-
Day 8 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
-
23 Replies
-
@cheryl croasmun IS this the forum to post our QE cycle #2 First drafts?
Maybe changing the names of these forums so they align with the assignments would make it easier for us and also save some time trying to figure out where the 1st draft goes, where the 2nd draft goes, and where the critiques go.
Thank you
George
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by George Verongos.
-
Hey, everyone – the Lesson 9s are out of order. You have to mark the Lesson 9 Video Critique “Complete” so you can open up Lesson 9 Critique Scene. Read the scene, then go back and watch the Videos. *sigh*
-
Thanks, Kristina.
-
-
Here’s my review of scene 2 – best, Judith
Judith’s review of George’s Scene Draft #1 of QE2
Hi George, yes this website seems like it’s really messed up. That aside, thank you for letting me read your scene. I apologize for the late return of my review, but I was sick a couple of days.
Scene was very interesting. I saw the good use of the interest techniques like the following:
Mislead/reveal; hope/fear; suspense; surprise; and betrayal.
For example, Nick puts his hand on the Glock strapped beneath the desktop, suspense.
Betrayal when John tells the secretary to leave. I was under the impression John and Nick had come to an agreement.
TRAITS
Use of traits that I saw were: John – daring, breaking into Nick’s office; distrust – “who are you and where is Fallon?” Again, distrust – “He’d sooner die than retire.”
Loner: “I don’t have any buddies.”
For Nick: conniving – Nick presses his lips together, forcing a smile and then says, “Well, this is obviously some sort of mix-up. Perhaps someone is playing a practical joke on you?”
“Nicolas Reginald Watt the third, but you can call me Nick.”, shows confidence. And confidence and conniving in saying, “But I assure you, Mr. Fallon didn’t send that.”
All in all, I think you did a good job. The only place that was confusing for me was when he drew his attention to the paintings. Perhaps clarifying that would help.
Best, Judith
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
-
Ed’s QE Cycle Scene # 2 First Draft (Nick & John)
Scene Longline – Rivals square off in a cable car ride up a mountain.
Essence – Don’t underestimate your opponent.
EXT. LUCERNE – CAFE – DAY
Colorful awnings shields the basking tourist from the alpine sun. Among the international patrons sits, NICK, 30’s, full on American tourist look. He gives directions to German tourist using a map spread out over their table.
NICK
The Panorama is here. You see, go across the bridge then stay to your right.
Once you pass Alpen Street, make a left on Lowenstrasse and rock and roll, you’re there.
TOURIST
Ya, rok and vroll. You must be American.
NICK
Something like that.
A MAN walk’s past the cafe weaving through the crowds avoiding bodies like pac-man. This is , JOHN, 40’s, we’ll meet him later. He’s not from here. Tactical jacket, expensive jeans, military hair cut. Nick folds up his map, leaves a big tip on the table then tails John down the street keeping a safe distance.
INT. MT. PILATUS CABLE CAR STATION – LATER – DAY
A cable car filled with tourist silently lifts off the platform on the seven thousand foot climb up the mountain. A rowdy group soccer hooligans representing Germany and Switzerland march up the steps in a mix of cheering, arguing and general drunkenness. They queue up haphazardly awaiting the next car to arrive.
John enters the platform. He makes a bee-line to overlook chairs as far from the queue line commotion as possible.
Nick bounds up the stairs two by two. He jumps into the soccer fan fray for no other reason than kick up some shit. He spies John on the overlook without missing a beat.
The cable car arrives. The automated doors swish open. The swarm of soccer fans push onto it. Nick is swept along with them. He fights his way up current. He pops out of the swarm back on the platform. He finds himself face to face with John. He smiles into the John’s stoic face. He does not smile back.
NICK
Too crowded anyway. Maybe you like to get on?
John ignores the invitation. He side steps away from Nick.
The cable car yanks up the mountain. Another car arrives. An ATTENDANT comes out of the cable car platform office.
ATTENDANT
Last car up the mountain, gentleman. Enjoy your ride.
Nick bounds onto the car. It sways under his enthusiasm. John enters. He discreetly applies a device over the door latching mechanism. He sits opposite Nick. John’s grinding teeth ripple the muscles in his jaw. The door closes without the familiar CLICK of the lock.
NICK
Can’t avoid me now old boy. You want to switch sides? My view is better.
John looks away as if trying to find an escape route.
NICK
I’m Nick, from Virginia… good old USA.
John considers Nick with care. If he speaks, maybe Nick will shut up.
JOHN
John, my name is John. I’m from the UK. Now will you be quiet?
NICK
Well, John from the UK. This is your lucky day. We’re going to play, “What’s my line.” You know? Old television show, or as you call it, “The Tele.” I’m going to ask you questions and then I will guess your line of work.
John shifts uneasily in his seat. Outside the window the valley shrinks and the mountain looms.
NICK
John, are you involved in foreign affairs?
John inserts ear buds. Dons a pair of shades, folds his arms and rest his head agains the wall.
NICK
Tough crowd. Maybe, “To Tell The Truth” is better game.
Nick moves over next to John and takes off John’s sunglasses. He waves his hand across John’s face. John removes his ear buds. In a flash he’s got Nick’s arm pinned behind his back. He winces in pain.
John jumps to his feet. With one swift move he slides the cable car door open. The mountain air rushes in. He spins Nick around and holds him out by his shirt collar dangling him over the thousand foot drop.
JOHN
Since you’re an annoying American we’re going to play “Let’s Make A Deal.” You tell just who the fuck you are and what you want and I won’t drop you. Sound good, Nicky?
NICK
I’m with the State Department
JOHN
Wrong.
John leans Nick out the door a little further.
NICK
I’m with the FBI.
JOHN
Getting boring. One last try, Nicky.
NICK
Okay, okay. I’m CIA. I’m here to stop you from meeting with your assassin friend at the top of the mountain and you are going to tell me , not him, who the target is. I don’t care who’s paying you. That’s your business. But I do need that name, John. Now please let me in.
John pulls Nick inside as he falls to the floor. John, removes the device he placed on the door latch and closes it.
JOHN
I don’t need to tell you, or the CIA anything. You have no jurisdiction here.
NICK
Legally no. But as you know we operate in more of a gray area. Funny though, that’s what got you thrown out of MI6, wasn’t it? You insubordination? Or was it your impulsiveness? Who ever it was you were protecting didn’t deserve your loyalty. You were a good spook. Now, when I look at you I compared you to a lone wolf. You hunt on your own, indiscriminately aloof. Although it must be nice to be free from Sir Richard’s reign.
