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Day 9 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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34 Replies
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REWRITE FOR CRITIQUE
Logline: John and Nick meet for a duel.
Essence: Diplomacy prevails over war
EXT. FIELD – DAY
A field at dawn. Massachusetts, 1770.
JOHN (40s) enters from the left. NICK (19) enters from the right. They wear gentlemen’s attire of the day, including capes to keep off the morning chill.
JOHN
Good day to you, sir.NICK
Good day to you. Can we begin?
Where is your Second?JOHN
I expect him shortly. And yours?NICK
Oh, he’ll be along.JOHN
Since they’re bringing the pistols,
we simply have to wait.NICK
Unless you prefer to fight with bare hands?
Yes, why not? Come on, old man!Nick balls up his fists and charges at John, who deftly maneuvers his cape
and passes it over Nick, like a toreador.Nick falls to the ground, but rather than stand back up, he rolls over to sit on the grass, his legs splayed.
JOHN
When our Seconds arrive, you’ll have to–well–
on principle–I refuse to shoot a man who is seated.John walks away a few paces, but doesn’t turn his back, keeping Nick in his sights. Nick rummages in the pockets of his cape, then tosses something to John, who doesn’t catch it, but moves aside. The object hits the ground and rolls away.
Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out another… apple! He bites into it and grins.
NICK
What’d you think it was? A cannonball?JOHN
Pardon me, but since we’ve come here with the intention–NICK
Afraid of an apple!JOHN
–with the intention of destroying each other–NICK
(mocking)
Oh, no! I can’t eat an apple from a tree-ee.
What if there’s a worm in it?
(himself again)
How are apples consumed at your house?
With a fork and knife?
(mocking, whining)
Servant, cut this apple for me!
(showing the apple)
Look, there’s a little fellow now!
(bites into it)
Mmmmm. The worm adds a certain je ne sais quoi.JOHN
You eat the worm… but by this afternoon, the worm
will be eating you.Nick nods and continues to munch sullenly,
not the response John expected.JOHN (CONT’D)
Why are we here?NICK
I insulted you. You had no option
but to challenge me to a duel.JOHN
But surely, you know I’m the best shot in the county.
And yet, you seemed to go out of your way–NICK
Don’t second-guess, sir! You must
defend your honor!JOHN
Are you one of these brash young men who
believes he’ll never die?NICK
Perhaps I surmised you’d never find a Second…
since you have no friends.JOHN
Again you insult me!NICK
Then where is this Second?JOHN
Where’s yours?NICK
You don’t suppose our plan was discovered, do you?
Oh, that wouldn’t look good. A Peer, like yourself,
arranging a duel.
(tsk, tsk)
And if you back out, well… that looks even worse.JOHN
Ah, so that’s it? You’re with that motley crew trying to convince
the elders to oust me from the council. As they were not successful,
they plan to make me out to be a coward?Nick lies back on the grass and dissolves into laughter, which gradually becomes sobs. He flings his arm over his eyes and wails.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Get up, sir. This is most unbecoming!
I refuse to face off with a lunatic.NICK
You married her off to a rich old man!JOHN
Do you mean– Rebecca? What has my
daughter to do with it?Nick continues to sob. John paces.
JOHN
And I’d hardly consider 30 to be “old.”Nick sobs and talks, his breath catching like a child who’s skinned his knee.
NICK
I –
(sob)
–love–
(sob)
–her.John smirks and shakes his head.
JOHN
Enough of this. On your feet.NICK
Are the Seconds here?JOHN
They’re not coming. Before setting out, I sent
them word that the duel was off.NICK
But– I want to die.JOHN
Suicide by duel!? What a concept!NICK
Well, I did hope after you killed me,
that you would go to prison. Since you
allowed her to– to– throw herself away!He wails again with self-pity.
JOHN
Did you ever confide in Rebecca that you–er–
did you share your feelings?NICK
She wasn’t interested.John smirks, proud of his daughter.
JOHN
You should know… she does cut up her apples. And peels them.
And eats them with a knife and fork.Nick’s hiccups slow and he composes himself.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Come on, now. Stand up.Nick stands and dusts off his cape.
NICK
(resigned)
So, you’re going to kill me now.JOHN
I’m taking you… to the Tavern.Nick stands, takes a moment for this to sink in, then:
NICK
What’s happening to me?
I’m ravenously hungry!JOHN
Perhaps you’ve just realized–
it’s good to be alive.Nick pulls another apple from his pocket.
JOHN
You have another one of those?NICK
Sure, but– mind the worms.Nick hands him an apple, John takes a bite, and they set off together.
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Hey Kristina,
I first wanted to thank you for critiquing with me. I am by far the least experienced in screenwriting in this group, and your feedback is very valuable to me. I only wish I was more experienced to be able to give you more insightful feedback. I will remember this to pay it forward when my screenwriting chops are developed. 🙂
Here is your critique…
Very cool and creative premise with the suicide by the hand of the father of the object of Nick’s thwarted affections. But, I am unclear on what info John (assuming he’s the good guy) was trying to get from Nick.
I do like that the face-off didn’t lead to violence, that seemed too easy to me so I like that the situation was diffused and how it was diffused.
JOHN: I can see him being daring by calling off the duel, distrustful when he accuses Nick of being part of a conspiracy to vote him off the council, loyalty wasn’t super obvious to me, maybe his general loyalty to being a good father, he even father’s Nick a little, and the loner bit is obvious from Nick making fun of him not having any friends.
SUBTEXT: His distrust is obvious, near paranoia with the conspiracy, but I can’t pinpoint where he tricks people into showing their worst side. His secretly canceling the duel says more about him being very wise and not ever taking Nick seriously yet he also shows Nick respect by showing up.
NICK: He is obviously confident in instigating the duel even if it is to aid in his suicide, which is his conniving trait, his rebelliousness could be seen as his willingness to commit suicide, and his apple sharing illustrates his giving trait.
SUBTEXT: He didn’t succeed in taking advantage of manipulating John, but I think this is due more to John’s character traits that aren’t listed, like him having wise foresight to know this young man wasn’t going to die by his hand before they even met for the duel. And Nick comes across as naïve and ruled by his inflated emotions.
I really like the added traits and how they unfold in the scene, they make the characters more complex and realistic to me. I was able to sort of see the events leading up to and following this scene, which I believe is a great writing skill to have.
I’m looking at this list of Interest Techniques and I can see almost all of them save for two.
More interesting setting: Maybe I was alone in this but when I first heard the premise, I thought “DUEL”, it is the classic stand-off. So maybe a different setting, but the duel set-up works well for this exercise, subjective I guess 🙂
Betrayal was also hard for me to pick out, but Nick sort of betrayed himself, and he also felt betrayed by Rebecca or at least hurt. But the other 8 techniques were obvious to me, so really good job doing that.
I wish Hal would give each of us notes on a scene like a real producer would, I think that would be invaluable since not all of us are on the same level when it comes to script experience.
Keep up the good work!
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Hi Kristina, Would you be willing to review my draft 2 of my scene. Best, Judith
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Hi Kristina,
Here are my thoughts. Keep up the good work. Best, Judith
TRAITS:
Nick – saw his confident trait when he said, “Unless you prefer to fight with bare hands? Yes, why not? Come on, old man!”
However, when he sobs and cries and falls apart, this is quite a twist. I’m not sure this would fit the period of time 1770 for a man to fall apart like this. Just something to think about.
He also shows confidence when he says, “Afraid of an apple!” And it is conniving in that he’s trying to get him to fight.
Conniving – Nick’s sobbing could be a conniving trick in trying to get John to shoot him.
I didn’t see the rebelliousness.
John – distrustful trait showed up when he says, “Are you one of these brash young men who believes he’ll never die?” Also, distrust shows up when John suspects he’s with the men trying to throw him out of the council.
John did get Nick to show his worst side by getting him to sob. That was a worst side.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES –
I wanted to find out why the duel which I thought was suspenseful. There was a major twist at the end when John takes Nick for a drink instead of killing him. And I felt John changed radically when he turned out to forgive Nick.
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George Verongos QE CYCLE #2 – REWRITE for CRITIQUE
LOGLINE: FACTION sentinel John Brody is summoned to his boss’s office only to find his boss has been replaced under suspicious circumstances.
ESSENCE: John uses his subtle talents in search of the truth.
SCENE: INT – MODERN HIGHRISE – DAY
JOHN BRODY, 40, fit, ex-military dressed in army fatigues and a black t-shirt. He has a limp and a gait that suggests he has been badly injured but is healing. The lobby is empty except for a solitary elevator whose door slides open as John approaches, almost beckoning him. There is only one button in the elevator, 87. The door closes on John. A beat later the elevator door opens and John steps out on the 87th floor where there is a RECEPTIONIST seated at a desk in front of a rather large, wooden, double-door.
JOHN: I’m here to see Mr. Fallon.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Fallon? I’m sorry, sir, there’s no one here by that name.
JOHN: Tell him John Brody’s here. He’s expecting me.
RECEPTIONIST: I think you might be at the wrong building.
JOHN: (incredulous) Zane Christopher Fallon. This building is named after him.
The receptionist looks confused. John sees his chance and limps toward the double door.
RECEPTIONIST: (gets up and follows him) Hey, you can’t just go in there!
INT – EXECUTIVE OFFICE SUITE – DAY
A large modern minimalist office with high ceilings, with only a large wooden desk, chair, and a long white Scandinavian design couch. Large abstract paintings line the walls. At the far end of the office is a large oak desk with NICOLAS WATT sitting behind it. John stops dead in his tracks. The receptionist comes running up behind John.
RECEPTIONIST: I’m sorry sir, I tried to stop him.
NICK: It’s okay, Janice. He’s fine. (waves her away) And please close the doors on your way. (quieter to John) It’s her first day.
JOHN: Who the fuck are you and where’s Fallon?
NICK: I’m sorry, John. Of course, how rude of me. (he stands and extends his hand) Nicolas Reginald Watt the third, but you can call me Nick.
