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Day 9 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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10 Replies
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Rob Bertrand’s Writing is Bold
What I learned: I learned that assigning an emotion or attitude to a scene that I can completely alter the feel and tone. I discovered interesting emotions I hadn’t considered on the first draft.
1. ORIGINAL VERSION
EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Annie leads Jessica by the hand, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
When are they not fight? Hurry up.The sisters cut through a row of cars and find their parents arguing beside their car.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.NORA
(angry)
You said you had this under control!JACK
(angry)
I’m fine! Gimme the keys…NORA
Get in the car, Jack. Pull yourself together…for the kids.Annie and Jessica approach quietly. Fire burning in Annie’s eyes.
JACK
(cheerful)
Hey kids. Ready to go?Nora opens the car door and Jessica jumps inside.
ANNIE
Don’t fucking talk to me.JACK
Whoa! Language!ANNIE
You are so embarrassing!Jack stumbles forward towards Annie, but Nora steps between them. She places a hand firmly on Jack’s chest.
2. WRITTEN IN SADNESS FOR NORA
EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Annie, fighting back tears, marches Jessica by the hand, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
Hurry up!The sisters cut through a row of cars, towards the sound of their parents raging argument. Annie puts a finger to her lips to quiet Jessica and peaks around a minivan.
There stands Nora, shoulders slumped in embarrassment. Tears stream down her face. A woman who’s reached her limit.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.Nora speaks between sobs.
NORA
You…said…you had this…under control!JACK
(angry)
What the fuck you crying for? I’m fine! Gimme the keys…NORA
I have…never been more embarrassed, Jack!Jack spots the kids, eavesdropping.
JACK
Pull yourself…togever…for Christ’s sake. The kids…Annie and Jessica approach quietly. Fire burning in Annie’s eyes.
JACK
(cheerful)
Hey kids. Ready to go?Spirit broken; Nora opens the car door. Jessica escapes inside.
JACK
About time–ANNIE
–Don’t fucking talk to me.JACK
Whoa! Language!ANNIE
Are you okay, Mom?JACK
She’s fine!Jack stumbles forward, but Annie steps between them. She places a hand firmly on Jack’s chest.
3. WRITTEN WITH SADNESS AND APATHY FOR ANNIE
EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Fighting back tears, Annie marches Jessica by the hand, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
Same as it ever was…Hurry up.The sisters cut through a row of cars, towards the sound of their parents raging argument. Annie puts a finger to her lips to quiet Jessica and peaks around a minivan.
There stands Nora, shoulders slumped in embarrassment. Tears stream down her face. A woman who’s reached her limit.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.Nora’s voice is cold and emotionless.
NORA
You said you had this under control. I believed you.JACK
(angry)
So, what? I had a few drinks…I’m fine! Gimme the keys…NORA
I can’t…I can’t do this anymore, Jack.Jack spots the kids, eavesdropping.
JACK
For Christ’s sake. The kids…Annie and Jessica approach quietly. Fire burns like coal in Annie’s eyes.
JACK
(cheerful)
Hey kids. Ready to go?Spirit broken; Nora opens the car door. Jessica escapes inside.
JACK
About time–ANNIE
–Don’t fucking talk to me.JACK
Whoa! Language!ANNIE
Are you okay, Mom?Nora gives a half smile, but her eyes tell a different story.
NORA
I’m–JACK
–She’s fine!Jack stumbles forward, but Annie steps between them. She places a hand firmly on Jack’s chest.
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Budinscak Writing is Bold
Day 9
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Fun exercise to write with an attitude.
o Realizing the importance of emotion/attitude in every scene and every description. There’s no need to be boring.
o Great way to add life to your script.
Setup:
Act II has just begun, LC has given Jack a tour of the call center and Jack and his nephews are ready to begin their journey.
1. Original Half Page:
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack and LC stand at the back of the Cadillac as two of
LC’s MEN approach carrying buckets of ice.
LC
Jack, what’s in the cooler?
JACK
Not sure, but I got a helluva idea. I’m afraid to look.
LC
Why? You need to know.
JACK
I play stupid better than I play liar.
LC
Sounds like that’ll come in handy for this trip.
Jack drops his eyes and shakes his head. LC motions to the two faces staring at him from the Cadillac’s back window.
LC
What are you going to do with your nephews?
