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Day 8 Assignments
Reply to post your assignment.
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6 Replies
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Kenneth Wood
THE SANTA BROTHERHOOD
Elevated beats
What I learned: Separating out a scene individually, and thinking of ways to creatively enhance it, really makes me stretch mentally to make it the most impactive it can be. Since my script is a comedy, I needed to infuse an “on-foot” chase scene with something comedic and somehow use something that my lead character, Doug, uses from his profession as a store decorator. In the opening scene is flocking trees for the Santa Wonderland display. In the chase scene, I added that Doug whips out a can of Christmas tree flock, and uses it like a can of mace, to blind the gang leader T. Roy, when he catches up to him. This served to create a kind of bookends for the movie.
The scene:
EXT. RIVER BANK – CONTINUOUS
The Santa van heads underneath a bridge overpass, but POPS a front tire. T. Roy loses control. He slams on the brakes, then hits a bridge pylon. SMOKE pours from the crumpled hood.
Abe’s Truck and the Police Car SCREECH to a halt behind them. Policewoman roles her eyes. T. Roy grabs his gun. He and Slice jump out of the car and make a run for it. Cal and Doug run after them.
POLICEMAN
Halt. Do not run.
Bob, Miss Amy, and Abe get out of the vehicles. Policeman and Policewoman draw their guns.
POLICEWOMAN
Put your hands up.
They Comply. Miss Amy puts hers down and approaches.
MISS AMY
I can explain.
POLICEWOMAN
Stop. Hands up lady.
POLICEMAN
(low voice to Policewoman)
She must be the Godmother.
They continue. T. Roy shoots at Cal and Doug. Cal slows.
CAL
Wait, Doug.
Doug keeps running into the gun fire. Cal cringes.
CAL
Doug, nooo.
T. Roy turns his upper body to shoot Doug. Doug whips out a can of flock and sprays T. Roy in the face. T. Roy loses his balance and stumbles into Slice.
Doug tackles them from behind. They roll into the river. Cal and the Police Officers run to pull them out.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Kenneth Wood.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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MARIAN REDMANN ELEVATED STORY BEATS – SHARK ABYSS
What I learned doing this assignment is, that it is that it’s challenging to revise scenes for which I didn’t come up with an inspiring idea in the first draft of the script and which are either structural or genre-typical in approach. With this process, I can isolate the problem. Even though I’m still not completely satisfied with the solutions I found, all three new beats are more interesting and give more exciting background to characters that were previously uninteresting.
1. (E8) Divers are attacked by a deadly bull shark.
2. (E8) Lisanna argues with her daughter Mia and saves Freddy the Shark, Julian rushes to help to distract Freddy.
3. (E7) Julian wants Lisanna to investigate the shark attack. They have a history together, knowing each other from university.
4. (E6) Mia is not impressed by Julians money and power. Lisanna is reluctant to enter the helicopter because of her claustrophobia.
5. (E6) Mia stays wither her father. She thinks her mother should care more for the environment instead of sharks or money.
6. (E8) Lisanna tries to find out what has caused the attack.
7. (E7) Julian wants Lisanna to dive in the submarine cave, to find out if there are dangerous sharks.
FLAGGED BEAT: 7A. (E6) Lisanna is reluctant to the call of adventure, researching and finding out more about bull sharks (footage from internet) and Julian’s recent past.
Purpose of the Scene: Lisanna hesitates to trust Julian and accept the assignment. She sees other possibilities, such as alerting the authorities. In addition, I want to show some background material about Julian and the sharks that we find out with Lisanna. There should also be a ticking clock installed and Lisanna should come under pressure.
Solution: Lisanna needs a bit more time to examine the footage more closely, while examining the footage she gives explanations about the bull sharks and Julian reveals more background of the company. Together they come to the conclusion that the sharks could now set off the explosives and possibly even get out into the open. Every minute counts. Julian’s company has a deadline for reporting incidents. He wants to take advantage of this to be sure if there are bull sharks and what danger they pose. At this point, in his opinion the authorities would bring more harm than good, panic would break out. Mia is in danger, maybe Lisanna wants to warn Mia but can’t reach her or Claas. Lisanna wants to get the authorities involved. Julian puts pressure on her, because during the time they were together and Lisanna was an activist, he kept information to himself that would have hurt Lisanna with the police. He had helped her then, now he wants her to help him. If necessary, Julian presents a plan for this, where we get an idea of how the caves look and what can happen if the explosion is triggered.
8. (E7) Lisanna goes to the diving site in an inflatable boat, her dive buddies are two of Julian’s men.
9. (E8) Lisanna dives into the cave, feeling queasy because of her claustrophobia.
FLAGGED BEAT: 10. (E5) Julian sees the action via Lisanna’s cam. He talks to his father. Julian’s father is the key figure in the background.
Purpose of the Scene: It should be established that there is a dark force even behind Julian. In addition, Julian wants to prove something to his father, a goal / trait that makes him more human.
Solution: Julian reaches his father on the hunt in South Africa, if necessary, with important people, they hunt an endangered big cat, we see in the respective conversations with Julian the progress of the hunt. Julian’s father’s behavior during the hunt shows him to be particularly arrogant, cynical and cruel.
11. (E7) Parallel plot: Mia meets her friend Sophie. Mia is supposed to give a guided tour for tourists through the bunker.
12. (E6) Lisanna dives into the cave with a rusted submarine. There is a lot of old Nazi explosives stored there. The submarine has a hole. Some explosives have already gone off. Lisanna can’t dive into the boat because of her claustrophobia.
