Day 7: Find Your Script’s Entertainment Value

[Mary Chamberlin]

Mary and Rich’s Scene Ratings

What we learned doing this assignment is it’s good to go through in reverse order, avoids complacent errors and breaks up continuity and look at individually. Rating and trying to be objective is tough, but allows even comparison between beats/scenes.

Results. What were your high scenes, your low scenes, and what surprised you?

High was a 10 for the nude modelling scene, cracks us up every time. Low are the “glue” scenes that tie in continuity, but add little flavor to the broth. Far too many of them here it seems, which surprises us. Need a rework to move these below the surface.

“Morty and Jax”

Act 1:

(1) [E8] INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

A cluster of feet stride by wearing Nike Airs, trendy flats, clogs and heels, than a pair of black Walmart gym shoes navigates through, quickly.

(2) [E7] INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT

MORTY EIDER, 59 year-old male walks in carrying books, takes the only open seat in the back of the class, next to JAX ARNOLD, a 25 year-old psychobilly punker. The teacher, MS. BELLA BUSTAMONTE, enters and welcomes them to Screenwriting 101 class. She announces they’ll be paired up and graded together and there is a $500 college-wide annual contest tie in.

(3) [E6] INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

Jax takes a phone call outside of class. He texts, “I’m assigned with an old loser.” Morty reads over his shoulder, “I’m not old, kid.” Implores him to get together to work tomorrow.

(4) [E5] INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – DAY

Morty, up at 5, dressed by 6, calls Jax. No reply. He leaves a message, Googles Jax’s number, gets his address and grabs his car keys.

(5) [E3] INT. CAR – DAY

Morty arrives at address. It’s a run down tenement. OR GATED COMMUNITY Strange.

(6) [E4] EXT. SCHOOL – DAY

Morty sits on a bench watching students stream by. No Jax. Looks at his watch and heads towards the Arts Center Building.

(7) [E10] INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Jax sits at an easel in the back. The nude model who walks in is Morty. After striking poses, Morty jumps off the dais and heads towards Jax sans towel. Confronts “partner”. Jax gets a threatening text from his father. “Get an A in all your classes or your funding is cut off.” Jax tells Morty he will meet with him that night at the diner.

(8) [E8] INT. DELL’S DINER – NIGHT

In a red vinyl booth, they disagree on their project theme, calling each other kid and old man. They make a truce and put money into a doggie bag each time one name calls. Waitress LOIS becomes arbitrator for their ideas. Morty wants “Shakespeare vs. Hitler” and Jax wants “Through the Alien Wormhole”. Lois sides with Jax. Morty buys dinner.

(9) [E4] EXT. DELL’S DINER – NIGHT

Morty offers Jax a ride home in his rolling wreck named Mabel. Jax carries the doggie bag with some of their name-calling cash already inside.

(10) [E7] INT. CAR – NIGHT

Mabel sounds as loud as a airplane engine. Morty says his $250 share of the winnings will just cover the repair bill.

(11) [E6] INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT

The next evening, Morty sits alone before class and tries to mish-mash Hitler-like Aliens and World War two airplanes in a wormhole. Students file in, including Jax. Bella gets everyone to come up and pitch. Morty and then Jax’s are both disasters.

(12) [E5] INT. DINER – NIGHT

Morty and Jax need to work but instead talk about dating apps. Morty is attracted to Ms. Bustamonte and would like to date her. Jax vows to help Morty with getting a date.

(13) [E7] EXT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Morty shows up way too early at Jax’s apartment. 7:30 a.m. Morty is an early bird, Jax a night owl.

(14) [E5] INT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Morty snoops finding recycled wall art d’object and Jax is the artist. Questions him. Jax is cagey, offers espresso in demitasse cups. Morty finds out that Jax family is rich. Jax bribes Morty to forget S vs H by picking out dating apps.

(15) [E3] EXT. MORTY’S HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY

It’s a middle-class neighborhood. Jax is at his door at noon.

(16) [E5] INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – DAY

Jax snoops, finds a picture of woman and child, good Samaritan award, detailed model airplanes, and a record collection including Queen Bohemian Rhapsody. Jax teases and questions. Morty serves coffee, they riff on ideas to no avail.

(17) [E8] EXT. MORTY’S YARD – DAY

Morty convinces Jax to go out into the yard to play act one of his ideas to get unstuck. Morty takes out tools from his shed to demonstrate his idea, “Yard Wars” complete with Rake Plant Talker, RUDeet Spray, Princess Lettuce Organic, etc. It’s terrible.

