-
Day 9 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment
-
4 Replies
-
Jean’s Dialogue 4 – 6
What I learned doing this assignment is that there are always places that can be improved, especially when it comes to dialogue. Like the last lesson, going into this one specifically looking for areas to use setup/payoff, irony, and Anticipatory Dialogue helped elevate the script that much more.
Here are a few examples out of the ones I’ve changed:
Old:
JEB: Tell me, why should I let you live?
TANNER (O.S.): Because he’s the future of this nation.
New:
JEB: You’re not worth a thing to nobody.
TANNER (O.S.): He’s a national treasure, dimwit.
Billy whips around just as Tanner’s fist connects with his jaw. Surprise!
TANNER (CONT’D): The future…(BAM)…of this…(BAM BAM)…great nation!
The thug falls to the ground, out.
Old:
TANNER: You and your premonitions.
LAZARUS: I’ve already informed Cam.
TANNER: She’s gonna love him.
LAZARUS: Tanner, behave. I don’t want you scaring her before she’s committed to the Agency.
TANNER: Don’t worry, boss. Have I ever let you down?
New:
TANNER: Right. Have you seen her? She’s got that ‘nice-girl-next-door’ vibe. It’s gonna take yonks to make her any use to us. (then) Really? An accountant?
LAZARUS: The Agency needs her.
TANNER: I don’t normally disagree with you–
LAZARUS: Then, don’t.
TANNER: Laz–
LAZARUS: I mean it!
TANNER: Alright, alright. Have I ever let you down?
LAZARUS: More times than I care to count.
TANNER: Then, there’s nothing to worry about.
Old:
A photo of a painting of younger Lazarus(28) with the woman from the watch. Underneath reads: Lord Lazarus Edward Maitland, Earl of Compton 1713-1741 and Lady Elizabeth Maitland 1718-1773.
SHARRA: Some family resemblance.
New:
A photo of a painting of younger Lazarus(28) with the woman from the watch. Underneath reads: Lord Lazarus Edward Maitland, Earl of Compton 1713-1741 and Lady Elizabeth Maitland 1718-1773.
SHARRA: Talk about a doppelganger; he could pass as his great, great, great…great grandfather.
-
Janeen’s Dialogue 3-5
What I learned doing this assignment is that by marking where I wanted setup/payoff, anticipatory dialogue and irony before the first draft, I included them while drafting.
I ended up tweaking writing a little now and then and only found one place (in the first scene) where I added a setup line. Spent several hours going over the script looking for places I had missed, but only found that one.
I don’t have any before lines since I had included it in the draft. Wordsmithing would have been the only improvements. -
Tracy El Pueblo Day 9 – Anticipatory Dialogue
What I learned: I need to come back to this! My goal has been to get through to the end since I have a two-part Pilot. It’s a lot now to finish. I think when I can lay the completed Pilot out, I’ll be able to see the glaring holes, the places to improve. I’d love one thing from one act to maybe pay off in another character’s act. Plenty to grapple with — plus just make it sound good!
-
Rob’s Dialogue 4 – 6
Added a scene in which David says he will keep Madeleine safe which foreshadows that she is going to face danger.
Log in to reply.