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Day 9 Assignments
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7 Replies
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Janeen’s post-critique-watching second draft of QE#2
Note: I switched my characters around since they seemed to have the opposite set of traits the first time.
Logline: In a backyard fort, wealthy Nick tries to get his less prosperous brother John to tell him what he should get their mom for her birthday while John conspires to get his brother to buy the expensive gift he knows his mom wants (and he can’t afford).
Essence: Brothers try to manipulate each other regarding their mother’s birthday present.
INT. KID’S PLAY FORT – DAY
Warm summer day at their childhood tract house with a rickety playhouse in the back corner of the yard. Thirty-something dad, JOHN DIRKSON, his wife LACY and their kids are living with John’s mom. JOHN in an old t-shirt and well-worn cargo shorts sports hair in need of a trim and has holes in his sneakers.
Johns’s brother NICK, obviously well off, sports brand name clothes and impeccable hair.
They talk furtively, hunkered down over a tub of water balloons, keeping one eye on the back of the house where about EIGHT KIDS aged 4 to 8 and thirty-something mom, LACY, fill balloons with a hose attachment and slip them into a kiddie pool.
JOHN
How much ammo did we steal?
NICK
My guess? Only about twenty-five shots. We can hold them off for a little if we work together to conserve our firepower. How long until they find us?
JOHN glances at his wife, Lacy, who gives him a nod.
JOHN
Minutes.
NICK
Thanks for hosting. The condo association wouldn’t appreciate a war in the pool area. Do we try to take out the leaders first? Surrender right away? Make a run for it to tire them out?
JOHN
(with bravado)
No surrender. We go down fighting. Knock out the oldest first. None of the little ones have a prayer of hitting us anyway.
They chuckle. JOHN points to the tub of balloons between them.
JOHN
Running’s not an option. All our ammo is here.
They chuckle again.
NICK
So we wait.
NICK
(studiously casual)
What do you think I should get Mom for her birthday?
JOHN smirks and looks away, silent.
NICK
Jen always figured that stuff out before, but now that she’s got Mr. Douche Bag Big Hair, I can’t really ask her.
JOHN
Do you call him that in front of your kids?
NICK
Of course not! I just call him Mr. DB Big Hair. They asked what the DB stood for and I told them Darn Big.
JOHN shakes his head and chuckles.
NICK
Jen doesn’t like me using Darn in front of the kids but I told her I’d have to use what the initials really stand for if she objects. Then she’d have to explain what a DB is.
They both chuckle quietly. NICK sneaks a peek at the balloon fillers.
NICK
All the enemy are outside and they’ve got the full support team to resupply them.
JOHN
Mom? Lacy?
NICK nods.
NICK
We’re doomed.
NICK steels himself for another foray.
NICK
Has Lacy come up with a gift for mom? Does she, by any chance, have a list of ideas?
JOHN smirks behind his hand.
JOHN
None.
Nick guffaws, then considers for a beat.
NICK
Do your kids still like those action figures?
JOHN
Oh no you don’t! You’re not going to bribe my kids into telling you what we’re getting mom.
NICK
(with satisfaction)
You’re right. I’m not. My kids are. The longer we delay the battle, the longer they have to get it out of that beautiful little girl of yours.
JOHN
Lily’s only five! That’s completely unfair.
NICK
Alls fair in love and war and this is both.
They check the progress the balloon support team is making.
NICK gathers his courage and feigns nonchalance.
NICK
I got Mom custom floor mats last year. What did you get her?
JOHN crosses his fingers behind his back.
JOHN
A gift certificate to a spa.
NICK
Did she like it?
JOHN crosses his fingers tighter.
JOHN
I’m not sure.
He feigns pondering, the continues.
JOHN
We asked her if she used it and she said when she got to the spa, she upgraded to their top package. Apparently, the one we got wasn’t good enough, but it was all we could afford.
NICK
Are you going to do that again this year?
JOHN
The spa went out of business before Christmas so we can’t.
NICK
I see.
JOHN uncrosses his fingers and pokes his head out of the fort to scout the enemy, a smile on his face.
NICK googles spas and finds a grand opening for a new spa nearby and adds their best gift package to his cart. He smiles and puts his phone back in his pocket.