(18) [E6] INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT

Before class starts, Morty hurriedly sends a text to Ms. Bustamonte. He flubs it. “Ho Ms. Busty would you like a mate?”

(19) [E7] INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

Damn spell checker. Morty and Jax realize his mistake. Ms. Bustamonte dings them.

(20) [E7] INT. DINER – NIGHT

Jax gets a call from his Dad, lies about seeing Melanie. Morty overhears, asks about her, but Jax is evasive and says she’s nobody. They work badly and agree to try again tomorrow. Morty will pick Jax up after his early art class, and, no, Morty will not be the model this time. Jax tells him he has an errand at Melanies first on the way to class.

ACT 2

(21) [E6] INT. MORTY’S CAR, MABEL – DAY

After finding out that he will be going to Melanie’s house and meeting her, Morty brings flowers. Jax tries to convince him that she is not his girlfriend.

(22) [E7] EXT. MELANIE’S APPARTMENT – DAY

Morty recognizes the tenement he visited, a low rent neighborhood. They go through a security door, then to 202 – MELANIE, a tired looking 20 something, answers.

(23) [E7] INT. MELANIE’S APPARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Melanie beams about the flowers. KYLE, an eight-year old boy, runs in and instantly takes to Morty, showing him his airplanes. They go play. Jax and Melanie talk. Jax dismisses Morty, Melanie scolds him.

(24) [E7] INT. KYLE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Morty and Kyle are on the floor playing with the airplanes. Jax watches them. The usual teasing. Melanie calls them to have tea.

(25) [E8] INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Melanie, Jax and Morty sit down for tea. They chat. Morty confesses to being laid off and not being able to get a job. Melanie asks Morty if he has any kids, but before he can answer, they hear a loud bang from the other room.

(26) [E8] INT. KYLE’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Melanie, Jax and Morty dash to Kyle’s bedroom. Kyle is having an epileptic fit. Jax and Melanie console him. Morty gets a glass of water. Kyle is embarrassed. Morty cheers him up.

(27) [E2]. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

They recap that he has epilepsy. Morty and Jax say their good-byes for now.

(28) [E3] INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY – DAY

Their mantra, “win the $500 competition”. Although dismal, they are starting to add fresh ideas about what they know.

(29) [E4] EXT. STREET – DAY

Morty parks in the only spot open, Mabel, his car, limping in with a loud roar and puff of smoke.

(30) [E8] EXT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Morty shows up as Melanie is leaving with Kyle, who begs to get together soon. Melanie says there is a local air show over the weekend and they can have a picnic together. Morty tells them that last night when he got home, the App had setup a first date.

(31) [E3] INT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

They discuss their project, jokes flying back and forth. They seem to be working together better now. Also, they talk about each of their relationships.

(32) [E4] INT. MORTY’S CAR – NIGHT

Morty and Jax are driving to class. It is the evening after Morty’s date. It went well. He will bring her to the air show.

(33) [E5] INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT

Ms. Bustamonte is building a structure of bricks to demonstrate talking about structure. How one brick relies on the other to support it. Morty figures out Jax’s secret, that he is helping Melanie and Kyle using the money that his father gives him.

(34) [E3] EXT. AIR SHOW FAIRGROUNDS – DAY

A panoramic view of the air show, with a control tower. In the tower, field commander, BENNY ARNOLD, who is Jax’s Dad, looks out at the activity.

At one booth Bella Bustamonte is a flight demonstrator getting ready to present.

(35) [E3] INT. MORTY’S CAR – DAY

Morty, Jax, Melanie and Kyle arrive.

(36) [E6] EXT. MORTY’S CAR- CONTINUOUS

They pop out of the car. Morty whispers to Jax to tell Melanie that he likes her. Morty’s date will arrive later.

(37) [E8] EXT. AIR SHOW – CONTINUOUS

Morty and Kyle wander off to see the planes. Jax tries to tell Melanie how he feels but fails. Jax’s Dad appears and chides Jax for being with Melanie. Morty and Kyle rejoin them. Jax’s father Benny Arnold doesn’t like Morty, they argue. he threatens to cut off the Jax money. Jax leaves, Morty then confronts Jax’s Dad who stalks off.

