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Day 9 Assignments
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11 Replies
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DAY 9 Being Bold: Writing with Attitude
Lisa’s Writing is Bold!
What I learned is that there are endless ways to express emotion, boldness, attitudes, character traits, etc. I get to choose, but sometimes the choosing is the hardest part.
1. ORIGINAL HALF-PAGE from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”:
INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY
Mary enters the Snowmobile shop. Tilly is going over paperwork.
MARY
Where’s Peter?
TILLY
What do you want?
MARY
To talk to Peter.
TILLY
He’s busy.
MARY (walking into the back room)
Is he in the back?
TILLY (stepping in front of Mary)
I said he was busy.
MARY (in Tilly’s face)
As you well know, “Aunt Tilly”, we have children together and when I need to talk to Pete, you’re not going to stop me.
TILLY
Well, I’m taking care of him now and you’re not going to upset him.
MARY
Mother would be so proud. (pushing by her) Peter?!
2. ATTITUDE OR EMOTION: “ANGRY DETERMINATION”
INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY
Mary storms into the Snowmobile shop and makes a beeline for the back room where Peter does the repairs. Tilly is going over paperwork at the counter.
MARY
Peter?!
TILLY
What do you want?
MARY
(ignoring) Peter! Are you back there?!
TILLY
He can’t see you today.
MARY (walking towards the back room)
Is he in the back?
TILLY (stepping in front of Mary)
I said he is busy!
MARY (in Tilly’s face)
As you well know, “Aunt Tilly”, we have children together and when I need to talk to Pete, you’re not going to stop me!
Mary pushes Tilly away.
TILLY
Well, I’m taking care of him now and you’re not going to upset him with your histrionics!
Tilly pushes Mary.
MARY
Mother would be so proud of you!
Mary being twice Tilly’s size, booty bumps Tilly out of the way. And races into the back room before Tilly can get upright again.
MARY
Ha! (running to the back) Peter?!
3. DIFFERENT ATTITUDE OR EMOTION: “SISTERLY SNARKINESS”
INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY
Mary scoots into the Snowmobile shop hoping not to see Tilly, but there she is at the counter going over paperwork.
MARY
Hi Til, where’s Peter?
TILLY
What do you want?
MARY
I need to talk to him about the girls if you don’t mind. It’s important.
TILLY
Sorry, Mar. He’s busy right now.
MARY (walking toward the back room)
Is he in the back?
TILLY (stepping in front of Mary)
I said he was busy. Come back later. (moving towards the door) I’ll tell him you stopped by.
MARY
As you well know, “Aunt Tilly”, we have children together and when I need to talk to Pete, you’re not going to stop me.
TILLY
Well, I’m taking care of him now and you’re not going to upset him. He’s doing something IMPORTANT.
MARY
(sarcastically) Mother would be so proud that you’ve taken my leftover husband. (pushing by Tilly) Peter?!
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Cameron Martin’s Writing is Bold!
What I learned doing this assignment is…I have certain emotional states that I communicate better than others, but I can still infuse my story with terror, bravery, and mystery wherever I want. I tried to do this assignment with a section I was already pretty confident in, just to make sure it was a challenge and I’d have a breakthrough. Writing fear was a little difficult at first, and I’m not supremely confident in it yet. I knew writing in a biblical style where Sully is an “avenging angel” would be a little easier just because I spent a lot of time writing in that style last year with a handful of short stories and TexAgs Radio “text of the day” submissions. I think what’ll be fun later is figuring out which direction I’d really want to go with Sully. There’s a certain natural badassitude with both Sully and Isaiah, but I don’t want to overdo it less I lose that horror aspect this script is supposed to convey. I’m looking forward to more lessons in the Horror class as well to help practice the emotions of horror and fear more.
Original…
INT. BUNKER
Sully clears past the first shelving unit, sliding onto the second one.
He holds on tight…
And with his foot pushes the first shelving until away from the wall…
Crashing it to the ground on top of other infected.
With no where else to run, Sully watches as the entire room converges on his location. a mass of bodies quickly ascend his shelving unit.
Sully spins around, pushing against the wall…
And sending the second shelving unit to the ground.
Sully, just before the unit crashes, leaps off…
Toward his bat.
The second shelving unit careens to the floor, crushing some of the infected.
Sully picks up the bat…
And is completely surrounded.
Scared…
INT. BUNKER
Sully pushes himself on an adjacent shelving unit. His heart rate feels like it might explode.
He braces himself…
Fighting through his fear as though it were a brick wall by kicking his foot into the first tower, parallel with the maw of an incoming demon.
He watches, unable to breathe, as the snarling fiends ride the shelves to the floor, crushing those caught underneath with sickening cracks and splatters.
