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Day 8 Assignments
Post your day 8 assignments here.
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Nadine Weathersby – Lesson 9 Critique Roger Nelson’s Scene of John and Nick
I am new a this. I feel that this was good, because it demonstrated the character traits of each character.
When John line said: “I hope you paid your hotel bill. Old Nugget sure could use the money.”
I did not understand the tie in. I think I would have said,” I hope you have your will in order, your family will need the money.”
Further, I would have had Jessica say, “My father used to beat me and touch me.”
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CM 8 QE Cycle #2 — Write this Scene
Hi All: I’m matching Lessons numerically with forum Days, therefore Lesson 8 on Day 8. That’s my process until I’m told otherwise.
Cheers, Syd
LOGLINE: Half-brothers fight, perhaps to the death, over their father’s legacy — a multi-billion dollar bio tech firm, complicated by their recent discovery that Dad was trafficking illegal tech.
ESSENCE: After growing up the illegitimate-have-not, John wants his share. Working at the company for years, Nick feels entitled to make the decisions and refuses to let the illegal money-making continue.
SCENE:
INT. ZERO CORP CONTROL ROOM — DAY
A fire alarm BLARES on a top floor of the evacuated Zero Corp building. NICK, 40, and JOHN, 38 are hunched behind opposite cubicles. Each man holds a hand gun. John furiously hacks into a server attaching a laptop to download information.
The sprinkler system goes off — it begins RAINING inside the office.
JOHN
Shit.
John scrambles — he finds an umbrella under the desk and props it over the system he’s hacking.
NICK
It’s too late.
John points it in the direction of Nick’s voice.
JOHN
Stay where you are! I’ll blow this whole building if I have to!
Nick hadn’t planned on moving. He sits on the floor, leaning against the cubicle as the water pours down from the sprinkler system. He sets his cell phone to RECORD.
NICK
As you’re in the building, I doubt that’s your next move?
JOHN
I have an escape plan. Do you?
NICK
The shares are yours. Dad wants you to have them. You own half.
JOHN
Not if you expose Dad’s dirty deals. The press will make this place a circus. Zero Corp goes down in flames. Half of nothing is nothing.
Nick simultaneously slides his CELL PHONE, still recording, close to John, while intentionally knocking over a trash can.
John SHOOTS in Nick’s direction. It was a warning shot, aimed high.
JOHN
The fire was fake, because I needed to clear the building. The bomb’s real. Don’t make me use it.
NICK
We can save the company. Sure, we’ll take hit in the short-term, but we own unrivaled tech — legitimate patents.
JOHN
We’ll be sued for billions. We’ll be criminals. You’re giving me half the liability. For a so-called genius, you’re kind of an idiot.
NICK
I know what this company’s worth. I know what it’s capable of accomplishing. We can rebuild.
JOHN
Says the guy who lives in a penthouse. You take down Zero Corp and it doesn’t change your lifestyle one bit.
NICK
You aren’t exactly starving. I’ve seen the operation you built. You impress me John.
JOHN
Yeah, impressive. I built it from dirt — no resources, no Ivy League education, no help — and I still don’t have a tenth of what you have. You walked into it. You were handed the company.
NICK
I’ve invested years! And created valuable IP!
JOHN
You were made CEO in your second year here. Dad, told me everything.
NICK
I personally developed our most successful tech! Most profitable legitimate tech!
JOHN
Good for you. And now you’re ready to smear your own father’s name — who made your success possible. Destroy our father’s legacy.
NICK
I don’t want blood on our hands. Do you? I have a daughter. One day you will too. I don’t want our legacy to be servicing dictators!
JOHN
You don’t want to share with your illegitimate brother.
NICK
Bullshit. I’m giving you half of all the patents! Legitimate patents!
JOHN
You’re not giving me anything. I own them, remember. Co-heir.
NICK
I created the valuable ones! My blood and my sweat! I did the R and D, applications, marketing and closed the deals!
JOHN
You were given the best education, money, time, resources, experts, not to mention the industry contacts. And then you convince yourself that you’re better than the slob on the street who’s got to hustle just to pay rent.
NICK
I wasn’t handed the patents, but I I’m handing them to you — because you are co-heir.
