Day 8 Assignment

[Bob Onufer]

Bob’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned during this assignment is that changing three scenes will result in changing many scenes to make them consistent with any story or character changes in these three scenes.

Title: Eternal Flame

Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.

Scenes to elevate:

Scene 7 – First meeting with Dr. Volger

Scene 28 – Jeff’s meeting with Gwen to learn how to contact Rebecca

Scene 61 – Rebecca and Gwen spend night before the wedding eating ice cream

7. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Purpose of Scene: Explain the process to the audience; have Martin and Amanda commit to start.

a) Martin and Amanda meet the receptionist and are led into Dr. Volger’s office.

b) As they enter, they catch a glimpse of Shirley MacLaine leaving by another door.

c) Volger briefly lectures about patient confidentiality (re: Shirley); he will violate Martin and Amanda’s confidentiality later.

d) Volger serves Chai tea from India (Starbucks will make this famous a few years later).

e) Volger wants to know if they’re believers.

f) Volger explains the theory.

g) Martin and Amanda agree to start.

h) All agree to meet at the church where Martin and Amanda got married.

Elevate: Add a surprise at the end and imply motivation for Volger’s obsession with helping people meet their soulmates in future life.

a) Martin and Amanda meet the receptionist and are led into Dr. Volger’s office.

b) As they enter, they catch a glimpse of Shirley MacLaine leaving by another door.

c) Volger briefly lectures about patient confidentiality (re: Shirley); he will violate Martin and Amanda’s confidentiality later.

d) Volger serves Chai tea from India (Starbucks will make this famous a few years later).

e) Volger wants to know if they’re believers.

f) Volger explains the theory.

g) Martin and Amanda agree to start.

h) All agree to meet at the church where Martin and Amanda got married.

i) Volger states that he lost his soulmate at the same church.

28. INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY

Purpose of Scene: For Jeff to find out how to contact Rebecca.

a) Jeff arrives at law office and confronts receptionist who considers herself den mother to the female attorneys.

b) Gwen arrives and tells Jeff that Rebecca is in court procuring a restraining order for a client.

Elevated: Make more extreme by having Gwen withhold information about how to find Rebecca as long as possible. In the process seed the fact that Gwen is in love with Rebecca’s fiancé, Ken.

a) Jeff arrives at law office and confronts receptionist who considers herself den mother to the female attorneys.

b) Gwen arrives and confronts Jeff saying she would do anything to make sure Ken (and Rebecca) are not hurt.

c) Gwen talks about how great Ken is and how Jeff is scum by comparison.

d) Gwen slips out the fact that Rebecca is also a lawyer and is in court right now getting a restraining order.

e) Jeff says he just wants to talk to Rebecca.

f) Gwen says its not for him; it’s for a client.

61. INT. GWEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Purpose of Scene: Have Rebecca start to realize she may love Jeff.

a) Gwen and Rebecca eat ice cream the night before the wedding.

b) Gwen talks about how Jeff is a creep.

c) Rebecca counters with she thinks Jeff is romantic.

d) Gwen accidently calls Rebecca a pet name used by Jeff.

e) Gwen tells Rebecca not to let Jeff ruin her wedding.

Elevate: Make more extreme and add a surprise that creates additional conflct.

a) Gwen and Rebecca eat ice cream the night before the wedding.

b) Gwen talks about how Jeff is a creep.

c) Rebecca counters with she thinks Jeff is romantic.

d) Gwen accidently calls Rebecca a pet name used by Jeff.

e) Gwen takes her complements of Ken to an extreme – Rebecca, hearing this, realizes Gwen is in love with Ken but would never act on it.

f) Gwen tells Rebecca not to let anything ruin her wedding.

Revised Beats:

1. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY Amanda and Martin Cole rush to celebrate their anniversary on Thanksgiving Day 1987 in New York. Caught up in the parade, Amanda almost gets hit by a Snoopy balloon and is saved by Martin while the NBC broadcasters comment on the event.

2. INT. STARDUST DINER – DAY Amanda and Martin celebrate their tenth anniversary at the Stardust Diner where up and coming Broadway hopefuls sing show tunes between waiting on tables. Martin gives Amanda opening night tickets to Phantom of the Opera. Amanda speaks of soulmates while Martin gets a feeling of déjà vu from the used pocket watch she gives him. Amanda posits that it would be nice if they could meet in every life.

3. INT. MARTIN’S WORKPLACE – DAY Martin discusses reincarnation with his college buddy and co-worker David. David ribs Martin about his relationship with Amanda. They speculate on whether or not one could direct their souls in a future life.

4. INT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – DAY Amanda is at work at the Museum of Modern Art with her best friend Carol. They are putting together a display that features soulmates and twin flames and includes a painting entitled “Love of Souls.” They too speculate on soulmates. Amanda is sure Martin is her soulmate; Carol is sure that she missed her soulmate this life with her husband, Jack.

5. EXT. MINI GOLF COURSE – NIGHT Amanda and Martin are at a miniature golf course on date night. Most of the other patrons are demonstrating they are not soulmates. Martin tells Amanda he has engaged a psychiatrist to train them to recognize each other in future lives.

6. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY Martin and Amanda drive to New York from their suburban home. Along the way they pass the pawn shop where Amanda bought the anniversary present for Martin and signs for the opening of Phantom of the Opera. Martin drives poorly in the tunnel foreshadowing events to come.

7. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Martin and Amanda meet Dr. Volger who explains the training process and its eastern religion basis. Dr. Volger reveals he lost a soulmate which contributes to his work choice. Martin and Amanda agree to undergo the process.

8. INT. MARTIN’S WORKPLACE – DAY David kids Martin about being taken by the psychiatrist. Martin shows signs of being “sensitive.”

9. INT. GREENWICH VILLAGE CHURCH – DAY Dr. Volger meets Martin and Amanda at the Greenwich Village church where they were married. He informs them that training requires them to visit spots that were special in their relationship.

10. MONTAGE OF SPECIAL SPOTS TO MUSIC.

· Jersey Shore – splashing in the surf. Martin carries Amanda out of the water.

· Seaside Heights Boardwalk – Martin wins a stuffed blue bear for Amanda by putting a softball in a large jug. Amanda hugs the bear close to her.

· Central Park Lake – Martin and Amanda canoe on the lake.

· McSorley’s Old Ale House – Martin, two ales in hand, guards the door to the unisex bathroom while several desperate male patrons protest. Amanda comes out and Martin hands her an ale.

· Toyota Corolla at Night – Martin and Amanda in a clutch. Martin fixes her hair behind her ear.

· New York City Street Cart – Martin buys a New York pretzel and feeds Amanda.

· Bronx Zoo – Martin and Amanda ride an elephant.

· Madison Square Garden – Martin and Amanda enjoy a rock concert as the music concludes.

11. INT. COLE HOUSE – EVENING Martin and Amanda host a Christmas party with David and his wife, Margie and Carol and her husband, Jack. Couples discuss Dr. Volger’s latest requirement that the couple select totems that remind them of each other. Amanda reveals she chose the pocket watch since it has already been through multiple lives with them.

12. INT. COLE BEDROOM – NIGHT Later at night, Martin reveals his selection for Amanda – the stuffed bear he won for her.

13. INT. DR.VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Dr. Volger hypnotizes Martin and Amanda and trains them to meditate on their totems.

14. EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – DAY Amanda has coffee with Carol. Amanda is skeptical about the training process but doesn’t want to end it for Martin’s sake. A street gypsy comes to the table and warns them not to mess with destiny.

15. INT, COLE HOUSE – EVENING Martin and Amanda get ready to see Phantom of the Opera.

16. EXT. OUTSIDE MAJESTIC THEATER – NIGHT Martin and Amanda leave the theater after the Phantom. They playfully contemplate getting a room and staying in the city just as their car is delivered and they head home to Jersey as the snow is falling.

17. INT. LINCOLN TUNNEL – NIGHT Martin drives badly through the Lincoln Tunnel. The car gets into an accident and rolls over. Martin and Amanda are killed. (End of Act One)

18. EXT. NEW YORK CITY = NIGHT Establishing the jump to the future.

19. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Jeff Ash (Martin reincarnate) is approached by his best friend Matt to come out with him for a few beers. Jeff is reluctant but Matt insists.

20. INT. ADAM’S BAR – NIGHT Jeff and Matt at the bar. It is unusually full and packed mostly with women. Another group of women including Rebecca Diamond (Amanda Cole reincarnate) and her best friend and protector, Gwen, arrive. Rebecca is a bit tipsy and trips in front of Jeff. Jeff catches her but before they can really talk, Gwen calls Rebecca over – it’s her bachelorette party. Jeff is totally taken in by Rebecca – he must get to know her. Any move he was going to make is interrupted by the DJ who announces its ladies’ night, and an all-male review is about to start. To meet Rebecca, Jeff steels his nerves with more beer and ends up stripping for her. Gwen, seeing what’s happening cuts it off and moves Rebecca to the seat of honor for the male review.

21. INT. MATT’S APARTMENT – MORNING Jeff wakes up in Matt’s apartment with a hangover and tells Matt he has to find Rebecca.

22. EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – DAY At the same sidewalk café where Amanda and Carol discussed the future. Gwen shows Rebecca a YouTube video of Jeff dancing at her bachelorette party. Rebecca thinks it’s cute as it cuts to:

23. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Matt and other employees are watching the same YouTube video in the conference room as Jeff enters. Matt hurries to shut off the video. Jeff grabs the remote to see what was on as everyone else snickers and slinks out of the room. Jeff is about to shut off the video when Rebecca’s image lights up the screen.

24. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Jeff is searching the Internet to try to find the wedding venue for Rebecca.

25. INT. KEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT Rebecca discusses her bachelorette party with her wealthy fiancé, Ken. Ken gives her a painting for a wedding gift. It’s the “Love of Souls.”

26. INT. ICE HOCKEY RINK – NIGHT Jeff and Matt practice ice hockey. Jeff can’t focus. Matt agrees to help Jeff find Rebecca so she can tell Jeff to get lost.

27. INT. ADAM’S BAR – DAY Matt gets the receipt from the bachelorette party. To get the receipt, Matt promises the bartender that Jeff will dance at the next male review night. The party was paid for by Gwen. The address she left was for her law firm.

28. INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY Jeff goes to confront Gwen and ask to meet Rebecca. Gwen lashes out at Jeff praising Ken way more than necessary. Gwen slips out the fact that Rebecca is a lawyer and is in court getting a restraining order. Jeff finds out that Rebecca is a lawyer also and that she is in court.

29. INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY Jeff goes to the courthouse where Rebecca is obtaining a restraining order for one of her clients. The reasons cited are all things Jeff will attempt later. Jeff asks Rebecca to have a cup of coffee with him and she agrees.

30. EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – DAY Jeff tells Rebecca she is his soulmate. Rebecca tells Jeff that her soulmate is Ken and says goodbye.

31. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Matt tries to convince Jeff to give it up.

32. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY Jeff takes a walk to clear his head. He passes the Majestic Theater where Phantom of the Opera is still running and finds himself in front of the pawn shop. He is drawn in.

33. INT. PAWN SHOP – DAY Jeff sees the pocket watch (which had been returned to the pawn shop) and asks to see it. When he touches it:

34. FLASHBACK MONTAGE

· Broadway and 51^st Street – Martin and Amanda with Snoopy bearing down on them.

· Martin and Amanda in front of their fireplace.

· Greenwich Village Church as Martin and Amanda marry.

· Martin and Amanda making love. The stuffed bear totem staring down at them.

· Dr. Volger’s office. The bear is in Martin’s hand as he comes out of a trance. He looks up and sees Dr, Volger’s nameplate.

· Inside the Lincoln Tunnel in a car that is spinning, spinning.

35. INT. PAWN SHOP – DAY Jeff buys the pocket watch.

36. INT. DR. VOLGER;S OFFICE – DAY Jeff finds Dr. Volger, older but recognizable, and convinces Dr. Volger to regress him. After Jeff’s vision, Dr. Volger remembers Jeff as Martin. (Midpoint)

37. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Dr. Volger gives Jeff details on Martin and Amanda.

38. INT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – DAY Matt helps Jeff track down information on Martin and Amanda at the New York Public Library. A quirky librarian intermittently helps and hinders the research.

39. INT. COLE HOUSE – NIGHT Jeff and Matt go to New Jersey to speak to the new owners of the old Cole house. The new owners provide information on Amanda’s mother and Martin’s father in exchange for having Jeff and Matt do some of their chores.

40. INT. RETIREMENT HOME – DAY Jeff meets Amanda’s mother, Linda, now eighty-five and living in a retirement home. Linda has the stuffed bear totem and gives it to Jeff.

41. EXT. LAW OFFICE – DAY Jeff sees Rebecca and tries to get her to go see Amanda’s mother. She refuses and calls him a stalker. Jeff tries to get her to take and touch the bear totem. Rebecca grabs it and throws it in the street. On the phone, Matt has been imploring Jeff to get to the office for an important presentation.

42. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Jeff is looking for more from Dr. Volger. He learns the firm Martin worked for has moved to Jersey.

43. INT. DAVID’S OFFICE – DAY Jeff tricks his way in to meet David who is now CEO. Jeff tries to convince David that he is Martin reincarnated. David doesn’t initially believe him, but Jeff knows things that only Martin would know.

44. INT. RESTAURANT – DAY Over lunch, David agrees to meet Rebecca and suggests they bring Carol.

45. EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – DAY Jeff waits for Rebecca and gets her to meet David and Carol. No memories are triggered. Rebecca asks David to see to it that Jeff stops stalking her.

46. INT. KEN’S APARTMENT – DAY Rebecca asks Ken if he is her soulmate. Ken says she’s having pre-wedding jitters. Rebecca says she will spend the night before the wedding at Gwen’s apartment.

47. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Jeff has been fired. Matt consoles him. Time to move on.

48. INT. STANLEY COLE’S HOUSE – DAY Jeff visits Martin’s father Stanley and offers him the pocket watch. Stanley tells him to keep it and find his own Amanda.

49. INT. RETIREMENT HOME – DAY Jeff arrives at the retirement home to give the bear totem back to Linda and sees Rebecca coming out of Amanda’s mother’s room. Rebecca says she decided to see for herself, but meeting Amanda’s mother didn’t trigger any memories.

50. INT. RESTAURANT – DAY Matt tells Jeff he found out where the rehearsal is, and they can crash it if Jeff wants. Jeff laments that maybe Rebecca isn’t his soulmate; maybe Amanda wasn’t either. Matt says Rebecca is probably realizing she is Jeff’s soulmate right now and dumping Ken.

51. INT. KEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT Rebecca and Ken make fierce passionate love. Rebecca asks Ken if he’ll do something silly for her.

52. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Ken and Rebecca go to Dr. Volger’s office to see if they are soulmates. They talk while waiting for Dr, Volger and decide that this was not a good idea. They leave before Dr, Volger is available. Ken picks up one of Dr. Volger’s business cards.

53. INT. ADAM’S BAR – NIGHT Matt explains his theory of intersecting lives to Jeff based on Star Trek.

54. EXT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – NIGHT Ken has rented the Museum of Modern Art for the rehearsal dinner.

55. INT. ADAM’S BAR – NIGHT Back at the bar where he met Rebecca, a series of women are introduced to Jeff by Matt hoping to take his mind off Rebecca. Every time Jeff shakes a woman’s hand, Matt wants to know if there is recognition. One of the women is Sally, who Jeff quickly dismisses. As Jeff leaves the bar, he runs into Sally. Sally invites Jeff to her place for a coffee.

56. INT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – NIGHT Rehearsal dinner in full swing at the museum with toasts to soulmates.

57. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT At Sally’s apartment, Sally and Jeff discuss reincarnation and the possibility of breaking up Rebecca and Ken. When Jeff says that won’t happen, Sally offers herself as a friend and says she’s been drawn to Jeff. Sally goes into how she believes she lived before and died in some sort of accident. This confuses Jeff and he leaves to get some air, promising to come back.

58. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT Jeff wanders finding himself ultimately in front of the:

59. EXT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – NIGHT Museum of Modern Art where the wedding party is leaving the museum. Rebecca walks toward Jeff, but Ken confronts him first. Rebecca stops him. Jeff apologizes to Rebecca and tells her that if she is his soulmate, he just wants her to be happy. (End of Act Two)

60. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT Jeff returns to Sally’s apartment. There are still no sparks or recognition, but he ponders. Maybe his pursuit of Rebecca was supposed to lead to Sally.

61. INT. GWEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT After the rehearsal dinner, Gwen and Rebecca eat from Ben and Jerry tubs. Gwen says Jeff was creepy, but Rebecca says he was kind of romantic. Gwen calls Rebecca by a pet name Jeff called her. Gwen carries on about how wonderful Ken is. Rebecca realizes Gwen loves Ken.

62. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING Jeff wakes up at Sally’s apartment after falling asleep on the sofa). Jeff fumbles through the kitchen to find coffee supplies and finds a pile of 3 x 5 index cards. The cards contain information about Martin and Amanda. Sally confesses she was paid five thousand dollars to convince Jeff that she, not Rebecca, was his soulmate. Jeff is convinced this type of money came from Ken Rivers. Sally makes one last effort to say maybe everything that happened was in a round about way meant to get them to meet. Jeff is convinced he must get Rebecca back.

63. EXT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING Jeff wakes up Matt to help him find the wedding.

64. INT. GREENWICH VILLAGE CHURCH – MORNING Jeff arrives at the church with Matt but is told the wedding was moved at the last minute. When questioned, the priest says an older gentleman donated a sizable sum and that the new location was a secret. The priest describes the man – it is Dr. Volger.

65. INT. DR. VOLGER’S HOME OFFICE – MORNING Jeff confronts Dr. Volger who confesses that Ken offered to fund his research if he provided information on Martin and Amanda Cole and promised not to reveal the location of the wedding. Dr. Volger will not go back on his word to Ken. Jeff convinces Dr.Volger it would be ethical if he hypnotized and progressed Jeff forward in this life so that he could see the location without being told. Dr, Volger agrees.

66. MONTAGE OF IMAGES Flashforward visions. Jeff sees the church in his vision. Ken is in the vision, and he tells Jeff he will be too late to stop the wedding.

67. INT. LIMO – DAY Rebecca and Gwen are in a limo approaching the church. They are blocked by the Thanksgiving Day parade. Rebecca and Gwen get out of the limo to walk the rest of the way.

68. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY Rebecca and Gwen get to the intersection. As the balloons go by, Rebecca sees a modern balloon morph into those from twenty-five years earlier. She starts to step off the curb as a Snoopy balloon barrels towards her. Gwen’s tug brings her back to reality.

69. INT. MATT’S CAR – DAY Matt drives as he and Jeff head into the City.

70. EXT. MATT’S CAR – DAY Matt and Jeff rush through traffic toward the parade route.

71. EXT. MATT’S CAR – DAY Jeff jumps out of the car and heads to the church on foot.

72. INT. MIDTOWN CHURCH – DAY Jeff arrives at the church. The wedding is in progress. Jeff shouts to stop the wedding. The bride and groom turn around to face him. It’s Ken and Gwen.

73. EXT. MIDTOWN CHURCH – DAY Jeff talks with Gwen. Rebecca realized Ken wasn’t her soulmate at the last minute and called off the wedding.

74. EXT. MATT’S CAR – DAY Matt asks Jeff what he plans to do. Jeff says he’ll give Rebecca some space so she can come to her own conclusion about being his soulmate.

75. INT. STARDUST DINER – DAY Jeff sits at the table Martin and Amanda used to celebrate their anniversary twenty-five years ago. Jeff picks up the menu and hears a voice. It is Rebecca saying a line uttered by Martin from that day twenty -five years ago. Jeff gets up and Rebecca says she remembers.

76. EXT. STARDUST DINER – DAY Snoopy floats by as the reunited soulmates kiss. Snoopy appears to be smiling.

[Mary Emmick]

Mary Emmick – Day 8: Elevated Story Beats

What I learned from doing this assignment is the importance of rereading the script and the beats again and to look for dull sections that need improvement or scenes that need to be elevated. Every scene needs to entertain in some way. Don’t protect dull scenes!

Title: Don’t Look Away Isabel

Logline: A small town teen’s conservative values are challenged when she is faced with injustice and disinformation in the time of COVID-19.

Genre: Coming-of-Age Romantic Drama

Example 1:

INT. ST. PATRICK’s CHURCH – AFTERNOON

It is during the time of COVID-19 and few people are wearing masks in the church. The wedding

Ceremony takes place.

Purpose of improving this scene:

Before there was only the wedding scene. Adding to the wedding scene allowed us to be introduced to the protagonist, antagonist, and some other important characters. This scene was somewhat generic so I added these additional scenes:

INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – WOMEN’S DRESSING ROOM – AFTERNOON

Isabel Zuccotti is helping her sister Marjorie get dressed for her wedding. Marjorie is bossing

Isabel around and asks Isabel to peek into the church to see if her parents had arrived and if Nathan

Dad had arrived. Nathan’s dad is Senator Ted Cramer and his date Sally Jo Wilson are being

Escorted up the aisle. Sally Jo is dressed in a white sparkly mini suit with a plunging neckline and

she wears six-inch heels. Gossip ensues among the congregation.

INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – MEN’S DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME

Tyler Cramer as best man helps his brother Nathan Cramer get ready for the wedding.

Example 2:

INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FAMILY ROOM – NIGHT

After the wedding Tom, Debby and Isabel are relaxing in the family room and watching Fox News

which is saying that COVID-19 is a hoax and vaccine mandates are unnecessary. Tom and Debby

feel good that the wedding went well and that they could afford the wedding. They are grateful that Senator Ted Cramer is paying for the newlyweds’ honeymoon to Hawaii.

Purpose of improving this scene:

After the wedding the family discuss the wedding, but instead of Isabel just going to bed I decided we need to know a little more about her so included her in her bedroom.

INT. ISABEL’S BEDROOM – LATER

Isabel is in her bed reading her history book for class and then picks up Jane Eyre and reads till midnight. We hear alarm ring at 6:30 a.m. and she shuts if off. Next thing her mom is telling her it’s 8:15 and she needs to get up for church.

Example 3:

EXT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – NIGHT
Nathan and Tyler Cramer drive up to Gonzalez’s campaign office and throw rocks at the door.

Purpose of improving this scene.

The scene needed more description and action of what happened.

EXT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – NIGHT

Nathan and Tyler Cramer drive up to Gonzalez’s campaign office and throw rocks at the glass door. They place the mason jar explosives in through the broken glass door of the office, run back to their car, hear the EXPLOSIONS, and then drive away laughing.

Don’t Look Away Isabel

Logline: A small town teen’s conservative values are challenged when she is faced with injustice and disinformation in the time of COVID-19.

Genre: Coming-of-Age Romantic Drama

1.AERIAL SHOT – WALLA WALLA LANDSCAPE – MID MORNING

View of colorful hot air balloons floating in the distance over the farmlands, river and town.

2. EXT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH ESTABLISHING SHOT

A brick gothic church located down town, it was dedicated in 1881.

3.INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – WOMEN’S DRESSING ROOM – AFTERNOON

Isabel Zuccotti is helping her sister Marjorie get dressed for her wedding. Marjorie is bossing

Isabel around and asks Isabel to peek into the church to see if her parents had arrived and if Nathan

Dad had arrived. Nathan’s dad is Senator Ted Cramer and his date Sally Jo Wilson are being

Escorted up the aisle. Sally Jo is dressed in a white sparkly mini suit with a plunging neckline and

she wears six-inch heels. Gossip ensues among the congregation.

4. INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – MEN’S DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME

Tyler Cramer as best man helps his brother Nathan Cramer get ready for the wedding.

5. INT. ST. PATRICK’s CHURCH – LATER

It is during the time of COVID-19 and few people are wearing masks in the church. The wedding

Ceremony takes place.

6. EXT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – STEPS – LATER

After the wedding we hear Tyler and Isabel talking about what a beautiful wedding it was and how

They would like a similar wedding in a few years. We meet Isabel’s parents, Tom and Debby

Zuccotti. A photographer snaps photos of the bride and groom and Marjorie insists the

photographer get a close up shot on her ginormous diamond ring.

7. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – AFTERNOON

Tyler is rude to staff Victor Sanchez who brings wine out to the tables. Isabel sees his behavior,

but looks away. Except for the staff, very few of the guests wear masks.

8. INT. SENATOR CRAMER’S OFFICE – SAME TIME

Senator Ted Cramer comes late to the reception as he needs to finish some business. Sally Jo

Wilson is with him, when Tyler calls to ask if he’s coming. We see the senator write a check for

$15,000 to give Nathan for the honeymoon.

9. INT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – LATER

Senator Ted Cramer and Sally Jo chat with Tyler and Isabel at the reception and Ted asks Isabel

about her future plans, etc. She plans to attend WSU for a few years and then settle down and

marry Tyler.

10. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – EVENING

Tyler and Isabel dance together at the wedding and talk about their own wedding plans.

11. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FAMILY ROOM – NIGHT

After the wedding Tom, Debby and Isabel are relaxing in the family room and watching Fox News

which is saying that COVID-19 is a hoax and vaccine mandates are unnecessary. Tom and Debby

feel good that the wedding went well and that they could afford the wedding. They are grateful that Senator Ted Cramer is paying for the newlyweds’ honeymoon to Hawaii.

12. INT. ISABEL’S BEDROOM – LATER

Isabel is in her bed reading her history book for class and then picks up Jane Eyre and reads till midnight. We hear alarm ring at 6:30 a.m. and she shuts if off. Next thing her mom is telling her it’s 8:15 and she needs to get up for church.

13. INT. WALLA WALLA HIGH SCHOOL – HISTORY CLASS – DAY

Her teacher, Mrs. Amy Andrews teaches a class on the Civil Rights era. Isabel looks bored as discussion continues about inequality among some Americans.

14. HALLWAY LATER

After class Tyler asks Isabel to go with him to the drag race Saturday. She accepts. They stand in front of the library where a book fair is taking place. A black student, Jerry McCutcheon, walks out of the library wit a few books he has purchased. Tyler approaches him suspiciously and asks him if he bought the books.

15. INT. GOLDEN HARVEST DINER – MID MORNING

Tom Zuccotti who is a wheat farmer sits in a booth with farmers Sam and Russ. The talk farm business and the conversation changes to discussion of Ivermectin. Tom wants to buy some.

16. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FAMILY ROOM – NIGHT

Tom and Debby are watching Fox News and discuss Ivermectin. Debby, an elementary teacher assistant, is irate that young children are required to wear masks at school and she plans to protest at a local school board meeting.

17. EXT. GRANGE FARM SUPPLY – MORNING

Tom purchases some Ivermectin.

18. INT. WALLA WALLA SCHOOL ADMIN BUILDING – EARLY EVENING

Debby attends school board meeting and protests mask mandates with other locals who are protesting. A ruckus occurs and the meeting needs to be postponed and held later on Zoom.

19. EXT. PARK STREET – LATER

Debby and the other protesters take their signs and march down Park Street for all passing cars to see. A reporter from the local press interviews Debby.

20. EXT. ISABEL’S HOME – MORNING

Tyler picks Isabel up in his red Camaro for the race.

21. EXT. WALLA WALLA DRAG STRIP – LATER

Isabel brings her history book and reads it on the bleachers. Tyler is annoyed Isabel is not very enthusiastic about cheering him on and he flirts with Tiffany who works as a receptionist for his dad, Senator Ted Cramer.

22. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Isabel works on her laptop at home on some letters for Senator Cramer as she volunteers for his reelection campaign for state senate.

23. INT. SENATOR TED CRAMER’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON

Isabel rings the campaign letters to Sen. Cramer’s office. She opens the office door and finds Tyler kissing Tiffany. Isabel rips up the letters and throws them on the floor. She tells Tyler, “We’re through!” and leaves slamming the door behind her.

24. INT. SENATOR TED CRAMER’S OFFICE – MORNING

Isabel returns to the senator’s office to pick up a box of her supplies. She overhears two attorneys talking with Ted about a campaign finance scandal. She tells Tiffany to tell Ted that she quits.

25.INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – LIVING ROOM – LATER

Isabel pounds the keys on the piano as she plays “Etude” by Cornelius Gurlitt and stomps up to her room and bangs shut her door.

26. KITCHEN – SAME TIME

Tom and Debby overhear this and wonder what’s wrong.

27. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Isabel is face down on her bed sobbing.

28. INT. WALLA WALLA HIGH SCHOOL – HISTORY CLASS – DAY

Mrs. Amy Andrews teaches a lesson on the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Isabel listens more intently than last week. They discuss voter suppression. Isabel asks Jackie McCutcheon, a black gal, what book is on her desk. It is Caste by Isabel Wilkerson. Jackie invites her to a book discussion her mom leads and offers Isabel the book.

29. HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER

Isabel and Tyler see each other in the hall and don’t look at each other.

30.INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON

Isabel lying on her side on here bed reading Caste. Her voice read a few pages (V.O.) from the story “The Man in the Crowd,” about a famous photograph from the era of the Third Reich. All in the photo are heiling in unison to the Fuhrer except for one man who refuses to salute.

31. KITCHEN – LATER

Isabel helps her mom make dinner. Her mom shares that Marjorie and Nathan are coming for dinner the following night. Debby asks about Tyler and Isabel tells her that they are through.

32. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING

Marjorie and Nathan are over for dinner. Tom asks Nathan how the job is going at the insurance company. Nathan says he is looking forward to a big raise and that they are planning to buy a new home son.

33. INT. CITY COUNCIL MEETING – EVENING

Tom attends and Isabel tags along as part of a civic engagement assignment for her history class. Senator Ted Cramer is there and refuses to wear a mask and causes a scene. City Council member Maria Gonzalez walks out of the meeting. The meeting is adjourned and rescheduled.

34. LOBBY – LATER

Isabel approaches Maria Gonzalez and tells her she supports her firm action. Maria Gonzalez is running against Ted Cramer for state senate and Isabel volunteers to help with her campaign.

35. INT. TOWNHALL MEETING – EVENING

Isabel attends meeting where Maria Gonzalez is to speak about farm worker rights. She meets Victor Gonzalez who volunteers for Gonzalez’s campaign. Victor invites her to canvass with him for the campaign.

36. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Isabel plays “Adagio’ by Daniel Steibelt on the piano and walks up the stairs dreamily to her room. She likes Victor.

37. EXT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – PATIO – AFTERNOON

Reading Caste, Isabel tries to share what the book is about to her mom who is not interested in that type of book.

38. INT. McCUTCHEON HOME – EVENING

Isabel attends book discussion at Jackie’s home. Her mom Barbara leads the discussion. Barbara works in education and rehabilitation of prisoners at Walla Walla State Prison. Jackie shares that she plans to attend U.W., then law school, and work in criminal justice reform.

39. McCUTCHEON HOME – LATER

After book discussion, Jerry, Jackie’s brother comes out of his room to say hello to the girls. He recognizes that she hangs around with Tyler Cramer. Isabel tells him they broke up and that he is a jerk. Jerry agrees.

40. EXT. ELM STREET – AFTERNOON

Victor and Isabel canvass for Maria’s campaign together. She discovers he is enrolled in the Enology and Viticulture School. He invites her to Rolling Hills Winery for a fundraising event for Maria Gonzalez. His dad owns Rolling Hills winery.

41. EXT. BARN – AFTERNOON

Nathan and Tyler Cramer attend a Proud Men’s meeting. The brothers now sport scruffy beards.

42. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING

Isabel eats breakfast and her dad makes a fruit smoothie for himself and Debby because she is not feeling well. He puts Ivermectin in the drinks. Isabel tells him that it is not safe and is for farm animals.

43. PARENT’S BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Isabel asks how her mom is doing. Her mom tells her she feels awful and then falls asleep. Isabel takes the untouched smoothie with her to dispose of.

44. FAMILY ROOM – EVENING

Tom and Debby watch Fox News. Isabel sees her mom and tells her that they should go to the hospital because it is likely she has COVID.

45. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – EXAM ROOM – EVENING

R.N. Alonso Garcia tells them that Debby has COVID and is having difficulty breathing and will be transferred to the ICU.

46. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – LATER

Isabel calls Jackie and asks her to bring her school books because her mother has COVID and she needs to quarantine for ten days. Jackie tells her she’ll bring all of her books because there is a COVID outbreak at school and the rest of the year will be on Zoom.

47. EXT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FRONT PORCH – AFTERNOON

Jackie brings her books and tells Isabel that graduation will be held at the drag strip.

48. KITCHEN – LATER

Tom gets a phone call from R.N. Alonso who tells him Debby will need to be intubated.

49. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – ICU UNIT – EVENING

Debby is at the hospital being intubated.

50. NURSING STATION – SAME TIME

A hospital leader gives the nurses some wipes to clean their faces before putting on the N95 masks so they can be reused.

51. HOSPITAL LOBBY – SAME TIME

An unvaxxed maskless patient coughs and refuses to wear a mask.

52. INT. SUPER 1 FOODS – DAY

Isabel is at the grocery store with her dad and suddenly she notices she can’t see out of her left eye.

53. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING

Isabel calls the eye doctor and makes an appointment.

54. INT. EYE DOCTOR OFFICE – MORNING

Eye doctor examines Isabel and tells her she has had a retinal detachment and will need surgery.

55. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER -OPHTHALMOLOGY EXAM ROOM – MORNING

Isabel meets with Dr. Michelle Carlson, an ophthalmologist who explains the procedure. An appointment for surgery is made.

56. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – POST OP ROOM – DAY

Surgery is finished. Isabel has a metal oval eye shield taped onto her left eye.

57. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON

Isabel lies face down on her bed. She listens to audio book Caste about the local lynching tree in a southern American town.

Her sister Marjorie brings Isabel a tray with a sandwich, a pot of hot tea and some flowers that Victor sent. Isabel lacks depth perception and pour tea all over the tray. Marjorie shares her worries about socialism and communism in the country and the black lives matter threat. She shares that Nathan was passed over for a job that a Mexican got.

Isabel composes lyrics to song she writes called “Look Away.” Victor calls to chat.

58. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – EVENING

Debby is hooked up to a ventilator at the hospital.

59. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – LIVING ROOM – MORNING

Isabel sits at the piano and plays her song “Look Away.” Her dad shares with her how difficult it has been having Debby away, but that she will soon be home.

60. EXT. WALLA WALLA DRAG STRIP – EVENING

Graduation is held at the drag strip.

INT. ZUCCOTTI CAR – SAME TIME

Tom and Debby sit in the front and Isabel and Marjorie sit in the back during graduation. They discuss the ceremony and the memory of football coach Stan Petrovich who recently died of COVID.

INT. CRAMER CAR – SAME TIME

Ted Cramer discusses his campaign strategy with Tyler and Nathan. They think up a plan to steal Maria Gonzalez’s campaign signs.

61. EXT. WALLA WALLA STREETS – DAWN

Tyler and Nathan steal Maria Gonzalez’s signs around town.

62. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – VINEYARD

Tyler and Nathan steal a sign out near Rolling Hills Winery. Victor is up early working in the vineyard and takes a video of them in action. He calls Maria Gonzalez and alerts her to the thefts and sends a video of this to her and to the police.

63. EXT. ZUCCOTTI FIELD – MORNING

Tom is teaching Isabel how to ride the tractor with the disker attached.

64. INT. McCUTCHEON HOME – LIVING ROOM – EVENING

They meet for the book discussion and share with each other how a caste system holds everyone in a fixed place.

65. EXT. MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA – TOWN PARK – AFTERNOON, 1930 [FLASHBACK]

Barbara shares the story of how her Grandpa Henry was lynched in Mississippi after being falsely accused of arson.

66. EXT. DOWNTOWN – NIGHT

After the book discussion, Isabel follows Jackie and Jerry as they plan to meet up for burgers. A police car pulls Jerry over for being black. Isabel takes a video of the exchange.

67. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Angry at what the police did to her friends, Isabel reports the incident to the police.

68. LIVING ROOM – LATER

Isabel sits at the piano and plays and sings her song about injustice, “Look Away.”

69. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – AFTERNOON

Isabel attends the fundraiser for Maria Gonzalez. She visits with her history teacher, Mrs. Amy Andrews. She meets Victor’s dad and mom. Maria Gonzalez gives a talk. Victor shows her around the winery and then takes her out to look at the view from the terrace. They almost kiss, but are interrupted by an employee who announces that it is time for photographs.

70. EXT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – NIGHT

Nathan and Tyler Cramer drive up to Gonzalez’s campaign office and throw rocks at the glass door. They toss their mason jar explosives into the broken glass door of the office, run back to their car, hear the EXPLOSIONS, and then drive away laughing.

71. EXT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – PATIO – AFTERNOON

Isabel sees smoke in their wheat fields. Tom calls the fire department but no truck is available because of other local fires.

72. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – SAME TIME

Isabel calls Victor who says he will round up some water trucks from local farmers he knows.

73. EXT. ZUCCOTTI FIELD – LATER

Water trucks arrive. Isabel has an idea and drives the tractor with the disker attached and makes a fire break.

A flame catches on the back of the tractor and she uses a fire extinguisher to put it out. She jumps back on the tractor and finishes the job. The water trucks also work to put out the fire and fire truck from town finally arrives and soaks the area.

74. INT. SENATOR TED CRAMER’S OFFICE – DAY

Ted meets with his sons Tyler and Nathan to discuss strategies to beat Maria Gonzalez. They want to get back at Victor who they found out turned in to the police a video of the boys stealing a campaign sign. Senator Cramer makes a call to ICE.

75. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – VINEYARD – MORNING

Victor is arrested by ICE officers because they claim he does not have his paperwork. They handcuff him and drive away with him.

76. EXT. SANCHEZ HOME – LATER

The other farm workers go over to Ray Sanchez and tell him what happened to his son Victor.

77. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – LATER

Maria Gonzalez calls Isabel and tells her that Victor was arrested by ICE.

78. INT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – LATER

Ray and Isabel meet Maria. They discuss who might have targeted Victor. They have a hunch it was Ted Cramer and his sons.

79. INT. UNMARKED WHITE VAN – NIGHT

Victor sits in back of GEO transport vehicle.

80. EXT. NORTHWEST ICE PROCESSING CENTER – PARKING LOT – MORNING

Transport vehicle pulls up into parking lot and stops. Victor is escorted into building.

81. INT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – DAY

Maria calls a friend she knows from law school days, Carmen Martinez.

82. EXT. ZUCCOTTI FIELD – DAY

Isabel and her dad are in the wheat field. Isabel is broken hearted. Tom tells her that when he finds out who did this to Victor there will be hell to pay.

83. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – MORNING

Tom sits in a doctor office and a nurse is giving him the vaccine.

84. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – LIVING ROOM – LATER

Isabel is at the piano and she plays and sings her song, “Look Away,” Before she can finish tears stream down her face.

85. INT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – MORNING

Isabel and Ray meet with Maria. Her friend Carmen Martinez who works at the Attorney General’s office in Olympia has been able to have Victor released.

86. EXT. DOWNTOWN – DAY

Tom is helping place campaign signs for Gonzales around town.

87. EXT. MAIN STREET – DAY

A Greyhound bus pulls up. Victor descends the stairs and sees Isabel. They embrace.

88. INT. SENATOR TED CRAMER’S OFFICE – DAY Two police officers arrests Ted for the illegal ICE set up of Victor as well as for multiple campaign finance charges.

89. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Tyler and Nathan are being arrested.

90. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING

Tom is reading the Union-Bulletin newspaper and shares with Debby and Isabel the story of the Cramer’s arrests.

91. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – OPTHAMOLOGY EXAM ROOM – MORNING

Isabel is being examined by Dr. Michelle Carlson who tells her that her sight is improving.

92. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FAMILY ROOM- AFTERNOON

Isabel receives an envelope. She opens it and reads that she has been accepted at U.W.

93. INT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – AFTERNOON

Ray Sanchez has invited Victor, Maria Gonzales, and Isabel where he thanks Maria for helping free Victor. They promise to continue to support her campaign. Her election chances look excellent. Isabel plays her song “Look Away” for them on the piano.

94. INT. McCUTCHEON HOME – LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Isabel attends book discussion. They plan to read The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander next. They are invited to join in with Zoom from their college dorms to continue book discussions.

95. EXT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – MORNING

Victor stops by to pick up Isabel for a date. Tom thanks him for helping him put out the fire.

96. EXT. HOT AIR BALLOON PARK – LATER

Victor and Isabel rise up into the sky in a colorful hot air balloon. She is looking out at the amazing view. Victor says to her, “Don’t look away Isabel.” Smiling, she turns around. They embrace and kiss.

[Joan Edwards]

Subject: Joan Edwards’ Elevated Story Beats (In the first line) I welcome your comments.

“What I learned
doing this assignment is when you think you can, you can.

To improve, I added two beats and improved Beat 12.

Beat 2A Added scene with Fred going to doctor before going to dance. Thought it would help set the stage for his getting paranoid about getting old.

Beat 12 Scene Added egg throwing and people bringing their dogs around his car to scare him. He finally gets away and parks at Forever Realty Gated Parking Lot.

Beat 14A Added scene

One with Marvin telling Alicia about King’s Renovations and explaining their come-ons at the dance. Show Marvin liking Margery. Helps her with finding way to fix up salon.

Thought about changing the time of Dr. Bill’s show to morning and decided against it.

Here is the changed beat sheet.

“Will Fred be able to restore his marriage as The Perfect Couple when even his Mother disowns him when he serves his wife divorce papers on Dr. Bill’s Show on National Television on Valentine’s Day?”

INT. ROOSEVELT HOTEL, LIND DANCE HALL-FRIDAY LESSONS-NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, January 04, 2008

1. Montage

-Overview of Los Angeles, California, Recession January, 2008.

-Many “For Sale” Signs

-Newspaper clipping (Economy Sucks, January 13, 2008,

-Allure Hair Salon

-Close up of young man with lots of hair and really old man with bald head

-Giant mailbox says SILVERTON on the rich side of town. Trees, shrubs, flowers, lavish and spacious ranch-style home with a swimming pool and a two-car garage.

2A Fred Silverton goes to Dr. Bennett’s office. Dr. tells Fred he has heart problems and needs to exercise. Heart problems come about many times when people get old. Fred thinks I’m getting old. I’m going to die.

2B. Follow FRED SILVERTON drives he and his wife, ALICIA SILVERTON in his company car with Forever Realty sign on door to dance lessons at the Lind Ballroom Dance Studio in the Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Blvd.

Fred’s business car with Forever Realty, Los Angeles, CA sign on the side.

Montage

3. INT Roosevelt Hotel, Lind Ballroom Dance Studio

Fred and Alicia dance the tango. They leave dance floor. Fred coughs, pants, and pulls his tie loose.

Marvin dances with Alicia and makes fun of Fred and says he can’t win The Perfect Couple because he’s too old. announced on Valentine’s Day on Dr. Bill’s Show. Alicia says that Marvin is a barber. Fred says he’s a barber, too. Alicia says Be serious. Seeing Alicia enjoy being with Marvin makes Fred sick and he asks Susanna and Jake to take Alicia home for him.

4. INT. FRED AND ALICIA’S HOME – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, January 5, 2008

Fred shares the money problem with Alicia. She complains because he’s not doing his half. Asks how she is supposed to pay her rent and buy new equipment for her salon? He states you don’t love me any more, do you? She ignores him. Alicia says a barber would help pay the rent. When Fred offers to be the barber, she says he is too old.

5. INT. THOMSON’S GYM – NIGHT

Fred tries to outdo Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel at all the exercise machines. Joe Thomson, owner tells him to take it easy. Fred says I gotta keep up with the guys to prove I’m better than this guy Marvin that Alicia’s hired as a barber. The doctor said to lose a little of his pudgy belly. Joe said the doctor didn’t tell you to kill yourself. No more contests or I’ll kick you out. Fred tries to outdo the boys again. Joe says, I warned you. Fred says, “Don’t worry. Your insurance is safe. I won’t die on you. I’m outta here.”

.

6. INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, January 12, 2008

Fred uses Aunt Polly’s Hair Growth Formula on his hair. On the front cover is a picture of a handsome young man with slick hair, every strand of hair in its place. A beautiful woman on the box cover is standing close to the handsome man. Fred notices his hair is standing on end like he’s been shocked and almost all of his hair falls out when he dries it with a towel. Gets his father’s old toupee and puts it on. Also notices his father’s obituary. Notices he died at 45 years old. Realizes he is the same age as his father was when he died. Can’t sleep. Gets cell phone and calls Dan.

7. INT. TENNICO’S BAR – NIGHT

Dan pays three girls $50.00 each to stick close to him, sit around him and pretend that he is God’s Gift to the World. Fred asks to speak to Dan alone. Dan refuses, Alicia’s hired a young barber. She says I’m too old. Dan suggests a divorce and gives him his lawyer’s business card.

Pack your bags so you’ll be out when they serve the divorce papers. you can stay with me while you’re waiting for your divorce to become final.

8. INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, January 14, 2008

Fred goes to office of Adam Finkelstein, divorce lawyer. Outside the window workmen are using loud jackhammers. $435.00, includes court petition and summons for dissolution of the marriage.

Jackhammer noise keeps Adam from hearing Fred and makes the serve date, on or after February 14. Fred reads the papers and doesn’t notice wrong date. Adam promises he’ll notify Fred 3 days before her serves papers to Alicia.

9. INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, February 8, 2008

Adam calls process server Rick.

Fred Silverton wants these divorce papers served to his wife on or after February 14. Call me 3 days before you serve her. Can’t guarantee 3 days warning, but I’ll call before I serve.

10. INT. TELEVISION STUDIOS

SUPERIMPOSE: February 14, 2008

Fred and Alicia, Jake and Susanna are in Dr. Bill’s studio for the announcement of The Perfect Couple. Fred receives cell phone call telling him that Alicia is going to be served the divorce papers in five minutes. Dr. Bill announces Fred and Alicia as the winners. Rick Nance serves Alicia the divorce papers. Judges says they’ll wait 60 days. If their divorce goes through, the judges say that the prizes will go Susanna and Jake, as runners up.

11. EXT. MEDIA WORLD – NIGHT

BEGIN MONTAGE

-Fred Silverton dumps wife, Alicia on national tv.

-Marquees light up. Fred Silverman dumps Alicia on Valentine’s Day on national tv.

-Fred Silverman should write e-book entitled “How to Kill a Relationship Fast, serve divorce papers on Valentine’s Day.

-Facebook: Take your wife by surprise: divorce her on Valentine’s Day.

-Twitter: Old Rat serves divorce papers to young wife on Valentine’s Day.

-Talk Radio Show: Real estate salesman serves divorce papers on Valentine’s Day. I wonder what the closing costs will be for that deal.

-Amber Alerts. Scumbag serves wife divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on National TV.

-Cell phones messages and photos.

