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Day 8 Assignments
Post your assignment by replying here.
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15 Replies
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QE Cycle #2 Scene
Logline: Nick faces John, a fellow agent, and attempts to extract information.
Essence: Two agents, Nick and John, have to protect their own individual interests and assets.
EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – NIGHT
JOHN (30) searches the dark perimeter with flashlight in hand. He checks behind him in all directions. No one.
He reaches a dirt patch and takes out his cell phone. Nods as if to say “I’ve found it.” He sets the flashlight on the ground and begins to unearth something…
NICK (O.S.)
You were always the best.
NICK (45), with a smirk, startles John and marches toward him. He records on his cell phone video of John digging.
John immediately stops digging.
NICK
You never wanted help. Even with the most dangerous assignments.
JOHN
You’re calling this an assignment?
John hops to his feet with flashlight in hand.
NICK
I made you into the agent you are, John.
JOHN
And I’ve given the agency my full allegiance. Without reservation, always.
NICK
Why would you be at this location? Without backup?
JOHN
Mumford said to come alone. What’s this questioning? Why are you here?
NICK
I need the name of your asset.
Unbeknownst to John and Nick, a figure in the distant shadows observes the exchange.
JOHN
I can’t do that. At least not now.
NICK
You don’t want a poor evaluation? Which could derail your career.
JOHN
You never played by the rules.
Nick winces in disgust.
NICK
I am the senior officer here.
JOHN
Exactly. You should set the example for all of us.
NICK
Are you going to cooperate?
JOHN
At this point I should be asking you the same.
Nick glances at the ground where John was digging.
NICK
The name I’m looking for is dug up.
John kicks dirt on the patch.
NICK
You never make things easy.
Nick places his cell phone inside his jacket’s pocket. Then flexes as he makes two fists.
JOHN
We’re on the same team, Nick.
NICK
Take out what you have hidden.
John in defiance kicks more dirt on the patch.
JOHN
There’s nothing there. Just dirt.
Nick lunges toward the patch. But is shoved to the side by John.
JOHN
This is gonna look bad for both of us.
NICK
You can save yourself. Your choice.
John notices Nick inching towards the dirt patch.
JOHN
Alright, Nick. My asset is Darcy Snow. She works at the embassy as a liaison for the foreign press.
Nick studies John, circumspect.
NICK
That’s your only asset.
John nods.
JOHN
This is a new assignment. One that takes time.
Nick offers another smirk.
NICK
That wasn’t so hard.
Nick proceeds to investigate the unearthed item. This time John’s shove turns into a scuffle with Nick.
Both men engage in a hand-to-hand military style combat.
NICK
There has to be more.
Nick overpowers John who fights to protect his interest.
Nick lands a punch as John rolls over the patch. He unearths what seems to be a firearm and points it at Nick.
NICK
You’ll never be able to make things right.
Nick lunges. BANG! A shot to the chest. Nick DROPS and lies motionless.
JOHN
Now you know what was hidden.
The distant figure emerges from the darkness and shakes his head at the aftermath.
JOHN
How do we explain this?
MUMFORD
He crossed the line many times. This was inevitable.
John takes out his cell phone and makes a call.
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Hello James, I like your scene, lots of suspense and intrigue. Interesting reversal / twist and surprise with Nick, who surprises John by approaching him secretly, ends up shot (having been Mumford’s target). I would be interested in knowing the item referred to in the middle of the scene (was that the handgun?) and whom John telephones at the end of scene.
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Hi Michael, thank you for your thoughts on my scene. Yes, the items referred to included the handgun and sealed documents, which I probably have to make clearer in my rewrite. These were items John (and Mumford) was keeping secret. The call at the end was to local authorities to come by and remove the body from the site. This brings up an interesting aspect to the scene. Maybe John and Mumford are rogue agents, which could add even more interest techniques and reverse what came before. Thank you again and keep writing!
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Kathleen S.
Lesson#8
QEcycle2
LOGLINE: John K. is a mail delivery driver who stops at the county Psych ward and takes a break there while talking to the patient, Nick S. and his doctor, Dr. Mann. Meanwhile, he is jumped and the patient escapes with his truck.
ESSENCE: This is what happens when a mailman is left alone with a nut, who talks him into letting his guard down.
SCENE:
The delivery man, John has to find the right person to give the package to and get his signature. A doctor tells him to wait and he’ll get the patient Nick. They have misjudged the nut who was capable of escaping and stealing the mail van after threatening John and stealing his clothes.
JOHN K.WHO IS A FED EX DELIVERY MAN IS DRIVING HIS VAN DOWN THE STREET ON HIS WAY TO THE NEXT STOP, THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
John K., is a mail delivery driver driving down a busy road on his way to the next stop. He’s listening to some music on the radio, and thinking about the long lonely hours in his van and empty soda can. The next stop is the county Psychiatric Hospital Ward room 324, and the package is a middle-sized box for Nick Scott. Traffic slows, and John sings along to a song…
John looks at the traffic and the empty soda can in his cup holder.
He starts singing in a low tone to an AC/DC song:
JOHN
“…No stop signs,
Speed limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel
Gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me around… !”
John slows the van and parks in front of the building. He gets the box out, and steps up to the sidewalk and heads into the front entrance.
JOHN
Hello, I have to deliver this box to patient Nick Scott in room 324. Can he sign for it, please?
FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST
Hello, yes- let me see if Nick is available.
She dials the room.
No answer. It’s just around the corner if you want to knock.
Peering around the corner just down the hall there is a man overhearing this. He says to John,
DOC MANN
I’m Nick’s Doctor. Doctor Mann. I will sign for the package if you want. Nick might be sleeping. I’ve recommended long rests for him. It might be best that I take it, I might not allow him to have it.