JOHN
Ah well, privilege is invisible to those who have it.
NICK
You can’t tell me you want their business! Now that you know who these guys are?
JOHN
Has it ever occurred to you that our government is just like “these guys,” and the only reason it’s illegal to do business with “these guys” is because our government doesn’t want the competition.
NICK
You don’t believe that. You can’t destroy all the evidence. Even if you blow the building and kill me, it’s still gonna get out.
JOHN
I don’t want to blow the building. And I certainly don’t want the evidence destroyed. You under estimate Dad.
NICK
What’s that supposed to mean?
JOHN
Dear ol’ Dad got in bed with some top officials. Not just our mothers.
NICK
Shut up!
Nick looks around a corner at the cell phone. He begins to slowly move toward John to recover the cell phone during the following.
JOHN
Truth hurts. I know. Let’s just say, that key members of the Senate are very invested in this piece of business not going public. So I’m not destroying the evidence, I’m keeping it safe so it doesn’t hurt them. And you will too, because, as CEO for the last 10 years, no one’s going to believe you weren’t involved.
John glances over and sees Nick sneaking closer. Suddenly, he sees Nick’s cell phone. Nick lunges for it.
John tackles him. They’re in all-out dog fight over the cell phone.
Meanwhile, John’s laptop finishes downloading all the evidence.
Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
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Assignment #8. QE Elevation
What I learned:
Situation: A face to face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight begins.
LOGLINE: Betrayal by a sibling causes bitterness to become deep seated.
ESSENCE: A Mother’s wedding ring, a symbol of love and family, is hocked by a brother who values money over family.
.John:
Daring-Tells it like it is.
Distrustful- has been hurt by family. Cheated by his brother; cheated by life,
Loyal: to his newly-dead mother. His job, a good employee, works at Good will, his dog,
Loner-likes to be alone, a thinker, introspective.
Scene arc: Just before the faceoff to the good guy has the info.
–JOHN: daring, distrustful, loyal, loner
John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.
NICK
Confident- Lawyer, older, well-liked, positions of leadership, well off.
Conniving- How he got to positions of being well off. He cheats, lies, flatters and sues people.
Rebellious-The rules do not apply to him.
Giving- buys friendships, prestige, big tipper.
–NICK: Confident, conniving, rebellious, giving
Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.
Cat and mouse game…
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INT. AL’S PUB-N.
JOHN LONG, 37, a man who hates pubs, has agreed to meet his brother, NICK LONG, 40, at his favorite hangout. The music is loud, the girls are hot, and John squirms as he checks his watch.
FLOSSIE, THE WAITRESS
(all twinkly looking)
Hi sugar, can I bring you something?
JOHN
Coffee? You have coffee?
FLOSSIE
Does this look like a coffee shop
to you? This is a bar, sugar.
She puts her hand over his shoulder.
He recoils.
FLOSSIE
You’re as uptight as they come.
What gives?
JOHN
I don’t like to be touched.
Flossie flounces back to the bar.
FLOSSIE
(rolls her eyes)
Excuse me…
NICK LONG, 40, appears and gives Flossie a hug. He is a lawyer whose God is money; whose family is more his lawyers, than his brother, John.
NICK
How you doing, girl?
He gazes through the smoke-hazed bar.
NICK
You seen an uptight guy round here?
Shy, keeps to himself, barely says
two words in a sentence?
FLOSSIE
The back table near the restroom.
He has a serious problem. Who is that,
dude?
NICK
(smiling at Flossie)
My brother.
FLOSSIE
(blushes)
I don’t mean to knock him…S-Sorry…
NICK
(laughs)
Not as sorry as I am…
You got some bourbon on
the rocks. I’m gonna’
need it.
FLOSSIE
Sure love, be right there.
NICK
(saunters to John’s table)
Hey Bro, what’s going on?
Flossie brings Nick’s drink. Nick hands her a twenty.
NICK
Keep the change, honey.
FLOSSIE
(flashes him a smile)
I love you so much.
NICK
Can I buy you something, John?
You hungry?
JOHN
Are you trying to get back into
my good graces?
NICK
(sips his bourbon)
Geez, what’s your problem? We
haven’t seen each other for years,
and you get weird when your brother
asks to buy you lunch?
