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Day 9 Assignments
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PS80 DAY 9 BOB SMITHS DIALOGUE ON THE ATTACK NOVEMBER 5 2021
“What did I learn doing this assignment?”
Traits and subtext are guide to attack dialogue/good dialogue.
LIST OF CHARACTERS – THEIR TRAITS AND SUBTEXTS:
EMIL JANNINGS
Traits: Jealous, imperious, fearful (about his possible loss of star-staus and loss of a future in acting.
Subtext: Deceitful and manipulative.
MARLENE DIETRICH
Traits: Ambitios, reative, subservient (to director, von Sternberg).
Subtext: Domineering (publically); subservient to von Sternberg; contemptuous
of Jannings.
JOSEF von STERNBERG
Traits: Perfectionist, artistic, exacting.
Subtext: Demanding.
* *
INT. STUDIO THE SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
The scene is the dressing room. There is a bed. Present: EMIL JANNINGS, HANS ALBERS, MARLENE DIETRICH and JOSEPH von STERNBERG.
Von Sternberg is O.S. directing from behind the camera.
STERNBERG (O.S.)
All right. Just like in the German. In this scene, Professor you are pathologically angry because you have just caught Lola in the arms of Mazepa the strongman. Your wife is making you a cuckold, Emil. You strangle her and throw her on the bed.
(calling instructions)
All right. Camera.
OSCAR
Rolling.
STERNBERG
Sound.
SOUND ENGINEER
Sound.
STERNBERG
Slate.
A CREWMAN with the slate, enters, and holds the slate up to the camera.
CREWMAN
“The Blue Angel” English. Scene 42, take one/
The crewman slaps the upper board of the slate to the bottom and exits.
STERNBERG
Action.
Jannings stands in the dressing room doorway and crows like a rooster, then assaults Dietrich.
strangles her and throws her on the bed. He had over-acted and actually strangled her. Dietrich starts to cough and grab her neck.
Von Sternberg is O.S. directing from behind the camera.
STERNBERG (O.S.)
Cut!
JANNINGS
Oh, Marlene, I am so very sorry.
Dietrich continues to hold her throat and caught.
STERNBERG
Where’s the studio Medic?
(to Dietrich)
How do you feel?
DIETRICH
I am angry.
JANNINGS
At me, I don’t blame you.
DIETRICH
I am angry at myself.
STERNBERG
Why?
DIETRICH
Because at first I played along for the
sake of the scene. But then, I could have
decked him with my right cross.
The MEDIC enters.
Dietrich tries to sooth her neck. The Medic examines here while von Sternberg looks on.
MEDIC
Bruises are forming.
STERNBERG
(calling)
Make-up.
The Make-up artist enters and applies face make-up to Dietrich’s neck bruises. She winces while he applies it.
JANNINGS
I am truly sorry.
STERNBERG
We shall have to reshoot.
MEDIC
I recommend that Miss Dietrich rest.
DIETRICH
No. I can do the scene, provided Herr Jannings doesn’t
over-act.
JANNINGS
You have my word.
STERNBERG
(announcing an order)
All right. Everybody clear the set, except
For Herr Jannings and Miss Dietrich.
Albers lingers.
STERNBERG
(to Albers.)
You too, Hans. This is only for the director and the
actors in the take.
With some hasitation, Albers exits.
ERICH POMMER enters and crosses to Sternberg.
POMMER
I am the producer. I have a right to remain and
see just what’s going on.
STERNBERG
You stay and interfere with my actors, I am leaving
for America tonight. Now, go. I guarantee, you
will have a great motion picture.
Pommer reluctantly exits.
Only Jannings, Dietrich, and Sternberg remain. Sternberg begins an appeal to them.
STERNBERG
I have never seen rancor among actors come
this close to sabotaging a production. Do that
and you have no movie in which to star, Emil.
And Marlene: You lose a stepping stone to global
stardom. And I have wasted months to make
Germany’s first talkie and a hit for Paramount.
JANNINGS
What do you propose?
STERNBERG
We all want the same thing but it cannot
be achieved without our being partners in
order to make it happen. Whatever went on
till this moment, forget it and start over on
the right foot. Let’s pledge ourselves to each
other as creative partners. (You should have
no quarrels with such a pledge, Emil.) Do you
concur with me and pledge?
JANNINGS
I concur and I pledge. And I apologize
from my heart, Marlene.
DIETRICH
Accepted. I also concur and pledge.
STERNBERG
Excellent. Now, let’s finish a great
motion picture. Marlene, do you feel
up to doing a re-shoot.