JOHN
Let’s knock, please? Then I’ll have him sign for it. It’s better than having you sign for his mail don’t you think?
DOC MANN
His mother does if she’s visiting. she hasn’t been here in weeks.
John knocks on door 324.
DOC
You see, sometimes he’s not allowed to keep packages, especially when they’re full of home baked goods. Let me open the door and see.
Doc opens the door.
Nick, you’re awake! There’s mail. Look here-
NICK
Hello, Doctor!
JOHN
Sign here please.
NICK-
Just a moment- is it for me, really? My name is Don Pardo. Is this free?
DOCTOR
You’re name isn’t Don Pardo.
NICK
Is that who it’s for?
DOC
You’re Nick Scott.
JOHN
If you’re name is Don Pardo, then I drive a white van.
DOC
It’s Nick.
He signs it.
Of course it’s for Nick. Let me get you a soda my friend!
Doctor, please let him stay and see what’s in the box! If it’s allowed… will you stay?
JOHN
Yes!
Nick hands John a coke.
NICK
Here-
JOHN
Thank you, it’s nice and cold. I guess a break from my route couldn’t hurt.
Nick opens the box with excitement.
NICK
Fresh bakery. Here take some cookies- please!
DOC
Thank you!
Just then a woman appears from down the hall. As she walks by she calls the doctor’s name. With cookies, He steps out into the hall.
NICK
Going crazy
Oh, I’ve got to show Doc this! How perfectly comforting…
It’s a teddy bear! Oh, it’s perfect, and it’s mine!
He begins cradling it and petting it’s head.
John is eating cookies.
JOHN
A present, look at that.
These cookies are very good. Thank your Ma. I don’t usually have cookies with nuts. Say, when do you get out of here?
Well, I’ve got to be going … is that the bathroom?
NICK
Sure. Just don’t leave.
I’m nuts I tell you… I have an identity disorder because Mama never gave me one of these when I was a kid. W-a-a-! Teddy! W-a-a-, Mama!
He opens the teddy bear and takes a gun out of it.
Ha, ha! Take this, I’ll show you! Stay quiet, get in that bathroom!
JOHN
Uh- oh, No! Don’t mess me around! It was only a joke I was telling!
NICK
Undress or I’ll shoot you in the nuts!
JOHN
Shit! You can’t be serious!
Nick hold the gun on him
Give me your clothes.
JOHN
Ugh!
Nick slugs him and knocks him out, John loses consciousness and then shuts John in the bathroom. He dresses in the uniform and escapes outside. No one is the wiser. He jumps into the Fed Ex van and drives off laughing.
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LOGLINE: The Payback
ESSENCE:
Old on young – with different points of view.SCENE:
They exit the bank together onto a hot crowded
sidewalk. The older man, twice the age of the younger one, puts a restraining
hand on his arm.NICK
Hey, but what about all the drinks, smokes and
meals I staked you for?JOHN
Whatcha mean?
(indignant)
I never asked you for any of it. And half of it
I never even wanted. If I’d known you were going to ask for everything back,
I’d never have taken any of it. Or I’d have kept a strict account, taken only
the absolute minimum.NICK
Well, you shoulda thought about that at the
time… Who’d ya think I was? Some kind of Rockefeller?!JOHN
Thing was, I figured you were buying company,
‘cos you didn’t like being alone. And I wasn’t the only one you offered drinks
too…NICK
Sure, but they took a turn buying rounds.
JOHN
Some of them, sometimes…
NICK
You trying to cheat me out of my money?
JOHN
Like you say, it was your money. You did with it
what you wanted. I never asked for any of it.NICK
Oh no? But you were happy enough to take what
was on offer!JOHN
And so you would have been, in a similar
situation.Nick’s strong forearms show a mess of veins
blackened by years of shooting up.NICK
So, you want to weasel out of you debt, huh? You
think I’m gonna let you do that?!He hitches up the waist of his pants with the
inside of his wrists, like a boxer in gloves hitches up his shorts.JOHN
We’re not talking debt. For there to be a debt,
someone first has to borrow. I never borrowed anything. And I certainly never
asked for anything, either.(beat)
I was under the mistaken impression that you
were just generous. You seem to have been under the impression that I was
racking up debt!NICK
You slimy little weasel! I’ll knock seven kinds
of shit out of ya!He moves forward aggressively, but John steps
away.JOHN
You can try. But you’ll have to catch me first!
I’m not gonna stand up to the ex-fly weight champion of the Seventh Fleet! And
I know you have a knife…NICK
You little bastard!
JOHN
You forget, Nick, we don’t all have the luxury
of a family sending us a monthly allowance. But then you’re too busy buying admirers
and playing ‘last of the big time spenders’ to think about that.John waives a meagre bundle of dollar bills.
JOHN
This flimsy paycheck is all I’ve got. And I
intend keeping every penny of it.NICK
Why you freeloading son of a bitch!
He lunges, but John steps back. A car swerves
around him.NICK
You goddamn sponger!
JOHN
Beggars can’t be choosers, Nick. I thought you
were one thing. You thought I was another. Let’s say that we were both
mistaken…NICK
You little rat! Put ‘em up and fight!
Instead, John steps farther back into the
roadway, one eye on approaching traffic.JOHN
I always heard that ‘Discretion is the better
part of Valor.’ So if you don’t mind, I’ll use my discretion…With a gap in the traffic he quickly slips across the road. Nick starts out after him, but is forced to wait a few moments.
On the other sidewalk, John purposely jogs, dodging pedestrians.