Then, Bella Bustamonte appears, all think she’s Morty’s mystery date. But, it’s really Melanie’s mom. Jax doesn’t like it. He pulls Morty aside, while the others walk to a lecture. Jax confronts Morty. They argue. They decide to not work together anymore.

Act 3

(38) [E3] INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY

Morty sulks as he looks at his picture of a woman and child.

(39) [E3] INT. JAX’S APPARTMENT – CONTINOUS

Jax sulks as he looks at the picture of Melanie and Kyle.

(40) [E3] INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – CONTINOUS

Morty sets down his coffee cup, loudly and tilts the picture face down onto the table.

(41) [E3] INT. JAX’S APPARTMENT – CONTINOUS

Jax surveys a coffee pot, a toy plane, a book of Shakespeare plays and a doggie bag filled with cash. He gets up and starts to move.

(42) [E7] INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – CONTINOUS

The doorbell rings. It’s Jax, who confesses his rant meant putting lots of cash into the doggie bag. Morty is downcast sitting silent and still on his couch, tells of the accident that killed his wife and child. This class was a new start for him and he actually had some hope. Jax listens. They each apologize and bring the team back together.

(43) [E4] INT. MORTY’S CAR – THE NEXT DAY

Morty and Jax sit in his car outside of Melanie’s apartment. Morty forces Jax to go and tell Melanie how he feels.

(44) [E8] EXT. MELANIE’S APARTMENT PATIO / MORTY’S CAR – CONTINUOS

Jax has flowers. Morty encourages him from his car, waving him on. He calls Melanie, who appears on her patio. Jax tells Melanie he loves her. Morty, popping out his car door, tells them to kiss and get back here so they can finish their assignment together.

(45) [E4] INT. DINER – NIGHT

They are writing furiously, making changes over many cups of coffee.

(46) [E6] INT. MORTY’S HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY

Everything is a wreck, but Morty has the latest computer equipment. They type “the end.” Morty and Jax press their fingers on the send key together to Bella Bustamonte’s address.

(47) [E6] INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – NIGHT

A nervous Morty says he can’t go into class. Tells Jax to go and find out the results and then meet him by Mabel, his car, in the parking lot.

(48) [E7] EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Jax tells Morty that they won, gives him $250. Morty is suspicious. Then other students come out celebrating the win. “The Sad Stupid Clown Story” won over “Yard Wars”. Jax says the cash is to fix Mabel so no death trap the next semester. Morty is surprised, Jax tells him next is Screenwriting Part 2 and there is another prize. And, guess what, Bella Bustamonte doesn’t teach that. It’s the start of a beautiful friendship, a la Casablanca.

**** Starting from the end, flag the beats that need help.

(27) INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

(32) INT. MORTY’S CAR – NIGHT

(34) EXT. AIR SHOW FAIRGROUNDS – DAY

**** Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed
each of those beats.

27 – Delete

32 – Convert into a classroom scene

34 – All telling, expository – up the ante here.

**** Also exploring changing from a Screenwriting Class to a Playwrite Class or a Love Of Science Class, with a similar play being produced for community theaster, OR a final science fair project ala National Science Fair replacing “Yard Wars” with perhaps a Time Travel experiment that goes horribly wrong, or the like.

[Elliott Williams]

Subject Line: Elliott Williams Scene Ratings

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” – I have a lot of entertaining scenes, which makes the weak scenes stand out in a bad way.

E4 is the low and E10 is the highest

ACT I

1. (E10) INT. Observation Room – 1980 – Day

Doctors administer what looks like a lethal injection to three military prisoners, but they turn into hideous creatures and murder the armed guards before the main doctor stops them with mind control.

2. (E9) INT. Front Door – Home – Present day – Day

Abigail, hears an eerie intermittent scratching at her front door. With trepidation, she opens the door to a muddied, disoriented and disheveled young woman in the middle of what seems to be a seizure, before she collapses.

3. (E8) INT. Home – Bathroom – Day

The young woman is in a tub of ice to bring the fever down. Abigail asks April, her daughter, if she’s still taking her meds. When April doesn’t answer, Abigail admits she gave her a small intravenous dose. April is pissed. She just needs rest and no stress. Abigail wonders is she going back to graduate school. April won’t answer.

4 (E8) INT. Home – Dining room – Day

Brent, April’s father, gets into an argument at dinner with April because she’s off her meds and came back home. He demands she leaves in the morning.

5 (E7) INT. Home – April’s Bedroom – Day

Abigail explains that Brent hasn’t been himself lately. She’s had to give him more medication than the doctors will allow. April is shocked to find out he’s on meds too.