13. (E5) Mia meets all the members of the group she is to guide through the bunker. We will reveal more about their personalities as we follow their adventure in Act 2.
14. (E10) Lisanna finds caged bull sharks in a small cave. She is attacked by one of the men. When he tries to kill her, a bull shark mauls him. Explosives explode and the cave collapses.
15 (E7) Mia and the tourists are surprised by the explosion. The bunker system seems to have sunk. Water penetrates. They cannot stay in the bunker for long.
16. (E5) Julian’s father is not convinced the operation is going well and sends his own commando team.
17. (E8) Lisanna lives but is attacked by a large bull shark. She can just save herself in an adjacent cave.
18. (E10) Lisanna finds the second diver and wants to help him. The shark kills him and chases Mia.
19. (E10) Claas is able to rescue Lisanna into a higher passage, but the water is rising and soon the shark will have reached her. Lisanna learns that Mia is also in the bunker. She has to save Mia.
20. (E6) The water is rising. Mia looks for a way out of the room. Some of the tourists want to stay. A shark attacks and kills members of the group. Mia is separated from the others. The others are able to escape into a shaft, believing Mia is dead.
21. (E8) Lisanna and Claas work their way through the rubble trying to find out what happened and why dangerous sharks are here. Claas has new information about Julians company and the sharks.
22. (E8) Lisanna and Claas find the tourists. Lisanna learns that Mia is probably dead. The group plans to go back towards the exit and fight the shark with an improvised device.
FLAGGED BEAT: 23. (E5) A commando team arrives. They think they are the good guys, but we suspect they are bad guys.
Purpose of the Scene: Julian’s father aggravates the situation by sending a commando. Now there are also personified antagonists with whom Lisanna must fight. This also provides opportunities for “normal” combat (instead of shark underwater combat) and the ability to communicate. Listening in on radio traffic, interrogation, etc.
Solution: The three mercenaries look like Aryan clones. All of them are blond and have blue eyes, are particularly athletic, there is also a woman among them. It turns out that the three are triplets. It is implied that they could come from a cloning program run by the father’s corporation and also subtly underpins the father’s superhuman ideology. In the subtext the whole also takes reference to the fact that the father could have taken up the “Lebensborn” – experiments and have continued. In addition, each of the mercenaries gets its own personality, which is also reflected by the choice of their respective weapons.
24. (E8) The group fights the shark and is able to get past it. Another tourist is killed.
25. (E6) Lisanna finds Mia. She is alive! But the exit to the top is buried. Soon they will drown or be eaten by the sharks. A new plan is needed. Sophie knows an unknown part of the secret submarine base, that can be reached through a tight pipe shaft.
26. (E6) The remaining sharks can free themselves.
27. (E7) The three men of the commando eam split up. Two are looking for Lisanna and the others. One wants to arm explosives. Are they coming to help or do they have something else in mind?
28 (E10) Lisanna and the others go through the narrow pipe. Lisanna nearly drowns from getting stuck because of her claustrophobia. Claas saves her.
29 (E10) Lisanna and the others battle the two commandos. They think Lisanna is a terrorist. An explosive charge has been placed on the old submarine that could destroy the entire island. Lisanna is the only one who can defuse them. Mia does not understand, what secrets does her mother keep?
30. (E10) Mia falls into the water. Lisanna and Claas have to save her. Mia begs Lisanna to defuse the bomb to save the island. Claas sacrifices himself for his daughter and is killed by a shark.
40 (E10, heading UP TO 11) Lisanna can kill one of the remaining three sharks. She cannot disarm the detonator and must bring it into the sub to dampen the detonation. To do this, she must overcome her claustrophobia. Two sharks follow her into the submarine. Lisanna barely has minutes left and has to trick the two sharks. At the last second, she tries to escape through the hole in the outer wall of the submarine. Then she catches the blast of the explosion.
41, (E6) The island and most of the bunker survived the muffled explosion. Lisanna is accused in the news of being guilty of the attack.
42. (E6) Mia and the others are taken to the Future Star. Julian’s father plans to detonate an even bigger bomb to destroy the island.
43. (E5) Miraculously, Lisanna has survived. She dives into the diving lock of Future Star to free Mia. Julian holds Mia in his power and wants to throw both of them to the sharks. We learn that Julian plans to convert all of Helgoland into an oil production platform, using explosives and sharks to keep tourists away. The plan was to use Lisanna as a scapegoat all along. Julians ego is so big that he brags about his plans. Lisanna is streaming this confession live to the media, making sure to stop Julian and his father.
44. (E7) Lisanna distracts the shark with her knowledge of the sharks in her lab and frees Mia. Julian faces a horrible death as Lisanna is able to trap him and the shark in the same cage.
45. (E8) Lisanna saved her daughter and the island and is hailed as the hero of Helgoland. She moves into Claas’ lighthouse with Mia. Lisanna and her mother have found each other again.
46. (E9) Tourists are sightseeing around Helgoland in a boot. There are no more dangerous sharks.
But… a large fin appears and heads for the small boat…🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈
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# Subject: Daniel Rangel Elevated Story Beats
## What I learned doing this assignment is…
I’m still trying to understand my “core” story.
I lose meaning when the MacGuffin isn’t tied directly to the protagonist in some way.
The need for scaffolding and bootstraps for the audience. Using familiar concepts so a general audience can grasp some of the more complex ideas.