JACK
Since you won’t take ‘em, I’m dropping them off at the bus station.
LC
Jack ….
JACK
I’ll figure it out. How tough can they be, really?
LC winces to the comment. LC knows all too well what Jack will soon find out.
LC
And you’re sure Don Vito knows?
JACK
Positive. I just don’t know what to do.
Jack pops the Cadillac’s trunk open.
JACK
Ready?
LC and Jack’s eyes meet followed by a slight nod. Jack props off the lid of the cooler. He and LC lean in to look and pull back immediately.
LC
Jack ….
JACK
Hmmmmm. Well, wish me luck.
Jack closes the trunk and stops before LC. The two men shake hands, then embrace in a hug before Jack jumps in his Caddy. LC knocks and Jack lowers the driver’s side window.
LC
You gonna be okay?
JACK
I got no idea.
LC steps back and the Cadillac lunges forward. Sal and Puck hang out the back windows waving goodbye.
2. Rewrite – Jack fears for his nephews safety
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS ENTRANCE – DAY
Two of LC’s MEN approach the Cadillac with buckets of ice. Jack’s eyes dart from LC to the men – get rid of them.
LC
Leave the buckets by the trunk.
Jack keeps his head lowered until men leave.
LC
Jack, what’s in the cooler?
JACK
Not sure, but I got a helluva idea. I’m afraid to look.
LC
You need to know.
LC motions to the two faces staring at him through the Cadillac’s rear window. Jack nods to the boys – I’m here, I got you.
LC
What are you going to do with your nephews?
JACK
I gotta get them outta here.
LC turns his head slightly – did he just detect commitment in Jack? That’s a rare occurrence.
LC
And you’re sure Don Vito knows?
JACK
No, and he can never find out those two … my nephews were here.
Jack pops the Cadillac’s trunk open.
JACK
Ready?
LC and Jack’s eyes meet – let’s do it. Jack lifts the gelato container from the cooler and gingerly places it in the trunk.
LC
Jack ….
The gelato container is unsealed. Jack inhales before he removes the lid. Strands of hair mix with frozen gelato.
JACK
Well, wish me luck.
Jack closes the trunk. The two men embrace like long lost brothers reunited.
LC
You gonna be okay?
JACK
Don’t worry about me. Who do you know who can protect my boys?
Jack’s not getting in his Caddy until LC provides a name, and it’s got to be a solid referral.
3. Jack’s desperate to get rid of his nephews
EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS ENTRANCE – DAY
Jack and LC stand at the back of the Cadillac as two of
LC’s MEN approach carrying buckets of ice.
JACK
Either of you want to take both my nephews? Maybe one?
The men laugh then look at one another – NFW.
JACK
Seriously.
LC
Jack, what’s in the cooler?
JACK
Not sure, but I got a helluva idea.
LC
You need to know.
JACK
I play stupid better than I play liar, but I don’t play babysitter.
LC motions to the two faces staring from the Cadillac’s rear window. Jack shuffles his feet and mumbles – he’s ready to beg.
LC
What are you going to do with…?
JACK
You need to take them off my hands. Never mind babysit, I ain’t even a good uncle.
LC
And I am?
JACK
You gotta be better than me cuz I don’t want to.
LC shakes his head no, he’s drawing his line in the sand.
JACK
Since you won’t take ‘em, I’m dropping them off at the bus station.
LC winces to the comment. Jack can’t be that desperate or cold-hearted.
LC
You sure Don Vito knows?
JACK
Positive. I just don’t know what to do.
Jack pops the Cadillac’s trunk open.
JACK
Ready?
LC and Jack’s eyes meet – let’s do this. Like a surgeon with a newborn, Jack gingerly removes the gelato container and lays it in the trunk. Wishs of hair hang from the unsealed container.
JACK
You gonna let me drive outta here with two twelve year olds in the back seat and a severed head in the trunk?
LC
Let me see what I can do.
Jack closes the trunk and hugs LC – he needs his friend.
LC
You gonna be okay?
JACK
I got no idea, but I ain’t taking those two brats.
LC
Jack….
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Armand Writing is Bold!
What I learned…
THE KEY TO WRITING WITH ATTITUDE
The key is to assign an emotion or attitude to your description.
ASSIGNMENT
INT. HALLWAY – MANOR – NIGHT
Dallas and Lex peek out of the basement door — the coast is clear.
