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Day 7 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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14 Replies
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Judith’s Rewritten Scene
INT. BEAT UP BUILDING – NIGHT
A boxing ring surrounded by a crowd of PEOPLE. The room is noisy, full of hisses and boos when folks don’t like what is going on.
It’s the final round. The boxers punch and beat and whip at each other. One goes down, then the other.
ROBERT, 25, searches the people entering the building. He spots his friend, TRENT, 37, waves at him. Rushes from his seat.
ROBERT
Hey, man, glad you made it? Where you been?
TRENT
Some jerk spilled beer on me. Had to change my clothes.
Taken aback, Robert indicates to Trent to follow him.
ROBERT
Bummer.
TRENT
Ruined my best jacket. If I get a hold of him…
ROBERT
Fights up there, man.
TRENT
Yah, you’re right.
They proceed down the aisle toward the ring seats. The crowd frantic now rooting for their favorite boxer.
Following Robert, Trent peeks behind and sees the SPILLER BEER GUY following them. Trent gets more and more irritated thinking this guy is after him. He stops. Glares.
TRENT
Get the fuck out of here.
The Spiller Beer Guy throws up his hands in surrender. Trent moves toward him, but Robert gently pulls him back.
ROBERT
It ain’t worth it.
Trent nods and continues to follow Robert, but the Spiller Guy continues.
Trent steams. Stops.
TRENT
What you want?
SPILLER GUY
Just going to my seat. Sorry about the spill.
Trent stands there staring at spiller guy. They are blocking the view of some of the audience. Shouts of sit down you jerks are heard repeatedly.
ROBERT
Come on, Trent, the fights up there.
Robert moves toward their seats and Trent backs off and follows him.
They get to their row and Trent proceeds forward. Sits. Robert follows and the beer guy follows him.
Plops down right next to Trent.
Tensing his jaw, Trent, groans. Robert decides to take control of the situation.
ROBERT
Let’s change seats.
Trent gets up, but before he moves, he pretends to accidently nudge the beer guy. His beer spills onto his clothes. He doesn’t respond. Keeps his cool.
Robert sits down.
ROBERT
My friend, a temper. I’m Robert.
Beer guy thinks better than to introduce himself when he sees a glare from Trent.
Just then a roar from the crowd. Trent sees his favorite winning the match.
The crowd scrambles to their feet. Some tear up betting papers. Others leave.
TRENT
Got money on Big Barber Brute. Maybe my day after all.
He pulls out his winning ticket.
ROBERT
Whens you get that?
TRENT
That’s where I got spilled on.
Robert shakes Trent’s hand as the beer guy moves past them.
Everything is claustrophobic. The exit crowd, noisey.
When the men get to the top of the stairs, Trent pulls Robert aside.
TRENT
Surprise. You get to meet the winner of the match, Big Barber Brute.
ROBERT
Are you kidding?
TRENT
We were college room mates.
ROBERT
Wow, do I look okay?
TRENT
Perfect, perfect…
INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT
Trent enters a dark room. Robert follows after him, but before he’s ten feet in, a hand reaches out and smacks him squarely in the jaw.
Trent stands there watching his friend get beaten up.
Robert tries to punch back, but Trent takes his arms and holds them. The AGGRESSOR beats on Robert till his face is bloody. He’s loosing consciousness.
Trent lets go of his arms and Robert collapses onto the floor.
Robert looks at him with a why expression on his face.
Trent ignores him and flips on the lights. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a wad of bills. The Beer Guy steps into the light. He puts out his hand and Trent pays him off.
Beer Guy leaves.
Saying nothing to Robert, Trent pulls out a photo from his wallet. He tears it up and throws it on top of Robert. The pieces flutter down onto his chest revealing the picture of a pretty brunette.
Trent leaves.
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Hi Judith,
Love your scene!
Would you be up for exchanging feedback?
Let me know.
Thanks,
Maureen
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Hi Maureen, Yes, let’s exchange feedback. How about doing it email and then we don’t have to worry about finding here on the website. I’m having trouble getting use to all the places things are found. My email address is cinemaself1@aol.com. Please feel free to send me your scene. best, Judith
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Ed’s Cycle # 1 – After Feedback Pass -Draft 2.
EXT. MARINA – NIGHT
Dense fog envelopes the criss-cross of gang planks and docks. Various size and types of boats held fast by the CREAKING spring lines. Somewhere beyond, the rhythmic DING of marker buoy.
At the end of the pier, the marina office cast off an eerie glow from the lights within. Neon, “LIVE BAIT”, and “BOAT RENTAL” signs on the roof add color to the gray night.
