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Day 7 Assignments
Click reply to post your assignment.
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13 Replies
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Because I am pasting into these forums, my format is a huge mess and I don’t know where I am in terms of meticulous page numbering.
EXT. PALISADES CLIFFS – NIGHT
Boiling red magma seeps into sedimentary rock glowing with lethal power.
VO
200 million years ago we were Magma Monsters as we boiled up from Mother Earth into the sedimentary rock of the Palisades frying dinosaurs.The scene suddenly changes to Spring 2020 as the rocks stand cool and quiet.
VO
The Lenape Indians called us a row of trees and now we are as sawed off and stalwart as the nearby West Point soldiers. You think you are locked down with COVID? We have had the longest lockdown. LITONYA LENAPE, a buff American Indian woman is bouldering with forty year old JAKE LA ROCHE Spring 2020.She scrambles to the top while he slips and falls, unleashing a shower of small pebbles, but laughing and clapping.
JAKE
You rock Litonya! Women are stronger than men.VO
See how tight her hands grip our rocks. That’s how the COVID spikes clench your lungs.CLOSE ON the red of the Coronavirus pulling back to an AERIAL SHOT of the Manhattan sunrise.
VO
We are jealous of these quiet, invisible killers since our better boiling days are over.IBRAHIM
The Summit brings us closer to God.
VO
And on top of Manhattan because he must be in control. CLOSE on his Muslim prayer beads, sparkling with black diamond and gold, something his Saudi relatives would consider idolatrous, but it works here. His 10 year old daughter ASTRIDE works on the roof garden with KISELE FELDMAN, also ten years old.KISELE
Nature is our God.Ibrahim clenches his fist with this blasphemy but prepares the prayer mats.
SANDRINE, his wife, and DELPHINE, the other triplet, are doing band exercises with JAKE LA ROCHE the handsome 40 year old trainer whose turquoise eyes charm everyone.
IBRAHIM
Turn off the music. Prayer time.
Jake switches his phone to loud, resonant call to prayers in Arabic as the women twist and stretch more vigorously.
IBRAHIM
Off, now!
Jake is a people pleaser, so he salutes and mumbles “rain check,” to the ladies.
JAKE
You’re the boss. They know what to do, or not. Damn Best Butt Ever, they got the wings of angels! I gotta client uptown. Later.Jake flies off the roof like a hornet on speed.
The ladies finish their exercises gracefully as Ibrahim and Omar go through their rituals on the wings of angels because the other four members join them. Ibrahim blows kisses to everyone, avoiding contact, puts on an N95 mask, takes the elevator, gets his car out of the garage, and drives on the FDR.
EXT. EAST RIVER – DAY
Sixty-something BOAT BOB splashes on to the scene at sunrise. He decamps his homemade tent beside the East River, Cloroxing everything so the park police won’t take note and smell humanity and transforming himself from homeless into a clean hiker with a large backpack and an N95 mask that covers his toothless mouth.EXT. IBRAHIM’s CAR – DAY
Ibrahim, expensively dressed, picks up Boat Bob in his fancy electric car, stressing the contrast between them. BB gets in the back seat. It is strange that they say nothing as they drive through a pandemic-quiet north Manhattan and on to the GW Bridge where BB’s eyes light up.
EXT. GW BRIDGE – DAY
CLOSE ON You are not alone. Call 911.IBRAHIM
Suicide is haram in Islam unless it is Jihad.BB
What do they mean? Everyone is alone. This is the choice place for non-essential New Yorkers to commit suicide. Falling off this magnificent, famous GW bridge is more dramatic. And it’s like winning the lottery—a tiny chance you will be saved by global attention.IBRAHIM
Don’s say commit because you can’t criminalize the desperate acts of the marginalized mentally ill. The politically correct say complete suicide.
BB
I like death too much to end it forever. I need to keep enjoying it as long as I can. But then I flunked out of school with Incompletes.They notice Jake running with his client.
IBRAHIM
Now there’s a man who flunked out of college, thanks in part to me. But we forgave each other and now he trains my family at dawn on the roof.Once on the Jersey shore, Jake leaps up the side rocks and pockets a small sharp basalt rock from the Palisades cliffs.
BB
He can’t see us through the windows.IBRAHIM
He doesn’t want us to pick him up anyway. He’s like a kid, always playing. Great babysitter.BB
And baby maker.Ibrahim steps on the gas and speeds to
EXT. PALISADES – DAY
BB covers his face and soul with a face shield and N95 mask. He pulls sanitizers out of his backpack and refills them with condensed COVID as if he were methodically preparing for a camping trip. Ibrahim and BB watch Litonya, a geologist at the Earth Observatory who boulders up a tough section of the rocks, exhibiting superhuman strength. They honk once she jumps down. She gets into the car with a bag of rocks. No hellos, or how are you, this world-class 45 year old rock climber is a woman of direct discourse and magnificent muscles, crackling with cognitive brilliance.LITONYA
I love nature. I would kill my fracking father again. I am not reformed after seven years in jail.BB
After seven months in jail I transformed into a better citizen. By the way, those are beautiful stones—they’d make gorgeous jewelry.LITONYA
I hate jewels and cosmetics.BB
You don’t need them because you are naturally beautiful.VO
It is important to pretend to be honest, matching her on the nose dialogue with his friendly rejoinders, but the truth is that he deserves to spend seven lifetimes in jail, or worse. Ibrahim narrows his black eyes in the rear view mirror and BB gets the signal to shut down into servile silence so the two of them can discuss their business for the EvergreenEnergy Company etc.LITONYA
Not now. I must prepare my Zoom defense for my doctoral dissertation in geology.EXT. SOLAR HOUSE – DAY
They drop Litonya off at her solar house on Huguenot Street. Kisele is her Zoom star since she lacks social skills. CLOSE on the zoom with the other professors applauding and giving thumbs up charmed by his ten year old wisdom.KISELE
Underground the Northeast is a labyrinth of old mines, contaminated water, and fracking disturbances that will cause future earthquakes.EXT. COLONIAL – DAY
Ibrahim leaves BB at the Colonial garage, a huge white pillared mansion with antique cars where BB helps Kisele and the kids design eco boats.INT. TUDOR MANSION – EVENING
Ibrahim finishes the next day alone in the Green Room of his Tudor and stone home on Huguenot St. with Muslim prayers. Out his window he sees Jake covered in turquoise paint. BB watches everything from the woods.EXT.TURQUOISE CHURCH – DAY
Jake is painting a pink church turquoise to turn it into a virtual fitness studio. FADMA and MINA pass by, Ibrahim’s former wife and daughter. Jake ends his day stretching and meditation in his alcove overlooking the forest. PAN the brushed brass track lighting as his EvergreenEnergy program heats up to his sighs of masturbation.INT. LA ROCHE STONE HOUSE – DAY
Jake makes and serves lunch to JEAN LA ROCHE, his dad and a history professor locked in with ALS. Brass antique chandelier hangs in his study, swinging with the noose of the past. A grandfather clock beats the metronome of the present. The windows are covered with rich tapestries, hiding the future. His mom, DR. JOAN LA ROCHE stops by on her way to work.EXT. EAST 72nd ST. – DAY
Ibrahim and BB dodge the protesters during pandemic summer 2020. BB looks approvingly at the holes in his shoes.BB
Dressing down can be as challenging as dressing up.IBRAHIM
Wasn’t it amazing that Pfizer and Moderna created the perfect vaccines almost immediately, fitting into the COVID spikes like a jigsaw puzzle? We must dethrone the oily-garchs by locking down the world, reducing travel and tourism, and defunding fossil fuels. My STEM and Big Pharma stocks are stronger than ever.BB
There are too many destructive, useless, and miserable humans on earth. Not all crimes are solved, whether they are the unleashing of bioweapons or the repeated murders of serial killers.IBRAHIM
Some blame it all on China, others on the research with Fauci, Winnipeg, Saudi Arabia, and Israel that was ceased by Obama. Naïve Greenies say climate change made the bats give it to humans. It’s an international secret I would love to solve.BB
You could do it if you hide the truth with fantasies. Wikipedia has a hilarious, long website about COVID misinformation that could fuel movie plots for years to come. Young people can’t stand being quarantined. Protests are ways to socialize outside, screaming, shouting, spitting, and blowing off steam.Ibrahim and BB join the BLM Protests on Fifth and 72<sup>nd</sup> but leave after they spit on cops, scream “NYPD suck my dick,” and then are dismayed by the looting of designer stores on Madison Avenue.