John doesn’t shake his hand. After a beat, Nick retracts his hand.
NICK: (CONT’D) Please, please, have a seat. (he gestures to the couch)
JOHN: (stays standing) And Fallon?
NICK: Ah yes, Mr. Fallon. He retired.
JOHN: Retired? When?
NICK: It’s been nearly a year. I’m the executive director now. But of course, how would you know. With your lengthy rehabilitation in the Andes’, it was truly a miracle that you survived that mission. But look at you, (glances at John’s injured lag) nearly back to 100%.
JOHN: (ignoring Nick) Fallon’s the only director the Faction has ever had. He created it. He’d sooner die than retire.
NICK: Well, John, people do change their minds. After all, you probably didn’t think you’d ever retire either, and yet here you are.
JOHN: Or people have their minds changed for them.
NICK: That too. (beat) Now, John Brody, the original Faction sentinel, to what do I owe this pleasure?
John drops an envelope on the desk and limps over to a large painting on the wall to his right, his back to Nick. In the lower righthand corner of the painting are the initials of the artist ZCF.
NICK: What’s this?
JOHN: Courier delivered it yesterday. (beat) I’ve always liked these paintings.
NICK: Fallon left them. Not really my style, but I’ve just been too busy to get rid of them. Why don’t you take one? Consider it your gold watch. We can skip all the paperwork and formalities.
JOHN: (ignoring the offer but more friendly) Fallon loved art.
NICK: Loves.
JOHN: What?
NICK: You said Fallon loved art, past tense. He’s not dead, simply retired. (forced closed-lip smile)
JOHN: Oh, right. Grammar. He’s even tried his hand at painting but you didn’t hear it from me. He didn’t want anyone else to know.
Nick removes the letter from the blank envelope. The letter says: MISSION DEPLOYMENT and is dated 9 months earlier and signed by Zane Fallon. After a beat, Nick presses his lips together, forcing a smile.
NICK: Well, this is obviously some sort of mix-up. There are no pending missions assigned to you, and even if there were… (he refers to John’s gammy leg)
JOHN: Look at the date.
NICK: (confused) It’s dated from back—
JOHN: (interrupting) Back before Fallon retired. Yet it wasn’t delivered until yesterday.
NICK: (regaining his smugness) Perhaps someone is playing a practical joke on you? Old Marine buddy, maybe?
JOHN: I don’t have any (distaste) buddies.
NICK: Well, I’m sure there is a logical explanation for it. But I assure you, Mr. Fallon didn’t send that.
JOHN: He might have. I mean, he’s not dead, just retired, right?
Nick slides his hand over the Glock strapped beneath the desktop.
JOHN: (CONT’D) Grammar’s a bitch.
John chuckles as Nick joins him and removes his hand from the Glock.
NICK: I had no idea you had such a sense of humor, Mr. Brody.
JOHN: (turns toward Nick) You’re probably right. Just a mix-up. If you tell me how to get a hold of him then I can find out what this is all about and I’ll get out of your hair.
Nick hands the letter back to John.
NICK: Even if I knew how to get ahold of him I couldn’t tell you, John. You know that. Sentinels are summoned (he nods at the envelope in John’s hand), you don’t come looking for us. (beat) But alas, I don’t know where he is, he’s kept his plans extremely private.
JOHN: Right. Of course.
(long awkward pause)
NICK: Well, it has been an absolute pleasure to finally meet, John Brody, and if there isn’t anything else I can help you with… (he doesn’t bother offering his hand)
JOHN: No, that’s it. I’ll just see myself out.
John nods and hobbles for the double door.
INT – FALLON TOWERS, JANICE’S DESK – LATER
JOHN: Watt asked me to tell you to go to lunch, he’s on an important call and doesn’t want to be interrupted.
JANICE: What? I already had lunch. I better just ask Mr—
JOHN: Now, we don’t want to upset the boss on the first day. (he helps her up by the elbow) Here you go. (he takes her purse from the floor by her chair and shoves into her arms) In fact, take the rest of the day off.
John is escorting her toward the elevator.
JANICE: (confused and a little scared) I really should just check—
JOHN: Janice, you don’t want to see Watt pissed off, and how would it look if you got fired on your first day? He said he’ll see you tomorrow at 9 AM sharp. (he starts herding her toward the elevator)
John shoves Janice into the elevator where she stands with her coat half on and holding her purse with both hands, looking the most confused yet.
JANICE: But I start work at 7.
John presses the button and the door closes as Janice is still speaking.
JOHN: Alrighty, see ya then.
John goes back over to her desk where her office phone is. Out of the dozen lines, one labels WATT is steady red, on the LCD screen is the number Watt is calling. John jots down the number using a pen and Post-it from Janice’s desk.
JOHN: Mission accepted. I’m coming to save you, boss.
END SCENE
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Hi George, Would you be willing to review my rewrite of scene 2 of QE2? best, Judith
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Review of George’s QE2, 2, rewrite
Hi George, I think you did a good job on this scene. I saw many of the things we were suppose to include.
TRAITS –
JOHN – I saw daring, distrustful, loyal, and loner
Examples for these: Daring: John barges into Watt’s office even when he’s told Fallon isn’t there. He doesn’t know what is on the other side of the door.
Loyal: “Fallon’s the only director the Faction has ever had. He created it. He’d sooner die than retire.”
Distrustful: John ignores Nick offer to take the painting. And he says, “He loved art.” Subtext, why would he leave these behind.
Loner: was implied throughout and in the set up when he was a military expert.
NICK – I saw confident, conniving, and giving
Giving: he was nice to his receptionist
Conniving: his politeness is really trying to connive John.
Confident: he doesn’t overreact when John comes barging into the office.
I didn’t see rebelliousness in this scene on the part of Nick.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES –
You used suspense, mislead/reveal, betrayal, and hope and fear. We were concerned about John’s safety throughout, and when Nick touches his glock.
I think you can use a better transition when you talk about the paintings. It seems to come out of nowhere. You do mention them when John enters, and maybe John could respond to them in some way, a look or something to Foreshadow their importance.
Best, Judith
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Hi, George,
Let’s see if I can identify how you’re using the traits, subtext and interest techniques — and hopefully, dissecting your scene will help me improve my skills.
John: Daring, distrustful, loyal, loner, tricks people into showing their worst side
Nick: Confident, conniving, rebellious, giving – manipulates to take advantage
Situation: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
*****
John’s first 3 lines don’t exhibit any character traits, just exposition, setting the scene. Would it be possible to get some traits in with every question he asks? Tricky to do if it remains a status quo encounter. Maybe he distrusts the receptionist? Is there some way he could make an entrance that’s more daring?
It’s daring for John to go through the door rather than waiting for permission. Given the setting though, it’s the logical way to show him being daring, and anyone might do it — in fact, it’s a scenario we’ve seen a million times (which points to needing a fresh approach).
Nick’s first line: he’s confident that he can handle John.
“It’s her first day” could that be changed to something more conniving?John shows his loyalty to Zane Fallon by refusing to accept that Fallon retired and trying to get information about his whereabouts.
Nick is conniving by gaslighting John, though the hand on the Glock is the only indication that perhaps he’s not forthright.
John doesn’t have any buddies – loner.
Nick offers the painting – giving – though we sense it’s to get rid of John, not because of generosity.
John tricks Janice, but it’s not to get her to show her worst side. I guess it’s gutsy or brash or bullying, but is it daring?
John has a distinctive personality, but overall I would say his traits as you’ve written him are: aggressive, loyal, loner, gutsy. He’s tricky, but not out of distrust. His profession allows for more daring in the script. Maybe a change of location and set-up would allow his daring side to come out. John’s ilk will always be at a disadvantage in a corporate setting. What if he rappelled through the window? (Not with his bad leg). Or climbed down through the panel on the elevator while Nick is riding in it.
Nick is more of a sounding board. His traits seem to be confident and giving, smooth, duplicitous. No sign of rebellious.
The arc of the scene doesn’t lead to a fight.
Interest techniques:
Uncertainty – hope/fear: at several points, like when John’s confrontational, and when we see the Glock (although that threat is immediately diffused.) If you showed the gun earlier, there would be Suspense maintained throughout.
The Glock also gives us Dramatic Irony – we know something the hero doesn’t.
*******
Having listened to Audio 4, I want to try writing a scene that takes the situation and traits to extremes, and try to cram in 7 interest techniques or more. It’s hard to do when you’re trying to make it logical.
For instance, it’s logical that John would seek out Mr. Fallon at the office, but it’s boring. In my scenes, I find that I’m trying to make them “good” rather than pushing the envelope.
Well, we’ll see where we are by the last QE cycle.
Cheers,
KZ
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QE Scene # 2 – Rewritten – (The John and Nick Scene)
Scene Longline – Rivals square off in a cable car ride up a mountain.
Essence – Don’t underestimate your opponent.
EXT. LUCERNE – CAFE – DAY
Colorful awnings shields the basking tourist from the alpine sun. Among the international patrons sits, NICK, 30’s, full on American tourist look. He gives directions to German tourist using a map spread out over their table.
NICK
The Panorama is here. You see, go across the bridge then stay to your right.
Once you pass Alpen Street, make a left on Lowenstrasse and rock and roll, you’re there.
TOURIST
Ya, rok and vroll. You must be American.
NICK
Citizen of the world, my friend.
A MAN walk’s past the cafe weaving through the crowds avoiding bodies like pac-man. This is , JOHN, 40’s, we’ll meet him later. He’s not from here. Tactical jacket, expensive jeans, military hair cut. Nick folds up his map, leaves a big tip on the table then tails John down the street keeping a safe distance.
INT. MT. PILATUS CABLE CAR STATION – LATER – DAY
A cable car filled with tourist silently lifts off the platform on the seven thousand foot climb up the mountain.
A rowdy group Germany and Switzerland soccer hooligans march up the steps. They queue up haphazardly awaiting the next car to arrive. John enters the platform. He makes a bee-line to overlook chairs.