Lex leads Dallas. She inspects the old family portraits on the walls, the dead eyes on the paintings never looked more menacing.
LEX
(re: the watch)
I know I’ve seen it somewhere.
DALLAS
Hurry.
Dallas glances around, frightened.
Lex’s eyes widen — Eureka!
LEX
Look.
Dallas approaches Lex with curiosity. They stare at a painting of Tyler and Charles.
Steps crescendo in their direction.
DALLAS
Someone’s coming. Come!
Dallas grabs Lex’s hand protectively, surprising Lex. They head out. ‘
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EMOTION: ANGER AGAINST KILLER
INT. HALLWAY – MANOR – NIGHT
Dallas and Lex peep outside — the coast is clear. Lex emerges. Dallas follows her.
Lex marches ahead of Dallas, her thick boots stomping on the creaking hardwood floor. Dallas is on edge.
DALLAS
Slow down. He’s gonna hear us.
Lex ignores Dallas. She inspects the old family portraits on the wall. She couldn’t care less if the killer finds them.
LEX
(re: watch)
I’ve seen it somewhere.
Dallas shushes her. Lex snaps.
LEX
Your friends are dead. Don’t you want to know who did it?
DALLAS
Of course I do!
Steps crescendo in their direction.
LEX
We’re right here—
Dallas blocks Lex’s mouth. She grabs her by the hand, protectively. They head out.
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I am trying to write my tandem competitive narratives in my last novel with attitude. Jake’s voice is easier and clearer than that of the Magma Monsters, a chorus of igneous rocks, sitting stalwart on the NJ Palisades over the Hudson River. This is not realistic and hard to do with film but since this is an exercise, I will write their Voice Over that occurs after Midpoint arguing with Jake.
EXT. PALISADES OVER HUDSON RIVER
A Kaleidoscope of sumptuous images of the Palisades rock and its vistas and views accompanies the MM chorus.Positive by Jake versus Negative by MM
What is the nature of
a seesaw? A first-class lever, where the fulcrum sits between the effort and the load. To balance the loads. But you humans are smaller than anything in the universe. How can skinny Jake balance the we group of
Magma Monsters? Because we are heavy and he is light. He rhymes and we can be
minimal or maximal, using words he doesn’t understand. He likes short friendly
words that rhyme. His ADHD works for him because he forgets insults, doesn’t
fumigate with worry and guilt, and skims and bubbles over the surface as we
connect with Mother Nuclear and kill with passion and purpose.Prayers are the pleas from an unbalanced
seesaw when you are caught too high in the air.JAKE
The secret of the universe is
that rhymes make time bearable and laughter light: pain broken into dazzling
stars shimmying like a belly dance skirt. That is my ADHD POV but MM has a
deeper and more dreadful approach to the disasters, diseases, and disabilities
that roadblock life.MM
You are making your lives too
significant. All this megalomania for a blink in time. You had to invent time
to seal your space. Just because you control the current space, at least its
surface, you think you matter in time which devoured you years ago. We control
time, deep earth, and the sky and cosmos. Your civilization is a tiny piece of
baloney sandwiched between deep earth and the cosmos. We have seen better
civilizations dissolve before your time. The dinosaurs were more spectacular
than your pathetic bodies.What do we want? We are getting bored standing
stalwart on the Palisades like the row of trees the Lenape called us, watching
your ships go by and your planes fly and your world die. You ignore us unless
you look out the window on a Metro North Hudson train when the fall leaves
surround our black/grey rocks with their crimson bouquets. But we were once the
stars of the show, the spectacular erupting volcanoes whose magma intruded into
the sedimentary rock to make these war-like cliffs. Each splinter of our rock
can shave, cut, or kill. But we are
ugly and utilitarian. The Gunk rock is worshipped by rock climbers, marble is
made love to by your artists, you are always drilling into schist or making him
sparkle, and gneiss is left alone to communicate with Father Sky. But we are
ignored.We are sick of guarding the NYC waterway. Each of your character’s
deaths is a minor volcano that we can celebrate. We love the finality of death.
Death is a bit like celebrating birthdays because we focus on one person at a
time. Then we can close the dates and stop counting and repeating. There is
nothing special about the dead body–just another piece of smelly matter–but
it is important to know what he or she did, or not, in the wide space of
crustal earth.