IBRAHIM
Black lives do matter but spitting in a pandemic could be murder, especially if the cop dies of COVID.A SERIES OF SHOTS as they pound the pavements of Manhattan and end up in a tent in City Hall Park surrounded by a huge crowd screaming, “No justice, no peace. Black Lives Matter. Defund the police.” They walk through the West Village where garbage fires light up the night. The NYPD are greeted with eggs, spit, and kicks. BB is happy to observe this time.
Ibrahim almost stops a crowd from breaking windows in an elegant Tribeca shop, but BB gently holds him back.
BB
Let them express themselves. How else can we get rid of all these people?IBRAHIM
Fewer carbon emissions everywhere. Humans are the worst polluters. I never thought healthy, young college students could smell as badly as the unwashed homeless.BB
Looks are deceptive. They did nothing for me either and that is amazing considering how young women used to stimulate me.
After one night Ibrahim pays for
INT. SMALL HOTEL – NIGHT
a small room near the South Street Seaport to shower and nap.BB
That’s why I want to live on boats. Let’s take a walk.EXT.BATTERY PARK – SUNSET
Ibrahim considers Lady Liberty.
IBRAHIM
Gorgeous gift from France. I’ve always loved French culture, one reason I married Sandrine. We speak French at home.BETTY
C’est si bon! Will this lockdown ever release Lady Liberty?IBRAHIM
She still looks like a goddess at sunset.BETTY
You still believe in God or Allah?IBRAHIM
I am on the seesaw, weighed down by love of family and Islam on one end, and our science projects on the other. Omar makes me pray but on my own, I am not as observant as I used to be.BETTY
Romantic love and freedom fade with the sunset. Long live COVID.IBRAHIM
Thank God, I mean Science, we are immune.BB winks as he sprays the COVID sanitizer on their bench.
INT. NEW PALTZ MEDICAL CENTER – DAY
Dr. Joan tests positive for COVID. BB sprays sanitizer everywhere in this silent world of white.INT. LA ROCHE STONE HOUSE – DAY
BB is obsessively cleaning the mansion in preparation for her quarantine. Jake morphs into a caretaker for parents.INT. CPR OFFICE -DAY
Jake practices CPR on dummies. JOE, BB’s adopted son, helps. Then he puts on his firefighter uniform. BB enters and he and Joe go over old boxing videos.FLASHBACK to the funeral of Joe’s first boxing coach Floyd Patterson in the New Paltz cemetery who died of Alzheimer’s.
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Feedback for Julia
Julia,
I found the opening VO’s very mystic, dreamlike, bold. I was waiting for the inciting incident. Very compelling.
It continued that way until I got to this line: “Jake flies off the roof like a hornet on speed.”
I immediately had no idea if he was actually flying or simply leaving the roof in a hurry. 😮
I liked the introduction of Boat Bob and the contrast between Ibraham and Boat Bob. I was going along for the ride and beginning to wonder what all of their conversation about suicide was leading up to.
Then I got to this scene:
EXT. SOLAR HOUSE – DAY
They drop Litonya off at her solar house on Huguenot Street. Kisele is her Zoom star since she lacks social skills. CLOSE on the zoom with the other professors applauding and giving thumbs up charmed by his ten year old wisdom.From that point on, I’m afraid I had no idea what was going on. The rest of your 10 pages looked like scene headings with summary paragraphs, but I didn’t get a feel for the story or what it might be about from that point on.
I wasn’t clear who the protagonist was or what their mission was after those first three great pages and the very moody opening and VOs.
You had me hooked on the first 3 pages, but I struggled after that.
I love your writing style and the way you created a mood so quickly.
Janeen
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My pages are in the Day 6 section and ready to critique. I’ll try to grab someone else’s and critique that tonight or tomorrow. It looks like that’s how this is supposed to work, but I’m not sure.
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Hi Janeen,
I was first struck by the skillful way you introduce characters, precisely and evocatively, without cliches. I loved the incongruous juxtaposition of the beautiful people stretching out in the limousine with the rapid fire of high impact unanswered questions by reporters to open your script. The visual and auditory clash of opposites creates a seductive environment to introduce the abuse of Amber by Daniel. He is a famous fashion designer who enjoys the elegant dinners as much as he loves to slap his wife and hurt her. I like the way Amber interacts with the kids. Then it is great she lies about her bruises and cuts and denies her husband’s guilt, the way most domestic victims do. You set up the subtext well for this with your twist. Your inciting incident is clear because the audience is now furious at Daniel but also worried because Amber cannot defend herself. It creates an open wound in the psyche of the audience as well as the Central Dramatic Question of what will happen to Amber? I read some of your first scenes and said then that your choice of nestling domestic abuse in this visually rich, upscale world instead of the depressed mentally ill shelters I see around here is excellent. It reminds me of a French documentary I just saw On the Edge of the World where homeless people told their stories framed by the magnificent lights shining on Paris’ most iconic buildings by night. Good luck with your terrific project!
