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Day 7 Assignments
Post Your Day 7 Assignments here
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I found this e-mail in my spam
I hope this is day 7, this is where I am:
Lesson 8 – QE Cycle 2 – Writ this Scene Nick and John
Log line: Nick is remorseful about his behaviors and is looking for his girl friend to apologize.
Essence: Nick is seeking forgiveness for his abusive behavior with John’s Sister Susan.
Scene: Nick does a surprise visit to John, Susan’s brother And Now:
EXT. FRONT DOOR – JOHN’S HOME – DAY
NICK, a dark-haired, confident 28 year old with visible
facial tattoos stands holding a small tray with two cups of
coffee in his left hand and knocking with the other hand.
Nick waits impatiently for someone to answer.
After three knocks, JOHN, 30 with bright blue eyes and a
blond mullet opens the door looking irritated.
JOHN
Hey Man, it’s too early to be on my
door…This better be important.
NICK
Yea…Can I come in?
Nick offers up a cup of coffee. John looks suspiciously at
Nick first then hesitantly takes the cup of coffee.
JOHN
You must want something. You never
visit me. What is it, be brief.
John leans forward looking out into the yard for others.
JOHN (CONT’D)
I was up late and need to get back
to my sleep. Dude, what’s up?
NICK
It wont take long, can I come in?
John doesn’t speak but gestures with his head to come in.
INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM FOYER – DAY
Nick walks confidently inside looking all around for
something. He eyes a pink woman’s sweater on the back of a
dinning room chair.
NICK
Thanks.
Nick eyes dart back to John.
NICK (CONT’D)
I was in the neighborhood… I love
what you’ve done to the place.
JOHN
That’s some bullshit…
2.
NICK
No man, the last time I was here
with Susan, you didn’t have any
furniture.
JOHN
It could use some female touches,
but I can live without female
drama.
NICK
Do you mind if I sit?
JOHN
I prefer you stand. I need to get
back to my sleep.
John and Nick stand in the foyer about 5 feet apart. Nick
looks again at the pink sweater on the dining room chair.
NICK
Is Susan here?
John wrinkles his forehead.
JOHN
NO! Why would you think my sister
is here?
Nick tries to look poised.
NICK
Do you know where she is?
John looks distrustful but remains calm.
JOHN
Why, don’t you know, she’s your
woman.
NICK
Yea, I know, but we had a little
riff. And she bolted. She was
upset. We argued. I was only out
with the fellas. She’s always
tries to keep me from hangin’ with
my Boys.
JOHN
Then maybe she just needs sometime
to cool off. When did this happen?
Nick pauses before he answers and looks at the pink sweater.
He moves closer to John.
3.
NICK
She’s been here hasn’t she?
John steps back.
JOHN
NO. And if she wanted you to know
where she was then she would tell
you.
NICK
John, please, I want to surprise
her. See I already bought the
ring.
Nick walks to coffee table, puts down his coffee cup and
pulls small blue ring box out of his jacket pocket. He flips
the lid open. John raises his eyebrows.
NICK (CONT’D)
I love Sue…We are pregnant.
John looks surprised.
JOHN
She didn’t tell me. Let me text
her.
John takes a sip of the coffee and then puts the cup on the
foyer table. He pulls his phone from his back pocket and
begins to text his sister SUSAN. The cell phone shows the
text.
JOHN’S CELL PHONE TEXT
John: “Hey, where are you, Nick is
here.”
Nick looks nervous.
The cell phone text shows the three dots as John waits for
the reply.
JOHN’S CELL PHONE TEXT (CONT’D)
Susan: “…Oh no, I can’t tell you.
I left Nick. It’s over.”
John looks up at Nick who’s now pacing the floor.
JOHN
She wont tell me Nick. What the
hell happened?
Nick is angry, but tries not to show it.
4.
NICK
FUCK! We just had a spat. It
wasn’t that serious. I told her I
was not going to stop drinking with
my boys…
JOHN
You better tell me…
John’s cell phone pings. He looks away from Nick at the
message and his face turns red with anger.