His elbows slide off the other end – oh shit!
Sully finds himself trapped. No other units to crawl on. Nowhere to run. And the unfazed gnashing of teeth come barreling up to his tiny corner.
Sully spins…
Holding on and pushing against the wall…
And sends the second shelving unit to the ground.
Sully times his jump from the falling platform…
Aiming for the bat.
The unit careens to the floor, crushing some of the infected.
Sully picks up the bat, hands shaking it uncontrollably…
Because he’s completely surrounded.
Biblical/Avenging Angel…
INT. BUNKER
Sully maneuvers himself from the first shelving unit to an adjacent second.
He holds tight, eyes fixed on the enemy…
And smites it with one kick…
Sending the first unit down onto a group of the demons with an awful clamor of cracking skulls and bones.
No where to run – the path never clearer – as the hellish horde descends upon a lone survivor.
Sully spins on his ass, holds tight, and with all his might…
launches the second of the towering shelves away from the wall.
Time slows, though his heart never beat harder or faster. He leaps toward his target…
The bat!
The unit strikes down on a fraction of the horde, but the immediacy of their demise could be heard, and it gives the briefest solace to the slayer…
As he lifts his weapon…
And finds himself encircled by the carnivores that wouldn’t even be accepted in hell.
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Matthew Frendo’s Writing is Bold!
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned how to write description that conveys emotion to the reader. This will make future scripts more engaging and interesting for the reader.
ORIGINAL SCENE:
Halfway through, she looks up to find the smiling face of The Host looking down on her.
THE HOST
Figured you might like that.
She looks down at the burger, suspiciously, as she inches back away from him. The Host chuckles.
THE HOST
No, nothing like that. If you haven’t noticed, there are plenty of ways to kill you that aren’t so…cowardly.
She looks again at the burger, shrugs, and keeps eating, but sits farther back.
THE HOST
No, that was a gift. An offering if you will.
ALICIA
Offerings are usually made to the Gods.
THE HOST
This is a different kind. This one is for an offering of friendship.
Alicia looks at him, incredulous.
ALICIA
Friendship?
He nods enthusiastically, all smiles. Alicia sits up and tries to be nonchalant–
With Alicia’s seething anger–
Halfway through, she looks up to find the smiling face of The Host looking down on her and her eyes become lasers, only focused on him.
THE HOST
Figured you might like that.
She looks at the burger suspiciously, then hurls it at the wall. The Host chuckles.
THE HOST
No, nothing like that. If you haven’t noticed, there are plenty of ways to kill you that aren’t so…cowardly.
She looks at the burger on the ground, sets her jaw firmly and scoots her chair farther back from him. She can’t take being this close.
THE HOST
No, that was a gift. An offering if you will.
ALICIA
Offerings are usually made to the Gods.
THE HOST
This is a different kind. This one is for an offering of friendship.
Alicia’s glare turns hateful, as she hisses at him–
ALICIA
Friendship?
He nods enthusiastically, all smiles. Alicia sits up and spits in his face.
With disdain for Host–
Halfway through, she looks up to find the sneering face of The Host looking down on her.
THE HOST
Figured you might like that.
She looks down at the burger, suspiciously, as she inches back away from him. The Host chuckles like a loon.
THE HOST
No, nothing like that. If you haven’t noticed, there are plenty of ways to kill you that aren’t so…cowardly.
She looks again at the burger, shrugs, and keeps eating, but sits farther back.
THE HOST
No, that was a gift. An offering if you will.
ALICIA
Offerings are usually made to the Gods.
THE HOST
This is a different kind. This one is for an offering of friendship.
Alicia looks at him, incredulous. He just glares back with a sadistic smile. And it’s unnerving her.
ALICIA
Friendship?
He nods, eyes filled with malice and wickedness. Alicia sits up and tries to be nonchalant–
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Anna Harper Corbett Writing in Bold Day 9
What I learned from this assignment; This approach showed me new options which I l really liked.
WOOD BUFFALO HOSPITAL ANNA CORBETT
PLAIN VERSION
INT.SARAH'S BEDROOM/NIGHT
SITUATION
SARAH WARWICK'S place of work has closed down. She is a single mother without financial means. It's her birthday. Her on and off boyfriend has just dumped her, again. He cannot take on the responsibility of a child. Sarah is just off a phone call with her well- to- do parents who have refused to help her, citing the disgrace of a divorce in the family. She is desperately worried.
Sarah sits on the bed sobbing. She walks into the kitchen and takes a coffee mug out of the kitchen cabinet and a bottle of brandy.
