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Day 8 Assignments
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10 Replies
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David’s Elevated Story Beats
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” It really does make it easier to find weak points in your script when you have a concise Beat Sheet to refer to. It focuses attention.
1. I needed to show that Paul’s father was not the terrific parent that everyone held up as a model for Paul. So, I added FLASHBACKS to show he was absent.
2. Also, I added excessive praise by Paul’s mother to suggest subtext that he wasn’t a good husband either.
6. (E9) INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY
PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. He is cynical. Framed newspaper articles about “Hero Sea Captain” are on the wall.
BEGIN FLASHBACKS
6A. (E7) EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY
PAUL AT TEN plays soccer in a game with other ten-year-olds. Paul Ten controls the ball downfield. He stops it, and an opponent rushes past him. Paul Ten keeps going. Two other opponents come diagonally at him, between Paul Ten and the goal. Paul Ten stops for a second and kicks it between the challengers, missing them by barely a foot. The ball hits the far pole and bounces into the net.
Fans cheer. Paul Ten looks at the spectators. His mother stands, clapping like crazy. Next to her is an empty seat with her purse saving it for the absent dad.
6B. (E7) INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY
PAUL AT FIFTEEN stands on stage as part of a debate team. The CHAIRPERSON and the TWO TEAMS OF TWO are in blazers and slacks. The chairperson is handing Paul Fifteen a trophy. The crowd stands and claps. Paul Fifteen looks at the empty seat beside his mother.
6C. (E7) PAUL AT SEVENTEEN walks by an athletic field where a baseball team is practicing. Some players wave to him. Paul Seventeen waves disinterestedly back.
END FLASHBACKS
6D. (E9) INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY
Paul’s mother, Janet, tells him they are not getting compensation from the oil company. <s></s>
JANET
(excessive)
We all miss having him around. He was the most wonderful person in the world. He was always helping other people. There can never be another like him. He really cared for us. Don’t worry. We’ll get by.
3. I wanted to reinforce the hold the Cult had over its disciples. So, I added a graphic description of what they believed would happen to them if they disobeyed.
JAKE
(BEFORE AND AFTER)
Shut up. This is Church business. We can’t get out. We’ll go to Hell if we give up. Dis is what our family does.
(AFTER)
Don’t yu know what’s goin to happen to you if you go to Hell? You’re goin to sit on a red-hot bar between your legs. Rats are goin to eat their way up. Devils are going to pour boiling lead down your gullet and it’s coming out your ass.
What’s wrong wit you? Don’t faint on me now.
4. I wanted to show how conditioned the Grand Inquisitor was to be as evil as he is by a FLASHBACK.
INT. CULTS DUNGEON, ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO – DAY
A dark gloomy room that smells of misery and pain. An OLD INQUISITOR, evil beyond his years, talks to a YOUNG BOY, 8, (the Grand Inquisitor at the time of the present story). The Old Inquisitor is dressed in his Inquisitor robes and holds a leather strap. He walks around the boy who is shirtless and seated on a stool. The Young Boy‘s back is scarred with lash marks. He tries to suppress a whimper. He is fighting for self-control. He knows what will happen if he cries out.
OLD INQUISITOR
Who were the first Inquisitors?
YOUNG BOY
Miguel de Morillo and Juan de San Martín, Your Eminence.
OLD INQUISITOR
Very good. What was the purpose of the Inquisition?
YOUNG BOY
To bring enlightenment to the world. To bring all to heaven who accept our rule and to destroy all others.
OLD INQUISITOR
(Shaking his strap)
How is this purpose fulfilled?
YOUNG BOY
By obeying without question our glorious Grand Inquisitor.
OLD INQUISITOR
You are an apt pupil. You will go far in our holy crusade. Do you still have that puppy we gave you on your birthday?
YOUNG BOY
Oh yes. I love him. He’s my best friend. We’re never apart.
OLD INQUISITOR
Good. Next Sunday, I want you to bring the dog to our service and cut his throat in front of the congregation.
YOUNG BOY
(suppresses a whimper, hesitates)
It will be done.
5. I wanted to make the Protagonist Paul more human. Also, I needed to find an ending for a minor character, Syd.
Santos WAILS and stumbles out of the library.
PAUL (CONT’D)
Wow! I thought I’d have to fight. I can breathe now. I forgot what being scared was like.
SANDY
You did wonderfully. You should be proud of yourself.
PAUL
I’m having trouble with my application to Harvard. How along are you?
SANDY
Let’s do them together. We can help Syd run for the school board there when we visit.
6. I changed a scene where Paul gets beaten to an earlier time to start the action earlier. This raised problems of chronology. How did Paul hide his bruises from his mother? When could he meet a character, Lenny, and have it fit the new timing? When could he learn about the map and treasure? So, I made the following changes in two scenes.
SANDY
I’m going to get you a shirt. Then get you home.
(joking)
Do you like pink satin?
What happens with your mother tomorrow?
PAUL
I won’t go home. I’ll go stay a few days with my uncle Jack. Help him with his boat. My mother would love that.
Sandy leaves.
SYD
Mistreat her and I’ll cut your balls off.
EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT
Captain Jack and LENNY FELDER,37, rugged and tough, with a beer at his side look intently at something on the chart table. Lenny is an engineering type. Happiest when tinkering or using machinery. Learned in the military and toughened there too. Liked to work all over the world for the adventure and pay but now getting tired of being unattached and uncommitted. A good friend.
Paul approaches from the dock.
He hesitates and listens to their discussion before they notice him.
JACK
We seerched that part of the Gulf dozens of times over the last ten years.
LENNY
Not with my side-scanning sonar. We can cover ten times the area and detect anything that size.
Paul enters the deckhouse and avoids the Tarantula. He gives Lenny a nod. Lenny nods back and drinks his beer.
PAUL
What’s going on?
JACK
Don’t creep up like that.
PAUL
Guilty conscience?
LENNY
Hi kid. How’s it going?
PAUL
OK. How about yourself?
LENNY
OK. New bruises?
PAUL
What do you mean?
LENNY
I mean you’ve been coming out on the losing end of fights. Your bruises have bruises. You can’t be that obnoxious.
PAUL
I don’t have any problems. Just some punks at school. I ignore them, mostly.
But I had a problem tonight. Those Doucets beat the Hell out of me and asked for a map. Do you know anything about that?
Jack starts pacing. Lenny and Jack look at each other.
LENNY
Better tell him.
PAUL
Who the Hell are you?
LENNY
Name’s Lenny Felder. I was one of the drillers that Jack saved. My dad was the guy who died on the rig with your dad. I owe your people for that.
