Day 8 Assignments

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 8

Subject: Alan’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is…even a minor change can dramatically improve the entertainment value of a scene.

Select at least three (3)
scenes in your Beat Sheet that you’d like to improve.

Scene 2 (E5) / Scene 3 (E4) / Scene 4 (E4) / Scene 24 (E4)

Tell us the purpose of each
scene you are improving.

Scene 2 – Misdirection that Jay could be an abductor.

Scene 3 – More misdirection that Jay could be an abductor.

Scene 4 – Setup scene for Holly’s abduction.

Scene 24 – Jay and Lacy break up.

Give us the “before and after”
of the beats you improve.

Scene 2 – Before

The Manager drops the Wanted Sketch on the hostess stand.

Scene 2 – After

A scarred hand drops the Wanted Sketch on the hostess stand.

Scene 3 – Before

Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

Scene 3 – After

Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. WAITRESS (18) with a scarred hand walks by and gives Jay a weird look. Jay and Holly get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom. (The dialogue in the scene needs improvement, too.)

Scene 4 – Before

A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30), chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

Scene 4 – After

A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30) checks the Rohypnol in his cargo pocket, then chats up Holly. He asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

Scene 24 – Before

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

Scene 24 – After

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to instead get her law school paid for by Jay’s dad.

Unbeknownst to them, Rolex Guy drives slowly past their house.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

Give us the updated Beat Sheet
with the improvements you’ve made.

Alan’s Story Beats v.5 – A BLIND EYE

For: My friends who have been victims.

1. (E7) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

2. (E5) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

A scarred hand drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of JAY CROCKETT (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.

3. (E4) AT BACK TABLE

Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. WAITRESS (18) with a scarred hand walks by and gives Jay a weird look. Jay and Holly get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

4. (E4) AT BAR

A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30), checks the Rohypnol in his cargo pocket, then chats up Holly. He asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

5. (E6) AT HOSTESS STAND

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

6. (E9) INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

7. (E8) INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old MADISON HANSON.

8. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and LACY (35), have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

9. (E6) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police DETECTIVE JOHN SWOBODA (45), and RACHEL QUINN (40), flash gold badges and talk with the hostess about the sketch.

10. (E6) EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.

11. (E3) INT. BIGGER TOWN BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

12. (E8) INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, ROLEX GUY (40), buys ERIN RAYNOR (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.

Jay sees Rolex Guy slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Guy carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Guy threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.

13. (E6) LATER

Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.

14. (E6) INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. CHINOOK HOSTESS (20s) and WAITRESS (18) positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

15. (E5) INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Here Jay speaks with a slight Irish accent. He stalks the terminal and finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry.” He buys lunch, calls the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She leaves with Jay.

16. (E4) INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

17. (E7) EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Guy drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

18. (E7) INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

Back in Scene 15, Jay was actually…FINN (35), Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Rolex Guy congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.

19. (E7) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

20. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

21. (E6) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

22. (E9) EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully. They investigate. No clues. Another dead end.

23. (E3) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

24. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Unbeknownst to them, Rolex Guy drives slowly past their house.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

25. (E6) INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

26. (E5) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

27. (E7) LATER

The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Guy, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, who had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.

28. (E6) LATER

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers plan to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

29. (E8) EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears a TRUCKER (55) and follows him to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

30. (E6) INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Guy as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

31. (E7) EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck BROTHEL THUG (40s) finds and chases Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

32. (E4) INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.

33. (E7) LATER

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin and Jay agree to sneak off to Mexico without telling the FBI. But Jay lets it leak. Quinn immediately suspects it’s fake. She calls the modeling agent and verifies the job is fake.

34. (E6) LATER

Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA for the fake modeling job as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA. Jay won’t fly. He drives to LA and meets Quinn.

35. (E9) EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up for the fake modeling job in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

36. (E6) EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

37. (E9) LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

38. (E6) INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Jay begs his and Holly’s rich FATHER (70s) for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.

39. (E8) EXT. Dongguan CHINA PARK – DAY

Overcoming his fear of flying, a nervous Jay and his dad’s SECURITY CHIEF (45), fly to China. There, traffickers pull a bait and switch. They deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.