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Michelle Damis Feedback for Amy Falkofske
I think this is a great premise, one I could see watching with my sister. (could see Kristen Bell as the lead, plus she is super gracious to work with)
You hit several of the opening events from the Mastery Sheet. I think there is room to expand on the character descriptions to paint a picture and create more tone. And some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose. I try to think about what I want the audience to feel from the dialogue instead of what I think I want them to say or what they need to say.
Is your twist that Meagan knows the husband? If so it is a great place for cleaver language and intrigue.
The rest of my feedback is below/mixed in. What a FUN piece to write. I hope you’re having fun writing it because that fun and joy should flow through into your words and actions.
FADE IN:
INT. – UNIVERSITY SCIENCE LAB – DAY
A large tube-like machine WHIRS LOUDLY. It’s huge. It takes up almost the whole room. It’s a supercollider.
An old man is running back and forth frantically. This is Dr. Smitty.
**Maybe something more ominous in description of machine?
**Description of Dr. Smitty so that the reader can see him in their head (both for reader and actor, what is interesting about him? He is the first character we see.
DR. SMITTY: TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
A young woman stands next to the machine unfazed, smug. It’s MEAGAN DONOHUE, 30s. She is Dr. Smitty’s teacher’s assistant.
**Description of Meagan WHY is she one of the leads? What is unique about her?
A man holding a camera stands frozen in place, not sure what to do. This is WBEN anchor Andrea Richards’ cameraman, MARK.
DR. SMITTY(to Meagan):COME ON YOU DOLT! JUST DON’T STAND THERE.
**if I had a better description of the DR. I might understand his use of the word DOLT, especially when he is speaking to a young pretty woman.
Dr. Smitty runs towards the machine. He reaches for the switch, but…
ANDREA RICHARDS, 30s, suddenly pops out of the machine. The normally quaffed news anchor is disheveled and completely disoriented. **Description Andrea….why is she so special that the entire story is about her?
Meagan frowns. Mark stands with his mouth open.
DR. SMITTY THANK GOD!
**If she is coming back 1 year later would Meagan and Mark be there? Or am I missing something? I’m not sure I understand the timeline.
ANDREA I’m back!
DR. SMITTY What happened? What did you see?
ANDREA I’ve got to go home. I need to talk to my family.
**Could be more provocative maybe if when she comes back she doesn’t really say anything?? That it is her emotion and action that tells the story of how she is feeling and what she is thinking. Maybe the audience would anticipate more if her emotion was clearer?
Andrea bolts out of the lab.
DR. SMITTY Wait! Mrs. Richards, we need to talk about this.
INT. – NEWS DESK – TWO WEEKS EARLIER
ANDREA RICHARDSON, (35) peers into a mirror and scrunches up her face. She is in her happy place, behind the anchor desk, where all her life’s purpose is and most of her self-worth lies.
**Description of Andrea…maybe this is the second description or additive to the earlier one. I think it could be appropriate to have both.
ANDREA Ick!
She fixes her lipstick and rights a stray hair, then smiles a satisfied smile.
ANDREA All better!
FLOOR MANAGER (O.S.) Going live in 30.
Andrea quickly slips the mirror under the desk. Her brow furrows as she studies her script.
FLOOR MANAGER In 5-4-3-
The floor manager points to Andrea. She plasters the smile back on her face and looks directly into the camera.
ANDREAGood evening and welcome to WBEN’s 5 News at Noon. Breaking at this hour, the late David Miller’s painting entitled “Love Unrequited” was stolen from the Johnston City Art Museum.
Andrea turns to the monitor behind her on the set.
ANDREA With me now is the museum’s curator, Seth Meyers. Seth, thank you for joining me.
**Description of Seth Meyers. And are you using the name because of the comedian??
Andrea punches a few buttons on her phone and puts it up to her ear.
INT. – KITCHEN – NIGHT
JOSH RICHARDSON, (30s), Andrea’s husband’s phone buzzes. He picks it up and continues to stir something in a skillet.
**Description of Josh (why would an actor want the role?) etc…
JOSH I hope you’re calling to tell me you’re on your way home.
INT. – NEWSROOM – MAKEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Andrea shoos the MAKEUP LADY away.
ANDREA What are you wearing?
INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION
JOSH Two unhappy children.
ANDREA I have to cover this story. It could be my big break.
JOSH I’ll miss you too.
ANDREA But you’ll love all the money I’ll be making when I get hired by the network.
Josh sighs and hangs his head.
ANDREA Besides, you’ll be up when I get home, right? For some quality time?
A smile spreads across Josh’s face.
JOSH Ugh! What am I going to do with you?
**Maybe add a bit more description or direction on the tone of this scene… I read it a couple times before I got it. Maybe something about their playful banter? Using a word like teasingly.
INT. – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Chloe and Benjamin sit at the kitchen table. Chloe writes furiously, looking back and forth between her paper and her textbook. Benjamin reads. Josh is engrossed by something on his phone.
**Description of kids. Since this is the first time we are seeing them. The description also informs the relationship with the parents
Chloe abruptly stops what she’s doing and looks up at her dad.
CHLOE Dad?
JOSH(without looking up)Yeah?
CHLOE When’s mom coming home?
JOSH She’s not.
Josh finally looks up.
JOSH She was discovered today.
CHLOE Discovered?
JOSH Yeah, by a Hollywood director.
BENJAMIN Really?
CHLOE Is mom going to be in a movie?
JOSH I’m sure she will eventually. She’s very attractive and the camera loves her.
BENJAMIN But what about us? You said she was just working late.
JOSH You’ve got me.
CHLOE No offense dad, but you can’t even do 7th grade math.
JOSH Neither can your mom.
CHLOE Dad! Are we ever going to see her again?
BENJAMIN Yeah! I can’t believe she would just leave us like that!
**Description
of kids and more directions on emotions and actions would help me understand
how this scene reads. Can’t tell if it
is sarcastic or a little too on the nose.-
Thanks, Michelle. It IS kind of confusing and I need to figure out how to clear things up. Basically, Andrea goes back to key moments in her life, then comes back through the machine a year into the future. Once she learns her lesson in the future, she comes back through the machine a second time in the original time. The opening scene is taken from the very end of the movie when she has just spent a couple of months in the future but now she is back to the present day. So for Dr. Smitty, Meagan and Mark, it’s only been a few minutes.
I do need to do a better job of introducing the characters. I will agree with that. The tone of the movie is meant to lighthearted and funny. I often get told my dialogue is too on the nose. It’s the bane of my existence! Your suggestion to think about what I want the audience to feel is helpful. Thanks for the feedback!