7. & 8. There are still two situations I want to add and haven’t worked out how. Mostly this is to break up dialogue-heavy scenes.
7. I’d like to add Paul’s mother as a past conspirator in the family’s search for the treasure. Make her mean and tough, despite her present persona, with a past of danger and violence. Would this be too melodramatic? I can’t decide where to insert her.
8. I also need to add more action scenes related to the search for the treasure. I’m considering adding another secret that the Cult has. Paul’s family knows it exists but not what it is. Both the Cult’s and Cajun’s secrets are needed to solve the secret of the map. Paul has to sneak into the Cult’s house to get it. How can this be worked in, described, and realistic?
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Frank Gaide – Elevated Story Beats
What I learned: Personally have many scenes to improve. LOL. But really, I love this tool. I find if the beat outline is appropriately numbered, I just brainstorm ideas based on the suggestions A through F and plug in order. Great exercise if you’re a profectionist about order!
SCENES TO IMPROVE:
1 – SCENE 13 – HOUSE – GLOUCESTER, MA – MORNING
PURPOSE: To intro main character, Izzy, as a cheating wife and justify her actions by exposing her cruel husband.
BEFORE: Izzy (40s) leaves her mean husband behind in their bankrupt fishing town for a train into Boston searching for work.
AFTER: Izzy tells her husband that she’s taking a train to Boston for work, but sneaks to the pier and exits with Diesel on his fishing boat. The same boat that transferred drugs the night before. They embrace/kiss.
2 – SCENE 22 – EXT. A STREET – SOUTH BOSTON – DAY
PURPOSE: To reveal Fitz as the hardened mob boss with lots of money and power who pleasures in humiliating Fitz, his henchman. And Fitz who’s torn between trust and revenge.
BEFORE: Red and Fitz pick up a duffle from an auto body shop.
AFTER: Red, Fitz, and Stevo park at an auto body shop near the docks.
They unload money from mules and the cash they took from Terri into a private safe. Red chastises Fitz for lack of brains. Fitz and Stevo fill a duffel with cash as Red talks privately on his cell. Stevo consoles Fitz who shrugs.
3 – SCENE 16 – EXT./INT. BOSTON FISH PIER – THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
PURPOSE: Rewrite Izzy and Diesel together in Boston near the North End waterfront after leaving Gloucester and going for a celebratory meal.
BEFORE: The same 40-foot trawler from night before is docked at the deserted pier: everyone home for July 4<sup>th</sup> holiday. It’s owner, Diesel (60), organizes crates/containers on the deck. He receives a phone call from Red.
AFTER: The same 40-foot trawler from night before is docked at the deserted pier: everyone home for July 4<sup>th</sup> holiday.
Izzy and Diesel organizes crates/containers on the deck. He receives a phone call from Red. He tells her about Red. He looks skeptical, but Izzy is overjoyed. They leave to celebrate in the North End.
4 – SCENE 54 – DEN/GALLEY
PURPOSE: Show the progression of Ronni’s fall into madness and Red’s shared DNA by birth and create a payoff from the earlier setup when Ronni demonstrated his masochistic nature with Rose.
BEFORE: Ronni antagonizes Izzy and Diesel to have sex in front of him and Rose, punishment for trying to kill him.
AFTER: Echoing his previous behavior when becoming jealous of Terri and Rose together, Ronni forces Izzy and Diesel to have sex in front of him and Rose, punishment for trying to kill him.
Rose attempts to protect Izzy and Diesel, suggesting Ronni is sick lie his father, Red. So Ronni goes after Rose.
UPDATED BEAT SHEET:
TITLE: THE UGLY BOAT
1 – (9) EXT. PENINSULA BEACH – CAPE COD – DAWN
As a powerful summer storm cuts out to sea a man cherry picks debris from a shipwreck left behind. A dead body rises into his face!
VO by young married man, Terri, explaining the danger of want for money.
2 – (7) INT./EXT. STATE POLICE VEHICLE – DRIVING – DAWN
Detective (Mick) McSorley (50) and his partner, Detective Boychuk (45) rush to the crime scene on the beach.
3 – (8) EXT. PENINSULA BEACH – MINUTES LATER
Mick and Boychuk join local Sheriff and Police and Harbormaster. They surround the badly burned corpse wondering who it is.
VO by young married man, Terri, ends.
DAY BEFORE
4 – (7) INT. LIQUOR STORE – SOUTH BOSTON, MA – NIGHT
Terri buys a couple beers and teases the old owner, Burt, by stealing half a candy bar. Burt warns him about his future path.
He sees Ronni being attacked and refuses to go outside and help.
5 – (8) EXT. MULLENS CLUB – SOUTH BOSTON, MA – NIGHT
Fitz (40) a brick shithouse and Stevo, a wily old goon (50) beat Ronni (24) with clubs. Ronni’s a big guy for his age. And mean. The beat down ends.
Fitz and Stevo enter the club.
Coast clear, Terri leaves the liquor store and meets Ronni and feigns any knowledge about the beatdown.
6 – (7) INT. MULLENS CLUB – NIGHT
Intro Red, the local mob boss, in shadow with his criminal gang. As they discuss how tough Ronni is, Ronni smashes Red’s car with a liquor bottle.
7 – (7) EXT. GRANARY BURIAL GROUND – BOSTON PROPER – NIGHT
Ronni, his brother, Terri (22), and Ronni’s young moll, Rose (21) steal Paul Revere’s headstone from a tourist cemetery. They plan to sell back to the city of Boston for ransom money… It’s July 4<sup>th</sup>!
8 – (6) INT. APARTMENT BASEMENT – NIGHT
Ronni, Terri, and Rose and hide it in the rear of a basement and leave to celebrate.
9 – (8) EXT. BOSTON HARBOR – NIGHT
Miles offshore. We get a first glimpse of Red, meanness personified, as he and his gang oversee a drug smuggling operation between two trawlers. One of them is named ‘The Ugly Boat’.
10 – (7) EXT. STREET – SOUTH BOSTON – NIGHT
Outside Rose’s house. Terri, Ronni and Rose arrive in an Uber, half drunk. Ronni assaults the driver and scares him away without paying the fare.
11 – (8) INT. MULLENS CLUB – NIGHT
After hours. The Old Goon stops beating a guy when Red and Fitz arrive. Red finds his hidden ankle knife and cuts the guy free for giving him needed information about the police drug unit. The guy is a cop. He thanks Red.
12 – (7) INT. ROSE’S APARTMENT – SOUTH BOSTON – NIGHT
Terri, Ronni, and Rose party with booze. Ronni tries to pimp off Rose to Terri. Rose gets pissed. Angry and threatening, Ronni goes to bed.