Brainstorm replacements for MacGuffins that are personal to Rafaela.
Establish stakes that are simple and clear: What happens if the protagonist succeeds/fails? What happens if the antagonist succeeds/fails?
Just when I thought I’d gotten over the resistance to changing my story, this felt like I was murdering my babies. (sad face)
I’ve changed 38 beats and have my “before and after”, but for the sake of this post, I haven’t included that info. If anyone’s interested in seeing that let me know.
### ASSIGNMENT
1. Select at least three (3) scenes in your Beat Sheet that you’d like to improve.
2. Tell us the purpose of each scene you are improving.
3. Give us the “before and after” of the beats you improve.
4. Give us the updated Beat Sheet with the improvements you’ve made.
5. At the top of your work, answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?”
### Deadline: 48 hours
Saturday 10-08-2022
### My goals for this assignment:
#### 1. Eliminate confusing subplots, *remove any mention of*:
– Solar Induced Dark Age
– Ancestor Simulations
– Scientific frontier of Consciousness
– Lena’s father and his sacrifice
– Lena’s Illness
– Rafaela’s Illness
– Magic
– Lady Monica
#### 2. Drop in *Raiders of The Lost Ark* MacGuffins to see if the story still works.
KEY:
1. [scene #] (E6) [entertainment rating] **MERGED**, **OMITTED** or **REVISED** [designates the type of improvement, if nothing’s indicated, there’s been no change]: Opening image [purpose of the beat]
# Act 1
1. (E6) **OMITTED**: Opening Image
2. (E6) **REVISED**: To establish her special talent and what she WANTS VERY BADLY.
Rafaela is a very good smuggler who wants to make enough money to get out of debt and buy herself a big, fat retirement.
3. (E6) **REVISED**: Introduce the MAIN DRAMATIC CONFLICT and the ANTAGONIST.
**Inciting Incident:** She’s approached by a powerful anti-noble leader, Henrietta Stone,and her lieutenant, Juan, to find an artifact sought after by the Nobles before they can use it to win the war.
4. (E4) **REVISED**: On page 10, we know the story is about…
On page 10, she’s offered the job. Rafaela thinks this will solve all her problems. At this point, we know TKOTF is about… a soldier who is about to become responsible for the lives of two refugees and confront the demons from her past.
5. (E4) **OMITTED**: Establish forces controlling Rafaela’s life.
## 6. – 7. FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
6. (E6) **REVISED**: Act 1 Event that completes the destruction of the normal world.
After a fight between Henrietta and Juan leaves Henrietta dead, Lena joins Rafaela with her father’s amulet that will give them the location of the Ark.
7. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela’s DECISION that carries consequences for her and shapes the narrative in Act 2.
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# Act 2
8. (E3) **OMITTED**: Raise the stakes, set a ticking clock.
9. (E3) Gloria says the Ark is at a science facility called *Sueño Lindo* (Beautiful Dream) run by a mythical group called The Hide. They must send a radio transmission using Lena’s father’s amulet as verification, then The Hide will send them their coordinates.
10. (E2) **OMITTED**: False hope of returning to the normal world.
11. (E4) **OMITTED**: Remove hope of returning to the normal world.
12. (E2) **REVISED**: Further raise the stakes.
They arrive at a penal colony. Gloria says they must wait until the following midnight to receive The Hide’s geolocation!
13. (E3) When the assistant warden sees a news item depicting [[Rafaela as responsible for Juan’s actions]], he reports them to noble authorities.
## 14. – 19. MIDPOINT
14. (E4) **OMITTED**: Bond building between the two leads and Rafaela opening herself up to a spiritual worldview.
15. (E6) Noble military raid the penal colony, and Gloria sacrifices her life for the others to escape.
16. (E3) **OMITTED**: Rafaela confronts her core wound.
17. (E4) **OMITTED**: Rafaela learns how to heal her wound.
17. (E4) **REVISED**: Raise stakes and push action to the climax.
Using the medallion, Rafaela discovers the location of the Ark.
18. (E3) **OMITTED**: Meeting with the Goddess. Reveal protagonist’s true love.
19. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela refuses to allow another girl die under her care.
20. (E3) They are escorted into a transparent megastructure by military leader Captain Chuco.
## 21. – 23. TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2
21. (E6) **REVISED**: To establish what happened to Lena’s father. The second major twist.
Juan and his group burst into the ceremonial chamber, taking Lena and the Ark hostage. Gurion escapes as the rest of the science team are executed.
22. (E2) **REVISED**: Act 3 Goal
Juan discusses how he must perform an ancient ceremony to open the Ark before using it against the Nobles.
23. (E4) **OMITTED**: Attempts return to the normal world.
#
___
# Act 3
24. (E6) Rafaela watches as *Sueño Lindo*’s invisible structure collapses, killing and maiming everyone outside the pyramids. A bomber jet flies overhead. In the distance, tanks, helicopters, and military vehicles bear flags of Noble houses from around the globe.
25. **MERGED** into 24.
26. (E6) **OMITTED**: Set up for Rafaela’s choice between returning to the normal world and saving Lena.
27. (E5) Rafaela makes her way through collapsing tunnels. She finds Gurion and Chuco collecting weapons in a large duffel. She refuses to take a firearm.
28. (E6) **REVISED**: Begin letting go of the normal world.
Rafaela ignores Gurion’s advice to flee using an escape tunnel to go find Lena.