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Amy’s Critique of Michelle’s Opening
INT. STUDY/LIBRARY- MODERN DAY – NIGHT
An UNKNOWN MALE FIGURE sits in an expensive leather chair next to a roaring fireplace. A well-aged book wide open on his lap, the classic fairytale words, “Once Upon a Time” visible. SIBLINGS, 16yrs old, one female, one male, sit with uncertainty on the couch opposite.
*Who are the siblings? Do we find out later?
MALE FIGURE(V.O.)
Let us begin. The year was…
EXT. CONCERT VENUE 1987 – NIGHT
DURAN DURAN on stage performing, “Hungry like the Wolf”. The crowd going crazy, a sea of 80’s fashion, and new-wave hair.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
*I like this flashback to the 80s, and it’s kind of humorous.
1987?… That’s not right. Let me think… Hmm…Oh Yes!
Closeup “Twilight Zone” style clock face speeding forward.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
2022… I began that year as unquestionably the world’s most bored vampire and unbeknownst to me I was soon to be homeless.
INT. STUDY/LIBRARY – MOMENTS LATER
The siblings exchange a glance, half curious, half disbelief.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Yes. A vampire. Completely bored with my own existence. Over 600 years of mundane, unexciting, eternal disappointment. The worst curse imaginable.
*Great line.
The flames of the fire transform into a pile of burning garbage, continuing into a montage of the destruction of the planet and its resources.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Add to that, endlessly watching mortals waste. They waste everything; the planet, their resources, themselves. They repeat mistake after mistake. They never learn.
*Another good line.
Montage shifts to: Money, banking, stock market, violence.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
And greed… Stupid pieces of paper they make the center of their universe. They even murder for it…the emptiest of all reasons to kill in my opinion.
Black and white clips from old vampire movies, villagers with pitchforks, etc… Blends into montage of humans committing various atrocities over time.
*Good imagery.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Ironically, humans call vampires evil. Well, the ones that believe in us anyway. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? But, I digress(deep sigh)…back to boredom.
Clip of a “bored” stereotypical “Dracula” vampire.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
“Bored to death”?… I wished! Did you know that vampires cannot kill themselves? It’s literally impossible… Trust me. I tried. And tried. And tried.
Montage of various stereotypical vampires trying to kill themselves: falling, drowning, poison, hit by train, etc…
*Funny
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Even that got boring…
INT. OLD HISTORICAL BUILDING – NIGHT
A MALE FIGURE stands, face concealed, gazing out a window.
MALE FIGURE(V.O.)
At the time I was living in an abandoned building, it was an architectural gem and it was free. I preferred not to use currency when I could avoid it… One of my few principles.
Over the centuries I’d gone from pauper to millionaire and back several times, it was easy when you had the time on your hands that I did… It was like taking candy from a baby… which I’d also done a time or two.
This is the first time we see OSGOOD THE VAMPIRE, mid to late twenties, handsome, but not perfect. His face full of character and charm, with piercing eyes that hold centuries of stories. He is bent over a pram and a crying baby.
OSGOOD
(to camera) Did you expect a monster? Oh…and I can’t turn into a bat and I DON’T sparkle…
Flashback of Osgood at a desk piled with books. Close-ups on books: Medical, Law, Architecture, Engineering, etc…
OSGOOD (V.O.)
I also read a lot. I could’ve passed any number of exams, to be a lawyer, a doctor, an electrician. Again, time was on my side, but I hated it.
Flashback to a group of children playing in slow-motion. Time lapse footage baby to death-bed
OSGOOD (V.O.)
When humans are young time seems to go painfully slow. As they age, time continuously accelerates until their final moments are but a blur.
*I love this bit of wisdom.
A flashback of Osgood with a dying patient in a hospital bed.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Mortals have one thing in common, it’s that no one gets out alive. Whether by my hand or not, their time is finite and I envied that.
A coffin lowering into the ground.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
You know Vampires don’t sleep in coffins to avoid the sunlight, right? It’s really a symbol of what they can never have.
INT. ABANDONED HISTORICAL BLDG – NIGHT
Osgood turns away from the window he was standing in earlier. Dead serious with his infinitely wise eyes.
OSGOOD
(directly into camera)
The grass IS always greener.
He crosses the room to a mirror, smoothing his hair.
OSGOOD
(in mirror)Yes… I can see my reflection.(turning to camera) More rumors.
Osgood selects a jacket off the rack and puts on his shoes.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Think about it… Never seeing yourself change, is far worse than never seeing yourself at all.
*Profound
INT. STAIRWELL ABANDONED BUILDING – NIGHT
Osgood glides down the dimly lit stairs.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Of course, I spent my days out of the sun. Unfortunately…the daylight thing is an issue…
EXT. ABANDONED HISTORICAL BDLG – NIGHT
Exiting the building into the cool night air. Osgood loves the smell of honeysuckle, he doesn’t know why exactly.
A flyer posted on the nearby fence catches his eye. “NOTICE” in BIG, RED LETTERS. He reads it quickly and shoves it in his pocket before heading down the street alone.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Nights I often met up with other vampires. We’d frequent places typically open late.
EXT. LAUNDROMAT – NIGHT
Osgood is walking past a laundromat. Through the window a LONE PERSON is seen digging thru a dryer suspiciously.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
All night laundromats were surprisingly interesting places. You wouldn’t believe how many people steal underwear. There are a few less thanks to me.
Clip of lone person with panties and a terrified face. Blood spatters on dryer door glass. From inside the machine we see Osgood wipe the blood spatter with a rag.
OSGOOD
(thru the glass)Such an easy place to clean up too.
*Funny that he takes the time to clean up.
EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Osgood walks along a wall of graffiti belonging to a nightclub. The music THUMPS from within like a heartbeat.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Nightclubs were natural hangouts of course… Alcohol has no effect on us, no taste either. We CAN eat anything, but nothing has flavor or sustains, but blood.
A line of people wait to get into the club. A BOUNCER waves him to the front of the line letting him pass. Osgood slips him a hundred dollar bill. (Freeze-frame on bill).
OSGOOD (V.O.)
My hatred of standing in line trumps my money principle.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – CONTINUOUS
Osgood walks down a long ramp into the bar. MUSIC BLARING.
OSGOOD
(to camera) Human blood has the most flavor…animal blood varies.
Stopping at a viewpoint over a sea of mortals writhing on the dance floor like a pit of snakes.
OSGOOD
Some humans are animals.
He overlooks the crowd with a forlorn, faraway gaze.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
I started a game with myself long ago to pick the most despicable humans I could. Naively, I thought I could somehow do good.
Shrugging with disappointment.