Nick crawls back into his seat holding his backpack close to his chest.
JOHN
Your assessment of me is misleading. Whoever gave you that information was lying. Tell me, why did they send someone like you after someone like me? The way you’re holding on to that rucksack I’d say you more likely to shoot yourself with the standard issue Glock 19 hidden in there than kill a poor old bloke like me.
NICK
I doubt it. The safety is on. At least I thought it was when I handed it off the one of the soccer hooligans in that melee on the platform. You see, John, you never know who your true enemies are and where they will strike. If my man does not see my signal, he’s going to kill you before you take two steps off this car. One shot to the head one to the heart, standard kill shot. Nothing personal of course. Just business.
The cable car bounces a little from an up draft. John checks the distance to the landing. Not far to go, a third of the way left.
JOHN
That would be a pity. How do you know my assassin friend, as you call him, or her, won’t do the same to you. For him, or her, it’s just another day at the office. Nothing personal, of course.
The two men weigh their opponent as well as their options.
NICK
My orders are to kill you or get the name. Getting the name is more difficult. I can see that now. But, like you, sometimes I don’t alway follow the rules. Rather than kill you, I could kill Rachel, that is her name right, Rachel? She staying at Hotel Lucerne, Room 311.
If this upsets John, his stoicism, hides it well.
JOHN
I see in your eyes, Nick, you can’t kill in cold blood. You’re a company man, through and through. The rebel in you is more talk than action. Langley pulls your strings, you merely dance like Pinocchio.
NICK
Let’s do this. Whatever you’re being paid for this job, I’ll triple it for the name. That’s enough to get you out of debt and leave a few extra quid for fun. Just be sure it’s the RIGHT name. You double cross me and next time we meet there’ll be ten agents, not just four.
JOHN
Four?
NICK
Me, and three soccer fans. I won’t tell you which side they’re on. That wouldn’t be fair.
JOHN
And the assassin?
NICK
That’s your problem. Let’s assume the contract hasn’t been paid. You only owe travel expenses. The good news is by the time you burn through all those Yankee dollars the underworld will have forgotten your word is no damn good. Loyalty comes with a price, does it not? Come on John. Think of it, just you on a tropical island. No body around for miles. You’ll be in heaven.
John slowly zips and unzips his jacket. This helps him think.
JOHN
Play it out for me.
NICK
The plan is when this cart hit’s the platform a fight is going to break out between the soccer hooligans. Once that fight start’s there’s not turning back. The plan is in motion and you will most likely be dead before you take two steps off of the car.
JOHN
What stops the fight?
NICK
First you tell me the name and then…
Nick goes to open his backpack.
JOHN
Hey, hey! hey! what do you think, I’m daft? Hands off the bag.
NICK
I just wanted to show you the hat. If you tell me the name, before we stop, I’ll put on a hat. Me wearing the hat signals no fight, mission completed. Didn’t they teach you that in spy school?
John drums his fingers over the seat. It’s a hundred meters to the station. The airs getting thin, John and Nick’s breaths become heavier. We can see the crowd of soccer revelers line the station’s cafe with pints of ale sloshing in their hands. General revelry in place. Several of them watch the car’s arrival a little more intently.
JOHN
The target’s name is….Archduke Ferdinand.
NICK
I knew you could do it.
Nick shakes John’s hand, slaps him on the back. Retrieves from the backpack a red ball cap with the Swiss Cross across the front. He holds at his side as the cable car glides in to the station.
Simultaneously, as the door begins to open, John snatches the cap out of Nick’s hand. He fixes upon his own head. In a flash, the second the car door opens, John leaps out. He bounds down the stairs quickly out of sight.
Nick and the soccer fans posing as CIA agents aren’t sure what the hell just happened. Protocols are still processing. The confused agents run to Nick.
SOCCER FAN
Did you get a name?
NICK
Archduke Ferdinand
SOCCER FAN
Sir, are you sure that’s a positive ID?
Nick looks off down the mountain to the small village of Lucerne below. He smirks.
NICK
Yes, I’m sure I’m right.
END SCENE.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Edward Lusk.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Edward Lusk.
-
How Ed, Want to exchange our second scenes? best, Judith
-
Sure, sounds good.
-
Hi Ed, How about emailing our scene reviews to each other. I’m having trouble getting things posted. best, Judith
-
Hi, you see I just replied. For you – On the right of my scene – you see a “Reply” icon, press that, then the window appears. Either write, or cut and paste your notes there. Then – be sure to scroll to the bottom on click on the “Post” button.
-
-
-
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
-
Judith’s Scene
Logline: A prisoner gets his just dues.
Essence: Nick knows he deserves his fate.
INT.MANNING PRISON – DAY
NICK,25, his bearded face peers into the visiting room and then enters. He sits behind the glass divider and stares at JOHN, 40s, a proper looking guy who sits upright and takes the phone to talk with Nick .
NICK
Do I know you?
John indicates to Nick to take the phone.
NICK
Not until you tell me who you are.
JOHN
John.
Nick pulls the phone off the hook and places it next to his ear.
NICK
John who?
JOHN
Just John. I’m here with a message.
NICK
You can take your message and get the fuck out of here.
He moves to get up from his chair and just then John waves his hand.
Nick tries to get up, but he’s stuck to his chair. He looks at the GUARD bored standing by the door.
NICK
Hey, you.
John waves his hand and the GUARD ignores Nick.
Nick takes a deep breath and gains his composure.
NICK
You are not going to get away with this.
JOHN
With what?
Considering and trying to figure out how he’s going to get out of this…
NICK
Okay, okay, I’ll play…Let’s share.
John considers. Sits back in his chair.
JOHN
You first.
NICK
What do you want to know?
JOHN
Why did you kill my father?
A “your father” look graces Nick’s face.
NICK
James Monroe. He was a brute.
JOHN
He was the most wonderful, caring, loving, person in the world. You don’t know what you are talking about. Look where you’re at.
NICK
Yah, and I’d do it over again. Your turn.
John slams the phone down. He gets up and paces the room. Nick smiles.
Charging toward the observation window, John stops just in time before he hits it.
He quietly sits down.
NICK
Look, I can see you’re in pain. My dad fooled me too. I thought he was a plumber. Was I surprised at what he was plumbing.
John doesn’t laugh.
JOHN
Are you ready?
NICK
I think so.
JOHN
Sorry, Nick, James Monroe sent me.
NICK
I realized that. How is he?
JOHN
He’s getting use to the place. Glad I was there.