-New York Time Square Ticker Tape Sign: Heartless man serves wife divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on Dr. Bill’s Show

-Meico Commercial: Was this bad karma or what? Los Angeles Man serves divorce papers to his wife on GUESS WHAT DAY IT WAS? Valentine’s Day. No hump for you, big guy.

END MONTAGE

12. INT. FRED’S COMPANY CAR – NIGHT

Fred sits in his company car listening to the radio. His cell phone rings off the hook. He turns it off. Fred thinks that no one understands that Alicia and I are embers in a dying fire.

People make fun of him…throw eggs at his car…pin effigies of his throwing him to the dogs. Fred is afraid of dogs. They bring dogs to surround his car and bark at him. He goes to parking lot of Forever Realty…and turns out the lights. They have a secure parking lot.

13. INT. Jake’s Restaurant – Morning

SUPERIMPOSE: Friday, February 15, 2008

Jake says You used to be so happy. That’s why we nominated you for The Perfect Couple. Fred says Alicia doesn’t love me. She hired a hot shot barber. She wouldn’t hire me. I’m too old. Susanna points out that he could live to be seventy like his mother. Fred says home sales are down. Alicia says I don’t make enough money. Jake offers him part-time work in his restaurant.

14. INT. ALLURE HAIR SALON – AFTERNOON

Margery, salon helper, says Fred’ll come back. Alicia says she didn’t know he was unhappy. We were the perfect couple. Margery suggests Alicia get a new project that she can do on her own. I know I’ll redesign the salon and rename it ALLURE HAIR STYLES FOR THE STARS. I’ll use the money in our joint savings account. I’ll teach Fred Silverman to divorce me. I’ll even use Fred’s opponent realtor Remington Home Sales. When times are tough, you take chances, especially, if it’s someone else’s money.

14A ADD Scene Remington Home Sales representative comes and takes her to places she could use for a salon. She realizes the price tag is more than they have in their savings account. Comes back to Salon. Marvin tells her about Renovation King Contractors. She tells Marvin she was just trying to make Fred jealous. Marvin says I was just trying to get this job working with you. We’re even.

15. INT. ALLURE HAIR SALON – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: Saturday, February 16, 2008

Renovation King Contractors representative tells Alicia she can reorganize the space you have more efficiently and have room for barber chair, too. Add a center row of comfortable chairs where people can sit and sip on wine or other beverage while waiting for appointments or socialize afterwards. Alicia will get a license to serve wine. Representative texts Alicia pictures of his remodel designs for other major salons in Los Angeles and will bring his designs for her salon on Monday.

16. INT. TENNECO’S BAR – NIGHT

Fred wears a fancy suit and hat. Money sticking out of his pockets. Dream Sequence: he goes in and the girls are all over him. Saying he is hot. In real life when he goes into Tenneco’s It doesn’t happen that way at all. The Girls hit him and call him every name in the book for serving Alicia divorce papers on Valentine’s Day on National TV. He’s so hot, they pour a pitcher of ice water down his shirt.

17 INT. THOMSON’S GYM – NIGHT

Fred wearing stylish gym clothes, on the lookout for dames, Fred swaggers into the gym. Walks with a lilt and feels great. Carlos, Reggie, and Miguel give him the cold treatment and move away from him no matter where he goes. Fred loses his temper and rants and raves. He asks does anyone care? He leaves

18. EXT. Fred’s Car

Peels off and heads to Dan’s apartment.

19. EXT. OUTSIDE DAN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Fred parks his company car and rolls his suitcase up the sidewalk to Dan’s apartment building, up the long staircase to Dan’s Apt 2A Dan tells Fred to go away. Fred says you promised I could stay with you. Dan says that was before you divorced your wife on National TV on Valentine’s Day. Fred states they were not supposed to serve her until the 15^th. Dan says that doesn’t make it better. You’re not my friend, any more. Go. Fred says, “Fine. I’ll stay with Mother. She loves me.”

20. Montage

INT. FRED’S COMPANY CAR – NIGHT

Fred sleeps in the car as his Mother’s already in bed.

21. EXT. EXPENSIVE HOME FOR SALE – DAY (DREAM SEQUENCE) SUPERIMPOSE: Sunday, February 17, 2008

BEGIN DREAM MONTAGE

-People are lined up at the office to get an appointment with him to buy a house.

-Ten closings with different people who sign closing papers. -images of Fred getting money from ten different clients each time adding money to his pockets. Two shirt pockets. Two side pockets on his trousers. Four inside pockets on his suit jacket. And two outside pockets of his jacket.

-Show Fred with money dangling from every pocket.

22. INT Forever Realty

Kaufman of Forever Realty fires Fred because of what he did to Alicia on tv..

He tells Fred to leave the car and the keys in it.

Fred asks if he’d drop him off at his Mother’s house. Kaufmann says take the bus.

23. INT. CYNTHIA SILVERMAN’S HOUSE – DAY

Fred’s mother, Cynthia Silverman disowns Fred and takes him out of her will. Shows him the papers. She pushes him out the door and throws his suitcase and briefcase out the front door.

24. EXT. FRED’S MOTHER’S HOUSE – DAY

Fred’s mother won’t let him take his bike but butler gets it for him.

Stanley Peterson, Cynthia’s butler, motions for Fred to come to the garage on the side of the house. Brings bike out of the garage. Gives Fred a wad of one dollar bills.

Fred rides off, the bike wobbles from side to side. The cold weather makes Fred shiver.

25. EXT Carlos Avenue

Montage

-poor side of Carlos Avenue.

-stopped up drains

-little or no grass

-trash cans overloaded

-Fred hears landlord evicting family and three children for non-payment of their rent. He stops to sit on bench and cries.

26. EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY

Fred parks his bike at the homeless shelter. Gets at the end of the very long line. Virgil, Man in front of him recognizes him from Dr. Bill’s show, tells him the only way to make it right is to beg her forgiveness on nationwide television. Tells him not to be like him, he lost his job, wife, and his children. Fred says you could get another job, couldn’t you. He says he never tried. Seeing you on television showed me how stupid I was. Fred says he’s going job hunting in the morning and asks Virgil to come. Fred offers to give him a shave and a haircut. Goes to front desk at homeless shelter and sets up to do shaves and haircuts for all the men who want it.

27. INT. HOMELESS SHELTER – DAY

A TV news reporter videos Fred shaving and cutting hair on a live news cast. Asks people to donate ties, shirts, shoes, socks to help men prepare for interviews.

28. INT. ALICIA’S SALON – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, February 18, 2008

Remodeled Allure Salon of the Stars. Marvin gives man a shave in the new barber chair. Alicia thanks Margery for helping with the remodeling. Alicia says she misses Fred and that he is too afraid to talk to her and he doesn’t think she wants him before she’ll talk to him. Says she has an appointment with her lawyer.

29. EXT. DOWNTOWN – DAY

Fred sees billboard ad for Alicia’s remodeled salon. Allure Salon of the Stars – Has a picture of Marvin shaving one of big stars and his Mother saying it’s the salon of the stars. Fred takes out huge bottle of aspirin and takes one and drinks from bottle of water.

30. EXT. NEWSTAND – DAY

Front Page of newspaper. Picture of Alicia, his Mother, and Marvin in front of the remodeled salon for the Grand Reopening. Fred takes aspirin.

31. EXT. FOREVER REAL ESTATE – DAY

Couple meet him and Mr. Kaufman in front of Forever Realty claiming he sold them a house with termites. Gave them a copy of court papers where they are suing Fred and Forever Realty and interviewing on 65 minutes. Fred and Kaufman work together to solve problem.

32. INT. CBS NEWS STUDIO – NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Leslie Starborough and Alicia. Alicia tells about injustice of Fred being accused of selling house with termites. Alicia shows pictures of real house that Fred sold them that has a warranty with the California Termite Company and a picture of the house the Stonewalls said Fred sold them.

33. INT. TENNECO’S BAR – NIGHT

Fred discovers that Dan never had a job. He won the lottery. And his money is gone now. I don’t have money to pay the girls. They are with other guys now. New waitress hears Fred talk with Dan. When Bartender and bouncer say they can’t help, a new waitress Sandra tells Fred she’ll help him get Dan home.

34. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT

Dan is so drunk Fred and Sandra struggle to get him up the steps.

Fred digs in Dan’s pocket for key to apartment.

Dan almost falls but Sandra catches him. Fred opens the door.

35. INT. DAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

They get Dan into bed. Sandra says she’ll check on Dan tomorrow. She tells him she doesn’t want his money.

36. INT. FOREVER REALTY

Superimpose: Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Stonewalls case is thrown out. Kaufmann offers Fred his job back Fred tells Kaufmann about new venture to form Silverton realty for inexpensive homes. Kaufmann rehires Fred, gives him his company car back. Fred tells Kaufman about new venture. And that in 6 months he will go alone with new company to help find and create inexpensive housing for homeless and less fortunate people. Kaufmann signs on as silent partner.

37. INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Dr. Benton gives Fred new prescription, tells him he’s always speaking for other people he needs to speak up for himself and decide who he wants to be with when he dies.

38. INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM – NOON

SUPERIMPOSE: Monday, April 16, 2008

Entrepreneurs for a Better Los Angeles (EBLA) Annual Banquet with awards for Outstanding Entrepreneur for the Year. Reporter interviews Alicia discovers she remodeled her salon an expanded her services. When the reporter cuts down Fred, Alicia storms off stage and runs into Fred in a rat costume. Fred begs Alicia to shred the divorce papers and renew their vows. He opened Silverman Realty to find reasonable priced places for people to live. He also set up The Silverman Trust Fund to provide food, clothing, and training for the homeless shelters

in the Los Angeles area for men and women. Alicia apologizes for hiring the young guy that pushed him over the edge and for not noticing that he was afraid he was going to die.

Dr. Bill calls and says that they have been declared the winners of the Perfect Couple. Fred and Alicia talk for a minute and tell him that they would like the money, instead of the Hawaii trip, and add it to the Trust Fund for the Homeless. Alicia gives her $1,000 prize earnings to the Trust fund for the homeless too.

39. INT. ROOSEVELT HOTEL

Fred and Alicia dance the night away. They won’t dance with anyone else. Marvin has his own partner. They get real emotional and sex-driven when they do the tango. Alicia suggests they leave and go home where they can get more comfortable.

40. EXT. HOME – NIGHT

Alicia takes Fred’s hand and leads him down the hallway past the mirror to the bedroom. Fred smiles, winks and rubs his bald spot and his belly. He closes the bedroom door behind him gently.

On the door is a sign that says,

The Perfect Couple.

***

[Jeff Reynolds]

Jeff -making the entertainment value better

Jeff- Entertainment values

1-(e-8) All three characters are introduced in a grocery story line .

2-(e-9) Einstein riding skateboard to meet Bob.

3-(e-7) Hedgewood has lost her job and her home.

4-(e-6) Einstein changing oil with friend Stan.

5-(e-10) Einstein participates in batting practice at padres game.

6-(e-9) Dude has fight on bridge and loses everything.

7-(e-8) What do we do with Einstein community party.

8-(e-9) Meet cute on porch with Hedgewood.

9-(e-9) Job interview and house tour.

10-(e-10) The all nighter clean up.

11-(e-7) Holy toledo the morning after.

12-(e-8) Home depot and meeting Dude.

13-(e-8) Einstein and dude hit the barber shop.

14-(e-7) Einstein and dude hit the Goodwill.

15-(e-6) Einstein and dude hit the gym.

16-(e-7) Community garage clean up.

17-(e-6) Football in the park with house sale.

18-(e-8) Dude introduced to pool room.

19-(e-7) Einstein Hedgewood come up with gamelgard plan.

20-(e-8) Gamelgard in the park.

21-(e-8) The hunt for small breet.

22-(e-6) The ride home

23-(e-7) montage 1

24-(e-8) Bike Coronado

25-(e-8) Magic whiteboard

26-(e-6) He said she said pizza place.

(*improved the entertainment of this scene by having another conversation going on at the same time they are playing the game) purpose of scene is bigger and better with two things happening at once)* (e9)

27-(e-6) Party plan blown up

*( still same purpose but the plan now involves everyone-even the audience watching) (e9)

28-(e-7) Montage 2

29-(e-8) Pool clean up Love you

30-(e-10) family day.

31-(e-10) Low point for Hedgewood

32-(e-10) crazy room revealed

33-(e-9) Compulsive cleaning business imagined

34-(e-8) Falling in La La La

35-(e-6) Some new friends

*(same purpose but more entertaining with baseball and a business idea reveal)(*e-9)

36-(e-10) Bigger and better

37-(e-10) Cultipark party for the homeless

38-(e-9) Dude off to maui

39-(e-8) Janice joins esthers

40-(e-7) love does mondays

41-(e-6) montage 3

42-(e-7) Disney proposal

43-(e-7) Maui Dude

44-(e-8) Maui wedding

45-(e-8) Love does it again San Diego

A better way to rewrite than looking at the whole 120 pages. Easy to see where the work needs to be put in my script.

[Neil Werenskjold]

Subject: Neil’s Elevated Story Beats

Military Family Blues

Logline: During a deployment, two spirited, unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce inadvertently begin to humorously find solace from the other family’s spouses before the deployment turns deadly.

Beat Sheet

INT. BILL AND MARY’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT

-Bill wakes and gets ready to leave for his deployment. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

2. LIVING ROOM – SHORT TIME LATER

-Bill finishes packing his duffle bag with a bottle of WHISKEY and a SWITCHBLADE. Leaves a CARD and ANNIVERSARY GIFT on the table. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

3. BOYS BEDROOM

-Bill kisses the boys while they are still sleeping. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

4. MASTER BEDROOM

-Bill kisses is daughter and turns to Mary, his wife, and she explodes, “I want a divorce!” -Shocking Bill deeply and put him at a disadvantage. (A. 7, B. 9 C. 9, D. 9)

5. INT. SAMATHA (SAM) IN HER SUV – NIGHT

-Sam is distraught about something as she drives to the Air Force base. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

6. INT. BILL DRIVING IN HIS SUV – NIGHT

-Bill in shock trying to drive to the Air Force base. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

7. EXT. AIR FORCE BASE PARKING LOT – NIGHT

-Sam pulled herself together and heads to report for duty. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

8. INT. CIVIL ENGINEERING ASSEMBLY ROOM – EARLY MORNING

-Meet the AF Civil Engineers mechanical systems team. Sam explains Bill is the only guy she trusts because he is, “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

9. INT. FIRE STATION LOCKER ROOM – DAY

-Tom, Sam’s husband talks with the fire station chaplain about his troubled marriage. Also, chaplain tells Tom to look-out for a military family that needs help with home repairs that they could help. Chaplain tell Tom to read PROVERBS 5:15-19. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

10. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY

-Sam and Bill talk on the long flight to Honduras. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

11. INT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – EVENING

-Mary, Bill’s wife meets Tom for the first time. He helps her. They don’t know their spouses are deployed together. It is snowing hard as Tom fixes her flat tire. Mary notices TOM’S COLOGNE and likes it, a lot. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

12. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY (CONTINUED)

-Sam and Bill find out they are BOTH ON THE VERGE OF DIVORCE. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

13. FLASHBACK – INT. BASE CIVILIAN OFFICE – NIGHT

Bill remembers how his boss noticed he was over doing work. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

14. FLASHBACK CONTINUES – INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

-Bill remembers how Mary didn’t like his temporary fixes for the DISHWASHER and broken BACK DOOR. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

15. I/E. GARAGE/DRIVEWAY – DAY

-Mary arrives home and fines out Tom followed her home. Creepy at first. But finds out only his wife is deployed too. He guesses she is in Saudi the last place he knows she went too. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

16. INT. KITCHEN – DAY

-Disheveled but sexy Mary feeding their two children and breastfeeding the youngest. When the doorbell sounds. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

17. I/E. FRONT DOOR – DAY

-Storm is over. Tom’s offers to snow blow her property.

Mary relents as she lets her guard down. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

18. INT. GARAGE – DAY

-Mary caught bare foot wearing only “wear at home PJs,” with no bra. She is bounding around the garage with her bare feet on the super cold floor. Tom secretly notices and likes what he sees but tries not to look for moral reasons. MAN OF INTEGRITY FIGHTING HIS INSTINCTS.

(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

19. INT. BEDROOM – DAY

-Mary listens to the sound of the snowblower as she brushes her hair and quickly getting dressed.

-Mary watches Tom from the window wondering. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

20. KITCHEN – LATER

-Mary hears the snowblower in the garage. Reacts by stopping what she is doing quickly and heads for the door to see this CURIOUSLY INTRIGUING POLITE MAN THAT SMELLS GOOD.

(A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

21. INT. GARAGE – DAY

-Mary barefoot bounding around the garage again. Tom asked if they needed any repairs for the house. His fire station is looking for a military family that needs help. Mary identifies the old DISHWASHER AND broken BACK DOOR. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

22. EXT. VISITING NCO TRANSIT QUARTERS – DAY

-Sam assigns the room next to her room to Bill reminding him he is married, so don’t peek through the gaps in the walls from the rough hewn wood, “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

23. INT. TRANSIT NCO QUARTERS HALLWAY – DAY

-Bill rushes out to go shower. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

24. SAM’S ROOM

-Sam laughs realizes the shower is about to close for cleaning and Bill does not realize it yet. Then leaves to see what is about to happen. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

25. INT. MEN’S LATRINE SHOWER BAY – DAY

-Muscular Bill is in the vast, wide-open bay shower room at the shower in the furthest corner. He is soaping himself up. (A. 7, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)

26. MEN’S SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE/SHOWER BAY – DAY

-The three Honduran women suddenly realize someone is in the shower as they sneak to the shower bay door and peek in.

-Sam comes up behind them, startling them as she is holding her finger to her lips. They relax.

(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)

27. SHOWER BAY

-Bill hears a sound, stops, looks around, but does not see anything. He returns to showering.

(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)

28.SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE.

-Ladies block the Shower room door forcing Bill to have to push past them. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)

29. SHOWER BAY

-Bill struts toward the ladies blocking the door to the beat of Stay’en Alive in his head. Big smile. He is beginning to get his mojo back after the shock from Mary as he was leaving.

(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)

30. SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE/DRYING ROOM

-Bill pushes through the ladies line getting his ass slapped, boobs shimmying in his face and Sam hands him is towel. Sam watches as a hand print from the slap begins to appear. Bill red faced but cares on until he leaves.

-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN.”

(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)

31. INT. HOUSE BEDROOM – NIGHT

-Tom follows the oldest son James six years old into the master bedroom not realizing at first Mary is breast feeding Christiana and is totally topless in the privacy of her bedroom. (A. 9, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)

32. MASTER BEDROOM

-Mary wearing only baggy old gym shorts was a little shocked but a pro at breast feeding so she smiles at Tom’s huge reaction. Stumbling as he tries to retreat with James not moving fast at all. (A. 8, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)

33. HALLWAY

-Shocked Tom runs back out into the hall and apologies through the now cracked door.

(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

34. MASTER BEDROOM

-Mary has a panic attack or baby blues. Tom comforts her.

-Tom tells why he was there. The dishwasher will be replaced tomorrow. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

35. EXT. HONDURAS MILITARY BASE – EVENING

-Airmen arrive at La Ceba Honduran Army base. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

36. INT. BUS – EVENING

-Everyone blocked by a senior NCO until someone breaks wind and they all push pass the weak leader. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

37. EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUS – DAY

-They get briefed by special forces in civilian clothes. Warned about deadly snakes and critters in the showers and tall grass.

-Maj Fox toys with them. Airmen vow to get even before they leave in the morning. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

38. INT. AIR FOCE TENT – EVENING

-Airmen split up between two tents. Sam and Bill have their cots next to each other. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

39. INT. AIR FORCE TENT – NIGHT

-Heavy rain storm in the middle of the night. Bill notices Sam is not wearing a bra under her tight tee shirt. Tries not to stare as he thinks about he maybe getting divorced. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

40. INT. AIR FORCE TENT – NIGHT

-Sam gets Bill up at 4:30 to check the women’s shower hooch for snakes.

-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

41. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER HOOCH – NIGHT.

-Sam waits outside as getting playful Bill goes into he shower. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

42. INT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT

-Bill opens the door finding the lights then walks around banging things with his long three-cell flashlight. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

43. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT

-The urge to say something wildly inappropriate surges through his brain.

-Sam asks him to sit outside the door and guard it while she showers. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

44. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT.

-Bill sitting on the steps notices Maj Foxes hooch next door. He bull shits two Army troops telling them he just saw a coral snake go under the hooch across from them. (A. 8, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)

45. EXT. MAJOR FOX’S HOOCH – NIGHT

-As they are running to check to see if it came out the other side. Bill yells he saw it going hole in the floor board. Noise and lights increase as other join the search outside. Bill hears the major moving furniture around in his hooch, as Sam comes out of the Women’s shower hooch and they walks away quickly. (A. 7, B. 8, C. 9, D. 9)

46. EXT. TRAIL BACK TO TENT – EARLY MORNIN

-Sam and Bill romantically begin to walk back to their tent bumping shoulders. (A. 7, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)

47. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY

-Mary shows the two young firemen her broken dishwasher. On the verge of divorce and Intimacy deprived, Mary looks at these young men briefly as she shares her home made CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. They jump in and enjoy a few. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

48. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY

-Mike and Alex show Mary her new top-of-the-line last years model dishwasher. She is moved to tears she is so relieved.

-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

49. EXT. DIRT PATH BACK TO TENT – EARLY MORNING

-Sam wants to know what he was doing. He fills her in and suggests maybe he should have told all the guys there was a snake under the shower hooch so he could see her in all her glory like she saw him. She reminded him humorously how badly she would hurt him if he ever did anything like that.

-They romantically walk toward the rising sun returning to their tent.

-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

50. INT. HOME DAYCARE BACK DOOR – DAY

-Mary shows two other young firemen the back door. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

51. INT. HOME DAYCARE BACK DOOR – DAY

-They show Mary the replaced new storm door.

-They get Mary’s homemade CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

52. INT. BUS – DAY

-Meet some of the other team members and see the conditions military members are forced to operate in without complaining. Just taking things in stride. School bus without A/C while it is over 100 degrees.

-Male hardbody jogging catching some females eyes. Reality for some and annoying to others but at any rate SPECIAL FORCES are in the area. Foreshadowing trouble. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

53. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – DAY

-13 AF members in one tent including a female and an Officer. The members try to plan to give Sam a little privacy. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

54. INT. SUPPLY TENT – DAY

-CE members borrow (steal) some plywood on the down low just for two short of two weeks.

(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

55. INT. LAS DELICIAS MOBILE FEILD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY

-Field conditions for eating.

-Bill and Sam stay behind and have a heart to heart talk. They are mulling over their options privately wondering if the other would be a good partner now that their spouse want to call it quits.