Eyes narrowed Nick reaches the other sidewalk and breaks into a run. But after
twenty paces he slows and hitches up his pants with his wrists. He slicks back greasy
sideburns with a worn comb, then slides into a nearby bar.NICK
Vodka. And gimme a beer with that.
The bartender pours a shot glass full to the brim. Nick eyes Its bulging meniscus as it trembles, threatening to run over the edge. His hands on the edge of the bar, Nick steadies himself, leans forward and with religious concentration
slurps the excess liquid without spilling a drop. He tosses back the shot, shivers and
grimaces as though swallowing medicine, and arrogantly waves the empty glass at the
bartender.He turns his back to the bar, leaning his
elbows on it, nodding to himself knowingly. He begins to carefully survey the customers. -
MICHAEL GRECO LESSON 8 SCENE JOHN NICK FIGHT 7 27 21
LOGLINE: JOHN and NICK are henchmen for Fat Yelic, the mob capo; both collect tributes from contractors, restaurants and nightclubs. One of them has evidently been skimming the take.
ESSENCE: NICK wants to do everything his own way. JOHN needs to pin him back, and acquaint NICK with the Chain Of Command, while establishing his own personal dominion over NICK.
SCENE follows:
INT. AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR GARAGE. NIGHT.
JOHN sits with left hand palm down on card table, fingers splayed out, his right hand quickly stabbing the spaces between his fingers with a switchblade. NICK reads sports pages of newspaper, twitching, looking bored and looking around.
NICK:
No jobs today?
JOHN:
Possible.
NICK:
‘Dja talk to Fat Yelic?
JOHN:
He messaged me-
NICK studies JOHN’s stabbing.
NICK:
Let me try that-
JOHN looks up, tosses knife across table and rests left hand in his lap.
JOHN:
Sure-
NICK picks up at knife, looks at JOHN.
NICK:
No – your hand, c’mon-
JOHN:
I haven’t seen your knife skills yet-
NICK:
I have you and, ah, you and your girl to dinner, lamb borscht. You’ll, you’ll see knife skills. C’mon-
JOHN puts left hand on table. NICK takes a couple clunky tabs. As the third stab falls, JOHN snaps back his hand.
NICK:
Hey, c’mon!
JOHN:
Cannot wait to see what you do to spuds-
NICK:
You will, TRUST me – it’s a date.
NICK gets up, throws on jacket and grabs keys from jeans pocket.
JOHN:
Going out again? Been hitting it hard-
NICK:
Stan the Burrito Guy’s a little light as of Wednesday – asked me to drop by today-
JOHN:
It’s Saturday. We’re supposed to sweep once every week.
NICK (studying JOHN):
The weekly? Right, I, ah, I know-
JOHN:
The weekly. Right. ONCE. Collect the payments. No tears.
NICK:
I, ah, right, I know-
JOHN:
So, so YOU, how noble of you, to extend credit on the weekly, you just tell ‘em to bring it by, whenever they can-
NICK:
Well – yeah. No? Everyone’s crying poor. I think I’m the only one in the world who’s hittin’ quota-
JOHN:
Oh, SURE, here it comes, look at all the money I’m making, look how hard I work-
NICK:
What’s in your craw? You’d agree with me if you hit yours-
JOHN:
I used to hit Stan, y’know. A lucrative stop, I gotta say-
NICK:
Things change, John. Even in the lucrative burrito biz-
JOHN:
Sure. You wouldn’t think that first, not when you look at the lines out his door, the supply trucks in the alley behind him-
NICK:
Taste his Bandito Burrito you’ll be counting out his knockout-
JOHN:
So you’re his menu consultant now-
NICK:
Stan shows me his books-
JOHN:
You help him with his books-
NICK:
What?
JOHN:
What you’re telling me: You counsel him on his Burritos, and you help keep his books?
NICK:
I didn’t say anything- I’m out-
JOHN:
I’ll grab my jacket-
JOHN goes to front room.
NICK (yelling after him):
I’m doing the run-
JOHN returns, throwing on his jacket.
JOHN:
I’ll ride along-
NICK:
To Stan. Bandejo Burritos. It’s mine now-
Pause.
JOHN:
Yelic wants me to. Besides, you’re still in training-
NICK:
FUCK Fat Yelic-
JOHN:
Should I quote you?
NICK:
Are you his errand boy?
JOHN:
Today? Yeah, if that’s what he says. Much like yourself-
NICK:
Stan’s, ah, nervous, we can’t show up Two Deep- I’ll go alone-
JOHN:
That’s not my instructions-
NICK:
He didn’t say anything- I, ah, I’ll call him-
Nick starts to dial.
JOHN:
You bother Fat Yelic over this? Are you new here?
Nick clicks off to hang up.
JOHN (cont’d):
Wise choice Cherry. Get in the car-
NICK:
I gotta frisk ya-
JOHN:
You’ve been trained well-
JOHN holds out arms. NICK pats him down tentatively, removes .22 cal. pistol from JOHN’s jacket pocket, sets it in tool drawer.
JOHN:
I won’t be needing it, will I?
NICK:
Jus’, jus’ a ride-along – right?
NICK drives to Burrito Rancho, pulling up behind it in alley. JOHN walks toward kitchen door. NICK grabs a bat from car.
JOHN:
Need that?
NICK:
Ah, Persuasion, that’s all-
JOHN barrels into kitchen. NICK follows. The cooks clear out.
JOHN turns to direct NICK to lead the charge, as NICK rears back to take a swing at JOHN. JOHN dives onto the arm with the bat and elbows NICK under the chin, driving NICK to ground and taking five or six angry jabs right into his face, knocking NICK out cold. STAN enters.
