he finds out she is pregnant.
30. E5- Alex drops Cassie off at Frank’s so she and Shea can check on Joyce.
31. E6- Alex and Shea follow Joyce and her boyfriend to a house party.
32. E8- Alex confronts Joyce and get shoved in pool.
33. E9- Alex and Shea dry off in car.
34. E7- Alex goes to pick up Cassie , Frank tells her Jax picked her up.
35. E8- Alex goes to Jax apartment and finds that Jax has decamped with Cassie.
End of Act 2
Act 3
36. E7- Alex has a breakdown in kitchen and banishes Shea.
37. E9- Jake and Lola having sex
38. E7- Accident reconstructionist clears Alex
39. E7- Tasha Max at Doctors
40. E6- Lola comes home, helps Alex identify POI
41. E6-MacKenna’s getting ready for night out, Sammie upset
42. E7-Shea tells Alex she knows where Cassie is, then disappears.
43. E7- In Nightclub, Alex learns about Joyce’s past, Shea arrives with bad news.
44. E9- Alex and Shea rush to Sammie, Guardian blocks entrance.
Act 4
E8-43.Joyce is frozen with knife by Sammie. Guardian leaves, Alex gets call that Evie is fading.
45. E6- Guardian whispers in patricks ear
46. E6- Cassie wants Mommie
47. E6- Lola sister sneaks in, asks for money and help at home
48. E9- Guardian explains society of caretakers. Shea and Alex want in. Sammie saved.
49. ***Closing arguments
50. E9- Cassie eating gummy bears.
Act 5
51. E6- Reporters hound Alex after the verdict
52. E6- Mrs. Mackenna swallows pills, Shea can’t stop her.
53. E8- Shea alerts Patrick
54. E8- Patrick saves Linda
55. E8- Jax discovers Cassie on the floor.
56. E8- Lola pours lasagna over Jake.
57. E 8- Flashback to accident with Shrink.
58. E 8- Alex at the hospital with Cassie and Jax, shea reassures her.
59. E 8- Lola visits Tasha who blames herself for miscarriage.
60. E 6 – Alex takes Cassie to see her mom in the hospital.
61. (E 9) Cassie lays down with her mom. And Eve speaks for the first time.
62. (E 9) The Guardian tells Alex and Shea they are on trial with the council.
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Jeff- Entertainment values
1-(e-8) All three characters are introduced in a grocery story line .
2-(e-9) Einstein riding skateboard to meet Bob.
3-(e-7) Hedgewood has lost her job and her home.
4-(e-6) Einstein changing oil with friend Stan.
5-(e-10) Einstein participates in batting practice at padres game.
6-(e-9) Dude has fight on bridge and loses everything.
7-(e-8) What do we do with Einstein community party.
8-(e-9) Meet cute on porch with Hedgewood.
9-(e-9) Job interview and house tour.
10-(e-10) The all nighter clean up.
11-(e-7) Holy toledo the morning after.
12-(e-8) Home depot and meeting Dude.
13-(e-8) Einstein and dude hit the barber shop.
14-(e-7) Einstein and dude hit the Goodwill.
15-(e-6) Einstein and dude hit the gym.
16-(e-7) Community garage clean up.
17-(e-6) Football in the park with house sale.
18-(e-8) Dude introduced to pool room.
19-(e-7) Einstein Hedgewood come up with gamelgard plan.
20-(e-8) Gamelgard in the park.
21-(e-8) The hunt for small breet.
22-(e-6) The ride home
23-(e-7) montage 1
24-(e-8) Bike Coronado
25-(e-8) Magic whiteboard
26-(e-6) He said she said pizza place.
27-(e-6) Party plan blown up
28-(e-7) Montage 2
29-(e-8) Pool clean up Love you
30-(e-10) family day.
31-(e-10) Low point for Hedgewood
32-(e-10) crazy room revealed
33-(e-9) Compulsive cleaning business imagined
34-(e-8) Falling in La La La
35-(e-6) Some new friends
36-(e-10) Bigger and better
37-(e-10) Cultipark party for the homeless
38-(e-9) Dude off to maui
39-(e-8) Janice joins esthers
40-(e-7) love does mondays
41-(e-6) montage 3
42-(e-7) Disney proposal
43-(e-7) Maui Dude
44-(e-8) Maui wedding
45-(e-8) Love does it again San Diego
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Assignment 7 Find Your Script’s Entertainment Value
Subject Line: Joan Edwards’ Scene Entertainment Ratings
“What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s hard to rate your scenes in this way. Rating the scenes helps me see where I need to add something or take away something to make the scenes more meaningful to the story. What surprised me was the difficulty I had figuring out a number rating.
Are Montages considered scenes?
Logline “Will Fred be able to restore his marriage as The Perfect Couple when even his Mother disowns him when he serves his wife divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on National Television on Valentine’s Day?”
1. E3
Montage
Bad times for finances and home sales.
2 E3
Fred drives he and his wife Alicia to dance lessons.
3. E10
Fred and Alicia dance the tango. Fred gets out of breath. Marvin makes fun of Fred.
Says he’s too old to be the Perfect Couple.
4. E10
Fred shares money problems with Alicia. Alicia says hiring Marvin would help lure the stars.
Alicia refuses to use Fred as barber.
5. E10
Thomson’s Gym- Competes with Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel so much that Joe Thomson says if he sees him trying to outdo them to the extreme, he’ll kick him out. Fred gets angry and leaves anyhow.
6. E10
Fred uses Aunt Polly’s Hair Growth Formula on his hair. Gobs of his hair falls out. In searching for his Daddy’s toupee, he finds the newspaper obituary of his Dad’s death.
7. E10
Dan pays 3 girls to stick close to him. Fred asks for divorce lawyer. Dan gives him Adm Finklestein’s business card.
8. E10
Fred goes to lawyer and signs papers for divorce. Without noticing, he signs papers asking Alicia to be served on or after February 14.
9. E7
Adam calls Process Server. Asks Rick to call 3 days before he serves Alicia. He says he can’t promised 3 days but will call before he serves Alicia.
10. E10
After Fred and Alicia are announced as The Perfect Couple, Rick serves Alicia, divorce papers from Fred.
11. E10
Montage of Social Media and News criticizing Fred and sympathizing with Alicia.
12. E7
Fred gets calls and texts telling him how terrible a person he is.
13. E3
Jake offers to give Fred part time job at restaurant. Fred turns him down.
14. E7
Margery tells Alicia to get new project. Tells her that Fred’ll come back.
Alicia swears to use all the money in their joint account
15. E10
Renovation King offers to remodel without buying or renting extra space
16. E10
Fred wears fancy suit and hat. Money sticking out of pockets. Girls pour ice water on him.
17. E8
Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel move away from him no matter where he goes.
Fred rants and raves and leaves
18. E5
Ext Fred’s car – peels off and heads to Dan’s apartment
19. E10
Dan breaks promise. Refuses to let Fred stay with him while Divorce is processed.
20. E5
Fred sleeps in the car.
21. E10
Dreams of people lining up to buy a home from him.
22. E10
Kaufmann fires Fred and tells him to take the bus to his Mother’s.
23.E10
Mother disowns Fred and takes him out of her will. Shows him papers. Kicks him out the front door.
24. E5
Fred gets bike from Butler. Butler gives him big wad of dollar bills.
25. E5
Fred wobbling on bike sees poor side of Carlos Street, stopped up drains, little or no grass, landlord evicting family with 3 children.
26. E10
Fred parks bike at homeless shelter. Meets Virgil who recognizes him from Dr. Bill’s show but doesn’t condemn him, sees himself in Fred. Tells how he was stubborn and lost his family. Fred tells he is going for job interview next day, did Virgil want to go with him.
27. E9
News Reporter films live at Homeless Shelter Fred shaves men and cuts their hair. Asks for Asks people to donate ties, shirts, shoes, socks to help men prepare for job interviews.
28. E9
Remodeled Allure Salon of the Stars – Alicia thanks Margery for helping with salon. Tells her she misses Fred.
29.E8
Billboard Marvin shaving big star Fred’s Mother saying it’s the Salon of the Stars Fred takes aspirin
30. E9
Alicia’s remodeled salon- Marlin, Alicia, and Fred’s Mother in front of remodeled salon on Front page of Newspaper Fred takes another aspirin
31. E10
Stonewalls accuse Fred and Forever Realty of fraudulently selling them a home with termites in it.
32.E10
Alicia contacts CBS News about Stonewalls falsely accusing Fred.
33. E7
Fred discovers Dan has no money, no job. Spent all lottery money on women.
34. E7 Dan is so drunk Fred and Sandra struggle to get him up the steps.
Fred digs in Dan’s pocket for key to apartment.
Dan almost falls but Sandra catches him. Fred opens the door.
35. E7
Sandra offers to check on Dan without his paying her money.
36. E8
37. E10
Dr. Benton gets Fred thinking that he wants to be with Alicia when he dies.
38. E10
Alicia and Fred get back together. Everyone volunteers to help. Social media lights up again.
39. E9
Fred and Alicia dance by themselves. Marlin dances with Margery40. E10
Alicia leads Fred down hallway to bedroom. Sign hangs on door The Perfect Couple
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Pam’s Scene Ratings
What I learned: I still have a lot of work to do to connect all of the various story threads together. And plenty of room for improvement in many scenes!
– – – – – –
TANGLED UP
Genre: Rom-Com/Thriller
Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.
– – – – – – – – – – – – ACT ONE
1. (E5) INT./EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY – DAY
HENRI BERGER’s intro. Stalled in traffic, he primps. Flirts with women who pass by. We learn that he’s annoyed while on an errand to drop off hair product to a client. His California license plate on his shiny new convertible reads: “STYLIN.”2. (E8) EXT. MALIBU – BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE – DAY
Walking up the driveway with his bag of hair product, he looks through living room window and witnesses the murder of movie star Bradley James. He gets a clear look at the hitman.3. (E9) EXT. MALIBU NEIGHBORHOOD
Henri and the Killers eyes meet, a foot chase ensues. Henri hops over fence. Lands at house with large patio and pool. Strips, puts clothes under a lounge chair, and jumps in. Tries to appear nonchalant as he does slow laps in the pool, but his head is on a swivel.Meanwhile, housekeeper takes his clothes, leaving only his Italian-designer loafers. With no sign of the hitman, he runs back to car naked, grabs a palm leaf for modesty. Chased by several dogs. Narrowly escapes.
4. (E9) EXT. HENRI’S CONVERTIBLE – CONTINUOUS
Henri goes back to his car and realizes his phone is gone. Cloaks himself with barber’s cape from the hair styling kit in his car.5. (E9) INT. / EXT. MALIBU – BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Henri runs back up to the house. Butt-naked, with the exception of his cape, worn like a hospital gown, and his loafers.Peers in windows. All doors locked. Still nervous, hides out back. Breathes sigh of relief when he sees the police’s red & blue flashing lights.
CSIs document items at the crime scene. Intro of the no-nonsense DETECTIVE KURT STONE. Outside: tubes of “MARC RICHE SALON” hair gel scattered in the driveway.
Inside: the dead body of movie star BRADLEY JAMES, still clutching a script: WILL OF THE WEST remake.
They find Henri in the backyard hiding behind a big leafy plant. Frightened, he exclaims to police, “I saw it all — I saw the man who shot Bradley James! Det. Stone wants him to save his story for when they go “downtown.”6. (E3) EXT. BEVERLY HILLS – RODEO DRIVE – DAY (6 HOURS EARLIER)
Establishing shot of Rodeo Drive and Marc Riche Salon awning.7. (E8) INT. MARC RICHE HAIR SALON (BEVERLY HILLS) – DAY
Intros of narcissistic salon owner MARC RICHE, his Yes-Man intern TREVOR, his Yes-Parrot CHICO, rising star protégé HENRI, their handsome celebrity client, BRADLEY JAMES, and his supermodel wife, TIFFANY.Marc shrieks loudly when he discovers that his new shipment of signature hair product, “Marc Riche Modeling Glue – Ultimate Hair Gel” has labels misspelled as “Marc RICE.” Marc wails: “The whole world knows it’s RICHE!” He slams the entire case into the trash.
When Marc’s tantrum subsides, they proceed with Bradley and Tiffany’s hair styling, where a hair style-off ensues.
They all make plans to see each other later at the Art Gallery/Celebrity Charity Fundraiser. As Bradley leaves, Marc apologizes that they were “all out” of his favorite product. Alone when he closes up, Henri takes the discarded case of “Modeling Glue” out of the trash.
8. (E6) INT. PINES & PALMS SENIOR CENTER – PAPY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Intro of Henri’s dashing 70ish grandfather (“PAPY”/FRANCOIS BERGER), who practically raised him. Papy’s torso is covered by a black nylon barber’s cape as Henri cuts and styles his hair using tools-of-the-trade from his stylist kit.Henri gives Papy the discarded case of “Modeling Glue” for the Senior Center, taking a few tubes for himself first.
Papy shows Henri a flyer — the center will be showing the (fictitious) classic Western, WILL OF THE WEST. Henri tells Papy that his client, Bradley James, is starring in the remake. Papy wants Henri to join him for Movie Night; Henri promises to be there, “nothing could keep me away.” Papy’s hairstyle complete, he packs up his kit and leaves for the fundraiser.
9. (E8) INT. ART GALLERY – MAIN LOBBY – DAY
Charity Fundraiser: “Celebrities for Arts in Education.” A series of “living art tableaus.” Although Henri organized the event, Marc adds in a last-minute exhibit that involves Henri dressed as a clown: an homage to Picasso’s “Pierrot.” Marc is in the largest tableau, dressed in a nice dark suit with tails: a tribute to Seurat’s “Sunday in the Park.”Intro of Henri’s best friend, JARED. Jared practices his homage to the infamous “Scream” painting. The scene ends with Jared’s “Scream” face on display.
10. (E6) INT. POLICE STATION – VARIOUS – NIGHT
Henri dressed in Police Academy sweat suit now. Sits with police sketch artist. Killer is Charles McKay, comes from a family of hitmen. Initial view of crime board (with Henri as possible suspect)QUICK FLASH to crime scene, as Killer leaves house and snoops around Henri’s car. STYLIN. Mention of the stolen phone.
At Det. Stone’s desk, Henri leaves a voicemail to Marc and emails Jared. A plan is in place to keep Henri safe, in a place where no one will think to look for him — a salon in Vermont. Stone “knows a guy” — Sgt. Camden Parks. They served together back in the day. Stone fails to mention to Henri that the salon is, in fact, a DOG salon.