-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

56. EXT. MOBILE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #1 – DAY

-Bill quickly comes up with a plan to MacGyver fix the much needed A/C for this unit. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

57. EXT. ARMY POST COMPOUND – DAY

-Bill looking for a mud flap. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

58. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT BILLS BUNK – DAY

-Bill has to break out the WHISKEY bottle he brought along to trade for a mud flap. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

59. INT. ARMY FEILD MOTOR-POOL – DAY

-Bill uses the Whiskey to have someone turn around while Bill Cuts a mud flap off a deuce and a half truck. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

60. INT. MOBLE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #1 – DAY

-Bill fashions a coupling out of the mud flap material and gets the A/C unit on the intel trailer up and running so they can now do their jobs. The coupling was on order for six months so Bill showed the Army how they could fashion parts like that coupling out of indigenous materials if you know where to look. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

61. EXT. MOBLE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #2 – DAY

-Bill swamps two legs on the 3 phase power cable providing power to the trailer and the A?C unit fan that was running backwards began to run forwards so now this trailer’s A/C could keep the intel equipment from over heating. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

62. EXT. TENT CITY – NIGHT

-Warning sirens blast in the night. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

63. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT

-Bill checks his watch 0330 hrs Army troop is yelling to get their asses out and into the near-by bunker. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

64. EXT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT

-Air Force in their underwear beat feet for the bunker WITHOUT FLASHLIGHTS. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

65. INT. SANDBAG BUNKER – NIGHT

-Bill and Sam are packed in the bunker tight with Army and AF troops packed body-to-body in their underwear. Sam feels someone touching her butt so Bill swings her around so her back is on the sandbag wall and Bill is eyeball to eyeball with her. Next they are pushed together so they are body to body. Billy accident touches her barrels breasts and has a man reaction to the situation. They both are overcome with DESIRE in the pitch black. (A. 9, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)

66. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT

-Bunker drill over they rush back to their cots. Bill and Sam are totally FRUSTRATED and ridden with GUILT. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

67. INT. HOSPITAL BED – NIGHT – FLASHBACK

-Sam has a flashback about how Tom saved her life. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

68. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY

-Mary has all the guys that helped her over for dinner to show her thanks.

-Mary secretly really like Tom’s COLOGNE. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

69. LIVING ROOM

-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

-Tom and Mary sit and talk after the other guys leave. They are getting drawn to each other.

(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

70. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT

-“adventure AWAITS” PLAQUE that she and Bill received when they got married, falls out of a box catching Mary by surprise. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

71. FLASHBACK MONTAGE – BILL AND MARY’S CHEERFUL WEDDING RECEPTION – DAY

-How they received the PLAQUE. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

72. INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY

-BIG REVEAL: Tom finds out Sam didn’t willing pose for nude pictures. She was drugged. Their separation is based on her being victimized not faulting her body to strangers! Tom has a what did I do moment. He’s very upset with himself. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

73. INT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY

-Thank you lunch from the Army to the AF airmen that have repaired a lot of the infrastructure problems they were having. Now can get to work much better with their mission. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

74. EXT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY

-Air Force and Army assemble to go for a drive so the AF can see the surrounding jungle area.

(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

75. EXT. MONTAGE HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS – DAY

-Honduran Countryside. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

76. EXT. WIDE RIVER AMBUSH – DAY

-In the middle of a wide river, a cartel AMBUSHES the Army humvees. Sam makes AWESOME SHOT that ends the attack. But not after some are injured GRAVELY.

-Bill breaks out his super sharp SWITCHBLADE. To cut an injured Army troop out of his seat belt under fire. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)

77. INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE – EVENING

-Tom finds out his wife SAM HAS BEEN INJURED. But how bad? They don’t know. News is someone died in the attack. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

78. INT. HOME KITCHEN – EVENING

-Mary finds out Bill has been INJURED. But how bad? (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

79. INT. HOME KITCHEN/GARAGE – DAY

-Mary’s sister will watch the children as Mary rushes to the hospital to see her husband. BILL is injured HOW BAD??? (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

80. EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – DAY

-Mary and Tom RUSH to the local hospital INDEPENDENTLY where their spouses have been transferred too after receiving some treatment in Honduras. Both Mary and Tom keep missing each other in the fog of their worry for their spouses, as they PASS EACH OTHER looking for a parking place. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

81. INT. HOSPITAL INFORMATION DESK – DAY

-Same thing, Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds in the hospital info desk.

(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

82. INT. THIRD FLOOR HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY

-Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

83. BY THE ELEVATORS

-Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A.7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

84. OUTSIDE ROOM 310

-Mary doesn’t find Bill in his room. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

85. NURSE’S STATION

-Same thing, Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

86. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF HOSPITAL CHAPEL

-BIG REVEAL begins. Tom and Mary Meet outside the Chapel doors and get tangled up as they are excited and want to see their spouses. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

87. INT. INSIDE THE HOSPITAL CHAPEL – DAY

-Bill in a WHEEL CHAIR is teasing Sam with a bad picture of her he had in his hand. Sam on crutches, falls into Bill’s lap boobs first into Bill’s face just as the tangled Tom and Mary bust through the door, with a spirited black chaplain right on their heels.

-BIG REVEAL UNRAVELS ALL. And a Holy Spirit moment is declared by the Chaplain. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

88. INT. HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY

-“TWO MONTHS LATER”

-Resolution results. Bill and Mary tease each other about their almost infidelity.

-Mary is BUSTED with the COLOGNE. Bill knows why he’s now wearing it.

(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

89. INT. HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY

-Brief humorous more to the wrap-up. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

90. INT. KITCHEN – DAY

-Bigger humous wrap-up.

-Mary REVEALS she knows about Sam’s use for “MR MARRIED MAN” on Bill.

-Mary’s CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES and her relationship with the whole fire department. All in good humor. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)

[Johnny Cullen]

Johnny Cullen’s Elevated Story Beat’s

Title Emerald Fist

Genre: Heartwarming Comedy

Logline: An insecure influencer competes with his estranged half-sister to win prize money in a video game tournament to save his crooked step-father from prison.

So the purpose with the updated beats was really about clarifying the character’s intentions – and by doing so it created a lot more tension and drama, particularly around the climax. I’m not going to do a before and after as a lot of the beats have been updated as a result – so here is the most up to date beat sheet so far.

STORY BEATS

1. (E9) ANIMATED SEQUENCE

We open on a dynamic intro to Video Game Emerald Fist. A fighting game about the old Celtic deities rising up to fight the evil St. Patrick. We pull out to reveal…

2. (E7) INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY

2002. Diarmuid playing Emerald Fist on a game console on his own. His mother walks in the doorway with Richard (your new dad!). He plays Emerald Fist with Diarmuid and obliterates. Him. “Your just not good enough pal”… Angle on Diarmuid’s face – match cut to…

3. (E7) INT. GYMNASIUM. DAY

Diarmuid 20 years later running on a treadmill listening to a podcast about being an alpha male. He slips slams on the treadmill someone has filmed it and tagged him on social. He’s kicked out – he reads his phone a text message from his agent to take part in the last minute branded social video. He accepts.

4. (E7) INT. APARTMENT. DAY

Diarmuid enters his apartment bragging to his roommates about his latest offer. They name check him on his bought followers. Diarmuid Enters his room trying on a series of T-shirts all one size too small for him. We pull out to reveal his room is a mess.

5. (E7) INT. STUDIO. DAY

Diarmuid enters the studio – successful influencer Kevin is there finishing up his lines. Diarmuid has an awkward encounter with him. The client of the branded content shoot calls out Diarmuid as the notorious cheat who bought all his followers and publicly humiliates him, Diarmuid nonetheless tries his best at the line delivery. Copying Kevin’s performance…

6. (E6) INT. LUAS. DAY

Diarmuid posts to Instagram on his successful “shoot” no reactions except his mum who reminds him it’s his estranged sister Maeve’s birthday today. Shit!

7. (E6) INT. GAMESTONKS. DAY

Diarmuid arrives at the GameStop store to buy Maeve a present. He notices an Emerald Fist game on the shelf. Reminds him of his childhood he purchases it.

8. (E9) INT. RICHARDS HOUSE. DAY

Diarmuid arrives at Maves birthday party but it is covered in crime tape and is in chaos. Richard is escorted by gardai wearing a party hat for what seems like fraud. Maeve’s friends are hysterical while she sits stoically playing her switch. Diarmuid and Maeve watch as Richard is taken away.

9. (E7) INT. GARDA STATION. NIGHT

Diarmuid consoles Maeve awkwardly. Richard is being interrogated and Diarmuid is called in. He is informed that Richard needs to gather €48,862 euro in the next two weeks or he will face a criminal conviction and prison time meaning that Diarmuid (as legal guardian) would be the sole custodian over Maeve. Richard won sole custody against Alice (cheating on him).

10. (E6) INT. PANIC ATTACK.

Diarmuid enters into an extreme Panic Attack – we see him vs. his stepfather in a 2D fighting scenario – Diarmuid tries to throw a punch but Richard rips his skin off breathing fire roasting Diramuid to a crisp. We snap back to Diarmuid in reality – struggling to open his mouth.

11. (E6) INT. DIARMUID’S HOUSE. DAY/NIGHT

Maeve moves into Diarmuid’s shared house. Diarmuid makes light of the events with a few jokes. Maeve takes the bed while Diarmuid takes the couch, she joins him.

12. (E6) INT. DIARMUID’S HOUSE. DAY/NIGHT

In the morning she wakes him for school – Diarmuid struggles to make her breakfast it’s disgusting.

13. (E5) EXT. MAEVE’S SCHOOL. DAY

Diarmuid brings Maeve to school, he asks her to stay with her friends in the afternoon, she reveals she doesn’t have friends.

14. (E5) INT. DIARMUID’S LIVING ROOM DAY.

Diarmuid brainstorms with the housemate ways he can get cash – each suggestion is as bad as the last suggestion.

15. (E6) INT. DIARMUID’S BEDROOM DAY.

Diarmuid tries to apply for a loan and is rejected. He looks on social media – contacts Kevin from the shoot – (a successful entrepreneur for his company BUDDHA BANK) – He messages him and they agree to meet.

16. (E7) INT. SWANKY AIRBNB. DAY

Kevin adorned in buddha beads meets Diarmuid. He’s as patronising and ‘spiritual’ in equal measure as ever. Diarmuid asks for a loan of 50K and Kevins spits in his face. Maybe update your USP. Gaming? “No, Not gaming” Kevin says – last time I kicked your ass in emerald fist says D!

17. (E5) EXT. SCHOOL. DAY.

Diarmuid picks Maeve up from school, they bond over their equally miserable days.

18. (E5) INT. DIARMUID’S ROOM DAY.

Diarmuid reluctantly calls his mother – Tries to hide the reason knowing if she knew Richard was in trouble she would take Maeve. Mother rejects the money – says hes just like Richard.

19. (E5) INT. ALICE ROOM. DAY

We see Alice’s family – she asks her children about hanging out with Maeve – They hate Maeve!

Father dismisses the idea.

20. INT. DIARMUIDS LIVING ROOM DAY.

Maeve playing Emerald Fists enlists them as a team in the gaming competition to win 50K! She lets Diarmuid know. He’s ecstatic!

21. (E7) INT. DIARMUID’S LIVING ROOM. DAY

Diarmuid begins to train with Maeve teaching her about the myth of the lore of the game as well as the combos and mechanics of the game. They bond over this newfound enthusiasm to save Richard.

22. (E7) INT. CELL. DAY

Diarmuid visits Richard and tells him the plan. Richard is terrified, he is certain he’s going to jail. Diarmuid assures him that’s not going to happen.

23. (E8) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE. DAY

We enter into the world of E-Sports, cosplayers and quirky types. Diarmuid is a fish out of water. But notices the large live-streamed matches – he’s enamoured.

24. (E8) FIRST COMBATANTS

We see an Xfactor style montage of Riddhi and Zlata – Diarmuid and Maeve’s first combatants. Two kindred spirits who disobeyed their parents.

25. (E9) DIARMUID AND MAEVE VS. RIDDHI AND ZLATA

We enter into our first fight – dynamic action and hyper-stylised editing style. Diarmuid and Maeve lose and go into loser brackets.

26. (E8) ANIMATED GAME SEQUENCE

We see an animated sequence within the game. A hint about reconnecting with your younger self.

27. (E6) INSERT SCHMALTZY SEAN AND THERESA MONTAGE

We reveal a new Xfactor style montage of the next combatant Sean and Theresa it gets uncomfortably intimate.

28. (E7) DIARMUID AND MAEVE VS. SEAN AND THERESA

The two begin the fight but something’s up with Maeve. She runs to the bathroom mid-flight. Diarmuid follows her…

29. (E8) INT. BATHROOM DAY.

Maeve hides in the stall explaining that she has got her first period. Diarmuid congratulates her. They have a moment of connection. Maeve asks if he loves their mother – it’s a cutting question.

They awkwardly hug. Maeve texts their mother the good news.

30. (E6) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE. DAY

We return to the end of the match with Maeve and Diarmuid beating Sean and Theresa followed by another gaming subtextual message. He gets his next competitor – and first live stream fight…its Kevin?

31. (E5) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE. DAY

Diarmuid realises Kevin and another influencer are here competing. Kevin ignores him… Kevins here with Zenergise and to get fame as a famous Twitch streamer – get in with him and you get fame.

32. (E5) INT. TWITCH STREAM INTERVIEW.

Diarmuid wangles an interview with Twitch Streamer. He Confronts him about his past humiliation. Diarmuid plays up his redemption, better man now, here to compete – ignoring his half-sister (she’s begging him they need to train!) – He bigs up his next fight with Kevin – Kevin is furious.

33. (E5) INT. TWITCH STREAM INTERVIEW.

Kevin’s sponsorship team lambast Kevin for having to fight ‘cancelled’ Diarmuid. Tells him he has to win or lose his contract.

34. (E5) ALICE COMES BACK AND TAKES MAEVE –

Alice returns to take Maeve back without Diarmuid knowing…

35. (E4) DIARMUID DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR MAEVE

Diarmuid – secures the fight and searches for Maeve or risks qualification finds out “the description of his mother” took her…

36. (E7) INT. ALICE’S HOUSE. NIGHT

We see Maeve with Alice’s new family it’s awkward. You’ll be right at home here (father is overly strict kids make her feel unwelcome.

37. (E5) RICHARD TEXTS MAEVE

Richard – who has been following the competition calls Maeve asks her how its going? Not well.. Convinces her to tamper with her gaming pad otherwise, he is going to prison.

38. (E6) MAEVE RESEARCHES TEMPERING WITH GAMING PADS

Maeve researches gaming pads and HOW TO WIN. She needs to get out of this house!

39. (E8) EXT. ALICE HOUSE MORNING.

Diarmuid kidnaps Maeve to enter the fight the next day. (Live streamed will give him fame and revenge against Kevin)

40. (E7) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE DAY.

Diarmuid watches Kevin trash talk Diarmuid ahead of their match on the Twitch stream calling him a loser and copycat.

41. (E4) INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE DAY.

Kevin’s sponsors let him know he has to win the live stream fight for the brand or risk losing all sponsorship money – (he owes them a lot).

42. (E4) INT. GARDA STATION. MORNING.

We see Richard, in a cell, ready to watch the live fight hiding from a cell mate.

43. (E4) INT. ALICE’S SHOUSE DAY.

Alice realises Maeve has run away she’s terrified. She runs out looking for her with Guards.

44. (E8) PRE-FIGHT

We enter into the Live streamed fight. Diarmuid and Maeve are ready to fight Kevin and another influencer. It’s neck and neck.

45. MONTAGE OF INTERESTS

Alice is trying to get Maeve back but is held back by security. Maeve says she doesn’t want to live with her. Alice is devastated.

Richard’s phone runs out of battery asks tough cellmate.

Diarmuid is looking at the viewer’s increase on the stream.

Kevin’s sponsor reminds him again why associate yourself with him.

Maeve clutches the gaming pad.

46. (E8) FIRST LIVE-STREAMED FIGHT

We enter into the Live streamed fight. Diarmuid and Maeve are ready to fight Kevin and another influencer. It’s neck and neck.

Twitch streamer notices something off.

47. (E9) CLIMAX

An official suspends the game and suspects foul play. Diarmuid looks and Maeve, she’s terrified. The crowd now getting rowdy. Diarmuid realises he must take the blame to save face. He does. He’s booed! The cheater. Diarmuid and Maeve show each other a loving moment. They leave.

48. (E7) INT. GARDA STATION. DAY

Richard is livid. But also restrained – finally accepting his fate. He Tells Cellmate he’s doing time.

49. (E7) INT. COURTROOM. DAY

Richard’s sentence is read out – he looks like he’s about to do time – until his court case is paid for by someone…Alice! Richard walks with a suspended sentence. Diarmuid reconciles with his Mother.

50. (E5) INT. DIARMUID’S NEW HOUSE. DAY

Diarmuid and Maeve are streaming live on their new twitch channel. Richard is confused and tries to join in. It’s clear that Diarmuid is now looking after both of them. THE END.

[Mary Spiers]

Mary’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment. First, it was helpful to have the entertainment value rated from before. I found those scenes were ones that I’ve felt weren’t working as well. I’m sure I can now go back and elevate many more scenes to improve them as well. I like this process because it is “specific surgery” – It allows me to work on smaller aspects. Each elevation doesn’t need to take a lot of time but it can really help. The other aspect that helped is to make sure I have a clear idea of the purpose of the scene. Brainstorming different possibilities then becomes a fun process.

3 scenes to elevate.

Scene 4)from the first 10 minutes. Purpose: Reason for Hannah to go back in time. Her wish to be famous.” In the first draft Hannah’s reason for going back in time was vague at best.

Before: INT. GRANDMA’S HOUSE – LATER

(E5)Hannah berates herself for being spooked and wonders if Uncle Jim left the message in the book to prank her. She and grandma prepare Jumbles (18^th century cookies). Hannah learns of her 3x great grandmother LYDIA through her grandmother. Hannah realizes she’s left her grandma’s recipe book and asks to deliver jumbles to CT so she can retrieve it.

After: INT. GRANDMA’S HOUSE – LATER

(E9) Hannah and grandma prepare Jumbles (18^th century cookies) for the reenactment dinner as she tries to understand the message. She learns of her 3x great grandmother LYDIA, another cook. Hannah makes a wish to invent a new baking treat so she’ll be famous like her ancestors and states that it would have been easier in the 1700s. Today everything has already been invented she believes. From her grandmother’s fortune jar Hannah receives a strange message that she may change history. She suddenly realizes she’s left her grandma’s recipe book and asks to deliver jumbles to CT so she can retrieve it. She’s fulfilling the instructions.

2: Scene 13 from 2^nd act. Purpose: to show relationships between characters, elevate expression of Hannah’s character, and highlight the time travel portal)

BEFORE:EXT. CITY TAVERN — DAY

(E6)Hugh McDonald is stationed as an American guard outside the City Tavern as Prissa, Becca, Lydia and Hannah approach. Hugh compliments Lydia and Hannah. Hannah is flattered. Lydia treats him coldly.

After: EXT. CITY TAVERN – DAY

(E8)Hugh McDonald is stationed as an American guard outside the City Tavern as Prissa, Becca, Lydia and Hannah approach. Hugh compliments Lydia and Hannah. Hannah is flattered. Lydia treats him coldly. As they go through the door, Hannah goes through some antics to test the door portal which may send her back to the future.

3: Scene 29 from 3rd act. Purpose: to get Hannah back home through the Portal (elevate by making it harder – she has to come thru with Jumbles. Also, she has tried to return several times before without success).

Before: EXT. City Tavern — NIGHT

(E6) Bonfires and firecrackers light up the night. People celebrate. Hannah spots Hugh. They speak about loyalty and part ways. Hannah sees the City Tavern portal door start to glow. She walks through it back to the future.

After: EXT. City Tavern — NIGHT

(E9)Bonfires and firecrackers light up the night as people celebrate. Hannah spots Hugh. They speak about loyalty. Hannah reluctantly leaves him as she sees the City Tavern portal door glow. She cannot pass through. She’s defeated, until she realizes what is missing. She runs down the street to retrieve the bundle of jumbles on the stoop and runs back. She hesitates just before going through. Then through the portal just in time.

Updated Beat Sheet

Jumble of Time

Beat Sheet (5th pass)

1. EXT. PHILADELPHIA OLD CITY – DAY (Opening Image)

Montage showing the 18th century CITY TAVERN over 250 years as Philadelphia evolves around the tavern. The tavern grow smaller as the Philadelphia skyline grows. Styles of fashion and transportation change.

2. INT. CITY TAVERN LONG ROOM – DAY

(E7)We meet HANNAH, her GRANDMA, and Hannah’s uncle JIM BALDWIN, as Hannah pranks Uncle Jim as he delivers a history talk on what happened at the City Tavern, on July 4^th, 1777.

As Hannah checks herself in an old mirror she is startled by the momentary reflection of colonial girl looking back at her.

3. INT. CITY TAVERN LONG ROOM – LATER

(E8)Hannah is left alone to display their famous baking ancestor’s MARY NEWPORT’s prized 18^th century recipe book. Insecure because she lost a kid’s baking contest, Hannah concocts wild stories about exploding cupcakes during the Rev. War. She discovers the doodle she just penned and a message from the past in her own handwriting in the old book. “Go back thru CT. Bring jumbles.” Spooked she runs out leaving the recipe book.

4. INT. GRANDMA’S HOUSE – LATER (Purpose: Reason for Hannah to go back in time: her wish to be famous.)

(E9) Hannah and grandma prepare Jumbles (18^th century cookies) for the reenactment dinner as she tries to understand the message. She learns of her 3x great grandmother LYDIA, another cook. Hannah makes a wish to invent a new baking treat so she’ll be famous like her ancestors and states that it would have been easier in the 1700s. Today everything has already been invented she believes. From her grandmother’s fortune jar Hannah receives a strange message that she may change history. She suddenly realizes she’s left her grandma’s recipe book and asks to deliver jumbles to CT so she can retrieve it. She’s fulfilling the instructions.

5. INT. CITY TAVERN – DAY Back in Time (10 minutes- inciting incident)

(E7)As Hannah enters the door of the tavern she steps back in time to JULY 3rd, 1777. Hannah thinks this is part of the present-day reenactment.

(E9)Hannah meets LYDIA, her 12-year old ancestor who was the girl in the mirror. Lydia accuses Hannah of being an interloper. Hannah now thinks her uncle is playing a practical joke on her. Hannah follows Lydia in order to foil the joke. Hannah chases Lydia out of the City Tavern and through colonial Philadelphia.

6. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — LATER

(E6)Hannah ends up at the 18th century version of her grandmother’s house. PRISSA, 16 and Hannah start off badly. Prissa accuses Hannah of being a witch. MARY NEWPORT sorts it out and takes Hannah in, mistaking her as a relative. Mary Newport, Lydia and the other apprentices Prissa and BECCA,9, bake for the July 4th celebration at the City Tavern.

(E7)BENEDICT ARNOLD comes to the shop. Hannah is aghast that he is a war hero, knowing he will one day be a traitor. Prissa flirts with Arnold

Lydia is suspicious of Hannah.

(E6)Hannah realizes that she has gone back in time and is among her ancestors on July 3^rd, 1777.

7. EXT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — MORNING

(E7)As Hannah and Lydia return from an errand they interrupt rebel ruffians throwing rocks through the windows of Mary Newport’s pastry shop. Hannah chases them off. The pies for the feast are ruined.

8. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — LATER

(E5)Hannah and Lydia overhear JOSEPH GALLOWAY, a known Tory, tell Mary Newport, that there may be trouble at the City Tavern during the feast when she and the girls will be serving. He divulges the plot to kidnap congress and asks her not to raise the alarm. Lydia doesn’t take the threat seriously. Hannah is concerned.

Act 2

General direction. Hannah assumed her ancestors are ardent patriots, but they are Quakers. They try to stay out of the war and have no affection for the rebels. Hannah repeatedly puts her foot in her mouth by letting 20th century speech and knowledge slip out. Hannah moves towards being connected to Lydia while she gradually realizes she must foil the plot.

9. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — LATER

(E7)Although frazzled, Mary Newport decides they’ll serve at City Tavern. She learns her Quaker ancestors do not support the war as she reveals her support of the revolution. Hannah suggests they make cupcakes to replace the smashed pies – but they haven’t been invented yet.