JOHN:
Hey STAN, clear a steam table, we’ve got to let NICK sleep it off. You got the payment?
STAN:
Nick’s? Right here!
JOHN:
Great – from now on you pay his payment AND you pay me – EVERY WEDNESDAY NO EXCUSES NO DELAYS. Remember – Our secret.
STAN nods gruffly.
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Hi Michael, you have a great scene here. All the character traits and their subtext consistently show up throughout the scene. There’s a power struggle going on between Nick and John in which John could have possibly gained the upper hand over Nick. From this scene, it seems John has deep personal ambitions to one day run his own “business,” but maintains a composed demeanor. Many of the interest techniques show up as well. Just a thought for your rewrite, maybe you can give the reader/audience some information the characters are not aware of which would then put the reader in the superior position. This could increase the suspense and intrigue depending on how you want to take the scene. All in all, I enjoyed your scene. Take care and keep writing!
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QE Cycle #2 Scene
Logline: In the year 2525, John Mock, the survivor of an alien attack on humanity’s last base takes hostages and prepares weapon of mass destruction, but a N.I.C.K attempts to thwart his plan.
Essence: Not everyone and everything is what it seems in a war for domination of a species.
INT. CARVER FACILITY: SCIENCE LAB – DAY
The room is not that vast but has everything needed for achieving any desire of a scientist. Including a small clean room with fishbowl windows.
The door to the science lab is closed, voices are heard outside the door. Mostly just cries of a woman and a man. The door swishes open and lights come on.
ALLY 40’S, and MAC 30’S, in normal clothes are pushed in, their hands are cuffed in front with armored electro cuffs. The voice of JOHN MOCK, 50’S is heard loudly.
JOHN (O.S.)
Get the hell in there you nasty things! You’re gonna pay for what you did!
John enters the room, he is wearing nano battle armor without a helmet, and the door swishes shut behind him. He is armed with a gun.
MAC
What is wrong with you John? Why are you doing this?
John moves quickly striking Mack with the gun in the temple. Sending Mac to the floor in pain. Ally screams.
JOHN
You killed them! Killed them all! And now you’re all going to die! Every last one of you parasites! Earth will be ours once more and you will be eradicated!
ALLY
What the hell are you jabbering about? We are human like you! John you’re have a nervous breakdown, and the real killer could be anywhere.
JOHN
No! It’s not true, you are the murderers! You killed the world, and our fellow survivors. It’s you, you, YOU!
Pieces of the ceiling crash to the floor on the other side of the room. The two captives huddle with each other. John fires several shots in the direction of the crashing tiles and wires.
The shots bounce off the metallic cyber suit 10 feet away. Realizing this John pulls Ally up and puts the gun to her head. The suit pulls up a cannon on its arm.
John circles around a table with Ally, the cannon follows the movements carefully. He backs up to a holo panel.
ALLY
Take the shot! You can end this.
The cannon whirrs and a glow comes out from the end. John pushes the gun into Ally’s temple.
JOHN
Un-un. Just who are you?
The whirring stops, and the cannon is disarmed, the hand points to the four letters embossed on the chest. N.I.C.K
JOHN
Ah. So you are a Naturally Integrated Cybernetic Klansman, or NICK for short. I thought you were killed off by the invaders?
John moves his free hand to the holo console and presses a couple of buttons, rumbling is heard. The Nick shrugs.
N.I.C.K
(Robotic voice) Do you really know what you are doing?
JOHN
Say again?
N.I.C.K
Sure you have these lovely people here to keep me from turning you to ash, but do you actually know why you are doing what you are doing?
John forces Ally onto her knees and puts the gun to the back of her head.
JOHN
You know I have nano armor on, so disintegrating me won’t happen.
N.I.C.K
I just need to get your head.
JOHN
Ha! My head…
John using his free hand touches his hair.
JOHN
Oh shit.
Nick tilts it’s head as saying “told you so,” and pulls up the cannon again.
N.I.C.K
Guess it’s time I give you a haircut.
JOHN
Computer, tactical override. Isolate and lockdown malfunctioning NICK uint.
The computer does at it is commanded, the NICK units’ weapon is disabled as it is about to fire. The unit can not move.
N.I.C.K
Shit!
John smiles and laughs as he kicks Ally away. He turns and types on the holo console.
JOHN
Sorry NICK, you should have taken the shot earlier like she said.
N.I.C.K
Listen, John, you’re suffering from a breakdown. It happens when you are this far out.
John keeps his attention to the holo console bringing up plans for a device that looks nefarious.
JOHN
I’m not going to listen to an imbecile warrior bred for killing. I’m a science officer, I know keeping you around will be beneficial to me as I am not genetically equipped to handle the suit.
NICK laughs so hard making the robotic voice eerie and sinister.
N.I.C.K
Where do you think we are right now?
John stops typing and turns his attention to Nick.
JOHN
Earth, of course. Where else would we be. Their kind,
He points to Ally and Mac.
JOHN
Have plagued our world and we are humanities last hope. They took everything from us, destroyed our oceans and farmlands. We were sent here to come up with collective ideas on how to purify the world, of their kind. That is why I have created this,
He points the holographic image, that the computer is now putting together.
JOHN
We will rise again and flourish, in this, our home Earth!
The NICK suit slowly opens while John stares at the schematic. Ally and Mac gasp at what’s inside.
ALLY
Oh my gods!
MAC
Oh no!
Out steps a female Andromian. She puts up her talon to her lips, “shhh.” She pulls a glowing knife from her side sheath. John turns around.
JOHN
Oh my! Well this is unexpected. So you are the killer! Who are you?