Nick bounds up the stairs two by two. He jumps into the soccer fan fray for no other reason than kick up some shit. He spies John on the overlook without missing a beat.
The car doors swish open. The swarm of soccer fans push onto it. Nick is swept along with them. He fights his way back onto the platform. He finds himself face to face with John. He smiles into the John’s stoic face. He does not smile back.
NICK
Too crowded anyway. Maybe you like to get on?
John ignores the invitation. He side steps away from Nick.
The cable car yanks up the mountain. Another car arrives. An ATTENDANT comes out of the cable car platform office.
ATTENDANT
Last car up the mountain, gentlemen. Enjoy your ride.
Nick bounds onto the car. John enters. He discreetly applies a device over the door latching mechanism. He sits opposite Nick. John’s teeth grind, rippling the muscles in his jaw. The door closes without the familiar CLICK of the lock.
NICK
Can’t avoid me now old boy. You want to switch sides? My view is better.
John looks away as if trying to find an escape route.
NICK
I’m Nick, from Virginia… good old USA.
John speaks with a clipped British accent.
JOHN
My name is not important.,
NICK
I think it’s very important. You see, you and I have something in common. Let’s begin.
We’re going to play, “What’s my line.” You know? Old television show, or as you call it, “The Tele.” I’m going to ask you questions and then I will guess your line of work.
John shifts uneasily in his seat. Outside the window the valley shrinks and the mountain looms.
NICK
Are you involved in foreign affairs?
John inserts ear buds. Dons a pair of shades, folds his arms and rest his head agains the wall.
NICK
Tough crowd. Maybe, “To Tell The Truth” is better game.
Nick moves over next to John and takes off John’s sunglasses. He waves his hand across John’s face. John removes his ear buds. In a flash he’s got Nick’s arm pinned behind his back. He winces in pain.
John jumps to his feet. With one swift move he slides the cable car door open. The mountain air rushes in. He spins Nick around and holds him out by his shirt collar dangling him over the thousand foot drop.
JOHN
Since you’re an annoying American we’re going to play “Let’s Make A Deal.” You tell just who the fuck you are and what you want and I won’t drop you. Sound good, Nicky?
NICK
I’m with the State Department
JOHN
Wrong.
John leans Nick out the door a little further.
NICK
I’m with the FBI.
JOHN
Getting boring. One last try, Nicky.
NICK
Okay, okay. I’m CIA. I’m here to stop you, JOHN, from meeting with your assassin friend at the top of the mountain and you are going to tell me , not him, who the target is. I don’t care who’s paying you. That’s your business. Now please let me in.
John pulls Nick inside and shoves him to the floor. He removes the device he placed on the door latch the closes it.
JOHN
I don’t need to tell you, or the CIA anything. You have no jurisdiction here.
NICK
Legally no. But as you know we operate in more of a gray area. Funny though, that’s what got you thrown out of MI6, wasn’t it, John Sebastian Warburg? You insubordination? Or was it your impulsiveness? Who ever it was you were protecting didn’t deserve your loyalty.
JOHN
Your lack of credible intelligence is astonishing for a Langley man.
NICK
We know enough. Credible or otherwise. We spin the narrative to suit our needs, not yours.
For example, when I look at you I compared you to a lone wolf. You hunt on your own, indiscriminately aloof. Although it must be nice to be free from Sir Richard’s reign.
Nick crawls back into his seat holding his backpack close to his chest.
JOHN
Tell me, why did they send someone like you after someone like me? The way you’re holding on to that rucksack I’d say you more likely to shoot yourself with the Glock 19 hidden in there than kill a poor old bloke like me.
NICK
I doubt it. The safety is on. At least I thought it was when I handed it off to the soccer hooligan in that melee on the platform. You see, John, you never know who your true enemies are and where they will strike. If my man does not see my signal, he’s going to kill you before you take two steps off this car.
The cable car bounces a little from an up draft. John checks the distance to the landing. Not far to go, a third of the way left.
JOHN
That would be a pity. My assassin friend will do the same. Nothing personal, but we must plan for contingencies. Your life in continent upon my living. There in lies the irony of our brief relationship. Tell me, Nick, does my CIA dossier say that I’m a compulsive liar?
NICK
Who would care if you’re dead, John? How about you go ahead with your plan while I go back down the mountain and kill Rachel, that is her name right, Rachel? She staying at Hotel Lucerne, Room 311.
If this upsets John, his stoicism, hides it well.
JOHN
I see in your eyes, Nick, you can’t kill in cold blood. You’re a company man, through and through. Langley pulls your strings, you merely dance like Pinocchio.
NICK
Let’s do this. Whatever you’re being paid for this job, I’ll triple it for the name. That’s enough to get you out of debt and leave a few extra quid for fun. Just be sure it’s the RIGHT name. You double cross me and next time we meet there’ll be ten agents, not just four.
JOHN
There aren’t four agents waiting for me. I wonder. Is this your last mission, fail and you’re out?
NICK
That is the risk you’ll have to take. I’ve been underestimated before. It didn’t end well for the other guy.
JOHN
I’ll take the risk. My assassins know me well a I do them. You don’t play in our world. You play by the book. Too bad really.
NICK
Take the money John. I feel bad for happened to you. I really do. Think of it, just you on a tropical island. No body around for miles. You’ll be in heaven.
John slowly zips and unzips his jacket. This helps him think.
JOHN
Play it out for me.
NICK
The plan is when this cart hit’s the platform a fight is going to break out between the soccer hooligans. Once that fight start’s there’s no turning back. The plan is in motion and you will most likely be dead before you take two steps off of the car.
JOHN
What stops the fight?
NICK
First you tell me the name and then…
Nick goes to open his backpack.
JOHN
Hey, hey! hey! what do you think, I’m daft? Hands off the bag.
NICK
I just wanted to show you the hat. If you tell me the name, I’ll put on a hat. Me wearing the hat signals no fight needed, mission accomplished. Didn’t they teach you that in spy school?
John drums his fingers over the seat. It’s a hundred meters to the station. The airs getting thin, John and Nick’s breaths become heavier. We can see the crowd of soccer revelers line the station’s cafe with pints of ale sloshing in their hands. General revelry in place. Several of them watch the car’s arrival a little more intently.
JOHN
The target’s name is….Archduke Ferdinand.
NICK
I knew you could do it.
Nick shakes John’s hand, slaps him on the back. Retrieves from the backpack a red ball cap with the Swiss Cross across the front. He holds at his side as the cable car glides in to the station.
Simultaneously, as the door begins to open, John snatches the cap out of Nick’s hand. He fixes upon his own head. In a flash the car door opens, John leaps out. He bounds down the stairs quickly out of sight.
Nick and the soccer fans posing as CIA agents aren’t sure what the hell just happened. Situational protocols are still dance around their heads. The confused agents run to Nick.
SOCCER FAN/CIA AGENT
Did you get a name?
NICK
Archduke Ferdinand
SOCCER FAN/CIA AGENT
Sir, are you sure that’s a positive ID?
Nick looks off down the mountain to the small village of Lucerne below. He smirks.
NICK
Yes, I’m sure.
END SCENE.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Edward Lusk.
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Hi Ed, Would you be willing to review the rewrite of QE2 scene 2? best, Judith
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Yes Judith, I will tonight.
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Hi Ed, this is also Ed (and, as we all know, two Eds are better than one)
Anyhow, if I may offer an unsolicited critique, it’s this: Try to sharpen your dialog. I found it a little hard to know exactly what’s going on or where the emphasis lies, for example:
JOHN
“Your lack of credible intelligence is astonishing for a Langley man.”
try:
For a Langley man, your lack of credible intelligence is astonishing.
NICK
“We know enough. Credible or otherwise. We spin the narrative to suit our needs, not yours.
For example, when I look at you I compared you to a lone wolf. You hunt on your own, indiscriminately aloof. Although it must be nice to be free from Sir Richard’s reign.”
Nick crawls back into his seat holding his backpack close to his chest.
try:
We know enough. (That’s it, leave the rest out)
JOHN
“Tell me, why did they send someone like you after someone like me? The way you’re holding on to that rucksack I’d say you more likely to shoot yourself with the Glock 19 hidden in there than kill a poor old bloke like me.”
try:
They really sent someone like you to kill me? The way you’re clutching that rucksack you’re more likely to shoot yourself with that Glock you’re hiding than kill me.
NICK
“I doubt it. The safety is on. At least I thought it was when I handed it off to the soccer hooligan in that melee on the platform. You see, John, you never know who your true enemies are and where they will strike. If my man does not see my signal, he’s going to kill you before you take two steps off this car.”
try:
Pssh! I handed it off on the platform and you didn’t even notice. Furthermore, if my man doesn’t see my signal, you won’t get more than two steps from this car.
The cable car bounces a little from an up draft. John checks the distance to the landing. Not far to go, a third of the way left.
JOHN
“That would be a pity. My assassin friend will do the same. Nothing personal, but we must plan for contingencies. Your life in continent upon my living. There in lies the irony of our brief relationship. Tell me, Nick, does my CIA dossier say that I’m a compulsive liar?”
try:
How interesting. I’ve arranged an identical thing for you. Contingencies and all. Your life depends on mine. Ironic, eh? Can you afford to doubt me?
…and so on
BTW, love that “Eiger Sanction” vibe you’ve developed.
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Thanks Ed, appreciate the feedback. Indeed , clearly written dialogue can only help illustrate the traits & story trying to be presented. A valuable learning I shall take forward. Yes, 1970’s cinema was the best!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Judith’s Scene QE2 – DRAFT 2
Logline: A prisoner gets his just dues.
Essence: Nick knows he deserves his fate.
INT.MANNING PRISON – DAY
NICK,25, his bearded face peers into the visiting room. He saunters in and takes a seat. Sitting behind the glass divider he stares at JOHN,40s, with a quizzical look on his face.