10. EXT. WHARF — DAY

(E5)Lydia and Hannah go on an errand to buy spices from CAPTAIN COLLETT, ship captain and family friend, where he is approached by CALEB OAFLEY to enlist his aid in ferrying prisoners in the kidnapping plot. Lydia grows more suspicious of Hannah and accuses her of being a rebel. Hannah grows more certain she may have to intervene to save the timeline of history.

11. EXT. STATEHOUSE — DAY

(E8)The American army and congress are assembled. As the Declaration of Independence is read, Hannah and Lydia chase their runaway cow. They meet HUGH MCDONALD, young soldier who catches the cow. Hannah thinks he’s charming but Lydia thinks he looks like one of the ruffians who broke their windows.

12. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — DAY

(E5)Hannah and Lydia arrive home to find that Mr. Galloway has taken Mary Newport into “safekeeping”. Prissa is in charge and the girls will have to serve at the Fourth of July Feast on their own.

(E5)In the course of an argument over the war Hannah learns more of Lydia’s sentiments. Hannah and Lydia decide not to tell the other two girls of the plot to kidnap congress. While Lydia thinks Mr. Galloway is looking after her aunt, Hannah thinks she’s been kidnapped so she can’t reveal the plot. Lydia has no wish to stop the plot.

45 Minutes (Hannah starts to realize she may have to intervene)

13. EXT. CITY TAVERN – DAY (Purpose: to show relationships between characters and express Hannah’s character)

(E8)Hugh McDonald is stationed as an American guard outside the City Tavern as Prissa, Becca, Lydia and Hannah approach. Hugh compliments Lydia and Hannah. Hannah is flattered. Lydia treats him coldly. As they go through the door, Hannah goes through some antics to test the door portal which may send her back to the future.

14. INT. CITY TAVERN LONG ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

(E7)The room is set for a lavish feast. Prissa delivers a note to the proprietor, DANIEL TURNER, explaining Mary Newport’s absence. Hannah is suspicious of everyone at the feast, especially BENEDICT ARNOLD. She tries to surreptitiously warn JOHN ADAMS that there is a plot and fingers Arnold, whom she mistakenly thinks is poisoning the wine. Hannah’s bungled attempt gets Hannah and Lydia dismissed by Turner.

15. EXT. CITY TAVERN — DAY

(E5)Hannah notices the guard has changed and Hugh is gone. Lydia is relieved to be leaving but Hannah thinks something is amiss and is intent on checking it out.

16. INT. CITY TAVERN CELLAR — DAY

(E6)Hannah sneaks down to the cellar and discovers Hugh McDonald and another AMERICAN SOLDIER, JESSE tied up. The group reveals what they know of the plot to Mr. Turner. Turner assures them he will notify the rebel leaders.

17. INT. CITY TAVERN — MOMENTS LATER mid-point whammy) Turner is behind the plot and means harm to the girls.

(E5)As the girls leave Mr. Turner tells Caleb to take care of the meddling girls. (change needed here in how the villains will “take care of the girls)

18. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — DAY

(E7)Hannah is ready to return home and intends to pen the message in the recipe book to send her home but Lydia has eaten a drugged cake and she passes out. Hannah realizes the double-cross. The plot is still alive and Lydia is in danger.

19. EXT. WHARF — DAY

(E6)It’s up to Hannah. Hannah searches for Captain Collett. He’s not there.

20. EXT. CITY TAVERN BACK COURTYARD – DAY

(E8) Hannah runs back to warn the soldiers (Hugh and friends) that they’re being double-crossed. She sneaks around to the back of the city tavern just in time to see that Hugh may join the Tory plotters. She strings fireworks under the wagon in an attempt to spook the horses but her attempt fails. It seems no one can help her to foil the plot or help Lydia.

(all is lost)

21. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — DAY

(E6)Collett comes back and Hannah realizes the bond he has with Lydia. He will search for the antidote. Hannah decides to bake cupcakes on her own despite her lack of 18^th century baking knowledge. Collett returns with the antidote and now Lydia, although groggy helps.

22. INT. CITY TAVERN – DAY

(E7)Hannah, Lydia and Capt. Collett have no real plan to replace the tainted cakes but show up and improvise. They have to trick the bad guys and get the cakes upstairs to the guests. Hannah leads the prank, the henchman is drugged and out of action and upstairs, in delivering the cakes, a food fight erupts as Hannah has to escape.

This is also Hugh’s moment of truth. He does help them.

23. EXT. CITY TAVERN BACK COURTYARD — AFTERNOON

(E8)In running away Hannah and Lydia are caught by the villains and tied up in the back of Buie’s wagon.

24. EXT. CITY TAVERN FRONT–AFTERNOON

(E7)The revolutionary leaders hang out the window and cheer the parade going by. It’s time for the dessert

The parade marches by. Hugh and Jesse are with their regiment. Collett sneaks out the front door. Galloway watches nervously from across the street.

Just then Hugh’s band of soldiers diverts towards the back of the City Tavern. They come around the corner and train their rifles on the conspirators

25. INT. CITY TAVERN – DAY

(E6)The guests leave and congratulate Mr. Turner on a wonderful party. The plot has been foiled.

26. EXT. CITY TAVERN BACK COURTYARD – AFTERNOON

(E9)The conspirators are captured, but in the mayhem, partly caused by Hannah and Hugh, the conspirators get away.

(E5)When Hugh’s Captain arrives, Hugh downplays the event saying they just ran off some ruffians.

They have all foiled the plot to kidnap congress. They have saved the revolution and the revolutionary leaders and no one will ever know about it.

ACT 3- RESOLUTION

27. INT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — NIGHT

(E7)All are gathered safely back at Aunt Molly’s. Mary Newport has no idea what the girls did and they keep their secret. Hannah scribes the message to her future self in future in Mary Newport’s recipe book. Lydia sees her. They speak of the way they have become like sisters. They both feel Hannah will leave soon. Hannah is asked to carry a bundle of jumbles to Ms. Griffitt’s house across the street. Leaves them on front stoop.

28. EXT. MARY NEWPORT’S HOUSE — NIGHT

(E6)Hugh keeps his “boys” from attacking Mary Newport’s house.

29. EXT. CITY TAVERN – NIGHT

Purpose: to get Hannah back home through the Portal

(E9)Bonfires and firecrackers light up the night as people celebrate. Hannah spots Hugh. They speak about loyalty. Hannah reluctantly leaves him as she sees the City Tavern portal door glow. She cannot pass through. She’s defeated, until she realizes what is missing. She runs down the street to retrieve the bundle of jumbles on the stoop and runs back. She hesitates just before going through. Then through the portal just in time.

30. INT. CITY TAVERN PRESENT DAY — Day

(E8)Out of breath, Hannah is back at the City Tavern in the 21^st century only 1 hour after she left. Uncle Jim gives hands her cell phone back but she’s not interested in it, she’s interested in commenting on the reenactment, in family hx and in the recipe book. At end she notices Lydia has written a doodle entwined with hers in the recipe book too.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned: Taking the elevations one step at a time helps me not to get too overwhelmed. Still more work to do, but this is a good start! (Due to its size, I’m only posting my brainstorm process for 3 scenes, not the whole new Beat Sheet.)

– – – – – – Scenes to Elevate / Suggested Changes

1. (E5) INT./EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY – DAY
HENRI BERGER’s intro. Stalled in traffic, he primps. Flirts with women who pass by. We learn that he’s annoyed while on an errand to drop off hair product to a client. His California license plate on his shiny new convertible reads: “STYLIN.”

Purpose: Protagonist Intro. Set the tone of Movie/World
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>New Beats: Ditch the above scene and lead with the Crime Scene Aftermath (below).

Tell the story in a non-linear fashion, to add more curiosity. NEW #1: (formerly #5).

1. (E8) EXT./INT. BRADLEY JAMES’ HOUSE (MALIBU) – NIGHT
CSIs document items at the crime scene. Intro of the no-nonsense DETECTIVE KURT STONE. Outside: tubes of “MARC RICHE SALON” hair gel scattered in the driveway, a pair of broken mirrored sunglasses. Inside: the dead body of movie star BRADLEY JAMES, still clutching a script: the remake of WILL OF THE WEST.

They find HENRI BERGER in the backyard, as he emerges from behind a big leafy plant. Butt-naked, with the exception of a barber’s cape, worn like a hospital gown, and his Italian designer loafers. He exclaims to police, “I saw it all — I saw the man who shot Bradley James! Det. Stone is not sure what to make of him, and suggests that he save his story for when they go “downtown.”

– – – – – –

12. (E4) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON (VERMONT) – DAY
Intro of CAMDEN PARKS. He’s a by-the-book kinda guy. He finishes up a doggie groom while talking to his sister, Acadia. She rattles off various guy’s names that she has plans with — turns out all of the “dates” are with dogs. Camden suggests that she “get back out there” and is cut off by Acadia who says she already surrounded 24-7 by all the love she needs. “And, dogs are infinitely more trustworthy than men.”

Purpose: Intro of Camden Parks & the Dog Salon
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Core Traits: Conservative, Trustworthy, Over-Protective, Politically-Correct, Ex-Military
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>New Beats: Instead of Cam suggesting that she go out with “real men,” maybe he’s relieved that she’s limiting her dates to dogs. He hated seeing her get hurt! Switch up Cam’s tone: He’s the one who says “Dogs are infinitely more trustworthy…

Somehow combine his ex-military training with his dog grooming methodology. Perhaps he speaks to dogs like he did to his guys in the military. ie “Stand up straight, solider!” “Ten-hut!” He’s a perfectionist, and that trait would transfer over to how the dogs end up looking.

– – – – – –

22. (E4) INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Jared provides Henri with pics from the Gallery Fundraiser that he took on his iPhone. Henri sees STUART DRAKE’s living tableau as “The David.” While frozen in position, he appears to be pining for Tiffany (Bradley’s widow).

Purpose: A Red Herring set-up of Stuart Drake as new suspect in Bradley’s murder (the one who hired the hit); end scene with a surprise.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>New Beats: Start with a few pics of what we already saw at fundraiser (Henri as Picasso’s “Pierrot,” Marc and Tiffany in Seurat’s “Sunday in Park.” Then, a funny pic of Jared doing a “Scream” selfie).

End with new exposition/clues: Tiffany at autograph table (we see the flat black box, a set up for later). End with the surprise (and character intro) of Stuart Drake at the event as “The David.” Show funny expressions of emotion while looking at Bradley James’ widow Tiffany, when he’s supposed to be a motionless statue. And he sneaks around to different locations in the gallery, although he was supposed to remain in the lobby. All of this could hopefully set up curiosity.

[Alice Eden]

Alice’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is that

A. Is there a different setting that would either contrast or

support the purpose even more?

&

F. Can you improve the way this scene is set up in previous scenes

Suffers

1. Select at least three (3) scenes in your Beat Sheet that you’d like to improve.

Three scenes with Identifier are to be exchanged, where they Find Info, discover broken Link, and Crack it, and Copy Data.

2. Tell us the purpose of each scene you are improving.

They search for info to uncover mystery of their habitation.

As Star works on Identifier she notices a link about planetary areas. When she cracks it, they learn their shelter is one of first places to be enclosed for time machine, A sign of imminent danger.

So they decide to Copy Data, an all-knowledge database, given to their planet by Higher Civilization, so that Stone who leaves Spinner would take it with him, and preserve it.

3. Give us the “before and after” of the beats you improve.

Before

50.INT. SECOND PLATFORM – DAY

Keepers, Star and Lensor go down to Identifier’s place.

61.INT. ROOM WITH IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON

Star notices link on research of planetary areas, their subject, which she cannot open.

63.INT. ROOM WITH IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON

Star shows Keepers broken link, and they decide it is to be cracked for info.

66.INT. ROOM OF IDENTIFIER – EVENING

Star puts identification program to work.

After

50.INT. SECOND PLATFORM – DAY

Star works on IDENTIFIER, searching for Info on their habitation.

61.INT. ROOM WITH IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON

Star notices link on research of planetary areas, their subject, which she cannot open.

63.INT. ROOM WITH IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON

Star shows Keepers broken link, and they decide it is to be cracked for info.

65. INT. IDENTIFIER ROOM – DAY

Star shows Keepers link’s content. Their shelter is one of first places to be unreachable in a future, as discovered during time machine experiment. That is a sign of Imminent Death.

66. INT. KEEPER’S ROOM – DAY

Board discusses necessity to Copy Data for Stone, so that he would bring it to Another Planet, Slider, and save it.

67. INT. IDENTIFIER ROOM – DAY

Star carries Keeper’s order, and heads for initial Database where knowledge is kept.

69.INT. ROOM OF IDENTIFIER – EVENING

Star puts Identification program to work, to Identify with Database.

4. Give us the updated Beat Sheet with the improvements you’ve made.

Act 1 & Act 2

1.EXT. COSMIC SPACE – NIGHT

Cosmic view of the planet REVOZVRANDER.

2.EXT. COSMIC SPACE – NIGHT

Revozvrander under snow, quickly turning.

3.EXT. ON THE GROUND – DAY

Snow landscape. Suddenly it gets burned. Huge stallion escapes into flames away from the planet.

4.EXT. FANTASTIC LANDSCAPE – DAY

Magnet’s crazy dream as predicament of future, as planet gets destroyed.

5.INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Magnet awakes at her bedroom she shares with her husband Crystallon.

6.EXT. FROZEN PLANE NEAR WOODS – AFTERNOON

Medieval scene, as they dig first shelter in the ground, warned by a witch of its dark doom.

7.INT. CEREMONY ROOM – AFTERNOON

Techno time. Wedding ceremony of Prince Agan.

8.INT. AGAN’S PLACE – AFTERNOON

They mourn Agan’s recent girl.

9.EXT. CEMETERY – AFTERNOON

Burial. Keepers Quartz and Lime, Hydro, and Lensor, get introduced.

10.INT. UNKNOWN LOCATIONS – DAY

Secret talk of Unknown Official, Unknown Military, and Unknown Rank Man.

11.INT. STAR’S ROOM UPSTAIRS – DAY

Star hides her hacking devices, to go.

12.INT. CRYSTAL’S ROOM UPSTAIRS – DAY

Crystal drinks pregnancy medicine.

13.INT. GATHERING ROOM – DAY

Platinum and Magnet disassemble IDENTIFIER, naming its parts. Keeper Quartz receives a phone call. They found one more guard for their group upon his request.

14.INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

Crystallon watches last news in the cafeteria.

15.EXT. SIDE ROAD – DAY

Silicium and Diamond arrive. Abalone Shell lets them inside.

16.INT. CORRIDOR AND LOBBY – DAY

Quartz welcomes Silicium and Diamond. Lensor and Tandem introduce oneself to new Guard. Diamond get acquainted with Cameo and Gilding.

17.INT. OFFICE – DAY

Crystallon returns. Tells Quartz of Stone in the news.

18.INT. LAB IN LIVING ROOM – DAY

Abalone Shell fights with his disgusting partner, Disheveled woman Omnivol.

19.INT. GATHERING ROOM – DAY

They watch snow falling.

20.INT. AT THE ELEVATORS – EVENING

All people go to elevators to take them down to underground habitation. Guards travel by the cargo one.

21.INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS

As elevator arrives and they open the door, it is all dark. Star is first to get out, and reports something is wrong down there.

22.INT. ROOM OF SILICIUM – NIGHT

Quartz follows Silicium into his room without him acknowledging that. Gives him strange prophecy.

23.INT. KEEPERS’ ROOM – NIGHT

Cameo vomits. Lensor crashes insect in crystals cluster, streaming lights.

24.INT. MAGNET’S ROOM – NIGHT

Magnet and Crystallon speak, mentioning death and Eternity.

25.INT. CORRIDOR ON TOP – NIGHT

Platinum bangs on the door of his room after he seen hallucination.

26.INT. PEPENDICULAR CORRIDOR ON SECOND FLOOR – NIGHT

Lensor and Silicium put electricity through all the night.

27.INT. CARBON’S DREAM – NIGHT

Carbon dreams of explosion.

28.EXT. RECOLLECTION – DAY

Recollection. Summer. Green grass. Carbon trains Gold’s son Pebble.

29.INT. OLD ELEVATOR ROCK PLATFORM ON TOP FLOOR – MORNING

Keepers and Guards observe old elevator.

30.INT. TOP PLATFORM – MORNING

Keepers and Lensor walk down the platform, discussing anomaly of the place.

31.INT. ROOM OF OMNIVOL – MORNING

Omnivol in her Room.

32.INT. SECOND FLOOR – MORNING

Lensor discusses Abalone Shell.

33.INT. TOP FLOOR – MORNING

Gold babysits Rami and Pebble. Rami asks about bat on top of elevator.

34.INT. ROOM OF OMNIVOL – MORNING

Disheveled discuss the place.

35.INT. KEEPER’S ROOM – MORNING

Board discussion.

36.INT. TOP PLATFORM – DAY

Common Gathering. Mindless refuse idea to exchange their shelter.

37.INT. TOP PLATFORM – DAY

Keepers decide to find info about their underground shelter.

38.INT. TOP FLOOR – DAY

They install IDENTIFIER.

39.INT. ROOM OF SILICIUM – AFTERNOON

Silicium talks to Diamond and Gilding. It’s a bit risky talk.

40.INT. OMNIVOL’S ROOM – DAY

Omnivol questions Identifier’s installation.

41.INT. BASEMENT – DAY

Tandem comes down to basement to speak with Omnivol, and notices piece of magma on her table.

42.INT. TOP PLATFORM – DAY

Tandem addresses Keeper Lime about Omnivol.

43.INT. YARD – AFTERNOON

Man gambling.

44.INT. ROOM OF OMNIVOL – NIGHT

Omnivol banishes rest of Disheveled behind the doors.

45.INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

Lime descends to check upon her.

46.INT. TOP FLOOR – NIGHT

Magnet walking top platform.

47. INT. OMNIVOL’S ROOM – NIGHT

Omnivol tells Abalone Shell of her discovery.

48.INT. OFFICE – MORNING

Quartz calls Stone over the phone. Stone is to leave Revozvrander for Another Planet Spinner on spacecraft.

49.INT. ROOM OF OMNIVOL – AFTERNOON

Omnivol mentions Disheveled circle she wants Cameo be sucrificed for the sake of experiment.

50.INT. SECOND PLATFORM – DAY

Star works on IDENTIFIER, searching for Info on their habitation.

51.INT. PLATFORM – MORNING

Platinum, Carbon and Tandem build additional staircase.

52.INT. DINNING ROOM – DAY

Blond Disheveled escapes dining room to steal pregnancy medicine from Crystal’s room.

53.INT. CRYSTAL’S ROOM – AFTERNOON

Crystal notices pregnancy medicine disappearance, but is saved by Platinum.

54.INT. TOP PLATFORM – AFTERNOON

Lensor and Silicium talk, observing commotion.

55.INT. TOP PLATFPRM – DAY

Quartz picks up Video to watch.

56.INT. TOP PLATFORM BEFORE KEEPER’S ROOM – DAY

Teens go into Keepers’ room to watch video, as women gather at the Second Floor at Mindless Headquarters.

57.INT. SECOND FLOOR – AFTERNOON

Lensor and Silicium talk to Platinum, who relates them an allegory.

58.INT. KEEPERS ROOM – AFTERNOON

Lensor and Silicium enter Keepers’ room right at the moment when video showcases image of headless child.

59.INT. YARD – AFTERNOON

Carbon and Silicium discuss all of it with Platinum.

60.INT. ROOM OF SILICIUM – AFTERNOON

Cameo tries to console Diamond.

61.INT. ROOM WITH IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON

Star notices link on research of planetary areas, their subject, which she cannot open.

62.INT. YARD – AFTERNOON

As Carbon and Silicium discuss all of it with Platinum, he is called upstairs.

63.INT. ROOM WITH IDENTIFIER – AFTERNOON

Star shows Keepers broken link, and they decide it is to be cracked for info.

64.INT. CRYSTAL’S ROOM – EVENING

Crystal tells Magnesium of predicament she feels, not to give any birth.

65. INT. IDENTIFIER ROOM – DAY

Star shows Keepers link’s content. Their shelter is one of first places to be unreachable in a future, as discovered during time machine experiment. That is a sign of Imminent Death.

66. INT. KEEPER’S ROOM – DAY

Board discusses necessity to Copy Data for Stone, so that he would bring it to Another Planet, Slider, and save it.

67. INT. IDENTIFIER ROOM – DAY

Star carries Keeper’s order, and heads for initial Database where knowledge is kept.

68.INT. SECOND FLOOR – EVENING

Lime decides to put all kid together for the night.

69.INT. ROOM OF IDENTIFIER – EVENING

Star puts Identification program to work, to Identify with Database.

70.INT. KEEPER’S ROOM – NIGHT

Quartz shows Lime and Hydro information on underground he discovered in printouts. Omnivol tries to reach Identifier, but is caught and turned away.

71.INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Magnet in a shower.

72.INT. ROOM OF PLATINUM AND TANDEM – NIGHT

Platinum and Gilding before intercourse.

73.INT. LIME’S DREAM – NIGHT

Lime’s allegorical dream featuring his distant lover.

[Rae Rodgers]

SWU Rewrite – Day 8

Assignment
Rae’s Elevated Story Beats:

What I learned from this assignment is SAVE YOUR WORK before posting in the
Forums! Several hours of work somehow got erased in the Forum posting. So
with all of this lost, I will be posting only a brief recap.

SELECT 3 SCENES TO IMPROVE AND TELL THE PURPOSE OF EACH SCENE YOU ARE IMPROVING.

GIVE “THE BEFORE AND AFTER” OF THE BEATS
POST THE UPDATED “BEAT SHEET” WITH THE IMPROVEMENTS MADE.

SCENE #1

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE/BATHROOM (LONG BEACH) – DAY

JESI JOHNSON (35), squats with spanner in hand, repairing a toilet. While her
contractor father JACKSON (59), shouts instructions from his recliner, his foot in
a cast.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Now, did you shut off the water?

JESI

Yes Dad.

She shakes her head in disbelief. Jesi is a natural beauty who could pull off a
runway strut just as successfully as a tomboy stunt. Motherless most of her
life, all she wants is to please her father.

JACKSON

And then you drained the tank?

JESI

Of course Dad.

JACKSON

Then you pulled the toilet off?

JESI

Yes Dad.

JACKSON

Give a yell if you need a hand to lift it back on. That’s one helluva heavy toilet.

JESI

All’s good, Daddy.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Now, see that worn wax seal under toilet bowl? Replace it with the new one
on the counter and then drop the toilet back on.

JESI

Dad, this is not my first rodeo.

Jesi resets the toilet, tightens the bolts while Jackson keeps shouting
instructions.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Now remember to tighten those bolts real good before you set the toilet back
on.

JESI

No worries, Dad.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Well if you’re gonna run my truck someday you need to know this stuff.

JESI

Got it, Dad.
(to herself)
Geez, what a mind drop.

SCENE 2:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Jesi tightens a final screw, stands, faces a full-length mirror and wipes the
sweat. She then checks the time, jumps in, takes a two minute shower. As she
steps out her cell rings.

JESI

(into phone)

Happy Birthday! I need the time and place.

(listens)

Okay, Lights on Pine St., eight o’clock – – and Gizelle, only for you!

She disconnects, slides into a tiny black dress, transforms before our eyes as
she piles on the make-up, more heavily around the eyes, twists her hair into a
high knot.