INT. MARINA OFFICE – NIGHT
The walls and shelves are lines with every item a mariner could use. ROBERT, 20’s cuts bait using an incredibly sharp knife. His slices the fish with an unenthusiastic motions while casting a sideways glance at iPad playing an amateur porn video.
The quality of the video and the angle of the camera screams this video was captured by a HIDDEN camera.
PING, goes the front door bell. A WOMEN enters. Her pampered looks hide her true age. Her couture says money. She covers her nose and mouth with a laced handkerchief. Their eyes meet.
Robert nods his head at the door leading to the back room. A sign reads, “NO ADMITTANCE.”
She passes Robert, only to freeze at the sight of the video playing on the iPad. Close in on the iPad scene, we see the this same women, nude, in flagrante delicto, romping around on the bed with a much younger, naked, man. One modest raised eyebrow is all she can produce before she continues into the back room, CLICK, CLACK, goes her stilettos.
She closes the door behind her. Robert chucks a severed fish head into a bucket.
EXT. – MARINA – NIGHT
A sleek cigarette boat chugs up to the dock. A man throws overboard the fenders. He hops out of the boat in a single athlete move. He waste no time securing the bow and stern lines with perfect nots. This is TRENT, 40’s.
INT. MARINA OFFICE – NIGHT
Trent’s boat running lights draws Robert’s attention outside.
ROBERT
Will you walk into my parlor, said the stupid spider to the asshole.
A Beat.
The front door PINGS again. Trent enters dressed head to toe in Henri-Lloyd. His tanned face glows under the dime office lights. Robert’s face lights up in wide smile. He wipes his fish gut soaked hands over his soiled coveralls.
ROBERT
Trent! Mi Amigo! Let the party begin!
TRENT
Don’t you dare touch me, Robert.
Robert averts Trent’s piercing glare. He smiles again.
ROBERT
When I think of success I only need to look at you, my friend. I’ll gas the boat up before I leave. The owner will never know it was gone. Did you have good luck tonight with finding our next mark?
Trent looks around the dreary space. He rearranges some merchandise on the shelf.
TRENT
I pay you for your skills, not your questions, but yes, a very lucrative mark. We’re alone, right?
ROBERT
Just you, me, the fishes, and the naughty.
Robert proudly flips the iPad around so Trent can see it. We hear a women’s MOAN from the video.
TRENT
You should have seen her face when I played it for her. It felt so good to be the one in control.
ROBERT
But she did pay up? I mean in end you got want you wanted?
TRENT
It wasn’t easy. You dumb shit. You said the lighting would be better. The angle sucks. I could barely see her face, and the stupid kid never said her name ! Extortion takes attention to details, Robert.
Robert deflates.
ROBERT
Sorry. I’m not Tarantino. Um…You are being discrete about how you handle these transactions, right?
TRENT
Fuck, yah. Why?
Robert face goes from serious to down right jovial
ROBERT
Hah! Psyche! You so gullible, Trent.
TRENT
(menacing)
Your discretion keeps you employed. Remember that.
Trent eases his hand inside his jacket pocket. Robert maintains a wide smile but his eyes convey alarm. Trent withdraws two expensive cigars. Robert exhales.
Trent reaches over the counter, careful not to touch anything, laying a cigar down.
TRENT
God of Fire Serie Aniversario
Robert smells his, inhaling deeply the aroma.
ROBERT
You dirty dog. You stole these from a client’s house.
TRENT
How about you just appreciate what I do for you? You think you could make it on your own, cutting bait and filleting fish? How about you show a little gratitude to your old pal, Trent? No one else would have paid your bail. No one else would have taken you in. We’re suppose to be friends. Now smoke up, suck up, and shut up.
Robert glances at the NO SMOKING sign above the propane tank storage rack. Trent stares him down.
ROBERT
What harm can it do? This place stinks anyway.
Robert slices off of the tip of the cigar with the fillet knife. It’s sharpness not lost on Trent. Robert slowly reaches into his pocket removing a flint lighter. He holds it up. Trent nods. With a flick of the wrist it flames. He lights his cigar, then offers same to Trent.
Trent leans over, eyes locked on Robert, as he puffs away like a steam locomotive. Robert’s eyes tear from the smoke. He suppresses a cough. Trent withdraws into a cloud of smoke.
TRENT
No. Seriously, you’ve done good, Robert.
ROBERT
I am here to please.
TRENT
The stakes have gone up. (on video MOANS and GIGGLES) Shut that shit off.
Robert flips the iPad over on the counter. It goes quiet.
ROBERT
Who is she?
TRENT
Amoreena Delgado.
ROBERT
Oh, shit.
TRENT
What?
ROBERT
Oh nothing. (Puffs away) Good cigar.