He raises his gun and she her knife.
N.I.C.K
You can call me Nick. I rather like that as you lack the squelch to pronounce my name.
JOHN
Ok Nick, or should I say killer of man.
They stare each other down neither dropping their weapons.
N.I.C.K
You’re not on earth. You’re on my planet Andromeda. Your kind invaded here 30 years ago and we have been pushing you out ever since.
JOHN
Lies!
N.I.C.K
Tell the computer to open shudders to the outside world.
MAC
Computer open shades.
The metal shades on the windows open slowly as the light pours in they all look outside seeing a desolate land with life not known on earth.
N.I.C.K
You see John, you are a clone, developed by your fellow “humans” to serve them. Your life memories and everything else was implanted during your cognitive programing thanks to the technology your kind stole from my people and you have enslaved us for 30 years. It’s time you knew that. So put down your gun and we can find a solution to this without killing.
John laughs until he cries.
MAC
John, it’s true. You’re a clone, you were never supposed to know but something went wrong. If you start that device you will kill all of us not just these nasty creatures.
Nick kneels down next to Mac.
N.I.C.K
You killed my people, killed my mother for nothing.
With one swipe of her knife she decapitates him. Ally screams and John starts the device.
ALLY
You fucking idiot clone! You’ve killed us all.
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Janeen’s QE #2 Scene Lesson 8 Draft
(I write comedy rather than action).
Logline: In a backyard fort, John is trying to get his brother Nick to tell him what he should get their mom for her birthday while Nick is trying to sucker his brother into getting the expensive gift he knows his mom wants (and he can’t afford).
Essence: Brothers try to manipulate each other regarding their mother’s birthday present.
INT. KID’S PLAY FORT – DAY
Two men, hunkered down in a kids’ backyard playhouse huddle over a tub of water balloons. They talk furtively, quietly, one eye on the back of the house where kids and a woman fill balloons with a hose attachment and slip them into a kiddie pool.
JOHN
How much ammo do we have?
NICK
My guess? Only about twenty-five shots. How long until they find us?
JOHN
Minutes. Which way do you think they’ll attack? Head on? Sneak up behind?
NICK
They’ll have plenty of ammo. They’ll surround us and keep firing until we surrender.
JOHN
How do we respond? Take out the leaders first? Surrender right away? Make a run for it to tire them out?
NICK
(with bravado)
No surrender. Knock out the oldest first. None of the little ones have a prayer of hitting us anyway. We can’t run. All our ammo is here.
JOHN
So we wait. There must be eight or ten of them. It’s going to take them a while to arm up.
John tries to sound casual.
JOHN
What do you think I should get Mom for her birthday?
Nick smirks and looks away.
JOHN
Jen always figured that stuff out before, but now that she’s got Mr. Douche Bag Big Hair, I can’t really ask her.
NICK
Do you call him that in front of the kids?
JOHN
Of course not! I just call him Mr. DB Big Hair. If they ask what the DB stands for, I say Darn Big.
Nick shakes his head and chuckles.
JOHN
Jen doesn’t like me using Darn since the kids are so young, but I told her I’d have to use what the initials really stand for if she objects and then she’ll have to explain what a DB is.
They both chuckle quietly. John sneaks another peek at the balloon fillers.
JOHN
All the enemy are back outside and they’ve brought in a support team to resupply them.
NICK
Neighbor kids’ mom? Lacy?
John nods.
JOHN
We’re doomed.
NICK
I’ve got extra balloons.
John rolls his eyes.
JOHN
And no way to fill them. Good thinking.
NICK
(with braggadocio)
We don’t have to tell them that. Just act like we have more to fill. Besides, I snagged the biggest bag of them so they’ll have less to throw.
JOHN
True.
John steels himself for another foray.
JOHN
Has Lacy come up with a gift for mom? Does she by any chance have some spare ideas?
Nick smirks behind his hand.
NICK
None.
JOHN
Do your kids still like those action figures?
NICK
Oh no you dont! You’re not going to bribe my kids into telling you what we’re getting mom.
JOHN
You’re right. I’m not.
John continues with bravado.
JOHN
My kids are. The longer we delay the battle, the longer they have to get it out of that beautiful little girl of yours.
NICK
Lily’s only five! That’s completely unfair.
JOHN
Alls fair in love and war and this is both.
They check the progress the balloon support team is making.
John gathers his courage and tries nonchalance.
JOHN
I got Mom custom floor mats last year. What did you get her?
Nick crosses his fingers behind his back.
NICK
A gift certificate to a spa.
JOHN
Did she like it?
Nick crosses his fingers tighter.
NICK
I’m not sure.
He feigns pondering for realism.
NICK
We asked her if she used it and she said when she got to the spa, she upgraded to their top package. Apparently, the one we got wasn’t good enough, but it was all we could afford.
JOHN
Are you going to do that this year?
NICK
The spa went out of business before Christmas so we can’t do that again.
JOHN
I see.
Nick pokes his head out of the fort to scout the enemy, a smile on his face.
John googles spas and finds a grand opening for a new spa nearby and adds their best gift package to his cart. He smiles and puts his phone back in his pocket.
Nick turns to see the phone being stashed, gives an OK sigh to Lacy and smiles as he sits down again.
NICK
Mom just went in. Looks like Lacy’s giving the kids their marching orders.
They pull balloons from the tub between them and heft one in each hand, nodding to each other and assuming the postures of conquering heroes.
John takes a look outside and frowns.
JOHN
They’re just standing there looking around. How are they going to find us here?
NICK
I may have mentioned to Lacy that we’d be in the fort.
They laugh.
NICK
And, just in case she forgot to tell them, I have one foot sticking out so they can see it.