There is nothing worse than aging. In
youth you add to what you do but aging cancels what you grew. Famous writers
have called it a massacre–we say an apocalypse. Every system in your body
breaks down, dying slowly, in a metabolic process known as catabolism. The only
thing that can grow is cancer–the creative, promiscuous entity left in your
dilapidated system. And there is no cure, despite what doctors say. Docs feed
off the dying like maggots, pumping you with drugs and surgery that ensure that
your last days are more painful than they would be naturally.In case you don’t
get it, we mimic your stupid rhymes: What with skin cancer’s intrusion,
brain cancer’s extrusion, try to end the confusion with a contusion that makes
you bleed into magma mush. Call us Magma Mush, not Magma Monsters.Never look
in the mirror. Even healthy seniors have wrinkles, sunspots, thinning hair,
discoloration, varicosities, and blotches of imperfections. You are now
repulsive so don’t try to make new friends and forget about lovers. Your
dangling dicks will never rise again to their dinosaur heights no matter how
many drugs you take. Women are like shriveled, dried fruit that rips on contact
or friction. You can’t use your mind to forget about your body because your
brain is an organ filled with clogged arteries, amyloid plaque, tangled
dendrites, shrinking neurons, and cancerous tumors that find homes in this
jungle where you have lost your way.You forget what is important, like the
names of loved ones. You don’t see, hear, smell, or feel as well as you used to,
locked in a fog of sensory deprivation. Your muse abandons you and creativity
is a closed door. You can’t read all the books in your library, not even the
titles. Even if your legs still work, you are a dead brain walking, your head separating from the rest like a mouse caught in a roach motel. Because of
modern medicine, your last days will be disastrous, a slow choking that makes
you hate everyone and everything. Death is the horrifying finale to the long
torture of aging and there is no afterlife.Why bother being born? Unless you
can manage pyroclastic petrification before your putrefaction seeps into the
soil and become a fossil.JAKE
But I believe in the best of all possible worlds, freedom of human will, and a benevolent God of some sort. Yes, I heard that pyroclasts are more promising than cryogenic preservation. But MM, you are too pessimistic. Aging and death aren’t that bad–there is a lot of fun to be had, as we stop the run, and spend time in the sun. You say sun is cancerous? End it with a gun before our time is done–or use an umbrella. Counteract catabolism with cardio, weights, rest, relaxation, lean protein, fresh veggies, and fruits, and lots of water. Say no to carcinogens like cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and junk food. Alzheimer’s can be cruel, worse than a duel, unless you eat your gruel and let your soul refuel like a jewel outside of school. At least you forget that you are in pain. People still talk about my wife’s suicide, cascading down the waterfalls of the Trump atrium to crash into the salmon-colored marble, but she died at the right time, as Nietzsche would say–the last leap of a beautiful dancer before multiple sclerosis frayed her nerves and slaughtered her looks. My dad was always a lecturer so when amyotrophic lateral sclerosis paralyzed his physical body, his voice still boomed throughout the house, (boom boom through every room though he is in a tomb far from mom’s womb and my gloom and the maid’s broom) like Stephen Hawking screaming at the heavens–until he mercifully choked and croaked.
And me–I love fitness and will teach classes till I shuffle off my Parkinson’s coil. Some of the greats had Parkinson’s, like Mohamed Ali and Michael J. Fox, so I am in good company with good drugs. I look forward to “too much dopamine” when I will have the colorful hallucinations of a schizophrenic as my woody womb pecker stiffens like a saw slicing a tree trunk–yeah, dopamine beats Viagra! Move over for my Jurassic pork! One plus of PD is that, even though I am a guy, I teach my dead wife’s belly dance classes, shimmying with a tremor that looks like a quake. I am shaken, but not stirred. Like Ali and Fox, I will spread my message on earth, and when my release comes, I will transcend my shaking chakras to the world of pure energy and sound because I have always loved music more than bodies and I can’t wait to hear celestial symphonies.
As soon as we succumb to the heat, lose our heartbeat and our meat, and get covered in a sheet, we can dance to the sweet beat of stars as we meet our makers, whoever they may be. No longer an athlete, I can treat myself to all I can eat without getting the flat feet of the effete and elite who pig out and pummel the concrete. My hoofbeat will be with the angels’ fleet in the backseat of God, whoever she may be. Once the heavens open up, it doesn’t matter what creed or greed or need chained us on earth–we are now free! I may even stop rhyming because space and time are infinite and there are no ends to tie up with tone color.