Terri and Rose wake up early morning. Rose scared she might have crossed a line with Terri. Terri scared to go home to his young wife, Kat.
13 – (7) HOUSE – GLOUCESTER, MA – MORNING
Izzy tells her husband that she’s taking a train to Boston for work.
FISH PIER
But she sneaks to the pier and exits with Diesel on his fishing boat. The same boat that transferred drugs the night before.
14 – (8) EXT. SOUTH BOSTON STREET – MORNING
Walking home Terri is chased by Red, Fitz, and the Old Goon in Red’s smashed car. They tell him that Ronni is a wanted man. Terri gets away, cursing after them.
15 – (7) INT. TERRI’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Run down. Used everything. His young wife, Kat (20), and disabled child, Bryanne (2) don’t believe he was working all night at the Boston Globe newspaper. This is nothing new. It’s destroying the marriage. He sleeps.
16 – (6) EXT./INT. BOSTON FISH PIER – THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
The same 40-foot trawler from night before is docked at the deserted pier: everyone home for July 4<sup>th</sup> holiday.
Izzy and Diesel organizes crates/containers on the deck. He receives a phone call from Red. He tells her about Red. He looks skeptical, but Izzy is overjoyed. They leave to celebrate in the North End.
17 – (7) TERRI’S APARTMENT- DAY
Terri awakes and readies for work. Kat is skeptical that he’s hanging around with Ronni and his scams again instead of finding a job. Terri fails to admit the truth about work to Kat. She warns him about leaving their marriage behind.
He makes a solemn promise to meet her at Bryanne’s doctor after work. They make up.
18 – (9) EXT. STREETS – SOUTH BOSTON – DAY
Terri, in his work clothes, is heading back to Ronni at Rose’s apartment. Along the way he drops into various ATMs to collect cash from a “cash trapping” scam.
Red and his goons apprehend him, take what little money Terri has, and beat the shite out of him.
19 – (8) INT./EXT. ROSE’S APARTMENT – DAY
As Ronni and Terri get high on the back porch, they decide to ransom back Paul Revere’s headstone to quiet Red. But the city of Boston doesn’t care if they stole it: they’ll just replace it with another one.
Ronni reveals a scam he’s working with Rose: listing stolen goods online, counterfeit luxury brands. But goods are hard to find. So he has a new plan.
20 – (8) INT. BOUTIQUE NAIL SALON – DAY
Rose gets a phone call from Ronni. Then she intentionally cuts off the tip of a lady’s toe to get out of work early.
21 – (7) EXT. THREE DECKER – ROSE’S HOUSE – DAY
Terri, scared, and Ronni, nonplussed, wait outside until Rose pulls up in an old SUV.
22 – (6) EXT. A STREET – SOUTH BOSTON – DAY
Red, Fitz, and Stevo park at an auto body shop near the docks.
They unload money from mules and the cash they took from Terri into a private safe.
Red chastises Fitz for lack of brains. Fitz and Stevo fill a duffel with cash as Red talks privately on his cell. Stevo consoles Fitz secretly pissed at Red.
23 – (7) EXT. NORTH END STREETS – AQUARIUM – BOSTON – DAY
The North End with hundreds of other tourists. Izzy and Diesel drink bottled beer and celebrate lunch while sitting on a bench in front of the Aquarium watching seals swim while posing for a caricature artist.
24 – (9) EXT./INT. BANK – NORTH END STREETS – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Rose rob a bank. Escape into the tourist filled streets with police giving chase.
25 – (7) EXT. AQUARIUM – BOSTON – DAY
Diesel and Izzy watch the police cruisers race down the street. Izzy calls Lucca to tell him she’s going to miss the train. Lies that there’s a problem with police at the train station.
26 – (9) EXT. NORTH END STREETS – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Rose run into a wall of tourists outside Old North Church. Sirens echoing throughout the neighborhood has everyone on edge.
Character actor dressed like Paul Revere sits atop a horse. It frightens and rears up. It causes Ronni to drop the cash. It scatters, lost in the crowd.
27 – (7) EXT. AQUARIUM – BOSTON – DAY
Diesel and Izzy finish a dance with music from a street performer playing a samba and exit in a pedi bike, arms wrapped around each other.
28 – (7) EXT. NORTH END WATERFRONT – DAY
Ronni, Terri, and Rose exit a café rear and run to last street before the waterfront. They stare hopelessly at Boston harbor and the fish pier below.
29 – (8) EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – FISH PIER – DAY
Diesel and Izzy reach the boat. Izzy backs inside, kissing Diesel.
Diesel and Izzy kiss madly when Red and Fitz enter with the duffle. Red discusses their smuggling operation and gives them the money.
All the while, Ronni, Terri, and Rose listen and spy from behind a berth door and decide to overtake Red, et al, when they go outside to inspect the hidden bales of drugs on deck.
Terri is the only member who doesn’t like the idea, but he feels the need to hold onto his family is greater than backing out.
30 – (7) EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
Ronni cold cocks Diesel with his gun and follows Red and Fitz out to the deck, while Terri and Rose subdue Izzy.
31 – (9) DECK
Ronni beats Red after being insulted and tosses Fitz into the water to drown.
32 – (5) DEN/GALLEY
While Terri and Rose search inside for weapons and money, Diesel’s cell rings. They secure his phone and Izzy’s cell.
33 – (6) FISH DOCK – GLOUCESTER – DAY
Lucca leaves a message asking Diesel to call Izzy and give her a ride home to Gloucester.
34 – (7) EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
DEN/GALLEY
Ronni and Red return.
Red tied up. Diesel refuses to take the boat out of the harbor. Ronni beats Diesel until Izzy cooperates, and they sail into open water.
35 – (6) EXT. BOSTON FISH PIER – DAY
State Police Operations Command Vehicle trailer sits nearby.
Boston Police with dogs and bicycles surround Detective Mic and Boychuk (from opening scene) who order copies of all surrounding security cameras.
36 – (6) INT./EXT. THE UGLY BOAT – DAY
WHEELHOUSE
Terri and Rose guard Izzy at the wheel as Diesel recovers from injuries. Izzy offers to help them get out this mess. Rose declines.
37 – (6) DECK
Red taunts Ronni. Ronni pushes Red around while inspecting all the illegal drugs. Red, unfazed, attempts to talk Ronni into turning back before it’s too late.
Ronni orders Rose and Diesel out to the deck. They comply.
38 – (6) WHEELHOUSE
Izzy again attempts to convince Terri to let her contact police. Ronni orders them both out to the deck. Izzy puts the boat on auto pilot while Terri secretly observes her every step.