TRENT
You know something, now spill it.
ROBERT
Amoreena Delgado is the wife of Antonio Delgado…the gangster.
A beat.
TRENT
You are such a bullshitter. You think after hobnobbing with these rich stiffs I wouldn’t have figured that out? These people love money and hanging out with other people who love money. They love me because they think, I have money. In a sense I do, because they… donate it to me… for keeping their dirty secrets out of the public domain. Antonio Delgado is not a gangster. I know him, personally, and his wife, thanks in part to you,…even more personally. She’s a big tipper.
Trent takes out from his belt line a stuffed envelope and tosses it onto the counter. It lands among the fish pieces, parts. Robert laughs deeply but doesn’t dare – take the bait.
ROBERT
You’re the handsome brains, I’m merely the set up guy. You want to get catch the big fish, you use the right bait. Am I right?
TRENT
I’m glad you understand. I could partner with anyone. I simply choose you for you…naivety.
ROBERT
In other words you think I’m stupid.
Trent slaps the counter hard. Fish parts bounce. The knife falls to the floor impaled upright in the floor board next to his shoe. He speaks in a controlled staccato. His nose flaring with every word.
TRENT
Enough! I do not think you’re stupid, Robert. I choose you because I trust you. We have a history. I choose you because above all else you understand the bonds of loyalty.
(retrieves the knife from the floor)
I reward my associates, so as long as we continue to understand one another.
Trent stabs the knife back into the counter close to the envelope. Robert flinches.
TRENT
Aren’t you going to open it?
ROBERT
I didn’t mean to upset you. I just worry about you, Trent. People say you’re a, shoot, fire, aim, kinda of guy, that’s all.
TRENT
Who said that? Tell me! Tell me right now or I’ll gut you like mackerel, so help me god!
ROBERT
Easy, easy. It’s just drunken sailor talk. You know, same rich losers that caught a fish
(spreading hands) this big.
There’s a THUD heard from behind the back room door. Robert freezes, Trent advances.
TRENT
Who the fuck is that? You said we’re alone.
ROBERT
Probably just a marina cat. Just chill-out. Okay?
Robert tosses his cigar into the bucket of fish parts. It sizzles then extinguishes.
TRENT
Bullshit I will.
Trent blows past Robert leaving a trail of his cigar smoke. Trent jimmies the backroom door knob. It won’t open.
TRENT
Why is this door locked?
ROBERT
It’s not locked. I swear, just sticks a little.
Robert rams his shoulder into the door. The, “No Admittance,” sign falls off.
INT. MARINA OFFICE – BACK ROOM – NIGHT
The door burst open, revealing darkness broken by the glow of video editing equipment. The overhead light flicks on. In the shadows stands, AMOREENA – our well dressed femme fatale. She has a gun trained on Trent. The sight of her turns Trent’s tan face white.
TRENT
Amoreena, but how? (answer) Fuck me, Robert…!
Trent turns into Robert’s fist connecting squarely to his jaw. The expensive cigar goes flying out of his foul mouth.
Trent staggers back against one of the refrigerators. He shakes it off only to catch an uppercut snapping his head back. He sinks against the wall. His last rally defeated by Robert’s boot smashing into his chest sending him flying out the window.
Trent crashes into the inky drink below. His splash high reaches the broken window where Amoreena and Robert peer down at him as he flails about.
INT. MARINA – OFFICE – NIGHT
Robert and Amoreena square off in front of the counter. Her bejeweled fingers plucks the knife out of the counter. Robert swallow hard. With a graceful flick of her delicate wrist, she slices open the envelope Trent left behind.
Out falls cut up magazine pages and newspapers. Worthless currency, if they ever was.
She hands Robert another envelope. A thick wad of cash pierces the fold. Amoreena pats Robert on the cheek.
AMOREENA
I pay you for your discretion.
She strides out the front door picking up the iPad on the way out. Robert collapse over the counter as a small fire erupts behind him.
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Hi Edward,
I love your style. You definitely got the noir thing from the first lines.
I know I’m behind, but would you be interested in exchanging feedback? I’m right behind you in this thread.
Thanks,
Maureen
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Thanks, Sure, I have one feedback to write this AM, then I’ll look at yours next.
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Hi Edward,
Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.
Here are my notes.
First, my overall thoughts and impressions of your piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your take on the Noir genre. It was true to the feel of the genre, while at the same time being somewhat irreverent and fun. Your use of language to evoke the setting and mood is excellent. You also made a present day timeframe work with the genre, which is not always so easy. The intros of the characters are great. I love Robert cutting up fish and watching porn- which delightfully turns out to be not just a fun character prop, but germaine to the story. The intro of the femme fatale is wonderful. With just seconds of screen time before she disappears into the back room, you have her make an indelible impression. Trent’s ‘meticulous’ exit from the cigarette boat used his trait to great effect.