OSGOOD
(to camera)I never made much progress.
INT. NIGHTCLUB BAR – CONTINUOUS
Osgood’s gaze transitions to his POV. A guy at the bar(MR. DRINK SPIKER, a little to old for the crowd, ex-athlete, white-privilege all but stamped on his forehead) sneaks something into a BEAUTIFUL, OBLIVIOUS WOMAN’S drink.
Across the bar a pair of fury-filled, green eyes belonging to NINA BREWSTER (23, Medusa like curls, Athena’s beauty, and all of Pandora’s curses locked up in her attitude) observes the “sly” attack.
Without losing visuals on her target, Nina slams a shot of Vodka flavored courage, and beelines for the assailant who has no idea the wrath heading his way. Nina darts around the bar, whisks the spiked drink away from its prey and confronts the predator. She taps him on the shoulder.
NINA
Excuse me.
He turns, towering over her petite frame. She steps in closer, hand raised, drink perched in her tiny palm, smiling.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
Well Hello.
He oozes. She sparkles.
NINA
You forgot your drink at the bar, and you look REALLY thirsty.
His creeping eyes now static. She raises the drink closer to his face. Taunting.
NINA
What? It looks delicious… Come on, drink up!
His face flushes like a douchebags red Corvette(that probably is sitting in the parking lot). Nervously, he looks around, his eyes momentarily connect with Osgood’s, who has a decent seat for the show. He turns to leave, Nina grabs his arm, he comes out swinging, Nina ducks.
The commotion catches the BARTENDERS attention, he and a BOUNCER are on the spot in seconds, but not before Nina throws the drink in Mr. Drink Spikers face. He lunges at her. The bouncer is bigger and quicker, the douchebag is in a headlock before he knows what’s happened.
BARTENDER
What’s going on here?
NINA
He put something in that woman’s drink.
Motioning to the still oblivious beauty at the bar.
NINA
I thought he might like a sip.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
That’s BULLSHIT!
He screams from the headlock that just got a bit tighter.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
I don’t know what she’s talking about.
He barely squeaks out. His red flush quickly turning blue.
BARTENDER
We’ll take it from here. In the future, let us handle it, OK?
NINA
Suuuure.
BARTENDER
(leaning close) And hey, drinks are on the house for you tonight. Good work.
He discreetly extends his hand for a fist-bump, only to receive a thankless eye-roll.
Nina’s cell phone VIBRATES. Text reads, “WE’RE HERE!” Looking up, she spots THREE FRIENDS about her age. They look like they all just walked out of Forever 21. She heads their way.
Osgood follows Nina with his eyes, not breaking his stare even when a SEXY WAITRESS interrupts him.
*This is a good twist. You do a great job of introducing Nina and foreshadowing a relationship between Nina and Osgood.
SEXY WAITRESS
Can I get you a drink?
OSGOOD
I’ll be having a drink later.
The sexy waitress moves on…her ego almost bruised.
Osgood stands fixated until ELLIS (30’s, strong, black vampire) and YEE-LING (early 40’s, Chinese vampire. Her elegant, shiny hair falling to her waist) both appear out of nowhere on either side of him as he watches Nina.
“Freeze” on Ellis(text across screen)“Vampire-401 Years”.
“Freeze” on Yee-Ling(text across screen)“Vampire-192 Years”.
Ellis leans closer registering Osgood’s view of Nina.
ELLIS
For later?
OSGOOD
I don’t think so…
Yee-ling glances at her phone.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Yes, vampires text. Why wouldn’t we? Who do you think invented the blue light filter?
Flashback of a stereotypical vampire looking at an old cell phone with a bright screen going up in a puff of smoke.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Serious lifesaver…
YEE-LING
Pasha is waiting for us, come on…
INT. NIGHTCLUB/VIP COUCH AREA – MOMENTS LATER
PASHA (the fittest 85-year-old Russian on the planet. The baby of the group, bottom of the pecking order) Pasha enthusiastically waves Yee-Ling and the others over to private, plush, white VIP couches.
“Freeze” on Pasha (text across screen) “Vampire – 2 Years”
Osgood positions himself where he can still see Nina across the dance floor. A waitress drops off bottle service.
ELLIS
Ozy…What’s new with you?
Osgood really hates that word, ”new”. His glare quickly changes as he remembers something. He reaches into his pocket and throws the folded piece of paper at Ellis. Yee-ling, panther-like, snatches it out of the air.
ELLIS
What is it?
Yee-ling scans it quickly.
YEE-LING
Ozy has to move… Again.
She tosses the paper to Ellis. CLOSE-UP ON FLYER. Osgood’s building is being torn-down to build fancy new condos.
This is a good inciting incident.
ELLIS
Why don’t you just give in and buy one of these new condos? It’ll be years before the gentrification catches up.
YEE-LING
(mocking)Because he looooves his “architecture”…
PASHA
Yeah, Ellis told me you have plenty of money…
Pasha realizes he should just shut up. A phone RINGS. Yee-ling answers.
YEE-LING
(speaking perfect Swedish)
Osgood looks at Ellis confused.
ELLIS
Babbel… She’s addicted…
They listen to her in awe. Yee-ling hangs up.
YEE-LING
That was Magnus, he wants us to meet him at the bowling alley.
Pasha excitedly hops up, his young Vampire status keeps his enthusiastic. (Give him a few years.)
ELLIS
Let’s go then…
Before following the others out Osgood scans the room, getting a last glance of Nina on the dance floor.
EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Osgood and the others exit, the cops are next to a squad car wrapping up with Mr. Drink Spiker.
Ellis, Yee-Ling and Pasha immediately head down the street. Osgood doesn’t move.
PASHA
(yelling) Ozy…?
In the background Mr. Drink Spiker sulks away, citation in hand.
OSGOOD
I’m just not up for Magnus tonight. You guys go.
YEE-LING
(in Russian)Suit Yourself.
ELLIS
(to Pasha) What did she say? Nevermind, I can’t keep up…
*You can totally disregard this if you want, but this part with Pasha, Yee-Ling and Ellis seems kind of static. What part do they play in the rest of the story? You could potentially introduce these characters later (or just spend less time focused on them) and spend more of your first 10 pages introducing Nina’s mom and dad and the predicament that they are in.
Osgood watches them walk away, then heads in the opposite direction. He quickly catches up with Mr. Drink Spiker who is fumbling with his keys.(which of course ARE to a “douche-bag-mobile” sportscar). The two make eye contact. It’s true that the eyes can say it all.
An incoherent blur of fast movement, blood spatters on car window.
INT. NIGHTCLUB/DANCE FLOOR – NIGHT
Nina dances the night away, her whole life ahead of her. Music pumping, flashing red lights transition into.