MM
We are amused by your pathetic attempts to control climate change. Climate always changes, the universe expands and contracts, and beings are blown up. We can burn fast through your stories, crackling along to feature caste and class in your clans, but dementia opens up holes in the brain that slow you down and make us cackle with laughter. Natural disasters appear to surge from nowhere, are unpredictable, unjust, irrational, inhumane, undermine security and safety and kill innocents. A dormant volcano is a sleeper cell that can erupt at any time. Earthquakes are big fires at the center of the earth trying in vain to escape through subterranean channels but growing in power and rage until we erupt over your crust of civilization. There is beauty in this finality.
Except that it is never over. Burnt and broken beings still struggle for life. People remember. Stories are repeated. Foaming, roaming, heaving, and swelling, this apocalypse mocks the slow processes of culture formation and history-making. People packed on top of each other create a No Exit sandcastle filled with stink.
Igneous stone is smooth enough to let the noise of the world slide over it yet sharp enough to cut anything when applied with focus. There is no safety in safety but sadness. Sometimes killing is kind. There is a definitive, clean, slippery cruelty to our igneous rock. Even small pieces can be used as knives to cut anything. When lava overflows there is no conscience, no compromise, no controlling. It is a supreme catharsis.
Igneous is apocalyptic. Jake celebrates life.
JAKEThat is why we must get the Bright Space Brain Buffet before it is too late!!! We can’t wait!!!
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Elizabeth Writing Bold
What I learned: Again, a simple idea. But when you apply it—it really helps.
INT. LINDA’S KITCHEN – EVENING
Grace tries to hand Ed a beer out of the fridge. He shakes his head—no thanks. She pulls out a coke.
ED
Thank you. That would be great.
LINDA
So let’s see this famous picture.
Ed pulls his wallet out, flips it open like it’s a rag—but the way he touches Susan’s picture—like Manna from Heaven.
Linda takes it. To Grace—
LINDA
You look more like him than this Susan woman. The hair. I’m not buying it.
GRACE
Science doesn’t lie.
LINDA
It just gets things wrong.
Grace shoots looks between Adam, working a Punnett Square at the table, and her mother—we sabotaging schoolwork?
LINDA
(Small backtrack)
Sometimes. A study shows one thing, and then another the opposite.
(And)
I’m just saying, how do you really know this guy’s family?
ED
I’m not family. Susan was.
Linda’s Eagle eyes, darts into his.
LINDA
But you’re the one who’s here.
Ed shifts. Why is he here?
ED
I—
Grace interrupts.
GRACE
Ed is here because it means something to me that he and and my grandmother were together. And it should mean something to you that it means something to me.
Whatever. Back to them all as she heads down the hall—
LINDA
Enjoy your coke. My Game of Thrones calls.
ED
I thought that was over? There a new season?
MIKE
She just watches the old ones. Over and over. It’s all that blood.
LINDA
I heard you!
MIKE
You always do.
Build more of: Linda’s damaging aggression (Linda as mean; Grace as vulnerable/hurt)
INT. LINDA’S KITCHEN – EVENING
Grace tries to hand Ed a beer out of the fridge. He shakes his head—no thanks. She pulls out a sparkling water.
ED
(Takes the water)
Thank you. This is great.
LINDA
So. Where’s this picture.
Ed pulls out his wallet. Flips it open like a rag—but the way he touches Susan’s picture—Manna from Heaven, before
Linda snatches the wallet from his hands. Slides her thumb up the woman’s face like she’s wiping a smudge. Frowns.
LINDA
(Hawk-eye on Grace)
You don’t look anything like her.
Linda’s glower zeros in on the birthmark on Ed’s cheek.
Now scrutinizes one a bit higher on Grace’s—
LINDA
But that face mole—. You actually look more like him.
Grace touches her birthmark—years of shame.
LINDA
(Re: Ed’s bald head)
And the hair.
GRACE
Mother. I am not going bald.
LINDA
All that hair in the shower?
MIKE
(Protective)
It’s her anemia and it’s being treated. Besides, male pattern baldness isn’t hereditary—or I’d be screwed.