NICK
Go ahead and do it and tell Dad hello for me.
John nods. He waves his hand.
Nick gets a peaceful look on his face as he slowly vaporizes. A puddle of liquid replaces his form.
John gets up from his chair and walks past the Guard who doesn’t see him as he walks by.
THE END.
-
JUDITH NOTES
Hi Judith, thanks for letting me read you work. Here are my notes. Please don’t hesitate to ask any questions.
QE Cycle # 2 Draft One Notes. (Nick &John)
SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
Good to have the setting in the prison visiting room. Implies the good guy (John?), bad guy (Nick?) efficiently and sets a time limit for the scene. The phone forces a face to face stand off, all good. I didn’t see a connection to a fight breaking out.
There’s conflict between John and Nick but they are physically separated. Other than the guard, no characters around who could fight. On future passes, develop the situation which presents an opportunity for a fight. John uses his “powers?” To keep Nick from getting up, which is great. You have a guard, consider using him in a more active role than passive. John can still reveal his “powers” with the guard, just in another way that brings him into the conflict, if you so desire.
I’d establish more about the setting, where is this prison, outer space? Another world? What’s the nature of the characters; human, human and sorcerer, supernatural, etc. I understand trying to interject, surprise, and Mislead/Reveal etc. These actions are good twist, but they need context so the reader ’s not wonder what’s going on. Rather we understand what is going on.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
My take the I information John must get from Nick is why he killed his father, James Monroe. Which, as Nick states, “…was a brute.” If that is the information, I’d go for a much deeper reason than James was a brute, really elevate the reason for killing of James. Nick should have some damning information that crushes John’s favorable opinion of who James is.
By doing so the characters conflict will escalate. The surrendering of the information was quick. Not too much bargaining or negotiating required. Nick’s coerced into giving it (good). The reveal happens mid-scene – with this arc, the reveal should happen close to the end of the scene. By elevating the stakes between Nick and John, it will build suspense delay the timing of the reveal.
I sense , maybe James Monroe is the father of both Nick and John? Whatever the case, clarify this relationship. Once you have the relationships established. You’ll have more fun breaking it apart.
The ending , again – If there is some supernatural elements at work, this needs to be fleshed out and you need to provide some foreshadowing. Yes, good the “vaporizing” is a surprise, as mentioned providing more context up-scene helps support this action. It’s good action – nice visual too.
JOHN
Traits
– Daring – confronting his father’s killer, takes some daring. Always room for more.
– Distrustful – having Nock ‘go first” is a good example. You can explore more distrust, as it’s a main trait for John in your scene (it’s his subtext)
– Loyal – to James Monroes – yes , good
– Loner – Don’t know yet, he came in alone.
Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them
into showing their worst side.
We see a little of this with John showing up and getting prisoner Nick to talk. Fixes him in his seat for leverage, original and fun. Nick go first with his admission. Got a good footing, just keep going.
NICK
Traits
– Confident – I sense he is, a little cocky even.
– Conniving – Consider in the back story of the murder how that unfolded. The murder , for it’s new complex reason, can be more of a big conspiracy.
– Rebellious – He killed someone. Could be taken as rebellious. Basically tells John to fuck off. Since he’s in prison, being rebellious takes more work.
– Giving – gave away the reason for the killing. Ask yourself he did it because he was forced to or he did it because he true nature of being generous. Additional drafts can display more generosity to illustrate this trait more.
Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people
into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.
Good example with dialogue – “Look, I can see you’re in pain. My dad fooled me too. I thought he was a plumber. Was I surprised at what he was plumbing.”
The problem I see with the subtext is Nick is the one taken advantage of – he vaporizes. You can still have Nick loving manipulation – even though he knows he might loose – this plays to his rebellious, giving, and confident traits. He’s a complex guy.
Techniques:
Essence – does Nick “know” he deserves his fate or does he accept it? He may indeed know he’s going down, but for Nick, accepting is harder due to his confidence trait and he has to admit being rebellious got him in trouble. Explore him more and that help with reconcile his current situation in the story.
Overall there is twist and surprise – John’s demonstrates his special abilities and how he uses them on Nick. A little foreshadowing will give some context to these techniques so the reader appreciates what’s going on and why.
Mislead/Reveal – Yes, my take is John seems normal with his introduction – then you reveal he’s not “normal” in a sense he’s got weird powers. This ties in with my point above – you are on the right track in using John for these techniques. Look at timing and the pace, will maximize the techniques.
Because Nick knows what’s coming you can explore adding levels of Hope/Fear, maybe he be spared, then maybe he won’t. John is toying with Nick, we know that. He doesn’t trust him either , so let’s see how far he can pull his strings.
You can build more suspense. As you develop the scene more we’ll get even more suspense. Once we know, (and understand) who John is and what he can do. Then, suspense what will he do next , why, when?
Character Changes – You have a guard character – except because of John, he doesn’t do much. Maybe he can become more of a factor because of John’s abilities. Rather than John have the guard not move, maybe the guard takes actions manipulated by John’s which give Nick more problems to solve.
-
-
George Verongos QE CYCLE #2 – First Draft
I hope I am posting in the correct FORUM, we seem to be getting a little confused and losing people along the way. I have reached out for some customer service but to no avail.
LOGLINE: Special black ops agent John Brody is summoned to his boss’s office only to find his boss has been replaced under suspicious circumstances.
ESSENCE: John uses his subtle talents of observation and deception to gather intel.
SCENE: INT – MODERN HIGHRISE – DAY
JOHN BRODY, 40, fit, ex-military dressed in army fatigues and a black t-shirt, doesn’t seem to notice or care about the armed men or the metal detector at the entrance to Fallon Towers. The lobby is empty except for a solitary elevator whose door slides open as JOHN approaches, almost beckoning him. There is only one button in the elevator, 87. The door closes on JOHN. A beat later the elevator door opens and JOHN steps out on the 87th floor where there is a RECEPTIONIST seated at a desk in front of a rather large, wooden, double-door. JOHN is determined and all business.
JOHN: I’m here to see Mr. Fallon.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Fallon? I’m sorry, sir, there is no one by that name here. Maybe you’re at the wrong building?
JOHN: (incredulous) Zane Christian Fallon? The building’s named after him. Tell him John Brody’s here.
The receptionist looks confused.
JOHN: Eh, fuck it.
John goes for the double door.
RECEPTIONIST: (gets up and follows him) Hey, you can’t just go in there!