JOHN turns to see the phone being stashed, gives an OK sign to Lacy and his mom and smiles as he sits down again.
JOHN
Mom’s going in. Looks like Lacy’s giving the kids their marching orders.
They pull balloons from the tub and heft them, nodding to each other and miming poses of conquering heroes.
NICK takes a look outside and frowns.
NICK
They’re just standing there looking around. How are they going to find us here?
JOHN
I may have mentioned to Lacy that we’d be in the fort.
They laugh.
JOHN
And, just in case she forgot to tell them, I have one foot sticking out so they can see it.
NICK
Here they come.
They both laugh and lob water balloons at the cluster of kids approaching, making sure their shots fall short.
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Hi Janeen,
Really fun scene to read. I like that you took a different approach to the cat and mouse theme by making them brothers trying to get favor with their mother. It leaves something unsaid about their mother. I did not get a sense of the interest techniques though. However I did see the character traits come through in a subtle way, which I thought was cool and what made the scene work. I felt the first time around that there was more confrontation in the scene that didn’t come out in this rewrite. Regardless I liked both scenes. If you want you could remove the action at the top of the page describing that they live at his mom’s with their kids and put it into dialogue maybe having Nick offer up money for a deposit of some sort. Just a thought. Really good scene!
Best
Doug
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Hello- I think this is a nice scene. The one thing I would like to see to bring out the essence is that the confrontation and fight over the birthday present come out in the water balloon fight. Then ending with satisfaction of the resolution in which Nick, would agree to John’s present which he finds on his phone due to the battle of the balloons. Some of the character traits show like Nick’s rebellious attitude against the condo association. John seems distrustful when he suggests that his brother would like to bribe his kids.
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Doug’s QE#2 Rewrite
Logline: 2525: A deranged John holds hostages while trying to start a machine to cleanse “Earth”, until a N.I.C.K. cyber suit shows up to thwart his plan revealing John’s true purpose.
Essence: Nick must use her wits to get John to not cause a planetary disaster.
INT. CARVER FACILITY: SCIENCE LAB – DAY
The room is not that vast but has everything needed for achieving any desire of a scientist. Including a small clean room with fishbowl windows.
The door to the science lab is closed, voices are heard outside the door. Mostly just cries of a woman and a man. The door swishes open and lights come on.
ALLY 40’S, and MAC 30’S, in normal clothes are pushed in, their hands are cuffed in front with armored electro cuffs. The voice of JOHN MOCK, 50’S is heard loudly.
JOHN (O.S.)
Get the hell in there you nasty things! You’re gonna pay for what you did!
John enters the room, he is wearing nano battle armor without a helmet, and the door swishes shut behind him. He is armed with a gun.
MAC
What is wrong with you John? Why are you doing this?
John moves quickly striking Mack with the gun in the temple. Sending Mac to the floor in pain. Ally screams.
JOHN
You killed them! Killed them all! And now you’re all going to die! Every last one of you parasites! Earth will be ours once more and you will be eradicated!
ALLY
We are human like you! John you’re have a nervous breakdown, and the real killer could be anywhere.
John shoves past her and heads to the holographic control console.
JOHN
No! It’s not true, you are the murderers! You killed the world, and our fellow survivors. It’s you, you, YOU!
A cyber mech suit crashes through the ceiling to the floor in the clean room. The two captives huddle with each other. John fires several shots at the glass shattering it everywhere. Three blasts from an arm cannon on the suit blow a hole in the wall and rip apart the tables. John pulls Ally up and puts the gun to her head.
The suit pulls up a cannon on it’s arm. John backs up to the holo panel.
ALLY
Take the shot! You can end this.
The cannon whirrs and a glow comes out from the end. John pushes the gun into Ally’s temple. The whirring stops, and the cannon is disarmed.
John sees four letters embossed on the chest. N.I.C.K
JOHN
A Naturally Integrated Cybernetic Klansman. I thought you were killed off by the invaders?
John moves his free hand to the holo console and presses a couple of buttons, rumbling is heard. The Nick shrugs.
N.I.C.K
(Robotic voice) Hey, clone! Drop the weapon!
JOHN
What did you say?
N.I.C.K
Stop what you’re doing and let them go and I won’t turn you to ash.
John forces Ally onto her knees and puts the gun to the back of her head.
JOHN
You called me clone. What did you mean?
N.I.C.K
Because you are. Ask them.
The Nick unit points at the two hostages. They make eye contact and shake their heads.
ALLY
Just shoot him! That’s what you were designed for.
JOHN
You know I have nano armor on, so disintegrating me won’t happen.
N.I.C.K
I just need to get your head.
JOHN
Ha! My head…
John using his free hand touches his hair.
JOHN
Oh shit.
Nick tilts it’s head as saying “told you so,” and pulls up the cannon again.
N.I.C.K
Guess it’s time I give you a haircut.
JOHN
Computer, tactical override. Isolate and lockdown malfunctioning NICK uint.
The computer does at it is commanded, the NICK units’ weapon is disabled as it is about to fire. The unit can not move.
N.I.C.K
Shit!
John smiles and laughs as he kicks Ally away. He turns and types on the holo console.
JOHN
Sorry NICK, you should have taken the shot like she said.
N.I.C.K
Listen, John, your clone cognitive programing has been altered. It happens when you are this far out.
John keeps his attention to the holo console bringing up plans for a device that looks nefarious.
JOHN
I’m not going to listen to an imbecile warrior bred for killing. I’m a science officer, keeping you around will be beneficial to me as I am not genetically equipped to handle the suit.
NICK laughs so hard making the robotic voice eerie and sinister.
N.I.C.K
Where do you think we are right now?
John stops typing and turns his attention to Nick.
JOHN
Earth, of course. Where else would we be. Their kind,
He points to Ally and Mac.
JOHN
Have plagued our world and we are humanities last hope. They took everything from us, destroyed our oceans and farmlands. We were pushed here, and this is why I have created this, my atomizer. It’ll purify the Earth.
He points the holographic image, that the computer is now putting together.
N.I.C.K
No John they are human and you are a clone. A tool used to get the job done.
JOHN
Lies! Humanity will rise again and flourish, in this, our home Earth!
The NICK suit slowly opens while John stares at the schematic. Ally and Mac gasp at what’s inside. Out steps a female Andromian, pulling a glowing knife from her sheath.
John turns around.
JOHN
Oh my! Well this is unexpected.
He raises his gun and points it at Ally. Nick raises her knife.
JOHN
Usurper, Killer! I will kill her!
N.I.C.K
Such slander, I’m no killer. Clone.
JOHN
(Flippantly) Then what would you call a race of shapeshifting, alien, slavers! Mac if you truly are human kill that thing.
They stare each other down neither dropping their weapons. Mac looks at Nick and makes his move. Nick is faster, she cuts off his hands sending him down to the floor in pain.
N.I.C.K
Stupid move.
JOHN
See, you are a killer.
N.I.C.K
He’ll live, just not well. Plus he was human. You’re not on earth. You’re on my planet Andromeda. Humans invaded here 30 cycles ago and enslaved our people and used clones like you to terraform the planet and kill us.
JOHN
Lies!
N.I.C.K
Fine then. Tell the computer to open shudders to the outside world. Prove me wrong.
John thinks for a moment, and gives in.
JOHN
Computer open shades.
The metal shades on the windows open slowly as the light pours in they all look outside seeing a desolate land with life not known on earth.
N.I.C.K
You see not Earth. Your life was implanted during your cognitive programing thanks to the technology stolen from us. So put down your gun and lets’ find a solution to this without killing.
Realizing Nick is telling the truth, John laughs until he cries. He lowers the gun.
JOHN
Computer unlock Nick uint, and start, atomizer.
ALLY
You fucking idiot clone! You’ve killed us all.
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Kathleen S.
Lesson#8
QEcycle2
LOGLINE: John K. is a mail delivery driver who stops at the county Psych ward and takes a break there while talking to the patient, Nick S. and his doctor, Dr. Mann. Meanwhile, he is jumped and the patient escapes with his truck.
ESSENCE: This is what happens when a mailman is left alone with a nut, who talks him into letting his guard down.
SCENE:
The delivery man, John has to find the right person to give the package to and get his signature. A doctor tells him to wait and he’ll get the patient Nick. They have misjudged the nut who was capable of escaping and stealing the mail van after threatening John and stealing his clothes.
JOHN K.WHO IS A FED EX DELIVERY MAN IS DRIVING HIS VAN DOWN THE STREET ON HIS WAY TO THE NEXT STOP, THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
John K., is a mail delivery driver driving down a busy road on his way to the next stop. He’s listening to some music on the radio, and thinking about the long lonely hours in his van and empty soda can. The next stop is the county Psychiatric Hospital Ward room 324, and the package is a middle-sized box for Nick Scott. Traffic slows, and John sings along to a song…
John looks at the traffic and the empty soda can in his cup holder.
He starts singing in a low tone to an AC/DC song:
JOHN
“…No stop signs,
Speed limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel
Gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me around… !”
John slows the van and parks in front of the building. He gets the box out, and steps up to the sidewalk and heads into the front entrance.
JOHN
Hello, I have to deliver this box to patient Nick Scott in room 324. Can he sign for it, please?
FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST
Hello, yes- let me see if Nick is available.
She dials the room.
No answer. It’s just around the corner if you want to knock.
Peering around the corner just down the hall there is a man overhearing this. He says to John,
DOC MANN
I’m Nick’s Doctor. Doctor Mann. I will sign for the package if you want. Nick might be sleeping. I’ve recommended long rests for him. It might be best that I take it, I might not allow him to have it.
JOHN
Let’s knock, please? Then I’ll have him sign for it. It’s better than having you sign for his mail don’t you think?
DOC MANN
His mother does if she’s visiting. she hasn’t been here in weeks.
JOHN
Don’t you think his mother would want him to have his mail?
John knocks on door 324.
DOC
You see, sometimes he’s not allowed to keep packages, especially when they’re full of home baked goods. Let me open the door and see.
Doc opens the door.
Nick, you’re awake! There’s mail. Look here-
NICK
Hello, Doctor!
JOHN
Your name please, sign here –
NICK-
Just a moment- is it for me, really? My name is Don Pardo. Is this free?
DOCTOR
You’re name isn’t Don Pardo.
NICK
Is that who it’s for?
DOC
You’re Nick Scott.
JOHN
If you’re name is Don Pardo, then I drive a white van.
DOC
It’s Nick.
He signs it.
Of course it’s for Nick. Let me get you a soda my friend!
NICK
Doctor, please let him stay and see what’s in the box! If it’s allowed… will you stay?
JOHN
Yes!
Nick hands John a coke.
NICK
Here-
JOHN
Thank you, it’s nice and cold. I guess a break from my route couldn’t hurt.
Nick opens the box with excitement.
NICK
Fresh bakery. Here take some cookies- please!
DOC
Thank you!
JOHN
I shouldn’t!
Just then a woman appears from down the hall. As she walks by she calls the doctor’s name. With cookies, He steps out into the hall.
NICK
(Going crazy)
Oh, I’ve got to show Doc this! How perfectly comforting…
It’s a teddy bear! Oh, it’s perfect, and it’s mine!
He begins cradling it and petting it’s head.
John is eating cookies.
JOHN
A present, look at that.
These cookies are very good. Thank your Ma. I don’t usually have cookies with nuts. Say, when do you get out of here?
Well, I’ve got to be going … is that the bathroom?
NICK
Sure. Just don’t leave.
I’m nuts I tell you… I have an identity disorder because Mama never gave me one of these when I was a kid. W-a-a-! Teddy! W-a-a-, Mama!
He opens the teddy bear and takes a gun out of it.
Ha, ha! Take this, I’ll show you! Stay quiet, get in that bathroom!
JOHN
Uh- oh, No! Don’t mess me around! It was only a joke I was telling!
NICK
Undress or I’ll shoot you in the nuts!
JOHN
Shit! You can’t be serious!
Nick hold the gun on him
Give me your clothes.
JOHN
Ugh!
Nick slugs him and knocks him out, John loses consciousness and then shuts John in the bathroom. He dresses in the uniform and escapes outside. No one is the wiser. He jumps into the Fed Ex van and drives off laughing.
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Hi Kathleen,
Wow! A lot to unpack in this scene. So much suspense, and twists. I like that Nick’s, confidence giving and conniving traits are shown. However the rebellious trait comes out only after he commits to his escape. John was daring to go into the ward by being distrustful of the establishment, however he showed no distrust of Nick, even after he lied about his name. Nick’s subtext didn’t really come though for me, and John’s subtext was not fully explored. I got lost at the end with who was talking as there wasn’t a character header for some of the dialogue. You did hit so many of the interest techniques and the essence came through slightly. I did not get that John was talked into letting his guard down. Try adding some more intense dialogue with the main two, it seemed that everything happened a little too fast and was a bit confusing. Drag out the dialogue and it should make it less confusing and even more suspenseful. Good job all around though, I can’t wait to see how this comes full circle.
Best
Doug
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Rewrite for QE Cycle #2 Scene
Logline: Nick faces John, a fellow agent, and attempts to extract information.
Essence: Two agents, Nick and John, have to protect their own individual interests and assets.
Scene:
EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – NIGHT
JOHN (30) searches the dark perimeter with flashlight in hand. He checks behind him in all directions. No one.
He reaches a dirt patch and takes out his cell phone. Nods as if to say “I’ve found it.” He sets the flashlight on the ground and begins to unearth something…
NICK (O.S.)
You were always the best.
NICK (45), with a smirk, startles John and marches toward him. He records on his cell phone video of John digging.
John immediately stops digging.
NICK
You never wanted help. Even with the most dangerous assignments.
JOHN
You’re calling this an assignment?
John hops to his feet with flashlight in hand.
NICK
I made you into the agent you are, John.
Nick takes out a candy bar and tosses it to John. John catches it, surprised by the gesture. Pockets the candy.
JOHN
And I’ve given the agency my full allegiance. Without reservation, always.
NICK
Why would you be at this location? Without backup?
JOHN
Mumford said to come alone. What’s this questioning? Why are you here?
NICK
I need the name of your asset.
Unbeknownst to John and Nick, a figure in the distant shadows observes the exchange.
JOHN
I can’t do that. At least not now.
NICK
You don’t want a poor evaluation? Which could derail your career.
JOHN
You never played by the rules.
Nick winces in disgust.
NICK
I am the senior officer here.
JOHN
Exactly. You should set the example for all of us.
NICK
Are you going to cooperate?
JOHN
At this point I should be asking you the same.
Nick glances at the ground where John was digging.
NICK
The name I’m looking for is dug up.
John kicks dirt on the patch.
NICK
You never make things easy.
Nick places his cell phone inside his jacket’s pocket. Then flexes as he makes two fists.
JOHN
We’re on the same team, Nick.
NICK
Take out what you have hidden.
John in defiance kicks more dirt on the patch.
JOHN
There’s nothing there. Just dirt.
Nick lunges toward the patch. But is shoved to the side by John.
JOHN
This is gonna look bad for both of us.
NICK
You can save yourself. Your choice.
John notices Nick inching towards the dirt patch.
JOHN
Alright, Nick. My asset is Darcy Snow. She works at the embassy as a liaison for the foreign press.
Nick studies John, circumspect.
NICK
That’s your only asset.
John nods.
JOHN
This is a new assignment. One that takes time.
Nick offers another smirk.
NICK
That wasn’t so hard.
FOOTSTEPS emerge from the darkness. Both John and Nick turn and watch Mumford (35) approach.
NICK
Mumford. I should’ve known. You two now in cahoots?
MUMFORD
Just walk away.
NICK
I never just walk away.
Nick proceeds to investigate the unearthed item. This time John’s shove turns into a scuffle with Nick.
Both men engage in a hand-to-hand military style combat. Mumford looks on ready to jump in at any moment.
Nick overpowers John who fights to protect his interests.
Nick lands a punch as John rolls over the patch. He quickly unearths what seems to be a FIREARM and points it at Nick.
NICK
You’ll never be able to make things right. Think for a second.
Nick lunges. BANG! A shot to the chest. Nick DROPS and lies motionless.
JOHN
Now you know what was hidden.
Mumford shakes his head, distressed.
JOHN
How do we explain this?
MUMFORD
Ms. Snow’s cover is paramount. No matter what happened.
John picks up a sealed folder from the dirt patch.
MUMFORD
He crossed the line many times. This was inevitable.
John takes out his cell phone as he and Mumford stare at each other and then Nick’s body.
MUMFORD
We’ll just tell the truth.
John makes the call as the severity of the undertaking looms over them.
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