You build both Suspense and Intrigue from the opening description and the setting, and raise it along the way- the sharp knife cutting fish, the porn film which turns out to be of a woman who hides in the back room, Robert lying to Trent about her presence, etc.
Major Twist / Surprise: You’ve obviously built anticipation for a showdown with Robert, Trent and Amoreena which the audience/reader expects. I’m not sure, but I think you intend a Surprise/ Twist at the very end with Amoreena and Robert after Trent goes in the drink. I may just have a blind spot, but I’m just not exactly sure what happens there. Does Amoreena poison Robert, or stab him? Why does he collapse? The fire is obviously a play off the cigars flying out of Trent’s mouth, and the propane, but is it just an accident that it starts a blaze? Is Robert collapsing in relief as a blaze starts behind him? I’m not sure what you want here, but if you are looking for a surprise/twist, I think you may need to clarify the mechanics of what happens a bit. Maybe give Amoreena more intentionality and menace in the end- if she indeed kills Robert. Maybe that’s not what you intend, but either way, I think you need clarification of what happens here.
Just a thought- You may want to consider creating a big drama, noirish surprise by having Amoreena shoot Trent and that’s what sends him through the window into the water. Maybe first Robert punches him a few times, then, as he staggers in front of the window, she shoots him, and they watch him struggle in the water and go under. It would be a Surprise/Twist, and it would be in keeping with the genre. It would up the stakes for Robert- who really doesn’t know at that point if he is getting out of this alive. There would also be more intense Uncertain Hope/Fear for the audience at that point as well. As I said, just a thought.
Interesting Setting– Yes, and you use it to super effect.
Mislead/Reveal: I see here the revelation that Amoreena is a gangster’s wife. Robert and the audience already know that she is in the back room, which heightens the Uncertainty/Hope/ Superior Position Irony elements. I’m not sure I see a Mislead/Reveal beyond that . I think the audience is in on Robert’s scheme on Trent, and enjoys the cat and mouse, especially as Trent grows more obnoxious by the minute. The reveal may be at the end with a twist/ surprise, but as I said, I am a bit unclear about the ending, so I’m not sure. Apologies if I’m missing something obvious.
Betrayal. Totally there. Robert is betraying Trent, but as we glimpse their relationship, we realize that Trent has been betraying Robert all the time. Nice.
Superior Position Irony: Yes. Great. The audience knows about Amoreena in the back room, and is anticipating and wondering what is going to happen.
Uncertain Hope/Fear – I see this as the audience wondering what’s going to happen if and when Trent discovers the woman in the back room. I suppose we (the audience) ‘worries’ about the outcome, but I think it is less for Trent’s safety, than Robert’s, and possibly Amoreena’s – just because Trent seems such a jerk. As I mentioned, much stronger Hope/Fear for Robert is possible if you have Amoreena shoot Trent.
You did a very good job using the character traits throughout.. Robert is Secretive, Gregarious and somehow remarkably Smooth even as he flings fish heads. There is a lot of evidence of his low self esteem as well, but because the audience knows about the double cross, I sometimes saw it as a guise to play Trent, and not actual low self esteem. Not sure if that’s important. If you had a full length script, it might be clear here that he’s using his own past evidence of low self esteem in order to play Trent convincingly.
Trent is ‘Trent. I get a strong sense of a character, and see his traits of ‘Conspiring, Aggressive, Meticulous and Needy pretty much throughout.
Thanks for letting me give you feedback! I hope some of it helps.
Maureen
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Thanks Maureen for the excellent and detailed feedback. I appreciate the time and level of analysis. I’ve now gained several learnings to take forward in the QE cycle. I see “collapse” is not the right verb for Robert in the end. His intended reaction to the events was an emotional release, more of a great exhale, not a physical collapse. Good luck in future writings and I look forward to reading more of your scenes and feedback.
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No problem. I learned a lot from doing the critique as well. Looking forward to reading more of your work as well.
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EXT. A PEACEFUL MOUNTAIN LAKE – SUNSET
– A rowboat rocks gently at a dock. Nocturnal Flowers open their petals for the night.
– A stealthy cat stalks a chipmunk nibbling forgotten crumbs at the edge of the dock. The chipmunk looks up curiously as the SOUND OF LIVE MUSIC floats over from across the lake.
– The cat, focused and now very close, readies to pounce. WHAP! SCREECH! The talons of a HAWK close around the cat and lift. The chipmunk scurries away as the cat is carried up into the darkening sky.