JOHN’S CELL PHONE TEXT
Susan: “Brother, I’m pregnant, and
he hit me. (a sad emoji) I’m done.”
JOHN
Oh, hell no! Did you put hands on
my sister?! TELL ME, did you?
NICK
Well, uh I sorta, uh pushed her…
John lunges at Nick grabbing him around his throat. Nick
tries to talk but can barely utter.
NICK (CONT’D)
You know she’s so dramatic…
Nick’s voice trails off as John tightens his grip. Nick back
kicks at John until they both lose balance. The wrestle and
fist fight breaking up furniture. John reaches for a heavy
vase and crashes it Nick’s head. Nick passes out from the
blow.
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Syd’s Critique of David Kandel’s TRENT AND ROBERT
(I’m matching Forum “Day 7” with “Lesson 7.” Hope that works.)
First off, this was a great ride — pun intended. David’s choice to write the scene in the midst of drug trafficking while speeding down the highway in a Mazerati upped the tension and propelled the read. He gets points for Suspense and Interesting Setting.
We (the audience) went through uncertainty, ie. Hope/Fear, during the police chase and, later, for Trent when, Surprise, their cargo turned out to be fake. The Mislead/Reveal (it was all a set-up at Robert’s expense), which uncovered Trent’s Betrayal and the audience was then placed in a Superior Position relative to Robert.
The scenario did not start in “celebration,” but that could be easily remedied with a few lines and Robert uncorking some champagne or popping open some beers. The “ass-whooping” turned out to be staged, which added to the interest of the scene (we’ll see how the producer feels about it).
Trent demonstrated all the assigned traits — in a way. He was aggressive and was clearly revealed to be conspiring. He “acted” needy in order to dupe Robert and he was “meticulous” in how he set up the dupe. The scene was about Trent’s subtext. Though it was not clear that he didn’t own the Maserati, he was manipulating Robert to do his bidding for free.
As for Robert’s traits, the low-self esteem really came through and I could see him as gregarious. The traits “smooth” and “secretive” didn’t really manifest. I didn’t see him as hiding something. The subtext — gossiping to take others down — was missing.
Overall, I saw this as a really good take on the scene — interesting and unpredictable, using many of the interest techniques. It would be up to the producer as to whether the missing elements present an issue, yet the writer is clearly capable of adding them in.
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David’s Critique of Sydney Burtner’s QE Cycle 1 Rewrite featuring Trent & Robert
The setting choice was excellent. The location had a suspenseful vibe that pays off at the end of the scene. Both characters appear shady in their own way and it’s hard to distinguish who is telling the truth, which adds to the mystery and uncertainty of the moment.
Information about what is really going is revealed with hints, innuendos, and misleading elements which add to the intrigue.
Robert sets up Trent with Kelly by claiming he is a hot shot talent agent, which is bogus. Robert gives Trent the impression that Kelly has the hots for him and wants to get physical in the back room, which is NOT what Kelly has in mind at all.
We get the feeling throughout the scene that the main characters are out to screw each other, both figuratively (and literally in Kelly’s case), which underscores the betrayal that comes at the end when Robert finds out that Trent is essentially conning him.
The author uses multiple interest techniques, however, there were some elements of the scene that were confusing to me. From the opening, it was clear that Trent was known and liked by the staff and patrons. It was odd that Kelly would trust Robert and fall for his story when Trent was a “regular” at the bar whom she seemed to know and like. It may have made more sense for Trent to set up Robert, the stranger to Kelly, as the talent agent.
Kelly said Mr. Troutman was the owner. Later Robert said he was the owner. So it was unclear as to how far the transaction had actually gone.
The author does an excellent job of drawing Trent as a braggart and a fake.
Once Robert finds out that Trent was leading him on, his character changes radically and he turns on him giving the audience a sense of impending doom that awaits Trent.
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