40. (E4) INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

41. (E9) LATER

Jay and Chinese SECURITY GUY (30), go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as Security Guy. In her room, the Security Guy dressed up as Holly. There, he overpowers a guard and escapes. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

42. (E6) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.

43. (E5) INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT

Holly and Dan fly home to safety. Holly swears off ever using drugs again. They phone Holly’s dad. He tells them getting Jay back home doesn’t look good. Holly cries.

44. (E4) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – NIGHT

With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

[Erica Miner]

ASSIGNMENT

Subject: Erica Miner Elevated Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is…there are many different ways to approach improvement. And I have such a long way to go to improve all that is needed! (Sigh)

1. Select at least three (3) scenes in your Beat Sheet that you’d like to improve.

ACT 1

8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE

As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.

ACT TWO (b)

7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT

Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.

ACT THREE

5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.

2. Tell us the purpose of each scene you are improving.

ACT 1

8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE (Purpose: to show that Larry is hitting the ground running in his investigation by placing huge importance on the questions he is asking the musicians.)

As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.

ACT TWO (b)

7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT (Purpose: to show the emotional roller coaster Julia is on and to show that she is more than ready to trust Charles’s belief in her ability to tough things out.)

Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.

ACT THREE

5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY (Purpose: to show Julia’s determination to find out what clues might be hidden in Abel’s song and her willingness to forgive Charles for waiting so long to bring it to her.)

Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.

3. Give us the “before and after” of the beats you improve.

ACT 1

8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE

Before: As Larry installs himself to question the musicians, Julia expresses her worry to Sidney that his hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.

After: Larry, his expression grim, installs himself in an “interrogation” setup at a table with a chair opposite him, to question the musicians. Julia, still angry at his ordering the Officer to drag her away from Abel’s body, jumps up and starts to move in Larry’s direction, muttering indignantly. When Sidney restrains her, Julia admits she is terrified that Sidney’s hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.

ACT TWO (b)

7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT (Purpose: to show the emotional roller coaster Julia is on and to show that she is more than ready to trust Charles’s belief in her ability to tough things out.)

Before: Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.

After: Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. He is surprised when she tells him found page two of Abel’s song in her cubby. When she admits she is too troubled over Matt’s absence and Sidney’s anger at her to be able to perform that night, he expresses his confidence in her ability to overcome adversity and must try her. Touched by Charles’s concern for her, Julia agrees. When she reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance, she detects a slight annoyance in his voice.

ACT THREE

5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Before: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. Singing it together, they are both jarred by the glaringly wrong note. Charles proposes that Julia take the music to the Met, so she can practice it on her violin to examine it more carefully for clues.

After: Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. But when they sing it together, she is in disbelief that he doesn’t find anything about it that sounds incongruous or jarring and in fact seems totally annoyed and irritated with her. He grudgingly suggests that if she is still convinced something is wrong with the notes, she is on her own and should take the music to the Met and practice it there. Julia is taken aback by Charles’s sudden change in attitude.

4. Give us the updated Beat Sheet with the improvements you’ve made.

LIST OF BEATS: MURDER IN THE PIT

1. INT. METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE/HALLWAY – EVENING

Ingenuous, starry-eyed young violinist Julia, making her debut playing in the prestigious Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, is worried when she overhears a heated argument involving her between her mentor, Abel, a famous conductor, and Sidney, her closest orchestra colleague.

2. INT. ABEL’S DRESSING ROOM

Abel gifts Julia with a jeweled pin in the shape of a violin and a strange song he has written for her. She is alarmed when she reads, scribbled at the bottom, “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” He is evasive when she asks him about the bizarre inscription.

3. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM

After Sidney’s turbulent argument with Abel, Charles, a tenor who sings minor roles, offers Sidney a cup of coffee. Despite the possibility the beverage might exacerbate his diverticulitis, Sidney downs the cup in one gulp. [Sidney meets Charles outside Abel’s dressing room. Sidney insists Charles give him the cup of coffee he is slurping, even though Sidney knows the coffee will upset his diverticulitis.]