INT. BREWSTER HOUSE MAIN BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING
Flashing red of alarm clock – 4:50am. A manicured hand silences the alarm.
MARIN BREWSTER, (mid 50’s, healthy and vibrant looking, even at the crack of dawn) slides quietly out of the bed. She tries not to disturb her husband of 30 years.
JIM BREWSTER (mid 50’s. George Bailey, Ted Lasso and Rudy (NOT Giuliani BTW) rolled into one. Seriously the best person anyone knows). He even looks happy when he sleeps.
*You do a really good job of introducing Osgood. His character comes across strong on the page. Your opening does a good job of drawing you into the story. Osgood’s dialogue is really great in my opinion. It kind of blew me away. You are definitely on the right track.
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Thank you for the feedback. Your suggestion about the timing of 3 “friend” vampires is a very good one. I’m going to explore how I might be able to shift that. Its been interesting seeing how this story evolves. There is so much of my personal life in it (my daughter hates me, and I don’t know why, and literally a vampire would be easier to live with)
BTW the siblings are Ninas grandchildren. I think/hope I have some pretty good twists at the end.
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Thanks for your constructive criticism Janeen. Since my main focus is finishing the last novel of a complex trilogy, many parts of my screenplay are coded. I am using this class to keep me structuring my project rather than produce a commercial screenplay because that would come after the publisher contracts the entire trilogy and then we get adaptation options. But your criticism should be incorporated in my first complete draft.
Thanks!
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P.S. Janeen: I loved the content of your oral pitch on Saturday but you could work more on public speaking techniques. I used to teach public speaking and published a chapter in a funny public speaking textbook last fall selling now on Amazon https://p-nt-www-amazon-com-kalias.amazon.com/Teach-Public-Speaking-Sense-Humor-ebook/dp/B09D9QNN5M. Even when you project is sad, humor on a pitch can help cover up nervousness and mistakes. I couldn’t talk Saturday because I am still swollen and miserable from my dental surgery.
Your career looks great! COVID killed my jobs and I have little income now so I must focus on getting publishers for my trilogy.
Peace and Health,
Julia
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Pablo’s Feedback for Michelle Damis
This is fun. I’ve always had an interest in Vampires whether it be in films or novels. They are instantly attractive and intriguing characters as they are typically cultured and/or wise due to their lifespan. I like “Ozy”, you write him well and there are a couple of parts so far that I think you should definitely keep in your screenplay.
There are points in your story that seem like notes to yourself in that they are more novelistic than screenplay description. By which I mean, the reader is told by reading it while the viewer would have no idea. But I’m sure you already know that. I do that on my first drafts as well when I want to slip something in but don’t yet know how to convey it.
It’s apparent that you have a very clear vision of all of this. But I’m not seeing an inciting incident yet and while your strength here is all the visuals I wonder if you can cut some of the introduction down a bit so you can cut to the chase a bit sooner.
I am curious as to who these teenagers might be. I’ll say now, I truly hope they aren’t merely there for Old Osgood to tell his story. After taking this course, I’m seeing this as a setup and hoping for a payoff. I only mention this because it is keeping me interested. I would continue reading to know what they have to do with the story.
I underlined my notes. Hope they help.
INT. STUDY/LIBRARY- MODERN DAY – NIGHT
An UNKNOWN MALE FIGURE sits in an expensive leather chair next to a roaring fireplace. A well-aged book wide open on his lap, the classic fairytale words, “Once Upon a Time” visible. SIBLINGS, 16yrs old, one female, one male, sit with uncertainty on the couch opposite.
MALE FIGURE(V.O.)
Let us begin. The year was…
EXT. CONCERT VENUE 1987 – NIGHT
DURAN DURAN on stage performing, “Hungry like the Wolf”. The crowd going crazy, a sea of 80’s fashion, and new-wave hair.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
1987?… That’s not right. Let me think… Hmm…Oh Yes!
(Why the 80’s jump? Will there be flashbacks to other eras or timelines that have to do with this story? Is this for comedic relief to kind of loosen up the mood after your dark and ominous introduction? Maybe I’m asking too early. But now, after reading this a couple of times, I’m just not seeing the use of it.)
Closeup “Twilight Zone” style clock face speeding forward.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
2022… I began that year as unquestionably the world’s most bored vampire and unbeknownst to me I was soon to be homeless.
INT. STUDY/LIBRARY – MOMENTS LATER
The siblings exchange a glance, half curious, half disbelief.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Yes. A vampire. Completely bored with my own existence. Over 600 years of mundane, unexciting, eternal disappointment. The worst curse imaginable.
The flames of the fire transform into a pile of burning garbage, continuing into a montage of the destruction of the planet and its resources. (Great transition. We are visually diving right into the story.)
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Add to that, endlessly watching mortals waste. They waste everything; the planet, their resources, themselves. They repeat mistake after mistake. They never learn.
Montage shifts to: Money, banking, stock market, violence.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
And greed… Stupid pieces of paper they make the center of their universe. They even murder for it…the emptiest of all reasons to kill in my opinion.
Black and white clips from old vampire movies, villagers with pitchforks, etc… Blends into montage of humans committing various atrocities over time.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Ironically, humans call vampires evil. Well, the ones that believe in us anyway. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? But, I digress(deep sigh)…back to boredom.
Clip of a “bored” stereotypical “Dracula” vampire.
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
“Bored to death”?… I wished! Did you know that vampires cannot kill themselves? It’s literally impossible… Trust me. I tried. And tried. And tried. (This is the fourth time Osgood says the word “bored” within a page or two. This would be a good time to use a thesaurus.)
Montage of various stereotypical vampires trying to kill themselves: falling, drowning, poison, hit by train, etc… (Sunlight? Decapitation? Hire humans to kill him? I’m nitpicking here and I do see that you are breaking down the “stereotypes” of Vampire life but I’m finding this hard to believe (ironic since it’s fantasy). Later on, we see a vampire die because of the light from his cell phone, so why not kill yourself that way?)
MALE FIGURE (V.O.)
Even that got boring…
INT. OLD HISTORICAL BUILDING – NIGHT
A MALE FIGURE stands, face concealed, gazing out a window.
MALE FIGURE(V.O.)
At the time I was living in an abandoned building, it was an architectural gem and it was free. I preferred not to use currency when I could avoid it… One of my few principles.
Over the centuries I’d gone from pauper to millionaire and back several times, it was easy when you had the time on your hands that I did… It was like taking candy from a baby… which I’d also done a time or two.
This is the first time we see OSGOOD THE VAMPIRE, mid to late twenties, handsome, but not perfect. His face full of character and charm, with piercing eyes that hold centuries of stories. He is bent over a pram and a crying baby.