6. (E10) INT. Home – Kitchen – Day

Brent, possessed, kills Abigail with ease and chases April back to her room where she locks herself in, only to hear him bellowing outside banging for her to come out.

7. (E9) INT. Home – Outside- Day

Plain Clothes Officers take Brent away in an armored truck after they ask if there was anything he told her that was odd or unusual.

8. (E10) INT. Home – Basement – Day

April tries to find anything odd or unusual and turns up a cache of hundreds of magnets with symbols scratched into them. She starts having a seizure.

9. (E10) INT. Police – Station – Day

April goes to the police station to ask Brent about the symbols and they tell her he’s not there. He’s with the CIA at an old military outpost.

ACT II

10. (E7) EXT. Military Outpost – Day

The Guard won’t let April on base. They don’t have anyone with the name Brent and they don’t have a jail of any sort.

11. (E7) EXT. Military Town – Day

April searches for anyone who knows anything in a local dried up town. She finds someone who used to be a guard. He tells her there was an accident many years ago that shut the base down for some time and the man in the picture died years ago. His name is not Brent. It was Dr. Gant.

12. (E4) INT. Hotel – Day

April does searches on line to find anything she can about the base or an accident. Nothing.

13. (E7) INT. Bar – Day

April follows Kerry, who left the base in the evening and went to a bar. She shows a picture of her father and Kerry tells her that looks like Austin Gant. He died many years ago, but that is the reason he’s here, to continue his work. April reveals she’s his daughter, he may be inside and she will help him get to his research if he helps her get to her Dad. Kerry agrees.

14. (E7) INT. Military Base – File Room – Day

Kerry helps April get into a secure sector of files. April searches the old files, has a very odd vision, which Kerry has to snap her out of. She’d been in there for over an hour. April, reveals she knows that someone from the file is still alive. She has to see them. Kerry and April are surrounded in the file room. Kerry is fired.

15. (E7) EXT. Midwest Town – Slum – Day

Ayoki Koji, a strung out drug addict, will only talk if they buy him a meal. He is severely damaged from all of the drug use over the years. April asks him about Dr. Austin Gant. He starts to sober up. He tries to leave, but April grabs him, he freezes, a patch of his skin starts to turn white and flake into the air. He tells her she has the sight and will join him in hell. He flees, but as soon as they chase him outside, military vehicles descend on them and round them up.

16. (E5) INT. Military Base – Torture Room – Day

The officer who spoke with her at her house, Field Officer Gaskins, questions April for information, but she wants to know where her father and her friends are. It’s a standoff. Gaskins tells April her father may have had some kind of virus that she may be infected with. She is free to go after observation.

17. (E8) INT. Military Base – Holding Cell – Day

In the cell, April’s hand starts to itch. She checks her palm and a small patch of skin is turning flaky white. She’s freaking out trying to rub the skin off when she falls into a hallucination, she sees Ayoki he’s walking through the building until her door opens, it’s Ayoki.

18 (E7) INT. Military Base – Hallway – Day

Ayoki leads the search for Kerry and Dr. Gant. He reveals he was a part of a secret program and escaped the facility before.

19 (E8) INT. Military Base – Torture Room – Day

Kerry has been tortured and can barely walk. He’s going to slow them down, Ayoki is freaking out and wants to leave him. Kerry reveals he knows where Dr. Gant is.

20 (E10) INT. Military Base – Medical Room – Day

Dr. Gant is strapped down to a medical table, flaky all over, somewhat bigger and his face is terrifying. Red swollen eyes, teeth gone from black slick gums. April is destroyed but she wants to get her father out. He won’t let her. Her father can’t see but senses Ayoki is there. He apologizes for experimenting on the soldiers and causing all of this. He’s also sorry for what he’s done to his daughter. He gave her the sight and the longer they all are together the faster they will change. Gant becomes a raging beast.

Act III

21 (E9) INT. Military Base – Hallways – Day

They barely escape, The Gant monster breaks out, has gone on a rampage killing soldiers. Ayoki is able to guide them away from the creature with his senses, but he’s becoming less and less able to fight off the change. April is freaking out and Kerry is limping badly. They won’t get out unless they hide and regroup.

22 (E7) INT. Military Base –Office – Day

They discover Field Officer Gaskins, noose around his neck, in preparation to hang himself. He reveals that there were beasts that were created before that still exist, have awoken and Dr. Gant was supposed to control them, but now they are doomed. Ayoki, a clairvoyant, offers to try.