JOHN
Here they come.
They both laugh and lob a water balloon at the cluster of kids approaching, making sure their shots fall short.
-
I really thought I posted my scene here — but it looks like it disappeared. So here it is again.
SUBJECT: Monica’s QE Cycle #2 Write This Scene
LOGLINE: A space cargo master must pick up a shipment of arms for his army but the arms dealer has a different agenda.
ESSENCE: John and Nick are lonely, each in their own way. So they choose to fight instead of getting to the core of their issues.
SCENE: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
INT. SPACESHIP – NIGHT
John maneuvers his spaceship to the docking port of a back water space station.
JOHN
This is the cargo ship Venuvian. Permission to disembark.
CONTROL TOWER
Permission granted.
JOHN
Thank you.
INT. SPACE STATION – CONTINUOUS
John secures his spaceship with state of the art locks. He posts two android guards inside the door. And two more guards outside the door. He disembarks and makes his way to the restaurant.
INT. BAR/RESTAURANT – CONTINUOUS
John sits down at the bar. Looks around. He peruses the menu. A hand slaps his back. It’s Nick.
NICK
(squeezes John’s shoulder)
Johnny! You made it. Hear the fighting is intense.
JOHN
(flicks Nick’s hand off)
Nick. I assume you have the cargo.
NICK
Have I ever not delivered for you?
JOHN
No. That’s why I keep coming back to you.
Nick indicates to the barman they’ll have two ales. The barman sets the green liquid down in front of them.
NICK
See the thing is. There’s so many wars going on that the price is double from when you called.
John sips the ale then spits it into Nick’s face.
JOHN
What?!
Nick takes a napkin and wipes his face off.
NICK
Double the price, Johnny boy. Or I sell to the Morivian security forces.
JOHN
They’re the enemy.
Nick shrugs. Sips his ale.
JOHN
Who are you sleeping with? One of Commander Nexxen’s wives?
NICK
You know I don’t swing that way.
JOHN
Not the rumour out on the frontiers. You’ll fuck anything that has legs. Two, four, eight…doesn’t matter how many.
Nick snorts.
NICK
I don’t worry about what people say. You, though should worry about your masters. What would they say if you returned empty handed just because you wouldn’t pay the price.
John swings his stool around to face Nick.
JOHN
Not as worried as you should be once I report you to the trade commission.
NICK
(snorts)
Like I worry about them.
(beat)
They have more important worries than little old me.
JOHN
Yeah!? Like what?
NICK
You don’t know?
JOHN
If I knew, then I wouldn’t ask. Would I?
NICK
The Andromeda trade commission is trying to take them out. War’s profitable and Andromeda wants a cut.
JOHN
Why?
NICK
No wars in the Andromeda galaxy. Evolved themselves right out of petty war. Well most of them anyways. There’s still some greedy devils in Andromeda. They’re the ones heading their commission.
JOHN
Why would you pick a fight with a bunch of lizards? The Lyran’s aren’t known for their sharing altruism.
NICK
Ah, Johnny, boy…don’t you know anything? The Lyran’s kidnapped Queen Bella. Andromeda put a bounty on the kidnappers head.
(slaps John on the back)
We could retire to a neutral galaxy, if we get Bella back.
JOHN
And you know where she is?
Nick examines his nails.
NICK
I need a ship.
JOHN
I need the weapons.
Nick slaps his hand down on the bar.
NICK
Tell you what. I’ll give you the weapons at the price agreed. But I tag along and we go rescue Bella.
Nick’s beeper goes off. He looks at it.
NICK
I’ll meet you at your ship in half an hour.
Nick saunters away. John watches him as he sips the last of his ale. Throws a few marks on the bar. Gets up and leaves.
INT. JOHN’S SPACESHIP – LATER
John paces the cargo bay door of his spaceship. A door opens. Nick leads a contingent of lackeys pushing carts full of weapons.
The weapons are loaded into the cargo bay. The lackeys leave. Nick hands John a tablet. John pushes a few buttons.
JOHN
Transaction complete.
NICK
Permission to board.
JOHN
Denied.
NICK
Denied?! What do you mean denied?
JOHN
I made a call. You conniving little rat. There are three trade commissions after you. And Bella is just fine.
The doors from the space station open. Six huge lizard-men enter carrying weapons.
NICK
What have you done?
JOHN
The Lyran security forces, I believe. Tell your story to them.
John pushes Nick off his loading ramp into the arms of the Lyran security forces.
-
QE Cycle #2 Scene
Logline: John tries to learn from Nick of Carrots’ plans for her race against Ruby.
Essence: Nick is hiding information that John wants.
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH
JOHN, an adult Secretary Bird, jogs in the hot sun through the grassy land when NICK, a poisonous Puff Adder snake, slithers in his path. John abruptly stops, lifts his powerful foot, then halts, leaving his foot in the air.
JOHN
Nick! Didn’t expect you out here in this weather.
NICK
This is my favorite time of day. Hey, can I hitch a ride?
John eyes the Puff Adder, waving his torso back and forth in striking pose. John slowly sets his foot down but raises it again.
JOHN
You do know your relatives avoid me, right?
NICK
Huh! Relatives. You know I left home after Mom yelled at me for my tattoo.
John notices the I(heart)NYC tattoo on Nick’s lower torso.
JOHN
But you’re certainly not a loner. I see the crowd you hang with.
NICK
At least I have friends.
John winces, sets his foot down only to lift the other.
JOHN
I thought you would have eaten them by now. Who would have guessed your best friends are an escapee rabbit and a beaver from Wisconsin?
NICK
You talking about Carrots?