OSGOOD
(to camera) Did you expect a monster? Oh…and I can’t turn into a bat and I DON’T sparkle…
Flashback of Osgood at a desk piled with books. Close-ups on books: Medical, Law, Architecture, Engineering, etc…
OSGOOD (V.O.)
I also read a lot. I could’ve passed any number of exams, to be a lawyer, a doctor, an electrician. Again, time was on my side, but I hated it.
Flashback to a group of children playing in slow-motion. Time lapse footage baby to death-bed
OSGOOD (V.O.)
When humans are young time seems to go painfully slow. As they age, time continuously accelerates until their final moments are but a blur.
A flashback of Osgood with a dying patient in a hospital bed.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Mortals have one thing in common, it’s that no one gets out alive. Whether by my hand or not, their time is finite and I envied that.
A coffin lowering into the ground.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
You know Vampires don’t sleep in coffins to avoid the sunlight, right? It’s really a symbol of what they can never have. (Love this concept. Keep this in. Very clever.)
INT. ABANDONED HISTORICAL BLDG – NIGHT
Osgood turns away from the window he was standing in earlier. Dead serious with his infinitely wise eyes.
OSGOOD
(directly into camera)
The grass IS always greener.
He crosses the room to a mirror, smoothing his hair.
OSGOOD
(in mirror)Yes… I can see my reflection.(turning to camera) More rumors.
Osgood selects a jacket off the rack and puts on his shoes.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Think about it… Never seeing yourself change, is far worse than never seeing yourself at all. (Again, clever. This is the conundrum of eternal life explained from a unique perspective. Keep this in.)
INT. STAIRWELL ABANDONED BUILDING – NIGHT
Osgood glides down the dimly lit stairs.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Of course, I spent my days out of the sun. Unfortunately…the daylight thing is an issue… (My point on the whole suicide thing. Too slow and painful maybe?)
EXT. ABANDONED HISTORICAL BDLG – NIGHT
Exiting the building into the cool night air. Osgood loves the smell of honeysuckle, ***he doesn’t know why exactly. *** (This is what I meant by being novelistic. How would the viewer understand from this shot/scene that Osgood doesn’t know why he loves the smell of honeysuckle? Only the reader would know this which is why I assumed that this is more of a note to yourself. He would have to tell another character this fact for the audience to know.)
A flyer posted on the nearby fence catches his eye. “NOTICE” in BIG, RED LETTERS. He reads it quickly and shoves it in his pocket before heading down the street alone.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Nights I often met up with other vampires. We’d frequent places typically open late.
EXT. LAUNDROMAT – NIGHT
Osgood is walking past a laundromat. Through the window a LONE PERSON is seen digging thru a dryer suspiciously.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
All night laundromats were surprisingly interesting places. You wouldn’t believe how many people steal underwear. There are a few less thanks to me.
Clip of lone person with panties and a terrified face. Blood spatters on dryer door glass. From inside the machine we see Osgood wipe the blood spatter with a rag.
OSGOOD
(thru the glass)Such an easy place to clean up too. (Funny. All walks of life at a laundromat. I get a visual of some other vampire using bleach to take out tough blood stains or something.)
EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Osgood walks along a wall of graffiti belonging to a nightclub. The music THUMPS from within like a heartbeat.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Nightclubs were natural hangouts of course… Alcohol has no effect on us, no taste either. We CAN eat anything, but nothing has flavor or sustains, but blood.
A line of people wait to get into the club. A BOUNCER waves him to the front of the line letting him pass. Osgood slips him a hundred dollar bill. (Freeze-frame on bill).
OSGOOD (V.O.)
My hatred of standing in line trumps my money principle.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – CONTINUOUS
Osgood walks down a long ramp into the bar. MUSIC BLARING.
OSGOOD
(to camera) Human blood has the most flavor…animal blood varies.
Stopping at a viewpoint over a sea of mortals writhing on the dance floor like a pit of snakes. (Here we go. This is good screenwriting. Dark, poetic and so easy to visualize.)
OSGOOD
Some humans are animals.
He overlooks the crowd with a forlorn, faraway gaze.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
I started a game with myself long ago to pick the most despicable humans I could. Naively, I thought I could somehow do good.
Shrugging with disappointment.
OSGOOD
(to camera)I never made much progress.
INT. NIGHTCLUB BAR – CONTINUOUS
Osgood’s gaze transitions to his POV. A guy at the bar(MR. DRINK SPIKER, a little too old for the crowd, ex-athlete, white-privilege all but stamped on his forehead) sneaks something into a BEAUTIFUL, OBLIVIOUS WOMAN’S drink.
Across the bar a pair of fury-filled, green eyes belonging to NINA BREWSTER (23, Medusa like curls, Athena’s beauty, and all of Pandora’s curses locked up in her attitude)(cool) observes the “sly” attack. (Solid character description. Very professional.)
Without losing visuals on her target, Nina slams a shot of Vodka flavored courage, and beelines for the assailant who has no idea the wrath heading his way. Nina darts around the bar, whisks the spiked drink away from its prey and confronts the predator. She taps him on the shoulder.
NINA
Excuse me.
He turns, towering over her petite frame. She steps in closer, hand raised, drink perched in her tiny palm, smiling.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
Well Hello.
He oozes. She sparkles.
NINA
You forgot your drink at the bar, and you look REALLY thirsty.
His creeping eyes now static. She raises the drink closer to his face. Taunting.
NINA
What? It looks delicious… Come on, drink up!
His face flushes like a douchebags red Corvette(that probably is sitting in the parking lot). Nervously, he looks around, his eyes momentarily connect with Osgood’s, who has a decent seat for the show. He turns to leave, Nina grabs his arm, he comes out swinging, Nina ducks.
The commotion catches the BARTENDERS attention, he and a BOUNCER are on the spot in seconds, but not before Nina throws the drink in Mr. Drink Spikers face. He lunges at her. The bouncer is bigger and quicker, the douchebag is in a headlock before he knows what’s happened.
BARTENDER
What’s going on here?
NINA
He put something in that woman’s drink.
Motioning to the still oblivious beauty at the bar.
NINA
I thought he might like a sip.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
That’s BULLSHIT!
He screams from the headlock that just got a bit tighter.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
I don’t know what she’s talking about.
He barely squeaks out. His red flush quickly turning blue.
BARTENDER
We’ll take it from here. In the future, let us handle it, OK?
NINA
Suuuure.