INT – EXECUTIVE OFFICE SUITE – DAY
The large modern minimalist office has high ceilings, large abstract paintings line the walls. At the far end of the office is a large oak desk with NICOLAS WATT sitting behind it and a bank of large monitors behind him. John rushes to the desk and stops when he doesn’t recognize the man sitting at the desk. The receptionist comes running up behind John.
RECEPTIONIST: I’m sorry sir, I tried to stop him.
NICK: It’s okay, Janice. He’s fine. (waves her away) And please close the doors on your way. (quieter to John) It’s her first day.
JOHN: Who the fuck are you and where’s Fallon?
NICK: I’m sorry, John. Of course, how rude of me. (he stands and extends his hand) Nicolas Reginald Watt the third, but you can call me Nick.
John doesn’t shake his hand. He just stares at Nick. After a beat, Nick retracts his hand.
NICK: Please, please, have a seat. (he gestures to a long white leather, low-backed Scandinavian design couch.
JOHN: (stays standing) And Fallon?
NICK: Ah yes, Mr. Fallon. He retired.
JOHN: Retired? When?
NICK: It’s been years. But of course, how would you know. With your lengthy rehabilitation in the Andes’, it was truly a miracle that you survived the mission.
JOHN: He’d sooner die than retire.
NICK: Well, John, people do change their minds.
JOHN: Or have their minds changed for them?
NICK: That too. (beat) Now, John Brody, to what do I owe this pleasure?
John drops an envelope on the desk and turns his attention to a large painting on the wall to his right, his back to Nick. In the lower righthand corner of the painting are the initials of the artist ZCF.
NICK: What’s this?
JOHN: Courier delivered it yesterday. (beat) Nice paintings, you have great taste.
NICK: I do, thank you. But, that came with the office, they all did. Not really my style, but I’ve just been too busy to get rid of them. Running above-top-secret black ops leaves little time for art appreciation.
Nick removes the letter from the blank envelope. The letter says. MEET ME AT THE TOWERS and is signed by Zane Fallon. After a beat, Nick presses his lips together, forcing a smile.
NICK: Well, this is obviously some sort of mix-up. Perhaps someone is playing a practical joke on you? Old Marine buddy, maybe?
JOHN: I don’t have any (distaste) buddies.
NICK: Well, I’m sure there is a logical explanation for it. But I assure you, Mr. Fallon didn’t send that.
JOHN: He might have. I mean, he’s not dead, right?
Nick puts his hand on the Glock strapped beneath the desktop. They lock eyes, unsure of each other. Then they burst into forced and nervous laughter.
NICK: I had no idea you had such a sense of humor, Mr. Brody. If I knew how to get ahold of him I would tell you, but alas, he’s kept his whereabouts extremely private.
Nick hands the letter back to John.
JOHN: Yeah, you’re probably right. Just a mix-up. I’ll get out of your hair.
NICK: Of course, I am. It was a pleasure to finally meet, John Brody.
JOHN: Likewise
John nods and heads for the double door.
INT – FALLON TOWERS, JANICE’S DESK – LATER
JOHN: Watt asked me to tell you to go to lunch, he’s on an important call and doesn’t want to be interrupted.
JANICE: What? I already had lunch. I better just ask Mr—
JOHN: Now, we don’t want to upset the boss on the first day. (he helps her up by the elbow) Here you go. (he takes her purse from the floor by her chair and shoves into her arms) In fact, take the rest of the day off.
John is escorting her toward the elevator.
JANICE: (confused and getting farther from her desk) I really should just check—
JOHN: Janice, you don’t want to see Watt pissed off, and how would getting fired on your first day look? He said he’ll see you tomorrow at 9 AM sharp.
John shoves Janice into the elevator where she stands with her coat half on and holding her purse with both hands, looking the most confused yet.
JANICE: But I start work at 7.
John presses the button and the door closes as Janice is still speaking.
JOHN: Alright, see ya then.
John goes back over to her desk where her office phone is. There is a blinking red light next to FALLON and a number on the phone’s LCD screen. John jots down the number using a pen and Post-it from Janice’s desk.
JOHN: Don’t worry, boss. I’m coming to save you.
END SCENE
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by George Verongos.
-
Hi George, know how you feel. If you are willing to send me you email address, my is cinemaself1@aol.com, I’ll email my review of your scene and I’d appreciate it if you the same for mine. best, Judith
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
-
Logline: John and Nick meet for a duel.
Essence: Diplomacy wins over war
EXT. FIELD – DAY
A field at dawn. Massachusetts, 1770.
JOHN (40s) enters from the left. NICK (20s) enters from the right. They wear gentlemen’s attire of the day, including capes to keep off the morning chill.
JOHN
Good day to you, sir.NICK
Good day to you. Has your Second not yet arrived?JOHN
I expect him shortly. And yours?NICK
Oh, he’ll be along. Don’t you worry about that.JOHN
Well, nothing to do but wait then.NICK
Since they’re bringing the pistols, I’d say indeed– we have to wait.
Unless you prefer to use bare hands.JOHN
(snorts disapproval)
I’m sure they’ll be here shortly.John walks away a few paces, but doesn’t turn his back, keeping Nick in his sights.
Nick rummages in the pockets of his cape, then tosses something to John, who doesn’t catch it, but moves aside. The object hits the ground and rolls away.
NICK
Fool! It was an apple.Nick bites into his apple and grins.
NICK (Cont’d)
What’d you think it was? A cannonball?JOHN
Pardon me, but since we’ve come here with the intention–NICK
Afraid of an apple!JOHN
–with the intention of destroying each other–NICK
(mocking)
Oh! I can’t eat an apple from a tree-ee. What if there’s
a worm in it? Servant, cut this apple for me!
(showing the apple)
Look, there’s a little fellow now!
(bites into it)
Mmmmm. It adds that je ne sais quoi.JOHN
You devour the worm… and soon, the worms will devour you.NICK
Don’t be so sure.JOHN
You’ve been practicing, have you?NICK
Perhaps.JOHN
It almost feels wrong, challenging a young hothead
like yourself.NICK
I insulted you, sir. What could you do but invite me to a duel?JOHN
You did seem to go out of your way–
(a beat)
What’s the meaning of this? Why are we here?NICK
To defend your honor?JOHN
Why did you pick a fight with me?
You know I’m the best shot in the county.NICK
Perhaps I surmised you’d never find someone to
be your Second. You don’t have many friends…JOHN
Again you insult me!NICK
Then where is this Second?JOHN
Where’s yours?NICK
You don’t suppose our plan was discovered, do you?