Nick hisses in appreciation.
NICK
Carrots makes all the creatures in the animal kingdom wish they were rabbits.
JOHN
You know she’s probably more interested in the beaver, what’s his name?
NICK
So, John, why are you out here, now? You usually jog in the early morning. You ain’t looking to join our little friend group, are you? Maybe you could participate in our book study.
JOHN
I didn’t know you were literate.
NICK
Ha ha. We’re reading, “Civilizing Africa.”
JOHN
That would mean getting rid of the Puff Adder.
NICK
So, you gonna give me a ride or not?
JOHN
What else do you talk about at book study?
NICK
What we talk about at book study stays in book study.
Nick sets his torso down in the grass.
NICK
You can tell Ruby she’s not going to beat Carrots.
John takes his leg and kicks Nick into the air.
JOHN
Here’s the lift! I’ll relay your message to Ruby.
-
QE Cycle 2 Scene
SITUATION LOGLINE: A young man whose sister died of an overdose, confronts the leader of the drug dealers who pretends to be just a bodyguard.
ESSENCE: Nick wants revenge for the death of his sister.
SCENE: Nick approaches the house where the drug kingpin controls his empire.
EXT. NICK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
John hikes up the driveway. BAM! A water balloon explodes at his feet.
NICK
Is there any more of yah?Nick stands on the front porch. He leans a shotgun against the railing.
JOHN
Just me is plentyNICK
Say what?JOHN
What you see is what you got.NICK
You here applying to work?JOHN
Not hardly.
NICK
That’s good. Where’d you park?John nods at a kitted-out red F-150 across the street.
NICK
You got two hours. After that
it’s a sixty-three-dollar parking ticket.Nick pauses. Squints again at the Ford pickup.
NICK
That‘s my runner, Josh’s wheels.JOHN
Was. Is Masters in?NICK
Why?JOHN
I’m Emma’s brother.Nick is abruptly shaken. When he looks up, John points a revolver at his head.
John gestures. Nick backs away from the shotgun.
John tosses it into the bushes. They hear a muffled BOOM.
JOHN
You’re Masters, ain’t yah?Nick looks away.
JOHN
Thought so. Was it you pulled the trigger?NICK
What?JOHN
Narcs said she had way too
strong s dose for that one vial.Nick thinks about this.
NICK
Unless her and Josh had a jolt
before she took the second one.It’s now John’s turn to think. #
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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Anyone want to exchange scenes for feedback?
My scene is at the bottom. Let me know which scene is yours and we can learn from each other.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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JULIE WOCHHOLZ – QE CYCLE 2
LOGLINE: In occupied Paris in WW2, two members of the French resistance play a cat and mouse game to see if someone is a traitor.
ESSENCE: John, a member of the French resistance, hopes to trick Nick into revealing he is working with the Nazis.
SCENE:
INT. A BASEMENT CAFE – DAY
Closed for months, the cafe lacks any of its former joy and warmth – its chairs and tables stacked in a corner, the liquor all but gone.
NICK (40s) casually smokes a cigarette as he sits in his carefully positioned chair. He intently looks through the basement’s high window watching JOHN (30s) converse with a uniformed NAZI soldier outside.
Seeing John turn and head towards the Cafe, Nick gets up and walks to the bar, pulls a bottle of booze out from under the counter, and pours two drinks. As Johns walks in, Nick holds one of the glasses out for him.
John smiles, heads to Nick and takes the glass, downs the drink in one gulp.
JOHN
That’s the good stuff.
NICK
Reserved for my special friends.
JOHN
You saw me talking to Fritz?
NICK
Is that his name?
John sits on a bar stool as Nick pours them another round.
NICK (CONT’D)
Impossible to get this stuff anymore. At least
through proper channels. Might as well drink it up, eh?
JOHN
You know what they’re after?
NICK
You thinking of giving it to them?
JOHN
You think that little of me?
John sips his second drink more slowly, savoring it.
NICK
You? Never? Viva la France and all that, eh John?
JOHN
We’re in it together, no matter how it ends.
You are in it with us this time around, right, Nick?
NICK
That was more than 25 years ago. I was a stupid kid,
fifteen years old, dreams of heroism in my head. I
should have listened to my mother and never have
run away to fight in that miserable war.
JOHN
And then you ran away from the war.
NICK
There’s no running from this. They’re here,
in our beloved Paris. In our home.
JOHN
Temporarily.
NICK
I’ll drink to that.
Nick fills the glasses a third time.
JOHN
I think you’re trying to get me drunk. Good
thing I’m not Claudia.
They drink, share a silent moment studying one another.
JOHN
Besides, they don’t seem to understand the
value of what it is they’re asking for.
NICK
How’s that?
JOHN
500 Francs for all the names. A pittance,
if they knew –
NICK
Knew what?
JOHN
Knew exactly where that list would lead them.
John finishes his drink.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Or to who. But then, a dumpkopf like Fritz
there would never put the pieces together.
NICK
Is that what you two were speaking about?
JOHN
500 measly Francs.
NICK
You’d need to know WHO understood the
actual value of that list.
JOHN
And, you’d need possession of the list in the
first place, so as to be able to engage in the
transaction.
NICK
And that’s something you have?
John slowly tilts his head – neither a confirmation nor a denial.
JOHN
Let’s just say, I know where Claudia keeps it.
NICK
So you could get it. I mean, if you were
so inclined, and so bold?
JOHN
That beast of a husband of hers couldn’t stop me.
But what would be the point? Idiot Fritz there
only offering me a measly 500 Francs?
NICK
But if someone else, someone who
understood it’s true value, could get you more?
JOHN
How much more?