23. (E8) INT. Military Base – Basement – Day

Gaskins tells all remaining soldiers to lead the Gant Creature to the basement. He and the team get tranquilizer darts on steroids, go to a secret chamber in the bowels of the building and find three big magnetic chambers with symbols engraved on them. The creature that’s awake can sense Ayoki’s presence which is making Ayoki start to lose control. The second creature awakes with a bellow. They have limited time has Ayoki fights to control his mind.

24. (E10) INT. Military Base – Basement – Day

The Gant Creature breaks in, they try to disable it with the tranquilizer darts, it only slows him down a bit. Ayoki tries to use his senses to control the creature, but it only accelerates his change and excites both the creatures in the boxes. The excitement draws The Gant Creature to the boxes to help the Creatures escape. The team scrambles to leave as they witness the second case crack.

25 (E6) INT. Military Base – Hallway – Day

They escape before the creatures break out, but Ayoki volunteers to try to hold them back as he’s almost completely changed.

26 (E5) INT. Miliary Base – Hallway – Day

While they try to escape, Kerry explains the research her dad did. She is their last chance. She needs to find an emotional link.

27 (E10) INT. Military Base – Lobby – Day

They make it to the lobby of the building, but they can’t escape as the doors are blocked with stacked bodies. The creatures show up, but now there are four. The team gets picked off one by one until April, finally, out of fear, finds the ability to control the creatures and uses it to make them destroy each other.

28 (E8) INT. Home – Basement – Night

April is at home in the basement. She is finishing arranging magnets in a circle on the floor. She takes some meds, takes off her bloody clothes, lies down in the middle. A third of her body is flaking white ash and her eyes are bulging red. She takes pill after pill and breathes. The Ash starts to recede as we see her eyes lose redness, roll up in her head and she passes out.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Elliott Williams.

[Mary Andrews]

Subject line: Mary J Andrews’s Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this assignment: that I need to look up more terminology.
Results: High scene was 10, low was 4. I am considering deleting 26 and 29.

(Paranormal Science Fiction Pilot)

OPENING P.1

1. (E6) SPACE MONTAGE WITH IRA (V.O.)

2. (E6) INT. PLEASURE PLANET TANIVOL NEMESIS BRIDGE – 0800 HOURS p.2
Ship touches down on Tanivol. Rael (35) intro, recording log info, gets call from 2 planet control officers. Checks stats passes them through gates to bring deliver ambassador to Nemesis.

3. (E8) INT. NEMESIS MAIN HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
(intro Laynald Lockheim–53) joins Rael in hallway, chides his rashness … Ira Haze (early 20’s) exits his quarters to join them and Rael tells him to put on Wall Master garb first.

4. (E9) INT. NEMESIS CARGO BAY – CONTINUOUS p.4
Rael scoffs at Laynald as they step onto the exit ramp … Planetary officers wheel Ambassador onto the ship’s gangplank to Nemesis. Guard 1 pulls out a stunner and tries to shoot Rael. Dodging, Rael disarms man and is body-checked off the ramp. Laynald darts the assailant…the second officer tries to run into him with gurney. He dives over to Rael…Ira arrives, pulls the gurney to safety inside, and steps onto the gangplank. The remaining officer freezes. Then Laynald darts him and he falls on his face. (Wall Masters are rare and known to be able to control, rewrite, and torture a man with a word or a glance—which he does.)

5. (E7) INT. NEMESIS SICKBAY — CONTINUOUS

Ira takes ambassador to sickbay and mind melds with him – pain is being caused by the psychic terrorists. Their agent, the one who still inhabits the ambassador’s mind, is being tortured as a conduit to his mind. Ira is barely able to escape, himself.

ACT ONE

6. (E5) INT. NEMESIS SICKBAY – AFTERNOON p.7
Ira awakens on the sickbay examination table. Laynald sits across the room watching.

7. (E6) INT. NEMESIS COMMON ROOM TABLE — CONTINUOUS p.8
describes common room group meets and eats, Ira reports findings to team…Laynald decides they’re being invited to try. Ira does not appreciate their insensitivity to slaver cruelty

ACT TWO

8. (E7) INT. TANIVOL NEMESIS COMMON ROOM LOUNGE – EVENING p.14
Rael wants a quick search before they do a physical search. Ira FINDS her again and melds.