39 – (6) DECK
Red lampoons the situation. His way of insulting everyone individually with satire. Ronni reveals the drugs to Rose and Terri. Diesel is forced to get rid of anything that could be used as a weapon.
Ronni collects everyone’s cellphone except Rose and Terri and goes back to the wheelhouse with Diesel.
40 – (5) WHEELHOUSE
Ronni destroys the SIM cards. Keeps the expensive phones to pawn. Diesel explains navigational instruments, and they talk about where to go with little fuel.
A message comes across the radio that a severe storm is headed their way.
41 – (7) DECK
Terri inspects the deck, net drum, and steel plates. Izzy tries to befriend him about their lives and what they have in common.
Rose, curious about the fish pens, has Izzy and Terri join her to explain they’re empty. When they lean into the space, Izzy reveals a hidden flare pistol to Red that is concealed in a seamless compartment.
Red continues to lampoon Terri and Rose with threats. Rose strikes him.
42 – (6) WHEELHOUSE
Ronni listens for a police broadcast concerning the bank heist. There is none. Diesel tells him that the instrument they need to navigate is a GPS finder. So Ronni rips the wires from all remaining instruments, save radio and GPS.
43 – (6) DECK/WHEELHOUSE
With all weapons tossed overboard, Terri, Rose, Izzy, and Red climb the outside stairs to the wheelhouse.
Terri wants to know Ronni’s plan, but Ronni warns him to be quiet. Izzy taunts Ronni and Terri over who is in charge. Red laughs at their naivete.
44 – (7) INT. STATE POLICE OPERATIONS COMMAND VEHICLE – DAY
Detectives Mick and Boychuk watch security tape and discover Red with the owners of the boat and the trio who robbed the bank. They bring in the Coast Guard to begin a search.
45 – (5) INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
WHEELHOUSE
Ronni guards Izzy, Diesel, and Red at the helm as they ride into rough seas.
46 – (5) DEN/GALLEY
As they’re searching for anything to steal, Terri confesses to Rose that he’s nervous about Ronni’s cruel behavior and asks her to talk Ronni into stopping. She refuses, unwilling to see the harm or change in Ronni.
Terri receives a message from Fitz! He survived the drowning and now threatens to kill Terri’s family if Terri doesn’t kill Red. Terri hides the information from Rose.
47 – (5) WHEELHOUSE
Ronni threatens Diesel to remain on course and forces Izzy and Red down into the —
48 – (7) DEN/GALLEY
Terri and Rose retreat to the Den, cautious of Ronni. Ronni has Izzy search for food: no one has eaten for hours by now. While feigning interest, she overhears Ronni ask Terri if he can drive the boat. He plans to deep six them. Terri replies not yet.
Red badgers Ronni and Terri. He tells the room that he’s Ronni father. Terri turns wary of Ronni over the revelation. Ronni doesn’t trust his reaction.
Terri convinces Ronni that Red is the problem. Ronni hands the gun over to Rose and forces Red out to the –
49 – (10) DECK
While arguing, Red pulls his knife on Ronni. They wrestle for the knife before Ronni stabs him to death, tossing his body overboard.
Ronni starts to lose his mind her.
50 – (8) DEN/GALLEY
Everyone is shocked. The situation has become very real now.
51 – (8) WHEELHOUSE
Diesel steers into the storm, waves crashing over the bow. Rose, Terri, and Izzy climb up from below. The atmosphere somber. Rose stares out at the deck.
52 – (9) DECK
Ronni straps life jackets to bales of drugs, a daisy chain. The boat suddenly jerks to the side throwing Ronni over the rail, but he manages to save himself from going over by clenching a halyard.
53 – (9) WHEELHOUSE
Diesel sharply turns the wheel. Rose slaps him with the gun after witnessing Ronni almost get thrown in the water. Was it a ploy? Izzy and Terri swear there was a large object in their path: Diesel turned to avoid it.
An alert from police comes across the radio. Diesel turns down the volume: Izzy understanding he wants Terri and Rose to not hear it. But Terri catches their act and turns up the volume. It reports, everyone on board is considered dangerous.
Ronni returns, angry, blames Terri, but Rose defends Terri’s action when Diesel tried to hide the police alert. He beats Diesel for almost throwing him overboard and orders him, Izzy, and Rose downstairs. Rose objects because they need them to operate the boat. Ronni takes the gun from Rose and tells Terri to operate the boat.
54 – (8) DEN/GALLEY
Echoing his previous behavior when becoming jealous of Terri and Rose together, Ronni forces Izzy and Diesel to have sex in front of him and Rose, punishment for trying to kill him.
Rose attempts to protect Izzy and Diesel, suggesting Ronni is sick lie his father, Red. So Ronni goes after Rose.
55 – (5) WHEELHOUSE
Terri uses what little knowledge he learned by watching Diesel and Izzy and steers the boat. He hears Izzy and Rose screaming from the Den/Galley.
56 – (9) DEN/GALLEY
Terri rushes down the stairs to stop Ronni. Ronni threatens him to kiss Izzy because he thinks they’re “too” friendly. The bow of the boat rises like a roller coaster and slams down. Everyone gets thrown. Ronni loses his gun to the floor. He and Terri eye it, suspicious of each other.
57 – (7) EXT. FISHERMAN’S WHARF – GLOUCESTER – NIGHT
Police tell Izzy’s husband, Lucca, about the situation she’s mixed up with.
58 – (6) EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
WHEELHOUSE
As the boat rides waves like a roller coaster, Ronni stands guard over Diesel holding the gun.
59 – (5) DEN/GALLEY
While making coffee, Izzy suggests to Rose they subdue Ronni because he’s turning psychotic with too much power – and he could possibly hurt Terri.
60 – (6) DECK
Terri is outside fighting the elements searching for more floating devices because Ronni used most of them to protect the drugs.
61 – (6) WHEELHOUSE
The storm batters the boat windshield. Ronni regrets tearing wires from all the navigational equipment. He wants it repaired. Diesel can’t do it.
Terri enters from the outside stairs from the deck. Ronni wants him to fix the wires. He can’t do it either and goes down to the Den/Galley to get Izzy.
62 – (7) DEN/GALLEY
Before bringing coffee up to the wheelhouse, Izzy, Terri, and Rose agree to stop Ronni but only if they don’t hurt him.
63 – (5)WHEELHOUSE
Izzy helps fix the wiring to the navigation screen. Rose returns to the –
64 – (5) DEN
Rose smokes a joint, worried. Gets high. Leaves with a bottle of sambuca.
65 – (7) WHEELHOUSE
Ronni drinks the sambuca. He accuses Rose of being high and worried: but why? Terri and Izzy are nervous she’ll tell Ronni about their plan.