SCENE #3

INT. GAY CLUB – NIGHT

Stabbing lights. Music pulsing. Bodies dancing closely, all female. Jesi
and GIZELLE WELLS (35), a blonde who can’t help but look sexy, dance
together displaying their full on feminine.
A GAY WOMAN steps between them, tries to whisk Gizelle away in a dance.
Jesi grabs hold of her, keeps shoving her until she gets the message. She falls over
as she hurries away.

JESI

(to Gizelle)

Hey, it’s your birthday, it’s your night! You know I’m straight, right?

The two women laugh out loud and keep dancing.

[Caroline Fritz]

Caroline’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned: Just a little clarity works wonders.

ONE: Three scenes I would like to improve:
7. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Ella is asked by her boss to teach Nick Excel. She grudgingly agrees.

8. INT. BAR – NIGHT

Ella’s friends from work tell her that they like him. Ella feels betrayed.

19. INT. ELLA’S HOUSE -NIGHT

Ella tells her mother she will go out with the family friend.

TWO:
7. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Ella is asked by her boss to teach Nick Excel. She grudgingly agrees.
The purpose of this scene is to show how Ella is respected for her professionalism and business skills.

8. INT. BAR – NIGHT

Ella’s friends from work tell her that they like him. Ella feels betrayed.
The purpose of this scene is to show how women don’t stand up for each other.

19. INT. ELLA’S HOUSE -NIGHT

Ella tells her mother she will go out with the family friend.
The purpose of this scene is to show the hold that Angela holds over her family.

THREE:
7. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Before: Ella is asked by her boss to teach Nick Excel. She grudgingly agrees.
The purpose of this scene is to show how Ella is respected for her professionalism and business skills.
Brainstorm ideas:
Ella refuses
Ella is promised a promotion/raise

Ella is asked by James

Ella says nothing when James says something bad about Nick but realizes that James is the same as Nick.
After: Ella is approached by James, who asks her to help his new “idiot” secretary learn the basics of Excel. Ella is shocked by James’s unprofessionalism and says yes before she realizes what she has done.

8. INT. BAR – NIGHT

Before: Ella’s friends from work, Jesse and Claire, tell her that they like him. Ella feels betrayed.
The purpose of this scene is to show how women don’t stand up for each other.

Brainstorm ideas:

Jesse and Claire say she should get over it

Ella doesn’t say anything when they say how much they like Nick, taking away her ability to speak up for herself.

Claire says that Nick probably likes her, that is why he was mean to her.

After: Claire, Jessie and Ella go out after work. Claire and Jessie spend the time gossiping how cute Nick is and Ella probably was too sensitive. Ella says nothing.FOUR:

New Beat Sheet

1. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

Nick and his work pals are working on the construction site when Ella walks by. They cat-call her and she responds back.

2. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

Nick and his work pals are fired because their boss has not paid his taxes.

3. INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Nick’s girlfriend kicks him out of their shared apartment, and he must move back in with his parents.

4. INT. EMPLOYMENT OFFICE – DAY

Nick aces a typing test at an employment office and gets sent on an interview for an executive assistant.

5. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Nick is hired as an executive assistant at the same office Ella works, but he doesn’t know it. His boss, James, is a ball buster.

6. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Ella can’t believe her tormenter works in her office. She confronts Nick and he realizes who she is. She vows to make his life miserable.

7. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Ella is approached by James, who asks her to help his new “idiot” secretary learn the basics of Excel. Ella is shocked by James’s unprofessionalism and says yes before she realizes what she has done.

8. INT. BAR – NIGHT

Claire, Jessie and Ella go out after work. Claire and Jessie spend the time gossiping how cute Nick is and Ella probably was too sensitive. Ella says nothing.

9. INT. NICK’S HOME – NIGHT

Nick confesses to his mom that he was unnecessarily mean to Ella when she would walk by his construction site and now he works with her. She tells him to apologize. Sam invites him out to a bar to watch the game. Nick is thrilled.

10. INT. BAR – NIGHT

Nick and Sam sit at the bar and watch the game. He runs into Ray, his old boss, who tells him that he is getting a crew back together.

11. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Nick apologizes to Ella ham-handedly but she doesn’t think he is sincere. She decides to sabotage him.

12. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Nick tries to fit in to the office culture and has some success. He catches on quickly and is clever, impressing Ella. He connects with a customer, Harold West, who owns a building that Nick worked on.

13. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Nick invites Ella to lunch. She decides to go. Nick defends her from a boor on the street. Ella starts to thaw a bit. Ella’s mother is pressuring her to go out with a family friend. Ella resists.

14. INT. BAR – NIGHT
Nick, Ella and work friends, Jesse and Claire, go out to a bar after work. They run into Nick’s construction pals. Nick doesn’t take their bait and Ella overhears him defending her. Julie is there and wants to get back together. Nick says no and Ella overhears this. She decides to fix the sabotage.

15. INT. OFFICE – DAY
James goes ballistic when the mistake is discovered; Ella did not have time to fix it. She admits to making the mistake, but Nick takes responsibility and is fired.

16. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

Nick is walking home and sees Ray at a construction site. He stops and gets his old job back.

17. INT. OFFICE – DAY
Ella feels terrible about getting Nick fired. James asks her to help him by answering his phone.

18. EXT. BAR – NIGHT
Ella, Jessie and Claire walk to the bar that Nick hangs out at. They see him leaving with Julie. Ella puts on a good face but cries when she walks home.

19. INT. ELLA’S HOUSE -NIGHT

Ella dries her tears outside her house and composes herself before going in. Inside, Angela asks her how her day was and Ella tells her to have Edgar call her. Angela notices her puffy eyes but says nothing but “OK.”

20. INT. JULIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Julie asks Nick for forgiveness. Nick forgives her.

21. INT. OFFICE – DAY
OFFSCREEN: Harold West calls and asks about Nick. Ella tells him that Nick was let go. Harold asks for his number and Ella gives it to him. ONSCREEN: Ella goes on a date with Edgar.

22. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

Nick sees another man in a suit talking to Ray. The scene is familiar.

23. INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Nick enters the coffee shop and looks around for Ella. He instead sees a woman handing James a big envelope. Claire walks into a coffee shop and sees Nick. Nick asks about Ella. Claire says Nick should call her.

24. INT. OFFICE – DAY

James tells Ella he just saw Nick at the coffee shop. Claire tells Ella that Nick is working on a new building.

25. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – AFTERNOON

Ray tells Nick that Julie has been telling everyone they are back together had been seeing Elam throughout the summer.

26. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – AFTERNOON

Ella walks by the site but work has stopped for the day. Ella gets a text from Edgar and they set up a date.

27. INT. NICK’S PARENTS’ HOUSE – NIGHT

Julie keeps texting Nick. He doesn’t respond.

28. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – MORNING

Nick goes to the construction site but signs are posted that say No Trespassing. Nick tells the other workers what’s up.

29. INT. NICK’S PARENTS’ HOUSE – DAY

Nick stands in the kitchen and gets a call from Harold West inviting him to come down to his office for a chat.

30. INT. HAROLD WEST’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Nick meets Harold at his office. Harold offers Nick a job and says that Ella gave him his number. Nick accepts the job.

31. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Ella gets a text from Edgar and wants to crawl out of her skin. She puts on her coat to go get a coffee.

32. INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Ella gets in line and looks around. She sees Nick all dressed up talking to the blond from the bar. Julie is trying to talk to Nick about getting back together. Nick notices Ella leave the diner. He gets up and chases after her.

33. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK – DAY
Nick follows Ella back to the office building. Edgar is waiting for her and hugs her. Nick turns away.

34. INT. ELLA’S DESK – LATE AFTERNOON

Claire stops by Ella’s desk and Ella tells her she made a mistake and that she really likes Nick.

35. INT. BAR – NIGHT
Ella and Claire are at the bar. Ella runs into Nick by the bathrooms. They go outside.

36. EXT. CITY SIDEWALK – NIGHT

(Ella and Nick talk. Julie comes up to Nick and he tells her they are over. Ella confesses getting Nick fired. Nick forgives her. He thanks her for the job tip. They start over.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Caroline Fritz.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Caroline Fritz.

[Dan Hart]

WHAT I LEARNED. I am still behind so I’m putting my work in progress up here. I’ll fill in the last couple of lessons in the next few days.

If you’re intested in partnering up, you can probably just read the synopsis. The beat sheet is for me at this point and organized by color which I don’t have here.

In addition, I have just gone through the first two thirds.

DANCING WITH DEFEAT

America’s beloved quarterback, CHARLES I. “CHUCK IT” FARR, harboring a repressed ballerina complex, blows the Super Bowl, then seeks redemption by dancing against the world’s most eccentric soccer star, MANDONNA, and other celebrity losers.

In my football versus futbol comedy feature, DANCING WITH DEFEAT, the Super Bowl is tied. Time for one last play. Our hero quarterback fades back to pass. Cornered, he elevates like a ballerina, letting loose with a pass. BLAM! He’s knocked silly. Waking moments later, he jumps to his feet, celebrating, believing he’s won. Tragically, during his celebration, his pass was intercepted and run back for the winning touchdown.

Thus, quarterback CHARLES I. “CHUCK IT” FARR loses everything: Super Bowl, new contract, endorsements, fans and, most importantly his equally beloved wife, CHERYL FARR. For good measure, they break up on the Super Bowl postgame show. Chuck It Farr is hero to zero in one play.

For redemption, Chuck It competes on TV’s “Dancing with Defeat” against other celebrity losers including MANDONNA, the Elvis of soccer. Mandonna humiliates himself in a manner similar to Chuck It. No more a soccer demi-god, he’s just a “broke and broken” soccer player.

Chuck It can’t dance a lick until he remembers and embraces his toddler-aged ballerina brilliance. Only then can he find balance in his life, win Cheryl’s love back and win himself a Super Bowl.

Mandonna, the “Great Goaler Bear of Madrid,” loves polar bears. He spent his only billion dollars to secretly move scores of polar bears from the Arctic to the Antarctic. More ice toi be sure, but also “pinguinos”. Mandonna is racked by guilt that his bears have developed a taste for penguins.

Mandonna considers himself too famous to love or be loved. Even though he dances perfectly, Mandonna won’t touch his All-American partner, TAMMY. Yet, she’s the only person in the world who doesn’t know who he is.

The show’s megalomaniacal British producer, SIR SANDOR HOOD, schemes to destroy both men and their sports. On their way to the epic finals, Chuck It and Mandonna learn more than dance steps, recover love and save both footballs.

DANCING WITH DA’ FEET? What else ya’ going to dance with?

BEAT SHEET

DWD112621 — CHARACTER REPORT FOR ALL CHARACTERS

DETAIL:

1) Scene: EXT. SUPER BOWL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY P.1-4

EV 8

CI REVEALS CHARCTER -NEEDS WORK!

2) Scene: EXT. SUPER BOWL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY P.1-4

EV 6

heighten melody and cliff’s relationship. maybe foreshadow can’t versus can’t thing. cliff tells melody what she can’t and can’t do.

Play Up Cheryl catching her-mother betting. Leave button with Joan talking about nothings wrong with betting because she didn’t bet Chuck to win

3.)Scene: EXT. SUPER BOWL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY P.5-11

NEED ANIOTGHER BUTTON FOR MELODY: Honey, it’s better now. It’s too far to kick it. Charlie’ll win it!

4) Scene: EXT. SUPER BOWL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY P.5-11

EV 10

CI BLOWS SB. CONCUSSED. WANDERS AROUND FIELD REVEALING FEARS BELIEVING HE’S WON.

5) Scene: EXT. OUTSIDE STADIUM – NIGHT

EV 9 P.11-13

CI AND CHERYL ARRESTED OVER KERFLUFFEL ABOUT THE TODDLER HANDED TO CHERYL NEAR THE END OF THE GAME. REVEALS RELATIONSHIP WITH CHERYL. GOOD SCENE. MAY NEED BETTER BUTTON

Here Cheryl’s mother answers question about her betting and that she bet Charlie to lose. What’s wrong with that? It’s opens up the bedding I was another one of Chuck’s problems with NFL

6) Scene: EXT. SALT LAKE CITY SOCCER STADIUM – NIGHT P.14-17

EV 9

MANDONNA: (Spanish accent)NO!

MADONNA AT MLS CHAMPIONSHIP – PLAYS WITH HIS JHANDS IN HIS POCKETS TO HANDICAP HIMSELF VS. US PLAYERS. MANDONNA IS SUPPOSEDSLY HURT OVER THE HANDBALL AGAINST US IN WC.

Scene: INT. TENT – NIGHT P.18-19

MADONNA EXPLAINS WHAT HIS MOTIVES WERE TO REPORTERS. (OR INDEED, RAMSES, DOES. WE DON’T SEE MANDONNA’S HANDS. (YMAKE A JOKE HERE.)

7) Scene: FLASHBACK – INT. ESPY AWARDS STAGE – NIGHT P.17-18

EV 7

INTRO CI AND MANDONNA BACKSTORY. HEIGHTEN DIFFERENT WORLD VIEWS AS EXPRESSED BY DIFFERENT FOOTBALLS. MAYBE THE TWO BALLS TOGETHER AND SOLILOQUOY LIKE HAMLET.

8) Scene: EXT. POLICE STATION – DAY P.22-24

EV 4

CI AND CHERYL RELEASED FROM JAIL. LEARN ABOUT “DANCING WITH DEFEAT” REALITY SHOW. MORE JUSTIFICATION. NEEDS WORK.

9) Scene: INT. PRIVATE JET CABIN – CONTINUOUS

EV 7

CI ON AIRPLANE WITH GAME PREP. REVEALS HIS INABILITY TO RAISE ABOVE HIS FOOTBALL MIND. GOOD SCENE. NEEDS ADDITIONBAL THOUGHT.

10)SCENE- BALLLING FOOTABAALL IB CARAVAN- RETHINK SCENE p.24-27

EV 8

Scene: INT. PRIVATE JET – CONTINUOUS

MANDONNA FLIES TO LA WITH CREW. HEIGHTEN RAMSRES, EXPLAIN SOCCER HOLOLIAGNS AND TOUCH ON MAN’S OBSESSION WITH POLAR BEARS AND WHY HE IS. ANS. HE CAN LOVE THEM AND HE THINKS THEY LOVE HIM BACKK.

P.28-30

11)Scene: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD PARADE – DAY P.32

EV ? Rewrite!

Change scene to being thrown out by crowd or kicked out the soccer balls. Check it won’t throw the ball for fear of being charged with attack with a deadly weapon. Madonna looks on and stops crown by showing his hands. Just a bright light. Check it and crew I repelled by bright light

Watching parade on TV,Cheryl should reference betting problem with her mother.

12) Scene: INT. STAGE WINGS – DAY

EV 9

ON STAGE AT DWD. INTRO TO DWD AND CI’S BEING UNCOMFORTABLE IN ANY NON-FOOTBALL SITUATION.CHARCTRER iNTERTWINE WITH CLIFF YELLING. P.35-38

Mandonna intro in DANCING WITH DEFEAT. It should be in the reveal here in Mandonna’s ark

13) Scene: FLASHBACK – INT. ESPY AWARDS STAGE – NIGHT

EV 9

BACK STORY. CI AND MANDONNA’S RUN-IN AT ESPY’S. MANDONNA ACCIDENTALLY BREAKS LEG GETTING HIM SOLD TO MLS – GOOD LINE, BUT HEIGHTEN CHARCATER FLAW AND CHERYL’S GOONESS AND CODDLING CI. P.38-39

14) Scene: INT. DANCING WITH DEFEAT STAGE – CONTINUOUS P.40-46

EV 10

FIRST SCENE CI AND MANDONNA SHARE THOIUGHTS ON SITUATION.GOOD SCENE. ADD SOME MORE OF MANDONA’S INSIGHT INTO SANDOR AS SPORTS OWNER AND HOW BAD HE IS FROM MANDONNA’S POV.

Mandonna and Chuck argue about worth of fathers since Cliff car is so dominant in Chuck’s life

15) Scene: INT. CHUCK-IT AND EVA’S PRACTICE STUDIO – DAY P.46-4\

EV 6

CI AND EVA PRACTICE. EVA SIZES UP CI. GOOD SCENE. MIGHT NTRO CI TALKING POSITIVELY ABOUT CHERYL AND HIS PLAN TO GET HER BACK. EVA WANTS TO HOOK THUS GUY.

16) Scene: INT. MANDONNA AND TAMMY’S PRACTICE STUDIO – D… P.49-50

EV 9

Need a scene with Ramsey‘s here Explaining his relationship with Mandonna. Ramses will sort of fight off melodies help for Mandonna

Melody refers to Mandonna as “that poor man” who is manipulative by Ramses

Non-speaking.

Come up with a joke about Chuck’s handwriting

VERY IMPORTANT SCNE. MELODY BREAKS DOWN BARRIERS FOR MANDONNA AND RAMSES PUTS THEM RIGHT OUT AGAIN. MELODY SEES THROUGH RAMSES. CLIFF DOES HIS “CAN’T” ROUTINE HERE.

17) Scene: EXT. WALKWAY OUTSIDE THE TV STUDIO – DAY

EV 5

CI TRIES TO CHANGE BY LEAVING VOICE MAIL (VERSUS TEXTING). HE REVIEWS HIS FOOTBALL MIND. THEN EVA TEMPS INTERFERS WITH DANCE “PLAYBOOK”. P.50-56

Really get into the beauty of the two sports Mandonna might explain how many women he’s had. He loved and liked very many of them, but they always seem to disappear. Ramses overhears as a force smile check it catches

CHUCK-IT: (into phone)

Look, Sweetie. No hands. No text. I’m using voice mail. World’s gotta’ change, right? You gotta’ see this Mandonna. He’s so famous, he’s can’t be himself. Now, you know me. There’s me and then there’s the famous me. This dancin’ thing has opened up my mind a little. Maybe change my throwing motion a bit…Oops, bet you didn’t want to hear about football…Hey, I’m revamping my offense…Shoot, that’s talkin’ ball…I’m hiring a new staff…Darn, that doesn’t work either…I’m tryin’, Honey. I really am.

CHUCK-IT: What’s this?

CHUCK-IT: “The book I play with?” Oh, you mean my playbook?

(leafs through book)

The Foxtrot? That’s our dance this week? Slow. Slow. Quick. Quick.

CHUCK-IT: If I think about it, I can’t do it.

CHUCK-IT: That’s what my coach is always saying.

(thinks)

In football language, the Fox Trot is “down and out.”

CHUCK-IT: I can see that.

CHUCK-IT: Emory. What you doin’ here?

CHUCK-IT: (to Eva)

Emory’s sensitive about just being a kicker.

CHUCK-IT: Hey, Corey. Go out.

18) Scene: INT. THE VIEW STAGE – DAY P.57-69

EV ?

MELODY SDDURING THE VIDEOS SHOWN ON THE VIEW. SEE MELODY AS A YOUNG PERSON, SHE ALMOST LITERALLY DANCES TGHROUGH LIFE. CLIFF IS MORE PROSECUTORIAL THAN BEFOPRE. IT’S

19) Scene: INT. DANCING WITH DEFEAT STAGE – DAY

EV 10

GOOD SCENE. P.56-68

CHUCK-IT: Hut…hut…

CHUCK-IT: Warming up.

CHUCK-IT: (looks at his phone)

Well, I need a warm up and I gotta’ try to call my wife again. We always talk before games.

CHUCK-IT: That’s harsh.

CHUCK-IT: Had? You lost a billion bucks? Do we have the same mother-in-law?

CHUCK-IT: No baby Mandonnas?

CHUCK-IT: Wow. Who counted?

CHUCK-IT: Chuck-It with one woman forever and Chuck-It can’t get her pregnant.

CHUCK-IT: I thought I’d try third person.

CHUCK-IT: Tell me something. Did Mandonna really spend a billion dollars?

CHUCK-IT: A mom’s worth a billion. For sure.

CHUCK-IT: We have to compete against her?

CHUCK-IT: And ate him? You believe that?

CHUCK-IT: What do polar bears eat?

CHUCK-IT: Pinguinos? Sounds even cuter that way. You know the movie about the little penguin…pinguino…who danced? I cry like a baby every time I see it. Don’t know why exactly. But I don’t remember polar bears eating pinguinos. I thought it was a shark–

CHUCK-IT: Give it to charity…Mom? Dad? What happened to my brother?

CHUCK-IT: (to himself)

You know. I never go into the backyard. Not even in my head. But I do kind of remember that throw.

CHUCK-IT: Somebody’s playing a joke. Russians maybe.

19)Scene: INT. HOLLYWOOD – DANCING WITH DEFEAT STADIUM … P.69-72

EV ?

Maybe this is a good time for Cheryl and Joan to go to Hollywood.Big question who has checks toddler videos and what do they do with them?

Think about The View scene

CHUCK-IT: (freezes)

That’s what they called me at the Super Bowl.

CHUCK-IT: Fake.

CHUCK-IT: Not that!

CHUCK-IT: Something else. My mom likes dancing.

CHUCK-IT: “Words that bring balls?” Oh, you mean the snap count.

CHUCK-IT: Hurry. Hurry. Hut. Hut.

CHUCK-IT: Don’t say that!

CHUCK-IT: But I could hurt someone. My thrown football is a lethal weapon.

20)Scene: INT. DANCING WITH DEFEAT STAGE – NIGHT P.72-75

EV ?

CHUCK-IT: Her mother is–

CHUCK-IT: No, no. She’s not really sick. She just gambles a lot.

CHUCK-IT: Most of the money she gambles is ours. Lucky, we have some. Otherwise, she’s nice.

CHUCK-IT: That was only after big games.

21) Scene: EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD – DAY P.75-82

REVEAL MORE ABOUT THE TWO MYSTERIES OF MANDONNA’S HANDS AND CI’S LUCKY CHARM HE RUBS AT MOMENTS OF STRESS. HEIGHTEN THESE TWO THINGS. HEIGHTEN RAMSES CONTROL.

END OF REVIEW 3/4/2022

MELODY STIULL TRIES TO BREAK IT EASY WIRTH CHUCK.HE’S NOT BUYINHG IT.

CHUCK-IT: The worst was being away from my wife and home. Like now.

CHUCK-IT: Didn’t you want a family?

CHUCK-IT: You let that guy, Ramses, have a lot of power over you.

CHUCK-IT: Do you think Hood has bad intentions with this game of his?

CHUCK-IT: You know how many cities I stayed in but never saw?

CHUCK-IT: Ha! The only Disneyland I ever went to is in France. Nobody knows me.

CHUCK-IT: You a room service guy?

CHUCK-IT: Are those the Golden Arches?

CHUCK-IT: My mother and I have these lucky charms. Same thing encased in this plastic here. Don’t know what it is. She won’t tell me.

CHUCK-IT: Only the most important one.

CHUCK-IT: My wife, who is still my wife, calls them my “keys to unhappiness.” Losses. Two NFC Championships and a Super Bowl. I call them motivation.

CHUCK-IT: It’s my lucky charm.

CHUCK-IT: My cleats?

CHUCK-IT: What did I just do?

CHUCK-IT: I’m going to lose the competition tonight. Then, they’ll have to let Cheryl join me in exile.

CHUCK-IT: All those people telling me, I’m a good dancer. No, I’m not. I’m a quarterback. I can’t dance. Maybe there’s some little dude dancing inside me, but I’m a grown ass quarterback. I’m not switching the football guy for the little dancer.

CHUCK-IT: Don’t you? Who’s inside you?

CHUCK-IT: For the game?