Linda discards the wallet on the table like a tissue she’s blown her nose into.
LINDA
I’m not buying it. DNA test.
GRACE
Mother, science doesn’t lie.
LINDA
It just gets things wrong.
Grace shoots a look between Adam, working a Punnett Square at the table and her mother—are we sabotaging schoolwork?
A tiny backtrack as Linda picks up a cup of black coffee—
LINDA
Sometimes. A study shows one thing, then another the opposite.
(And)
I’m just saying, how can you be sure this guy’s family?
Quickly—
ED
I’m not family. Susan was.
Linda’s eyes spear Ed’s. Cold, slicing icicles.
LINDA
But you’re the one who’s here.
Ed shifts. Why, exactly is he—here?
ED
I—
GRACE
(Interrupts)
Ed’s here because it means a lot to me that he and and my grandmother were together. And it should mean something to you—that it means a lot to me.
Linda is—whatever. Turns. Heads down the hall—
LINDA
Enjoy the mineral water I was going to have with my Game of Thrones.
ED
Oh. Sorry!
Still trying, as Grace and Mike shake their heads—ignore her—
ED
Did they make a new season?
MIKE
She watches old tapes. Same blood, over and over.
Something with this resonates for Linda.
LINDA
(Sing-song, not offended)
I heard you!
MIKE
You always do.
(Under his breath)
It just never makes any difference.
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Amy’s Writing is Bold!
What I learned doing this assignment is the scenes written with attitude are way better.
A. The plain version
EXT. – STREET/WBEN – DAY
Andrea jumps out of the taxi.
She goes to the door and tries her electronic key, but it doesn’t work.
She picks up the phone and waits.
ANDREA
Bob! It’s Andrea. My key isn’t working. Can you let me in?… No, this isn’t a joke. Bob, let me in!
A LOUD CLICK IS HEARD. Bob has hung up on her.
ANDREA
What is going on?
She turns back to the street and starts walking towards the parking garage.
INT. PARKING GARAGE – DAY
Andrea looks around for her car but becomes very confused when she can’t find it.
She gives up and walks back out.
EXT. – ANDREA’S HOME – DAY
A taxi pulls up to Andrea’s home. She gets out and runs up the walkway.
She puts her key in the door, but it doesn’t work.
She rings the bell.
ANDREA
Josh, my key isn’t working. Can you let me in?
The door opens. It’s Josh. He turns pale at the sight of her.
B. Written with Andrea angry
EXT. – STREET/WBEN – DAY
Andrea jumps out of the taxi. She slams the door shut.
She goes to the door and tries her electronic key, but it doesn’t work. She bangs her fist on the key pad.
She yanks the phone off the receiver and scowls as she waits for someone to answer.
ANDREA
Bob! It’s Andrea. My key isn’t working. Let me in!… No, this isn’t a joke. Do I sound like I’m joking?
A LOUD CLICK IS HEARD. Bob has hung up on her.
She slams the phone back into its receiver.
ANDREA
Ugh! What is going on?
She turns back to the street and stalks towards the parking garage.
INT. PARKING GARAGE – DAY
Andrea looks around for her car, but it’s nowhere to be found. She huffs and stamps her foot, then stomps back out of the garage.
EXT. – ANDREA’S HOME – DAY
A taxi pulls up to Andrea’s home. She gets out and closes the door so hard it sounds like a gunshot.
She stomps up the walkway.
She jams her key in the door, but it doesn’t work.
She pounds on the door and rings the bell incessantly.
ANDREA
Josh, what the hell? Come open this door right now!
The door opens. It’s Josh. He turns pale at the sight of her.
C. Written with Andrea in desperation
EXT. – STREET/WBEN – DAY
Andrea jumps out of the taxi before it even stops moving.
She runs for her life to the door. She tries her electronic key. It doesn’t work!
She desperately grabs the phone and waits, breathing heavy.
ANDREA
Bob! It’s Andrea. My key isn’t working. Please let me in!… No! This isn’t a joke. Bob, please! BOB!
A LOUD CLICK IS HEARD. Bob has hung up on her.
Andrea grabs her head and turns away from the door.
ANDREA
What is going on?
She races towards the parking garage.
INT. PARKING GARAGE – DAY
Andrea looks around for her car, but it’s nowhere to be found. She starts to wander around the garage, aimless, lost, bereft.