John, no expression, sits, upright, holding the phone. He’s proper looking. He indicates for Nick to pick up his phone.
NICK
Who the fuck are you?
John points at the phone again.
NICK
Not until you tell me who you are.
JOHN
I’m John.
Just then, a funny glow surrounds John. Nick notices and is taken aback.
A scared expression of recognition crosses Nick’s face. He pulls the phone off the hook and places it next to his ear.
NICK
I never believed it. The glow and all that stuff you do. My dad told me about you. You’ve come out of your hole. I was told you never do that.
JOHN
It’s a beautiful day. I decided to carry out my duty.
NICK
Your duty. What are you gonna do in here?
JOHN
I want to know why you killed my father James Monroe, and then I’m going to kill you.
NICK
(he laughs)
Yah…
Nick points at the GAURD. He points at the divider glass.
JOHN
A reason.
NICK
Who sent you?
JOHN
James Monroe.
The glow surrounds John again.
NICK
Wait a minute. He’s dead and buried.
JOHN
Yes…
NICK
How could he…he wasn’t lying.
He looks for the GUARD but he is gone.
NICK
(screaming)
Guard, Guard…
No one comes. He gets up and pounds on the door.
NICK
Guard…guard…
JOHN
I sent him away.
NICK
There’s glass…
John shrugs his shoulders…
NICK
No…
JOHN
Yes…
Nick relaxes. He’s resigned to his fate.
JOHN
My gift. Again why did you kill Dad?
NICK
Our father, James Monroe, was a brute.
JOHN
He was the most wonderful, caring, loving, person in the world. You don’t know what you are talking about. You’re the brute.
NICK
Really, did he tell you about the many times he beat the shit out of me. The many times he burnt me with those damned cigarettes he was always smoked. You, you were great. I was the family beating board.
John slams the phone down. He gets up and paces the room. Nick smiles.
Charging toward the observation window, John stops just in time before he hits it.
He quietly sits down.
NICK
Look, I can see you’re in pain. Dad fooled me too. I thought he was a plumber. Was I surprised at what he was plumbing.
John doesn’t laugh. He waves his hand.
Nick gets a peaceful look on his face as he slowly vaporizes. A puddle of liquid replaces his form.
John waves his hand once more. The light surrounding him flutters as he vanishes.
THE END.
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Hi Judith, good progress on improving your scene. The foreshadowing of John and his special abilities is great. It does not tip us off as to what’s coming rather builds suspense and intrigue as designed.
I’m wondering why do Nick and John not recognize, or know, each other at the opening? Later we learn they have a deep history. The origin of John’s abilities is also left unknown.
You’re doing great with the techniques. I’d concentrate now on building the traits into the character’s dialogue. For example Nick is confident, yet he’s yelling help from the guard. Nick does not have much opportunity to be conniving, as he is alone in prison. Although he’s better at trying to dissuade John now with his background story regarding James. Maybe another character to help with his conspiracies. If Nick is a rebel, I don’t think he’d resign to his fate so easily. Try to build more on these traits.
Better with John’s traits. He’s certainly daring. Getting rid of the guard helps make him more of a loner and shows distrust = two for one! He is loyal to James, also good. His actions are supporting his traits. Try showing even more with his dialogue.
All these trait building lines will build the drama a conflict and reveal more about these interesting characters and situation you’ve built so far. The scene’s becoming more intriguing with the plot, now keeping adding to the characters. They will stand out more and the scene will develop further into a nail bitter! Good luck and please continue improving!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Edward Lusk.
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Hi Ed, thank you so much for your feedback. Will work on my dialogue. Here are my thoughts on your scene which I enjoyed very much.
Hi Ed,
I really like your script. I hope some of this feedback is useful. Best, Judith
Here are my thoughts:
I think you showed the following traits throughout the scene for the characters: for John: loner, loyalty, distrust, and for Nick: confident, conniving.
TRAITS – examples would be –
John – loner trait came through with his unfriendliness and avoiding others. Also, when he says, “My name is not important.”
Loner – He inserts his ear buds.
Loyalty – Nick mentions that John is loyal in dialogue.
Nick –
Conniving – he secretly applies a device over the door. And confidence when he says, “we are going to play, What’s My Line.” And when he’s sure that he got the right name. I got the impression that if it wasn’t right, he will get John later.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES –
Suspense: why are they playing What’s My Line, I wondered. Surprise when John holds Nick out the door and this also was fear.
Hope: with the introduction of the red hat signal.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Thank you for this opportunity, Judith.
A bit of a disclaimer, I am a total newcomer to screenplays, so my critiques lack the insight and experience of the more seasoned screenwriters in this group. But I hope this course helps to improve my critiquing skills along with my writing skills.
Situation and scene arc: John is the good guy and wants to know why Nick killed their father. The idea that Nick was being abused so John wouldn’t be is hard to believe since their age difference is at least 15 years. Maybe them being twins would be a cool idea? I also didn’t understand the part about being a plumber, but I guess that is sort of a reveal about the father.
JOHN’S TRAITS: The only trait I was clear on was his loyalty to his father. You could say he was daring but when you have supernatural powers, that sort of negates daring unless he is actually in danger, but John seems lawless in this scene. I did catch the loner trait but not him being distrustful.
SUBTEXT: I did not clearly see John’s subtext, if Nick killed their father and is in prison, and presumably doesn’t have any supernatural talents, I couldn’t figure out where the tricking of Nick came in. He murdered his own father so Nick has already shown his worst side.
NICK TRAITS: Nick’s confidence and conniving weren’t clear to me. Killing his father is an act of rebellion and Nick taking the abuse for his brother can be seen as giving. Or was Nick lying about the abuse? I couldn’t tell.
SUBTEXT: I did not see how Nick was conniving or how he manipulated anyone to take advantage of them.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES: It was hard for me to discern these techniques, but they may have been too subtle for my novice eyes. I did see BETRAYAL in Nick killing their father and maybe even when John turns Nick into a puddle, and also the way the father betrayed the two sons. SUSPENSE seems hard to pull off in a controlled setting like prison visitation since it is so controlled. The magic was a TWIST and a SURPRISE but it wouldn’t be if the audience already knows John has superpowers from previous scenes. A different setting perhaps or revealing more of the backstory would make this scene more interesting to me. Not sure about the MISLEAD, but the REVEAL of why Nick killed their father is shocking. I didn’t notice any CHARACTER CHANGE or DRAMATIC IRONY, though Nick seems a little manic. Nick does seem to experience some FEAR but no HOPE. I also didn’t see any obvious INTRIGUE.
I think it would be more impactful to set it up a little so we already know about John’s powers OR the reveal of his powers was built up more. I was left with some questions like, did Nick know about John’s powers, was Nick telling the truth about their father, and the one that jumped out at me first was if John had so much power why even bother with the visitation room when those protective barriers didn’t keep Nick safe or impede John from controlling the activity on the other side of the glass. Maybe a different setting would give the characters and scene more freedom to express all these elements.
Thanks for letting me critique and contributing to my new knowledge, sorry my critiquing isn’t more insightful. 🙂
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Hi, Judith,
There’s something interesting at the core of your scene, but this draft seems to discover new facts midway. Writing the first draft of a scene helps you discover what it’s about. The next step is to
rewrite it with that knowledge.Are Nick and John brothers? Neither one of them seems to realize that at first, and after Nick knows, John still seems to be in the dark. If they grew up together, wouldn’t John be aware that Nick had been beaten by their father?
In a full movie, we might have answers to questions that arise, such as what it was that Dad was plumbing. Since this is a contained scene, it would be nice to have that answered. Is it a sexual allusion? I hope not. I hope Dad found a nefarious way to be a plumber (aside from charging too much – LOL).
There are many different approaches that could make your scene stronger.
One way is by having Nick know from the beginning that it’s his brother, that John has supernatural powers, and that he’s in deep trouble. Rather than having the guard mysteriously vanish, what if Nick originally tells the guard he wants to go back to his cell as soon as he sees John, but then John turns the guard into a puddle. This would force Nick to talk to John. And it would also create a lot of suspense in the scene, because we would worry that the same fate would befall Nick.
Lesson 11 in Creative Mastery is about devising character traits in service to the story line. But in this Lesson, we’re doing the opposite: the characters’ traits create the story.
If you look at John and Nick’s given traits, the scene you’ve come up with makes it difficult to show them. For instance, how can Nick be confident when he’s in prison? He might be more confident if he had killed someone and had gotten away with it.
Or if John needs to trick people into showing their worst side, then you might think of a setting where trickery would be needed.
If you want to stay with the prison interview, maybe John is the long-lost-brother that Nick hasn’t seen since childhood (which is why Nick doesn’t recognize him), but John pretends to be Nick’s new lawyer in order to get information from him, and in the process, he hopes to bring out Nick’s worst side. Whereas Nick might connive to get the “lawyer” to do something illegal, like give him money so he can buy contraband cigarettes (and he’s confident that he can do so.) Nick’s interaction with the guard might show his rebellious side. His face might have bruises from his last act of rebellion.
I’m actually finding this technique is a really interesting way of building a plot. I had to keep at hand the Lesson 5, Day 6 “Skill Mastery Sheet for QE Process Part 1.” The most important instruction is: “Before you write: Look at each character and make a list of the kinds of actions they might take and the kinds of things they might say.”
I haven’t been completely successful at it myself, but the process has
great potential, and I hope to get better at it as the course
progresses. Right now, I find myself falling back on my usual way of writing, which is just to intuit characters once I’ve decided on a setting and plot, which is why my characters aren’t exhibiting all the traits, or they exhibit extra traits beyond the ones assigned. More than 4 traits risks turning the character into mush.The process isn’t easy, but I think mastering it could yield interesting results.
Hope this helps, and happy writing!
KZ
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QE2: REWRITE FOR CRITIQUE
LOGLINE: An corrupt older cop meets resistance trying to recruit a younger cop.
ESSENCE: Corruption is a one-way street.