22) Scene: INT. DANCING WITH DEFEAT STAGE – NIGHT P.82-83

EV ?

Non-speaking.

23) Scene: INT. BACK STAGE – CONTINUOUS P.83-84

EV ?

CHUCK-IT: Who’s that? They’re hot.

CHUCK-IT: When?

CHUCK-IT: Now? Am I missing something?

CHUCK-IT: He’s not president anymore.

CHUCK-IT: Sandor won’t make us computers any more and you’re not going to be a Communist…unless you want to be. Let’s win.

24) Scene: INT. CHUCK-IT’S DRESSING ROOM – DAY P.88-90

EV ?

CHUCK-IT: Hood’s unveiling his computer game tonight.

CHUCK-IT: I’m not playin’, Dad. Just talkin’.

CHUCK-IT: I know. Mom told me.

CHUCK-IT: Or a dancer?

CHUCK-IT: “Can’t dance” and “can’t dance.” They are different. My dad says I can dance! I’m not bad at it?

25) Scene: INT. DANCING WITH DEFEAT STAGE – NIGHT P.90-91

EV ?

Non-speaking.

26) Scene: INT. UNITED NATIONS SECURITY COUNCIL CHAMBER … P.91-93

EV ?

CHUCK-IT: I know you’re having fun, but would you please listen? My friend Mandonna has this foot thing all wrong.

(holds football)

This ball is called a football because it’s a foot long.

CHUCK-IT: Yes, it’s called a “pig skin.”

CHUCK-IT: No. No. It’s really cow hide.

(points at ball)

“Genuine cow hide.” Says right here.

(boos start)

Well, at least no American football game I’m aware of ever used a human head.

(to massive boos)

Ooops, that was pretty stupid.

(holds up American football)

See. It’s not even shaped like a head. Couldn’t do it!

27) Scene: INT. CHUCK-IT’S DRESSING ROOM – CONTINUOUS P.98-99

EV ?

CHUCK-IT: Just practicing for tonight.

CHUCK-IT: I have an idea.

28) Scene: EXT. LOS ANGELES ZOO – DAY

EV ? P.99-102

CHUCK-IT: Why didn’t you kick it?

CHUCK-IT: Just my offensive line.

CHUCK-IT: We’ve all been deceived….Let me ask you a question. Why polar bears?

CHUCK-IT: Like you? Maybe?

CHUCK-IT: This is fish, isn’t it?

CHUCK-IT: Wait a minute. In the dancing penguin…er, pinquino movie, there were no bears.

CHUCK-IT: Who’s we?

CHUCK-IT: And you spent a billion dollars?

CHUCK-IT: (sotto)

I don’t want to offend, but doesn’t Ramses have too much power over you?

CHUCK-IT: My wife won’t talk to me, so I communicate through the show with hand signals.

(shows hook ‘em horns)

Sandor Hood makes it look like I love Eva. And Eva is helping him.

CHUCK-IT: How? I call. No answer. If I leave the show, I’m exiled.

CHUCK-IT: I’d look like a real loser.

CHUCK-IT: (to Zookeeper)

Isn’t that dangerous?

CHUCK-IT: Mandonna pays for the exhibit? How? He’s broke.

CHUCK-IT: Does Fluffy think this is a penguin?

CHUCK-IT: Wasn’t she in Antarctica?

Scene: LATER P.104-111

CHUCK-IT: There is more to life than football. Dance!

(to entourages)

There may even be some who are courageous enough to dance with you.

CHUCK-IT: You worked with Sandor and Ramses to sell out Russian children? For gold?

CHUCK-IT: Find someone else to dig. Our playbook is closed.

CHUCK-IT: This is dedicated to my dear mother, Melody Farr, and my wonderful wife, Cheryl, who I love very much.

CHUCK-IT: Thanks, Dad.

CHUCK-IT: (to the camera)

I miss you, honey. The good about losing big games or just being a loser, was that it was nothing compared to the pain of losing you.

CHUCK-IT: Cheryl, will you dance with me?

CHUCK-IT: This vote is not real. Sandor Hood decided who won. How else could I have reached the finals? However, I will accept my loss and exile because Mandonna is the superior dancer.

CHUCK-IT: Sandor Hood is buying up the world’s football fields and spreading lies about the safety of grass. Our children are losing their places to play.

(turns to Mandonna)

And to my friend Mandonna, all the money you believed gone was stolen by Ramses. No bear was ever moved. No penguin ever eaten.

CHUCK-IT: Authorities have taken steps that have identified all of your stolen assets. They are frozen–

CHUCK-IT: In the banks.

CHUCK-IT: All footballers will join us. We will protect these fields from predators like–

CHUCK-IT: You are the unscrupulous character.

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is that I needed to modify, move, and add scenes to move my secondary character from old ways to new ways throughout the screenplay so I made many changes.

I also added scenes where the bad guys get reinforcements that didn’t ask for (assassins to kill them since they screwed up).

I won’t include the beat sheet here since it’s getting long and I have to number it by hand because I can’t figure out how to get the software to do it for me.

I’m up to 113 scenes.

[Rebecca Jordan]

Rebecca’s elevated story beats. #8

What I learned from doing this assignment is that I need to be more organized from the beginning and will now know how to do that. Also, learned that there are so many choices that can be made and elevating can be endless. Purpose, purpose, purpose!!!

1. (E10) EXT. FESTIVAL – DUSK PURPOSE: Introduce Rachel (Hero) as musician. Moved inciting event to just before opening. Rachel has just found out that her Uncle Ben has killed himself.

STAGE – The MC introduces the band. Cheers from the eager crowd swell. DRUMMER starts a slow sexy familiar beat. A rumble of recognition as the crowd closes in on the stage. Rachel is late, the crowd is restless.

2. (E10) BACK STAGE, PARKING LOT –

PAUL, 50’s, lead guitarist, meets Rachel in the lot as her truck swoops into a spot and parks.
They unload the truck and jog to the stage.

c) Rachel tells Paul her Uncle killed shot himself in the head.

d) They unpack Rachel’s guitar and run on stage. Crowd goes nuts.

3. (E10) EXT. FESTIVAL – NIGHT

MUSIC. The band rocks out their final encore! (Suggested: Rebels by Tom Petty, or original Soldier On).

AUDIENCE

A wavy sea of lighters sway back and forth and dance in the dark to the rhythm of the MUSIC. The tide rolls in and hugs the stage as the song erupts to its finish.

STAGE

Rachel, statuesque center stage, resembles a triumphant warrior in one of her own paintings. Her tambourine held high quivers to a climax. Rachel belts her last note. Band follows with an extended flourish. Budump!!

The crowd howls and chants for more. “One more! One more!”

RACHEL

Thank you everyone! You’re awesome. Thanks for having us here. It’s been a great pleasure playing for you tonight. See you next time. You rock!

On their way off, the Band bows and waves. More excitement from the crowd.

4. EXT. BACK STAGE – CONTINUOUS Elevated by having Rachel accept invite instead of decline.

Paul convinces Rachel to come by for the after party to take a break from her memoir and be with people who love her.

5. (E7) EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE – LATER Added for emotion and Paul connection.

Rachel says goodnight to Paul. We find out that Rachel thought that by writing her memoir, other than being commissioned and making money, she would also be absolved of the need to see her Mom again. But now that her Uncle is dead…

6. (E9) EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY – MOMENTS LATER

Truck cruises along a vast dark country road.

MONTAGE

7. EXT. CHICAGO, BUCKINGHAM FOUNTAIN – DAY 1972

RACHEL, 8, with WILLY, 6, her Spanish speaking spitting image. They laugh and jump. Taunt waves at one another.

THE GRASS

Rachel’s Mom, 26, poised on a blanket. Wears a straw wide brimmed hat to protect her fair skin. She reads an interesting book. Looks up. Smiles at the kids. Waves. Back to book.

8. EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – DAY 1973

Rachel, 9, waits outside for her brother, Willy.

Willy exits, sees Rachel and runs into her arms.

9. EXT. PARK – MOMENTS LATER

Rachel pushes Willy in a swing.

10. EXT. HIGH RISE – CONTINUOUS

Rachel walks Willy home.

BACK TO:

11. (E7) EXT. FARM, DRIVEWAY – CONTINUOUS

Rachel arrives at the farm where she lives.

MONTAGE

12. (E8) EXT. RANCH – DAY 1974

chicken coup catch a duck for dinner

13. (E5) EXT. ARENA – DAY 1974

Rachel, rides the Palomino western style, practices barrel racing techniques. HILLARY, late 20’s, tall statuesque beauty, side coaches afoot from the other side of the fence.

14. (E7) INT. ARENA – DUSK 1974

Rachel rides a chestnut English style, alongside older more experienced teen agers. They practice jumps. Cue Rachel from the other side and pass a joint. Someone offers Rachel a joint. She takes it not sure what to do with it. One of the teens gives her a quick lesson. She chokes a little. They laugh, “she’s christened” and head out for a trail ride.

BACK TO:

15. (E5) EXT. FARM – CONTINUOUS Transition scene

RACHEL’S BARN

Rachel’s truck approaches. Passes several barns and a large house. Parks in front of the small well-lit barn transformed into a little house, just steps away from a much larger horse barn.

Rachel hops out. Unloads the truck.

16. (E9) INT. HORSE BARN – MOMENTS LATER

Rachel now in a flannel button down and tall rubber boots, cares for and loves on the horse. Feeds and waters.

17. (E7) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – CONTINUOUS

Rachel enters. Slips out of her boots. Hangs her jacket on the hook. Flips open the laptop on her desk. Pours herself a scotch. Sips. Looks at the pic board as she rolls a joint. Lights up. Long drag. She looks through the box of photos. Finds some old pictures of the Ranch with horses and a chicken coup and cattle. Studies a picture of Hillary and Cliff watching Rachel, 10, milk a cow. Laughs.

MONTAGE

18. (E7) INT. FARM, DINING ROOM – NIGHT 1974

Rachel discovers she is eating the duck they caught at dinner with Cliff and Hillary.

19. (E6) INT. FARM, DINING ROOM – LATER

Rachel shows Hillary and Cliff her drawings and aptitude for art like her mom and uncle. Tries duck

20. (E8) INT. HIGH RISE – HALLWAY – DAY 1974

Hillary brings Rachel back home to her Mom who has just returned from a long trip.

21. INT. HIGH RISE – APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Rachel is uncomfortable with her Mom. Prefers Hillary. Mom judges Rachel.

BACK TO:

22. (E8) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – LATER

Rachel finds a picture of Willy, at age 3.

23. (E8) EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – DAY 1973

Rachel waits in a blizzard, outside the chain link fence, for Willy.

24. (E8) INT. SAN JUAN AIRPORT – DAY 1972

Rachel, 8, meets her Dad who she at first thinks is an Uncle.

BACK TO:

25. (E8) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – CONTINUOUS

Rachel, drunk, pins a photograph of her Dad looking looking like a young Puerto Rican Elvis in his white straw rimmed hat, holding a newborn Rachel.

Then finds a picture of herself,16, with Uncle Ben looking super cool in his Ray bans and groovy belt buckle.

She inspects the pic, curses at it and blames Uncle Ben’s act of suicide on the fact that she now has to edit her nearly finished memoir,

26. INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MORNING

Rachel past out on the couch in the same clothes.

Aunt Nina calls (MOVED***Inciting Incident to moment before opening; when Rachel hears the message from Nina about Uncle Ben’s suicide. But Rachel hasn’t called Nina back yet. Need to adjust dialogue to, “did you get my message?”…)

20. Moved up. now #25

27. INT. RACHEL’S BARN – DAY

Rachel enters. Hangs her plaid jacket on the hook. Steps out of her boots. Sits at her desk. Reads the computer screen. Cradles her head in her hands. Fake cries. Quiet. Still.

Then moans. Agony. Lights a joint.

KITCHEN

Makes another cup of coffee.

Back to the pic board. Inspects a faded black and white photo now pinned next to the pic of Rachel with her Uncle Ben. Two young men in combat camos and hard hats. It’s uncle Ben, 20’s with Rachel’s DAD 20, Puerto Rican with the charm of Elvis.28. (E9)

28. INT. DINING ROOM (NINA’S HOUSE) – DAY 1976 (*** May swap these next 2 scenes)

Family feud on Easter. Mom/Beth shows up way late after Easter dinner, proceeds to kill the vibe and then proceeds to criticize the way her family takes care of Rachel. Bad influence. Family gangs up on Beth for her negligence and lack of gratitude. *****Uncle Ben is introduced. ****Need to elevate Ben’s traits here, just a bit.

BACK TO:

29. (E8) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – EVENING Transition

Rachel, at the computer, finishes a scotch. Pours another. Paces. Picks up a picture of Beth.

RACHEL

So where you at these days? Hmmmm… Mummy Dearest?

30. (E8) INT. HIGH RISE APT – EVENING 1973

The living room cast in blue while the voice of Shirley Temple croons from a tiny black and white screen TV propped on a chest. Rachel plays with her barbies. Phone rings. Mom calls to check in and finds out that Willy didn’t make it home from school.

BACK TO:

31. (E9) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – LATER

Dark MUSIC. Rachel, in time with the music, hurls furious gut wrenching strokes of black and blue paint onto a partially realized painting.

A loud knock at the door. Rachel jumps and screams.

AUNT NINA

Yoo-hoo!!!!

Aunt Nina stops by unexpectedly with the last address she has for Mom/Beth. She also brings some boxes that Mom left in her basement.

32. (E9) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MOMENTS LATER

Rachel holds the piece of paper with the address on it in one hand. Hits a joint with her other. Threatens to light the piece of paper on fire. Instead, balls it up and tosses it into the trash.

Grabs her jacket with conviction. Steps into her boots. Throws back the rest of a scotch. Slams door on her way out.

33. (E9) INT. BIG BARN – CONTINUOUS

Rachel, tipsy, feeds horses and tops off their water. Talks things through with the horses. Therapy.

34. (E7) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MORNING

Disarray. Rachel, still covered in paint. Already has a fresh cup of coffee. Sees the overstuffed trash can. Dumps it and finds the wad with the address on it. Irons it flat. Stares at it. Sips coffee.

Googles the address. Too far. On hold with town’s police station to have them go to her Mom’s house with a message to call her.

35. (E8) EXT. PRIVATE SCHOOL – DAY 1973

Rachel’s Dad unexpectedly visits her at school. She feels special.

BACK TO:

36. (E7) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MOMENTS LATER

On speaker phone with police station. Rachel has a message sent to her Mom’s house to call her.

37. (E9) LOFT

Rachel on the bed. Stares at the ceiling. Hits the joint.

38. (E9) EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – DAY 1973

Blizzard. School yard covered in snow. Rachel, 9, waits outside the chain link fence. Dad just around the corner puts Willy in the back seat of the rental car.

39. EXT. EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – CONTINUOUS

Rachel still waits at the chain link fence. The car slowly rides by. Willy’s eyes on her from the back seat.

Rachel pulls her hood over her head. Leaves.

BACK TO:

40. (E9) LOFT – CONTINUOUS

Rachel swipes tears from her cheeks and neck. Stubs out the joint. Goes to her closet. Pulls hangers. Violently throws clothes on the bed.

41. (E5) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – EVENING

Rachel dressed sexy. Finishes make up at the mirror. Lipstick. Fixes hair. Throws back the rest of a scotch. Grabs a different jacket. Checks the mirror, again. Leaves.

42. (E6) INT. PUB – NIGHT

Local pub with the usuals. MUSIC on the juke box.

Rachel, at the bar, drinks beer and shots with BUCK, 50, handsome, fit farmer. They’re drunk. Laughing. Bumping into each other.

43. (E9) INT. LOFT – LATER

Rachel and Buck have stupid drunk sex.

44. (E7) INT. RACHEL’S BARN – MORNING

LOFT

Rachel wakes Buck, tells him he’s gotta go.

***Clean up this transition.

45. INT. RACHEL’S BARN – CONTINUOUS

Buck awkwardly climbs down the ladder from the loft. Rachel gives him a coffee to go and kicks him out. Dials a number and puts phone on speaker. Paces. Takes a picture of Beth from the board. Sneers hard at it.

47. (E7) INT. HIGH RISE APT – NIGHT 1973

Winter. Moon lights the living room through a wall of windows. SOUND, static of walkies over slushy traffic from Lake Shore Drive.

Three OFFICERS huddle in a circle. Beth paces. Erratic. Exchanges on walkies. Rachel, 9, perched in the corner of the couch, rocking back and forth, weeping.

Phone rings.

BETH AND RACHEL (OS)

Hello.

BACK TO:

48. (E-3) INT. RACHEL’S BARN (I’m okay with this transition. It finishes a long heavy section.)

Rachel on speaker phone, second call to police station. No news. Officer left a note for Mom.

49. (E-3) INT. LOFT – DAY

Rachel, hair wet, dresses with purpose. Whips articles of clothing from drawers to duffel bag. Shoves it all in. Zips it up. Drops it over the ledge.

50. (E3) EXT. RACHEL’S BARN – MOMENTS LATER (***** Purpose check****- I think this transitional grouping 50-52 actually shows a call to action after just having revealed a bit of mystery to create curiosity. I edited a little and will look again later.)

Rachel tosses her duffel bag and guitar into her truck. Off to the barn. Slides the big door open. Whinnies of delight are heard from the stalls.

Rachel finishes up her work and leaves, many goodbyes and kisses later.

51. TRUCK

Rachel, behind the wheel, coasts up the road. Sees FARM OWNERS, 60’s, on their lawn. Waves. Rolls the window down. Thanks them.

52. INT. PICK UP TRUCK – DUSK

Rachel, at the wheel, sings along to MUSIC. The scalding sun hovers like a raging fire alongside the desolate thirsty highway. Rachel hits off her Jack and chases with bottled water. Turns the music off. The sound of wind and tires turning on the pavement.

53. (E-8) EXT. PUBLIC SCHOOL YARD – DAY 1973

Snow flurries create a blur. Rachel at the chain link fence. Willy’s eyes on her from a hole in the fogged up back seat window as it slowly fogs back up. Slush SPLASHES on the street. Rachel pulls her hood over her head. Leaves.

54. EXT. PARK – MOMENTS LATER

Deserted. Stillness. Swings covered in snow.

55. EXT. HIGH RISE BUILDING – MOMENTS LATER

Rachel on the corner turns full circle, takes a final scan, squints to see through the snowy sky. Nothing. Resigned, she slowly disappears a she rounds the turnstile into the high rise building.

BACK TO:

56. (E-6) EXT. ROAD – EVENING

TRUCK

Rachel suddenly pulls off to the side of the road. Discouraged. Smokes some weed. Resets. Then. Screeches back onto the road. Takes a deep angry breath. Pounds on the steering wheel. Chants the fuck song.

A long wide country road. Pedal to the metal. Flips MUSIC on loud. Rachel thrashes in rhythm.

57. (E-7) EXT. BETH’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Rachel arrives at what she thinks may be her Mom’s house. Turns MUSIC down. Meets Glen and Sheila who are renting her mom’s house. They invite her in. She declines.

58. (E-7) EXT. GAS STATION – CONTINUOUS

Rachel pumps gas. Sees the pub next-door.

59. (E-7) INT. PUB – LATER

Rachel, at the bar. Parties with GUY. Waves off his advances. He’s belligerent.

60. (E-5) INT. PICK UP TRUCK -CONTINUOUS (May need to elevate entertainment here. It does set up the next moment…)

Rachel cruises along the deserted highway. Answers Paul’s call. She missed rehearsal.

(E-8) INT. PICK UP TRUCK – CONTINUOUS

Rachel, distracted, looks for a lighter, crashes the car into a light post. Bumps her head. Freezes. Touches her head. Looks in the mirror. Looks around. It’s a ghost town.

61. (E-7) EXT. ROADSIDE – LATER

Rachel has pulled off to side of the road. TOW GUY, 40’s, hooks her truck up to his rig..,

62. (E-7) INT. TOW TRUCK – CONTINUOUS

Rachel tucked in the passenger seat with her bag and guitar piled on her lap. Tow Guy drives. Silence. Drops her off at Glen and Sheila’s house. Rachel flips him off.

63. (E-5) EXT. BETH’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS (I will leave these (63-67) alone for now. The should evoke emotion.)

Rachel sits on the stoop. Checks the time. Wraps her jacket around her.

64. EXT. BEACH – DAWN 1977

Rachel takes in the sun as it rises over the lake.

65. (E-4) EXT. THE HEDGES – CONTINUOUS

Rachel disappears into the hedges that line the corner mansion.

She finds a small concealed clearing on the grass. Curls up into a ball tries to cover herself with the jacket.

BACK TO:

_______________________________ACT 2___________________________________

66. (E-6) INT. GUEST ROOM – NIGHT (***CONTINUE TO WORK ON the deeper PURPOSE OF THIS SCENE. Turning Point.)

Rachel in awe of Glen and Sheila, in their pajamas, having invited her in to spend the night in their guest room. They turndown the bed and get her towels; show her the hotel drawer with all the soaps and shampoos, etc.

67. GUEST ROOM

Once alone, Rachel opens the hotel drawer, takes out some cotton balls and antiseptic. Looks in the mirror. Cleans her wound. It stings.

68. (E-9) EXT. STREET – EVENING 1977

Rachel, 13, scantily dressed, from a mother’s point of view, with a big purse over her shoulder, waits at the corner for the light to change, then hurriedly crosses the street and heads toward a row of brown stone apartment buildings.

69. EXT. BROWN STONE – CONTINUOUS

She stops at the entrance, spits into a tissue and swipes the makeup off her face and lips. Pops a piece of gum in her mouth. Takes a more age appropriate shirt from her purse and throws it over her the one she has on.

70. (E-9) INT. BROWN STONE APARTMENT, HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Rachel skulks down the dimly lit hallway toward her bedroom door. Voices come from the dining room at the end of the hall. Just as Rachel ducks into her room, Beth enters from the dining room. She wears a kimono. Hair in place with chop sticks.

BETH

You’re late for dinner. I told you to be home before dark.

71. INT. DINING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

At the dinner table. Silence. Beth and MASA, 28, Rachel’s Japanese speaking stepfather, athletic build, watch with disapproval as Rachel moves the food around on her plate.

Rachel’s leg shakes under the table causing the table to rattle. She dumps soy sauce over her rice and has separated all of the water chestnuts from the rest of her meal.

Masa pounds on the table.

Beth finds an extension cord. Turns it into a whip. Heads toward Rachel’s bedroom. Bullies her way in.

72. INT. HALLWAY

The bedroom door opens. Rachel peeks out of her room. Looks both ways. Duffel bag in tow, Rachel tippy toes to the kitchen. Carefully slips out the back door.

BACK TO:

73. (E-4) INT. GUEST ROOM – NIGHT (***this is okay, quick transition, lets us know where she’s at in her story – could be entertaining… and jumps us off two the next beat from prior beat.)

Lap top falls to the floor. Rachel starts awake. Gives in and smokes some weed, blows it out the window. Gets a bottle of water. Reads what she’s written.

74. (E-7) INT. STEW’S APT – HALLWAY – NIGHT 1977

CARLEE, 40, Stew’s mom, eccentric with wild hair, in her bedroom at the end of the hall. She wears a long silk robe over a black negligee. Smokes a joint. She sashays about the room, looking at herself in the mirror. Hums along to MUSIC.

74a. INT. STEW’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Wakes Stew and Rachel in the middle of the night and out of the blue sends Rachel home on her own.

74a. Carlee pleads outside Stew’s door for Rachel to leave.

74b.

74c.