29. (E6) **REVISED**: Commits 100% to a Risk All Plan
Rafaela sees Lena next to the ceremonial platform. She takes several weapons from Chuco’s bag and tells him to lock the entrance and hide themselves.
30. (E3) She kills every soldier in the room.
31. (E6) **REVISED**: Final attempt at returning to the normal world.
Rafaela tries to save Lena, but Juan calls her bluff about destroying the Ark and captures Rafaela as well.
32. (E2) **OMITTED**: Increase the stakes/guilt/sense of responsibility for Rafaela.
## 33. – 39. CLIMAX
33. (E2) **REVISED**: Decisive Action/Fatal Blow/Completes Transformation
The Ark consumes Juan and his goons.
34. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
35. (E8) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
36. (E3) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
37. (E3) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
38. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
39. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
## 40. – 43. Resolution
40. (E4) **OMITTED**: To show the result of Rafaela’s actions: save Lena’s life and her (Rafaela’s) soul.
40. **REVISED**: The Ark is hidden away by The Hide; Rafaela and Lena leave together.
41. (E1) **OMITTED**: To show that Lena has learned from Rafaela’s sacrifice.
42. (E4)**OMITTED**: To show that the world has yet to learn from Rafaela’s sacrifice.
43. (E3) **OMITTED**: To show the final image as the opposite of the opening image. Proof that change has occurred and that it’s real.
I hope this shows how most of this story’s purpose/meaning has been tied to complicated subplots and sci-fi concepts. With those out of the way I can clearly see the “core” story: a woman’s spiritual journey from being completely lost after the murder of her daughter, to sacrificing her life for a young girl who’s rekindled her faith.
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Joan Butler Elevated Story Beats
What I learned: With Hal’s specific guidelines I was able to bring almost all of my scenes up to (E8) Satisfactory or (E9) Good. My other ratings were (E6) Poor (E7) Needs Work.
*** Means I Don’t Know How to Elevate the Scene.
I wrote the script specifically for the counseling scenes. I’m very upset to see that two of them rate (E7). They are two of the least entertaining scenes in the whole script and I have no idea how to elevate them! I would ask everyone to look at those 2 scenes, but I don’t know if that is allowed.
I elevated almost all the other scenes that rated (E6) or (E7). They are now (E8) or (E9). I increased their emotion, ended them with unanswered questions, or had them fit the characters’ traits. Below are a few examples. The others only have their new ratings.
1. (E.9) EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – NIGHT
Six-year-old SELMA and MOMMY are introduced. Selma hurries from Blue Bird Transition House pulling Mommy behind her.
1 A. (E7) INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
Purpose: to introduce Selma at 40 years of age.
Before: (E7)
SELMA, the maxims she lives by, her poverty, and her poor health are introduced.
After: (E8)
This opens the scene:
“Wearing blue flannelette pajamas with a photo locket she never removes and holding a small bag marked FINEPHARMACY, SELMA (46) locks her front door.
She employs a dead bolt, 3 large barrel bolts, and a barricade attached to the floor.”
Then the maxims she lives by, her poverty, and her poor health are introduced.
1 B. (E8) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – HALLWAY – NIGHT
MARK is introduced. He is seen in photographs with powerful men like Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.
1 C. (E8) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
ELIZABETH is introduced. Following her rape, she stares at a picture as Mark leaves to practice singing.
2. (E8) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Angry, Elizabeth hits a window.
2 A. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
Purpose: to lead up to the inciting incident.
Before: (E7)
Selma sifts through bills and counseling magazines.
After: (E8)
“Selma slowly sifts through a pile of mail separating flyers from letters marked FINAL NOTICE. When she finds a counseling magazine, she looks forlorn as she riffles through its pages. “
2 B. (E7) INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – BALCONY – DAY
Purpose: the inciting incident
Before: (E7)
Selma reads an eviction notice.
After: (E8)
Selma carefully places a tiny spider on a leaf then opens the envelope and reads.
2 C. (E8) INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
Selma decides to interview for a job at Blue Bird House.
3. (E8) EXT. GATE – DAY
Selma stands outside the transition house gate trying to get up the nerve to push an intercom button.
3 A. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – DAY
Selma meets Gaia, the manager of all the transition houses in the City.
3 B.(E7) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – OFFICE – DAY
Selma lies about still having her private practice.
4. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Gaia tells Selma about a pilot project that requires a counselor to deprogram abused women who have been brainwashed by their abusers. She takes the job.
5. (E8) INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – BALCONY – DAY
Purpose: to emphasize Selma’s fatigue
Before: (E6)
Selma falls asleep studying in-take questions.
After: (E8)
Selma falls asleep studying in-take questions. As her torso falls sideways, her chair tips. She wakes and saves herself with her outstretched hand. In her next scenes we see her with a tensor bandage and find she has sprained her wrist. (Take the scene to an extreme.)
5 A. (E7) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – OFFICE – DAY
Selma lies to Gaia about studying the in-take questions and agrees not to allow children.
5 B. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Gaia asks Selma to hang this message: You Are Stronger, Braver, and More Powerful Than You Think.
6. (E9) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – DINING ROOM – DAY
Mark scalds Elizabeth with hot coffee.
6 A. (E8) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Mark blames Elizabeth for the scald.
7. (E8) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – ENSUITE BATHROOM – DAY
While Elizabeth dresses the wound, she realizes Mark could do it again.
7 A. (E9) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – SEWING ROOM – DAY
Elizabeth finds money, her bag, and a phone number to the house. She calls. Mark comes home. He gets a sweater and leaves.
