Day 7 Assignment

[Sharon Scherle]

Jean’s Completed P/S Grid #2

This is the second time I’m loading this. I lost everything from the first time. So, here we go again…

What I learned doing this assignment is by using the problem/solution grid for the second part, I was able to correct areas that I had marked as needing work and others I discovered on this pass.

Here are some examples:

Character introductions: #3

Sharra: I knew from the beginning that Sharra’s description needed work.
She’s the main character and thus important to get right. It took one
line to make her character deeper: She carries herself like someone
who’s learned how to be alone.

Read: The first time through, I didn’t give Read any description. He ends up playing a larger role and so, this time through, I added a line about him: Read is all charm but there’s a ruthlessness behind his sharp eyes and commanding presence.

Jaden Delaney (J.D. Dash): Dash is the villain for season one. The problem is that I don’t want to reveal this in his description. His first scene is quick and doesn’t allow me to add details about him. I had to wait until the next scene. I added behavior that stands out as contrary considering he seems to like Sharra, and also some intrigue with the watch.

Problem areas:

The pocket watch scenes:

Sharra discovers the watch in her coat pocket. This scene was clunky. I changed a few action lines and it now reads better.

The scene where Jaden recognizes the watch. This too was clunky. I fixed Jaden’s action lines. It reads better and adds intrigue. How does he recognize the miniature painting inside the watch? It’s the first clue that there’s more to him than a colleague.

The watch shows up again when Sharra recognized Lazarus as the one who must have dropped it when they collided. Again, one line focusing on Lazarus’ reaction to having it back told a deeper story behind the watch. He lies about it. It’s his first lie to Sharra out of the many he will tell her.

The USP stick:

The scenes surrounding the USB stick were weak. I needed to heighten the suspense around it in each of the scenes it shows up.

Sharra’s cubicle – when she discovers Read is embezzling millions. The whole scene was clumsy but a good starting point. I tighten up the action lines to create more suspense. The spilling of her coffee in her hurry to grab a stick, I moved down to just before Read is there. It also helps set up a later scene when Sharra meets Jaden for coffee. This scene ends with her closing her fist around the stick and she’s scared.

Coffee Shop scene: Sharra meets Jaden, not for coffee, but for help. It’s a turning point for Sharra, pushing her in another direction. I knew I had to fix it especially because it felt clunky too. I had to tie in the coffee and the embezzling/USB stick as quickly as possible. The action lines are okay. It’s the dialogue that needed tightening. Once that was done, it all came together. I added two lines revealing a little more about Jaden, slowly showing that he has ulterior motives.

Warehouse scene: This is the last place the USB stick comes up. It’s in conversation when Read demands it from Sharra. This whole scene needed lots of work. There are confrontations, fight sequences, setups, and reveals. It is the climax of the episode. Everything comes together. Well, almost everything. I changed the action of Connor who is there to kidnap Sharra and her initial action when confronted by Connor. With that smoothed out, I moved on to Read’s appearance with his small army of gunmen. I tightened the dialogue between the three so that Sharra realizes without writing it point blank that Jaden is the one who hired Connor. I could now tie in the partial message Connor gave Sharra when he stabbed her earlier. There’s no time to go any further into that reveal because Tanner shows up and a gunfight ensues. Here is where I quickened the action to make it flow, create tension between Tanner and Sharra, show Tanner’s skill, show Sharra’s smarts. It is all about the timing. Though Sharra wins against Read, her choice to flee to Chicago via Jaden’s help is no longer an option. She needs to get away from Jaden and it drives her to the option she didn’t want to take – Vault Agency.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen Completed P/S Grid #2

What I learned doing this assignment is that it takes a lot longer than most lessons to look at all of the things in the Grid and make the required changes.

I had a lot of talking heads and didn’t convey emotions well in a number of places so they took a while.

I found a couple of continuity problems just in reading it through so many times.

I had some repetition that seemed amplified by the multiple readings so I took those out.

While I’d had a lot of the Grid 2 items listed for a scene, not all of them made it into the scene. I will need to read what I intended (my detailed outline for each scene) and what landed in each scene at some point to make sure the emotions, etc. all made it into the script.

[Tracy Cheney]

Tracy El Pueblo P/S Grid #2

What I learned is that I have a lot more work to do! There’s not an antagonist in the 5th character’s story. I was quite happy when the brother appeared, but he’s turned out to be a more lovable lug.

Character intros need to be stronger and more intriguing.

Every scene needs to challenge Joseph, the Yankee carpenter. What I’ve got is a necklace of scenes or adventures, but what are they leading to?

A lot of the dialogue is probably cliche — but I’m involved more with how much dialect to write into the dialogue.

[Rob Sutherland]

Rob’s Completed PS Grid 2

Added a sequence to Act 3 that has really lifted one of the major character conflicts and empathy using Undeserved Misfortune.