4. INT. ORCHESTRA PIT

Julia becomes concerned when Sidney precipitously leaves the pit, clutching his stomach. She’s even more anxious when she sees out of the corner of her eye the glint of a metal object coming from the direction of the Viewing Room high up in the balcony.

5. INT. PIT

Julia watches in horror as Abel is shot on the podium and topples to the floor in a pool of blood. She cradles his body in her arms.

6. INT. PIT

NYPD detective Larry and his partner Buddy arrive on the scene and order an Officer to remove Julia from the pit. The Officer literally has to pull her from Abel’s body, dragging her away, kicking and screaming that she hates them.

7. INT. VIEWING ROOM

Following the Medical Examiner’s inference that the shot came from a high angle, Larry and Buddy inspect the high-up Viewing Room, looking for evidence of the shooting. Larry spots a spent bullet casing wedged in a crack in the floor. After a massive struggle, he finally manages to pry it out.

*8. INT. ORCHESTRA LOUNGE

Larry, his expression grim, installs himself in an “interrogation” setup at a table with a chair opposite him, to question the musicians. Julia, still angry at his ordering the Officer to drag her away from Abel’s body, jumps up and starts to move in Larry’s direction, muttering indignantly. When Sidney restrains her, Julia admits she is terrified that Sidney’s hasty exit from the pit just before Abel’s murder might make Larry suspect Sidney of the crime.

9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT

An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.

10. EXT. BROADWAY

On a huge, high up TV screen overlooking Lincoln Plaza, Julia sees a news headline: Sidney has been arrested and charged as a suspect in Abel’s murder. Julia vows, to her close friend and colleague Katie, to prove Sidney’s innocence and find Abel’s real killer.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO (a)

1. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, 20^TH PRECINCT

Larry and Buddy inform Sidney that the shell casing of the bullet that killed Abel, found in the Viewing Room of the opera house, matches one of those found in his apartment. That evidence, plus a packet of love letters between Sidney and Abel revealing Sidney’s raging jealousy over being dumped, point to Sidney’s guilt.

2. INT. JULIA/KATIE’S APARTMENT

Julia tells Katie that she thinks Sid has been framed. When Katie expresses her concern at Julia’s determination to investigate on her own, Julia points out that Sidney is like a brother to them both, and they can’t just stand idly by while he faces prosecution—or worse.

3. INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM

Remembering that Abel’s song contained a warning that something might happen to him, Julia tries playing the song to look for clues. Both she and Katie are stunned when they hear a bizarre wrong note and discover that the second page is missing.

4. INT. ARTISTS’ PRACTICE STUDIO – DAY

After Julia tells Charles about the bizarre note in Abel’s song, Charles suggests Julia bring the music to his artists’ practice studio to figure out what’s wrong. He admits his attraction to her and kisses her passionately. Julia resists at first, then succumbs to his embrace and forgets all about the song, at least temporarily.

5. INT. BACKSTAGE

Julia approaches Sidney’s friend, head stagehand Matt, to help find out who may have framed Sidney, Matt admits he and Sidney have had a falling out. He nervously suggests that Julia meet him later in the stagehands’ locker room. When Julia becomes uncomfortable at the disapproving stare of Matt’s assistant, Frank, Matt assures her Frank is surly to everyone.

6. INT. PIT

Larry undermines Julia’s belief that Sidney is innocent by telling her that Sidney’s uncle has taught him to be a crack shot with the type of rifle used to assassinate Abel. Julia becomes too agitated to play. Tony grudgingly agrees to allow her a small amount of bereavement time.

7. INT. STAGEHANDS’ LOCKER ROOM

Julia tiptoes into the room, looking for Matt but instead encountering a glowering Frank, who tells her the place is off-limits for anyone but stagehands. Intimidated by his menacing attitude, Julia bolts.

8. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT

After Sidney’s release from jail, he is grateful to Julia for picking him up and dropping him at his apartment. But when she asks him who might have framed him, and he snarls at her to get off his case, she becomes distraught.

9. INT. BACKSTAGE/WINGS – DAY

Feeling regrets at having given in to Charles, Julia deflects his further intimate overtures. Instead, she shares her concern that Matt is missing from his onstage duties. She asks Charles if he’s brought the page of the song that she left with him. He apologizes for not having it and promises to go over the music with her later. She is too emotionally overwrought to see that he is hiding something.