8. (E6) EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – DAY
Elizabeth arrives at the transition house and meets Selma.
9. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – INTAKE ROOM – DAY
Selma interviews Elizabeth. Elizabeth says her phone must stay on. Selma warns Elizabeth not to contact Mark. Elizabeth says Mark is a good man and “all this stuff” is not his fault. When he phones, Elizabeth says she’s at a retreat.
10. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – INTAKE ROOM – DAY
Jasmine (17 going on 12) arrives with a new-born baby and a broken arm. She is rude to Selma and Elizabeth.
10 A. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jasmine says she’s not leaving the house and she’s not going back to her boyfriend. She threatens to go to the media if Selma doesn’t let her stay.
10 B. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Purpose: to get the baby off-camera so the viewer can concentrate on the discussion between Selma and Elizabeth.
Before: (E6)
Elizabeth rocks the baby. Selma offers to take her back to Jasmine.
After: (E8)
“Elizabeth closes her eyes and places her cheek against the baby’s head. She looks as if she would hold on to that baby forever.” (Add emotion.)
11. (E9) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – DAY
Selma convinces Elizabeth to stay for 3 days and come for counseling to help her find happiness, something that would make her life easier at home, and her lost self.
11 A. (E8) INT. SELMA’S OLD VERSA SEDAN – NIGHT
Selma drives. After she almost nods off, she lowers the windows and cranks up some MUSIC.
11 B. (E8) EXT. (SELMA’S OLD VERSA SEDAN – NIGHT
Selma arrives at a small dock.
11 C. (E8) EXT. SMALL FERRY – NIGHT
Selma stands on the deck, staring at a light on the mountaintop.
11 D. (E8) EXT. MOUNTAINTOP HOUSE – STAIRS – NIGHT
Selma has difficulty climbing the stairs.
12. (E8) INT. MOUNTAINTOP HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Selma tells Gaia that she and her mother stayed at Blue Bird House then left. When they got home, her father killed her mother. Selma lies and says she didn’t see it happen. They agree Elizabeth will be their 1<sup>st</sup> client. They discuss how counseling will work.
Act 2
13. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Elizabeth helps Jasmine feed the baby.
13 A. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth’s phone is on the night stand. When it RINGS, she scurries into the closet.
13 B. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM CLOSET – NIGHT
Elizabeth crouches in the corner, trapped. The phone continues to RING, then STOPS.
14. (E8) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – LIBRARY – NIGHT
Mark looks for Elizabeth.
15. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
Selma does a module that reminds Elizabeth what made her happy from ages 5 to 34.
15 A. (E8) EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – DAY
Elizabeth smiles to herself as she carefully deadheads the geraniums on the stairs. When she smells one, her face fills with joy.
16. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Selma is rebuffed when she tries to ease Jasmine’s anxiety.
17. (E8) INT. PETRA’S OFFICE – DAY
Petra demands that Selma write a report justifying her counseling.
17 A. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jasmine refuses to look after the baby.
17 B. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT The phone rings but Elizabeth doesn’t answer it. She sings to the baby.
17 C. (E8) INT. MARK’S HOUSE – MARK’S LIBRARY – NIGHT
Mark is smug after he uses Find My Phone to locate the house.
17 D. (E8) EXT. MARK’S PORSCHE – NIGHT
Mark drives through the dark lonely streets.
17 E. EXT. GATE – NIGHT
Purpose: to add tension
Before: (E6)
Mark kicks the gate again and again.
After: (E8)
Mark kicks the gate again and again. He does damage, but it holds. He backs up, sprints to the gate, and attempts to scale it. He’s almost there when he falls hard on his hip and back. (Take the scene to an extreme.)
17 F. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – OFFICE – NIGHT
Blossom reports that Mark has found the house.
***17 G. (E7) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
Selma does a module that reminds Elizabeth what qualities she admired before she met Mark. Elizabeth asks if Selma has seen this kind of counseling work with other women. Selma lies and says yes.
17 H. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jasmine’s father refuses to let her come home. She examines her cutting equipment.
17 I. (E8) EXT. PARK – DAY
Gaia tells Selma about the report and states why Gaia can’t call the police about Mark.
17 J. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Selma asks if Elizabeth wants pictures of her wound.
17 K. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – BATHROOM – DAY
Selma takes pictures of Elizabeth’s scald. The wound is disgusting.
18. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Purpose: to show Selma working on Petra’s report.
Before: (E6)
Selma tries to stay awake to write Petra’s report.
After: (E8)
Wincing, she places one foot in the pan of water and ice then the other. She begins to type. (Take it to an extreme.)
18 A. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth hides her phone in the farthest corner of the closet then closes the door.
19. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Elizabeth meets Bella and has flashback.
19 B. (E6) INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Purpose: to show Selma is doing everything to help raise money.
Delete. It doesn’t match her worldview; the world is not safe.
19 A. (E9) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth stands in front of the closet. With a heavy sigh, she opens the door and retrieves the phone.
20. (E9) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth phones Mark. He gaslights her and feeds his dog. She cuts the conversation short when he says he’ll come and get her.
21. (E9) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – GARDEN – DAY
Using info from the first 2 sessions Selma tries to convince Elizabeth that Mark is an abuser. She becomes angry and says it’s not his fault, she’s in control, and she’s not his victim.
22. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – DAY
Elizabeth is furious when she discovers Selma’s lie.
23. (E8) (INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Bella convinces Elizabeth to stay until Sunday.