EXT. BOSTON, LOGAN AIRPORT FEDEX TERMINAL, EVENING.
NICK and JOHN are both Boston cops. Nick, 55, med height, cropped gray hair, tough as a $2 steak, and John, 33, ex-Marine, tall, short brown hair, smooth complexion. Nick stands by the open entrance of the FedEx freight processing area. Loaded cargo carts go in and out. John walks up. Both are off-duty and not in uniform.
NICK
Do you got what I asked for or don’t you?
JOHN
Why wouldn’t I?
NICK
Because you’ve been dodging me.
JOHN
Have I?
NICK
All week… you’re dodging me now.
JOHN
I’m right here, so how’s that dodging?
NICK
Because I’m still waiting for what you shoulda brung three days ago. Maybe you ain’t so reliable.
JOHN
Well who “brung” it last time?
NICK
Nunya. Nunya Bidness! (chuckles at his clever answer)
JOHN
Sorry, did I violate some sort of unwritten dirty cop code?
NICK
Don’t piss me off! If I’m dirty you’re dirty! Hell, how’s pickin’ up a buck or two on the side to keep things runnin’ smooth make ya dirty? You know the City don’t pay us enough. Look, kid, I vouched for you, and you been stallin’ too long. It’s time you get in. You wanna marry that cute girlfriend of yours someday, right? Maybe get a two-decker in Southie? Have a couple kids and all that happy family crap? Takes money…
Nick lets fly a string of profanity, stops, regains his composure, and gives a quick wave to something behind John. Then fixes his cold blue eyes on John and speaks in a tone that’s a perfect combination of inviting and menacing.
NICK
Johnny boy, jump in, the water’s fine… we’ll even throw in a extra special signup bonus for ya!
An electric luggage cart pauses beside Nick. Nothing in the back but a briefcase. Nick takes it and the cart drives off. Nick places it gently it on the ground.
NICK
This is yours, pal. All yours.
John reaches into his jacket, starts to remove an envelope, then stops halfway.
JOHN
It was Bud, wasn’t it? He was the guy what “brung” it last time.
NICK
Wrong-o Tonto, he’s as bad as you. Worse even. Damn Boy Scout. It was Dennis. Member when he was out with the Covid? Weren’t Covid, he was fakin’ it. Ran a few errands though and made some e-a-s-y money. Wicked easy.
Nick softens his tone a smidge more.
NICK
You can too, pal, you can too! (beckons with a hand-it-over gesture) C’mon, give it…
JOHN
I’ll give it alright.
John stuffs the envelope firmly back in his pocket with finality and Nick realizes he’s been had. He jumps back and draws his Glock from a shoulder holster. John anticipated this and manages to knock the gun from his hand – barely – and the fight is on. Punches and kicks are thrown, but none decisive. Suddenly blue lights flash over the fighters. We hear brakes, car doors slam and footsteps running.
FADE TO: FBI OFFICE, BOSTON
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Ed Preston.
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Ed, my notes on your scene…
-JOHN
Traits
– Daring
– Distrustful
– Loyal
– Loner
Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them
into showing their worst side.
NICK
Traits
– Confident
– Conniving
– Rebellious
– Giving
Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people
into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.
Good scene, I like the contemporary feel and the banter back and forth with your characters. It’s a bit rushed, but intriguing as to what is going to unfold given Nick’s first line.
Interest techniques I see; Suspense, what’s going to happen, intrigue – the setting, change in character – John, Hope/Fear – could be better played out with added cat and mouse games played with N & J. You could add dramatic irony, superior view, if we knew the cops were laying in wait/hiding at the beginning of the scene. We start to get the vibe who is setting up who. If this open question is developed further it would help the scene with bigger set up & reveals.
With traits…
By isolating the character’s dialogue (below) we can see how well the lines deliver on traits. In your scene Nick has about ten lines of dialogue and John has seven. Nick appears to have better example of showing his traits than John. Perhaps with beefing up John’s lines and adding more dialogue his traits will become more apparent.
By elevating John’s resistance and raising the stakes, who’s playing who? The traits will naturally come on stronger. Think about how you can take the situation from, join the corrupt cops club, to something even worse.
NICK’S LINES:
NICK
Do you got what I asked for, or don’t you? – Shows conniving, technique – intrigue , what’s asked for? Undetermined if he asked in confidence or not. No signs of rebel or giving.
NICK
Because you’ve been dodging me.- a statement of fact. Shows confidence. For John, could show being a loner, as he’s dodging others.
NICK
All week… you’re dodging me now. – a repeated statement of fact. Shows confidence , again John dodging, could be because of “distrustful” or other reasons for avoiding.
NICK
Because I’m still waiting for what you shoulda brung three days ago. Maybe you ain’t so reliable. – shows a patience trait, not on the list but okay, distrustful of John – his trait.
NICK
Nunya. Nunya Bidness! (chuckles at his clever answer) Rebellious? Maybe , it’s a stretch, it shows a sense of humor.
NICK
Don’t piss me off! If I’m dirty you’re dirty! Hell, how’s pickin’ up a buck or two on the side to keep things runnin’ smooth make ya dirty? You know the City don’t pay us enough. Look, kid, I vouched for you, and you been stallin’ too long. It’s time you get in. You wanna marry that cute girlfriend of yours someday, right? Maybe get a two-decker in Southie? Have a couple kids and all that happy family crap? Takes money…
Looks like Nick’s giving trait has emerged here. Getting John into the racket. Although criminal, still a generous act. Stating he’s a dirty cop, does that show rebelliousness? Show’s he’s corrupt at the very least.
NICK
Johnny boy, jump in, the water’s fine… we’ll even throw in a extra special signup bonus for ya! – Back to being giving. Also confident. Some conniving because it is “we’ll even throw…” meaning accomplices involved. Good!
NICK
This is yours, pal. All yours – giving again
NICK
Wrong-o Tonto, he’s as bad as you. Worse even. Damn Boy Scout. It was Dennis. Member when he was out with the Covid? Weren’t Covid, he was fakin’ it. Ran a few errands though and made some e-a-s-y money. Wicked easy.
Revealing a scheme – conniving trait, although someone else’s scheme bit shows the people he associates with.
NICK
You can too, pal, you can too! (beckons with a hand-it-over gesture) C’mon, give it…
-confidence, or trust shown , more so in John. Indirectly then belonging to Nick.
JOHN’s LINES:
JOHN
Why wouldn’t I? = Distrustful
JOHN
Have I? Distrustful again with vagueness.
JOHN
I’m right here, so how’s that dodging? Loner trait, and loyal, as he making good on appearing.
JOHN
Well who “brung” it last time? A “curious” trait, perhaps. Not getting additional John’s traits here.
JOHN
Sorry, did I violate some sort of unwritten dirty cop code? Could be, Daring, violating a code. Could also be, naive, or playing it.
JOHN
It was Bud, wasn’t it? He was the guy what “brung” it last time. Figured something out but not getting John traits here
JOHN
I’ll give it alright. – could be daring as the action that follows starts the fight and the bust.
JOHN – Subtext – John does eventually trick Nick, thus holding true to his subtext. Through his questioning of who else is involved got Nick to loose his temper and rat other out. Mission accomplished there!
NICK – Subtext – yes, conniving , set up a pay off racket, for what we don’t know, but other’s are involved. He uses a “sales pitch” manipulation on how John can get ahead, as a cop salary won’t cut it. If John’s worse side is being a snitch, then Nick, got what he wanted manipulating him into a bad spot.
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Hi Ed,
Would you be willing to exchange feedback on our QE 2 Re-written Scenes? Mine comes up under Sandra’s below.
Thanks!
Maureen
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Hi Ed,
Can we exchange feedback. Mine is one or two below here.
Many thanks
Maureen
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Sandra’s QE Cycle #2 – Rewrite for Critique
LOGLINE: Tempers flare between a conniving horse owner and a distrustful horse trainer when an abandoned baby shows up.
ESSENCE: The baby brings out the worst and the best in both men. Both men’s lives are about to be changed.
SCENE: INT. RANCH HOUSE – DAY
Older worn ranch style house off a dirt road in the country on acreage with a large barn and covered horse arena. Sunny day. Quiet and peaceful.
JOHN (30’s) dark hair and slender. Tanned, weathered face makes him look much older than his age. He sits alone at a desk in his small sparsely furnished bedroom, takes a bite of a sandwich. Glances at two framed pictures on the wall: one of him younger approaching an angry wild horse rearing up on its hind legs, and one of him older with a grown horse. A blue ribbon hangs on the last picture.
The silence is suddenly broken by a noisy Harley Davidson motorcycle. John turns to look out the window towards the barn and covered horse arena, and sees a cloud of dust coming towards the house.
The Harley is ridden by helmetless, NICK, (40’s) stocky build, tough looking with red hair, who recklessly speeds around the house and parks it on the side of the house. Backdoor opens and slams shut.
A few minutes later.
NICK (O.S.): (yells) John come here …I need your help NOW..
John hurries down the hall and sees Nick in the bathroom, wearing a “Born to be Wild” t-shirt. Nick has the sink full of water, and a BABY (4-6 months), dressed in a white dress, is almost completely submerged in the water.
JOHN: Man, what are you doing? You’re going to drown that baby.
John thrusts his arms in the water and sits the baby up in the sink.
NICK: (confidently) You can do this…I need to take care of Saddie.
Nick dries his hands on a towel and dashes down the hall. Pictures of horses line the hall walls.
Baby slides down in the water.
John reaches down in the dirty water to open the drain.
JOHN: (yells) Whose baby is this?
Silence. John looks around.
JOHN: Does it have any more clothes?
No answer.
JOHN: (yells) Are there any diapers?
More silence.
John removes the dress and tosses it in the bathtub. Makes a face as he throws the dirty diaper in the garbage can. Takes a washcloth and cleans the baby up. John grabs a towel, lays the baby on top of the towel on the counter.