Diesel gets the navigation screen working and Ronni learns what all the information means. He decides they ride straight past the tip of Cape Cod to Rhode Island, and through the heart of the storm.
Ronni takes Terri and Rose downstairs to the den/galley. On passing Izzy she warns him that they can’t be trusted.
66 – (8) DEN/GALLEY
Ronni accuses Terri and Rose of conspiring. Terri gets pissed and returns to the wheelhouse. Ronni rages to Rose. She’s high. He can’t believe she would betray him. He drags her out to the deck.
67 – (5) WHEELHOUSE
Terri and Izzy watch Ronni and Rose on the deck.
68 – (10) DECK
Ronni kills Rose, losing his mind.
69 – (9) WHEELHOUSE
After witnessing the murder, Terri backs out of their plan to subdue Ronni.
Ronni returns, fires a shot over head, and threatens to kill Terri: he holds him responsible for Rose. But he needs everyone to make it through the storm, safely.
70 – (6) INT. COMMAND CENTER – BOSTON COAST GUARD BASE – NIGHT
The search for the boat is suspended. Detectives Mic and Boychuk leave for the Cape Cod CG base and will remain there until the storm clears and search resumes.
71 – (7) EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – NIGHT
The boat struggles against huge, crashing waves. It’s difficult to control for Diesel and Izzy.
72 – (7) WHEELHOUSE
Ronni discovers a second blip on the navigation screen that’s closing in on their location. It could be the Coast Guard. They attempt to outmaneuver possible contact, but the blip keeps following them.
73 – (7) EXT. SMALL PLEASURE CRAFT – NIGHT
A small boat, seeking aide, approaches the Ugly Boat.
74 – (9) EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT – SAME
OUTSIDE STAIRS TO DECK
Ronni engages the small boat with gunshots, until the driver flees.
75 – (8) WHEELHOUSE
Ronni enters from the outside stairs. A serious weather alert blasts from the radio reminding them they’re cruising ahead into an already deadly situation. He goes berserk and destroys the radio.
In a psychotic breakdown, he forces everyone to sing a rotating chorus of Row, Row, Your Boat.
76 – (7) INT. TERRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Terri’s wife, Kat, learns about the bank robbery via news. She texts Terri and tells him she and the baby are leaving him for good.
77 – (8) EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT
WHEELHOUSE
Ronni humming the song. The boat fighting through the storm.
Terri cries after sending Kat a return text: a desperate plea for her to find cash he’s been saving and leave town without him.
Ronni reads their exchange and tells Terri that he’s better off.
Terri leaves for the deck.
78 – (7) DECK
Enraged, Terri throws bales of drugs into the storm.
79 – (8) WHEELHOUSE
Globs of pot stick to the window. Ronni realizes what it is and storms outside to stop Terri. Izzy goes downstairs into the den/galley.
80 – (10) DECK
Ronni chases Terri. He loses the gun in the ferocious storm. But catches Terri and stabs him with the knife, leaving him for dead.
Izzy sneaks on deck and finds the hidden flare pistol. She aims it at the two of them. But it misses and starts a fire. She escapes Ronni up the outside stairs to the wheelhouse.
81 – (10) WHEELHOUSE
Izzy rushes inside. Diesel helps to barricade the door, but Ronni busts in and knocks him to the floor. Ronni is about to kill him when Terri appears through black smoke and clobbers Ronni over the head.
82 – (10) DECK
Terri and Izzy drag Ronni down the stairs and toss him overboard. He fights to survive but is eventually drowned away by the waves.
Fire consumes everything, including the wheelhouse. Diesel dives outside.
83 – (10) EXT./INT. THE UGLY BOAT
The boat explodes.
84 – (10) EXT. OCEAN WATER – DAY
The storm is miles away. Terri, badly wounded and burned, floats to a buoy with Izzy who is less injured. They agree on an alibi and to split whatever cash and drugs survived.
As the sound of a rescue helicopter draws near, Izzy forces Terri under water. He drowns.
85 – (9) CAPE COD BEACH – DAY
The storm is miles offshore now. Detective Mic and Boychuk stand over two more damaged bodies: old male and young female, identities unknown. Bundles of drugs washed beside them.
They see the helicopter approaching.
86 – (8) EXT. PENNINSULA BEACH – DAY
Same beach where this story started. The helicopter lands. Izzy is removed by EMTs and questioned by Detectives Mic and Boychuk who are only interested in what happened to Red. She plays the clueless, grieving victim on her way to the hospital.
Detective Mic orders the search for Red to continue.
87 – (7) APARTMENT BASEMENT – DAY
Kat, Terri’s wife, digs deep behind the Paul revere headstone and removes a satchel full of cash. She leaves.
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Judith’s Updated Beat Sheet – Lesson 8
What I’ve learned is to continue to work with the beats in different ways helps improve the scenes. Working on the outline is easier than working on the whole script. Take each part of the script one by one and do the rewrite that way instead of looking at everything at one time.
3 Scenes I am improving: Opening; Adoption Papers; Return to sender letter.
PURPOSE OF:
OPENING: Set up that Rachel has killed her mother and faked her own death.
ADOPTION AGENCY: Set up that Eugene and Emily are going to have a family, it’s come true.
RETURN TO SENDER LETTER: Set up that Emily still can’t let go of her real family even though they’ve abandoned her. She still hopes that reunification is possible and they can live happily-ever-after.
1. Opening – I’ve gone back and forth on this scene. At first, we saw Rachel kill her mom and fake her own death. However, I thought this was too soon to let the audience know right away that Rachel is a killer.
2. Then I started with Emily getting ready for the gallery showing and getting rid of the return to sender letter. But, this didn’t show Rachel revenge bent. I thought I could show her true self in a Flashback.
3.Then I thought, well, instead of showing who has killed the mom and the other woman and burns down the house, I’d make it look like the neighborhood had robberies and this robber got carried away and accidently set the house on fire.
So, my question is. When do you all like to know who the bad guy is? Is it too early, as in one? Is it too confusing as in two? Your thoughts would be welcomed.
Scene 2 to improve.
The Adoption Agency – I thought was dull. Also, the papers were to be signed later.
Old Beats:
Eugene and Emily arrive at the agency.
They are told finalizing the adoption is almost there. Be patient, Katie is almost yours.
They talk about how great that would be and how happy they are.
New Beats:
Eugene and Emily arrive at the agency.
Surprise, the papers are approved. They sign the final papers.
Katie is theirs in one week. Joy!!!
Then later, another scene, the agency calls and tells them that the adoption is off because Emily is not a fit mother having stolen paintings and sold them as hers.
Scene 3: Part of the opening with Emily
Old Beats:
The paintings are ready to go to the gallery.