23 A. (E8) INT. JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jasmine gets upset with Selma.
23 A. (E8) EXT. PARK – DAY When Selma is frustrated with Elizabeth, Gaia defends her.
24. (E9) INT. PETRA’S OFFICE – DAY
Petra tells Gaia she will be fired when her project is canceled.
24 A. (E8) INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
She fingers through a box of recipes and chooses one, then she chooses a set of DVDs and makes a call.
25. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Mark promises everything will be wonderful when Elizabeth gets home then gaslights her.
25 A. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth and Bella watch the DVDs.
26. (E8) EXT. GATE – NIGHT
When Mark can’t see into the transition house with his drone, he hires a PI to find out what happens in the building.
26 A. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jasmine is too tired to feed the baby.
26 C. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth is at peace while she feeds the baby.
26 D. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Purpose: to contrast Selma’s night with that of Elizabeth’s
Before: (E6)
Selma has a nightmare. She wakes abruptly with fear on her face.
A soft heart beat LUB-DUB. LUB-DUB.
After: (E8)
Selma has a nightmare. She shouts, ”Momma!” then wakes abruptly.
A soft heart beat LUB-DUB. LUB-DUB.
27. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
Jasmine becomes jealous of Elizabeth. This sets up Jasmine’s later put-down of Elizabeth and Selma’s yelling.
28. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
Purpose: to show another step in the deprogramming.
Before: (E7)
Selma and Elizabeth argue as Selma explains how to counter the effects of hurtful words and that they made Elizabeth gradually lose herself.
After: (E8)
The argument becomes a conversation part way through the scene because the previous session in the garden was one long confrontation. Elizabeth realizes Selma has kept her side of the bargain and granted Elizabeth’s 3 wishes. (What will happen?)
28 A. INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Purpose: to give Elizabeth a reason to stay longer at the house.
Before: (E6)
Bella asks Elizabeth if she wants to make bread.
After: (E8)
Bella’s wheelchair doesn’t fit the table. To accommodate Bella, they sit on the floor while they each add and mix ingredients for the bread. Elizabeth says she will think about staying until Sunday.
(It’s unusual to see people making bread while on the floor and there is What will happen next? concerning Elizabeth’s decision.)
29. (E9) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY
When Jasmine puts Elizabeth down, Selma yells at her. Gaia hears the yelling.
29 A. (E9) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – BATHROOM – DAY
Jasmine cuts herself.
30. (E8) EXT. GATE – DAY
Gaia reprimands Selma and puts her on notice.
***30 A. (E7) INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Purpose: to show Selma is serious about changing in order to keep her job.
Before:
Selma watches YouTube trying to learn how to curb her anger.
After:
WHAT CAN I DO TO ELEVATE THIS SCENE?
31. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Mark tells Elizabeth the baby could get sick if she keeps looking after it.
32. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Elizabeth tries to give the baby back to Jasmine, but she won’t take her.
33. (E8) EXT. STREET CORNER – NIGHT
The PI tells Mark the building is a transition house then tries to hide a snigger.
34. (E9) EXT. GATE – NIGHT
When Mark can’t get into the transition house, he buys a gun.
34 A. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – OFFICE – NIGHT
Purpose: to set up Petra’s fall at the end.
35. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
Selma discusses various ways Mark manipulates Elizabeth. She maintains he doesn’t manipulate her and she holds the power.
35 A. INT. LOBBY – DAY
Purpose: to remind viewers what’s at stake if Selma loses her job.
Before: (E6)
Selma receives an eviction reminder.
After:
Delete. The next scene fulfils the purpose.
35 B. INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
Purpose: to remind viewers what’s at stake if Selma loses her job.
Before: (E6)
Landlady pushes past Selma followed by two men.
After: (E8)
Landlady pushes past Selma followed by two MEN. Staring at their feet, Selma backs away in a panic. (Add emotion)
35 C. (E8) INT. SELMA’S STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Selma suffers a nightmare of work boots stomping.
36. (E9) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – ELIZABETH’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
As Elizabeth listens to Mark, she realizes Selma is right; Mark does manipulate her. Mark threatens to ruin her career if she is not home by 4:00 tomorrow.
37. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – JASMINE’S BEDROOM – DAY Jasmine decides to go back to her abuser.
38. (E8) EXT. GATE – DAY
Elizabeth reels when Jasmine shouts that Elizabeth should have her own baby.
***39. (E7) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – COUNSELING ROOM – DAY
Selma discusses traumatic bonding using pictures of cult leaders.
40. (E8) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – BATHROOM – DAY
In the dark, Selma rocks back and forth on the edge of the tub.
41. (E8) EXT. GATE – DAY
Police tell Selma that Jasmine has been killed.
42. (E8) INT. MOUNTAINTOP HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Selma offers Gaia her resignation and tells Gaia about the lies, watching her father kill her mother, the guilt of not saving her mother, the flashbacks and nightmares, her fear of men and their feet, her fear of being kicked and stomped, that she couldn’t write the report for Petra because she’s a long hauler.
Petra says she is canceling the project and firing Gaia.
Act 3
42. (9) EXT. GAIA’S VOLKSWAGEN LADYBUG – DAY
Selma and Gaia race to intercept Elizabeth before she leaves.
43. (9) INT. MARK’S PORSCHE – DAY
Mark puts a gun in the glove box and drives to the transition house.
44. EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – DAY
Purpose: to facilitate Elizabeth’s breakdown.