9. (E5) INT. ELSEWHERE DARKNESS – CONTINUOUS p.14
Ira’s eyes open to darkness … racing heart … another cycle of searing pain … the feel of cold stone beneath her.

10. (E6) INT. TANIVOL BASE PARKING — NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – CONTINUOUS p.14
Ira snaps awake with a burst of rage which momentarily affect the Captain. Ira apologizes. Complete control is essential for what he does. Laynald threatens him. Ira reports little different in search but definitely slavers.Rael compu-links to search for local leads. Laynald and Ira leave … Rael turns off screens and watches in his mind.

11. (E8) EXT. TANIVOL SIDEWALKS LEADING AWAY FROM THE PORT – NIGHT p.18
streets are crowded, a carnival atmosphere everywhere … the dark trio look out of place there, then Rael freezes In mid-step.

12. (E8) EXT. TANIVOL CROWDED WALKWAY IN AN ALLEY – CONTINUOUS p.18
While Ira and Laynald look on from the street, Rael is entranced By Tristen. In his mind, she lures him to The Palace. He sees only Her. Ira intercedes and Laynald forces Rael into an alley so Ira can bring him back to reality.

13. (E8) INT. TANIVOL THE PLEASURE PALACE – NIGHT p.20
Ira follows Tristen’s trail in astral form and merges with her. This time he sees her but as through someone else’s eyes. She is being punished (slammed and thrown around until she is rendered unconscious ) for not retrieving Rael.

14. (E7) EXT. TANIVOL CROWDED STREETS IN AN ALLEY – NIGHT p.21
Ira returns to the team in the alley. Rael is confused, Ira tells him he found her. They decide to go to The Palace.

15. (E9) INT. TANIVOL PLEASURE PALACE – NIGHT p.22
Rael is drawn to The Palace by Tristen. When he enters it is exactly as he’d seen earlier. He wants to be there and He enters the privacy booth where she waits for him.

16. (E10) INT. TANIVOL PLEASURE PALACE – CONTINUOUS p.22
Two burly attendants stop Ira and Laynald as they enter the building. Ira lifts his dark glasses allowing the laser-lit signs to wickedly reflect from his eyes. They both flash Gov. Idents and they allow them in. Ira follows Rael into privacy booth. He is entranced by Tristen. Ira punches the captain and she collapses. When captain rises, they take Tristen back to Nemesis and take off.

17. (E8) INT. NEMESIS BRIDGE IN SPACE – Late night p.24
Rael sits in command chair and cannot pry Tristen from his mind. Laynald is examining her now. He heads for sickbay and is shocked by what she really looks like. Laynald informs the team what he’s discovered. Ira realizes She sees through others eyes and is telepathic. Rael worries he cannot escape her control. Ira steps up and tells them he will fix things. They leave Ira alone with her. He rewrites her into believing she is Rael’s slave.(beat)

18. (E9) INT. NEMESIS SICK BAY – Midnight p.30
Laynald and Rael return. Ira introduces Tristen to her new master, Rael. He is not happy about that but is relieved to feel her control over him fall away. He tests her abilities. She is eager to please. Rael has Laynald prepare her quarters next to Ira’s with locks on door… Laynald scouts up clothing for her and Ira is to take care of her.

19. (E9) INT. NEMESIS COMMON ROOM DINING TABLE — 0100 HOURS p.34
Ira takes Tristen to eat while Laynald sets her quarters. He eventually asks her about her origin. She informs him that she is chosen to save her world, a world ruled by infallible Oracles, but she cannot remember anything more than that.

ACT THREE

20. (E8) INT. NEMESIS COMMON ROOM DINING AREA — 0630 HOURS p.38
Laynald and Rael are drinking coffee at table. Laynald is worried about keeping Ira in close proximity to her. He may not be prepared for dealing with the wiles of a cunning woman. Ira and Tristen enter. They already seem to be getting close. Rael tests Tristen’s abilities … He tells them he wants Tristen to link the ambassador and Ira to him so he can find out what the mind-jackers were looking for. Ira protests but is not heeded.

21.(E8) EXT. TANIVOL WALKWAY A BLOCK FROM THE SPACE PORT — TWILIGHT p43
The ambassador’s memories play out what happened. It is much the same as she had done to Rael, except that the ambassador has no one to save him and ends up in an underground interrogation room. One of the things asked, is if he knows a person in a picture—Rael’s face appears.