NICK
Enough to finance your escape out of France, out of Europe.
JOHN
My escape?
NICK
Yours . . . And Claudia’s.
To live, comfortably.
JOHN
(laughs)
That would be a lot of money. To get Claudia to turn.
NICK
She’d have no choice. Once the list was in the
hands of the Nazis, she’d be forced to flee, or die.
JOHN
Nice dream. Me and Claudia, on some beach.
Far away from the war, far away from her husband.
John laughs, Nick joins in.
NICK
Her husband would be dead, John.
JOHN
But how would I find such a man?
Nick leans in.
NICK
I can find him.
John looks around the cafe, they are still all alone.
JOHN
You can make this deal for me?
NICK
I’d want half.
John’s eyes widen.
NICK
After all, without that name, there would
be no deal.
John leaps up, ready to fight, as Claudia and her husband step out from behind the small stage curtain.
CLAUDIA
I’ve heard enough. You were right, John. He is a traitor.
-
Logline: John needs to obtain important information from Nick before they battle in order to win.
Essence: John prevents a massacre
Scene:
At the mouth of a tunnel stands John. Behind him, two brawny guys who keep one eye on the tunnel mouth and one to the scurrying crowd behind them.
John glances back. The crowd has dispersed. The two brawny guys nod. John turns just in time to see Nick towering over him, inches away.
Nick flexes rock hard hairy arms.
NICK
Just you and me, Bro.
John looks past Nick at a small army grinding and butting heads, ready for battle..
JOHN
Then who are they?
NICK
A few of my closest friends.
Glances past John into the tunnel.
NICK
Don’t tell me those two are all you got.
John moves so close to Nick their heads nearly touch.
JOHN
We have enough to protect our queen.
VOICES
(from the tunnel)
Long live the Queen!
JOHN
But you ran into some kind of trouble with your sovereign.
NICK
Sometimes she doesn’t know good advice when she hears it.
JOHN
So you’re fighting for what – principles?
NICK
Territory. We’ve outgrown ours. But we won’t just take it. I – we- have food to share. Winter is coming. Can all of you survive it? The tunnels are so dark and lonely in winter.
Now it’s John’s turn to flex in Nick’s face. Nick is not impressed.
JOHN
All of us will be just fine. And food is not an issue. And if only one of us needs to guard the food supply, I am up for it. I’m not exactly a social animal. Just a subject loyal to his queen.
VOICES
(from within the tunnel)
Long live the Queen!
NICK
Even when the biting winter winds howl across the snows like a lost soul?
JOHN
How many ways are you going to try to scare me until you find it doesn’t work? It’s really your worst feature.
NICK
There are more in your colony than just you, John. Fear is a potent weapon. It makes even soldiers run.
The troops behind Nick grow restless. Two advance to the tunnel to peer inside. One’s head is close to John’s that John opens his mouth as if to bite. The two soldiers back off.
JOHN
We haven’t seen your queen for weeks now. Nothing wrong, I hope?
Nick backs up a step.
NICK
Of course not! Why would there be?
JOHN
Since our queens had a falling out, ours was wondering if all is right in your colony. Especially the lower realm. We hear rumors.
NICK
The upper and lower realms are fine.
JOHN
So it’s the middle realm that needs shoring up.
NICK
I said nothing of the kind. My queen is fine. In fact, she looks down on both of our domains as we speak. She will view the battle from the comfort of her throne.
JOHN
On the northwest corner of the upper realm. That’s where I have seen her throne.
NICK
(startled)
When? When did you see that?
JOHN
There was a time I spied on your realm as a scout, alone, and saw much of your colony.
He looks out at Nick’s army’s flank to see a group of his soldiers advancing on the northwest corner of the colony.
JOHN
So now our guards are on their way to take her.
Nick can’t believe his ears.
NICK
What? They don’t stand a chance! What kind of foolhardy game are you playing? We’ll crush them.
As Nick speaks, his troops advance on John’s soldiers, easily surrounding the pitiful little group. Nick’s troops look for a signal from Nick to pounce and destroy the few unlucky soldiers.
But Nick is staring at John. Something just not right about all this.
Just then one of John’s two brawny guards comes forward to whisper into John’s ear. John nods.
JOHN
Of course it’s foolhardy. But it gave us those last few moments we needed to complete our preparations.
NICK
Come on, John. I know from my spy days in your colony that your forces are tiny. Do you really want us to come in and wipe them out? What kind of queen would do that?
John steps out of the tunnel with both of his brawny guards.
JOHN
What kind of queen? The kind that wouldn’t sacrifice her subjects for a measly set of tunnels.
He gestures Nick inside. Nick hesitates.
NICK
You know everybody in there is going to die.
JOHN
Yes, and so does my Queen.
This time there is no Long Live the Queen from within. Nick raises a hand for the troops to prepare to advance. They’re ready to rush. But Nick hesitates to drop his arm signalling a full-on attack. Instead he listens inside the tunnel.
Silence.
NICK
Where are your soldiers? Where is your Queen? Where is everyone?
JOHN
Our new quarters. The tunnels are all yours. We just evacuated the last of our colony. Now if you want to dig your mandibles into the three of us, be my guest.
NICK
Your queen is gone, eggs and all?
JOHN
Search for yourself.
NICK
No need. We still share our food. We don’t take without giving. Too bad, though; it would have been glorious.
The two ants touch antenna. The red ants dive into their new quarters, brushing past the the three black ones who are off to the new colony.
As we drift above the almost battle, we see a boy in his room watching the two armies in a cardboard box.
MOTHER
What happened when you mixed the two ant farms together, Robbie?
ROBBIE
(disappointed)
Nothin’.
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