The movers are late.
Emily finds out that someone, not her, called the movers and told them to come in the afternoon.
She gets another “return to sender letter” and decides to throw it away. And she throws out the other letters.
(I thought this doesn’t show how much Emily desire Rachel in her life.)
So new beats:
The paintings are ready to go to the gallery.
The movers are late.
Emily finds out that someone, not her, called the movers and told them to come in the afternoon.
She gets another “return to sender letter” and starts to throw it away but doesn’t.
Eugene sees her and they argue about it. He tells her it’s time. We have our own family. But she can’t let go. And this shows the arc she will go through with realizing Rachel is not her family.
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Judith’s Updated Beat Sheet – Lesson 8
What I’ve learned is to continue to work with the beats in different ways helps improve the scenes. Working on the outline is easier than working on the whole script. Take each part of the script one by one and do the rewrite that way instead of looking at everything at one time.
3 Scenes I am improving: Opening; Adoption Papers; Return to sender letter.
PURPOSE OF:
OPENING: Set up that Rachel has killed her mother and faked her own death.
ADOPTION AGENCY: Set up that Eugene and Emily are going to have a family, it’s come true.
RETURN TO SENDER LETTER: Set up that Emily still can’t let go of her real family even though they’ve abandoned her. She still hopes that reunification is possible and they can live happily-ever-after.
1. Opening – I’ve gone back and forth on this scene. At first, we saw Rachel kill her mom and fake her own death. However, I thought this was too soon to let the audience know right away that Rachel is a killer.
2. Then I started with Emily getting ready for the gallery showing and getting rid of the return to sender letter. But, this didn’t show Rachel revenge bent. I thought I could show her true self in a Flashback.
3.Then I thought, well, instead of showing who has killed the mom and the other woman and burns down the house, I’d make it look like the neighborhood had robberies and this robber got carried away and accidently set the house on fire.
So, my question is. When do you all like to know who the bad guy is? Is it too early, as in one? Is it too confusing as in two? Your thoughts would be welcomed.
I think it depends on what Rachel’s motive is. If she is an indiscriminate killer and is just plain evil, then the audience could know about it early on, because it would be fun to see her scheming through her eyes. But if her anger stems from Emily, and all of her actions are about revenge on Emily, then the story might center more on Emily’s point of view. Then, after a period of trusting Rachel and all the warm fuzzies that her openness to a family reunion would give us, we would get a shock, just like Emily. I personally like twists in movies, but I think your decision depends on whether this is more Emily’s story or Rachel’s story.
Scene 2 to improve.
The Adoption Agency – I thought was dull. Also, the papers were to be signed later.
Old Beats:
Eugene and Emily arrive at the agency.
They are told finalizing the adoption is almost there. Be patient, Katie is almost yours.
They talk about how great that would be and how happy they are.
New Beats:
Eugene and Emily arrive at the agency.
Surprise, the papers are approved. They sign the final papers.
Katie is theirs in one week. Joy!!!
Then later, another scene, the agency calls and tells them that the adoption is off because Emily is not a fit mother having stolen paintings and sold them as hers.
The agency would probably postpone rather than cancel the adoption, as they would need to do an investigation of Emily’s guilt. If the theft is not on her background check, then someone calling and accusing her probably wouldn’t be considered valid. Just something to check on.
Scene 3: Part of the opening with Emily
Old Beats:
The paintings are ready to go to the gallery.
The movers are late.
Emily finds out that someone, not her, called the movers and told them to come in the afternoon.
She gets another “return to sender letter” and decides to throw it away. And she throws out the other letters.
(I thought this doesn’t show how much Emily desire Rachel in her life.)
So new beats:
The paintings are ready to go to the gallery.
The movers are late.
Emily finds out that someone, not her, called the movers and told them to come in the afternoon.
She gets another “return to sender letter” and starts to throw it away but doesn’t.
Eugene sees her and they argue about it. He tells her it’s time. We have our own family. But she can’t let go. And this shows the arc she will go through with realizing Rachel is not her family.
This is an excellent change! In retrospect, it does seem that she would need a reason to change her mind, after she had been keeping (and writing) the letters for so long. I wonder if this might be better placed after the adoption has been granted (more incentive for Eugene to say that we have our own family).
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ASSIGNMENT:# 8. Elevated story beats:
What I learned: That re-writing multiple times is a necessary element to enhancing your script. I end up deleting scenes, removing flab, and adding imagery that wasn’t apparent before. Re-writing is done in complete abandon of what was present– like a face lift for your script. One that makes it more appealing to whoever takes time to read it. Thanks…
Karen Crider/ Elevated Story Beats
–Percy the lizard, has just been adopted by Dusty, the nine-year- old, foster kid, who’s a loner. One at the mercy of bullies.
BEDROOM Dusty names the lizard, PERCY, and hides him in a shoe box under his bed.
Percy grows fast, and follows Dusty invisibly without him knowing. He also heals Dusty’s cuts and scratches. (Which establishes him as a dragon.)
DUSTY
You’re magic. Where have you come from with all these powers?
PERCY
Under your bed…
DUSTY
You can talk. You really are magic.
#1. RE-VISION: This scene establishes that Percy is magic and capable of communicating. It’s a set up scene that’s played out through the entire script, but introduced in one take. But, it’s a tell scene instead of show. Thus, it will be eliminated, and the show scene shall appear when it happens.
EXT. DUSTY’S HOUSE – DAY
A snoopy neighbor, Mr. Wilson, mows his yard next door. He shields his face from the sun’s glare; rubs his eyes, and does a double take, when a boy tumbles to the ground in front of him, out of no-where.
DUSTY (THE DRAGON) (yelling)
PERCY! WHERE’D YOU GO? COME BACK!
PERCY
I’m invisible.
Dusty stares in the direction Percy’s voice emanates from.
DUSTY
YOU’RE INVISIBLE, AND YOU CAN TALK?
PERCY (gruffly)
Hey! I’m not your regular, run-of-the-mill dragon, ya’ know?
The neighbor runs toward Dusty’s house. Percy grabs Dusty and makes a b-line to the door, slamming it before the neighbor arrives.
Background: Dusty’s in poor health. His bratty, narcissistic, grown adults have deserted him after he goes bankrupt helping them.
Dusty attends his wife’s funeral. His twins, Betsy and Billy, do not show.
Afterwards, his phone rings. Dusty’s daughter, Betsy, a young, manipulative daughter is on the line.
BETSY
Dad, you okay? I tried to call earlier. This has been a nightmare. I’m ill.
DUSTY
What’s wrong?
BETSY
Pneumonia.
DUSTY
Just come when you can. Have you heard from Billy?