22. (E9) INT. NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – 1000 hours.p.44
Ira receives and controls the flow of the ambassador’s sensory inputs … Tristen manages the shunt between them all. … Rael’s commands grate from a distance across their minds as his compu-link activates and he joins with the ship’s Computer.

23. (E8) INT. NEMESIS COMMON ROOM – 1030 HOURS p.45
Ira erases everything that happened and any memory of Tristen. She is led to her quarter. Only Ira and Rael Remain to face the ambassador. Eventually he realizes Ira is a wall master and Rael sends him away to check on Tristen. Ambassador asks to use secure channel to contact Government Control.

24 (E9) INT. NEMESIS CORRIDOR BEFORE TRISTEN’S QUARTERS – CONTINUOUS p.47
Laynald waits for Ira. He thinks something is wrong with her. Ira joins her to ease her pain and make her rest.He explains her worth to the crew and puts her to sleep. He sits with her afterwards.

25. (E5 ) INT. NEMESIS BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS p.50
Rael takes Ambassador to bridge and steps outside to give him privacy.

26. (E4 ) INT. NEMESIS CORRIDOR NEAR THE BRIDGE – EVENING p.51
Rael contacts Laynald to see how Tristen is doing. Then Ambassador comes into the hall and tells him Dark Ops wants to talk to him. Laynald approaches from down the corridor and is told to see to ambassador’s needs. Ops wants them to bring Ambassador there for debriefing. Rael leaves them.

27. (E8) INT. NEMESIS BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS p.52
Rael is told his adopted mother, Head of Dark Ops, is dying and wants him to come to her. Rael immediately Prepares to leave Tanivol.

28. (E6 ) INT. NEMESIS TRISTEN’S QUARTERS – CONTINUOUS p. 54
In her quarters Tristen stirs at Rael’s outburst of activity from across the ship. Ira eases her back into a deeper sleep and hearing the lock on her door behind him does not like the sound. He heads for the bridge…

29. (E4 ) INT. NEMESIS MAIN CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS p.54
Laynald joins up with Ira. Something is wrong.

30. (E9) INT. NEMESIS BRIDGE — CONTINUOUS p.55
Rael, Laynald and Ira review the situation and Rael realizes he is under attack…Laynald sees even more danger. The race to Momma Mahata’s side.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Mary Andrews.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Mary Andrews.

[KAREN GRIFFIN]

Act One

1. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Piper Voice Over. “I once had a dream…” An upkept little girl with messy hair and dirty clothes sits on the floor with a blank look on her face. A snake appears from the darkness and heads towards the little girl. Piper wakes up from her dream. (E9)

2. EXT. HALL PARKING LOT – LATE EVENING

Joel looks at the people walking into the hall. He calls Piper, who’s working at her office. They talk about the social pain they experienced as children growing up there especially Corey and Mixie. Piper notes how those experiences still affect her today. (E7)

3. INT. PIPER’S OFFICE – EARLY EVENING

Piper watches a group of her co-workers walk past her with their purses laughing and talking about going to dinner. No one asks Piper to come along. Piper looks depressed. (E8)

4. INT. HALL- NIGHT

Inside the hall, Corey and Mixie instigate gossip. They bring up others’ mistakes or oddities and elaborate on them negatively. They really turn up the heat with their trash talk. The doorman opens the doors and snakes that no one sees enters into the hall and slithers. People continue to talk as if no snakes are there. (E8)

5. INT. HALL – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Corey bumps into Joel. Corey calls Joel and freak and Joel tells Corey that he can’t handle outside the box. (E8)

6. INT. PIPER’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Piper looks at pictures of Joel with his new car that he sent to her on her phone. Her mom calls her and tells her that she sent an airline ticket to her to come home. Her mom stresses that Joel is here. Piper is apprehensive even though Joel is there. (E9)

7. INT. HALL – NIGHT

Gossip about people continues. Corey and Mixie verbally tear Joel to pieces. Snakes begin to circle individuals. Snakes circle Joel. (E10)

8. INT. HALL – NIGHT

Corey talks about a gadget he created that can start and stop anything by sending an electric current to enable or disable the power. (E4)

9. EXT. HALL PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Joel sends Piper a text saying that he no longer wants to be her friend; he wants to be her boyfriend. (E9)

10. INT. PIPER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Piper gets the text and tries to call Joel. She leaves him a message saying that she is going there. She goes to her closet and pulls out her suitcase to pack for her trip home. A Guardian Angel card falls from her closet. She picks up the card and prays it sincerely for help with returning to her hometown. The sun gets bright and a silhouette hand touches Piper on the arm. Piper scratches her arm but sees nothing when she looks at to what is making her itch. (E 10)