The baby wiggles and starts to roll off the counter. John grabs it just in time.
John takes another washcloth to use as a diaper and fastens it with tape found in the medicine cabinet. Cuts two holes in a shower cap for the legs and places it over the diaper. Wraps the baby in a bath towel, and walks down the hall to the kitchen.
Nick in the kitchen, feeds SADDIE (40) his invalid wife who is confined to a wheelchair.
JOHN: What do you want me to do with this baby?
NICK: (gruffly) I don’t care … it’s yours.
JOHN: I’m a horse trainer. I didn’t sign up for this.
NICK: I know you go where Olympus goes… you’re loyal to the horse.
JOHN: Horses can be trusted.
NICK: You should have thought of that before.
JOHN: What do you mean?
NICK: I have my hands full with the ranch and Saddie, I can’t take care of your baby too.
JOHN: It’s not my baby.
NICK: That’s not what the note says.
Nick points to a basket on the counter.
John places the baby in the basket and reads the note.
JOHN: You believe this? There’s no proof. I keep to myself.
NICK: So, are you a virgin or gay?
JOHN: No… you or someone is trying to frame me.
NICK: You were nothing but a drunk when I took you in. Maybe you don’t remember who you slept with.
John examines the note more closely.
JOHN: It looks like someone else wrote my name on this note. Saddie’s been a vegetable for five years? Maybe you weren’t faithful.
NICK: (angry) Don’t try to blame me. I’ve given you a great opportunity to work with champion horses and free room and board.
JOHN: It’s a good thing you never had children or did you drown them?
NICK: You have no… don’t you dare talk to me like that.
Nick attacks John. The baby bawls at the top of her lungs.
FADE OUT
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Hi Sandra,
Would you be willing to exchange feedback on our QE Scene two rewritten scenes? My comes up right behind yours here.
Thanks!
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That would be great.
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Hi Sandra,
Can we exchange feedback. Mine is right behind yours below.
Thanks so much,
Maureen
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Hi Sandra,
I absolutely love your scene and the delightful, very human characters. I really get a sense of the place and their lives. I particularly love the humor, which comes so much out of the characters you have created. You really have taken on the challenge of developing characters out of the given traits in a wonderful way.
I have a few notes below.
Great set up and description in the opening lines. One very small thing: I would think about dropping ‘in the country’ because we already get the sense that it’s in the country so it seems redundant. Or you could say ‘off a dirt country road’ if you felt you needed it. The image you present is so authentic, I just think you want to be as concise and clean as possible.
John’s Description paragraph: Great sense of John and his loner life here. The pictures on the wall are a nice touch to add daring. I just found myself wanting to know just how old John is in the first picture. I read it as a young man in his twenties, but I think it would go much further and actually scream ‘daring’ if he were still a boy. Just a thought. It would also help clear up what the audience is looking at. It is much harder to pick out two different ages of an adult man who is only in his 30’s in a photo. So overall, I think an adolescent or young teen is a better choice.
You’ve gotten all the traits in pretty solidly. John’s daring and loner are already introduced in his opening description and images and are carried through. His distrust is integral to the story development, and his loyalty is mentioned with the horse. Nick’s confidence is pretty clear, he’s obviously a rebellious sort, and he’s loyal to his wife, even in her state, which is amazing and admirable. His conniving I’ll talk about a bit below.
To take things in order- I love John’s interaction with the Baby- it’s priceless and funny. I do have a few questions about the Baby and the bath…. Why is the water dirty? Was the Baby so dirty that Nick had to put her in the water with such urgency? Is putting him into the water part of a ploy to get John to take care of her? If it is part of a ploy, ( which is hinted at later when John discovers the different writing of his name, and accuses Nick of fathering the child himself) then I think that the ploy, along with stronger evidence of Nick’s ‘conniving’, could use more development.
Here’s the biggest thing for me in an otherwise perfect (to me) piece. I don’t get a complete feeling of something having resolved itself. The arc of the story (The Good Guy has the Info) doesn’t come across fully enough, and the story seems to stop prematurely. Sure, John discovers the other handwriting on the note, but he could be just using that to get out of admitting he could be the father.The audience only knows about the writing from John’s assertion. There is no evidence for the audience to conclude that Nick is actually the father and he’s been playing John all along (conniving). You could just do something simple and put in a few shots and additional lines of dialogue to emphasize his duplicity (shot of the note/ shot of his guilty face when John accuses him of cheating on Saddie, which he quickly covers with anger, but not before John sees it. ) But I think you really have a great opportunity here to take this situation, and these wonderful characters further. Which is something I would like to see because, as a reader, I’m not really ready to let these characters finish with me. I want more from them. You’ve only got about 2.5 pages, so you have room to play. I’d love to see the fight happen (maybe with the same type of humor as you brought to the John/Baby bathroom scene) and end up with them either collapsing into laugher in each others arms, or just dropping with exhaustion and giving up – and have Nick admit that he was trying to scam John, and the baby is probably his, and John admit it could be his, he was drinking a lot before NIck took him in. They decide to raise the baby together, and look to a silent Saddie to seal the deal. This would solidify Nick’s ‘conniving’ in a big way, but at the same time, take them to a different place with each other. John could show loyalty to the man who was generous enough to take him in when he needed it.
Anyway, just some thoughts. Hope some of it is helpful. Great work! Looking forward to your next Scene.
All the best,
Maureen
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Maureen,
Thank you so much for your kind feedback. Your comments and suggestions are very helpful.
Have a great weekend!
Sandra
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Maureen’s Scene 2 Rewritten for Feedback:
Logline: Two old friends play cat and mouse when they find themselves on opposite sides of a case.
Essence: A Man reminds his friend of his true values.
——-
INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Well dressed and High Powered Attorney, JOHN KENT, sits alone pouring over court filings and other paperwork, making notes.
INT. ADJOURNING ROOM
NICK DICILLO, Prosecutor, on the other side of a one way glass, studies John closely.
FOOTSTEPS approach. District Attorney, ALLEN CRENSHAW, stands slightly behind Nick and watches John through the glass.
CRENSHAW
This is a curve.
NICK
I can handle it.
CRENSHAW
Can you?
NICK
I know his weaknesses.
CRENSHAW
He knows yours.
NICK
Don’t even think about taking me off this case, Allen. Thanks to you, I’ve got too much at stake here.
Crenshaw looks him over. Nods. Nick steps past him and into
INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
John looks up as the door opens and Nick walks in with a big smile, and makes a show of closing the curtain in front of the two way glass as he talks.
NICK
Well, well. Who have we here? The famous John Kent, Attorney at Law. Big fish parachuting once again into a small pond.
JOHN
It’s been a while, Nick. Are you just here to needle me, or is this your case?
Nick shuts off the mic between the rooms.
NICK
You can cut the crap, Johnny. I think you know it’s my case.
JOHN
Guilty.
NICK
So why are you here?
JOHN
To defend my client.
Nick sits down and crosses his arms, studying John.
NICK
Yeah, see that’s what I don’t get. ~Why this client? I don’t see anything in this for you.
JOHN
I have my reasons. Primary among them is that she’s innocent.
Nick laughs.
NICK
Really? That must be a first for you. I mean, if it were true, which it’s not.
John shrugs amicably.
JOHN
Come-on, Nick. You’ve got nothing. Janet Maynard is a 60 year old woman trying to do her job. Look at your own State Laws. Nothing she’s done could even remotely be deemed wrongdoing.
Nick picks up the charge documents with a calculated chuckle.
NICK
No wrongdoing, huh? Here are five felonies she’s committed ‘just doing her job.’ So says a Grand Jury.
JOHN
The Grand Jury was a lousy rubber stamp. You and Crenshaw set the bar so low they had no choice but to indict.
NICK
Sometimes that’s how it works, Councilor. Or have you forgotten?
John studies Nick’s face, looking for something.
JOHN
I see you still haven’t.
NICK
Not likely.
John shrugs.
JOHN
So, you’re right. I’ve used my share of dirty tricks. That was me. It was how I operated. And it cost me.
(meeting Nick’s eyes)
But it was never you.
NICK
Please spare me the pandering.
JOHN
What happened, Nick? Where did all those big ideals go? You and Alyssa were going to change the world.
NICK
The world didn’t want changing. And Alyssa… Lyssa went home to you every night, so…
JOHN
She left me eventually.
NICK
The scales pealed from her eyes, I guess.
JOHN
Yea. Mine too, ironically. I’m not built for relationships. I push people away.
Beat. Nick loosens his tie.
NICK
Ok, this somewhat maudlin trip down Memory Lane isn’t getting us anywhere. My advice to you is to get on the next plane back to your cushy life. Believe me, this case isn’t going to go well for you or the defendant.
JOHN
You’ve already got it all tied up in a tidy bow, do you? Convenient.
NICK
I’m trying to do you a favor here, Johnny. This is a local issue. Leave it to us. It’s out of your wheelhouse.
JOHN
(ignoring him)
You know, on the way over here I was thinking about the last time I was in town. We had lunch.
NICK
Can we just stick to the case?
JOHN
You were full of piss and vinegar that day. You bored me to tears about how you loved your job… Sure, about the bad guys you put away, but mostly you talked about the victims. Getting them justice. How that’s what made the job worthwhile.
NICK
It still is.
JOHN
Is it? You know what else I remember from that day? Crenshaw had been elected about 6 months before, and you were not happy. Something stunk, you said, and you were going to get to the bottom of it.
NICK
Yeah. Big talk. Nothing there.
JOHN
Come-on, Nick. That stink didn’t just go away, did it?
NICK
Crickets. It was all in my head.
JOHN
Was it? Janet Maynard is an innocent woman. A brave woman. She smelled that same stink, and she did something about it.
NICK
Yeah. Something illegal. No one’s innocent these days, John. You know that as well as I do.
JOHN
No, Nick. I don’t. I think your brain has gotten muddied up. I think either you can’t see what’s right in front of your face, or you’re mixed up in it.
Nick spins at John, enraged.