BETSY
He says to tell you, he’s in France on business. A meeting he can’t avoid.
DUSTY
(sarcastic)
Maybe, he can pay his respects when he finds time.
BETSY
Dad, you know we both mean to be with you.
DUSTY
Sure. Sure. I have to get going. I still have to pack.
I’m taking Mom’s urn to the cabin.
( tearing up)
Take care of yourself.
BETSY
Dad, wait! I know this is a bad time, but I’m a little short this month. Can you help me out?
DUSTY
I’ve lost the house due to my children being a little short– for decades. I’m moving to the cabin. (Shows him as being bitter—out of character.)
Dusty clicks off his phone. ***
#2. REVISION–This scene is not explicit, and it needs to be, because it’s exudes the weight/justification necessary for the ending– where Dusty’s narcissistic children receive their comeuppance: This scene, is more tell than show. It should be the opposite.
INT. BETHEL BAPTIST CHURCH – DAY
Dusty attends his wife’s funeral. His twins, Betsy and Billy, do not show.
Betsy calls Dusty afterwards at the church.
BETSY (whining)
Dad, I tried to call earlier. My life’s a nightmare. I’m ill.
DUSTY
How much do you need?
BETSY
I have pneumonia, and the clinic is breathing down my neck for money. I’m a little short.
DUSTY
My children have been a little short for decades. ‘Can’t send much. I’m going through bankruptcy. I’m… moving to the cabin.
BETSY
(whining)
What? How does that happen?
DUSTY
…Come when you can. Have you heard from Billy?
BETSY
He’s in France.
DUSTY
(sarcastic)
Tell him, When he finds time, maybe,
he can pay his respects to his mother.
( tearing up)
Take care of yourself. Click.
***
–The scene below is leggy. It can be tighter, more concise.
EXT. SPACE – DAY
Nurse Phobe and Princess Zenith pass the planet of the Dinosaurs, the Unicorns, and the galaxies of Nimbus, Prince of the Clouds. Space debris flies. Rain falls.
EXT. EARTH, MINNESOTA HIGHWAY 18 – DAY
An eighteen-car-pileup results when a car mashes against another, after he sees two dragons flying toward him. Both dragons eyeball a drunk, unsure of what kind of creature he is, then disappears.
Policemen arrive on scene. One officer uses a crowbar to jimmy the drunk’s car door open.
OFFICER HINKLEY
Are you hurt, sir?
DRUNK DRIVER
(to police)
I s-swear, osifer’– BURP. A couple, huge-mongous… d-dragons hit my car–
(his eyes glaze)
…hugeous’ and verry’ ugly.
OFFICER HINKLEY
Sure. Sure. Come with me…
Officer Hinkley cuffs the man and helps him to his cruiser. Sirens of fire trucks and ambulances fill the air. The road behind them is closed.
REVISIONS: #3.
EXT. SPACE – DAY
Nurse Phobe and Princess Zenith pass the planet of the Dinosaurs, the Unicorns, and multiple galaxies, space debris flies. Rain falls.
EXT. EARTH, MINNESOTA HIGHWAY 18 – DAY
An eighteen-car-pileup results, after a drunk driver sees two dragons flying toward him, then disappear.
Policemen arrive. One officer uses a crowbar to jimmy the drunk’s car door open.
OFFICER HINKLEY
Are you hurt, sir?
DRUNK DRIVER (to police)
I s-swear, osifer’– BURP. A couple, huge-mongous… d-dragons hit my car—
(his eyes glaze)
…hugeous’ and verry’ ugly.
OFFICER HINKLEY
Sure. Sure. Come with me…
Officer Hinkley helps the driver into his cruiser. Sirens of fire trucks and ambulances fill the air.
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Gregory’s elevated story beats
What I learned from doing this assignment is that my opening really, really needs to be stronger and that it’s helpful to remove these beats to examine them by themselves and see how they function. Looking forward to brainstorming more and more possibilities to improve my beats that aren’t as strong yet.
Scene 1: Opening scene: Establish Connor and Mallory as a happily married couple who make plans but Connor seems troubled
Before: Boring, everyday scene as Connor leaves for work and Mallory kisses him goodbye
After: More challenging! Maybe Connor is tracking down a dangerous drug dealer and gets shot in the shoulder! Then in the hospital he’s visited by his adoring wife Mallory
Scene 6: Show that Connor abides by the proper procedures and establish William’s lack of discipline
Before: Connor switches the bloody glove for a handful of shredded paper as something unseen
After: Maybe Connor fakes an injury, i.e. his wounded shoulder hurts and when Will runs for his pain meds Connor makes the switch so that the audience sees him do it.
Scene 9: Show more of how Connor’s and Mallory’s relationship functions. Set-up for disappointment on Mallory’s end.
Before: Easy make-up and a promise made without suspicion
After: Maybe Mallory is much more reluctant to make up with her husband, and through that challenge Connor makes his promise but leaves his scared of his wife.
There’s a lot more improvements I want to make and more brainstorming I want to do so I’ll have to put them all together in my improved beat sheet once I get to them all.
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Benito Selim’s elevated story beats
What I learned from doing this assignment is to isolate the scenes that needs the most help to elevate your script instead of rewriting the entire script.
4. EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS- AFTERNOON (E4)
SUPER: UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI
Kayla talks with her sorority sisters Megan and Candy, it is the last day of class before spring break. Kayla is new to the sorority. A group of frat guys invite them out to a bar that night, they all accept. Lynette, Kayla’s sister approaches the girls, Kayla exits with her.
*I want to up the introduction of my main character more, I have added more dialogue to show Kayla’s own voice.
6. EXT. SWAMP- LATER (E9)
A child plays near the swamp with his dog. The alligators sneak towards him, his dog alerts them. They escape though the child doesn’t understand the danger they were in.
*This would be a new inserted scene that results in a false scare when a child escapes out of the alligator’s grasp.
5. UNIVERSITY COMMON ROOM- LATER (E4)
Kayla and Lynette discuss their spring breaks plans to go home, Kayla doesn’t want to go, but Lynette is adamant. Brian, a football player joins the girls and flirts with Lynette and Kayla. Brian invites them out that night, Lynette questions.
*I want to have a better interaction with all three characters showing how they all have different perspectives and showing their real feelings.
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Heather’s Elevated Story Beats
What I learned through doing this assignment is:
I wish Writing the Profound Screenplay and this course had been combined. It would have been so much easier to see where improvements on my other script came together. I took this script through what I learned in that course, but now I see where I can make further improvements on it.
The whole idea in writing this script was to be a study in faith and how it touches peoples lives in crisis. The crisis being a monster (the headmaster of a Residential school inflicting abuse and getting away from it), three aspects of a regimented religion (the Holy trinity) and innocence, in the form of the indigenous peoples of North America. Normally I write the book first. This time I wrote the script.