Oh, that wouldn’t look good. A Peer, like yourself,
arranging a duel.
(tsk, tsk)
Well, you can always back out. I won’t tell.JOHN
Ah, so that’s it? You’re with that group trying to convince
the elders to oust me from the council. As that didn’t work,
they plan to make me out to be a coward?Nick dissolves into laughter. He becomes more and more hysterical and rolls on the ground.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Get up. This is most unbecoming!
I refuse to face off with a lunatic.Nick sits up with his legs splayed out and nibbles a blade of grass.
NICK
I just… sorry! The idea that I would consort with
that band of lackeys. Well, it’s too ridiculous.JOHN
Then what is your meaning, sir?
Why did you lure me onto the dueling field?Nick becomes serious.
NICK
It’s Rebecca–JOHN
What has my daughter to do with anything?NICK
I love her.JOHN
But she is married this week–NICK
She did not return my love.JOHN
I should think not.NICK
I thought perhaps– it might be nice to die.JOHN
Suicide by duel? What a concept!NICK
Well, I did hope that you would go to jail.
Since you allowed her to– to– throw herself away–Nick flings an arm over his eyes and sobs. John watches him with disgust.
JOHN
Get up!NICK
(wiping his eyes)
Are the Seconds here?JOHN
We’re going to the Tavern.NICK
Wherefore?JOHN
I once wanted to die for love.John extends his hand. Nick accepts it, and brushes dust off his cape.
JOHN (CONT’D)
I’m rather peckish.
Would you by chance have another apple?Nick pulls one from his pocket and polishes it on his sleeve before handing it over.
John bites into it and they head off down the road, side-by-side. -
Anyone locate Roger Nelson’s scene that we are suppose to read before hearing the Lesson 9 critique? best, Judith
-
Hi, Judith – it’s in the other lesson 9, after the video critique. The lessons were posted out of order. So you have to mark the video critique as completed, and that will open up the other lesson that has the scene.
Also, we’re supposed to do critiques on our rewrites of this lesson, not the first draft, which we post here.
Confused yet? 😉
Cheers, KZ
-
-
Sandra’s QE Cycle #2 (First Draft)
LOGLINE: Tempers flare between a conniving horse owner and a distrustful horse trainer when an abandoned baby shows up.
ESSENCE: The baby brings out the worst and the best in both men. Both men’s lives are about to be changed.
SCENE: INT. RANCH HOUSE – DAY
JOHN (30) dark hair and slender, trains horses. NICK (40’s) stocky build with red hair, owns and breeds champion horses.
John in his small stark bedroom, with a twin-size bed, nightstand and lamp, dresser, plain wooden desk and chair. Three pictures in frames on the desk: one of him younger approaching an angry wild horse rearing up on its hind legs, one of him with a colt, and one of him older with a grown horse. A blue ribbon is on the last picture.
John sits at the desk, eats a plate of food as he looks out the window at the barn and covered horse arena. Helmetless, Nick drives up on a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and parks it on the side of the house. Backdoor opens and slams shut.
A few minutes later.
NICK (O.S.)
(yells)
John come here quick…I need your help.
John hurries down the hall and sees Nick in the bathroom, wearing a “Born to be Wild” t-shirt. Nick has the sink full of water, and a BABY (4-6 months), dressed in a white dress, is almost completely submerged in the water.
JOHN
Man, what are you doing? You’re going to drown that baby.
Nick throws a towel over the baby’s face.
NICK
(confidently)
You can do this…I need to take care of Saddie.
Nick leaves. John removes the towel, sits the baby up in the sink, and opens the drain to let the water out.
JOHN
(yells)
Whose baby is this?
Silence.
JOHN
(looks around)
Does it have any more clothes?
No answer.
JOHN
(yells)
Are there any diapers?
More silence.
John takes off the dress and throws it in the bathtub. Makes a face as he throws the dirty diaper in the garbage can. Takes a washcloth and cleans the baby up. Takes another washcloth to use as a diaper and fastens it with tape found in the medicine cabinet. Cuts two holes in a shower cap for the legs and places it over the diaper. Wraps the baby in a bath towel, and walks down the hall to the kitchen.
Nick in the kitchen, feeds SADDIE (40) his invalid wife who is confined to a wheelchair.
JOHN
What do you want me to do with this baby?
NICK
(gruffly)
I don’t care … it’s yours.
JOHN
I’m a horse trainer. I didn’t sign up for this.
NICK
I know you go where Olympus goes… you’re loyal to the horse.
JOHN
Horses can be trusted.
NICK
You should have thought of that before.
JOHN
What do you mean?
NICK
I have my hands full with the ranch and Saddie, I can’t take care of your baby too.
JOHN
It’s not my baby.
NICK
That’s not what the note says.
Nick points to a basket on the counter. John places the baby in the basket and reads the note.
JOHN
There’s no proof. I keep to myself. You believe this?
NICK
So, you’re a virgin or gay?
JOHN
No… someone’s trying to frame me.
NICK
You were nothing but a drunk when I took you in. Maybe you don’t remember.
John examines the note more closely.
JOHN
It looks like someone else wrote my name on this note. Saddie’s been a vegetable for five years? Maybe you weren’t faithful.
NICK
(angry)
Don’t try to blame me. I’ve given you a great opportunity to work with champion horses and free room and board.
JOHN
It’s a good thing you never had children or did you drown them?
NICK
You have no idea… don’t you dare talk to me like that.
Nick attacks John.
FADE OUT
-
Maureen’s 2d QE Scne – FIrst Draft
LOGLINE: Old Friends play cat and mouse as they find themselves pitted against each other as a legal case begins.
ESSENCE: John pushes a compromised Nick to remember his true values.
SCENE:
INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Well dressed and High Powered Attorney, JOHN KENT, sits alone pouring over court filings and other paperwork, making notes.
INT. ADJOINING ROOM- CONTINUOUS
NICK DICILLO, Prosecutor, on the other side of a one way glass, studies John closely.
FOOTSTEPS approach. District Attorney, ALLEN CRENSHAW, stands slightly behind Nick and watches John through the glass.
CRENSHAW
This is a curve.
NICK
I can handle it.
CRENSHAW
Can you?
NICK
I know his weaknesses.
CRENSHAW
He knows yours.
NICK
Don’t even think about taking me off this case, Allen. Thanks to you, I’ve got too much at stake here.
Crenshaw looks him over. Nods. Nick steps past him and into
INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
John looks up as the door opens and Nick walks in with a big smile.
NICK
Well, well. Who have we here?