DIETRICH
Wouldn’t the present footage suffice?
STERNBERG
We’’ll have to check the rushes. So,
Marlene, you take a break and we’ll proceed
with the straight jacket scene. Call back
the crew to the set, and – of course – Albers.
DIETRICH
You’re the boss.
Dietrich exits.
DIETRICH (O. S.)
(calling)
Everybody back on the set.
Dietrich enters. Just behind her are Hans Albers and Hans Schneeberger, assistant camera man, enter.
Dietrich grabs her wrap and exits.
DIETRICH
I’ll be in my dressing room.
STERNBERG
Heer Schneeberger, check the gate.
SCHNEEBERGER
Will do.
STERNBERG
Herr Albers, the straight jacket scene is next.
ALBERS
Jawol, Herr Direktor.
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Budinscak Dialog on the Attack!
What I learned doing this assignment is:
o I’m looking forward to taking the voices in my head and putting them down on paper.
o No exposition needed, it’s all about character and story.
o The characters did their own talking today.
Jack – Protagonist
Basic Traits:
Condescending
Street Smart
Showman/Slick
Selfish
Subtext: – Conniving
Don Vito – Antagonist
Basic Traits:
Dictatorial
Aloof/arrogant
Sneaky
Narcissist
Subtext: Underhanded.
Setup: Don Vito’s men claim Jack saw them unload the body bag from the hearse. As Jack crosses the parking lot later that night, those same men grab Jack and escort him to an office.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT
Don Vito sits in a big chair behind a fancy desk and Jack sits across from him in an uncomfortable chair.
On a table sit a loaf of bread labeled “F H” and multiple meals Jack brought with him from the restaurant.
DON VITO
Jack, you bring goodies, how nice. What else did you bring?
JACK
Aside from a great baked ziti, your favorite – bread with bread.
Jack yanks the bread from the bag labeled “F H” and separates the loaf exposing a wad of cash.
JACK
We hit a few winners.
DON VITO
I bet. How’s the ziti?
JACK
It’s a winner.
DON VITO
I used to love your nonna’s calamari.
JACK
It was always fresh.
DON VITO
Like it fell off a truck?
JACK
It jumped in the boat.
DON VITO
What else?
JACK
I don’t know nothing else. Why?
DON VITO
Meh. I hear things, the workers talk.
JACK
And what do they say?
DON VITO
They say you saw them earlier this evening.
JACK
I don’t know what they’re talking about.
DON VITO
So you think they lied to me?
JACK
I didn’t say that?
DON VITO
So you think they lie to me as some kind of joke? You think this is funny?
JACK
No, not what I said.
DON VITO
Then just what the fuck are you saying?
JACK
What I’m saying …
DON VITO
Cuz if these fucks want to lie to me, I’ll kill them right here and nobody would ever know. You know why?
JACK
Because you can dispose of the bodies right here in your brother’s funeral home?
DON VITO
Laughs. I always liked you Jack, you were my favorite of the DiLuna kids.
JACK
Thank you.
The Don calls in the MEN who struggled removing the body bag from the hearse. He signals for one MAN to step forward.
DON VITO
Jack, you hold this man’s life in your hands. If you lie, he dies. I’m going to ask you one last time, what did you see this evening.
JACK
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Don Vito nods and the two men drag the one man away.
JACK
Stop!
The men stop and turn to Jack. Jack gets up and slaps the man being held.
JACK
I won’t tolerate anyone lying to Don Vito.
Jack walks back to his chair and sits down in a humph.
JACK
But …. I did hear a cat scream about that time. And I know, again, you know … it’s happened where a homeless guy – let’s call him Ray – will nose around the dumpster sometimes. Now I’m not saying your guys saw Ray, but I am saying that sometimes Ray hangs around the dumpster. And if he was hanging around the dumpster, he may have stepped on a cat’s tail. But I don’t know if it was Ray or not, but he does show up sometimes.
Don Vito and his men simply look at Jack and shake their heads.
DON VITO
You’ve talked and said nothing. Now what?
JACK
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and let him go.
DON VITO
Would you?
Jack nods
JACK
It’s the right choice.
DON VITO
Right choice, hmmm. Jack, I need a favor.
JACK
What can I do?
DON VITO
I need you to deliver a package on my behalf.
JACK
Where to?
DON VITO
I can promise you beautiful weather and new casinos to hone your gambling skills.
JACK
I love Atlantic City. And what do I get in return?
DON VITO
I won’t burn your fucking restaurant to the ground.
Jack and Don Vito eye one another and hold their stare until Jack nods in agreement.
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Armand Dialogue on The Attack!