NICK
(yelling)
WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE-
(Tosses the chair between them across the room, moves closer)
-COMING IN HERE LIKE SOME KIND OF MISGUIDED CRUSADER. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE!!
The Court Guard comes in, concerned.
NICK
WE’RE FINE! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
The guard exits. Nick struggles to collect himself.
NICK
What the hell are you trying to do?
JOHN
I’m trying to get justice for my client.
NICK
By implying corruption in the DA’s office? Not a good tactic.
JOHN
No. Not if I were appealing to a man like Crenshaw… But I’m not. I’m appealing to you.
NICK
To me?
JOHN
Yeah. Alysse called and asked me-
Nick turns and glares at John.
NICK
You really are a slime! Dragging Lyssa into this just to get to me. ~
John steps back and examines Nick’s face, seemingly stunned.
JOHN
You actually haven’t done your homework, have you? I didn’t have to drag Lyssie into this. She’s all in. That’s her Aunt your corrupt department is setting up.
NICK
What?
JOHN
Yeah. Her Aunt whose house she slept in as a kid, whose kids she played with, who she loves.
(watching Nick closely)
You know, she was so happy when she heard you were prosecuting this case.
NICK
Why?
JOHN
Look at it from her point of view. She loves you both. And she knows two things- her Aunt is innocent, and you are an honorable man who respects the truth.
He picks up the overturned chair and sits in it.
JOHN
…Of course, she doesn’t know that things have changed for you. Does she?
Nick turns away and looks out the window.
JOHN
Janet Maynard confided in Alyssa through it all. Lessie was her sounding board. She knows every step her Aunt took, and why.
John gathers his things.
JOHN
There’s no doubt this is a political lynching, Nick. The only question is what are you going to do about it.
The door opens and Crenshaw comes in.
CRENSHAW
What the hell’s going on here? The guard said there was trouble.
JOHN
We’re good, Mr District Attorney. We’re just finishing up.
Crenshaw ignores John and addresses Nick, still at the window.
CRENSHAW
Nick? What’s going on?
Nick turns from the window and moves to the table, without acknowledging Crenshaw. He pulls a piece of paper out of a pile, and writes something on it.
CRENSHAW
I’m talking to you, Nick. Have you got something to say to me?
NICK
Yes, I do. My friend, John, here, has brought me some clarity. This place stinks to high heaven and I need to get the whiff off me. So… I quit. Effective immediately.
(handing the paper to John)
Here. You’d better give this to him yourself.
John looks down at the paper as Nick walks toward the door.
JOHN
It’ll be a pleasure.
CRENSHAW
You can’t quit.
NICK
Of course I can. I just did.
John hands Crenshaw the paper.
JOHN
It appears I have a new witness for the defense.
CRENSHAW
(to Nick)
You’ll loose your license over this. I’ll make sure of it. We’ll never let you testify.
NICK
Maybe, not, but we’ll have a good fight. Won’t we, John?
JOHN
Without a doubt, my friend. Without a doubt.
They walk out together.
Crenshaw stands stunned for a moment, then lets out a LONG EXPLETIVE OF PRIMAL RAGE.
-
Maureen’s Rewritten Scene for Critique:
Logline: Two Attorneys, Old friends, play cat and mouse when they find themselves on opposite sides of a case.
Essence: A Man reminds an old friend of his true values.
INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Well dressed and High Powered Attorney, JOHN KENT, sits alone pouring over court filings and other paperwork, making notes.
INT. ADJOURNING ROOM
NICK DICILLO, Prosecutor, on the other side of a one way glass, studies John closely.
FOOTSTEPS approach. District Attorney, ALLEN CRENSHAW, stands slightly behind Nick and watches John through the glass.
CRENSHAW
This is a curve.
NICK
I can handle it.
CRENSHAW
Can you?
NICK
I know his weaknesses.
CRENSHAW
He knows yours.
NICK
Don’t even think about taking me off this case, Allen. Thanks to you, I’ve got too much at stake here.
Crenshaw looks him over. Nods. Nick steps past him and into
INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
John looks up as the door opens and Nick walks in with a big smile, and makes a show of closing the curtain in front of the two way glass as he talks.
NICK
Well, well. Who have we here? The famous John Kent, Attorney at Law. Big fish parachuting once again into a small pond.
JOHN
It’s been a while, Nick. Are you just here to needle me, or is this your case?
Nick shuts off the mic between the rooms.
NICK
You can cut the crap, Johnny. I think you know it’s my case.
JOHN
Guilty.
NICK
So why are you here?
JOHN
To defend my client.
Nick sits down and crosses his arms, studying John.
NICK
Yeah, see that’s what I don’t get. ~Why this client? I don’t see anything in this for you.
JOHN
I have my reasons. Primary among them is that she’s innocent.
Nick laughs.
NICK
Really? That must be a first for you. I mean, if it were true, which it’s not.
John shrugs amicably.
JOHN
Come-on, Nick. You’ve got nothing. Janet Maynard is a 60 year old woman trying to do her job. Look at your own State Laws. Nothing she’s done could even remotely be deemed wrongdoing.
Nick picks up the charge documents with a calculated chuckle.
NICK
No wrongdoing, huh? Here are five felonies she’s committed ‘just doing her job.’ So says a Grand Jury.
JOHN
The Grand Jury was a lousy rubber stamp. You and Crenshaw set the bar so low they had no choice but to indict.
NICK
Sometimes that’s how it works, Councilor. Or have you forgotten?
John studies Nick’s face, looking for something.
JOHN
I see you still haven’t.
NICK
Not likely.
John shrugs.
JOHN
So, you’re right. I’ve used my share of dirty tricks. That was me. It was how I operated. And it cost me.
(meeting Nick’s eyes)
But it was never you.
NICK
Please spare me the pandering.
JOHN
What happened, Nick? Where did all those big ideals go? You and Alyssa were going to change the world.
NICK
The world didn’t want changing. And Alyssa… Lyssa went home to you every night, so…
JOHN
She left me eventually.
NICK
The scales pealed from her eyes, I guess.
JOHN
Yea. Mine too, ironically. I’m not built for relationships. I push people away.
Beat. Nick loosens his tie.
NICK
Ok, this somewhat maudlin trip down Memory Lane isn’t getting us anywhere. My advice to you is to get on the next plane back to your cushy life. Believe me, this case isn’t going to go well for you or the defendant.
JOHN
You’ve already got it all tied up in a tidy bow, do you? Convenient.
NICK
I’m trying to do you a favor here, Johnny. This is a local issue. Leave it to us. It’s out of your wheelhouse.
JOHN
(ignoring him)
You know, on the way over here I was thinking about the last time I was in town. We had lunch.
NICK
Can we just stick to the case?
JOHN
You were full of piss and vinegar that day. You bored me to tears about how you loved your job… Sure, about the bad guys you put away, but mostly you talked about the victims. Getting them justice. How that’s what made the job worthwhile.
NICK
It still is.
JOHN
Is it? You know what else I remember from that day? Crenshaw had been elected about 6 months before, and you were not happy. Something stunk, you said, and you were going to get to the bottom of it.
NICK
Yeah. Big talk. Nothing there.
JOHN
Come-on, Nick. That stink didn’t just go away, did it?
NICK
Crickets. It was all in my head.
JOHN
Was it? Janet Maynard is an innocent woman. A brave woman. She smelled that same stink, and she did something about it.
NICK
Yeah. Something illegal. No one’s innocent these days, John. You know that as well as I do.
JOHN
No, Nick. I don’t. I think your brain has gotten muddied up. I think either you can’t see what’s right in front of your face, or you’re mixed up in it.
Nick spins at John, enraged.
NICK
(yelling)
WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE-
(Tosses the chair between them across the room, moves closer)
-COMING IN HERE LIKE SOME KIND OF MISGUIDED CRUSADER. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE!!
The Court Guard comes in, concerned.
NICK
WE’RE FINE! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
The guard exits. Nick struggles to collect himself.
NICK
What the hell are you trying to do?
JOHN
I’m trying to get justice for my client.
NICK
By implying corruption in the DA’s office? Not a good tactic.
JOHN
No. Not if I were appealing to a man like Crenshaw… But I’m not. I’m appealing to you.
NICK
To me?
JOHN
Yeah. Alysse called and asked me-
Nick turns and glares at John.
NICK
You really are a slime! Dragging Lyssa into this just to get to me. ~
John steps back and examines Nick’s face, seemingly stunned.
JOHN
You actually haven’t done your homework, have you? I didn’t have to drag Lyssie into this. She’s all in. That’s her Aunt your corrupt department is setting up.
NICK
What?
JOHN
Yeah. Her Aunt whose house she slept in as a kid, whose kids she played with, who she loves.
(watching Nick closely)
You know, she was so happy when she heard you were prosecuting this case.
NICK
Why?
JOHN
Look at it from her point of view. She loves you both. And she knows two things- her Aunt is innocent, and you are an honorable man who respects the truth.
He picks up the overturned chair and sits in it.
JOHN
…Of course, she doesn’t know that things have changed for you. Does she?
Nick turns away and looks out the window.
JOHN
Janet Maynard confided in Alyssa through it all. Lessie was her sounding board. She knows every step her Aunt took, and why.
John gathers his things.
JOHN
There’s no doubt this is a political lynching, Nick. The only question is what are you going to do about it.
The door opens and Crenshaw comes in.
CRENSHAW
What the hell’s going on here? The guard said there was trouble.
JOHN
We’re good, Mr District Attorney. We’re just finishing up.
Crenshaw ignores John and addresses Nick, still at the window.
CRENSHAW
Nick? What’s going on?
Nick turns from the window and moves to the table, without acknowledging Crenshaw. He pulls a piece of paper out of a pile, and writes something on it.
CRENSHAW
I’m talking to you, Nick. Have you got something to say to me?
NICK
Yes, I do. My friend, John, here, has brought me some clarity. This place stinks to high heaven and I need to get the whiff off me. So… I quit. Effective immediately.