She finally gives up and walks back out.
EXT. – ANDREA’S HOME – DAY
A taxi pulls up to Andrea’s home. Andrea opens the door and hops out before the taxi even has a chance to stop.
She sprints up the walkway as the TAXI DRIVER yells at her.
TAXI DRIVER
Hey, lady! What about my tip?
Andrea puts her key in the door, but it doesn’t work.
ANDREA
Oh, no! What is happening? JOSH!
She bangs on the door and rings the bell incessantly.
ANDREA
JOSH! My key isn’t working! Can you let me in? Please!
The door opens. It’s Josh. He turns pale at the sight of her.
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Janeen’s Writing is Bold!
What I learned doing this assignment is that attitude changes the whole scene and definitely changes the description. A very useful technique to provide the director/reader with the emotion the writer wants to convey with a scene.
ORIGINAL SCENE:
INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
AMBER sits in an interrogation room with her kids draped across her lap sound asleep. POLICE 2 and Daniel’s LAWYER enter the room quietly and stand near the door. Police 2 is large and threatening. Daniel’s lawyer sits quietly at the table across from Amber and leans across to speak quietly to her. Amber shrinks back, but can’t move much or she’ll wake the kids.
LAWYER
Your husband says Ms. Day accosted you at the women’s shelter where you were making a donation. Did she?
Amber considers, her eyes darting everywhere, but not changing her position so as not to wake the kids.
AMBER
She did.
Lawyer looks at Police 2 who gives a slight nod and the two quietly leave the room.
EMOTION A — PITY for AMBER
INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
AMBER, kids asleep and draped over her lap, tries to stretch her legs without waking them.
She starts when POLICE 2 fills the room and looks away in shame when Richard’s LAWYER follows him in.
LAWYER quietly sits at the table across from her, cocking his head to look at her, a simper on his lips.
LAWYER
Mrs. Richards, your husband says that Ms. Day accosted you at the women’s shelter where you were making a donation. Did she accost you?
Amber starts to reply, stops immediately when her eyes meet Lawyer’s dead gaze. Her eyes travel to his smirk. She shifts uncomfortably, looking away.
Lawyer clears his throat, expecting an answer.
AMBER
(mumbling)
Yes. She did.
Triumph replaces the smirk and Lawyer stands, turning to Police 2, who shakes his head, opens the door and escorts Lawyer out.
Amber hugs her children closer, tears pooling in her eyes and running down her cheeks.
EMOTION B — DISDAIN for AMBER
INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
AMBER, rumpled, haphazardly balances the kids in her lap as they sleep and she sprawls in her chair.
She straightens, pushing her hair back, trying to look respectable when POLICE 2 enters the interrogation room, closely followed by Richard’s attorney.
The attorney slips quietly into the chair on the opposite side of the table.
LAWYER
Mrs. Richards – Amber – your husband says that Ms. Day accosted you at the women’s shelter where you were making a donation. All I need is for you to tell me if that’s true or not.
Amber’s blank stare meets Lawyer’s gaze.
AMBER
(flatly)
It’s true.
Lawyer looks up at Police 2 who rolls his eyes and nods, opening the door for Lawyer to exit.
Amber sighs and sprawls a little more, closing her eyes.
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PS 80 Michelle Damis Writing is BOLD!
What I learned doing this assignment. I had a terrible time picking a scene. I finally did but …meh….I will look for other opportunities to put different flavors on scenes as I continue.
PLAIN VERSION
INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Jim is sitting at the table with his coffee and a bunch of old photos, he squints at one.
MARIN: I swear she messes with me on purpose.
JIM: Don’t take it personally, she is just going through a phase.
Marin grabs readers off the counter and hands them to Jim.
MARIN: Would you like to continue to squint or would you actually like to really see those?
JIM: Thank you (sarcastically)
Marin is shutting cupboards, closing open boxes, wiping crumbs etc…
MARIN: Look at this place.
Jim looks at the kitchen with the readers on, eyes magnified, making a goofy, cross-eyed face.
JIM: Is one of you talking to me?
Jim never fails to make Marin laugh even when she is angry.
WRITTEN WITH LOVE FOR NINA
INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Jim sits at the table with a cup of coffee tearing up over a baby photo of Nina. Marin pats him on the cheek lovingly. He picks up another photo and squints.