Situation: Tyler tries to warn the college kids to leave before the killer gets them. He finds a way to communicate with Lex, the goth teen sister of one of the college kids.
Character Name: TYLER (THE GHOST)
Subtext: He can’t admit he’s scared so his pride pushes him to show bravado in front of Lex.
Basic character traits:
Arrogant, Belittling
Cowardly
Sarcastic
Romantic
Scared
In Denial
Character: LEX (GOTH TEEN)
Subtext: Wants a true connection with her sister Dallas, it’s very sensitive but hides it under a prickly attitude
Basic character traits:
Confident
Curious/Impulsive
Sarcastic/Prickly
Sensitive
INT. LEX’S ROOM – NIGHT
Tyler materializes in front of Lex. She backs down for a beat. Intrigued, she approaches him.
LEX
You’re a ghost? You look like a character from Dawson’s Creek.
TYLER
Goth Nancy Drew is on the case. Come on, we need to get you all out of here—
LEX
I have questions!
TYLER
There’s no time for Q&As, Marilyn Manson. The killer is here!
LEX
Who is Marilyn Manson?
TYLER
Did you hear me, the killer is here. We need to get you and your friends out.
LEX
They’re not my friends.
TYLER
Whatever, we need to get everyone out before is too late.
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Rob Bertrand’s Dialogue on the Attack!
What I learned: I learned that dialogue is not plot or plot development. Dialogue should be a series of attacks/counter attacks.
Protagonist: Annie Andrews
Basic Character Traits: Sarcastic, Quick Temper, Sensitive Soul that has a Hidden Strength and aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something (She’s gay.)
Antagonist: Danny Laplante
Basic Character Traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerously Obsessed.
Subtext: Plotting/Scheming
SCENE
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie and Danny stand awkwardly together, in line for the Ferris Wheel. Danny nervously bites at a hangnail.
DANNY
I just can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose your mom like that. That must’ve been horrific!Annie is taken back.
ANNIE
Uh? Yeah. This…this line doesn’t seem to be moving.DANNY
Good. It gives us more time together.Annie’s phone buzzes in her pocket. She discreetly checks it.
JOCELYN (TEXT)
How’s it going?ANNIE (TEXT)
OMG! This is torture! 🙁DANNY
Who are you talking to? You got another boyfriend I should be worried about?Annie hides her phone screen.
ANNIE
Oh, uh…just checking on my little sister. She’s, uh…She’s just wondering when I’ll be home.Annie and Danny reach the head of the line.
The Ferris wheel grinds to a stop. The RIDE OPERATOR lifts the safety bar and motions for Annie and Danny to take a seat.
DANNY
After you, beautiful.Annie winces.
As Annie sits down, Danny whispers to the Ride Operator. Both men smile and nod in agreement.
Danny takes a seat, closer to Annie than she’d like.
The Ride Operator lowers the safety bar and pushes a button. The chair lurches backwards over the sound of GRINDING METAL.
DANNY
Here we go…At the peak of the Ferris Wheel, Annie gets a view of the entire fair. She looks around for Jocelyn and Jessica.
DANNY
Your dad sure was pissed.ANNIE
Huh?DANNY
Your dad. I could hear you guys screaming at each other from the street.ANNIE
Really? Shit, that’s embarrassing. I mean…he wasn’t pissed. That’s just how we talk to each other.DANNY
Don’t be embarrassed. He’s right. Therapy would be good for you.Annie is mortified.
ANNIE
Longest Ferris Wheel ride ever.DANNY
Therapy made me who I am today.ANNIE
Yeah, and who’s that, Danny?Danny smiles, revealing neglected teeth.
DANNY
The man of your dreams, Annie. Your whole world changed the second you met me.The Ferris Wheel stops, with Annie and Danny at the peak. Annie is speechless.
DANNY
Wow, look at that view.Annie’s phone buzzes. She quickly checks.
JOCELYN (TEXT)
I see you! Hang in there!DANNY
Tell me about your mom?ANNIE
Sorry…one sec. My sister…Annie types lightening fast.
ANNIE (TEXT)
Dude! All he wants to talk about is my mom!Danny fights irritation and puts on a fake smile.
DANNY
Was she a good mom?ANNIE
Yeah. Yeah, she was.
(angry)
Why aren’t we moving?Annie peers down at the Ride Operator, who appears to be chatting with some teenage girls.
DANNY
A mom is the heart of the family. Don’t ya’ think?ANNIE
More like…the glue that holds a family together. But, I feel you.DANNY
I feel you too.Danny reaches for Annie’s hand, but she deftly moves it away.