10. INT. CONDUCTOR’S DRESSING ROOM

Julia is troubled to find that the configuration of pieces on Abel’s chess board has been changed and suspects it might have been done by Abel’s killer.

ACT TWO (b)

1. INT. HALLWAY IN FRONT OF MEN’S LOCKER ROOM – DAY

Julia is mystified when she finds an envelope in her mailbox cubby containing the missing page of Abel’s song. She doesn’t know a potential attacker, hidden out of sight behind a corner, is watching her every move.

2. INT. STAGE/PIT

During a rehearsal with a squad of Super Numerary Soldiers, the lead tenor is shot for real and badly wounded, sending company members into a panic.

3. INT. WINGS

Amidst the pandemonium backstage, Larry spies Damon in a soldier costume trying to sneak away and finds live ammunition instead of blanks in Damon’s stage rifle. He arrests Damon.

4. INT. STAGE

General Manager Patricia insists the rehearsal continue, despite the violence that has just occurred. Charles doesn’t hide his triumphant glow at being the one to replace the injured tenor onstage.

5. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS/INTERROGATION ROOM

Larry demands to know what Damon was doing with a loaded rifle. Damon claims not to have noticed the bullets were real and begs Larry not to lock him up. Larry assures him that a night in jail will give him time to rethink his claim.

6. INT. WINGS

Patricia waylays Sidney on his way to the pit. She reprimands him for daring to even make an appearance after the scandal he has caused and the damage he has done to the Met’s reputation with his criminal activities. He storms off.

7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT

Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. She tells him she is still reeling from recent events and doesn’t feel capable of playing the performance that night. With encouraging words, he finally convinces her to play. She reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance.

ACT TWO (b)

*7. INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT

Charles calls Julia to ask how she is holding up. He is surprised when she tells him found page two of Abel’s song in her cubby. When she admits she is too troubled over Matt’s absence and Sidney’s anger at her to be able to perform that night, he expresses his confidence in her ability to overcome adversity and must try her. Touched by Charles’s concern for her, Julia agrees. When she reminds him to bring page one of Abel’s song to the performance, she detects a slight annoyance in his voice.

8. INT. STAGE DOOR – EVENING

Julia insists to Larry that whoever moved the pieces on Abel’s chessboard might be Abel’s murderer, returned to the scene of the crime, and asks him to investigate further. He refuses, telling her to mind her own business.

9. INT. WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM

Julia is puzzled when she finds a strange note from Larry attached to her locker asking her to meet him in the pit.

10. INT. PIT

Julia is surprised not to find Larry anywhere in the pit. Instead, she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body in an opening of the pit wall. She is devastated.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM

To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.

2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY

Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she had left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer. This time he agrees.

3. INT. ONSTAGE

Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She reluctantly believes him but is terrified.

4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET

Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. Afterward, on the street, they are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone approaching from the other end of the street. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment, where he will assign a police guard at the door to protect her.

*5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. But when they sing it together, she is in disbelief that he doesn’t find anything about it that sounds incongruous or jarring and in fact seems totally annoyed and irritated with her. He grudgingly suggests that if she is still convinced something is wrong with the notes, she is on her own and should take the music to the Met and practice it there. Julia is taken aback by Charles’s sudden change in attitude.

6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING

As she tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, her jeweled violin pin slips off Julia’s blouse and falls to the floor, shattering. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and sends Buddy with it to H.Q. for analysis.

7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE

Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout, about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by Carl Trudeau, brother of Abel Trudeau. Realizing Carl actually is Charles, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.

8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF

Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.

9. EXT. ROOF

Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.

10. INT. PIT – EVENING

Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Elevated Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is changing scenes is so much easier when you can see the continuity in 2-3 lines instead of pages. I did cheat a little and only posted the beat pages with the majority of the changes made. I haven’t completely combed the beats for other upgrades.

Logline – A grieving woman believes her home security agent is responsible for her mother’s sudden death, and to prove it must put herself under his scrutiny while searching for evidence.

First scene to improve: Before

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

Dennis waits the noise of rescue, prompts Monica on her confession. At the last minute she rallies and demands his arrest. When he reaches for her Coco shoots him.