Sarah has entered into a zombie-like state. She pours a lot of brandy into the mug. Sarah walks into the bathroom and runs a bath, steam fills the room. Sarah opens the locked bathroom cabinet and takes out a pill bottle and places it on the sink. From a drawer under the sink she takes out a razor and tries it out on her wrist. It does not seem to work.
Sarah walks into the kitchen and gets a large sharp knife out of the kitchen drawer and walks back to the bathroom with a vacant stare on her face, no longer crying. Knife in hand, she puts one foot into the bathtub, and then she hears her son scream.
NEW VERSION 1 WRITTEN WITH ENHANCED EMOTIONAL TRAUMA (FLIGHT/FREEZE)
Sarah sits on the bed her facil expression is that of a numb mask..
Sarah walks as if in slow motion to the kitchen. She takes a coffee mug out of the kitchen cabinet and a bottle of brandy. She pours a lot of brandy into the mug.
Sarah walks to the bathroom in a zombi like state, and runs a bath, steam fills the room. She opens the locked bathroom cabinet and takes out a pill bottle, looks at it assessing the qualtity of pills, and places it carefully on the sink.
Sarah stands there as if frozen to the spot for a moment,and then from a drawer under the sink she takes out a razor and tries it out on her wrist. It does not seem to work. She walks to the kitchen, her eyes staring, empty.
Sarah unclips the child safety lock on a drawer and takes out a handleful of knives. She inspects them one by one slowly. She selects the long thin razor sharp deboning knife, turns and walks even more slowly, a vacant expression on her face, to the bathroom.
Knife in hand Sarah places one foot into the hot steaming water. A scream from her son's bedroom shocks her out of her disconnected zombie like state.
NEW VERSION 2 WRITTEN WITH ENHANCED EMOTION TRAUMA , ANGER FIGHT
RESPONSE
Sarah gets up from the bed, and throws her cell phone across the room. She marches down to the kitchen, takes a bottle of brandy down from a high shelf, removes the cap and drinks a swallow straight from the bottle.
SARAH
Bastards! Selfish, judgemental bastards. Well i've got this, just watch me! I gotta wake up and get on top of this situation. A cold shower and hit the internet.
Sarah starts the coffee machine and heads to the shower. She looks in on her sleeping son.
SARAH
The don't deserve us my beautiful son.
V.O. I think I am going to divorce my parents, go no contact. Less stressful. That'll give them something to complain about at the club!
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Day 9: – Writing with Attitude – Anita’s Writing is Bold!
What I learned: I originally wrote this with “distress” in mind, but the challenge helped me amp that up. Then I included anger. Again, the scene came alive that much more. I think my final scene will incorporate both emotions. And overall, I am aware that my Protagonist Dani can read “flat” because I envision her as very self-contained. So this exercise helps me think of her more 3-dimensionally, and therefore give her a more defined ‘voice’. Thanks! I think both new versions work much better than the original.
1. The original half-page:
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up?
Danica starts juggling the baby on her hip who has started to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
Rebecca looks over and sees the distress on Danica’s face.
DANICA
No… I can’t…. Here.
Danica shoves the baby back to Rebecca who now gives her sister her full attention, realizing something is really wrong. With eyes still on her sister she turns off the stove, adjusts her fussy child and calls into the other room for her husband.
REBECCA
Ted!
Her husband wanders in head down, reading something on his phone, oblivious to the tension playing out.
2. A rewrite using DISTRESS.
DANICA
Rebecca! I really need to talk!
REBECCA
Hey Dani, What’s going on?
The baby perched on Dani’s hip whimpers. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
Rebecca sees the distress on Danica’s face and turns off the stove.
DANICA
No… I can’t…. Here!
Danica shoves the baby back into Rebecca’s arms, who calls out for her husband –
REBECCA
Ted!
Ted runs into the room.
TED
Is everything okay in here?
3. A rewrite using ANGER.
DANICA
Rebecca, I need to talk to you NOW! Can you stop with the kids and the cooking already!?
REBECCA
Ooo-kay –
Rebecca turns off the stove and takes the baby perched on Dani’s hip who has started to whimper. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging becomes obnoxious.
DANICA
For god’s sake, can’t they be quiet for ONE FUCKING MINUTE!?
REBECCA
Ted!
Rebecca’s husband is barely in the room when she hands him the now crying baby, steps over the toddler and leads a seething Dani by the elbow out onto the back patio.
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What I learned that a strong attitude change can be quite the disrupter! Certainly changed the perspective of one of my characters – which only caused to infuriate my main character to the n’th degree!
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
NUMBNESS
Clay yanks Hannah into the bedroom, slams the door so hard, the wardrobe mirror hung on the back of it shatters.
Hannah stands over the shattered pieces. Her heart shattered like the mirror, she goes numb.