(Closing the curtain in front of the two way glass)
The famous John Kent, Attorney at Law. Big fish parachuting once again into a small pond.
JOHN
It’s been a while, Nick. Are you just here to needle me, or is this your case?
Nick shuts off the mic between the rooms.
NICK
You can cut the crap, Johnny. I think you know it’s my case.
JOHN
Guilty.
NICK
So why are you here?
JOHN
To defend my client.
NICK
Why this client?
JOHN
I have my reasons. Primary among them is that she’s innocent.
NICK
Really? That must be a first for you. I mean, if it were true, which it’s not.
JOHN
Come-on, Nick. You’ve got nothing. Janet Maynard is a 60 year old woman trying to do her job. Look at your own State Laws. Nothing she’s done can even remotely be deemed wrongdoing.
Nick picks up the charge documents.
NICK
No wrongdoing? There are five felonies she’s committed ‘just doing her job.’ So says a Grand Jury.
JOHN
The Grand Jury was a lousy rubber stamp. You and Crenshaw set the bar so low they had no choice but to indict.
NICK
Sometimes that’s how it works, Councilor. Or have you forgotten?
JOHN
Score one for the Prosecution. Ok. I’ve done my share of dirty tricks. That was me. And I paid for it. But it wasn’t you.
NICK
Please spare me the pandering.
JOHN
What happened, Nick? Where did all those big ideals go? You and Alyssa were going to change the world.
NICK
The world didn’t want changing. And Alyssa… Lyssa went home to you every night, so…
JOHN
She left me eventually.
NICK
The scales pealed from her eyes, I guess.
JOHN
Yea. Mine too, ironically. I’m not built for relationships. I push people away.
Beat.
NICK
Ok, this somewhat maudlin trip down Memory Lane isn’t getting us anywhere. My advice to you is to get on the next plane back to your cushy life. Believe me, this case isn’t going to go well for you or the defendant.
JOHN
(ignoring him)
You know, on the way over here I was thinking about the last time I was in town. We had lunch.
NICK
Can we just stick to the case?
JOHN
You were full of piss and vinegar that day. You bored me to tears about how you loved your job… Sure, about the bad guys you put away, but mostly you talked about the victims. Getting them justice. How that’s what made the job worthwhile.
NICK
It still is.
JOHN
You know what else I remember from that day? Crenshaw had been elected about 6 months before, and you were not happy. Something stunk, you said, and you were going to get to the bottom of it.
NICK
Yeah. Big talk. Nothing there.
JOHN
Come-on, Nick. That stink didn’t just go away, did it?
NICK
I was wrong. It was all in my head.
JOHN
Was it? Janet Maynard is an innocent woman. A brave woman. She smelled that same stink, and she did something about it.
NICK
Yeah. Something illegal. No one’s innocent these days, John. You know that as well as I do.
JOHN
No, Nick. I don’t. I think your brain has gotten muddied up. I think either you can’t see what’s right in front of your face, or you’re mixed up in it.
Nick spins at John, enraged.
NICK
(yelling loudly)
WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE-
(kicks a chair over)
-COMING IN HERE LIKE SOME KIND OF MISGUIDED CRUSADER-
The Court Guard comes in, concerned.
NICK
WE’RE FINE! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
The guard exits. Nick tries to collect himself.
NICK
What the hell are you trying to do?
JOHN
I’m trying to get justice for my client.
NICK
By implying corruption in the DA’s office? Not a good tactic.
JOHN
No. Not if I were appealing to Crenshaw… But I’m appealing to you.
NICK
To me?
JOHN
Yeah. Alysse called and asked me-
Nick turns and glares at John.
NICK
You really are a slime! Dragging Lyssa into this just to get to me.
John leans back in his seat, seemingly stunned.
JOHN
You really haven’t done your homework, have you? I didn’t have to drag Lyssie into this. She’s all in. That’s her Aunt your corrupt department is setting up.
NICK
What?
JOHN
Her Aunt whose house she slept in, whose kids she played with, who she loves.
(watching Nick closely)
You know, she was so happy when she heard you were prosecuting the case.
NICK
Why?
JOHN
Look at it from her point of view. She loves you both. And she knows two things- her Aunt is innocent, and you are an honorable man who respects the truth.
He picks up the overturned chair and sits in it.
JOHN
…Of course, she doesn’t know that things have changed for you. Does she?
Nick gets up and looks out the window.
JOHN
Janet Maynard confided in Alyssa through it all. Lessie was her sounding board. She knows every step her Aunt took, and why.
John gathers his things.
JOHN
There’s no doubt this is a political lynching, Nick. The only question is what are you going to do about it.
The door opens and Crenshaw comes in.
CRENSHAW
What the hell’s going on here? The guard said there was trouble.
JOHN
We’re good, Mr District Attorney. We’re just finishing up.
Crenshaw ignores John and addresses Nick, still at the window.
CRENSHAW
Nick? What’s going on?
Nick turns from the window and moves to the table, without acknowledging Crenshaw. He pulls a piece of paper out of a pile, and writes something on it.
CRENSHAW
I’m talking to you, Nick. Have you got something to say to me?
NICK
Yes, I do. My friend, John, here, is right. This place stinks to high heaven and I need to get the whiff off me. So… I quit. Effective immediately.
(handing the paper to John)
Here. You’d better give this to him yourself.
Nick looks down at the paper as Nick walks toward the door.
JOHN
It’ll be a pleasure.
CRENSHAW
You can’t quit.
NICK
Of course I can. I just did.
John hands Crenshaw the paper.
JOHN
It appears I have a new witness for the defense.
CRENSHAW
(to Nick)
You’ll loose your license over this. I’ll make sure of it. We’ll never let you testify.
NICK
Maybe, not, but we’ll have a good fight. Won’t we, John?
JOHN
Without a doubt, my friend. Without a doubt.
They walk out together.
Crenshaw stands stunned for a moment, then lets out a LONG EXPLETIVE OF PRIMAL RAGE.
-
Hi Kristina,
Thank you for letting me read your scene. I’m sorry I’m so late in getting back to you, but I was sick a couple of days.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES:
Setting: it was interesting to have the setting that you did. An old-fashioned duel is new. However, I wanted more of the traits to come through in the duel. I was expecting some, conniving, betrayal to show up. Perhaps, Nick is really bent on killing John because he insisted his daughter was to marry the other man. Then, you could have Nick pretend courtesy, but his conniving trait comes to into play and he betrays John, either though he claims love for his daughter, and then shoots him.