BARTENDER
(leaning close) And hey, drinks are on the house for you tonight. Good work. (I don’t think this is all that necessary. We already get that she is a heroine from this scene. Getting a reward of free drinks for a good deed seems cheap given that she wasn’t doing it for anyone’s approval. With that said, this whole scene drags out a bit too long. When you catch a creep red-handed, I don’t think you need all that back and forth. We get a lot just from her actions, you can trim some dialogue. I suggest to cut some fat and gain some blank page here.)
He discreetly extends his hand for a fist-bump, only to receive a thankless eye-roll.
Nina’s cell phone VIBRATES. Text reads, “WE’RE HERE!” Looking up, she spots THREE FRIENDS about her age. They look like they all just walked out of Forever 21. She heads their way.
Osgood follows Nina with his eyes, not breaking his stare even when a SEXY WAITRESS interrupts him.
SEXY WAITRESS
Can I get you a drink?
OSGOOD
I’ll be having a drink later.
The sexy waitress moves on…her ego almost bruised.
Osgood stands fixated until ELLIS (30’s, strong, black vampire) and YEE-LING (early 40’s, Chinese vampire. Her elegant, shiny hair falling to her waist) both appear out of nowhere on either side of him as he watches Nina.
“Freeze” on Ellis(text across screen)“Vampire-401 Years”.
“Freeze” on Yee-Ling(text across screen)“Vampire-192 Years”.
Ellis leans closer registering Osgood’s view of Nina.
ELLIS
For later?
OSGOOD
I don’t think so…
Yee-ling glances at her phone.
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Yes, vampires text. Why wouldn’t we? Who do you think invented the blue light filter?
Flashback of a stereotypical vampire looking at an old cell phone with a bright screen going up in a puff of smoke. (Hilarious. But again, seems like an easy way to commit suicide.)
OSGOOD (V.O.)
Serious lifesaver…(This line contradicts his thoughts of killing himself… Alright I’ve made my point.)
YEE-LING
Pasha is waiting for us, come on…
INT. NIGHTCLUB/VIP COUCH AREA – MOMENTS LATER
PASHA (the fittest 85-year-old Russian on the planet. The baby of the group, bottom of the pecking order) Pasha enthusiastically waves Yee-Ling and the others over to private, plush, white VIP couches.
“Freeze” on Pasha (text across screen) “Vampire – 2 Years”
Osgood positions himself where he can still see Nina across the dance floor. A waitress drops off bottle service.
ELLIS
Ozy…What’s new with you?
Osgood really hates that word, ”new”(Again, novelistic. How would the viewer know he hates the word “new”? He’ll need to respond to the question in some way for your audience to understand. If it’s the glare in your next sentence, I assumed that his gaze was still on Nina.) His glare quickly changes as he remembers something. He reaches into his pocket and throws the folded piece of paper at Ellis. Yee-ling, panther-like, snatches it out of the air.
ELLIS
What is it?
Yee-ling scans it quickly.
YEE-LING
Ozy has to move… Again.
She tosses the paper to Ellis. CLOSE-UP ON FLYER. Osgood’s building is being torn-down to build fancy new condos.
ELLIS
Why don’t you just give in and buy one of these new condos? It’ll be years before the gentrification catches up.
YEE-LING
(mocking)Because he looooves his “architecture”…
PASHA
Yeah, Ellis told me you have plenty of money…
Pasha realizes he should just shut up. A phone RINGS. Yee-ling answers.
YEE-LING
(speaking perfect Swedish)
Osgood looks at Ellis confused.
ELLIS
Babbel… She’s addicted…
They listen to her in awe. Yee-ling hangs up.
YEE-LING
That was Magnus, he wants us to meet him at the bowling alley.
Pasha excitedly hops up, his young Vampire status keeps him enthusiastic. Give him a few years. (Is this meant to be a V.O.? I ask because of the sentence: “give him a few years”. If not, this is also novelistic.)
ELLIS
Let’s go then…
Before following the others out Osgood scans the room, getting a last glance of Nina on the dance floor.
EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Osgood and the others exit, the cops are next to a squad car wrapping up with Mr. Drink Spiker.
Ellis, Yee-Ling and Pasha immediately head down the street. Osgood doesn’t move.
PASHA
(yelling) Ozy…?
In the background Mr. Drink Spiker sulks away, citation in hand.
OSGOOD
I’m just not up for Magnus tonight. You guys go.
YEE-LING
(in Russian)Suit Yourself.
ELLIS
(to Pasha) What did she say? Never mind, I can’t keep up…
Osgood watches them walk away, then heads in the opposite direction. He quickly catches up with Mr. Drink Spiker who is fumbling with his keys.(which of course ARE to a “douche-bag-mobile” sportscar). The two make eye contact. It’s true that the eyes can say it all.
An incoherent blur of fast movement, blood spatters on car window.
INT. NIGHTCLUB/DANCE FLOOR – NIGHT
Nina dances the night away, her whole life ahead of her. Music pumping, flashing red lights transition into.
INT. BREWSTER HOUSE MAIN BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING
Flashing red of alarm clock – 4:50am. A manicured hand silences the alarm.
MARIN BREWSTER, (mid 50’s, healthy and vibrant looking, even at the crack of dawn) slides quietly out of the bed. She tries not to disturb her husband of 30 years.
JIM BREWSTER (mid 50’s. George Bailey, Ted Lasso and Rudy (NOT Giuliani BTW) rolled into one. Seriously the best person anyone knows). He even looks happy when he sleeps. (Like)
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Pablo Soriano.
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Thank you so much for taking the time! Your feedback is valuable. I do tend to go novelistic a bit, and I’ve already noticed as I reread and edit I slim that down. (But is does help me stay clear on my vision when I’m first writing) As an actor I like when I get “nuggets of info” into a character, and a few of the comments you pointed out are more for the actor to nail the scene. I do foresee I will need to be careful not to overdo it. I appreciate pointing out the suicide inconsistencies. My intention is that they cannot have “intent” in talking their own life(part of the curse) so I need to make sure that is clear. I’ll work on that. Both your feedback and my other reviewer have given me solid ideas.
I will get to yours ASAP. I had surgery on my tongue yesterday and I’m a bit out of sorts.
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Take your time. No rush. I’m still tweaking it a bit.
That’s a great bit of insight of leaving nuggets for the actor. It’s a good idea.
I see what you trying to do with the suicide thing. Intent… Makes me wonder if Vampires actually have some greater, overall purpose. So they aren’t allowed to call it quits. Maybe it’s why they aren’t necessarily immortal, just “undead.” Like they can’t move on to the next life until they accomplish some inconceivable goal or complete their centuries of servitude to a higher Vampire or to the Vampire “movement” or something… in order to break their curse. I don’t know, now the gears in my head are turning…
I’ve read somewhere that the tongue is one of the fastest healing parts of the body. I pray for an even speedier recovery. Hope you feel better soon.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
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