**how can we elevate this, given that Coco thinks Monica is the guilty party? Does Warren call her over the radio with the discovery in Dennis’ place? Where would that go in the sequence?

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE

Paul waits anxiously at an ambulance, pacing out nerves. Monica is led out of the house. She’s wracked with guilt over Dennis’ death.

AFTER

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

Monica is quiet under Dennis’ guidance. The door opens and Coco enters, gun drawn, but not sure who to aim at. Monica rallies and calls out Dennis, quoting the conversation. When he lunges for her Coco shoots him.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE

Paul waits anxiously, pacing out nerves. Coco and Monica come out. Monica’s shell-shocked from the concussion. Coco apologizes for her assumptions, explains Dennis’ overreach. So, who’s watching the watchers?

I’m considering adding a tag scene. The house with shutters gone, gardeners at work. Inside the bunker, Monica’s set up a memorial with 2 urns and artificial flowers, photos. Upstairs Paul supervises the removal of the security cameras.

SECOND CHANGE: Before

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Ever-vigilant Dennis consoles Rosemary over the sudden dinner plans. He then works with Miss Ann, coldly authoritarian in confining her to the house.

AFTER:

This scene splits into 2 with Dennis’ intro moving up to opening spot.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Dennis is coolly authoritarian with client Miss Ann, keeping the old woman locked in for her own good. Co-worker SAM arrives for his shift, worries about changes Dennis has instituted in the programs, calls him a yenta.

Third change: Before

(E6) INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He worries about Monica’s snarky attitude.

(E4) INT. ADVERTISING AGENCY – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Colin leaves when Monica takes a call from Officer Warren complaining about Rosemary’s latest 911 call for help. Monica calls All Eyes and confirms its another false alarm, apologizes with barely concealed annoyance for Rosemary.

AFTER

To beef up Monica’s first appearance and to add some action, I’m putting her in motion

INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He worries about Monica’s snarky attitude.

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Colin and Monica discuss changes to her ad while she drives to meet cops at Mom’s house for another false alarm. This shows she’s not just snarky and out patience, she has confidence in herself to drive like a formula one driver and handle police.

NEW BEAT SHEET

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Dennis is coolly authoritarian with client Miss Ann, keeping the old woman locked in for her own good. Co-worker SAM arrives for his shift, worries about changes Dennis has instituted in the programs, calls him a yenta. Must mention All Eyes name to tie in with following scene.

INT./EXT. MANSION – NIGHT

A burglar targets a lonely Victorian mansion and the old woman inside. She hides in a closet gripping a riot stick.

INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He worries about Monica’s snarky attitude.

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Colin and Monica discuss changes to her ad while she drives to meet cops at Mom’s house for another false alarm. This shows she’s not just snarky and out patience, she has confidence in herself to drive like a formula one driver and handle police.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY

Monica lets in cops and fire fighters at the gated entry, apologizing for Mom’s latest figment.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – DAY

With Officer Warren present, Monica coaxes Rosemary out of the bunker.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY

Monica and Warren prove to Rosemary there’s no burglar. Monica walks Warren back to the cars, chiding him that she has requested a Baker Act as help.

4. (E7) Monica vents her frustrations to fiancé Paul. He dares her to take off for a weekend. When she demurs he insists he meet Rosemary and they make a dinner date for that night.

5. (E5) Ever-vigilant Dennis consoles Rosemary over the sudden dinner plans.

6. (E3) An elegant three story Victorian, with locked storm shutters and a key pad entry way into an airlock sized vestibule.

7. (E4) Monica introduces Paul to the 8 bedrooms, secret passages and a cold war era bomb shelter. Dinner goes well until Rosemary overhears a cutting remark and dumps coffee on Paul.

8. (E8) Monica apologizes, then spitefully decides to take up Paul’s offer of the getaway.

9. (E6) Rosemary calls Dennis fearful of a burglar, except its only a tree branch shadow. She blames Monica for taking off, neglects her diabetes meds.

10. (E8) Dennis works with a worried woman, tracks a wandering old man to a boat shed, locks him in until the family can get there, subjects the man to ear-blasting music as punishment.