The dock is silent except for the STRAINS OF MUSIC from across the way.
EXT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS
MUSIC filters out the gracious double front door. Excited greetings float to and fro as late guests park their cars and drift in under a large banner: CONGRATULATIONS ROB!
INT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS
The well-dressed crowd throngs and mingles. A high end wedding band plays a dated Pop song.
ROB, tall, handsome, a charmer, works the crowd, shaking hands, kissing cheeks and fielding complements as he goes.
ROB
Thanks so much… Good to see you, Man!… Ya, such a surprise. I’m so honored… Love that dress!
PASSING SHORT GUY
Congrats, Rob. Hear about Betty?
ROB
I heard the rumor. Hard to believe, but who knows.. If it’s true..
SHORT GUY
(moving on)
There will be consequences.
Rob seems to gloat as he takes a step back to bask in it all- and bumps into someone. He turns-
ROB
So sorry– Wow! You’re here! I never expected-
JULIA
Yet here I am!
They exchange cheek kisses.
ROBERT
Really nice of you to come!
(awkward beat)
I guess I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me.
JULIA
Can’t hold a grudge forever!
She smiles at him, sipping the last of her cocktail.
ROBERT
Let me freshen that up for you.
With an easy finesse, he takes her empty glass, sets it down on the tray of a passing waiter, picks up a new drink and hands it to her with a cocked head.
JULIA
Why thank you!
(sips)
To be completely honest, it took awhile. Forgiving you. You know I had a crush on you. More than a crush, I really had a thing for you. That made it hard.
ROBERT
(genuinely surprised)
Wow! I wished I’d known that. If we’re being honest..
(laughs, embarrassed)
This is tough…I always thought you were out of my league.
JULIA
Talk about cross purposes! Too bad.
ROB
Maybe we can change that.
ACROSS THE ROOM-
TRENT, well built and impeccably dressed, converses with a huddle of people. He sneaks a check in a nearby mirror and straightens his tie.
TRENT
It should go like clockwork. Planned it to the letter. In fact, I need a last minute check with the manager..
He starts across the room and stops, seeing a stunning Woman in red smile at him from near the buffet. He walks over.
TRENT
Evelyn! I didn’t know you were going to be here. I’m chuffed.
EVELYN
Amanda called. Thought I’d want to know. She was right. I wouldn’t miss it for the world!
TRENT
Well, thank you, Amanda.
A couple pass by. The GUY puts a hand on Trent’s shoulder.
GUY
Thanks for footing the bill on this, Man. What a night!
TRENT
No biggy. What’s money for?
GUY
So when’s the real party starting?
TRENT
(flashing his expensive watch)
Another hour to go.
WOMAN
(as they move away)
I’m on pins and needles.
TRENT
Me too.
(stares across at Rob)
Till then, we’ll just have to settle for the pleasure of watching the lamb fatten up for his slaughter.
EVELYN
You’re so naughty!
TRENT
Are you kidding? This guy is such a creep. I’ve wanted his ass forever!
EVELYN
Think he suspects?
TRENT
Not a clue!
EVELYN
Revenge is so sexy, isn’t it?
TRENT
Indeed it is.
Someone bumps them and Trent’s spinach hors d’oeuvre drops on his shirt front.
TRENT
Ugh! Damn! Idiot! I just had this shirt dry cleaned!
EVELYN
Here, let me take care of that.
She picks up a napkin and a bottle of club soda from the buffet bar and, moving in close, goes to work on his shirt.
EVELYN
This feels like old times.
TRENT
So how do I look? Still sexy?
EVELYN
You look succulent enough to just sink my teeth into…
TRENT
Why did we break up?
EVELYN
Should we go someplace where you can take this off, and I can work on it. We have time, don’t we?
TRENT
Sure. Wouldn’t want to show for the big moment with spinach on my shirt.
EVELYN
As opposed to egg on your face?
She smiles, takes his hand and leads him across the room.
INT. PRIVATE STUDY – MOMENTS LATER
The study door opens and Trent and Evelyn enter. Evelyn takes off Trent’s jacket and shirt and discards them pointedly on a table. Trent takes a moment to fix how she draped them, before turning back to Evelyn. Glancing down briefly to admire his bare chest, he spots a drop of spinach on his nipple.
TRENT
Damn! It went right through!
He loos for something to wipe it off. Evelyn stops him.
EVELYN
Please. Allow me.
She licks the spinach off his nipple, giving it a little bite with her teeth.
EVELYN
Mmmmmm. You always did know how to choose a delectable Hors d’oeuvre.
They giggle. She strokes his chest. Her hands travel downward, undoing his belt. Continuing downward…
As Trent closes his eyes and groans, she steals a quick glance at his watch…
EVELYN
(purring)
Oooouuu, it’s time. Come to Mama.