DANNY
You ever think that maybe the wrong parent died?ANNIE
(angry)
What? Why would you–DANNY
–Be honest.Annie thinks about it.
ANNIE
(angry)
I dunno, Danny. That’s…that’s just a fucked-up thing to ask someone.Danny laughs.
DANNY
That’s a big yes. You should see your face. I must’a struck a nerve. I only ask because I often had that same thought when my mom died. My dad took it really hard.ANNIE
I bet you miss her. What was she like–Danny changes the subject.
DANNY
–Annie? I really like you.Annie turns away, to hide a snicker. When she turns back, Danny comes in for a kiss. Annie pulls away, her face a mask of revulsion.
ANNIE
Danny, I thought we agreed to meet as friends?DANNY
I know you feel something too.Annie shakes her head.
ANNIE
We talked about this, Danny. I’m not interested in…dating, right now.Danny smiles.
DANNY
I can wait for you.ANNIE
You’re going to be waiting a long time.Danny’s smile disappears and his body language grows tense.
DANNY
Did you see her?Annie is confused.
ANNIE
See who?DANNY
Your mom’s body after she died? What did that feel like? Seeing her like that? Was her face fucked up?Annie is startled when the Ferris Wheel begins moving again.
CUT TO:
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I am having a lot of trouble keeping up and working on huge structural documents in failing formats at the same time. I understand that this assignment is an argument and negotiation with subtext so I put it here and will transfer it to the huge outline once I can do the right screenwriting format.
Ibrahim fears the water. He grew up in Mecca, in the Saudi Arabian desert. He never wanted to look foolish flapping in the Summit swimming pool like a baby. BB grew up swimming in city pools, so Ibrahim enlists him for swimming lessons, in part to get his mind off the fire that killed his beloved son. BB is now on top of this relationship, the teacher instead of the servant. They work on Ibrahim’s new eco boat, equipped with a saltwater swimming pool in the early evening when no one is looking. BB has him doing the flutter kick on the sides and with boards or even holding BB’s hands. Sometimes he stands on the deck holding a rope that is tied around Ibrahim’s waist with a flotation device so that he gets used to moving rhythmically in a horizontal position. Like rock climbing, there is an element of trust in this collaboration. Ibrahim panics, swallows water, sinks, and tries again, gently encouraged in BB’s quiet, methodical way. Psychopaths can have a soft side. Then he shows off his crawl, breaststroke, and backstroke as Ibrahim shivers on the deck. They never talk much. This
is<ins cite=”mailto:Julia%20Keefer” datetime=”2021-10-20T13:12″>was never</ins> a linguistic relationship. As they part to shower, Ibrahim goes to his luxurious, private quarters, and BB is left to clean the deck and shower there.
BB looks in the mirror naked. His penis will never rise again. He is disgusted with this useless tool. His shoulders and legs are fine but not the remnants of past crimes. Now is the time for the biggest change of his life. He spent his youth killing and raping women, violating their bodies right after death when they couldn’t fight back. What if he were a woman, more connected to earth, water, food, and maybe, love<ins cite=”mailto:Julia%20Keefer” datetime=”2021-10-20T13:13″>? </ins>.Older women live longer than older men. Their impotency is not as visible.
He lacks the funds for such an expensive surgery, at least forty grand without any frills. Ibrahim will say no or maybe, maybe he could be persuaded, that an elderly hit woman is more effective <ins cite=”mailto:Julia%20Keefer” datetime=”2021-10-20T13:13″>than a</ins> senile hit man. Or could he persuade Ibrahim to send him to Thailand and combine sex reassignment with a sailing adventure? It might be risky, such a long trip. The best surgeons are in Manhattan.
Ibrahim is a Muslim and sex changes are haram in Islam though they didn’t exist during Mohammad’s time. But surely drag and cross dressing existed somewhere. It was popular in Shakespeare’s time. Ibrahim already lost his faith when he lost his wife and son so he might agree. He certainly has the money. It’s all about his goals now. BB must convince him that this change is in the best interests of his service to the STEMGARCHS.
“It is easier for a woman to kill,” BB explains calmly to Ibrahim as they sit over dinner in the backyard of his Tudor mansion. Because of the successful swim lessons, BB has been upgraded to trusted employee, not just servant and secret hit man. There is a long silence.
“I researched it thoroughly. You can send me to Thailand, or we could do it in Manhattan with the best. It is easy to hide anywhere in Manhattan.”
Ibrahim nods thoughtfully, “You did it for years. So did Litonya in a different way.”
BB is uncomfortable with the silence but waits for Ibrahim to make the next move.