I think you could have made the duel more suspenseful. A duel is dangerous, but I never felt that either man was in danger. Up the suspense. The apple eating didn’t make sense to me.
Nice twist that the duel is about Nick loving John’s daughter.
I think John showed loyalty to love in that he understood why Nick was here to duel with him.
Saw some use of mistrust when “John walks away a few paces, but doesn’t….” Also, his mistrust trait when he asks “Why are we here?”
You implied the loner trait when Nick says to John, “You don’t have many friends.”
All in all nice job. I enjoyed reading your scene. Keep up the good work.
Best, Judith
-
Hi George, I’m posting this a second time. I’m not sure I got it in the right place 1st time.
Judith’s review of George’s Scene Draft #1 of QE2
Hi George, yes this website seems like it’s really messed up. That aside, thank you for letting me read your scene. I apologize for the late return of my review, but I was sick a couple of days.
Scene was very interesting. I saw the good use of the interest techniques like the following:
Mislead/reveal; hope/fear; suspense; surprise; and betrayal.
For example, Nick puts his hand on the Glock strapped beneath the desktop, suspense.
Betrayal when John tells the secretary to leave. I was under the impression John and Nick had come to an agreement.
TRAITS
Use of traits that I saw were: John – daring, breaking into Nick’s office; distrust – “who are you and where is Fallon?” Again, distrust – “He’d sooner die than retire.”
Loner: “I don’t have any buddies.”
For Nick: conniving – Nick presses his lips together, forcing a smile and then says, “Well, this is obviously some sort of mix-up. Perhaps someone is playing a practical joke on you?”
“Nicolas Reginald Watt the third, but you can call me Nick.”, shows confidence. And confidence and conniving in saying, “But I assure you, Mr. Fallon didn’t send that.”
All in all, I think you did a good job. The only place that was confusing for me was when he drew his attention to the paintings. Perhaps clarifying that would help.
Best, Judith
-
LOGLINE: An corrupt older cop tries to recruit a younger cop, who resists.
ESSENCE: Corruption is a one-way street.
EXT. BOSTON, CHINATOWN, NIGHT.
NICK and JOHN are both Boston cops. Nick, 55, med height, cropped gray hair, tough as a $2 steak, confronts John, 33, ex-Marine, in the corner of a packed parking lot behind the Double Chin restaurant.
NICK
Do you have what I asked for or don’t you?
JOHN
Why wouldn’t I have it?
NICK
Because you’ve been dodging me.
JOHN
Have I?
NICK
All week… and you’re dodging me now.
JOHN
But I’m right here, so how is that dodging?
NICK
Because I’m still waitin’ for what you should’a brung three days ago.
JOHN
Well who “brung” it last time?
NICK
Nunya. Nunya Bidness! (grins at his clever answer)
JOHN
Sorry, did I violate some sort of unwritten dirty cop code?
NICK
(angry)
Don’t piss me off! If I’m dirty you’re dirty! Hell, if pickin’ up a buck or two on the side to keep things runnin’ smooth is dirty, then we’re all dirty. You know the City don’t pay us enough… You been dodgin’ us long enough and it’s time you get in. You wanna marry that cute girlfriend of yours someday, right? Maybe get a two-decker in Southie? Have a couple kids and all that happy family crap? Takes money…
Nick loses his composure and lets fly a stream of the vilest profanity, then stops, exasperated. He fixes his cold blue eyes on John and speaks in a measured, almost menacing tone.
NICK
Johnny boy, jump in, the water’s fine… I’ll even see if we can’t throw in a extra special signup bonus for ya!
John reaches into his jacket and starts to remove a thick envelope, but stops halfway.
JOHN
It was Bud, wasn’t it? He was the guy what “brung” it to ya last time.
NICK
Wrong-o Tonto, he’s as bad as you. Worse even. What a damn Boy Scout. It was Dennis. Member when he was out with the Covid? Weren’t Covid, he was fakin’ it. Ran some errands though and made some e-a-s-y money. Wicked easy.
Nick softens his tone a smidge.
NICK
You can too, pal, you can too! (extends his hand in a hand-it-over gesture) C’mon, give it…
JOHN
I’ll give it alright.
John stuffs the envelope firmly back in his pocket with finality and Nick instantly realizes he’s been had. He jumps back and draws his service revolver from a shoulder holster. John anticipated this and manages to knock the gun from his hand – barely – and the fight is on.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Ed Preston.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
-
LOGLINE: Nick has hit John’s car with his truck, meaning John will miss his soccer game.
ESSENCE: Nick is trying to protect his brother from losing in the game.
SCENE:AN AMBER LIGHT BLINKS.
A HAZARD LIGHT on a car…
…A RED MUSTANG that is crashed against a tree.
The door flops open. Out jumps JOHN, 17, athletic build, wearing a soccer uniform.
John rubs his sore neck and looks over his car.
The front is completely caved in against the tree. He touches it like it’s a dying friend.
He turns seeing a TRICKED OUT TRUCK in the middle of the intersection. The driver’s side headlight has been obliterated.
MAN (O.C.)
Are you okay, son?John sees a MAN holding a dog on a lead coming towards him, concern on his face.
JOHN
What’s it to you?MAN
Just trying to help. You got anyone you can call?John pushes past the man and storms towards the truck.
MAN
Slow down!John ignores him. Heading for the truck.
AT THE REAR OF THE TRUCK
NICK, 19, cut off t-shirt, sandals. A brash guy who is surrounded by a trio of 17 year old boys, including FRANK, who is dressed in a soccer uniform (different to John’s) and looks nervous.FRANK
I don’t wanna lie…NICK
Relax. It’s gonna work.FRANK
But everyone knows no one else drives your truck. I don’t wanna lie to the police—Nick opens his wallet and whips out some cash. He doesn’t even count it, just stuffs the bills into Frank’s palm.
NICK
Then let me do the talking.
(Noticing John coming their way)
Shut up. He’s coming.Frank looks from the money to John, storming towards them.
Nick, calm, waves at John.NICK
You okay man? We didn’t see you coming.JOHN
I had the green light.NICK
Nah, Frank did. Didn’t you Frank?Frank gives a small nod. John keeps his eyes on Nick.
JOHN
You wrecked my car. That was my dad’s.NICK
We saw you run the light. All of us saw it, right guys?Nick looks to the other guys. Frank, hands in his pockets, just nods again.
NICK
So it’s really your fault. But we don’t have to get the police involved.JOHN
I trust you less than I trust them.John rubs his neck.