Before: (E7)
Selma shouts single words that each describe a technique Mark uses to control Elizabeth. She uses colored pencils to scribble colors that represent each word on a roll of paper. The words come faster and faster. Elizabeth finally screams and rips the paper to shreds. Moments later she admits she gave away her baby because Mark said she was delusional.
After: (E9)
She uses neon paint and stabs a representation of Mark over and over. Elizabeth finally screams and rips the paper to shreds. (Make it more extreme.)
45. (E9) EXT. GATE – DAY Mark arrives and tries to force Elizabeth into his car. Selma and Gaia hold him off until the police arrive and arrest him.
Resolution
46. (E8) EXT. GATE – DAY
Selma concludes that she is not responsible for her mother’s death; Her father is.
47. (E9) INT. TRANSITION HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT FIVE YEARS LATER Selma and Elizabeth chair a meeting of SODA–Survivors Of Domestic Abuse–a world-wide self-help organization they have created.
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Lisa’s Elevated Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is if you know the right questions to ask and take the time to explore the possibilities they present, they can be the keys that unlock the door to a much better story.
Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.
Beats to improve:
11. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY
Original purpose of the scene: To add intrigue, mystery, and the first big setup for Christian Santiago’s character.
New Purpose of the scene: Same.
Original beat: Fire and police crews crawl the smoldering ruins of the Damiano home. Christian arrives to make an assessment, but really to make sure the job was done right. He chats with fire chief Mack Porter and gets ahead of himself by asserting the event was an act of revenge. Porter sends him on his way and as he leaves, he texts 99% to the unknown caller from earlier.
New beat: The beat itself will not change but will be set up more deliberately/effectively in a previous scene.
21. INT. KENNEDY BACKYARD POOL – NIGHT
Original purpose of the scene: To move the story forward and set up the final scene.
New Purpose of the scene: To create a new setup that will be paid off in a future episode.
Original beat: Clare and Natalie wrap up their emotional visit by the pool as Clare tells her the only way she can move forward is to do everything she can to forget the events of her family’s death.
New beat: As Clare and Natalie wrap up their emotional visit by the pool, they marvel at the incredible response her song has garnered on TikTok and how this success should be used. Clare admits that at the very least, it has given her a sense of hope.
26. INT. KENNEDY HOME – NIGHT
Original purpose of the scene: To move Aaron out of the story as a character and to create a cliff hanger for the next episode.
New Purpose of the scene: To add intrigue to the story and create a cliff hanger for the next episode.
Original beat: Aaron comes over to visit Clare who tells him the only way she can move forward is to forget everything about the night her family died. Everything. He gets the hint and bows out of the picture.
New beat: Aaron comes over to visit Clare and they discuss him taking her away from the Kennedy’s (legal or not). Margaret eavesdrops on their conversation from around the corner and obviously has something up her sleeve.
New Beat Sheet
TEASER
INT. L.A.’S SOFI STADIUM – NIGHT
Aria’s (AKA Clare Damiano) first live concert – introduced by a major recording star – Reveal: daydream escape from her real life of homelessness.
ACT ONE
1. INT. CLARE DAMIANO’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clare sings as she gets ready for her date.
2. EXT. DAMIANO’S HOME – NIGHT
Aaron Forsyth arrives for his date with Clare and encounters the rest of the family. Clare is flying high from winning Philadelphia’s Rising Stars Talent Competition earlier that day.
3. INT. BACK SEAT OF AARON’S BMW – NIGHT
Aaron and Clare are passionately making out. They discuss the possibility of her moving to L.A. to get discovered. A massive explosion occurs nearby. They drive away to find out what’s happened.
4. EXT. DAMIANO HOUSE – NIGHT
Aaron and Clare arrive to find her house blown to smithereens.
5. INT. DIVINE MERCY HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Clare, Aaron, Aaron’s parents, and Clare’s aunt and uncle, Margaret and Phillip Kennedy wait for word on any survivors. Dr. Bartolomeo and his team break the bad news – no one survived. Clare falls apart and they keep her overnight on suicide watch.
ACT TWO
6. INT. – PHILLY POLICE DEPARTMENT MEN’S ROOM – DAY
PI Christian Santiago is doing his best to pump up his self-loathing attitude before he is announced as new Lead PI. A text from an unknown sender makes this difficult to achieve.
7. INT. – PD ROLL CALL ROOM – DAY
The women cops in the room are extremely happy that Christian has joined the team. After being introduced by the Sgt. Hammond, Christian makes a brief speech. As the group breaks and files out, one of the officers comes on to him.
8. INT. AARON’S ROOM – DAY
Aaron is unable to calm down. He drives down to Clare’s house and calls Clare’s best friend to tell her what’s happened. She calls her entire group of friends and they all meet him at the ruins of Clare’s house, consoling each other.
9. INT. NATALIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Aaron calls Natalie and breaks the news of the explosion.
10. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY
Aaron, Natalie, and their crowd of friends huddle together at the site of the explosion mourning Clare’s loss.
11. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY
Fire and police crews crawl the smoldering ruins of the Damiano home. Christian arrives to make an assessment, but really to make sure the job was done right. He chats with fire chief Mack Porter and gets ahead of himself by asserting the event was an act of revenge. Porter sends him on his way and as he leaves, he texts 99% to the unknown caller from earlier.
12. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY
Aaron has been waiting patiently to see Clare along with dozens of news reporters and camera operators. Natalie arrives with at least thirty other students with balloons, stuffed animals, etc. but the reception nurse tells them to go home because they can’t visit Clare until her aunt and uncle do. The media enjoys the fireworks and get it all on video to broadcast on the evening news. Margaret and Phillip arrive and are accosted by the media.
13. INT. NURSES STATION AT SUICIDE WATCH ROOM – DAY
A steady trickle of students, one-at-a-time, lay down their flowers, stuffed animals, etc. outside the transparent walls of Clare’s room. Clare is in a deep sleep, having a nightmare.
DREAM SEQUENCE
Clare dreams of her performance at the talent competition, but it ends with a fire consuming the auditorium and losing her family. Clare awakens with fright. She sees the love her friends are showing for her. The nurse puts her back to sleep with a sedative.
ACT THREE
15. INT. THE CORNER POCKET – NIGHT
Christian sits at the bar sipping a bourbon. A middle-aged woman comes in, sits next to him and orders a frozen margarita. She strikes up a conversation with Christian but the noise from the blender prevents us from hearing their conversation.
16. EXT. SANTIAGO HOUSE – NIGHT
Christian comes home to the gun of a barrel placed on the back of his head. It’s his wife, Jayna, accusing him of cheating on her, which he firmly denies. The eleven o’clock news reveals who the surviving family member is and Christian gets a cryptic text about a meeting on Tuesday.
17. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL – DAY
Margaret meets with Dr. Bartholomeo who states he will not administer any more sedative to keep Clare asleep and that she must be taken home so she can begin the healing process. Margaret reluctantly agrees to take her home.
18. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY
Margaret shows Clare the guestroom, then leaves her all alone.
19. INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Clare has slept for many hours and is awakened by her cousin, Blake. Margaret and Phillip have left for a dinner engagement so Blake and Clare commiserate over a grilled cheese sandwich.
20. EXT. NEWTON SPRINGS PARK – DAY
Jayna is strolling with the baby and is being photographed by a stranger, unbeknownst to her.
21. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY
Almost noon and Clare doesn’t have the will to get out of bed. Natalie drives two hours to visit Clare. They reunite and Clare admits she doesn’t have the will to live. Natalie encourages her to be positive, to use her gift of music and talented voice to motivate her to keep going. Reluctantly, Clare plays a song on the piano and sings while Natalie live streams it on TikTok without telling her. The response is explosive. Margaret and Phillip arrive home to ruin everything.
22. INT. KENNEDY BACKYARD POOL – NIGHT
As Clare and Natalie wrap up their emotional visit by the pool, they marvel at the incredible response her song has garnered on TikTok and how this success should be used. Clare admits that at the very least, it has given her a sense of hope.
ACT FOUR
23. EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
Clare eulogizes her family members at their funeral.
24. EXT. PHILADELPHIA MILLS MALL – DAY
The same woman who struck up a conversation with Christian at the bar, Crystal Cumbee, walks out of the mall and gets into Christian’s car. They drive off together.
25. EXT. RIVERSIDE CORRECTIONAL FACILITY (RCF) – DAY
Christian and Crystal arrive at the prison/ Crystal goes inside and Christian drives away.
26. INT. PRISON RECEPTION AREA – DAY
Crystal is scanned and searched.
27. INT. CONJUGAL VISIT ROOM – DAY
Crystal enters the room where a bald inmate sits waiting. It’s former police chief Roy Nagle.
28. INT. KENNEDY HOME – NIGHT
Aaron comes over to visit Clare and they discuss him taking her away from the Kennedy’s (legal or not). Margaret eavesdrops on their conversation from around the corner and obviously has something up her sleeve.
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DAY 8
Jeff Hall’s Elevated Story Beats
What I learned… This tool is a TREMENDOUS time saver!! I will use this with every project.
2. (E2) EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Ben watches families go by leaving church. Interacts with kids. Ben’s fiance walks by with her father and mother.
(IMPROVEMENT – Ben sees two boys come out of a closed store with treats that were obviously stolen. He confronts them, and they pretend to have guns, he gets nervous and sweaty, he gives in to them and lets them escape. They laugh as they hit him and get away. This makes him the laughing stock of the town.)
29. (E3) EXT. ROAD – DAY
Approaches the Muller House and approaches Mr Muller and requests work.
(Improvement – Mr Muller has heard of Ben gives him a hard time, but reluctantly hires him)
53. (E3) EXT. CITY STREET – MORNING
Maria, orphanage keeper, gives him water and blanket.
(Improvement – Maria, orphanage keeper, tells the children to leave the man alone for their own safetly. She sees that he is severely sick and enjured. Begrudgenly, she takes him in.)
***Delete beats 71 through 82. (New Beats will delete Sheriff Norse Character altogether. And Delete the entire day. This helps with the momentum of the climax)***
New 71. (E8) EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Nora discovers the body of her husband and immediate hunts Ben. Maria helps Ben and pleads with Nora to calm and think of her children.
New 72. (E8) INT. JAIL – NIGHT
Ben hides in the jail and Nora finds him. She shoots, but Ben protects himself with mattress. Nora enters the jails and Ben pushes her out with the mattress.
New 73. (E7) EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP – NIGHT
Ben jumps on top of roof top to hide.
New 74. (E7) EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Maria jumps Nora and knocks her down. Takes her gun and slaps sense into her.
New 75. (E5) EXT. BUILDING ROOF TOP – NIGHT
Ben sees that the orphanage is on fire. The Tall Man is on top cutting a hole in roof with his ax.
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