“How much?”
“Fifty grand for a man to a woman but age can—”
Ibrahim cuts him off like our rocks cut things. “I will give you a hundred thousand for the surgery, complications, and recovery, but never tell me the details. Let me enjoy the sunset.”
BB nods instead of thanking him because this is a business deal, not charity. Empathy and compassion are not part of their relationship.
“I will email you a billing address and check everything. Guess you get a holiday from the company’s jobs.”
BB winks slightly, “I never take holidays. I will work throughout the rehab so feel free to send me jobs. Next time you see me, call me Betty.”
He disappears into the night. Ibrahim is left alone fiddling with his phone. Then he retires to his office to connect on a desktop where he can open multiple windows and juggle complex projects to empower himself. His job is about money and power, about staying on top, and eventually about the genetic transformations that will put their brains above the others. He puts a genetics book on top of the Koran, a sacrilege he never did before.P.S. I promise to make Ibrahim scream NO the first time and be persuaded in the script. Or maybe BB can ask for forty grand for something else, lying about the sex change, until Ibrahim suspects what it is. Yes, lying is better.
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Janeen’s Dialogue on The Attack!
What did I learn doing this assignment? I learned that keeping a dialogue interesting to viewers must include keeping the thrust and parry going throughout.
Characters:
Morgan Day – Insecure, Curious/Eager to learn, Perfectionist, Bold under pressure. Subtext is Intimidated and Crafty
Gavin Day — Cool, Determined, Domineering, Proud. Subtext is Lonely, Insecure.
INT. MORGAN’S HOME – EVENING
MORGAN DAY, beautiful, high fashion couture, sits at her writing desk in a nook of an elegantly furnished living room. Absorbed in a Waterman Method book, she is taking notes, pondering and then writing again.
GAVIN DAY, quintessential successful author, fifteen years Morgan’s senior, relaxes on a rich leather couch.
Gavin switches off the TV.
GAVIN
What have you been working on all night?MORGAN
I’m trying to help Richard’s wife.Trying to give her the courage and strength to leave that monster.
Gavin draws close to Morgan, putting his hands on her shoulders and massaging gently.
GAVIN
That “monster” has a restrainingorder against you.
Gavin leans down to nuzzle Morgan’s neck as she speaks.MORGAN
The order only says I can’t get in direct contact with Amber, that I have to keep away from their property or business and that I have to stay away from their “persons”. It doesn’t say I can’t think about them.Morgan rises, turning to slip into Gavin’s arms. Gavin kisses her and looks into her eyes.
GAVIN
Are you thinking about them now?Who?
MORGAN
GAVIN That’s better.
They kiss deeply. Morgan pulls away a bit after the kiss, looking down.
MORGAN
I need to help her, Gavin.She looks him full in the eye.
MORGAN (CONT’D)
He beats her. I can’t do nothing.Gavin puts his hands on her shoulders.
GAVIN
I think you should stay out of it. If he’s as violent as you say, it’s dangerous to proceed.She begins to object, but he stops her.
GAVIN (CONT’D)
Even if you’re helping his wife, it’s unethical. She pulls away from him.MORGAN Unethical. What do you mean?
GAVIN
You’ve told me this Waterman stuffis for healing. It’s unethical to treat someone without their permission.
MORGAN
I couldn’t contact her to get her permission so she doesn’t know anything about it.Gavin comes closer again and puts his hands on her shoulders and speaks with confident seduction in his voice.
GAVIN
Don’t think about them. Think about me.MORGAN
If I had a restraining order against you, would that prohibit you from even thinking about me?Gavin pulls her in close, kissing her cheeks and neck.
GAVIN
Nothing could do that for me. Would it stop you?MORGAN
Stop me from thinking about thesexiest writer on earth with his warm, sensuous hands, irresistable lips and mesmerizing eyes?
She kisses him quickly on the lips and steps toward the door.
MORGAN (CONT’D) And no law can prevent me from thinking about Amber and how awful Daniel’s being to her. I have to do whatever I can and not even you can stop me from thinking about her in “helpful” ways.
Daniel straightens at the blatant rejection of his charms.
DANIEL Not even me?
MORGAN
Not if I’m naked in bed and you’re still down here.They both laugh and she playfully pulls the door shut after her as she leaves the room.
In the hallway, she is angry for herself.
MORGAN (CONT’D)
I’m not a doctor. It’s not like I’m treating her in the traditional sense.She stops at the foot of the stairs, dejected, confused.
The door opens behind her and she quickly brightens and dashes up the stairs, laughing seductively.