(handing the paper to John)
Here. You’d better give this to him yourself.
John looks down at the paper as Nick walks toward the door.
JOHN
It’ll be a pleasure.
CRENSHAW
You can’t quit.
NICK
Of course I can. I just did.
John hands Crenshaw the paper.
JOHN
It appears I have a new witness for the defense.
CRENSHAW
(to Nick)
You’ll loose your license over this. I’ll make sure of it. We’ll never let you testify.
NICK
Maybe, not, but we’ll have a good fight. Won’t we, John?
JOHN
Without a doubt, my friend. Without a doubt.
They walk out together.
Crenshaw stands stunned for a moment, then lets out a LONG EXPLETIVE OF PRIMAL RAGE.
-
Hi Maureen,
Thank you for wanting to exchange feedback.
Great story and interesting setting. I could easily see how you used all of John’s character traits. Nick’s confident and conniving traits were strong, however his rebellious and giving traits seemed weak. Nick could be more rebellious in his actions in the beginning by tossing some of John’s papers on the floor and later before the face-off. I was a little confused with the location as attorneys aren’t usually in interview rooms with a two-way mirror (client- attorney privilege or confidentiality).
Good display of both character’s subtext. The interest techniques I noticed were betrayal, surprise, and a major twist. Possible ways to elevate this scene would be to include more of the interest techniques, especially uncertainty. Adding more hope/fear would increase the tension between John and Nick and keep the audience engaged wondering what would happen next. Escalate the actions and emotions of both characters. Go to the extreme. If Nick is confident and rebellious, I think he would hand his resignation directly to his boss, rather than to John.
Great job! Hope some of my suggestions are helpful.
Sandra
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Hi Sandra,
Thanks so much for your feedback and your very helpful suggestions.
Best,
Maureen
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Hi Maureen,
Excellent work with your scene! I thought you did an excellent job nailing the essence.
The dialogue was also great. The characters were challenging each other all the way though and it was exciting to read. And although it’s mostly a talking heads scene, I think you did a good job of adding a few actions for each character that display their traits as well.
In the opening exchange between Nick and Crenshaw, could the reason that Crenshaw can’t take Nick off of the case be that he has too much at stake because Nick has made it that way?
Example:
NICK
Don’t even think about taking me off this case, Allen.
CRENSHAW
You think there’s too much at stake for us?
NICK
No, not me…
Something like that that implies Nick has manipulated Crenshaw into a bad spot.
You did a great job with the character traits in their actions and dialogue throughout.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES
Suspense – How is this face off going to turn out?
Major twist. – Nick’s ex girlfriend is involved in the case and is on John’s side.
Nick quits working for CrenshawSurprise – Nick learns that Alyssa is involved.
Put in a More Interesting Setting – An interrogation room is a good setting. Could you put it somewhere else with a time limit? Nick jumping into John’s car, or an elevator ride with just a few floors to convince him? Or walking into the courtroom?
Mislead / Reveal – Alyssa has nothing to do with this / Her aunt is on trial
Janet is guilty / Janet’s trial is a political lynching
Character changes radically – Nick flipping out and throwing the chair.
Nick joining John’s side at the end of the scene.Betrayal. – Nick betrays Crenshaw.
Alyssa is helping John behind Nick’s back.Nick also turns off the microphone and closes the curtains at the start of the scene. What if he does it later when John starts to turn him? And what would Crenshaw’s reaction be to seeing Nick cut him out of the conversation at that point? I think it gives him a stronger reason to storm in looking for answers.
Superior Position / Dramatic Irony –
We know something that the characters don’t know and it is even more powerful if the part they don’t know causes them to go in the opposite direction they should.
Uncertainty — hope / fear – Nick and John know each other’s weaknesses.
Intrigue – What is the relationship between Nick and John?
Who is Alyssa?
Great job with this scene! It was fun to read and learn from it!
Amechi
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LOGLINE: Nick has hit John’s car with his truck, meaning John will miss his soccer game.
ESSENCE: Nick is trying stop John from beating his brother’s team in a soccer game.
SCENE:
AN AMBER LIGHT BLINKS.
A HAZARD LIGHT on a car…
A RED MUSTANG with it’s front caved in against a tree.
The driver’s door flops open. Out jumps JOHN, 17, athletic build, wearing a soccer uniform.
John rubs his sore neck and looks over his destroyed car. He touches it like it’s a dying friend.
He turns seeing a TRICKED OUT TRUCK in the middle of the intersection. The driver’s side headlight has been obliterated.
MAN (O.C.)
Are you okay, son?
John sees a MAN with a dog on a lead coming towards him, concern on his face.
JOHN
What’s it to you?
MAN
Whoa buddy. Just trying to help. You got anyone you can call?
John pushes past the man and storms towards the truck in the intersection.
MAN WITH DOG
Look out!
John marches into the street as
HOOONNNKKKK! A car skids to a stop feet from him. The driver goes ballistic. John ignores him, eyes on the truck ahead.
MAN WITH DOG
You gotta be careful!
John ignores him. Heading for the truck. The man with the dog pulls out his cell phone and dials 9-1-1.
AT THE REAR OF THE TRUCK
NICK, 19, cut off t-shirt, sandals. A brash guy who is surrounded by a trio of 17 year old boys, including FRANK, who is dressed in a soccer uniform (different to John’s) and looks nervous.
FRANK
I don’t wanna lie…
NICK
Relax. It’s gonna work.
FRANK
But everyone knows no one else drives your truck. I don’t wanna lie to the police—
Nick opens his wallet and whips out some cash. He doesn’t even count it, just stuffs the bills into Frank’s palm.
NICK
That should be enough to convince you to let me do the talking.
(Noticing John coming their way)
Shut up. He’s coming.
Frank looks from the money to John, storming towards them.
Nick, calm, waves at John.
NICK
You okay man? We didn’t see you coming.
JOHN
I had the green light.
NICK
Nah, Frank did. Didn’t you Frank?
Frank gives a small nod. John keeps his eyes on Nick.
JOHN
(To Frank)
You were driving?
Frank nods. John is still eyeing Nick.
JOHN
You wrecked my car. That was my dad’s.
NICK
We saw you run the light. All of us saw it, right guys?
Nick looks to the other guys. Frank, hands in his pockets, just nods again.
NICK
So it’s really your fault. But we don’t have to get the police involved.
JOHN
I trust you less than I trust the police.
John rubs his neck again. Frank just watches traffic go by, driver’s rubbernecking as they pass.
JOHN
(To Frank)
You’re sure you were driving?
NICK
You’re not faking a neck injury, are you?
JOHN
Depends. Are you faking being a passenger?
NICK
Frank was—
JOHN
And that you didn’t cut me off on purpose?
FRANK
It was my fault…
John rolls his eyes.
NICK
You heard the man. He’s hurting too.
Nick gives Frank a pat on the back.
JOHN
I guess we’ll wait for the cops then. Do you have your license?
Frank blushes.
NICK
We can settle this without them.
Nick pulls out his wallet again.
JOHN
I need to go. My team is waiting for me.
NICK
I thought you didn’t have any friends.
JOHN
I’m not going to miss my game.
NICK
(Pointing to the other guys)
These guys are playing against you. My brother too. Y’all were playing against each other today, right?
JOHN
I wouldn’t call what your brother does ‘playing’.
NICK
What’s that supposed to mean?
Nick takes a step in John’s direction. The other guys, angry looks on their faces, move in behind Nick.
John, unafraid, closes on Nick. They’re a few feet away from each other.
JOHN
Your brother, sits on the end of the bench, getting water for the starters, holds their jackets, or an umbrella for the coach if it’s raining. What position does he play? Coat rack?
Nick looks to the other guys. They’re furious. Nick laughs and applauds.
NICK
Maybe you did hit your head in the crash.
JOHN
You were driving. And you made me crash on purpose. You hit my car so I couldn’t play today and embarrass your little brother and your soft friends.
NICK
It’s our word against yours. Who do you think the cops are gonna believe?
John walks through the group.
NICK
What a loser.
John makes a sharp turn and pulls open the driver side door of the truck.
NICK
Hey!
But John is already inside. He emerges with a PHONE.
JOHN
This yours?
Nick’s momentary silence confirms it. John juggles the phone from hand to hand.
NICK
What are you doing?
JOHN
You’re going to give me a ride to my game. I’ll even sit alone in the bed. And at the game And then you’re going to admit what you did.
NICK
You’ve got some balls on you. I’ll give you that.
JOHN
I’m not letting my team down. So admit that you hit me, or do I have to open this phone and find the evidence I need?
NICK
I’m giving you one last chance to hand me back my phone.
John guesses the password on the phone. It doesn’t open.
NICK
Password protected.
JOHN
I could guess it. 1, 2, 3, 4?
FRANK
He doens’t have a password—
Nick punches Frank on the shoulder, cutting him off. He glares at John.
NICK
I’m almost done being patient with you.
JOHN
What you gonna do? People are watching.
John points to the man with the dog, watching a short distance away, phone still to his ear. The pace of the passing traffic has picked up again.
Nick cracks his knuckles.
NICK
You wanna throw down, let’s go. I’ll even let you take the first swing.
Nick offers his chin.
John takes a deep breath and his hand swings forward—
WITH THE PHONE. The camera on. He uses Nick’s face to unlock it. Nick blinks, realizing what’s happening.
JOHN
Thanks.
The phone is open. John scrolls through Nick’s apps.
NICK
Hey! Give me my phone!
John moves back towards his car, covering the phone.
JOHN
I’m pretty sure I have what I need now.
John scrolls through Nick’s videos. He plays one: It’s Nick inside his truck, staring out at John getting into his Mustang about five minutes ago.
NICK
Give that back!
Nick’s hand balls into a fist as he charges across the street at John.
John plays the video and Nick lunges at him, driving both of them into path of a SPEEDING SEDAN.
HOOOONNNKKK!!!
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