11. (E5) Monica has misgivings about leaving Mom alone. There’s no phone service and Paul accuses her of being an enabler. They have a tense first night alone.

12. (E9) Dennis lives in a cottage house on the neighboring estate, with a duplicate of his work station, detailed drawings of Rosemary’s house and 24/7 access if he chooses.

(E6) In a fog, Rosemary putters around the house. A news report on e-coli causes alarm and she throws out all her food. Day agent Sam is no help when she calls in a panic about her meds.

13. (E6) Alison reprimands Dennis over the old man. He’s valuable to her but needs to stay within company guidelines.

14. (E4) Monica starts to relax for the first time in forever.

15. (E8) INT. Paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion, interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does.

16. (E5) Dennis’ client, Miss Ann, escapes the house despite his best efforts. Office Manager Alison confirms he did his best, but he’s still annoyed.

17. (E6) Rosemary hides her reel to reel tapes. When a noise scares her she runs to her second floor closet to hide.

18. (E9) Returning home, Dennis doesn’t do his normal check in on Rosemary from his home set up.

19. (E9) When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead. Officer Warren calls in Detective Coco Rivera as standard procedure. Coco immediately thinks Monica abused the old woman. Monica’s in no mood for her pointed questions.

20. (E3) Office manager Alison debriefs the agents on Rosemary’s death. All Eyes has been cleared of any wrong doing.

21. (E4) Coco goes through Warren’s records of Rosemary’s 911 calls, thinks she has a case of elder abuse. Warren tries to deflect her but Coco is on a roll. She’s seen this stuff before.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

Coco visits Rosemary’s physician, looking for facts to support her theory that Monica was an abuser. She leaves disappointed.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – ALISON’S OFFICE – DAY

Coco stops by with questions. Alison backs up her people. Dennis adds comments that seem to back up Coco’s suspicions of Monica’s behavior.

INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica returns to work, outwardly stoic, but not interested in the work. Coco drops in with more questions. Monica’s answers seem evasive.

INT. ADVERTISING AGENCY – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Sam drops by to offer condolences. After Coco’s questions, when he vaguely hints Dennis overstepped his duty she assumes Dennis is guilty.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Monica confronts Alison and Dennis in a fury. She breaks a mirror he uses to watch his back, not angry to note his bout of claustrophobia.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY

Monica starts her search of Mom’s paranoid recordings. Drinking too much, upset by Dennis and Rosemary’s kibbutzing about her, she berates him over the monitors.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Dennis has no reason to believe he’s culpable, but looks through his records anyway.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Monica gets to the last phone call and there it is, “If you’re having an issue throw your meds out and call your doctor”. But first she has to investigate a noise upstairs.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT

At home, Dennis finds the same call on his backup system. It’s not a smoking gun but still worrisome. He edits the file, then checks for Monica. Not at the computer. He hacks in to edit her computer’s version.

29. (E6) Monica finds a slightly open window and
a broken vase. She cleans up the mess.

30. (E7) Dennis finishes his work, shuts down
the connection.

31. (E3) Monica returns to the desk, decides
she’s exhausted. Shuts the computer and heads to bed.

32. (E3) Coco’s captain returns her preliminary
report. Coroner found no physical evidence of abuse, confirms diabetes
complications. Drop the case.

34. (E7) Refreshed, Monica can’t find the
recording. Paul calls to check on her. They find the outside computer hack. He
tells her to get out.

She’s packing up when she finds the reel to reel
tape recorder. With that tape she doesn’t need the computer file.

35. (E4) Monica yanks the drawer open. CD discs
skitter into a sloppy pile – all music albums. She addresses the funerary urn.
You moved their hiding spot! Then the electric goes out.

36. (E3) Monica calls the power company, gets a
recording of the outage. Grabbing a flashlight she starts a search.

MONTAGE:

HALL – Get emergency lights going.

SEWING ROOM – Piles of material stack the
tables.

DINING ROOM – Monica empties a credenza of
silverware and good plates.

BEDROOM – Stripped down to a tank top and shorts
in the heat, Monica turns out dressers, checks closets.

SMALL BEDROOM – Windows opened bare cracks don’t
help any. Monica drinks some water, splashes more on her face.