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What I learned doing this assignment is attack/counterattack is the best method for creating dialogue, especially for main characters, but it should be used in every scene. Avoid on the nose, bland dialogue.
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Elizabeth’s Dialogue on The Attack!
What I learned: to focus on every single line—from many angles.
Jewels’ subtext in this scene: she understands that Ed could lighten up, play and enjoy life more if he felt safe there’s something that’s bigger than he is—but if she’s too on-the-nose with the message, he’ll bat it away.
Ed’s subtext: there are things he feels too guilty, mad and embarrassed about to share.
Ed’s Basic Traits (main ensemble protagonist)
· Responsible
· Avoidant – and restless as a consequence (subtext)
· Caring
· Connecting (his extreme trait)
Jewels’ Basic Traits (the minister, B story – the very minimally advanced -love story)
· Impressionistic (her extreme trait)
· Joyful/bubbly/exuberant
· Grounded/centered, thereby trusting (subtext – sees things not everyone can)
· Sensual
INT. DILAPIDATED CHURCH – DAY
A broken window behind her. Jewels with a saw, plywood over 2 X 4’s between two sawhorses, is about to cut as—
Ed rushes in like he’s being poked in the butt with a broomstick.
ED
Grace won’t answer my calls.
He stops. Shocked. Jewels’ impeccable technique—
ED
(Processing what he sees)
I—can’t leave things like this.
Jewels sets down the saw. Pushes back her muffs.
JEWELS
You’re asking for help?
Ed eyes the split floorboards. The rock and broken glass. Jewels’ vibrant dress in the dust. Feels absurd.
ED
Yes. Apparently.
Jewels moves toward Ed.
JEWELS
(Warmly)
Grace needs you.
ED
I know. That’s why I’m here.
Close now, Jewels opens her arms. To hug him?
JEWELS
You need her.
Ed steps back.
ED
Well, it’s not like—
Reminiscent of the Matrix’s Oracle as she interrupts—
JEWELS
No you do. What you don’t know is why. But give this a try—.
Her hands upturn, maybe to take his? Ed scissor-steps back into the second pew. A pew between them that—
Jewels rests a hand on as she leans forward. Ed’s remaining retreat option: he sits. And—
Immediately feels the aisle-side of his bench slip. A jolting CATCH as Ed’s hands clench the bench and—
JEWELS
(Barely reacting)
You’re a band member trying to conduct.
ED
(As much about the bench)
Whaaat?
JEWELS
Or an actor who wants to direct—if we keep with the family theatrics.
Ed’s bench GROANS. Soft, but adds to Ed’s agitation as he—
Moves a support hand to the back of the front pew. Far from Jewels as he can.
ED
(Uncharacteristically snark)
They teach obtuse speech in Divinity School?
(And)
Aren’t you concerned about—
Jewels is not. As she lowers herself, her lovely bosom passes before Ed’s eyes. Stops him cold as—
A louder GROAN. A whole pew section shifts when she sits.
JEWELS
Or to be scientific: a student who believes he should teach.
Ed stands.
ED
Metaphors are not science.
(And)
This bench is not safe.
(And)
I came to you because—
Motionless as a mountain as she interrupts—
JEWELS
When you always try to conduct, you never get to play.
Suddenly Jewels SHRIEKS—as if on a roller coaster. Leaps up. Her bench falls—
SMACKS the floor, and—
Dust rises, dances in the jagged light of a broken window.
JEWELS
(A smile)
Well. Always more work.
ED
Good Lord.
JEWELS
Oh, yes!
ED
You need the maintenance crew.
JEWELS
What fun is that?
Another CRASH (OS) in the sacristy. A chain reaction? As—
ED
(Startled rage)
You know!
Suddenly it’s QUIET. Ed stuffing his feelings to where they’ve long-time been. A remnant of hysteria, only in his eyes—
Held by Jewels’. A witness to what he can not hide.
Ed steps out of the pew.
ED
I give up.
JEWELS
(Gently)
I know.
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Jodi’s Dialogue on The Attack!
Dialogue from our characters traits, profile and attack/counterattack keeps the story moving forward without the device of exposition. Finding ways to tell the story through the tool of dialogue through character, should make our story much more interesting.
Pamela Karras – Compassionate, Tenacious, Aggressive, Logical
Elizabeth Baily – Loving, both Assertive and Aggressive, Revengeful
SUBTEXT: Pam doesn’t want to arrest Elizabeth. Elizabeth wants to be arrested ending the craziness of her revenge vendetta.