CLAY
How could you be so stupid! You want another cross burnt on our lawn?!
HANNAH
The car broke down.
She stiffly moves to closet, hangs up her coat.
HANNAH
The car broke down. I was stuck.
He jerks her back to him.
CLAY
Then why didn’t you call me? I would’ve have come for you.
Still paralyzed…
HANNAH
I… I did. Over and over. But you didn’t answer.
On ‘automatic,’ she moves to push past him.
CLAY
Where you going?
HANNAH
To get a broom and dustbin to clean up this mess.
CLAY
This mess? Your mess! Why don’t you think? Our neighbors could’ve seen you!
Clay whacks her hard across the face.
Hannah almost crumbles – but stands back up to face him.
HANNAH
(Quietly)
So, you’re back to me hitting me now?
Clay paces, trying to release what’s building up before he does real damage.
CLAY
I wouldn’t have to if you acted like an adult! Marrying you when you were so young was a mistake. I’ve sheltered you far too much! You don’t know how to take care of yourself!
Hannah, as if in a dream, picks up the hemline of her nurse’s uniform up past her groin, sticks her hand down the front of her panties and rubs.
HANNAH
Yes, I can. A girl who marries an older man learns to take care of herself.
Clay throws her to the ground, straddles her.
HANNAH
Are you going to make love to me now?
Clay’s face explodes in rage. He grabs her by the hair and flattens her face with punch after punch after punch…
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
FEAR
Clay yanks Hannah into the bedroom, slams the door so hard, the wardrobe mirror hung on the back of it shatters.
Hannah stands over the shattered pieces. Her heart shattered like the mirror, fear grips her.
CLAY
How could you be so stupid! You want another cross burnt on our lawn?!
HANNAH
The car broke down.
She moves to closet, hangs up her coat, pretending all will be well.
HANNAH
The car broke down. I was stuck.
He crosses his arms like a disapproving father.
CLAY
Then why didn’t you call me? I would’ve have come for you.
Hannah’s reverts to the child about to be spanked.
HANNAH
I… I did. Over and over. But you didn’t answer.
She hurriedly pushes past him.
CLAY
Where you going?
HANNAH
To get a broom and dustbin to clean up this mess.
CLAY
This mess?
He grabs her, swing her around.
CLAY
Your mess! Why don’t you think? Our neighbors could’ve seen you!
Clay whacks her hard across the face.
Hannah crumbles into a ball on the floor.
HANNAH
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I won’t do it again!
Clay paces, trying to release what’s building up before he does real damage.
CLAY
I wouldn’t have to hit you if you acted like an adult! Marrying you when you were so young was a mistake. I’ve sheltered you far too long! You don’t know how to take care of yourself!
Hannah, as if in a dream, picks up the hemline of her nurse’s uniform up past her groin, sticks her hand down the front of her panties and rubs.
HANNAH
But I can. A girl who marries an older man learns to take care of herself.
Clay throws her to the ground, straddles her.
HANNAH
Are you going to make love to me now? Please?
Clay’s face explodes in rage. He grabs her by the hair and flattens her face with punch after punch after punch…
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Kate’s Writing Is Bold!
What I learned doing this assignment is that the different details with an attitude or emotion for a particular character can present interesting new obstacles and even change the direction of the scene.
(1) ORIGINAL 1/2 PAGE
INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY
Luciana sitting at a table, in a bench seat, at the back of the room in a corner, restless, a little anxious, on her second cup of coffee.
Nia rushes in, hurrying, excited, happy, looking around.
Luciana sees her, adjusts herself, adapts a calm pose. Waves to her. Nia smiles and comes over.
LUCIANA
Nia! Welcome. Sit, sit. Coffee?
She gestures to the bench next to her. Nia sits.
NIA
Luciana! Yes, thank you. I can get it.
LUCIANA
No, my treat. Anything special?
NIA
No – well, if they have oat milk? But dairy is fine too.
LUCIANA
They have oat milk if that’s what you want!
NIA
Then yes, yes thank you.
LUCIANA
Here, for you. I’ll go order it.
She gives Nia small package. Nia hesitates.
LUCIANA
Open it!
She leaves. Nia opens the package – it is a little Mexican rag doll. Nia is oddly moved.
Luciana returns and sits close next to her.
LUCIANA
She’s beautiful, no?
NIA
Yes. It’s.. I’ve never had one of these. Thank you.
LUCIANA
Did you have doll as a child?
NIA
Oh yes, well, 1 or 2. My grandparents didn’t really like dolls.
LUCIANA
But it wasn’t for them, the dolls, si? They are for the child.
NIA
I suppose. I don’t think they expected to be raising a small child again.
(2) 1/2 PAGE LONGING FOR LUCIANA
INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY
Luciana sitting at a table, in a bench seat, at the back of the room in a corner, restless, a little anxious, on her second cup of coffee.
Ambient Soft Jazz plays. The room is peaceful.
Nia rushes in, hurrying, excited, happy, looking around.
Luciana sees her, almost spills her coffee, adjusts herself, adapts a calm pose. Waves to her. Nia smiles and comes over.
LUCIANA
Nia! Welcome. Sit, sit. Coffee?
She pats the bench next to her, her face alight with welcome.
Nia sits.
NIA
Luciana! Yes, thank you. I can get it.
LUCIANA
No, my treat. Anything special?
NIA
No – well, if they have oat milk? But dairy is fine too.
LUCIANA
They have oat milk if that’s what you want!
NIA
Then yes, yes thank you.
Luciana opens her bag and carefully takes out a beautifully wrapped package.
LUCIANA
But first, I want to give you this.
She holds out the package. Nia hesitates.
LUCIANA
Please, take it. I’ll get the coffee.
She leaves. Nia opens the package – it is a little Mexican rag doll. Nia is oddly moved.
Luciana is coming back, and stops for a moment to watch her.
Then comes over and sits close to her.
LUCIANA
She’s beautiful, no?
NIA
Yes. It’s.. I’ve never had one of these. Thank you. Where did you get her?
LUCIANA
She was mine. From when I was little. Did you have doll as a child?
NIA
Oh yes, well, 1 or 2. My grandparents didn’t really like dolls.
LUCIANA
But it wasn’t for them, the dolls, si? They are for the child.
NIA
I suppose. I don’t think they expected to be raising a small child again.
(3) 1/2 PAGE SUSPICION FOR NIA
INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY
Luciana sitting at a table, in a bench seat, at the back of the room in a corner, restless, a little anxious, on her second cup of coffee.
Nia enters, hesitates at the door, looking around.
Luciana sees her, adjusts herself, adapts a calm pose, waves to her. Nia nods recognition and comes over.
LUCIANA
Nia! Welcome. Sit, sit. Coffee?
She gestures to the bench next to her. Nia sits at the other end of the bench.
NIA
Luciana! Yes, thank you. I can get it.
LUCIANA
No, my treat. Anything special?
NIA
No – well, if they have oat milk? But dairy is fine too.
LUCIANA
They have oat milk if that’s what you want!
NIA
Then yes, thank you.
LUCIANA
Here, for you. I’ll go order it.
She gives Nia small package. Nia hesitates.
NIA
Oh, I can’t accept that.
LUCIANA
Yes you can. It’s just a gift. Open it!
She leaves. Nia turns it over in her hands, sighs and finally opens the package – it is a little Mexican rag doll. Nia is uncomfortable. She puts it on the table. Luciana returns, puts down the coffees and sits close next to her.
LUCIANA
She’s beautiful, no?
NIA
Yes. It’s.. Thank you.
She picks up her coffee and busies herself in that.
LUCIANA
Did you have doll as a child?
Nia is trapped at the end of the bench.
NIA
My grandparents didn’t really like dolls.
LUCIANA
But it wasn’t for them, the dolls, si? They are for the child.
NIA
I don’t think they expected to be raising a small child again.
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June Fortunato Writing is Bold! day 9 of Boldness for Retirement
What I learned- this was fun and very easy and quick.
Original- second half of the scene
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Kim heads for the pool, and the front desk girl reluctantly follows an older, well-coifed woman who finds Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns.
KIM Oh, you have my new pass already!
Refers to the sheepish girl.
KIM She’s a gem.
SUPERVISOR GYM No. No. Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM That’s not possible.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM Oh that. I had a little mishap. As you can see, I’m excellent now.
SUPERVISOR GYM Perfect. I’m glad to hear it Ms. Carter. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM You bet. I’ll go right after my swim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
2 Defensive- second half of the scene
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Kim heads for the pool, and the front desk girl reluctantly follows an older, well-coifed woman who finds Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns.
KIM What is it? Is there a problem?
To the sheepish girl.
KIM What happened?
SUPERVISOR GYM Yes. Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM You’re quite mistaken.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM Oh that was a year ago. Don’t you keep up with your records?
SUPERVISOR GYM Perhaps it’s our error. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM I’ll go after my swim.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
3 Daffy/Looney- second half of the scene
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS Kim heads for the pool, and the front desk girl reluctantly follows an older, well-coifed woman who finds Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns.
KIM Girlfriend! Are we going to lunch after my swim?
Refers to the sheepish girl.
KIM She’s a gem.
SUPERVISOR GYM Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM Oh, no no no. I’m all paid up. My executor pays all of my bills.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM He’s such a silly. What a joker. He does this to me ALL THE TIME. As you can see, I’m excellent.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Perfect. I’m glad to hear it Ms. Carter. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM Oh but dear, I really must work out. My condition gets rather… distorted… without my swim you know.
SUPERVISOR GYM
Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
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Alice’s Writing is Bold!
What I learned doing this assignment is I cannot believe this small scene that was so awkward I questioned its placement, existence, though necessary for the plot, turned out so brilliant! This scene not only now has rights for existence, but it creates small oasis.
As I read original, it seems so pretentious. It’s so often with description, I all the time had a feeling, as if I’m selling product with no value. Now I will be saved out of it forever!
How strange is that it is inside out. The more I strive to abstain from anything but describing actions, than worse it is. And if I “beatify” it, it’s not at all I’m trying to make it for “customer”.
I now see where is the line separating amateur from professional!
1. The original half-page.
INT. JUDGE’S APPARTMENT – DAY
Judge drops it down, hearing her voice.
JUDGE
Why would I ever call you?
His son rushes inside out of the kitchen, as he was, holding tea cup.
HIS SON
Don’t answer!
Judge presses finger to his lips, indicating silence.
Son comes, and presses at the receiver to end the call.
2. A rewrite using an attitude or emotion.
Emotion for JUDGE to avoid antagonist, to run away
INT. JUDGE’S APPARTMENT – DAY
Judge’s hand he holds phone with vibrates, nervous current passes from his throat across chest down to the belt. He lowers phone away from his ear, pressing it to his jacket.
JUDGE
Why would I ever call you?
His son rushes inside, alarmed. Out of the kitchen, as he was, clutching tea cup.
HIS SON
Don’t answer!
Judge presses finger to his lips, indicating silence. Let her not track it down!
Son perceives his father dropping out of call, comes to the phone and presses at receiver, disconnecting.
3. A rewrite using a different attitude or emotion.
Contempt for antagonist
INT. JUDGE’S APPARTMENT – DAY
Her voice from that end of the line! What familiar notes!
Judge’s hand he holds phone with vibrates, nervous current passes from his throat across chest down to the belt. He lowers phone away from his ear, pressing it to his jacket.
JUDGE
Why would I ever call you?
His son rushes inside, alarmed. Out of the kitchen, as he was, clutching tea cup. Quick in judgement.
HIS SON
Don’t answer!
Judge glances on him with kind attachment, and presses finger to his lips, indicating silence. Let her not track it down!
Son calms, seeing his father just drops out of call, and turns back into his common self. Comes to the phone and presses at receiver, disconnecting.
-
PS81 – Dana’s Writing Is Bold
What I learned from this assignment:
I learned how to inject different emotions/attitudes into a specific scene to heighten the intensity and change the entire mood of my script. I replaced this scene in my script with another, but now, after this exercise, I intend to use this scene.
SCENE
A. THE PLAIN VERSION
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
HENRY BENNETT, a frail, middle-aged man with thinning hair, mundane, sits in the hot seat being interrogated. He’s been under the lights for hours, his collared shirt stained from sweat. Nervous, frightened. Empty coffee cups on the table.
VOICE (O.S.)
Henry… We’re tired. You’re tired. We’ve been talking all night. And we want to believe you. We do. But you have to help us out here. You have to tell us the truth. You’ll feel better. I promise.
HENRY
I have been…
VOICE (O.S.)
But it doesn’t make sense, Henry. Why would this person want you to kill a complete stranger?
HENRY
I don’t know. He just did… He made me do it.
VOICE (O.S.)
By holding your family hostage?
HENRY
Yes…
VOICE (O.S.)
Your wife? Your son? Your daughter?
HENRY
Yes…
VOICE (O.S.)
Only to kill them anyway?
HENRY
Oh, God… Oh, God…
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY
Detective JACK SORENSEN watches Henry’s interrogation through one way glass. His vengeance is locked on Henry, and we feel his frustration not being in the room. The interrogation is heard over SPEAKERS.
VOICE (O.S.)
Here’s the problem, Henry. We know you were embezzling from your company. Your name was on your girlfriend’s lease. There are phone records. Text messages. Joint bank account. And it was your gun. It doesn’t look good.
HENRY
(angry, frustrated)
She wasn’t my girlfriend! I never had a girlfriend!
(crying)
I never embezzled from anyone.
Lieutenant PHIL KING enters and steps up beside Sorensen. His deep-set eyes carry the wisdom and stress of his years on the force.
They watch the interrogation for a moment.
HENRY (CONT’D)
There was a man. I had no choice —
VOICE (O.S.)
We couldn’t find anyone, Henry. We looked. There was no man. Just you.
(beat)
Talk to me, Henry. Admit what you did. You’ll feel better.
HENRY (O.S.)
…I didn’t kill my family…
Henry starts breaking down. His head on the table.
King turns the speaker off.
B. WRITTEN WITH ANGER FOR HENRY
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
HENRY BENNETT, a frail, mundane middle-aged man with thinning hair sits in the hot seat.
He’s been interrogated for hours. Nervous, frightened. His collared shirt sweat stained. Empty coffee cups on the table.
GOOD COP (O.S.)
Henry… We’re tired. You’re tired. We’ve been talking all night. We want to believe you. We do. But you have to help us out here. You have to tell us the truth. You’ll feel better. I promise.
HENRY
I have…
BAD COP (O.S.)
C’mon, Henry. Why would someone want you to kill a complete stranger?
HENRY
I don’t know. He just did… He made me do it.
BAD COP (O.S.)
Bullshit!
HENRY
He had my family! He said he’d kill them if I didn’t.
GOOD COP (O.S.)
Your wife? Your son? Your daughter?
HENRY
Yes…
GOOD COP (O.S.)
But why kill them if you did what he wanted?
BAD COP (O.S.)
You did it, Henry. You’re the guy.
HENRY
Oh, God… Oh, God…
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY
Detective JACK SORENSEN watches Henry’s interrogation through one way glass. He’s locked on Henry, and we feel his hate. He wants to beat the shit out of the man.
We HEAR the interrogation over SPEAKERS.GOOD COP (O.S.)
Here’s the problem, Henry. We know you were embezzling from your boss. And your name’s on your girlfriend’s lease. We’ve got phone records. Text messages. Bank accounts. And it was your gun.
HENRY (hysterical)
She wasn’t my girlfriend! I never had a girlfriend! I never embezzled from anybody!
Lieutenant PHIL KING enters. His deep-set eyes carry the wisdom and stress of his years on the force. He steps up beside Sorensen, and they watch the interrogation.
HENRY (CONT’D)
There was a man. I had no choice —
BAD COP (O.S.)
They why did you run, Henry? Detective Sorensen tracked you to a motel near the Mexican border.
HENRY
I didn’t kill my family. There was a man. I had no choice —
(throwing a finger at Sorensen)
And that man put a gun in my mouth!Kings raises his eyebrow at Sorensen – really?
GOOD COP (O.S.)
Henry, we couldn’t find anyone. We looked. There was no man. Just you.
BAD COP (O.S.)
And your dead family.
GOOD COP (O.S.)
Talk to me, Henry. Admit what you did. You’ll feel better.
HENRY
…I didn’t kill my family… I didn’t kill my family…
Henry’s head hits the table, completely broken.
King turns the speaker off.
C. WRITTEN WITH EMPATHY FOR HENRY
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
ON HENRY BENNETT, a mundane, middle-aged man with thinning hair sits in the hot seat. He’s been interrogated for hours. Nervous, frightened. His collared shirt sweat stained. Coffee cups litter the the table.
COP (O.S.)
Henry… I’m tired. You’re tired. We’ve been talking all night. And I want to believe you. We do. But you have to help us out here. You have to tell us the truth. You’ll feel better. I promise.
HENRY
I have…
COP (O.S.)
But it doesn’t make sense, Henry. Why would a stranger make you to kill your boyfriend?
HENRY
I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m not gay. I loved my wife. I loved my sons.
COP (O.S.)
I know you did, Henry. I know you did. But here’s our problem. We know you were embezzling from your boss. We have the accounts. And your name was on your boyfriend’s lease. There are phone records. Text messages. A joint bank account. And it was your gun.
HENRY (hysterical)
He wasn’t my boyfriend! I never had a boyfriend! I never embezzled from anybody!
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY
Detective JACK SORENSEN watches Henry’s interrogation through one way glass. He’s locked on Henry, and we feel his hate, his frustration not being in the room. The interrogation is heard over SPEAKERS.
HENRY
And I didn’t kill my family. There was a man. He made me do it! He made me do it…
COP (O.S.)
Then why did you run, Henry? Detective Sorensen found you hiding in a motel heading for the Mexican border.
HENRY
Oh, God… Oh, God…
Lieutenant PHIL KING enters and steps up beside Sorensen. His deep-set eyes carry the wisdom and stress of his years on the force. They watch the interrogation for a moment.
COP (O.S.)
Henry, a neighbor saw you and your boyfriend together.
KING (to Sorensen)
We have a witness?
SORENSEN
No.
COP (O.S.)