11. (E6) EXT. QUAINT VERMONT TOWN – DAY
Intro of ACADIA PARKS (Henri’s love interest), she’s like a doggie Pied Piper. Has connected many people in town with their dogs and their Forever Homes.12. (E4) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON (VERMONT) – DAY
Intro of CAMDEN PARKS. He’s a by-the-book kinda guy. He finishes up a groom while talking to Acadia. She mentions quite a few guy’s names that she has plans with — turns out all of the “dates” are with dogs. Camden suggests that she “get back out there” and is cut off by Acadia who says she already surrounded 24-7 by all the love she needs. “And, dogs are infinitely more trustworthy than men.”13. (E6) EXT. MARC’S CAR – NIGHT
Marc hears the voicemail. He’s distraught. “Oh, God no! Not Bradley!”14. (E7) INT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – DAY
Det. Stone walks with Henri through the airport. Henri complains about having to wear a bullet-proof vest. Stone is stern, reminds him of imminent danger. “The Killer will be looking for you, where you worked, your home… In fact — Marc Riche may be a target.” Stone tells him to forget about his old life for now, needs to learn the new. Hands him a folder and burner phone.Intercut with:
15. (E6) INT. JARED’S PLACE – SAME
Henri explains his situation to Jared in an email, but doesn’t tell him where he is. Asks Jared for 2 favors. Be his eyes and ears in California, look in on Papy when he can.16. (E6) INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Glances through the folder containing his new I.D. and backstory. He’s HENRY SHEPHERD, moving to Vermont from Colorado. Henri tries to relax, and reaches for the “Beautiful People” magazine in his seat pocket. He gasps. Bradley’s handsome face smiles back at him. Cover headline: “BRADLEY JAMES, SEXIEST HUMAN ALIVE!”– – – – – – – – – – – – ACT TWO
17. (E3) EXT. QUAINT VERMONT TOWN – DAY
Establishing shot. Scenic mountains, rural Vermont town.18. (E9) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON – DAY
Henri meets Camden Parks, his contact while living incognito. Henri enters thinking he’s at a regular salon, makes a fool out of himself with several clients before he soon learns that he’s at a DOG salon.Henri’s “BAD FIRST DAY” MONTAGE: dog humps his leg, dogs react poorly to him in general, Henri gets soaking wet doing baths, Camden shows him how to do the “gland expression.”
19. (E6) INT. BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE – DAY (POLICE INTERVIEW)
Det. Stone interviews Tiffany. Mentions her ex-husband Conan. (Maybe combine this scene with “celebration of life” scene? See below.)20. (E8) INT./EXT. GREENFIELD DOG SHELTER – VERMONT – DAY
Henri and Acadia Meet-Cute. Henri sent on an errand to drop off shampoo.Slips in fresh dog-poo, ruins his fancy loafers. When Acadia laughs, Henri attempts to flirt. He launches into his Joe Pesci/GoodFellas quote (So I’m funny, like a clown”). He bombs, and even frightens Acadia at first.
21. (E7) EXT. BEVERLY HILLS CEMETERY PARK – DAY
Needs elevating. Maybe it’s a “Celebration of Life” scene, rather than a conventional funeral? Folks gather around to pay their respects to Bradley James. They dress in costumes, paying tribute to some of Bradley’s most famous movie roles.Casually lurking around is hitman Charles MacKay, also in costume. He listens in to conversations and glances over at Marc a few times. Marc seems to be oblivious.
22. (E4) PLACEHOLDER – HENRI LOOKS AT GALLERY PICS AT A COFFEE SHOP
Meanwhile, back in Vermont. Jared provides Henri with pics from the Gallery Fundraiser that he took on his iPhone. Henri sees STUART DRAKE’s living tableau as “The David.” While frozen in position, he appears to be pining for Tiffany (Bradley’s widow).23. (E6) INT. PINES & PALMS SENIOR HOME – DAY
Jared stops by to check in on Papy, who now has a strangely moussed-up hairdo (he’s been using the Modeling Glue). Papy helps him run lines for a scene. Jared has a bit part in the remake of WILL OF THE WEST.24. (E6) EXT. CONAN’S BACKYARD PATIO – CALIFORNIA – DAY
Det. Stone interviews Conan King (Tiffany’s Ex), re: the death of Bradley James.25. (E5) PLACEHOLDER – CRIME-BOARD UPDATE1
Det. Stone updates the crime board, goes over status with his CSIs. Conan is a new suspect.26. (E6) PLACEHOLDER – HENRI CHECKS IN WITH DET. STONE
Stone is condescending, doesn’t want Henri’s help solving the crime. Henri suggests that he look at Drake. Henri calls him out for not mentioning that the Sitting Pretty Salon is a DOG salon.27. (E4) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Marc and Trevor running the salon. They tell clients Henri is “on vacation.” Marc is agitated at folks requesting Henri, rather than him.28. (E4) STUART DRAKE’S OFFICE
Police interview. We learn that Conan King is next in line for the lead in the remake of WILL OF THE WEST.
Intercut with:
28. (E5) PLACEHOLDER – JARED SNOOPS AROUND THE SET
Jared finds out that things were going badly on the set, Bradley was being quite difficult.29. (E4) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jared updates Henri with info he gathered from snooping.30. (E4) PLACEHOLDER – CRIME BOARD UPDATE
Det. Stone adds Drake as a suspect to the crime board. He was better off financially with Bradley gone.31. (E6) INT. SITTING PRETTY – DAY
Intercut with
INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAYMONTAGE – INTERCUT BETWEEN SALONS. Highlight difference and similarities.
Tiffany almost bumps into Conan when she leaves the salon. Paparazzi takes photos. Marc scolds Trevor for scheduling their appointments so close together. Trevor shampoos Conan. (Move this up sooner?)32. (E5) INT. SITTING PRETTY – DAY – CONTINUOUS
Work day is over. Henri discouraged. Then Acadia comes in and brightens his mood.33. (E7) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY – POLICE INTERVIEW
Det. Stone interviews Marc. Marc appears to be safeguarding client info, but is really feeding info to Stone.34. (E8) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY (FLASHBACK)
The “Vanity” magazine interview, flashback to Henri’s gum-in-hair incident from grade school. Young Henri meets Young Jared, who helps him out of an awkward sitch.Henri experiments with Elmer’s Glue to hold his hair in place (the precursor to Modeling Glue development)
35. (E5) INT. DOG SHELTER – DAY
Henri finds an excuse to stop by and see Acadia (He realized that the dogs could use some crème rinse with their shampoo). Acadia is sorting mail. She has a copy of the <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Beautiful People magazine with Bradley on the cover. She comments to Henri that he looks a little like Bradley James — his hair anyway.36. (E8) INT. SENIOR HOME / INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
INTERCUT SCENES. Jared & Papy are at the Senior Center’s movie night (with Charles MacKay lurking in the shadows, posing as a volunteer); Henri is home. All are simultaneously watching the original WILL OF THE WEST movie. Henri pauses the movie at a “mistaken identity” scene.
37. (E7) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM
Looking in the mirror, Henri fusses with his hair and admits that he does look a little like Bradley. Reaches for a tube of Modeling Glue and discovers a correctly-spelled label under the erroneous one.Henri concludes that the label snafu was intentional, and Marc set him up to be at Bradley’s —he was the intended hit. Bradley wasn’t supposed to come back to his house (but he forgot something)— and the hitman thought Henri was Bradley.
38. (E6) HENRI CALLS STONE
Henri is hysterical, calls Det. Stone and demands that he arrest Marc. Stone says there’s not enough evidence yet to link Marc to the crime. Henri is insistent that Stone share crime scene photos with him, even though Stone is doubtful that he’ll find anything new that his CSIs missed.39. (E7) HENRI’S NIGHTMARE
Early days at the Marc Riche Salon, when Henri is a badly-treated intern. Chico the Parrot heckles him as he learning to do a style. Marc reminds Henri why he has been the obvious choice for the International Hair Show year after year.40. (E4) INT. COFFEE SHOP/JARED’S APARTMENT
INTERCUT SCENES. Henri shares his discovery with Jared. Together they hatch a plan to get the evidence needed.
41. (E3) CRIME-SOLVING MONTAGE
Stone & his CSI team update one another on the crime and any new evidence. The timeline of events is bothering Det. Stone —Marc Riche’s story just doesn’t add up.42. (E5) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON – DAY
He tells Camden what he suspects re: Marc arranging the hit on him. Henri is depressed that he’s stuck in his faux world for a while longer, continuing to live a lie. Henri’s mood changes when he gets a call from Acadia re: rescue dog emergency.43. (E9) INT. DOG SHELTER – NIGHT
The amazing transformation of the tangled-fur mutt rescue. Acadia sees Henri in a new light. The dog does not have a name; they call him “Harry.”44. (E5) INT. FRONT OFFICE – NIGHT
Henri and Acadia share their backstories while they eat takeout. Flashback to Young Henri and Middle-aged Papy, where Papy over-dresses Henri for the first day of school. Acadia shares with Henri that she wants to organize a Doggie Adoption event at the shelter.
45. (E4) INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Henri reviews crime scene photos of Bradley’s house. Henri sees the flat black box on the credenza in foyer —similar to the one that Tiffany had at the Gallery event. He zooms in on label on box: it’s notes the name of a photo studio.That’s it! Bradley came back to the house for his head shots, that he has intended to sign at the Gallery Fundraiser. More proof that he wasn’t supposed to be at the house at all. And that Bradley did not walk in with the script, it was planted.
46. (E9) EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – VERMONT – DAY
Acadia invites Henri on a picnic, she brings lunch, tunes, and her Yellow Lab, Shane, “Harry” & a Chuck-It/ball. When Acadia serves up lunch, Henri attempts to “chuck” the tennis ball to Shane, wreaking havoc amongst fellow park picnickers.When Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” plays, Shane howls at the harmonica music as Acadia sings along, loudly and off key. Acadia explains that he’s partial to the harmonica, it always gets him going.
Henri is laughing at them hard. All of the sudden Acadia looks very hurt. Then she launches into her Joe Pesci “So I’m a clown, I amuse you?”/GoodFellas impression (the worst ever), and Henri feels a new connection to her.
As Henri looks around at the folks in the park walking their dogs, he realizes that it reminds him of the Seurat painting. “Sunday in the Park with Dogs” concept is born, a large Doggie Fair with vendors etc. Before their picnic is over, Henri has the idea to name the transformed mutt “GoodFella.”
47. (E9) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, VERMONT – DAY
Henri starts his creative “furry coiffures” in the shop, to Camden’s initial dismay. But Camden comes around when he sees the customer’s reactions, and the shop debuts owner/dog ‘dos, where the dog’s style complements their owner’s.48. (E5) INT. ACADIA’S PLACE (DOG SHELTER) – NIGHT
Planning details for the Fair while playing with dogs in the yard. Henri practices his Chuck-It skills, but he still needs work. Henri has an idea to include mascots (people in doggy suits). Acadia likes that idea, but wants to only have <u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>one.Acadia opens up to Henri, shares with him the details of her old boyfriend who left her to pursue his career as an LL Bean cover model. They end the evening on a kiss, but that’s as far as Henri lets things go.
49. (E8) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, VERMONT – DAY
Fun montage of doggy do’s. (The Promise of the Premise.) Cam updates the website, which already features the Dog Fair on home page. Accidentally posts a video, unaware Henri’s voice is in the background on one of them.50. (E9) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Henri and Acadia have dinner and go over final details for the fair, which is tomorrow.They are excited about the fair. Acadia is grateful. An innocent hug turns into more. They proceed to the bedroom. Shane in living room cocks his head. Henri misses a number of phone messages.
51. (E6) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Tiffany plays a video link sent by a friend, while in the lobby at Marc Riche Salon. She and Marc hear Henri’s voice.– – – – – – – – – – – – ACT THREE
52. (E7) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – DAY
Henri & Acadia wake up smiling from their intimate night of passion. Shane is in bed with them, they’re one happy family. They share coffee. It’s the Sunday morning of the Dog Fair.Henri styles her hair, pretends not to know how. Right after she heads out the door,
he sees the missed calls.
55. (E6) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Marc’s on his way to NYC to the big show. Leaves Trevor in charge. Says goodbye to Chico.56. (E7) INTERCUT MONTAGE
Contrasts the set-up of Dog Fair with International Hair Show.57. (E6) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – DAY
Talks to Camden. Tells him to be careful at the Fair. The hitman MacKay is a Master of Disguise.Even though he was told to stay put, Henri heads out of his house and gets in his car. A medium-size cardboard box sits on the passenger seat. He calls Jared.
58. (E5) EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – DAY
Opens up box, the dog mascot suit is inside. Henri puts it on as a disguise.59. (E8) INT./EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – EVENT TENT – DAY
A crowd of folks mill in and out of the event tent. Henri arrives in his full-body Golden Retriever suit and heads towards Acadia. He puts his furry paw around her waist. Attempts to tell her everything, but they both get sidetracked. Acadia sees a second mascot, and walks over to him while he is distracted.60. (E8) EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – LAWN – DAY
Acadia approaches the shaggy dog mascot, thinking it’s one of her volunteers.She’s shocked when he pulls a gun from his vest. He tells Acadia that she and her dog should quietly walk with him. He shoves them in a minivan with tinted windows.
61. (E6) INT. MINIVAN – CONTINUOUS
The shaggy dog mascot (MacKay) ties them both up. Puts a tennis ball in Shane’s mouth. He wags his tail. Explains to her that they’ll be fine as long as her boyfriend, Henri, cooperates.MacKay tells Acadia that “Henry Shepherd” is an imposter. He leaves them alone in the van, a look of terror in Acadia’s eyes.
62. (E8) INT. GREENFIELD PARK EVENT TENT – DAY
MacKay (in a dog suit) continues to sneak around the park.Det. Stone seeks out MacKay. After Stone leaves, Henri paces back and forth. Impatient. Puts biscuits and several talking balls (need to set this up, show the toy vendor booth) in his vest pocket. Grabs a Chuck-It thrower and defiantly leaves the tent, on a mission to find MacKay and save Acadia.
63. (E10) EXT. PARK – DAY – VARIOUS LOCATIONS
Stone is in the outer part of the park looking for MacKay, far away from the tent. Henri in his Golden suit on the other end. Quickly moves from tree to tree, eyes peeled for McKay while staying obstructed from view. And then Henri spies the Shaggy-Dog McKay. He grabs one of the talking ball toys from his pocket and rolls it out towards McKay. Henri whips the rock-hard biscuit at McKay’s arm and knocks the gun down on ground.Henri and MacKay wrestle in dog suits. Tail pulling, biting, strangling, etc.
Stone catches up to them. They pull MacKay off of Henri and put hand cuffs on his furry paws. They pull his dog head off. Confirm that it’s MacKay.
64. (E9) PLACEHOLDER: GOODFELLA FINDS SHANE & ACADIA
Det. Stone and Henri return to tent with Camden. Music on loud speaker. Someone mentions that “they couldn’t have gotten too far.” Henri gets the idea to play a song with harmonica music. He blasts Blues Traveler’s “Runaround” which causes Shane to drop the tennis ball out of his mouth and howl. Henri, Det. Stone, and a pack of dogs all run towards the sound of Shane’s howling, with GoodFella in the lead.65. (E9) INT. VAN – DAY
Henri embraces her, fighting back tears. She pushes him away.Henri walks away from Acadia, back into the park grounds. Tail between his legs. A GUNSHOT rings out. Acadia SCREAMS. Henri falls to the ground, motionless.
66. (E8) INT. HOTEL – MARC RICHE SALON BOOTH – NYC – DAY
Marc is setting up at his booth at the International Hair Show. He’s surprised to see Jared, who is distraught. Jared tells him Henri’s been killed.67. (E9) EXT. PARK – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – DAY
Acadia and Det. Stone run to the motionless Henri.68. (E9) EXT. PARK – CAM & STONE CHASE BADGUY – CONTINUOUS
After shots fired back and forth, Camden successfully saves Stone and Acadia. Brother Kyle MacKay gets stuffed into same car as Charles.69. (E9) INT. HOTEL – EVENT HALL – DAY
Marc is on stage, preparing to do a hair product and styling demo. Tiffany and Jared in the audience. Tiffany and Jared step aside, and out pops Henri, shocking Marc.Major showdown between Marc and Henri. Henri tells Marc that Chico gave him up, “he sang like a bird.”