After Steven’s arrest, Pam finds out that the leader of the vigilante burglar ring attacking the bounty hunters is Elizabeth. Pam must arrest her. Elizabeth is now also an accessory to murder.
EXT. ELIZABETH’S HOME – DAY
Elizabeth now lives in a much nicer neighborhood and in a bigger home. Beautiful trees and flowers line the walkway of terra cotta. Pam and her partner knock on Elizabeth’s door.
PAM
Go around the back.
EXT. ELIZABETH’S HOME – SAME
Elizabeth answers the door.
ELIZABETH
Ah, Barney Fife, coming to tell me something I already know.
PAM
Why? I told you I’d find Karen’s killer. Why, have you done this, now you’re going to jail, that’s no justice for Karen.
ELIZABETH
Justice!? You and your pathetic good for nothings weren’t going to do a thing about my girl’s killer! Do you know how many times I went down to your precinct to give them the information I found out about Crusher, to tell them he killed my little girl? Do you think they cared!? Do you think they listened!?
PAM
Elizabeth, listen to me. We don’t know for sure he did it. The case can fall apart and he’ll go scott free. Do you want that?
ELIZABETH
You did know that sleazy piece of shit Redneck admitted he was the guy who killed my Karen, right!? Why didn’t you geniuses know that!?
PAM
Here-say is not enough. It’s hard to prove he caused the accident.
ELIZABETH
We have it on tape!
PAM
I promise you, if he’s the guy I will get him, but right now I regret to say that you are under arrest.
ELIZABETH
Too little, too late!
EXT. ELIZABETH’S HOME – SAME
Elizabeth submits her hands palm side up to Pam. Pam takes Elizabeth’s arm and turns her around and starts to gently cuff her with her hands behind her back.
PAM
You are charged for racketeering and as an accessory to murder. You have the right to remain silent.
ELIZABETH
You can’t stop us. There’ll be more like me.
PAM
Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have–
ELIZABETH
We won’t stop until the blood-sucking vultures stop taking from our misfortunes.
PAM
The right to have an attorney present during–
EXT. ELIZABETH’S HOME – SAME
Pam is walking her towards the police car, her partner joins her.
ELIZABETH
(Shouting) I will not stop until I get justice for my Karen’s murder!
PAM
Any questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you.
EXT. POLICE CAR – SAME
Pam puts her in the police car, she is very careful with her.
ELIZABETH
(Shouting) This is the way justice will be
carried out now! -
PS 80 Michelle Damis Dialogue on the Attack
What I learned from this assignment is that once I get going it starts to flow. I really like this technique and look forward to implementing more.
INT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Ted meets his friend asks if he is following him and the humans. Oddly defensive, Ted threatens, Nina interrupts. Ted surprised.
NINA
Can I talk to you?
TED
Technically you are.
NINA
I am what?
TED
Talking to me.
NINA
(Rolls eyes)Oh my God you are one of the intolerable smart-asses, aren’t you. (the gloves start to come off)
TED
I have been called intolerable more than once.
NINA
Never mind. Listen, I’ll cut to the chase,
TED
(interrupting) Please do.
NINA
ARRGH…I just wanted to let you know that if you do ANYTHING to my parents I will hunt you down and kill you!
TED
Interesting (looking amused/confused)
NINA
What?
TED
Oh, Nothing (but he is baiting the hook)
NINA
Whaaat?
TED
Well, It’s just that they seemed so relieved to be rid of you and here you are acting like their savior or something.
NINA
Relieved? What are you talking about?
TED
The only reason I’m even there… is so that you aren’t.
NINA
You aren’t even making sense.
TED
You are right. It doesn’t make sense. It makes no sense at all that two loving parents are willing to have a complete stranger live in their house so that their daughter can live elsewhere.
NINA
It makes total sense! I NEED to live in the city to get a job and they can’t afford it otherwise.
TED
OH, OK. (shrugs it off like he believes her, starts to turn away)
NINA
Oh, No you don’t.. What do you know? (Suspicious)
**This will continue like siblings fighting and he will set her straight on her behavior, she will be mad and storm out.
***I gave myself only so much time to do this assignment and I’ve got to move on now.
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Amy’s Dialogue on The Attack!
What I learned doing this assignment is I could stand to have a better handle on my characters. Andrea is taking shape, but Josh is kind of vague. I can definitely see how trying to write a scene this way makes it a lot more interesting.
Andrea
Basic character traits: well-spoken, image conscience, playful, competitive
Want/Need: Wants to become a network anchor, wants Josh and her kids back, needs to feel validated
Paradoxes: Wants to be a good wife and mother but also wants a demanding career
Secret: She once gave a co-worker the wrong directions to a story location so that she could beat her to the story
Flaw: She can be selfish
Special: She was the ugly duckling at school until her braces came off and her acne went away, then she became one of the popular girls.