75. INT. STAIRWELL – CONTINUOUS

76. EXT. STEW’S BUILDING – CONTINUOUS

77. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET – CONTINUOUS

78. (E-8) INT. FOYER OF APARTMENT BLDG – LATER

Rachel gets entry to an apartment building and piles up her bags in the corner under the stairwell to make a pillow, curls up, tries to get as comfortable and as concealed as possible. Swollen, heavy, bloodshot sockets.

79. INT. FOYER – DAWN

Rachel sleeps, still curled up in the same position.

The SOUND of a door being closed and locked just a couple of flights above her.

Rachel jolts awake.

The SOUND of footsteps descend the stairs.

Rachel jumps up, quickly gathers her things and quietly slips out the door.

80. (E-9) EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING – CONTINUOUS

Rachel walks quickly to the sidewalk.

A BUSINESS MAN, 30’s, emerges from the building. Walks briskly as he buttons up his jacket. He is startled when he looks up to see Rachel standing in his path, but immediately dismisses her and continues down the street. Rachel spins, uncertain where to go.

81. (E-6) EXT. BEACH – CONTINUOUS (this is a callback to show how she got there, ie. concept.)

Rachel, 13, stands at the corner. Takes in the rising sun. It’s reflection on the horizon of the lake.

BACK TO:

82. (E-6) INT. GUEST ROOM – MORNING (Transition to emotional recall build.)

Rachel, in bed awake. Takes a moment to recall where she is. Looks in the mirror at the bags under her eyes. A small patch of dried blood on her forehead.

Digs in her duffel. Then remembers the sock next to the bed. Takes a couple bumps from last nights packet.

Grabs the towel and her toiletries.

83. (E-6) INT. SHOWER – MOMENTS LATER

Rachel showers. Water pours over her face.

84. (E-7) INT. STEW’S APARTMENT – MORNING 1977

Kitchen door opens. Rachel, 13, peeks her head in. Listens for a moment, then tip toes through the kitchen and stops. Peers down the long hallway. All clear. Rachel glides down the hall and disappears into the bathroom. SOUND of the shower being turned on.

*******SMOOTH OUT FROM HERE DOWN TO BREAKFAST WITH G AND S. Maybe Jenny’s story is during the ride in the truck until it pulls up in front of the diner.

85. (E-8) INT. DINER – DAY 1977

Rachel at a booth by the window, dressed nice with make up, drinks coffee and smokes a cig. The want ads are open in front of her. Several job listings have been circled, but one in particular is heavily circled with notes written on it. Rachel stubs out her cigarette. Ashtray is full. **** Add back in convo with waitress about hiring.

86. (E-7) EXT. DINER – MOMENTS LATER

A black Mercedes rolls up and stops in front of the diner. NORM, mid 40’s, stocky, bald, gets out of the car. Waves.

Rachel meets Norm at the car. He puts her bags in the trunk. Drives off.

87. INT. JENNY’S ROOM – NIGHT

88. (E-8) INT. NORM’S STUDIO

89. NORM”S CAR – MORNING

Silence… A different day. Tension. Norm jaw locked. Looks straight ahead. Rachel, in the passenger seat, holds her bags tightly on her lap. Looks out her window. Finally. Norm abruptly pulls over onto the side of the road. Let’s Rachel out to hitch a ride.

90. (E-8) EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD – CONTINUOUS

Norm peels off. Makes a U turn. Rachel flips him off.

91. HIGHWAY RAMP

Rachel lights a smoke. Sticks her thumb up whenever a car or truck passes. Eventually, a huge red Mac truck slows. Passes by Rachel. Pulls over and stops. Rachel runs to the truck. Climbs in.

92. EXT. (E-7) DINER – CONTINUOUS

Mac truck pulls up and stops in front of the diner. Rachel climbs down from the truck. Crosses the street and enters the diner. She can be seen inside the diner talking to the waitress. The waitress disappears into the back leaving Rachel sitting alone at the same booth. She looks out the same window, drinks coffee and smokes a cig.

71. (E-8) INT. NORM’S PHOTO STUDIO – NIGHT

Rachel sits frozen on a wooden stool. She wears make up and red lipstick. Hair tousled, tries to be sexy.

Norm crouches. Looks through his camera lens. Rachel sees Jenny standing in the doorway.

Jenny, messy braids, holds her doll. Tears spring from her eyes. Norm takes her back to bed, leaving Rachel alone.

74. (E-5) INT. JENNY’S ROOM – NIGHT (This should evoke built up emotion.)

Every little girl’s fairy tale room. Jenny snuggled up on the bed of pink clouds, asleep in the crook of Rachel’s elbow. Finishes the last few lines. The End. Rachel tucks Jenny in. Looks at the whole of the room.

75. (E-7) EXT. DINER – CONTINUOUS

The waitress returns with an apron and paperwork/schedule for Rachel. Rachel stubs out another cig. Finishes her coffee. Says goodbye and leaves the diner. Walks down the street toward the L station.

BACK TO:

93. (E-8) INT. BETH’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – MORNING

Rachel at the kitchen table has breakfast with Glen and Sheila. Glen gives Rachel an old PO Box address where they used to send THE rents checks. They talk about having met Rachel’s mom and show her the handy work she’s done around the house.

94. (E-8) INT. GUEST ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Rachel, sits on the bed with bags and guitar in hand, overwhelmed with feelings. Takes deep breaths.

95. (E-9) INT. SMALL HIGH RISE APT – NIGHT 1973

Winter. Moon lights the living room. A wall of windows. SOUND of wet traffic from the drive below.

Three OFFICERS huddle in a circle. Exchanges on walkies. Rachel, 9, perched in the corner of the couch, rocking back and forth, weeping. Phone rings. Beth answers.

This time, Rachel remembers the entire phone call to the end..

BACK TO:

96. (E-8) INT. GUEST ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Rachel still on the bed. Hugs her things tightly. Tears roll relentlessly down her cheeks.

97. (E-2) EXT. TOW TRUCK LOT – DAY (Transition, maybe elevate the deeper meaning of the turning point…)

Rachel exits the Tow truck office. Gets her duffel, guitar and care package from the bench. Sees Glen and Sheila still waiting. Smiles. Waves vigorously. Glen and Sheila ride off waving back.

98. (E-6) INT. TRUCK – CONTINUOUS

On the road again. Turns MUSIC on. Recognizes the song. Sings along.

99. (E-7) EXT. CITY INTERSECTION – DAY 1972

Same MUSIC continues. BETH’S CAR, at light, BUMPS to the beat.

Rachel, 8, dances in passenger seat with Beth,26, at the wheel, pumps the break. They laugh and rock in the car. “Ga-sha-gow-gow-gow Ga-sha-gow-gow-gow. I can’t stop this feeling.” More laughter.

BACK TO:

TRUCK – CONTINUOUS

Same SONG continues. Rachel laughs and sings along.

RACHEL

“Ga-sha-gow-gow-gow” “I can’t stop this feeling. Deep inside of me. Girl you just don’t realize what you do to me.”

101. (E-2) EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – CONTINUOUS (***need to improve entertainment value.)

Rachel whips into a spot in front of the store.

102. (E-2) TRUCK (*****WORK ON SCENE/CALL WITH PAUL PURPOSE and entertain)

Rachel gets back into the truck. Still parked, eats chips. Swigs from fresh pint of JD. Washes it back with water. Calls Paul to explain that she needs more time and will be back in a week.

103. (E-3) EXT. HIGHWAY – LATER (Transition)

TRUCK

Rachel’s truck cruising along, suddenly swerves onto the side of the road.

She gets out. Lights the joint. Stretches her legs. Takes in the land. Sloppy yoga poses toward the sunset.

104. (E-8) INT. STEW’S BEDROOM – DAY 1977

Stew, 16, and Rachel, 13, curled up on his bed, naked. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!! They jump. Freeze. Lock eyes.

Stew peeks out the door.

STEW

No. I have not.

105. (E-8) STELLA’S BDRM – CONTINUOUS (move this to after the beat – )

She runs into Stella’s room and leaps into the walk in closet.

106. (E-8) INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

107. WALK IN CLOSET

Rachel presses listens to her Mom tell Carlee that she will not lose her new husband and will choose him over Rachel is that’s what it comes down to. Carlee criticizes her

108. KITCHEN

Beth and WARREN, probation officer, 30-40, large, not to be messed with, handsome black man, stand at the back door questioning Carlee. Beth is looking for Rachel who is hiding in the closet and overhears her mother say that she will choose her new husband over her if it comes down to it.

109. WALK IN CLOSET

Rachel curled up in the closet cries. Carlee tells Rachel she has to go home and talk to her Mom.

BACK TO:

110. EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD – EVENING (Transitional, Elevated by adding Police officer to wake her and send her off.)

TRUCK

Rachel asleep in the front seat. Police Officer wraps on the window. Rachel jumps. He tells her to move along.

111. (E-5) INT. CRAPPY MOTEL, FRONT DESK – NIGHT (Transitional)

Rachel weighted down with stuff, drags her tired ass down the dim hallway with stained carpet tiles.

112 and 113 CRAPPY Motel ROOM Cut

112. (E-5) EXT. APT. COURT YARD BUILDING – DAY 1977 work on these 3 scenes.

113. stairway

114. dingy office

Rachel returns to the apartment mgr to secure the apartment she wants to rent.

BACK TO:

115.. (E-4) INT. BAR – NIGHT (Transitional) (Need to work on structure/entertainment on beats 114-120— clean it up for clarity. Do I need the bar here even though I like the visual? Does it serve a purpose. convention )

Dive bar. It’s dead. BARTENDER, 60, does a crossword puzzle at the far end of the bar. Rachel alone looks at her phone. “How’s it going? Call me later.” Ignores texts from Paul. Takes her mood out on the pinball machine.

116. (E-4) EXT. – GALLEYWAY – DUSK 1977

STEW’S CAR

Stew, 16, drives. Rachel, 13, in the passenger seat. They share a joint. Coasting down an alley behind brown stone apartment buildings.

They turn into a galley way between two buildings. Rachel goes inside and throws her clothes out the 2nd story window. They shove it all in the car and take off.

As Stew turn back into the alley. A squad car saddles up. Lights flashing.

Rachel now wears a Cubs cap. Stew rolls his window down. Cop lets them go. Close call. Phew!

BACK TO:

117. 95a. (E-3) INT. BAR – CONTINUOUS

On pin ball machine stacking up a climax and then loses the game. SOUND of wu wu wu wu, you lose.

96. (E-6) INT. CRAPPY MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

*******Rachel sets up the room with towels on the bed……..

97. (E-4) INT. RACHEL’S APARTMENT – DAY 1977 ****WORK ON THIS LITTLE SECTION LEADING TO POST OFFICE.

Rays of sunshine beam across the freshly sanded floor illuminating the just painted living room. The apartment Mgr hands Rachel the keys. She smiles to herself. It’s a good day.

BACK TO:

PLACEHOLDER? WHAT ABOUT US MAIL JEEP SCENE? THIS!!!

119. (E-2) EXT. POST OFFICE – MORNING

Rachel smiles to herself as she approaches the Post Office. It’s a beautiful day.

120. (E-8) INT. POST OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Rachel enters the post office……..

Rachel finds her Mom’s PO box that is still being used. She speaks with the Post Master who is able to give her some information about her Mom. Rachel leaves her phone number with the Post Master to give to the woman who picks up the mail.

Eleanor, the older woman who picks up Beth’s mail, enters the Post Office just as Rachel exits.

121. (E-8) EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS

Rachel meanders about the town taking in its southern charm. Peeks into shop windows. Then disappears into a coffee shop.

122. (E-8) EXT. STREET – MOMENTS LATER

Rachel backs out of the coffee shop. Arms full of goodies and a cup of coffee. Nearly knocks over an older woman pushing a cart full of boxes. It’s Eleanor. Rachel apologizes. They move on.

123TRUCK

Rachel approaches her truck carrying…. loads her goodies. SOUND of a train riding the tracks.

124. (E-10) EXT. L STOP – DAY 1977

SOUND of train riding the tracks continues. Rachel, 13, emerges from the turnstile. Buys a pack of smokes at the corner news stand. Crosses the street.

Suddenly two undercover police OFFICERS approach her. One at a time. They abduct Rachel.

BACK TO:

125. INT. CRAPPY MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

Rachel, in her underwear at the desk sits with a towel over the chair. finishes another beer. Closes computer.

She navigates getting under the sheets.

RACHEL

Ewwww!

Puts her sweats back on. Gets the remote. Then tries again. Turns on the TV. Changes channels. Reception is terrible. Lands on a channel with static, white noise.104. (E-7)

125. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

OFFICE

Rachel defiantly waits at the police station to be picked up by her Mother, while Officer #1 uses amusing scared strait tactics to try and rattle her.’

BACK TO:

126. (E-1) INT. CRAPPY MOTEL – CONTINUOUS (Need to work on whether I can cut this beat/scene all together. Save the call for the park call? Maybe it’s just an evasive text in order to respond at all.)

**** WORK ON THIS SCENE AND PURPOSE. Rachel dozes. Phone rings. It’s Paul. Calls to check in. Worried. She apologizes… Connect this scene to previous police station scene for deeper meaning. transition. crappy… alone… on her own…Does Rachel call him? Why this scene now? what do we need? next thing is that Rachel finds her mom got the call from home eleanor passed along her information but did not make the personal call. conflict of interest. need more on this relationship but when? They are both coming to an end of sorts…? explore

Removed beat 126. PLACE HOLDER for continuation of police pick up after Beth pick’s Rachel up. ie. paint store jeep, jeep set up. something that will land us in fear at the convalescent home.

BACK TO:

126. (E-5) EXT. CONVALESCENT HOME – EVENING (Transition)

TRUCK

Rachel parked, takes the pint of Jack out of the bag. Untwists the cap. Sighs. Twists the cap back on. Grunts. Puts the bottle away.

127. (E-2) INT. CONVALESCENT HOME, RECEPTION – MOMENTS LATER (Transition)

Rachel looks around. Assesses the facility. Waits. Paces. Checks her phone. Finally, RECEPTIONIST, 40’s, tired, returns. Hands Rachel some some papers. Visiting hours are over. Rachel leaves.

128. (E-8) RECEPTION – MOMENTS LATER

Nobody at reception. Rachel, nonchalant, glides down the hallway, guitar in tow. Ducks into the ladies room to avoid being seen.

HALLWAY

Rachel peeks out the door. Looks both ways and continues on tip toes. Looks into rooms with open doors. Finds her Mom’s room number. Deep breath. Disappears into the room.

129. (E-10) INT. BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Rachel lets her breath out. Sees her mom. BETH, 70’s, petite blonde, slightly propped up in her bed, connected to various machines. SOUND of breath, suction, beeps in rhythm with one another. Paralyzed. Rachel gasps for breath. Hot tears spring from her bloodshot eyes.

130. (E-9) INT. OFFICE, POLICE STATION – DAY 1977( *** SPLIT THIS W/ #125 ON BETH’S ENTRANCE.)

A large sparse office. Dingy tiles. Fluorescent lights. A big worn wooden desk.Rachel fidgets in a chair across from the desk. Her leg shakes impatiently. Officer #1 paces with authority. Drags on a cigarette. Exhales in Rachel’s direction. A couple cocky smoke rings. Other officer enters with Beth who has come to pick up Rachel.

131. (E-6) INT. HARDWARE STORE – LATER

Beth shops for paint. keeps a close eye on Rachel who stakes out an escape.

132. (E-10) EXT. SHERIDAN RD. – CONTINUOUS

JEEP

An old US MAIL JEEP in a long single lane of traffic waits for the green light. Suddenly, Rachel springs out of the jeep and runs back through traffic in the opposite direction.

Beth whips her head around. Tracks Rachel. The light turns green.

STREET

Rachel looks back. disappears around the corner.

133. EXT. ALLEY – CONTINUOUS

Rachel runs down an alley. Slows her pace. looks for a place to hide. Checks behind some trash cans. A cat screeches. Rachel screeches.

GARAGE

Finally, an open garage door. Rachel ducks in. Slithers between the cars. Squats in the corner. Catches her breath.

BACK TO:

134. (E-8) BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Rachel, eyes squeezed shut. Finally, she forcibly shakes it off. Sighs. Steps in to her Mom to get a good look at her. Delivers the news of her brother’s suicide. Then plays guitar tentatively. Quietly. Sings softly. Until ELEANOR comes in and tells Rachel to leave.

135.. (E-8) INT. CONVALESCENT HOME – MORNING

Rachel enters the lobby with her guitar, computer bag and two cups of coffee. Sees Eleanor, smiles and takes her a cup of coffee. Apologizes. *** and talks to Eleanor about performing music for the residents. Eleanor says she will talk to some of them on her behalf.

136 (E-8) INT. BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Beth in her bed. Hair brushed. New gown. Rachel carries on with Mom. It’s one-sided. Takes guitar out of its case. Plays softly. Improvises stories from the past into songs..

Then hears voices outside the door. Swings the door open. Think a wee beyond “Golden” Girls with varying temperaments. THREE OLDER WOMEN, women hunched in a circle doing a jig, all giggles, and smiles ear to ear. They freeze when they see Rachel.

137. (E-10) INT. CONVALESCENT HOME (***Maybe get rid of this scene all together. And have this be the entertainment in the common room scene. That way Mom leaves the room before we know the secret. Amp it up like Beth’s having a temper tantrum. until she’s wheeled away. And this is when Rachel overhears Eleanor and Beth)

137. (E-6) INT. CRAPPY MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

Rachel writes with fervor at the desk, this time by hand in a brand new journal. Stops. Gets a water from the fridge. Takes her weed out rolls a joint. Doesn’t light it. Back to writing.

138. (E-10) INT. BETH’S ROOM- LATER

Eleanor changes Beth’s gown. They talk quietly.

139.HALLWAY

Rachel with her gear about to enter Beth’s room, overhears Eleanor talking. Stops. Listens. Can’t make out what she’s saying. Then hears Beth speak.

140.(E-10) INT. RESTROOM – CONTINUOUS

Rachel shoves herself into a stall with all her stuff. Crouches on the toilet. Sobs. Unable to catch her breath.

141. (E-2)EXT BAR – LATER (Transition. shows Rachel making a new choice.)

142. INT. BAR – CONTINUOUS

Rachel sits at the bar waiting. From the end of the bar.

BARTENDER

The usual hon?

Rachel leaves.

BARTENDER

Okay.

143.(E-2) EXT. BAR – CONTINUOUS (Transitional)

Rachel wanders away from the bar.

144. (E-7) EXT. PARK – CONTINUOUS (This scene needs to be put together to show Paul’s character being her rock and cheerleader.)

A beautiful park with a lake in the middle. Parents and kids play by the swings and slides. Swans drift on the lake. Rachel, tosses her jacket onto the grass. Rolls up her pants and wades into the water. She takes in the sun. It’s a beautiful Spring day.

********Insert: LAKE Scene??? yes HERE OR EARLIER SPOT? HERE…

Rachel calls Paul and vents to him about having heard her Mom speak. And hearing that she doesn’t want Rachel there.

CUT #125 MOTEL SCENE *******DON’T THINK I NEED THIS.

126. INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL, RECEPTION — MORNING MAYBE MOVE THIS LATER. NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THIS GOES, IF AT ALL. THE THERAPY PORTION OF THIS SCENE HAS A PURPOSE – CREATE RUMOR ABOUT BETH ???? Show what Rachel’s up against. And to show Abuela being a bad minister.

Rachel stands at the desk waiting in line amongst a group of teenagers in line to get their allotted cigarettes. Once each teen receives a cigarette, he or she lights it from a gas lit device mounted on the wall.

Rachel next in line steps up. Gets her smoke and lights it from the wall.

147. (E-7) INT. BETH’S ROOM – MORNING

Rachel, 50’s, sits quiet on the chair next to her Beth. Picks up guitar. Plays softly, hums. Beth, eyes closed, fidgets. Writhes in her bed as if in a nightmare. Rachel wipes tears away with her fingers and then brushes her fingers through her mom’s hair.

Beth winces.

148. (E-10) INT. SAN JUAN AIRPORT – NIGHT 1972

Beth, 26, lands in Puerto Rico. Get’s her bags from the overhead. Stands and waits in line to exit plane.

149. (E-10) EXT. CIALES, PR – DAY 1972

Beth shows up to take Willy, 6, “shopping” and promises ABUELA they will return in time for dinner.

150. (E-10) INT. PR HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Abuela introduces Willy to his Mom.

BACK TO:

151. (E-10) INT. CONVALESCENT HOME, BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Beth jerks in her bed. More tears. Rachel soothes her.

152. (E-10) INT. FRANK AND ELEANOR’S LR – NIGHT 1972

Room lit by candlelight. Beth, hides Willy at Frank and Eleanor’s. Holds Willy in her arms, rocking him. He has pneumonia and coughs excessively. Beth puts Willy over a steaming pot. Places a towel over his head.

153. (E-10) INT. HIGH RISE APT – NIGHT 1973

Three officers stand in a circle in the middle of the room talking intermittently to each other and then into their walkie talkies. Rachel, curled up in a ball in the corner of the couch, chanting between sobs. Rocking back and forth. “I’m sorry mom. I’m so sorry mom.” Beth in the corner on the phone. Gasps. Hangs up. Blood curdling screams. Violently goes after Rachel yelling and blaming her. Rachel whales, runs into her room, slams the door.

BACK TO:

154. (E-10) INT. BETH’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Beth in her bed, writhes and twitches. Murmurs. The machines beep out of time. What’s happening? Eleanor and a DOCTOR, 40’s, rush into the room. Followed by staff with medical equipment. Eleanor makes Rachel leave and tells her to come back tomorrow. Rachel calls Eleanor out for being mysterious.

155. (E-10) INT. MOM’S ROOM – MORNING

Rachel tells her Mom know she’s leaving and apologizes for the past.

Beth’s eyes swell with tears.

Rachel recalls a story from childhood when she had to go to Japanese school with 1st graders. Then sings the Mother song, Okaasan to her.

Rachel lies down next to her mom and wipes the tears from her face.

156. ( E-7) INT. BETH’S ROOM – LATER

Eleanor enters with an envelope. Sees Beth and Rachel sleeping on the bed. She quietly slips the envelope into Rachel’s bag. Then leaves.

157. (E9) EXT. FESTIVAL – DUSK

Rachel’s truck pulls into the lot and swoops into a parking spot. Paul waves and heads over.

Rachel, in her truck, opens the envelope from her mom. ”Dear Rachel, I am so very proud of the person you’ve become. Love, Mom”.

Paul opens her door for her. Rachel steps out. She is all “I am woman hear me roar” and more”!

Rachel gives Paul a warm welcome.

ROLL CREDITS:

Paul takes her bag and guitar. Head toward the stage. Rachel takes Pauls hand.

158. (E-10) EXT. FESTIVAL STAGE – EVENING

HOST/MC, center stage at the mic. Gets the crowd going. The band is ready offstage left. A huge crowd awaits. Cheers from out front.

HOST/MC

And now what we’ve all been waiting for. Let’s hear it for Band Name.

BAND NAME?

Crowd cheers swell.

Band members enter. Wave to their audience. Hit their marks. Rachel joins them center stage.

RACHEL

Hello everyone!

More cheers!

RACHEL

Sure is a beautiful day! Check out that sunset. Thank you everyone for joining us tonight. We are so happy to be here!

More excitement from the crowd.

Rachel big smile. Looks over to her band mates.

RACHEL

Ya’ll ready to rock? 1, 2, 3, 4!

LIVE MUSIC. (Rebels, Tom Petty).

FADE OUT: