Day 8 Assignment

[Sharon Scherle]

Jean’s Dialogue 1 + 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that looking for scenes to elevate the dialogue using attack/counterattack helped me pick out areas that could be improved. By doing this, it elevated the script that much more.

Here are some scenes that were improved:

Coffee Shop: Sharra meets Jaden to tell him what she’s discovered about their boss embezzling millions. There’s no argument. She agrees to everything he suggests. Boring. This pass, I’ve changed it up. He doesn’t think she has proof. She gets offended and tells him what she has. Then, when he suggests a job in Chicago, she reacts. Though not saying anything, we can tell she’s not happy with the place. Jaden notices and tells her to take it. Then, I have him try to hold her hands, which she slides free. It’s awkward. The whole scene now has tension for several reasons.

Executive Suite: Sharra has been stabbed. Though I had dialogue with arguing between Tanner and Lazarus, it still wasn’t strong enough. Tanner doesn’t think Sharra should be recruited where Lazarus does. Tanner doesn’t know Lazarus has inside information.

I add misinterpretation between the two: Tanner and Lazarus react to the situation: Tanner to the mugging and Lazarus to the stolen contract. Tanner thinks Lazarus is concerned about Sharra but he’s not. He’s more concerned about the contract. Tanner wants to ‘fix’ it, stop it before it happens, but now Lazarus doesn’t allow it, instead of keeping the events as they had happened. He sends Tanner to recover the contract. He’s not happy but goes to do it.

Also, Cam wants to take her back to the Vault for medical attention. This pass, I have Lazarus refuse it and not in a nice way. Then, he has to apologize for his abruptness.

Conway’s Living Room: Tanner bursts in and attacks Conway. Though the dialogue had a lot of attack/counterattacks, I thought it was a good scene to elevate. Tanner was demanding using violence to back it up. I took some of the dialogue out and just had Conway refuse to answer. That made Tanner’s quick temper explode. Instead of getting answers, Tanner ends up knocking Conway out which is not a good thing. And he still doesn’t have the stolen contract.

<div>Outside Vescorp building: Sharra just quit her
job and storms out. Tanner is waiting for her. He’s there to be her bodyguard
which she’s not happy about. It was okay but could be better. So, I reworked
the dialogue. Now, his offhanded comment hits a sore spot with Sharra. Remember,
he doesn’t want her to be recruited, and his prejudice colors his speech and attitude.
She thinks he’s just a jerk and is trying to get rid of him. But he can’t leave
because he’s been commanded by Lazarus to keep her safe. Another thing she
doesn’t know. In the half-page of dialogue, there is now a lot of subtext.
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Improving the character’s dialogue: Sharra Lane

Sharra is one of the main characters. She has a lot of dialogue so her voice has to be right. Has to be consistent. Doing it this way helped me pick out areas that were off and made it easier to fix and keep her true to character. It took a while but I’m much happier with the results.

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[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Dialogue 1 & 2

What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to make a fresh copy of my script for each lesson. I made changes in a bunch of passes in the same copy so I don’t have a “before/After” of my Attack/Counterattack dialogue although I made a number of changes throughout the script to make sure each conversation had it.

As I’ve gone through the script (at least 6 times in the rewrite lessons), I’ve had the sheet with my characters’ traits available all of the time to refer to. I think their voices are much clearer than if I hadn’t been focusing on traits. I probably have more work to do with that in future drafts.

[Tracy Cheney]

Tracy El Pueblo Dialogue 1/2

What I learned is how much I appreciated Janeen’s tips. Yes, I’ve changed things up so much, and haven’t kept copies as I go just for comparison’s sake.

I think my characters probably sound a lot alike on the page. I can hear them in my head, but they all seem to have the same amount of sentences on the page! Meaning: they are very verbal, too! There’s so much analysis I need to do for every pass. I need to spread everything out in front of me one of these days and just look at all of this without being in a rush.

[Rob Sutherland]

Rob’s Dialogue 1 and 2

Rewrote a scene with Detective White and added in his character trait about his passion for justice and conflict with his subordinates.