Josh
Basic character traits: inquisitive, honest to a fault, dad jokes, his kids’ biggest cheerleader
Want/need: Wants to do right by the people in his life, needs to feel like he’s number one to his partner
Paradoxes: He is a hardcore rule follower, tough on crime, but also a softie when it comes to his family
Secret: He once hid the details of a crime to keep a family from being torn apart.
Flaw: Has a temper
Special: He comes from a long line of men who were notoriously good at solving crimes.
INT. –NEWSROOM – MAKEUP ROOM -NIGHT
Newsroom employees can be seen through the door scurrying back and forth. Something exciting is happening.
The MAKE-UP LADY is putting blush on Andrea. She finishes
Andrea punches a few buttons on her phone and puts it up to her ear.
INT. – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Josh’s phone buzzes. He picks it up and continues to stir something in a skillet.
JOSH
I hope you’re calling to tell me you’re on your way home.
INT. – NEWSROOM – MAKEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Andrea shoos the make-up lady away.
ANDREA
What are you wearing?
INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION
JOSH
Two unhappy children.
ANDREA
I have to cover this story. It could be my big break.
JOSH
I’ll miss you too.
ANDREA
But you’ll love all the money I’ll be making when I’m working for the network.
Josh sighs and hangs his head.
ANDREA
Besides, you’ll be up when I get home, right? For some quality time?
A smile spreads across Josh’s face.
JOSH
Ugh! What am I going to do with you?
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Sorry — posted in the wrong module.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Janeen Johnson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Jennifer’s Dialogue on the Attack
WHAT I LEARNED: In the end I think I chose a scene to write that was less suited to this approach than some others, but overall I think that when characters’ priorities are at odds, focusing on attack/counterattack is a useful approach overall for writing dialogue. This particular combo of characters and this particular scene feel a bit mundane right now, and I need to work on how the two characters relate verbally to one another so that it’s clear Jessica is forever wanting approval from her father and David is forever slipping in tiny digs to prod Jessica to perform like a trick pony.
CHARACTERS IN SCENE:
Jessica – protagonist
Traits:
Smart as a whip
Deeply insecure
Tries to appear perfect at all times visibly
Southern belle
Subtext: Underneath her facade of Southern graciousness, she is a smouldering cauldron of rage.
Jessica’s father David – secondary character/secondary antagonist
Traits:
Deeply into appearances
Career-focused to a fault
Never loses his cool, but gets deadly calm when upset
Pretentious as hell
Subtext: He claims to love his daughter, seems to very much in his way, but is deeply controlling of her and sees her as yet another trophy.
SCENE:
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
While Jessica’s father drills her on facts for the next academic competition as Jessica stuffs items into bag for charity, Jessica interrupts to note that just eliminating competitors isn’t working and that she’s trying to show her commitment to service outwardly. Her father encourages her to “think outside the box.” How can Jessica get ahead? A gleam in her eyes.
INT. JESSICA’S HOUSE — DAY
DAVID
What is the [need super-specific academic question here]?
JESSICA
(answers quickly and sharply)
[Correct answer]
DAVID
Yep. [Second super-specific academic question here]?
JESSICA
(answers quickly and sharply)
[Correct answer]
DAVID
You got it. What is …?
JESSICA
(interrupting)
Just winning competitions isn’t enough. I got this, Dad. Just eliminating the competition also isn’t enough.
DAVID
What do you mean — isn’t enough? Of course it is?
JESSICA
I need a way to show how outstanding I am to the scholarship committee in a way that truly knocks their socks off, and all the [XYZ] facts I memorize aren’t even remotely enough. This is a waste of my time. And of course of yours too. I know you’ve got better things to do.
DAVID
There’s a way to win without winning more, Jessica.
JESSICA
It’s not like I can gerrymander the damn electorate here.
DAVID
(smiling)
OK, OK. Maybe not. But you will be able to get ahead without it all being about beating other people in competitions. You said it yourself.
JESSICA
So what do I do? Everything I try just feels like I’m working too hard.
DAVID
Hard work is going to pay off every time, sweetie. But no, it won’t win you this scholarship. You need something different.
JESSICA
Different how?
DAVID
Work with me here, but I think you need to think outside the proverbial box.
JESSICA
Proverbial? Ugh. That phrase is so freaking dated.
David walks away. Jessica mutters to herself, thinking. Suddenly she sits up and gives a Cheshire cat grin.
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