11. EXT. BOURG-LAROSE HWY – NIGHT

A car stops on a dark road. A person whom the snakes circled gets killed by a small group of people headed by Corey and Mixie. This happens a few times in the same night. The cars of the killed people get put into a canal. (E8)

Act Two

1. INT. PLANE – MORNING

Piper gets on a plane. A woman makes it a point to smile and wave at Piper. (e2)

2. INT. STORE – AFTERNOON

Piper gets home. She tries to be inconspicuous as she stops at a gas station to get a drink. The same woman on the plane calls her name. She asks Piper for her view on the town. She says her name is Alessia. (E5)

3. INT. STORE – AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)

Mixie walks in the store and sees Piper. Mixie tells the person she is with that she wants to dog somebody as she looks at Piper. Piper passes Mixie and Mixie says hello rudely. Alessia looks at Mixie as if something is wrong with her. Piper cowers away from the scene. Alessia asks Piper why she lets people walk all over her like that. Piper doesn’t have an answer. Alessia looks at Piper and tells her that she feels like an outsider, too. Piper and Alessia become friends quickly. Alessia leaves with Piper from the store. (E7)

4. INT. PIPER’S PARENTS HOME – AFTERNOON

Piper calls and leaves Joel a message. She says that she wants to date, too. (E9)

5. EXT. BANK OF CANAL – AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)

Piper sees Joel’s car being pulled out of the canal. She has a public breakdown. Alessia is right there by her side. People begin to chat about Piper’s reaction. Piper begins to say that Joel should have never come here. This is a cruel place. (E10)

6. EXT. BANK OF CANAL – AFTERNOON (CONTINUOUS)

Corey overhears a conversation validating Piper’s claim. He walks up to the group and turns the conversation around to get the attention off of Mixie and him. (E4)

7. INT. PIPER’S BEDROOM AT PIPER’S PARENTS’ HOME – EVENING

Piper tells Alessia about the crap that she went through here. She tells Alessia how she wants this to stop. She’s tired of being walked all over and dealing with the gossip. Alessia tells Piper that the first thing she should do is show the world how beautiful she is by serving at a shelter. Piper is angry and says that won’t help. (E5)

8. EXT. STREET – EVENING

Piper looks everyone else on the street. Alessia tells Piper not to do anything bad. Do the shelter. (E1)

9. INT. PIPER’S PARENTS’ KITCHEN – MORNING

A list of the people that have died are in the morning paper. Piper’s dad points out that twelve people have died on the Houma shortcut. Piper looks at Alessia and nods. Shelter. (E1)

10. INT. SHELTER – MORNING

Alessia walks into a shelter with Piper. Alessia reminds Piper that the first defense is to show everyone that she is beautiful. (E2)

11. INT. CAR – AFTERNOON

Piper tells Alessia that she feels better and is less angry. Piper gains confidence. (E1)

ACT THREE

1. INT. PIPER’S PARENTS’ LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Piper attends a tea party. She sits through a few minutes of the group and leaves. She feels sick. The trash talk made her sick. (E2)

2. INT. CAR, BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT

Alessia tells Piper things are about to get really hard. Piper asks Alessia how she knows this. Alessia says something about to light, to guard, to rule, to guide…Piper thinks for a moment. Alessia’s eyes flash. (E4)

3. INT – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT

Piper’s car breaks down. Piper looks at Alessia and asks who she is. Alessia tells Piper that she’s her Guardian Angel. (E5)

4. EXT. – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Corey and Mixie appear from the bushes with other people. They circle the car. The snakes appear and still no one sees them. (E10)

5. INT. – CAR – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Alessia tells Piper stay still for a moment. Alessia exists the car. Alessia looses her human flesh and her true nature is revealed. The snakes back away. (E10)

6. EXT – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT(CONTINUOUS)

Piper has a flashback to the Guardian Angel prayer. She watches this angel push back the snakes and the bad guys. Alessia looks at Piper and nods for her to exist the car. (E10)

7. EXT – BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Piper looks at Corey, Mixie and everyone else. She tells them their mouths have destroyed people. Because of the things that they have said, hearts have been broken, people have been beaten and killed…It destroys love. It brings on loneliness. (E5)

8. EXT-BOURG-LAROSE HIGHWAY – NIGHT