I have rewritten the beats using the idea that I have switched Jody’s gender from male to female. I think it makes a more interesting screenplay, but would really welcome any comments on that idea because I’m on the fence about it.
Beat 7 .Value 4 Ambrose and Joe strike up a friendship. They are both guys from the hard side of the street, with quick tempers. Ambrose shares a secret with Joe, he has a box of photos stashed in a secret spot at the school. He’s just too sick to get them. Joe vows he’ll bring them to court as part of his way of making amends for pulling a knife on Angelino if Ambrose will come to a healing ceremony at a sweat lodge run by Joseph His Spirit Falls From The Sky.
New beat improvement 7. Keep in the conversation about learning to handle out of control tempers. Add in how easy it is to hurt people you love when you don’t mean to, how hard it is to ask for forgiveness – it doesn’t matter what age you are, these are universal themes everyone struggles with. Then Ambrose can ask Joe for help to get the photos to help him feel self worth now he knows how close to suicide Joe is.
Beat 9. Value 4 Since Jody is being stubborn, his daughter and the Chief decide he should be the one to drive Ambrose on the long journey to the hospital for dialysis before Christmas. They take his daughter, Willa’s, old truck. It dies on a forest service road in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard.
Beat 9) New improved beat: The chief decides to force Jody to listen to what Ambrose has to say by making her drive Ambrose for dialysis. They take Willa’s old truck and get caught in a blizzard. Jody decides they need to walk out to a main road because Ambrose is too sick to wait for help. All the pain and anger comes out on their walk down the mountain in the blizzard. Ambrose struggles but is fading. Jody tries her best to get him to a trapper’s cabin, dragging him in the deep snow when he can’t walk any more.
Beat10 Value 5 Jody builds a shelter to wait out the weather. Ambrose hasn’t told anyone his IV port has gone septic and he’s got a serious infection. Jody has to use every bit of knowledge he knows to get Ambrose through the night alive.
New improved beat: 10) Ambrose tells her to just leave him. She can’t, he’s their star witness. Does she still love him? Maybe. The snow is so thick she doesn’t realize how close to the edge of the road she is and slips over the embankment. Ambrose desperately tries to haul her up, weak as he is without going over himself and just as it appears they are both going over, search and rescue find them.
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This is a very inspiring source for a story. Religion, malice (I consider evil a theological concept, not a real one), and innocence used as philosophical concepts and bases for story building are what makes great literature. The same basis is used in Brothers Karamazov, Faust, Lord Jim, and The Great Gatsby. If you can express these sentiments and emotions in vision and dialogue, you should have a critical and commercial success.
I do have a few questions. I am unclear where the Holy Trinity fits in – dogma and control? Who is the protagonist? I can see three in what I have read. All could be Heroes. Is Jody in love with Ambrose? Making Jody female is a good idea. Major feminine roles should be an advantage nowadays and are uncommon. Does Jody do something to bring S&R? It would be better to have her an agent rather than have rescue by chance. Is there any way you could make the decision to walk out rather than stay put the logical one? How desperate is Ambrose to get to dialysis? I would stay in place and build a smoke fire. She has gas from the truck. (Forgot. They are in a blizzard>)
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Susan Elevated Story Beats
What I’ve learned during this assignment is that figuring out the purpose behind each scene is so beneficial! It makes me see weak links that I had just glossed over before.
3. INT. VET OFFICE WAITING ROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
Purpose: introducing John and having him meet Kari (and fall for her).
Before: John sees Kari for the first time while picking up Bridget’s (his girlfriend) poodle. Working as a veterinarian, she appears in her office, saying good-bye to a customer. John is in the waiting room, and instantly falls for her.
After: It is Halloween, and many of the people in the waiting room are in costumes. A cantankerous parrot says something offensive, which causes a heated argument among the owners sitting in the waiting room, with John responding aggressively. Their respective dogs, sparked by their anger, start fighting! Kari runs out and breaks up the fight between the dogs, getting bitten in the process. The people applaud. John plays the victim to gain Kari’s sympathy, but also insults her for getting bitten. Kari makes amends with all by distributing dog and people treats and gently scolding the foul-mouthed parrot.
45. INT. VET OFFICE – MORNING
Before: John convinces her to give him another try and says he has a surprise for her.
He gives her instructions for a treasure hunt for her to find the animal sanctuary he has built for her. He is waiting for her in the animal sanctuary in a bear costume and proposes to her. She accepts.
After: A year later and it is Halloween again. John brings Kari to her animal sanctuary, where a minister there to perform the wedding. That would show John’s arrogance in assuming she’d say yes and also his skills of manipulation, as he is taking advantage of her delight as he just made her life dream of an animal sanctuary come true. It is Halloween, and he has made the sanctuary into a haunted house (Halloween is Kari’s favorite holiday.)
99. (E9) INT. FUNERAL HOME – AFTERNOON
Purpose: For Ruby to die and for Sis to wake up about her brother, John.
Before: Jack is seen running around with a clipboard, managing the ceremony. He disappears in a back room while talking to funeral director. Kari sits with Sister and Kid in the bench. Jack takes the podium and clears his throat. (During his speech we see the funeral procession and then the lowering of the coffin into the ground. As the coffin lowers, we see Jack, Kari, Sister, and Kid, with various friends, standing around, watching. Gerald sobs unconsolably.
After: Ruby dies in the nursing home. John’s sister sees Kari’s wedding ring (which John had stolen from her). Later the sister would go to Ruby’s home and see the stuffed animal that John had stolen from her kid, and would realize, in front of Kari, that John had staged the break-in to get Ruby’s house and so be able to give Kari her animal sanctuary.
103. (E4) INT. HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Purpose: for Kari to realize that John’s vulnerable side is just an act too
Before: John is lying on the couch, adamantly texting on his phone with his sister, who wants to sell the house. John curses at her while writing loving texts to stay on her good side. He shows his texts to Kari.
After: Sis storms into the house to confront Kari, thinking that Kari stole it. As she looks for her throughout the house, John follows, speaking sweetly to Sis. Kari enters the room, but he grabs her, takes her into another room, and says terrible things about Sis. Then he goes back and sweettalks Sis, saying terrible things about Kari. Kari hears all this two-faced switching. Sis, calmed down and believing John’s excuse that he bought it at a pawn shop the thief must have used (because that’s all that Kari deserved), starts to leave, when she notices her kid’s stuffed animal. She realizes that John is the one who broke into the house. They are in the middle of a terrible fight, when the cell phone alarms for the approaching wildfire.
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