They kiss hungrily, going at each other, clothes flying.
Evelyn pushes Trent up against the wall-
A false panel turns, spinning them into-
INT. A MINI STADIUM ROOM WITH A FIGHT RING – CONTINUOUS
A huge room with a ring in the middle and entrances on three sides. A crowd cheers as Evelyn and a stupefied Trent, now in his tightie whities, appear through the false door. Evelyn deftly sidesteps through a gate in the fence and joins the crowd, who all hold cattle prods. Someone gives her one.
TRENT
What the f- But it’s not time yet!
EVELYN
We pushed the schedule up a bit.
TRENT
But Rob- he’s not even here!
Rob springs through a similar door across the room making out with Julie, who follows Evelyn’s lead and joins the crowd retrieving her cattle-prod.
Rob looks around at all the guests at the party, hooting and catcalling. He tries to get back into the room but the door has closed. He tries to follow Julie, but several cattle prods push him toward the middle of the rink.
Trent paces around the circle- a caged animal, wild angry eyes make contact with all the faces who were playing him up earlier, anger building with every set of eyeballs he meets.
Rob sees Trent’s rage and backs up into a cattle prod.
ROB
Aghhhh!
A primal scream wells up inside Trent and releases itself. His movement around the circle suddenly shifts toward-
POV ROB
As the raging red-faced hulk that is Trent races toward him and torpedos into his face with a WACK!
FADE TO BLACK as FIGHT AND CATCALLS SOUNDTRACK CONTINUES OVER END CREDITS
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Hi Maureen – thanks for sharing your work. I enjoyed the uniqueness, surprises, double entendres too! Here are my notes….
Scene Arc – Intent – From Celebration to Ass Kicking
The opening metaphor scene, although not a celebration is intriguing. I think the celebration is Rob’s wedding? It if it is, I’d intro Rob as the groom, so there’s no mistaking him. Interesting “ass kicking,” unexpected , good! I like that’s unconventional. Good twist.
Scene Situation – One character is lured into a back room where he is beat up.
Hidden room or backroom? If you were actually working with a producer, this interpretation is something to discuss. I like it for its imagination and twist technique. In a literal sense, not align with situation’s request.
Robert’s Subtext – loves creating gossip about other people and watch it take them down.
I like that the short guy intro’s the rumor and Rob pours gasoline on the fire. Still shows him to be a gossiper, but without him initiating it. You could extend his subtext as he flirts with Julia.
Trent’s Subtext – pretends he is wealthy to get people to do the things he wants —at their expense.
Not getting this subtext yet, He comes across as being wealthy but not that he’s pretending to be wealthy. That can be done , perhaps with a visit from the manager – there’s a problem with the bill. Or a guest speaking a Rob rumor that he’s not. Something that tips us off regarding his true lot in life.
TRAITS:
With both Robert and Trent, their relationships and dialogue with Julia and Evelyn are great opportunities to illustrate additional subtext and traits. Relationships, with history, are great for emotions to come to the surface. With this draft the dialogue more geared to illustrating plot. The next pass, layer in additional trait and subtext.
Roberts Traits:
Smooth – yes, good comes across as a player. Consider having an event occur at the beginning of the scene that illustrates his smooth personality, smooth over a disagreement or something.
Secretive – Didn’t pick up this trait.
Gregarious – didn’t pick up this trait
Low Self Esteem – didn’t pick up this trait.
Trent’s Traits:
Conspiring – He’s worked up some scheme with Evelyn until she double crosses him. With his time with Evelyn, you have opportunity to explore this trait and others.
Aggressive – I see this in being upset with the spinach spill and at the end, he attacks Robert.
Meticulous – Yes, good, regarding his appearance.
Needy- Didn’t pick up this trait.
Techniques:
The essence of the scene – my take – revenge is best served cold.
Suspense – Suspense can be increased if, Rob, Trent, Julia and Evelyn all crossed paths early on. Setting up the awkwardness mixed with the suppressed attractions , past bad blood, in subtext. We know something probably bad will happen later. What we don’t know, keeping your big surprises intact. Consider extending the anticipation of what going to happen in the hidden room.
Major Twist – Good – the change in setting to hidden room and the set up, Rob and Trent hook ups with the ladies.
Surprise – Yep, great, unique and surprising ending.
Interesting Setting – The lodge has some potential, we need to get a better feeling of how the isolation plays into the story.
Mislead/Reveal – Good, the relationships, have past issues and, motivates the revenge actions.
Character Changes –
Betrayal – Perhaps Make it clearer what the bad blood is between Robert and Trent and escalate it.