70. (E6) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY (QUICK FLASH)
Jared is in the salon talking with Trevor. Distracts him, walks over to Chico’s birdcage and plants a bug.71. (E6) Det. Stone tells Henri he’s free to return to his old life, now that all the bad guys have been arrested. Has new respect for Henri and his help closing the case.
72. (E8) INT. DOG SHELTER, VT – DAY
RESOLUTION. Henri begs forgiveness from Acadia. Adopts the mutt GoodFella. Acadia forgives him. Henri invites her and Shane outside. Papy is there as well.73. (E7) EXT. DOG SHELTER – DAY
They drive away in the slightly-dented Subaru. His Vermont license plate reads: “STYLIN.” -
REWRITE – DAY # 7 – RAE’S SCENE RATING:
What I learned this assignment is this rating system allowed me to see how an audience might view any given scene, giving me the option to view each scene through a different lens.
USE BEAT SHEET – RATE FROM E#1 to E#10
SAMPLE: 1 Quick example of beat – then rating:
OPENING: scene rating = 1
1. (E-8) JACKSON RESIDENCE – Jesi is at home with her father Jackson repairing their toilet. She completes the job with ease and expertise, showers, changes into something sexy, piles on the make-up and goes clubbing with friend Gizelle.
2. (E-8) APARTMENT BUILDING – Jackson introduces Jesi to Harold. She proceeds to crawl under his building showing off her contractor skills. Harold tells her that he is fed up with tenants and is selling the building.
3. (E-6) REAL ESTATE OFFICES (Residential and Commercial.) Jesi quits residential when cheated out of a full commission, jumps into the male dominated arena of commercial real estate knowing it will be a virtual battle. The broker’s caveat, that while working for him she remain single.
INCITING INCIDENT:
4. (E7) HOSPITAL – Dr. Gerard Leblanc comforts Jesi while her father Jackson lies in the coma. There is an obvious attraction to the other for both of them. There’s an immediate physical attraction that leads to a FANTASY SCENE where they get married.
5. (E7) HOSPITAL – When Jackson dies Jesi is devastated. Gerard tries to console her by listening to her recite the story of how her mother and father met. ** When Gerard asks Jesi certain questions about her mother she clams up. Finally, they hug for too long and they know it.
6. (E7) FANTASY SEQUENCE – Gerard goes to a window, watches Jesi leave the building, approach her car in the parking lot. The parking lot transmutes into “a field of light” where he and Jesi stand with a minister who is marrying them.
7. (E5) As the fantasy scene ends, Mrs. Mehta asks Gerard, “But, what about your boy?”
PAGE 10 – YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT
8. (E7) JASON’S OFFICE – Jesi starts grinding Jason for the buyer/seller leads he initially promised her, asks why the leads are going to Henry. Jason gives it right back, tells it is all up to her.
9. (E-6) APARTMENT ROW – Jesi goes door knocking but gets nothing. She pleads with Jason and finally gets her first buyer lead. The lead is stolen from her desk, same day. Jesi blames Henry first and then the salesmen in the bull pen.
10. (E-7) JOHNSON RESIDENCE – Jesi collapses into Jackson’s chair, turns on Sinatra. Devastated by the lack of business, mounting bills, she calls Harold, tells him she’s not getting the listings, may be forced to go back to construction. He says, “Come on over.”
11. (E-8) HAROLD’S BUILDING – DAY
Harold says come on over. Upset with all the vacancies, he tells her he’s sick of tenants, selling the building! Jesi pitches hard for the listing, but Henry steps in and steals it. The war is on!
12. (E-9) YACHT CLUB Harold feels bad, tells Jesi not to worry, he will introduce her to his “Good Old Boy Apartment Owners” at the Yacht Club. They will give her business!
FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1 (PG. 30)
13. (E-8) MONTAGE:
Jesi goes back to her office and finds the lost buyer lead.
Next day she shows Harold’s building to her buyer JIM CARLISLE, writes an offer. She throws up, prays for Jackson’s help just before writing the offer.
Jesi gets the signed offer, slaps it on Henry’s desk, says thanks for nothing.
Gerard keeps calling, asking to see Jesi but she’s too busy with her sale.
14.(E-9) YACHT CLUB – LONG BEACH – NIGHT
To make up for Jesi’s lost listing, Harold introduces her to his “Good old boys Apartment Building Owners” a bunch of rich old men who own stacks of buildings. A lot are ready to sell and trade into others.
BOSS MULLER and JOE SCHMIDT are already in the conversation with Jesi!
15.(E-7) MEDICAL OFFICE/JESI’S OFFICE – DAY
Mrs. Mehta calls Jesi looking for a payment. Jesi insists on speaking with the doctor. Gerard won’t discuss her bill, only if Jesi will meet over coffee.
16 (E-7) COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Jesi and Gerard connect immediately. He speaks of love, marriage, children. She is just as engaged but makes it clear she does not want children. She agrees to a date the next night.
17 (E-8) INTIMATE RESTAURANT – NIGHT
A dining room with a close intimate atmosphere. Gerard jumps right in, asks Jesi to marry him. At first speechless, she finally says “yes.” Gerard’s doctor colleague, also a marriage celebrant, shows up serendipitously. Gerard asks him to marry them. They share their vows and love for each other. The minister says all they need is a license from City Hall – apart from this their vows are mutually binding.
18. (E-7) HOTEL ROOM – SAME NIGHT
After sharing the love, Jesi asks Gerard to wait on the marriage license. She has two buildings lined up to list and sell. He agrees reluctantly to two weeks, but that’s all.
MID-POINT (page 45)
19. (E-7) JESI’S OFFICE – DAY
Jesi’s too busy listing buildings to do anything else. BOSS MULLER’S 12 units. JOE SCHMIDT’S 20 units.
20. (E. 7) JOHNSON RESIDENCE – NIGHT
Gerard stops by with champagne, surprising Jesi, insists they go next day to City Hall. She puts on Sinatra and as they dance Jesi talks him out of it. Gerard agrees to wait. He tries to tell her about his undisclosed seven-year-old boy, but Jesi silences him with a kiss.
21. (E-8) JESI’S OFFICE – DAY
Jesi lists Boss Muller’s building. Henry accuses her of stealing his client. She lists Joe Schmidt’s next. Henry loses it, threatens he’ll expose her for the inexperienced Rookie she is! Jason tells her if she keeps this up she will be ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!
22. (E-6) JESI’S OFFICE – NIGHT
ONE MONTH LATER
Jesi’s is working twenty four/seven. Gerard keeps calling, tells her he is tired of waiting. Frustrated, he gives her an ultimatum to call when she’s ready – maybe he’ll reconsider.
23. (E-5) JESI’S OFFICE/ JASON’S OFFICE – DAY
Jesi has earned a private office, Michael her manager, Giselle her salesperson. Jason approaches Jesi; knows about her marriage to Gerard. He discloses he knows Gerard, tells Jesi has a seven year old boy – then warns her if she legalizes the marriage she will be fired. Jesi calls off the marriage.
CRISIS
24. (E-8) Montage of scenes:
Jesi is missing Gerard. The bills are mounting even more. She needs her job more than ever.
AGENT WHIPPLE with the IRS presses for a payment on Jackson’s gambling debt and property taxes that total over one thousand dollars.
Jesi is miserable, takes time out, works construction. Repairs the plumbing on the building she sold Jim Carlisle, while he is threatening to sue.
CLIMAX
24. (E-7) INT. IRS OFFICE – DAY
Joe Schmidt’s deal is falling out – the deal that will pay off Jackson’s gambling debt. Joe’s buyer has an IRS tax lien and his loan is falling through. Jesi appeals to Agent Whipple who’s taken a fatherly liking to Jesi. He gets the lien removed from public records. Jesi is ecstatic! Joe Schmidt’s deal is saved.
25. (E-7) Montage of scenes:
The medical office calls Jesi to say her medical debt has been forgiven.
Gerard shows up in the parking lot, apologizes for his mistakes, recites their wedding vows, then asks her to meet his boy.
RESOLUTION
26 (E- 6) JESI’S OFFICE – Jesi makes Michael an equal partner, admits he was right. She should marry the doctor. She also lines up a date with Michael and Joe Schmidt’s gay son.
27 (E-6) YACHT HARBOR – LONG BEACH – Finally Jesi meets seven-year-old JORDAN. They go for a sail on Gerard’s yacht.
28. (E-6) EXT. CITY HALL – Next day Jesi, Gerard and Jordan exit City Hall with a marriage license.
29. (E-6) YACHT CLUB – LOS ALIMITOS Harold and the good old boys stand on the dock, wave Jesi and Gerard goodbye as they take off for their honeymoon. Gerard sails the yacht from the harbor and heads for Catalina Island.
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Mary’s Scene Rating
Doing this assignment, I learned that I can elevate a number of scenes by increasing, not only aspects of action or suspense but also by increasing the curiosity and emotional level. I tended to focus on action more than the other aspects.
Jumble of Time
1. INT. CITY TAVERN LONG ROOM – DAY
(E7)We meet HANNAH, her GRANDMA, and Hannah’s uncle JIM BALDWIN, as Hannah pranks Uncle Jim while he delivers a history talk on what happened at the City Tavern, on July 4<sup>th</sup>, 1777.
As Hannah checks herself in an old mirror she is startled by the momentary reflection of colonial girl looking back at her.
2. INT. CITY TAVERN LONG ROOM – LATER
(E7Hannah is left alone to display their famous baking ancestor’s MARY NEWPORT’s prized 18<sup>th</sup> century recipe book. Insecure because she lost a baking contest, Hannah concocts wild stories about exploding cupcakes during the Rev. War. She finds a message from the past in her own handwriting. Spooked she runs out.
3. INT. GRANDMA’S HOUSE – LATER
(E5)Hannah berates herself for being spooked and wonders if Uncle Jim left the message in the book to prank her. She and grandma prepare Jumbles (18<sup>th</sup> century cookies). Hannah learns of her 3x great grandmother LYDIA through her grandmother. Hannah realizes she’s left her grandma’s recipe book and asks to deliver jumbles to CT so she can retrieve it.
4. INT. CITY TAVERN – DAY Back in Time (10 minutes- inciting incident)
(E7)As Hannah enters the door of the tavern she steps back in time to JULY 3rd, 1777. Hannah thinks this is part of the present day reenactment.
(E9)Hannah meets LYDIA, her 12-year old ancestor who was the girl in the mirror. Lydia accuses Hannah of being an interloper. Hannah now thinks her uncle is playing a practical joke on her. Hannah follows Lydia in order to foil the joke. Hannah chases Lydia out of the City Tavern and through colonial Philadelphia.
5. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — LATER
(E6)Hannah ends up at the 18th century version of her grandmother’s house. PRISSA, 16 and Hannah start off badly. Prissa accuses Hannah of being a witch. MARY NEWPORT sorts it out and takes Hannah in, mistaking her as a relative. Mary Newport, Lydia and the other apprentices Prissa and BECCA,9, bake for the July 4th celebration at the City Tavern.
(E7)BENEDICT ARNOLD comes to the shop. Hannah is aghast that he is a war hero, knowing he will one day be a traitor. Prissa flirts with Arnold
Lydia is suspicious of Hannah.
(E6)Hannah realizes that she has gone back in time and is among her ancestors on July 3<sup>rd</sup>, 1777.
6. EXT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — MORNING
(E7)As Hannah and Lydia return from an errand they interrupt rebel ruffians throwing rocks through the windows of Mary Newport’s pastry shop. Hannah chases them off. The pies for the feast are ruined.
7. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — LATER
(E5)Hannah and Lydia overhear JOSEPH GALLOWAY, a known Tory, tell Mary Newport, that there may be trouble at the City Tavern during the feast when she and the girls will be serving. He divulges the plot to kidnap congress and asks her not to raise the alarm. Lydia doesn’t take the threat seriously. Hannah is concerned.
Act 2
General direction. Hannah assumed her ancestors are ardent patriots, but they are Quakers. They try to stay out of the war and have no affection for the rebels. Hannah repeatedly puts her foot in her mouth by letting 20th century speech and knowledge slip out. Hannah moves towards being connected to Lydia while she gradually realizes she must foil the plot.
8. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — LATER
(E7)Although frazzled, Mary Newport decides they’ll serve at City Tavern. She learns her Quaker ancestors do not support the war as she reveals her support of the revolution. Hannah suggests they make cupcakes to replace the smashed pies – but they haven’t been invented yet.
9. EXT. WHARF — DAY
(E5)Lydia and Hannah go on an errand to buy spices from CAPTAIN COLLETT, ship captain and family friend, where he is approached by CALEB OAFLEY to enlist his aid in ferrying prisoners in the kidnapping plot. Lydia grows more suspicious of Hannah and accuses her of being a rebel. Hannah grows more certain she may have to intervene to save the timeline of history.
10. EXT. STATEHouse — DAY
(E8)The American army and congress are assembled. As the Declaration of Independence is read, Hannah and Lydia chase their runaway cow. They meet HUGH MCDONALD, young soldier who catches the cow. Hannah thinks he’s charming but Lydia thinks he looks like one of the ruffians who broke their windows.
11. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — DAY
(E5)Hannah and Lydia arrive home to find that Mr. Galloway has taken Mary Newport into “safekeeping”. Prissa is in charge and the girls will have to serve at the Fourth of July Feast on their own.
(E5)In the course of an argument over the war Hannah learns more of Lydia’s sentiments. Hannah and Lydia decide not to tell the other two girls of the plot to kidnap congress. While Lydia thinks Mr. Galloway is looking after her aunt, Hannah thinks she’s been kidnapped so she can’t reveal the plot. Lydia has no wish to stop the plot.
45 Minutes (Hannah starts to realize she may have to intervene)
12. EXT. CITY TAVERN — DAY
(E6)Hugh McDonald is stationed as an American guard outside the City Tavern as Prissa, Becca, Lydia and Hannah approach. Hugh compliments Lydia and Hannah. Hannah is flattered. Lydia treats him coldly.
13. INT. CITY TAVERN LONG ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
(E7)The room is set for a lavish feast. Prissa delivers a note to the proprietor, DANIEL TURNER, explaining Mary Newport’s absence. Hannah is suspicious of everyone at the feast, especially BENEDICT ARNOLD. She tries to surreptitiously warn JOHN ADAMS that there is a plot and fingers Arnold, whom she mistakenly thinks is poisoning the wine. Hannah’s bungled attempt gets Hannah and Lydia dismissed by Turner.
14. EXT. CITY TAVERN — DAY
(E5)Hannah notices the guard has changed and Hugh McDonald is gone. Lydia is relieved to be leaving but Hannah thinks something is amiss and is intent on checking it out.
15. INT. CITY TAVERN CELLAR — DAY
(E6)Hannah sneaks down to the cellar and discovers Hugh McDonald and another AMERICAN SOLDIER, JESSE tied up. The group reveals what they know of the plot to Mr. Turner. Turner assures them he will notify the rebel leaders.
16. INT. CITY TAVERN — MOMENTS LATER mid-point whammy) Turner is behind the plot and means harm to the girls.
(E5)As the girls leave Mr. Turner tells Caleb to take care of the meddling girls. (change needed here in how the villains will “take care of the girls)
17. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — DAY
(E7)Hannah is ready to go home but Lydia has eaten a drugged cake and she passes out. Hannah realizes the double-cross. The plot is still alive and Lydia is in danger.
(E6)It’s up to Hannah. Hannah searches for Captain Collett. He’s not there. Hannah runs back to warn the soldiers (Hugh and friends) that they’re being double-crossed.
18. EXT. CITY TAVERN BACK COURTYARD – DAY
(E8)Hannah sneaks around to the back of the city tavern just in time to see that Hugh may join the Tory plotters. She strings fireworks under the wagon in an attempt to spook the horses but her attempt fails. It seems no one can help her to foil the plot or help Lydia.
(all is lost)
19. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — DAY
(E6)Collett comes back and Hannah realizes the bond he has with Lydia. He will search for the antidote. Hannah decides to bake cupcakes on her own despite her lack of 18<sup>th</sup> century baking knowledge. Collett returns with the antidote and now Lydia, although groggy helps.
20. INT. CITY TAVERN – DAY
(E7)Hannah, Lydia and Capt. Collett have no real plan to replace the tainted cakes but show up and improvise. They have to trick the bad guys and get the cakes upstairs to the guests. Hannah leads the prank, the henchman is drugged and out of action and upstairs, in delivering the cakes, a food fight erupts as Hannah has to escape.
This is also Hugh’s moment of truth. He does help them.
21. EXT. CITY TAVERN BACK COURTYARD — AFTERNOON
(E8)In running away Hannah and Lydia are caught by the villains and tied up in the back of Buie’s wagon.
22. EXT. CITY TAVERN FRONT–AFTERNOON
(E7)The revolutionary leaders hang out the window and cheer the parade going by. It’s time for the dessert
The parade marches by. Hugh and Jesse are with their regiment. Collett sneaks out the front door. Galloway watches nervously from across the street.
Just then Hugh’s band of soldiers diverts towards the back of the City Tavern. They come around the corner and train their rifles on the conspirators
23. INT. CITY TAVERN – DAY
(E6)The guests leave and congratulate Mr. Turner on a wonderful party. The plot has been foiled.
24. EXT. CITY TAVERN BACK COURTYARD – AFTERNOON
(E9)The conspirators are captured, but in the mayhem, partly caused by Hannah and Hugh, the conspirators get away.
(E5)When Hugh’s Captain arrives, Hugh downplays the event saying they just ran off some ruffians.
They have all foiled the plot to kidnap congress. They have saved the revolution and the revolutionary leaders and no one will ever know about it.
ACT 3- RESOLUTION
25. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — NIGHT
(E7)All are gathered safely back at Aunt Molly’s. Mary Newport has no idea what the girls did and they keep their secret. Hannah scribes the message to her future self in future in Mary Newport’s recipe book. Lydia sees her. They speak of the way they have become like sisters. They both feel Hannah will leave soon.
26. EXT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — NIGHT
(E6)Hugh keeps his “boys” from attacking Mary Newport’s house.
27. EXT. CITY TAVERN — NIGHT
(E6)Bonfires dot the streets and firecrackers light up the night. People celebrate. Hannah is asked to help carry food home for a neighbor. On her return she spots Hugh. As they speak the door of City Tavern begins to glow behind them. Hannah says good night. She walks back into the future through the City Tavern Portal.
28. INT. CITY TAVERN — DAY
(E8)Hannah is back at the City Tavern in the 21<sup>st</sup> century only 1 hour after she left. Uncle Jim gives hands her cell phone back but she’s not interested in it, she’s interested in commenting on the reenactment, in family hx and in the recipe book. At end she notices Lydia has written a doodle entwined with hers in the recipe book too.
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Aurora’s Scene Ratings
What I learned: I discovered a pile of exposition in many long beats right in the middle of the story that needed to be broken up into different scenes and action added. I evaluated all of them, but the ones most needing change are listed below.
23. E-6- too long, need to break up
24. E-6- break up
27. E-5- too long
29. E-8 too long
Logline for Book of Trouble: Fortune turns suddenly for a wildly successful entrepeneur, and when betrayed by friends and kidnapped by an unseen evil, he is forced to re evaluate his reliance on a God who is silent.
ACT ONE
1 .EXT. RANCH IN PALM DESERT-DAY
Tall, handsome red haired Scotsman, JOHN MACFARLANE (55) is cool and collected, effortlessly succeeding in business, at fundraising, on the polo field, in his wife Barbara’s Jenga game, and dealing with LENA(9) a willful orphan. He is given Keys to the Kingdom, a Humanitarian Award from the Coachella Valley Galilee Center for his philanthropy to the homeless. In acceptance, he says all will know God loves them by what he provides.
2. INT. LARGE TV SCREEN – DAY
John and his wife and children are on depicted on screen as he lines up his large family of adult children on stage for a press photo, handing off Lena to Lucien his protege.
OS voices express hatred of John and interest in Lena.”Won’t be long.”
3.EXT GUESTHOUSE ABOVE JOHN’S SON’S HOME- NIGHT
Up on the hillside on the veranda of his son’s guest home, overlooking a boisterous party at his son’s lavish home, John prays, watching party goers, then sees his son’s home explode in a ball of flames. His wife comes out and falls to pieces, followed by Lena and a group of smaller children of various ethnicities.
4.EXT. PARKING LOT E. WALKER RANCH PARK –DAY
A Smoky the Bear sign warns “Fire Alert HIGH”. Next to it an Aston Martin DB11 convertible is parked in the shade of an oak, its top down. JOHN MACFARLANE sits inside the car, staring ahead. Park Ranger advises park closes at sunset, be aware homeless vagrants in the area, report any fires. John hides the car in the brush and stays overnight, praying Howls emit from figures rustling in the bush.. Overnight its hub caps stolen, roof ripped, and a wheel removed, His phone taken. He is impassive, slumped, mouthing prayers as a wrecker tows away the car’s graffiti covered shell.
5.EXT. E WALKER RANCH –NIGHT
John sleeps in stone pillars of the burnt out Walker homestead. He is attacked by a gang of IMPS, and even his clothing stolen along with the nugget. He stumbles naked in the dark, putting on rags shed by the gang. Naked I came into the world, naked I shall return. The Lord gives and takes away. He finds a small gold nugget as he drinks from a stream and momentarily brightens.
6.INT- GUEST HOUSE -DAY
LENA (9) peers out through grubby lace curtains and watches two men and a woman exit a Jeep parked below. She runs upstairs and climbs out a window onto the roof, hiding.
7.EXT –BACKYARD GROUP HOME-DAY
BARBARA dejectedly sits out back on swing holding a dark skinned baby. Kids run frenetically about the yard. HARRY(60) fidgets nearby. Heavily made up MERCEDES (48) holds the chain to the swing and leans into Barbara’s face inquiring about John. Barbara explains he’s abandoned her, left the night of the fire in his car saying wanted to pray and sort things out, hasn’t heard from him since. She needs help with the orphans left by their employees. Mercedes starts pandering.Impatiently Harry interjects that John’s been found. Barbara scowls but then her face brightens when she sees LUCIEN (36), come around the corner with a folder. Lucien kisses Barbara and she cries, saying the government has seized all the family’s assets, including what’s left of this house. Why are they calling this a crime scene? Harry interjects again- Tell her how you found him. Lucien explains a park ranger reported his license plate on the shell of his car at Walker Ranch, near Santa Clarita. Barbara cries in earnest, We used to hike there when our kids were young. I can’t believe they are all gone. Lucien: John’s had a breakdown, homeless now living in the bush. Mamacita, he needs help. We found a good rescue mission to rehab him. Produces paperwork, he’s a changed man. he might harm himself. Mercedes: The company had a key man insurance policy long enough on John that the lawyers say it will pay even in the event of his suicide. Barbara: Why would John want to kill himself? Mercedes: Avoid prison. Harry: What a thing to say. We are so sorry this new grief is heaped on top of all the rest. A process server arrives to throw legal papers at Barbara. Harry angrily chases him off.
8.EXT . E WALKER RANCH-DAY
BARBARA (50) finds John filthy, unshaven, his body covered with sores, wearing baggy pants that are too wide and too short and a greasy dark hooded coat, on his knees mumbling in prayer. She is accompanied a social worker and a van full of young children of various nationalities, including LENA. Barbara shows John a stack of legal papers explaining the whole enterprise has collapsed. He moans.
9.EXT. PARKING LOT E WALKER RANCH-DAY
MICHAEL, (20S, autistic) and JOSHUA (30s, mute veteran) lift John onto a small seedy New Eden Rescue Mission bus. BARBARA pleads with JOHN for help with the orphan children but he is non responsive. BARBARA curses him for being self absorbed.. LENA hands Barbara an oversized crying toddler, complaining about carrying the “big baby”. BARBARA angrily shoves a duffle bag and a wad of legal papers at LENA and propels her also onto the bus.
10.INT.BUS-AFTERNOON
As the bus pulls out Michael rocks and begins fluidly reciting scriptures from memory, with the accent of a radio preacher. Joshua drives the bus. John lays on his side on a bench across the back, moaning, oblivious to a tract in his hand. It reads “Trouble? Jesus Christ a very present help.” Lena chats to Michael, but he doesn’t look at her. She explains she is learning piano, and that Papi JOHN is a very rich Yanqui ganadero with a big ranch in Rosario, Argentina who gives gifts every Christmas to all the orphans like her. But now he’s “cursed” ever since the fire. His son Samuel’s house burned down. Papi JOHN won’t eat, won’t wash. He is very sad and sleeps with his eyes open, down in the bushes. “I asked Papi for a piano, but he told me, “Not today”. The only other passenger is a hefty middle-aged tattooed character, CHUPACABRA, wearing Draco dragon Sunglasses. He listens to this conversation, but is talking on his IPhone.
INCITING INCIDENT
11.EXT. BUS-DAY
The bus suddenly brakes and comes to a complete stop due a downed motorcycle blocking the otherwise empty roadway. Several other motorcycles have stopped and a group stand around a rider lying in the road. One of the men holds a long lance. Various ones are wearing John’svest, shirt, pants, and motoring hat.
12.INT. BUS- DAY
John shakes. He tells the bus driver, Joshua to use his radio to call the police. Joshua shakes his head no, and makes a motion like cutting the throat, revealing a large scar on his neck. JOHN retreats to the back of the bus. Chupa give orders and several IMPs rummage through John’s bag. One drives the bus and the rest circle it on motorcycles hooting and hollering. One with a lance catches a rabbit along the road and they all shriek. Chupa laughs and shows him a rope with a hangman’s noose and tells him he is betrayed by a friend. Up ahead a road block, the police are preventing traffic from going into an evacuated area, but Chupa points, directing how to circumvent the road block
13.EXT. BUS DRIVING -day
The bus enters a sandy construction road, crossing the dry Santa Clara riverbed to sneak into the fire evacuation area. Bus goes up mountainous pass in evacuated area, passing and residents with loaded horse trailers going the other way. It drives into the open gate of an abandoned movie ranch in a remote mountainous area above the Santa Clarita valley.
14.EXT. FRONT OF DOUBLE CROSS MOVIE RANCH
The gates are all open and livestock and wild animals wander about, let out of their pens. Chupa has no cell phone signal.
15.INT. CAGE HOUSE at MOVIE RANCH
John, Lena, Joshua and Michael are locked in an empty lion’s cage at the movie ranch. John rebuffs Lena and tells her not to call him Papi John. John is frightened to see rattle snake inside the cage. The snake isn’t real, but mechanized. Michael reveals he can open locks. When the rest aren’t paying attention, John slips out alone.
16.EXT. ACCESS ROAD
The sole access road is blocked by the violent IMP gang, who have parked the mission bus across the road. They see JOHN, pursue him on a motor cycle, using a lance to pin him through his long dirty coat to the ground, and drag him back, bloodied, to the cage. The Imps are hired contractors, but threat him for a separate ransom paid directly to them- “skins for skin”, if he hopes to survive. John explains he “lost it all.” But the Imps ask about the gold he has found. Imp:“Your children will pay a ransom for papa”. John: “All died in an accident”. Imp: “El Quemado– you lie. Your fault, you will burn forever.”
17.EXT. CAGE-DAY
The other hostages are now outside the cage too, Michael pretends the cage door was left unlocked.
18.INT. CAGE- DAY
Joshua carries John back inside and the other hostages share water and a stash of food they found. Lena tells John about a white horse Joshua enticed back into the stable. Joshua washes John’s stubbed toe and tends to John’s wound and the sores on his skin by putting ash on them. He gives John his boots. A real rattle snake is found in the cage. Joshua wordlessly stomps barefoot, killing the snake.
SECOND ACT
19.EXT. CAGE -EARLY MORNING
John slips out of the cage bars alone again to escape.
20.EXT. CORRAL-CONT.
He finds the white horse but it throws him and runs off.
21.INT. MOTORHOME
LUCIEN HUGO ( 38, Cuban man wears large black framed glasses), MERCEDES RINCON (55) & HARRY FARGO (60) are meeting inside Harry’s motorhome. They discuss their interests in John’s companies. Harry asks for a financial report. Lucien says the US government and the Argentine government have seized not only all of John’s personal assets but all assets of his corporations. The accounts are all blocked. Lucien says that John probably has some precious metals or old coins stashed away somewhere. MERCEDES asks why all properties were seized? Was John running drugs or what? HARRY & LUCIEN don’t have all the facts of what happened but investigators have been contacting them too. LUCIEN explains the company’s key man insurance policy would pay out in the event of JOHN’s suicide. “Who knows, it could be that his conscience will get the better of him and he will end his life. They have a limited time to get the truth out of John.
22.EXT. MOTORHOME
On his way back to the cage, JOHN sees and recognizes HARRY’s motor home and LUCIEN’s Jeep parked at the ranch.
23. aINT. MOTORHOME
JOHN walks in on Lucien, Mercedes & Harry. He thinks he is being rescued. They greet him coldly, claiming they are at the ranch for “an Intervention”, since he ran off and had a breakdown. JOHN has no idea what’s been going on with the company. Mercedes reacts negatively to his filthy condition. JOHN’s friends hostilely accuse him of secret wrongdoing. JOHN learns the FBI is looking for him. Mercedes argues bad things don’t happen to good people, and Harry takes it up too. They accuse him of being an evil criminal deserving of the tragedies, imply the world would be better without him. JOHN becomes indignant and argues his innocence, emphasizing that he had encouraged and helped each of one. They are repeating the creed John had taught them from Deuteronomy, “whom God loves, He blesses”.
Lucien placates JOHN, shows clips of home movies of John’s (now deceased) adult children and the family’s former opulent life in Argentina.. All of the Interveners, and Lena were in the footage, enjoying happier days. Lucien makes a snide remark about Samuel, John’s eldest son, indicating jealousy.
MERCEDES asks JOHN if there was any update on how the fire at his Samuel’s house started? Had he heard anything from the Arson Investigator? JOHN is startled to hear arson is suspected. HARRY is sarcastic.“In addition to the deaths of your ten adult children at least eight more people died in a fire at a party, you don’t think there would be an investigation? John gets emotional and begins rants about wanting to die.
MICHAEL knocks on the door with a “message”. LENA is looking for JOHN. The Interveners look at each other in amazement and ask: Lena’s here too? LUCIEN asks JOHN if the trafficked orphan girl is here with him? MERCEDES (incredulously) What do you mean trafficked?
24.INT. LODGE-DAY
The Interveners immediately go with JOHN to locate LENA who is with the other hostages in the lodge. LENA is closely watching Michael playing the piano and sing “Yes, I will”. MERCEDES interrupts, grabs Lena by the hair. Chews her out for running away. LENA tells her story, explains taken by Senora RINCON (MERCEDES) to a “new home” with Senor Monos in Rosario with promise of piano lessons. However, the big house didn’t have a piano. Mean lady slapped her, demanding she change clothes, so she climbed out a window, and walked back to the orphanage, ran into neighbor women and they were shocked when she told them what happened. Senora Rincon, was worried and the two of them started out that night on a bus headed for California. JOHN tells Mercedes to let go of her hair. Asks if anyone had hurt her. “No Papi, not really”, she cries, “I know I have to just keep waiting for a piano.”
JOHN asks MERCEDES “how could you not know more about the MONOS “family” that owned the house where LENA was taken? Mercedes accuses John of using her like a pawn. And why did you bring her illegally into the United States? HARRY interjects this was your idea, JOHN. JOHN denies it. Lucien produces copy of deposit by Monos to John’s personal account. LUCIEN wonders aloud if JOHN ‘s eldest son, SAMUEL, orchestrated the sale of the child. Mercedes says, “ Perhaps he deserved to die in any case, since he was the one that caused the explosion and fire.”
Chupa wrestles John to the ground. Whispers in his ear that he is an undercover cop but unable to get cell signal to call for help. Chupa threatens John: “Tomorrow it will all be over.” An Imp walks by with a snake. John warns him that some are real. The Imp laughs and pretends to eat it- it bites his face. Chupa and other IMPs haul him away.
Lucien reveals The police found parts of a drug lab after the explosion but the arson reports are still out LUCIEN states that in addition to arson investigators, the DEA is also looking for JOHN. Preliminary evidence indicates a drug lab exploded in the basement of the son’s home killing everyone in the house, including some company employees.
HARRY: So, at the time of the fire, Lucien you were there? Lucien: We were ALL there. Harry & Mercedes deny it. MERCEDES admits she took LENA to SAMUEL’s guesthouse, as the girl was babysitting the employee’s little kids. MERCEDES asks Lena how she got together with JOHN now and how was he treating her.LENA says she loves Papi JOHN. Admits she ran away from MERCEDES after the fire, not wanting to go back to Argentina, going instead with BARBARA, JOHN’s wife,
MERCEDES admits she had brought LENA illegally into California, in the back of a truck. LENA says she was told to carrying a small silver suitcase which was locked. MERCEDES explained she received message from JOHN with the suitcase, and was told it was a birthday present and to bring it, along with LENA to the party Samuel’s house at the El Dorado polo club in Palm Springs, CA. She just thought there might be a problem if people knew the orphans were running away.
JOHNdenies he was in Argentina at the time. MERCEDES does not have JOHN’s note. She admits that there were not one but two locked suitcases, and she carried the other one. She does not recall where she got the money for the trip, but it was cash. JOHN questioned about his whereabouts during the fire. JOHN is accused of cover up and secret “sin”.
Harry is touchy about FMD (foot & mouth disease) showing up on their sheep ranch in central valley.The sheep have been seized and surprisingly several people have died. He was grilled by govmt agents about his recent trip with John to Cuba. They took his passport, are looking for John. John asks Harry to help him get off the movie ranch—Harry says will think about it.
25.EXT. LODGE- AFTERNOON
An IMP walks by with a baby rattlesnake. JOHNwarn hims it is the baby rattle snake is the most dangerous. The IMP says a prop snake. When he pretends to eat it, the snake bites the IMP in the face. Other IMPs rush to haul him away .
CHUPACABRA tells JOHN that the IMPs are hired drug addicts, cannibals and arsonists, and like their meat lightly roasted. He tells the hostages the IMPS call JOHN “El Quemado” the “burnt one”. He warns JOHN if he’s arrested for trafficking children, he’ll get killed in prison. CHUPA grabs JOHN in a headlock and twists him to the ground, whispering he’s an undercover cop and he’s trying to call in their location on his cell phone but can’t get signal.JOHN doesn’t believe CHUPA, and tells MERCEDES of CHUPA’s statement.
MIDPOINT
26.EXT. DISTANT HILLSIDE -AFTERNOON
The fire is closer. Super scoopers and fire fighting helicopters are seen on the distant hills dropping water & clouds of red Phos-Chek.
27.EXT. LODGE PORCH
JOHNadmits he was in Palm Springs however he was not there at Samuel’s birthday party. He claims his habit to pray when they partied, he was in a nearby chapel at the time of the explosion and fire. None of his children were involved with drugs, they did not need to sell drugs, were never engaged in illegal activity but he prayed for them, “just in case” they might be tempted.
All three Interveners were in Palm Springs at the time. LUCIEN said he refused cocaine offered by JOHN’s son and was out in the stables to checking on the polo ponies, when the explosion occurred. LENA was in the guest cottage, babysitting.
MERCEDES claims she was at her motel and went to bed early that night. Coincidentally HARRY was staying at the same motel and claimed he was drinking… tea in the bar. HARRY saw the light on in MERCEDES room and her walking about inside. Then had a coffee with her. Lucien is skeptical.
LUCIEN shows evidence of a deposit by the Monos Cartel into JOHN’s personal bank account on the day that Lena was taken to Monos home. JOHN denies receiving the money. HARRY challenges LUCIEN—“I thought your records were unavailable”. LUCIEN replies they got burned up in the fire- all except this one that I got later directly from the bank in Rosario. MERCEDES: Why did you take financial paperwork to Palm Springs?
Lucien: Samuel told me he suspected his father, wanted to documentation of my audit.
28.EXT. GALLOWS-DAY
Lucien points out a gallows on the side of the property. LENA says it’s a “movie ranch” gallows and the rope is rubber.
29.EXT. LODGE PORCH -DAY
HARRY notices sores on JOHNarms, reminds everyone he is a geneticist. HARRY reveals he was interviewed by US DA investigators, because there has been an outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease (FMD) in JOHN’s sheep flock in California. While FMD is always zoonotic (transmittable to humans) this new strain is even more virulent and has killed several employees. JOHN’s ranches are now quarantined and all of JOHNs US livestock herds have been impounded and likely to be destroyed. What to keep quiet—the whole of US cattle & sheep exports are threatened, since FMD had been thought eradicated from US since the 1920s. Mercedes recalls Harry and Johnwent to Cuba recently (a locale of FMD) . LENA pipes up that when the suitcase she carried dripped a bloody juice, she assumed by the weight and odor it was a sheep’s head, or Rostro Asado– “Roasted Face”—a BolivJohnsheep’s head dish, something they sometimes ate at the orphanage.
MERCEDES nervously explains getting a message from JOHN about the suitcases, but can’t recall the details. She gave the suitcases to Lucien when she arrived in Palm Spring. LUCIEN said he took the suitcases to the party and left them downstairs in the basement party room and forgot about them. He said he did not see any drug equipment, but he wasn’t looking for it
HARRY accused JOHN of picking up the virus the week before the party on a trip to a farm in Cuba to discuss livestock purchases. LUCIEN claims the FBI told him a package was mailed from CUBA to SAMUEL’s home in Palm Springs during the time that JOHNand HARRY were in CUBA. One of the things that the FBI is looking for is JOHN’s passport. HARRY: Yeah they already took mine.
CHUPA returns to tell them three of the IMPS are covered in painful sores and feeling very poorly. CHUPACABRA suggests the Almighty is likely to strike Johnwith lightening CHUP warns JOHN they electrified the fence and gate—so no more escape attempts. LUCIEN asks CHUPA if the IMPS have a spare can of gasoline, as he needs some for his Jeep.
The Interveners shrink back from JOHN, but keep accusing him of covering up his crimes, and imply JOHN should kill himself, hinting at various methods.
30.EXT. MOTORHOME- AFTERNOON
JOHNbegs HARRY to give him a ride back down the hill. HARRY refuses
31.EXT. TOP OF CLIFF- AFTERNOON
LUCIEN walks JOHN to a nearby cliff, Chupa offers hallucinogenic drugs, but JOHN refuses them,. Chupa promises he will give the drugs instead to the IMPs .At the top of the cliff, LUCIEN discusses with JOHNthe merits of jumping—at first JOHN leans over it, but then shrinks back from the edge. LUCIEN accuses JOHN of being full of pride like Satan. Miguel and Michael appear to lead him back to the cage.
.
THIRD ACT
32.INT. CAGE-EVENING
LENA comes back to the cage with a thermos full of wine that Chupa gave her, and says she has been invited to a hot tub party. John warns her to stick with him. Lena tells John the horse bucked him off because he smells funny. Joshua uses the wine to celebrate Eucharist with the other hostages. John prays again for insight. Joshua mimes while Michael translates about putting on the whole armor of God. Michael opens the locked door once again.
33.EXT. HOT TUB- DUSK
Chupa, Lucien and Harry are drinking in the hot tub. Lucien has a large multi-headed sea monster tattooed on his shoulder. Harry asks, “ So where’sMercedes? Lucien, “Mercedes headed back to Argentina. She’s very angry at Johnbut blaming me. Something about me not seeing the payments. HARRY: Payments? I thought it was just one? Lucien: One kid. She’s mad at you too. HARRY: How’s that? Lucien: Oh women. HARRY : Whatever became of that young actress from Santa Clarita that you were dating? LUCIEN- probably buried in these hills somewhere. He laughs.
34.EXT –OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL FENCE-DUSK
Joshua and Johnlisten from behind the pool fence. They overhear Chupa give a drugged-induced supernatural explanation why the disasters all fell on John. Harry scoffs, saying How would you know? Chupa: “ My boss told me.” Lucien interjects, “undoubtedly it was an eye witness account.”
35.EXT. POOLSIDE-NIGHT
JOSHUA motions and Johnfollows him to the garden shed. Josh mimes putting on the whole armor of God. While Johnguesses his actions. JOSHUA begins cutting off his own dirty braids with a pair of garden snippers. JOHN also cuts his hair and the two men wade into the swimming pool. Wordlessly, JOSHUA forces JOHN’s head underwater. JOHN struggles, fearful he’s being drowned. As he gasps for the surface, JOSHUA forms the cross. JOHN whispers: “oh-a baptism.”
36.EXT. PORCH OF LODGE- JOHN changes into clean white clothing and JOHN leaves his long dirty black coat and hat airing on the porch. JOSHUA wears just white shorts. His body is very scarred.
MICHAEL and Lena arrive. JOHN asks JOSHUA why he didn’t explain himself. But JOSHUA ignores him and starts playing a mournful tune on a pan pipe. MICHAEL tells JOHN that JOSHUA can’t speak, due to having his throat slashed, when fighting to save a group of children from a fire in Iraq. Ironically one of the children he rescued, cut his throat.
37.EXT.VIEW OF HILLS – NIGHT
The wild fire is glowing brightly in the night on the neighboring mountain peak. Coming closer.
CRISIS
38.INT –CAGE- MORNING
JOHN wakes the others. The electricity is off. It is very smoky.
39.EXT. LODGE-MORNING
The Jeep and the Motorhome are gone. CHUPA is found hanged on gallows.
As they walk to the lodge, the IMPS are heard shrieking and yelling and revving motorcycles. JOSHUA throws on John’s old coat and hat. Two IMPs on motorcycle with a lance attack. Joshua is stabbed and dragged off in John’splace. One IMP yells they are coming back for the girl. Lena has twisted her leg.
40.EXT –MOUNTAINSIDE ABOVE THE RANCH
JOHN carries Lena piggy back, and Michael follows to escape up the mountain. They see ostriches and other exotic animals. Michael recites God’s response from the Book of Job. They are chased by a single IMP on a motorcycle carrying the lance. The three hide rather unconvincunder a camouflage blanket. The IMP drawn away from them when seeing JOSHUA who reappears alive, but dripping blood, and galloping on the white horse toward a different ridge.
41.EXT. CLEFT IN MOUNTAINSIDE BOULDERS- DAY
The hostages take shelter in a cave-like rock formation, where Lena makes characoal drawings and Miguel recites about the Leviathan. Johnrepents of his pride. They hear Lucien’s Jeep, and come out thinking they are being rescued.
CLIMAX
42.EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE CAVE- DAY
Lucien is below them next to his jeep in the dry brush which covers the hillside. JOHNexpresses how much LUCIEN had been like a son to him. LUCIEN is wearing CHUPA’s Draco sunglasses. Lucien reacts revealing jealousy and insecurity, admits SAMUEL was preparing to tell his father about LUCIEN’s drug use, interest in young girls and LUCIEN’s trips to Cuba with Monos, so LUCIEN planned to cover up killing Samuel and take over as the heir., even if it meant killing JOHN too. After all BARBARA always trusted him and he could end up “managing” JOHN’s wealth.
JOHN says he doesn’t know all Lucien’s done but he could be forgiven, its still not too late to stop going down this self destructive path . He offers to pray for Lucien.
Lucien demands “Skin for your Skin”, save yourself, give me the girl. He sloshes gasoline from a gas can onto the hillside below their hideout and threatens to set it alight. John replies: I will not engage in child sacrifice. Lucien: Give up, your God has abandoned you. John replies, Though he slay me, I will still trust Him. Lucien: Empty your pockets. Michael pulls out a bunch of keys on a ring. “What’s that? Faith-“the key of David”. Michael cites Rev 3-7-8 . A door to the underworld. Toss it here: Michael lobs the keys underhand.
LUCIEN laughs and steps back, the keys hit the ground, sparking a fire that runs up into his gas can, blowing himself up and the explosion ignites the dry hillside. JOHN gathers MICHAEL and LENA in his arms as the fire rushes uphill toward them.
RESOLUTION
43.EXT. RIDGELINE ABOVE THE CAVE-DAY
A super scooper lumbers over the ridge and blankets them all with red Fos-chek. LUCIEN’s fire is extinguished.
A forest service helicopter lands and HARRY steps off with firefighters he had summoned. Harry had come to his senses. Harry had received news that the supposed variant FMD was not in fact a disease but a chemical that was sprayed on the animals, likely by Lucien, causing sores that mimicked the disease. John: Then what were those sores on the IMPs? Harry: I suspect you have shingles and those of them that were unvaccinated contracted measles from your shingles He asks John to help him go back on the wagon.
44.INT. COVERED VERANDA OF LUXIOUS ESTATE:
Its an adoption celebration with all the orphans and Joshua , Michael , Harry and other friends. Lena plays the piano & all the little kids sing for John and Barbara. As they finish the recital, the children are gathered up into the arms of their new adoptive parents.
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Caroline’s Scene Ratings
What I learned: I have really pared this down to just the essentials.
Beat Sheet
1. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
(E 10) Nick and his work pals are working on the construction site when Ella walks by. They cat-call her and she responds back.
2. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
(E9) Nick and his work pals are fired because their boss has not paid his taxes.
3. INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
(E8) Nick’s girlfriend kicks him out of their shared apartment, and he must move back in with his parents.
4. INT. EMPLOYMENT OFFICE – DAY
(E5) Nick aces a typing test at an employment office and gets sent on an interview for an executive assistant.
5. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E10) Nick is hired as an executive assistant at the same office Ella works, but he doesn’t know it. His boss, James, is a ball buster.
6. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E10) Ella can’t believe her tormenter works in her office. She confronts Nick and he realizes who she is. She vows to make his life miserable.
7. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E10) Ella is asked by her boss to teach Nick Excel. She grudgingly agrees.
8. INT. BAR – NIGHT
(E6) Ella’s friends from work tell her that they like him. Ella feels betrayed.
9. INT. BAR – NIGHT
(E10) Nick confesses to his narc father that he was unnecessarily mean to Ella when she would walk by his construction site and now he works with her. His dad tells him to apologize. He runs into Ray, his old boss, who tells him that he is getting a crew back together.
10. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E8) Nick apologizes to Ella ham-handedly but she doesn’t think he is sincere. She decides to sabotage him.
11. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E9) Nick tries to fit in to the office culture and has some success. He catches on quickly and is clever, impressing Ella. He connects with a customer, Harold West, who owns a building that Nick worked on.
12. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E10) Nick invites Ella to lunch. She decides to go. Nick defends her from a boor on the street. Ella starts to thaw a bit. Ella’s mother is pressuring her to go out with a family friend. Ella resists.
13. INT. BAR – NIGHT
(E10) Nick, Ella and work friends, Jesse and Claire, go out to a bar after work. They run into Nick’s construction pals. Nick doesn’t take their bait and Ella overhears him defending her. Julie is there and wants to get back together. Nick says no and Ella overhears this. She decides to fix the sabotage.14. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E10) James goes ballistic when the mistake is discovered; Ella did not have time to fix it. She admits to making the mistake, but Nick takes responsibility and is fired.15. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
(E10) Nick is walking home and sees Ray at a construction site. He stops and gets his old job back.
16. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E 4) Ella feels terrible about getting Nick fired. James asks her to help him by answering his phone.17. EXT. BAR – NIGHT
(E10) Ella, Jessie and Claire walk to the bar that Nick hangs out at. They see him leaving with Julie. Ella puts on a good face but cries when she walks home.18. INT. ELLA’S HOUSE -NIGHT
(E7) Ella tells her mother she will go out with the family friend.
19. INT. JULIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
(E10) Julie asks Nick for forgiveness. Nick forgives her.
20. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E7) OFFSCREEN: Harold West calls and asks about Nick. Ella tells him that Nick was let go. Harold asks for his number and Ella gives it to him. ONSCREEN: Ella goes on a date with Edgar.21. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
(E8) Nick sees another man in a suit talking to Ray. The scene is familiar.
22. INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
(E5) Nick enters the coffee shop and looks around for Ella. He instead sees a woman handing James a big envelope. Claire walks into a coffee shop and sees Nick. Nick asks about Ella. Claire says Nick should call her.23. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E5) James tells Ella he just saw Nick at the coffee shop. Claire tells Ella that Nick is working on a new building.
24. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – AFTERNOON
(E6) Ray tells Nick that Julie has been telling everyone they are back together had been seeing Elam throughout the summer.
25. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – AFTERNOON
(E5) Ella walks by the site but work has stopped for the day. Ella gets a text from Edgar and they set up a date.
26. INT. NICK’S PARENTS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
(E1) Julie keeps texting Nick. He doesn’t respond.
27. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – MORNING
(E7) Nick goes to the construction site but signs are posted that say No Trespassing. Nick tells the other workers what’s up.
28. INT. NICK’S PARENTS’ HOUSE – DAY
(E1) Nick stands in the kitchen and gets a call from Harold West inviting him to come down to his office for a chat.
29. INT. HAROLD WEST’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON
(E5) Nick meets Harold at his office. Harold offers Nick a job and says that Ella gave him his number. Nick accepts the job.30. INT. OFFICE – DAY
(E5) Ella gets a text from Edgar and wants to crawl out of her skin. She puts on her coat to go get a coffee.
31. INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
(E9) Ella gets in line and looks around. She sees Nick all dressed up talking to the blond from the bar. Julie is trying to talk to Nick about getting back together. Nick notices Ella leave the diner. He gets up and chases after her.32. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK – DAY
(E9) Nick follows Ella back to the office building. Edgar is waiting for her and hugs her. Nick turns away.33. INT. ELLA’S DESK – LATE AFTERNOON
(E9) Claire stops by Ella’s desk and Ella tells her she made a mistake and that she really likes Nick.
34. INT. BAR – NIGHT
(E10) Ella and Claire are at the bar. Ella runs into Nick by the bathrooms. They go outside.35. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK – NIGHT
(E10) Ella and Nick talk. Julie comes up to Nick and he tells her they are over. Ella confesses getting Nick fired. Nick forgives her. He thanks her for the job tip. They start over.
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Rebecca’s Scene Ratings – Day #7
What I learned doing this assignment is that I unexpectedly found quite a lot of the scenes entertaining. I tried being tougher on myself. It seems that the lower grade scenes were mostly small transitional scenes; part of the coming beat, etc. I think I may have given myself some unfair stinker numbers.
I had quite a lot of highly entertaining scenes compared to the less entertaining scenes, which is what pleasantly surprised me. That may change later; however, I tried to be hard on myself.
1. (E10) EXT. FESTIVAL – DUSK
STAGE
The orange sky looms beyond the stage where BAND members take their places. The MC, at the mic center stage, enthusiastically introduces the band. Cheers from the eager crowd swell.
AUDIENCE
DRUMMER, stoic with focus of a cat, starts a slow sexy familiar beat. A rumble of recognition as the crowd closes in on the stage.
2. (E10) BACK STAGE, PARKING LOT
PAUL, 50’s, lead guitarist, a tall drink of true blue, leggy with a subtle rock star swagger, appears from the stage and looks out… Just as a pick up truck, clearly used for farming, screeches into the lot and slams into a spot. Paul flies down the stairs with purpose.
It’s RACHEL, 50’s, a bat out of hell, jumps out of her truck, buttons up her shirt. And though she is dressed like a rock star with a 70’s vibe, she is disheveled with spills of white, red and black paint dried on her face and hands and in her unruly mane of hair. She flips her head over, combs it out with her fingers and tosses it back. Grabs her hairspray from the truck and sprays a quick circle around her head.
Paul swoops in, automatically unloads Rachel’s gig bag from the truck. Rachel grabs her guitar, runs alongside Paul toward the stage where the beat of the drums continue to seduce the restless patrons.
PAUL
You okay?
RACHEL
I will be.
PAUL
You have a shit ton of paint in your hair.
RACHEL
Yea. Sorry. My Uncle Ben shot himself in the head.
PAUL
Holy crap.
RACHEL
He’s dead.
PAUL
… I’m so sorry.
RACHEL
Oh well.
At the backstage stairs. Rachel gets her guitar from the bag while Paul grabs the rest of her gear.
RACHEL
Oh my God! I have to pee so bad!
They run up the stairs and onto the stage. Crowd goes nuts.
3. (E10) EXT. FESTIVAL – NIGHT
MUSIC. The band rocks out their final encore! (Suggested: Rebels by Tom Petty, or original Soldier On).
AUDIENCE
A wavy sea of lighters sway back and forth and dance in the dark to the rhythm of the MUSIC. The tide rolls in and hugs the stage as the song erupts to its finish.
STAGE
Rachel, statuesque center stage, resembles a triumphant warrior in one of her own paintings. Her tambourine held high quivers to a climax. Rachel belts her last note. Band follows with an extended flourish. Budump!!
The crowd howls and chants for more. “One more! One more!”
RACHEL
Thank you everyone! You’re awesome. Thanks for having us here. It’s been a great pleasure playing for you tonight. See you next time. You rock!
On their way off, the Band bows and waves. More excitement from the crowd.
BACK STAGE
A blocked off parking lot. A latrine. Gear. Coolers filled with beer and water. CREW hustles to strike and reset for the next act. The band mates crack open beers. Load out their gear. Various, “Great show everyone.” “Awesome job.” “Let’s do it again.” “Next week!”
Rachel grabs two beers from the cooler. Pops one open. Guzzles. Packs up her guitar, gig bag. Paul zips up one of several guitar bags and head back to the stage. A hand on Rachel’s shoulder. She gasps. Takes his hand.
4. (E7) EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE – LATER
YARD
Small party. Band mates, wives and a couple of friends sit around a fire pit spouting off. Getting loud at times. Laughing.
DRIVEWAY
Paul leans over the open window of Rachel’s truck talking to her. She starts the engine. Leans back to look at Paul.
PAUL
I’m glad you came.
etc….
Rachel laughs, puts the truck in reverse. Paul joins her in this laugh at his expense. Truck backs down and out of the driveway. Paul waves.
5. (E9) EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY – CONTINUOUS
Truck cruises along the dark road, and abyss.
MONTAGE
5a. EXT. CHICAGO, BUCKINGHAM FOUNTAIN – DAY 1972
RACHEL, 8, with WILLY, 6, her Spanish speaking spitting image. They laugh and jump. Taunt waves at one another.
THE GRASS
BETH, 26, poised on a blanket. Wears a straw wide brimmed hat to protect her fair skin. She reads an interesting book. Looks up. Smiles at the kids. Waves. Back to book.
5b. EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – DAY 1973
A busy down town city street. A black top school yard situated in front of a rectangular concrete institution of a school lined with doors whipping open and shut as kids emerge wearing sweaters and backpacks, looking for their parents.
CHAIN LINK FENCE
Rachel, 9, waits outside the chain link fence. Then. A door flies open. There’s WILLY, 7, thumbs tucked under the straps of his backpack. He spots Rachel. A wide grin with gaping spaces where teeth should be. He runs to Rachel. Throws his arms around her. She swings him round and round. Til his feet fly in the air.
5c. EXT. PARK – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel and Willy size up the swings set. Willy gets into a seat. Rachel makes him fly high in the sky. Willy giggles with delight.
5d. EXT. HIGH RISE – CONTINUOUS
They walk toward a high rise apartment building. Disappear inside.
BACK TO:
6. (E7) EXT. FARM, DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
TRUCK
Rachel’s truck whips onto a long rocky driveway surrounded by farm land, various lit pastures. Mostly empty except for the random cow. Donkey. Horse.
Rachel, with an exaggerated twang, sings loud along with the old school country MUSIC on the radio.
A couple of horses knowingly stretch their necks over the fence.
RACHEL
Hello beauties!
MONTAGE
8. (E8) EXT. RANCH – DAY 1974
chicken coup catch a duck for dinner
9. (E5) EXT. ARENA – DAY 1974
Rachel, rides the Palomino western style, practices barrel racing techniques. HILLARY, late 20’s, tall statuesque beauty, side coaches afoot from the other side of the fence.
10. (E7) INT. ARENA – DUSK 1974
Rachel rides a chestnut English style, alongside older more experienced teen agers. They practice jumps. Cue Rachel from the other side and pass a joint. Someone offers Rachel a joint. She takes it not sure what to do with it. One of the teens gives her a quick lesson. She chokes a little. They laugh, “she’s christened” and head out for a trail ride.
BACK TO:
11. (E5) EXT. FARM – CONTINUOUS
RACHEL’S BARN
Rachel’s truck approaches. Passes several barns and a large house. Parks in front of the small well lit barn. Just steps away from a much larger barn.
Rachel hops out. Unloads the truck.
12. (E9) INT. HORSE BARN – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel now in a flannel button down and tall rubber boots, cares for and loves on the horse. Feeds and waters.
13. (E7) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – CONTINUOUS
Rachel enters. Slips out of her boots. Hangs her jacket on the hook. Flips open the laptop on her desk. Pours herself a scotch. Sips. Looks at the pic board as she rolls a joint. Lights up. Long drag.
Looks through a box of photos. Finds some old pictures of the ranch with horses and a chicken coup and cattle. Studies a picture of Hillary and Cliff watching Rachel, 10, milk a cow. Laughs.
14. (E7) INT. FARM, DINING ROOM – NIGHT 1974
Rachel shows Hillary and Cliff her drawings and aptitude for art like her mom and uncle.
15. (E8) INT. HIGH RISE APT, HALLWAY – DAY 1974
Hillary brings Rachel back home to her Mom who has just returned from a long trip. Rachel is uncomfortable with her Mom. Prefers Hillary. Mom judges Rachel.
BACK TO:
16. (E8) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – LATER
Rachel finds a picture of Willy, at age 3.
17. (E8) EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – DAY 1973
Rachel waits in a blizzard, outside the chain link fence, for Willy.
18. (E8) INT. SAN JUAN AIRPORT – DAY 1972
Rachel meets her Dad who she at first thinks is an Uncle.
BACK TO:
19. INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MORNING (MOVED MESSAGE TO OPENING. ***Inciting Event NOW HAPPENED BEFORE BEG. WE KNOW.)
Phone rings. Blinding rays of light shift. Rachel, passed out on the couch. Aunt Nina calls (*** TO SEE IF RACHEL GOT HER MESSAGE ABOUT UNCLE… NEED TO CHANGE SOME DIALOGUE TO SUPPORT AT THE THE TOP OF CALL.)
20. (E8) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – DAY (MOVE THIS SCENE TO THE END OF NIGHT BEFORE SHE PASSES OUT.)
Rachel finds a picture of herself at 16, lounging on a blanket in the grass with her now dead Uncle Ben. Inspects the pic. Pins it to the board away from any clusters.
21. (E9) INT. DINING ROOM – DAY 1976
Family feud on Easter. Mom/Beth shows up way late after Easter dinner, proceeds to kill the vibe and then proceeds to criticize the way her family takes care of Rachel. Bad influence. Family gangs up on Beth for her negligence and lack of gratitude. *****Uncle Ben is introduced. ****Need to elevate this.
BACK TO:
22. (E8) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – EVENING
Rachel, at the computer, finishes a scotch. Pours another. Paces. Picks up a picture of Beth.
RACHEL
So where you at these days? Hmmmm… Mummy Dearest?
23. (E8) INT. HIGH RISE APT – EVENING 1973
The living room cast in blue while the voice of Shirley Temple croons from a tiny black and white screen TV propped on a chest. Rachel plays with her barbies. Phone rings. Mom calls to check in and finds out that Willy didn’t make it home from school.
BACK TO:
24. (E9) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – LATER
Dark MUSIC. Rachel, in time with the music, hurls furious gut wrenching strokes of black and blue paint onto a partially realized painting.
A loud knock at the door. Rachel jumps and screams.
AUNT NINA
Yoo-hoo!!!!
Aunt Nina stops by unexpectedly with the last address she has for Mom/Beth. She also brings some boxes that Mom left in her basement.
25. (E9) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel holds the piece of paper with the address on it in one hand. Hits a joint with her other. Threatens to light the piece of paper on fire. Instead, balls it up and tosses it into the trash.
Grabs her jacket with conviction. Steps into her boots. Throws back the rest of a scotch. Slams door on her way out.
26. (E9) INT. BIG BARN – CONTINUOUS
Rachel, tipsy, feeds horses and tops off their water. Talks things through with the horses. Therapy.
27. (E7) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MORNING
Disarray. Rachel, still covered in paint. Already has a fresh cup of coffee. Sees the overstuffed trash can. Dumps it and finds the wad with the address on it. Irons it flat. Stares at it. Sips coffee.
Googles the address. Too far. On hold with town’s police station to have them go to her Mom’s house with a message to call her.
28. (E8) EXT. PRIVATE SCHOOL – DAY 1973
Rachel’s Dad unexpectedly visits her at school. She feels special.
BACK TO:
29. (E7) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MOMENTS LATER
On speaker phone with police station. Rachel has a message sent to her Mom’s house to call her.
30. (E9) LOFT
Rachel on the bed. Stares at the ceiling. Hits the joint.
31. (E9) EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – DAY 1973
Blizzard. School yard covered in snow. Rachel, 9, waits outside the chain link fence. Dad just around the corner puts Willy in the back seat of the rental car.
BACK TO:
32. (E9) LOFT
Rachel swipes tears from her cheeks and neck. Stubs out the joint. Goes to her closet. Pulls hangers. Violently throws clothes on the bed.
33. (E5) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – EVENING
Rachel dressed sexy. Finishes make up at the mirror. Lipstick. Fixes hair. Throws back the rest of a scotch. Grabs a different jacket. Checks the mirror, again. Leaves.
34. (E6) INT. PUB – NIGHT
Local pub with the usuals. MUSIC on the juke box.
Rachel, at the bar, drinks beer and shots with BUCK, 50, handsome, fit farmer. They’re drunk. Laughing. Bumping into each other.
35. (E9) INT. LOFT – LATER
Rachel and Buck have stupid drunk sex.
36. (E7) INT. SMALL BARN – MORNING
LOFT
Rachel wakes Buck, tells him he’s gotta go.
SMALL BARN
Buck awkwardly climbs down the ladder from the loft. Rachel gives him a coffee to go and kicks him out. Dials a number and puts phone on speaker. Paces. Takes a picture of Beth from the board. Sneers hard at it.
37. (E7) INT. HIGH RISE APT – NIGHT 1973
Winter. Moon lights the living room through a wall of windows. SOUND, static of walkies over slushy traffic from Lake Shore Drive.
Three OFFICERS huddle in a circle. Beth paces. Erratic. Exchanges on walkies. Rachel, 9, perched in the corner of the couch, rocking back and forth, weeping.
Phone rings.
BETH AND RACHEL (OS)
Hello.
BACK TO:
38. (E-3) INT. RACHEL’S BARN
Rachel on speaker phone, second call to police station. No news. Officer left a note for Mom.
***** maybe a beat showing stir crazy and resistance.
39. (E-3) INT. LOFT – DAY
Rachel, hair wet, dresses with purpose. Whips articles of clothing from drawers to duffel bag. Shoves it all in. Zips it up. Drops it over the ledge.
40. (E3) EXT. RACHEL’S BARN – MOMENTS LATER ***** Purpose check****
Rachel tosses her duffel bag and guitar into her truck. Off to the barn. Slides the big door open. Whinnies of delight are heard from the stalls.
Rachel finishes up her work and leaves, many goodbyes and kisses later.
TRUCK
Rachel, behind the wheel, coasts up the road. Sees FARM OWNERS, 60’s, on their lawn. Waves. Rolls the window down. Thanks them.
42. EXT. MIDWESTERN HIGHWAY ROAD – DUSK ***PURPOSE??
PICK UP TRUCK
Rachel, at the wheel, sings along to MUSIC. The scalding sun hovers like a raging fire alongside the desolate thirsty highway. Rachel turns the music off. The sound of wind and tires turning on the pavement.
43. (E-8) EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – DAY 1973
Snow flurries create a blur. Rachel at the chain link fence. Willy’s eyes on her from a hole in the fogged up back seat window as it slowly fogs back up. Slush SPLASHES on the street. Rachel pulls her hood over her head. Leaves.
44. EXT. PARK – MOMENTS LATER
Stillness. Swings covered in snow.
45. EXT. HIGH RISE BUILDING – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel disappears into the high rise building.
BACK TO:
46. (E-6) EXT. ROAD – EVENING
TRUCK
Rachel suddenly pulls off to the side of the road. Discouraged. Smokes some weed. Resets. Then. Screeches back onto the road. Takes a deep angry breath. Pounds on the steering wheel. Chants the fuck song.
A long wide country road. Pedal to the metal. Flips MUSIC on loud. Rachel thrashes in rhythm.
47. (E-5) EXT. BETH’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rachel arrives at the house. Turns MUSIC down. Meets Glen and Sheila who are renting her mom’s house. They invite her in. She declines.
48. (E-4) EXT. GAS STATION – CONTINUOUS
Rachel pumps gas. Sees the pub next-door.
49. (E-7) INT. PUB – LATER
Rachel, at the bar. Parties with GUY. Waves off his advances. He’s belligerent.
50. (E-3) INT. PICK UP TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel cruises along the deserted highway. Answers Paul’s call. She missed rehearsal.
51. (E-8) INT. PICK UP TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Rachel, distracted, looks for a lighter, crashes the car into a light post. Bumps her head. Freezes. Touches her head. Looks in the mirror. Looks around. It’s a ghost town.
52. (E-7) EXT. ROADSIDE – LATER
Rachel has pulled off to side of the road. TOW GUY, 40’s, hooks her truck up to his rig..,
53. (E-7) INT. TOW TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Rachel tucked in the passenger seat with her bag and guitar piled on her lap. Tow Guy drives. Silence. Drops her off at Glen and Sheila’s house. Rachel flips him off.
54. EXT. HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Rachel sits on the stoop. Checks the time. Wraps her jacket around her.
55. EXT. BEACH – DAWN 1977
Rachel takes in the sun as it rises over the lake.
56. (E-4) EXT. THE HEDGES – CONTINUOUS
Rachel disappears into the hedges that line the corner mansion.
She finds a small concealed clearing on the grass. Curls up into a ball tries to cover herself with the jacket.
BACK TO:
_______________________________ACT 2___________________________________
57. (E-6) INT. HOUSE – NIGHT ***CONTINUE TO WORK ON PURPOSE OF THIS SCENE. Turning Point.
GUEST ROOM
Rachel in awe of Glen and Sheila, in their pajamas, having invited her in to spend the night in their guest room. They turndown the bed and get her towels; show her the hotel drawer with all the soaps and shampoos, etc. Once alone, Rachel opens the hotel drawer, takes out some cotton balls and antiseptic. Looks in the mirror. Cleans her wound. It stings.
58. (E-9) EXT. STREET – EVENING 1977
BROWN STONE
Rachel, 13, in a skimpy shirt, crosses the street and briskly heads toward a row of brown stone apartment buildings. Stops in front of a doorway.
She spits into tissue. Swipes makeup from her face. Pops a piece of gum in her mouth. Takes a button down shirt from her purse and puts it on.
59. (E-9) INT. BROWN STONE APT- CONTINUOUS
HALLWAY
Rachel skulks down the dimly lit hallway toward her bedroom door. Voices come from the dining room at the end of the hall. Just as Rachel ducks into her room, Beth, 31, enters from the dining room. She wears a kimono. Hair in place with chop sticks.
BETH
You’re late for dinner. I told you to be home before dark.
59 a. DINING ROOM
At the dinner table. Silence. Beth and MASA, 28, Rachel’s Japanese speaking stepfather, athletic build, watch with disapproval as Rachel moves the food around on her plate.
Rachel’s leg shakes under the table causing the table to rattle. She dumps soy sauce over her rice and has separated all of the water chestnuts from the rest of her meal.
Masa pounds on the table.
Beth finds an extension cord. Turns it into a whip. Heads toward Rachel’s bedroom. Bullies her way in.
60. (E-9) INT. BROWN STONE APT – LATER 1977
HALLWAY
The bedroom door opens. Rachel peeks out of her room. Looks both ways. Duffel bag in tow, Rachel tippy toes to the kitchen. Carefully slips out the back door.
BACK TO:
61. (E-4) INT. GUEST ROOM – NIGHT
Lap top falls to the floor. Rachel starts awake. Gives in and smokes some weed, blows it out the window. Gets a bottle of water. Reads what she’s written.
62. (E-7) INT. STEW’S APT – HALLWAY – NIGHT 1977
CARLEE, 40, Stew’s mom, eccentric with wild hair, in her bedroom at the end of the hall. She wears a long silk robe over a black negligee. Smokes a joint. She sashays about the room, looking at herself in the mirror. Hums along to MUSIC.
Wakes Stew and Rachel in the middle of the night and out of the blue sends Rachel home on her own.
63. (E-8) INT. ENTRANCE OF APARTMENT BLDG – LATER
Rachel gets entry to an apartment building and piles up her bags in the corner under the stairwell to make a pillow, curls up, tries to get as comfortable and as concealed as possible. Swollen, heavy, bloodshot sockets.
63 a. DAWN
Rachel sleeps, still curled up in the same position.
The SOUND of a door being closed and locked just a couple of flights above her.
Rachel jolts awake.
The SOUND of footsteps descend the stairs.
Rachel jumps up, quickly gathers her things and quietly slips out the door.
64. (E-9) EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING – CONTINUOUS
Rachel walks quickly to the sidewalk.
A BUSINESS MAN, 30’s, emerges from the building. Walks briskly as he buttons up his jacket. He is startled when he looks up to see Rachel standing in his path, but immediately dismisses her and continues down the street. Rachel spins, uncertain where to go.
65. (E-6) EXT. BEACH – MOMENTS LATER 1977
A Mansion situated on a corner, faces the lake with a beach just beyond the street. Well quaffed hedges line the property.Rachel, 13, stands at the corner. Takes in the rising sun. Its reflection on the horizon of the lake.
BACK TO:
66. (E-6) INT. GUEST ROOM – MORNING
Blinding rays light the room. Rachel, in bed awake. Covers her face. Sits up. Rests her forehead in her hands. Moans. Takes a moment to recall where she is. Woozy. Sucks the last drops of water from the bottle. Pulls the curtain to shade the room. Looks in the mirror at the bags under her eyes. A small patch of dried blood on her forehead. Digs in her duffel. Then remembers the sock next to the bed. Takes a couple bumps from last nights packet. Grabs the towel and her toiletries.
67. (E-6) INT. SHOWER – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel showers. Water pours over her face.
68. (E-7) INT. STEW’S APARTMENT – MORNING 1977
KITCHEN
Kitchen door opens. Rachel, 13, peeks her head in. Listens for a moment, then tip toes through the kitchen and stops. Peers down the long hallway. All clear. Rachel glides down the hall and disappears into the bathroom. SOUND of the shower being turned on.
*******SMOOTH OUT FROM HERE DOWN TO BREAKFAST WITH G AND S.
69. (E-8) INT. DINER – DAY 1977
Rachel at a booth by the window, dressed nice with make up, drinks coffee and smokes a cig. The want ads are open in front of her. Several job listings have been circled, but one in particular is heavily circled with notes written on it. Rachel stubs out her cigarette. Ashtray is full. **** Add back in convo with waitress about hiring.
70. (E-7) EXT. DINER – MOMENTS LATER
A black Mercedes rolls up and stops in front of the diner. NORM, mid 40’s, stocky, bald, gets out of the car. Waves.
Rachel meets Norm at the car. He puts her bags in the trunk. Drives off.
72. (E-8) INT. NORM’S CAR – MORNING
Silence… A different day. Tension. Norm jaw locked. Looks straight ahead. Rachel, in the passenger seat, holds her bags tightly on her lap. Looks out her window. Finally. Norm abruptly pulls over onto the side of the road. Let’s Rachel out to hitch a ride.
73. (E-8) EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Norm peels off. Makes a U turn. Rachel flips him off.
HIGHWAY RAMP
Rachel lights a smoke. Stick her thumb up whenever a car or truck passes. Eventually, a huge red Mac truck slows. Passes by Rachel. Pulls over and stops. Rachel runs to the truck. Climbs in.
EXT. (E-7) DINER – CONTINUOUS
Mac truck pulls up and stops in front of the diner. Rachel climbs down from the truck. Crosses the street and enters the diner. She can be seen inside the diner talking to the waitress. The waitress disappears into the back leaving Rachel sitting alone at the same booth. She looks out the same window, drinks coffee and smokes a cig.
71. (E-8) INT. NORM’S PHOTO STUDIO – NIGHT
The studio walls are tastefully covered with photographs of celebrities. Lights are seductively dimmed. A wall of rolled up back drops. A deep red velvet swatch of fabric sways to the floor. Lit by a single pin of light. Where Rachel sits frozen on a wooden stool. She wears make up and red lipstick. Hair tousled, tries to be sexy. Norm crouches. Looks through his camera lens. Rachel sees Jenny standing in the doorway. Jenny, messy braids, holds her doll. Tears spring from her eyes. Norm takes her back to bed, leaving Rachel alone.
74. (E-5) INT. JENNY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Every little girl’s fairy tale room. Jenny snuggled up on the bed of pink clouds, asleep in the crook of Rachel’s elbow. Finishes the last few lines. The End. Rachel tucks Jenny in. Looks at the whole of the room.
BACK TO:
75. (E-7) EXT. DINER – CONTINUOUS
The waitress returns with an apron and paperwork/schedule for Rachel. Rachel stubs out another cig. Finishes her coffee. Says goodbye and leaves the diner. Walks down the street toward the L station.
BACK TO:
76. (E-6) INT. GLEN AND SHEILA’S HOUSE – MORNING
KITCHEN
Rachel at the kitchen table has breakfast with Glen and Sheila. Glen gives Rachel an old PO Box address where they used to send their rents checks. They talk about having met Rachel’s mom and show her the handy work she’s done around the house.
78. (E-8) INT. GUEST ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel, sits on the bed with bags and guitar in hand, overwhelmed with feelings. Takes deep breaths.
79. (E-9) INT. SMALL HIGH RISE APT – NIGHT 1973
Winter. Moon lights the living room. A wall of windows. SOUND of wet traffic from the drive below.
Three OFFICERS huddle in a circle. Exchanges on walkies. Rachel, 9, perched in the corner of the couch, rocking back and forth, weeping. Phone rings. Beth answers.
This time, Rachel remembers the entire phone call to the end..
BACK TO:
80. (E-8) INT. GUEST ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Rachel still on the bed. Hugs her things tightly. Tears roll relentlessly down her cheeks.
81. (E-2) EXT. TOW TRUCK LOT – DAY
Rachel exits the Tow truck office. Gets her duffel, guitar and care package from the bench. Sees Glen and Sheila still waiting. Smiles. Waves vigorously. Glen and Sheila ride off waving back.
82. (E-6) TRUCK
Rachel finds her truck. On the road again. Turns MUSIC on. Recognizes the song. Sings along.
_________________________Act 3___________________________________
83. (E-7) EXT. CITY INTERSECTION – DAY 1972
Same MUSIC continues. BETH’S CAR, at light, BUMPS to the beat.
Rachel, 8, dances in passenger seat with Beth,26, at the wheel, pumps the break. They laugh and rock in the car. “Ga-sha-gow-gow-gow Ga-sha-gow-gow-gow. I can’t stop this feeling.” More laughter.
BACK TO:
TRUCK
Same SONG continues. Rachel laughs and sings along.
RACHEL
“Ga-sha-gow-gow-gow” “I can’t stop this feeling. Deep inside of me. Girl you just don’t realize what you do to me.”
84. (E-2)EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – CONTINUOUS
Rachel whips into a spot in front of the store.
85. (E-2) TRUCK
With bags, Rachel gets back into the truck. Still parked, eats chips. Swigs from fresh pint of JD. Washes it back with water. Calls Paul to explain that she needs more time and will be back in a week.
*****WORK ON SCENE/CALL WITH PAUL PURPOSE.
86. (E-3) EXT. HIGHWAY – LATER
TRUCK
Rachel’s truck cruising along, suddenly swerves onto the side of the road.
She gets out. Lights the joint. Stretches her legs. Takes in the land. Sloppy yoga poses toward the sunset.
87. (E-8) INT. STEW’S BEDROOM – DAY 1977
Stew, 16, and Rachel, 13, curled up on his bed, naked. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!! They jump. Freeze. Lock eyes. Beth has shown up with Warren the probation officer looking for Rachel.