JOHN
(To Frank)
You said you were driving?NICK
You’re not faking a neck injury, are you?JOHN
Depends. Are you pretending you weren’t driving?NICK
Frank—JOHN
And that you didn’t cut me off on purpose?FRANK
It was my fault…John rolls his eyes.
NICK
You heard the man.JOHN
I guess we’ll wait for the cops then. Do you have your license?Frank blushes.
NICK
We can settle this without them.JOHN
I need to go. My team is waiting for me.NICK
I thought you didn’t have any friends.JOHN
I’m going to miss my game.NICK
(Pointing to the other guys)
So are these guys. My brother too. Y’all were playing against each other today, right?JOHN
I wouldn’t call what your brother does ‘playing’.NICK
What’s that supposed to mean?Nick takes a step in John’s direction. The other guys, angry looks on their faces, move in behind Nick.
John, unafraid, closes on Nick. They’re a few feet away from each other.
JOHN
Your brother, sits on the end of the bench, getting water for the starters, holds their jackets, or an umbrella for the coach if it’s raining. He might as well be a coat rack.Nick looks to the other guys. They’re furious. Nick laughs.
NICK
Maybe you did hit your head in the crash.JOHN
You were driving. And you made me crash on purpose. You hit my car so I couldn’t play today and embarrass your little brother and your soft friends.NICK
It’s our word against yours. Who do you think the cops are gonna believe?John walks through the group.
NICK
What a loser.John makes a sharp turn and pulls open the driver side door of the truck.
NICK
Hey!But John is already inside. He emerges with a PHONE.
JOHN
This yours?Nick’s momentary silence confirms it. John juggles the phone from hand to hand.
NICK
What are you doing?JOHN
You’re going to give me a ride to my game. And then you’re going to admit what you did.NICK
You’ve got some balls on you. I’ll give you that.JOHN
I’m not letting my team down. So admit that you hit me, or do I have to open this phone and find the evidence I need?NICK
I’m giving you one last chance to hand me back my phone.John guesses the password on the phone.
NICK
Password protected.JOHN
I could guess it. 1, 2, 3, 4?NICK
I’m almost done being patient with you.JOHN
What you gonna do? People are watching.John points to the man with the dog, watching a short distance away.
NICK
You wanna fight, let’s go. I’ll even let you take the first swing.Nick offers his chin.
John takes a deep breath and his hand swings forward—
WITH THE PHONE. He uses Nick’s face to unlock it. Nick blinks, realizing what’s happening.
JOHN
Thanks.NICK
Hey! Give me my phone!John moves back towards his car.
JOHN
I’m pretty sure I have what I need now.John scrolls through Nick’s videos. He plays one: It’s Nick inside his truck, staring out at John getting into his Mustang about five minutes ago.
NICK
Give that back!Nick’s hand balls into a fist as he charges across the street at John.
John plays the video and Nick lunges at him, driving both of them into the street. -
NB I’m posting this even though it is an unfinished draft, since I am far behind and need to catch up.
FISHY BUSINESS
Logline: Ireland and Iceland show you don’t have to be a Great Power to go to war.
Essence: How diplomats bring war, not peace.
INT. UN SECURITY COUNCIL CHAMBER. DAY.
Iceland is presiding the Security Council. It is represented by its Ambassador, JÓN Jónsson. He is about to adjourn the meeting when NICK Murphy, the Ambassador of Ireland, starts to wave a bunch of papers in the air.
JÓN
I’d like to thank the United States for that briefing on progress in defeating the Taliban in Afghanistan. The meeting is adjourned!
NICK
(Shouting over the noise of chairs being pushed back.)
No, you don’t! No you don’t!
JÓN
Is the Representative of Ireland asking to take the floor?
NICK
I’ve been waving me ‘ands in the air for the past foive minutes, sure I ‘ave. Are ye bloind?
JÓN
Ireland has the floor. But, please be brief.
Other delegates reluctantly take their seats again to listen to Ireland.
NICK
I moight have the floor but Iceland has our fish!
JÓN
Could the distinguished representative of Ireland kindly keep to the agenda.
NICK
Well, you can stick this up your agenda!
There’s an outraged reaction from the other 14 countries around the table.
NICK
I meant, “on your agenda.” It’s, “Any udder business” sure it is.
JÓN
Please be brief, we only have interpretation till 1 pm.
NICK
Interpretation? Wish I’d known! I’d ‘a been speaking Gaeilge, sin do cinnte! Well, we’ve all learned a lot about Afghanistan this morning, but nothing about a coming war on our own doorstep.
A wave of astonished disbelief goes around the table. In the Visitor’s Gallery, people suddenly wake up. “War?” “War?” is heard.
NICK
(Addressing his US colleague)
Yes, you are not the only ones who can declare war, sure Oirland can do too, you know!
US AMBASSADOR
War against whom?!
NICK
Hope the Interpreters are getting this.
(Pointing a finger at the Icelandic president of the Security Council)
War against him, over der!
The bewildered delegates repeat: “Iceland?” “Iceland?” and share confused looks.
JÓN
(Using the gavel to try to bring order)
Please, please. I think we should move into private consultations for this matter.
NICK
No, you don’t! I want the world to know. You’ve been fishing in Oirish waters, and it’s got to stop… Or it’s war, sure it is!
UK AMBASSADOR
Holy mackerel!
JÓN
War?! War?! And the peaceful settlement of disputes?
NICK
You’ve had your chance at peace! I want to know how many tonnes of mackerel you’ve taken from us. You know the limit: 100,000 tonnes. So how much have you taken from Oirish tables?
Jón turns around to his advisers behind him who quickly pull out their cell phones and make calls.
NICK
I’ll tell you how much. Three times as much as ourselves and there are 5 million of us and just 370,000 of yourselves.
JÓN
Oh my God!
NICK
That’s it! You heard him! Omega! Iceland is trying to monopolize the global Omega 3 market.US AMBASSADOR
Think what that could do to our leadership in sports!
CHINESE AMBASSADOR
We have the monopoly on Omega 3. We won’t be challenged!
The meeting dissolves in chaos and Jon slips out of the room, quickly followed by his aides.
INT. OUTSIDE THE SECURITY COUNCIL CHAMBER.
Jon walks away, avoiding journalists’ questions. Nick siezes the opportunity.
NICK
It’s war, sure it is.
JOURNALIST
Ireland against Iceland? Couldn’t that be confusing for a lot of people?
NICK
There’s no confusion who’s going to win, for sure. We’ve got the US and China on our side!
END
Log in to reply.