MARIN: I really hate to think she messes with me on purpose.
JIM: Don’t take it personally, she is just going through a phase.
Marin grabs readers off the counter and hands them to Jim.
MARIN: Would you like to continue to squint or would you actually like to really see those?
JIM: Thank you (sarcastically)
Marin picks up some photos.
MARIN: I just want her to be happy. But, look at this place.
Jim looks at the kitchen with the readers on, eyes magnified, making a goofy, cross-eyed face.
JIM: Is one of you talking to me?
Jim never fails to make Marin laugh even when she is angry.
WRITTEN WITH ANGER TOWARDS NINA
INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Jim is sitting at the table with his coffee and a bunch of old photos, he squints at one then tosses is back in the back.
MARIN: I swear she messes with me on purpose.
Marin steps on food left on the floor.
MARIN: GOD-DAMMIT!!!
Taking a deep cleansing breath.
JIM: Don’t take it personally, she is just going through a phase.
Marin grabs readers off the counter and hands them to Jim.
MARIN: Would you like to continue to squint or would you actually like to really see those?
JIM: Thank you (sarcastically)
Marin is slamming cupboards, jamming open boxes closed, and wiping crumbs with unnecessary force…
MARIN: Look at this place.
Jim looks at the kitchen with the readers on, eyes magnified, making a goofy, cross-eyed face.
JIM: Is one of you talking to me?
Jim never fails to make Marin laugh even when she is angry.
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Emmanuel’s Writing is Bold!
What I learned doing this assignment is to review each scene and determine if there can be more boldness in the action and dialogue. But also, be mindful of the other writing tools and tips.
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Jodi’s Writing is Bold! – Day 9
Rewriting with different emotions I also needed to change the dialogue a little bit. Trying to keep close to the same perimeters was surprisingly more challenging than I thought it would be.
ORIGINAL:
The saleslady follows a young girl to the make up counter.
SALESLADY
Can I help you.
GIRL
No, I’m just looking.
SALESLADY
Let me know if you need any help.
GIRL
Thank you. I will.
The girl moves on to a clothing rack. The saleslady follows close behind her. The girl sees her.
SALESLADY
Can I help you?
GIRL
Still just looking.
The girl moves on to the jewelry section. The Saleslady is lurking around the corner spying on her at first. The girl picks up some earrings and puts them close to her ears, looking at them in the mirror. The Saleslady springs into action.
SALESLADY
Those are lovely earrings, can I help you with them?
GIRL
You already asked me that, are you following me?
WRITTEN BEING OFFENDED WITH THE SALESLADY:
The saleslady follows the young girl to the make up counter.
SALESLADY
Can I help you.
GIRL
No, I’m just looking.
SALESLADY
Let me know if you need any help.
GIRL
Thank you. I will.
The girl moves on to a clothing rack. The saleslady follows close behind her. The girl sees her.
SALESLADY
Can I help you?
The look looks at her offended.
GIRL
Huh. Still just looking!
The girl moves on to the jewelry section looking back for the lady, ready to give her the evil eye if she dares to follow her again. Off her guard the girl picks up some earrings and puts them close to her ears, looking at them in the mirror. The Saleslady sneaks up on her.
SALESLADY
Those are lovely earrings, can I help you with them?
GIRL
You already asked me that, are you following me? Where’s your Manager!
WRITTEN BEING COPASETIC WITH THE SALESLADY:
The saleslady follows a young girl to the make up counter.
SALESLADY
Can I help you.
GIRL
No, I’m just looking.
SALESLADY
Let me know if you need any help.
GIRL
Thank you. I will.
The girl moves on to a clothing rack. The saleslady follows close behind her. The girl sees her. She waves at the sales lady.
SALESLADY
Can I help you?
GIRL
Still just looking.
The girl moves on to the jewelry section. The Saleslady is lurking around the corner spying on her at first. The girls sees her of course.
GIRL
Is it okay for me to try on the earrings? Do you have a mirror?
The girl picks up some earrings and puts them close to her ears, looking at them in the mirror. The Saleslady springs into action.
SALESLADY
Sure. Those are lovely earrings, can I help you with them?
GIRL
It’s okay that you’re following me. I get it.
The loss margin is so high in these stores you have to do something to
stem the tide.
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