JOHN
Your lunches are never free, Nick.
Last time it cost me an arm and a
leg– and the family business.
Remember?
NICK
Do we have to hash that again?
Can’t we just let it go?
JOHN
I want Mom’s wedding ring
to give to my fiancé. Where is it?
NICK
(swallows his drink)
Dunno’. Don’t you have it?
JOHN
You know the answer to that.
All I ever get dealing with you
is left in the cold.
NICK
(sarcastic)
You’re sounding pretty cold
right now. Have a drink, warm up
a little.
JOHN
That’s your cure for everything.
NICK
(smiling)
You’ve always been a good
brother. Dammit man, I can
buy her a ring better than any ring
around. Let bygones be bygones…
Pats John on the back.
JOHN
Don’t touch me. I just want the
ring. Where is it?
NICK
Come by the house we can look for
it together.
JOHN
(pulls something out of his pocket, and lays
it on the table.)
Not going to happen. This
is mom’s ring. You’re guilty
of hocking it, rather than
give it to your brother.
NICK
(Drains his glass)
So what? Everything belongs to me.
JOHN
That’s right, thanks to your fancy
lawyer. You have no right, but
you have always put yourself first.
John gives Nick a steely look of hate.
He grabs Nick by the collar and back
hands him. Nick lands on the floor.
Nick starts to get up, anger flashes his eyes,
then pauses. A gun barrel rests against his
forehead. The gun clicks.
JOHN
It’s a good thing we’re brothers,
(releases the trigger)
It’s the only thing that keeps
you alive.
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Hi Karen:
I’m assuming this is your rewrite. I’ve given some feedback below. If you have the time would love some feedback on my rewrite. I’ve posted it under “Day 10” banner.
I’m matching the Lesson with the same numbered Day in the forum — until someone tells me otherwise (i.e., Lesson 10 = Day 10). Write on.
Cheers, Syd
Syd Burtner’s Critique for Karen Crider — Cycle 2
I like that you gave the characters traits additional to the required ones. And, that these traits fed the narrative you created.
For John, I saw the daring in willingness knock out his brother (in his brother’s territory) to pull a gun on him. Distrust for his brother was clear as was loyalty to his mother. I’m guessing his dislike of being touched is a reference him being a loner, though you do make him have a fiancé — so not too much of a loner.
The narrative was about John tricking Nick — letting him lie about their mother’s ring.
Nick was interesting with the confidence and conniving traits being the strongest. He was giving, in his willingness to buy lunch — that appeared to be more of a conniving move, which may be a good thing. He is rebellious in the context of family. As for Nick’s subtext, perhaps, the intent was that he already took advantage by hocking the ring and his manipulation was to cover it up?
Overall, nice work!
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QE Cycle 2 Scene
SITUATION LOGLINE: A young man whose sister died of an overdose, confronts the leader of the drug dealers who pretends to be just a bodyguard.
ESSENCE: Nick wants revenge for the death of his sister.
SCENE: Nick approaches the house where the drug kingpin controls his empire.
EXT. NICK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
John hikes up the driveway. BAM! A water balloon explodes at his feet.
NICK
Is there any more of yah?Nick stands on the front porch. He leans a shotgun against the railing.
JOHN
Just me is plentyNICK
Say what?JOHN
What you see is what you got.NICK
You here applying to work?JOHN
Not hardly.
NICK
That’s good. Where’d you park?John nods at a kitted-out red F-150 across the street.
NICK
You got two hours. After that
it’s a sixty-three-dollar parking ticket.Nick pauses. Squints again at the Ford pickup.
NICK
That‘s my runner, Josh’s wheels.JOHN
Was. Is Masters in?NICK
Why?JOHN
I’m Emma’s brother.Nick is abruptly shaken. When he looks up, John points a revolver at his head.
John gestures. Nick backs away from the shotgun.
John tosses it into the bushes. They hear a muffled BOOM.
JOHN
You’re Masters, ain’t yah?Nick looks away.
JOHN
Thought so. Was it you pulled the trigger?NICK
What?JOHN
Narcs said she had way too
strong s dose for that one vial.Nick thinks about this.
NICK
Unless her and Josh had a jolt
before she took the second one.It’s now John’s turn to think. #
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