Superior Position Irony –
Uncertain Hope/Fear –
Intrigue – Good, setting, past histories of the guests, hidden rooms, cattle prods, forcing Rob and Trent to fight.
Over all very imaginative and unique plot and turn of events. With future passes continue to layer in the past bad blood and complexities of the relationships with Rob, Trent and Evelyn and Julia. This material is the heart of the action and subtext. The more we can understand what is motivating these characters the better the use of traits, and payoffs when they take action.
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Hi Edward,
Thanks so much for your excellent and very helpful feedback. It’s much appreciated. And I’m glad you liked a lot of the elements. Sorry for the delay getting back to you. I was deep into writing the Scene for Lesson 8, trying to stay current with the class. I’m pasting your comments below so I can address them. My responses are in parentheses….
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Hi Maureen – thanks for sharing your work. I enjoyed the uniqueness, surprises, double entendres too! Here are my notes….
Scene Arc – Intent – From Celebration to Ass Kicking
The opening metaphor scene, although not a celebration is intriguing. I think the celebration is Rob’s wedding? It if it is, I’d intro Rob as the groom, so there’s no mistaking him. Interesting “ass kicking,” unexpected , good! I like that’s unconventional. Good twist.
(The celebration is not Rob’s Wedding. It’s a huge Promotion that he nabbed by starting a serious rumor about his rival. Btw- this is also what he did to Julie in the past, and she confronted him, but left the company disgraced. This “Big Celebration” is a trap organized by Trent to give Rob an entirely different kind of ‘reward.” I obviously have to work on this to get these things into the scene/subtext. Thanks.)
Scene Situation – One character is lured into a back room where he is beat up.
Hidden room or backroom? If you were actually working with a producer, this interpretation is something to discuss. I like it for its imagination and twist technique. In a literal sense, not align with situation’s request.
(Yes I see how this could be a budget or other issue. )
Robert’s Subtext – loves creating gossip about other people and watch it take them down.
I like that the short guy intro’s the rumor and Rob pours gasoline on the fire. Still shows him to be a gossiper, but without him initiating it. You could extend his subtext as he flirts with Julia.
(Great idea!)
Trent’s Subtext – pretends he is wealthy to get people to do the things he wants —at their expense.
Not getting this subtext yet, He comes across as being wealthy but not that he’s pretending to be wealthy. That can be done , perhaps with a visit from the manager – there’s a problem with the bill. Or a guest speaking a Rob rumor that he’s not. Something that tips us off regarding his true lot in life.
(Yes, absolutely. I thought of doing something with the Manager and the Bill. I got concerned about the scene’s length, and didn’t follow through. I’ll revisit.)
TRAITS:
With both Robert and Trent, their relationships and dialogue with Julia and Evelyn are great opportunities to illustrate additional subtext and traits. Relationships, with history, are great for emotions to come to the surface. With this draft the dialogue more geared to illustrating plot. The next pass, layer in additional trait and subtext.
Roberts Traits:
Smooth – yes, good comes across as a player. Consider having an event occur at the beginning of the scene that illustrates his smooth personality, smooth over a disagreement or something.
Secretive – Didn’t pick up this trait. (Ok, thanks. I’ll layer it in)
Gregarious – didn’t pick up this trait (I’m a bit confused here, because I was trying to build his gregarious nature into it from his intro where he’s making his way through the crowd, enjoying the engagement with each person. Is that not coming through? )
Low Self Esteem – didn’t pick up this trait. (I was hoping his thinking Julia was ‘out of his league’ was a hint, but I guess that could come off as a ploy. I’ll work on it.
Trent’s Traits:
Conspiring – He’s worked up some scheme with Evelyn until she double crosses him. With his time with Evelyn, you have opportunity to explore this trait and others. (This is another place where I’m confused. I saw the fact that Trent set up this whole scam on Rob and involved eveyone else in it behind Rob’s back fulfilled the ‘conspiracy’ trait. Is that not coming across? )
Aggressive – I see this in being upset with the spinach spill and at the end, he attacks Robert. (Absolutely!)
Meticulous – Yes, good, regarding his appearance. (Thanks!)
Needy- Didn’t pick up this trait. (I’ll try to push this more. I was trying to have him ask Evelyn “How do I look’ type things, and looking for approval, etc. I’ll punch it up and see if it comes out. )
Techniques:
The essence of the scene – my take – revenge is best served cold. (Love it! And Yes!)