Henry, we couldn’t find anyone. We looked. There was no man. Just you. And your dead family. (beat)
Talk to me, Henry. Admit what you did. You’ll feel better.
HENRY (O.S.)
…I didn’t kill my family…
Henry’s head hits the table, completely broken down.
King turns the speaker off.
-
Day 9 – Being Bold: Writing With Attitude – Assignment
Mike O – Writing is Bold
What I learned is that by assigning one particular emotion to a character in a given scene, it keeps me focused on that emotion and I don’t deviate and I am able to flesh out the emotion to give the scene a finality.
[I] Take a half-page from one of your previous scenes and present it like above.
1. The original half-page.
2. A rewrite using an attitude or emotion.
3. A rewrite using a different attitude or emotion.As I’ve done above, label the attitude/emotion you’re using in both examples.
=====================================
1. Original version:
INTERCUT: BROOKLYN SITTING – TAREK AT THE FIREPLACE.
TAREK (reads into the pause) “You were saying?
Lost in thought, Brooklyn stares her father’s signature.
BROOKLYN “That’s odd.”
Galvanized, Brooklyn rummages through the shoebox — picks out several greeting cards — compares their signatures with her father’s on the document Alan gave her.
TAREK “You saying Richard forged your father’s signature?”
BROOKLYN “I don’t know. But the signatures aren’t — they’re different.”
TAREK “I don’t think Richard would do that. He was your father’s right-hand man for years. They built the gallery from the ground up.”
BROOKLYN “I know my father’s signature and I’m telling you, this one’s off.”
TAREK “Stop for a moment and think about what you’re saying?”
BROOKLYN “You’re worried about Richard’s reputation when he’s trying to steal my father’s gallery out from under me?!”
TAREK “Talk it over with Alan. You don’t want to face a defamation of character suit.”
BROOKLYN “You know, it’s late, I’m going to bed… We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Brooklyn ends the call. She holds the document up to the light and stares at the signature.
HOLD ON SIGNATURE.
=====================================
2. Second Version – I rewrote the scene using the attitude “indecisiveness” in the description.
INTERCUT: BROOKLYN SITTING – TAREK AT THE FIREPLACE.
TAREK (reads into the pause) “You were saying?
Lost in thought, Brooklyn stares her father’s signature.
BROOKLYN “I think Richard had my father’s signature forged.”
Brooklyn rummages through the shoebox — picks out several greeting cards — compares their signatures with her father’s on the document Alan gave her.
TAREK “You believe Richard forged your father’s signature?”
BROOKLYN “I don’t know. I’m not a handwriting expert, but the signatures don’t really look alike.”
TAREK “I don’t think Richard would do that. He was your father’s right-hand man for years. They built the gallery from the ground up.”
BROOKLYN “You’re probably right. Still, I am going to show Alan and get his opinion.”
TAREK “That’s a good idea. You don’t want to face a defamation of character suit.”
BROOKLYN “No, you’re absolutely right. I can’t be accusing someone of forgery without proof.”
TAREK “I hope you are wrong about him. Richard’s been a help when I first got to town.”
BROOKLYN “You know, it’s late, I’m going to hit the sack. We’ll talk tomorrow. And thanks for the advise.”
Brooklyn ends the call. She holds the document up to the light and stares at the signature. She can’t be sure. With a tired sigh, she sets the paper aside and reaches for the reading lamp on the nightstand.
HOLD ON SIGNATURE.
=====================================
3. Third Version: I rewrote the scene using the attitude “anger” in the description.
INTERCUT: BROOKLYN SITTING – TAREK AT THE FIREPLACE.
TAREK “You were you saying?”
Brooklyn stares her father’s signature, sure of herself.
BROOKLYN “The snake forged my father’s signature!”
Galvanized, Brooklyn rummages through the shoebox — picks out several greeting cards — compares their signatures with her father’s on the document Alan gave her.
TAREK “Are you sure? Saying Richard forged your father’s signature is a serious accusation.”
BROOKLYN “I have box filled with my father’s signatures. The one on this document isn’t his. The slant is off. They’re different.”
TAREK “I don’t think Richard would do that. He was your father’s right-hand man for years. They built the gallery from the ground up.”
BROOKLYN “Well, he did. I know my father’s signature and I’m telling you, this one’s off.”
TAREK “Think about what you’re saying?”
BROOKLYN “Seriously, you are worried about Richard? He is trying to steal my father’s gallery out from under me?!”
TAREK “Talk it over with Alan. You don’t want to face a defamation of character suit.”
BROOKLYN (unbelievable) “You know, it’s late, I’m going to bed. Good night.”
Brooklyn ends the call. She holds the document up to the light and stares at the signature.
HOLD ON SIGNATURE.
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