88. (E-8) INT. STELLA’S BDRM – CONTINUOUS
She runs into Stella’s room and leaps into the walk in closet.
89. (E-8) INT. STEW’S BDRM – CONTINUOUS
Stew peeks out the door.
STEW
No. I have not.
90. (E-8) INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
Beth and WARREN, probation officer, 30-40, large, not to be messed with, handsome black man, stand at the back door questioning Carlee. Beth is looking for Rachel who is hiding in the closet and overhears her mother say that she will choose her new husband over her if it comes down to it.
BACK TO:
91. (E4) EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD – EVENING
TRUCK
Rachel asleep in the front seat. Police Officer wraps on the window. Rachel jumps. He tells her to move along.
92. (E-5) INT. CRAPPY MOTEL, FRONT DESK – NIGHT
Rachel weighted down with stuff, drags her tired ass down the dim hallway with stained carpet tiles.
93. (E-5) EXT. APT. COURT YARD BUILDING – DAY 1977
Rachel returns to the apartment mgr to secure the apartment she wants to rent.
BACK TO:
94. (E-2) INT. BAR – NIGHT
Dive bar. It’s dead. BARTENDER, 60, does a crossword puzzle at the far end of the bar. Rachel alone looks at her phone. “How’s it going? Call me later.” Ignores texts from Paul. Takes her mood out on the pinball machine.
95. (E-4) INT. STEW’S CAR – DUSK 1977
Stew, 16, drives. Rachel, 13, in the passenger seat. They share a joint. Coasting down an alley behind brown stone apartment buildings.
GALLEY WAY
They turn into a galley way between two buildings. Rachel goes inside and throws her clothes out the 2nd story window. They shove it all in the car and take off.
As Stew turn back into the alley. A squad car saddles up. Lights flashing.
Rachel now wears a Cubs cap. Stew rolls his window down. Cop lets them go. Close call. Phew!
BACK TO:
95a. (E-3) INT. BAR – CONTINUOUS
On pin ball machine stacking up a climax and then loses the game. SOUND of wu wu wu wu, you lose.
96. (E-6) INT. CRAPPY MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
*******Rachel sets up the room with towels on the bed……..
97. (E-4) INT. RACHEL’S APARTMENT – DAY 1977 ****WORK ON THIS LITTLE SECTION LEADING TO POST OFFICE.
Rays of sunshine beam across the freshly sanded floor illuminating the just painted living room. The apartment Mgr hands Rachel the keys. She smiles to herself. It’s a good day.
BACK TO:
PLACEHOLDER? WHAT ABOUT US MAIL JEEP SCENE? THIS!!!
98. (E-2) EXT. POST OFFICE – MORNING
Rachel smiles to herself as she approaches the Post Office. It’s a beautiful day.
99. (E-8) INT. POST OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Rachel finds her Mom’s PO box that is still being used. She speaks with the Post Master who is able to give her some information about her Mom. Rachel leaves her phone number with the Post Master to give to the woman who picks up the mail.
Eleanor, the older woman who picks up Beth’s mail, enters the Post Office just as Rachel exits.
100. (E-8) EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS
Rachel meanders about the town taking in its southern charm. Peeks into shop windows. Then disappears into a coffee shop.
101. (E-8) EXT. STREET – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel backs out of the coffee shop. Arms full of goodies and a cup of coffee. Nearly knocks over an older woman pushing a cart full of boxes. It’s Eleanor. Rachel apologizes. They move on.
TRUCK
Rachel loads her goodies. SOUND of a train riding the tracks.
103. (E-10) EXT. L STOP – DAY 1977
SOUND of train riding the tracks continues. Rachel, 13, emerges from the turnstile. Buys a pack of smokes at the corner news stand. Crosses the street.
Suddenly two undercover police OFFICERS approach her. One at a time. They abduct Rachel.
104. (E-7) INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
OFFICE
Rachel defiantly waits at the police station to be picked up by her Mother, while Officer #1 uses amusing scared strait tactics to try and rattle her.
BACK TO:
105. (E-1) INT. CRAPPY MOTEL – CONTINUOUS
**** WORK ON THIS SCENE AND PURPOSE. Rachel dozes. Phone rings. It’s Paul. Calls to check in. Worried. She apologizes… Connect this scene to previous police station scene for deeper meaning. transition. crappy… alone… on her own…Does Rachel call him? Why this scene now? what do we need? next thing is that Rachel finds her mom got the call from home eleanor passed along her information but did not make the personal call. conflict of interest. need more on this relationship but when? They are both coming to an end of sorts…? explore
________________________________Act 4___________________________________
106. (E-5) EXT. CONVALESCENT HOME – EVENING
TRUCK
Rachel parked, takes out the pint. Grunts. Puts it back.
107. (E-2) INT. CONVALESCENT HOME, RECEPTION – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel looks around. Assesses the facility. Waits. Paces. Checks her phone. Finally, RECEPTIONIST, 40’s, tired, returns. Hands Rachel some some papers. Visiting hours are over. Rachel leaves.
108. (E-8) RECEPTION – MOMENTS LATER
Nobody at reception. Rachel, nonchalant, glides down the hallway, guitar in tow. Ducks into the ladies room to avoid being seen.
HALLWAY
Rachel peeks out the door. Looks both ways and continues on tip toes. Looks into rooms with open doors. Finds her Mom’s room number. Deep breath. Disappears into the room.
109. (E-10) INT. BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Rachel lets her breath out. Sees her mom. BETH, 70’s, petite blonde, slightly propped up in her bed, connected to various machines. SOUND of breath, suction, beeps in rhythm with one another. Paralyzed. Rachel gasps for breath. Hot tears spring from her bloodshot eyes. Finally, Rachel, sits in the chair furthest away from Beth.
110. (E-9) INT. OFFICE, POLICE STATION – DAY 1977
A large sparse office. Dingy tiles. Fluorescent lights. A big worn wooden desk.Rachel fidgets in a chair across from the desk. Her leg shakes impatiently. Officer #1 paces with authority. Drags on a cigarette. Exhales in Rachel’s direction. A couple cocky smoke rings. Other officer enters with Beth who has come to pick up Rachel.
111. (E-6) INT. HARDWARE STORE – LATER
Beth shops for paint. keeps a close eye on Rachel who stakes out an escape.
112. (E=10) EXT. SHERIDAN RD. – CONTINUOUS
An old US MAIL JEEP in a long single lane of traffic waits for the green light. Suddenly, Rachel springs out of the jeep and runs back through traffic in the opposite direction.
Beth whips her head around. Tracks Rachel. The light turns green.
STREET
Rachel looks back. disappears around the corner.
ALLEY
Rachel runs down an alley. Slows her pace. looks for a place to hide. Checks behind some trash cans. A cat screeches. Rachel screeches.
GARAGE
Finally, an open garage door. Rachel ducks in. Slithers between the cars. Squats in the corner. Catches her breath.
BACK TO:
117. (E-8) BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Rachel, eyes squeezed shut. Finally, she forcibly shakes it off. Sighs. Steps in to her Mom to get a good look at her. Delivers the news of her brother’s suicide. Then plays guitar tentatively. Quietly. Sings softly. Until ELEANOR comes in and tells Rachel to leave.
118. (E-5) INT. CONVALESCENT HOME – MORNING
Rachel enters the lobby with her guitar, computer bag and two cups of coffee. Sees Eleanor, smiles and takes her a cup of coffee. Apologizes.
118 a. (E-8) INT. BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Beth in her bed. Hair brushed. New gown. Rachel carries on with Mom. It’s one-sided Takes guitar out of its case. Plays softly. Improvises stories from the past into songs..
Then hears voices outside the door. Swings the door open to several older woman all giggles, and smiles ear to ear.
119. (E-6) INT. CRAPPY MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Rachel writes with fervor at the desk, this time by hand in a brand new journal. Stops. Gets a water from the fridge. Takes her weed out rolls a joint. Doesn’t light it. Back to writing.
120. (E-10) INT. CONVALESCENT HOME – MORNING
BETH’S ROOM
Eleanor changes Beth’s gown. They talk quietly.
HALLWAY
Rachel with her gear about to enter Beth’s room, overhears Eleanor talking. Stops. Listens. Can’t make out what she’s saying. Then hears Beth speak.
121. (E-10) INT. RESTROOM – CONTINUOUS
Rachel shoves herself into a stall with all her stuff. Crouches on the toilet. Sobs. Unable to catch her breath.
122. (E-2) INT. BAR – LATER
Rachel sits at the bar waiting. From the end of the bar.
BARTENDER
The usual hon?
Rachel leaves.
BARTENDER
Okay.
123.(E-2) EXT. BAR – CONTINUOUS
Rachel wanders away from the bar.
124. (E-2) EXT. PARK – CONTINUOUS
A beautiful park with a lake in the middle. Parents and kids play by the swings and slides. Swans drift on the lake. Rachel, tosses her jacket onto the grass. Rolls up her pants and wades into the water. She takes in the sun. It’s a beautiful Spring day.
********Insert: LAKE Scene???
Rachel calls Paul and vents to him about having heard her Mom speak. And hearing that she doesn’t want Rachel there.
CUT #125 MOTEL SCENE *******DON’T THINK I NEED THIS.
126. INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL, RECEPTION — MORNING MAYBE MOVE THIS LATER. NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THIS GOES, IF AT ALL. THE THERAPY PORTION OF THIS SCENE HAS A PURPOSE – CREATE RUMOR ABOUT BETH ???? Show what Rachel’s up against.
Rachel stands at the desk waiting in line amongst a group of teenagers in line to get their allotted cigarettes. Once each teen receives a cigarette, he or she lights it from a gas lit device mounted on the wall.
Rachel next in line steps up. Gets her smoke and lights it from the wall.
127. (E-4) INT. BETH’S ROOM – MORNING
Rachel, 50’s, sits quiet on the chair next to her Beth. Picks up guitar. Plays softly, hums. Beth, eyes closed, fidgets. Writhes in her bed as if in a nightmare. Rachel wipes them away with her fingers and then brushes her fingers through her mom’s hair.
Beth winces.
128. (E-10) INT. SAN JUAN AIRPORT – NIGHT 1972
Beth, 26, lands in Puerto Rico. Get’s her bags from the overhead. Stands and waits in line to exit plane.
129. (E-10) EXT. CIALES, PR – DAY 1972
Beth pulls up in rental car. Parks in front of an extremely modest house surrounded by plantain trees.
Beth shows up to take Willy, 6, “shopping” and promises ABUELA they will return in time for dinner.
130. (E-10) INT. PR HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Abuela introduces Willy to his Mom.
BACK TO:
131. (E-10) INT. CONVALESCENT HOME, BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Beth jerks in her bed. More tears. Rachel soothes her.
132. (E-10) INT. FRANK AND ELEANOR’S LR – NIGHT 1972
Dark lit by candlelight. Beth, hides Willy at Frank and Eleanor’s. Holds Willy in her arms, rocking him. He has pneumonia and coughs excessively. Beth puts Willy over a steaming pot. Places a towel over his head.
133. (E-10) INT. HIGH RISE APT – NIGHT 1973
The apartment is lit by moonlight through a wall of windows. The SOUND of walkies static in and out. Three officers stand in a circle in the middle of the room talking intermittently to each other and then into their walkie talkies. Rachel, curled up in a ball in the corner of the couch, chanting between sobs. Rocking back and forth. “I’m sorry mom. I’m so sorry mom.” Beth in the corner on the phone. Gasps. Hangs up. Blood curdling screams. Violently goes after Rachel yelling and blaming her. Rachel whales, runs into her room, slams the door.
BACK TO:
134. (E-10) INT. BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Beth in her bed, writhes and twitches. Murmurs. The machines beep out of time. What’s happening? Eleanor and a DOCTOR, 40’s, rush into the room. Followed by staff with medical equipment. Eleanor makes Rachel leave and tells her to come back tomorrow. Rachel calls Eleanor out.
135. (E-10) INT. MOM’S ROOM – MORNING
Rachel hovers over Beth who appears to be sleeping. This is Rachel’s last day to visit.
RACHEL
Okay mom… You don’t have to worry. I’m leaving today. I’ll call Eleanor for reports to see how you’re doing. I’m glad you have her. I knew. who she was. I remember you telling me when I was little that “Frank and Eleanor” hid you and Willie. And they took care of you when he was sick… I’m sorry we didn’t get to have him. I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. I really just thought… my Dad came to see… me.
Beth’s eyes swell with tears.
RACHEL
Remember when you and Masa made me go to Japanese school? Every Saturday. you put me in the class with the 1st graders and I was like 11 or 12… With all the little tiny Japanese American kids. They like came up to my hip. I was giant next to them and at the end of the year we had to stand in a semi circle on the stage and sing that that mom song. Okaasan. I felt so stupid. A big ugly oaf drowning at sea amongst these perfect little porcelain cherubs bobbing up and down, with delight permanently stamped on their little faces. A bowl of shiny candy. With sweet sugary voices… and me.
Beth is still. She’s calm. Her face relaxed. Tears roll tenderly from her closed eyes. The machines sound steady.
Rachel lovingly wipes the tears from her mom’s face. Then softly.
RACHEL
Okaasan, okaasan / watashi no okaasan / yasashi ude de /
Rachel carefully lies next to Beth. Takes her hand and wraps her arm around her waist. Strokes her Mom’s hair.
dakishimete / hitori botchi de / nemureru yoru mo / kokoro wa furusato / watashi no okaasan / furusato / watashi no okaasan
Beth takes Rachels hand in hers. Squeezes it with acknowledgement. Silence.
136. ( E-) INT. BETH’S ROOM – LATER
Eleanor enters with an envelope. Sees Beth and Rachel. She quietly slips the envelope into Rachel’s bag. Then leaves.
137. (E7) EXT. FESTIVAL, PARKING LOT – DUSK
TRUCK
Rachel swoops into a parking spot. Paul waves and heads over.
Rachel closes her eyes, takes a deep breath. Sees the already opened envelope nestled in her bag. She takes it and opens it. Unfolds the letter. “Dear Rachel, I am so very proud of the person you’ve become. Love, Mom”. Refolds the note and puts it back as it was in the envelope.
PAUL
There she is.
Paul opens her door for her. Rachel steps out. She is all “I am woman hear me roar” and more”!
Paul
You look fucking hot.
Rachel throws her arms around Paul.
RACHEL
Hi.
PAUL
Hi.
Warm embrace. A moment.
ROLL CREDITS:
Paul takes her bag and guitar. Head toward the stage. Rachel takes Pauls hand.
138. (E-7) EXT. FESTIVAL STAGE – EVENING
HOST/MC, center stage at the mic. Gets the crowd going. The band is ready offstage left. A huge crowd awaits. Cheers from out front.
HOST/MC
And now what we’ve all been waiting for. Let’s hear it for Band Name.
BAND NAME?
Crowd cheers swell.
Band members enter. Wave to their audience. Hit their marks. Rachel joins them center stage.
RACHEL
Hello everyone!
More cheers!
RACHEL
Sure is a beautiful day! Check out that sunset. Thank you everyone for joining us tonight. We are so happy to be here!
More excitement from the crowd.
Rachel big smile. Looks over to her band mates.
RACHEL
Ya’ll ready to rock? 1, 2, 3, 4!
LIVE MUSIC. (Rebels, Tom Petty).
FADE OUT:
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