Suspense – Suspense can be increased if, Rob, Trent, Julia and Evelyn all crossed paths early on. Setting up the awkwardness mixed with the suppressed attractions , past bad blood, in subtext. We know something probably bad will happen later. What we don’t know, keeping your big surprises intact. Consider extending the anticipation of what going to happen in the hidden room. (Really interesting. I hadn’t considered suspense as fitting in here – even though it’s my favorite sensory movie experience. It could add another layer, and deepen the experience. Thanks!)
Major Twist – Good – the change in setting to hidden room and the set up, Rob and Trent hook ups with the ladies. (Thanks)
Surprise – Yep, great, unique and surprising ending. (Glad you liked it.)
Interesting Setting – The lodge has some potential, we need to get a better feeling of how the isolation plays into the story. (Again, interesting idea. This could add a new dimension to the story- or even better ground it somehow.)
Mislead/Reveal – Good, the relationships, have past issues and, motivates the revenge actions.
Character Changes –
Betrayal – Perhaps Make it clearer what the bad blood is between Robert and Trent and escalate it. (Great!)
Superior Position Irony –
Uncertain Hope/Fear –
Intrigue – Good, setting, past histories of the guests, hidden rooms, cattle prods, forcing Rob and Trent to fight.
Over all very imaginative and unique plot and turn of events. With future passes continue to layer in the past bad blood and complexities of the relationships with Rob, Trent and Evelyn and Julia. This material is the heart of the action and subtext. The more we can understand what is motivating these characters the better the use of traits, and payoffs when they take action.
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Thanks again, Edward. I’m glad you liked it, and you definitely got my wheels turning 🙂
I’ll work on notes on your Scene tomorrow. Would be happy to swap on QE Scene 2 as well, if you’d like to.
Maureen
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INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
Trent enters the dark house. He carefully places the door key in his blazer pocket and holds the door open. He looks back at Robert, a slob in a dirty sweater, on the doorstep, texting on his phone. Trent sighs loudly.
TRENT
Hey, can you pay attention for a sec?
ROBERT
Everyone’s being quiet in the group chat. I’ve got to shake things up. You never do.
TRENT
Come in the house.
ROBERT
It’s dark in here.
Robert notices some pink ‘PAST DUE’ letters on a table.
ROBERT
What’s the point of having a big house if you can’t afford to light it?
TRENT
Come. In.
Robert steps inside. Trent shuts the door behind him. Robert checks himself out in a hallway mirror.
ROBERT
Do I look okay?
TRENT
Yes. You don’t have to be as well dressed as me. It’s just dinner.
ROBERT
At a fancy restaurant. You gonna make me pay again?
TRENT
Is that a problem?
ROBERT
I can hold onto your wallet if you’re afraid of misplacing it.
TRENT
(Pats his jacket pocket)
It’s right here. Really, tonight is on me. You’re not paying for anything.
Trent moves for the dark living room and stands by the entrance.
ROBERT
As long as the other cheap bastards in our group chat don’t find out. You know I’m really starting to hate Paul.
TRENT
No, you love him.
ROBERT
He’s an insecure clown who can’t keep a girlfriend. He’s jealous of you, you know.
TRENT
Can you shut up and come into the living room?
ROBERT
Does someone need a nap? You’re almost as cranky as Philip.
TRENT
Bro, just stop—
ROBERT
You’re gonna defend him too now? What’s with you? Have you picked up a drug problem off of him as well? You didn’t hear that from me.
A SOB comes from the dark living room.
ROBERT
What?
Trent switches on the light.
‘Hiding’ in the room are a group of adults. Their friends, including PAUL, and a sobbing PHILIP.
PHILIP
You don’t have to be so mean, Robert.
ROBERT
I’m just kidding! Wow, a surprise party for me? Guys, I’m flattered.
Robert holds his arms out for a hug. No one moves to him. They’re all pissed off.
Trent sighs loudly.
TRENT
I went to great lengths to plan this. So we could show you that we loved you. I guess you don’t care.
ROBERT
I’m sorry. Trent was in on it with me. We were just kidding.
TRENT
I would never say such things about my friends.
Paul and Philip exchange a look. Paul winks at Trent, who flicks the light switch off.
Robert yells in pain as the sounds of a fight fill the darkness.
Trent steps back into the hallway.
TRENT
I guess you are paying for something, Robert.
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Hello Amechi,
Thank you for sharing your Scene with me.
Somehow, your email through wordpress ended up in my Promotions folder instead of my Inbox, and I didn’t see it until last night. I wrote back to you via email to wordpress, but I just saw that I got a message that my email to you was not deliverable. We seem to be having some problems connecting. I will also send this message to your message folder here in Screen U’s WordPress, to make sure it gets to you one way or the other.
Give me a chance to read your Scene for QE1 and give it some thought. I will try to get back to you with notes tomorrow.
All the best,
Maureen
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